# What if God says no?



## inthepink (Apr 14, 2009)

I finished reading Lady in Waiting and Choosing God's Best - both talked about godly dating/courtship.  I love these books but yet...

There's all this talk about what to do when you do meet "the one."  The books might have a sentence or maybe at most a paragraph that maybe you weren't meant to be married.  That's it.

Well, ok, not exactly.  Maybe there is a little more that goes on to say to keep focused on God just as you always have been.  Now, that's it.  Back to courting.

Why isn't there anything more mentioned about those who get No for an answer? Why isn't this considered to be as challenging as marriage can be?

It just does not make me feel very good.   When we hear of the next person who got engaged.  Or the next person having a baby.  Or see that swollen stomach? Or see those tiny feet?  See a birth announcement.  Get a wedding invitation.  What are we supposed to do?  We are just told be happy and content.  But how?


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## Bunny77 (Apr 14, 2009)

Did you get "No" for an answer?


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 14, 2009)

Ive found that those that remain single are truly content (not for fake) in being single and serving the Lord. If its that big of a challenge then may not have said God didnt say no (even though is feels like it). He's probably saying, "Not now" or "Get ready".

Just find the joys in singleness and before you know it, he'll give you the desires of your heart.


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## inthepink (Apr 14, 2009)

Bunny77 said:


> Did you get "No" for an answer?



I am still praying on it but I worry the answer might be no.  I've never gotten an indication my entire life that I would marry or have love from a man.  It makes me really sad but I'm trying to think that the future isn't necessarily predicted by the past.  I just want to know that if it's "no" I'll still be ok.


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## inthepink (Apr 14, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> Ive found that those that remain single are truly content (not for fake) in being single and serving the Lord. If its that big of a challenge then may not have said God didnt say no (even though is feels like it). He's probably saying, "Not now" or "Get ready".
> 
> Just find the joys in singleness and before you know it, he'll give you the desires of your heart.



I sure hope so.  

But why do so many books/pastors/etc. prepare us for marriage but not lifelong singleness?  Of course, it seems like the worse thing in the world.  No one talks about it but yet you are just supposed to be happy about it.


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## Love Always (Apr 14, 2009)

hairlove said:


> I am still praying on it but I worry the answer might be no.  I've never gotten an indication my entire life that I would marry or have love from a man.  It makes me really sad but I'm trying to think that the future isn't necessarily predicted by the past.  I just want to know that if it's "no" I'll still be ok.



You sound exactly like me.


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## Ramya (Apr 14, 2009)

Well I got a no. I was going to enter a courtship about a year ago and God said no. I'm not sure why but I didn't question it. I hadn't given this gentleman my heart so it wasn't hard to turn away. I was disappointed but not hurt. The purpose of courtship is to protect your heart and remain pure. It is not pseudo dating. When God said no, I said Ok and kept it moving. We are still friends but know that friends is all we'll ever be.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 14, 2009)

hairlove said:


> I am still praying on it but I worry the answer might be no. I've never gotten an indication my entire life that I would marry or have love from a man. It makes me really sad but I'm trying to think that the future isn't necessarily predicted by the past. I just want to know that if it's "no" I'll still be ok.


 


I think you'll be fine and marry the man God has for you. He'll be fine, humble, and most important, godly. But if not, everything will be ok. God will take care of you. But dont focus on not marrying if your godly desire is to marry. 

This is one of my favorite scriptures. I hope it blesses you the way it always blesses me: 

*Philippians 4*



6 Be anxious *[dont worry]* for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. *Meditate on These Things*


8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things _are_ noble, whatever things _are_ just, whatever things _are_ pure, whatever things _are_ lovely, whatever things _are_ of good report, if _there is_ any virtue and if _there is_ anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. 9 The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.


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## inthepink (Apr 14, 2009)

Ramya said:


> Well I got a no. I was going to enter a courtship about a year ago and God said no. I'm not sure why but I didn't question it. I hadn't given this gentleman my heart so it wasn't hard to turn away. I was disappointed but not hurt. The purpose of courtship is to protect your heart and remain pure. It is not pseudo dating. When God said no, I said Ok and kept it moving. We are still friends but know that friends is all we'll ever be.



I mean, a BIG FAT FOREVER NO.  I am totally ok to hearing a no on a particular person. I want to be protected in that manner.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 14, 2009)

hairlove said:


> I sure hope so.
> 
> But why do so many books/pastors/etc. prepare us for marriage but not lifelong singleness? Of course, it seems like the worse thing in the world. No one talks about it but yet you are just supposed to be happy about it.


 
I understand. 

Fact is 90% of all singles will marry in their lifetime. So its the majority that books, sermons, and preparation for marriage books, cater to. 

For those that choose to remain single, they focus on service and the challenges of service. They commit to a life of celibacy (nuns, priest, monks mostly). No one is writing books for them I think...

Carnally, our desire for romantic love and sex drives us to marry. But if you believe you have the gift that you dont desire those things as much, then maybe remaining single is for you.

BUT I know THAT AINT MY GIFT
I'll keep it tight for now, but on my wedding day its on and poppin'


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## inthepink (Apr 14, 2009)

Thanks.  I am going to try my best to do that.
Same to you...




prettyfaceANB said:


> I think you'll be fine and marry the man God has for you. He'll be fine, humble, and most important, godly. But if not, everything will be ok. God will take care of you. But dont focus on not marrying if your godly desire is to marry.
> 
> This is one of my favorite scriptures. I hope it blesses you the way it always blesses me:
> 
> ...


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## Ramya (Apr 14, 2009)

hairlove said:


> I mean, a BIG FAT FOREVER NO.  I am totally ok to hearing a no on a particular person. I want to be protected in that manner.



Oh if you desire to marry God wouldn't tell you no.  He encourages marriage. Paul was the one hollering about forever celibacy and singleness but even he knew that people desired to marry.


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## inthepink (Apr 14, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> I understand.
> 
> Fact is 90% of all singles will marry in their lifetime. So its the majority that books, sermons, and preparation for marriage books, cater to.
> 
> ...



It ain't my gift either!!!!!!!!! Would God give me that desire and then not fulfill it?  God doesn't owe me anything and he can do whatever he wants.  I'm supposed to trust.

So, I have to trust that God will give me the desires of my heart. and I just have to believe.  Even though I've never had a clue.   Ok, I know you are right - I will try.


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## Shimmie (Apr 14, 2009)

hairlove said:


> I finished reading Lady in Waiting and Choosing God's Best - both talked about godly dating/courtship. I love these books but yet...
> 
> There's all this talk about what to do when you do meet "the one." The books might have a sentence or maybe at most a paragraph that maybe you weren't meant to be married. That's it.
> 
> ...


In the beginning,  God made a declaration,  a perpetual (unending) decree which He will never rescind (take back or take away).

"Man is not meant to be alone, therefore I will make a help meet suitable for him.".     God created Eve.    

Somewhere in this world is a man, who was not meant to be alone.   You are his Eve.   

Believe it!   :Rose:


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## Shimmie (Apr 14, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> I understand.
> 
> Fact is 90% of all singles will marry in their lifetime. So its the majority that books, sermons, and preparation for marriage books, cater to.
> 
> ...


 
And Gifts can be returned.


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## inthepink (Apr 14, 2009)

Shimmie said:


> In the beginning,  God made a declaration,  a perpetual (unending) decree which He will never rescind (take back or take away).
> 
> "Man is not meant to be alone, therefore I will make a help meet suitable for him.".     God created Eve.
> 
> ...



I keep reading that over and over!  I would feel as though I am being punished if the answer is no when plain as day in the first book of the Bible God says that!! 

I am just going to have to believe it and have faith.


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## cheetarah1980 (Apr 14, 2009)

hairlove said:


> It ain't my gift either!!!!!!!!! Would God give me that desire and then not fulfill it? God doesn't owe me anything and he can do whatever he wants. I'm supposed to trust.
> 
> So, I have to trust that God will give me the desires of my heart. and I just have to believe. Even though I've never had a clue. Ok, I know you are right - I will try.


