Feminine Belles - Info/discussion/support Thread

[Ivonnovi]

The sharing experiences of @caribeandiva and @TracyNicole unfortunately seem all too common. A few weeks ago I shared with two of my closest friends that I was going to work on becoming "more feminine"; to say they were more than a little perplexed is quite an understatement of their individual responses.

I pressed on though and did research [here at LHCF and other sites]; during a recent weekend I "went silent" as I began reading TQC. When I resumed contact with them, they were surprised that instead of a busy weekend of working and/or dating I had stayed home and was immersed into this [snake oil treatment] i.e. reading a book and assessing my wardrobe.

To say the least I was taken aback by their responses! Their responses to me (a woman) was as though I was a traitor; how dare I contemplate "laying down my sword" rather than see that these imbeciles (men) need Frog Farmers like us to stay true to the game!

One is married to someone she routinely refers to as an idiot [Melissa on steroids].

The other has never been married and everyman she has dated is clearly not good enough [Perfect Person] except one and he's not ever going to [emotionally or legally] commit to her (+12 years of servicing him).​

As of this point I dare not share any of the pearls of wisdom I've gleaned thus far from the QTC. I'm currently about 45% through the book and though I don't agree with every syllable of the book, it is refreshing to hear, reflect on, and contemplate different perspectives on How and Why we relate as we do.

Nothing big, but for me the femininity tips have payed off, I 'll post about that in the TQC thread.​

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I appreciate your honest assessment of your friends @Ivonnovi ....

I haven't had this experience yet, but maybe that's because I haven't told my friends that I'm reading a book lol I just tell them little bits and pieces from the book without actually telling them what I'm doing.

I find (sad to say) that whenever anyone tries to "better themselves" either by getting more education, taking up religion, starting a new business, losing weight/getting in shape, or reading a self-help book that challenges their entire mindset, people (especially those close to you) don't know how to act!! They straight up try to discourage you! That's why I never tell anyone what I'm working on, unless they are a CLOSE friend of mine and they have the same similar goals.

Isn't it interesting how after reading this book you can now see your friends as "frog farmers"? LOL! Idk about you, but before this book I never used to notice them much. Now, Frog Farming women are EVERYWHERE! I know because I myself used to be one. Maybe not to the highest degree, but my "Frog Farming" ways were definitely more subtle...yet still there.

It's amazing how much this book has opened my eyes. Do you find too that now while reading this book, you don't feel any joy in tearing down men, calling them "idiots", "punks", "players", or "jerks"? For me, I don't feel comfortable using those terms anymore. I'll express how their behavior made me feel to my girl friends, but now days I don't go around the table, clinking glasses, and high-fiving each other about how a man is "no good" and how these "deadbeats need to be taught a lesson".

It just seems so foreign to me now... Almost adverse to me now....

 

[hopeful]

@Ivonnovi I had an odd experience this weekend with a frog farmer. My dh was helping me and my daughters with our luggage. We all had reached for our bags and he said no, I got it. So we all said okay, thanks : ). We got off the car rental company shuttle and he then proceeded to hand our bags to us. The shuttle driver, a black woman, starts talking to my husband and I hear him saying that he is old school. So then this heifer gets off the bus, I guess she was on break, and tries to shame my daughters, talkin' you are two able-bodied girls, you should help him. I intervene. I'm like that is my husband and their father. She's like I know but . She was seriously hot and bothered about a man being gentlemanly toward his daughters. I discussed this further with my daughters so that none of her nonsense sunk in.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

We got off the car rental company shuttle and he then proceeded to hand our bags to us. The shuttle driver, a black woman, starts talking to my husband and I hear him saying that he is old school. So then this heifer gets off the bus, I guess she was on break, and tries to shame my daughters, talkin' you are two able-bodied girls, you should help him. I intervene. I'm like that is my husband and their father. She's like I know but . She was seriously hot and bothered about a man being gentlemanly toward his daughters. I discussed this further with my daughters so that none of her nonsense sunk in.

WHAAAAAAA??? NO she didn't!

I can't believe that.

