# How do you forgive?



## ocean74 (Jul 27, 2008)

I have been holding a grudge against a relative for about 10 years and I just feel I need to forgive her. I've prayed about it but I just can't let it go and I really do feel it's holding me back in life...I speak to her but I just can't be around her for long bc I start having flashbacks and my entire attitude change for the worse...

 I don't like that feeling... Any advice will be appreciated.

Thanks in advance...


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## Dark&Lovley (Jul 28, 2008)

You have to pray to God and ask him to give you the strenghth to forgive. 

How could we ask God to forgive us of our sins and tresspasses if we can't even forgive our fellow man?

We have to be imitators of Jesus Christ, in the model prayer Jesus said, "forgive us our debts as we have also forgiven our debtors. For if you have forgiven men their tresspasses, your heavenly father will also forgive you, wheareas if you do not forgive men their tresspasses, neither will your father forgive your trespasses.

When you get a chance read also Mark 11:25


As imperfect humans, we have many faults. We can never pay back to God the huge debt we have accumulated because of transgressing against him. All we can do is seek his forgiveness. 

But there comes a point where we have to move on and forget the past. God forgives us, for we sin everyday, so what makes us better than God if we can't even forgive our own brothers or flesh in blood.

*"...I speak to her but I just can't be around her for long bc I start having flashbacks and my entire attitude change for the worse..."*


Ocean74 when u pray about something, you have to act in harmony with your prayers because if you don't, you allow time for the Devil to set in. And that grudge can turn into hate and Lord only knows what satan is capable of doing when he sets in. So in other words, you are making Satan happy not God because those are Satan the Devil qualities.

So you have to search and reach deep inside your heart and forgive.


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## laCriolla (Jul 29, 2008)

ocean74 said:


> I have been holding a grudge against a relative for about 10 years and I just feel I need to forgive her. I've prayed about it but I just can't let it go and I really do feel it's holding me back in life...I speak to her but I just can't be around her for long bc I start having flashbacks and my entire attitude change for the worse...
> 
> I don't like that feeling... Any advice will be appreciated.
> 
> Thanks in advance...



this is just my opinion, based on what helped me when I had to forgive someone. it was difficult. and it took a long time.

my advice is to keep praying about it every night.
Give thanks that it's in your heart to forgive right now and ask God to help you forgive her and to release the matter to Him.
keep doing it- every day until the pain is gone.

sometimes it takes years of praying. but that's where faith comes in. just have faith that when it is God's time he will release the feeling from your heart.

you mentioned that you've had this situation for about 10 years. so it may just take that much prayer. but the good thing is you've already decided it's time to forgive. So just keep on praying for God's help in doing that.

in the meantime, when you see her I suggest praying a quick prayer -
"Lord please fill me with the Love you have for (relative) "

remember God loves her, just as much as he loves you! remembering that when you see her may help.

start slow, you may not be able to be around her for long, but inch by inch as you're consistent and try i'm sure it will get better :0)

I hope this helps.


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## DreamLife (Jul 30, 2008)

I have been dealing with this issue for a while now, and believe me it was holding me back in life. I felt like my prayer were not being answered because of the unforgiveness in my heart that turned into bitterness and a cold and conniving spirit that came upon me. Here's the thread...

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=220073

Forgiving those who hurt my heart was one of the most liberating things that I have ever done in my life...and I think unforgiveness can be the one thing that can cripple the spirit the most. Well at least for me. 

*Matthew 6:14-16 (New International Version)*

14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

This scripture really hit me hard.
I will post more later when I get some sleep. I'm always trying to be profound when I'm all half sleep. lol...


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## DreamLife (Jul 30, 2008)

I have been dealing with this issue for a while now, and believe me it was holding me back in life. I felt like my prayers were not being answered because of the unforgiveness in my heart that turned into bitterness and a cold and conniving spirit that came upon me. Here's the thread...

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=220073

Forgiving those who hurt my heart was one of the most liberating things that I have ever done in my life...and I think unforgiveness can be the one thing that can cripple the spirit the most. Well at least for me. 

*Matthew 6:14-16 (New International Version)*

14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

This scripture really hit me hard.
I will post more later when I get some sleep. I'm always trying to be profound when I'm all half sleep. lol...


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## DreamLife (Jul 30, 2008)

I have been dealing with this issue for a while now, and believe me it was holding me back in life. I felt like my prayers were not being answered because of the unforgiveness in my heart that turned into bitterness and a cold and conniving spirit that came upon me. Here's the thread...

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=220073

Forgiving those who hurt my heart was one of the most liberating things that I have ever done in my life...and I think unforgiveness can be the one thing that can cripple the spirit the most. Well at least for me. 

*Matthew 6:14-16 (New International Version)*

14For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

This scripture really hit me hard.
I will post more later when I get some sleep. I'm always trying to be profound when I'm all half sleep. lol...


