# Christian Mothers, Let's Talk about Spanking



## Supergirl (May 26, 2009)

There are mixed views on the forum as a whole about spanking, so I wanted to bring my question to like-minded Christian mothers, even if we don't agree.

I'll start by saying I do believe in the whole "spare the rod, spoil the child" philosophy.

However, I have mixed feelings about the act of spanking my own (future) children. I want them to be well-trained. I have seen Christian mothers who seem to use spanking appropriately as a training tool.

I guess the reasons for my worries are because I feel like my mom sometimes went a little too far with the spanking. I love her with all of my heart, but I don't ever want to make my children feel the way she made me feel sometimes when she hit me. Many times, she would spank when she was angry. I understand that parents are people too and they do get angry. Also, sometimes there were some pretty harsh words that came with her spankings. Being that way with my own children scares me somewhat. I've shared this with my  husband and he says that physical discipline can be exclusively his if I am uncomfortable with it. But I want to have as much "leverage" with the children as he does. I don't want to have to be the "wait until your dad gets home" kind of mom. 

I am thankful that my mother disciplined and trained me, but as I said there were some occasions that it probably just went a little too far. I know she was parenting the best way she knew how. Still, I want to avoid repeating some things that I experienced. 

So, Christian mothers would you please offer me some guidance on this. Thank you


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## daydreem2876 (May 26, 2009)

I am not a mother but at least you have the insight into the differences between your beliefs and your mothers actions.  I think that since you have the ability to see the difference means that you will be able to use spanking effectively.  You seems to already know not to do it because you are angry and to restrain yourself so you don't far.


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## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (May 26, 2009)

Supergirl said:


> So, Christian mothers would you please offer me some guidance on this. Thank you




Something my wise grandmother once told me, "never spank them when you are angry."  That takes a lot of the doubt away.  You will then be disciplining in control.  And save the spanking for repeated warnings...about serious, dangerous things and behaviors to where the child must learn he can hurt himself or others.  That will drive the point home.  We also have a Native tradition.  For a child who doesn't listen, repeatedly and is exhibiting pure obstinance and disrepect you need to get control of fast,  around 9-14 or so, douse them heavily with cold water.  Spanking isn't always hitting.  There are other ways of physical discipline.  But the flesh drives the point home often.  There have been kids left out in the wildderness to fend for themselves after repeated warnings (mostly drugs and drinking, anti-social, trouble with the law).  They came out of it apologetic and, suddenly and miraculously, understanding of the societal rules and order.  But that is the most extreme.


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## kayte (May 26, 2009)

I'm not a mom and I don't believe in spanking....._easy_ for me to say!..lol  
so ordinarily...I would not even venture an opinion out of resepct for your request for Christian mommies.....
but there WAS this really great article by Elizabeth Elliot on a Christian mom who did spank her child and I remembered reading it and thinking.... 

well.._if I ever DID entertain the idea of spanking....this would be the way I would do it..._

off to research to find the article for you


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## kayte (May 26, 2009)

*Teach Your Children to Choose*

I had breakfast with our friend BarbTompkins in Tucson. 
She brought along two-year-old Katy, who behaved very well throughout most of the meal. She interrupted at one point,and pestered her mother, who said quietly, "Katy,you are not in charge here. But would you like tobe in charge of Baby Flo? Baby Flo was a tiny doll she had with her.
I plied Barb with questions about how she rears her children (she has two older boys also). 

She said she had been helped by Paul Meier's book Happi-ness Is a Choice, and had determined to teach her children how to make good choices.When Katy was about eighteen months old,Barb decided to teach her to stay within the boundaries of their own property, although there was no fence.

 She set aside a day for this lesson and walked the boundary with the baby, pointing out where she could and could not go, explaining that to step over the line meant a spanking. Barb then sat down in a lawn chair with a book and told Katy she could play. It was not long, ofcourse, before Katy tested the line, then stepped over. In a normal tone of voice Barb called, "Katy,would you come here, please?' That lesson had been learned long before, so Katy came. 


"Katy,honey, I see you have chosen a spanking," said the mother, and proceeded to give her one. Then she went over the lesson again, explaining why the spanking had been necessary. It was Katy's choice.Barb teaches her children such maxims as"People are not for hitting, they're for loving"
and "When people say they can't it usually means
they won't.

"It's important, she says, not to label a child naughty or good, but to point out exactly what he did that was naughty, or what he did that was good. 

