# Saved but Feminine Straight Men...



## LivingDoll (Jun 12, 2008)

What do y'all think?

I recently met a man who is saved. He says he is straight but he has some effeminate ways. Not quite "snap, snap, I know thats right" but feminine nonetheless. In this age of _masculine_ DL men, I DEFINITELY don't feel comfortable pursuing a relationship with a feminine man whether he be a man of God or not. 

Has anyone else experienced this? I'm not going to ask if I'm wrong because it's ultimately about what I'm comfortable with. I know it's not right to judge but I don't feel like I'm being judgemental. My spirit is saying _NO_.

I asked him if he's ever dated men or liked men...he was taken aback but answered an emphatic "NO". I even went as far as to tell him that I'm not attracted to effeminate men to which he answered "(effeminate men) that's weird". I don't know...something ain't right because I know that he knows that he's a bit on the feminine side.

Reading about Donnie McClurkin in the other thread made me think about posting this.


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## PassionFruit (Jun 12, 2008)

I dont think you are being judgemental at all... its about what you are attracted to....  I dont feel women should turn away every man based on appearances.. but this is slightly bigger issue...   you arent attracted to his ways....

I feel the same, Im not attracted to "soft" men....  that whole metrosexual thing misses me....

I say pass him right on by and feel no guilt or shame...   you both deserve a different person


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## LivingDoll (Jun 12, 2008)

PassionFruit said:


> I dont think you are being judgemental at all... its about what you are attracted to.... I dont feel women should turn away every man based on appearances.. *but this is slightly bigger issue*... you arent attracted to his ways....
> 
> I feel the same, Im not attracted to "soft" men.... that whole metrosexual thing misses me....
> 
> I say pass him right on by and feel no guilt or shame... you both deserve a different person


 
 My thoughts exactly. I was feeling a little guilty though. Seems the few christian men that have come my way weren't right for some reason. I'm very instinctual and spirit driven. I asked God to put it in my spirit when a man is the right one. I'm still waiting.


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## nychaelasymone (Jun 12, 2008)

I know of man who is like this and is currently engaged.  He really has some female tendacies, from hand gestures to the 'twang' in the voice, to the moodiness.  He says he's straight but I just can't see.  God bless him none-the-less and his soon to be wife.  I chalk it up to him having such a close relationship with his mom (who only raised him) You're not being judgemental......


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## LivingDoll (Jun 12, 2008)

nychaelasymone said:


> I know of man who is like this and is currently engaged. He really has some female tendacies, from hand gestures to the 'twang' in the voice, to the moodiness. He says he's straight but I just can't see. God bless him none-the-less and his soon to be wife. I chalk it up to him having such a close relationship with his mom (who only raised him) You're not being judgemental......


 
LOL...um hmmm. This guy is close to his mom too but I hate to think that's why he's like that. I'm happy that y'all see it like I do. I wonder if his wife notices it and if it bothers her lachenbviously not if she's gonna get married, right?) but u never know. Some women are so desperate to have a husband they'll marry the first man that comes along.


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## Southernbella. (Jun 12, 2008)

If I'm being honest...I think a lot of men in the church have slightly feminine ways. I don't think most of them are gay. 

I think it's encouraged a bit. Men are encouraged to open up, get emotional, yell, scream, shout, jump, etc. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but when you are a man surrounded by women who are doing this, you will probably start to adopt some of their mannerisms (most churches have way more women than men, unfortunately).

I think you could probably work with him, if you think he's worth it. If not, move on. I don't think you should feel guilty, though. God gave us the desire for man, and that's what you're feeling.


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## victorious (Jun 12, 2008)

daephae said:


> Has anyone else experienced this? I'm not going to ask if I'm wrong because it's ultimately about what I'm comfortable with. I know it's not right to judge but I don't feel like I'm being judgemental. My spirit is saying NO.



It's not a matter of being judgemental.  It simply discernment.

I know I couldn't do it.



nychaelasymone said:


> I know of man who is like this and is currently engaged.  He really has some female tendacies, from hand gestures to the 'twang' in the voice, to the moodiness.  He says he's straight but I just can't see.  God bless him none-the-less and his soon to be wife.  I chalk it up to him having such a close relationship with his mom (who only raised him) You're not being judgemental......



Oh my goodness.  I could have written this post.  

The guy I know was raise by his mother and grandmother, and his dad lives in a nearby state. I knew him since HS.  I was surprised when I ran into him last month, and he said he was engaged. I didn't want to jump to conclusions, so I waited until I heard him say "she."  He hasn't changed one bit. He gave me an update on who's doing what from HS, and the tongue smacking was annoying.


