# Anyone afraid of marriage?



## cocoberry10 (Oct 21, 2008)

I was just wondering this.  So many of the posts are about women desiring a mate. But I wonder if there is anyone out there who is worried about actually being married.  I posted this here because I thought spiritual and scriptural answers would be best.


----------



## HeChangedMyName (Oct 21, 2008)

Great question.  I use to be one who  was searching and looking for a husband.  Then I "thought" I got holy and began to wait on my husband but my waiting consisted of telling everyone that I wasn't looking, but at the same time, talking about it ALL OF THE TIME.  lol

Now I am chilling.  I am not what you would call afraid of marriage, but honestly if someone were to propose to me today and tell me that God sent him to me, I would probably pass out, because I know now how unprepared I really am for marriage.  I am in the process of getting me together and getting myself right with God on a deeper level so that when my husband  comes, I will be prepared and not be afraid of walking into a marriage unprepared.


----------



## aribell (Oct 21, 2008)

I do hope to be married, but I also have a lot of anxieties about it--namely whether my future husband and I will have what it takes to make it work for the rest of our lives, and whether he would love me for the rest of his.  When I become fearful of this, I think on the following:

*Verse: * "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love, and of a sound mind."

*Application: * Not only has God told us not to fear anything, but he as also given us the _power_ to overcome anything.  His Spirit working in us gives us access to _His_ wisdom, _His_ love, _His_ faithfulness, _His_ patience--in essence, as long as we stick close to Jesus and pursue His will, there is no situation that can get the better of us.  When I become fearful about my ability to make it work with another person, I remind myself that the Lord encourages us with the fact that if we walk in His ways (and resist our own wills/flesh), then we _will_ respond as He would respond, and we will have the power to work His will in our lives.  When we obey the Lord's commands regarding how we are to treat other people, including our spouse, then those relationships flourish.  

Besides, we know that marriage is a relationship that God ordains and favors ("the marriage bed is holy...", "he who finds a wife finds a good thing...", etc.).  Not only does the Lord favor marriage, but He views it as a blessing as well, and a reward to the godly (Psalm 127-children).  If we wait for the relationship that is _godly_ and of the Lord, then we can be confident that He will be ever present to help and to bless.

*Verse: * "Perfect love casts out all fear."

*Application: * The context of this verse is not about marriage.  But it always comes to mind because we are also taught in the Bible that "love covers a multitude of sins."  Part of what this means is that in our relationships, we won't always do what is right by the other person, be won't always be right, and sometimes we'll mess things up.  But if we focus on loving the other person well, focusing on loving as Christ loves, then ultimately we will not fail them.  We will then have His faithfulness working through us. 

My most basic fear about marriage is that my husband won't be faithful to me.  But here again, while the Lord doesn't promise that other people will not fail us, He does promise that _He_ will not fail us and that no matter what hardship we experience, He continues to be present with us and to work good in our lives.  I've seen His faithfulness enough times to at least know that I don't have to fear _anything_ because He will be my Strength, my Strong Tower, and my Deliverer.

Plus, if I wait for a godly man who pursues the Lord's will over his own and who loves God more than he loves me or anyone else, then I know I can trust his character because it will be Christ acting in him, loving me.  And there's no need to be afraid of that!


*Are there certain things about marriage that you fear?*


----------



## cocoberry10 (Oct 23, 2008)

Bumping!!!!!!!


----------



## kayte (Oct 23, 2008)

I am not afraid of marriage..... I've been married and I know some of what's involved
we were very young..like babies..
So...I also know myself much more intimately now than I did then...
and my relationship to the Lord has grown closer,meaningful
and keeps me honest and humble and accountable ...
no less than for my relationships romantic or platonic 

I agree Perfect Love casts out fear...
and now..I have a better idea of what that can resemble...
with human marriage   
that said...I have stringent criterion for marriage
the potential relationship must meet or excel every one of those
and the anxiety won't be as accute because I refuse to settle 
for anything less...
I believe when standards are compromised in the slightest  is where the fears come in


----------



## kayte (Oct 23, 2008)

> I am in the process of getting me together and getting myself right with God on a deeper level so that when my husband comes, I will be prepared



It's all about the above
and by the way the DH is prepared 
because...divine timing..well..who's in charge of that?
and who sends our husbands?

All roads lead to the Beloved
the Bridegroom....


----------



## MissMeWithThatIsh (Oct 23, 2008)

_Yes I am because you can't dump someone for the problems they have. My SO/fiance and I are going through hellish times right now and I'm fervently pushing the idea of a wedding back now. Perfect love casts out fear but it doesn't stop me from going the hell off when he pushes me to the limit. IF we can't mature prior too, it's not happening. I'm only going to enjoy his companionship. _


----------



## kayte (Oct 23, 2008)

> you can't dump someone for the problems they have


sometimes you_ have _to.....
that's def an indivual choice

but....
b-e-f-o-r-e 
marriage is key


----------



## chrstndiva (Oct 23, 2008)

It took a while for me to get married.  I had proposals before, but I did not marry until I was 34.  I was afraid of losing my independence and relatively carefree lifestyle.  What I realize now, looking back, is that God was working something out in me.  

