# No Sex till marriage....okay, what about sexual compatibility?



## kisz4tj (Apr 29, 2005)

.......................................................


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## sprungonhairboards (Apr 29, 2005)

Just curious, would you have still married him if you had tested the waters and found out it wasn't good?


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## MomofThreeBoys (Apr 29, 2005)

If two people truly love each, they will want to satisfy each other sexually. I have never heard of these sexual problems b/w couples who are 100% giving and loving to each other. Me and DH were akward at first, but he was willing to do and try anything to please me sexually. And I the same. Did your husband try to do things that pleased YOU sexually and not just himself?

re:the girl that got married who is misearble sexually
Same issue applies. Is her husband a God-fearing loving and giving man? Also, I find sometimes, due to poor information, women come to the marriage with hangups which affects their sexual experiece (i.e. mom says she never liked it, sex is more pleasurable for a man, its painful, its a chore, etc.). These hangups are not the husband's fault.

ETA: Either God is able or He's not. If this is the man God chose for you, and you went into this marriage prayed up, then you know everything will work out. When you get married outside the will of God, you are asking for trouble.


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## PrettyBrownEyes (Apr 29, 2005)

I believe this is where your faith and trust in God comes in.  God's word does not say to try anyone but him (God).  He doesn't want us playing house (living together prior to marriage) to see how that will work and not having sex to see if you are compatible.

When you meet a man and it gets to the point where you think of marriage then as you pray to God regarding the possibility mention to God also your desire to have a wonderful sex life with your husband.  God's Word says to cast all our cares on him.  Nothing is too small.  We can ask for those desires to be met.  God hates fornication and just because you try it out first and its great at the time doesn't mean it always will be.

Trust God.


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## Supergirl (Apr 29, 2005)

I believe that if we honor God by waiting, He in turn will bless us for our faithfulness in Him and obedience.  In other words, I don't think He would give us a horrible sex life after we did the right thing and waited 'til marriage.


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## Sweet C (Apr 29, 2005)

If the man you married is who God has for you and you honor God by waiting, then you can work on any problem by you both taking it to the Lord in prayer. The problem with the term sexual compatibility is that it is purely basing how well two people perform sexually. And in marriage, sex is not merely an act, but a part of worshipping God. This is also like any other communication is key. You and your husband have to be able to communicate to each other your likes, dislikes, things you want to try, etc. freely and willing to try and please each other more than yourself. 

Me and DH didn't engage in premarital sex and we fully enjoy those priviliges now  . We had utilized our pre-marital time learning how to communicate in general, so when it came to the bedroom, we took those communication skills that we honed in on b/f marriage right in with us. 

You say you tested the waters with your previous hubby, felt guilty that it wasn't that great, and still got married? Could it be that the combination of the lack of information and the guiltiness from previous acts b/f marriage made your sexual experience with your husband even worse than it was before you got married?  Bottom line is when you and your partner make a commmitment to do things God's way and put him first, everything else will fall into place.


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## sprungonhairboards (Apr 29, 2005)

kisz4tj said:
			
		

> Well I did test the waters.  But because we both knew it was wrong we weren't totally uninhibited and we always felt guilty.  Basically I couldn't gauge how our sex life would be based on our pre-marital experience together.  I mean even on our wedding night...I was thinking God do I have to???  Part of that was it hard for my brain to understand that it was okay.  The guilt stayed with me on our entire honeymoon.
> 
> To answer the question if I had found out that I didn't enjoy it I would not have married him.



Gotcha.
Now, not to be all up in your business but hey you put it out there    Why do you think you have great sex now but experienced guilt with your husband? It seems you would feel even more guilt now since you are also committing adultry (forgive me if I'm wrong I think you said you were separated not divorced). I'm just trying to draw a correlation between the guilt and the physical dissatisfaction.

And do you think your husband was the man God led you to marry? Or was he who YOU chose? I ask because you said you wouldn't have married him had you known you wouldn't enjoy sex with him. So sex must be important to you (I ain't mad at cha either!). I can't see God putting us in situations especially permanent ones i.e. marriage, where we will be miserable and incompatible. That HAD to suck. Especially since you're not supposed to have sex with anyone else, ever.


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## Sweet C (Apr 29, 2005)

Ok, maybe I misunderstood what you were saying. So are saying is that it was great until you got married? What did you expect your sexual life to be once you got married compared to before you got married?


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## vevster (Apr 29, 2005)

kisz4tj said:
			
		

> Well I did test the waters.  But because we both knew it was wrong we weren't totally uninhibited and we always felt guilty.  Basically I couldn't gauge how our sex life would be based on our pre-marital experience together.  I mean even on our wedding night...I was thinking God do I have to???  Part of that was it hard for my brain to understand that it was okay.  The guilt stayed with me on our entire honeymoon.
> 
> To answer the question if I had found out that I didn't enjoy it I would not have married him.




If you weren't hampred w/ guilt and oppression you could have had more of a clear head in determining if your husband was the right man for you.  I hate the way the church oppresses women with the virgin thing. The pressure is not really on MEN to be virgins.


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## MomofThreeBoys (Apr 29, 2005)

Was this the only area where you guys were have problems?  Many times, unhappiness in other areas of a relationship affects the the sex life.



			
				kisz4tj said:
			
		

> He was never selfish always very giving and desiring to please.


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## Bklynqueen (Apr 29, 2005)

I'm probably gonna get chewed out here, but I am not married  (yet) and have been with my boyfriend of 3 years and I would never, never, get married to someone I was not sexually compatiable with.  In my opinion, that is a serious mistake waiting to happen.  My current relationship, Thank God is not like that.  My last relationship, which last 4 1/2 years, we were not sexually compatiable and it was frustrating and unsatisfying. I was very often left wanting... Why I stayed with him so long?  Well, I loved that fool- see I was a good girlfriend! LOL.  But after we broke up, I took care not to make that mistake again, life was too short to be that unsatisfied.  I made sure with my current boyfriend, that if I did not even like the way he kissed, it would go no further.  And we discussed sexual relations prior to us having relations and found that were both open-minded and liked the same things- we were evenly "yoked" when it came to that! LOL.

I was asked once how important sex is in a relationship and marriage; well for me, the sex is 50 %, good communication, compromise , respect and understanding is the other 50%.  No disrespect for those saving themselves before marriage but I would seriously kick myself if I waited so long and then waited to dtd in my marriage bed only to be left like , "Damn, i could have had a V-8...."

With that said, I'm out! *****running out of thread******


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## sprungonhairboards (Apr 29, 2005)

kisz4tj said:
			
		

> I would just like for us to be real.  The reward is worth it but this christian walk is not polly-annish.




Girl ain't THAT the truth  
When I got saved I thought it was going to be a walk in the park, all the bad stuff I did I suddenly wouldn't want to do anymore and all my fleshly desires and sinful ways would be left behind in that baptismal pool. HA! The devil attacked even harder! I thought they didn't do it right and was mad at the church for a minute    til I grew and recognized the real deal!


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## Sweet C (Apr 29, 2005)

kisz4tj said:
			
		

> I would just like for us to be real. The reward is worth it but this christian walk is not polly-annish.


 
You got that right! But I know that God is able to exceedingly and abundantly above all that you can ask or think, but it takes work on our part. We must operate inside of God's Word, and expect his results.


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## sprungonhairboards (Apr 29, 2005)

Sweet C said:
			
		

> You got that right! But I know that God is able to exceedingly and abundantly above all that you can ask or think, but it takes work on our part. We must operate inside of God's Word, and expect *his results*.



Exactly! But when we have our own expectations and desires I think that's when we try to fit God into OUR world and get him to deliver OUR results.

...just speaking in general not necessarily in relation to this thread.


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## blessedangil03 (Apr 29, 2005)

We studied sex a couple of weeks ago in my abnormal psychology class and I've learned that some people have sexual disorders. Sometimes its not that their relationship is bad or that the partner doesn't want to please them but it could be that they were traumatized as a child or there is a dysfunction in their organs.


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## Sweet C (Apr 29, 2005)

sprungonhairboards said:
			
		

> Exactly! But when we have our own expectations and desires I think that's when we try to fit God into OUR world and get him to deliver OUR results.
> 
> ...just speaking in general not necessarily in relation to this thread.


 
This is what I am dealing with right now leaning to his will, and not mine as far as my future career path. Lord, we all got work to do, but to him be the glory!


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## Honeyhips (Apr 29, 2005)

This is how I feel. I totally trust God taht he will send me someone compatible in this area.  How can I not when I trust him for everything else. OR do I not trust God.  Plus, practice makes perfect.  


			
				Supergirl said:
			
		

> I believe that if we honor God by waiting, He in turn will bless us for our faithfulness in Him and obedience. In other words, I don't think He would give us a horrible sex life after we did the right thing and waited 'til marriage.


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## aquarian1252004 (Apr 29, 2005)

It’s funny that you mention this subject because I had the very same complex with God when it came to "waiting" for a husband. I feel like I have a very high sex drive for a woman (its almost like a man's).  Anyhoo, when I talked to my future hubby about this who at the time was just my friend (we hadn't even considered the possibility of a relationship) but we were having a friendly discussion about celibacy. I told him that there was just no way I could not "sample" the goods before marriage because what if that person is just straight WACK. His response was don't you think that when God creates your mate for you that He will make him compatible to you in ALL areas . Anyway, when we did start a relationship there was a time when we slipped up in this area. GOOD LORDY WHEW  the sex almost made my head pop off . Anyway, the point IS  that if I knew then, what I know now I would have waited until marriage because every guy I was with before him was totally WACK and not even worth giving my body to. I can just imagine how awesome our sex life will be when we finally get to do it God's way  . Now like you I have an entirely different problem, I wish I never discovered it was that darn good before the appointed time .


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## locabouthair (Apr 29, 2005)

Honeyhips said:
			
		

> This is how I feel. I totally trust God taht he will send me someone compatible in this area.  How can I not when I trust him for everything else. OR do I not trust God.  Plus, practice makes perfect.



That's exactly how I feel.


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## JuJuBoo (Apr 29, 2005)

Honeyhips said:
			
		

> This is how I feel. I totally trust God taht he will send me someone compatible in this area.  How can I not when I trust him for everything else. OR do I not trust God. * Plus, practice makes perfect. *




 OKAAAY!! Shoot...we have the rest of our lives to practice! I'll buy some books if I have to. We gonna MAKE it work!


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## locabouthair (Apr 29, 2005)

JuJuBoo said:
			
		

> OKAAAY!! Shoot...we have the rest of our lives to practice! I'll buy some books if I have to. We gonna MAKE it work!



Lol That's what I'm talking about!!


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## locabouthair (Apr 29, 2005)

JuJuBoo said:
			
		

> OKAAAY!! Shoot...we have the rest of our lives to practice! I'll buy some books if I have to. We gonna MAKE it work!



Lol That's what I'm talking about!!


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## vevster (Apr 29, 2005)

I hope no one on this thread gets disappointed!


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## Honeyhips (Apr 29, 2005)

I feel you... Plus there just isn't any compromise in this issue.  If that was the case the week before and after my cycle it would be ON!!!  Like Aquarian said, if God is going to send you someone compatible for you in all areas, that is going to be on point. Of course if you are a virgin it isn't going to be fun at first. Don't think I've heard anyone say it was fantastic their first time. Most people walk away with, is that all? 





			
				JuJuBoo said:
			
		

> OKAAAY!! Shoot...we have the rest of our lives to practice! I'll buy some books if I have to. We gonna MAKE it work!


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## JuJuBoo (Apr 30, 2005)

vevster said:
			
		

> I hope no one on this thread gets disappointed!



What's dissapointing is giving your heart and your body to some dude that's not worth it!


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## Koffie (Apr 30, 2005)

JuJuBoo said:
			
		

> What's dissapointing is giving your heart and your body to some dude that's not worth it!



I can attest to this.


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## AnnDriena_ (Apr 30, 2005)

Sexual compatibility is wanting and striving for the same thing in regards to your emotional and sexual intimacy. With that said. I think sex needs to be discussed up, down and to the utmost. Does he want handcuffs and whip cream and your thinking candlelight and soft jazz? Do you want fast and furious and he's thinking slow and sexy? For me the first step to my sexual compatibility with my future hubby will be to be honest about what I want and what I fear happening in the relationship and for him to do the same. Of course he could be dishonest but that would just be counterproductive for his own sexual satisfaction now wouldn't it? 
I think lots of things can be avoided if two people who aren't even looking for the same things in bed can come to a conclusion to alternate sexual styles or find a way to incorporate what they both want in a sexual relationship. Or they should seriously think about not getting married because sex is a big part of a marriage and if you can't come to the same place with that then there's going to be problems down the road and since you can see that you need to find someone else. I also think sex is not just physical and living in a world where that's all that's thrown at us is causing us a whole new set of problems. I think mainstream society has so many of us thinking that if we are not swinging from the chandeliers and having threesomes that we are not going to be satisfied. I don't really mean to be insulting to any non virgins but I also don't think a man needs to be all that well endowed because it's not like I have all these men to compare him to or that I'm that I'm so loose in down there that he needs to be grotesquesly thick to fill it up 
And I don't mean to sound naive but there's also practice. If two people love each other then that means they want to please each other. If you are communicating in your marriage like you need to be to make anything, in bed or out, work then you both should know what's not working for the other. He's too rough? Then a true lover will want to slow down and be more gentle because he knows that would turn you on and help you enjoy sex more and therefore he should be enjoying it simply because he is pleasing the woman he loves and he gets more sex when he does things like you like it. Are you not rough enough for him? He needs to tell you and you need to listen. If you are truly his lover it would kill you to rough that n*gga up a couple times a week shoot, have fun, he may find out how rough he doesn't want it .