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## Ms.Honey (Jul 30, 2008)

I'd just keep saying I forgive her over and over as many times as necessary until it becomes true. I've had to do that with folks I didn't want to even think about let alone forgive and pray for but forced myself to forgive them.

Don't worry about forgiving them for them but for Christ's sake. For all the things He's forgiven you for, do this thing for Him.


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## Shimmie (Jul 30, 2008)

It starts with 'Desire' and a 'Willing Heart'.   It's a very hard call upon someone who has been deeply injured...deeply scarred; deeply betrayed.  Especially when they have to live with the unavoidable circumstances of being wronged.  Some hurts go deep...very deep; a broken heart, with a hurt so deep, which seems that it can never be healed.  

A woman whose husband has cheated; her husband's mistress gets pregnant.  An unavoidable circumstance. 

Someone who was injured in an accident and having to live with the injuries and the loss their quality of life.

The loss of money by theft or other means.  

So many factors in this life fall into the difficulty of forgiving.  And that's when the 'Desire' to forgive comes into necessity; A willing heart that chooses to let it go and move on.  

We all have this to encounter in life.  We all have something in our lives which asks of our forgiveness.   And it will always begin with a willing heart.   We can pray until Jesus comes, but our heart has to be willing to allow the prayers to be answered to forgive.


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## gn1g (Apr 6, 2009)

I think unforgiveness is a huge barrier, that keeps one from moving forward.  I have had to deal with this a few times and it's never easy but one thing that did work for me in the past was to sit down and *write a letter *to the person and in the end I sympathize with the person cause people only do what they know to do, and cause I believe that God takes everything that was meant for my bad and turns it around for my good. So actually whatever wrong people do to you propels you into your destiny.  

I forgive them so I can MOVE ON!  I got stuff to do while I am in the earth no time for bitterness, resentment or hatred.


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## inthepink (Apr 6, 2009)

This is a good topic but I have a question...

All we have to do with God is confess our sin, ask him for forgiveness and he forgives us.

I read something recently (from a Christian) that said that us "confessing" our sin is the first part of forgiveness.

And so..."all this talk" about forgiving people is not exactly "right" because those people have not confessed to us or asked us for forgiveness.  In other words, how can we forgive someone who has not admitted any wrongdoing or asked to be forgiven?

I think he has a good point.  Yet, not sure if something was missing.

Curious to know the viewpoints considering this topic.  If the OP is having a hard time forgiving someone - maybe it's b/c the "offender" has not admitted any wrongdoing and hasn't even asked for forgiveness.

See - I am confused.  Please help me and OP. 

ETA:  If the offender really didn't do anything wrong (in their eyes), then is "forgiveness" really the right term of what we need to do?  Is it maybe something else?  Letting it go?  Going back and trying to make right?  Reconcile?  Etc.

I hope you all "get" what I am trying to say.


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## inthepink (Apr 6, 2009)

gn1g said:


> I think unforgiveness is a huge barrier, that keeps one from moving forward.  I have had to deal with this a few times and it's never easy but one thing that did work for me in the past was to sit down and *write a letter *to the person and in the end I sympathize with the person cause people only do what they know to do, and cause I believe that God takes everything that was meant for my bad and turns it around for my good. So actually whatever wrong people do to you propels you into your destiny.
> 
> I forgive them so I can MOVE ON!  I got stuff to do while I am in the earth no time for bitterness, resentment or hatred.



Did you actually send the letter? Or did you just write it for your own benefit?  I am toying with this over something also.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 6, 2009)

The Art of Forgiveness....

Unforgiveness comes when we believe someone owes us something. They hurt or betray us so we feel we want to make them pay for our pain. One of the biggest keys to forgiving is releasing that person from owing you anything. Jesus died for our sins without us asking him to do so, He did it from the love in his heart. Alot of times in our forgiveness, we want an apology first or for them to 'act right' after we've forgiven them. It doesnt always happen that way of course. 

Another key is patience and time to disconnect the negative emotions with the memories. This can happen by shifting blame from they did this to me to what did I do to contribute to the problem. Upon any acceptance of responsibility, ask yourself what did God want me to learn? Be careful here...because in alot of people's learning they often become very cold and bitter towards the world. God always intends to strengthen us in character and faith through love. In time, as you remind yourself of why you had to go through what you went through (even if you do not completely understand God's methods and thoughts), the negative emotion will turn into rejoicing for revelation about yourself and his goodness. 

I hope this makes sense.


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## inthepink (Apr 6, 2009)

Good point prettyfaceANB - but, how do you even know if, in your situation, you "need" to forgive?  What tells you that is what is needed at this time?  Maybe you do instead need to focus on yourself - confessing your own sin, etc.

