# My first hard but necessary decision



## Irresistible (Jan 25, 2009)

and God help me with this one

But I know certain things wont be broken in my life unless I break certain things and I need God's help with that too

if anyone has seen the threads recently on my relationship woes where the I claimed that the devil was having a field day with him, but have looked at so many things and realized he is having one with ME too, it was hard to face, but its the truth

I know I have to be the one to take some kind of spiritual stand,  he surely wont erplexed God cannot help me if I leave him out

anyway, first step,  celibacy  *GULPPP*!!!!!

Yes I have fallen and am no fool at knowing how hard it will be to get up, but I dont want to fall back into these hellish cycles,  its sheer torment,  I know I will have issues and errm 'feelings' and oh God help me, I dont know how I am going to do this.......but I know what I must do

first step instead of spending the night with him and getting lost in the throws of passion all night till dawn *shiver*  

I AM GOING TO DECLINE, stay at home, and stick to my commitment to take time with God.   

help

pray

anybody

everybody

gulp

I HAVE TO MAKE SOME FIRM SPIRITUAL DECISIONS AND STAND ON THEM


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## JFemme (Jan 25, 2009)

I'll be praying for you, Iris...


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## Irresistible (Jan 25, 2009)

JFemme said:


> I'll be praying for you, Iris...


girl I NEED it, Thank you!

this is what got us all messed up in the first place, not being able to cope with it and not being spiritually prepared

I gotta trust God more than man,  I gotta fight this fight or we , especially me, crash and burn

amazingly the desire to NOT feel how I have been feeling lately and all these reactions and turmoil does make me want to do whatever I need to do to NOT feel that way anymore

ok you know one question in my mind,  if he cant hang......but I just gotta figure, so be it then.  I got two paths to take here,  and I chose my path A LONG TIME AGO and now I HAVE gotten off that path, and it aint pretty, and its very unfamiliar territory  , I mean its great to have all that.  BUT I NEED SO MUCH MORE, and God cant do more in me or this situation if I dont go to higher ground and lean on HIM more, although I do see him at work,  I also see where he is leading me, and its very clear where the 'OTHER' way leads


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## Irresistible (Jan 25, 2009)

funny his answer was

take the seat belts off and go for broke



which is big for him with all his fears,   but I know already too well where thats going to land us


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## HeChangedMyName (Jan 25, 2009)

Go for it.  I've done this and it has been very peaceful.  call that flesh under control and hand it over to God.  When we play with the things that are meant for married people, we are essentially playing with the devil anyways and that is where we let him in.  Get him out of your life and you will see so many things changing, things you never even realized needed changing, but I'm praying for you, you know I got your back.


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## Irresistible (Jan 25, 2009)

wow

why in this instant did I JUST feel like this huge weight was lifted off of me???


thats weird!!!!!!!!!!!

like this overwhelming feeling of 'its all going to be okay' 

wow!!!! I'm thankful for that release in my spirit,  I been all balled up from the inside out and it just left-just like that


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## Irresistible (Jan 25, 2009)

Thank you so much ladies!

i love yall soooo much!!!!!!!!!


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## JFemme (Jan 25, 2009)

((Iris)), dont settle for less than you deserve....

If I were a single woman, I'd be concerned with who, where I'd be in say five years with said partner...

Time is ticking... each decision is paving your fate...so think hard...

I would not spend one second of it with someone who was not my ideal in all respects...

(I know this is hard, I feel your struggle)

much love, Sis...


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## Irresistible (Jan 25, 2009)

JFemme said:


> ((Iris)), dont settle for less than you deserve....
> 
> If I were a single woman, I'd be concerned with who, where I'd be in say five years with said partner...
> 
> ...


yes sweetie it is very difficult,  and I need God's direction and ministry on this badly now!  AND I HEAR EVERY WORD UR SAYING! 

I'm so going to be praying,  I cannot afford to be going the wrong way anymore and besides who do I really choose My God or Man

I made my choice long ago, now when the going gets tough , and this aint the first time its been tough of course,  but I cant give up on my walk and my stand and what God wants for me and my life FIRST

Ladies, I Just thank you so much for all your love

this has all been REALLY hard,  but I am ready to make the changes that need to be made , so that I can move forward and get out of this horrible spiritual spiral into a pit from hell


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## Irresistible (Jan 25, 2009)

I'm just giggling in my spirit, imagining his reaction,  when I tell him this one

making the call now


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## HeChangedMyName (Jan 25, 2009)

Irresistible said:


> I'm just giggling in my spirit, imagining his reaction,  when I tell him this one
> 
> making the call now


good luck!


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## Irresistible (Jan 25, 2009)

SuperNova said:


> good luck!


 Erm he didnt sound too happy

but strangely I AINT worried

I feel relief

I hope this feeling lasts


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## Irresistible (Jan 25, 2009)

where the rubber meets the road

if he wants just sex although what we had was out this world,  if its easily replaceable to him and he doesnt fight for us , something more for us, restoration of and for us, healing for us, a higher walk for us etc etc

then he should be replaced! last words

But now I let go and let God and am at peace with that.  I was miserable with the emptiness after the fact, after all thats happened with us, I need a renewing of my faith in our relationship or there is none

let God have his way now, I got out the way

selah! hehe


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## Evolving78 (Jan 25, 2009)

i am going to pray for you.  i have been there and i know that you are going to need a lot of pray and strength from the Lord and yourself.


