# Should a Christian 15-Year Old Girl Go to a "Hot tub" Party?



## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (Aug 18, 2009)

Serious question!  My daughter attends parochial school and some kid at her new school (we moved, I do not know these sets of parents well), a boy, is having a "hot tub" party.  A what????  It's basically a pool party and they have a hot tub.  Okay, maybe I'm too old school, but yesterday at the pool with her girlfriends and two of us parents chilling, the girls were giving the sketchy details.  Of course, like most kids, this was a texted invitation, through word of mouth.  I have yet to contact Nikko's parents about it.  This will be a party in which the kids are wearing swimsuits...coed!!!!!!!!  At 15.  Other kids are supposedly confirmed to go...but I don't care.

My daughter is angry with me for not letting her go.  Sorry, I don't know these folks and I am not responsible for the behavior of the other kids.  I do not want somebody to do anything to my child...neither do I want her to be tempted.  She does not date (we don't do that).  She's angry that I "don't trust her" but I explained to her that it's the other kids and situation I do not trust, but I trust her indeed. 

Okay, so yesterday, when the girls went back to jump in the pool and leave us parents to talk, one of the parents (all our kids attend church school elementary together with 2 h.s.) with only elementary age girls tried to coax me into "trusting" my daughter with her spiel, "oh, when they aren't allowed to do things, they will rebel...blah...blah...I grew up in the 70's with free love, alcohol and free sex."  I just sat there listening like erplexed on my face.  What the huh??  Lady, there are rules and then there are relaxations of the rules...sometimes with no relaxation of rules whatsoever.

So, I'm not allowing my kid to attend.  I explained to her that there are rules and one of them is no last-minute stuff, no parents info so I can call?, no go.  She knows these rules.  She also knows that this is NOT OUR CULTURE!!!  The Coppola's mother, a feisty Scicilian MD ain't allowing hers either!  I don't give a rats tuchis what these other kids are doing tho...this is _my_ daughter and I'm not allowing her to go to anybody's co-ed last minute party with hormone-laden laddies eyeing near-naked 15 year old bikini clad bodies and g-d knows where the parents are going to be in that mansion of a house...many rooms, 2 parents, 25 kids....uuuuhhhhhh, NOPE!

So, anybody else?  I'm just shocked with the response of one of the parents to "trust" my daughter.  What this mother of non-teens doesn't realize yet is that you have to mistrust OTHER teens around your children sometimes.  You never know who's got alcohol, rohipnol, drugs, condoms and a mindsent to just take it as they want it.  Thing is, and I'm divorced myself but not because her reasons....but she's trying to lecture me and she wears clothing that is borderline Fredericks of Hollywood to Mass.  He's still divorcing her.   Being overtly sexy ain't keeping a man ifn he wants ta gonono:  And then the revelation that she grew up around free sex and drugs.  In comparison, my father was a "rabbi" and my mother was "mother theresa."  Heck no.


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## mrselle (Aug 18, 2009)

I think for the reasons you listed, there is nothing wrong with not wanting your daughter to go to the “hot tub” party.  I don’t know why teenagers are in such a rush to grow up, but that’s a whole different thread.  Just like you stated, you don’t know the parents, you don’t know what they have in their house and you don’t know what their rules are.  Furthermore, maybe you mentioned this and I read over it, but is this a chaperoned party and if so who is chaperoning it?  Also, a door to temptation will be open.  There is nothing wrong to setting limits.  I think that is what is wrong with a lot of parents today; nobody seems to want to set any limits.


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## Livingmylifetothefullest (Aug 18, 2009)

It's your daughter and your the parent. Your daughter will just have to deal with the fact that she can't go. You said NO and she needs to learn how to deal with it. 

I don't think there needs to be discussion about it. And based off the reasons you've listed, I wouldn't allow my child to go either. Some of these parents aren't really parents themselves, instead they try to be their child's friend. I'm not down with that.


