# A Single Women's Guide to Marriage Preparation



## BeautifulFlower (Apr 14, 2009)

Hairlove's thread raised some interesting questions. Particularly, being ready for marriage. Now alot of married women say they were ill-prepared for the daily task of a wife and it caused some stress on the marriage. 

Married women and divorcee: What can single women do to be better prepared physically, emotionally, and spiritually?

I know there is a similiar thread in the Relationship Forum but I'd like to hear responses from godly women. (if there are any differences at all)


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## inthepink (Apr 14, 2009)

Great thread topic! Can't wait to see some responses.


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## neenzmj (Apr 15, 2009)

Here's a response I gave to a post on Relationships (How Long Is Too Long).  I think it applies to "getting ready."

"I knew I was really ready when I figured out that I had to be willing to be a wife according to God's word AND that the man I married had to be the type of husband God called men to be. Specifically, that meant I had to be in a place of understanding about submission and that being submissive does not take anything away from who I am as an individual.  So, if a woman isn't ready to be submissive -- she's not ready.

Being ready has also meant that had to be in a place of allowing my husband to be the head of our family and dealing with the need within me to try and control things.   So, in essence, I had to allow God to deal with my control issues.  I had to learn that He is control -- not me.  If a woman feels the need to be in control, she's not ready.

Being ready has meant I've had to deal with my selfish nature -- IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!  If a woman wants to be all about her -- she's not ready. 

Being ready means learning to forgive easily and being quick to ask for forgiveness.  

I've also had to learn how to disagree (even argue) in a way without disrespecting my husband.  I've had to learn not to use my words to try to cut and hurt him just because I'm angry.  If women isn't ready to deal with that deadly tongue, she isn't ready.

To sum it up:  if we're not ready to put down our flesh, we're probably not ready.

Honestly, I didn't learn all this stuff BEFOREhand, but I sure wish I'd had someone to sit me down and tell me the REAL DEAL.  The more I line myself with God's word, the better wife I become.  So, in short, all the instructions for preparation we need are in the Bible:  submission, forgiveness, being slow to anger, speaking kind words, communication, honesty.  If we measure ourselves by this, we'll find out just how close we are to being ready for a loving marriage relationship.

ETA:  And I haven't even begun to talk about sex yet!


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 15, 2009)

neenzmj said:


> Here's a response I gave to a post on Relationships (How Long Is Too Long). I think it applies to "getting ready."
> 
> "I knew I was really ready when I figured out that I had to be willing to be a wife according to God's word AND that the man I married had to be the type of husband God called men to be. Specifically, that meant I had to be in a place of understanding about submission and that being submissive does not take anything away from who I am as an individual. So, if a woman isn't ready to be submissive -- she's not ready.
> 
> ...


 

GO GO GO GO 

This is a great post. You hit on something I know I need to work on. In my past relationship, when you cross me wrong I go off. I mean serious off. I know men hate it. I hate being that angry,  if feels terrible. I pray I have a husband that never does anything so awful I get that angry.


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## inthepink (Apr 15, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> GO GO GO GO
> 
> This is a great post. You hit on something I know I need to work on. In my past relationship, when you cross me wrong I go off. I mean serious off. I know men hate it. I hate being that angry,  if feels terrible. I pray I have a husband that never does anything so awful I get that angry.



Maybe you should pray about that.  There shouldn't be something so awful that you forget and go off in that way.  Know what I mean?  No matter what, (now you know) you should try your best to display God's grace.  You know I say this in love.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 15, 2009)

hairlove said:


> Maybe you should pray about that. There shouldn't be something so awful that you forget and go off in that way. Know what I mean? No matter what, (now you know) you should try your best to display God's grace. You know I say this in love.


 
I know. erplexed I get hot! I think I have a tendency to hold things in and then I explode. I take slow to anger as dont show anger. Clearly arent the same thing. But generally, its not a random explosion. Its more like you just crossed me for the last time. I do have to pray about this alot before I marry.

ETA: What I mean get me that anger is tells me he got someone pregnant (this happened to me) and yes I went off, find out he's been living with someone (this happened to me too), hit me (never happened but I dont play that).


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## inthepink (Apr 15, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> I know. erplexed I get hot! I think I have a tendency to hold things in and then I explode. I take slow to anger as dont show anger. Clearly arent the same thing. But generally, its not a random explosion. Its more like you just crossed me for the last time. I do have to pray about this alot before I marry.
> 
> ETA: What I mean get me that anger is tells me he got someone pregnant (this happened to me) and yes I went off, find out he's been living with someone (this happened to me too), hit me (never happened but I dont play that).



Now that is just downright awful!!  I used to always say that every woman has a little bit of "crazy" in her and I'd say those situations could bring it out.

I get what you mean about exploding.  It can be a difficult thing to conquer.  I think many of us deal with anger in different ways and it's something we must all pray on.  Fight or flight - I am flight.   

I had to pray about not allowing someone to speak to me in a bad way.  This was a big "project" for me the last few months.  First, I had to be honest with myself as in "why" I didn't speak up. Then, I had to prepare myself for the next time and have a script ready.  I know now should it happen again I need to simply say "You cannot speak to me that way."  And if the person doesn't change their tone, then I'm done with the conversation.  I hate arguing and just refuse to do it.  Discussing - I'm ok with . 

Sorry - back to the topic at hand.


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## saved06 (Apr 15, 2009)

Come on ladies, keep it coming..


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 15, 2009)

This is good. Men hate disrepect and we you, yell they feel disrespected. But of course this hasnt stopped me. 

I guess I always wanted to portray that I am accepting of how they are so I put up with alot. Then some happens and I go off. I dont speak up in the first couple years (Ive been in two long term relationships). Then I go from caring alot to not caring at all. Its completely unbalanced and can be a death to a marriage. I need to start establishing my standards in the beginning and speaking up if something bother me. Thanks for the tip.



hairlove said:


> Now that is just downright awful!! I used to always say that every woman has a little bit of "crazy" in her and I'd say those situations could bring it out.
> 
> I get what you mean about exploding. It can be a difficult thing to conquer. I think many of us deal with anger in different ways and it's something we must all pray on. Fight or flight - I am flight.
> 
> ...


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 15, 2009)

Where the married women or used to be married women at?


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## Amour (Apr 15, 2009)

neenzmj said:


> ETA: And I haven't even begun to talk about sex yet!


 


Please continue


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## Aggie (Apr 15, 2009)

Love the thread PrettyfaceANB... I love learning from others' experiences.


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## Aggie (Apr 15, 2009)

neenzmj said:


> Here's a response I gave to a post on Relationships (How Long Is Too Long). I think it applies to "getting ready."
> 
> "I knew I was really ready when I figured out that I had to be willing to be a wife according to God's word AND that the man I married had to be the type of husband God called men to be. Specifically, that meant I had to be in a place of understanding about submission and that being submissive does not take anything away from who I am as an individual. So, if a woman isn't ready to be submissive -- she's not ready.
> 
> ...


 
Oh my word, preach it sista. I love this post a lot. Thank you so much for it.

ETA: Wow, it really felt like you are I were the same person...You have voiced my thoughts exactly, thanks again.


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## neenzmj (Apr 15, 2009)

Let me tell you about speaking up.  I learned this lesson the hard way and as someone said, it can be the death of a marriage.  It falls under the umbrella of communication and communication problems are one of the leading causes of divorce.

But back to my story:  I was afraid to speak up in my first marriage.  Part of it was because I hadn't learned to control my temper and I was afraid that if I spoke up, I'd blow up!  Another reason I didn't speak up was because I had began receiving the negative words of my ex-husband as facts -- meaning, he might say "you're so selfish".  Mind you, there was some truth to it, but negative words can kill your spirit.  So, I began to accept the negative words and I began to believe those things about myself.  Over the course of time, I built up a lot of anger and resentment toward him and it played out in some very unexpected ways that eventually led to our divorce.  

It took me awhile to stop believing the bad about myself because of those words that were spoken about me.  Only by looking to God's word did I began to see that I wasn't as sucky as I'd believed myself to be.

Nowadays, I speak up immediately, but I've learned to do it firmly, yet lovingly.  I've learned to pray, check my motives, check my heart and to pick my battles wisely.  I've also learned to pray that my husband's heart will be receptive and to be ok with not seeing eye to eye in some areas.  It has played a major part in the health of our relationship.


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## inthepink (Apr 15, 2009)

This is a great post. And funny that I was thinking we were off-topic but oh how it applies.  God puts our words where they need to be sometimes.  I am glad it gave you more to tell us about.

And yes, that is probably the same for me.  I don't speak up out of fear...maybe I'd blow up too.  But I know, I need to continually pray on that b/c I will let people do horrible things to me and never speak up - lack of confidence and lack of self-esteem.

Thank you for sharing this...what a blessing to share in your wisdom.

ETA:  In my bible study on Monday nights, a woman mentioned how sometimes people may not be receptive to what you have to say.  And how you need to pray about it before you do it.  



neenzmj said:


> Let me tell you about speaking up.  I learned this lesson the hard way and as someone said, it can be the death of a marriage.  It falls under the umbrella of communication and communication problems are one of the leading causes of divorce.
> 
> But back to my story:  I was afraid to speak up in my first marriage.  Part of it was because I hadn't learned to control my temper and I was afraid that if I spoke up, I'd blow up!  Another reason I didn't speak up was because I had began receiving the negative words of my ex-husband as facts -- meaning, he might say "you're so selfish".  Mind you, there was some truth to it, but negative words can kill your spirit.  So, I began to accept the negative words and I began to believe those things about myself.  Over the course of time, I built up a lot of anger and resentment toward him and it played out in some very unexpected ways that eventually led to our divorce.
> 
> ...


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## honeyflaava (Apr 15, 2009)

neenzmj said:


> Here's a response I gave to a post on Relationships (How Long Is Too Long).  I think it applies to "getting ready."
> 
> "I knew I was really ready when I figured out that I had to be willing to be a wife according to God's word AND that the man I married had to be the type of husband God called men to be. Specifically, that meant I had to be in a place of understanding about submission and that being submissive does not take anything away from who I am as an individual.  *So, if a woman isn't ready to be submissive -- she's not ready.*
> 
> ...



Yes Yes Yes to the bolded! And this submission and giving up of control begins first in your relationship with God.

Awesome post!


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## honeyflaava (Apr 15, 2009)

KissKiss said:


> Please continue




Yes please do


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 16, 2009)

bumpity bump


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## neenzmj (Apr 16, 2009)

Here are some of my initial thoughts from important lessons I've learned:

*1 Corinthians 7:4 (NIV)*
*The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband*. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.

