# loving a fatherless man



## SummerSolstice (Dec 29, 2011)

My boyfriend's father is currently estranged after 29 years of marriage. I found this article to be helpful. If you haven't heard of Shannon Tanner she is amazing! 
*Loving a Fatherless Man. What EVERY woman should know.*




inShare0​ 







 “Mom, where is dad?” When this question is asked by  one of my three sons it typically yields one of the following responses;  “at work, at a business meeting or out running errands.” My boys are  never left with an uncertainty that lasts longer than my response to  their question. But what about the little boy whose _question_ remains unanswered into manhood? *70 percent* of African American children are born out of wedlock, *20 percent* of white children are born out of wedlock. Only *34 percent*  of all children born in America will live with both biological parents  through age eighteen. With these sobering statistics, a large majority  of people reading this may be dating or married to a _fatherless man._

*Children suffer the greatest when a father is absent.*​ *63%* of youth suicides are from fatherless homes.
*90%* of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes.
*85%* of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes.
*80%* of rapists with displaced anger come from fatherless homes.
*71%* of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes.
*85%* of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home.
*“It is far easier to build strong boys than it is to repair broken men.” -* Dr. Barbara Jackson​ ​*Men are wired to “model” behavior.*
 A father’s main role in a home is to provide a  “model” for a young boy to follow. He shapes his son’s masculinity,  integrity and character. He influences his son’s understanding and  treatment of the opposite sex. He prepares him for purpose and trains  him to understand his role as a man. When a father is absent a boy must  formulate his manhood out of _thin air._ While many single  mothers have done a tremendous job of bringing up boys, a woman cannot  give a boy something she has never possessed; _authentic masculinity._
*A generation of Fatherlessness has produced; broken  promises, broken families and the rejected hearts of boys who have  become broken men.
*

*What role should a woman play?*
 A man’s deepest question will always center on his performance, “_do I measure up_?”  A fatherless man wrestles with this soul question in an even greater  way. While a woman cannot validate a man’s masculinity she can certainly  further wound him. When we constantly criticize, control, critique and  verbally diminish our men, we inflict greater damage to their souls. A  man will rarely offer his strength where he perceives it will be met  with ridicule or failure.
* “Fatherless boys spend up to 80% of their time with  women. They don’t know how to act when they grow up. This directly  affects the relationships between the sexes. Men become more helpless,  like big kids.” –* Sociologist Peter Karl

* How can a man offer what he was never given?*
 A fatherless man often times has never had his  significance validated by another man. For many of these men, the  deepest question of their soul remains unanswered, “_Do I have what it takes_?”  He has grown up never hearing one powerful, life-altering phrase, “_well done_” from his father. These men can often become driven, chasing public success, accolades and affirmation. But their “ache” is a _private one_  it will never be healed by outward success. Fatherless men may fall  into passivity in their relationship, refusing to offer their strength  and leadership where their women need it most.  A man’s core role is to *provide, protect, lead and cover* his family.  But when he has not had a father to teach and set a tangible example for him, his entire family may suffer.
_*“Fatherlessness is the greatest social problem facing society today. When you cut off the head, the body falls*_.” – Filmmaker Andrea Wiley

*It takes a man, to make a man.*
 My husband and I struggled with one particular issue  in our marriage for several years. I prayed, cried, fasted and expressed  my heart openly. As a “last resort” I called a dear couple friend of  ours and the husband strategically intervened in our situation. When I  heard this powerful man of faith speak into my husband’s heart, I wept.  My husband changed right before my eyes. This man laid out a plan of  accountability for my husband. For the next several weeks he challenged  my husband, led by example and with tough love. Lasting, tangible change  in my marriage followed almost immediately! My man needed another man  to validate, affirm and guide him back to truth. As his wife, I could  not _lead him_. It took the _power and strength_ of another man to do this.
*“Every time you raise a loving, wise, and responsible  man, you have created a better world for women. Women today are having  to bond with half-men, boys not fully raised into manhood, they don’t  know what their responsibilities are, and don’t have a strong sense of  service. Today’s father’s have an opportunity to change that.”* -  Dr. Michael Gurian

*Women must choose wisely. *
 Please choose your mate wisely. You would do better  to ask about his relationship to his father than to ask “where he  works?” or “what he drives?” If a man felt loved by his father and  learned to respect his father’s authority, he is more likely to make a  good mate. If you chose a man who has not had his soul healed through  his relationship with his Creator, and other male influences, prepare  for a harder journey. Loving on this level is challenging, it is NOT for  the quitters or faint at heart.  God can restore a Fatherless man to  wholeness, greatness and truth. One man restored can reach back and  restore a thousand other men. Bless you sister as you seek wisdom. I  pray for your courage and understanding as you love, affirm and stand by  your man.


