# I'm 23 And I Know I Don't Want Kids—stop Telling Me I'll Change My Mind'



## brownb83 (Nov 28, 2018)

_According to a new report from the CDC, the number of women age 20 to 24 giving birth has fallen 4 percent since 2016 to a record low of 71 per 1,000. While some millennials are putting off motherhood, others don’t want children now or later—and Khaliha Hawkins is one of them. Here’s her story, as told to Juno DeMelo._

My 11-year-old sister was born when I was a freshman in high school. Being around for her birth and watching my parents—who both had full-time, demanding jobs—raise her, I was like, Yeah, that’s not for me.

Don’t get me wrong: Of course I love and care about my sister, and I still babysit her. But my parents were straight-up with me about how expensive child care is, and I was flabbergasted. And even though my mom had great insurance when she was pregnant, I was in shock about how much my sister’s birth cost.

I also know that you have to have a lot of patience to be a parent, and my tolerance for ******** is low! I have friends who stop what they’re doing when they see babies, who have always dreamt about being parents, and that’s just not me.

People ask me all the time whether I want kids. I’m usually hesitant to tell them I don’t, because then they ask why, and I don’t feel like I need to give them an explanation. If I do respond, I simply say no and leave it at that. If you’re not my partner or a close friend or family member, it’s none of your business.

"I know that you have to have a lot of patience to be a parent, and my tolerance for ******** is low!"

I have a really large family, and they bring it up every Thanksgiving. My mom always says you should have kids early so it’s easier on you and your body and so you can grow together, and I’m like, no! I can’t imagine it happening, but if I somehow decide down the road that I want to be a mother, I would adopt.

Even though I’ve been warned that supposedly every man wants a child, I’ve actually been set up with a guy based on the fact that he also didn’t want kids. I’m not dating anyone right now. If I did meet someone, I’d make sure to bring up the fact that I don’t want kids before things got serious.

Obviously I’m on birth control, the importance of which was drilled into me early on. I used to be on acne medication, and I didn’t want to have to remember to take multiple pills every day, so I use a hormonal birth control I don’t have to think about as often.

I know how much you have to sacrifice to be a parent. Some of my friends think I’d be a great mom because I’m so passionate, but I’m passionate about art and politics and my career, not children! People always say it’s selfish to not want kids, whereas I feel like it’s the exact opposite. It would be selfish of me to bring a child into this world knowing I’ve had these convictions for so long.


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## Prudent1 (Nov 28, 2018)

No, problems here. Don't get pregnant please and while she may not change her mind later in life (which is perfectly fine IMO) about kids she is in her 20s..I belly laugh at my mindset from my 20s at this point in life. She has no real personal point of reference through no fault of her own for life beyond 20+ and as such her thoughts period (not just about kids) seem completely rational. In the words of my dad, keep living sweetie. You _should _learn something with each passing decade and be all the wiser for it .
Her parents/friends/people should respect her choice. There are already too many moms and dads who made babies but aren't taking care of them out there. I don't think it's selfish to not want kids at all. Everything is not for everybody. It's tragic when you learn this after the positive pregnancy test.


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## SoniT (Nov 28, 2018)

She may change her mind later but even if she doesn't, no judgment from me. Not all women want to be mothers and that's OK. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.


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## BlueEra (Nov 28, 2018)

Yeah....I feel her. I was around her age when I decided that kids were not for me. People would always say, "you'll change your mind when you have them." Over 10+ years later, I'm still adamant about not wanting kids, and people still continue to say, "you'll change your mind when..." I will not change my mind. I don't want kids. I don't like kids. I won't have kids. 

Some women know early on they don't want kids, and there's nothing wrong with that. Some women think they don't want kids and change their minds eventually, and there's nothing wrong with that either.  Some women think they DO want children and change their mind eventually, and so forth... 

A lot of women fold under pressure and conform to the idea of motherhood to try to appease to societal standards because that's what many people say is a woman's "purpose." Then, they wind up miserable and sometimes resentful, and there's a whole slew of dysfunctional issues that arise as well. 

It's sad and unfortunate on both sides: how many women are often scrutinized and judged for making the decision to not have kids, and also how many women who know in their hearts that motherhood is not for them yet have children anyway and harbor ill feelings and resentment.


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## lesedi (Nov 28, 2018)

Parents nag 23-year-olds to have kids? That is so bizarre to me!I don't recall anyone asking me about whether I wanted to have kids when I was that age, but when I hit my late twenties, yeah.


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## Everything Zen (Nov 28, 2018)

I'll be 37 next month and my desire to have kids never changed and my IUD is firmly in place. I've doubled down over the past year and realized I don't even want to be an aunt or a godmother.  It's rude and condescending to tell a woman that she'll change her mind or try to have the final say in the argument after she has told you (not voluntarily as folks love to get in your business and then interrogate a person for the answers) but most don't realize how they come across. It can be a sensitive topic.