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## ♥Lamaravilla♥ (Aug 18, 2009)

I think you're right on your decision. My grandparents would have never allowed me to go to a party like this. But beyond the fact that it just isn't appropriate, what about the health ramifications? There are so many skin infections among other things (like herpes ) that your daughter could catch, especially if these aren't clean people or they don't keep up on the maintenance of the hot tub.


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## trenise (Aug 18, 2009)

I would not be at all comfortable with horney boys looking at my (hopefully) innocent daughter. I lean toward the modest side and don't think it is appropriate for them to wear those little less-than-underwear bikinis in mixed company. And I know teens don't want to wear shorts and a t-shirt, board shorts, or even a one piece if their friends are getting Brazillian waxes in order to wear the teeniest swim "suits". Saying no to her, may actually be saving her from a humiliating time in her life, depending on what goes on at that party.


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## MrsHdrLe (Aug 18, 2009)

GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I said:


> Serious question!  My daughter attends parochial school and some kid at her new school (we moved, I do not know these sets of parents well), a boy, is having a "hot tub" party.  A what????  It's basically a pool party and they have a hot tub.  Okay, maybe I'm too old school, but yesterday at the pool with her girlfriends and two of us parents chilling, the girls were giving the sketchy details.  Of course, like most kids, this was a texted invitation, through word of mouth.  I have yet to contact Nikko's parents about it.  This will be a party in which the kids are wearing swimsuits...coed!!!!!!!!  At 15.  Other kids are supposedly confirmed to go...but I don't care.
> 
> My daughter is angry with me for not letting her go.  Sorry, I don't know these folks and I am not responsible for the behavior of the other kids.  I do not want somebody to do anything to my child...neither do I want her to be tempted.  She does not date (we don't do that).  She's angry that I "don't trust her" but I explained to her that it's the other kids and situation I do not trust, but I trust her indeed.
> 
> ...


You are absolutely right!  Your child, your choice.  She'll get over it and be thankful in the end (I warn you it'll be a LOOOOOOONNNNGGG end, but she'll come around)


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## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (Aug 18, 2009)

You know, I'm a DEVOUT catholic and I mean devout with a capital D.  We frequent confession and weekly Mass.  I'm sorry, there's enough "guilt" to go around.  I guess I'm more shocked that that one parent was trying to make me look like a prude.  My kid?  She'll get over it...like she always does with these types of situations where I do not agree.  '

Yeah, where's the rush to live like a 35 year old?  Why do these Pittsburgh kids like to have coed tub parties?  This isn't the first I've heard of.    But I don't care.  It's not up to discussion, it's up to decision.

But that other parent???  Just wait until her daughter's are teenage...or maybe she was channeling her previous teen life?  No thanks.  But thank you for your comments.  I just needed that high-five support for a moment.


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## Ramya (Aug 18, 2009)

That's a no. Especially since the details are sketchy and you don't know the parents of the child that is throwing the party.


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## CosmopolitanChic (Aug 18, 2009)

I have a 17 year old son. I have always been very particular about the parties and homes he attends. If I decide to let him go. The teen club was out, I explained to him that he has enough time to walk into a club. If I don't know the parents, as in talk face to face, let me see what you look like..no go. This morning he came to me and he smiled and said "Mom you never let me go to many parties". I said the very exact thing to him that you said, "I trust you, but its other people I do not trust". He smiled at me, and said "Mom I will be 18 in December, "aaand"?, I said. "You have taught me to be very careful, thanks." 

This is a testimony of a child who had ADD and tons of problems in grade school and was a brooder when he could not and did not get his way.
Good student , mannerable  and caring son. God is good!! and he is faithful!!


I have cried alot, with children you sometimes do, but  the God of Israel heard my cry.

 Mom , stand your ground, God is in your house, he got your back.. its your right...You stand for something or you'll believe everything..