*1 Corinthians 7:5 (NIV)*
  Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

  Ok, let me start by saying I’m speaking merely from my own personal experiences, so use and discard as you see fit (my situation/thoughts/experiences certainly don't apply to everyone.)


  I have heard and the scriptures above more times than I can remember, but it wasn’t until I REALLY made a decision to be the wife God desired me to be that it really took root.  I don’t know about anyone reading this, but when I was single and the hormones were raging, I thought to myself, “oh, this will be no problem ‘cause we can work this out ALL the time, but everyday life (work, kids, housework, church, school, etc.) has a funny way of leaving you too exhausted (mentally and physically) to feel like prancing around in your lingerie and stiletto heels.  So what do you do?


*Communication*
  The area of marital sex is no time to be super holy woman.  This is the time to have *REAL* honest discussions about sex:  likes/dislikes, differences in sex drive, frequency, touch, positions, things that are off-limits, things you’re open to trying, things you’re not open to trying.

*Priorities:*
  One of the biggest lessons I’m learning is how to prioritize my life.  It is SOOOO easy to let everything else come before your spouse:  job, kids, household duties, hair, exercise, even church.  It is important for women to make certain to put their husbands at the top of their priority list (after God, of course.)  and if he’s  “hinting”, take notice and don’t just brush him off.

*Rejection*
  I never realized how easily men can feel rejected, not just by our words, but by our body language as well.  For instance, there have been times when my husband may come up behind me when I’m washing dishes and give me that special kind of hug (wink, wink).  Sometimes, I’d kind of stiffen up as if to say – ok, that’s nice, but I‘ve gotta finish these dishes.  Well, I didn’t have to SAY anything, but he felt the rejection in my body.  I’ve had to work on this.  It comes under the whole “priority” category.  I had to ask myself:  is it more important for me to consider my husband’s needs or finish the dishes.    This was an area that called for lots of communication for us.  He conceded that there are times where I can’t drop everything and I’ve learned how to let him know that  I “hear” his needs and let him know we’ll make special time later (I’m trying to keep it clean, here ladies!) This has really been important and it’s a total 180 from the days when my attitude would be:  “don’t you see me standing here tryin’ to wash these dishes?”

  These are the first thoughts off the top of my head, but I would also like to encourage anyone considering marriage (and married women as well) to meditate on *I Corinthians 7:4* and REALLY consider what it means for our bodies not to belong to us.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 16, 2009)

Super holy....LOL! 

I do need to meditate on 1 Corinthians 7:4. Especially when it comes to my way of dressing. I am becoming more and more modest with every outfit I buy but I still dont like people telling me what I can and can not wear. I guess its the "Independent women, I brought everything I got" mentality. And being a stay at home mom. Thats not me and I know it. I need prayer ya'll.



neenzmj said:


> Here are some of my initial thoughts from important lessons I've learned:
> 
> *1 Corinthians 7:4 (NIV)*
> *The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband*. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife.
> ...


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## a_ caribbean_dream (Apr 20, 2009)

Great thread-*prettyfaceanb*!!

Looking forward to some more responses.  It's been awhile since I have been around.  Feels good to be back


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## MizzCoco (Apr 23, 2009)

Bumping for more responses! This is a great thread


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## neenzmj (Apr 23, 2009)

Come on ladies -- I don't want to dominate this thread with my long, drawn-out responses!


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 23, 2009)

But they are great! Educate us...

Titus 2...



neenzmj said:


> Come on ladies -- I don't want to dominate this thread with my long, drawn-out responses!


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## ChelzBoo (Apr 23, 2009)

my neighbor that llives by my mom once told me the man she is married to now (10 yrs married) is NOT the man she married. 
mind you, hes the same person but i think her point was that as u grow with eachother you have to change together also and usually for the good.
and me being single and knowing that one day i will be married, i have to accept the fact that the man i marry off jump my not be the perfect man in my eyes, but in time he may evolve into the man of my dreams.

disclaimer: not saying he wont be the man of my dreams to begin with.

yall know what i mean by this post


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## MsSharee06 (Apr 23, 2009)

This is an excellent thread...I've been dealing with this issue a lot myself. I'm preparing for marriage with my fiance and must I tell you its no easy task. I must also admit that I do have anger management issues at time when arguing , but my biggest struggle is taming my tongue I need to learn that you can't tear people down with your words when you're upset because at the end of the day its going to hurt me more than the other person. What tips do you ladies have for dealing with your husband or significant other when he's not the easiest to get along with?


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## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (Apr 23, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> Hairlove's thread raised some interesting questions. Particularly, being ready for marriage. Now alot of married women say they were ill-prepared for the daily task of a wife and it caused some stress on the marriage.
> 
> Married women and divorcee: *What can single women do to be better prepared physically, emotionally, and spiritually?*
> 
> I know there is a similiar thread in the Relationship Forum but I'd like to hear responses from godly women. (if there are any differences at all)



Charity.  Physical and emotional charity towards the needs of others.  Charity towards one's own self and spiritual needs and development.


MsCharee, when he urks you,you have to tell him.  Talk it out and start by saying, "when this happens, this is how I feel..."  Don't say, "when YOU do such and such."  That will put him on the defensive.  Let him stand all on his own in the mud lolol!


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## momi (Apr 24, 2009)

Great question:



First of all, you have to have something to work with.  If we really knew what marriage was all about many of us would chose differently.  Personally, I believe gender roles are important in any strong relationship.  A man is already a man and should posess certain qualities ie. protection, provision, and spiritual maturity.  A real man is not looking for a woman that posesses all of these qualaties as they should already have them.



Learn how to embrace your feminie role.  The man God sends you to will need your help.  That is why you are called a helpmeet.  Begin to train yourself in things that will make you a proper help.  He doesnt need you to pay the bills - he should already be doing that.  He doesnt need you to be the spiritual covering in the home, he should be prepared to be that.  Not with the things God has required him to do.  This is not a popular idea, but I believe it is God's idea.  Does this mean a large part of your efforts will be home-centered?  It should.  If you work outside the home make sure you learn how to leave that role in the garage and come home to be "wife".  If you are a student, pursue a degree that will allow you flexibility necessary to make certain your husband and children are cared for.  He should not have to compete with your career. 


Many women make the mistake of taking on their husbands role which usually causes them to become lazy and not accomplish all God wants to accomplish through them. 


I have much more to say, but I am certain many of you think I have said enough already.


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## inthepink (Apr 24, 2009)

After reading Lady in Waiting and Choosing God's Best, I truly believe that to prepare  for a godly marriage, you need to prepare by becoming a godly woman.   Right  now, I am very focused on being the godly woman who God wants me to be.  

I've just started reading the book Beautiful in God's Eyes - The Treasures of the Proverbs 31 Woman by Elizabeth George.   The Bible is definitely my guidebook but I also like Christian self-help to break things down by topics.  I can see this book  just being one of many that can only help me in learning some of the things  the ladies above have mentioned.


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## inthepink (Apr 24, 2009)

momi said:


> I have much more to say, but I am certain many of you think I have said enough already.



No, you haven't. Please do share!


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## neenzmj (Apr 24, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> But they are great! Educate us...
> 
> Titus 2...




Ok, here is the first part of what I wrote:
*The scripture tells us that the greatest thing we can do is to love. (I Corinthians 13:13.)   When my husband and I first met, I was just so darned happy and excited about the fact that here was a really nice-looking Christian guy who seemed to like me.  I was even more excited once I realized that he REALLY like me and wanted a relationship – a real relationship.  But then… when he uttered those magical words “I Love You,” well, as many of you probably can imagine, that was just the ultimate, next to him asking me to marry him.  So, we proclaim our love for one another and everything is just wonderful.  We love being around each other, we love talking to one another, we can’t wait until the next time we see each other.  We spend late nights talking on the phone into the wee hours of the morning and it’s all wonderful because WE LOVE EACH OTHER.  But what we were really experiencing was just the romantic side of love -- not the type of love necessary to  sustain a marriage over the long haul and certainly not the type of love God says we should have.   It’s only the love found in I Corinthians 13 that’s going to sustain a marriage through the challenges of life.  So, I challenge all your single ladies to take a look at I Corinthians ask yourself how close you are to being prepared to exhibit this kind of love toward your potential husband.  As you read these passages of scripture, you’ll probably find that none of them are remotely close to the warm and fuzzy feelings when have when we first say those magical words.*

*
*
*Love is Patient*
  How patient are you?  How many times do you give someone to make a mistake before your patience runs out and you’re ready to “get with them?”  How tolerant are you?  How long are you willing to endure with someone?  Marriage requires patience – patience while you figure out personality differences, gender differences, quirks, habits, pet peeves.  After 13 years my husband still leaves the toilet seat up sometimes, but it’s ok – I know how to put it down and every now and then I gently remind him about it the same way he reminds me to close the cabinet doors.  One of these days, it will become a habit for both of us.  

*Love is Kind  *
  How kind are you – not when everything is going well, but during those times when you’re tired and you’ve worked all day and you’re grouchy?  Can you still speak a kind word or have a kind attitude when you least feel like it?  How kind are you when you’re “PMS-ing?”

*Love Is Not Rude*
  Ever noticed how polite we are when we meet someone new?  We say “please” and “thank you.”  We ask things of each other politely (“will you,” “would you mind”)  You don’t get a pass on being rude once prince charming gives you a ring.   Don’t front while you’re in the dating stages and then turn into this monster after you say “I Do.”  Start taking note of how you deal with others now.  It might be an indication of the areas you need to work on in a future relationship. 

*Love is Not Self-Seeking*
  Four words:  *IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.*  The next time you get irritated with someone, count the number of “I” or “Me”   statements.  More often than not, the things we get irritated about are rooted in self:   *I didn’t get my way*, *I was inconvenienced,  I* *wanted to do*….  Do you see the common thread:  I – it’s all about me.  It’s not all about YOU in a marriage.  It’s not just about *YOUR* wants, *YOUR* desires, *YOUR* needs.  It’s about the relationship and that sometimes means putting your stuff on the backburner for the sake of the spouse and the relationship. BUT, if your spouse is also practicing Godly love, He will seek to serve YOU and not himself which will result in you serving one another, as God intended.


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## neenzmj (Apr 24, 2009)

hairlove said:


> After reading Lady in Waiting and Choosing God's Best, I truly believe that to prepare  for a godly marriage, *you need to prepare by becoming a godly woman.   Right  now,* I am very focused on being the godly woman who God wants me to be.
> 
> I've just started reading the book Beautiful in God's Eyes - The Treasures of the Proverbs 31 Woman by Elizabeth George.   The Bible is definitely my guidebook but I also like Christian self-help to break things down by topics.  I can see this book  just being one of many that can only help me in learning some of the things  the ladies above have mentioned.