Llike most young single women, I had a list of qualities I wanted in a mate, but as my pastor pointed out, you need to be evenly yoked in a godly marriage.  That meant I also needed to have those same qualities that I expected of my mate.  At this time I started concentrating on my own spritual growth and drawing closer to God.  

In addition, my pastor had us to pray for our potential mate (pray that they are saved, pray for their health and well being, pray for their spiritual needs).  I stopped looking and worrying about it because I was seeking God.  Matthew 6:33 states,"But seek ye first the kingdom of God,and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."  Because I was where I was supposed to be and doing what I was supposed to do, I met my current husband.  As it turns out, he had been praying for me too before he even knew me.  We have been married for over 3 years and he is my best friend and I am blissfully happy.

I have learned that if you seek God first and trust Him, He will bless you beyond what you could ever think or imagine.

God Bless.


----------



## LivingDoll (Oct 23, 2008)

chrstndiva said:


> It took a while for me to get married. I had proposals before, but I did not marry until I was 34. *I was afraid of losing my independence and relatively carefree lifestyle*. What I realize now, looking back, is that God was working something out in me.
> 
> Llike most young single women, I had a list of qualities I wanted in a mate, but as my pastor pointed out, you need to be evenly yoked in a godly marriage. That meant I also needed to have those same qualities that I expected of my mate. At this time I started concentrating on my own spritual growth and drawing closer to God.
> 
> ...


 

This is exactly how I feel now. I want to be married but I'm afraid of losing my independent lifestyle. Thanks so much for sharing. This is a blessing to me.


----------



## WhipEffectz1 (Oct 23, 2008)

If I wanted to be married by now then I could have but I'm kinda afraid. I've in control of myself for so long and it would feel weird to consult with someone on every little thing. .........


----------



## MissMeWithThatIsh (Oct 23, 2008)

kayte said:


> sometimes you_ have _to.....
> that's def an indivual choice
> 
> but....
> ...


 
Yes but what if you're married and the issue is increasingly obvious....


----------



## kandake (Oct 23, 2008)

chrstndiva said:


> It took a while for me to get married.  I had proposals before, but I did not marry until I was 34.  I was afraid of losing my independence and relatively carefree lifestyle.  What I realize now, looking back, is that God was working something out in me.
> 
> Llike most young single women, I had a list of qualities I wanted in a mate, but as my pastor pointed out, you need to be evenly yoked in a godly marriage.  That meant I also needed to have those same qualities that I expected of my mate.  At this time I started concentrating on my own spritual growth and drawing closer to God.
> 
> ...



Amen and Hallelujah.  I absolutely loved your post.


----------



## HeChangedMyName (Oct 23, 2008)

chrstndiva said:


> It took a while for me to get married.  I had proposals before, but I did not marry until I was 34.  I was afraid of losing my independence and relatively carefree lifestyle.  What I realize now, looking back, is that *God was working something out in me*.
> 
> Llike most young single women, I had a list of qualities I wanted in a mate, but as my pastor pointed out, you need to be evenly yoked in a godly marriage.  That meant I also needed to *have those same qualities that I expected of my mate*.  At this time I started concentrating on my own spritual growth and drawing closer to God.
> 
> ...



Tell it like it is.  That is beautiful.  I totally agree with everything you said and did, especially the bold and I am at that place where I have been praying for my husband(whom I may have not even met yet) and strengthening my relationship with God.  There are a lot of things on my husband list that I've had to revise and things that I've had to work on for myself too and lots more work to do.  You're right, equally yoked doesn't always mean the person needs to bend according to your own wants/needs, but sometimes it's you who needs to do the bending.


----------



## Bunny77 (Oct 23, 2008)

Nice posts!

I'm not really afraid of losing my independence or anything like that... been there, done that, got the t-shirt... I'm about ready to be INTERdependent with someone else right about now, BUT I am scared that I will discover that my future husband won't be willing to stick around and work out those tough situations that we will inevitably have at some point. I don't want a quitter who's going to get going when the going gets tough. I want a ride-or-die dude who I know will be down no matter what!


----------



## kayte (Oct 23, 2008)

> Yes but what if you're married and the issue is increasingly obvious....