God Bless


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## ♥Lamaravilla♥ (Aug 18, 2009)

And think of it this way too, what if you did decide to relent and let her go, only to have something happen to her, God forbid? Then you would be beating yourself up about not following your better judgment.


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## Renewed1 (Aug 18, 2009)

Children are BOLD nowadays.  When I was growing up, if I mentioned to my MOM about going to a "hot tub" party, when I was a kid.  

She would have *ENDED MY LIFE*.  

GV, you are in the right.  THE END


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## PinkPebbles (Aug 18, 2009)

I'd say NO and your daughter will get over it.

In H.S. I was a freshman and my boyfriend was a senior and my mom would not let me go to his senior prom. I was angry with my mother at the time but I thank her now for not allowing me to go. With that being said, your daughter will thank you later on in life!


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## natural_one (Aug 18, 2009)

I would have compromised with her and let her go for a few hours. You could have made sure she didnt wear anything too revealing, and since she has been taught she most likely would have behaved herself.  I say this only because I grew in a strict Christian household and I was restricted from EVERYTHING, so I know how it feels to not be able to attend social events due to religious reasons.


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## music-bnatural-smile (Aug 18, 2009)

hmm...
if it was in the day time i would let her...
also if the parents would talk to you and there werent sketch details...


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## Prudent1 (Aug 19, 2009)

Let's see,   hot tub party  +hormone ridden teens+ sketchy details....Umm no.  Don't really know the parents. No. You will be held accountable for the things you allowed your daughter to do by God one day. :realitycheck: The children we have belong to him- he allows us to parent them just like he allows us to steward his money and his resources but they are his not ours in the ultimate sense. As parents we have to be balanced in a Godly way and it is not a one time thing. We have to be fearless and loving. To Natural One's credit we can't be too far in one extreme or the other.  We are not here to be our kid's friends- that can come with adult kids. We don't want to crush their spirits nor should we try to relive our childhood through them either. You have to be careful who you let your kids hang out with remember if you lie down with dogs, no need to act shocked when you will get up with fleas.

1 Corinthians 15:33 (New International Version)
33Do not be misled: "Bad company corrupts good character."

BTW you are right. Who cares what this other mom had to say?!! :hippie4: People love giving advice when their own lives are a hott mess.


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## Almaz (Aug 19, 2009)

I cannot even believe you would have G'd for that in the first place. Maybe it was just a momentary slip of the mind on her part


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## life_is_great (Aug 19, 2009)

I would definitely not let my 15 year old daughter go to a hot tub party... no way!!!!


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## BeautifulFlower (Aug 19, 2009)

I dont have children but I can see why you wouldnt want her to go. Thank you for posting this.


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## cocomochaa (Aug 19, 2009)

I definately hear where you're coming from and you are right; your child your rules but couldn't you drop her off and speak to the parents? Let her stay for only an hour? Pick out her swimming costume? A compromise somewhere? 
You trust your daughter but I'm sure she doesn't feel trusted.
Not a very good comparision but my cousin (18) secretly took his driving lessons and passed. Told his mum and she said he wasn't allowed to buy a car because ' its not that I don't trust your driving skills, its other drivers I'm afraid of.'

When do you plan to stop using 'its other kids I don't trust' as an explanation?'  I know you've probably heard it a million times but  kids (not  all) that are tightly reigned growing up are sometimes unable to find balance once when they go away to uni. I was allowed to go to some parties growing up; I was allowed to socialise with boys in fact I form better friendships with men. When I went to university I decided to stay at home and I never went through the 'wild stage and because I knew how to deal with peer pressure i never succumbed to it.

However I can tell a whole lottta stories about the kids with strict parents who unleashed at uni like you wouldn't believe. Went to the furthest uni and hardly came back on holidays. 
Trust your daughter and trust your parenting. Ease up just a little and you'll lay the foundations for a wonderful mother-daughter friendship for when she becomes an adult.


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## Poohbear (Aug 19, 2009)

GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I, I believe you are doing the right thing. 

