# Who should be first in a man's life, Mother or Wife?



## LatterGlory (Sep 30, 2009)

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## music-bnatural-smile (Sep 30, 2009)

hmmmm I think God will bless a man who is close to Him with the discernment of how to love everyone in His life appropriately... 

Biblically a marriage makes 2 people one though... i'm interested for the responses to this one, its a good question


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## Renovating (Sep 30, 2009)

I chose the wife. A mother that respects her son's marriage and has a desire for it to succeed would not make him choose, and would find other ways to meet her needs. (emotional, financial, whatever)


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## RockCreak (Sep 30, 2009)

Mrs BHF said:


> I know what the Word of God says, but interested in your opinions on the matter.
> 
> Let's say he has to make a decision to stay in a state near mom or move far away with the wife... or if he has a mother needs him for support ( emotional, financial, whatever )and a wife who needs him also.
> 
> Who should get first preference?


 

IMHO I believe the wife should come first (and I do) .  When you take that vow.... you are saying just that.  Mothers should realize that their sons are starting a new family, not to say that they still can't be there for their mother... but they have a "new woman" in their life.  I know for some that this is a major issue.. battling the inlaw and having the husband stuck between a rock and a hard place because he wants to please everyone.  Then the husband is left feeling like he has to choose one over the other... Then the wife if having issues because the man is not standing up for their marriage and defending her as his wife... not setting the boundaries or guidelines if you will... oh how I know all to well.... .

Ok.. enough of me ranting.. I'm waiting to hear other responses as well!


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## LatterGlory (Sep 30, 2009)

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## Laela (Sep 30, 2009)

My answer is based on biblical principle; so based on that premise, the Word of God instructs a man (from Genesis and throughout other books in the Bible) to *leave *his father and mother and to *cleave *to his wife. The two becoming one in God's eyes, he cannot put anyone before her because anything he does, he will be doing it to himself. We are to love ourselves as we love others.

Of course, this is with the understanding that God comes first in the lives of both the wife and husband.

_Cleave_, according to Webster's means: _to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly._

Marriage is work. Unwavering loyalty is what helps keep a marriage together. That means her needs will come first. Her desires will come first. The day he puts anyone else's needs and desires before his wife's he's in danger of violating his own vows.  Same goes for the wife.

A mother who loves her son will let him be free to be the man she'd raised him to be, even if it means keeping her out of his marital decisions and affairs. The day he marries, she, along with everyone else has become an "outsider" to this union. The husband and wife's goal is to stay incubated, with as little interference from outsiders as possible. That doesn't mean he doesn't love his mother, he's just appropriated his relationship with her.

It's funny you even ask this question, because the biggest problem a lot of people have these days with their marriages is dealing with the in-laws.  People who have respect for a person's marriage will never interfere or deliberately cause harm. Unfortunately when sons and daughters marry, some parents just don't know how to let go or they mistakenly see the shift in their child's attention as a form of rejection.

I think how the in-laws deal with a couple depends on their personal view of the sanctity of marriage.

Just MHO.... 

Oh, my answer is WIFE.


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## chiconya (Sep 30, 2009)

I voted Wife can't argue with God.


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## LatterGlory (Sep 30, 2009)

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## Shimmie (Oct 1, 2009)

Mrs BHF said:


> I know what the Word of God says, but interested in your opinions on the matter.
> 
> Let's say he has to make a decision to stay in a state near mom or move far away with the wife... or if he has a mother needs him for support ( emotional, financial, whatever )and a wife who needs him also.
> 
> *Who should get first preference?*


His wife, period, point blank, no other options.  It's the word and the commandment of God.  

"Children obey your parents, for this is right'.   

By a living example, children were taught that Mommie and Daddie lived together as man and wife.   Not husband and his mother or vice versa. 

Parents, train up your child in the way that they should go...

Go with your husband or wife... 

Now in the case of a parent needing care, one option is to pack up the parent and move them with you and proceed to care for them how God directs you to.  

What if the wife objects?  

God always makes the provisions for us to 'obey' Him.    Always.  

He never requires us to do anything that He has not made provision for. 

*Two Biblical Examples:* 

*Abraham and Sarah:*   God commanded Abraham to come out from his family.  Abraham obeyed and left with his wife, Sarai (Sarah) and God made every provision for them, for they were in the perfect will of God and they allowed God to be the head of their journey.

*Joseph and Mary:*   God spoke to Joseph in a dream.  "Take the mother and baby (Mary and Jesus) and go unto Nazareth".   God was protecting them from King Herod and his fury to kill every baby boy ages 2 and under.   Joseph obeyed and God provided for them completely.

In the lives of these men and others we read of in the Bible, they all had human shortcomings.  They needed God's intervention for the right decision.  That's why it is so important for God to be the head of the Marriage so that He is the one directing the husband in the path he needs to follow with the decisions he needs to make.   The same applies to the wife...God must lead her as well.

For the husband, the order is God, Wife, then Family.  

For the wife, it's God, Husband, then Family.
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Excellent thread topic...


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## discobiscuits (Oct 1, 2009)

wife. Leave & cleve baby!


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## Poohbear (Oct 1, 2009)

The wife should be first in a man's life. You did not mention if the man's mother has a husband. If so, his mother's husband should be taking care of her.


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## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (Oct 1, 2009)

One leave's one family to cleave unto his wife.  But mother-in-law problems are worldwide and even more intensified with old world cultures.  It's about power.  Some don't know when to let up.


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## diadall (Oct 1, 2009)

God
Wife
Mother


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## kbragg (Oct 1, 2009)

Ok who said mother? WHO!?

Definitely WIFE! Man I am soooo glad I have a good Mother In Law


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## Buttercreme (Oct 1, 2009)

Mrs BHF said:


> I know what the Word of God says, but interested in your opinions on the matter.
> 
> *Let's say he has to make a decision to stay in a state near mom or move far away with the wife...* or if he has a mother needs him for *support* ( emotional, financial, whatever )and a wife who needs him also.
> 
> Who should get first preference?