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## Irresistible (Jan 25, 2009)

shortdub78 said:


> i am going to pray for you.  i have been there and i know that you are going to need a lot of pray and strength from the Lord and yourself.


yes indeed girl! 

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Ivonnovi (Jan 25, 2009)

You've taken a bold step.  Especially since you're "in" a relationship.   
Sending my prayers for strength and "spiritual" growth for the two of you....(and hope you all grow together)


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## Irresistible (Jan 25, 2009)

yorlooksmybiz said:


> You've taken a bold step.  Especially since you're "in" a relationship.
> Sending my prayers for strength and "spiritual" growth for the two of you....(and hope you all grow together)


awww thank you!!!! 

I'm ready to accept whatever God does or wants me to do

but I do have hope, not hope that is against his will though,  hope that will change and grow according to his plan and will 

as it is made known and clear


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## hb1913 (Jan 25, 2009)

I will be praying for you also. Be strong!


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## Irresistible (Jan 25, 2009)

Day one and everything is all weird and awkward like I dont know if I should call him back or not

I am gaining clarity , although confused as well-if that makes sense

but I feel very sure that I need this stand and this time

so with that, there is no backing out or down


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## ClassicChic (Jan 25, 2009)

Sounds as if you made the best decision for you. You deserve it. Celibacy is worth the wait.


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## MrsQueeny (Jan 25, 2009)

Praying for you as well. Just know when you put God first, everything else will fall into line. It won't be easy but always remember, "greater is He that is in you than He that is in the world." Much love. Q


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## momi (Jan 25, 2009)

Amen!  During my single years I too struggled with this, then one day after prayer God and pleasing Him simply became much more important than my temporary fleshly desires. Also, understanding that when we walk away from a particular area of sin and return to it, the final condition can be worse than the first (Luke 11) That was the last thing I needed!  Honestly - after that it was easy.  

Even in other areas where temptation comes my way I am reminded that Jesus means more and no temporary thing is worth sacrificing my relationship with Him.

"For in the case of those who have once been enlightened and have tasted of the heavenly gift and have been made partakers of the Holy Spirit, 5 and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, 6 and then have fallen away, it is impossible to renew them again to repentance, since they again crucify to themselves the Son of God and put Him to open shame... Hebrews 6: 4-6

Press on girl!


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## inthepink (Jan 25, 2009)

Iris - this is great to hear!  With the support of everyone here and with prayer - you can do it.  In a way, I think it will help you see things more clearly.


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## Paradox (Jan 25, 2009)

Be strong and know that you can't do this alone but instead through God.
Heck I can't even go without chocolate or internet without help from God, I can't even imagine your situation.
Remember that the devil will try to tell you when are tempted,  that one more time shouldn't hurt and if you fall the tables will turn and he'll tell you that is too late to get back up, but don't listen to his lies.
One more time is significant, however if you fall it is not too late.


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## Irresistible (Jan 25, 2009)

you ladies are all so wonderful for your words and lifting up and prayers

Thank you all so much!!!!

every thing you all are saying means the world to me!!!!!


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## Irresistible (Jan 26, 2009)

Texted him tonight (now last night) did not call him

Text #1 I love you, I am at a loss, the only thing I know to do is take time and space and prayer, my spirit is so wounded and horrified over so many things with us

Text #2 Taking time with God can only be a good thing for me right now

Text #3 I dont feel I have anything to give to us anymore after everything , its so hard to believe now

no response


but its ok I wont be moved until God gets a hold of this man's heart and does a work and a work in mine,  or even leads me to keep moving on

its hard, but its easy, I just dont want the turmoil anymore


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## Whisper (Jan 26, 2009)

Stay strong!! Greater is He that is in you.......


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## Irresistible (Jan 26, 2009)

I decided very firmly today, that mistakes were made being open here about alot of this, not in some ways , for all the ladies so full of love and support and guidance and REALNESS and not JUDGMENT, God bless you forever , but another couple of others..........nah!

I have a clear responsibility in where we are at, he has had issues and so did I , I am only taking responsibilty for mine and leaving him to God on his. I am holding him accountable for his and me for mine, but the only part I can take responsibility for is mine

But let me make this clear,  if he steps up,  and I FEEL and KNOW what I need to through this stand and prayer,  I am back in his arms with a quickness  , planning to marry and spend my life with him, with no apology, question or doubt, or even a second thought (and let me make this part even clearer , THAT NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE THINKS) I am so far past looking at or listening, when I REALLY know better,  listening to 'human' influence on what to do with my life or which way to go.  NOBODY can be so haughty to say what God cant have the victory in, this is him all the time , the same yesterday , today and forever.  He is in the business of healings and restoration.  I cant take any ungodly influence whatsoever into my spirit.  and I will do what HE says , that includes walking away (already have) and will keep going.  But I will stand where he says to stand too (those couple or few that dont understand this stand or walk or faith or even where I am at on this or why, trust me boo, I'm good with that too) Its going to be MY life that I have to work out and live and answer to

I said that because of a couple 'haughty roses smell like boo boo' tones I got today.  