In my mind, the bold is really the key.  We should be seeking to become women of God first and foremost for our relationship with the Lord.  If we've got that in order, then a major part of the work is already done.  If all we're doing is trying to "prepare" for marriage without allowing the Lord to transform us, then we're asking for problems when the REAL person shows up on the scene.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 24, 2009)

I love this....more please...



momi said:


> Great question:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## ChelzBoo (Apr 25, 2009)

momi said:


> Great question:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




thats good. im going to remember that. and i do think that in our society alot of women are a little overly independent so by the time they do get married, their careers come first and their husbands are left in the dark.


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## ChelzBoo (Apr 25, 2009)

neenzmj said:


> Ok, here is the first part of what I wrote:
> *The scripture tells us that the greatest thing we can do is to love. (I Corinthians 13:13.)   When my husband and I first met, I was just so darned happy and excited about the fact that here was a really nice-looking Christian guy who seemed to like me.  I was even more excited once I realized that he REALLY like me and wanted a relationship – a real relationship.  But then… when he uttered those magical words “I Love You,” well, as many of you probably can imagine, that was just the ultimate, next to him asking me to marry him.  So, we proclaim our love for one another and everything is just wonderful.  We love being around each other, we love talking to one another, we can’t wait until the next time we see each other.  We spend late nights talking on the phone into the wee hours of the morning and it’s all wonderful because WE LOVE EACH OTHER.  But what we were really experiencing was just the romantic side of love -- not the type of love necessary to  sustain a marriage over the long haul and certainly not the type of love God says we should have.   It’s only the love found in I Corinthians 13 that’s going to sustain a marriage through the challenges of life.  So, I challenge all your single ladies to take a look at I Corinthians ask yourself how close you are to being prepared to exhibit this kind of love toward your potential husband.  As you read these passages of scripture, you’ll probably find that none of them are remotely close to the warm and fuzzy feelings when have when we first say those magical words.*
> 
> 
> ...




i absolutely love this. i believe slowly but surely that god is preparing me for marriage sometime in the near future. and after reading scriptures and talking to godly men and woman about marriage ive come to find out that if the true reason for marriage is *NOT GOD*... the cohesive that keeps the marriage together whether its kids, stability, love, friendship etc. isnt always strong enough to KEEP the marriage together after it has been tested in some cases. he is the *only* glue that can withstand any and every kind of test imaginable in a marriage and keep 2 people together....and its all because of his *love*.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 27, 2009)

A Virtuous Woman In the Eyes of God
by Pastor Jim Feeney, Ph.D.



Sermon Summary: Many Christians’ definition of a “virtuous woman” would center on prayer, Bible study, and spirituality. But God’s Scriptural portrait of the virtuous woman is surprisingly different.

The Bible speaks of the “virtuous woman”. Who is she? How does God in His Word describe her? Does she pray faithfully each day? Is she used in the gifts of the Holy Spirit? Does she consistently do daily Bible study and have regular devotional times? The answer? — None of these traits is listed in God’s most extensive Scriptural description of the virtuous woman.

Now please understand me, there is no doubt that the excellent attributes listed above are valuable aspects of the lives of every Christian woman (and man). However, God devotes almost an entire chapter of the Bible to His description of the “virtuous woman”. And the favorable traits that God lists are, surprisingly to some readers, of a substantially different nature. Please go with me to the Bible’s grand description of the virtuous woman in the eyes of God — that is, Proverbs 31:10-31, quoted from the NIV and, where so noted, from the King James Version (KJV).

Proverbs 31:10, KJV Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

•• Thanks to the Lord, I found my virtuous woman in 1968 in Anchorage, Alaska. She witnessed to me and led me to saving faith in Jesus Christ. Four years later we were married and have now celebrated our 35th anniversary.

• Her worth has consistently proven to be “far above rubies”. I would describe my wife as “priceless!” I would readily suggest her as an illustration of the admirable traits that God lists in the following verses.

Vs. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.

•• A virtuous woman inspires absolute confidence in her husband. He can “safely trust in her” (KJV). She is not impetuous, scatterbrained, or unpredictable. Rather, she can be trusted. Her husband can be confident in her. She will never deliberately let him down.

•• The husband of a biblical, virtuous woman “lacks nothing of value”. That is illustrated by some of her remarkable traits in the succeeding verses.

Vs. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

•• The virtuous woman “brings him good” — that is, her husband. She is not a “liberated” woman as defined by modern feminists. She is God-fearing (vs. 31) and husband- and family-oriented. And these are seen throughout this chapter as positive traits.

• Proverbs 12:4 A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband.

•• She brings him good. There does seem to be biblical wisdom in the modern-day axiom that “behind every good man stands a good woman”. She is an asset to her husband. She will never intentionally bring harm his way.

Vs. 13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.

•• She is skilled and capable in working with fabric. The modern counterpart would be skill in things like quilting and sewing.

•• And notice that “she works”. There is no hint of laziness in this woman who is praised by God.

•• And she “worketh willingly with her hands” (KJV). She is “willing to get her hands dirty”, as the old saying goes. She is no prima donna! She is not “above” manual work.

Vs. 14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.

•• She understands that the duties of a wife and mother include ensuring that her family is well fed.

• A virtuous woman, may I suggest, will excel in this area. She will not only go about to learn the necessary cooking skills, but she will study sound nutrition and will ensure that her family is fed nutritiously, not with a high proportion of out-of-the-box junk food.

Vs. 15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.

•• This virtuous woman is not given to “sleeping in” in the mornings. No! Rather, she is up before dawn to make sure that her household is well fed.

• I cannot recall a single instance during our child-raising years when my wife left me and our four children to fend for ourselves at breakfast. She was always up early enough to send us off with a nutritious breakfast.

Vs. 16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

•• Amazing! This woman is no wimp! She has the intelligence and business sense to evaluate a piece of property and to buy it. She has her own “earnings”, with which she buys the field and plants a vineyard.

• In 1989 my wife was driving down a road near our rented home in Oregon. She spotted a vacant field for sale and came home and told me about it, recommending that we buy it. We went back together, looked it over, and did buy it. We then built on it the house in which we raised our four children over the next 15 years.

Vs. 17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.

•• The virtuous woman is not afraid of physical work. I recall one day in Alaska when we had 30 cubic yards of good topsoil dumped in our backyard. Our task was to spread it by wheelbarrow before planting our lawn. After some time I took a break to lie down exhausted, and my wife and a friend were still out there shoveling dirt!

Vs. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.

•• Like the bible’s virtuous woman, many modern women have their own home-based businesses. The woman in Proverbs 31 seems to have been a seamstress who sold garments and sashes (vss. 19, 24).

•• She apparently did her business well, working well into the evening, because “her trading [was] profitable”.

Vs. 19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

•• The virtuous woman learns domestic skills. My beloved maternal grandmother was an excellent seamstress. Widowed with seven children at home, her skills at making clothing were essential to keeping her children well clothed.

• My wife is an exceptionally gifted quilter. Our home is decorated in just about every room with the products of her skills. She made me personally a warm flannel quilt in a manly pattern that I treasure.

Vs. 20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

•• Her home-based skills have earned her a profitable income. She is ever willing to share this blessing with the poor and needy.

• I am reminded of stories told about America's Great Depression of the early 20th century, when millions were jobless, hungry, and sometimes homeless. Virtuous women by the thousands were known for their unflinching decision: "I will never turn a hungry person away from my door!"

Vs. 21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

•• She is fully aware of the priority of her family in her life over other things that might sidetrack her from her domestic responsibilities. She is an excellent illustration of the charge to younger women in Titus 2 (verse 5) to be “busy at home”.

Vs. 22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

•• Not only do her skills earn her an income from the merchants, she also makes sure that her own home’s needs are well cared for. The bed coverings referred to here could be similar to the quilts that my wife and many other virtuous women so painstakingly create.

•• This woman does not neglect her own appearance. She uses her skills to provide attractive clothing for herself.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 27, 2009)

Vs. 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

•• When I served in the United States Air Force as a junior officer, I noticed that the high-ranking officers’ wives were consistently women of noteworthy character. The admirable traits of a good wife can secure respect for her husband as well.

•• Notice the God-approved division of responsibilities. She was at home, caring for her home and family. He was in a place of respect at the city gates among the elders of the land. The city gates are where much ancient commerce was conducted. So it is not unreasonable to surmise that the husband was conducting his business affairs there.

Vs. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.

•• Already mentioned earlier, she seems to have had a home-based business. The surrounding verses make it clear, though, that she did not do this at the expense of the well-being of her household.

Vs. 25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.

•• The virtuous woman has a sense of dignity. She is not frivolous or embarrassing in her conduct.

•• She looks to the future and makes sure that her household is well supplied, so that she can “laugh at the days to come”.

Vs. 26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

•• This godly woman speaks with wisdom. Virtually daily I listen to the wisdom that proceeds from my wife’s words. In fact, as I write this bible study, I fully intend to present a rough draft copy to her, so that I can mine the jewels of wisdom and experience that she can add to my understanding of this womanly topic.

•• The virtuous woman will offer faithful instruction. The context of the surrounding verses places the location of this instruction in her home. My wife faithfully instructed our four children in character issues, domestic responsibilities, social graces, and much, much more. I was an involved father, but I must sincerely attribute to my wife the credit for the majority of the training that our children received. She was their at-home “mom”, and she made the home a place of both love and learning.

Vs. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

•• The bible defines the husband as the head of the home (1 Timothy 3:4-5; 1 Corinthians 11:3). However, his daytime responsibilities are outside the home, at “the city gates” (vs. 23). The wife-and-mother is at home, as this chapter clearly indicates. So it is her daily responsibility (not his) to “watch over the affairs of her household” (vs. 27). This is consistent with the apostle Paul’s counsel to the younger widows to “marry, to have children, to manage their homes...” (1 Timothy  5:14).

•• The virtuous woman “does not eat the bread of idleness”. To this day I marvel at my wife’s energy and drive to maintain a nice, orderly home. “Idleness” is a word that is alien to her!

Vs. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her.

•• Children raised by an involved, dedicated, loving, at-home mom rarely grow up feeling estranged from her. Rather, they bless her!

•• Likewise, the husband of such a virtuous woman will overflow with praise for her from his heart.

• I cannot adequately communicate in words how thankful I am for my wife. She has been an extraordinary mother to our children and a matchless wife to me.

Vs. 29 “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”

•• That is the sentiment that a biblical, virtuous woman as described in this chapter will evoke in her husband’s heart — “You are the best!”

Vs. 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

•• God is reminding us that beauty and charm are fleeting, temporal things. But that which earns genuine praise for a woman is that she is a God-fearing woman.