 

Currently going through this


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## Laela (Oct 1, 2009)

that response was priceless... !

Made my day. 


1star said:


> wife. Leave & cleve baby!


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## Laela (Oct 1, 2009)

Hi, Mrs....

ITA.. a man's opinion would be great for a thread like this 

A man shouldn't be caught in any quandary between his mother and his marriage. If he is, his mother doesn't respect nor acknowledge the sanctity of his marriage and has some control -- and that's not fair to the wife. Not at all. In that regard, Time and Space would help. Some people have to learn the hard way to respect people's marriage, ESPECIALLY family. 
He can love her and still put her in check when it comes to his Wife. No IFs ANDs or BUTTs about it. I'm sorry. 




Mrs BHF said:


> Thanks Leala... and what is he (husband), to do if she (mother) does not respect the sanctity of their marriage?
> 
> *Maan, this is one of then few times I wish men were a part of the board would be so interesting to hear men's point of view on this this matter.


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## Highly Favored8 (Oct 1, 2009)

It is the wife. When a husband & wife are joined together in marriage they are no longer two they are one.


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## Laela (Oct 1, 2009)

I'm glad you pointed that out... the in-law problems are all about control on either or even both sides. 






GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I said:


> One leave's one family to cleave unto his wife.  But mother-in-law problems are worldwide and even more intensified with old world cultures. * It's about power.* *Some don't know when to let up.*


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## aribell (Oct 1, 2009)

I do think the biblical answer is wife...generally speaking.  But since there are always those crazy exceptional circumstances, like a mother needing full time care, having no other relatives, etc. I think the man is still obligated to care for her.  This doesn't mean mom comes "first," but he can't abandon his mother's needs because it's not what his wife wants..._assuming it's an actual need rather than a want._  "He that does not care for his own has rejected the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."  Any dissention resulting from him tending to his mother's real needs is the fault of the wife, imo.

Idk, this is why "being willing to care for aging parents" is on my "must-have in a husband" list.  I don't even want to have to go there.


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## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (Oct 1, 2009)

Does this mother have a living spouse who is able to care for her?  If not, is she able to physically care for herself?  He can always mail her money.  He can always call her daily.  He can't always get that great job in another state to support his own family.  If the mother is controlling him emotionally because she doesn't wanna let go, I'd take the job out-of-state and have her visit from time to time.  Is she isn't capable of caring for herself, I'd have her move alongside the family out-of-state if there's no living spouse.  Other than that, I hear orthopedic surgeons specialize in backbone reconstruction. Ahahahaha.


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## Laela (Oct 1, 2009)

Hi, Nicola....

You raise a good point about an ill mom or a mom that needs care; but that's not what I'm referring to about putting his wife first. Even in a situation like that, a man and his wife would have to be in agreement on how to care for his mother and his role in doing so (especially if there are other siblings that can share the burden) *so as not to put a strain on their marriage*.  Now if the wife is so evil as to keep him from taking care of his sick mom, just because, she's just as wrong. Her objection has to be valid and be fair.

But, I've heard of "sick" people using their situation to take advantage or even control their family. That's just as evil.



nicola.kirwan said:


> I do think the biblical answer is wife...generally speaking. But since there are always those crazy exceptional circumstances, like a mother needing full time care, having no other relatives, etc. I think the man is still obligated to care for her. This doesn't mean mom comes "first," but he can't abandon his mother's needs because it's not what his wife wants..._assuming it's an actual need rather than a want._ "He that does not care for his own has rejected the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." Any dissention resulting from him tending to his mother's real needs is the fault of the wife, imo.
> 
> Idk, this is why "being willing to care for aging parents" is on my "must-have in a husband" list. I don't even want to have to go there.


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## joy2day (Oct 1, 2009)

I have a dear friend who has a very controlling MIL. This lady (the mil) had the audacity to ask, (when she found out her son was off from work one day taking his wife to a dr appt), if her (my friend's) mother could come from another state (about 2 hrs away) to take her to the dr appt instead!!!!!erplexed Apparently there was something that the MIL wanted from her son that day, and wifey was in the way! Not only that, but the MIL is the type that when her son is off from work, she thinks that he should be with her, NOT WITH HIS WIFE or just taking care of stuff at home while she is at work! The MIL has questioned choices that they made in their home, as well as why he bought my friend a new piece of jewelry! This to me is bizarre.  How can a woman in good conscience decide that it is ok to stir up this kind of foolishness with her 40 something year old son? He is past grown! It is so wrong of her to even put that kind of turmoil on her son, but I was told by my friend that he did finally have to tell his mom, "look, this is my wife and my life with her; I will not let you get between us!" I think it has been a struggle for this lady, but she is starting to get the picture. 

I am praying for a good MIL!


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## goldielocs (Oct 1, 2009)

My husband and I are already preparing to care for his mother when she can't do for herself. There are no others in the family to look after her and she isn't the best when it comes to money. She's young- mid 50's- so I'm sure we don't have to worry about that for many moons.

My mom is financially stable, but you never know.  Thankfully, we are from the same small town so if we need to move closer to them, both of our mothers will be looked after. 

Other than that, one's wife definately comes first.  Now, when it comes to my grand-daddy (I call him Daddy ) I have to admit that on some levels I'm more devoted to him than my husband.  I know that if something happened to both my grand-daddy and my husband on the same day, I would have a hard time choosing where to go. 

Thankfully, our moving across the country 3,500 miles away from my grand-daddy has helped me cleave to my husband more.  I am definately a "grand- daddy's" girl.


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## LatterGlory (Oct 1, 2009)

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## aribell (Oct 1, 2009)

In addition to having a "care for aging parents clause" in my marriage, I've also made it known to my mother now that evilness will not be tolerated.  She told me once to please tell her if she ever became evil and onery like her mother, and I will surely do that.  (thank goodness she's not like that though!) I'm not a man, of course, but I think the principle still stands.