The bottom line for me is sexual compatibility comes down to communication and willingness to please. If he comes out of the box with some freaky ish that you two never discussed before marriage then you have other problems because he wasn't willing to be honest before the marriage your bedroom problems may be the least of the trouble in your marriage.


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## Belle Du Jour (May 1, 2005)

I agree with Ann Driena.  Just because we're not supposed to have sex before marriage doesn't mean we shouldn't talk about it with our potential husband.  (Of course, there's an appropriate stage during dating/courtship to have this discussion. . .not just ANY man needs to know your sexual history and desires.)

People need to go into marriage with FULL disclosure about all areas of the marriage including sex.  Sex is a BIG deal and people should be able to share how they feel about sex with each other.  I was having this very convo with some Christian and non-christian acquaintances the other day.  If you're waiting to have sex, you want it to be the best night of your life, so why not plan for your sex life just like you plan the wedding?  Just don't get so wrapped up in the talk that you start to slip up and get physical. . .

But seriously, if you can't even talk about it with your husband-to-be, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it with him either.


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## Honeyhips (May 1, 2005)

classimami713 said:
			
		

> I agree with Ann Driena. Just because we're not supposed to have sex before marriage doesn't mean we shouldn't talk about it with our potential husband. (Of course, there's an appropriate stage during dating/courtship to have this discussion. . .not just ANY man needs to know your sexual history and desires.)
> 
> People need to go into marriage with FULL disclosure about all areas of the marriage including sex. Sex is a BIG deal and people should be able to share how they feel about sex with each other.
> But seriously, if you can't even talk about it with your husband-to-be, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it with him either.


 No one was implying this.  We just don't agree in testing the waters before hand.


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## Belle Du Jour (May 2, 2005)

Honeyhips said:
			
		

> No one was implying this.  We just don't agree in testing the waters before hand.



I never said anyone was implying this.  I was just giving my opinion in general, not in response to a specific comment.


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## Bublnbrnsuga (May 2, 2005)

AnnDriena_ said:
			
		

> Sexual compatibility is wanting and striving for the same thing in regards to your emotional and sexual intimacy. With that said. I think sex needs to be discussed up, down and to the utmost.* Does he want handcuffs and whip cream and your thinking candlelight and soft jazz? Do you want fast and furious and he's thinking slow and sexy?* For me the first step to my sexual compatibility with my future hubby will be to be honest about what I want and what I fear happening in the relationship and for him to do the same. Of course he could be dishonest but that would just be counterproductive for his own sexual satisfaction now wouldn't it?
> I think lots of things can be avoided if two people who aren't even looking for the same things in bed can come to a conclusion to alternate sexual styles or find a way to incorporate what they both want in a sexual relationship. Or they should seriously think about not getting married because sex is a big part of a marriage and if you can't come to the same place with that then there's going to be problems down the road and since you can see that you need to find someone else. I also think sex is not just physical and living in a world where that's all that's thrown at us is causing us a whole new set of problems. I think mainstream society has so many of us thinking that if we are not swinging from the chandeliers and having threesomes that we are not going to be satisfied. I don't really mean to be insulting to any non virgins but I also don't think a man needs to be all that well endowed because it's not like I have all these men to compare him to or that I'm that I'm so loose in down there that he needs to be grotesquesly thick to fill it up
> And I don't mean to sound naive but there's also practice. If two people love each other then that means they want to please each other. If you are communicating in your marriage like you need to be to make anything, in bed or out, work then you both should know what's not working for the other. He's too rough? Then a true lover will want to slow down and be more gentle because he knows that would turn you on and help you enjoy sex more and therefore he should be enjoying it simply because he is pleasing the woman he loves and he gets more sex when he does things like you like it. Are you not rough enough for him? He needs to tell you and you need to listen. If you are truly his lover it would kill you to rough that n*gga up a couple times a week shoot, have fun, he may find out how rough he doesn't want it .
> 
> The bottom line for me is sexual compatibility comes down to communication and willingness to please. If he comes out of the box with some freaky ish that you two never discussed before marriage then you have other problems because he wasn't willing to be honest before the marriage your bedroom problems may be the least of the trouble in your marriage.



ITA with you but this made me


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## sprungonhairboards (May 2, 2005)

Honeyhips said:
			
		

> Of course if you are a virgin it isn't going to be fun at first. Don't think I've heard anyone say it was fantastic their first time. Most people walk away with, is that all?



Exception to the rule here   I always seem to be the exception to that rule, I guess that's the general consensus but my first time was great. Way to young and shouldnt have been doin' it but it was with someone I was truly in love with. It was beautiful and we were together 8 years afterwards.


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## ChoclatePrincess (May 2, 2005)

Me personally I say test the water before you jump in.  My sister, who is a Christian met her husband at her church.  They never had sex before they were married.  They dated for a while, had a beautiful wedding and was looking forward to having kids.  Her husband turned out to be impotent!  Unfortunately that was just one of his issues but they are no longer together.


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## ChoclatePrincess (May 2, 2005)

Bklynqueen said:
			
		

> I'm probably gonna get chewed out here, but I am not married  (yet) and have been with my boyfriend of 3 years and I would never, never, get married to someone I was not sexually compatiable with.  In my opinion, that is a serious mistake waiting to happen.  My current relationship, Thank God is not like that.  My last relationship, which last 4 1/2 years, we were not sexually compatiable and it was frustrating and unsatisfying. I was very often left wanting... Why I stayed with him so long?  Well, I loved that fool- see I was a good girlfriend! LOL.  But after we broke up, I took care not to make that mistake again, life was too short to be that unsatisfied.  I made sure with my current boyfriend, that if I did not even like the way he kissed, it would go no further.  And we discussed sexual relations prior to us having relations and found that were both open-minded and liked the same things- we were evenly "yoked" when it came to that! LOL.
> 
> I was asked once how important sex is in a relationship and marriage; well for me, the sex is 50 %, good communication, compromise , respect and understanding is the other 50%.  No disrespect for those saving themselves before marriage but I would seriously kick myself if I waited so long and then waited to dtd in my marriage bed only to be left like , "Damn, i could have had a V-8...."
> 
> With that said, I'm out! *****running out of thread******



could have had a v-8      I feel you girl!


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## sithembile (May 2, 2005)

My first sexual experience with my ex-bf wasn't exciting, in fact I remember thinking "is that all?" But with time, communication and practice, we got to know our likes and aimed to please each other. So I'm not too worried that my future husband and I will be "incompatible", I believe if we discuss sex prior to marriage, and both have healthy and willing attitudes towards it, we can learn to satisfy each other.


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## sprungonhairboards (May 2, 2005)

ChoclatePrincess said:
			
		

> Me personally I say test the water before you jump in.  My sister, who is a Christian met her husband at her church.  They never had sex before they were married.  They dated for a while, had a beautiful wedding and was looking forward to having kids.  Her husband turned out to be impotent!  Unfortunately that was just one of his issues but they are no longer together.



See that's just wrong. But he had to know he was impotent before they got married. Men dont have to have sex to know that.


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## Honeyhips (May 2, 2005)

ChoclatePrincess said:
			
		

> Me personally I say test the water before you jump in. My sister, who is a Christian met her husband at her church. They never had sex before they were married. They dated for a while, had a beautiful wedding and was looking forward to having kids. Her husband turned out to be impotent! Unfortunately that was just one of his issues but they are no longer together.


 impotent  does not equal bad sex.  There was no way of knowing this unless they got tested for it before hand.


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## sprungonhairboards (May 3, 2005)

How could he not know?

I'm thinking here that he was not just unable to make babies but unable to get an erection. That's impotence. If a man doesnt get an erection he knows! Men get them all the time for no reason at all. If something is arousing and he doesnt get an erection trust me he knows something is wrong. And no, that doesnt make for good sex. You don't need a clinical diagnosis for that. SHE may not have known, but he knew SOMETHING was wrong.


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## Honeyhips (May 3, 2005)

Oh, I read it as he was sterile, not able to get an erection.   





			
				sprungonhairboards said:
			
		

> How could he not know?
> 
> I'm thinking here that he was not just unable to make babies but unable to get an erection. That's impotence. If a man doesnt get an erection he knows! Men get them all the time for no reason at all. If something is arousing and he doesnt get an erection trust me he knows something is wrong. And no, that doesnt make for good sex. You don't need a clinical diagnosis for that. SHE may not have known, but he knew SOMETHING was wrong.


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## melodee (May 3, 2005)

But let's say you test the waters and the man is fine, but after marriage the Lord allows him to become impotent.  So you see, testing the waters doesn't ensure that the man will be strong and verile throughout your marriage.


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## sprungonhairboards (May 3, 2005)

Honeyhips said:
			
		

> Oh, I read it as he was sterile, not able to get an erection.



Girl he may be both   
But who's trying to have kids out of wedlock just to find that out?


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## Honeyhips (May 3, 2005)

Right... which is why I was like he may not have known.  But I think he would have known if he couldn't get an erection. 





			
				sprungonhairboards said:
			
		

> Girl he may be both
> But who's trying to have kids out of wedlock just to find that out?


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## melodee (May 3, 2005)

Yeah, he probly knew that one.


But even if he was fully capable pre-marriage, there is nothing that says he'll stay that way.  And that giving it some trial runs will ensure super married sex for the rest of the relationship.  Only God can ensure a healthy sex life.  

So to condone pre-marital sex simply b/c you want to make sure he's gonna be a good lover is not the best idea.  The Lord giveth, and the Lord CAN taketh away.


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## Supergirl (May 3, 2005)

melodee said:
			
		

> Yeah, he probly knew that one.
> 
> 
> But even if he was fully capable pre-marriage, there is nothing that says he'll stay that way.  And that giving it some trial runs will ensure super married sex for the rest of the relationship.  Only God can ensure a healthy sex life.
> ...



Agreed!  If God wanted us testing it out before marriage, He would have told us that that was okay...but He hasn't.  Obviously that is not part of His plan.  His plans are higher than ours.


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## Chivara (May 3, 2005)

Bklynqueen said:
			
		

> I'm probably gonna get chewed out here, but I am not married (yet) and have been with my boyfriend of 3 years and I would never, never, get married to someone I was not sexually compatiable with. In my opinion, that is a serious mistake waiting to happen. My current relationship, Thank God is not like that. My last relationship, which last 4 1/2 years, we were not sexually compatiable and it was frustrating and unsatisfying. I was very often left wanting... Why I stayed with him so long? Well, I loved that fool- see I was a good girlfriend! LOL. But after we broke up, I took care not to make that mistake again, life was too short to be that unsatisfied. I made sure with my current boyfriend, that if I did not even like the way he kissed, it would go no further. And we discussed sexual relations prior to us having relations and found that were both open-minded and liked the same things- we were evenly "yoked" when it came to that! LOL.
> 
> I was asked once how important sex is in a relationship and marriage; well for me, the sex is 50 %, good communication, compromise , respect and understanding is the other 50%. No disrespect for those saving themselves before marriage but I would seriously kick myself if I waited so long and then waited to dtd in my marriage bed only to be left like , "Damn, i could have had a V-8...."
> 
> With that said, I'm out! *****running out of thread******


 
Girl don't run!  I am with you 100%.


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## MissMarie23 (May 3, 2005)

I agree with this.  I think that with love, trust and respect, any potential problems can be resolved.  




			
				Honeyhips said:
			
		

> This is how I feel. I totally trust God taht he will send me someone compatible in this area. How can I not when I trust him for everything else. OR do I not trust God. Plus, practice makes perfect.


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## Sweet C (May 3, 2005)

melodee said:
			
		

> Yeah, he probly knew that one.
> 
> 
> But even if he was fully capable pre-marriage, there is nothing that says he'll stay that way. And that giving it some trial runs will ensure super married sex for the rest of the relationship. Only God can ensure a healthy sex life.
> ...


 
You right about that!  I guess I never thought of it that way like with Job, he was rich, his riches were taken away, then God doubled his blessings for his trouble.  So the Lord can give and take away in anything, including sex!


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## Honeyhips (May 3, 2005)

I don't have a problem with you all's views either.  But are you two Christians? 





			
				Chivara said:
			
		

> Girl don't run!  I am with you 100%.


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## Koffie (May 4, 2005)

Honeyhips said:
			
		

> I don't have a problem with you all's views either.  But are you two Christians?


I will put in my .02 even though this question does not apply to me.

I believe that the ladies that you are addressing do not fully understand how bad fornication is in reference to the Bible. They may be saved and everything, but I don't think they have fully recieved the idea of the body being a temple and that pre-marital sex is an abomination. This is just me inferring though.  I don't know these ladies hearts.


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## Chivara (May 4, 2005)

Honeyhips said:
			
		

> I don't have a problem with you all's views either. But are you two Christians?


 
I sure am!


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## Chivara (May 4, 2005)

Koffie said:
			
		

> I will put in my .02 even though this question does not apply to me.
> 
> I believe that the ladies that you are addressing do not fully understand how bad fornication is in reference to the Bible. They may be saved and everything, but I don't think they have fully recieved the idea of the body being a temple and that pre-marital sex is an abomination. This is just me inferring though. I don't know these ladies hearts.


 
I know that fornication is a sin, but there are many others as well, and no one is perfect.  I don't live my life by what the Bible says word for word b/c that is impossible.  And in my opinion, no one does.  Just b/c you don't fornicate doesn't mean that you don't lie or committ other sins does it?  In my eyes, a sin is a sin, and therefore we are all equal in his eyes.  If there is anyone in here who dares to say that they are a Christian and committ NO sin whatsoever, please raise your hand.  I rest my case...


----------



## MomofThreeBoys (May 4, 2005)

Chivara said:
			
		

> I know that fornication is a sin, but there are many others as well, and no one is perfect.*  I don't live my life by what the Bible says word for word b/c that is impossible.* And in my opinion, no one does. Just b/c you don't fornicate doesn't mean that you don't lie or committ other sins does it? In my eyes, a sin is a sin, and therefore we are all equal in his eyes. If there is anyone in here who dares to say that they are a Christian and committ NO sin whatsoever, please raise your hand. I rest my case...



