# Long- but please read!



## CaliiSwagg (Jul 8, 2012)

Hey Ladies 

I lurk here often but seldom post. I wasn't sure where to post this so I figured it would be more appropriate in this section. 

A little background about me: I was saved at 18 due to the call to follow Christ. I was extremely zealous and thirsty for all things of the kingdom. I was in every service, I studied, Prayed, Fasted, Tithed, ect. You name it.. I did it. I truly believed that I was called to the ministry and was ready to get serious about doing the Lords work. Despite me not being perfect, I stayed on track for about 5 yrs. (I wasnt raised in church by the way)

After a while I felt like I wasn't being challenged when it came to church and when it came to wanting to grow and learn. I am extremely inquisitive so I began to study not only the word, but the canon, the history of the church, other religions ect. I felt the need to be knowledgable in the faith if I am to ever defend it. I never wanted to be an "ignorant christian" who blindly believes but doesnt really know why. 

So anyways, I had a meeting with my pastor because I was having some issuses about somethings regarding God and humanity.. Mainly ethical things, and I felt like I wasn't really heard. Like it was a nice meeting and my pastor was extremely good at what he does, but when it came to me questioning things because I wanted to genuinely know and understand, it wasn't even really addressed. I felt like everything was ok as long as I didn't ask questions and that didn't sit well with me.

Ok, so to make a long story short the more I started to learn about other religions, christianity, the history of it all, ect. I stopped going to church, praying, ect. 

And to add to the story... My father is a bishop of his own church (has been in ministry for almost 20 yrs- him and my mom divorced when I was 3) and was and still is 100% an absentee father. I am having a hard time understanding God's place in all of this. Me and my father speak on my terms and I honestly feel like he's a joke. You can take care of other peoples kids (his wife's) but not your own... yea ok dude. I know people are imperfect, but how am I to take my heavenly father serious when I can't even take my earthly father serious?

I know I'm probably babbling, but I am in a really confused place .. and I have been for some time now. I want to earnestly believe that all of this is apart of God's plan, but I seriously doubt it. Things that used to make sense to me, dont anymore. I feel like I have slipped through the cracks.

I honestly feel deeply hurt by God and my father. I feel like I was sold a lie when it came to chrisitianity or maybe I had unrealistic expectations on what it is about.. idk. 

I'm sorry it's so long... I just needed to get this out.


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## loolalooh (Jul 8, 2012)

CaliiSwagg:

I just want to say that I've read your post and will post a reply much later tonight.  (I have to meditate on it.)  You are not alone.

Others will chime in too, but it may take some time.


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## CaliiSwagg (Jul 8, 2012)

loolalooh said:


> @CaliiSwagg:
> 
> I just want to say that I've read your post and will post a reply much later tonight. (I have to meditate on it.) You are not alone.
> 
> Others will chime in too, but it may take some time.


 
loolalooh

Thank you 

I  have more info on my personal experiences with church or whatever if anybody is curious as to how that contributed to all of this as well.

Thank you ladies in advance!


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## LifeafterLHCF (Jul 8, 2012)

CaliiSwagg I will be brief I won't do a sermon.

The fact that you are aware of everything is in my opinion showing God's hand. God didn't call us to be ignorant. Your thirst for knowledge is God giving traits. You may have to dig deep to figure out why you feel the way you do.

Your father is a man. He has issues that he won't address and I would guess he isn't very anointed if at all in his ministry. See he is making a fool of God's name by not doing right by all his children. It's ok though. God allowed all of this for you to have this tesitmony. 

Your daddy didn't love you but God does. I have dealt with similar things in regards to believing God. Why would he have me go through some really jacked up things if he loved me. All were and will be used to for his glory and prepare me for my purpose.

I know the bible scholars will be in here directly but I'm just a realistic chick in regards to things. Do you love God? Do you desire to follow him in spite of everything? Right now it may feel weird but you were called don't hit the ignore button. You may never fully understand certain things. Knowledge on some degree is a double edged sword as it can cause us to tarry into action when God says move because we don't fully know what is going on.