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## Nice & Wavy (Oct 1, 2009)

When my MIL had knee surgery and couldn't take care of herself or her home, I HELPED HER!  When you get married, you now have more family...it's no longer "his or mine" but ours.  That's oneness....

Even if the MIL isn't who she should be....loving her will cover her because apparently her needs will be more than just "wanting her son" but, she needs Jesus...the One who can keep her spirit and soul at peace.  She is really looking for peace....

My husband and I discussed what would happen if we needed to take care of his mother full-time.  We will do what we have to do together....no other discussion should be had.  I could never look past him and not see his mother....he is an extension of her.

This is JMHO.

Thanks for bringing this important topic up, OP!


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## Shimmie (Oct 1, 2009)

Nice & Wavy said:


> When my MIL had knee surgery and couldn't take care of herself or her home, I HELPED HER! When you get married, you now have more family...it's no longer "his or mine" but ours. That's oneness....
> 
> Even if the MIL isn't who she should be....loving her will cover her because apparently her needs will be more than just "wanting her son" but, she needs Jesus...the One who can keep her spirit and soul at peace. She is really looking for peace....
> 
> ...


 
No JMHO......instead it's beautiful and so like 'Ruth's love for Naomi.  :Rose:


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## Nice & Wavy (Oct 1, 2009)

Shimmie said:


> No JMHO......instead it's beautiful and so like 'Ruth's love for Naomi.  :Rose:


Oh, Shimmie....I so love that story.  Ruth is such an inspiration to me and should be to every wife.

Thank you for the reminder of how special their relationship was :hug:


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## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (Oct 1, 2009)

Mrs BHF said:


> He should not cease from honoring his mother ( and you don't want him to). A man that does not love/honor his mother will not treat his wife well after the honeymoon wears off.
> 
> I know you girls are loving this but remember a wife is to submit her husband.
> 
> .



Aren't they talking about an MIL that actually doesn't like the DIL and is trying to get rid of her so she can be the central gal in his life again?  That's the epitome of selfishness and is unmotherly.  Of course, take care of one's mother...but submit to her selfish desires?  I'd think that G-d would look down very disapproovingly upon the MIL for destroying a sacred union He created.  Honoring mother should never be about stooping to that level.  Where does one make the cut-off between abuse and concern...from both sides?


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## dplyrooted (Oct 1, 2009)

The wife is the most important.


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## LatterGlory (Oct 1, 2009)

__________________________


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## LatterGlory (Oct 1, 2009)

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## Nice & Wavy (Oct 1, 2009)

Mrs BHF said:


> I was waiting for your perspectives Nice&Wavy and Shimmie... as usual very sound. Thanks.
> 
> Life is so much more involved than theory, this is why God admonishes the more mature Christian women to teach the younger how to love their husbands and children.


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## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (Oct 1, 2009)

Mrs BHF said:


> We should overcome evil with good ( much easier to write than do ) but it does work.
> 
> You notice stand is bolded a man must be a man and not allow his mother to steamroll his wife... moral, don't marry a jelly fish make sure he is a vertebrate.



I'm sorry, I didn't quite understand your first sentence except the part about not allowing himself to be steamrolled.  I agree with that.  But I also previously asked if the mother were capable of taking care of herself and if she had a living spouse.  I'd find that situation different.  If she can't take care of herself, I'd have her in my home to take care of her. 

What I do not comprehend is if you're saying that he should be abused by his mother?  Overcoming evil with good...okay...but how exactly?  I think they were asking pragmatically how to fix the situation.  I think we all agree that it's not ideal and that good can overcome evil.  

The mere stress of the situation is wreaking havoc on the wife...while he's praying over it.  If he's harsh with his mother in any way, that's not honoring her (even biblical rebukes).  If he's a pushover, he's dishonoring his wife.  I'd move lol.  I've seen plenty of this kind of thing in the community, btw.  It ain't pretty in the least.  I feel sorry for the women.Little boy never quite left home.


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## Mis007 (Oct 3, 2009)

I voted wife but you have touched on an important issue nicola.Kirwan, as there are now more and more couples looking after aged parents (this goes for both parties).



nicola.kirwan said:


> I do think the biblical answer is wife...generally speaking. But since there are always those crazy exceptional circumstances, like a mother needing full time care, having no other relatives, etc. I think the man is still obligated to care for her. This doesn't mean mom comes "first," *but he can't abandon his mother's needs* because it's not what his wife wants..._assuming it's an actual need rather than a want._ "He that does not care for his own has rejected the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." Any dissention resulting from him tending to his mother's real needs is the fault of the wife, imo.
> 
> Idk, this is why "being willing to care for aging parents" is on my "must-have in a husband" list. I don't even want to have to go there.


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## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (Oct 5, 2009)

I keep waiting on the suggestions for a pragmatic approach to overcoming evil with good when one has such a MIL.  Sit her down and talk it through?  Just allow it?  I think it's determined that this hypothetical MIL is capable of taking care of herself.  So, what is a justified need that would require her son's attention over that of his wife given that scenario?


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## newbiemom (Oct 5, 2009)

I had this problem. It is not for the dil to discuss. It is for the husband to explain to his mother that he will always love and respect her but his new family even if it only consists of his wife and himself is his top priority. His wife is the first woman in his life and she must accept that or risk placing stress on their relationship.


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## Laela (Oct 5, 2009)

OT:

WHAT IN DA world..???



*
Nice&Wavy..* I almost fell outta my chair this morning when I saw your new Siggy!


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## Laela (Oct 5, 2009)

Morning GV,

I'm with you on this... If the MIL has no justification for wanting her son to move to another state other than she doesn't want him to or that she's his mother and he should be close by -- he needs to talk to his Mommy  

Loving someone doesn't mean we have to agree with them or always give them what they want; it's quite the opposite, IMHO, if we grudgingly comply with people's selfish needs, just to placate them. Doing that will harbor resentment.




GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I said:


> I keep waiting on the suggestions for a pragmatic approach to overcoming evil with good when one has such a MIL.  Sit her down and talk it through?  Just allow it?  I think it's determined that this hypothetical MIL is capable of taking care of herself.  So, what is a justified need that would require her son's attention over that of his wife given that scenario?


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## Nice & Wavy (Oct 5, 2009)

Laela said:


> OT:
> 
> WHAT IN DA world..???
> 
> ...


..she is the newest member of LHCF and she is "all natral"


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## aribell (Oct 5, 2009)

I don't know why I tend to be sympathetic toward the mothers, but in thinking about it more I feel like a lot of these problematic situations reflect possessiveness/selfishness on the part of the wife just as much as the mother.  

I wonder if more wives loved their MILs like Ruth loved Naomi if some of these issues would resolve themselves.  You wouldn't have a husband caught in between two women vying for his affections, but rather a man arm and arm with his wife, and the both of them discerning how best to meet his mother's needs and being willing to sacrifice in order to do that.  

Of course, the wife is "rightfully" the priority.  But a lot of times, especially given our mandate as Christians, our rightness isn't the important thing, but love.


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## Laela (Oct 6, 2009)

*In-Law Trouble & the Bible *

   Marriage is the closest, and should be the happiest relationship we know in this life. As Jesus says in. Matthew 19:9, and elsewhere, it is also a relationship that should never be broken except for the extreme disloyalty of fornication. Yet in spite of the closeness of the marriage tie, about one out of every three marriages in our country break up, and a very frequent cause of divorce is the interference of parents or other close relatives interference of which the parents themselves are often unconscious.  
 The reason for this is easy to understand. Family relationships developed over many years ideally are very close and very enduring. Parents by nature love their children. They guide, teach, discipline them, and help form their sense of values, their way of thinking and acting. In a sense, they come to idealize their own children in comparison with those from other homes, who may not have the same sense of values and may not think and act in exactly the same way.  
 Children also by nature love and admire their parents. Over the years, they begin to think and act much as they do, and to have the same sense of values. But when two young people marry, they bring into the new home the cultures from two different families, whose sense of values and ways of thinking and acting may be quite different. In such case, it is easy for the parents of the groom to feel that his bride does not quite meet the standards they had expected in a wife for their son. It is just as easy for the parents of the bride to feel that the young man is not all they had wanted in a husband for their daughter.  
 Furthermore, the young couple who are establishing a new home feel that they have a right to manage it in their own way. But since they come from different family backgrounds, if they are sensitive it is easy for the young wife to feel that her husband's parents interfere with them too much, and for the husband to feel the same way about his wife's parents.  
 Ann Landers has said that "80 per cent of the letters I receive pertaining to in-law problems are complaints against the mother-in-law. And 80 per cent of the mother-in-law beefs are against the husband's mother - not the wife's". Evidently the complaints Mrs. Landers receives are from the young wives, who seem to be more sensitive then their husbands about parental interference. They also identify the husband's mother as the chief trouble maker. Whether such complaints are actually justified or not, they at least breed resentment in the young wives and may start dissension's between them and their husbands.  
 What then is the solution for this conflict of relationships - a conflict which arises from the natural affection of parents for their children and of children for their parents? Jesus himself suggests the solution when, in Matthew 19:4-6, he quotes God's intention when he established the institution of marriage and the home. "Have you not read," he said, "that he who made them in the beginning made them male and female, and said, For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh? So that they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder." Mark 10:9. 
 God's statement places the primary responsibility on the young couple to see that their love and their commitments to each other are always above the commitment to their parents, no matter how deep the family ties may have been. - The term "leave" father and mother, however, does not mean a complete break or abandonment. Instead, Jesus in Mark 7:10-13 states plainly that children are to honor their parents and, when necessary, even support them financially. The establishment of a new home does not release them from this obligation. But the term does mean that the intimate relations which have formerly existed between parents and children must and should change when the children marry.  
 This change places new obligations on both the parents and the children. Naturally, the young couple want to be independent and manage their own home. But they need also to recognize that their parents have a deep interest in them and want to help them to be happy. They might also remember that these parents have had many more years of experience than they have had and might be of help in solving some of their problems. What they may at times consider as criticism or interference in their affairs, they might consider as a perhaps unwise desire of their parents to help them. If there is a difference in point of view, they might be patient and try with love and kindness to win their parents to their view; or, surprisingly, they might see their parents' view the wiser. 
 On the other hand, though parents still have a deep love for their children and want to help them, they should realize that the young couple now have a right to be independent and to work out their own problems. Even though they think the youngsters are making mistakes in managing their home, their children, or their finances, they should be extremely tactful and kind in making suggestions or in giving unasked advice. They should not expect them to do everything exactly as they themselves would do. They should by all means not impose their own views on their children. (I Corinthians 13 (not insist own way). The relationship between parents and the new home should no longer be one of expected obedience, but of warm cooperation, in which each respect the independence and ideas of the other. There cannot be the same closeness of association, the same amount of attention parents have formerly enjoyed, for their children now have other responsibilities which must claim their time and attention.  
 But if both parents and children are Christians, and try to exercise the love and compassion, the kindness and understanding which Jesus always showed for others, there should be no in-law trouble, but both the new and the parental homes will have a mutually happy relationship.


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## Laela (Oct 6, 2009)

*First of all Ruth's husband also had died*. So she too was a widow when she clinged to her MIL to help her instead of  turning her back on Naomi, like her sister in law, Orpah, did. 

Ruth later married Boaz, who is not Naomi's son but a relative of her dead husband's. Ruth and Naomi had always had a very close relationship. 

I'm not trying to justify anything but I will be realistic. It can be a challenge for couples today in which the MIL and daughter barely know each other or haven't had time to cultivate a close relationship.  

I understand and agree that we must love and have compassion for our families; but let's not confuse a wife's rights with that of being a loving Christian, especially if neither woman is a Widow...