Smh....see, that's why men have become so disillusioned these days. Many of them probably feel UNneeded. I can't even imagine.... I have always drilled it into my head that when/if a man is OFFERING his help, you best better believe it's definitely because he WANTS to. Men don't OFFER help when they don't want to, I can definitely attest to that lol.

Again, they aren't women! Men say what they mean and mean what they say. They do what they WANT to do.

Poor lady....all you can really do is shake your head and have pity for her. I don't know what she's experienced in life, but obviously it has definitely taken a toll on her and her view of men. Maybe she hasn't been used to a man helping her and so she thinks that women should be like men and do brunt work.

I'm glad you erased whatever negativity that lady spewed and spoke to your daughters afterward. I'm a FIRM believer that how a father treats his daughters is how a woman will expect a man to treat HER when she grows up. If you have a loving father who is helpful, does things for you, will open doors for you, take your bags, etc...you probably won't be impressed w/a man who does the bare minimum or doesn't even attempt to do these things for you.


ETA: I know this sounds bad but, how did I know she was black? It's sad but a lot of "us" didn't have father figures growing up, and some of us grew up with mothers who were Frog Farmers themselves.... The Feminist Movement really messed up a lot of women, and I think because of our unique history, we as bw have adapted to being frog farmers simply because of historical implications and burdens.

 

[Ivonnovi]

@Crystalicequeen123 and @hopeful

"Once you know better, you DO BETTER".

It's not so much that I don't enjoy the "man bashing" ;I have a cynical sense of humor & it's only been a little over a week since starting TQC. It is more that I feel for those who lack my new found knowledge, especially if they are not receptive to receiving it.

For me, as I go forward, my "Do Better" will include me looking for opportunities to offer them some of the knowledge (read that as enlightening them by offering them a different perspective). I totally understand that their present perspective has been reinforced and validate through years of experience and training, Heck this was my perspective, after all I grew up in a family they took the need for "help" as a sign of weakness; @hopeful, no dobut the bus driver [as best she could] was probably trying to encourage the girls to be [the image of] "strong black women" (a coveted trait in her hood); no shade intended. Your girls would do well to also understand where the Bus Driver was comming from, they need to UNDERSTAND how fortunate they are to have type of father have. I say this because I had a StepDad that would have suggested I grab all the bags and load them as he heroically warmed the car up. No Lie. ....until recently I too felt threatened if a man offered to do for me what I can do for myself. JMHO

 

[hopeful]

I know. I kinda felt bad for calling her a heifer but it was the fact that she was sticking her nose where it didn't belong that ticked me off. She was a complete stranger. I told my girls that she just didn't know any better and that we are all blessed to have a loving father/husband like him. One of my daughters has a hard time letting people help her and here she is finally being more open to help and this random woman is reinforcing the very thing she is trying to get over. And wow at your step father , sorry to hear that.

Eta: I will also add that I have never been one to think a man should be overly praised for being a good man or gentleman. I notice people tend to go overboard in that way too. There are good, decent black men everywhere.

 

[ladysaraii]

I wonder if the bus driver was more reacting to the age thing than the gender one. A lot of people feel that younger people need to cater to their elders, so maybe that's where she was coming from and not trying to be emasculating.

However, I too would have been pissed that she felt the need to lecture my children about some ish that wasnt her business.

 

[hopeful]

I wonder if the bus driver was more reacting to the age thing than the gender one. A lot of people feel that younger people need to cater to their elders, so maybe that's where she was coming from and not trying to be emasculating.

However, I too would have been pissed that she felt the need to lecture my children about some ish that wasnt her business.

Right, not her business. She had no business saying anything to dh in the first place, and certainly no business lecturing my daughters either.

 

[caribeandiva]

I was listening to a bunch of Alison Armstrong's radio interviews for the past few days with my brother. He agrees with 99% of what she says. He said: "I wonder how much flack Alison get from hardcore feminists for sharing this info?". O never thought of that. She must be get aa whole lot of crap from them if we're getting the "traitor" lecture from our friends in real life. Oh well, the truth will set you free, feminist or not!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Guess what Ladies???

I got an email back from Alison!

I know it's just a canned response, but whatever lol.... I thought it was very encouraging.