Another thing that kind of confuses me (I should just change my name to Confused Christian! lol) is telling someone "Oh, I forgive you."  To me - that is just insulting especially if that person doesn't believe they did anything wrong.  Another one is when someone tells you "I'll pray for you."  That's also insulting especially when that other person is telling you how horrible you are and end it with "I'll pray for you."

So, how does forgiveness fit in?  Have we just lumped everything into this "forgiveness" bucket even if that's not really what needs to be done?


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 6, 2009)

If you have any anger, resentment, holding a grudge, attitude toward someone for something they said or did (or didnt say or didnt do), you are in a position that you need to forgive. If you did something to someone that caused them to be upset with you, you need to ask them for forgiveness. 

All Christians need to understand that forgiveness if a requirement. Conciliation is not (other subject in itself). Forgiveness is always needed at anytime. You NEED to forgive others because God forgives you for all the hurt you cause from everytime you live your life in an unpleasing manner to Him. There are many parables where Jesus talks about the consequence of an unforgiving heart including hindered prayer, unanswered prayer, and God not forgiving you. Forgiveness is not for the other person, its for you. If you hold any stong negative emotions toward someone, its you who suffer not them. 

Ok...now...

True forgiveness starts with confession of sin. When as the Lord to forgive us for any sin we have commited against Him and/or against someone else. When we come to grips with our owe transgression, ask God if there is unforgiveness toward someone in your heart. The Holy Spirit is pretty darn good at recalling people. You duty is to ask God's forgiveness for harboring bitterness. Take steps to detach negative emotions to the memories. Look for the lesson and move on. 

Understand that there is a such thing as godly anger. God gets anger, Jesus got anger. Godly anger requires knowing the word/heart of God. 

Forgiveness and love is what Jesus is all about. Sins require forgiveness for love to prevail. All wrong doing requires forgiveness but that doesnt always remove consequences or justice. 




hairlove said:


> Good point prettyfaceANB - but, how do you even know if, in your situation, you "need" to forgive? What tells you that is what is needed at this time? Maybe you do instead need to focus on yourself - confessing your own sin, etc.
> 
> Another thing that kind of confuses me (I should just change my name to Confused Christian! lol) is telling someone "Oh, I forgive you." To me - that is just insulting especially if that person doesn't believe they did anything wrong. Another one is when someone tells you "I'll pray for you." That's also insulting especially when that other person is telling you how horrible you are and end it with "I'll pray for you."
> 
> So, how does forgiveness fit in? Have we just lumped everything into this "forgiveness" bucket even if that's not really what needs to be done?


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## inthepink (Apr 6, 2009)

I totally get what you are saying - I know forgiveness is a requirement.  But I'm still a little confused on how that works.

Yes, we go to God and ask for forgiveness for what we did wrong.  Then we have to think about if there is anyone we need to forgive.  Ok...got it.

So, then again, I say - well, what then if that person hasn't admitted any wrongdoing or asked us to forgive them.  We say to God - I forgive that person - whether or not they asked for it.

On the 1 hand - if that person has asked God for forgiveness for what they did to us (to God or anyone), then us telling God that we forgive them, makes it all clear.  God acted as a mediator. (?)

On the other thand - that person has not asked God for forgiveness for what they did to us.  We tell God we forgive them anyway.  So, does God then just save up that "forgiveness" in his file for when that person does eventually ask for forgiveness?

OR

Is it that yes, it's wrong to harbor resentment, anger, a grudge - so WE have a sin.  We must confess that sin of anger and ask for forgiveness.  We've done something wrong.  So then why would we then go to God and say "God, please forgive THAT person for what they did to me."

And then who's to say someone needs forgiving?  Maybe we thought that person did something wrong but in reality, they did not.  I know there are easy situations like someone hurts your family.  But what about situations/misunderstandings between friends or family?

I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this!


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## Ramya (Apr 6, 2009)

The bible says to stand pray and forgive. God forgiving us has nothing to do with our "worthiness" to be forgiven. It is not a long process for Him. We ask and He does with the condition that we forgive those who have trespassed against us. 

You forgiving the other person has nothing to do with that other person. It is about YOU. The other person may not know or care about what they've done to you and even if they did apologize they might not even mean it. So why look to the other person to forgive?

Unforgiveness breeds bitterness and unresolved anger which is a sin. This is why it is so important for us to forgive others.  Hebrews 12:14 Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: 15 looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God;* lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled*;

I make forgiveness an event. It is a choice not a feeling. If you wait to get that "I forgive so and so" feeling it will be long too late. The bible says "stand, pray and forgive" and that's what I do. I give myself 24 hours to forgive. I write it down or speak the persons name WHO, the thing they did or said WHAT and WHEN and I pray for THEM and verbally say "I forgive WHO, for WHAT and WHEN.