 
When the Bible says God will give you the desires of your heart, it's not saying that God will give you what your heart desires.  Your desire to marry was given to you by God. He gave you that desire of your heart. So if he gave it to you, then he'll fulfill. Trust that. Live as though marriage is an expectation, not a hopeful "please, please, pick me!" type of thing.


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## honeyflaava (Apr 14, 2009)

I believe that if God has given you the gift of singleness, He will remove the desire for marriage from you. Look at the Apostle Paul. He was a eunuch. He had no desire to marry and even stated that he wished that everyone was like him: given the gift of singleness so that they could be devoted to serving the Lord without the distraction of a mate. However, Paul went on to state that "it is better to marry than to burn with passion." I believe that if you have the desire to marry, it is because God has placed that on your heart and if you delight your self in Him, He will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4). I agree with others who have stated that God isn't saying no, but rather, "not yet." I know that God has told me "not yet" because He wants me to be fully content in Him alone FIRST before He allows me to marry. I am one who would be burning with passion if I didn't marry, so I know that singleness is not in God's will for my life....


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## Iammoney (Apr 14, 2009)

Bunny77 said:


> Did you get "No" for an answer?




i got "No" for an answer. Yup for the past eleven years


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## Bunny77 (Apr 14, 2009)

hairlove said:


> It ain't my gift either!!!!!!!!! Would God give me that desire and then not fulfill it?  God doesn't owe me anything and he can do whatever he wants.  I'm supposed to trust.
> 
> So, I have to trust that God will give me the desires of my heart. and I just have to believe.  Even though I've never had a clue.   Ok, I know you are right - I will try.




Thus, you have not been told "no."


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## Bunny77 (Apr 14, 2009)

blqrose said:


> i got "No" for an answer. Yup for the past eleven years



Wow, really? How did you know?

(I mean that in a honestly curious way!  )


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## inthepink (Apr 14, 2009)

Thank you. That makes total sense. 

Have any of you guys ever played The Sims? Sometimes I picture myself being a Sim standing in the yard and waving my arms up to God going "Hello!?"  You know how the Sims do when you ignore them and don't feed them or something.  

So, I'm totally screaming "pick me pick me"

The thing is I KNOW I am currently not READY for marriage.  I don't even think I am ready for a godly friendship with a man or courting.  But I am working on becoming the godly woman so that when he finds me, I WILL be ready.



cheetarah1980 said:


> When the Bible says God will give you the desires of your heart, it's not saying that God will give you what your heart desires.  Your desire to marry was given to you by God. He gave you that desire of your heart. So if he gave it to you, then he'll fulfill. Trust that. Live as though marriage is an expectation, not a hopeful "please, please, pick me!" type of thing.


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## inthepink (Apr 14, 2009)

honeyflaava said:


> I agree with others who have stated that God isn't saying no, but rather, "not yet." I know that God has told me "not yet" because He wants me to be fully content in Him alone FIRST before He allows me to marry. I am one who would be burning with passion if I didn't marry, so I know that singleness is not in God's will for my life....



Thanks -  Not Yet.  I am remembering that. In the meantime, I'm concentrating  on getting ready.  And good for you for knowing and trusting.  I am working on it.


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## Bunny77 (Apr 14, 2009)

hairlove said:


> The thing is I KNOW I am currently not READY for marriage.  I don't even think I am ready for a godly friendship with a man or courting.  But I am working on becoming the godly woman so that when he finds me, I WILL be ready.



How are you not ready for these things?


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## inthepink (Apr 14, 2009)

Well, from reading Choosing God's Best, it identifies some things that you should have a foundation for.  Now, I'm not saying that should God send me someone tomorrow that I am going to say "Go away.   I'm not ready."  But I can understand if He says "not yet."

Anyways, I think I need to mature spiritually, develop godly character, better my emotional health (can't you tell!?), financial stability (almost there), and parent training.  I also need to get involved in something where I sacrifice regularly such as a ministry. I have not done this9want to badly) and it's hard now that I'm in between churches.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 14, 2009)

Disclaimer: Not directed to any one just something I wanted to share. 

We ought not to make marriage our idol. That we lust and covet after it as though it is the source of some happiness that we will never know unless we find a mate. I hear alot of the "woo is me" from women (not directed on here, I hear it in church too) as if marriage is some secret club and only the participants get this true sense of completion. It is true, if you are unhappy before marriage you will be unhappy and probably completely depressed after marriage once you realize your mate will not make you suddenly oh so satisfied. 

You find that ONLY in Jesus. You find content ONLY in Jesus. You find joy, peace, love ONLY in Jesus. 

Your mate serves his purpose but make sure there are parts of you reserve only for the Lord. 

I love you all.


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## inthepink (Apr 14, 2009)

That is exactly right!   And a lot of what I have been reading latley!!  

I have always heard that people generally always have the same level of happiness throughout their lives no matter what happens to them.  That's one reason I don't "just" desire to be married but I desire to be happy and content.

Of course, the media makes marriage seem to be the end all be all of everything.  Media makes all of those things so important so I can understand the women who do feel the woe is me attitude.  I try to snap out of it as soon as I feel it coming on.  But I do understand it and it is exactly the point of my post! No one tells us how to NOT put this marriage thing on a pillar.  We are just constantly told what to do for marriage, how to prepare, what it's like or not like, etc etc.  On and on we hear about marriage.  But we don't hear much about being content being single if you get a no.

I am trying to have faith that I do have a Yes and in the meantime, I am hoping to learn and grow. I am grateful that I am not married just yet!  

I am VERY grateful for books like Choosing God's Best and Lady in Waiting - especially if the answer is yes for me (I hope so!).  But for those whose answer is No - I wish there was a little more support.

In general, I just wish all single people were just respected and regarded a little bit more! 



prettyfaceANB said:


> Disclaimer: Not directed to any one just something I wanted to share.
> 
> We ought not to make marriage our idol. That we lust and covet after it as though it is the source of some happiness that we will never know unless we find a mate. I hear alot of the "woo is me" from women (not directed on here, I hear it in church too) as if marriage is some secret club and only the participants get this true sense of completion. It is true, if you are unhappy before marriage you will be unhappy and probably completely depressed after marriage once you realize your mate will not make you suddenly oh so satisfied.
> 
> ...


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## Bunny77 (Apr 14, 2009)

hairlove said:


> Well, from reading Choosing God's Best, it identifies some things that you should have a foundation for.  Now, I'm not saying that should God send me someone tomorrow that I am going to say "Go away.   I'm not ready."  But I can understand if He says "not yet."
> 
> Anyways, I think I need to mature spiritually, develop godly character, better my emotional health (can't you tell!?), financial stability (almost there), and parent training.  I also need to get involved in something where I sacrifice regularly such as a ministry. I have not done this9want to badly) and it's hard now that I'm in between churches.



Okay, this part is now just my opinion...  so you or anyone can take it or leave it...  

We are imperfect people and will always be. Imperfect people marry all the time. We are constant works in progress and that work won't be completed while we are here on this Earth. There is always more that we can do spiritually, emotionally, financially, etc., and will be doing until the day we die.

You are 36 years old. Yes, I know that age doesn't equal maturity, but I just wonder why I hear so many "older" (I'll define older as older than 25) women who are not married/never been married continually think that they are not "ready" and that they have to do more work to be married.

Also, I don't hear any other group of Christian women continually worrying that they aren't ready for marriage except black women. So are all of these other races of women around the world "ready" at younger ages, but black women have to go through a two-decade long "readying" process? Really? 

Are there instances in the Bible in which women were told that they were not "ready" to marry? Where they felt they had to jump through 7,000 hoops before they could marry? If anything, the men had to spend time working to marry (Jacob working for seven years to win Rachel/Leah), but I don't know of any situations in which women were made to spend decades to get "ready" to marry.

I think we need to be careful to determine what teachings about marriage are truly of God and which are opinions of humans. Not that opinions are wrong, but there are too many women staying needlessly single because they're trying to reach some unnecessary standard in order to feel that they can have a mate.

You were probably "ready" a LONG time ago and probably still are.