That was the whole reason Jesus walked this earth. Yes, he died to save you from the eternal death but he LIVED here for 3 1/2 years to show that we, through him, can strive to live a holy and perfect life.  The point is we have to *TRY* to be like Jesus. Yes we fall, but we can't have a defeatist attitute and say well, I know I'm going to sin so I might as well cave in on this particular sin.   We have to strive to live a holy life IN ALL THINGS. We should live our lives based on the word of God, not how we feel about something.

 "He that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him." 1 John 2:4.

"Whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all." James 2:10

"He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool." Proverbs 28:26.

All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness 2 Tim 3:16

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual [ Or reasonable] act of worship. Rom 12:1

*The point is we have to give ALL of ourselves to Christ not just some of it.  Heaven forbid one day for him to say to us:*

Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!'  Matt 7:23 

 I shudder at the thought of my loving Saviour saying this to me.


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## sithembile (May 4, 2005)

natalied said:
			
		

> That was the whole reason Jesus walked this earth. Yes, he died to save you from the eternal death but he LIVED here for 3 1/2 years to show that we, through him, can strive to live a holy and perfect life.  The point is we have to *TRY* to be like Jesus. Yes we fall, but we can't have a defeatist attitute and say well, I know I'm going to sin so I might as well cave in on this particular sin.   We have to strive to live a holy life IN ALL THINGS. We should live our lives based on the word of God, not how we feel about something.
> 
> "He that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him." 1 John 2:4.
> 
> ...



Well said.


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## Supergirl (May 4, 2005)

Chivara said:
			
		

> I know that fornication is a sin, but there are many others as well, and no one is perfect.  I don't live my life by what the Bible says word for word b/c that is impossible.  And in my opinion, no one does.  Just b/c you don't fornicate doesn't mean that you don't lie or committ other sins does it?  In my eyes, a sin is a sin, and therefore we are all equal in his eyes.  If there is anyone in here who dares to say that they are a Christian and committ NO sin whatsoever, please raise your hand.  I rest my case...



Well, this is true--none is perfect or without sin.  But should we make conscious choices and plans to sin?  As Christians I would say that we should not.  It's one thing to choose to do the right thing and then to fall.  It's another thing when you have chosen/pre-meditated the sin.   I do not think this is becoming of a woman of God.  I am not judging, but as sisters and brothers in the Lord, we should always speak the truth in love and we should offer correction when we see a need.


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## dreamgurl (May 4, 2005)

Supergirl said:
			
		

> Well, this is true--none is perfect or without sin. But should we make conscious choices and plans to sin? As Christians I would say that we should not. It's one thing to choose to do the right thing and then to fall. It's another thing when you have chosen/pre-meditated the sin. I do not think this is becoming of a woman of God. I am not judging, but as sisters and brothers in the Lord, we should always speak the truth in love and we should offer correction when we see a need.


 


I agree with this statement.


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## Koffie (May 4, 2005)

Chivara said:
			
		

> I know that fornication is a sin, but there are many others as well, and no one is perfect.  I don't live my life by what the Bible says word for word b/c that is impossible.  And in my opinion, no one does.  Just b/c you don't fornicate doesn't mean that you don't lie or committ other sins does it?  In my eyes, a sin is a sin, and therefore we are all equal in his eyes.  If there is anyone in here who dares to say that they are a Christian and committ NO sin whatsoever, please raise your hand.  I rest my case...




I am not saying that I do not sin. Yes, I do sin plenty, BUT the Bible does say that the sins I commit are outside my body and your sins are against your body which is a temple for the Holy Spirit. Your are putting your body in the way of physical harm when you sleep with a man that God has not ordained for your life (notice I said man that God ordained for your life and not Boyfriend for the time being. 

  I am not asking you for perfection, and it is none of my business what you do, BUT as your sister in Christ, I am obligated to tell you what the WORD says in reference to this thread. And no, I am not walking a path where I am fornicating, therefore I am not judging you and being a hypocrite or what have you. I am just letting you know.   I also wanted to add that I am not above being a fornicater, and I have the same flesh man that could lead me to doing the same thing you do.  I have just decided that I am much safer in Spirit.

It is your choice regardless, but I put my .02 in for you and not for me. If you choose not to recieve it then fine, that blood is on your hands.


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## Koffie (May 4, 2005)

Chivara, 

I also wanted to add that when people sin, they should not let it become an INEQUITY. Sure we all backslide, 'cause we're human, but when you are doing wrong and you KNOW its wrong, and want to make the excuse that we all sin, then you have become comfortable in your sin, which will 
stagnate(sp) your walk with Christ. Don't you want a large crown when you get to heaven?  
 Either way, be blessed


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## Chivara (May 4, 2005)

Koffie said:
			
		

> It is your choice regardless, but I put my .02 in for you and not for me. If you choose not to recieve it then fine, that blood is on your hands.


 
Okie doke! Whatever that means...but anyway I simply came in this thread and told Brklynqueen that I agreed with what she said. I didn't come in here looking for advice or guidance, just simply stated my opinion. Sorry don't need a preacher. Or your .02. Thanks anyway. 

ETA:  Thanks for reminding me why I don't come in here often.  I don't know what made me post in here anyway.


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## Koffie (May 4, 2005)

Chivara said:
			
		

> Okie doke! Whatever that means...but anyway I simply came in this thread and told Brklynqueen that I agreed with what she said. I didn't come in here looking for advice or guidance, just simply stated my opinion. Sorry don't need a preacher. Or your .02. Thanks anyway.
> 
> ETA:  Thanks for reminding me why I don't come in here often.  I don't know what made me post in here anyway.



Be Blessed  

Btw: I am not trying to make you feel uncomfortable.


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## ChoclatePrincess (May 5, 2005)

Honeyhips said:
			
		

> impotent  does not equal bad sex.  There was no way of knowing this unless they got tested for it before hand.




The impotence was just the tip of the iceberg, he had a whole bunch of other lies in deception that started to surface.  My sister was looking forward to having kids so that was a real dissappointment to her.


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## AnnDriena_ (May 5, 2005)

Being perfect is not the point of the advice and words of God stated in this thread, at least I don't see it that way. But as someone pointed out it is the full realization of your sins, yes all of them and living your life in a way as to not fall into them or blatantly indulge and permit them. Openly knowing that your defiling the temple of God (your body) and then to simply explain it away because nobodys' perfect is something that understandably shocks some people. Not shocks because they didn't know people were fornicating but shocked at the way in which the gift of salvation is being used. I can't speak for others but for myself when anyone is talking of any of their sins like it's okay because no one is perfect does upset me. Not because their life is mine but because the same savior that died on a cross for me did it for them and this is what is being done with that gift. It's just because we are talking about sexual sin that it's being talked about in this conotation but it's the same with the person who is Christian but steals from their job because the job can "afford it" so it's no big deal. Or tells a little white lie. Lies are not little and they don't have a color. 
      So I don't think people should feel  like it's just the sexual sin and casual attitude about it but the attitude about any sin when you can read a bible and know and believe how much God loves you and what he went through.
      This is a Christian Fellowship board so you should know by now what is going to be discussed and questioned when it's put out there.  And if that offends you don't put it out there. I'm not trying to be rude but it's advice I follow myself. I don't put certain things about myself of blast because I follow my own advice and keep it to myself if I don't want others .02 about it.


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## vevster (May 5, 2005)

JuJuBoo said:
			
		

> What's dissapointing is giving your heart and your body to some dude that's not worth it!



I didn't say to do that, either


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## vevster (May 5, 2005)

I would love to hear from the women 30  yo and older if they still believe the same...


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## Honeyhips (May 5, 2005)

I have a church full of them.  My mother is one.  Living for God is more important than a few minutes of pleasure. 





			
				vevster said:
			
		

> I would love to hear from the women 30 yo and older if they still believe the same...


----------



## vevster (May 5, 2005)

Honeyhips said:
			
		

> I have a church full of them.  My mother is one.  Living for God is more important than a few minutes of pleasure.



Your mother is not a virgin... sorry my bad, I didn't clarify....


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## Honeyhips (May 5, 2005)

Oh ok...  sorry.   I guess she isn't.  I do have a few women over 30 who are virgins, what is your question? 





			
				vevster said:
			
		

> Your mother is not a virgin... sorry my bad, I didn't clarify....


----------



## vevster (May 6, 2005)

Honeyhips said:
			
		

> Oh ok...  sorry.   I guess she isn't.  I do have a few women over 30 who are virgins, what is your question?



I don't have a question, I know virgins over 30 exist, I wanted  to hear directly from women that are over 30 that made a decision to wait since their twenties... 

I've noticed on this board alot of women who want to stay virginal till marriage and they are all young girls....


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## Ms Red (May 6, 2005)

Hi,

I am abstaining from sex until marriage (God give me strength). I'm 25 and no where near being engaged. Anyway, my boyfriend's mother is 45 and she has been abstaining from sex for 12 years.    She tells me that the reason is after she had her son (who is now almost 14 and the youngest), she decided to put all of her focus and effort on her children (she has 7 kids- 27, 27, 24, 23, 22, 17, 13). I think that's pretty noble.

BUT, I have noticed that she is really unhappy and wishes that she had a personal life and a companion. She focuses so much on the lives of her kids that it's like she is living through them, which IMHO isn't healthy.


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## sprungonhairboards (May 6, 2005)

I only know 1 person period who is a virgin and she happens to be in her mid 30's but not because she is such a faithful Christian, she's a good girl but I dont even think she goes to church and I've never heard her talk about God, but because she's been about 300 pds and not very attractive her whole life and nobody wanted it. That in itself is a miracle to me since even the fatest ugliest people can get laid. She just lost over 100 pds and is dying to give it up!  :eyebrows2 

Not being mean just telling the truth.


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## Kikootie (May 6, 2005)

I made the decision as a teen to remain a virgin until marriage. I married my HS sweetheart (Also a virgin) at the age of 25. We recently talked about this issue and we are both glad that we  decided to wait until marriage to have sex. Because of this, we did not have to worry about STDs, guilt, or the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy. I've seen the emotional distress that pre-marital sex can cause and I said no way. Also, I did not want to be the one to jeopardize ny husbands relationship with God and be a stumbling block for him. He felt the same way though he did not develop a strong relationship with God until we were married. I won't deny that the curiosity was there. The best thing about waiting is that we have found that our marriage is built on a deep friendship and not sex. We were friends before we were lovers. If sex was ever taken away, we will still have something in common (friendship) unlike other marriages built on sex. Another good thing is that we each feel like we gave something to one another that we did not give and now cannot give to someone else.

I also have a 25yr old and a 31 yr old sister who are both virgins. And no they are not losers. I actually think they are more attractive than me.

For those of you that desire to wait, I encourage you. There are others out there like you. It is so rewarding in the end.


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## sprungonhairboards (May 6, 2005)

Kikootie said:
			
		

> I made the decision as a teen to remain a virgin until marriage. I married my HS sweetheart (Also a virgin) at the age of 25. We recently talked about this issue and we are both glad that we  decided to wait until marriage to have sex. Because of this, we did not have to worry about STDs, guilt, or the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy. I've seen the emotional distress that pre-marital sex can cause and I said no way. Also, I did not want to be the one to jeopardize ny husbands relationship with God and be a stumbling block for him. He felt the same way though he did not develop a strong relationship with God until we were married. I won't deny that the curiosity was there. The best thing about waiting is that we have found that our marriage is built on a deep friendship and not sex. We were friends before we were lovers. If sex was ever taken away, we will still have something in common (friendship) unlike other marriages built on sex. Another good thing is that we each feel like we gave something to one another that we did not give and now cannot give to someone else.
> 
> I also have a 25yr old and a 31 yr old sister who are both virgins. And no they are not losers. I actually think they are more attractive than me.
> 
> For those of you that desire to wait, I encourage you. There are others out there like you. It is so rewarding in the end.



That's awesome. I'm jealous. You guys must come from a very strong Christian home?


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## Kikootie (May 6, 2005)

sprungonhairboards said:
			
		

> That's awesome. I'm jealous. You guys must come from a very strong Christian home?


 Not so. Growing up I went to church only on the Holidays. At age 17, I officially gave my life to God. My dad did not grow up in the church but my mom did. You just gotta make the decision to not have pre-marital sex, and stand by it. And it ain't easy.


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## sprungonhairboards (May 6, 2005)

Kikootie said:
			
		

> Not so. Growing up I went to church only on the Holidays. At age 17, I officially gave my life to God. My dad did not grow up in the church but my mom did. You just gotta make the decision to not have pre-marital sex, and stand by it. And it ain't easy.



The reason I thought it may have been a strong family influence is because all 3 of you waited/are waiting. That's uncommon in ANY family. Praise God for your victories!


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## JuJuBoo (May 6, 2005)

sprungonhairboards said:
			
		

> The reason I thought it may have been a strong family influence is because all 3 of you waited/are waiting. That's uncommon in ANY family. Praise God for your victories!




My family's like that too. My parents were virgins when they got married. Both my older sister's remained virgin's as well. All of them said it's *WAY* worth it. 

It puts the pressure on when you have a legacy like that. Being the youngest, I'd never let go of the guilt if I ever gave it up to some punk. Having a family that waited is enough to keep me waiting till marraige. I REALLY don't want to dissapoint--GOD or my FAMILY!


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## EbonyEyes (May 6, 2005)

It is interesting that this topic was posted today.  I was chillin' with my Christian roommates and their boyfriends.  One roommate (she's 24) commended my boyfriend of 4 years and I on being virgins and intending on waiting until marriage to have sex.  She says that she would like to abstain from now on until she gets married but she doesn't think she can for two reasons:

1.  She loves sex too much to start abstaining.
2.  She's concerned that she might marry someone who she is not sexually compatible with.

