# Are you really ready for marriage



## Iammoney (Jan 8, 2009)

I got to thinking last night am I really ready for marriage and all that it entails including the good bad and the ugly ?
I have no idea what's it like to be married ?  None what so ever.  How can I ask God for something that I know nothing about or even know how to handle.  My parents were divorced shortly after I was born and I only know(i think) of one happy marriage.  Everyone I know is either struggling with their marriage or just dealing with marriage for the sake of.  
I would like to get married but what happens when the cake is gone.  I was so caught up in the whole wedding and falling in love and having companionship that I just think that everything will fall into place.  Marriage is not like that.  It takes thought and preparation because anybody can have a wedding but not everybody can have a marriage.  I am just being honest.  I have been in love but it was never reciprocated.  I dont know what is for a man to love me.  My own father didnt even love me so its like I dont know....  I'm so used to giving and not receiving.   Honestly I dont know how to receive   I'm so complex and picky.


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## Iammoney (Jan 8, 2009)

*THE GOOD *


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## Iammoney (Jan 8, 2009)

*THE BAD 




*


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## Iammoney (Jan 8, 2009)

AND THE UGLY





cheating spouse


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## Iammoney (Jan 8, 2009)

I dont know if im ready because 


1#   I have to learn how to live with him.

       (a) I like having the bed all to myself.

       (b) I snore

       (d) I am a light sleeper the slightest thing wakes me up.

       (e) what if he snores ?



2#   I like to come and go as I please

      (a)   Baby where are you going when will you be back ?

      (b)   Why are you not back ?

      (c)  I am neurotic when it comes to punctuality.  I dont like waiting on 
            someone to get ready.  When Im ready its time to go

      (d)  I dont consult anyone I just go

      (e)  I'm a homebody I like the comforts of home.  


3#   I dont have to worry about cooking for anyone if I dont feel like it

4#   I like my privacy

5#   I dont have to be sensitive to anyone feelings 

6#   If I dont feel like cleaning up I dont

7#   I dont have to worry about anyone cheating on me

8 #  I dont have to worry about STDs

9#   Inlaws

10# freedom for what ever and when ever


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## LivingDoll (Jan 8, 2009)

blqrose said:


> I dont know if im ready because
> 
> 
> 1# I have to learn how to live with him.
> ...


 
I'm not ready for the same exact reasons you mentioned.


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## MD_Lady (Jan 8, 2009)

blqrose said:


> *I dont know if im ready because*
> 
> 1# I have to learn how to live with him.
> 
> ...


 Shoot, if you're not ready, you're not ready and don't let anyone make you feel like you need to be ready. I have to give you  for asking yourself these honest questions *beforehand* instead of having doubts, taking the plunge, and then thinking/hoping everything will magically work out for the better. IMO, MANY people would be in a MUCH better position (in their relationships and in life in general) if they'd taken the approach you have.


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## kennypoo315 (Jan 8, 2009)

I have been asking myself this lately.  Nice to know I am not the only one.  And the answer for me is NO.  For me it is not so much a fear of the bad things that may come up or wondering if I can handle the change.  It's more like a realization that I am not equipped with the knowledge to do it the right way, God's way.  Am I ready to be the wife God intends and expects women to be?  Like you, I did not grow up with many good examples of marriages.  And I didn't receive any instruction in church (the few times I actually went while growing up) on how to be a woman and a wife.  I was taught by the world what it means to be a woman and a wife.  I want to know God's way.  That's why I have decided this will be my year of Esther (corny, I know).  Before Esther went to the king she had a year of preparation.  I have asked God to use this year to prepare me and show me His way; so hopefully this time next year the answer to this question will be YES.  I am reading a book now called Doing Things Right in Matters of the Heart by John Ensor.  Very interesting read so far.  I look forward to reading the other ladies' posts.


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## MD_Lady (Jan 8, 2009)

blqrose said:


> ...I would like to get married but what happens when the cake is gone. *I was so caught up in the whole wedding and falling in love and having companionship that I just think that everything will fall into place. Marriage is not like that. It takes thought and preparation because anybody can have a wedding but not everybody can have a marriage. *I am just being honest. I have been in love but it was never reciprocated. I dont know what is for a man to love me. My own father didnt even love me so its like I dont know.... I'm so used to giving and not receiving. Honestly I dont know how to receive I'm so complex and picky.


 You make some EXCELLENT points here.  

Marriage *can* be all the wonderful things people say it is BUT 1) it's not like that all the time, 2) not every time in a person's life is a good time to get married, 3) not every pairing is a good one, and 4) some people just shouldn't get married to anyone at any time. Only _*you*_ will know if/when *you* are ready.


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## Shimmie (Jan 8, 2009)

Please don't get me started on this one.  