*Btw, what does your screen name stand for?*


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## Ramya (Aug 19, 2009)

cocomochaa said:


> I definately hear where you're coming from and you are right; your child your rules but couldn't you drop her off and speak to the parents? Let her stay for only an hour? Pick out her swimming costume? A compromise somewhere?
> You trust your daughter but I'm sure she doesn't feel trusted.
> Not a very good comparision but my cousin (18) secretly took his driving lessons and passed. Told his mum and she said he wasn't allowed to buy a car because ' its not that I don't trust your driving skills, its other drivers I'm afraid of.'
> 
> ...



So what happens if she gets the daughter all dressed and ready and shows up and doesn't approve? then she has to say no while the girl is there which in my opinion is worse than just saying no from the beginning.


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## jerseygurl (Aug 19, 2009)

I don't even think it's a matter of religion, it's the thought of 15 year olds who may be unsupervised in a hot tub. I wouldn't let my daughter go if I don't have enough details to satisfy me. 

GV she may be pissed right now but she will thank you for it. Good decision


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## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (Aug 19, 2009)

cocomochaa said:


> I definately hear where you're coming from and you are right; your child your rules but *couldn't you drop her off and speak to the parents? Let her stay for only an hour*? Pick out her swimming costume? A compromise somewhere?
> You trust your daughter *but I'm sure she doesn't feel trusted.*
> Not a very good comparision but my cousin (18) secretly took his driving lessons and passed. Told his mum and she said he wasn't allowed to buy a car because ' its not that I don't trust your driving skills, its other drivers I'm afraid of.'
> 
> ...



I know what you mean.  But driving a car is a necessity of life these days. That cannot compare with boys who might DO something to my daughter.  There is a culture to consider as well and my kids are not at all AFrican American but raised in a very different environment.  My kids do attend parties but not every party is conducive to well-being and safety.  

Thing is, children feel a sense of entitlement today that we didn't have, even 10 years ago.  They are so video/t.v./movie minded, not being able to find mundane reality well.  Thing is, if children lose it all in college, it is their choice.  I have cousins whose dad is a pastor and half of them turned to drugs and drinking.  It's not the parents' fault.  They provided the gates, the rules, the protections, admonishments, love, _freedom_, instruction and godliness.  When we sin, we do so through free will.  G-d will not force anyone to conform to His instructions.  Neither can we. 

Sure, psychologically, kids who are kept from absolutely everything desire to swing to the other side of the pendulum.  But if they do and mess up their lives, it's ultimately their choice and they will have to answer for it in the judgment.  I say this to let parents who give a dern off the hook.  There is this climate of blame in this psychology age that everyone else is at fault, but never self, never individal choices...people are always "driven" and that's a fallacy in this society. 

I ended up letting her go.  And this is how it went down.  The friend couldn't go as well because the mother found out 4 others weren't going either and because of my initial choice.  However, the students who did go, I knew.  Didn't know Nikko but we spoke to the mother on the phone before the party.  I don't wait until I get there...too much pressure and if you don't like the parents or the environment?  You'll embarass the kids.  

They didn't swim because we both drove the girls to the party 2.5 hrs after it started and it was already dark and chilly.  The kids were getting ready for a movie and pizza by then.  Strict rules such as no pool, no getting pushed into the pool or their tuchises were mine.  They wore no swimsuits.  I would not have let her go without her sidetwin M.  Her mother and I are tight.  We discussed all the reasons for our initial decision and came to a compromise.  Turned out the party was well-behaved and the house wasn't all that big to get lost in.  The father was up front doing computer work and the mother was at the pool and the family room.  And Nikko was the only boy there ahahahaha!