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## Bunny77 (Apr 14, 2009)

hairlove said:


> That is exactly right!   And a lot of what I have been reading latley!!
> 
> I have always heard that people generally always have the same level of happiness throughout their lives no matter what happens to them.  That's one reason I don't "just" desire to be married but I desire to be happy and content.
> 
> ...




An alternative view on marriage as an idol....

http://www.boundless.org/2005/articles/a0001661.cfm


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## inthepink (Apr 14, 2009)

Bunny77 said:


> We are imperfect people and will always be. Imperfect people marry all the time. We are constant works in progress and that work won't be completed while we are here on this Earth. There is always more that we can do spiritually, emotionally, financially, etc., and will be doing until the day we die.



Absolutely true! I know I will never be a perfect person.  The reason I say this is b/c I am thinking God must not think I am ready since He hasn't sent him yet.  (Or maybe he just isn't ready yet. )



Bunny77 said:


> You are 36 years old. Yes, I know that age doesn't equal maturity, but I just wonder why I hear so many "older" (I'll define older as older than 25) women who are not married/never been married continually think that they are not "ready" and that they have to do more work to be married.



Same as above.  I figure if I were ready God would send him and he hasn't.  It's all I have.  Otherwise, I will think "hmm, must just be something wrong with me."  I have thought that way too much.  I need something to believe in.



Bunny77 said:


> Also, I don't hear any other group of Christian women continually worrying that they aren't ready for marriage except black women. So are all of these other races of women around the world "ready" at younger ages, but black women have to go through a two-decade long "readying" process? Really?



Outside of the race issue, I know you're exaggerating with the two-decade-long process....  But what else can I do while I'm waiting?  Since I have time to spare, may as well prepare so that I can be a better wife and mother, right?



Bunny77 said:


> Are there instances in the Bible in which women were told that they were not "ready" to marry? Where they felt they had to jump through 7,000 hoops before they could marry? If anything, the men had to spend time working to marry (Jacob working for seven years to win Rachel/Leah), but I don't know of any situations in which women were made to spend decades to get "ready" to marry.



You're probably right.  But, the bible does talk about situations where the women are godly women and waiting for God to choose their mate.  Not necessarily dwelling on it (or maybe we just don't see that in the accounts).   I'm supposed to love God with all of my heart first and maybe I have been focusing more on finding a boyfriend than I have on getting to know God.

Hope that makes sense.  Gotta do something with my time.  Also, if I'm expecting to find a godly man, shouldn't I try to be a godly woman?



Bunny77 said:


> I think we need to be careful to determine what teachings about marriage are truly of God and which are opinions of humans. Not that opinions are wrong, but there are too many women staying needlessly single because they're trying to reach some unnecessary standard in order to feel that they can have a mate.
> 
> You were probably "ready" a LONG time ago and probably still are.



I am not just sitting around waiting to be perfect b/c I will never be perfect.      But since I am single at this stage in my life, I should use my time to become a better person.

Sometimes I think, omg, I am so glad things did not work out with all of the losers I dated and that God protected me.  I don't know why he hasn't ever sent me a good guy.  If it were up to me, I'd be married by now - whether that would have been for the good or bad.


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## Bunny77 (Apr 14, 2009)

hairlove said:


> Absolutely true! I know I will never be a perfect person.  The reason I say this is b/c I am thinking God must not think I am ready since He hasn't sent him yet.  (Or maybe he just isn't ready yet. )
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Well... the thing is, the idea of God sending a person a mate is not all that Biblical. Most marriages took place in the Bible because families worked with each other to ensure that their children married. Yes, God blessed these marriages, but they took place because human beings were working behind the scenes in behalf of young people to make sure that marriage happened.

So, what you and a lot of us are dealing with today is the fact that our culture doesn't do that. We take this "romanticized" notion of love and marriage and try to add a little God into it by saying that he brings people together and if you haven't found someone, it wasn't God's will.

Possibly... but we possibly got in the way with our own bad choices in men (which is something that we can work on), or we did nothing wrong and are just suffering from living in a time and a culture that doesn't encourage marriage?

In ethnic groups where marriage is expected and promoted, this discussion would not even be taking place because you and I would have been married over a decade ago and the idea that we weren't "ready" for marriage would have folks laughing all over town. 

Until we get back to the days where we had people working in our behalf to help us enter Godly marriages, we will either be left on our own to try to make them happen ourselves or we'll cling to notions that God will "send" us these great men when we reach some super-duper magical special state of spiritual readiness. It's a good idea to find a network of Godly men and women who promote and encourage marriage that can mentor you in this process.

It's circular logic -- people say, "Well, I must be single because God wants this, or else I'd be married." No, there's a lot more to why you and a lot of other people (particularly black women) are single right now... and I think one step towards getting out of prolonged singleness is to stop seeing this as "Well, when I'm ready, God will send me a man."

That's never been how it's worked and too many black women are staying needlessly single because of these stifling beliefs being pushed in the church.

P.S.: What situations are you speaking of in the Bible where women are waiting for God to send them a mate?

P.P.S.: While you're single, you can definitely "prepare" for marriage by doing the things that you mention, but it definitely helps to actually be in the presence of some menfolk too...


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## inthepink (Apr 14, 2009)

Bunny - Yes, I agree with on most of your points! You are right in that had this been a different time or even a different culture, we would be married.

I remember an Indian friend at a company I worked and pretty much when he decided he wanted to be married, all he had to do was go back to India and see what women his family had picked out for him.  I envied him for that - to some degree b/c I wouldn't trust my own parents to find me a mate!  (Love my parents btw!)

I certainly have no intentions of "hiding" from men.  I want to be in the presence of godly men and I hope to do that by getting more involved in church and maybe considering online dating again.

The bible doesn't necessarily say these women "waited" but it doesn't show them "looking" either.  Speaking specifically of Ruth and Boaz.  And not that there is anything so wrong with looking but I do agree with some of the books I have read that this "looking for a mate" should not take over my life.

And yep, I am sure God may have sent me a decent guy (yes, A decent guy) but I was too busy with a guy who treated me like gum off the bottom of his shoe.  I just always pray that He'll give me another chance - that there is someone else out there.


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## Bunny77 (Apr 14, 2009)

hairlove said:


> Bunny - Yes, I agree with on most of your points! You are right in that had this been a different time or even a different culture, we would be married.
> 
> I remember an Indian friend at a company I worked and pretty much when he decided he wanted to be married, all he had to do was go back to India and see what women his family had picked out for him.  I envied him for that - to some degree b/c I wouldn't trust my own parents to find me a mate!  (Love my parents btw!)
> 
> ...




Hey, I agree with you about not "looking" for men in that sense. That's definitely not what I advise... but I don't know, whenever someone speaks of being proactive about getting married, I notice that a lot of people in church think that you are on a manhunt or something.   

I'm definitely pursuing marriage, but it doesn't mean that I'm out looking for men. Since I'm not going to have anyone arrange a marriage for me -- although I envy some folks like your friend who know that they have a built-in network of people working for them -- I'm doing the makeshift approach of building a Godly network of people who are working in my behalf... I like what you're doing as wel.

And yes, we can hurt ourselves in the process by occupying ourselves with the wrong men while good men are passing us by. I always say that part of the process too in being marriage-minded is breaking old soul ties and avoiding getting involved with the wrong men who will take us off our path. 

So, I'm definitely not advocating pursuing men... and I'm glad that you won't go into hiding either!  

I just want women who desire marriage to recognize that the desire is of God and is a good desire. It shouldn't be surpressed, denied or underplayed. Rejoice in your God-given desire and ask Him to fulfill it in your life.


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## Bunny77 (Apr 15, 2009)

Forgot to add: Let's not forget that in the Ruth/Boaz story, Ruth had her mother-in-law, Naomi, guiding her in the process of her interaction with Boaz.

Ruth wasn't just some woman just out there randomly and Boaz wasn't some random dude who happened to see her and go, "Wow." Boaz was kinsman redeemer, and Naomi directed Ruth how to proceed after that.

So even in that story, there was someone helping Ruth into a Godly marriage with a Godly man. Boaz was not just "sent" to Ruth while she was "waiting" -- there was more to it than that.