• I have mentioned a number of commendable traits in the virtuous woman I am married to. But the thing which surpasses them all is that she loves and serves the Lord with all her heart. She continues to inspire me with that dedication and faith. And her spiritual fervor has been an ever-visible example for our four children. I have certainly labored to train my children and be a godly example to them. But due in great measure to my wife’s input in their lives, all four children as adults are actively serving the Lord on their own.

Vs. 31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

•• A virtuous woman has a great reward coming from the Lord in eternity, along with the great fulfillment she will experience in this life for a “job well done”.

•• And her virtues will not only be known and blessed by her husband and children (vs. 28), but also her reputation will precede her to the “city gates”. The godly woman, whose life is patterned after Proverbs 31:10-31, will be well known and highly respected in her community.

--------------------------

Some concluding thoughts — Is Proverbs 31 the only place in the bible that describes the desirable traits of a believing woman? Of course not. There are other Scriptures that speak of women of prayer, women manifesting spiritual gifts, women sharing their testimonies, and much more.

However, there is no other Scripture portion that even remotely gives such a detailed description of the “virtuous woman” as does Proverbs 31:10-31. Repeating some of the highlights, the woman that God’s Word describes as praiseworthy:

• is of noble character

• is fully trustworthy

• is an asset to her husband

• is domestically skilled

• is concerned that her household be well and nutritiously fed

• is diligent, arising before dawn and busy until after dark

• is endowed with a good business sense, even to the point of buying a field and planting a vineyard

• may have her own profitable home-based business

• is a hard worker

• is generous to and aware of the poor and needy

• is wise in preparing her household for the needs of the days to come

• is wise in ensuring that she and her family are well and appropriately clothed

• is in proper relationship to her husband, who is out conducting his business affairs at the city gates

• is a woman of wisdom

• shows dignity and strength

• is a faithful instructor to her children

• is diligent to watch over her household

• is the recipient of blessing and praise from her children and her husband

• is above all a God-fearing, godly woman!

Such a woman has been enshrined in the Scriptures for several thousand years as God’s role model for the godly, virtuous woman. To the older women I say, teach these things to the younger women. To the younger women, I exhort you to resist the enticements of the antifamily feminist teachings of our day. Reach out, rather, to embrace God’s vision for you, His “virtuous women”. To such a woman God says (vs. 31), “Let her works praise her at the city gates.”

Postscript: This study is written with much deference and respect to those single women and widows who serve the Lord. They too may be deemed to be “virtuous women” in the light of the verses that apply to them in their unmarried state, both in Proverbs 31 and elsewhere in the Scriptures. In this bible study I have simply attempted to focus on the Proverbs 31 expression of God’s “virtuous woman” without trying to cover every possible marital situation. I extend my deepest respect to you virtuous ladies among the godly single women and widows!


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## Duchesse (Apr 27, 2009)

These are great and helpful responses ladies! Please post more...the lengthier the better!


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## MsSharee06 (Apr 27, 2009)

*This is an excellent thread please keep it coming... I've learned a lot about myself reading the posts. I've realized that I do have a problem with self centeredness at times...its important not to have this mindset in a relationship. I've realized its give and take; sacrifices will have to be made. Its funny after four years of being in a relationship, its finally starting to click. lol*


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## neenzmj (Apr 27, 2009)

*Address any issues you may have about men*

  Ephesians 5:33 says:  “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, *and the wife must respect her husband*.  Do you know how hard this can be when you’re carrying around a lot of old issues concerning men?

  I have a friend who is currently struggling with distrust, anger and resentment toward men, and though she really desires to be married, that combination is a recipe for marriage problems.

  Be honest with yourself.  If you’re struggling with any of these feelings, I want to offer the same advice I offered my friend:  take a step back and allow God to reveal and heal those hurts and give you the grace to forgive.  Marriage won't make those feelings disappear.  Many times, they just manifest themselves in different ways that can cause problems down the road.   Unload all that baggage before the Lord, whether it’s the disappointment from failed relationships, the hurt of a failed marriage, the pain of a dysfunctional father/daughter relationship or the trauma of molestation or rape.


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## ChelzBoo (Apr 27, 2009)

for me... i truely believe that before i expect god to bring me anybody worth marrying,* i must be willing to be married to him first.
*
and thats exactly what im doing.

the lord has givin me soo much peace on the matter of marriage that if i never, ever,ever, ever, ever get married or have children.... i'll be ok. a husband can only do so much. but the lord can do more than enough.


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## neenzmj (Apr 27, 2009)

Absolutely!



ChelzBoo said:


> for me... i truely believe that before i expect god to bring me anybody worth marrying,* i must be willing to be married to him first.
> *
> and thats exactly what im doing.
> 
> the lord has givin me soo much peace on the matter of marriage that if i never, ever,ever, ever, ever get married or have children.... i'll be ok. a husband can only do so much. but the lord can do more than enough.


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## inthepink (Apr 27, 2009)

neenzmj said:


> *Address any issues you may have about men*
> 
> Ephesians 5:33 says:  “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, *and the wife must respect her husband*.Do you know how hard this can be when you’re carrying around a lot of old issues concerning men?



This reminds me of a seminar I attended a fear years ago by the author of Love and Respect.  All about how woman ultimately needs love from a man and a man ultimately needs respect from a woman. If ever the chance,check out the book Love and Respect by by Emerson Eggerichs.

One thing I always notice when I think of these learnings is when women emasculate their husbands.  It really bothers me.

My parents have been married almost 40 years and sometimes I just want to tell them to stop acting like children and speak nicely to each other.   They go out and have fun and talk but at home, they drive me crazy just watching them  interact.  Their words can come out so harsh and  unfriendly (more so my mom towards my dad).  And it makes me so angry b/c they don't need to speak to each other that way.   I tried to share some of this information but I am sure it went in one ear and out the other.


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## momi (Apr 27, 2009)

ChelzBoo said:


> for me... i truely believe that before i expect god to bring me anybody worth marrying,* i must be willing to be married to him first.*
> 
> and thats exactly what im doing.
> 
> the lord has givin me soo much peace on the matter of marriage that if i never, ever,ever, ever, ever get married or have children.... i'll be ok. a husband can only do so much. but the lord can do more than enough.


 

Thats the truth!

Even the best husband makes a very poor god.


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## neenzmj (Apr 27, 2009)

hairlove:

I'm really glad you added this.  I asked my husband what's one of the worst thing a woman could do to a man.  His answer:  emasculate him.  Case in point:  my uncle is 73 years old and he still struggles with things of this nature that were said to him over 40 years ago.

I think it particularly important for us to lift up our African American men.  For some, the only place they may get that type of respect is in the home.



hairlove said:


> This reminds me of a seminar I attended a fear years ago by the author of Love and Respect.  All about how woman ultimately needs love from a man and a man ultimately needs respect from a woman. If ever the chance,check out the book Love and Respect by by Emerson Eggerichs.
> 
> One thing I always notice when I think of these learnings is when women emasculate their husbands.  It really bothers me.
> 
> My parents have been married almost 40 years and sometimes I just want to tell them to stop acting like children and speak nicely to each other.   They go out and have fun and talk but at home, they drive me crazy just watching them  interact.  Their words can come out so harsh and  unfriendly (more so my mom towards my dad).  And it makes me so angry b/c they don't need to speak to each other that way.   I tried to share some of this information but I am sure it went in one ear and out the other.


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## a_ caribbean_dream (May 4, 2009)

momi said:


> Learn how to embrace your feminie role.  The man God sends you to will need your help.  That is why you are called a helpmeet.  Begin to train yourself in things that will make you a proper help.  He doesnt need you to pay the bills - he should already be doing that.  He doesnt need you to be the spiritual covering in the home, he should be prepared to be that.  Not with the things God has required him to do.  This is not a popular idea, but I believe it is God's idea.  Does this mean a large part of your efforts will be home-centered?  It should.  If you work outside the home make sure you learn how to leave that role in the garage and come home to be "wife".  If you are a student, pursue a degree that will allow you flexibility necessary to make certain your husband and children are cared for.  He should not have to compete with your career.
> 
> 
> Many women make the mistake of taking on their husbands role which usually causes them to become lazy and not accomplish all God wants to accomplish through them.
> ...



I'm still struggling with this part after re-reading it several times.   

Right now I am in pursuit of a degree which will allow me to be comfortable at home and comfortably financially but I don't want to stop there.  I am currently in a decision making process which could potentially lead me into a career where it will be difficult to devote all my time to my family.

This is something that is very important to me, of course.  I want to fulfill my role as a wife and mother.  But I also feel like I need to accomplish my
personal goals as well...   


I guess what I am trying to say is: Do I really have to sacrifice my educational goals in order to fulfill a more feminine role at home?  As much as I desire to be a virtuous caring wife and mother,  I don't know how I feel about that..


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## momi (May 4, 2009)

a_ caribbean_dream said:


> I'm still struggling with this part after re-reading it several times.
> 
> Right now I am in pursuit of a degree which will allow me to be comfortable at home and comfortably financially but I don't want to stop there. I am currently in a decision making process which could potentially lead me into a career where it will be difficult to devote all my time to my family.
> 
> ...


 

I would not say that at all!  Continue with your education, keep your certifications current.  However I would do this always communicating with my  husband that you are in his corner and he has your full support AND giving him the deal or no deal card.  If he feels neglected and has un-met needs he should always be your priority (after God of course). That is why it is soooo important who we marry.  A man who is aware of his mandate to lay down his life for you will always want the best for you and submission is NO problem.  Submission is only a problem when we marry someone who we dont trust with our lives. It is funny that we will trust someone enough to have children with, but not enough to submit to his leadership and authority.  Although I submit to my husband, he is the one who makes the majority of the sacrifices in our home.  He is the one who often goes without to ensure I am able to remain home with my children, he is the one who sacrifices time when he is tired to care for my needs and the needs of his children.  Dont get me started... 

When the children come you have the choice of scaling things down dramatically during that season (while maintaining your credentials).  Afer they are older, then the possibility still exists for you to take on a bit more (if the desire is still there).

There are different seasons in marriage and family life.  While I believe strongly in homemaking, there are different times in marriage that you may have the time and energy to invest in other areas.  The bottom line is - somebody has to lose - just make sure it is not your family.


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## neenzmj (May 4, 2009)

momi:  Thank you so much for this.  I couldn't have said it better!  

I think it is vitally important for women to take a look at their priorities.  Never should a woman's marriage, husband or children have to compete with job and education.  Is it possible to have all three.  Yes, but it's crucial to know what comes first AND be prepared (not just in words) to walk away from the lesser of the priorities if it ever comes down to it.

