# SERIOUS QUESTION-MOLESTATION/FORGIVENESS



## sugarbelle (May 29, 2007)

I'm doing research on this topic and I have a question for you all and I want to see how some of you would answer it, particularly from a *christian standpoint*....If you found out that your *husband* had molested your daughter or son 1) Would you stay with him?,if yes=why? and 2) Would you forgive him?... Even if you are not married, I'd still like to hear how you might react to this if you found yourself in this situation.

Thanks for your responses!


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## blackmaven (May 29, 2007)

pretty08 said:
			
		

> I'm doing research on this topic and I have a question for you all and I want to see how some of you would answer it, particularly from a *christian standpoint*....If you found out that your *husband* had molested your daughter or son 1) Would you stay with him?,if yes=why? and 2) Would you forgive him?... Even if you are not married, I'd still like to hear how you might react to this if you found yourself in this situation.
> 
> Thanks for your responses!


 
1. I would not stay with him.  How could I after hurting my kids continue to pour salt on their wounds.
2. Can my child forgive.  I would be very hurt 

My play aunt's step daughter was molested by her step father. The guy went to prison. The mother stood by her man even after losing temporary custody to my aunt and her dad.  She said she loved him. The young lady was very promiscous with boys. When my aunt step daughter became of age she went back to live with mother and molester then moved far away.   My aunt said she forgave him.  Why is she dating women? I personally think she hates men now.


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## SoUKnoMe (May 29, 2007)

First let me start off by saying this.  I am a Christian and I am a survivor of molestation.  I was molested by my baby-sitters brother at a very early age.  Now if my mate, spouse, SO or whoever molested my child, no I would not be able to stay.  I won't pretend to say I would forgive, because it would take some time - a lot of time to get to that point.  I recently read about a man who raped his own daughter, to "break her in."  My heart hurt for her, but luckily she was able to tell someone and her mother pressed charges against her long-time love.  I can't see how a father would do something like this to his child, and I really can't see a mother turning her back on her child to be with a man.  JMO


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## joyous (May 30, 2007)

Absolutely not! A mother's duty is to protect her child. I know to many people that were molested by their father/stepfather and the lifelong damage it can do. I thinking staying with the molester is a betrayal to your child, they need all the support they can get. 

I have two friends that were raped by their father, one giving birth to her fathers' child. One is gay and hates men, the other one grew very promiscuous. Both mothers' initially left the molester of their children, both are now back with their husbands. In the case of the woman who gave birth to her father's child, the mother and the molester are raising the child as their own. The child has no clue that his sister is his mother.


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## alexstin (May 30, 2007)

joyous said:
			
		

> *Absolutely not! A mother's duty is to protect her child. I know to many people that were molested by their father/stepfather and the lifelong damage it can do. I thinking staying with the molester is a betrayal to your child, they need all the support they can get. *



I agree.

Ordinarily, my first loyalty is to my spouse but NOT with something like this. I could forgive but we would no longer be a family.


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## Poohbear (May 30, 2007)

I would be able to forgive him, but as a human being, I probably would not be able to forget unless my husband became a changed man through the help of God.  If he did not change, I may be able to get over it better if he was in jail, dead, or basically out of my life.


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## klb120475 (May 30, 2007)

Now, this is a touchy one for me. I would definitely have to rely on God to help me forgive him. I know as Christians we should forgive no matter what, but the truth is we don't. No, I would not stay with him. My step dad molested me as a child for years. When I finally told my mom she left him, but guess what a few years later she went back to him. That messed me up..I felt like I was being pimped. So, I know first hand the emotional turmoil that could cause to a child.


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## candiel (May 30, 2007)

As a Christian, I would have to forgive him but I would not be able to stay married to him.


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## Naijaqueen (May 30, 2007)

The Holy spirit in me will lead me to forgive Him but as a mother, I have to protect my child, and get far away.

[email protected] joyous, so sorry to hear about your friends, thats just mind blowing! especially with a child from that union, I dont think abortion is right but in such a situation, I'd support it. I pray for your friend, her mother and the child who didnt ask to be born through such means.


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## dlewis (May 30, 2007)

I could forgive but could no longer be with that person.  I would do everything possible to see that he spends the rest of his life in jail.


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## deltagyrl (May 30, 2007)

It would take some serious time for me to forgive and, yes, we would part like the Red Sea.

ITA w/ DLewis....I would try to put him under the jail.


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## WomanlyCharm (May 30, 2007)

I would never stay with a man who molested my children...to me that's one of the most evil things anyone could ever do.  Our marriage vows would be shattered beyond repair.

And I would have to pray on it unceasingly, it really would take the Lord's guiding hand to help me forgive any man that dared hurt my child.


