# My Black Son Sold “n-word Passes” To His White Friends



## Kanky (Jul 17, 2020)

*My Black Son Sold “N-Word Passes” to His White Friends*
*His sister thinks he’s made almost $1,000.*
By JAMILAH LEMIEUX
JULY 15, 20202:01 



_Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? __Submit it here__ or post it in the __Slate Parenting Facebook group__._

*Dear Care and Feeding,*

Eleven years ago, my husband and I started fostering a sister and brother,“Taylor” and “Martin,” and we adopted them a year later. Our daughter was 5, and our son was an infant, but they are now 16 and 11 and are smart, kind, and mostly well-behaved kids. My husband and I are white, and they are Black, but we’ve done our best to have honest, age-appropriate discussions on race, our privilege, and how messed up the systematic oppression and racism in our country is. I thought we had done an OK job … until yesterday.

Taylor asked us after dinner if she could talk to us in private and showed us screenshots a friend had sent her. Apparently, Martin has been selling “N-word passes” to kids at his middle school for $20-50! It’s been going on for weeks, and he had offered it to Taylor’s friend’s sister, who screenshot it and sent it to Taylor. They go to diverse schools for our area, but there are still a lot of white/non-Black kids there. Taylor told us that kids have been sending Martin money via Venmo, and she thinks he’s made almost $1,000. My husband and I are shocked and angry, and we don’t know what to do. Martin’s actions must have made his fellow Black classmates upset and uncomfortable, and I feel like a horrible mother and person. I thought we did a good job, but we must have done something wrong. We need to give him consequences, but I don’t know how extreme to go. Right now, I’m leaning toward taking away device privileges for a long, long time and confiscating the money. What else can or should we do? How do we confront him about this and apologize and tell other parents?

—Mortified Mom

*Dear MM,*

While I certainly understand why you are embarrassed and disappointed, it’s difficult to prevent kids from using inappropriate language in general, and it’s not surprising that a Black child would feel a sense of ownership and/or entitlement to use the word as he sees fit in spite of what his parents say, especially considering that you will never have the same relationship to the term that he does. There’s also something hilarious and brilliant, if also naïve and shortsighted, about him getting paid for something that was going to happen anyway.

What Martin must understand is that while some of his classmates have played along with this charade, none of them who purchased his “passes” were actually waiting for anyone’s permission to say “n-gga.” Furthermore, as they are unable to access the experiences that come with _being_ a “n-gga,” he ought to spend some serious time considering that while he can pretend as though he is giving his friends access to one of the “fun” parts of being Black, they will be spared the disenfranchisement and toll that comes with this identity—which should bother him. Why do these kids want to use that word so badly? And how would he feel if other Black people, particularly Black elders, heard them speak in such a way?

The current socio-political climate offers no shortage of examples as to why white people do not deserve the privilege of using the N-word, nor the ability to decide that Black people should not be able to use it. You have every right to ban it in your home and to teach your kids that it is an ugly word with an ugly history; however, Black people have an infinitely more complex relationship to the term, and he’ll have to learn how to grapple with that without doing something that could cause harm to other Black folks and/or his friends who were “waiting” for permission to use it.

Hopefully, there is a Black adult in Martin’s life—a godparent, a neighbor, etc.—whom he is close enough to that they can help you with this conversation. It sounds like Martin needs a reminder as to how “n—as” are treated by our society and why he has very little to gain and a lot to lose from cheapening his people’s experiences to make a quick buck. It would be ideal for him to hear that from someone who has experienced the anti-Blackness that brought the word to life in the first place. Your son must understand that regardless of how much he trusts these white friends of his, who are so eager to use the N-word (in front of him) that they’ll _pay_ for the privilege, empowering them to do so is a betrayal of the Black folks who would be upset at such a thing—aka the majority of Black people.

Find out how the other Black kids at his school have reacted to this business, as there may need to be some healing done. Also, what is Martin’s relationship to them? If he and his sister are not regularly finding themselves in a community with children who look like them, then that is something you’ll have to address. Black kids who don’t have healthy social interactions with other Black kids have a world of trouble waiting for them.