When I have thoughts that are contrary to what I said, I remind myself that I forgave that person and there will be no roots of bitterness or unresolved anger springing up in my life.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 6, 2009)

hairlove said:


> Another thing that kind of confuses me (I should just change my name to Confused Christian! lol) is telling someone "Oh, I forgive you." To me - that is just insulting especially if that person doesn't believe they did anything wrong. Another one is when someone tells you "I'll pray for you." That's also insulting especially when that other person is telling you how horrible you are and end it with "I'll pray for you."


 
Youre right, the method you mentioned above is condescending. This is the art of reconciliation. To forgive someone, you do not have to see or speak to them. Forgiveness is a heart condition. Talk to God about the forgiveness will due. If reconciliation is in order and the person does not believe they did anything wrong, first humble yourself and stop pointing blame. Accept their position and love them anyway. In time, they will either be moved to admit their wrong or never admit it. You're job is to let go and exercise Fruits of the Spirit.


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## Ramya (Apr 6, 2009)

Also forgiveness does not mean willingly placing yourself back in someone's life. You can forgive and go separate ways.


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## inthepink (Apr 6, 2009)

Ramya said:


> Also forgiveness does not mean willingly placing yourself back in someone's life. You can forgive and go separate ways.



You are so right about that!


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## foxxymami (Apr 6, 2009)

Lately, I've come to realize that I have a huge problem with totally forgiving someone erplexed

I always think I forgive them, but then I always have flashbacks to things they've said/done and I feel myself get angry/annoyed all over again.  That's not really forgiveness.  

So, I've been trying to really work on this


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## inthepink (Apr 6, 2009)

Ok, I'm still reading around and there does seem to be two schools of thought on this (both obviously backing themselves up with scripture).

1 - forgive unconditionally
2 - have a heart of forgiveness

Are these one in the same?

Something I read said this:
*I think the way to expand would be to say it is okay to have already forgiven them in your heart, and you should have, but I think it cheats them if you go to them and say “I forgive you.” Let them come to you and ask forgiveness and then let them know the joy of repentance as well.*

I also read this:
*Jesus' instruction in Mark 11:25.

      (MARK 11:25) "AND WHEN YE STAND PRAYING, FORGIVE, IF YE HAVE OUGHT AGAINST ANY: THAT YOUR FATHER ALSO WHICH IS IN HEAVEN MAY FORGIVE YOU YOUR TRESPASSES."

      1. In what sense are we to forgive according to this verse?

      2. Anyone who has already asked our forgiveness but we haven't granted it.

      3. God is calling on us to have a "willing to forgive" spirit toward those who haven't yet (and may never) asked our forgiveness.

      4. We should pray that God would bring about forgiveness in that person's life through proper means (similar in this respect to Jesus' prayer on the cross*

And what about this: (which makes sense to me)
*A. Be forgiving.

      1. It's possible for us to get so wrapped up in forgiveness being conditional that we miss the point.

      2. We must ask ourselves, are we a forgiving person?

            a. Do we promise (and carry out) not bringing the issue back up to the person's face...

            b. Would the folks around us say that we are a forgiving person? (or are we always dredging up the past?)

B. Have a forgiving spirit.

      1. Toward those who have not (and may never) ask our forgiveness.

            a. Can you think of a person who wronged you but hasn't asked your forgiveness because: - that person has passed away - you are no longer in contact with that person - you confronted the person but they refused to ask forgiveness?

            b. What kind of thoughts do we have toward that person? - are they forgiving thoughts or bitter thoughts? - we may need to ask God's forgiveness for our failure to have a forgiving spirit

C. Be asking forgiveness

      1. Since forgiveness is conditional, then we better be sure that we are meeting that condition.

      2. That means going to others in repentance.

D. Be seeking forgiveness

      1. In the sense of going to individuals who have wronged us.

      2. We must help others satisfy the condition. *

I am certainly not saying that we should not forgive - I am not sure if I know what I am saying - just trying to figure this out!  But is it really THAT simple?


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## inthepink (Apr 6, 2009)

foxxymami said:


> Lately, I've come to realize that I have a huge problem with totally forgiving someone erplexed
> 
> I always think I forgive them, but then I always have flashbacks to things they've said/done and I feel myself get angry/annoyed all over again.  That's not really forgiveness.
> 
> So, I've been trying to really work on this



I struggle with this also.  For me, what has helped somewhat is also forgiving myself.  I look at myself and say what did I do to contribute to the situation - whether it be that I said awful things myself or that I put up with that person saying awful things to me.  Hope that makes sense.

Sometimes we are so much disbelief by what someone did to us that we never stop to think how we "allowed" them to do that to us and we are also angry at ourselves.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 6, 2009)

Also answer of knowing the difference between when you just need to ask God forgiveness for something and knowing when someone has sinned against you requires knowing the word of God. This can not be stressed enough. If you dont know the word, then how do you know what God doesnt like? 