Marriage is a wonderful gift from God, but it comes with sacrifices that both individuals must be prepared to make.  IF a woman has the slightest hint that there would be a problem making those sacrifices, she should reconsider marriage.



momi said:


> I would not say that at all!  Continue with your education, keep your certifications current.  However I would do this always communicating with my  husband that you are in his corner and he has your full support AND giving him the deal or no deal card.  If he feels neglected and has un-met needs he should always be your priority (after God of course). That is why it is soooo important who we marry.  A man who is aware of his mandate to lay down his life for you will always want the best for you and submission is NO problem.  Submission is only a problem when we marry someone who we dont trust with our lives. It is funny that we will trust someone enough to have children with, but not enough to submit to his leadership and authority.  Although I submit to my husband, he is the one who makes the majority of the sacrifices in our home.  He is the one who often goes without to ensure I am able to remain home with my children, he is the one who sacrifices time when he is tired to care for my needs and the needs of his children.  Dont get me started...
> 
> When the children come you have the choice of scaling things down dramatically during that season (while maintaining your credentials).  Afer they are older, then the possibility still exists for you to take on a bit more (if the desire is still there).
> 
> There are different seasons in marriage and family life.  While I believe strongly in homemaking, there are different times in marriage that you may have the time and energy to invest in other areas.  The bottom line is - somebody has to lose - just make sure it is not your family.


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## Amour (May 5, 2009)

http://www.crosswalk.com/singles/1243632/

This is an incredible article on being productive whilst single. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

The website is overally really good too.


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## a_ caribbean_dream (May 7, 2009)

momi said:


> I would not say that at all!  Continue with your education, keep your certifications current.  However I would do this always communicating with my  husband that you are in his corner and he has your full support AND giving him the deal or no deal card.  If he feels neglected and has un-met needs he should always be your priority (after God of course). That is why it is soooo important who we marry.  A man who is aware of his mandate to lay down his life for you will always want the best for you and submission is NO problem.  Submission is only a problem when we marry someone who we dont trust with our lives. It is funny that we will trust someone enough to have children with, but not enough to submit to his leadership and authority.  Although I submit to my husband, he is the one who makes the majority of the sacrifices in our home.  He is the one who often goes without to ensure I am able to remain home with my children, he is the one who sacrifices time when he is tired to care for my needs and the needs of his children.  Dont get me started...
> 
> When the children come you have the choice of scaling things down dramatically during that season (while maintaining your credentials).  Afer they are older, then the possibility still exists for you to take on a bit more (if the desire is still there).
> 
> There are different seasons in marriage and family life.  While I believe strongly in homemaking, there are different times in marriage that you may have the time and energy to invest in other areas.  The bottom line is - somebody has to lose - just make sure it is not your family.



Thank you for putting this into perspective for me!!!


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## divya (May 11, 2009)

Thank you for this thread!!!


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## Lovie (May 11, 2009)

I haven't read all of the posts yet. But I'm really glad to see this thread.


I would say that the best thing you can do as a single Christian is ask God to prepare you for your husband, and pray for God to prepare his husband for you at the same time. Then you will find yourself perfectly aligned to your specific ministry, whatever that may be.

I recently married - and I have been preparing all of my life. When I got lonely, I would pray for my husband. I would ask God to comfort him. I began praying for the man that I knew existed. This did two things, it increased my faith, it increased my worship, and it began strengthening a bond with the man God destined for me.

I learned so much from the author Michelle McKinney Hammond. I'll never forget when I was sad at work one day many years ago over a relationship gone sour, and my friend walked in with a book - The 7 Secrets of an Irresistible Woman. McKinney-Hammond is a Christian author who touches on so many powerful things that help each indifivudla identify who they are in Christ.

When you know who you are in Christ, you have no fear in what the world may bring, and you approach all of your challenges with the power that exists when you are under God's perfect order.

Also - fellowship with other married people. I was always around wiser, smarter, stronger people - because birds of a feather flock together. 

Take a close inventory of the characteristics of those around you. Often, unless you are ministering in some way, it is a strong reflection of innate qualities within you.


More later...


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## Lovie (May 11, 2009)

http://www.michellehammond.com/


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## inthepink (May 11, 2009)

Lovie said:


> I haven't read all of the posts yet. But I'm really glad to see this thread.
> 
> 
> I would say that the best thing you can do as a single Christian is ask God to prepare you for your husband, and pray for God to prepare his husband for you at the same time. Then you will find yourself perfectly aligned to your specific ministry, whatever that may be.
> ...




I like this idea...  What are some ways you can go about doing that especially when there seems to be many groups that are focused on married couples?


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## BeautifulFlower (May 11, 2009)

Ive been doing this alot lately but it gets a little hard. I find I feel lonely more often too. Is this normal.



Lovie said:


> I haven't read all of the posts yet. But I'm really glad to see this thread.
> 
> 
> I would say that the best thing you can do as a single Christian is ask God to prepare you for your husband, and pray for God to prepare his husband for you at the same time. Then you will find yourself perfectly aligned to your specific ministry, whatever that may be.
> ...


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## Lovie (May 15, 2009)

a_ caribbean_dream said:


> I'm still struggling with this part after re-reading it several times.
> 
> Right now I am in pursuit of a degree which will allow me to be comfortable at home and comfortably financially but I don't want to stop there.  I am currently in a decision making process which could potentially lead me into a career where it will be difficult to devote all my time to my family.
> 
> ...




No. Even the Proverbs 31 woman worked in the market. Its about balance and how you are to support in the way God ordained for your marriage. Each marriage ministry is unique. Pray for discernment and wisdom in this matter, God will make it clear what His will is for you.


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## Lovie (May 15, 2009)

HairLove -
There are a few ways you can position yourself.

Spend Time With Older Couples.
Sometimes this may mean stepping away from those close in your circle, but you broaden your understanding as you seek wisdom from examples of strong marriages. Often the activites that they participate in are more positive, and you learn to appreciate the value in relationships that stretch you a bit. Learn tips that you will apply one day. I spent much time learning from others older and wiser. This was good because my heart wasn't seeking anything with ulterior motives in searching for a mate. 

Grab A Friend - And Attend Couples Events
Even though events are marketed for those "intended" to be engaged, or married, why not position yourself to understand the ministries of couples who have been in it for the long haul? This increases your knowledge. I believe when you position yourself for something, you will receive it. The more you reinforce walking into the destiny that God has, the stronger your faith is. And we know that increase in faith brings fruition in some form or another. Its usually a beautiful surprise. 

Also, many people do singles conferences, etc. I never did, not that they are not powerful. I found more positivity in defining myself with personal activities - and not being afraid to do things alone. That strengthened self-confidence and awareness of who I was, and reinforced my self-definition based on my own experience .That will prove valuable when you are in a serious relationship heading towards marriage. You must know that you gave you time.


To PrettyFaceAnB-
Yes, it is normal to feel lonely. That is OK. Just make sure that you don't fill that emptiness with anything other than Christ's love and power. Doing so gives him permission to act on your behalf in the specific area of challenge. If you're lonely, cry to God instead, ask him to align your heart. Then seek how you are to prepare yourself in the mean time as a wife Make sure you are not "hungry" for love. You know how when you're hungry, almost ANYTHING will work to satisfy your appetite? Well, the same can hold true in our desires for companionship. Sometimes, we compromise in God's best for us because we cannot tolerate personal discomfort. We will settle for the first thing that satisfies our appetite! This can include personal friendships, and relationships with males. But it is through our weakness that Christ is made stronger in us -- when we give him permission to operate in the situation. Replace your hunger for a husband with a hunger for God. It takes practice, and then it will come natural. When you feel lonely, pray sweet little prayers for your husband. When you miss him, write him a love letter. He is out there! And one day, when you are married, he would love to know that you were keeping him covered, as God was working in both of your lives to bring you together. I used to buy Valentine's Day cards when I was single. And write how much I missed him and couldnt wait to meet him. It holds unmeasurable sentimental value later. When you feel lonely, ask yourself why? Do you believe God's promise has changed? If you begin trusting in God instead of fearing that you won't be attended to, your focus will remain on the right thing, and your spirit will attract what is healthy and good.


Being single is a blessing. You have the ability to only have to submit to God, and walk freely in your ministry. Give permission for Christ and the Holy Spirit to move in each area of your life so that your walk is pleasing to God as you continue in your preparation of being the woman God chose you to be in the very beginning.


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## JinaRicci (May 16, 2009)

I love this thread- just read the whole thing and it brought so much comfort to me.

Lovie- thanks for your post on praying for your future mate.  I used to do that and stopped late last yr when I got so discouraged but I need to start again and your post reminded me of that.  I really like what you said about praying for him creates a bond between you and him through God... that is just awesome.

I'm still learning to be the woman that God has destined for me to be in preparation for marriage and God is teaching me about the man that he has created for me.  I know I'm not ready yet but I know that God has something wonderful in store for me.  He's told me that I am the apple of His eye which means that the man He has in store for me is also the apple of His eye.  And I am looking forward to it.

Thanks ladies- I learned a whole lot.


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## moonglowdiva (May 17, 2009)

* Oops. I posted this in the wrong thread. .*


----------



## Lovie (May 19, 2009)

a_ caribbean_dream said:


> I'm still struggling with this part after re-reading it several times.
> 
> Right now I am in pursuit of a degree which will allow me to be comfortable at home and comfortably financially but I don't want to stop there.  I am currently in a decision making process which could potentially lead me into a career where it will be difficult to devote all my time to my family.
> 
> ...





JinaRicci said:


> I love this thread- just read the whole thing and it brought so much comfort to me.
> 
> Lovie- thanks for your post on praying for your future mate.  I used to do that and stopped late last yr when I got so discouraged but I need to start again and your post reminded me of that.  I really like what you said about praying for him creates a bond between you and him through God... that is just awesome.
> 
> ...



You're welcome.


----------



## Lovie (May 19, 2009)

hairlove said:


> After reading Lady in Waiting and Choosing God's Best, I truly believe that to prepare  for a godly marriage, you need to prepare by becoming a godly woman.   Right  now, I am very focused on being the godly woman who God wants me to be.
> 
> I've just started reading the book Beautiful in God's Eyes - The Treasures of the Proverbs 31 Woman by Elizabeth George.   The Bible is definitely my guidebook but I also like Christian self-help to break things down by topics.  I can see this book  just being one of many that can only help me in learning some of the things  the ladies above have mentioned.



ITA with everything you said. 
Enjoy this time in your life!! It is fun and exciting time as you prepare. The best of it all is how you and God grow together.


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## neenzmj (May 19, 2009)

I held a single women's meeting at my home this past weekend and this is EXACTLY what I recommended to the ladies.  There are wonderful things about marriage but there are equally wonderful things being in being single and I think we should all learn to celebrate whatever place we're at in our lives.  