There were some great comments that were made by some of the ladies earlier in the thread and I want to highlight them because they are very very important points they made.

1.  Just because you wait until marriage to have sex DOES NOT automatically mean that you will have a great sex life or a great marriage.  I've heard terrible stories about women who waited until marriage to have sex only to find out that the sex was terrible and hadn't gotten better in the 20+ years they've been married.  I've heard awful stories where women were virgins until they married only for their husbands to cheat on them and give them STDs.

The reason why #1 happens to some women is because they choose to marry who THEY want to marry instead of marrying who GOD wants them to marry.

A couple of ladies have put it this way:  The minister may say "What God has joined together, let no man put asunder,"  but many times, God DID NOT put that marriage together!

2.  When you are praying for the right man to come along, also pray that you will be sexually compatible with the man you are supposed to marry.  There is not a thing wrong with praying that you and your husband have a good sex life.  God created sex after all!!  Now, the sex might not be mind-blowing at first, but if both you and your husband (the husband God wanted for you that is) stay prayed up, trust God 100%, and work hard to meet each other's sexual needs, then the good sex will come.

I don't believe God will allow you to be in a marriage with horrible sex if you do the following:

1.  Wait until marriage to have sex.
2.  Pray that God sends you the right man to marry AND actually marry him!
3.  Pray before marriage and during marriage for sexual compatibility with your mate.  
4.  Trust God 100%!

With all of this being said, I STILL do not know for sure whether my boyfriend is the one I'm supposed to marry.  I pray about it but no answer as of yet.  Then again, I could be missing the answer.  But I will not marry my boyfriend unless I've received the go-ahead by God.

Man!  Why can't God put it big letters across the sky HE IS THE MAN YOU ARE TO MARRY...GO FOR IT!  That would be so awesome!!! *LOL

I hope this post helps!

Ebony


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## sprungonhairboards (May 6, 2005)

EbonyEyes said:
			
		

> Man!  Why can't God put it big letters across the sky HE IS THE MAN YOU ARE TO MARRY...GO FOR IT!  That would be so awesome!!! *LOL
> 
> 
> Ebony



Girllllll, would save alot of time and heartache wouldn't it


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## Vintagecoilylocks (May 6, 2005)

Ebony eyes that was interesting what you said.   I know a lady who was being pestered by family and friends to do this and that with her life.  There was also that one young man every one said was the one.  She said she prayed alot fro his will to be done.  Even after disappointing her parents she prayed.  One day when she was in church one afternoon praying she heard someone say clearly "David"  She said it was clear as a bell.  One year later she met an Hungarian immigrant who had recently made it to America.  His last name was David.  Through many good and bad times, separation for work and family difficulty she never waviered in her marriage.  She said this was him and they both worked hard to make the marriage work.  After over 50 years they are still like a new young couple.  

    Now I don't think she would be able to say that every aspect of her marriage was rosy and perfect.  What ever difficulties they had they dealt with it but divorce was not a solution or means to try again.  She said they just tried again but with each other.


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## sprungonhairboards (May 6, 2005)

Vintagecoilylocks said:
			
		

> She said they just tried again but with each other.



Why do I think that is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard??? (wiping away a single tear)


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## EbonyEyes (May 6, 2005)

sprungonhairboards said:
			
		

> Why do I think that is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard??? (wiping away a single tear)



Girl...I'm with you.  I'ma tell my mommy about that quote!

-Ebony


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## qtgirl (May 11, 2005)

If you're a virgin; how do you know what you want?



			
				AnnDriena_ said:
			
		

> Sexual compatibility is wanting and striving for the same thing in regards to your emotional and sexual intimacy. With that said. I think sex needs to be discussed up, down and to the utmost. Does he want handcuffs and whip cream and your thinking candlelight and soft jazz? Do you want fast and furious and he's thinking slow and sexy? For me the first step to my sexual compatibility with my future hubby will be to be honest about what I want and what I fear happening in the relationship and for him to do the same. Of course he could be dishonest but that would just be counterproductive for his own sexual satisfaction now wouldn't it?
> I think lots of things can be avoided if two people who aren't even looking for the same things in bed can come to a conclusion to alternate sexual styles or find a way to incorporate what they both want in a sexual relationship. Or they should seriously think about not getting married because sex is a big part of a marriage and if you can't come to the same place with that then there's going to be problems down the road and since you can see that you need to find someone else. I also think sex is not just physical and living in a world where that's all that's thrown at us is causing us a whole new set of problems. I think mainstream society has so many of us thinking that if we are not swinging from the chandeliers and having threesomes that we are not going to be satisfied. I don't really mean to be insulting to any non virgins but I also don't think a man needs to be all that well endowed because it's not like I have all these men to compare him to or that I'm that I'm so loose in down there that he needs to be grotesquesly thick to fill it up
> And I don't mean to sound naive but there's also practice. If two people love each other then that means they want to please each other. If you are communicating in your marriage like you need to be to make anything, in bed or out, work then you both should know what's not working for the other. He's too rough? Then a true lover will want to slow down and be more gentle because he knows that would turn you on and help you enjoy sex more and therefore he should be enjoying it simply because he is pleasing the woman he loves and he gets more sex when he does things like you like it. Are you not rough enough for him? He needs to tell you and you need to listen. If you are truly his lover it would kill you to rough that n*gga up a couple times a week shoot, have fun, he may find out how rough he doesn't want it .
> 
> The bottom line for me is sexual compatibility comes down to communication and willingness to please. If he comes out of the box with some freaky ish that you two never discussed before marriage then you have other problems because he wasn't willing to be honest before the marriage your bedroom problems may be the least of the trouble in your marriage.


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## MomofThreeBoys (May 12, 2005)

You try different things.  Trust me, you figure it out quickly enough.  As long as a your DH is open, loving, and has a desire to please you, both of you can learn what pleases the other. 



			
				qtgirl said:
			
		

> If you're a virgin; how do you know what you want?


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## Honeyhips (May 12, 2005)

I don't think they were asking as in after the wedding night, but before hand during counseling.  If you are a virgin, how do you discuss sex with your future mate. HOw do you even know you like it fast, slow, hard, whip cream, chains, and etc... You should not have any experience to go by. 





			
				natalied said:
			
		

> You try different things. Trust me, you figure it out quickly enough. As long as a your DH is open, loving, and has a desire to please you, both of you can learn what pleases the other.


----------



## Kikootie (May 12, 2005)

It was very well said by AnnDriena. Just think, my husband and myself were both virgins before marriage and we do just fine in this department. We bought a book to look at things we might want to try but we never really used it. If you are open with your partner, it will come   In talking with my pastor, he says sometimes you gotta tell the other person if you like what they are doing or not. You may have to actually take their hand and place it where you want it. This is supposed to be your life partner so you can't be ashamed to tell them what you want or ask them what they like. Just do it.


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## AnnDriena_ (May 13, 2005)

I understand what you are saying honeyhips, you don't know what you like. But for me I know what turns me on and what I like the _idea_ of doing, youu know something you never really tried but it sounds fun . I just go from there. Try it whatever way you think you might like and if it's not what you thought it would be, that's okay, you have a whole lifetime with this person to figure it out.


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## Poohbear (May 18, 2005)

To me, sexual compatibility should not matter when it comes to the man who you will have an commitment with and love forever. 

God wants sex to be motivated by love and commitment, not lust. It is for mutual pleasure, not selfish enjoyment.

Because love is such a powerful expression of feeling and commitment between two people, it is not to be regarded casually. We are not to manipulate others into loving us, and love should not be prematurely encouraged in a relationship.

The power of love requires more than the language of feeling to protect. it. *Sexual expression is such an integral part of our selfhood that we need the boundary of marriage to safeguard our love.* Marriage is the celebration of daily commitment to the two lovers. 

While romance keeps a marriage interesting, commitment keeps romance from dwindling away. The decision to commit yourself to your spouse alone actually begins at the marriage altar. It must be maintained day by day.

Also keep in mind that the beauty that you see in your lover should not be limited to physical beauty; beautiful personality and moral purity should also be praised.* When it comes to finding someone you are compatible with, look for qualities that don't fade with time--spiritual commitment, integrity, sensitivity, and sincerity. *


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## MomofThreeBoys (May 18, 2005)

I'm married ten years and I thought her statement was well written and on point.



			
				kisz4tj said:
			
		

> Respectfully this is from a woman who is a virgin and has never been married.


----------



## Sweet C (May 18, 2005)

Poohbear said:
			
		

> To me, sexual compatibility should not matter when it comes to the man who you will have an commitment with and love forever.
> 
> God wants sex to be motivated by love and commitment, not lust. It is for mutual pleasure, not selfish enjoyment.
> 
> ...


 
This is beautiful.  Oftentimes, when you take that vow of I will love you for better or worse, sometimes we neglect the fact that the worse can and will happen.  And when it does, what do you do?  Continue to put your trust in the Lord, b/c he is the ultimate healer and provider.


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## sprungonhairboards (May 19, 2005)

kisz4tj said:
			
		

> Respectfully this is from a woman who is a virgin and has never been married.



It does drip with sugary blindfolded naivete'   
Or maybe I'm just too jaded for my own good   
But still beautiful   
Love ya Pooh


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## kisz4tj (May 19, 2005)

natalied said:
			
		

> I'm married ten years and I thought her statement was well written and on point.


I thought it was well written also....accurate  Romance novels are well written doesn't mean they are actually realistic.


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## EbonyEyes (May 19, 2005)

Poohbear said:
			
		

> To me, sexual compatibility should not matter when it comes to the man who you will have an commitment with and love forever.
> 
> God wants sex to be motivated by love and commitment, not lust. It is for mutual pleasure, not selfish enjoyment.
> 
> ...



Poohbear....

This has to be, one of the most *beautiful* things I have ever read!  Especially the parts you bolded!  So well written!!

-Ebony


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## Poohbear (May 20, 2005)

[QUOTE*=*kisz4tj]
_Respectfully this is from a woman who is a virgin and has never been married._ [/QUOTE]

So does that make my post less credible for this thread? Well, I hope it helped or contributed to your thread in some kind of way. 




			
				sprungonhairboards said:
			
		

> It does drip with sugary blindfolded naivete'
> Or maybe I'm just too jaded for my own good
> But still beautiful
> Love ya Pooh


Not naive at all...maybe more like well-informed before conforming to what this world has to offer and what this world says about compatibility qualities to look for in a mate. I read what the other ladies who are nonvirgins, married, etc. had to say and how unrealistic my post may sound. But it could still help ladies whether they are virgins or not to look for what God says is important when it comes to sex and marriage. Luv ya' too.

Thanks natalied, Sweet_C, EbonyEyes, and melodee.


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## melodee (May 20, 2005)

Poohbear said:
			
		

> So does that make my post less credible for this thread? Well, I hope it helped or contributed to your thread in some kind of way.


 
I think your post was wonderfully explained.  I am a married, non virgin, and I agree wholeheartedly!


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## Poohbear (May 20, 2005)

kisz4tj said:
			
		

> Pooh its beautiful...it really really is.


okie dokie. i hope everything works out for you and your husband! be careful with this new guy you're seeing. be blessed!


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## EbonynIvory (May 22, 2005)

Amen. I agree with you 100%. If a marriage is ordained by God, he will ordain even the sexual relationship between a husband and a wife. Even though my husband and I didn't wait until we were married to "test the waters", I still prayed that just as we are compatible in our marital relationship, that God will make us compatible in our sexual relationship. It's a relationship where one isn't being pleased and the other one is miserable. We talk about our relationship, our wants, needs, likes and dislikes. If you can't talk about what you need in your sexual relationship with your husband, then you need to pray that God give you boldness because your husband might not know that you have a certain desire.



			
				PrettyBrownEyes said:
			
		

> I believe this is where your faith and trust in God comes in. God's word does not say to try anyone but him (God). He doesn't want us playing house (living together prior to marriage) to see how that will work and not having sex to see if you are compatible.
> 
> When you meet a man and it gets to the point where you think of marriage then as you pray to God regarding the possibility mention to God also your desire to have a wonderful sex life with your husband. God's Word says to cast all our cares on him. Nothing is too small. We can ask for those desires to be met. God hates fornication and just because you try it out first and its great at the time doesn't mean it always will be.
> 
> Trust God.


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## czyfaith77 (Jul 10, 2005)

Sweet C said:
			
		

> If the man you married is who God has for you and you honor God by waiting, then you can work on any problem by you both taking it to the Lord in prayer. The problem with the term sexual compatibility is that it is purely basing how well two people perform sexually. And in marriage, sex is not merely an act, but a part of worshipping God. This is also like any other communication is key. You and your husband have to be able to communicate to each other your likes, dislikes, things you want to try, etc. freely and willing to try and please each other more than yourself.
> 
> Me and DH didn't engage in premarital sex and we fully enjoy those priviliges now  . We had utilized our pre-marital time learning how to communicate in general, so when it came to the bedroom, we took those communication skills that we honed in on b/f marriage right in with us.
> 
> You say you tested the waters with your previous hubby, felt guilty that it wasn't that great, and still got married? Could it be that the combination of the lack of information and the guiltiness from previous acts b/f marriage made your sexual experience with your husband even worse than it was before you got married? Bottom line is when you and your partner make a commmitment to do things God's way and put him first, everything else will fall into place.


 
I second that...

Furthermore, Sweet C I appreciate your testimony cause I am waiting and I will remain waiting until God brings exactly what He wants for me.  I have been down the other road several years ago and I will absolutely not go there anymore!  It's not worth it...