I had sent her an email about laying down the sword a couple months ago when I first started reading the book because that was one of the things it mentions. It mentions to email her your vow. So, that's what I did! I made my vow and emailed it to her. I wasn't expecting anything back, but here's what she wrote....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi Crystal,
Thank you for your message to Alison – please see below for her response:


Dear Crystal,

Thank you for reading the Queen’s Code and allowing me to contribute to you.

Most importantly, congratulations! Thank you for laying down the sword. Making this vow requires something special and I am grateful to you for whatever it took to make your commitment. The world is a better place for it and you are an inspiration to me.

If you are the first woman you know who has taken the vow you may feel little bit uncertain or cautious about what happens next. Many women find that re-reading The Queen's Code will help. You’re likely to notice something newly each time you pick it up. I've always found my transformation to be the best supported in a community and I invite you to join ours. You're welcome to participate in our workshops our join us online. We convene regularly on our membership site atChoosingPartnership.com/pioneers~ this is where you can find more information, support from other like-minded and like-hearted men and women, and have personal contact with me.

I hope to see you there!

ChoosingPartnership.com/pioneers~ this is where you can find more information, support from other like-minded and like-hearted men and women, and have personal contact with me.

I hope to see you there!

Love,

Alison

VIA
Sarah Bumstead
Personal E-mail Manager to Alison Armstrong
PAX Programs Incorporated
800-418-9924
Source of the Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women® Workshop
www.understandmen.com
www.facebook.com/understandmen



My original Email:

I would like to take the Queen's Code vow.

I vow to lay down my sword when it comes to dealing with all men.
I give up the right to castrate men forever.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pretty neat huh?? I'll post this in the other board as well...

 

[LoveisYou]

I am so over making assumptions about why people do things.....It's so much better to ask AND LISTEN, which leads to more open and honest communication. Thanks so much Alison, asking why, instead of going with assumptions is teaching me a lot! A lot!

 

[LovingLady]

I am so over making assumptions about why people do things.....It's so much better to ask AND LISTEN, which leads to more open and honest communication.

I personally don't deal with anyone who assumes things about me, if you are not willing to understand me why am I around you.

 

[Ivonnovi]

I personally don't deal with anyone who assumes things about me, if you are not willing to understand me why am I around you.

Great point! THIS I need to do more often.

 

[kanozas]

@Ivonnovi I had an odd experience this weekend with a frog farmer. My dh was helping me and my daughters with our luggage. We all had reached for our bags and he said no, I got it. So we all said okay, thanks : ). We got off the car rental company shuttle and he then proceeded to hand our bags to us. The shuttle driver, a black woman, starts talking to my husband and I hear him saying that he is old school. So then this heifer gets off the bus, I guess she was on break, and tries to shame my daughters, talkin' you are two able-bodied girls, you should help him. I intervene. I'm like that is my husband and their father. She's like I know but . She was seriously hot and bothered about a man being gentlemanly toward his daughters. I discussed this further with my daughters so that none of her nonsense sunk in.

That's truly puts a wrinkle in my brow! Somebody ought to have told her that some women are cherished and reciprocate the sentiment by being loving and allowing themselves to be treated as ladies by a gentleman. SMH. She was shaming them to be a mammy mule.

 

[hopeful]

... Double post.

 

[hopeful]

That's truly puts a wrinkle in my brow! Somebody ought to have told her that some women are cherished and reciprocate the sentiment by being loving and allowing themselves to be treated as ladies by a gentleman. SMH. She was shaming them to be a mammy mule.

Thank you. This was how I felt. The whole "able-bodied" comment sounded like she saw them (herself and women in general) as animal-like, non-cherishable. Unacceptable. My girls and I are lovable and well taken care of as we should be. My husband and I are teaching them how to be queens.

 

[LovingLady]

@Ivonnovi thank you for quoting me.

I was re-reading my post and I noticed it came off harsh. I thought about the mind frame I was and I wasn't in a negative state, I even added the smiley to try and soften it up. I thought about the last two pages of this thread I was reading and there was certain things that you ladies said that had me taken aback. I was thinking how could you (general) not know these things. No disrespect and I am far from perfect. I then looked back over my life and it clicked to me . . . my thoughts are very masculine . . . and to be honest I have been trying to subconsciously hind it. I restrict my postings because I don't want to offend anyone. I even choose the avatar name as a way to soften myself up. If I am really dedicated towards being feminine I have to be authentic to who I am. It has always been that when I was true to myself things fell into place. I don't have a bubbly personality, I am not outgoing, I am very reserved, and I have a direct way of speaking which I absolutely .