I'm married and what I said to the ladies was this:  NOW is the time to allow yourself to be a little little selfish (for lack of a better word.)  By that I mean, this is the time when you can devote your time to school, career, traveling... anything that you desire that is not outside of God.  As a married woman, I cannot just up and decide "hey, I want to take a trip to Paris."  I have to consider my spouse in my decisions.  I'm now going back to school, but even in that, I have to always be mindful of how much time I devote to school and how much I devote to my husband.  Bottom line:  my marriage is much more important than any career or any degree.  I chose to put school on hold so that I could devote my time and energy to my children when they were young.  Well, now they're grown and I can pursue my degree without taking anything away from them. 

So, if you're single, take advantage of this season in your life.




Lovie said:


> ITA with everything you said.
> Enjoy this time in your life!! It is fun and exciting time as you prepare. The best of it all is how you and God grow together.


----------



## inthepink (May 19, 2009)

neenzmj said:


> I held a single women's meeting at my home this past weekend and this is EXACTLY what I recommended to the ladies.  There are wonderful things about marriage but there are equally wonderful things being in being single and I think we should all learn to celebrate whatever place we're at in our lives.
> 
> I'm married and what I said to the ladies was this:  NOW is the time to allow yourself to be a little little selfish (for lack of a better word.)  By that I mean, this is the time when you can devote your time to school, career, traveling... anything that you desire that is not outside of God.  As a married woman, I cannot just up and decide "hey, I want to take a trip to Paris."  I have to consider my spouse in my decisions.  I'm now going back to school, but even in that, I have to always be mindful of how much time I devote to school and how much I devote to my husband.  Bottom line:  my marriage is much more important than any career or any degree.  I chose to put school on hold so that I could devote my time and energy to my children when they were young.  Well, now they're grown and I can pursue my degree without taking anything away from them.
> 
> So, if you're single, take advantage of this season in your life.



The world needs more women like you! 

I remind myself of this all the time.  That I should relish in being able to make decisions on my own like taking a trip or whatever it is.  When I'm married, I can't do that.  (Of course, there are two sides to everything b/c sometimes I wish I had a spouse to help me make a decision.)  When I have these "fun" decisions come up, I remind myself that it is a benefit of being single that I can make the decision for myself and it really doesn't affect anyone else.


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## momi (May 19, 2009)

neenzmj said:


> I held a single women's meeting at my home this past weekend and this is EXACTLY what I recommended to the ladies. There are wonderful things about marriage but there are equally wonderful things being in being single and I think we should all learn to celebrate whatever place we're at in our lives.
> 
> I'm married and what I said to the ladies was this: NOW is the time to allow yourself to be a little little selfish (for lack of a better word.) By that I mean, this is the time when you can devote your time to school, career, traveling... anything that you desire that is not outside of God. As a married woman, I cannot just up and decide "hey, I want to take a trip to Paris." I have to consider my spouse in my decisions. I'm now going back to school, but even in that, I have to always be mindful of how much time I devote to school and how much I devote to my husband. Bottom line: my marriage is much more important than any career or any degree. I chose to put school on hold so that I could devote my time and energy to my children when they were young. Well, now they're grown and I can pursue my degree without taking anything away from them.
> 
> So, if you're single, take advantage of this season in your life.


 
Sound advice.  I have been contemplating something similar in my home, there is just so much I want to cover.  I am praying about where to start... single women, married women, biblical womanhood/femininity...
Can you share more about how you started this ministry? Is it something that will take place on a regular schedule?


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## neenzmj (May 20, 2009)

momi:

I started in part by reading some of the posts on LHFC and partially because of the many misconceptions about marriage that I hear from single women I talk with.  My husband and I have a marriage ministry and we're passionate about spreading the good news about marriage (the way God intended it.)

I polled the ladies and they all unanimously agreed that it was something that they were very interested in being a part of on a regular basis.  I'm also considering doing some type of video conferencing for those who want to be a part of it, but don't live in this area (that may be down the road, though.)





momi said:


> Sound advice.  I have been contemplating something similar in my home, there is just so much I want to cover.  I am praying about where to start... single women, married women, biblical womanhood/femininity...
> Can you share more about how you started this ministry? Is it something that will take place on a regular schedule?


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## momi (May 20, 2009)

neenzmj said:


> momi:
> 
> I started in part by reading some of the posts on LHFC and partially because of the many misconceptions about marriage that I hear from single women I talk with. My husband and I have a marriage ministry and we're passionate about spreading the good news about marriage (the way God intended it.)
> 
> I polled the ladies and they all unanimously agreed that it was something that they were very interested in being a part of on a regular basis. I'm also considering doing some type of video conferencing for those who want to be a part of it, but don't live in this area (that may be down the road, though.)


 

Thanks for the reply.  My husband and I are passionate about marriage as well. I will continue praying about this.


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## chicacanella (May 23, 2009)

momi said:


> Great question:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 

*No, I totally agree. Alot of 21st women find it odd that I would want to take care of my husband (future) and future household? But it's something innate in me that makes me a giver. And I think again, as it always seems I blame alot of Western concepts on the enemy (aka the debil) but it's true. Feminism has reduced women or distorted the role of womenhood/wives/motherhood and how we should take pride in our God-given assignment.*

*Provers 31 talks about a virtuous women. This is not a woman that is just sitting at home watching soap operas y'all; even though the world/feminists would make it seem so. She is out handling business for her household in order to be a...you guessed, help-meet. *


*10* [c] A wife of noble character who can find? 
       She is worth far more than rubies. 
*11* Her husband has full confidence in her 
       and lacks nothing of value. 
*12* She brings him good, not harm, 
       all the days of her life. 
*13* She selects wool and flax 
       and works with eager hands. 
*14* She is like the merchant ships, 
       bringing her food from afar. 
*15* She gets up while it is still dark; 
       she provides food for her family 
       and portions for her servant girls. 
*16* She considers a field and buys it; 
       out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 
*17* She sets about her work vigorously; 
       her arms are strong for her tasks. 
*18* *She sees that her trading is profitable,* 
       and her lamp does not go out at night. 
*19* In her hand she holds the distaff 
       and grasps the spindle with her fingers. 
*20* She opens her arms to the poor 
       and extends her hands to the needy. 
*21* When it snows, she has no fear for her household; 
       for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 
*22* She makes coverings for her bed; 
       she is clothed in fine linen and purple. 
*23* Her husband is respected at the city gate, 
       where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. 
*24* *She makes linen garments and sells them, 
*       and supplies the merchants with sashes. 
*25* She is clothed with strength and dignity; 
       she can laugh at the days to come. 
*26* She speaks with wisdom, 
       and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 
*27* *She watches over the affairs of her household 
       and does not eat the bread of idleness.* 
*28* Her children arise and call her blessed; 
       her husband also, and he praises her: 
*29* "Many women do noble things, 
       but you surpass them all." 
*30* Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; 
       but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.  *31* Give her the reward she has earned, 
       and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.


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## phynestone (Jun 1, 2009)

Pretty-

Thanks for starting this thread. It has been so helpful.


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## BeautifulFlower (Jun 1, 2009)

What do you ladies have to say about being specific about what you ask God for in a husband? 

Yay or Nay? What did you ask God for and what did you receive?


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## Lioness (Jun 2, 2009)

Thanks to all of the contributors in this thread. The advice I have received just reading through the pages is invaluable... Lord knows I needed it. 

I know my temper needs improvement, but not unil I read this thread did I realise how such traits could impact on a marriage. God bless you who have imparted knowledge here. I don't know where else I would have gotten such good Godly advice.




prettyfaceANB said:


> What do you ladies have to say about being specific about what you ask God for in a husband?
> 
> Yay or Nay? What did you ask God for and what did you receive?



I also would like the answer to this question! I have written a list of qualities I would like my husband to possess, but I wonder whether I am perhaps being too controlling by writing a specific list of attributes my husband should have- should we, so to speak, let go and let God?


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## BeautifulFlower (Jun 2, 2009)

Lioness said:


> Thanks to all of the contributors in this thread. The advice I have received just reading through the pages is invaluable... Lord knows I needed it.
> 
> I know my temper needs improvement, but not unil I read this thread did I realise how such traits could impact on a marriage. God bless you who have imparted knowledge here. I don't know where else I would have gotten such good Godly advice.
> 
> ...


 
I also think of this but the bible does say write the vision and make it plan. In life I notice I often get what I ask for good, bad, or indifferent. If I have no set standards or expectations, does that leave me open to accept anything?


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## inthepink (Jun 2, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> What do you ladies have to say about being specific about what you ask God for in a husband?
> 
> Yay or Nay? What did you ask God for and what did you receive?



I like this idea.  I am working on my own "list" (for lack of a better term) and plan to keep it near my bible so that I can remember to pray on it.

I don't think it's a bad idea.  So, God knows that I have the desire for a husband even before I pray for him.  I still pray for him anyway.   So, I also have a desire for someone I'm attracted to - nothing wrong with me praying for that either.  That's how I see it anyway.


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## Lovie (Jun 2, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> What do you ladies have to say about being specific about what you ask God for in a husband?
> 
> Yay or Nay? What did you ask God for and what did you receive?




I asked for God to use me to do his will. I gave him full permission to choose the mate that was best for me. I said something along the lines of, "Dad, you know me better than anyone, and you know I want to be the person you purposed me to be. Choose the mate, I give you permission to choose him for me - and prepare me to be the wife that is everything that he searches for too. Make us compatible in the key areas that are important in relationships. And as a bonus, make him understanding, affectionate, compassionate, honest, reliable, and committed to your principles above everything else."

I could go on and on - but meanwhile my husband was praying the same prayer for me in another part of the country. When we met, neither he nor I held ALL of the traits we asked for. Beautifully enough, that grew in time through our friendship, we actually helped each other unintentionally become better in Christ. Additionally, if you're doing any good youre going to grow. And growing means changing. How many people change over a year or two, then "outgrow" their relationships? Sometimes we're fortunate to have friends that walk with us for a lifetime. But many relationships are seasonal.

A marriage is a LIFETIME committment. You dont know where your life is going, you just have a vision that God has placed in you. Well, your husband has a vision too, and your best bet is to make sure that the mate you are bound together and yolked with is one who is a part of the plan that God has for you...because then your vision is one in the same, and you stand in agreement with power and strength beyond measure. 

That what love is about - giving of yourself CONSTANTLY, even when it hurts, not trying to find fulfillment. You do well alone  - but you have the optimized situation when you are together because you compliment each other. You are also under severe attack because the enemy truly wants to take away the power of agreement with everything. Divorce is NOT an option as a child of the King. We hurt him and disgrace the new covenenat in a bloodline that has never existed before in the Kingdom of God.