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## Shimmie (Oct 6, 2009)

Laela said:


> *First of all Ruth's husband also had died*. So she too was a widow when she clinged to her MIL to help her instead of turning her back on Naomi, like her sister in law, Orpah, did.
> 
> Ruth later married Boaz, who is not Naomi's son but a relative of her dead husband's. Ruth and Naomi had always had a very close relationship.
> 
> ...


Great posts, Laela (both of them)   

This can be a hard call for any family; and it's a case by case situation and decision.    

No wife should ever have to play 'seconds' to anyone or anything in her husband's life.  And thank God for His word which validates this.   

However, our elderly parents cannot be abandoned be they widowed or not; they are so fragile and vunerable and need care; their doctor appointments and medications seem endless.    

I know this firsthand as I am currently caring for my mom, who cannot take care of herself anymore.   She simply cannot.     It's a very stressful expereince because now I am the mother and my mother is as my child.   

While  I still honour and cherish her as my mother,  I can only imagine how stressful it can be for a daugher in law to endure this, yet so many of them lovingly do so; for something still has to done without abandon; even if the mother and/or father in law is not a widow.   

It's a major responsibility, especially if one is working and has other family responsibilities (children, etc.) in addition to providing for the parent's care.   The sacrifices are worth it, but it could bring its toll upon a marriage relationship; especially if the 'parent' is difficult to deal with; such as one with a contensious personality.   That's  stressful to the max.    

Again, it's a case by case situation and it depends on so many, many factors.   I've learned that God provides for whatever the care requires, God surely provides.    

I pray for everyone who may find themselves in this situation that the peace of God prevails in your hearts and minds and that you will have the right answers at the right time and not miss a moment of peace and blessings for each family member involved.   :Rose:

In Jesus' Name, Amen and Amen.


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## lala (Oct 6, 2009)

WIFE.  My MIL did not respect that initially which was a challenge.


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## Supergirl (Oct 6, 2009)

wife all the way!


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## aribell (Oct 6, 2009)

Shimmie said:


> Great posts, Laela (both of them)
> 
> ...
> 
> ...


 
This is all that I meant.  I happen to be close to a number of elderly ladies and, health problems or not, the loneliness that comes with that time can be so profound that it makes me wonder if a lot of what manifests itself as possessiveness, guilt-tripping, etc. isn't a backwards way of asking for more closeness, community, etc.  

So, I'm not questioning the biblical priority of the wife, only asking whether there's a way of thinking about it, a different attitude, that helps to create win-win situations in the family as a whole.


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## Shimmie (Oct 6, 2009)

nicola.kirwan said:


> This is all that I meant. I happen to be close to a number of elderly ladies and, health problems or not, the loneliness that comes with that time can be so profound that it makes me wonder if a lot of what manifests itself as possessiveness, guilt-tripping, etc. isn't a backwards way of asking for more closeness, community, etc.
> 
> So, I'm not questioning the biblical priority of the wife, only asking whether there's a way of thinking about it, a different attitude, that helps to create win-win situations in the family as a whole.


 
My mom has been in the hospital for the past three weeks (as of today) because she needed her medications readjusted and then monitored until it was safe for her to return home.     

My sister and I are with her everyday, it's hard thinking of her being there.    Sadder, is that her roommate has no one who visits her.    She's just as sweet as she can be, yet she has no family or friends who visit.  

Each day I visit my mom, I take something for both of them.  My sister gave both of them a manicure last weekend.    These are things that we normally do with our mom, on a regular basis.   She's never alone.  

I can't begin to imagine how fearful and lonely an elderly person can be; especially since they become less mobile and unable to go out and travel, if only to the grocery store, on their own.     

The wife is still first and personally, I won't have it any other way.  Yet for either of our parents, it is my prayer that we always have the heart to keep them embraced with our love and active care.


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## mrselle (Oct 6, 2009)

nicola.kirwan said:


> This is all that I meant.  I happen to be close to a number of elderly ladies and, health problems or not, the loneliness that comes with that time can be so profound that it makes me wonder if a lot of what manifests itself as possessiveness, guilt-tripping, etc. isn't a backwards way of asking for more closeness, community, etc.
> 
> So, I'm not questioning the biblical priority of the wife, only asking whether there's a way of thinking about it, a different attitude, that helps to create win-win situations in the family as a whole.



I can see where you are coming from on this.  For years my MIL and I went through a battle.  It started shortly after DH and I started dating and became progressively worse over the years.  A few months ago she and I had a huge blow up.  Once we got the apologies out of the way I really listened to what she had to say and I realized that at the heart of it all was a very sad and lonely woman who felt like she’d lost the love of her life (she describes her son as the love of her life).  To add insult to injury, my stepdaughter, her granddaughter, the little girl who would sometimes called her mom and would lean on her shoulder and tell her secrets, started calling me mom and telling me secrets.  She took her insecurities out on me and I was a little too immature to look beneath the surface.  So, I think you’re right; a lot of times it does stem from loneliness.  It doesn’t make it right, but it does help when someone can look beyond the comments and rude behavior and get to the source.  

A lot of times I think the best way to handle it is with love.  Whenever I’m in a bad mood, my husband is extra loving towards me and gives me lots of hugs and kisses.  I joke with him and say that he is trying to love the hell out of me….literally.  We laugh and joke about it, but I think it’s true.  To just love the person sounds so simple, but it’s not always easy to do.


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## Shimmie (Oct 6, 2009)

mrselle said:


> I can see where you are coming from on this. For years my MIL and I went through a battle. It started shortly after DH and I started dating and became progressively worse over the years. A few months ago she and I had a huge blow up. Once we got the apologies out of the way I really listened to what she had to say and I realized that at the heart of it all was a very sad and lonely woman who felt like she’d lost the love of her life (she describes her son as the love of her life). To add insult to injury, my stepdaughter, her granddaughter, the little girl who would sometimes called her mom and would lean on her shoulder and tell her secrets, started calling me mom and telling me secrets. She took her insecurities out on me and I was a little too immature to look beneath the surface. So, I think you’re right; a lot of times it does stem from loneliness. It doesn’t make it right, but it does help when someone can look beyond the comments and rude behavior and get to the source.
> 
> A lot of times I think the best way to handle it is with love. Whenever I’m in a bad mood, my husband is extra loving towards me and gives me lots of hugs and kisses. I joke with him and say that he is trying to love the hell out of me….literally. We laugh and joke about it, but I think it’s true. To just love the person sounds so simple, but it’s not always easy to do.