I'll be back with a prayerful blessing, I promise.


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## HeChangedMyName (Jan 8, 2009)

Great Thread.  True indeed.  I was at the same place at one time.  I am to the point where I know I still want to be married, but I am like. . .let me get myself comfortable with having God around all the time before I bring in a third party.  I am growing in my faithfulness to God so that he will see that I am trustworthy with my husband.


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## Shimmie (Jan 8, 2009)

blqrose said:


> I dont know if im ready because
> 
> 
> 1# I have to learn how to live with him.
> ...


Ummm, guess what?   


You're ready.    

None of what you've shared will go away even after you are married.   These are all a natural part of life.    It won't change.   Especially having in-laws or  snoring; you'll be so in love it won't even matter.


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## Shimmie (Jan 8, 2009)

SuperNova said:


> Great Thread. True indeed. I was at the same place at one time. I am to the point where I know I still want to be married, but I am like. . .let me get myself comfortable with having God around all the time before I bring in a third party. I am growing in my faithfulness to God so that he will see that I am trustworthy with my husband.


Uh-uh  

These 'excuses' are just that...excuses.   You're prime for marriage.    You are not created to be perfect.


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## *~*Afrolicious*~* (Jan 8, 2009)

I feel like I am with my SO.  We have talked thoroughly about finances, children, etc. We are very much and love and will get married when we are more financially prepared to start a life together.


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## awhyley (Jan 8, 2009)

For me; nope, not in the slightest.


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## Iammoney (Jan 8, 2009)

Shimmie said:


> Ummm, guess what?
> 
> 
> You're ready.
> ...



Thanks Shimmie

I know none of that will go away but Its all so confusing.


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## Bunny77 (Jan 8, 2009)

Shimmie said:


> Uh-uh
> 
> These 'excuses' are just that...excuses.   You're prime for marriage.    You are not created to be perfect.



Shimmie is absolutely right!

Of course we're all going to have worries and fears about making such a big step, and it's good that we're realistic about the ups and downs of marriage instead of thinking it will be flowers, roses and bunny rabbits from our wedding day on...

But at the same time, I think we really need to let go of this "are you ready?" issue. Most adults are ready for marriage. I don't really believe in this idea that one has to be molded into a wife or husband before he/she even becomes married!

It's all a process... and one must take risks to reap wonderful rewards. Being worried about what you'll give up when you marry is simply speaking from a spirit of fear, and we know that God doesn't want that!


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## Shimmie (Jan 8, 2009)

blqrose said:


> Thanks Shimmie
> 
> I know none of that will go away but Its all so confusing.


 You're a sweetie pie and your husband will love you just the way you are; he will find no 'fault' in you.   

AND I have scripture to back it up.   

_Thou art all fair, my love; there is *no spot *in thee._ 

----- Song of Solomon 4:7

You will be loved as perfect in the heart and in the eyes of your husband.  He will find no fault, no spot nor wrinkle in thee.  

The way that you are, God has made you to fit perfecting into the life and heart of your husband.   Your imperfections are fitly joined to his perfections; and likewise his imperfections to your perfections.   You are created to 'balance' each other out.   

You are perfect just the way you are to be fitly joined unto your husband.   AND as for him I bear scripture as well....

_Ye have brought this man unto me, as one that perverteth the people: and, behold, I, having examined him before you, have found no fault in this man touching those things whereof ye accuse him: _

_---- Luke 23:14_

blqrose, I totally agree with your original message that some are not ready for marriage due to immaturity, financially, socially, etc.   I totally agree and commend this thread topic.   It's pivitol in our lives; for many have married unprepared and prematurely and have failed. 

However, there are three posts in this thread which do not pertain to these reasons... three (3).   Instead they are testimonies of 'doubt' that marriage may never occur for them and therefore retreat into thinking they are not ready for marriage.   

Well, not so. 

You are ready.   So allow God to fulfill your joy and bring forth your husband and let him look at you and say, 

_Thou art fair my love, there is no spot in thee..._

_I will take you for my wife, forever; I will take you for my wife in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will take you for my wife in faithfullness, and you shall know the Lord.   _

(Hosea 2).

Angels, for those of you who have been thinking that you will never marry and hence have taken claim that you are not ready, take hold that you are ready and whatever you are ready for, God will bring it to you.   Yes, He will.  

And this post is the blessing that I promised.  
________________

BTW:   This is a wonderful thread blqrose.  Excellent!


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## Shimmie (Jan 8, 2009)

Bunny77 said:


> Shimmie is absolutely right!
> 
> Of course we're all going to have worries and fears about making such a big step, and it's good that we're realistic about the ups and downs of marriage instead of thinking it will be flowers, roses and bunny rabbits from our wedding day on...
> 
> ...