I apologize in advance if I offend anyone for the things I will type in the future, it does not come from a spiteful place.

 

[caribeandiva]

@Ivonnovi thank you for quoting me.

I was re-reading my post and I noticed it came off harsh. I thought about the mind frame I was and I wasn't in a negative state, I even added the smiley to try and soften it up. I thought about the last two pages of this thread I was reading and there was certain things that you ladies said that had me taken aback. I was thinking how could you (general) not know these things. No disrespect and I am far from perfect. I then looked back over my life and it clicked to me . . . my thoughts are very masculine . . . and to be honest I have been trying to subconsciously hind it. I restrict my postings because I don't want to offend anyone. I even choose the avatar name as a way to soften myself up. If I am really dedicated towards being feminine I have to be authentic to who I am. It has always been that when I was true to myself things fell into place. I don't have a bubbly personality, I am not outgoing, I am very reserved, and I have a direct way of speaking which I absolutely .

I apologize in advance if I offend anyone for the things I will type in the future, it does not come from a spiteful place.

When you know better, you do better. I can't wait to read your thoughts as you go through this journey.

 

[caribeandiva]

@Ivonnovi I had an odd experience this weekend with a frog farmer. My dh was helping me and my daughters with our luggage. We all had reached for our bags and he said no, I got it. So we all said okay, thanks : ). We got off the car rental company shuttle and he then proceeded to hand our bags to us. The shuttle driver, a black woman, starts talking to my husband and I hear him saying that he is old school. So then this heifer gets off the bus, I guess she was on break, and tries to shame my daughters, talkin' you are two able-bodied girls, you should help him. I intervene. I'm like that is my husband and their father. She's like I know but . She was seriously hot and bothered about a man being gentlemanly toward his daughters. I discussed this further with my daughters so that none of her nonsense sunk in.

I totally missed your post. I'm sorry. I got mad reading it especially the part about her trying to shame your daughters. How dare she try to discipline YOUR kids? Talk about overstepping your boundaries. Yes I know she probably thought she was helping them by teaching them not to rely on men but that's not her place to do that. She was basically undermining you. That's not right.

 

[caribeandiva]

WHAAAAAAA??? NO she didn't!

I can't believe that.

Smh....see, that's why men have become so disillusioned these days. Many of them probably feel UNneeded. I can't even imagine.... I have always drilled it into my head that when/if a man is OFFERING his help, you best better believe it's definitely because he WANTS to. Men don't OFFER help when they don't want to, I can definitely attest to that lol.

Again, they aren't women! Men say what they mean and mean what they say. They do what they WANT to do.

Poor lady....all you can really do is shake your head and have pity for her. I don't know what she's experienced in life, but obviously it has definitely taken a toll on her and her view of men. Maybe she hasn't been used to a man helping her and so she thinks that women should be like men and do brunt work.

I'm glad you erased whatever negativity that lady spewed and spoke to your daughters afterward. I'm a FIRM believer that how a father treats his daughters is how a woman will expect a man to treat HER when she grows up. If you have a loving father who is helpful, does things for you, will open doors for you, take your bags, etc...you probably won't be impressed w/a man who does the bare minimum or doesn't even attempt to do these things for you.


ETA: I know this sounds bad but, how did I know she was black? It's sad but a lot of "us" didn't have father figures growing up, and some of us grew up with mothers who were Frog Farmers themselves.... The Feminist Movement really messed up a lot of women, and I think because of our unique history, we as bw have adapted to being frog farmers simply because of historical implications and burdens.

You always have the best gifs I swear!

 

[Kimbosheart]

Ahh I have so much to add to this thread. I just need a good minute of free time to write out all my thoughts.

 

[Kimbosheart]

So I finally sat down and watched the Cinderella remake and I absolutely adored it.