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## calliope (Jun 2, 2007)

That nullifies the marriage contract.  Forgiveness aside, any woman who stays with a man and who knows that he molests her children should not be allowed to be a mother and should have her kids taken from her.  The man obviously has some stronghold on him that is not of the Lord and that type of evil should never be suffered on innocent children.


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## StrawberryQueen (Jun 2, 2007)

calliope said:
			
		

> That nullifies the marriage contract. Forgiveness aside, *any woman who stays with a man and who knows that he molests her children should not be allowed to be a mother and should have her kids taken from her.* The man obviously has some stronghold on him that is not of the Lord and that type of evil should never be suffered on innocent children.


Thank you, I feel the same way.


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## EbonyHairedPrincess (Jun 11, 2007)

No the marriage/relationship/friendship is over.  He would become public enemy number one and my life focus would be sending him to prison and getting help for my child.  I would no longer be obligated to the covenant between husband and wife because he broke it in the worst type of "adultry" a person could have.  He also broke the covenant between him and the child.  As a parent my priority would automatically shift to protecting and restoring the child that has been abused and protecting anybody else within his grasp.


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## nissi (Jun 22, 2007)

i counsel a young lady who was molested by her dad -- after he was let back in the home after molested his older daughter.  i have had to walk with her through the anguish, the issues, which have included promiscuity, abortions, gangs, drugs, you name it. 

we worked to a place of forgiveness toward her father, so that she could start to walk free.  Extending the forgiveness was one of the best things she could do! she expressed it gave her so much relief and victory!

however, she is still working on forgiving her mother who let him back in the home and continues to walk in rejection, neglect and denial toward her daughter...

so if my husband did do that, i would definitely go into protective mode for the child...i could forgive, but he would not get an opportunity to do it again.  also he would have some legal obligations...to report to jail to do his time...


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## Guyaneek (Jul 3, 2007)

I would forgive him but I certainly do NOT believe I could remain with this person.  No way no how!


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## Dee Raven (Jul 5, 2007)

I really don't know what I would do in this situation, but this is what I think I would do.  For sure, without a doubt I would leave, or preferibly he would leave and never see my children again, until it was up to my children to make that decision.  As far as forgiveness, I sincerely hope that I would be able to.


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## Magus484 (Jul 5, 2007)

joyous said:
			
		

> Absolutely not! A mother's duty is to protect her child. I know to many people that were molested by their father/stepfather and the lifelong damage it can do. I thinking staying with the molester is a betrayal to your child, they need all the support they can get.
> 
> I have two friends that were raped by their father, one giving birth to her fathers' child. One is gay and hates men, the other one grew very promiscuous. Both mothers' initially left the molester of their children, both are now back with their husbands. In the case of the woman who gave birth to her father's child, the mother and the molester are raising the child as their own. The child has no clue that his sister is his mother.



So the mother stayed with the molester and he gets to raise a child and be near children? That is scary. Does this child have major  health issues since it is a product of incest?


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## Magus484 (Jul 5, 2007)

WomanlyCharm said:
			
		

> *I would never stay with a man who molested my children...to me that's one of the most evil things anyone could ever do.  Our marriage vows would be shattered beyond repair.*
> 
> And I would have to pray on it unceasingly, it really would take the Lord's guiding hand to help me forgive any man that dared hurt my child.



Amen......


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## Magus484 (Jul 5, 2007)

calliope said:
			
		

> That nullifies the marriage contract.  Forgiveness aside, *any woman who stays with a man and who knows that he molests her children should not be allowed to be a mother and should have her kids taken from her.*  The man obviously has some stronghold on him that is not of the Lord and that type of evil should never be suffered on innocent children.


Amen again


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## LadyPaniolo (Jul 5, 2007)

I'm a survivor of molestation myself. I have educated myself pretty thoroughly on the subject, and sadly I have to say that from what I've learned, it's very very common for the mother to 1. accuse the child of lying about the abuse 2. choose to stay with the molester.

It's so sad that the Christian mandate to forgive has been perverted (in my view) and twisted into badgering survivors into "forgiving" thier molestors. 

For instance, a survivor who won't allow the molestor access to her children is told she is supposed to forgive and forget. The thinking is "Hey, he promised he wouldn't rape your daughter like he raped you! Isn't that good enough?"

God forgives me, why can't you?    so much evil in this world.


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## HERicane10 (Jul 11, 2007)

After some type of violent act _and maybe a night in jail_ I'd leave him.

Men are replaceable! MY CHILD IS MY LEGACY! I would not allow them to have to endure that pain over and over by looking at that person everyday. They'd be living a life of fear!

Of course, it would be a very long time before I think I could honestly FORGIVE that person. Even then, I wouldn't try to force a "quick recovery" on my child. No one can judge how fast a persons "wound" should heal!