And I do have some regrets on letting some things influence me on here from my posts when I really already deep inside me knew better already, before I even asked

and after its all said and done its my life and only God has final say on things in it. Really , EVERYTHING in it.   This man is full of love and greatness and has blessed my life greatly with profound love,  I am real clear on his issues *and mine*  and understanding them and knowing just why and how I played my part in this,  and know what needs to be taken to God and let go and worked out.  I know just what I am doing now and why, without a single doubt , and what I expect need and want , I know how to stand, and wont falter on this stand , I AM even more resolute than ever now

all in all the resolve in my soul now is the blessing , and all worked out for the best and for that I am thankful

Come what may God is going to have his way

fall back with the negativity (those few) For the rest that have a heart of LOVE , God I am so thankful for all of you,  it wasnt all in vain because of you!


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## Irresistible (Jan 26, 2009)

oh and back in his arms did not mean back to sex either

I cant say whether I will stand or fall later in that area, right now I am just taking this one day at at time and standing for the reasons that are clear in my spirit. 

my actual desire is to keep this celibacy stand before God, thats why I took it


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## ladyofvirtue (Jan 27, 2009)

You are absolutely too beautiful, inside and out, to settle for less than The LORD wants you to have.

I have been where you are, knowing better, but not doing better.  

And you know what?  I didn't get GOD's best till I began to give HIM my best.  _*"But seek ye first the kingdom of GOD and HIS righteouness and all these things shall be added unto you." KJV*_

How many times have we failed the same test over and over again?  We never graduate and go on to the next level until we are able to pass the current test without any errors.

The LORD wants to bless you, so, do what you have to do for HIM and watch HIM reward you in a way that will absolutely blow your mind!


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## Irresistible (Jan 27, 2009)

ladyofvirtue said:


> You are absolutely too beautiful, inside and out, to settle for less than The LORD wants you to have.
> 
> I have been where you are, knowing better, but not doing better.
> 
> ...



WOW!!!!!!!

now that was so awesome!  Im standing girl! and every word you just said fed my spirit.  We talked today and I feel such a release , more and more, I let this go and LET GOD and its getting better and I BELIEVE every word you just spoke

Thank you 
so much!


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## hopeful (Jan 27, 2009)

You can do it Iris.


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## Irresistible (Jan 27, 2009)

hopeful said:


> You can do it Iris.



Thank you sweetie!

I can!

I just have to

everything was spiraling so fast

I need God so bad! I have to honor him , I fell away some, but I have a deep desire in my soul to be back, so that should keep me,  cause now that desire is greater than the other


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## Irresistible (Jan 27, 2009)

Text from him tonight

*I love you baby, always!*

it all just feels I dunno.......sad

I already know I cant let him go this easy! But I also know we NEED healing and to break some cycles

So I will cry alone for a while, but I will cry to God and I will trust

thats what its all for, to invite God in this and leave me out , to find answers to let him move to seek him

I know now we can overcome,  I know now I was soooo wrong to look to him to do it alone, I UNDERSTAND more than ever how I played into our issues, his issues, how I made it all worse,  how I blamed him and didnt look at me, how yes he has his fault but how I always blew that up, to the extreme, HOW I KEPT RUNNING and shutting down from everything, I know now what it going to take,  walking in LOVE greater than anything

I am only hurting myself at this point by staying totally away from him, he's like the air I breathe,  its a joke and always has been everytime we try to leave

I'm gonna stop these cycles of fear and pain,  with God's help

he's far from the only one with blame


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## Irresistible (Jan 28, 2009)

nevermind........

I am all over the place

being still,  I wanna run back to him, away from him, to something else, anything to get out of the heartbrokeness


I wanna be like Lot's wife and just let it all burn behind me and not look back , but uhh I mean I know she looked back, I mean I want to be unlike her,  I cant just be still

I'm struggling so hard ya'll

the wounds in my soul, the wounds i know I caused, the fears,  nothing will be still!



ugh ugh ugh


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## Lucky's Mom (Jan 28, 2009)

Girl - I had no idea you were going through all of this.....

I have some scriptures for you..... I will PM you....

Keep in mind that the person you choose to spend your life with - determines where you will spend eternity.....

Love you!


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## Irresistible (Jan 28, 2009)

samanthajones67 said:


> Girl - I had no idea you were going through all of this.....
> 
> I have some scriptures for you..... I will PM you....
> 
> ...



yeah girl this has been pretty crazy,  one of the most painful things Ive ever had to walk through

I look forward to the scriptures and I love you too

so tonight I GOT through it,  sent some emotional texts to him, didnt want to talk on the phone with him,  cried on the phone with my friend, and then another friend and then cried some more alone, maybe I JUST had to cry, I DUNNO

I guess I wasnt thinking the pain would hit that DANG hard.  But I'm still standing

thats what matters right now


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## Irresistible (Jan 28, 2009)

Checking in

doing ok,  at least its not the roller coaster of emotions and soul wrenching pain of yesterday/last night

day by day, one day at a time


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## Tigerlily25 (Jan 29, 2009)

This is a hard walk, I know cause I'm in it right now myself. I'm so proud to hear another sistah is doing it! I know know know the pain firsthand because I want to take the man back but I want God more. It's a hard walk. 