 
I'm sorry...I honestly don't know LaurynDoll ...once one *is* married...that's _so _individual
people stay in physically abusive marriages ...marriages where children are threatened...or worse... abused...while still others leave at the drop of a hat because they are bored..I guess there is a range of what a human being will accept/ tolerate as pain threshhold in commitment

and while nothing in relationship is guaranteed..having experienced marriage..I believe there's a better chance of a lifelong loving Christ centered marriage.....if one does not settle for anything less than your prayerful ideal.....that includes the whole... 
spirituality...fidelity....interdependence...
education...career...attraction and more
it's easier to be courageous and joyous......if your partner is on the same page and shows you with action.....

so no I'm not afraid...I mean there is healthy fear about embracing change and growing 
but I'm not desperate or afraid to get married..made my peace 
about it...I will stay single and date as I am ..forever...before being with a guy who is not like or as my dad was with my mom.._he sacrificed ..for her_ he never recognized it as such
 ..it would not have even occurred to him
she was his queen
and when I do it will be because I have prayed for and with my beloved
and am confident I have been gifted with my God-given soulmate

if you compromise at all..... the fears have legit solid ground to percolate
_oh he doesn't go to church
oh always look at other girls 
oh never has enough money
oh i am not so attracted 
oh he's no fun 
oh he's can't work out conflict w/out bullying
oh he's not romantic_
oh he smokes

nope nope


----------



## Highly Favored8 (Oct 23, 2008)

No, I am not I was engaged to be married and I broke it off 7-5-08, I am glad I  did and I am blessed That God Provided a way of escape for me! I got bad! I was either all of nothing. God works everything out for those who love him. I felt I was more afraid what if I had married this man, God Saved my life.


Now, I am more relaxed and at peace with myself b/c I know God will bless me with a man who loves me truly and will not try to manipluate and use me. Ever, since this experience I am more able to tap into the Holy Spirit Discernment! I know a marriage proposal is comming for me very, very, soon it is all in God's Perfect timing. Next time I get engaged I will not wait 4 years to get married after the first proposal =/ this time it will be very swift =)


----------



## HeChangedMyName (Oct 23, 2008)

Highly Favored8 said:


> No, I am not I was engaged to be married and I broke it off 7-5-08, I am glad I  did and I am blessed That God Provided a way of escape for me! I got bad! I was either all of nothing. God works everything out for those who love him. I felt I was more afraid what if I had married this man, God Saved my life.
> 
> 
> Now, I am more relaxed and at peace with myself b/c I know God will bless me with a man who loves me truly and will not try to manipluate and use me. Ever, since this experience I am more able to tap into the Holy Spirit Discernment! I know a marriage proposal is comming for me very, very, soon it is all in God's Perfect timing. *Next time I get engaged I will not wait 4 years to get married after the first proposal =/ this time it will be very swift =)*



And I know that.  If your good enough to propose to then you are good enough to marry--QUICKLY


----------



## Highly Favored8 (Oct 23, 2008)

SuperNova said:


> And I know that. If your good enough to propose to then you are good enough to marry--QUICKLY


 

Yes, God is so Good and I thank him for his discernment. Yes, my ex fiance was dragging his feet and I am glad he did!


----------



## username12 (Oct 23, 2008)

Yes, I am... I have been so incredibly hurt in the past by men that I have a huge wall protecting my heart... I just don't see myself falling for anyone again.  I don't want anyone to have that power over me...

Although I'm wiser than I was before, and wouldn't make those same mistakes, the idea of falling in love scares me so.  I don't think I will marry for love.


----------



## chrstndiva (Oct 23, 2008)

sistas4longhair said:


> Yes, I am... I have been so incredibly hurt in the past by men that I have a huge wall protecting my heart... I just don't see myself falling for anyone again. I don't want anyone to have that power over me...
> 
> Although I'm wiser than I was before, and wouldn't make those same mistakes, the idea of falling in love scares me so. I don't think I will marry for love.


 
Sista4longhair,

It breaks my heart to hear you say that.  Sometimes we can get so beat down by life and traumatic experiences that we shut down and build a wall around ourselves.  But when we do that to protect ourselves, sometimes those who love us can't get in, including God.  Remember "God is love." 

My dear sister, this is not what God wants for you.  You are God's precious child and He loves you and desires love for you.  Jer 29:11 tells us what God means for our lives ..."For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

You have experienced brokenness, but God wants to mend your broken heart.  Please allow God in your heart and allow Him to heal you and to teach you what real love is and what it feels like.  For now, let God be your "sweetheart", so when He does send someone your way, you will know and you won't be afraid.

I will be praying for you.


----------



## locabouthair (Oct 23, 2008)

Yes I am. 

I give up on things easily, so I think that when times get tough I'll want to just divorce or separate.

I've been single for a while and I think the longer I'm single, the more scared I get to be in a rlp. I think a lot of things about rlps/marriage scare me.


----------



## **Tasha*Love** (Oct 23, 2008)

I am 50/50 on this question  I am not afraid of being married but I am afraid of the "what if's?" if that makes any sense.  I can be a Negative Nellie (im trying to do betta, pray for me )  at times and I always focus on what can go wrong in my relationships.  I can't really explain it but my mind focuses on arguments that never happen and situations that could possibly tear us apart.  Instead of focusing on being happy with a person, I focus on not being happy.  It's like I don't have the right to pursue happiness in my mind.  Most of my relationships have ended negative and that is what I expect.