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## Evolving78 (Jul 16, 2007)

I would have to forgive, but that would take time.  I wouldn't stay.  I don't want my children to have to feel that they can't be safe in their own home.  I don't want to feel unsafe in my own home.


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## gone_fishing (Jul 16, 2007)

Wow, I was raised by a single father. My mom left when I was three. He loved me and NEVER touched me inappropriately. I can't imagine a father doing that to his child. I just cannot even wrap my mind out around it. My heart goes out to anyone that has to endure that type of turmoil.

For me, I am paranoid. The number of children who are molested at some point during their childhood is absolutely staggering! I've seen the statistics and I FEAR for my son's well-being when I'm not around or when I'm at work. I just pray that the people I have placed my trust in to take care of him in my absence will not disappoint me. However, it never occurred to me to be conserned about the acts of a man in my own home. Particurlarly the acts of a man who helped me create the child. That is absolutely abominable and there is no way in creation that I would stay. I would not stay if my child was abused mentally, emotionally or physically. My ultimate job is to protect my child. I will not set him out on a silver platter to be victimized again and again. Forgiveness, I don't believe that the bible means for us to forgive those who do not seek it. I may be off in my belief but that is how I feel. God does not forgive our sins until we repent of them (turn away from them) so I don't think he expects us to forgive those who harm us without apology. Forgiveness...I don't know...he'd be lucky just to leave with his life let alone with my forgiveness. If I did forgive, it would be for my own inner peace than for the perpetrator but that would occur only with God's help because I couldn't do it on my own.


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## Blackoutzangel05 (Jul 16, 2007)

I answered the poll based on would I be able to forgive. After some time I would be able to forgive because God commands that of me. However, I would not stay and my children, all of them, would be removed from that situation in an instant. I would be so hurt at first and even after I forgave him I would still be hurt, but more than anything I would be hurting for my child. The innocence of my baby has been ruined and it would be so hard to forgive that.


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## hotshot (Jul 16, 2007)

Can't one forgive from a distance? Does forgive mean "keep around?"


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## Puddles (Jul 19, 2007)

Forgive him..yes.
Stay with him..no.


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## nikkivale (Jul 19, 2007)

This subject touches me deeply and i would have to say that if anyone, husband included did something like that to my child I would make sure he's locked up and there is no way on earth id stay with someone like that my child's well being is more important than a man, its not fair for a child to have to live under the same roof, being with that person day to day going through such emotional pain and turmoil for the rest of their lives .  Over time i would have to forgive but id never forget.


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## golden bronze (Jul 20, 2007)

I have several people close to me that experienced horrific rape and abuse. It leaves scars that never go away. I am an abuse survivor. 

I could not stay with a man like that, because God entrusts us with the care of our children. We cannot allow them to be in a situation where someone is allowed to bring harm to our babies. 

It would be hard, I must be honest, but as a Christian I believe it would be my duty to forgive him, because if we do not forgive others, Christ will not forgive us. However forgiveness and condoning the behavior are two separate issues entirely.


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## blazingthru (Mar 23, 2008)

Yes, I would forgive him.  Of course I would have to work through that forgiveness and I would hope that he is punished for what he did but I would make sure my child gets the help he/she needed and thats pretty much it.  When you forgive someone they cannot become public enemy number 1- you have to forgive and love them.   Would I remain married no I would not, I would never put my child in that situation.  This is the thing, this is the hard part.  We have to put our complete and total trust in the lord when we choose a mate, if we did so we would never experience these kinds of things. When you forgive you have to forgive 100% like God forgives us and keeps no record.  its hard harder then anything you have to go through but its really what you have to do.   My ex abused my son. Not sexually but physically - it changed my son but I had to not change to much because I did not want my son to become a bitter and angry person.  I still kept in contact with his father and let my son make a decision of whether he wanted to --now that he is grown and he has decided that does not want to. But he is not bitter or angry about it.  He can talk about his father without getting upset. Thank God he forgives me for my sin.


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## kayte (Mar 23, 2008)

No...I'd remove my child and focus on healing both of us and asking forgiviness from God of me and then learning to forgive myself for allowing such a huge error that affected a helpless innocent in my having some sort of lapse in discerning character and ethics in the man who was to be my lifepartner 

Forgiveness....I'd have to pray VERY hard first ....... to not to kill the person..NOT JOKING

I too am a survivor and the hardest part of being one was not the abuse I suffered but being the witness of it to someone else...a beloved sibling,an older brother and as a child being absolutely powerless..to protect that person ..it still haunts me..it haunts my little sister now a grown woman and mother of three children.... my other sibling..the one it happened to ..he's never spoken of it... but he has major health problems

I had no idea my sister too was traumatized until she said one day recently ...I remember and she named the incident and I couldn't believe she brought it up as an adult
but then she said ..I remember like yesterday.... I can't forget... 