I try not to think about it and keep my mind busy. Strangely I've been at the Christian bookstore more frequently these days....hmmm . Reading more, praying more, drawing closer to Him feels soooo much better than anything, yes anything and it's truly amazing. 

In the Christian book store, I discovered books by Charles Capps. I read "God's Creative Power for Healing" and then I read "God's Creative Power for Finances". Wow, good stuff is all I can say. I'm looking for the book by his daughter, Annette Capps called "Quantum Faith". I just know it will be just as good .

Stay prayed-up cause the enemy is watching. My prayers are with you and I support you 100%. Fight the good fight and you will be victorious.


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## joytimes10 (Jan 29, 2009)

Iris,
How are you today?  I'm praying for you, girl.  G_d is so pleased with you because you're choosing Him over the temporary pleasures of this life.  He will reward you for your faithfulness by blessing a relationship that he has for you, whether it's the current one or another.   Continue to go the Him in pray and strenghten your relationship with Him. The best times of my life have been when I'm in close fellowship with G_d.  He can be all you need if you let Him.  Hang in there!


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## Irresistible (Jan 29, 2009)

Thank you ladies, 

Today , LOL, was a trip.......

I woke up with this one instant in our relationship in my mind,  someone I let into my life as a friend and he was a blessing, This hurt him and our relationship, even though everything was on the up and up and based on truth in all I did,  it wounded him and I had a very heavy spirit, God ministered to me how that hurt him and how he didnt get past it

Then this very strange turn took place in my spirit and I WENT OVER EVERYTHING in our relationship,  how he couldnt get over this or that,  but my heart wasnt in the wrong place, how he stayed around just to make me pay for those things , how he held in the pain and went with revenge and that I have no more price to pay and that he better check with God for himself on his

lets just say he did not like the texts of me telling him about himself 

lets put it this way,  and this bottom lines everything, he is the type of man that would throw me in a fire and us in a fire to do what he thinks is 'saving his own a$$' from his fears of me leaving

funny thing is everything he feared wasnt in me,  WAS

All along

so the way I see this now, is God is giving me release, he makes me understand him , to heal my soul, but not to have guilt,  because he could have been a bigger man , than taking us to hell in a handbasket riding there all the way on his fears

yeah I am just going to let God deal with him-if he even sees fit to

eta, I know I had my part,  but I can only take responsibilty for that, not what he did or he how he handled things, understanding it, for him, is fine, helps me heal more, but justifying it ........NOT

no more than I can justify my wrong


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## Irresistible (Jan 29, 2009)

joytimes10 said:


> Iris,
> How are you today?  I'm praying for you, girl.  G_d is so pleased with you because you're choosing Him over the temporary pleasures of this life.  He will reward you for your faithfulness by blessing a relationship that he has for you, whether it's the current one or another.   Continue to go the Him in pray and strenghten your relationship with Him. The best times of my life have been when I'm in close fellowship with G_d.  He can be all you need if you let Him.  Hang in there!





Tigerlily25 said:


> This is a hard walk, I know cause I'm in it right now myself. I'm so proud to hear another sistah is doing it! I know know know the pain firsthand because I want to take the man back but I want God more. It's a hard walk.
> 
> I try not to think about it and keep my mind busy. Strangely I've been at the Christian bookstore more frequently these days....hmmm . Reading more, praying more, drawing closer to Him feels soooo much better than anything, yes anything and it's truly amazing.
> 
> ...



I love u ladies, thank you so much!!!!


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## Irresistible (Jan 29, 2009)

his whole MO was wound me to control me

I totally see that now

now its broken

FOR GOOD!!

either he comes up , when he has to live with himself, and what he has done, or he goes on without me with his control freak bullshyt!

so this is one stage

Anger,  I at least definitely feel that now in part, not all the hurt , sad none the less, but his part I cant do anything about, and I paid dearly and in kind for mine and did my best to make everything right

he would rather operate in 'control' and wounding me,  foolish!!!!!

Of course I need greater, greater USE to be in HIM, so much, I dont know where it all went out the door,  but it doesnt change that he let it all go out the door, whatever I DID , I could never damage us as he has

its finished ya'll

unless God says otherwise

I am done


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## Irresistible (Jan 29, 2009)

A letter from a control freak , abusive man's point of view
****************************
I should avoid emotional closeness, because it leaves me vulnerable and open to hurt. I will adopt an attitude of aloofness and indifference to keep my partner from getting a piece of me. Besides, if I let my partner get into my head, I will be under her rule and will be smothered.  I will lose myself.  To prevent this, I will subconsciously and consciously distance myself from my partner to keep her from overtaking me, while giving her fleeting moments of tenderness to keep her near me.

Here’s how I’ll go about it.

I will put off her requests for closeness, for talks and for time alone together. I will interrupt her and dismiss her opinions.  I will show little interest when she wants to share an insight or a story from her day, and I will not share mine.  When she hears me share something with someone else and asks. “Why didn’t you tell me that? I will say.” Or “I didn’t think you’d be interested” or “I forgot.”  I will scoff at her interests as well as her choices and habits.  Also, I will make sure I don’t miss a chance to point out with a tone of superiority and rightness-- how opposite or different her choices and habits are from mine.  This helps prove that any attempts at working on our relationship will likely fail, since we are so different and thereby gives me more reason to distance myself.