My husband and I, we both sowed into each other in so many ways while taking our individual walk. Then, over time, the Lord opened our eyes to the possibilities that lay between us if we walked in his will. Once we began to grow, the exciting thing was, there is no fear of outgrowing each other. Everyone changes, its supposed to happen. But having God choose your mate can guarantee that he is the one who will have the qualities you want now...and the ones you will want in 10 years.


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## Lovie (Jun 2, 2009)

PS: Be careful what you ask for! You just might get it. My husband and I were laughing the other day because he said, "I always wanted a "girly girl" who enjoyed being feminine. I meant to ask God for a girly girl who enjoyed being feminine and loved sports."



What can I say, I am trying.


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## BeautifulFlower (Feb 14, 2011)

Boy I forgot about this thread. Its really helping me right now. Thank you ladies again and if anyone wants to contribute more please do.


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## LoveisYou (Feb 14, 2011)

LOVE this thread, and I enjoyed that crosswalk article!


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## LifeafterLHCF (Feb 15, 2011)

This thread I believe just revealed I may never get married under a christian view point. I would never give up my career for a man nor would I expect a man to give up his.I often feel my life is more so for me to enjoy and build wealth and it would be nice to have some one to share that with but with all the extras this thread reveals Im not pretty enough or danity enough to be married like some of those who have posted.

Maybe I need to think about just doing a long term dating or be ok with never feeling a man again bc this is utter disturbing.


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## dicapr (Feb 15, 2011)

GoddessMaker said:


> This thread I believe just revealed I may never get married under a christian view point. I would never give up my career for a man nor would I expect a man to give up his.I often feel my life is more so for me to enjoy and build wealth and it would be nice to have some one to share that with but with all the extras this thread reveals Im not pretty enough or danity enough to be married like some of those who have posted.
> 
> Maybe I need to think about just doing a long term dating or be ok with never feeling a man again bc this is utter disturbing.


 

Don't give up hope.  I'm sure there are some christian men who feel the same way.  What one person's "ideal" marriage is not anothers.  To be married to someone who does not share your value system, ie career goals, is to be in an unequally yoked relationship.  I know christian couples where one or both of the spouses are career minded. One couple decided not to have children because of their career goals.  You just have to find someone with your value system.


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## LovelyRo (Feb 15, 2011)

Great Thread!


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## BeautifulFlower (Feb 15, 2011)

You're post is a bit confusing. 

Where do you see that you have to give up your career for your man? 

It is common (Christian or not) that being a wife requires sacrifice and one of those sacrifices may be making sure your ambitions dont cause you to neglect your man. But you can insert children, ministry, volunteering, etc. in that category. Your husband should always come first on this earth and you should always be first with him. Marriage is the most intimate bond you will share with any one person on this earth.

So pursue your ambitions (even aggressively) but dont let your ambitions cause you to lose the more important things in your life. If you two talk on the issue ahead of time, he will understand your goals and support your dreams.

Where does it say you have to be "pretty enough" to be married? 

I've seen all kinds of women get married. The most beautiful and the most plain. I've also seen all kinds of women not get married. The most beautiful and the plain. Looks have little to do with the marrying process. As long as your man likes it, who is anyone to complain? 

Alot of men like feminine women. This is no surprise because most women want a masculine man. But that doesnt mean you have to be a "princess" or "helpless" or "a copy-cat" of any other women out there. Just be yourself but be a lady. 

If you are a Christian christ-following woman, there is an understanding that every must be done in decency and order. If you want to do it your way completely, thats fine. But if you want God's best, you have to seek him and biblical counsel on what a godly woman should do to prepare for a godly marriage. Thats your choice.




GoddessMaker said:


> This thread I believe just revealed I may never get married under a christian view point. I would never give up my career for a man nor would I expect a man to give up his.I often feel my life is more so for me to enjoy and build wealth and it would be nice to have some one to share that with but with all the extras this thread reveals Im not pretty enough or danity enough to be married like some of those who have posted.
> 
> Maybe I need to think about just doing a long term dating or be ok with never feeling a man again bc this is utter disturbing.


----------



## Aviah (Feb 17, 2011)

prettyfaceANB said:


> A Virtuous Woman In the Eyes of God
> by Pastor Jim Feeney, Ph.D.
> 
> 
> ...



I really do not mean to put a downer on this thread, but what is wrong with  a grown man making breakfast for himself and his children?

And is it really imperative for a woman to learn how to sew just to be a wife?spinning:


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## LifeafterLHCF (Feb 17, 2011)

prettyfaceANB said:


> You're post is a bit confusing.
> 
> Where do you see that you have to give up your career for your man?
> 
> ...


 

Reading things here and things I have observed for many years for a woman to marry nicely a good christian man whatever your defintion is one has to look a certain way.Society makes it very hard for someone like me to date so marriage is almost not a option even though I want it to be.

In the relationship thread I put I want a man I can serve and was told I was in essence nuts.Society and religious life makes it very perplexing.I'm not the right size,color,soci-ecnomic status.I dont posses the right features or graces some like many of the ladies here who posted.

I try to be the domestic but I'm still very driven.I'm very perplexed about marriage I want it but it doesn't seem to align when I can't even get a date.


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## Prudent1 (Feb 17, 2011)

Aviah said:


> I really do not mean to put a downer on this thread, but what is wrong with a grown man making breakfast for himself and his children?
> 
> And is it really imperative for a woman to learn how to sew just to be a wife?spinning:


LOL. There's nothing wrong with a man cooking for himself and the kids no more than anything wrong with mom doing it. I think his point was that was something she _wanted_ to do, was happy to do, not out of _obligation_. For example, when I cook I feel happy. I like to see ppl enjoying the fruits of my labor. I like knowing that I am serving tasty nutritional meals to my family and loved ones. It is a part of me loving them just as much as hugs and kisses. Likewise, I think the sewing analogy was something _his_ wife did b/c she likes/enjoys it. For others it may be singing, writing, etc. that causes their hubby's chest to swell. When you are loved in a marriage and understand that pleasing your spouse brings you even _more_ pleasure, you don't feel threatened or obligated while doing 'whatever'. Perfect love casts out fear. The fear that you will be taken for granted, that things might not work out, or you might end up looking foolish dissapates.*
*[FONT=Times New Roman,Times New Roman][FONT=Times New Roman,Times New Roman][/FONT][/FONT]Since this was just a glimpse and the wife didn't get to weigh in we don't know. Perhaps he and the kids offered many times to help out but that was her thing and she declined smiling the whole time? He IMO, was trying to paint a picture of selflessness as displayed by _his_ wife. When a man feels_ that_ good about you, you can ask him for anything and he'll break his neck to get it for you. The key is balance and whatever that couple have prayerfully decided on as workable for them. It is usually women (and men) who have never really seen a loving marriage IRL who adopt a "I ain't doing x,y,or z" standpoint. The ridiculous things done under the banner of marriage has gotten so far out of control until many ppl have no idea what a real marriage looks like. It' slike everything else you hear on the news- all doom and gloom. Let someone try to run a feature story on godly couples who are happily married the producers would be like next.... Misery, fear, panic, those things sell.


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## BeautifulFlower (Feb 17, 2011)

GoddessMaker said:


> Reading things here and things I have observed for many years for a woman to marry nicely a good christian man whatever your defintion is one has to look a certain way.Society makes it very hard for someone like me to date so marriage is almost not a option even though I want it to be.
> 
> *In the relationship thread I put I want a man I can serve and was told I was in essence nuts.*Society and religious life makes it very perplexing.I'm not the right size,color,soci-ecnomic status.I dont posses the right features or graces some like many of the ladies here who posted.
> 
> I try to be the domestic but I'm still very driven.I'm very perplexed about marriage I want it but it doesn't seem to align when I can't even get a date.


 
I dont know what this is about because marriage is about serving and sacrifice from a Christian prespective. You my lady, can not receive the advice or prespectives of everyone but I will say this...

Right, shape, color, social-economic status has no bearin on whether you will get married. Trust me, I have seen ALL walks of life in the church get married and I go to a very big church so I see all kinds of people. You getting married or even getting a date has little to do with the way you look. It has to do with your confidence level and belief system. You do not have the confidence that you are enough all by yourself and therefore not "worthy" enough for marriage. I will tell you, thats bull and a lie from Satan himself. 

Two, you believe a good Christian man will not want to marry you. You believe that because you think you have to be something you do not want to be. The advice in this thread are for those that can receive it but many women have not read a word like this and have walked down the aisle. Honey, you need to understand what you believe about yourself makes up your life. If you believe without doubt that marriage is for you, you can be married. 

Take some time to evaluate why you believe these things and STOP looking at the media or others around you for confirmation about what your future holds for YOU. Look to Jesus only...pray to him and ask him to show you what the world can not.


----------



## Ladybelle (Feb 17, 2011)

I didn't read all of the responses, so I don't know if this has been said already. 

But, one of the things IMHO that women *must *do to be prepared for marriage is to be ready to be absolutely selfless, be ready to serve your husband. For a successful marriage, I think a wife must go into it with the mentality of what she is going to do for her husband, what she has to offer him vs what he's going to do for her. 

Another thing I would mention is to learn humbleness & meekness. They are as important as the willingness to be selfless. Good wives make good husbands, we have so much control over our husbands actions with our own actions. (noticed I said actions, not words.) 

Above all, I think the woman has to be very selective in whom she chooses to marry. It can be very difficult to have a serving,humble mentality if your dh is trifling, lazy, disrespectful or etc.


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## BeautifulFlower (Feb 17, 2011)

This guys interpretation isnt gospel because some men like to cook and prefer to be the cook in the house. 

I dont ever see myself making clothes but i want my kids and husband to always look nice and if something needs to be stitched together, I doubt my husband will be doing it.