For instance, I thought a co-worker of mine was avoiding me because I sent him an email about something that I was going through. He didnt respond. I came across his friend one day and usually she's excited to see me but this time, she brushed me off I felt. I thought to myself, OMG thats just foul. I was hurt and they just treat me like this. Well, God put it on my heart to send him a gift worth $100 (not actual money). I sent it indepartmental mail and sent him an email a few days later to confirm he received. He wasnt upset at all and he actually wants to keep in contact. 

I was wrong for assuming he was turning his back on me. I laughed because Satan will use anything to make you think people dont care about you. I talked to God about it and its all good now.


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## topsyturvy86 (Apr 6, 2009)

hairlove said:


> I totally get what you are saying - I know forgiveness is a requirement. But I'm still a little confused on how that works.
> 
> Yes, we go to God and ask for forgiveness for what we did wrong. Then we have to think about if there is anyone we need to forgive. Ok...got it.
> 
> ...


 
To the bolded, yep!   Forgiveness is more about us than about the other person. We need to forgive as God forgave us, and let God be our avenger. We are commanded to forgive, and if we do not forgive, we sin. Not only that, we hold ourselves down, Gd wuld nt frgive us urs, and our prayers are hindered. 

A few scriptures about forgiveness below. Hope that clarifies things for you .

For if you forgive people their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment], your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6: 14

So also My heavenly Father will deal with every one of you if you do not freely forgive your brother from your heart his offenses. Matthew 18: 35

Be gentle and forbearing with one another and, if one has a difference (a grievance or complaint) against another, readily pardoning each other; even as the Lord has [freely] forgiven you, so must you also [forgive]. Colossians 3: 13

And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him and let it drop (leave it, let it go), in order that your Father Who is in heaven may also forgive you your [own] failings and shortcomings and let them drop. Mark 11:25


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 6, 2009)

This is a problem most people have. I have it now lol...then you dont believe you have forgiven. Thats not true. 

Forgiveness means you dont owe me anything. Patience and time consciously making an effort to change the channel of your mind when you begin to think about what you know will make you angry will begin the detachment of negative emotions to memories. 

*2Corinthians 10:4*
*Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God,* *and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;*

Letting your mind run free will bring you to sin. Just because we have a thought does not mean we have to meditate on it. We can not choose our thoughts, we can choose to meditate on them though. 

Talking about it to someone you trust, accepting responsibility if you need, and understanding your lessons will move you to a place of peace about the situation. Ramya is absoluately right forgiveness does not equate to reconciliation. 

We should want to reconcile with husbands, family members, close friends, and fellow Christians. Its not always possible. Forgiveness is a must. Reconciliation is situational. 



foxxymami said:


> Lately, I've come to realize that I have a huge problem with totally forgiving someone erplexed
> 
> I always think I forgive them, but then I always have flashbacks to things they've said/done and I feel myself get angry/annoyed all over again. That's not really forgiveness.
> 
> So, I've been trying to really work on this


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## inthepink (Apr 6, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> Also answer of knowing the difference between when you just need to ask God forgiveness for something and knowing when someone has sinned against you requires knowing the word of God. This can not be stressed enough. If you dont know the word, then how do you know what God doesnt like?




This is true.  I gave some thought to this and came back to respond.  In a situation I had, I couldn't let go - b/c I was still working out the pieces where I was wrong and the pieces where the other person was wrong - based on God's word.

I'm still not quite clear in my mind on the rest of this though...


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## inthepink (Apr 6, 2009)

topsyturvy86 said:


> To the bolded, yep!   Forgiveness is more about us than about the other person. We need to forgive as God forgave us, and let God be our avenger. We are commanded to forgive, and if we do not forgive, we sin. Not only that, we hold ourselves down, Gd wuld nt frgive us urs, and our prayers are hindered.
> 
> A few scriptures about forgiveness below. Hope that clarifies things for you .
> 
> ...



Those scriptures are helpful but at the same time, there are other people who lay out scriptures that describe it differently.  Such as I was saying before Unconditional Forgiveness vs. Forgiving Heart. (in my post a few up)


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## inthepink (Apr 6, 2009)

Here are a couple of items that stood out to me online:

When we say that forgiveness is a promise, that means it is a transaction between two people

Because God's forgiveness is conditional
(LUKE 24:47) "AND THAT REPENTANCE AND REMISSION OF SINS SHOULD BE PREACHED IN HIS NAME AMONG ALL NATIONS, BEGINNING AT JERUSALEM."

(ACTS 17:30) "AND THE TIMES OF THIS IGNORANCE GOD WINKED AT; BUT NOW COMMANDETH ALL MEN EVERY WHERE TO REPENT:"

Both passages say that men and women have to do something before being in right relationship with God - they have to repent.