It's not Oscar worthy but I thought it was such a cute live action version. Ella/ Cinderella was very feminine. She stuck to her mothers words of kind and courageous in all her interactions and never waivers from that. The actress played it well. I can imagine that her delight was from the fact that she doesn't expect anything for her hard work or because of her birthright.

Also, I've detoured to learning about how to receive and I'm reading a book mentioned earlier in this thread as well as looking for examples so I can see how it looks. Ella in this movie was great at receiving gifts. You can almost sense that people would give her more because of how good she is at receiving.

 

[hopeful]

I loved the latest Cinderella movie as well. My daughter and I saw it when it first came out. I wasn't on this journey at the time. I may have to revisit it. Isn't it odd that receiving well is so hard? I never realized how much openness and vulnerability that requires.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

So I finally sat down and watched the Cinderella remake and I absolutely adored it.

It's not Oscar worthy but I thought it was such a cute live action version. Ella/ Cinderella was very feminine. She stuck to her mothers words of kind and courageous in all her interactions and never waivers from that. The actress played it well. I can imagine that her delight was from the fact that she doesn't expect anything for her hard work or because of her birthright.

Also, I've detoured to learning about how to receive and I'm reading a book mentioned earlier in this thread as well as looking for examples so I can see how it looks. Ella in this movie was great at receiving gifts. You can almost sense that people would give her more because of how good she is at receiving.

Oh YAY!!! You finally saw it!!

I LOVED that movie! One of the best Disney Live-Action adaptations I've seen thus far!

And yes, I felt when I saw it at the theater that I wanted to be more like Ella. Just OPEN and vulnerable, yet kind and loving in every way. I left that movie thinking I could be/do anything and show the world more love lol. I wasn't even on this Feminine Belles journey at the time. The actress did a REALLY good job at portraying Cinderella. I can see why they casted her.



I definitely need to get better at receiving. I'm so BAD at it! It's STILL awkward for me at times...even when I receive things from women. Idk if it's that I feel like I don't deserve it or if I feel awkward with people giving me things or what. It's like, I WANT to be excited and open about it, but I feel awkward lol.

Eiiiii....I have more work to do lol.

 

[Kimbosheart]

To keep with her characterization, I think she was such a great receiver because of the "courage and kindness" mantra. I've learned that receiving - the essence of feminity- requires vulnerability that you would need to have courage to endure. Also since she was so kind, she wouldn't be selfish and turn away a gift. That would make the gift more about her feelings rather than the feeling of generosity that was meant for the giver.

I mean she didn't argue at all with her fairy godmother about why she didn't deserve the magic to take her to the ball. Even with her request to keep the dress, she readily agreed to allow her fairy godmother to change the color. She allowed her fairy godmother to have the opportunity to work her magic by letting go of control enough to receive the gifts in the way the giver wanted to give them.

 

[Kimbosheart]

Being a princess isn’t just for White girls.

Bougie Black Girl June 20, 2013 Culture




I hate to see parents treat their Black daughters like the hired help. She is serving everyone while others sit on their ass.

Without realizing it, you’re training your daughter to be a mammy or a maid. She is cooking, cleaning, washing and serving everyone but herself. She is inheriting the typical toil and struggle mule mentality. Yes, she needs to know basic skills, but so do our sons. It’s unfair that the burdens of housework and childcare are placed upon our daughters because of traditional gender based and racial servitude beliefs.

Look, if you have sons and/or a partner use them. If you need a sitter, cook or cleaner hire one. If you can’t afford one, get a relative or a neighbor. I am not asking you to raise a brat. I am asking you to raise a child that feels entitled to a full and well rounded life. Give her a chance to learn grace, poise, elegance, her identity and her own brand of femininity. Pamper her. Get her hair and nails done. Take her shopping. Ask her about her hopes, dreams and goals. Listen to her. Tell her how beautiful she is. Organize a tea party. Just do something! My thing was riding a BMX dirt bike with a skirt on and beating boys in races, but I digress. Just let her be her. Let her be a child.