   Thanks Bunny...   Even "I" have cold feet; (doubts of my imperfections and letting him become aware of my hair care regime 

However, I have dozens of thick, warm, cozy, butter soft, socks to keep my tootsies warm.


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## HeChangedMyName (Jan 8, 2009)

This is turning out to be such a romantic thread.  see. . . ..Shimmie. there you go bringing in that Song of Solomon.  

I have a guy friend who is looking for his wife in 2009.  We were chatting recently and he told me that he wants his wife to love him just as much as she loves her own children---totally unconditionally.  I was like  

That is the type of love that can really help you to get through the hard times.  When you have that something to hold on to to remind you.


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## kayte (Jan 8, 2009)

> 1# I have to learn how to live with him.
> 
> (a) I like having the bed all to myself.
> 
> ...



an idea....
Go back over your list and count how many times you use the word US
....OR WE..or even ...he...him..... 
and then go back and count how many times you use the word I...or me

hint..
marriage is about *two* 
OP...have you ever been in love?


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## HeChangedMyName (Jan 8, 2009)

kayte said:


> an idea....
> Go back over your list and count how many times you use the word US....OR WE..or even ...he
> and then go back and count how many times you use the word I...or me
> 
> ...


hmmmmm, I think you're on to something here .


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## Iammoney (Jan 8, 2009)

kayte said:


> an idea....
> Go back over your list and count how many times you use the word US
> ....OR WE..or even ...he...him.....
> and then go back and count how many times you use the word I...or me
> ...



in my first post i did mention that i have been in love and that i have never been on the receiving end. the post was never about "him" it was about me. I dont have a "he" to speak of.  I was reflecting on me. I was wondering if I would ever be ready for him and how Im set in my ways and how i would have to learn to live with him and vice versa. In every relationship I have ever been I have always been the one to accommodate and go out of my way to please.  I'm always giving sometimes I give until it hurts. That's just who I am. Im always sensitive to the needs of others.


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## kayte (Jan 8, 2009)

> in my first post i did mention that i have been in love and that i have never been on the receiving end. *the post was never about "him" it was about me.* I dont have a "he" to speak of. I was reflecting on me. I was wondering if I would ever be ready for him and how Im set in my ways and how i would have to learn to live with him and vice versa. In every relationship I have ever been I have always been the one to accommodate and go out of my way to please. I'm always giving sometimes I give until it hurts. That's just who I am. Im always sensitive to the needs of others.



respectfully...that's actually the point....
the laundry list seems abstracted from feelings of partnership
did I misunderstand ...is this is a reflection on being single.....
or is the post is on........... marriage readiness...........

you can isolate it and say it's all about me...well then I guess ..you've answered your own question...
IDK....
everyone has their own criterion for marriage but,OP, I would think _love_ would 
be a major factor in any marriage equation and it does not seem to configure in yours
I guess I should have asked..have you ever happily been in love? 
are you _happily in love with yourself_...now? 
maybe those are the areas of focus...to examine?  as well as 'conveniences' 

I would venture.... 
you'd have a very different list...


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## phynestone (Jan 8, 2009)

I honestly do not think I am ready for marriage. I would like to be stronger spiritually and just be comfortable with myself and God. Right now, I just want it to be me and Him, without any distractions (men). There are educational and financial goals I would like to achieve on my own and I'm currently working on self-esteem. Sometimes, I feel as if I have to be perfect in order to be considered ready for marriage.


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## Bunny77 (Jan 8, 2009)

phynestone said:


> Sometimes, I feel as if I have to be perfect in order to be considered ready for marriage.



That's not good.  

Do you expect the man you will marry to be perfect as well? Few of us do, but we hold ourselves to some standard that no human will ever acheive.



And ladies, let's step back here and ask ourselves... maybe I'm just missing something, but where in the Bible does it speak of women "being ready" or "getting ready" for marriage? 

As I always say, let's not confuse modern teachings about singleness/marriage (which are often not very "Godly" at all), with what God actually says to us about marriage.


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## Bunny77 (Jan 8, 2009)

blqrose said:


> in my first post i did mention that i have been in love and that i have never been on the receiving end. the post was never about "him" it was about me. I dont have a "he" to speak of.  I was reflecting on me. I was wondering if I would ever be ready for him and how Im set in my ways and how i would have to learn to live with him and vice versa. In every relationship I have ever been I have always been the one to accommodate and go out of my way to please.  I'm always giving sometimes I give until it hurts. That's just who I am. Im always sensitive to the needs of others.




I see what Kayte is saying.

Your relationships should be reciprocal (I know you know that). You should not always be giving and never receive... those types of relationships that you were in in the past should not be your guide to the type of marriage that you hope to have. 