When correction is necessary, Barbara tries always to affirm the child in some way after-wards—"I like the way you picked up your toys this morning.

"Barb does not always use spanking for punish-ment. Sometimes she gives the child "time out,"which means she is put into a Port-a-Crib for al ittle while in order to meditate on her dis-obedience. 

If the child climbs out she has "chosen"a spanking. Barb thinks it is very important that the "time out" place not be the child's own bed or bedroom. She doesn't want her children to asso-ciate those places with punishment.

Katy whined for something, and Barb turned to her and said "Katy, you need to make a request."Katy said, "May I please ..."When Katy pulled a pen out of her mother's purse, Barb said, "That is not a choice. But these are—which would you like to play with?

*hope this gave some food for thought~...*
the single girl now exits the thread


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## Supergirl (May 26, 2009)

^^Thank you for finding that article Kayte. It sounds like that mother was very much in control of the situation and _herself_. I want to make sure that I am in control of myself. 

and OT, your hair in your siggy--yum yum! It's gorgeous.


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## goldielocs (May 26, 2009)

Hello Supergirl,

I spank, but it is not the first option unless my child in putting herself in danger.  When she was younger (2-4) I spanked more, but as she has gotten older she is punished by taking things she likes from her.  Pumkin is a very soft-hearted child so a stern look or a raised voice from her parents or grandparents sends her repenting very quickly.  

Spanking has it's place, but a child must understand why they are being spanked.  I do not spank out of anger and lately my husband has been stepping up and handling more of the punishing now that she's almost 8.  We make sure she realizes that she made to choice to make the wrong decision and that her punishment is a result of her decision.

We also require her to apologize to anyone she has offended, she has to apologize to us for being disobedient and she has to include a prayer for forgiveness with her nightly prayers. 

That's what works in our house.

Nicole


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## Supergirl (May 26, 2009)

^^^Thank you Nicole. That is awesome. I love the prayer of forgiveness. Wow. That reminds me of my elementary school. It was a private Christian school and we were paddled when we became a discipline problem. After the paddling, the teacher would always pray with us. Your butt would be hurting, but you would know that the teacher didn't hate you when she was praying with you!


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## moonglowdiva (May 28, 2009)

*As a mother of two wonderful children, I do believe that a child needs discipline but sometimes punishment goes with discipline. The Bible states in Proverbs 13:24 "He who spare his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him promptly." You can look at it as if it is a condition If you do this then that will happen. The rod in this context is equated to punishment. If you look the word rod up in the dictionary you will find 10 different definition for it. According to the context that is use in the Bible a rod could be a stick used to inflict punishment. Now as a parent, you are the person who decides what the punishment is that fit the offense. If you want to spank him/her that's fine do whatever works for your family. The Bible didn't say hit your child to get your point across. If your child is doing something that is not becoming of him/her self or is bringing shame and dishonor to the family he is to be punished. If you don't punish that child then you must not love him/her. Children must be taught right and wrong and discipline must be reinforced. Sometime the reinforcement is punishment. *

*Do understand me I take to Word of God very serious. I discipline and punish my children according to the behavior. I have very well behaved children. I spank them when appropriated and I ground them when appropriate. I let my children know when they have done something that disappoints me. I'm not the perfect mother by no stretch of the imaginate. I am a single parent trying to get this right. I try to keep my children rooted in the word of God. I plead the Blood of Jesus over them. I pray for my children. All of those things mention goes with discipline.*

*Just to add discipline is an action done out of love and punishment is an action to inflect fear. Sometimes as parents we must put the fear of Jesus in their little hearts so they will know that we love them. I have nothing more to add. *

*Be Blessed.*


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## hopeful (May 28, 2009)

Supergirl, my oldest is almost 17, my youngest is 9.  They have both gotten spankings a few times in their lives.  In the end I always felt their was a better way.  When I have become very angry or frustrated with my children _and I sat down and prayed_ God never told me to spank, never.  His wisdom always coached me to be more patient, to see the underlying issue beneath the behavior, to be more loving, and on an on.  In my case, there was always a  better response.  I can only speak for myself though and my family.  I will say that I don't think there is ever a good reason to beat the crap out of a child or to taunt or tease a child.