As far as folks who purchased the pass, tell their parents ASAP. Good luck to whomever has to explain to _those _kids why they can’t say the N-word—which, again, they were probably saying as they saw fit any damn way. And good luck to you, for this isn’t an easy challenge to deal with. Oh, and donate the money to a bail support fund for Black Lives Matter protesters or another organization that is doing anti-racist work.


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## Shimmie (Jul 17, 2020)

Clutching my pearls ... reaching for smelling salts ...  

Okay, now that my initial shock is over, he’s grounded until he ‘gets it’, that no amount of money is worth being called the ‘n’ word, by anyone...period.


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## Leeda.the.Paladin (Jul 18, 2020)

I’m so confused. Were the passes to be used just around this one child or was it school wide? I have never in my life heard of a kid doing this.


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## Ganjababy (Jul 18, 2020)

I think he’s going to grow up to be a rich but unscrupulous business man lol.


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## Tibbar (Jul 20, 2020)

When interracial adoption goes wrong...


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## awhyley (Jul 21, 2020)

Ganjababy said:


> I think he’s going to grow up to be a rich but unscrupulous business man lol.



Yeah, if they don't curve in that "entrepreneurial spirit", he goin straight to jail.


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## free2bme (Jul 21, 2020)

This kid is a hustler, he knew his white friends were gonna use the n-word regardless so he just cashed in on their white guilt. I'm not mad at him, I wish I was that wiley when I was his age.

At one point, the Catholic church used to sell tickets to get into heaven called indulgences. It's the same hustle as far as I'm concerned.


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## Everything Zen (Jul 22, 2020)

^^^^ YOOOOO!!!!! I forgot about that!!!! Indulgences


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## free2bme (Jul 22, 2020)

Leeda.the.Paladin said:


> I’m so confused. Were the passes to be used just around this one child or was it school wide? I have never in my life heard of a kid doing this.



This kid couldn't give a damn who you said it to or when you said it. He was just trying to get paid.

Maybe I'm just perverse but I find the whole thing humorous. Only the dumb racist kids got burnt, this kid capitalized on their racism. If you're looking to use the n-word by any means necessary maybe you need to be parted from your money.


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## snoop (Jul 22, 2020)

So were these kids planning on using these passes with him or with anyone?  Maybe he was setting them up to get beats...


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## prettywhitty (Jul 22, 2020)

free2bme said:


> This kid couldn't give a damn who you said it to or when you said it. He was just trying to get paid.
> 
> Maybe I'm just perverse but I find the whole thing humorous. Only the dumb racist kids got burnt, this kid capitalized on their racism. If you're looking to use the n-word by any means necessary maybe you need to be parted from your money.


A fool and his money are easily parted.


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## Ganjababy (Aug 7, 2020)

This kid reminded me of my cousin. He is very mercenary, from a young age.

So many examples. I will share one. When he was 12 he was hanging with some 16 year old girls. We were perplexed and a tad worried. Like what were 16 year olds doing with a 12 year old every evening? It turned out the 16 year olds were paying him to hang with him in his house so that they could be around his 2 older, very popular brothers.

He bought his first house before he was 25. Soon after his gf moved in. Before she moved in he drew up a rental contract stating that she was his tenant (not true) in case she decided to claim half of his worldly possessions as a common-law-wife. The girl was desperate enough to go along with it and no black woman harmed. so we kept out of it. 

After being his “tenant” for 10? or so years he allowed her to buy a house with him and they moved in together into that house while his other properties are all still in his name only. He also just finished his mba.


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## Reinventing21 (Aug 8, 2020)

@Ganjababy re your cousin:

I am  and at the same time...I just can't decide whether to be mortified or impressed


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## luckiestdestiny (Oct 4, 2020)

First I had to research the author. Thank goodness she's black because she was throwing around the N word too easy and I don't care if it's the ga variation. After I corrected my side eye upon that discovery and went back to the article, I think the author has some valid points. I mean, while they were trying to be oh so good as the parents of black children (which I assume they were empowered to adopt due to trends of celebrities like Charlize Theron whom I side so hard my eyes want to fall off at times), they probably forgot to expose them to other black people. That's part of the problem right there.