----------



## LivingDoll (Oct 24, 2008)

Natasha2005 said:


> I am 50/50 on this question  I am not afraid of being married but I am afraid of the "what if's?" if that makes any sense. I can be a Negative Nellie (im trying to do betta, pray for me ) at times and I always focus on what can go wrong in my relationships. I can't really explain it but my mind focuses on arguments that never happen and situations that could possibly tear us apart. Instead of focusing on being happy with a person, I focus on not being happy. It's like I don't have the right to pursue happiness in my mind. Most of my relationships have ended negative and that is what I expect.


 
So in the beginning your imagining the ending? I've been guilty of this as well...


----------



## HeChangedMyName (Oct 24, 2008)

Natasha2005 said:


> I am 50/50 on this question  I am not afraid of being married but I am afraid of the "what if's?" if that makes any sense.  I can be a Negative Nellie (im trying to do betta, pray for me )  at times and I always focus on what can go wrong in my relationships.  I can't really explain it but my mind focuses on arguments that never happen and situations that could possibly tear us apart.  Instead of focusing on being happy with a person, I focus on not being happy.  It's like I don't have the right to pursue happiness in my mind.  Most of my relationships have ended negative and that is what I expect.




I am working on not being like that, but not just in relationships, but in general.  Try reading the book of Job.  In Job 3:25 Job says, "For the thing which I greatly feared is come on me, and that which I was afraid of is come to me."  So even though the devil went to God to ask him to mess with Job, Job had been harboring feelings of fear and loss, so in a sense, he brought it on himself and invited the devil to finagle in his life by worrying about those things.  When we start to fear the bad things more than we have faith in the good things that God promises, that is when we open the door to the devil.

I remember hearing someone describe the difference between fear and faith it was something like this:
Faith is belief in the unknown _good_ things
Fear is the belief in the unknown _bad_ things

Then I think of the scripture Hebrews 11:1 which says, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."


So when we fear the worse, we are substituting our faith with this.  Faith and fear cannot coexist.


Why Speak Faith?




*Words have power!* In the natural world they can hurt or heal one's feelings and attitudes. However, in the spiritual world they are containers of power that can change your life, direct your future, and allow you to get your life in line with God's Will! Words can carry God's Power to literally heal your body, bring financial blessing to your circumstances, and bring the promises of God's Word into this natural realm to bless you and your family! 

                    Believe It!



*Dr. Kenneth E. Hagin once said, "Faith begins where the will of God is known."* You must *know* the Word of God in order to believe what the Word says. The Word of God contains the power within itself to cause what it says to come to pass. If you believe God's Word, and use it as God intended for you to use it, then the Word will begin to work in your life. You must act on the Word. Faith is an act! The best way to act on the Word is to speak it!

                                 Confess It!           



*Speaking the Word is called "Confession."* There is a saying, "Confession brings possession." In order for the Power of God to cause something that God has promised to be manifested in this natural realm, you must speak, or confess, His Word and agree with God! Then God will back up His promise by bringing it to pass in this natural realm! You must speak the Word!


                                 Receive It!           



*"Confession brings possession."* This means that what you desire and confess comes from the spiritual into the physical realm. A spiritual truth takes on physical form in this world. God is a Spirit and those that worship Him must worship Him in Spirit, and in Truth! (John 4:24) The spiritual realm is higher than the natural realm. God created all matter, and He can change it as well!


http://www.speakfaith.com/


----------



## HeChangedMyName (Oct 24, 2008)

Highly Favored8 said:


> Yes, God is so Good and I thank him for his discernment. Yes, my ex fiance was dragging his feet and I am glad he did!




It was all in God's plans to give you time to see what you really wanted in a husband.  I believe you when you said that you will be getting a proposal again.


----------



## **Tasha*Love** (Oct 24, 2008)

Yes I always focus on how its going to end. I sometimes expect things to take a nosedive for the worst.





daephae said:


> So in the beginning your imagining the ending? I've been guilty of this as well...


----------



## **Tasha*Love** (Oct 24, 2008)

Thank you SuperNova. I will go the the book of Job for more clarity.  You spoke directly into my life.  





SuperNova said:


> I am working on not being like that, but not just in relationships, but in general.  Try reading the book of Job.  In Job 3:25 Job says, "For the thing which I greatly feared is come on me, and that which I was afraid of is come to me."  So even though the devil went to God to ask him to mess with Job, Job had been harboring feelings of fear and loss, so in a sense, he brought it on himself and invited the devil to finagle in his life by worrying about those things.  When we start to fear the bad things more than we have faith in the good things that God promises, that is when we open the door to the devil.


----------



## LunadeMiel (Oct 24, 2008)

I am. I do not like the idea of anyone being the "head" of me.


----------



## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (Oct 25, 2008)

kayte said:


> and while nothing in relationship is guaranteed..having experienced marriage..I believe there's a better chance of a lifelong loving Christ centered marriage.....if one does not settle for anything less than your prayerful ideal.....that includes the whole...
> spirituality...fidelity....interdependence...
> education...career...attraction and more
> it's easier to be courageous and joyous......if your partner is on the same page and shows you with action.....