Mrselle, you are a beautiful portrait of Victorious :Rose:


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## Shimmie (Oct 6, 2009)

Nice & Wavy said:


> ..she is the newest member of LHCF and she is "all natral"


  My MIL.... "Henna Sooq"


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## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (Oct 6, 2009)

Then what should the dil and son do in this case if the mother is capable of taking care of herself?  Should they move?  Ask her to move along with them???  Pragmatically in this particular situation where she is healthy and capable and perhaps has a spouse, what should the kids do?  I'd really like to know because I have a certain reason for asking.


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## Shimmie (Oct 6, 2009)

GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I said:


> Then what should the dil and son do in this case if the mother is capable of taking care of herself? Should they move? Ask her to move along with them??? Pragmatically in this particular situation where she is healthy and capable and perhaps has a spouse, what should the kids do? I'd really like to know because I have a certain reason for asking.


I believe the key in this is for the husband and wife to make a 'prayerful' accessment of their parent's stability, health and safety.   And then go from there.  

There are a great number of the elderly who live alone and are well able to do so.  Some can out run a marathon... no kidding.  

Each situation varies.  So that's where a prayerful accessment comes in to determine if / what the elder parent(s) may need.   To have a 'plan' in the event that they do need care in the future.    

If the couple is moving out of state, it's advisable to make sure that the parents have Long Term Care insurance and if necessary pay the cost for the parents.   To also do research on Assisted Living Care in the event that it's needed.  

In many states, the elderly can apply for Medical Assistance Long Term Care which will pay for Assisted Living for them.  It is also crucial for the elderly parent(s) to designate a Power of Attorney, a trusted family member to handle their Medical Decisions (Advanced Medical POA); Finances (Financial POA) and to have a living will as well as instructions whether or not to resusitate in the event that it becomes necessary.    

I'll be honest, as the 'Children' we eventually DO become the parent to our parents.  So there is a role reversal where we need to have all of this in order, meaning full knowledge about their medical, financial and end of life decisions to be prepared when that time comes.  

The hardest thing about this is 'desire', for though it may be a cliche', it' still rings true, that where there's a 'Will' (a desire), there's a way.  And God does lead the way and with total provision. 

I'm sorry to have taken this thread topic this far, perhaps we need a spin off.   My heartfelt apologies to the OP.   :Rose:


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## momi (Oct 6, 2009)

Shimmie said:


> I believe the key in this is for the husband and wife to make a 'prayerful' accessment of their parent's stability, health and safety. And then go from there.
> 
> ..............................
> _I'm sorry to have taken this thread topic this far, perhaps we need a spin off. My heartfelt apologies to the OP_. :Rose:


 

Too far?  I dont think so... this is something that every married or engaged couple needs to discuss.  If we are so blessed, it will be a natural progression.  This is a very necessary topic and you are right - provisions need to be made before hand.  My husband and I are already discussing the need for an in-law suite in our next home for his mother (my mother is in heaven and already has a suite!).  His sister knows that we have agreed to be the ones to provide a home for her, and she will assist with her daily care and activities.  Mind you  - she is healthy and is showing no sign of slowing down.


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## Shimmie (Oct 6, 2009)

momi said:


> Too far? I dont think so... this is something that every married or engaged couple needs to discuss. If we are so blessed, it will be a natural progression.
> 
> This is a very necessary topic and you are right - provisions need to be made before hand. My husband and I are already discussing the need for an in-law suite in our next home for his mother (my mother is in heaven and already has a suite!). His sister knows that we have agreed to be the ones to provide a home for her, and she will assist with her daily care and activities. Mind you - she is healthy and is showing no sign of slowing down.


Thanks Momi.  The reality is that we who still have a living parent or parents, have to face the reality that this a fact of life that we have to prepare for.  

I pray your MIL stays healthy and strong until Jesus comes.  I wish this for everyone.  I pray that there will be no stress but only the best of times being spent enjoying and loving one another as Family.  :Rose:


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## Essensual (Oct 6, 2009)

...leave and cleave.


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## Laela (Oct 6, 2009)

Beautfiully said... 

It's all in the couple's planning together, in one accord. If they aren't in one accord, it won't happen. 



Shimmie said:


> I believe the key in this is for the husband and wife to make a 'prayerful' accessment of their parent's stability, health and safety.   And then go from there.
> 
> There are a great number of the elderly who live alone and are well able to do so.  Some can out run a marathon... no kidding.
> 
> ...


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## LatterGlory (Oct 7, 2009)

_________________


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## Aviah (Oct 7, 2009)

Mrs BHF said:


> For all my single sisters think very carefully about who you accept as your husband... I read this a book when I was a single (I'm paraphrasing) *don't marry a man who is a church goer or a man that loves you, marry a man that loves God*.
> 
> The wisdom behind this is that a man that loves God though humble is strong enough to *stand* for God's word which includes cleaving to wife and leaving the apron strings of his mother.
> 
> ...


 
Slightly OT: 
I agree with the bolded, but some people do have character flaws in that they LOVE God (directly), but have a hard time with the love your neighbor/wife part of loving Him.  Its important to be both a God-loving man, and a wife-loving husband!

In response to the thread I agree with many ladies here, the wife is first, but in extenuating circumstances the family should come together to help each other (in this case MIL) out.


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## music-bnatural-smile (Oct 7, 2009)

Not really off topic, but you gotta look at the relationship between mother and son before getting married... that alone will derail MANY issues...