I will spend my time at home on house projects, watching TV, reading magazines or playing with the kids anything and everything to leave no time for us to have a private moment.  I will stay up each night later than her to avoid any closeness when we go to bed, then tell her she needs too much sleep.  If I want to have sex, I will wake her from her sleep and began touching her, knowing she’ll respond because I’ve minimized affection and she’s craving any intimacy I’ll offer.  When I am not at home avoiding her, I will pursue activities outside the home and not include her or forget to tell her about my activities until the day of the event, thereby leaving little possibility that she can attend with me.

To keep her within arm’s reach, I will occasionally throw out a   “we should do X.”  I may even really mean to do something with her, but I won’t ever make it a priority so that other things I have to do will always come first...  I will leave my schedule open to attend whatever event I want, work on any project I want, or go out with friends (without considering that I should find a sitter because I know she’ll be home).  But I will raise a fuss when she decides to take a night off from the house and the kids without getting my OK.  After all, she always checks with me to see if I’ll be home, so if she doesn’t check, she must be punishing me, and I will call her on it.  I will evade suggestion from her for a night out together or will commit to a night out grudgingly and without any sign of enthusiasm.  When she stops initiating dates for us and then later complains about our lack of fun time, I will (with irritation in my tone) remind
 her that she needs to initiate it I can’t always be the one initiating.

If she asks that we have a talk, I will put on my game face of mild irritation at her demand that I share.  I
will let her run the talk, not offering much input and not validating her opinions.  If she pushes ANY buttons or requests any changes in my behavior, I will unleash my rage and feel it is my entitlement to cut her, criticize, accuse her of riding me and then leave the room or the house, so that she can’t continue talking to me. Her talking is just a cover to get a chance to ***** at me anyway.  When she sets up a session with a counselor, I will go so that no one can place blame on me for not going.  Then I will tell the counselor that the reasons we have problems is that we are very different people so we can’t communicate with each other.

Once in a while, I will throw her a crumb and share a thought or a hug with her.  Or, at the spur of the moment, I will decide -- without asking her first -- to take her out to dinner so that she can’t say to her friends or my family. He NEVER spends time alone with me.  I will subvert any attempts from her to talk about us spending more time together during these rare occasions when I do spend a night with her.

I will show disgust at her lack of confidence and insecurities.  Then I will bring up her tender spots (insecurities) whenever it helps me gain the upper hand or control in an uncomfortable situation.  That way, the focus of whatever comes up is shifted away from me and onto her unreasonable insecurities. 

When she reacts to any of this with anger or other high emotions (yelling, getting hysterical, crying, bawling, or walks around joyless and bitter), I will offer very little comfort, concern, reassurance or attention.  After all, she is trying to punish me with all her hysterical and depressing emotions, and I don’t need the hassle. 

Her anger and emotional reactions provide good reasons to keep distancing myself from such an intentionally hurtful person.  I will make sure I tell my friends and family that her only moods are depressed, hysterical, joyless and bitter, and nothing I do is ever enough for her.  That way I can make an ironclad case that proves to everyone, including myself, that it is her fault when she leaves me.


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## Irresistible (Jan 29, 2009)

^^^^^^That was not my life to a T of course, not even to the detail

but it makes it point, clear, none the less


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## hopeful (Jan 30, 2009)

Irresistible said:


> ^^^^^^That was not my life to a T of course, not even to the detail
> 
> but it makes it point, clear, none the less


 
Well if that is an accurate description of your relationship then believe me you can do better.  And you most certainly should not be sharing your body with someone like this and who is not your husband.  You are too valuable and precious for that.  Best to keep moving forward and moving on.


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## Irresistible (Jan 30, 2009)

hopeful said:


> Well if that is an accurate description of your relationship then believe me you can do better.  And you most certainly should not be sharing your body with someone like this and who is not your husband.  You are too valuable and precious for that.  Best to keep moving forward and moving on.



Hopeful , there is never a possible accurate description of a whole relationship,  each moment good and bad,  all the things that brought us together, all that was good before it went bad, its never so simple, never to be able to explain in one post,  or to one person,  not for any woman , you know what I mean?

no its not an accurate description,  the accuracy is in that underlying destruction, the subtle control and abuse, with the motive for control caused by his fear that I would leave, and then blaming me when I do anyway-thats the main point, his self fullfilled prophesy , of outlandish fears-and his actions and reactions giving his fears birth

you know giving my body to him was a beautiful thing, not the sin itself, but the 'experience'  I dont need to say more on that .....lol,  nobody can take that away or take it from me the beauty that was shared that way,  which caused all his dysfunctional fear (and then mine).....because of course it was out of God's order in the first place

we were in over our heads long ago with that, I have to say, as a woman that celibate for most of ten years,  with him I NEVER EVER would of stood a chance with that stand, unless we only talked on the phone and were never alone,  NEVER as in EVER ,....also remember I said all along, I was dysfunctional too,  and he had me on guilt for a long time, never ever is something like this simple or so easy,  for these deep irrational cycles to occur,  there has to be deep love and passion and deep rooted fears before it turns sick and into hate and control

yes I am better off without this in my life and him, with you on that I totally agree