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## CaliiSwagg (Jul 8, 2012)

GoddessMaker said:


> @CaliiSwagg I will be brief I won't do a sermon.
> 
> The fact that you are aware of everything is in my opinion showing God's hand. God didn't call us to be ignorant. Your thirst for knowledge is God giving traits. You may have to dig deep to figure out why you feel the way you do.
> 
> ...


 
GoddessMaker

thank you love!

I am aware that my father is just a man and is imperfect like us all. I think it hurts so much because I am his only child and he still failed to be there all the while preaching why others shouldn't abandon their children.

I would like to believe that my father loves me... Hell, he's supposed to. But idk. He has told me he does, but his actions have always failed to show. It would be different if he wasn't in a leadership position in ministry... if he was a average Joe... Idk if this would run so deep.

Honestly...
Do I love God? Yes.
Do I desire to follow him despite all...? right now... Idk.

I know that I will never fully understand everything that has happened in my life... and im ok with that. I am just having an extremely hard time making sense or even understanding why I ended up being one of those people that went from devout believer- skeptic.


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## beautyintheyes (Jul 8, 2012)

I understand theplace you are in I was raised in the church since age 6 and on my own free will at that age I decided to be saved. it was a hard time for me my parents were going through a divorce and I was sent to my great grandmother to live with while everything was being settled and I knew at 6 that there was someone that can be my rock in all of this. My father abandoned his family and I knew that the heavenly farther wouldn't.  And when I got older I did what you are doing I researched other religions and started asking questions I believe that there are many lessons I still believe in from other teachings. Personally I believe that bible was written by man and you can see some descrpincis so I use the bible as a guild line. But the questions I asked were to my pastor and he answered them very well. Even though your doing everything to get close to god the church you attend is very important cause the holly spirit is not alway there maybe go visit other churches and see if you are getting feed and being challenged by god. Just because he is a pastor doesn't mean that you can thrive at that church maybe go watch td jakes or other pastors on tv and see if the word they teach speaks to you.


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## smwrigh3 (Jul 8, 2012)

So true. When people have troublesome relationships with their earthly parents it makes it sometimes hard to build a relationship with others (including God). 

I sometimes would wonder why things that happened in my life happened but I am learning that God wants me to lean and depend on him. You said it yourself that people are imperfect and that couldn't be truer. The flaws in people should only drawer you closer to HIM. I can't understand how your father can minister and lead a flock when he has child that he has ignored. But that is a question you can and should ask him.


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## CaliiSwagg (Jul 8, 2012)

beautyintheyes said:


> I understand theplace you are in I was raised in the church since age 6 and on my own free will at that age I decided to be saved. it was a hard time for me my parents were going through a divorce and I was sent to my great grandmother to live with while everything was being settled and I knew at 6 that there was someone that can be my rock in all of this. My father abandoned his family and I knew that the heavenly farther wouldn't. And when I got older I did what you are doing I researched other religions and started asking questions I believe that there are many lessons I still believe in from other teachings. Personally I believe that bible was written by man and you can see some descrpincis so I use the bible as a guild line. But the questions I asked were to my pastor and he answered them very well. Even though your doing everything to get close to god the church you attend is very important cause the holly spirit is not alway there maybe go visit other churches and see if you are getting feed and being challenged by god. Just because he is a pastor doesn't mean that you can thrive at that church maybe go watch td jakes or other pastors on tv and see if the word they teach speaks to you.


 
@beautyintheyes
I have actually been to many churches throughout my walk and watched people on tv. After a while it just felt like I was going through the motions... hearing the same sermons, tithing, praying, ect. It honestly turned into a job. There are some things about the christian faith that really bother me. How did you deal with your digression from where you were in your youth all the while keeping your belief in God?



smwrigh3 said:


> So true. When people have troublesome relationships with their earthly parents it makes it sometimes hard to build a relationship with others (including God).
> 
> I sometimes would wonder why things that happened in my life happened but I am learning that God wants me to lean and depend on him. You said it yourself that people are imperfect and that couldn't be truer. *The flaws in people should only drawer you closer to HIM. I can't understand how your father can minister and lead a flock when he has child that he has ignored*. But that is a question you can and should ask him.