No matter whether some see it as funny or the child as finding a creative way to make money, point blank they have sold themselves and their people down the river.  They can think they have played others, but they've played themselves. It's not just about how creative a kid is at creating wealth or hustling, it's about _what they do.  Our actions overtime create our character and that matters. Just ask Amarosa who tried to sell her ppl down the river with Trump. I'm sure she'd love to sell him a N word package. GET MONEY, right? _Or dude who I'm sure thinks he's just doing his job as the head Negroe in charge of the Breonna case. Get money right because hey it's all about strategic moves.  Nope.  What we do matters and it creates the type of people we turn out to be and that in turn changes the world in ways we cannot conceive..

We can ignore and say it's not our fault, doesn't matter, or give them a wink and laugh but in the end when one of these types goes on to do unspeakable acts that lead to the destruction of our ppl on various levels while reinforcing long held beliefs or empowering other wp to continue their prejudice ways...we gasp and act shocked, wondering how someone could turn out like that. The big picture always matters. And it matters more in shaping youth where things can change. And sure they can end up harmless like Kanye or worse like the other examples or on a smaller level but they are still hurting themselves and their ppl.

They (including this kid) need to redirect their energy and their moral compass as well as their belief in themselves _and their people. _ I'm willing to bet that this child feels some kind of way towards bp to do this to  themselves and their people. As for his parents to change the trajectory requires finding some _quality _black mentors instead of just spouting some "I believe we're all the same" or "I see no color" b.s that just causes crap like this to happen because guess what? There's nothing wrong with seeing color, it's the thinking that it makes a person inferior where the problem lies. Color and cultures make the world an interesting place.

With that said, I don't necessarily blame them entirely because even with mentors this could happen. But it's how they redirect now that matters. And they can put their entrepreneurial spirit into other endeavors that uplift instead of derail the culture. And I'd definitely have him working for some type of not for profit that benefits bp, if not helping him to create one where he can direct his energy. Since he has so much energy that he's creating venmo accounts, he can use that energy to work on social media campaigns for black lives matters to fundraise or work for his local office in politics for someone working in civil rights. The parents can spend time looking into that while they are busy finding mentors, these places can provide the examples he needs meanwhile.   He can spend his spare time on that instead of hanging with friends who are dying to say the N word. I will say though that kids pick up not only on language but energy and so they need to question what they're putting out there.

And the writer also pointed out the most important thing to ask him: why are your friends so interested in saying the word that they're willing to pay for it? Why would you ever consider those type friends or be okay with that? And of course I'd take into consideration how it makes him feel because I'm certain that underneath it must hurt to know and realize the racism that is prevalent which I'm sure that the white parents have lectured about but definitely haven't experienced as this kid has.  Again this is where some black mentors would come into place. And perhaps they can also find time to place him in counseling with a black counselor (please let's start there) so that he can have a place to discuss these issues with someone who can understand his perspective and confusion.   So let's hope they already have some mentors in place if they really thought color doesn't matter (right? Then they should have some black close friends and mentors who interact with the kid or is their world all white except the kids and that  is all b.s ).

So my solution isn't punishment, it's being proactive.

Find another creative way for him to make money utilizing his entrepreneurial skills that contains a component that empowers his people or is just a way to make money that doesn't harm anyone, including his ppl because he obviously wants to make money in creative ways.
And also in addition find a charity/political activity with black mentors perhaps where he can work in social media or fundraising (since he's already good at promotion and fundraising  ) as companies love working with the youth even as interns. Raise funds for a local civil rights branch, work with a local political/civil rights branch, etc.  Yes part time, perhaps from home for now as it's a pandemic and he'll have to zoom with other bp mentors but it's a start until this covid situation is over.
  And also find a good _black _psychologist/psychiatrist not as a punishment but so that he has someone else to bounce all the ideas and issues he is going through who can understand through a unique safe environment as he does not have any black faces which completely can understand his perspective or empathize with what he's going through.
0h and if it isn't obvious, he needs to reassess the friendships with those who bought passes. He'll be too busy with other activities as of late anyways  .


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