Abuse has been a part of my whole life to some degree and its not EVER easily broken,  all though I always break the cycles wherever/whenever they pop up eventually ONLY with God's help , The pain is NEVER easily healed,  to say this is easy and my soul isnt left fractured and wounded is a lie, to say I am free from guilt and its all ON him is a lie,  lots of healing has to take place,  you see we tend to go to those who broke us, to fix us,  and truth is I was broken before him, He seemed to 'put me back together again'  he also learned of it and was the one to use it for his control bull,  but to put 'me' back together again is going to take a whole lot more than ' I am better off pep talks' , although its the truth, I hope you hear me, I am appreciating what you said,  its just not going to be so simple,  he isnt the only one that is sick and broken

we cant fix eachother,  I think in some sick way we tried to do that in eachother you know?  and for the moments when we felt 'fixed' together,  and in eachother, lets just say they ran real deep,  really damn deep, so beautiful, we became stifled by fears, paralyzed and lost sight of walking in love, and not fears and control,  but then so did the pain and fears  run deep as hell, when the 'one that fixed us'  the other, became a threat to leave when neither could fathom life without the other, this is classic, God not being first,  when you dont want to live without the other?  then we tried to control the other with the other's brokeness and fears , not trusting in love and God......like I said we were in over our heads long ago.....I am saying here, the was the first, and the greatest in the destruction, I AM ALSO SADLY saying he wasnt the only one partaking in such darkness,  I am not here just to point fingers at him-I am here to cry out to God in front of everybody with no shame for the healing of my soul

 I have CRIED out to God now, I have taken my position in this 'spiritually now' and I am determined to let God have final say,  in my life first and everything regarding him and what he is to be in my life,  so let the breaking of cycles and the healing begin and the destruction of the enemy be cast down and rebuked

cause I aint playing no more, this is bigger than anything I can do anything about , for me , or for him,  of course my focus right now can ONLY be me first now, because of my spiritual responsibility which is greater than his,  I have now taken that stand,   but I was lost and spiraled and it wasnt ever just him .....not ever

and this is just so much deeper than any simplicity my soul can grasp

yes I DESERVE better,  thats only the beginning of what my soul needs to grasp.  I AM NOT BLAMING HIM FOR HIS SICKNESS AND BROKENESS AND FEARS HERE,  Pls undrerstand he is a complex man, not simple, not put in a box, his soul is wounded too, and I took part in that, I just learned that my guilt cant fix him or me or us, I was in for more than I knew before I knew about the depths of his soul's wounds

I am simply not going to take responsility for it anymore, only mine, I am not writing this openly for anyone to speak against him in things they know not , about his heart and his brokenness,  only asking for prayer and support for mine here and now


of course prayer for him somwhere in all this certainly would not hurt 

not for 'our' reconciliation , but because that would be what God would want

I'm calling things like I see it no matter what from this day on, no more not wanting to face the pain

nah I'm on a head on collision with it,  with a purpose , that I welcome, to come out on the other side, with God's help and God first now


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## joytimes10 (Jan 30, 2009)

Amen, Iris.  You're on you way to a better place.  You know why God didn't give us the ability of instant travel?  Because He understands that every thing in life is a journey.  A mile is traveled 1 step at a time.  Praying for you, Sis.


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## kayte (Jan 30, 2009)

may God enclose you with HIS perfect love...love that does not hurt or has fear in it or punishment or terror....

_There is no difference between love and healing.
They are one and the same.
They are each accomplished by the other _

then sweet truth shall be known and shall set you free


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## Irresistible (Jan 31, 2009)

Thank you ladies

U ARE ALL TRULY HIS BEAUTIFUL ONES! 

all of you have beautiful hearts , souls and spirits

and are bright lights in a dark world 

the LOVE in your hearts is worth more than any material thing in this world



This is not easy

But this too shall pass


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## tgrowe (Jan 31, 2009)

Iris, your thread is encouraging. It is so refreshing to see a revelation obtained and a breakthrough grasped. Be strong and hang in there. You've made the right decision, regardless of how hard it was for the flesh, when you did it God's way.


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## Irresistible (Feb 1, 2009)

Ok so we had a stupid argument, so stupid that I was laughing the whole time on the other side of the phone and come to find out so was he,  this took place by text

So, yesterday morning I wrestled alot in my sleep, it was on my heart to tell him,  that His mother is probably greiving and disgraced by his behavior,  I have never mentioned his mother in this way, but it was on my heart

he responded with I LOVE YOU,  from there we talked and talked and talked and talked some more,  so much was said,  him making beautiful plans for my birthday-like a 5 day celebration he is planning for me,  then I told him about how I have been struggling with Low potassium for some reason,  my serum level was 3.4 even though I am taking it daily,  prescription strength,  the doc is wanting to look further into why I am not holding on to my K and I Have been sick ,  he offered to totally take care of me, whatever I need, he always takes care of me, if I really need him,  always has,  and this time I have to admit I might need him to do so-lots of weakness going on , heart skips and just feeling unwell right now, untill i can get the K reabsorbed into my tissues, which takes a while,  also have off blood counts docs are concerned with -that I have to go back and and check-I'm a little scared and he was just I dunno,  the 'sweet' him he can be about it all

we discussed the celibacy thing again, he said its just not going to work,  that he cant be with me and not want that part of us,  but agreed to respect that if thats what I need,  he said he is moving to a penthouse by the beach and filled my head with images of beautiful times we would have staying on the beach,  he said he is never leaving me and we talked about his 'crazy' well ok my 'crazy' too,  I explained the the fears just get the best of me but I have decided that I know this is a issue that I want to conquer, he said 'NEWSFLASH'  I just dont want to be without you, I just cant be without you and when your trying to leave me it drives me crazy,  we discussed the damage his and 'our' behavior has caused and that for me its a case of just needing to believe in 'us' again