Black women already struggle with our own definition of femininity and society’s views, why contribute to it? If you really want the best for our daughters, let our little girls be princesses so they can blossom and reign as queens

http://bougieblackgirl.com/being-a-princess-isnt-just-for-white-girls/

 

[hopeful]

^^^ Awesome! I love it!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

To keep with her characterization, I think she was such a great receiver because of the "courage and kindness" mantra. I've learned that receiving - the essence of feminity- requires vulnerability that you would need to have courage to endure. Also since she was so kind, she wouldn't be selfish and turn away a gift. That would make the gift more about her feelings rather than the feeling of generosity that was meant for the giver.

I mean she didn't argue at all with her fairy godmother about why she didn't deserve the magic to take her to the ball. Even with her request to keep the dress, she readily agreed to allow her fairy godmother to change the color. She allowed her fairy godmother to have the opportunity to work her magic by letting go of control enough to receive the gifts in the way the giver wanted to give them.

Omg...SUCH a good post. Especially the part in bold.

Yes, you are so right. A lot of people erroneously equate being "vulnerable" with being "weak". But in actuality, it takes great courage for a woman to let go, relax, and BE VULNERABLE. You almost have to trust that you will get what you need when you need it.

I'll never forget in John Gray's book "Mars & Venus On a Date" when he mentioned that men are so attracted to women who (how did he put it?) are self-assured and know that they will get what it is that they need at the right time.

Here's an excerpt from the book:

When a woman expresses her feminine radiance she is generally embodying the three basic characteristics of femininity: she is selfassured, receptive, and responsive. It is these three qualities that make a man most attracted to her. What allows a man to bring out the best in a woman is his masculine presence. When a man expresses his masculine presence he is generally embodying the three basic characteristics of masculinity: he is confident, purposeful, and responsible. It is these three qualities that make a woman most attracted to him. With an awareness of these different characteristics, we can begin to understand why some dates work and others don’t. With this insight we can gain the power to attract the right person for us.

THE FIRST ATTRIBUTE: SELF-ASSURANCE

The first attribute that makes a woman most attractive is selfassurance. Most women have noticed some special women who have men wrapped around their fingers. They wonder how the special woman does it: That man will do anything she wants. These special women always exude an air of grace and trust. They are self-assured. They respect themselves and assume others will respect them. A self-assured woman trusts that others care and that they want to support her. She does not feel alone. She feels supported by friends and family and by men. In her mind, almost all men are likable until proven otherwise. When she is not respected, she doesn’t take it so personally, but moves on. She realizes that she still deserves what she needs and gracefully tries another approach to get it. If that fails, she quickly looks elsewhere for support. She doesn’t expect perfection and is open to finding new ways of getting more of what she wants. Some women are naturally self-assured. They are born with this attitude, just as some singers are born with an incredible voice. For most, this attitude needs to be developed and cultivated

Self-assurance is an attitude that assumes you will always get what you need and that at this moment you are in the process of getting it. It is different from confidence. Confidence assumes that you can do what you set out to do, even if you have to do it all by yourself without any help. Self-assurance assumes that others are available and want to help and you don’t have to do it all by yourself. When a woman is too confident and independent, it is sometimes a sign that she is not assured at all that others are there for her, and so she has to do it all herself. With this new awareness, she can begin to open up to others for their support and not isolate herself.

When women see another woman with a lot of self-assurance, they just assume that she feels this way because she is able to get the support of a man. While there is some truth to this, it is really the other way around. When a woman is selfassured, then the support comes her way.

I love this book and always refer back to it from time to time because he's usually SPOT ON about a LOT of things.

Being a princess isn’t just for White girls.

Bougie Black Girl June 20, 2013 Culture


I hate to see parents treat their Black daughters like the hired help. She is serving everyone while others sit on their ass.

Without realizing it, you’re training your daughter to be a mammy or a maid. She is cooking, cleaning, washing and serving everyone but herself. She is inheriting the typical toil and struggle mule mentality. Yes, she needs to know basic skills, but so do our sons. It’s unfair that the burdens of housework and childcare are placed upon our daughters because of traditional gender based and racial servitude beliefs.