The Bible teaches nothing about forgiveness without repentance. *(Is this true? I have not researched enough to know. So many subjects so little time!)*

If forgiveness could be given regardless of the response of the other person, why die on the cross?

The entire message of the Bible is that God made the provision for salvation, but that man had to repent and believe.  Apart from that, there is no forgiveness!

So, is it really that we are commanded toforgive or really to have a forgiving heart?


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 6, 2009)

As long as you have a willing heart to forgive, you're in a good place. 

Dont get consumed in figuring out all the details. This keeps us in a cycle of thinking about the things that make sure harbor angry in our hearts. God will over time, maybe even years to come, reveal lessons to you from a situation. Make a commitment to change the channel of your mind whenever you start dwelling on it. 

But this is something you have to want for yourself. I hate the angry I feel when I think about my ex and his betrayal to me. And I know when I get angry, my connection with God is temporary gone. My forgiveness and choosing to let go is for me to stay connected with God. When I am angry, I dont feel God (its weird). I still struggle because my ex is a lazy, cheating jack a$$  but I love him and I pray for his salvation because Jesus is Lord over all.



hairlove said:


> This is true. I gave some thought to this and came back to respond. In a situation I had, I couldn't let go - b/c I was still working out the pieces where I was wrong and the pieces where the other person was wrong - based on God's word.
> 
> I'm still not quite clear in my mind on the rest of this though...


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## inthepink (Apr 6, 2009)

Gotcha and this makes a lot of sense.  This is EXACTLY what I do when those old feelings come up.  You describe it as "changing the channel." I envision myself pushing a packed suitcase out the door where it belongs.  And it does work.

Caught up in the details - You're right.  I am.  I am very analytical and I  so I try to understand so that if asked to explain, I can! 

Also, in my analyticalness, I looked up the word forgive/forgiveness and it really means to just give up retribution, forget an old debt, etc.  I suppose I don't need another person for that.  So, I have been forgiving at times that I didn't even know.  Like that time someone borrowed money and never paid me back.  I decided to let the debt go and just never do it again.  I did not harbor resentment against the person.  

Maybe the other side of the coin is that IF someone does come to me to ASK forgiveness, who am I to say no after all God did for me?  

I'm learning and growing. 



prettyfaceANB said:


> As long as you have a willing heart to forgive, you're in a good place.
> 
> Dont get consumed in figuring out all the details. This keeps us in a cycle of thinking about the things that make sure harbor angry in our hearts. God will over time, maybe even years to come, reveal lessons to you from a situation. Make a commitment to change the channel of your mind whenever you start dwelling on it.
> 
> But this is something you have to want for yourself. I hate the angry I feel when I think about my ex and his betrayal to me. And I know when I get angry, my connection with God is temporary gone. My forgiveness and choosing to let go is for me to stay connected with God. When I am angry, I dont feel God (its weird). I still struggle because my ex is a lazy, cheating jack a$$  but I love him and I pray for his salvation because Jesus is Lord over all.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 6, 2009)

Amen! Thats the beauty of it. We break God's heart everyday and he's been so good to us. He didnt unleash his fury on us, blesses us daily and keeps us from harm, gave His only Son for us.... Who are we to not forgive others? 

Imagine you sacrificed your child to save the lives of the united states. Someone had to die and your son was the only candidate. So you did it and the US lives. Then those same people you save dont thank you, dont care about you, disrepect you, steal from you, kill each other, kill themselves, drink and smoke their brains away... You would be furious right? Angry because you sacrificed your child for them. Angry because you suffered separation from your child for them. And they repay you by continuing in their ways...Imagine how God feels every single day. 



And girl we are ALL learning but we learn because we love the Lord and we want to please him.



hairlove said:


> Gotcha and this makes a lot of sense. This is EXACTLY what I do when those old feelings come up. You describe it as "changing the channel." I envision myself pushing a packed suitcase out the door where it belongs. And it does work.
> 
> Caught up in the details - You're right. I am. I am very analytical and I so I try to understand so that if asked to explain, I can!
> 
> ...


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## topsyturvy86 (Apr 6, 2009)

hairlove said:


> Those scriptures are helpful but at the same time, there are other people who lay out scriptures that describe it differently. Such as I was saying before Unconditional Forgiveness vs. Forgiving Heart. (in my post a few up)


 
I think we all interprete scripture differently, however, I don't think the Word contradicts itself. I personally believe in forgiving without being asked for frgiveness. our perferct example Jesus Christ forgave His tormentors and even asked God to forgive them without them asking/even wanting forgiveness of Him (Luke 23: 32-37). Unforgiveness is a sin and as I said earlier, forgiveness/unforgiveness is more about us than the other persn. If you wait for the person to ask for frogiveness befroe forgiving, in the meantime, your prayers will be hindered and God will not forgive you your sins - very serious issue.