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## ladysaraii (Nov 28, 2018)

lesedi said:


> Parents nag 23-year-olds to have kids? That is so bizarre to me!I don't recall anyone asking me about whether I wanted to have kids when I was that age, but when I hit my late twenties, yeah.



Yep. I've been asked that since I graduated high school. Now that was mostly from my cousins who had kids early. But once I got to my mid-20s the questions came from everywhere.

Luckily, my parents have never nagged me, but I know they'd like for me to give them a grandchild. Although, I'm perfectly happy being an aunt.


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## intellectualuva (Nov 28, 2018)

lesedi said:


> Parents nag 23-year-olds to have kids? That is so bizarre to me!I don't recall anyone asking me about whether I wanted to have kids when I was that age, but when I hit my late twenties, yeah.



I was definitely asked as soon as I was done with college. I told my mom before I graduated HS that I never wanted kids, but no one else in the family knew. Then in my early 20s, they asked and I said it wasn't for me and folks have been telling me I will change my mind ever since. When I bought my house at 27, they really put the pressure on.  These last 2 years or so, I've gotten the added comment that I will regret it and I should at least have 1. Its still a firm no for me. I'll take my chances with "regret."


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## RoundEyedGirl504 (Nov 29, 2018)

Are these questions coming from family or strangers?  I get these type of announcement articles if it's strangers but family dynamics probably aren't going to change.


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## nysister (Nov 30, 2018)

No need to tell the world. Tell the people bugging you. No one else cares.


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## Kiowa (Nov 30, 2018)

Everything Zen said:


> I'll be 37 next month and my desire to have kids never changed and my IUD is firmly in place. I've doubled down over the past year and realized I don't even want to be an aunt or a godmother.  It's rude and condescending to tell a woman that she'll change her mind or try to have the final say in the argument after she has told you (not voluntarily as folks love to get in your business and then interrogate a person for the answers) but most don't realize how they come across. It can be a sensitive topic.



I'm not here for kids...nothing has changed since I decided when I was 16...my family have stopped asking, and last time my nosey JA aunt put her nose in my biz, she got her nose put out of joint..


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## discodumpling (Dec 1, 2018)

I have a 24 yr old son who says he may consider having kids when hes in his 40's. I had him at age 19...hes seen the struggle and wants no part of it. Especially after I had his brother & sister. Works for me!


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## FoxxyLocs (Dec 1, 2018)

I wish people would just mind their own business. If she doesn't want kids it's her choice. It's not affecting anyone else.


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## Everything Zen (Dec 1, 2018)

And if she changes her mind- so what?!


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## ScorpioBeauty09 (Dec 1, 2018)

If these same people being nosy and rude can tell me where I can find, or better yet offer me or my future husband a stable job that will have maternity leave, pay enough for me to afford health care for us and our child(ren), quality daycare, in addition to other basic necessities, including student loan payments, enough to build a retirement/nest egg AND with a work environment that won't have me dying for a paycheck THEN we might have something to talk about. We might.

Otherwise, people can STFU.


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## Menina Preta (Dec 2, 2018)

nysister said:


> No need to tell the world. Tell the people bugging you. No one else cares.


 
Right. I didn’t read the whole piece. I just hope she has an IUD and that she’s not trying to bug a doctor to tie her tubes. I’ve heard of cases of women in their twenties getting tubes tied after asking for it and then trying to sue later in their thirties by arguing that they didn’t fully understand the ramifications.


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## nysister (Dec 2, 2018)

Menina Preta said:


> Right. I didn’t read the whole piece. I just hope she has an IUD and that she’s not trying to bug a doctor to tie her tubes. I’ve heard of cases of women in their twenties getting tubes tied after asking for it and then trying to sue later in their thirties by arguing that they didn’t fully understand the ramifications.



Interesting. I wonder how that played out, you certainly understand the meaning of what you're doing by your 20s. I'm amazed that wasn't thrown out of court.

I wish her well in whatever this young lady decides, but she'll feel a lot better, tell the people irritating her to buzz off.


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## Reinventing21 (Dec 2, 2018)

^^^  People in their twenties do understand what they are doing. They do not always fully understand that circumstances can change, feelings can change, what you thought you underdstood can change... Sometimes life experiences are the only way to fully grasp something.


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## nysister (Dec 2, 2018)

Reinventing21 said:


> ^^^  People in their twenties do understand what they are doing. They do not always fully understand that circumstances can change, feelings can change, what you thought you underdstood can change... Sometimes life experiences are the only way to fully grasp something.



I agree that feelings can change, I still don't see how you can blame someone else for doing a legal procedure that you requested and then sue. You're an adult, deal with the consequences of your actions.

I knew enough in my 20s to make decisions that would benefit or at least not be detrimental to me later on.

Tube tying/cutting is major life decision, if nothing else one would know that it's possibly irreversible, and if they don't understand that in their 20s, they're doomed for a life failure of which this will be the least of their problems.


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## Kanky (Dec 6, 2018)

It is weird how much people freak out over this question, and I say this as a woman who had some fertility issues and didn’t want to discuss it.   Most people want kids and many who say they don’t will change their minds. People need to develop basic coping skills. 