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## Casarela (Apr 15, 2009)

Hi Hairlove,

Just thought I could share... I Put my trust into him ...sometimes not that its hard to do..its just/more a lack of *patience*. Seek God as a priority and he will assist you. When I let worries and fear take over my emotions and myself in any situations in life, I always end up in a sad situation because I took the wrong decision AND at the wrong time. Un temps pour chaque chose... = There is a specific time for each thing.

Keep up be patient!



hairlove said:


> I am still praying on it *but I worry the answer might be no.*  I've never gotten an indication my entire life that I would marry or have love from a man.  It makes me really sad but I'm trying to think that the future isn't necessarily predicted by the past.  I just want to know that if it's "no" I'll still be ok.


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## Raspberry (Apr 15, 2009)

hairlove said:


> So, I have to trust that God will give me the desires of my heart. *and I just have to believe.  Even though I've never had a clue.*   Ok, I know you are right - I will try.



It's ok, we all go through this in many areas of our life if we seek to please God (without faith, no one can please God). Faith is not about feelings, so the fact at you have never sensed or felt anything regarding a husband is irrelevant to whatever destiny God may have for you.  In fact, exercising faith regardless of present circumstance or how we feel on a given day is the primary test Christians face on the path to abundance in any area.  

The bible is full of testimonies of people who believed God and acted on His promises or walked in righteousness though the victory may not have manifested itself for decades in some cases.  Hebrews 11 is a glorious recount of many of these champions of faith.  Shooot I'm about to read that chapter right now, my whiney behind sure needs it today lol.

I believe with all my heart that God is more interested in our journeys then our destinations - while we tend to fixate on the careers, people, lifestyles, etc at the end of the rainbow.  He wants us to learn to embrace his love and walk in joy Today, to hear His voice Today, to transfer His love to someone else Today.  While we like to think that our purpose in life is to be happy as defined by external indicators, our ultimate purpose life is really to grow in the intimate knowledge of Him through the power of His love, truth of the Word, and the revelation of His spirit.  This is the key to contement at any state of life.  

The more I seek the Lord, the stronger the desire for those still waters grows - and even though my soul and flesh desire a mate at times, the desire for the intimate knowledge of God transcends and I am content to know that my desires (and that for a mate is just one of many) will be fulfilled in perfect timing.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 15, 2009)

Off topic (but had to share): 

I came across some Christian dating site while surfing. The site said do a quick match now. I thought what the heck bring on the loser fest . So I put in my qualifications for the kind of men I'd like. I have standards but I'd like to think I'm pretty opened minded (to be 23 anyway). I put the basics: 

27 to 30
African American or White 
College Educated 
No Children 
Single - Never Married 
Atheltic, Slender, or Large but Muscular 
Dont Smoke 
Rarely or Occasionally Drink 
Lives within 25 miles of me 

I think that was it....Am I unrealistic?

Do you know I got ONE return back? ONE! 

I was surprised for a dating site. And the funniest part was _he was white and fit my requirements 100%_. I've had a feeling for a while that I'd marry a white man. I love black man and would love to marry one someday. But its funny my qualifications sent me straight to ONE white male. What are the odds?!?!?


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## Casarela (Apr 15, 2009)

oh oh is someone being anxious?...just kiddin 



prettyfaceANB said:


> Off topic (but had to share):
> 
> I came across some Christian dating site while surfing. The site said do a quick match now. I thought what the heck bring on the loser fest . So I put in my qualifications for the kind of men I'd like. I have standards but I'd like to think I'm pretty opened minded (to be 23 anyway). I put the basics:
> 
> ...


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## inthepink (Apr 15, 2009)

Yes, we are on the same page on all of this!! I am also wanting to build a godly network.  I have a few Christian friends in other states but unfortunately, not many here.  So, that's something that  I hope improves and gives me more exposure to godly men.

I actually submitted to admitting I wanted marriage a few years ago. I am not ashamed at all!! 



Bunny77 said:


> Hey, I agree with you about not "looking" for men in that sense. That's definitely not what I advise... but I don't know, whenever someone speaks of being proactive about getting married, I notice that a lot of people in church think that you are on a manhunt or something.
> 
> I'm definitely pursuing marriage, but it doesn't mean that I'm out looking for men. Since I'm not going to have anyone arrange a marriage for me -- although I envy some folks like your friend who know that they have a built-in network of people working for them -- I'm doing the makeshift approach of building a Godly network of people who are working in my behalf... I like what you're doing as wel.
> 
> ...


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## inthepink (Apr 15, 2009)

Yep....I have read and studied the book the Ruth before and have also been reminded of it in many Christian dating/marriage/single books.

Well, I'd say that the bible doesn't use the word "waiting" so we really don't know what Ruth's desire was as far as finding love again.  However, the books I've read have described it as "waiting" as a comparison.

I consider myself to be a lady in "waiting."  Waiting being equivalent to "a period of time before my husband and I meet."  Not necessarily - sitting at home "waiting" for the doorbell to ring. 

As far as "sent" - I do believe God sent Boaz to  Ruth.  God works on the "sent" part.  However He may do it - working through a family member/non-family member.  I still consider it to be "sent."

Maybe we just have a difference terminology. 



Bunny77 said:


> Forgot to add: Let's not forget that in the Ruth/Boaz story, Ruth had her mother-in-law, Naomi, guiding her in the process of her interaction with Boaz.
> 
> Ruth wasn't just some woman just out there randomly and Boaz wasn't some random dude who happened to see her and go, "Wow." Boaz was kinsman redeemer, and Naomi directed Ruth how to proceed after that.
> 
> So even in that story, there was someone helping Ruth into a Godly marriage with a Godly man. Boaz was not just "sent" to Ruth while she was "waiting" -- there was more to it than that.


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## inthepink (Apr 15, 2009)

First of all, I cannot believe that you are only 23 years old!!! I am simply jealous of your godliness at that age!!  I'm 36.

Secondly, what I'm looking for is pretty much the same - except the age range.  I don't think it's  unreasonable. I would consider someone divorced though. (And of course, Christian, outside of the quick match quals!)



prettyfaceANB said:


> Off topic (but had to share):
> 
> 
> 27 to 30
> ...


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 15, 2009)

LOL! No. I've done the  online thing before years ago. One become a 4.5 year relationship. I have a bitter taste for online men. I was just playing around. I dont think I want to get involved right now because I dont think I've given God enough alone time with me yet. 



Casarela said:


> oh oh is someone being anxious?...just kiddin


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 15, 2009)

Thanks! But I never take credit for who I've become. Its truly the God in me. I think my spiritual gift is knowledge because I swear I can recall stuff from the bible and say stuff that I know doesnt come from me. Im taking a class soon to see if I am right or completely left field. 

You're 36. Wow, you sure dont look it from your hair . It looks so young and fresh, you look so slender. 

If Im not married at 30 I'd consider children and divorced men but I am too young for that kind of situation in my life. 



hairlove said:


> First of all, I cannot believe that you are only 23 years old!!! I am simply jealous of your godliness at that age!! I'm 36.
> 
> Secondly, what I'm looking for is pretty much the same - except the age range. I don't think it's unreasonable. I would consider someone divorced though. (And of course, Christian, outside of the quick match quals!)


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## cheetarah1980 (Apr 15, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> Disclaimer: Not directed to any one just something I wanted to share.
> 
> We ought not to make marriage our idol. That we lust and covet after it as though it is the source of some happiness that we will never know unless we find a mate. I hear alot of the "woo is me" from women (not directed on here, I hear it in church too) as if marriage is some secret club and only the participants get this true sense of completion. It is true, if you are unhappy before marriage you will be unhappy and probably completely depressed after marriage once you realize your mate will not make you suddenly oh so satisfied.
> 
> ...