Look, if you have sons and/or a partner use them. If you need a sitter, cook or cleaner hire one. If you can’t afford one, get a relative or a neighbor. I am not asking you to raise a brat. I am asking you to raise a child that feels entitled to a full and well rounded life. Give her a chance to learn grace, poise, elegance, her identity and her own brand of femininity. Pamper her. Get her hair and nails done. Take her shopping. Ask her about her hopes, dreams and goals. Listen to her. Tell her how beautiful she is. Organize a tea party. Just do something! My thing was riding a BMX dirt bike with a skirt on and beating boys in races, but I digress. Just let her be her. Let her be a child.

Black women already struggle with our own definition of femininity and society’s views, why contribute to it? If you really want the best for our daughters, let our little girls be princesses so they can blossom and reign as queens

http://bougieblackgirl.com/being-a-princess-isnt-just-for-white-girls/

Oh my goodness THANK YOU for posting this.

I have been thinking this very sentiment for YEARS now! I tend to notice this trend in black SINGLE mothers more so than anything. I find that a lot of black single mothers tend to make their children grow up too fast, and the girls become little "mommy's" and the sons sometimes become their "surrogate husband".

Case in point....I grew up with a childhood friend who's single mother raised her and her 3 brothers and sisters w/out the help of a man for most of their lives. My friend is the oldest, so guess where MOST of the responsibilities lied? On her... She was ALWAYS taking the brunt of the work, having to look after her brothers and sisters, etc. Even now to this day, her younger siblings are all off either married or doing their own thing, living their own lives, and my friend is STILL there...stuck with the mom.... She even suffers from depression from it because she never really got to live her life. Now she feels like she has to be the only one who stays w/the mom since all of her other siblings have basically moved out and are living their own lives. The mother pretty much sucked the life out of my friend. Hated when she had friends, would go with my friend EVERYWHERE because the mother was "lonely", and of course my friend feeling guilty would allow her to come. It's so weird how it became a co-dependent relationship over the years.

 

[caribeandiva]

@Crystalicequeen123 It's not that unusual that your friend ended up in such a codependent relationship with her mom. I can relate. One of the reasons why I'm so strong on boundaries is because of that. My dad was gone for months at a time when I was growing up. As a result my mom was basically a single mom and made me a surrogate parent. I wasn't able to be a normal kid, no playing with my friends for long, no being away from her and the house for more than a few minutes at a time. They made me feel guilty for wanting to have fun. My siblings could though!

Like your friend i ended up depressed and in therapy learned how unhealthy my childhood was. I also learned that my parents are narcissists. They both wanted me to take care of them! I broke free, moved out and started living my own life (like my siblings have been doing since the get go). They were not happy about that! It wasn't until I read calling in the one that I realized that I was keeping myself single as an unspoken promise to my family.

There is hope for your friend but she has to want it bad enough to change.

 

[Kimbosheart]

"Confidence assumes that you can do what you set out to do, even if you have to do it all by yourself without any help. Self-assurance assumes that others are available and want to help and you don’t have to do it all by yourself. When a woman is too confident and independent, it is sometimes a sign that she is not assured at all that others are there for her, and so she has to do it all herself. With this new awareness, she can begin to open up to others for their support and not isolate herself."

I like this excerpt. Thank you for posting.

"Self-Assured" as he calls it, evokes for me a passive quality which would accompany passive verbs such as listening, knowing, receiving. allowing. Confidence evokes action. "I can do it myself", as he mentions. So definitely much more active verbs such as talking, taking, doing, getting, having. I notice that people don't brag about the qualities that make them "self-assured" on social media and otherwise, but you almost always have to see and hear someone interpretation of their "confidence"

For me this distinction is helpful when used with mindfulness practices. What is happening in this moment, what verbs am I embodying? These things can be such a mental load, but only until they are so ingrained they become sub conscious.

When I start to worry, I try to tell myself as soon as possible that it will work out great. I realize even that is starting to happen faster and faster. This is one area where I think actively working on affirmations can be a huge benefit.

Regarding the princess. I'm very thankful that this is exactly what my parents did with me. I was not a servant to my family. I was allowed to indulge in my dreams and interests, make choices on my future and enjoy the things my parents worked hard for. I think having that lifestyle, really allowed me to appreciate that it does take responsibility and work to enjoy those things whether I'm the one doing the work or someone is doing it for my benefit.