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## lisajames96 (Jul 12, 2005)

I wish I had waited until we were married....
When we got married I did lose my desire for my husband unless I was really aroused. We went through this for almost 5 years. And I prayed and wondered what was wrong with me. Thank God my husband didn't leave me(not that he probably didn't want to), but I can't say I figured it out, or some positive talk from friends or an atricle "fixed" me...It was the Lord. The Lord answered my *husbands* prayers for my relationship with him. I was pretty selfish about my feelings in the sex department. I wondered why he always got pleasure during sex and I didn't, or around the house why he wouldn't do this or that. These things rooted in my mind and that is what turned my desire away from him. Seemed simple to pinpoint, but hindsight is 20/20. Most people(good friends) will never tell wives the truth and that is we may go through times in our marriage where we don't feel pleased or appreciated, whether that in bed or not. But it is about committment and duty as a wife to honor *God* regardless of your surface feelings toward your husband, and He will honor you. When I was coming out of that selfish phase, I still had no desire for my husband, but I did it anyway. My heart was touch for compassion for my husband. ANd soon, I found myself thinking about him at work and when I was shopping and when I was enjoying free time. It was shocking to me at first...But I will say that when that desire I had for him came back, it was just like when we first met   . And going strong... God Bless.


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## kisz4tj (Jul 16, 2005)

Lisa I appreciate your testimony.


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## shunemite (Jul 20, 2005)

I think this is a very good post with a valid question that we all tend to wonder. After having read all these posts, my 2 cents is that I actually know of more circumstances where waiting paid off. My family for one, in my parents' marriage, and my brother's. In both marriages, all parties were virigns when they married and they've never regreted it. To quote my sister in law after having her first baby, "you know those women who don't want to have sex with their husbands right after the baby's born? I don't relate to them!"

As far as compatibility, I honestly think that you can tell if you're attracted to someone before you get married without having sex. I think that the flip side of trying out several partners sexually until you find the right one is riskier.

To the lady that started this thread, I think you and your husband probably had other mismatched areas personality-wise before you got married that you didn't notice. I've read in one Dr. James Dobson's books that it's common to have electrical feelings with a brand new partner in an affair, but it does get old after a while. You may later on see his faults and believe it or not, sexual attraction to him may fade. I think the bottom line is that you are struggling with a means of moral justification for having sex with someone other than your husband.


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## kisz4tj (Jul 20, 2005)

LADY...lemme explain something to you.  You had me up until the whole "I think you're struggling with yada yada yada blah blah blah"  You are mistaken...I don't have to morally justify ANYTHING to anyone except God.  You say you read the posts...obviously YOU did not read mine very well or else it would have been impossible to come to that conclusion.  Was I trying to morally justify something when my husband was miserable???  Don't answer...it doesn't matter what you think.





			
				shunemite said:
			
		

> I think this is a very good post with a valid question that we all tend to wonder. After having read all these posts, my 2 cents is that I actually know of more circumstances where waiting paid off. My family for one, in my parents' marriage, and my brother's. In both marriages, all parties were virigns when they married and they've never regreted it. To quote my sister in law after having her first baby, "you know those women who don't want to have sex with their husbands right after the baby's born? I don't relate to them!"
> 
> As far as compatibility, I honestly think that you can tell if you're attracted to someone before you get married without having sex. I think that the flip side of trying out several partners sexually until you find the right one is riskier.
> 
> To the lady that started this thread, I think you and your husband probably had other mismatched areas personality-wise before you got married that you didn't notice. I've read in one Dr. James Dobson's books that it's common to have electrical feelings with a brand new partner in an affair, but it does get old after a while. You may later on see his faults and believe it or not, sexual attraction to him may fade. I think the bottom line is that you are struggling with a means of moral justification for having sex with someone other than your husband.


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## shunemite (Jul 20, 2005)

I didn't mean to offend you. I think I offended you because I don't agree with your decision. And you are right, what I think doesn't matter. Of course you are only answerable to God. I think your reaction to your marriage situation is very understandable, but it is still wrong. Here is some of your original post.



			
				kisz4tj said:
			
		

> I know what scripture says regarding fornication.  This has been my experience.  My husband and I had a sex life that was not great.  I didn't enjoy it much .....
> 
> We have been separated since September because he stepped out on me.  I've been seeing someone new for awhile now. We have sex and I LOVE IT!!!!  I know its not right.


 This is why I said it seems like you're looking for a justification for your affair, because you said you're doing something that you know is not right. 

I'm human and I make mistakes too, and when I do make mistakes it's good for me when someone chastens me and puts me back on the right path. As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. The bible does say that when our bodies are a temples of the holy spirit, and when we commit sexual sins, we sin against our own bodies.

The point that I'm trying to convey is that even though as humans we rationalize our actions like Eve did in the garden with the serpent, we're still wrong. Stepping outside of marriage for sexual gratification may be exciting at first, but the long term effects are downhill. I do believe that waiting 'til marriage is the right thing to do, and God rewards that unpopular decision. So I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. There is a road that seems right to man but ends in death and destruction.


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## kisz4tj (Jul 20, 2005)

shunemite said:
			
		

> *Stepping outside of marriage for sexual gratification may be exciting at first, but the long term effects are downhill.* I do believe that waiting 'til marriage is the right thing to do, and God rewards that unpopular decision. So I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. There is a road that seems right to man but ends in death and destruction.


Again it's not a justification...Anyone here justifying what I'm doing would make it no more wrong or right.  Yes I am offended.  Exactly what decision do you think we disagree on????????  What decision have I made????  

Me having another relationship was only highlighted to provide a *contrast* in my sexual experience.  This thread does not go into detail abt my relationship because its irrelevant to the thread other than providing a contrast.

I'd like to take a moment to get some facts straight...I DID NOT step outside of my marriage for sexual gratification.  This resulted when my husband decided to forsake the covenant for his own reasons.

In fact this thread isn't me saying that I'm right and everyone who chooses to wait is wrong.  This subject is here simply to highlight some of the issues that real marriages face, and to get feedback on whether others have experienced the same thing and or get solutions.  You read what you read and decided to fabricate your own story....and then create your own ending.  If that floats your boat...fine  just don't use my life as a guinea pig.  BTW, be careful you might catch a nosebleed up there.


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## shunemite (Jul 20, 2005)

Okay I'm going to leave this alone. You're getting angrier and angrier. There is no fabrication here; just interpretations of your own words. I still don't agree with you.


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## kisz4tj (Jul 20, 2005)

Things are often lost in interpretation, its called mis-interpretation....buh bye


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## webby (Jul 20, 2005)

shunemite said:
			
		

> To the lady that started this thread, *I* *think *you and your husband probably had other mismatched areas personality-wise before you got married that you didn't notice. *I've read *in one Dr. James Dobson's books that it's common to have electrical feelings with a brand new partner in an affair, but it does get old after a while. You may later on see his faults and believe it or not, sexual attraction to him may fade. *I think the bottom line is that you are struggling with a means of moral justification for having sex with someone other than your husband.*


Maybe it's me, but there is very little of God's Word being shared here, just _your_ thoughts. Now, you may be a licensed, certified, marriage counselor, but typically, counselors of all kinds, try to refrain from using "I" in any advice, because it's not about "them" it's about the client and the client's revelations.


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## hottopic (Jul 20, 2005)

WOW.   I am leaving this one alone..... erplexed I am a born again Christian and far from a virgin. Although, I am a virgin again in the eyes of the lord. What about people like me who knows what they are missing and have a boyfriend (3 1/2 Yrs together). We stopped having sex because I am born again, but at the same time how long can it last. This is a question I know the answer to, "until marriage." But the reality of it is things happen and not everyone’s spirits are not strong enough to fight of everything the body wants. I have to struggle everyday with withdrawals form the things I enjoyed. If I slip I know my Father (God) will forgive me, but that is between Messiah and I. Some answers aren't black and white, there is just gray. We live life in the gray area.


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## Poohbear (Jul 20, 2005)

hottopic said:
			
		

> WOW.  I am leaving this one alone..... erplexed I am a born again Christian and far from a virgin. Although, I am a virgin again in the eyes of the lord. What about people like me who knows what they are missing and have a boyfriend (3 1/2 Yrs together). We stopped having sex because I am born again, but at the same time how long can it last. This is a question I know the answer to, "until marriage." But the reality of it is things happen and not everyone’s spirits are not strong enough to fight of everything the body wants. I have to struggle everyday with withdrawals form the things I enjoyed. If I slip I know my Father (God) will forgive me, but that is between Messiah and I. Some answers aren't black and white, there is just gray. We live life in the gray area.


Good response. All Christians have struggles with certain sins.


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## shunemite (Jul 21, 2005)

webby said:
			
		

> Maybe it's me, but there is very little of God's Word being shared here, just _your_ thoughts. Now, you may be a licensed, certified, marriage counselor, but typically, counselors of all kinds, try to refrain from using "I" in any advice, because it's not about "them" it's about the client and the client's revelations.



I'm not a counselor. And I said "I think" because they're my thoughts. I don't understand all the hostility and combativeness that came from kisz4tj, but you can't get upset every time someone doesn't agree with you.


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## lovemyhair (Jul 22, 2005)

Ladies, 

We all live in the gray area.  We can't/shouldn't judge or condone someone for their actions, but rather pray for them.  

I am not perfect when it comes to this topic because I was not "pure" prior to my marriage.  I do believe in compatibility and that God will show you direction and put somoene in your path that He knows will suite you.  I have found that sometimes the compatibility has nothing to do with sex, but rather a comfort level with the person you are with.  If you communcate with him/her, then he/she will find every way to please you. Hence, we shouldn't be agreeing or disagreeing with anyone on this board.


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## Annakei (Aug 1, 2005)

hottopic said:
			
		

> WOW.   I am leaving this one alone..... erplexed I am a born again Christian and far from a virgin. Although, I am a virgin again in the eyes of the lord. What about people like me who knows what they are missing and have a boyfriend (3 1/2 Yrs together). We stopped having sex because I am born again, but at the same time how long can it last. This is a question I know the answer to, "until marriage." But the reality of it is things happen and not everyone’s spirits are not strong enough to fight of everything the body wants. I have to struggle everyday with withdrawals form the things I enjoyed. If I slip I know my Father (God) will forgive me, but that is between Messiah and I. *Some answers aren't black and white, there is just gray. We live life in the gray area*.




Totally agree with this post.  I left this debate alone because it can get deeper than this and also more hostile.  I agree with living in the GREY area because it is the REALITY of the life we live in.

DO I PERSONALLY believe that if you DO NOT have sex before marriage that things will be gravy?  NOPE!  MY pastor is a testament to this.  They didnt have sex, he shacked up with a woman PRIOR to living with this wife, his wife was the perfect Christian woman before they were married but yet and still he ended up cheating, beating her and having a drug habit.  NOW they have a WONDERFUL relationship that I truly admire.  I admire it because it isnt the cookie cutter relationship that most Christians try to portray, no sex and your married life will be grand!  BS!  Things happen and do you curse GOD if your husband cheats on when you gave your virginity to him?  Does it make you better if you chose to wait?  No it doesnt because it doesnt remove you from anything that afflict the next married couple.  Im not knocking the perfect couple who decides to wait but at the same time, just because others chose not to wait until marriage doesnt make them any less.  I think after reading some of the posts there are some that may have the holier than thou stance.  GOD FORBID you get placed in the same position as the SAME Christian woman who didnt wait (ex: husband cheated), what will you do?  

What matters is your relationship with the LOrd at the moment and his saving grace.  So many times Ive seen and heard this argument put forth in person and on line and all I can say is, to each his own.  MY relationship with GOD dictates my future, not my past.


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## MomofThreeBoys (Aug 2, 2005)

**Why is following God's commands and saying that we should follow His commands called acting Holier than thou?**

I don't believe in gray areas when it comes to God's word. We can look for all the justification we want but it doesn't change a sin from being a sin. DH and I didn't wait but I know for a fact that if we had it would have been easier on our marriage. For multiple reasons. To look at us you would never know what we went through. God sets up a standard to what is best for us. Is God all knowing or is He not? Does He have a plan for us or does He not? His commands are for OUR good.

*Hebrews 4:12 *For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

*James 1:21-23* 21Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. 22 Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. 23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror

Your example shows only how SHE was Christlike. He wasn't. What will I do if my husband cheats? Rely on God and follow His word. Shoot.....Jesus was spit at, tortured, ridiculed, laughed at, and murdered yet I expect to not go through suffering here on earth? If I truly believe in Him, I will have to trust he will bring me through any suffering here on earth and that includes a cheating husband. Through it all, I am still required to be obedient to Him.

Yes, people operate in the gray all the time but God never does. And we are to strive to be like Christ who is God. He was our example

*1 Corinthians 11**:1*Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.

The ONLY reason we are blessed when we don't follow His word is b/c of GRACE and MERCY. He blesses us in spite of ourselves. But MANY MANY times, He withholds His blessing. Should we just count on his blessing without obedience? If you love God (as the Bible says you should) do you willing go against His will and then expect a blessing?

*John 14:15 *"If you love me, you will obey what I command.

* Luke 11:28* He replied, "Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it."

Yes you will see supposedly perfect marriages fail, but if you knew what what going on you would find out what you thought was perfect was not. And let's not forget the Job experience. You can be persecuated for doing nothing wrong. Yet we are still REQUIRED to be obedient. Through Job's experience, he remained obedient. We might go through a bad marriage even if we did everything right, but we have to look for our reward in heaven. It might not come on earth.

*Matthew 5:12* Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

This is why it alway wise to operate in God's will. I can't take for granted that He will forgive me in spite of. God knows our hearts. To knowingly sin is contrary to what we as Christians are striving to be. Will someone have a perfect relationship with their spouse if they wait? Probably not. Will God reward people for following his Word and following his commands. Absolutely. It might not come on Earth, but one day......