 
I can't tell you the number of G-d-centered people I've known who have messed up their marriages with infidelity.  You can't always know ahead of time what you'll get in the way of "man."  It's almost like a piece of beef.  You think it looks fresh, it has a fresh appearance, the reputation of it might be that of an Angus but when you fry it up and try it, it's actually a pork chop.    There have been females I know who cheated on their mates.  Seems to be the goal these days.  What is very damaging is the potential health dangers such behavior presents.  How does one get out of that fear?  You can only be responsible for your own behavior.  Praying for a good spouse might  not guarantee you actually get one.  That is a true fear many women...and men, have these days.  The honorable person is practically non-existant.


----------



## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (Oct 25, 2008)

chrstndiva said:


> Sista4longhair,
> 
> It breaks my heart to hear you say that. Sometimes we can get so beat down by life and traumatic experiences that we shut down and build a wall around ourselves. But when we do that to protect ourselves, sometimes those who love us can't get in, including God. Remember "God is love."
> 
> ...


 
I realized I'm 2 days too late for this conversation but I don't think she was saying that she wasn't communicating with G-d.  She's actively protecting herself from those who would desire to harm her.  It's a defense mechanism.  And just like I said before, we can pray and pray till the cows come home but what we get at the end of the day might not be so honorable.  You don't always know what's under that candy package.

G-d has plans to prosper?  Sometimes, somtimes not.  That's how I see it.  If you've ever been abused by a man, you would know exactly how she and I feel.  Nobody wants to allow someone to come and destroy them after so much devastation.  It is interesting, though, to see all the various points of view.


----------



## Irresistible (Oct 25, 2008)

hwiseman said:


> I can't tell you the number of G-d-centered people I've known who have messed up their marriages with infidelity.  You can't always know ahead of time what you'll get in the way of "man."  It's almost like a piece of beef.  You think it looks fresh, it has a fresh appearance, the reputation of it might be that of an Angus but when you fry it up and try it, it's actually a pork chop.    There have been females I know who cheated on their mates.  Seems to be the goal these days.  What is very damaging is the potential health dangers such behavior presents.  How does one get out of that fear?  You can only be responsible for your own behavior.  Praying for a good spouse might  not guarantee you actually get one.  That is a true fear many women...and men, have these days.  The honorable person is practically non-existant.



[email protected] porkchop! hehehe

I agree with your last statement


----------



## Irresistible (Oct 25, 2008)

hwiseman said:


> I realized I'm 2 days too late for this conversation but I don't think she was saying that she wasn't communicating with G-d.  She's actively protecting herself from those who would desire to harm her.  It's a defense mechanism.  And just like I said before, we can pray and pray till the cows come home but what we get at the end of the day might not be so honorable.  You don't always know what's under that candy package.
> 
> G-d has plans to prosper?  Sometimes, somtimes not.  That's how I see it.  If you've ever been abused by a man, you would know exactly how she and I feel.  Nobody wants to allow someone to come and destroy them after so much devastation.  It is interesting, though, to see all the various points of view.



we may think its for one purpose, but its for another, growth and bringing us closer to God Etc.  I just went through this heartbreak , and while many a night a laid there in question of God and mad at him as to why he let this person come into my life, how could he etc etc,  slowly but surely I started to get the point and the lessons and things started to turn around,  I am so grounded in the lesson again,  that I have peace no matter the outcome, I trust the LORD through it all. And am no longer falling apart,  that was the blessing, that was the purpose and Thank God I GOT it, before I was taken totally under in the pain


----------



## chrstndiva (Oct 25, 2008)

hwiseman said:


> I realized I'm 2 days too late for this conversation but I don't think she was saying that she wasn't communicating with G-d. She's actively protecting herself from those who would desire to harm her. It's a defense mechanism. And just like I said before, we can pray and pray till the cows come home but what we get at the end of the day might not be so honorable. You don't always know what's under that candy package.
> 
> G-d has plans to prosper? Sometimes, somtimes not. That's how I see it. If you've ever been abused by a man, you would know exactly how she and I feel. Nobody wants to allow someone to come and destroy them after so much devastation. It is interesting, though, to see all the various points of view.


 
Greetings,

I am sorry you misinterpreted my reply.  By no means was I suggesting that she is not communicating with God.  I was referring to the level of intimacy in relationship with God.  Just as you have different levels of intimacy with people in your life, there are different levels of intimacy with God.

I understand protecting yourself from harm, and we must do that sometimes.  I am referring to closing yourself off completely, not self-protection.  Also, I don't believe that this defense mechanism is necessary with God.  I believe in a benevolent God, who always has my best interests at heart.  I think this is where we may differ.

Also, you just assumed that I never experienced any abuse in my life, which is a wrong assumption.  After my abusive experience, I drew closer to God and allowed Him to heal me.  I allowed myself to have a close, intimate relationship with Him.  From this, I was able to be open to the love he sent my way without the baggage of my past brokeness.  I now have an abundance of love in my life because I made God the love of my life.  I pray that blessing for you too.