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## PassionFruit (Jun 12, 2008)

lauren450 said:


> If I'm being honest...I think a lot of men in the church have slightly feminine ways. I don't think most of them are gay.
> 
> I think it's encouraged a bit. Men are encouraged to open up, get emotional, yell, scream, shout, jump, etc. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but when you are a man surrounded by women who are doing this, you will probably start to adopt some of their mannerisms (most churches have way more women than men, unfortunately).
> 
> I think you could probably work with him, if you think he's worth it. If not, move on. I don't think you should feel guilty, though. God gave us the desire for man, and that's what you're feeling.



my pastor must be a homophobe cuz THIS he wouldnt put up with...  he often speaks about being a MANLY MAN and he dont play that finger snapping neck popping stuff...  we've lost several ministers of music over it...


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## Southernbella. (Jun 12, 2008)

PassionFruit said:


> my pastor must be a homophobe cuz THIS he wouldnt put up with... he often speaks about being a MANLY MAN and he dont play that finger snapping neck popping stuff... we've lost several ministers of music over it...


 
I didn't mean they openly tell them to act this way, I'm just saying there is an emphasis on getting emotional and dancing around (like David danced), but there is not always instruction on how to do this in a masculine way.

Good on your pastor for doing that!


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## LivingDoll (Jun 12, 2008)

lauren450 said:


> If I'm being honest...I think a lot of men in the church have slightly feminine ways. I don't think most of them are gay.
> 
> I think it's encouraged a bit. *Men are encouraged to open up, get emotional, yell, scream, shout, jump, etc. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but when you are a man surrounded by women who are doing this, you will probably start to adopt some of their mannerisms (most churches have way more women than men, unfortunately).*
> 
> I think you could probably work with him, if you think he's worth it. If not, move on. I don't think you should feel guilty, though. *God gave us the desire for man, and that's what you're feeling*.


 
You are right.  I never thought about them being encouraged to behave that way. That's interesting. 



victorious said:


> It's not a matter of being judgemental. It simply discernment.
> 
> I know I couldn't do it.
> 
> ...


 
I couldn't do it either. One of my coworkers has a really feminine husband who is a hair stylist. It's funny because I knew she was married to a hair stylist but I'd never seen him or met him. I started going back to an old stylist of mine that was working in a new shop...it was the shop that my coworkers husband owned but I didn't know it when I went. So long story short, I met him before I realized he was married to my coworker. I felt that he was very flamboyant and was shocked when I realized he was married to a woman that I knew.


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## Duchesse (Jun 12, 2008)

lauren450 said:


> If I'm being honest...*I think a lot of men in the church have slightly feminine ways. I don't think most of them are gay.
> *
> I think it's encouraged a bit. *Men are encouraged to open up, get emotional, yell, scream, shout, jump, etc.* There's nothing wrong with that, of course, but when you are a man surrounded by women who are doing this, you will probably start to adopt some of their mannerisms (most churches have way more women than men, unfortunately).
> 
> I think you could probably work with him, if you think he's worth it. If not, move on. I don't think you should feel guilty, though. God gave us the desire for man, and that's what you're feeling.



I like your reply Lauren450.

My mom and I whenever we watch Christian television particularly gospel music, we are always like "why are all these Christian men gay or gay "acting" all of the time?". I never really thought that maybe the seemingly large presence of effeminate men in the church has to do with them being encouraged to be more loving and sensitive, I guess a departure from the hyper masculinity  encouraged by the world.


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## Southernbella. (Jun 12, 2008)

Duchesse said:


> I like your reply Lauren450.
> 
> My mom and I whenever we watch Christian television particularly gospel music, we are always like "why are all these Christian men gay or gay "acting" all of the time?". I never really thought that maybe the seemingly large presence of effeminate men in the church has to do with them being encouraged to be more loving and sensitive, *I guess a departure from the hyper masculinity encouraged by the world*.


 
I think so too. Remember that Funniest Home Videos where the black guy was getting married and started screaming on the altar for several minutes?That kind of display is often praised by us because we think "oh, he's so free in the Lord", but when you really look at it, it's effiminate.

My dh used to make fun of the men's choir at our church because they wore black suits with these white blouses, with huge lapels, and the cuffs turned up over the suit sleeve. It looked so metrosexual. I'm not sure what they were thinking with that.


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## LivingDoll (Jun 12, 2008)

Duchesse said:


> I like your reply Lauren450.
> 
> My mom and I whenever we watch Christian television particularly gospel music, we are always like "why are all these Christian men gay or gay "acting" all of the time?". I never really thought that maybe the seemingly large presence of effeminate men in the church has to do with them being encouraged to be more loving and sensitive,* I guess a departure from the hyper masculinity encouraged by the world*.