It's not that I don't trust my child...I do.  But I had to make sure I'm not sending my child into the woods with wolves.  Wolves attack, even innocents like Red Riding Hood.  So, it is the other people at times.  And yes, compromises can be made.  I just don't like the lingo up here at all, "hot tub/swimming" party.  BTW, this is a white-as-milk environment so they say things differently.  PLus, we had the talk about maintaining cache', mystery and NOT being the girl who frequents every single party.  It turned out to be the last get together of their small private school before classes return next week.  Thank G-d.  But I didn't like it, not one bit, actually.  Gotta know when to hold the reigns till you bleed and when to let up so they can breathe. I'm a well-adjusted parent.


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## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (Aug 19, 2009)

Prudent1 said:


> BTW you are right. Who cares what this other mom had to say?!! :hippie4: People love giving advice when their own lives are a hott mess.



I'm telling you!  You never know who's who always but sometimes things are revealed.  Shocking.  I don't find losing virginity a christian value ahahahaDrugs and free sex, mein tuchis!  I wouldn't tel anybody that was my upbringing in a catholic school to .....MIDDLEEASTERNERS!!!!!   
I mean, folks think all Americans are whores in the first place...but to confirm it?  Geez.


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## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (Aug 19, 2009)

Poohbear said:


> GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I, I believe you are doing the right thing.
> 
> *Btw, what does your screen name stand for?*



Thanks.  It's "honeysuckle" in Cherokee and 'honey, I ain't no sukka in English"  

Well, a big round of thanks to all who responded and/or prayed in private.  She didn't get the "hot tub" part of it haha.  And I know they are growing up and trying to attract boys.  That's natural...but holding back with cache', that's a value that is little taught today with this in-ur-face sexplosion.  This is why I enjoy being part of this group...the sound advice you get.  See, I was able to come to a compromise we could live with.  And I stressed to her in front of her friend that 'no info, no deal'   Both her mom and I spoke to the mother as well as others before agreeing.  The father actually looked kinda pissed that his son was disturbing his summer night and I'm sure he wanted this thing over with very soon  lol.  Gosh, I'm so verbose...scuse me.


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## varaneka (Aug 19, 2009)

heck no she shouldn't go; that's when these kids' hormones skyrocket


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## music-bnatural-smile (Aug 19, 2009)

lol i used to get so excited when i was at camp when boys got in the hot tub with us... in the day time...
then someone somehow penetrated, so then the hot tub was no longer coed...
i think the perpetraters were 14 lol and that was like 8 years ago, my highschoolers are way worse lol


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## MissMeWithThatIsh (Aug 19, 2009)

As liberal as I am, I don't think I would allow any child, of any age, below 18, or living in my home to participate in anything like this. 

1. Why should you be in a purposefully sensual environment? If you're Christian or have otherwise conservative viewpoints... despite religion, the image just sounds inappropriate. 

2. If it were all girls, and there were no boys around, men included, and I had a modicum of trust for the parents that allowed this, I would have a clear sit down talk with anyone. 

3. She can hate me all she wants, but 15 just feels too young to be in such a sensual environment. If she were 21 I'm not sure I would agree, but she probably wouldn't be in my house in order for me to enforce anything on her. 

I'd probably REALLY have to talk with her to understand this


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## Spongie Bloom (Aug 19, 2009)

*Okay im 22 but no chance would I let someone of her age go to a coed hot tub party I  know what goes on in parties like that and aint no way she would go and there would be no explanation either no is no cause at 15 she should KNOW what would go on in these parties. If it were all girls and I knew them then yes I went to an all girls school myself and I often went swimming with my friends but co ed HECK NO *


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## Prudent1 (Aug 19, 2009)

[_B]Thing is, children feel a sense of entitlement today that we didn't have, even 10 years ago. They are so video/t.v./movie minded, not being able to find mundane reality well. Thing is, if children lose it all in college, it is their choice. I have cousins whose dad is a pastor and half of them turned to drugs and drinking. It's not the parents' fault. They provided the gates, the rules, the protections, admonishments, love, freedom, instruction and godliness. When we sin, we do so through free will. G-d will not force anyone to conform to His instructions. Neither can we. [/B]_
 Can I get an AMEN? I'm telling you! I work in corporate America and I am appalled at the number of people who are not willing to be responsible for their own choices.  So many people think b/c they are breathing they are entitled to something. That mindset has gotten quite a few folks in debt, broken up marriages, gotten them fired, etc.