I also think having a forgiving heart is key and should go alongside unconditinal forgiveness rather that either/or. 

I've been learning about forgiveness lately, and am still learning. It's all easy to say but a bit hard when push comes to shove, especially when somene grieves your spirit and doesn't ask for forgiveness(i've been there). We just thank God for His grace and the Holy Spirit who helps us forgive in difficult situations.


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## blazingthru (Apr 6, 2009)

I have been there with this forgiveness stuff before, I been stabbed in the back by the same person twice. I work with this person. As of today I smile and laugh with her and even braid her hair up if she asked me.  she has never apologized or admitted any wrong doing. I had to confess my sins before God and I had to ask God to forgive me for whatever I did to lead us down in that direction and then I had to forgive her it was not easy I had to work on it. After a while the pain of the betrayal went away and I emerged my self in my relationship with the Lord then it was very easy for me to forgive and leave it alone.  I forgot the pain it caused me. not what happend but the pain it caused me now I am more mindful of what I say and do around her and others. I want to be loving towards everyone and Thank God she did what she did because it drew me closer to God.  There is a lesson in everything you just have to look for it, it was my opportunity to be forgiven and show that I really am a true Christian- I wasn't very good at first it took a short while.


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 6, 2009)

blazingthru said:


> I have been there with this forgiveness stuff before, I been stabbed in the back by the same person twice. I work with this person. As of today I smile and laugh with her and even braid her hair up if she asked me. she has never apologized or admitted any wrong doing. I had to confess my sins before God and I had to ask God to forgive me for whatever I did to lead us down in that direction and then I had to forgive her it was not easy I had to work on it. After a while the pain of the betrayal went away and I emerged my self in my relationship with the Lord then it was very easy for me to forgive and leave it alone. I forgot the pain it caused me. not what happend but the pain it caused me now I am more mindful of what I say and do around her and others. I want to be loving towards everyone and Thank God she did what she did because it drew me closer to God. There is a lesson in everything you just have to look for it, it was my opportunity to be forgiven and show that I really am a true Christian- I wasn't very good at first it took a short while.


 
Everything is for the good and for the glory of God. When you can point your pain to Jesus and grow in Him from your situations, you're pleasing God. The Answer for EVERYTHING in Life is Jesus!


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## inthepink (Apr 6, 2009)

Still thinking...

About someone I need to forgive. I realized that I have not forgiven this person b/c I still occasionally think about retribution but I know in my heart, I would never do anything purposely hurtful to someone.  I know that I could not handle hearing from this person (we no longer speak). I don't trust the person b/c the only thing she has said since our disagreement have been nasty things - to which I did not respond b/c I know results from the past - just more anger from her.  I do not argue. which sometimes translates into me not standing  up for myself.  I've apologized to her for what I've done.  And I've forgiven myself for what I've done but I do not want to EVER put myself in that situation again.

I do have a forgiving heart about it but I guess I am just not quite there yet.

How then do you forgive?  I don't want this person in my life ever. Can you still forgive while thinking that?  Do I just continue to ask God to take away these thoughts?  Which would then mean eventually I have "let it go" which is forgiveness?


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## BeautifulFlower (Apr 6, 2009)

hairlove said:


> How then do you forgive? I don't want this person in my life ever. Can you still forgive while thinking that? Do I just continue to ask God to take away these thoughts? Which would then mean eventually I have "let it go" which is forgiveness?


 
Think for a moment...

If someone sexually abuses you, God says to forgive which means they owe you nothing. Remember forgiveness is for you. However, would you want that person in your life? Would God want that person in your life? HECK NO! Forgiveness and reconciliation do not go hand and hand. Reconciliation is for the repentent. 

Letting go isnt easy but you got to do it one day. The easiest way I've found to let go is to take on the cares of God. I read the bible and books and pray alot. I spend as much time thinking about God. Attend church, ministry, and other fun group activities. I surround myself with as much godly people as possible. I am blessed to be at the church I am at. I pray for others, listen to sermons. I just submerge myself with the Word of God and its cleanse my mind and purifies my heart. 

And of course, I change mental channels wherever Satan wants to come and distract me.


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## inthepink (Apr 6, 2009)

Ok - that makes a lot of sense!  

I guess it is a process.   I'll keep working on it.



prettyfaceANB said:


> Think for a moment...
> 
> If someone sexually abuses you, God says to forgive which means they owe you nothing. Remember forgiveness is for you. However, would you want that person in your life? Would God want that person in your life? HECK NO! Forgiveness and reconciliation do not go hand and hand. Reconciliation is for the repentent.
> 
> ...