 
We have to remember what the greatest commands are. Yes, we are to love the LORD our God with all of our heart, soul, and mind.  However, we are also to love our NEIGHBOR as well.  These two commands mirror each other.  See how one is in relation to God and the other is in relation to people. Man came from the earth and was meant to dwell on the earth. If God wanted us to focus solely on Him, there wouldn't be two great commands. God wanted our love Him to be reflected in our love for others because he wanted to us man to help fulfill one another's needs. Sometimes I think as single women we're taught that we have to get to the point where God is all we need before we can share our lives with another.  God was NEVER meant to be our husbands, so we shouldn't feel as though wanting a husband is a fleshy desire.  God created man and woman for one another in marriage. 
I think there is a sense of completion in marriage. Not that you need marriage for contentment, but that it's a natural part of the life cycle that God designed. I refuse to even imagine a life without marriage because for me that would mean I missed a huge part of God's plan for mankind as a whole.  I think it's okay to admit that and it's not something that we have to let go of in order to receive.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 15, 2009)

I agree. However...

Many single women believe that they can not be truly happy without a husband. Thats a lie. You can be very happy and joyous in your singleness season. And when you get married, you dont depend on your husband to be entertained, have fun, talk to you about everything. He wont feel pressured to entertain you 24-7. Get a network of girlfriends, take vacations, join ministry, start a ministry, move to another state, meet and greet, and make life fun for you. Mr. right may be watching you now. You dont want him to see you wailing and sapping about where all the men at? 

We were created for community but your desire for community can not be place above God. Then it becomes idol worship. People forget that He's a jealous God and will not have you place anything or anyone above him. A desire to marry is godly. There's nothing fleshly about it. 

My point was that you can be a whole, complete person without a husband. Marriage is not for everyone either so completion with a mate is not a requirement God has to fulfill in everyone's life. Marriage I am sure is a wonderful instituation created by God but I've never heard a godly woman say marriage gave her true sense of satisfaction in who they are as a person. You get that from God. 





cheetarah1980 said:


> We have to remember what the greatest commands are. Yes, we are to love the LORD our God with all of our heart, soul, and mind. However, we are also to love our NEIGHBOR as well. These two commands mirror each other. See how one is in relation to God and the other is in relation to people. Man came from the earth and was meant to dwell on the earth. If God wanted us to focus solely on Him, there wouldn't be two great commands. God wanted our love Him to be reflected in our love for others because he wanted to us man to help fulfill one another's needs. Sometimes I think as single women we're taught that we have to get to the point where God is all we need before we can share our lives with another. God was NEVER meant to be our husbands, so we shouldn't feel as though wanting a husband is a fleshy desire. God created man and woman for one another in marriage.
> I think there is a sense of completion in marriage. Not that you need marriage for contentment, but that it's a natural part of the life cycle that God designed. I refuse to even imagine a life without marriage because for me that would mean I missed a huge part of God's plan for mankind as a whole. I think it's okay to admit that and it's not something that we have to let go of in order to receive.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 15, 2009)

Bunny77 said:


> Until we get back to the days where we had people working in our behalf to help us enter Godly marriages, we will either be left on our own to try to make them happen ourselves or we'll cling to notions that God will "send" us these great men when we reach some super-duper magical special state of spiritual readiness. It's a good idea to find a network of Godly men and women who promote and encourage marriage that can mentor you in this process.


 
I was thinking about this all last night. Thank you for posting this. I am going to share this in my community group at church on Friday. This is the reason other races dont talk about not getting married...They are always on the look out for their friends and children, setting up blind dates, arranging opportunities to meet and greet. 

I see the common thread in the story of Ruth and Esther. Ruth had Naomi and Esther had Mordecai. 

I been wanting to start a ministry for marriage preparation. I think you gave a new twist to add to it. Thank!


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## cheetarah1980 (Apr 15, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> I agree. However...
> 
> Many single women believe that they can not be truly happy without a husband. Thats a lie. You can be very happy and joyous in your singleness season. And when you get married, you dont depend on your husband to be entertained, have fun, talk to you about everything. He wont feel pressured to entertain you 24-7. Get a network of girlfriends, take vacations, join ministry, meet and greet, and make life fun for you. Mr. right may be watching you now. You dont want him to see you wailing and sapping about where all the men at?
> 
> ...


 
Okay, I get what you're saying. It's like saying, "I'll be happy when..." I agree, no one else can MAKE you happy. And I do agree that some women want a husband to be the source of their happiness or to complete them.  And that's where issues arise.  While I agree that marriage isn't for everyone, people KNOW when it's not for them.  Circumstance does not equate to a calling. Just because someone isn't married, doesn't mean that marriage isn't for them.  When you're meant to be single you KNOW. There aren't many people like this, so I think as a general rule marriage is meant for most.
I honestly don't see the majority of women placing the desire for a mate above their desire for God. I think their desire for God drives that desire for a mate. Did you read the link that Bunny posted? I have to agree that the idea that the desire for marriage can too quickly become an idol is a blown out of proportion.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 15, 2009)

Completely true. I also dont focus on the non-marriage stats. At least 90% of all single folks marry. 

If your going about dating or courting the righteous way, then you're fine. But you'll be surpised (especially in the church), of women that will do whatever it takes to get a huband (sex, inappropriate dress, flirting with married men or man getting a divorce, etc). Its idol worship. You're telling God, I dont trust that you can make someone available (single, godly, ready to settle down) for me. I dont advocate going into hiding to be noticed. You have to get out there (meet-and-greet and look cute at all times) but you cant put yourself out there.

I do know married couples that have sex before marriage but I also hear the complaints of lack of self-control after marriage. I dont want that for myself or anyone else. 



cheetarah1980 said:


> Okay, I get what you're saying. It's like saying, "I'll be happy when..." I agree, no one else can MAKE you happy. And I do agree that some women want a husband to be the source of their happiness or to complete them. And that's where issues arise. While I agree that marriage isn't for everyone, people KNOW when it's not for them. Circumstance does not equate to a calling. Just because someone isn't married, doesn't mean that marriage isn't for them. When you're meant to be single you KNOW. There aren't many people like this, so I think as a general rule marriage is meant for most.
> I honestly don't see the majority of women placing the desire for a mate above their desire for God. I think their desire for God drives that desire for a mate. Did you read the link that Bunny posted? I have to agree that the idea that the desire for marriage can too quickly become an idol is a blown out of proportion.


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## Bunny77 (Apr 15, 2009)

hairlove said:


> Yep....I have read and studied the book the Ruth before and have also been reminded of it in many Christian dating/marriage/single books.
> 
> Well, I'd say that the bible doesn't use the word "waiting" so we really don't know what Ruth's desire was as far as finding love again.  However, the books I've read have described it as "waiting" as a comparison.
> 
> ...



Hey again!  Sometimes when I talk, I'm not totally directing things at the person I'm responding to and just start speaking in about my general experiences... I definitely wasn't trying to imply that you didn't know the Ruth story! I was just thinking of how various people I encounter will take so many different things from it... and I think that the one thing that is overlooked the most from that story is how their pairing was not some cupid-like love story with God playing the matchmaker role of bringing two random folks together. There was involvement from others.... so anyway, I was kind of addressing that more to posters in the thread in general, not you specifically.     I'd never assume you didn't know your stuff!

(Plus, I remember a while back someone saying that God doesn't need human help to bring people their mates, and I was thinking, "Uh, God is not a matchmaker," and most marriages through history have been the work of people bringing other people together. Of course we know that God is always involved in all of this, but the modern thinking pushed in some churches that makes God seem like a cupid is actually rather dangerous and not Biblical!)

Oh, and my comment earlier about two decades of preparation was kinda tongue-in-cheek. I was thinking that if you lived in ancient times, you probably would have been married at 16 and maybe had a baby by that time too! Now I'm glad we don't have to get hitched and settled that quickly... but my semi-joke was that you've had two decades of preparation because women were historically considered "ready" to be wives and mothers at age 16, if not earlier, so at 36, you are beyond ready, girl!  

And I get ya on your definitions of waiting and sent. I guess I'm just kinda weary of the way I often hear it used, so I kinda react to those terms pretty quickly when I see them.  

Have a great day!


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## Bunny77 (Apr 15, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> I was thinking about this all last night. Thank you for posting this. I am going to share this in my community group at church on Friday. This is the reason other races dont talk about not getting married...They are always on the look out for their friends and children, setting up blind dates, arranging opportunities to meet and greet.
> 
> I see the common thread in the story of Ruth and Esther. Ruth had Naomi and Esther had Mordecai.
> 
> I been wanting to start a ministry for marriage preparation. I think you gave a new twist to add to it. Thank!