God Bless


----------



## belle_reveuse28 (Nov 2, 2008)

nicola.kirwan said:


> I do hope to be married, but I also have a lot of anxieties about it--namely whether my future husband and I will have what it takes to make it work for the rest of our lives, and whether he would love me for the rest of his.  When I become fearful of this, I think on the following:
> 
> *Verse: * "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love, and of a sound mind."
> 
> ...




YOur fear is the same as mine, I fear infidelity on my husband's part... But your words spoken here are truth and a blessing for me to hear.  Yes, sometimes I"m somewhat afraid of marriage, but that doesn't mean that I should not pursue it because there are aspects of it that scare me.  I think much of what scares us is the present worldview and the situations we see others in, esp. when God isn't at the center.   LIke you said, if your mate puts God's will before his own, he's certainly someone you can trust.  I think that a husband has to have certain qualities and character, as such as wife must have, and if they both put God first, their relationship will be successfull, life giving, and successfull but not without fault.   I believe marriage is full of trails but it's really up to those involved how committed they are to God and to each other and that really determines a lot.  So when I am hearing truth, as I just have, my fear dissipate, and I remember how faithful God is to get me through anything, adn then I realize, continue pursuing what is good, what is holy, what is the will of God for my life!  Don't be afraid, look for Christ in the person and trust in the Lord, He will truly erase all of our fears!

I too have been abused, by my father, and I was afraid of men.  I had to draw near to God and allow him to heal me and my fear of men and disgust for them.   And the Lord met me where I was, distrusting of Him, distrusting of men, afraid, bitter, angry, wanting someone perfect, of course, there are none.  But he did heal me, spoke truth into my life, and showed me His heart and his will towards me.  Often, we blame our bad choices in others on God not blessing us, when we have to acknowledge that everything we choose, or sometimes even believe to be God, always isn't.  Just because of failure on my part or the part of anothers doesn't mean that God was responsible for that failure.   The value of choosing well and teh strength and knowledge to do so comes from maintaing a continual relationship with the Father, allowing him to teach, heal, guide and lead us into all truth.  Often when i've made bad choices, there were consequences, but I also have found forgiveness, I've found chastisement, but I found even more grace and mercy and a Father who loves me, accepts me, despite my own shortcomings.  God doesn't condemn us when we fall short, for all of us fall short of his glory, and my husband will as well.  But I must be patient and seek out the man running for the Lord and sees me running right beside him.   Look and wait for a man with Godly character, his character and the fruit of it will tell you more about him than you'll ever need to know.  For we know them by their fruit.  And I"m sure if many look back at the character and fruit or lackthereof of a person, we'd realize more often than not that we've made bad choices.  And that's where Father steps in to teach us to choose better offering us the grace to learn, and the strength to grow in character as well.


----------



## belle_reveuse28 (Nov 2, 2008)

hwiseman said:


> I can't tell you the number of G-d-centered people I've known who have messed up their marriages with infidelity.  You can't always know ahead of time what you'll get in the way of "man."  It's almost like a piece of beef.  You think it looks fresh, it has a fresh appearance, the reputation of it might be that of an Angus but when you fry it up and try it, it's actually a pork chop.    There have been females I know who cheated on their mates.  Seems to be the goal these days.  What is very damaging is the potential health dangers such behavior presents.  How does one get out of that fear?  You can only be responsible for your own behavior.  Praying for a good spouse might  not guarantee you actually get one.  That is a true fear many women...and men, have these days.  The honorable person is practically non-existant.




I guess sometimes we get what we expect becuase we're looking for it...  But don't give up on God, allow him to surprise you.   There are things we can know about a person's character before we marry them.  If we continue to believe the lie that we can't know these things, then we aren't free to truly know that we can.  The Bible says the truth shall set you free indeed.  To continue to believe a lie based on experience but not God's truth will hold you into the place you're in, afraid and hopeless.  But the truth is this, the Bible says we shall know them by their fruit.  You can't fake character, and if you give a person opportunities and discuss with them their beliefs, you must allow them to show you before committing to them.  So actually, it is true that we CAN know a person before marrying them.  If a man has a consistent way of behaving and has good character, it is quite reasonable to believe he will continue in that path.  If you dont know what to look for in a man's character and what should be there, there are many so called lists, but are very true and helpful.  I encourage you to stop believing the lie that we can't know someone, because the Bible says we can know them by their fruit.  Fruitless trees don't bear good fruit.  Look at his heart and character always, I cannot stress that enough.  

Infidelity is a huge issue, but one thing I've noticed is taht couples who committed to purity before they were married, whether they were pure or not, but did so with each other have a huge success of infidelity not entering their marriage.  This is actually the norm, and not the exception when people harbor these attitudes.   Sometimes we feel okay, well he's only sleeping with me and although we're nto married, he's not cheating on me.   But that's besdies the point.  If you agree with sex outside of marriage before you're married, you will, when times get tough, still harbor that belief within a marriage.  

