Feminine Belles - Info/discussion/support Thread

Crystalicequeen123 said:
What if you (the corporation) is always only getting crappy applicants?? :look: What is going on in that situation? Am I advertising my "company" the wrong way? Does my company not look attractive for a suitable, highly-talented applicant? Am I not offering a 401k and benefits?? :lachen: What is it???
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:lachen::lachen:

I have no solutions. Lemme ask you this though: What kind of man are you looking for? List his top 5 attributes.

Now lemme ask you this: How many of those qualities do you yourself embody? For example: If you want an adventurous man, how often do you go on adventures (alone if needed).

Another thing is examine your life right now: What do you like to do in your free time and do you do it often? Are you living life to the fullest even on a budget? Do you truly love and accept yourself? You can't love anyone else until you love yourself. If the perfect man showed up and wanted a relationship with you, would you have time for him based on your current schedule? Are you proud to bring him to your house?
 
Crystalicequeen123 said:
True lol! :lol: I'm so "analytical"....something I am trying to tone down (especially since being on this Feminine Challenge :look:), but that's how I've always been. I always look into the how's, why's, and what's of things. I guess it's due to my background in Psychology :lol:

But you're right...it should be a non-entity. Sometimes I think OVER-thinking things can actually be a hindrance at finding love. Thanks to CITO I know what I need to work on, and I'm getting better. It's just challenging sometimes to turn around old patterns.

But I may look into that "thoughts become things" quote some more because that is definitely one thing I remembered from "The Secret". :yep:

Such a great analogy! :up: I especially love the parts in bold. :up: Thanks for the tips! I've been working on focusing more on myself this year, and I definitely feel a LOT happier, and more self-aware.

I guess I was wondering more about inner qualities when it comes to presentation/advertising. I already know what to do with the outer me lol. Like I said, I usually don't have trouble attracting a guy or having him thinking I'm "pretty" or "cute" or whatever. It's finding QUALITY men.

But you're right...I'll just continue focusing on ME and won't even worry about who's applying (or not applying). I'll be fine either way. :yep:
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I love how willing you are to engage in these discussions. I definitely think your inquiries are helping many ladies beyond yourself.

Regarding the first bolded, may I suggest that you only analyze things that have a benefit to you. If you stick to that rule, it will be less things you "overthink" and "overanalyze" that could cause you stress in this area. And yes, for purposes of this thread I do think that can come across as very "masculine" because your analysis is "probing". Imagine a cave man probing a dear with his spear to ensure that it's dead. Your questions are going outwards and you are filling your head back up with thoughts to feed the loop. To continue the analogy, the cave man is probing and thinking "i hope it's dead" "if it's not dead then x" "if it's dead than y" that is the opposite of being open and purely observing.

It seems the analysis is not serving you because you are drawing conclusions that may not be accurate and seem to cause a bit of anxiety about men's preferences, your single status, etc. Now please feel free to disregard this suggestion, as I mentioned I don't know you in real life so an actual face to face conversation may give me more insight but I would say this to a close friend who trusted me to speak on this subject. Your brilliant brain can analyze many other subjects that may be of a bigger benefit to you. This is a skill you have and a gift, so learn to use it wisely and in a way that truly benefits you and others.

I'm quasi into LOA. Some parts are harder to actually learn how to do than others. Asking and setting intention is pretty easy, but learning how to release and not doubt took some practice. Try meditation. Meditation and stepping up my prayer life have allowed me to exercise more faith which really helps with releasing. And it's a practice. It's kind of a game I play by myself to see how fast I can judo chop a negative thought away.

Second bolded, all those qualities I listed are inner and outer. The best energy and mood I can present is after I've done something I'm passionate about. The best appearance I can present is usually a skirt and heels. Think of yourself holistically. If Apple products just looked good but didn't hold up on the inside they would have a bad reputation as a company and no one would apply. Also don't underestimate the effects your diet has on your mental and emotional well-being.
 
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almond eyes said:
Kimbosheart, Caribeandiva and Crystalicequeen 123: okay you guys should do a dear........section and answer questions. I love your insights. Also, generous of your time. You need to turn that into a following. I think so many black women we tend to get some very bad dating advise and it is helpful to get different perspectives.

Best,
Almond Eyes
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Oohh.. What a great idea! I just added a thread like that on the goodreads site. Thank you!
 
Musician-Halloween-Costumes-Talk-2015.jpg
 
Kimbosheart yes, thank you for your generous sharing. I also must say that I also meditate and pray and it has been truly wonderful for me.

And yes, I am also learning to stop over analyzing things. I went into the law and the habit hasn't stopped. But I realize that you can just make yourself heartsick over nothing many times.

Best,
Almond Eyes





Kimbosheart said:
I love how willing you are to engage in these discussions. I definitely think your inquiries are helping many ladies beyond yourself.

Regarding the first bolded, may I suggest that you only analyze things that have a benefit to you. If you stick to that rule, it will be less things you "overthink" and "overanalyze" that could cause you stress in this area. And yes, for purposes of this thread I do think that can come across as very "masculine" because your analysis is "probing". Imagine a cave man probing a dear with his spear to ensure that it's dead. Your questions are going outwards and you are filling your head back up with thoughts to feed the loop. To continue the analogy, the cave man is probing and thinking "i hope it's dead" "if it's not dead then x" "if it's dead than y" that is the opposite of being open and purely observing.