I'm glad that you're going to bring that up!

I think that black churches are overthinking this marriage thing, for the most part. To me, staying married is the hard part, lol... but we're making getting married into this Indiana Jones-type quest with all of these things that we have to do (alone) and going around in circles and folks still aren't getting married.

Meanwhile, I look at other communities (including black African ones) and women can just say to someone, "I want to marry," and they will have a husband in little to no time. 

What's the difference? Communities that see marriage as an expected part of maturity and adulthood. Men are also on board with this, and the idea of still hanging out and partying at a certain age is looked down on. Parents are also actively involved with the process.

As I've mentioned in some threads in other parts of this forum, the only people who ever say to me, "What if you never get married?" are black people. My white/Asian/other friends might ask me if I want to get married or if I see myself married, but they NEVER ask me to consider how I'd live if I never got married. When I say that I do want and plan to be married, they accept that as a legitimate answer and move on.

Why? Probably because they see that as a normal expectation to have, and something that more than likely, is something that will happen for me. When marriage is an expectation for you, then you don't ask yourself what will happen if you don't marry. 

To me, it's as simple as this... people that expect marriage marry. People that don't expect marriage and spend time wondering if they'll get married don't marry at the same rates. God isn't doling out marriages to one group and denying them for another!

Glad you mentioned Esther and Mordecai too! I was thinking about them last night... Mordecai was the force behind Esther entering the beauty contest -- then she had to enter -- so you have a case of family assistance and some proactiveness as well. She didn't go looking for a husband, but she put herself in a position to be found!


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## cheetarah1980 (Apr 15, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> Completely true. I also dont focus on the non-marriage stats. At least 90% of all single folks marry.
> 
> If your going about dating or courting the righteous way, then you're fine. But you'll be surpised (especially in the church), of women that will do whatever it takes to get a huband (sex, inappropriate dress, flirting with married men or man getting a divorce, etc). Its idol worship. You're telling God, I dont trust that you can make someone available (single, godly, ready to settle down) for me. I dont advocate going into hiding to be noticed. You have to get out there (meet-and-greet and look cute at all times) but you cant put yourself out there.
> 
> I do know married couples that have sex before marriage but I also hear the complaints of lack of self-control after marriage. I dont want that for myself or anyone else.


 
I think the church needs to do a better job of distinguishing what constitutes idol worship. The behaviors you've listed definitely fall into the category of marriage by any means necessary. It's not Godly at all!! But I think we've fallen into the trap of believing ANY pursuit of marriage is ungodly and that's where I think the problem lies. 
Women are CONSTANTLY told to focus on their relationship with God, to serve, to maximize being single. Rarely are we told how to forge successful relationships with men. We're never taught how to communicate and relate to men and that's often the part where many single women are stuck. It's not that we're not ready spiritually.  It's like we're so heavenly minded we're of no earthly good .


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## Bunny77 (Apr 15, 2009)

cheetarah1980 said:


> While I agree that marriage isn't for everyone, people KNOW when it's not for them.  *Circumstance does not equate to a calling. Just because someone isn't married, doesn't mean that marriage isn't for them.*  When you're meant to be single you KNOW. There aren't many people like this, so I think as a general rule marriage is meant for most.
> I honestly don't see the majority of women placing the desire for a mate above their desire for God. I think their desire for God drives that desire for a mate. Did you read the link that Bunny posted? I have to agree that the idea that the desire for marriage can too quickly become an idol is a blown out of proportion.



YES! I agree 100%! 

I've never understood the idea of people thinking, "Well, maybe God is telling me that I'm not meant to be married since all of my relationships fail and I'm still single." Circumstance definitely does NOT equal a calling... there are many reasons that one could be single... oh, and I find it interesting when people say the above after years of dating Pookie and Ray Ray and then when those relationships don't work, they go, "Maybe God called me to be single."

Actually, maybe God is just telling you not to be with Pookie and Ray Ray!  

I also don't see most women who desire a mate placing that desire above their love for God. Like you said in an earlier post, the desire for a mate and a desire to seek the Lord come from two different places... God created marriage on Earth to replicate the marriage we will have with Him in heaven... and since many of us are staying single longer than God intended, I think it's expected for us to start having those longings for marriage and a mate to the degree that we do... that doesn't mean we're idolizing marriage... we're crying out to fill a void that God created for another person to fill! 



prettyfaceANB said:


> Completely true. I also dont focus on the non-marriage stats. At least 90% of all single folks marry.
> 
> If your going about dating or courting the righteous way, then you're fine. But you'll be surpised (especially in the church), of women that will do whatever it takes to get a huband (sex, inappropriate dress, flirting with married men or man getting a divorce, etc). Its idol worship. You're telling God, I dont trust that you can make someone available (single, godly, ready to settle down) for me. I dont advocate going into hiding to be noticed. You have to get out there (meet-and-greet and look cute at all times) but you cant put yourself out there.



I agree with this. I could say that this behavior would be crossing into the idolatry of marriage realm and thinking that a man is the ONLY thing that can make you happy. Which as we know, is not true.

I think the link that I posted did a good job of looking at what is really considered making marriage into an idol and what is a response to having a legitimate God-given desire for marriage.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 15, 2009)

Another off topic moment: ffrant:

Have you heard this story before..."God told me he's gonna be my husband!" ?  Only to find out that he marries someone else. 

I heard it from several different women and see them so hurt when they find its not them. 

Its annoying to me. I wanna yell..."God aint tell you nothing." But I cant. You gaining soul ties with men you dont even know that well, or arent in a relationship with at all. Stop jumping the gun. 

Only way you'll know if he's your husband is if he proposes marriage. Other than that, you just like him alot.


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## Bunny77 (Apr 15, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> Another off topic moment: ffrant:
> 
> Have you heard this story before..."God told me he's gonna be my husband!" ?  Only to find out that he marries someone else.
> 
> ...



Ooh, that bothers me too!  I agree with you 100%!

I never assume anything when I meet a man, let alone say that God told me that's my husband! I might pray and ask for guidance when I'm approached by someone who seems marriage-minded, and I follow God's instructions, but He's never said, "Bunny, that's your husband, go for it!"

And even if He did say that, it doesn't mean I need to go and start acting like I'm his wife (ya know, the excuse some folks will give for becoming intimate --"Well, we're going to marry anyway.")!

Madness, I tell ya!


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## inthepink (Apr 15, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> LOL! No. I've done the  online thing before years ago. One become a 4.5 year relationship. I have a bitter taste for online men. I was just playing around. I dont think I want to get involved right now because I dont think I've given God enough alone time with me yet.



I'm with you on that.  But wow - a 4.5 year relationship from online?  I've only gotten a bunch of crappy dates! 

But yes, I'm quite tired of it.  Been doing it since...let's see 2000 off and on (more on than off) and I'm just sooooo tired and bored of it.  I need a break and need to put myself in situations where there are other Christian men.  Man, what's THAT like??


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 15, 2009)

And if God did say that you to keep it to yourself before you look like an idiot in front of everyone! 




Bunny77 said:


> Ooh, that bothers me too! I agree with you 100%!
> 
> I never assume anything when I meet a man, let alone say that God told me that's my husband! I might pray and ask for guidance when I'm approached by someone who seems marriage-minded, and I follow God's instructions, but He's never said, "Bunny, that's your husband, go for it!"
> 
> ...


 

LOL at bolded. If I had a nickel...


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## inthepink (Apr 15, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> Thanks! But I never take credit for who I've become. Its truly the God in me. I think my spiritual gift is knowledge because I swear I can recall stuff from the bible and say stuff that I know doesnt come from me. Im taking a class soon to see if I am right or completely left field.
> 
> You're 36. Wow, you sure dont look it from your hair . It looks so young and fresh, you look so slender.
> 
> * If Im not married at 30 I'd consider children and divorced men but I am too young for that kind of situation in my life.*



Girl, me too!!!    I don't care what anyone says - I am not ready for the instant parenthood thing and not to mention the exes.    Just not quite there.  Will consider a divorcee' but that's it at this point.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 15, 2009)

hairlove said:


> I'm with you on that. But wow - a 4.5 year relationship from online? I've only gotten a bunch of crappy dates!
> 
> But yes, I'm quite tired of it. Been doing it since...let's see 2000 off and on (more on than off) and I'm just sooooo tired and bored of it. I need a break and need to put myself in situations where there are other Christian men. Man, what's THAT like??