Aviah said:


> I really do not mean to put a downer on this thread, but what is wrong with  a grown man making breakfast for himself and his children?
> 
> And is it really imperative for a woman to learn how to sew just to be a wife?spinning:


----------



## Aviah (Feb 18, 2011)

Prudent1 said:


> LOL. There's nothing wrong with a man cooking for himself and the kids no more than anything wrong with mom doing it. I think his point was that was something she _wanted_ to do, was happy to do, not out of _obligation_. For example, when I cook I feel happy. I like to see ppl enjoying the fruits of my labor. I like knowing that I am serving tasty nutritional meals to my family and loved ones. It is a part of me loving them just as much as hugs and kisses. Likewise, I think the sewing analogy was something _his_ wife did b/c she likes/enjoys it. For others it may be singing, writing, etc. that causes their hubby's chest to swell. When you are loved in a marriage and understand that pleasing your spouse brings you even _more_ pleasure, you don't feel threatened or obligated while doing 'whatever'. Perfect love casts out fear. The fear that you will be taken for granted, that things might not work out, or you might end up looking foolish dissapates.*
> *Since this was just a glimpse and the wife didn't get to weigh in we don't know. Perhaps he and the kids offered many times to help out but that was her thing and she declined smiling the whole time? He IMO, was trying to paint a picture of selflessness as displayed by _his_ wife. When a man feels_ that_ good about you, you can ask him for anything and he'll break his neck to get it for you. The key is balance and whatever that couple have prayerfully decided on as workable for them. It is usually women (and men) who have never really seen a loving marriage IRL who adopt a "I ain't doing x,y,or z" standpoint. The ridiculous things done under the banner of marriage has gotten so far out of control until many ppl have no idea what a real marriage looks like. It' slike everything else you hear on the news- all doom and gloom. Let someone try to run a feature story on godly couples who are happily married the producers would be like next.... Misery, fear, panic, those things sell.





prettyfaceANB said:


> This guys interpretation isnt gospel because some men like to cook and prefer to be the cook in the house.
> 
> I dont ever see myself making clothes but i want my kids and husband to always look nice and if something needs to be stitched together, I doubt my husband will be doing it.




Thanks guys. I do like to cook for my family, and SO, and I would love to learn some sewing tricks from my mom. Growing up we were always so skinny clothes never fit us properly. It was a real convenience she could make them shorter, take in the waist, etc. I just don't want that to be my _job_.

SO and I are looking at marriage and I'm looking at these threads trying to get what God wants us to do, and separate it from "Christian Culture". For example, back in Jesus's days there were so many things that became common practice that God originally didn't want. The same way many things have become part of culture in Christianity, when God didn't call for it- you know what I mean?

Of course the Word is our guide, but it's nice to see how it works in practice.


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## Prudent1 (Feb 18, 2011)

@Aviah,
^^^ Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!! I hope you and SO find some good godly premarital couseling. It is priceless! Here are a few books I recommend and often purchase IRL as gifts for those about to be wed.
Making Marriage Work- https://shop.joycemeyer.org/eStore/Products/JMM/PID-BK69.aspx
The Successful Family- Creflo Dollar Ministries - The Successful Family
Anything by Gary Smalley. Check out his website. It is FULL of martial info.The Official site of Gary Smalley, Michael and Amy Smalley, and Greg and Erin Smalley! | Expert advice on dating, marriage, and parenting from a name you trust - Smalley!
I especially like this book- Before You Plan Your Wedding, Plan Your Marriage Before You Plan Your Wedding...Plan Your Marriage
Also look at Focus on the Family- www. family.org
Ok, I'll stop now. I am dead serious about biblical marriage though...


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## phynestone (Feb 18, 2011)

I feel as if I have been preparing for marriage for several years. Improving my finances, staying on top of my appearance, helping my family and friends, furthering my education, but most important, strengthening my relationship with God. I don't know if I'm going through a cocooning stage, but I spend a lot of time on my own and sometimes I wonder if God is protecting me from bad elements and people. Or perhaps I'm just not ready. It is a desire of mine and while it is not my place to judge others or where they are, sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me when I am doing all of the "right" things. 


This is a great thread, btw.


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## makeupgirl (Feb 18, 2011)

I believe I've been in preparation for years too.  I've been learning to cook, clean properly (yeah my mom had to teach me how to properly wash dishes...sad), of course, paying bills and attempting to improve my credit history.  I will have to say that I'm not good at all and have already confess this to the Lord that I'm not good with Finance and hope that hubby is.  What he may be good in, I'm not and vice versa.  My pastor and his wife told us during bible study that he doesn't cut the grass because his wife is good at it and now she's afraid to drive and he has taken over the responsiblity.  But together they sit down and go over the bills.  

Good news is that I'm learning to curve my handbag/shopping habit.


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## Aviah (Feb 18, 2011)

Prudent1 said:


> @Aviah,
> ^^^ Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!! I hope you and SO find some good godly premarital couseling. It is priceless! Here are a few books I recommend and often purchase IRL as gifts for those about to be wed.
> Making Marriage Work- https://shop.joycemeyer.org/eStore/Products/JMM/PID-BK69.aspx
> The Successful Family- Creflo Dollar Ministries - The Successful Family
> ...



Lol, thanks for the information but I am not engaged yet, but think I will be this year. SO and I have been talking about it seriously this year, more than the past so, I figure there's no harm in preparation.


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## BeautifulFlower (Feb 19, 2011)

I would encourage all of us to meditate on 

Colossians 2:9 For in Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily; 10 *and you are complete in Him*, who is the head of all principality and power.

Are you complete in him or waiting for that missing piece in your life? Are you satisfied in him only or doing things for him so he can satisfy you with your desires?

I was convicted of this last night. I want to share so we can begin to really understand that though marriage is good and righteous, it will not satisfy us like we may anticipate. 

If you are happy and complete in joy in Christ before marriage, you will be after marriage. If you are not before marriage, you will not be after marriage. 

Which leads me to believe that...I should be living my fullest and most joyous time now. Today without my mate. I should not be waiting for him to add something to my life that I currently do not have but another person I'll have to be accountable to. In reality, I know my job as a wife will be to serve and not be served.


But this does not stop my desires when I am complete in him, it just places it in perspective. I pray and pray and pray some more until my mate comes then I'll keep praying because I am called to pray without ceasing. But I know my joy and happiness is in Christ Jesus. No husband, child, career, ministry, or earthly thing. I am going to live my best now and my husband will be an additional to that already established happiness, not the source.


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## a_ caribbean_dream (Feb 22, 2011)

prettyfaceANB said:


> I would encourage all of us to meditate on
> 
> Colossians 2:9 For in Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily; 10 *and you are complete in Him*, who is the head of all principality and power.
> 
> ...



Amen and amen.  Thank you for this post.  I am struggling with this, BADLY.


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## Zeal (Feb 22, 2011)

neenzmj said:


> Here's a response I gave to a post on Relationships (How Long Is Too Long). I think it applies to "getting ready."
> 
> "I knew I was really ready when I figured out that *I had to be willing to be a wife according to God's word* AND that the man I married had to be the type of husband God called men to be. Specifically, that meant I had to be in a place of understanding about *submission* and that being submissive does not take anything away from who I am as an individual. So, if a woman isn't ready to be submissive -- she's not ready.
> 
> ...


 
 Are you in my head.  I was just having this conversation Sunday night with a friend.  I was telling him that all the timebefore that I was not rady.  But I am closer to being ready now.  Why??? because of everything that you posted above.


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## LifeafterLHCF (Feb 22, 2011)

prettyfaceANB said:


> I would encourage all of us to meditate on
> 
> Colossians 2:9 For in Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily; 10 *and you are complete in Him*, who is the head of all principality and power.
> 
> ...


 

Question and maybe Im just not christian enough but the serving part throws me.I feel its mutally both parties should serve one another..I think this is why I become highly irrated by marriage convo's with some bc it appears we have to be doormats without expectations of receieving love and care back from the hubby.

But the rest of your post is very hot bc this can be applied on so many other areas of life.


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## Prudent1 (Feb 22, 2011)

GoddessMaker said:


> Question and maybe Im just not christian enough but the serving part throws me.I feel its mutally both parties should serve one another..I think this is why I become highly irrated by marriage convo's with some bc it appears we have to be doormats without expectations of receieving love and care back from the hubby.
> 
> But the rest of your post is very hot bc this can be applied on so many other areas of life.


GoddessMaker
Eph 5:21
*21* Submit _*to one another*_ out of _reverence_ for Christ. 
We all know the wives submit ot husbands verse but sometimes (for whatever reason) the verse before it is left out. Both parties are to mutually be concerned with meeting the needs of the other person (not how well the other person is meeting their needs). Can you picture how freeing and selfless doing this would be? If this is taking place in a marriage, no one is a doormat for anyone else-period. When Christ is being reverenced, no one is being treated unfairly because He doesn't treat us like crap nor does He condone others treating us that way. To do so would make him a liar since he is not a respector of persons and loves and cherishes his daughters too. Please don't believe the lies the enemy spews to scare you away from a godly marriage. Always consider the source. Some of these feminist groups are just as hateful and twisted as any false preacher, college professor, baby daddy type, chauvinist male, or jealous (a.k.a manless) female _'trusted'_ advisor. Consider the source.


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## Brittneynicole7952 (Feb 24, 2011)

Wow!!!

I was not expecting to find this kind of stuff on LHCF. I love that you all are so open to the many things that concern us women, including marriage. 

Well since you asked PrettyfacedANB, where are all the married woman at?...here is one. 
I recently got married this past Oct 9 to the most amazing man in the world to me. At age 24, you might consider me to be a young married women a (newbie), I can say that the bible REALLY does teach you, prepare you for marriage. I am a living witness that the more that you get into the word of GOD and pray to him to mold you into the woman that he wants you to be, you will automatically take the role of the woman that is ready for marriage. My story is a little different from most (and I would be willing to tell you, if you want to here it...) I see that you have the desire to get married and I believe that this is an honorable thing, therefore (if in God's will, you will receive this anyway).


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## Brittneynicole7952 (Feb 24, 2011)

There is no other book greater than the bible that will explain to you about the things of life. Ask God to give you clarity if you don't understand a particular scripture. No need for "christian" books. GOD'S word is ALL you need. Promise.


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## Brittneynicole7952 (Feb 24, 2011)

Wow!!!

I was not expecting to find this kind of stuff on LHCF. I love that you all are so open to the many things that concern us women, including marriage. 

Well since you asked PrettyfacedANB, where are all the married woman at?...here is one. 
I recently got married this past Oct 9 to the most amazing man in the world to me. At age 24, you might consider me to be a young married women a (newbie), I can say that the bible REALLY does teach you, prepare you for marriage. I am a living witness that the more that you get into the word of GOD and pray to him to mold you into the woman that he wants you to be, you will automatically take the role of the woman that is ready for marriage. My story is a little different from most (and I would be willing to tell you, if you want to here it...) I see that you have the desire to get married and I believe that this is an honorable thing, therefore (if in God's will, you will receive this anyway).


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## Brittneynicole7952 (Feb 24, 2011)

prettyfaceANB said:


> I would encourage all of us to meditate on
> 
> Colossians 2:9 For in Him dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily; 10 *and you are complete in Him*, who is the head of all principality and power.
> 
> ...



beautifully said sis!!


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## BeautifulFlower (Feb 24, 2011)

Brittneynicole7952

Thank you Brittney for sharing your encouragement with us ladies. 

I would love to hear your story. Please share with the class.


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## preciouzone (Jan 10, 2014)

Old thread but timeless advice! I really enjoyed reading all 3 pages!!

Bumping for more advice from the married women on here if you have more to add!!


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