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## Shimmie (Oct 7, 2009)

Mrs BHF said:


> :blowkiss:No apologies or spin off necessary Shimmie, like Momi said this is a topic that many singles and married folks don't discuss enough .
> 
> My hope is that we learn and share in this thread so that when/if the issues arise it won't hit like  and there is room to deal with this aspect of life with wisdom and in a godly fashion.


 
Right back at you Mrs. *B*eautiful *H*eart and *F*ull of God....  :blowkiss:

*But HEY! * Who voted for MOM in the poll? 

One person out of all of the other voters and we get a "mama's boy or girl'...   or maybe it was someone's _Mother in Law_ who's lurking in this thread.


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## Laela (Oct 7, 2009)

Awwww.. dont' let that one vote get ya. 
..but it does stick out like a sore thumb. too funny... 




Shimmie said:


> Right back at you Mrs. *B*eautiful *H*eart and *F*ull of God....  :blowkiss:
> 
> *But HEY! * Who voted for MOM in the poll?
> 
> One person out of all of the other voters and we get a "mama's boy or girl'...   or maybe it was someone's _Mother in Law_ who's lurking in this thread.


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## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (Oct 7, 2009)

previous deleted...........................just needed an actual solution, actual advice for someone already in this situation.  Maybe they'll confront at the risk of being dishonorable of the mil.


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## LatterGlory (Oct 9, 2009)

________________________


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## Shimmie (Oct 9, 2009)

Mrs BHF said:


> Awww shucks Shimmie :Blush2:.
> 
> I wish he/she would come forward and explain why they voted this way it would add to the interest of the thread.
> 
> ...


 
 @    They'll never come out.

I wouldn't.   I wanna keep my hair length.    

Whoever it is we 'love' them anyway.


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## LatterGlory (Oct 10, 2009)

_________________


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## DivaD04 (Oct 11, 2009)

i find it odd that 1.96% simply 2 people would vote mom.....i suspect these two are obviously not married b/c i'll be ---doggon it if i came 2nd in dh's life. i refuse to take the back seat in our car let alone his life...especially when i said i do! 
you lonesome 2 come forward! and yes, you're going to need a dc when i get done!


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## Shimmie (Oct 11, 2009)

DivaD04 said:


> i find it odd that 1.96% simply 2 people would vote mom.....i suspect these two are obviously not married b/c i'll be ---doggon it if i came 2nd in dh's life. i refuse to take the back seat in our car let alone his life...especially when i said i do!
> you lonesome 2 come forward! and yes, you're going to need a dc when i get done!


TWO?  Last time I looked t'was only one.  

Now two?    

Well howdy-do  whoever you are, you two ...


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## DivaD04 (Oct 11, 2009)

they're alright, they should know that.


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## Celestial (Oct 12, 2009)

Wife should go before mother.


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## Crown (Oct 21, 2009)

If a man can not put his wife at first, then he has to stay with Mommy or alone ! Don't marry.

What is the purpose of the marriage if another woman (mom, sister, friend) is in balance with the wife ?

But, we all need wisdom and love to manage some situations.


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## Laela (Nov 10, 2009)

This is true..speaking of marriage. It's not a one size fits all. ITA wisdom and love are essential when dealing with some situations. Some may need more of God's strength than others, when dealing with in-laws.   But through God.. anything is possible!



Crown said:


> If a man can not put his wife at first, then he has to stay with Mommy or alone ! Don't marry.
> 
> What is the purpose of the marriage if another woman (mom, sister, friend) is in balance with the wife ?
> 
> But, we all need wisdom and love to manage some situations.


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## Celestial (Nov 13, 2009)

Crown said:


> If a man can not put his wife at first, then he has to stay with Mommy or alone ! Don't marry.
> 
> What is the purpose of the marriage if another woman (mom, sister, friend) is in balance with the wife ?
> 
> But, we all need wisdom and love to manage some situations.


 
Thanks for this. I don't know why people think the mother goes first as if children owe their parents because they don't. Once you are married your priority is to your husband or wife and children, if you have any. The mother is no longer part of the immediate family.


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## Prudent1 (Nov 13, 2009)

Celestial said:


> Thanks for this. I don't know why people think the mother goes first as if children owe their parents because they don't. Once you are married your priority is to your husband or wife and children, if you have any. The mother is no longer part of the immediate family.


 It's sad but a lot of parents do think their kids owe them.   As adult children we are to honor ,respect, and love our parents. Little children obey, we honor. In a loving relationship of any nature there should not be any record keeping of debts owed. 
1Cor 13-4:7
*4*Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. *5*It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, *it keeps no record of wrongs.* *6*Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. *7*It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.


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## Mamita (Nov 18, 2009)

I'm engaged to a "favorite" son.

Have lil problems with the MIL AND SIL, they're so possesive lol mama is saved, but boy she can't let her mom's side keep quiet lol

like, just engaged, if he buys me a piece of jewelry (not even engagement ring, just a ring) he has to buy these two gifts too FIRST lol

no idea how annoying it is, he's 30 next year lol he says once married they know they'll have to start working on liking me cause they know it's forever...

still it's stressful. He is a family man, so am i in a way concerning my mother, but we did have to adress stuff like how close we should live to his fam, how many days a week we'll see them (not counting service and bible study) etc... 

I'll be leaving my homeland, i'll need my husband lol

Gotta pray hard, but He'll give me the desires of my heart and that's a nice not too mean MIL and SIL... sigh

My answer though will be it should be a balance, yes wife first, but ideally wife and MIL should at least tolerate each other. and meanness coming from either of the two should be adressed, and that means hubby's MIL and FIL too lol

PS in our case, she's healthy and not widowed, and her husband, my FIL is our preacher, thank God he puts her back in her place when she goes too far lol


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## LatterGlory (Nov 20, 2009)

______________


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## Laela (Nov 23, 2009)

Well congrats on your impending nuptials! 

I hope everything works out for good, for both sides.  



Mamita said:


> I'm engaged to a "favorite" son.
> 
> Have lil problems with the MIL AND SIL, they're so possesive lol mama is saved, but boy she can't let her mom's side keep quiet lol
> 
> ...