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## mrselle (May 28, 2009)

I understand where you are coming from with this.  My mother did hit me when I was growing up, but I can honestly say that most of the time I deserved it.  Now, there were a few times when things got a little too physical.  I hope to take those situations and not make the same mistakes.  I used to not agree with spankings, but when my stepdaughter turned 14 I quickly changed my mind.  My daughter is two and a half and I do “pop” her little legs, bottom and hands when I need to.  My husband and I always remark about the change in her after we’ve popped her.  She straightens right back up.  Popping is not a first resort for us or even a second or third.  She usually gets popped after being told something repeatedly.  I think spankings should go with the personality of the child.  For some children all they need is a stern voice and they will get right back in line.  My daughter is pretty feisty and she is definitely not going to take any mess of anybody (I like that about her), so I do have to remind her from time to time that she needs to listen to me.  Lately, all I have to do is stand over her (which is funny because I’m pretty short, but she hasn’t figured that out yet) and give her the “momma look” and she’ll stop whatever she is doing.  Bottom line, I see nothing wrong with spanking, but the punishment should fit the crime and personality of the child.


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## neenzmj (May 28, 2009)

My children are grown now, but they did receive their share of spankings.  I was mindful not to spank them out of anger and to consider whether it was warranted or not.  I also made it a point to talk to them afterward so they knew exactly why I had spanked them.  I will admit that they began receiving "tappings" very early on -- as soon as I began to discern those times when they were willfully disobedient.  I remember one time in particular when my daughter was around 2 (maybe younger.)  There was an item on the table which I told her not to touch.  I said "no no."  By this time, she was VERY aware what "no no" meant.  As soon as I turned away, she went for the item again and looked back at me as she was doing it.   This was the first time I realized that she was attempting to exert her will over mine.  Well, I tapped her hands a couple of times (enough to let her know I meant business.) I never had to worry about her touching things she wasn't supposed to on that table again.  This became the pattern for how I handled them -- I always based it on acts of willful disobedience. 

I can tell you that it paid off.  I could take my kids anywhere with me and not have to deal with any nonsense -- not because I was harsh with them, but because they knew their boundaries with me and they knew the consequences.  On many occasions, I'd have people come up to me and tell me how well-behaved they were.  I smile and say "thank you" and think to myself:  "that's because they got the "hook up" when they were young!


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## Supergirl (May 28, 2009)

Thank you--you all are wonderful mothers! 

It is so nice to talk to someone about these things before having children. Iron sharpens iron.  

Heavenly Father,

I thank You today for placing these beautiful, Godly mothers here to share their wisdom with me. Lord, please bless them for sharing with me and continue to bless them as parents and as women of God. Please be with me Lord when I become a parent and bring your peace and confidence into my parenting. Lord, please let ALL of us have children that diligently seek You. Help us to lead them in that Way Heavenly Father. I love you today and always.

In Jesus' Name
Amen


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## Jazzmommy (May 28, 2009)

neenzmj said:


> My children are grown now, but they did receive their share of spankings. I was mindful not to spank them out of anger and to consider whether it was warranted or not. I also made it a point to talk to them afterward so they knew exactly why I had spanked them. I will admit that they began receiving "tappings" very early on -- as soon as I began to discern those times when they were willfully disobedient. I remember one time in particular when my daughter was around 2 (maybe younger.) There was an item on the table which I told her not to touch. I said "no no." By this time, she was VERY aware what "no no" meant. As soon as I turned away, she went for the item again and looked back at me as she was doing it. This was the first time I realized that she was attempting to exert her will over mine. Well, I tapped her hands a couple of times (enough to let her know I meant business.) I never had to worry about her touching things she wasn't supposed to on that table again. This became the pattern for how I handled them -- I always based it on acts of willful disobedience.
> 
> I can tell you that it paid off. I could take my kids anywhere with me and not have to deal with any nonsense -- not because I was harsh with them, but because they knew their boundaries with me and they knew the consequences. On many occasions, I'd have people come up to me and tell me how well-behaved they were. I smile and say "thank you" and think to myself: "that's because they got the "hook up" when they were young!


 
My philosophy is similiar... I do not spank out of anger and I rarely do anyway. I always talk to my daughter afterwards to let her know why she was spanked. I also incorporate other forms of discipline as well because I believe if you constantly spank it could loose its impact (I like Dr. James Dobson's theory when it comes to spanking). Also, I've made it a point to spank using a belt and not with my hands since I hug with my hands etc.,


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## Supergirl (May 28, 2009)

Jazzmommy said:


> My philosophy is similiar... I do not spank out of anger and I rarely do anyway. I always talk to my daughter afterwards to let her know why she was spanked. I also incorporate other forms of discipline as well because I believe if you constantly spank it could loose its impact (I like Dr. James Dobson's theory when it comes to spanking). Also, I've made it a point to spank using a belt and not with my hands since I hug with my hands etc.,



Can you share what Dr. Dobson has to say about spanking?