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## inthepink (Apr 6, 2009)

OP - Have you gotten your question answered out of all this??


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## topsyturvy86 (Apr 7, 2009)

hairlove said:


> Ok - that makes a lot of sense!
> 
> I guess it is a process.   I'll keep working on it.



Yep, I find it to be a process in such situations. In addition to prettyface's great advice, i'd say pray on it consistently, handing the situatin over to God and asking Him to help u forgive. Confess it also and forgive as many times as u have negative feelings about the person.


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## gn1g (Apr 7, 2009)

I did not send the letter, sending it was never my intention.  It was the best thing I ever did.  It was a long 2 page letter.  I got upset all over again but by the end of the letter I forgave the person and felt a huge release.  

I've grown from that situation and am going thru something similar, but I get more upset about the fact that a person I consider my enemy to be blessing blocker, oh naw.  Away with that madness.


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## topsyturvy86 (Apr 7, 2009)

*deleted* T  [FONT=&quot]o[/FONT]  [FONT=&quot]o much inf0rmati0n f0r a public part 0f the f0rum.
[/FONT]


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## TwistNMx (Apr 7, 2009)

ocean74 said:


> I have been holding a grudge against a relative for about 10 years and I just feel I need to forgive her. I've prayed about it but I just can't let it go and I really do feel it's holding me back in life...I speak to her but I just can't be around her for long bc I start having flashbacks and my entire attitude change for the worse...
> 
> I don't like that feeling... Any advice will be appreciated.
> 
> Thanks in advance...


 
Here's from a Spiritualist point of view.

This person in most cases disappointed ones "expectations" for the way you felt they should be.
Forgiving is not the same as agreeing that person is right or forgetting about it.
Forgiving is about letting go of whatever it is that is bothering you.  In the beginning and  end,   it's truly all about you.
Forgiving is about letting go so that you can move on without having that extra baggage "renting space in your head".  
It's about being in a space that makes you happy realizing that by forgiving others, you are truly liberated and free. 
This frees up your energies to be channeled in a positive direction.
This takes practice, but remember that you are truly giving _yourself_ a gift when forgiving others.

Let go and let God!

I hope this helps you. 


_Quote:  "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you" ~L.B. Smede_


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## BlkHoneyLuv2U (Apr 7, 2009)

I'm glad that you had to opportunity to forgive and let them know before it was too late. There is one person that I can only wish that I woulda said I forgive you but now its too late, he died on me....I miss him eventhough we did not get along at all, could hardly hold a decent conversation for 10 minutes, but I still miss talking to him even if only to argue with him......its better than not being able to talk to him at all.


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## inthepink (Apr 7, 2009)

TwistNMx said:


> Here's from a Spiritualist point of view.
> 
> This person in most cases disappointed ones "expectations" for the way you felt they should be.
> Forgiving is not the same as agreeing that person is right or forgetting about it.
> ...



I love this.  Letting go  is really all forgiveness is.  I  don't know why my mind keeps trying to make it something more!  It is not something I'm doing for the  other person...it is something I am doing for me. Got it!


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## TwistNMx (Apr 7, 2009)

hairlove said:


> I love this. Letting go is really all forgiveness is. I don't know why my mind keeps trying to make it something more! It is not something I'm doing for the other person...it is something I am doing for me. Got it!


 
Right.  I got it!  
What I'm saying is that you "are" doing it (forgiving) for "you to be free"
I've gone through the same thing recently with an individual and when you can think about them or something triggers a memory about them and you are no longer angry, upset, etc....you are free from the chains that bind you.
There's a part of you that continues to re-play it over and over again and it just builds up...yes, I understand that perfectly.
We have to just realize that by holding on to the circumstance(s) that it will not serve our higher good.  Do you understand this?  I say it with love.


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## Renewed1 (Apr 7, 2009)

It took me years to get to this point.  I just forgive the person and let it go.  I let it go mentally, spiritually and in my heart.  Yes, the thought of the wrong that was done to me, creeps back up, but I just tell myself.......let it go, you're only hurting yourself.


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## inthepink (Apr 7, 2009)

TwistNMx said:


> Right.  I got it!
> What I'm saying is that you "are" doing it (forgiving) for "you to be free"
> I've gone through the same thing recently with an individual and when you can think about them or something triggers a memory about them and you are no longer angry, upset, etc....you are free from the chains that bind you.
> There's a part of you that continues to re-play it over and over again and it just builds up...yes, I understand that perfectly.
> We have to just realize that by holding on to the circumstance(s) that it will not serve our higher good.  Do you understand this?  I say it with love.



Yep - I got it and am working on it.  When the thoughts come up, I say "anyways..." and focus on something else.  I am still not completely there b/c if my mind lets the thoughts wander, I start feeling that anger all over again.  I sure wish it were a switch.  I just need to keep praying on it.


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