He said we are getting married whenever I stop running and such deep deep loving expressions just poured from his heart

and I am elated and kind of like 'HUH'  I was just ready to stand and stay away,  but am I a fool,  because one thing I can say about this man is HE ALWAYS FIGHTS TO BE WITH ME

is that worth losing? I aint never had someone with this much fight in them 'for me' before, he never gives up , never, Its so hard to be away from him,  he is my sunshine, when he aint being that dark cloud LOL, which only happens when he is threatened of my leaving,  so anyway, I still resolve to take no part in the cycles from hell that we got caught up in , and to only walk in LOVE  and to take this slow and stay prayed up most of all!


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## hopeful (Feb 2, 2009)

Wow, that was a lot Iris, you got a lot going on!  I hope your health gets better soon.


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## Irresistible (Feb 2, 2009)

hopeful said:


> Wow, that was a lot Iris, you got a lot going on!  I hope your health gets better soon.



yeah I do sweetie

but you know what,  girl its been like 'hell breaking loose' and one battle after another-like you just dont know-for so long now

its funny how it used to bring me DOWN

and now I'm just used to it,  its ok mama,  the thing I learned in all these constant hits from HELL is that God always brings me through

I dont hit the ground so easy anymore

I dont see things the same as I used to and I know more about the POWER of God and LOVE more than ever,  and I learned to look at me so  much more instead of always pointing fingers to overcome,  as you can see by my posts now.......right?

I have overcome so much girl, and in the moments when the 'super saints' couldnt stand with me no more , I learned more about God, in the darkest hour before dawn,  I knew he was with me,  when destruction was all around me , I learned of his peace,  its a never ending process girl,  I learned not to be so hard on others,  cause just when I DO thats when I find out,  He (God)WILL tell me all about me 

a higher road and walk is NEVER looking down on others , the moment you do that rest assured your beneath them in that instant. 

its always about LOVE

We can take the long way or the short way, the answer is always going to be the same 

the love thats is in you,  has nothing to do with what others do

girl I am such a work in progress , but I see my progress through the pain and darkness and am soooo thankful


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## Irresistible (Feb 2, 2009)

So I was supposed to see him yesterday (Sunday) didnt really feel good, plus too unsure of the strength of my stand, I declined, was supposed to see him today, told him no, Tuesday

Now to figure out how I can do this and not fall 
sad:

how do you go from two years of being intimate to not?


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## Irresistible (Feb 2, 2009)

well let me just add a few more of these


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## hopeful (Feb 2, 2009)

Irresistible said:


> well let me just add a few more of these


 
Only meet in public for now, at a restaurant, coffeeshop, the movies, a park, the beach...

Just don't be alone at your place or his.


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## Irresistible (Feb 2, 2009)

hopeful said:


> Only meet in public for now, at a restaurant, coffeeshop, the movies, a park, the beach...
> 
> Just don't be alone at your place or his.



Thank you sweetie

you know I was THNKING about this hard, and I know just what to say about this to him now too

I'm also going to do what you said


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## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (Feb 2, 2009)

Irresistible said:


> A letter from a control freak , abusive man's point of view
> ****************************
> .


 

You mean, there's a psychological reason for that - that's he actually a lot deeper?  I just thought he was stupid lol (talking about mine).  That was a great one.  Where on earth did you get it?


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## Irresistible (Feb 3, 2009)

GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I said:


> You mean, there's a psychological reason for that - that's he actually a lot deeper?  I just thought he was stupid lol (talking about mine).  That was a great one.  Where on earth did you get it?



hehe you crack me up girl! 

yeah its easy to think/feel they are stupid 

but yes girl , in the end its all about fears and control , which I guess to some degree is still stupid , cause they are so destructive to the love they are so afraid to  lose

but then I looked at me and my ways and it made me relate cause in my own ways I was right there joining him in the 'stupidity'  of fears taking over, while pointing my fingers at him, I let myself 'partake' in all of that destruction and justified it just like him


at one point or another in their realist moments they will even admit it openly 

just something I ran across while seeking and praying for healing, it was on the internet


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## Irresistible (Feb 3, 2009)

So Tonight on the phone after a whole day of some really silly playful texts back and forth while he was at work and I was driving forever 

we talked on the phone and he does this one thing I love, I mean this might have been one of the reasons I fell in love,  in his deep, serious, meaningful voice, he used to do this when we were first falling in love, then not at all anymore after our 'fall' 

he says my name REALLY meaningful like,  AND then pauses (This is so 'VAROOM' to me,  and he doesnt even know it , its saying to me , in advance whatever he is about to say means ALOT) baby, sweetie , and all that is always nice, but something is different when he does that

The things he said from there just blew my mind,  I can recite it or just say this, I know in my spirit , something is amiss , something has changed, he said so many profound things,  I was like MELTING and I was like in my spirit 'There he is , thats my baby, thats my MAN, thats the MAN I knew and fell in love with Yep this is him"


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## Ms.Honey (Feb 3, 2009)

Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Proverbs 6:20-7:1-27

You are playing with fire.