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## Mamita (Nov 24, 2009)

Thank youuuuu Laela,

It should lol we're doing it God's way, both waiting to get the Holy Ghost before anything, not living together nothing, i was a stonecold sinner when we met, he had just gotten baptised and started seeking, 4 years later long distance we're going for it, and only with the Lord's blessing. we do believe we were meant for each other.

He's been stirred a whole lot lately, no peace, made him pray hard, we all feel it's getting close for him, and we think for me too, had a humbling experience not long ago.

So we trust it will all go fine, even with the visa papers that are a real loooong pain in the butt lol


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## Mamita (Nov 24, 2009)

Mrs BHF said:


> If your mother is concerned I am concerned.
> 
> Does not sound like he is leaving them to cleave to you *yet* .
> 
> ...



i think there's a misunderstanding lol

i'm not making my mother concerned, i am, also, a family woman, concerning my mother lol

well he's still living at home for now lol so yeah he's not living them lol but i think it's more a matter of jaleous mom and sister than anything really major. they know once we say "i do" it's a whole other ball game lol

and he knows i'll be his help meet/partner in crime/everything lol


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## Uber (Dec 24, 2009)

I think that my husband would  always tend to his mother if she is unwell. He'd  tend to my mother if she was unwell. if I tried to argue there'd be trouble he'd feel as if i was being selfish towards others. I've come to learn that my hubbie would drop everything to help others.

However rather than to get annoyed about it and argue. I accept him for who he is. And I take the attitude that it is my responsibilty to build the home. So i always do things to make sure that my husband puts us first in most things. I also remind my hubbie that we must be first and he has come to realise that. He has said himself that God first then family. Now he even puts us first before his choir duties if necessary.

i say us becuase sometimes putting the wife first includes kids. although i expect hubbie to put me first before kids and the same would go for me.


that;s my opinion on the discussion anyway


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## Uber (Dec 24, 2009)

Having read the other posts, just to add to mine. there are different types of mother -in-laws that are exceptionally needy. and there are husbands who are always helpful to eeeevvvvverrryyyone. 

But there needs to be balance. due to cultural reasons i'll have no problem if my hubbie wanted to support his mother in any way at all. God also asks to be mindful of the poor, widows, the elderly etc etc so there needs to be a balance. i think both parties husband and wife should remember that.

whilst i think a wife comes first I also think that a wife should take things into perspective.


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## Choirgirl (Jan 14, 2010)

nicola.kirwan said:


> In addition to having a "care for aging parents clause" in my marriage, I've also made it known to my mother now that evilness will not be tolerated.  She told me once to please tell her if she ever became evil and onery like her mother, and I will surely do that.  (thank goodness she's not like that though!) I'm not a man, of course, but I think the principle still stands.




I'm also dealing with aging parents.  They demand a great deal from DH.  Even when they were younger and more capable, his whole family -older brothers and sisters expected him to disregard our marriage for whatever needs they had... we hardly have any down time.  It can be frustrating, but I try to be patient and understanding.

I voted wife.


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## Preezie (Jan 14, 2010)

The wife. These was one that my ex- just couldn't understand.  Then again, his mother did not raise him in the church so everything he was learning about Christianity was as an adult and it was a challenge.


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## Deszdamona (Jan 20, 2010)

goldielocs said:


> My husband and I are already preparing to care for his mother when she can't do for herself. There are no others in the family to look after her and she isn't the best when it comes to money. She's young- mid 50's- so I'm sure we don't have to worry about that for many moons.
> 
> My mom is financially stable, but you never know. Thankfully, we are from the same small town so if we need to move closer to them, both of our mothers will be looked after.
> 
> ...


 

I'm a grand daddy's girl too!


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## God's Anointed (Jan 27, 2010)

Def choosing wife.  Otherwise, God isn't that third cord in the marriage anymore.  It's the mother, and we know that can only lead to disaster down the road.


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## CurlyMoo (Feb 25, 2010)

HIS WIFE! Mom will not bear his offspring. She gave him life and nutured him (I hope) But she is not the woman he will grow old with, share his soul with and bear his legacy.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Apr 18, 2010)

The Bible does say that two people become one in marriage, but the Bible also says honor your mother and father.  Having said that, I think it depends on the situation.  

My mom died when I was 22, and now my father is in an assisted living facility and he isn't doing well. Should I ever get married and my dad is still alive, I will not be moving anywhere and I would expect my husband to respect that.  I think it can be applicable on the other side as well.   One of the initial questions posed in this thread was about whether the husband should stay near his mom or move far away with the wife.  In my opinion, the answer is a given: he should stay near his mother.


It has been my experience that spouses who harp on the stuff about cleaving and leaving are really doing so because they don't like the in-laws anyway and they use that as an excuse.  Not to mention that I would wonder why a man would want to be married to a woman who is so heartless that she would be more concerned about her desires than his ailing mother.  Besides, since two become one, HIS mother is now YOUR mother as well.  

This of course is different from allowing the mother to interfere and run the marriage.  That is not acceptable.


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## *crystal* (Apr 27, 2010)

Mrs BHF said:


> I know what the Word of God says, but interested in your opinions on the matter.
> 
> Let's say he has to make a decision to stay in a state near mom or move far away with the wife... or if he has a mother needs him for support ( emotional, financial, whatever )and a wife who needs him also.
> 
> Who should get first preference?



Unless mom is sick or needs care and there is no other help available, the wife's needs come first. Financial needs can be met long distance, emotional voids are meant to be filled by GOD and with any fulfilling relationships HE would bless mom with.


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## ToyToy (May 3, 2010)

I think the wife. Man leaves his home to cleave to his wife, not the mother.


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## Amour (Jul 4, 2010)

*re: the 2010 wedding thread*

I would like to see the responses of this question, if it were put on a male christian board.

I would hope the answers would be the same. But it would be interesting to hear the reasonings for the answer.


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## diadall (Jul 29, 2010)

Wow.  Three people voted for moms.


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