 

That's so disheartening. I would like a masculine, manly, man of God. I mean, he doesn't even have to be a religious fanatic...just a man who knows the word, loves the Lord and accepts the Lord as his saviour. Seems like they're few and far between.


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## PassionFruit (Jun 12, 2008)

I know this goes off-topic a lil.. but a few of my single friends seem to do better with guys who werent raised in church and only attended since/because they met a God-fearing woman...

One friend in particular is a PK...  has dated all types of church-reared men...   now is happily engaged to a man who only had ever been to church for weddings & funerals...  he saw God thru the light she reflected.... he was just a regular hood guy... they dated a few times, she invited him to church.... he reluctantly went just to please her and as he got involved, he liked it...
oddly, she met him at a barber shop


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## LivingDoll (Jun 12, 2008)

PassionFruit said:


> I know this goes off-topic a lil.. but a few of my single friends seem to do better with guys who werent raised in church and only attended since/because they met a God-fearing woman...
> 
> One friend in particular is a PK... has dated all types of church-reared men... now is happily engaged to a man who only had ever been to church for weddings & funerals... he saw God thru the light she reflected.... he was just a regular hood guy... they dated a few times, she invited him to church.... he reluctantly went just to please her and as he got involved, he liked it...
> oddly, *she met him at a barber shop*


 
What's a PK...

Similarly, I'm more attracted to 'hood' guys than I am to church fellas...that's why I feel so bad when a church fella tries to holla and I'm like 

U know that's my thing right?


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## Southernbella. (Jun 12, 2008)

PassionFruit said:


> I know this goes off-topic a lil.. but a few of my single friends seem to do better with guys who werent raised in church and only attended since/because they met a God-fearing woman...
> 
> One friend in particular is a PK... has dated all types of church-reared men... now is happily engaged to a man who only had ever been to church for weddings & funerals... he saw God thru the light she reflected.... he was just a regular hood guy... they dated a few times, she invited him to church.... he reluctantly went just to please her and as he got involved, he liked it...
> oddly, she met him at a barber shop


 
Interesting...

Maybe guys who were raised in the church get jaded and turn away more often than men who are newly saved. That goes for PK's, especially, at least all the ones I've known.


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## LivingDoll (Jun 12, 2008)

PK=Preacher's kid?


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## PassionFruit (Jun 12, 2008)

daephae said:


> PK=Preacher's kid?




yep................


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## IntoMyhair (Jun 12, 2008)

My cousin is a deacon in his small church. He is Bi he has a 8 year old daughter. He has dated other woman in his church. He just told me a few weeks ago he is looking for a good woman. He also has a live in male lover that goes to and dates woman from the same small church. They are both Bi and i bet they are not using protection. The woman that they have relationships with either ignore there ways or are stupid. They both act in a feminine ways. I knew he (cousin) was gay before i was told. The dude that he is sleeping with tried to pull me when he first saw me. Hell no thank you. 

He lives in a 2 bedroom apt with his mom his mom has 1 bedroom and he and the guy share the other bedroom. Moms just turns a blind eye to what he is really doing. She won't take the fact that he is gay.

If you think hi is to feminine that is you intuition going off. 

For the record i don't have a problem with gay people my uncle is gay and has a 20 plus year relationship with another man that i have known since i was a baby.

i have a problem with men that are gay and in church and dating and sexing both man and woman and are not telling the woman that they like and sleep with men on the regular.
They are all active in the little church I keep saying little because if some one comes in there with HIV or some other uncureable stuff they will have a out break.  They have been doing this for 4 years now.


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## PassionFruit (Jun 12, 2008)

I dont think the OP thinks the guy is gay...  I dont... I just think they are "soft" and she isnt attracted to that aspect of the man....   thats a BIG difference between guys that are on the DL...

I dont think most soft guys are on the DL


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## LivingDoll (Jun 12, 2008)

Double post


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## LivingDoll (Jun 12, 2008)

IntoMyhair said:


> My cousin is a deacon in his small church. He is Bi he has a 8 year old daughter. He has dated other woman in his church. He just told me a few weeks ago he is looking for a good woman. He also has a live in male lover that goes to and dates woman from the same small church. They are both Bi and i bet they are not using protection. The woman that they have relationships with either ignore there ways or are stupid. They both act in a feminine ways. I knew he (cousin) was gay before i was told. The dude that he is sleeping with tried to pull me when he first saw me. Hell no thank you.
> 
> He lives in a 2 bedroom apt with his mom his mom has 1 bedroom and he and the guy share the other bedroom. Moms just turns a blind eye to what he is really doing. She won't take the fact that he is gay.
> 
> ...