----------



## DarkHair (Dec 29, 2011)

My dh's father wasnt around, but he was raised by his grandfather. We are expecting our first child, and he vows that our son will have a better childhood than him. The stories that he's told me are heartwrenching. His mom would have her 'male friends' have talks with him about girls, school, etc. This happened after he was 20 when we met. I look forward to his parenting. 

He's been an okay husband, but I can tell a male figure is greatly missing from the equation.

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S via LHCF app


----------



## Mis007 (Dec 29, 2011)

This is good Op, thanks


----------



## SummerSolstice (Dec 29, 2011)

My dad was without his father as well. He has been such an inspiration to me... as I watch his friends fall to temptation, he has kept our family strong simply by going by the Word. I don't agree with everything he does but he truly is an example. I hope in the future my boyfriend will look to him rather than his dad, even if me and him don't work out.


----------



## aribell (Dec 29, 2011)

That's a really good article.  When the subject has come up in other threads around here I've defended fatherless men.  Yet a couple more experiences have helped me to see that even if a man is outwardly together, there can be "something" missing when he doesn't have a strong male figure to look up to and from whom he received affirmation.   

The point about asking about his job or his education is so on point.  Not that those are insignificant--they are--but a man's resume tells you of what value he is to an employer, not to a family.

In the future I will definitely be closely examining his relationship with significant male role models and how Christ has transformed his understanding of masculinity.

There's also this new "trend" of men who are super devoted to their kids, but not their "baby mamas" or wives.  How a man saw his mother treated is also vitally important.


----------



## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Dec 29, 2011)

There are many fatherless men and women out there longing for a father's love for his touch, affirmation, validation ...all of that and more can be found in Christ....

Like many others I grew up without a father searched for love, touch, validation in men and didn't find it, I didn't know what to expect or want because nobody told me showed me taught me ...

After years of being saved I heard a sermon that opened my eyes to what I had been searching for, what a revelation that I never knew what is what and in all my searchings never experience it, my mind needed to be re-trained from all my false expectations, healing definitely needed to take place and then I asked God to 'show' me what a father's love his let me 'feel' what it feels like to be loved by a father...and HE showed me that all my needs and desires could be met in Him...

From time to time I still ask to be held or touch by Daddy and He never fails some times it may be  through someone in church who will come to me out of the blue and give me a hug and kiss and say something to me that Father has layed on their hearts or just a warm feeling of contentment  ...

All that we need IS in him, when we recognize and allow the healing to take place and allow the Holy Spirit to train or retrain us, we can be better lovers...lovers of ourselves, spouses, children and fellow man...


----------



## Prudent1 (Dec 30, 2011)

OP, thanks so much for sharing this. It is so true. I am weary IRL of all the 'we don't need no man around here', or those mom's who want little boys to sit down and play quietly (behaviour more inherent to a girl) or else. Instead of _choosing wisely_ from the beginning of the relationship and practicing some delayed gratification. What could I have done with that info in my 20s?  I have loved and married fatherless men (including those who had a physical and fiscal dad there but not an emotional or spiritual head present-diff circumstances, same damage-IMHO). It has not been easy **insert broken heart gif here**. Oh well, you live and you learn.


Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> *There are many fatherless men and women out there longing for a father's love for his touch, affirmation, validation ...all of that and more can be found in Christ....*
> 
> From time to time I still ask to be held or touch by Daddy and *He never fails* some times it may be through someone in church who will come to me out of the blue and give me a hug and kiss and say something to me that Father has layed on their hearts or just a warm feeling of contentment ...
> 
> ...


 ^^^ ITA with everything you said but especially the bolded. I've had the latter happen several times. I am such a hugger IRL. He knows and sent ppl when I have needed it the most. He is so good to me!


----------



## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Dec 30, 2011)

exactly right, he uses 'us' those who are willing and obedient and who 'know' his voice...



Prudent1 said:


> OP, thanks so much for sharing this. It is so true. I am weary IRL of all the 'we don't need no man around here', or those mom's who want little boys to sit down and play quietly (behaviour more inherent to a girl) or else. Instead of _choosing wisely_ from the beginning of the relationship and practicing some delayed gratification. What could I have done with that info in my 20s? I have loved and married fatherless men (including those who had a physical and fiscal dad there but not an emotional or spiritual head present-diff circumstances, same damage-IMHO). It has not been easy **insert broken heart gif here**. Oh well, you live and you learn.
> 
> ^^^ ITA with everything you said but especially the bolded. I've had the latter happen several times. I am such a hugger IRL. *He knows and sent ppl when I have needed it the most*. He is so good to me!


----------