Nosey Nina: When are you going to have kids?

Childfree Woman: I don’t want to have kids. 

Nosey Nina: Why not? Kids are awesome. 

Childfree Woman: I just don’t want them.

Nosey Nina: You’ll change your mind! 

Childfree Woman: Hmmm. *changes subject*
                                 Alternatively:I guess time will tell. *changes subject* 

30 seconds of conversation and move on instead of all of the dramatic flailing about and essay writing because someone asked you a question and said you’d change your mind about something that the overwhelming majority of people decide to do.


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## Ms. Tarabotti (Dec 6, 2018)

Kanky said:


> It is weird how much people freak out over this question, and I say this as a woman who had some fertility issues and didn’t want to discuss it.   Most people want kids and many who say they don’t will change their minds. People need to develop basic coping skills.
> 
> Nosey Nina: When are you going to have kids?
> 
> ...




It  gets tiring answering this question over and over again. Aside from family (and I think that asking it once is okay, you'll know if they eventually have children), I don't think this question should be asked of anyone because you don't know the situation. The woman might want children but is dealing with infertility (it probably sucks to be reminded constantly that you can't have children) or knows for sure that she doesn't want biological children ever (most people this adamant don't change their minds). There are a million reasons why a woman might not want children at a particular moment in her life and none of them are your business unless she wants to tell you.


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## Kanky (Dec 6, 2018)

Ms. Tarabotti said:


> It  gets tiring answering this question over and over again. Aside from family (and I think that asking it once is okay, you'll know if they eventually have children), I don't think this question should be asked of anyone because you don't know the situation. The woman might want children but is dealing with infertility (it probably sucks to be reminded constantly that you can't have children) or knows for sure that she doesn't want biological children ever (most people this adamant don't change their minds). There are a million reasons why a woman might not want children at a particular moment in her life and none of them are your business unless she wants to tell you.



Again, I had fertility issues and got this question a lot. It sucks but coping skills are important. Keep In mind that this is not a rude or offensive question to most people, which is why it comes up in casual conversation so often. 

There are a lot of tiring and annoying things in the world and life will be really hard if you are this bothered by the easy stuff. It is unlikely that people will ever stop asking this question. I have a bunch of kids and dusty Fallopian tubes but people still ask.  I get this question and the ever inappropriate, “Is that all your hair,” a lot. I remain unbothered.


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## Reinventing21 (Dec 14, 2018)

Kanky said:


> Again, I had fertility issues and got this question a lot. It sucks but coping skills are important. Keep In mind that this is not a rude or offensive question to most people, which is why it comes up in casual conversation so often.
> 
> There are a lot of tiring and annoying things in the world and life will be really hard if you are this bothered by the easy stuff. It is unlikely that people will ever stop asking this question. I have a bunch of kids and dusty Fallopian tubes but people still ask.  I get this question and the ever inappropriate,* “Is that all your hair,”* a lot. I remain unbothered.



 The red above is  def rude and I'm not here for it!

But for real tho, I do think it is normal to ask people if they have kids BUT it IS very rude to start asking why and when and pushing unsolicited personal beliefs on someone.  That crosses boundaries in ways that need to stop.

Me if I want to make small talk about kids, but don't know if the person has any:  Do you have kids?

Person: No.

Me: Oh ok, (new topic)

@nysister   Oh I am not saying they should necessarily sue...I was clarifying the distinction of how people in their twenties can understand the concept without truly understanding the full impact as they haven't lived long enough to consider other factors.

I am honestly glad you got through your twenties without making any decisions that would majorly impact your life in a negative way.   Not everyone is so lucky/smart/wise though. Many people, including myself, would like a 'do over' pass for at least one uninformed , misguided decision in life


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## beingofserenity (Dec 15, 2018)

Someone told me they had a vasectomy. He's 30.

I didn't even ask why, I just said it's great when you know what you want. People shouldn't be forced into parenthood.


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## Everything Zen (Dec 17, 2018)

Reinventing21 said:


> The red above is  def rude and I'm not here for it!
> 
> But for real tho, I do think it is normal to ask people if they have kids BUT it IS very rude to start asking why and when and pushing unsolicited personal beliefs on someone.  That crosses boundaries in ways that need to stop.
> 
> ...



Alladis- IMO People ask way too many questions in general and a lot of the time I really want to ask why? I don’t ask a lot of questions bc I really don’t care about the details of people’s lives. I find myself snapping off on my under 20 something coworker bc she stays in my business asking about what I eat and what time did I go here and what did I do and- child if you don’t get out of my face and sit down somewhere?!!! #worryaboutyourself


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## Farida (Dec 20, 2018)

I find it a very rude and annoying question because it doesn’t take people’s infertility struggles into account. If you just don’t want kids it’s just a choice and it is a nag. If you want kids and cannot conceive, carry or pregnancy is dangerous it is a very painful question and is nobody’s business. I understand it comes from a good place. But I never ask. Just like I never ask a woman if she is pregnant - even if it seems obvious.


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