 
And ideally, peoples imperfections have... until I get to my father. When it comes to my father, I feel completely different because he abandoned me. Logically I know God is,has been, and will always be there... but that doesnt change the way that I feel and him and my father. I have started the healing process when it comes to my father... It will take time and he is aware of that.

When I basically walked away from church and everything I walked away from my father as well. I haven't spoken to him in a yr and I havent even really acknolwdged anything spiritual in the same amount of time.

I know in order to deal with one, I have to deal with the other.... I just dont know if and when I will be ready to.

-----------------------------------------------------------

ETA: When I asked my father why he was never there he basically said he got caught up in ministry and his life with his wife and her kids, and time just flew by.


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## PinkPebbles (Jul 8, 2012)

CaliiSwagg

I’m sorry to read what you are going through. I noticed that a lot of preachers abandon their children\family to minister the gospel, comfort, and strengthen others, while their own family suffers silently in need. There is no excuse for this type of treatment.  A preacher’s first ministry is his household; therefore, any preacher, evangelist, or minister that abandons their household is out of order.

Caliiswagg, it’s unfortunate and sad that your dad is not a part of your life. I can relate because my dad is not a part of my life. I had to forgive and let it go in order to move forward in life. A friend of mine shared similar experiences and she gave me Psalm 27:10 – When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.

So Caliiswagg, I pass this scripture on to you. My mom passed away many years ago, and my dad is not a part of my life. Yet, I’m still standing. I have a relationship with the Heavenly Father through Jesus Christ and He has proven His word to me. God cannot be compared to any man; His ways are not our ways, and His thoughts are not our thoughts. Please do not walk away from the Lord based upon your dad’s behavior. If you want to get to know the Lord for yourself, seek Him and you will find Him!

Peace & Blessings


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## CoilyFields (Jul 8, 2012)

Will return to reply sis!


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## CaliiSwagg (Jul 8, 2012)

PinkPebbles said:


> @CaliiSwagg
> 
> I’m sorry to read what you are going through. I noticed that a lot of preachers abandon their children\family to minister the gospel, comfort, and strengthen others, while their own family suffers silently in need. There is no excuse for this type of treatment. A preacher’s first ministry is his household; therefore, any preacher, evangelist, or minister that abandons their household is out of order.
> 
> ...


 
PinkPebbles
Thank you for your response! Your story is a true testimony and is inspiring. I want to get to a place of peace and forgiveness so I can move on and not allow this to control my life.

I still have a hard time even approaching God. I don't know where my beliefs lie anymore unfortunately. 

I know I shouldnt walk away due to my fathers actions... I just have an extremely hard time staying faithful.

I always felt like my father chose the church over me. So I have a hard time wanting to be apart of "something" that was a part of my source of pain.

I think when I was really in the word and serious about my walk I believed that I had moved on from my issue with this.... I was clearly wrong.


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## loolalooh (Jul 8, 2012)

CaliiSwagg:

Hi CaliiSwagg.  I'm back.

First off, I want to say that your pastor failed you in part.  He had an opportunity to lead you and teach you, but he did not.  This is not to say he is a bad person.  This is just to say that it is okay to ask questions, and imho, pastors should be able to address them given their positions as leaders amongst God's people.  They _may_ not have the answer, but they should address them.

Second off, your father has failed you in part.  Regardless of whether he is still married to your mother, you are still his child and he should not be 100% absent.  And him holding a high position in the church - a high position amongst God's people - makes the situation even sadder because more is to be expected of him.  