			
				Annakei said:
			
		

> Totally agree with this post. I left this debate alone because it can get deeper than this and also more hostile. I agree with living in the GREY area because it is the REALITY of the life we live in.
> 
> DO I PERSONALLY believe that if you DO NOT have sex before marriage that things will be gravy? NOPE! MY pastor is a testament to this. They didnt have sex, he shacked up with a woman PRIOR to living with this wife, his wife was the perfect Christian woman before they were married but yet and still he ended up cheating, beating her and having a drug habit. NOW they have a WONDERFUL relationship that I truly admire. I admire it because it isnt the cookie cutter relationship that most Christians try to portray, no sex and your married life will be grand! BS! Things happen and do you curse GOD if your husband cheats on when you gave your virginity to him? Does it make you better if you chose to wait? No it doesnt because it doesnt remove you from anything that afflict the next married couple. Im not knocking the perfect couple who decides to wait but at the same time, just because others chose not to wait until marriage doesnt make them any less. I think after reading some of the posts there are some that may have the holier than thou stance. GOD FORBID you get placed in the same position as the SAME Christian woman who didnt wait (ex: husband cheated), what will you do?
> 
> What matters is your relationship with the LOrd at the moment and his saving grace. So many times Ive seen and heard this argument put forth in person and on line and all I can say is, to each his own. MY relationship with GOD dictates my future, not my past.


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## sprungonhairboards (Aug 2, 2005)

Beautifully put Natalied!


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## shunemite (Aug 3, 2005)

Thanks Natalied! You took the words right out of my mouth. I especially like James 1:21-23. I'm certainly not perfect, or holier than thou, I just like to call my sin a sin. I definately fit in the category where Paul said that God came to save sinners "of whom I am the worst". I've done wrong things in my past relationships and the best way I got past it was admitting that it was a sin. I also don't think that staying a virgin automatically gaurantees a perfect marriage, but it is the right choice and so I am proud to be a virgin. My plan is stay this way until marriage. It doesn't make me any better than anyone else.


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## locabouthair (Aug 3, 2005)

Annakei said:
			
		

> Totally agree with this post.  I left this debate alone because it can get deeper than this and also more hostile.  I agree with living in the GREY area because it is the REALITY of the life we live in.
> 
> DO I PERSONALLY believe that if you DO NOT have sex before marriage that things will be gravy?  NOPE!  MY pastor is a testament to this.  They didnt have sex, he shacked up with a woman PRIOR to living with this wife, his wife was the perfect Christian woman before they were married but yet and still he ended up cheating, beating her and having a drug habit.  NOW they have a WONDERFUL relationship that I truly admire.  I admire it because it isnt the cookie cutter relationship that most Christians try to portray, no sex and your married life will be grand!  BS!  Things happen and do you curse GOD if your husband cheats on when you gave your virginity to him? * Does it make you better if you chose to wait?  * No it doesnt because it doesnt remove you from anything that afflict the next married couple.  Im not knocking the perfect couple who decides to wait but at the same time, just because others chose not to wait until marriage doesnt make them any less.  I think after reading some of the posts there are some that may have the holier than thou stance.  GOD FORBID you get placed in the same position as the SAME Christian woman who didnt wait (ex: husband cheated), what will you do?
> 
> What matters is your relationship with the LOrd at the moment and his saving grace.  So many times Ive seen and heard this argument put forth in person and on line and all I can say is, to each his own.  MY relationship with GOD dictates my future, not my past.



sin is sin.  I do believe that sometimes people justify their sins when they know its wrong including sex before marriage. i believe if someone is justifying sex before marriage it's the same as justifying a lie when you know you shouldn't do it. everyone has their own relationship with God which I can't judge. whether you decide to wait or not there will be some obstacles in the marriage because thats just how life is. Even though I don't engage in premarital sex I still made stupid mistakes when it came to relationships. so i'm not better than anyone else.


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## Sweetyb (Aug 4, 2005)

I've been with two men in my lifetime, and I think that is too many, only because both times I wanted to wait until marriage but kept changing my mind  .

What made me change my mind?  I was _*afraid*_ of never being able to "do it" (when I was a virgin), and I felt that these men *loved *me enough that I should *trust them with my body*.  Because they saw nothing wrong with having sex (because they had many partners), *I* *convinced myself* both times that there is nothing wrong with doing it, and that it would help us "get ready" for an intimate relationship when married.  

I didn't realize that these men were ungodly and that I was giving in to my doubts and worries... and ultimately the devil  .  

I now believe that if you love God enough, you won't worry about *physical things*.  If you're married to someone, you're *married to their soul*, *not their body*.  Their body could loose a limb or two.  It can loose its sight.  It can carry diseases or loose its hair.  It can also loose its sex drive or ability to have sex or bear children.  All of these things are a reality.

I pose these questions to all of you:
*Will you divorce a person because of physical disability?* 
 *Or will you stay married to someone because of their soul?:scratchch*


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## Shimmie (Aug 10, 2006)

This is one of the questions that the 'enemy' puts out there, to doubt God's word.  Only to weaken your prize of being a woman with a stand.

This is the Key..."God is not mocked."  If He says to wait...then wait.  We need 'stop lights' in sex just as much as we do in everyday traffic.  

Running a red light is not worth the risk, because once you're out there in 'traffic', you cannot go back.  You have to move on with the the choice you've made, meaning that you have lost the beauty of the 'first time' on your wedding night.  

I'm not giving that up.  Especially since God has so lovingly given me a second chance...a new beginning that I refuse to mess up.  It means something to a man when a woman takes a stand.  No man is going to leave a woman just because she won't have sex with him.  

If a man is going to stay with you, it doesn't matter.  If he leaves, then leaving was on his agenda in the first place; he never had intentions on staying, sex or no sex.  If you've given him your virtue, he's taken something from you that was not meant for him to have. He did not earn it.  He had no rights to your gift of virtue.

Single Ladies...*Hear Me!*  You do not have to compromise to get or keep any man.  You have the power to keep him without compromise.  

Now as for sexual compatibility, how will you know?  Marry him and teach him.  Hear me out.  If you are compatible outside of bed, you will be even more compatible in bed.  

Hear Me, now.  When you have established your relationship in an open and honest platform, where you don't hide who your are; you are not afraid to communicate; you are easy to be with - without having sex; you enjoy each other...period....how much easier it will flow right into your bedroom.  

For you have established the foundation of communicating how you feel and what you like, what would please you.  It will be an added joy to come together as one in making love, not sex, but pure love, discovering the loving intimacy ... each day...discovering more, because you waited. 

God is pleased...but so are the two of you.  And don't think for one moment that God will not intervene on behalf of saving your marriage to make your 'love-making' beyond your wildest dreams.  

Let God bring him...no woman here has to beg and wonder when, how, where about any man.  If you're in any kind of relationship that is filled with doubt, get out.  You do not need that kind of stress in your life.  It is not good for your self-esteem.   

Just let God bring him.  All you have to do is prepare...now go and fix your pretty hair.    Your real man *is* coming.  Just be ready.


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## Sunshine_One (Aug 10, 2006)

ShimmieGirl said:
			
		

> This is one of the questions that the 'enemy' puts out there, to doubt God's word.  Only to weaken your prize of being a woman with a stand.
> 
> This is the Key..."God is not mocked."  If He says to wait...then wait.  We need 'stop lights' in sex just as much as we do in everyday traffic.
> 
> ...




This was very well written and truly blessed my soul!  Thanks Shimmie!


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## firecracker (Aug 10, 2006)

I agree with Shimmie about the man leaving.  Sex is important but its not more important than my clear conscience and ability to sleep at night. 
(I've been celebate for over a year now)
No I didn't wait til I was married the first time I was preggers then tied the knot.


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## tuffCOOKiE (Aug 10, 2006)

I agree w Shimmie wholeheartedly. But it's easier said than done.  Now that I have the maturity, I don't feel horrible for just saying 'no' or putting it out there early that 'I dont get down like that'

but its hard when he puts you in that mood... 

I have abstained from sex for 1 year an 4 months.  Not to say to brag, but to let you know that I've known both sides of the coin..


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## mch5683 (Aug 10, 2006)

Sunshine_One said:
			
		

> This was very well written and truly blessed my soul!  Thanks Shimmie!


Shimmie, you are such an inspiration.  God truly uses you to edify others.  Thank you for those words of encouragement!


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## Saida (Aug 10, 2006)

mch5683 said:
			
		

> Shimmie, you are such an inspiration.  God truly uses you to edify others.  Thank you for those words of encouragement!



That was so wise said, your great Shimmie


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## Shimmie (Aug 10, 2006)

Lovely Angels, you are exactly that and more.  You deserve only the very best in this life and God DOES have it for each of you.  And it's not a Secret, nor anything that you have to 'muster' up.   Just let God bring him in.


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## firecracker (Aug 10, 2006)

Shimmie said:
			
		

> But angels after my divorce (I married in my teens - pregnant), I ended up in 3 relationships, each one wishing this was the 'one'. Only to wish afterwards, that I never gave 'it' up to them.
> 
> Yeah I had one of those moments last year right after the act.
> 
> ...



    Wow I have had several celibate moments and years in my life but never that long.  So what yo cobwebs older than mine.   Well keep holding on cuz a change w/marriage first is gon come for sure.  It will be the best too.  Go head now!


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## Belle Du Jour (Aug 10, 2006)

So you ended up with the man you were dreaming about?  That's very cool.


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## Shimmie (Aug 10, 2006)

firecracker said:
			
		

> Wow I have had several celibate moments and years in my life but never that long. So what yo cobwebs older than mine.  Well keep holding on cuz a change w/marriage first is gon come for sure. It will be the best too. Go head now!


 
   "Fire", I KNEW that you'd be here to see this first. I knew it.  I'm so glad that I trusted the instinct from God to 'speak' out to you.  You always make my day with your honest reactions.  How can I not love you? And I do...{{{{Hugs }}}}.   

NOW, as for those cobwebs....   Girl, your are too much.  I've never been afraid of spiders...


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## Shimmie (Aug 10, 2006)

Here's one of the scriptures that I've lived on for years.

In Psalm 16 - "...He counsels my reins in the night seasons." 

"Classimami", one of my constant prayers at night is this, based on Psalm 16.  "Lord, I thank you that you give me sweet counsel in the night.

While I am sleeping, you instruct me; Lord, you tell me what to do.  When I awake, it will be among the living, my footsteps, my thoughts are ordered of you."  And for this I thank you...In Jesus' name...Amen.

"Classi", He never fails me.  I've been through so much in this life; not once has He ever failed me.   Men have--- both male and female, both Black and White; but not Jesus, 'Classi', not Him...not ever.  And never will He fail you.  Not ever.  It matters not what you need or what you want, He will not fail you. 

Loving hugs...


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## Shimmie (Aug 10, 2006)

Dearest Ones for whom I pray.  I promised to post the marriage prayer for singles.  Just be assured, with hearts like yours, God has no problem answering the desire of your heart to be married. That's what He created and designed us for. And in your prayers thank God as follows: 

" Lord, I thank you that I will be as you have 'such' created". (This scripture you find in Ephesians 2). 

Whatever you do, allow God to be first. 

Such as, "Father, only you can give me the desire of my heart to be a wife and to give glory to you as such. I will not bow to the world but unto you." 

Dear Father, bless me as you did Hannah when she asked you for a son, you answered her prayer and blessed her with _Samuel_, which means, _"...because I asked the Lord for him."  _ 

Lord because *"I asked", *you will answer, for your word says, 'If I ask anything according to your will, you will hear me and when I know that you hear me, I can expect you to answer, 'yes'' to my request.   For a happy, loving, fruitful marriage *is Your will *and Your will shall be done in, here on earth, in my life, as it is in Heaven.

I promise to allow my marriage to give you glory. To you I surrender all short comings that are in me and in my husband. To be the wife that you created me to be. And to allow my husband to be the man you created and designed him to be.

Father, take over my life from this day forward. To you, I surrender all. Let your will be done and not my will. 

Please protect me from all counterfeits. Please allow only the right man to come into my path and into my life to make me his wife. When he comes you will prove to me beyond a doubt that he is the one. I promise to ask you first, before I surrender my heart, allowing you to be my leader and guide in all truth.

In Jesus' name, Amen and Amen.

Angels, there is no magic pattern or prayer, you are simply putting it there in God's hands.  Then let it come from Him.  And it will, "Because you asked" just as Hannah did and God said, yes. 

I will post another prayer tomorrow.  All we are doing is coming together as one, for each other, believing God.

Loving blessings and Sweet sleep to each of you.  Dream of Him; the One without sin, and then the him who is yet to be.  Amen.


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## firecracker (Aug 10, 2006)

Aww Shimmer thanks for the awesome prayers.  I love you too Ms Lady .


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## pebbles (Aug 12, 2006)

Shimmie said:
			
		

> Dearest Ones for whom I pray.  I promised to post the marriage prayer for singles.  Just be assured, with hearts like yours, God has no problem answering the desire of your heart to be married. That's what He created and designed us for. And in your prayers thank God as follows:
> 
> " Lord, I thank you that I will be as you have 'such' created". (This scripture you find in Ephesians 2).
> 
> ...



Shimmie, I just wanted to tell you that you are a REAL blessing! Thank-you for posting such a beautiful prayer!


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## Shimmie (Aug 12, 2006)

pebbles said:
			
		

> Shimmie, I just wanted to tell you that you are a REAL blessing! Thank-you for posting such a beautiful prayer!


Pebbles each of us have so much to give to one another here.  I discovered this thread the other day at work, and when I came across your first post, I had to print out this entire thread.  

Pebs', I began to read it all while on the train coming home.  I couldn't put it down.  Your response was truly from the heart of God our Father.  There were many members who posted whose names I didn't recognize.  But they are women who are not afraid to give God the glory. 