A man and a woman's commitment to fidelity before they even marry says a lot about how strong their commitment will be within marriage.   It shows that they both put God before each other, and that they put the other before the other, and that they put all what is good and honorable for their immediate desires.  Many people dont want to hear this because people want fidelity but not want to commit to purity, and they are inseparable.  And until many face that truth, there will be infidelity.  I'm not saying this is the only cause, but our attitudes and beliefs don't change just becasue we're married.   Marriage presents lots of hardships, adjustments, and trying situations, all that will test us and continually change us into the image of Christ, therefore, you'll want to marry someone who agrees with God, who puts the will of God before his own--esp when it comes to immediate gratification, adn there IS a way to know this before you marry a person... 

 Is he sleeping wtih you?  Wtih someone else?  Did he just get out of a sexual relationship before you got together?  Although they are your views on purity/chastity/ waiting until marriage before you share a bed, are they his?  Are they shared views?  Is he struggling with pornography? Masturbation?  Continually encouraging you to engage in sexual sin with him?  Touching you inapprorpriately, causing you to struggle?  Those things matter and tell you a lot about a person.  A man can preach to me about the bible all day, but when we talk about his sex life, his thought life nad what he's doing all in there, then I find if he separates that part of his life from his relationship with God, then one, he has no idea who he is because we are gender bearing people, created in the image of God and our sexuality being one of the main identities to which we respond to God and to the world.  We are sexual beings, and that doesn't always mean sex but more so the image of what it means to be man and to be woman. 

Has your relationship with him even tackled these difficult questions, or are you afraid to ask, dont want to know, or dont see it important.  Many people get to being falsely intimate with each other and having a sexual relationship and haven't even asked these questions which are truly the maker and breaker of many relationships.  How we relate to God and the world as men and women is who we are and we cannot separate that from our identities in Christ.  Sexuality is a God-given gift and way of relating, it cannot be hidden in the dark, and when we try to, our sin gets brought to the life and we're left exposed with wreckage all in our paths, i.e. failed marriages. 

 Most poeple will say no, and then I think, well, then why are you surprised?  Did you think marriage would change that person's view?  Often it's sad that it does not, although it should.  

Yeah, you can't judge a book by it's cover.  It can look fresh and smell fresh, and be full of filth.  But you know about a book by reading it, taking the time to study it and see what it's about.  There's a lot we ignore in relationships that should give us red flags about people.  Often, we dont acknowledge that we need guidance and trustful others to help us on our pursuit for a mate.  And therefore, we're out here on our own trying to find someone to marry, when we've not submitted it to God, and allow a community of believers who are mature and well-seasoned to help us, to be our accountability, and to also hold these young men accountable and be witness to their character or lack thereof.  So much is missing in the process of marriage thsee days, it is no surprise that many aren't working out.  We always want to run away from the ways of old, but those were times where people generally respected one another, where marriage was honored above all things, and the marriage bed kept pure... Infidelity was the exception, not certainly the norm, and these days it has reverse.  But don't loose hope.   God is not slack in his promises, but we aren't to be slack in being patient and also proactive.  Stand your ground, and if your ground isn't solid, based on truth and isn't in line with the word of God, especially your sexuality adn what you're doing with your body, then seek God and seek to put these things in line.  Our sexuality and our bodies belong to God, and just like the rest of our lives, cannot be separated from who we are in Christ Jesus.  We are submit all of our being to him, including our sex lives and who we are as gender bearing people, men and women and allow his will to prevail in our lives as we submit in obedience to Him.  Taht is truly the only way we can be successful in relationship and within a covenental realtionship wtih another.  It's a process.  But be the person you want to marry and look for that same person in someone else.  

Jer 2:9 (i think  )  For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to propser you, to heal you, not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future!

Be blessed!

God bless!


----------



## Ms Red (Nov 3, 2008)

Wow. Thank you 


chrstndiva said:


> It took a while for me to get married.  I had proposals before, but I did not marry until I was 34.  I was afraid of losing my independence and relatively carefree lifestyle.  What I realize now, looking back, is that God was working something out in me.
> 
> Llike most young single women, I had a list of qualities I wanted in a mate, but as my pastor pointed out, you need to be evenly yoked in a godly marriage.  That meant I also needed to have those same qualities that I expected of my mate.  At this time I started concentrating on my own spritual growth and drawing closer to God.
> 
> ...


----------



## belle_reveuse28 (Nov 3, 2008)

sistas4longhair said:


> Yes, I am... I have been so incredibly hurt in the past by men that I have a huge wall protecting my heart... I just don't see myself falling for anyone again.  I don't want anyone to have that power over me...
> 
> Although I'm wiser than I was before, and wouldn't make those same mistakes, the idea of falling in love scares me so.  I don't think I will marry for love.



I know what that fear is like because I too had been afraid of the same thing.  Taht's teh thing though, the Lord met me and created the opportunity for me first to know Him as Father and what that really looks like because I really had no idea.  To me, father was just some jerk who beat you up and treated you like crap, never provided and took care of his family, was abusive and crushed your spirit.  