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## Irresistible (Feb 3, 2009)

Ms.Honey said:


> Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned? Can one go upon hot coals, and his feet not be burned? Proverbs 6:20-7:1-27
> 
> You are playing with fire.


I been playing with fire girl! AND already got burned erplexed

so what suggest you I do?


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## Ms.Honey (Feb 4, 2009)

Irresistible said:


> I been playing with fire girl! AND already got burned erplexed
> 
> so what suggest you I do?


I'm out of town on my cell so bear with my typing,lol..

You have to stop romanticizing this relationship hon, it's ungodly and is continually destroying both of your lives. You need to go to the altar and repent. Stay away from him til your flesh is under control. No phone calls either, you're lusting and it leads to no good thing. 
You need a one on one with Jesus, telling Him you're sorry for sinning against Him(sincerely, no it was wrong but I'm glad we had sex stuff, that's not repenting) and that you want to be the holy woman, virtuous like He called you to be. 

I know you want this guy but what if Jesus has already chosen one who's on point, got his flesh under control and will care for you and honor your body as He intended? 

Don't block your blessing entangled in some ungodliness. How can you bear the chastisment of God? I know you have to be in constant torment. The grief stops when we stop and obey Him.


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## Irresistible (Feb 4, 2009)

Ms.Honey said:


> I'm out of town on my cell so bear with my typing,lol..
> 
> You have to stop romanticizing this relationship hon, it's ungodly and is continually destroying both of your lives. You need to go to the altar and repent. Stay away from him til your flesh is under control. No phone calls either, you're lusting and it leads to no good thing.
> You need a one on one with Jesus, telling Him you're sorry for sinning against Him(sincerely, no it was wrong but I'm glad we had sex stuff, that's not repenting) and that you want to be the holy woman, virtuous like He called you to be.
> ...


Girl that is so much what I have my heart set on to do

and wow your last sentence just drove it home

of course this is not easy, but the truth is the truth


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## michc (Feb 4, 2009)

I've only just come across this thread (I spend too much time in the Entertainment section ) but I will be praying for you sis.


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## justsimply (Feb 5, 2009)

I have recently gone through something a little similar. A friend and I crossed the line (and we knew it). We are both Christians and just stumbled. But we are not "playing church"; we are lovers of God. Still with my friend, I struggled with just how to deal with thoughts that were no where near holy. I believe (because this was the case with me) that if we are not strong enough to make the needed decision but we want to live right, if we pray continually, God will take the decision out of your hands. We just need to make the decision that God is our choice.

In the end, my friend made the decsion that we could no longer be friends. I respected the decision and was actually grateful for it. It showed me that he really loves God and it allowed me to get my mind right. It also helped me to see that God answers prayer. 

What will a man give in exchange for his soul? As Christians, we can't continue to "play" with sin, taking advantage of the fact that God will forgive. The Bible says if an eye causes you to sin pluck it out. It also states that just because God is a loving, forgiving God does not mean that we can abuse our freedom and continually sin. The only question you have to answer is do you truly want to walk with God. 

If you really want deliverance from the situation, pray, even if you are faltering, and God will answer.


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## Irresistible (Feb 5, 2009)

I love him so much!!!!


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## Irresistible (Feb 7, 2009)

Its friday night

I was ready to run back into his arms , I aint gonna lie

But ......I'm here

Still standing 

I dont know what happened, I was ready to go 

but my spirit said NOOOOOOO

Oh God this is like being on a roller coaster

God said he is holding him in high accountability right now, and I have to do the same

oh he said so many things, about what it really is when I am making love to him, its 'submitting' my spirit to him and he has to be worthy , he said so many things, I know this way aint easy,  but now that I am hearing from him on this and am not afraid to take a stand,  I know if I do anything else, its going to be harder then any of this could ever be


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## Irresistible (Feb 7, 2009)

welp this thread can be closed

he and I talked for hours this morning, he cried to me about everything, anything I felt I would have 'needed' to hear him say he said.  I am moving forward with him

I see the cycles I stood to be broken being broken with my own eyes,  long way to go, but in such a short time have come so far,  I am encouraged in this love again, in 'his' love again and even in my own, its all been strengthened and renewed,  the prayer from my soul has been and is being answered.   I am blessed! 

Thank you ladies for all your prayers :Rose: from the bottom of my heart!

God showed me more and more of this man's heart and so much about me in these last couple weeks, I'm still kinda blown away.  I can trust in his heart,  he has a great love within,  its the fear thats crippling him and did the same to me, but God is showing me how to communicate with him for his feelings and fears and how to get him to hear mine without fear/threat,  and its a blessing to see this come into fruition,  God gave us NEW communication , new understanding, new trust.......and the list is going to go on

From here I dont know what I will do as far as this stand,  but even that has to be between me and God now,  I know what I am standing for and havent lost sight of that,  no worries there,  he is my love though,  he is my God sent love,  I know this with all my heart , I knew it looong ago,  just failed in taking my responsibility and holding him to his so we spiraled , all out of fears, but we are back up again , hand in hand


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