These things being said, we can see why it is instructed that we not put our trust in man but in God (Psalm 146, Psalm 3, etc.).  Humans make mistakes.  Humans sin.  Humans are capable of abandoning.  Humans can fail each other.  But God?  God won't fail us.

God didn't hurt you, but humans did.  And one thing I've learned in my spiritual journey is that the devil is REALLY good at making it look like God has hurt us, has abandoned us, has failed us.  REALLY good at it.  So don't fall for _that_ lie.

We can talk through the questions that you have about Christianity.  What are they?


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## PinkPebbles (Jul 8, 2012)

CaliiSwagg said:


> @PinkPebbles
> Thank you for your response! Your story is a true testimony and is inspiring. I want to get to a place of peace and forgiveness so I can move on and not allow this to control my life.
> 
> I still have a hard time even approaching God. I don't know where my beliefs lie anymore unfortunately.
> ...


 
It's human nature to feel that way.

The more you read and draw closer to God, the more unresolved issues God will allow to manifest. It's not to scare, discourage, or defeat you but for you to acknowledge and confront the issue so that you can be made whole and set free.

God is able to make grace abound towards you....His strength is made perfect in weakness.

Caliiswag, you will be in my prayers (((hugs))).

As loolalooh stated...you can ask your questions in the Christian forum for more understanding of the faith!


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## CaliiSwagg (Jul 8, 2012)

loolalooh said:


> @CaliiSwagg:
> 
> Hi CaliiSwagg. I'm back.
> 
> ...


 

loolalooh

Thank you for coming back!

Thank you for your response and I agree that God hasn't failed me even though it feels like it. 

In regards to my questions and/or concerns about christianity....

I just have a hard time accepting the notion that christianity or religion is like a one size fits all t-shirt.

I also have a hard time rationalizing God in a way that makes sense. Either I see him as a tyrant that wants to send everybody to hell if they are disobedient or he is this all loving cuddly cotton ball that gives us 180436234820 chances to choose him and live "righteous".

how does one come to value wisdom over knowledge?

Why isn't skepticism seen as an opportunity to teach and guide instead of reject and dismiss?

Given the way people are effected by culture, media, ect. how do we begin to apply anything from the word to a world that is ever changing? especially when people are leaving religion all together at a rapid speed?

If God's grace is true and real then wouldn't one always be saved?

How does one accept that a lot of things don't make logical sense when it comes to God and Christianity, but still believe it to be true?


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## CaliiSwagg (Jul 8, 2012)

PinkPebbles said:


> It's human nature to feel that way.
> 
> The more you read and draw closer to God, the more unresolved issues God will allow to manifest. It's not to scare, discourage, or defeat you but for you to acknowledge and confront the issue so that you can be made whole and set free.
> 
> ...



Thank you!! I really appreciate that! I need all the prayers I can get.


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## Ivonnovi (Jul 8, 2012)

I understand and "You are not alone!"   

Do not stop inquiring, I encourage you to.  Consider this part of your intellectual spiritual growth. 

Growth is not always easy.   Continue to seek and ask until your questions are satified.


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## loolalooh (Jul 8, 2012)

CaliiSwagg said:


> loolalooh
> 
> Thank you for coming back!
> 
> ...



CaliiSwagg:

It is good that you realize He is there for you.  That is very important step.  

To answer your questions:

*I just have a hard time accepting the notion that christianity or religion is like a one size fits all t-shirt.*
I think I understand what you are saying, but before I run off, can you clarify?

*I also have a hard time rationalizing God in a way that makes sense. Either I see him as a tyrant that wants to send everybody to hell if they are disobedient or he is this all loving cuddly cotton ball that gives us 180436234820 chances to choose him and live "righteous".*
I can definitely relate to you here.  The way I reconciled what seemed like "two" different Gods was to realize a few things.  For one, God hates sin and that has not nor will ever change.  And the price of sin is death.  That too has not changed.  The seemingly "tyrant" God we see in the Old Testament versus the "all loving" God we see in the New Testament is really a difference in pre-Christ era versus an era after Christ's coming.  Not a difference in God's character.  
I've been doing a lot of thinking on this subject and can expound on it more later, if you like.  But if one looks closely at the Old Testament, the "all loving" God is still there.  Not in fragments of the Old Testament, but throughout and even during the _seemingly_ "tyrant" moments.  