I had the most amazing opportunity for healing in mylife, for God to reveal the truth of who He is, and who He calls us to be as men adn women.  A lot of women, as I did, cannot understand that part about submission, about a husband being the head and leader in a family, and often, sad to say, our churches dont convey well teh truth of what God is truly saying and what He holds a man to.. and unfortunately, many of these misinterpretations or shortcomings often leave women afraid, defiant, walled off and single.  Taht's why truth is so important.  It truly frees us from the bondage we're in, whether that be fear, the inability to give love nad receive love, or even the ability to choose well for ourselves.  

Submission does not mean doormat.  And often I love reading parts of the Torah and Jewish tradition, or even the Complete Jewish Bible because the footnotes really go into teaching about a man and woman's role within marriage.  Submission to a husband's leadership does not mean that a man abuses power, for the Bible commands that He loves his wife as Christ loved the church, meaning that she's his first priority.  What did Christ do for the church?   

First, he came and rescued the captives.  Set them free.  Gave them the gospel.  Taught them about God's truth.  Made it possible for them to have a relationship, a personal relationship wtih teh Father, our greatest gift, and he was tortured, split apart, torn to shreads and suffered to no end FOR THE CHURCH.   Is that not a better picture of sacrificial love, a most perfect one?  !!  No, my husband won't be as pefect as Christ, but he is instructed to love me as Christ sacrificially loved the church.  When a husband loves sacrificially, it's a beautiful thing.  He understands that leadership adn being the head means that God holds him responsible to lead well, to love well, to cherish, to honor, to respect, to value the gift of a wife that's given to Him.  God knew what he was doing when he created woman, and he created us for a special purpose, and until we seek out men in our lives who know that purpose, we'll settle for junk.   Think of hte word abuse, ab-use.  Abnormal use.  If you dont know the purpose of a thing, most likely you will abuse it.  

It's a man's business to teach other men how to be honorable, how to grow and develop Godly character, how to value, honor and respect women and help them develop into Godly husband potential.  We live in a society where everyone believes I can do it all on my own.  Where mentoring and standing in the gap for each other is no longer important and where we lack true Christian community.  I see this type of community within Indian culture, greek culture, jewish culture but not ours and it's sad.  We do need Godly men mentoring and standing in the gap for our young men out here.  We need husbands, they need wives, and we all need guidance.  Without it, we are set out to make our own paths, which become very messy...

Submission, in teh true context of God's word is a beautiful thing.  To allow my husband to lead, and to place the responsiblity in his hands for making final decisions is his job, but not without consulting his wife, hearing her heart, and choosing well for her.   It doesn't mean that she can't choose.  But it means that God will hold HIM accountable, and will hold me accountable in supporting him.  That's all.  And in our culture, its' very difficult because we are not taught these things, or we see other cultures and women are mistreated, and even in our own.  But when we see things the way God wills them to be, it's actually quite a beautiful picture and model of a marital relationship.  

If you meet a man who understands this, or I shall say WHEN you do, your socks will be blown off!  My friends have husbands like this and i'm certainly waiting for mine.  And that's the key, waiting for the right one who knows who he is to be in Christ and in relationship wtih me.  Not to lord himself or rule over me.  

I read a commentary in my Bible about the significance of the Lord choosing to make Eve from a rib in Adam's side.   It says that God could have chosen a bone in his foot, or in his hand, or in his head, to indicate his rule over her, but rather, he choose a rib in Adam's side, to signify their co-existance with one another, side by side, both looking towards God.  For they were both neither to rule over the other, but that they would share in the responsiblity of family, of procreation, and taking care of the garden.  He created a partnership, and yes, men and women are different, but we are equal.  And equalness does not mean sameness.  And therefore, we lead with different strengths.  As a women, we have the stregnth to nuture, to love, to be caregivers naturally.   Men are strong in naming, in calling things out, in providing form adn foundation.  Together, we bring our strengths.  But just because I lead with nuture and love doesn't mean I can't be strong, adn the same for him.  He may lead with strength and form, giving shape and protection to our lives, but it doesn't mean he can't love well and nuture.  It's like being right-handed but sometimes doing things with your left.  You need both hands.  We do need each other, and when we do things right, recognize the value in each other, honor each other and celebrate each other's stregnths, a great partnership can be birthed from that. 

To believe we are to be lorded over as doormats and have no say so is to believe God does not value us as women, and hasn't gifted us with intelligence, with abilities and things that contribute equally to society and to our relationships.  He created man first because he is to lead, the one to be responsible and that's a very important thing we must acknowledge, but not because of matter of importance.  The Lord loves his daughters!  And we, too, are created in His image!

Seek God, Seek truth nad you shall find it!  And then seek the man who knows who he is in Christ, and what his role is within the family and within marriage, you wont be disappointed.


----------



## cocochanty (Nov 4, 2008)

I am. I'm afraid the wrong person will come in between me and the Father. I cant do that again. I might miss out on my blessing


----------