 
I got my crappies too. However, if I had standard than like I do now he would have never made the cut. I think he was just different and I spent 4.5 years trying to figure him out (helped that he was fine and had a nice body ). I'll never be a sucker for a pretty face again because he has issues. Major issues. 

Being around christian men is so enlightening. Esspecially if they used to be dogs. They can tell you some things about yourself that regular men probably wont tell you. (Stop acting desperate, have godly standards, dont have sex at all, godly men want virtuous women, dont dress like that, your boyfriend just wants to hit, etc...)


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## inthepink (Apr 15, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> I was thinking about this all last night. Thank you for posting this. I am going to share this in my community group at church on Friday. This is the reason other races dont talk about not getting married...They are always on the look out for their friends and children, setting up blind dates, arranging opportunities to meet and greet.



This just reminded me of something...

When I lived in another state, the state where I became a Christian, I had some wonderful godly women in my life and believe that we looked out for each other.

We even through a "singles" party - know a single, bring a single - sort of thing.  My one girlfriend officially met her now husband there!  This was just two years ago!!  This guy was a lifelong friend of the family of our other friend!

My other friend (not yet married but helped plan the party also) has wonderful Christian parents who I got to spend a lot of time with.  Her parents looked out for me!  I remember once they told my friend about a guy they met in another state and thought he might be a good match for me.  That didn't work out but just the fact that they did this was cool.  I really wish I had more Christian friends where I live now.


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## inthepink (Apr 15, 2009)

Bunny77 said:


> Hey again!  Sometimes when I talk, I'm not totally directing things at the person I'm responding to and just start speaking in about my general experiences... I definitely wasn't trying to imply that you didn't know the Ruth story! I was just thinking of how various people I encounter will take so many different things from it... and I think that the one thing that is overlooked the most from that story is how their pairing was not some cupid-like love story with God playing the matchmaker role of bringing two random folks together. There was involvement from others.... so anyway, I was kind of addressing that more to posters in the thread in general, not you specifically.     I'd never assume you didn't know your stuff!



I see - I get where you are coming from now!  And you know no matter what is said, it is a challenge to me to think to myself - do I know?? Am I just spouting off something that someone told me? Or did I look to find out myself?  You just presented a challenge to me and I had to think for a minute.  But it is unbelievable how I am growing in knowing God and what I want and who I am just by reading/listening and thinking on what you guys say here!  I'd much rather be challenged then to hear nothing.   And hopefully all of these posts are there for someone who needs it sometime whether it's today or next year! 

Thanks for clarifying.  Since I "know" you from other posts, I know you did not mean any harm.


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## inthepink (Apr 15, 2009)

Bunny77 said:


> Oh, and my comment earlier about two decades of preparation was kinda tongue-in-cheek. I was thinking that if you lived in ancient times, you probably would have been married at 16 and maybe had a baby by that time too! Now I'm glad we don't have to get hitched and settled that quickly... but my semi-joke was that you've had two decades of preparation because women were historically considered "ready" to be wives and mothers at age 16, if not earlier, so at 36, you are beyond ready, girl!
> 
> And I get ya on your definitions of waiting and sent. I guess I'm just kinda weary of the way I often hear it used, so I kinda react to those terms pretty quickly when I see them.
> 
> Have a great day!



Yes, I totally laughed at that when I read it.  Heck, I'd be 55 "waiting" twenty more years.


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## inthepink (Apr 15, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> I got my crappies too. However, if I had standard than like I do now he would have never made the cut. I think he was just different and I spent 4.5 years trying to figure him out (helped that he was fine and had a nice body ). I'll never be a sucker for a pretty face again because he has issues. Major issues.
> 
> Being around christian men is so enlightening. Esspecially if they used to be dogs. They can tell you some things about yourself that regular men probably wont tell you. (Stop acting desperate, have godly standards, dont have sex at all, godly men want virtuous women, dont dress like that, your boyfriend just wants to hit, etc...)



I did "date" a guy from match.com for 6 months and he had a pretty face and a nice body.  Let me tell you - that was his 100%.  There was nothing else.

I have not had a "date" with a Christian man ever.  I used to have a wonderful Christian male friend.  But it was such an example of why women and men shouldn't just be friends all willy nilly.  In the end, I was left hurt but I still am grateful to him b/c he brought me to Christ.  He was a great guy and treated me like a queen - trying to earn my affection.  I never gave him a chance b/c he was only 5'2".


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## Aviah (Apr 15, 2009)

IMHO, God doesn't just say no, at least, not just like that. 
Firstly *Psalm 34:7* says:
Delight yourself in the LORD  and he will give you the desires of your heart.
I know it has to be in God's will for Him to give it to you, but marriage IMO is desireable for most people who are ready for it, or prepared enough in God's eyes. He may want us to get to a certain place first, who knows. Not to say that we must "qualify" to be married, but I'm sure God knows what he is doing in orchestrating things...

Secondly I believe marraige is a choice, though the verses below from *1 Corinthians 7: 1-5* and *8 * may seem out f context, I personally feel it illuminates the fact that we have a choice to get married or not. Secondly, I think it shows God understands what people want to have sex. (Obviously never marry just for sex) The verses also illustrate its importance of marraige in reducing sexual immorality:

"1Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.[a] 2But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 

8So then, he who marries the virgin does right, but he who does not marry her does even better.[b]

I feel the following also shows that we have a choice in the matter, but some are made eunuchs. IMO these are naturally asexual people.
*
Matthew 19:12*
For some are *eunuchs* because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."

So in the end of it all I do believe marriage is desireable for most people in God at some point in time. But after all it is between you and God. If he tells you "no", though I have never heard of this, surely there is a reason and what seemed good to you wasn't right for you anyway. In the meantime, if God hasn't said anything to you on it, you may well have nothing to worry about. 
In short we can say what we want- but let him tell you
All the best


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## Aviah (Apr 15, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> Another off topic moment: ffrant:
> 
> Have you heard this story before..."God told me he's gonna be my husband!" ?  Only to find out that he marries someone else.
> 
> ...



I wanna laugh but that's not funny... I'm not sure how that one happens, but it does... God really does tell some people ahead of time though...


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## Aggie (Apr 15, 2009)

hairlove said:


> I am still praying on it but I worry the answer might be no. I've never gotten an indication my entire life that I would marry or have love from a man. It makes me really sad but I'm trying to think that the future isn't necessarily predicted by the past. I just want to know that if it's "no" I'll still be ok.


 
I understand exactly how you feel hairlove. I am now 40 years old and I finally met someone that I am actually "in love" with. My desire has always been to fall in love and get married one day. Part one of this desire is finally achieved. I believe that God Himself puts desires in our hearts and if you have the desire to get married I would recommend what PrettyfaceANB said, stay happy in your singleness for now, pray, get ready for it, and wait faithfully on God's timing. He will grant you the desires of your heart, just remain faithful and continue to pursue HIM with all your heart. Let go of the anxiety (Phil 4:6) and allow God's peace to quiet your heart as you wait on HIS timing. 

You know sometimes it feels that God is taking forever to answer our prayers concerning a mate (among other things) but I truly believe that HE is busy preparing our mate for us as HE is preparing us for our mate. And as soon as they are both ready, BAM! They meet. 

This is not to say that because they are both saved, that there won't be challenges in the relationship because remember, we have an adversary that knows that iron sharpens iron and if two strong biblically sound individuals come together like this, it is a major threat to his kingdom. He is looking to devour a relationship such as this, so remain vigilant!


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## inthepink (Apr 15, 2009)

Aggie - that is EXACTLY what I am doing!!

I am so glad you are in love!! Congrats to you.  Is that "your man" in that pic?  You two look very happy!