"Fire" (Firecracker  ) told me you are one of Christians that she highly respects in this forum.  Your manner of sharing God's love is easy to receive.  I see exactly what she means.  You have a peaceful spirit...even in the midst... of all of this .

You give meaning to God's word, "Iron Shapens Iron."  Thank you for intervening for me, yesterday. 

Loving hugs...


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## pebbles (Aug 13, 2006)

Thank-you so much, Shimmie! Loving hugs to you as well, sis!!


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## Shimmie (Aug 13, 2006)

tuffCOOKiE said:
			
		

> I agree w Shimmie wholeheartedly. But it's easier said than done. Now that I have the maturity, I don't feel horrible for just saying 'no' or putting it out there early that 'I dont get down like that'
> 
> *but its hard when he puts you in that mood...*
> 
> I have abstained from sex for 1 year an 4 months. Not to say to brag, but to let you know that I've known both sides of the coin..


 
Hey Sweet Angel, don't feel bad.   Personally, I could be 'classified' as always in the 'mood' and without any help from him...  I am an incurable 'Romantic' and I love it.  I love Romance.  But the key is "Desire".  I have a very strong Desire that God was inbeding into my spirit for all these 24 years of being celibate and it comes down to this.  Do I 'Desire' him for 'now' or the beauty of _*'Forever'.*_ 

I choose, "Forever".

Choosing 'now' has no promise of "Forever"...choosing 'now' may last only 2-3 minutes of 'wow' and with the remaining 23 hours and 58 minutes filled with wondering how long will he still be in it.  erplexed    So the 'now' is not so 'wow'... 

I want 'more' than I had in the past relationships I had with men before. As a woman, God took so much time to create me.  I look at the wonder of how both me and my future husband were created...inside and out.  

My 'Desire', during the times when I want him 'now', instead I want him *'Forever'* and into Eternity with Jesus.  

My lovng prayer to every woman, enjoy the beauty of being his mystery, you will never lose him to anyone else.  God won't allow it. "That which is His, will never be plucked out of God's hands..."  Who'd dare to steal your man from God?   

Your screen name says it all...You are one Beautiful 'Tuff Cookie"...

And so all the rest of you wonderful ladies..."Desire Forever"... 

Love to each of you...


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## Supergirl (Aug 26, 2006)

Shimmie said:
			
		

> Hey Sweet Angel, don't feel bad.   Personally, I could be 'classified' as always in the 'mood' and without any help from him...  I am an incurable 'Romantic' and I love it.  I love Romance.  But the key is "Desire".  I have a very strong Desire that God was inbeding into my spirit for all these 24 years of being celibate and it comes down to this.  Do I 'Desire' him for 'now' or the beauty of _*'Forever'.*_
> 
> I choose, "Forever".
> 
> ...




Let the church say AMEN.


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## AnnDriena_ (Sep 11, 2006)

I've heard the "compatibility" arguement over and over and always I feel the same. 

Certain things need to be discussed before marriage. Such as does he consider "compatibility" to be him ignoring you all day and not really carrying his share of the load and then pushing up on you like your supposed to be in the mood to please him or does he (and I say he because I know it goes both ways but it's usually the man who has the more active sex drive and is easier to get in the mood) plan on taking some initiative and actually using foreplay for what it's for..to get you in the mood and would you be open to getting in the mood. 

As for whether or not either one of you will be "good" at it.Practice makes perfect. Are you both willing to practice?

And this answer is not popular among women but really if your not in the mood you can fake it.
If he is not in the mood you need to look into pharmaceutical help so you can get what you want.

Those who are having all this sex outside of marriage and think it will be just fine once they get married. I would think twice. Sex drives change and the routine of marriage helps it to change. And many times the stress and responsibility of marriage don't lend a sex life to being the exciting do it up against the wall days of yore. And if you want your sex life to be that way it doesn't need to start before marriage.

And I personally don't want to be well practiced when I get married. I want us both to discover things about the actual act of sex and sex with each other.

And even if this sounds strange to some I don't want to have anyone to compare my husband to. And he won't have to worry he's not as good as many other guys in the world who've run through my bedroom. I'll be able to enjoy him for him.


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## Shimmie (Sep 12, 2006)

AnnDriena_ said:
			
		

> I've heard the "compatibility" arguement over and over and always I feel the same.
> 
> Certain things need to be discussed before marriage. Such as does he consider "compatibility" to be him ignoring you all day and not really carrying his share of the load and then pushing up on you like your supposed to be in the mood to please him or does he (and I say he because I know it goes both ways but it's usually the man who has the more active sex drive and is easier to get in the mood) plan on taking some initiative and actually using foreplay for what it's for..to get you in the mood and would you be open to getting in the mood.
> 
> ...


 
So well said.  So VERY well said.


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## pebbles (Sep 12, 2006)

That was a really nice post, AnnDriena.


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## AnnDriena_ (Sep 13, 2006)

Thank you. I'm glad I didnt' upset anyone. I also had another thought that sums up this question all others like it. You know the what ifs' and what about this" questions.

I'm NOT trying to bite off the head of the person who originally posted this question but this is on my heart.

He is GOD. Trust that he has already taken care of this. I say this because I've heard so many questions like this. What if this, What if that. Like God hasn't already thought of this and of that. It's like saying "The sun is so hot what if it falls out of the sky and burns us all to death?" Not trying to be funny but overexagerrating for illustration. Trust me, *HE'S THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING.*
And then we hear all the excuses and "really good" reasons for people disobeying and going against him. yes against him. If you're not for him, you're against him.
There are no excuses. Either He is LORD OF all or he isn't LORD AT all.
There is no such thing as "kind of" sinning.

And one more thing.  I think our society is so pornified we have this misconception that we are supposed to be having the same reaction and hair pulling, screaming at the top of our lungs "fake" sex that is being thrown at us to sell everything from gum to music. 

"Compatibility" has become this mythical term for being perfect together.  And then when someones' sex drives changes. Yes that happens. What happens to your compatibility? You have to do what GOD originally intended for you to do anyway. You have to love and work with your spouse to learn what pleases them.  Just like with two virgins will initially be doing anyway.


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## pebbles (Sep 13, 2006)

Nope, no heads should feel bitten off.  Your post really does give one cause to think and ask if we're really trusting God or making our own provisions. It's a fair statement and one to be considered seriously.


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## Shimmie (Sep 13, 2006)

AnnDriena_ said:
			
		

> Thank you. I'm glad I didnt' upset anyone. I also had another thought that sums up this question all others like it. You know the what ifs' and what about this" questions.
> 
> I'm NOT trying to bite off the head of the person who originally posted this question but this is on my heart.
> 
> ...


 
 AnnDriena, you are speaking nothing but the truth.  I support you 1000%.  And your Father in heaven backs you up even more.   

Why 'pitty-pat' someone on the head straight to hell, telling them that it's okay to believe a lie?  You are only telling them the truth.  And the truth must be told.  Expose the myth of 'what if'' for what it is, a blatant, outright lie of deception.   This what if's and why's are only deceiving tricks of the devil to get someone to yield to the flesh.  

You know the devil is going to use every subtle and not so subtle device and scheme to make wrong appear justified.   All of these 'what if's' is exactly that, false justifications and nothing less.  A false justification to get one locked up in sin.  And his whole purpose is to shame us as Christians; minimize our integrity to the world.  

Don't we have enough of this mess in the news already?  So-called preachers in adultery, and all other kinds of sexual sin.  I'm tired of it!!! And I'm not judging, for this judges itsself -- as we can all see with the consequences of sexual sins running rampant. *It's a self-exposing sin that judges itsself and those who participate in it.  Period! * 

*What others don't see is that 'yeilding' to this lie is no different than any other reason a person chooses to have premarital sex.  The 'what's if's' are no different than emotional 'foreplay' -- whatever it takes to manipulate our mindset to think this reason makes it right to have sex outside of marriage. * 

The bottomline is that a person is just plain looking for and / or justifying their desires to satisfy a sexual urge.  If this were not so, there would not be any need for any question of 'what if'.  We're not stupid.  The devil may be stupid, but we're not.  Get real with ourselves and just face and acknowledge what is really going on and then deal with it, *God's way.* 

*God's way is:*  Sex is for marriage and marriage is ordained of God as between a man and a woman - ONLY.  If one wants to have sex, get married.  I Corinthians 7, makes it perfectly clear that it is better to marry than to burn...meaning in passion and hell.  It's just that plain and simple.  

*AnnDriena, just keep telling the truth and don't you ever apologize for it. * I can't be more supportive of you and others like you.  I'm sick of people playing games.  When something is wrong, just don't do it.  It's elementary; it doesn't take a college degree to figure it out.  I'm sick of people 'playing' Christian.  Coming into churches, playing the praise games and then living like the devil.   

If you're going to call yourself a Christian, than let your light so shine as such and stop playing around with fire and misleading others into watered down ethics.  That's why the world disrepects our faith.  Too many people have worn our label on tattered ethics.  

What makes it sadder, it that other religions have stricter guidelines and yet they are followed.  

Again, AnnDriena, you are a Light that we need in the Body of Christ.  Thank you for your boldness; thank you for your pureness, thank you for your honesty.  Don't ever back down and shut up.  Keep sharing the truth and share it boldly.  God is proud of you for waking people up to the deceptions of false justifications, when in truth, it is only an excuse to yield to sin. 

Just to clarify...I'm speaking the truth.  The only head I've bitten off is the devils and without remorse.


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## kisz4tj (Sep 13, 2006)

Shimmie said:
			
		

> All of these 'what if's' is exactly that, false justifications and nothing less.
> Don't we have enough of this mess in the news already?  So-called preachers in adultery, and all other kinds of sexual sin.  I'm tired of it!!! And I'm not judging, for this judges itsself -- as we can all see with the consequences of sexual sins running rampant. *It's a self-exposing sin that judges itsself and those who participate in it.  Period! *
> 
> emotional 'foreplay' -- whatever it takes to manipulate our mindset to think this reason makes it right to have sex outside of marriage. [/B][/COLOR]
> ...



I so wish this thread would die already.  Iâ€™d quote AnnDriena also but I donâ€™t have the strength to do so.  My what ifâ€™s werenâ€™t fantasy day dreamsâ€¦they were my reality.  Nor was it a not so slick ploy to give into my flesh.      STICK A FORK IN ME!


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## Shimmie (Sep 13, 2006)

kisz4tj said:
			
		

> I so wish this thread would die already. Iâ€™d quote AnnDriena also but I donâ€™t have the strength to do so. My what ifâ€™s werenâ€™t fantasy day dreamsâ€¦they were my reality. Nor was it a not so slick ploy to give into my flesh. STICK A FORK IN ME!


 
  This is not about you, Kisz4tj.  I promise this is not about you.  It's the subject at hand.  And you should stand up and take a bow for being the vessel to bring up this very timely and necessary subject.

Kisz4, it is so NEEDED in the Body of Christ.  You don't know the impact and the importance of this subject which you originated.  It was a while back and you have come full circle in your life.  We ALL question the reasons, and had you not had the heart and the courage to come forth with this question, the enemy would still be out there tricking people with his deceptions.

*I stand up and I applaude you.   Do hear me?  I applaude you.  For we have to expose the devils tricks and schemes which he is using to keep us bound and in dire straights.  

I tell you in truth, you are the champion here.  No matter how it 'appeared' to say otherwise, you are the champion.  For you created the platform to speak out a question that no one else dared to do. 

Take a bow...this is not a play on words.  You are highly regarded in God's favor, for each time you posed the questions of 'what if's', we -- including -- you were taking the devil down with his lies.* 

I cannot thank God for you more, for who you are in His kingdom.  Be at peace, you are not the subject in question...and never will you be.  

This is not about you...Angel.  Only the devils deception. We in the Body have been 'fooled' by him long enough.  With loving thanks to you, his sexual lie has been exposed.

Loving hugs...


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## Shimmie (Sep 13, 2006)

An Apology to the OP...

Your post is doing a wonderful thing.  Please be proud of yourself.  

Whatever I have stated or made appear to the contrary, I apologize. 

With all of the threads that don't honor 'our' faith, you came up with one that challenges and shakes the very foundation that satan thought he could fool us with.  You have opened the platform to tear down his lies.  

God could not be more prouder of you, for your boldness to start that thread.  For it opened the door for Him to shine through.  

Keep shining for you have truly shined a needed light for the Body of Christ to follow in the path of Jesus.


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## caligirl (Jul 9, 2007)

sprungonhairboards said:
			
		

> I only know 1 person period who is a virgin and she happens to be in her mid 30's but not because she is such a faithful Christian, she's a good girl but I dont even think she goes to church and I've never heard her talk about God, but because she's been about 300 pds and not very attractive her whole life and nobody wanted it. That in itself is a miracle to me since even the fatest ugliest people can get laid. She just lost over 100 pds and is dying to give it up!  :eyebrows2
> 
> Not being mean just telling the truth.



well dag! could you make it any plainer?!


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## thiccknlong (Jul 10, 2007)

natalied said:
			
		

> If two people truly love each, they will want to satisfy each other sexually. I have never heard of these sexual problems b/w couples who are 100% giving and loving to each other. Me and DH were akward at first, but he was willing to do and try anything to please me sexually. And I the same. Did your husband try to do things that pleased YOU sexually and not just himself?
> 
> re:the girl that got married who is misearble sexually
> Same issue applies. Is her husband a God-fearing loving and giving man? Also, I find sometimes, due to poor information, women come to the marriage with hangups which affects their sexual experiece (i.e. mom says she never liked it, sex is more pleasurable for a man, its painful, its a chore, etc.). These hangups are not the husband's fault.
> ...


 
I love your response ! If 2 ppl are truly in love with each and want to please each other, it can be done.