It seems the analysis is not serving you because you are drawing conclusions that may not be accurate and seem to cause a bit of anxiety about men's preferences, your single status, etc. Now please feel free to disregard this suggestion, as I mentioned I don't know you in real life so an actual face to face conversation may give me more insight but I would say this to a close friend who trusted me to speak on this subject. Your brilliant brain can analyze many other subjects that may be of a bigger benefit to you. This is a skill you have and a gift, so learn to use it wisely and in a way that truly benefits you and others.

I'm quasi into LOA. Some parts are harder to actually learn how to do than others. Asking and setting intention is pretty easy, but learning how to release and not doubt took some practice. Try meditation. Meditation and stepping up my prayer life have allowed me to exercise more faith which really helps with releasing. And it's a practice. It's kind of a game I play by myself to see how fast I can judo chop a negative thought away.

Second bolded, all those qualities I listed are inner and outer. The best energy and mood I can present is after I've done something I'm passionate about. The best appearance I can present is usually a skirt and heels. Think of yourself holistically. If Apple products just looked good but didn't hold up on the inside they would have a bad reputation as a company and no one would apply. Also don't underestimate the effects your diet has on your mental and emotional well-being.
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almond eyes said:
Kimbosheart yes, thank you for your generous sharing. I also must say that I also meditate and pray and it has been truly wonderful for me.

And yes, I am also learning to stop over analyzing things. I went into the law and the habit hasn't stopped. But I realize that you can just make yourself heartsick over nothing many times.

Best,
Almond Eyes
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Thanks. I'm a lawyer too so I'm speaking purely from experience. I have had to learn how to analyze and question in a more productive manner, otherwise I'd give myself anxiety over little things. All those loose thoughts running around becoming real things.
 
Crystalicequeen123 said:
My only question however to you ladies and to @Kimbosheart especially is..... What if you (the corporation) is always only getting crappy applicants?? :look: What is going on in that situation? Am I advertising my "company" the wrong way? Does my company not look attractive for a suitable, highly-talented applicant? Am I not offering a 401k and benefits?? :lachen: What is it???
I find that I have no problem attracting guys (well, at least I certainly didn't in my homestate.....:look:), but it's the QUALITY of guys that seem to be lacking. I don't care about quantity. It's QUALITY that I'm looking for. Many just don't seem to be what I'm looking to hire.... :look: I'm not looking for perfection either. But some don't even come close. :ohwell: It's discouraging at times.
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You've gotten some great advice. Here's another way to think of this.

What do the candidates that aren't coming to you flocking to?

I have a male friend that is always talking about how hard it is to find a good woman meanwhile he's steady trying to go after a specific type (mid 20's with booming body but no ambition for anything beyond being a gf /baby mama or wife of a wealthy athlete). Lord knows how he's always meeting these girls. After some serious therapy he'd be a catch for any other woman but for those with professional athlete dreams he's a side dude they run to for attention until the "famous" dude they trying to bag puts them back into rotation. Yet in his mind its all on the women not on him for trying to recruit outside of his pay grade.

If the men you are trying to attract are not checking for you (for whatever reason) is there something you need to adjust in your mindset so you are receptive and open to those that are? Since you're not getting candidates that you want first reword your job description to firmly dissuade those you don't want to apply at all. Then figure out how to attract what you need. It may look different from what you think you want.

I'm not saying start doing things just to hook someone. It won't last nor will it be authentic. As another poster mentioned if you want adventurous mate then be adventurous don't wait until you go on date to "put on" being adventurous like a blouse or new skirt. If you want someone into sports go ahead and attend events around your sports team (not just sitting at local bar). Instead of the multiple after work networking events go to the ticketed fundraiser for cause you care about (or graduate chapter event if you have friends in NPHC group). Or if you're into travel then join a travel group. Changing locations doesn't mean changing states it can mean finding a new comfort zone and seeing who's there. If advertising on Craigslist for free isn't working then pay for access to professional journals.
 
I'm reading about receiving and femininity now and I just wanted to share something I came across. Wanting and stating what we want is critical to receiving. And stating our wants is a skill in itself.

An excerpt from Born to Receive by Amanda Owen

"What I love about this story of wanting, asking and receiving is that she didn't ask to be rescued from her situation, and she didn't ask her stepmother and stepsisters to agree with her. She didn't try to raise her self-esteem. She just asked for what she wanted. "

The author was speaking on Cinderella.
 
Kimbosheart said:
I'm reading about receiving and femininity now and I just wanted to share something I came across. Wanting and stating what we want is critical to receiving. And stating our wants is a skill in itself.

An excerpt from Born to Receive by Amanda Owen

"What I love about this story of wanting, asking and receiving is that she didn't ask to be rescued from her situation, and she didn't ask her stepmother and stepsisters to agree with her. She didn't try to raise her self-esteem. She just asked for what she wanted. "

The author was speaking on Cinderella.
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yay My public library has it! Downloading it now!
 