*how does one come to value wisdom over knowledge?*
Upon realizing that wisdom will get you further than knowledge.  Wisdom is spiritually based.  Knowledge is human/physical based.  Let me know if I understand your question correctly, then I can expound more on this as well.

*Why isn't skepticism seen as an opportunity to teach and guide instead of reject and dismiss?*
It depends on the Christian, but the one who rejects and dismisses skepticism may do so out of fear, out of thinking the skeptic is on the enemy's team, out of misunderstanding, or out of another reason.  Imo, we should respond to skepticism the way Jesus did -- by using it as an opportunity to teach and guide, as you have stated.

*Given the way people are effected by culture, media, ect. how do we begin to apply anything from the word to a world that is ever changing? especially when people are leaving religion all together at a rapid speed?*
The Word was not intended to be _applied_ to the world (other than to show the world it's sin) but rather to help us live _in_ the world. 

*If God's grace is true and real then wouldn't one always be saved?*
BRB with the thread that discusses this topic heavily and in depth ...

*How does one accept that a lot of things don't make logical sense when it comes to God and Christianity, but still believe it to be true?*
This is another question I've done a lot of thinking about.  The short answer (at least for me) is that many of things either 1.) make logical sense upon reconciling any contradictions with further research, 2.) make "spiritual" sense when one puts on one's spiritual goggles, or 3.) are rendered higher than our thoughts (Isaiah 55).

Feel free to let me know if I misinterpreted any of your questions.  I sometimes have a way of looking at a question 50 million different ways (an exaggeration) ....


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## CaliiSwagg (Jul 9, 2012)

loolalooh 


*I just have a hard time accepting the notion that christianity or religion is like a one size fits all t-shirt.*
I think I understand what you are saying, but before I run off, can you clarify?

The way christianity is presented is like it is this elite country club that not everybody will be accepted into and that really bothers me. And as far as the t-shirt thing goes... i think I typed it wrong... It should have been that it is NOT a one size fits all t-shirt. Meaning that what works for one person, may not work for others. But in the christian faith it is understood that christ should work for ALL. I have a hard time accepting that as reality considering people are different and have different background, cultures, ect. And if they don't comply in a sense, then they are doomed.


*I also have a hard time rationalizing God in a way that makes sense. Either I see him as a tyrant that wants to send everybody to hell if they are disobedient or he is this all loving cuddly cotton ball that gives us 180436234820 chances to choose him and live "righteous".*
I can definitely relate to you here. The way I reconciled what seemed like "two" different Gods was to realize a few things. For one, God hates sin and that has not nor will ever change. And the price of sin is death. That too has not changed. The seemingly "tyrant" God we see in the Old Testament versus the "all loving" God we see in the New Testament is really a difference in pre-Christ era versus an era after Christ's coming. Not a difference in God's character. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking on this subject and can expound on it more later, if you like. But if one looks closely at the Old Testament, the "all loving" God is still there. Not in fragments of the Old Testament, but throughout and even during the _seemingly_ "tyrant" moments. 

Ok I see where your coming from. Thank you for that, and I have defintely read the word countless times and was often confused as how to confused fuse the two but not see his character as altered. 

*how does one come to value wisdom over knowledge?*
Upon realizing that wisdom will get you further than knowledge. Wisdom is spiritually based. Knowledge is human/physical based. Let me know if I understand your question correctly, then I can expound more on this as well.

This is true. with our world and culture so much apart of our ever evolving lives and the internet being at our finger tips at all times, it is hard for me to not value knowledge over wisdom. Maybe if I saw wisdom valued more by others or elders or whatever.... idk. I do understand that knowledge can only get one so far.