When Kayte noticed how much you mentioned the word "I," I think she sensed a focus on you as a single woman and not as a woman in a marriage... if you fear that you will always be giving (because of your past) but not receiving in return, then that's something that you should address... when you are about to enter a Godly marriage, the worries you have about giving up your freedom won't be so worrisome.


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## aribell (Jan 8, 2009)

To me, it seems that the character issues are easier to discern than the timing issues.  No, we don't have to be perfect--especially since that will never happen, but that can't mean that any time is the right time to get married.  Despite biological clocks ticking, it can be difficult to know whether this is the right time to wed, or whether patience is in order despite the desire to do so.


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## Shimmie (Jan 8, 2009)

SuperNova said:


> This is turning out to be such a romantic thread. see. . . ..Shimmie. there you go bringing in that Song of Solomon.
> 
> I have a guy friend who is looking for his wife in 2009. We were chatting recently and he told me that he wants his wife to love him just as much as she loves her own children---totally unconditionally. I was like
> 
> That is the type of love that can really help you to get through the hard times. When you have that something to hold on to to remind you.


You will make a perfect wife to a perfect man, because God's love is perfect and God's love abides in you, fully.   More the the Super 'Nova's (Vast Stars) in the Universe, more than the galaxies, more than any angel has seen in it's journey's from Heaven to earth to Heaven again... that's how much of God's love and more you have to make you perfect.

You see, a perfect wife is one whose perfection is not so perfect that she intimidates him, as the man in her life.   

And always remember "God 'perfects' all that concerns you".    

That's scripture....not 'Shimmie'


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## a_ caribbean_dream (Jan 9, 2009)

Phew what a topic!  I can relate with you *blqrose *on many of the things you mentioned.  I totally see where you are coming from.  All I can bring to this thread is this:

"Never worry about anything. Instead, in every situation let your petitions be made known to God through prayers and requests, with thanksgiving." Philippians 4:6

Tell God all the feelings, fears, doubts, you have about marriage and your readiness.

Not drag any attention away from OP but I have to testify here a little.  A year or two ago I thought I was soooooo ready for marriage.  Boy was I wrong.  

My mother died while I was young, my other family members abandoned us, so it was just my father and I.  I knew how to cook, care for my father, manage household bills, while in highschool and having a part-time job.  I was very self-sufficient at a young age.  But I didn't know how to love.  I knew love as a feeling but not love as an action.  Although I tried I didn't know how to love others they way God intended me to love.  Modeling His Love for me.  His ultimate sacrifice and demonstration of love.

I have noticed I have become increasingly not as concerned or worried about things in life and starting to focus on Him, finishing up grad school, developing the talents He has given me.  I am growing more into the woman He wants me to be.  I know I won't ever be perfect or as ready as I want to be when I get married but I have the perfect model of how love should be.  from Jesus Christ himself.


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## saved06 (Jan 9, 2009)

How exactly can you prepare for something you never had? I believe this is where trust in God steps in, if he is designed for you and you for him, many issues you think you will have won't matter


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## rayness (Jan 10, 2009)

I am ready.  It is something that I desire and I know God will bless me with a God loving and caring man.  There are somethings in my life that need improving but hey I am working on it.  

OP I understand where you are coming from.  I have a queen sized bed and sleep across the bed.  But with God in the mix I will be snuggling next to my husband instead of moving around taking up the whole bed trying to fill up a space that is not currently there in my life.  I don't like to clean all of the time and I like my privacy too.  But that does not mean that I am not in the running for marriage.  We all have things that make us unique.  These things will not change but what will change is there will be someone in our lives who will understand these qualities about us and love us because of it.  If marriage is what you desire from God, He will prepare you for it.  

Oh and the snoring issue.  That is what earplugs are for.  Have you ever made a list of the qualities that you want in a husband?


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## Iammoney (Jan 10, 2009)

rayness said:


> I am ready.  It is something that I desire and I know God will bless me with a God loving and caring man.  There are somethings in my life that need improving but hey I am working on it.
> 
> OP I understand where you are coming from.  I have a queen sized bed and sleep across the bed.  But with God in the mix I will be snuggling next to my husband instead of moving around taking up the whole bed trying to fill up a space that is not currently there in my life.  I don't like to clean all of the time and I like my privacy too.  But that does not mean that I am not in the running for marriage.  We all have things that make us unique.  These things will not change but what will change is there will be someone in our lives who will understand these qualities about us and love us because of it.  If marriage is what you desire from God, He will prepare you for it.
> 
> Oh and the snoring issue.  That is what earplugs are for.  Have you ever made a list of the qualities that you want in a husband?






yes i have made a list of what i want and i was realistic


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