Same book.

When the goal-object of my affection didn’t manifest—whether it was a desired writing project, a person, or some other goal, I would try to figure out what had gone wrong and what I could improve. Then, like Sisyphus rolling that boulder up the mountain, I would gather my energy for another try. It never occurred to me that this enormous expenditure of energy and effort was unnecessary. Only a 50 percent energy contribution was required from me to manifest my goal.
 
bklynbornNbred said:
You've gotten some great advice. Here's another way to think of this.

What do the candidates that aren't coming to you flocking to?

I have a male friend that is always talking about how hard it is to find a good woman meanwhile he's steady trying to go after a specific type (mid 20's with booming body but no ambition for anything beyond being a gf /baby mama or wife of a wealthy athlete). Lord knows how he's always meeting these girls. After some serious therapy he'd be a catch for any other woman but for those with professional athlete dreams he's a side dude they run to for attention until the "famous" dude they trying to bag puts them back into rotation. Yet in his mind its all on the women not on him for trying to recruit outside of his pay grade.

If the men you are trying to attract are not checking for you (for whatever reason) is there something you need to adjust in your mindset so you are receptive and open to those that are? Since you're not getting candidates that you want first reword your job description to firmly dissuade those you don't want to apply at all. Then figure out how to attract what you need. It may look different from what you think you want.

I'm not saying start doing things just to hook someone. It won't last nor will it be authentic. As another poster mentioned if you want adventurous mate then be adventurous don't wait until you go on date to "put on" being adventurous like a blouse or new skirt. If you want someone into sports go ahead and attend events around your sports team (not just sitting at local bar). Instead of the multiple after work networking events go to the ticketed fundraiser for cause you care about (or graduate chapter event if you have friends in NPHC group). Or if you're into travel then join a travel group. Changing locations doesn't mean changing states it can mean finding a new comfort zone and seeing who's there. If advertising on Craigslist for free isn't working then pay for access to professional journals.
Click to expand...

@bklynbornNbred

Thanks so much for your insight!

I'm definitely working on myself, my feminine energy/spirit, healing past baggage, and learning to be more OPEN in general. :yep:

TQC and the CITO books have DEFINITELY been helping me tremendously. So do the insights and input from other ladies on the board.

I know eventually the right person will come (I believe there's someone for everyone), but it just may take some time. And honestly, I'm finally at peace with the fact that it may not come overnight.

Since last year however when I started CITO, I've been feeling SO much more self-aware, and like I truly am starting to know myself so much better now. I'm coming to really love myself and focus more on ME. Not that I hated myself before or anything, but I just feel like I'm learning not to be so hard on myself, and learning to just loosen up some. Go with the flow. Keeping in mind that the feminine spirit is OPEN, passive and receptive has helped tremendously.

Also, in addition I have some upcoming fun events that will open me up to meeting new people and doing new things, so I'm definitely excited about that! :grin:
 
Just purchased TQC. I cannot WAIT to dive into this one.

I'm also having a feminine belle day: just worked out, gonna do my nails, get dolled up for my number one "bae" the Lord :giggle:, go to church, go dress shopping at Macy's (mayjah sale today), then treat myself to lunch at a 5 star hotel. Yes I'm dating, wining and dining myself until the one comes along. And how he met me is how he's gonna have to keep me LOL.
 
A male friend who's a photographer took some photos of me and I love them. When he showed me the final results w/out thinking about it I let him know I really appreciated the quality of the pictures. I followed up with an FB shout-out gushing about his work. He let me know today that the FB post and saying I "absolutely love" the photos made his day.

We all do need appreciation :)
 
How are you supposed to respond when men don't rise up to your femininity and meet your expectations? I'm reading TQC so I'm hearing the character say "what if there's a good reason for that?" Instead of judging him LOL.

For example, I'm trying to understand a man who in a group setting suggested that a woman leave the group BY HERSELF and go out into the dark wintery night to head home because the rest of the group was trying to figure out the check and she paid in cash. On one hand, I thought how rude and inconsiderate! On the other hand, maybe he is thinking of her getting home on time or her having to get up in the morning. Was his question weird or rude? Was he trying to get her to leave?

In general, how do you respond when men don't react in the right way to your femininity? I know the short answer is keep being the best version of yourself anyway, but it gets frustrating when men don't act right.
 
^^^Most men are good and chivalrous. You move on when it is clear that a guy is not masculine or noble. You focus your attention and energy on those who are. Don't take it personally when a guy doesn't respond to your femininity. I can't think of a good reason for that guys suggestion. Is it possible that she had frog farmed him at some point?
 
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hopeful said:
^^^Most men are good and chivalrous. You move on when it is clear that a guy is not masculine or noble. You focus your attention and energy on those who are. Don't take it personally when a guy doesn't respond to your femininity. I can't think of a good reason for that guys suggestion. Is it possible that she had frog farmed him at some point?
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I think you're right--don't take things personally. It usually isn't about you. I don't know if there is a history of frog farming with them...I didn't see it that night at the dinner table.
 
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