You can be kept if you WANT to be kept. But, you have to work at it....anyway, I do plan to wait. Although, I'm scared to tell him this up front...i think i'll leave that for later


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## Shardonay11 (Aug 24, 2007)

Bklynqueen said:


> I'm probably gonna get chewed out here, but I am not married (yet) and have been with my boyfriend of 3 years and I would never, never, get married to someone I was not sexually compatiable with. In my opinion, that is a serious mistake waiting to happen. My current relationship, Thank God is not like that. My last relationship, which last 4 1/2 years, we were not sexually compatiable and it was frustrating and unsatisfying. I was very often left wanting... Why I stayed with him so long? Well, I loved that fool- see I was a good girlfriend! LOL. But after we broke up, I took care not to make that mistake again, life was too short to be that unsatisfied. I made sure with my current boyfriend, that if I did not even like the way he kissed, it would go no further. And we discussed sexual relations prior to us having relations and found that were both open-minded and liked the same things- we were evenly "yoked" when it came to that! LOL.
> 
> I was asked once how important sex is in a relationship and marriage; well for me, the sex is 50 %, good communication, compromise , respect and understanding is the other 50%. No disrespect for those saving themselves before marriage but I would seriously kick myself if I waited so long and then waited to dtd in my marriage bed only to be left like , "Damn, i could have had a V-8...."
> 
> With that said, I'm out! *****running out of thread******


 
You won't be getting chewed out from me because I completely agree. I am married, but my husband and I was having sex before our marriage.  My husband comes from a real religous southern family that view me as the anti-christ because of our pre-marriage sexual realationship. (His brother still remains a virgin and he 30+ and sister was one before she got married)
The whole of his female family, to this day they see me as the sex kitten, and litterly hold on to there men.  It kinda funny when I think about it.  Anyway, I would never change the physical relationship my husband and me had before marriage.  I think it important to explore that aveune.  I too could not image being sexually unsatified for life.  Honesty, I would probably cheat. Good sex can get you through some hard times, it not something to play with in my book.


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## Shimmie (Aug 24, 2007)

Shardonay11 said:


> You won't be getting chewed out from me because I completely agree. I am married, but my husband and I was having sex before our marriage. My husband comes from a real religous southern family that view me as the anti-christ because of our pre-marriage sexual realationship. (His brother still remains a virgin and he 30+ and sister was one before she got married)
> 
> The whole of his female family, to this day they see me as the sex kitten, and litterly hold on to there men. It kinda funny when I think about it. Anyway, I would never change the physical relationship my husband and me had before marriage. I think it important to explore that aveune. I too could not image being sexually unsatified for life. Honesty, I would probably cheat. Good sex can get you through some hard times, it not something to play with in my book.


I gotta ask you... 

How did his family 'know' that you were having sex before you were married?  Who told? 

God bless you angel...


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## He_Leads_I_follow (Sep 11, 2007)

I have been saved and single for 9 years and have been living according to God's word for 7 (wholly abstinent being one). In the last 2 years, someone very close to me began to pursue me. Something didn't seem right but later I agreed. The Lord actually showed me this encounter in a dream before he approached me (warning #1). Well, we didn't know what "this" was because at the time others in our prayer group were being drawn away. [Clearly an attack on the group but we all were too arrogant to heed the FOREWARNING of the attack from our leaders.] FOOLISH!

Well, we had walked together in the same intercessory prayer group for 4 years at the time. So we went to our spirtual leaders of our prayer group and shared it with them to weigh it. One of them being male said "this could blow up in your face". The other being female said "shut it down now. Don't play with it". (Warning #2).

We stepped back by just talking now and then. Then he would come over and we would watch movies from time to time. A little leaven... After awhile I hugged him. This may seem like nothing to most of you but intimate hugging opens doors. Especially when you're so arrogant as we were to think we would not fall into error. Because we knew the other loved the Lord and hated sin, we trusted each other . We really thought we were safe and saved enough to be alone. Little did we realize the scriptures were true "in the flesh dwells NO GOOD THING.If it had been any other person, we would have never allowed ourselves to be in this position 

Your flesh can dupe you into making the wrong choice. It's like a twillight anestesia. You're asleep but not fully so you think you're fine. You think you're still awake. A sleep walker may be up and walking around but they are not awake! 

Soon after it went from intimate hugging to passionate kissing. Then it escalated ofcourse to clothes on simulated sex. We would stop when it was too much (as if we hadn't already crossed that line). We have probably had at least 10 encounters like that. I remember the first time we had gone that far, after that time I felt bonded to him and he did to. It amazed me how a soul tie can happen even without penetration. 

It hasn't gone any further but the stronghold that has been setup in my mind from this thing is worse than if it had gone all the way. My thoughtlife had become corrupted and my prayer life flacid and weak. We are both called to greater things and are greatly asahmed at our behaviour. We carried on as if God could not see. As if the Holy Spirit was not in us. Would the Holy Spirit participate in such perversion. NEVER. We don't want to be like Saul. After awhile Saul did not know that the Spirit of the Lord departed from Him. We could be going through the religious motions and never relaize (but others will see because your fruit does bear witness) that we had no spirtual power and authority. Our prayers for others would have been rendered useless because if you regard iniquity in your heart, He will not hear you. 

Fleeing youthful lusts,
He Leads


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## Supergirl (Sep 11, 2007)

He_Leads_I_follow said:


> I have been saved and single for 9 years and have been living according to God's word for 7 (wholly abstinent being one). In the last 2 years, someone very close to me began to pursue me. Something didn't seem right but later I agreed. The Lord actually showed me this encounter in a dream before he approached me (warning #1). Well, we didn't know what "this" was because at the time others in our prayer group were being drawn away. [Clearly an attack on the group but we all were too arrogant to heed the FOREWARNING of the attack from our leaders.] FOOLISH!
> 
> Well, we had walked together in the same intercessory prayer group for 4 years at the time. So we went to our spirtual leaders of our prayer group and shared it with them to weigh it. One of them being male said "this could blow up in your face". The other being female said "shut it down now. Don't play with it". (Warning #2).
> 
> ...




I appreciate your honesty and I understand every word.  I think some people would read this and think "What's wrong with that?"  But with the Spirit in your heart, I know this just cannot sit well.  I hope you will be able to get back on track and back to where you know is best for you at this stage.  Best wishes and blessings.


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## He_Leads_I_follow (Sep 11, 2007)

Thank you for the encouragement Supergirl. 

Blessings unto you
Shalom


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## secretdiamond (Sep 16, 2007)

hottopic said:


> WOW.   I am leaving this one alone..... erplexed I am a born again Christian and far from a virgin. Although, I am a virgin again in the eyes of the lord. What about people like me who knows what they are missing and have a boyfriend (3 1/2 Yrs together). We stopped having sex because I am born again, but at the same time how long can it last. This is a question I know the answer to, "until marriage." But the reality of it is things happen and not everyone’s spirits are not strong enough to fight of everything the body wants. I have to struggle everyday with withdrawals form the things I enjoyed. If I slip I know my Father (God) will forgive me, but that is between Messiah and I. Some answers aren't black and white, there is just gray. We live life in the gray area.




This is me right now.  I have so many q's about this, but I'm leaving it alone. erplexed


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## star (Sep 16, 2007)

Remember their are different levels of Christians and some are in name only. If you are a growing Christian and have read the Bible at some point it has never been a secret that fornication is a sin. Now whether you believe it or not does not change God's word. We all have had to struggle with this but as we GROW in God and become closer to him having sex outside marriage leaves a sense of guilt. There is no way you getting closer and closer to God and enjoy any kind of sin. And, fornication is the worse as stated in the Bible because you are sinning aganist your own body.

We cannot water down the word and pick what we want we all must make up our minds whom we want to serve and strive to get there. I rather hear someone who is a known fornicator not say anything on this subject than to *promote sin.* People respect you when you *respect God.* Does not mean you understand everything or even like it but just because *God said that settles it.*

Promoting any kind of sin to say it is OK shows the level of Christian maturity in the person and although it is between you and God it does change the fact that it is wrong or sin.  God loves you too much to keep you in sin or ignorance especially since the world is watching people who confessed to be Christians. * We(Christians) are the only Bible some people will ever read. People look at what you DO rather than what you say.*


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## He_Leads_I_follow (Sep 16, 2007)

My concern after all of these posts is the sister that had the initial question. Have you found the truth regarding this? Did you find the answer you needed? There is no defense for fornication in the life of a Beleiver. This subject should be closed. 

As beleiver's His truth is all that matters. Not our opinion. Not what I "receive" or what makes my flesh tingle with agreement. His Word is clear. We have to ask ourselves why do we so readily receive the promises of God but have to be so heavily convinced of His law? Yes, He indeed loves us all but willfull sin has and always will separate us from God. Jer. 29 demonstrates how God who greatly loved and still loves Israel, had to turn them over to their enemy because of their disobedience. You'll read how He lovingly speaks to them of their restoration but that is after He tells them that they will be going to Babylon as captives for 70 years!!! It's like a parent who has to discipline their child ..."this hurts me more than it hurts you"...

He loved and still loves them but He's holy and there are consequences for making the wrong choice. That is why He leaves it plainly in His word so that we would make the right choice. 

You don't need some deep revealtion from God when His word is clear on this subject. You just have to ask yourself , if you need scripture after scripture or you want to avoid this subject, is this the Will of God concerning you? Would the Holy Spiirt be leading you to "leave this alone"? No, only the enemy wants to deter you from the truth. Don't wait for your flesh to agree with this because it won't. The flesh will always war against the Spirit.  If anyone prefers to continue in sin then that's fine. Really it is. Because God gives you a choice. Just understand what choice you are making. Understand when you accept this behaviour you are rejecting Him.


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## momi (Jan 17, 2009)

He_Leads_I_follow said:


> My concern after all of these posts is the sister that had the initial question. Have you found the truth regarding this? Did you find the answer you needed? There is no defense for fornication in the life of a Beleiver. This subject should be closed.
> 
> As beleiver's His truth is all that matters. Not our opinion. Not what I "receive" or what makes my flesh tingle with agreement. His Word is clear. We have to ask ourselves why do we so readily receive the promises of God but have to be so heavily convinced of His law? Yes, He indeed loves us all but willfull sin has and always will separate us from God. Jer. 29 demonstrates how God who greatly loved and still loves Israel, had to turn them over to their enemy because of their disobedience. You'll read how He lovingly speaks to them of their restoration but that is after He tells them that they will be going to Babylon as captives for 70 years!!! It's like a parent who has to discipline their child ..."this hurts me more than it hurts you"...
> 
> ...


 
Amen.  Make it plain.


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## MuseofTroy (Jan 19, 2009)

Great thread ladies. I have nothing else to add that hasn't already been said.


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## Kurlee (Jan 20, 2009)

natalied said:


> If two people truly love each, they will want to satisfy each other sexually. I have never heard of these sexual problems b/w couples who are 100% giving and loving to each other. Me and DH were akward at first, but he was willing to do and try anything to please me sexually. And I the same. Did your husband try to do things that pleased YOU sexually and not just himself?
> 
> re:the girl that got married who is misearble sexually
> Same issue applies. Is her husband a God-fearing loving and giving man? Also, I find sometimes, due to poor information, women come to the marriage with hangups which affects their sexual experiece (i.e. mom says she never liked it, sex is more pleasurable for a man, its painful, its a chore, etc.). These hangups are not the husband's fault.
> ...


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## melodies815 (Jan 23, 2009)

just a bump...


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## saved06 (Jan 26, 2009)

I think this quote sums it up best as far as sexual compatibility:

"You can't have expectations for something you are not suppose to know about"


Think about it.....


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## monie20032007 (Jan 26, 2009)

saved06 said:


> I think this quote sums it up best as far as sexual compatibility:
> 
> *"You can't have expectations for something you are not suppose to know about"*
> 
> ...



Ooo Good one


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## UmSumayyah (Mar 19, 2009)

http://roslynholcomb.wordpress.com/2009/01/12/free-lesson-16-smoke-gets-in-your-eyes/

_This conversation keeps coming up on Monnie’s blog and I thought it would be a good idea to do a free lesson about it. There seems to be a mindset that waiting for an established relationship before having sex is a bad idea. Their argument is that they want to know how the other person is in the sack before committing to that person. In other words, they want to try it before they buy it. While that is definitely a good plan when it comes to buying a car, it’s not so hot as it pertains to human relationships. For one thing, it seems odd to me that people are putting such a premium on good sex. Is good sex important? Most assuredly, but I think the best sex is a side-effect of a good relationship. Not the other way around. _


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## neenzmj (Mar 19, 2009)

My husband and I failed to wait until we were married and we were quite convicted by it, which is part of the reason why our wedding date moved up so quickly.

But here's what we have learned in our being out of order:  we are now having to go back to square one to try to establish a "right idea" about sex.  Here's what I mean:  because we had perverted sex (both before we met and even while we were dating), we both had some guilt feelings attached with it.  I felt shame about all the fornicating I'd done over the years and he felt shame about how he'd used women as objects over the years.  So, it wasn't an issue about how good or bad the sex was, our biggest issue was dealing with these residual issues from our past.  Imagine trying to have an intimate evening with your husband and you suddenly have a rush of guilt come over you out of nowhere.  That can really mess up the mood!

I believe that any couple can have a fulfilling intimate life if they are both willing to be open, honest and patient with each to meet the others' needs.  In my experience, it is far easier to "tweak" this area than it is to erase those memories (that can be real hindrances) from the past.


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## BeautifulFlower (Mar 19, 2009)

So true!



neenzmj said:


> In my experience, it is far easier to "tweak" this area than it is to erase those memories (that can be real hindrances) from the past.


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## BrooklynSouth (Mar 20, 2009)

*Horney as heck but I'll wait. I hope I can lean in really close and get a feel for the future! Now, I just have to find him!*


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