*Why isn't skepticism seen as an opportunity to teach and guide instead of reject and dismiss?*
It depends on the Christian, but the one who rejects and dismisses skepticism may do so out of fear, out of thinking the skeptic is on the enemy's team, out of misunderstanding, or out of another reason. Imo, we should respond to skepticism the way Jesus did -- by using it as an opportunity to teach and guide, as you have stated.

I agree! I live in the south and it's like if one is not christian or a true believer of the faith then they are automatically labeled atheist and thats not right. I honestly believe a lot of people are terrified to be approached by anything skeptical because then it will make then question their own faith... and for a lot of people, they may not be as knowledgable or strong as they once thought. 

In me questioning things, my intentions are not to belittle the faith or try to prove it wrong... If anything I want to prove it more right and true. I am just trying to have a deeping understanding of what everything is about. 

*Given the way people are effected by culture, media, ect. how do we begin to apply anything from the word to a world that is ever changing? especially when people are leaving religion all together at a rapid speed?*
The Word was not intended to be _applied_ to the world (other than to show the world it's sin) but rather to help us live _in_ the world. 

WOW. THANK YOU!! I have never heard that before and it makes sense. You have no idea how much clarity your one sentence made. I have only heard of "applying the word of God to our world and blah blah blah". I am definitely going to chew on this for a while.

*If God's grace is true and real then wouldn't one always be saved?*
BRB with the thread that discusses this topic heavily and in depth ...

ok. Thanks. Getting to heaven is ultimately the goal, but the process of regeneration and making on holy from the inside out and how grace, justification, sanctification, ect is extremely interesting.

Whether one believes once saved always saved or whatever is really secondary to the grand scheme of things... well to me at least.

*How does one accept that a lot of things don't make logical sense when it comes to God and Christianity, but still believe it to be true?*
This is another question I've done a lot of thinking about. The short answer (at least for me) is that many of things either 1.) make logical sense upon reconciling any contradictions with further research, 2.) make "spiritual" sense when one puts on one's spiritual goggles, or 3.) are rendered higher than our thoughts (Isaiah 55).

I am glad that I am not the only one who thinks of such. And I plan on chewing on this as well because it does seem like either things make sense logically, spiritually, or are just beyond our mental capacity to fathom. Thank you for that scripture.. I will look over it when I get home from work.

Feel free to let me know if I misinterpreted any of your questions. I sometimes have a way of looking at a question 50 million different ways (an exaggeration) 

You answered them better than I was anticipating. Thank you so much for that! I don't ever really get a chance to ask such questions without someone taking offense or dismissing them. I needed this.


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## CaliiSwagg (Jul 9, 2012)

Ivonnovi said:


> I understand and "You are not alone!"
> 
> Do not stop inquiring, I encourage you to. Consider this part of your intellectual spiritual growth.
> 
> Growth is not always easy. Continue to seek and ask until your questions are satified.


 

Thank you love!! I really appreciate you and everybody's encouragement to continue to seek and grow even if it doesnt make sense or feel good at times. I have been feeling so confused for so long about so many things and I finally have a sense of relief about where I am spiritually. I used to think that if I am questioning things and getting skeptical that God wasn't approving and that it was me moving farther from him.

I just needed to know that my inquisition isn't a bad thing... but a good thing.



Thank you ladies.

I'm not sure if there is a thread for questions people may have that others can answer or giver reference to, but if not then I need to start one since I always seem to have questions about every and anything.


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## sidney (Jul 9, 2012)

please read my post God has a plan, I believe God wanted me to share that with you.  Loo answered your question well, if you have more we are willing to help u reason through the word.  Praying for you lady!


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## beautyintheyes (Jul 9, 2012)

CaliiSwagg said:
			
		

> @beautyintheyes
> I have actually been to many churches throughout my walk and watched people on tv. After a while it just felt like I was going through the motions... hearing the same sermons, tithing, praying, ect. It honestly turned into a job. There are some things about the christian faith that really bother me. How did you deal with your digression from where you were in your youth all the while keeping your belief in God?
> 
> And ideally, peoples imperfections have... until I get to my father. When it comes to my father, I feel completely different because he abandoned me. Logically I know God is,has been, and will always be there... but that doesnt change the way that I feel and him and my father. I have started the healing process when it comes to my father... It will take time and he is aware of that.
> ...