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## Aggie (Apr 15, 2009)

hairlove said:


> I did "date" a guy from match.com for 6 months and he had a pretty face and a nice body. Let me tell you - that was his 100%. There was nothing else.
> 
> I have not had a "date" with a Christian man ever. I used to have a wonderful Christian male friend. But it was such an example of why women and men shouldn't just be friends all willy nilly. In the end, I was left hurt but I still am grateful to him b/c he brought me to Christ. He was a great guy and treated me like a queen - trying to earn my affection. I never gave him a chance b/c he was only 5'2".


 

Hairlove, I met my SO on www.christianmingle.com. Even on that site, you have to be careful of who you talk to, test the strength of the fruit in their lives, lots of talking, you will determine their motives within a week or so. I did. I knew what kind of man I wanted and thaose are the traits I was looking for when I visited that site. 

My SO and I decided to go exclusive within 6 weeks and was no longer interested in the site, so we unsubscribed and now 6 months later, we are still holding on to each other, stronger than ever. It has not been an easy 6 months though but every minute of it was definitely worth it.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 15, 2009)

Aviah said:


> I wanna laugh but that's not funny... I'm not sure how that one happens, but it does... God really does tell some people ahead of time though...


 

I agree and if God does keep it to yourself because if he marries someone else you'll be looking dumb. And dont tell him, because thats weird and he'll run away from you. If you like him, try to get to know him and build a friendship.


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## Aggie (Apr 15, 2009)

hairlove said:


> Aggie - that is EXACTLY what I am doing!!
> 
> I am so glad you are in love!! Congrats to you. Is that "your man" in that pic?  You two look very happy!


 
Very good to hear hairlove and yes that is the wonderful man God blessed me with. He has such a great passion for the Lord and that's the number one thing I was looking for in a man. Yes we are very happy and I have God to thank for that.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 15, 2009)

Is that your SO in the picture? (thats probably a dumb question)

I used this site last night out of fun and they only result I got back was one guy and he was white and he fit me 100% with my requirements. I thought, "See, I knew I am going to marry a white man. I just knew it."


ETA: Just saw your answer thanks!



Aggie said:


> Hairlove, I met my SO on www.christianmingle.com. Even on that site, you have to be careful of who you talk to, test the strength of the fruit in their lives, lots of talking, you will determine their motives within a week or so. I did. I knew what kind of man I wanted and thaose are the traits I was looking for when I visited that site.
> 
> My SO and I decided to go exclusive within 6 weeks and was no longer interested in the site, so we unsubscribed and now 6 months later, we are still holding on to each other, stronger than ever. It has not been an easy 6 months though but every minute of it was definitely worth it.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 15, 2009)

hairlove said:


> I did "date" a guy from match.com for 6 months and he had a pretty face and a nice body. Let me tell you - that was his 100%. There was nothing else.
> 
> I have not had a "date" with a Christian man ever. I used to have a wonderful Christian male friend. But it was such an example of why women and men shouldn't just be friends all willy nilly. In the end, I was left hurt but I still am grateful to him b/c he brought me to Christ. He was a great guy and treated me like a queen - trying to earn my affection. I never gave him a chance b/c he was only 5'2".


 

Understandable no wants a man shorter than them.


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## inthepink (Apr 15, 2009)

Aggie said:


> Hairlove, I met my SO on www.christianmingle.com. Even on that site, you have to be careful of who you talk to, test the strength of the fruit in their lives, lots of talking, you will determine their motives within a week or so. I did. I knew what kind of man I wanted and thaose are the traits I was looking for when I visited that site.
> 
> My SO and I decided to go exclusive within 6 weeks and was no longer interested in the site, so we unsubscribed and now 6 months later, we are still holding on to each other, stronger than ever. It has not been an easy 6 months though but every minute of it was definitely worth it.



That's awesome to here.  I have used that site before - a lot actually.  I was using it when it was still just "relationships.com" (still a Christian site - not sure why they changed the name.)

Maybe I will give it another try in the future.  Anything has to be better than eHarmony.


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## aribell (Apr 15, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> Another off topic moment: ffrant:
> 
> Have you heard this story before..."God told me he's gonna be my husband!" ?  Only to find out that he marries someone else.
> 
> ...


 
That rant is so justified.  We had a thread about that: "God Told Me I Would Marry You."  I wish more Christian authors confronted that attitude in Christian women, since not only is it wrong, but it really reflects a lack of discernment in knowing the difference between our voice and God's.

ETA:  I 150% believe in the reality of prophetic words and that the Spirit does reveal to some ahead of time, but a whole lot of discernment is needed with that one!


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## aribell (Apr 15, 2009)

Has anyone here read the book "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping"?  It's by Cloud & Townsend, the authors of the _Boundaries_ books, and hosts of New Life Radio, etc.  I really enjoy their approach to Christian dating--it's immensely practical.

Anyway, _How to Get a Date Worth Keeping_ begins with a conversation between one of the authors and a woman in her mid-30s or so, and her complaint of not having been on a date in ages.  And so the author grills her about what she's doing to meet people, etc., and comes up with a "plan" to get her dating in 6 months or less...and he was successful.  She ended up getting married like a year later.  The subtitle of the book is "Be Dating in 6 months or less or your money back."  It's tongue in cheek, but they are really very practical in laying out what you should be doing if you're serious about finding a mate, and in addressing other internal issues that keep people (particularly Christians) from dating well.  At the very least, it's entertaining.

Their methodology is too involved for me, I don't have the energy to keep up with it.  But I don't doubt that it would work if it were followed.  And I have to say, that within 6 months of reading that book for the first time, I was indeed dating, whereas there had been nothing on the horizon before then.  It's worth checking out.

ETA:  The only caveat I would add about the book/their perspective is that the level of Christianity that they find acceptable in potential mates/dates may or may not match what you would consider fervent enough.  If you only want to date men that are 100% on fire for the Lord, in Church every Sunday morning and evening, and Wednesdays too, then the dating pool is going to be smaller for you than what they're envisioning.


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## hopeful (Apr 15, 2009)

I would also encourage some of you ladies to focus on a man's heart and how he lives vs.     him "saying" yes I'm a Christian.  Anyone can say this but few can show this. Focus on connecting with a kind and generous man, a loving man.  I would take a less vocal man who displays Christian values vs. says what I want to hear but has a troublesome personality, habits, etc. Not saying you can't have both, but just a thought. Some Christian men aren't as vocal about their private thoughts as we women are. In other words focus on his actions and how he behaves on a day to day basis.


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## cocoa2122 (Apr 15, 2009)

I haven't read all the posts, so forgive me if this has already been stated, but Ps 37:4 says to Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. If your desire is to get married, He will fulfill it! He is the one who placed the desire in you. So to answer the question, I have not even contemplated a "no" answer because I believe what the word says to be true. I have a desire and it will be fulfilled!


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## inthepink (Apr 15, 2009)

Yes, I have read that book but it's been a few years!

Those step by step things are way too over the top for me to follow but I am sure it had some good advice.



nicola.kirwan said:


> Has anyone here read the book "How to Get a Date Worth Keeping"?  It's by Cloud & Townsend, the authors of the _Boundaries_ books, and hosts of New Life Radio, etc.  I really enjoy their approach to Christian dating--it's immensely practical.


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## inthepink (Apr 15, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> I agree and if God does keep it to yourself because if he marries someone else you'll be looking dumb. And *dont tell him, because thats weird and he'll run away from you.* If you like him, try to get to know him and build a friendship.





 

But oh so true!


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## inthepink (Apr 15, 2009)

You are telling the truth.  Are you walking the walk or just talking the talk?



hopeful said:


> I would also encourage some of you ladies to focus on a man's heart and how he lives vs.     him "saying" yes I'm a Christian.  Anyone can say this but few can show this. Focus on connecting with a kind and generous man, a loving man.  I would take a less vocal man who displays Christian values vs. says what I want to hear but has a troublesome personality, habits, etc. Not saying you can't have both, but just a thought. Some Christian men aren't as vocal about their private thoughts as we women are. In other words focus on his actions and how he behaves on a day to day basis.


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