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## Jazzmommy (May 28, 2009)

Sure, here's an excerpt from an article. I have his book- Dare to Discipline.

"Spanking isn't the only discipline option, says Dr. James Dobson, founder of the Christian organization Focus on the Family, but it remains a valuable tool. He advises using a neutral object such as a paddle or a switch to administer spankings to children. His belief is that this preserves the image of a parent's hand as an object of love, not punishment. It is crucial, he emphasizes, that parents maintain control over their tempers and always balance firmness with love."

He also believes that spanking should only be done for example when a child willfully disobeys a command or something major-- not for example over spilled milk or something minor.

He advocates spanking of children upto a certain age. In his book Dare to Discipline, he  advocates that spanking of children when they misbehave, but warns that "corporal punishment should not be a frequent occurrence" and that "discipline must not be harsh and destructive to the child's spirit." 

He is also quoted in an article as saying:

"Dobson has called disciplining children to be a necessary but unpleasant part of raising children that should only be carried out by qualified parents: "Anyone who has ever abused a child — or has ever felt himself losing control during a spanking — should not expose the child to that tragedy. Anyone who has a violent temper that at times becomes unmanageable should not use that approach. Anyone who secretly 'enjoys' the administration of corporal punishment should not be the one to implement it."[34]

Hopefully, this gives you an idea of his philosophy.
If I wasn't spanked... I wouldn't be where I am today for sure.


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## TrustMeLove (May 28, 2009)

I don't want to spank. My husband can do that if he so chooses too. 

But, I want to put the fear of God, mommy, and daddy in my children at a young age. I want to be like those parents who can give a look and sometimes it might take a stern word and their kids get in order. I think this might happen if you start serious discipline at a young age. Popping those hands or legs....when it esculates to that point.

However, I didn't really get spankings when I was little. I can't remember them...mostly everyone said that I was a good little girl. I did get on punishment when I was a teenager. THAT SUCKED! Lawd have mercy. I made sure not to do dirt and if I made the concious decision to do dirt it was worth the consequences...but I made sure I just never got caught. Hahahaha. 

But, you always get caught and get in trouble. However, I wasn't getting spankings at 10-12 etc...Just punishment. And even now at 25 my aunts and mom say that I was a good teenager.

I don't see anything wrong with spankings or whoppings..I just don't want to do them. But, I am all for punishment. I can't stand disrespectful bad mannered children YUCK! 

I am hoping the early on strictness as a toddler little kid..elementary school child will help to curb any appettite to be off the hook when they get older.

But, I have a 4 year old cousin and every since she was little I just talk to her straight up when we are out and she wants to act up. We have a good relationship. 

For example, she wanted me to buy her a WHACK Toy I told her no. She said well I'm going to take it. I than told her the consequences of taking it and how the police will come out and take her away. I didn't want that to happen so she should put it back. She said NO I want it. I said ok well I will stand right here and watch you walk out and the police take you away. 

She looked at me and said. Well you know maybe I don't need this toy and put it back. HAHAHAHAHA! 

Folks were starring at us as we had this conversation in Bed Bath & Beyond. Than we walked out the store hand in hand.


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## firecracker (May 28, 2009)

BEAT'EM! in my best Color Purple voice.  J/K


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## Supergirl (May 28, 2009)

Jazzmommy said:


> Sure, here's an excerpt from an article. I have his book- Dare to Discipline.
> 
> "Spanking isn't the only discipline option, says Dr. James Dobson, founder of the Christian organization Focus on the Family, but it remains a valuable tool. He advises using a neutral object such as a paddle or a switch to administer spankings to children. His belief is that this preserves the image of a parent's hand as an object of love, not punishment. It is crucial, he emphasizes, that parents maintain control over their tempers and always balance firmness with love."
> 
> ...



Thanks


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## prettykinks (May 31, 2009)

I spank my son but my mom says I'm not doing it had enough that's why he keeps doing the same things over and over again and after I spank him he tries to kick then I have to do it again. I feel bad for doing it in the first place.


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