For me I had to make it a habit to not get upset when I heard the things that my father had done and not do for his family and take is as he loved me but not unconditionally. there were limits to what he could give me and when I realized that it applied to most people on this earth I decided disappointments in my life would be a turning point to look to the lord but I don't believe in everything that the bible says like I stated before but I rely on a spiritual relationship and I read the word for understanding,proverbs speaks to me the most. my mind set isn't the norm for a Christian but I still call myself one for a foundation is all you need we're u choose to take what you learn I'd put to the individuals choice. 

I still have a need to love my dad and choice men that are similar to him but I have to learn to love me first and know what I deserve comes first because god puts me first. I'm still working on my belief in the lord but life is not about solving all problems because all is temporary in the moment but about being grateful he is blessing you for every teaching


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## CaliiSwagg (Jul 10, 2012)

sidney said:


> please read my post God has a plan, I believe God wanted me to share that with you. Loo answered your question well, if you have more we are willing to help u reason through the word. Praying for you lady!


 
Thank you! I read your post and really enjoyed it. Even though I have a hard time understanding WHY I am where I am spiritually, I am trying to accept it and trust that God has me right where he wants me... even if it doesn't feel good or make sense to me.



beautyintheyes said:


> For me I had to make it a habit to not get upset when I heard the things that my father had done and not do for his family and take is as he loved me but not unconditionally. there were limits to what he could give me and when I realized that it applied to most people on this earth I decided disappointments in my life would be a turning point to look to the lord but I don't believe in everything that the bible says like I stated before but I rely on a spiritual relationship and I read the word for understanding,proverbs speaks to me the most. my mind set isn't the norm for a Christian but I still call myself one for a foundation is all you need we're u choose to take what you learn I'd put to the individuals choice.
> 
> I still have a need to love my dad and choice men that are similar to him but I have to learn to love me first and know what I deserve comes first because god puts me first. I'm still working on my belief in the lord but life is not about solving all problems because all is temporary in the moment but about being grateful he is blessing you for every teaching


 
Thank you for your elaboration. I will always love my father... I just know that it will take some time for the healing process. I just have an extremely hard time believing that God loves me more than my father ever could and that he always has. My abandonment issue runs deep. 

It just makes me wonder about the idea of there being more than one component to a belief someone has. Like I can logically make sense of something and believe it intellectually, but emotionally it sometimes is the complete opposite.

Any bible scholars willing to chime in about the disconnect that takes place between logic and emotion when it comes to a belief system?


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Jul 10, 2012)

I believe that a Pastors first responsibility is to his own family, how can you be so concerned about other people and your own family is falling apart. This is all to common and both the men and women of God will be held accountable. 

It's not too late to try and repair the damage I'm curious as to why when you confronted him that he didn't say that he would like to work on his and your relationship..


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## CaliiSwagg (Jul 11, 2012)

Iwanthealthyhair67 said:
			
		

> I believe that a Pastors first responsibility is to his own family, how can you be so concerned about other people and your own family is falling apart. This is all to common and both the men and women of God will be held accountable.
> 
> It's not too late to try and repair the damage I'm curious as to why when you confronted him that he didn't say that he would like to work on his and your relationship..



He actually has said that he wants to make his wrongs right and start to work on our relationship.  Idk..  Im a lot less enthusiastic  about it now vs when i was younger.


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Jul 11, 2012)

CaliiSwagg said:
			
		

> He actually has said that he wants to make his wrongs right and start to work on our relationship.  Idk..  Im a lot less enthusiastic  about it now vs when i was younger.



If he's extending himself the go for it, it's never to late this can and will help you both.


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