*Sure, psychologically, kids who are kept from absolutely everything desire to swing to the other side of the pendulum. But if they do and mess up their lives, it's ultimately their choice and they will have to answer for it in the judgment. I say this to let parents who give a dern off the hook. There is this climate of blame in this psychology age that everyone else is at fault, but never self, never individal choices...people are always "driven" and that's a fallacy in this society. *

Amen again... There are more pills and ailments for stuff cause everything is a disease or hereditary (there-by removing any personal responsibility ) diagnosed by doctor 'so and so'. I mean if a doctor says 'x' it is absolutely true right?  Parents please show some chutzpah! My ultimate goal as a parent is to release Godly, thinking, responsible people into this world. Ok, I'm getting off my soapbox now.


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## cocomochaa (Aug 19, 2009)

GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I said:


> I know what you mean.  But driving a car is a necessity of life these days. That cannot compare with boys who might DO something to my daughter.  There is a culture to consider as well and my kids are not at all AFrican American but raised in a very different environment.  My kids do attend parties but not every party is conducive to well-being and safety.
> 
> Thing is, children feel a sense of entitlement today that we didn't have, even 10 years ago.  They are so video/t.v./movie minded, not being able to find mundane reality well.  Thing is, if children lose it all in college, it is their choice.  I have cousins whose dad is a pastor and half of them turned to drugs and drinking.  It's not the parents' fault.  They provided the gates, the rules, the protections, admonishments, love, _freedom_, instruction and godliness.  When we sin, we do so through free will.  G-d will not force anyone to conform to His instructions.  Neither can we.
> 
> ...



 That's what my mum and I live by. Its great you're passing it on to her! She'll def thank you for that in a couple years.

From reading your post it seems like you're similar to my mum when I was growing up. And you are very well-adjusted!! I *totally *understand now!
My mummy tells me how she nearly had heart attacks whenever she would let me go out and would wait and watch the clock so she could come get me. 

Rregarding the *white-as-milk environment. *I went to a private school too, same crowd. lingo is definately different. I had to explain to my mum that 'all night party' actually meant it finished at 9:30pm and included all 17 girls in my class playing scrabble and making up dance routines. 

I know my opinion doesn't count but it seems like you are doing everything right! (Maybe i'm a little biased because you're like my mum). Hope she had fun!


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## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (Aug 19, 2009)

Prudent1 said:


> [_B]T_absolutely true right?  Parents please show some chutzpah! .



Chutzpah is my middle name...very heavy on the gutteral fricative....CCCCCCHHHHH!  I need a Kleenex whenever I say it.



cocomochaa said:


> That's what my mum and I live by. Its great you're passing it on to her! She'll def thank you for that in a couple years.
> 
> FI went to a private school too, same crowd.* lingo is definately different.* I had to explain to my mum that 'all night party' actually meant it finished at 9:30pm and included all 17 girls in my class playing scrabble and making up dance routines.
> 
> I know my opinion doesn't count but it seems like you are doing everything right! (Maybe i'm a little biased because you're like my mum). Hope she had fun!




Nonsense, your opinion was great and wise.  That lingo sure is different cuz all I could think of was MTV and whatnot.  I felt .  Then they were talking about the pool and whatnot later...their hot tub is right next to it.  But I was delighted he was the only boy..."bragging rights" tho, this new semester ...lawd.  I still prefer the bon fire parties at the old school tho...well, until some fool ran through the fire...G-d help me.  If kids don't kill you, a disease generated from them will


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## Prudent1 (Aug 19, 2009)

GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I said:


> Thanks. It's "honeysuckle" in Cherokee and 'honey, I ain't no sukka in English"
> 
> Beautiful name....


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