I'd have to work on overcoming my indifference to being imprisoned or be given a dealth penalty before forgiveness..even though I have as best as I can forgiven my own abusers


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## Shimmie (Mar 23, 2008)

I'd have to 'kill' him first, then I'd be able to forgive him.   

How dare he!!!  How dare he even 'think' about such a horror!


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## springbreeze (Mar 23, 2008)

honestly i would have to do a lot of praying and ask God to give me
the strength and the grace and mercy because me/ my flesh would really
truly would want to k**l him and i mean that .

but i do know what God says and it would take a lot of prayer and healing
for both me and my child.......then i still would not want him near my child
or me ever again.....


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## shalom (Mar 24, 2008)

In time, I know God would give me the strength to forgive him.  But to be honest onced I threw him out the window my concentration would be on my child. I would have to deal with him and forgiveness at a later date.


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## Amour (Mar 25, 2008)

rondie54 said:


> So the mother stayed with the molester and he gets to raise a child and be near children? That is scary. Does this child have major health issues since it is a product of incest?


 
I'd like to know this... just thinking about that situations made me feel depressed and need to pray. 

How does a woman go back to a man that is capable of doing this... how do they together raise a child that she knows was created by him molesting his daughter  How does a man look someone in the eye and carry on as normal knowing what he has done? 

My heart, soul and prayers go with the babies biological mother


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## IntoMyhair (Mar 25, 2008)

pretty08 said:


> I'm doing research on this topic and I have a question for you all and I want to see how some of you would answer it, particularly from a *christian standpoint*....If you found out that your *husband* had molested your daughter or son 1) Would you stay with him?,if yes=why? and 2) Would you forgive him?... Even if you are not married, I'd still like to hear how you might react to this if you found yourself in this situation.
> 
> Thanks for your responses!


 
That [email protected] would be died. Pun intended. He knows my pass he may as well kill himself for fear of me getting to him first. 
He would never be forgiven.
He would be died
On the real i would kill him.


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## star (Mar 25, 2008)

As Christians we have not choice but to forgive for God command us to forgive one another.

Not sure if I would stay with him it depends on the root of problem. If this was his first offense and he get counseloring maybe. I would want to know why if he has no history.

If he has history of molestation still have to forgive but may seperate until he get long period of counseloring than maybe we could try again. For me if I married someone is because I LOVE them and leaving would not be easy. However, after this act my main concern would be my CHILD and me and then him.  So, as my child heals and he get CHRISTIAN and PROFESSIONAL counseloring and meets ALL my reasonable demands maybe we can get back or stay together. BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT as Christian we must ASK God what to do he may tell us to STAY. But we must always forgive people there is no such thing as little and big sins BUT I really DO NOT like anybody who moleses a child but hurting people, hurt people. *GOD MUST TELL ME WHAT TO DO BEFORE I DO ANYTHING.*


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## Laginappe (Mar 26, 2008)

joyousnerd said:


> I'm a survivor of molestation myself. I have educated myself pretty thoroughly on the subject, and sadly I have to say that from what I've learned, it's very very common for the mother to 1. accuse the child of lying about the abuse 2. choose to stay with the molester.
> 
> It's so sad that the Christian mandate to forgive has been perverted (in my view) and twisted into badgering survivors into "forgiving" thier molestors.
> 
> ...


 
I agree. Evil doesn't deserve forgiveness. I do believe that God forgives, so I'll let Him do that. Chalk my lack of forgiveness under my many failings as a Christian.  If folks can forgive a predator then they can give me a pass on not being capable of following in their footsteps.


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## lnana04 (Mar 26, 2008)

Laginappe said:


> I agree. Evil doesn't deserve forgiveness. I do believe that God forgives, so I'll let Him do that. Chalk my lack of forgiveness under my many failings as a Christian.  If folks can forgive a predator then they can give me a pass on not being capable of following in their footsteps.



i'd have to say that i agree.


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## Ms.Honey (Apr 4, 2008)

Forgiving and restoration are two totally different things. We forgive so that bitterness doesn't settle in our hearts and block out the Word of God. It's to retain the relationship between us and God. Forgiveness is for our sakes not the offenders. He tells us that we must forgive in order for Him to forgive us but He doesn't tell us that we are to have the person over for dinner or some other foolishness!!! He wants us to dwell in safety. We don't have the right to endanger our children. Just because we forgive a person doesn't mean that that person has changed or even cares to change their ways. Our job is to protect the innocent not the offender. Forgiveness doesn't mean that we're supposed to trust the person again or have any kind of relationship with them. The Lord says that He doesn't trust us to do the right thing that's why He put His spirit in us to make us keep His commandments. Why would we think that He would expect us to trust the offender?


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