 


PassionFruit said:


> I dont think the OP thinks the guy is gay... I dont... I just think they are "soft" and she isnt attracted to that aspect of the man.... thats a BIG difference between guys that are on the DL...
> 
> I dont think most soft guys are on the DL


 

I'm not saying that he is gay...I'm saying he's feminine and I don't know what to think. There's always the possibility. I don't have a problem with gay people either but I don't want to date a man who goes both ways. It's bad enough that a lot of masculine men are DL...what am I to make of a feminine man? 

With a masculine man who is on the low, it's like "shame on you" I had no idea.

With a feminine man who is on the low, it's like "shame on me", I shoulda known...

See what I'm saying?

ETA: There are lots of men who are just soft but not gay and don't have those tendencies. For the record, I'm not attracted to soft men.


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## sunnydaze (Jun 12, 2008)

daephae said:


> I'm not saying that he is gay...I'm saying he's feminine and I don't know what to think. There's always the possibility. I don't have a problem with gay people either but I don't want to date a man who goes both ways. It's bad enough that a lot of masculine men are DL...what am I to make of a feminine man?
> 
> With a masculine man who is on the low, it's like "shame on you" I had no idea.
> 
> ...


 

To piggyback..I agree that you are entitled to like who you like. Just b/c he is saved, doesn't mean his softness should be overlooked, if that is not what you are attracted to.

I don't know too many saved or unsaved women who find feminine men attractive, just like most men do not like masculine women.


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## LivingDoll (Jun 12, 2008)

sunnydaze said:


> To piggyback..I agree that you are entitled to like who you like. *Just b/c he is saved, doesn't mean his softness should be overlooked*, if that is not what you are attracted to.
> 
> I don't know too many saved or unsaved women who find feminine men attractive, just like most men do not like masculine women.


 
That's it!! I think I was confused about whether or not other women overlook feminine qualities in men that are saved. I felt bad because although he is saved (and that is desirable) he is feminine (which is very undesirable).


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## sprungonhairboards (Jun 12, 2008)

Saved does not = gay or effeminate 

That is NOT a good look and not the least bit attractive to me. I'd be out.


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## metamorfhosis (Jun 12, 2008)

Hi daephae-

I am on a fundraising committee and there is one black man on the committee. He is in his 50's, clean cut, well dressed, soft spoken, mannerable, and classy. The ladies on the committee keep on speaking up for him and hinting to me that he is a great guy. 

Well, I analyzed him---weighed the pros and cons and decided that he's not the one for me. He could be a good friend but I am not feeling him as a boyfriend or husband. He's not man enough for me.

I know what I like, GOD knows what I like, and GOD knows who will be best for me. I'll just wait until we are reunited...........


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## Sirens_Song (Jun 25, 2008)

lauren450 said:


> Remember that Funniest Home Videos where the black guy was getting married and started screaming on the altar for several minutes?



I love that video. Here ya go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqXHbPeJciI&amp;feature=related


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## LivingDoll (Jun 25, 2008)

Sirens_Song said:


> I love that video. Here ya go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqXHbPeJciI&amp;feature=related


 

girl that is too funny. I don't think I coulda stood up through all that.


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## PinkPebbles (Jun 25, 2008)

Sirens_Song said:


> I love that video. Here ya go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqXHbPeJciI&amp;feature=related


 

LOL...

My coworker tried to set me up with this guy that has feminine mannerism. He has his own business, beautiful home, and handsome but I just could not look pass his feminine ways. My intuition was screaming NO and I kept it movin!


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## LivingDoll (Jun 25, 2008)

PinkPebbles said:


> LOL...
> 
> My coworker tried to set me up with this guy that has feminine mannerism. He has his own business, beautiful home, and handsome but I just could not look pass his feminine ways. My intuition was screaming NO and I kept it movin!


 
I know that's right!


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## firecracker (Jun 25, 2008)

PassionFruit said:


> my pastor must be a homophobe cuz THIS he wouldnt put up with... he often speaks about being a *MANLY MAN and he dont play that finger snapping neck popping stuff*... *we've lost several ministers of music over it...*


  uh why does it seem like its always the music ministry and not the manly womanizing Deacon's board?  

I say you like what you like.  You want a man = manly men not girly men (in my best Arnold the Governator's voice)


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## Bubblingbrownshuga (Jun 25, 2008)

Since relationships are hard enough with men who you know are straight, I say leave this situation alone.


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## NGraceO (Jun 30, 2008)

daephae said:


> What do y'all think?
> 
> I recently met a man who is saved. He says he is straight but he has some effeminate ways. Not quite "snap, snap, I know thats right" but feminine nonetheless. In this age of _masculine_ DL men, I DEFINITELY don't feel comfortable pursuing a relationship with a feminine man whether he be a man of God or not.
> 
> ...


 
IMO, if your Spirit is saying NNOOOO, then, THATS IT. period. Whether he be feminine or not...


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