# Lack of desire due to grief? (Crying as I type this- bear with me!)



## tgrowe (Jan 31, 2009)

It has taken me awhile to ask this since I am one who hates burdening and bothering people. Okay here goes.
I am a minister and have been since 1999, but I haven't spoken or taught in a couple of years.
I have been anointed to minister through dance before God and his people but haven't consistently done so since April last year.
I haven't been to church since May last year and don't care to go.
I don't read my Bible as often; I don't pray as much, and right now I don't have a desire for God or ministry.
I have emotionally eaten myself into a frenzy. I don't care how I look unless I'm around someone who does.
You see I am angry.
Why? Because I lost my father on May 23, 2008 unexpectedly and it really hurt me more than I could ever imagine. How could I be so stupid to think losing him wouldn't hurt. I am so sad many times as I cry myself to sleep at night or cry on my way to work or cry when I am my alone time. I don't think I have grieved enough. I do know that I have this "silent anger" towards God and I shouldn't. You see, it's hard for me to turn to God and receive him and behold him as my Father when what was and represented my father, he took,  without an answer, without a chance, without a goodbye. And it HURTS like hell. My drive is not there. I never thought I would be in this predicament, but it is what it is. I have lost two siblings over the years and it took a great toll on my family only for my father to be taken as well. I almost feel that it is not meant for me to have a happy perservering family. 
Maybe it's my lack of desire for God. Maybe it's my lack of drive. Maybe it's laziness. All I know is I don't know how to deal with this grief effectively anymore. But I hang in there for my DH and my three year old daughter. I am supposed to draw nigh to God but I have actually pushed myself so far away.
Has anyone experience lack of desire due to grief?


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## Ms.Honey (Jan 31, 2009)

I lost my father in 1997 and was very angry with Jesus about it for years. He is not going to force Himself upon you or force you to restore the relationship. You have to forgive Him and move on.

We are supposed to die. It is appointed to every man to die at least once. We are never going to be ready or prepared for a loved one to die. He does not need our permission or go ahead to call His children home. That discussion took place between Jesus and our dads before they went home and our dads are the only ones that Jesus needed to consult. I know that may seem harsh, it seemed so to me at first when Jesus said the same to me concerning my dad. He is omnipotent, He doesn't seek, need or request our permission or our counsel.

 The ONE person who can help you through your grieving process you have decided to reject. You are not only grieving the loss of your dad but you are also grieving the loss of your relationship with God. You lost two Fathers. One through the natural process of life and one through personal choice.

 The grieving will end when you decide to let go of your anger and forgive Jesus for what you feel that He has done to you personally and not what is in His power to do according to knowledge.


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## tgrowe (Jan 31, 2009)

Okay. I understand, respect, and appreciate your reply. Even though I am not as close to God as I was, I don't feel I have completely lost him. Maybe I have and I am in denial. I didn't mention this in my original post, but I believe the main issue is that my father's death awaken so many issues internally, issues that breeded anger because of grief. I loved my father but there was a period of time I didn't. He was not a nurturing person but he was a provider. So growing up I craved for my father's acceptance and approval but never got it. It crushed me as I felt he hated me at times. So grief is over the lack of closure, the unanswered questions, the need to tell my Dad that even though he wasn't perfect or didn't always do the right thing, I still appreciated him for all he DID do. And the guilt I feel over that is tough. It's the low self-esteem that I can't seemt to shake. It has affected my confidence in everything including my career. It's the depression that has plagues my life over and over again. It's the poverty I endured for which I hated my upbringing. So it's more than his death; it's the issues that I placed under the blood of Jesus but didn't leave them there. No I don't think I had it worse than anyone else. I am simply explaining me. 
I just don't know anymore. I know God is just and omnipotent, but I have allowed Satan to trick me into not reaching out to God for healing. I just need to experience God's love all over again.
Thanks for you reply.


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## Ms.Honey (Jan 31, 2009)

You know what your issues are and what you've allowed to fill your mind. What have you decided to do to fix them?


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## HeChangedMyName (Jan 31, 2009)

It seems that you know what you have to do already.  You know that your pushing God away isn't the right thing to do.  You HAVE to fall on your knees and forgive yourself for being human and getting mad when you lost someone.  It's natural to hurt and be mad at someone when you lose a parent. . .I've lost both of my parents and felt like God had left me as an adult orphaned in the world.  You know what you have to do.


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## tgrowe (Jan 31, 2009)

Well I definitely want to be closer again to God. I miss the communion, I miss flowing in Him, and contributing to ministry. My church misses me. I do read the Word but find myself easily distracted. I started a full time job (Ugghhhh and more Ugghh- something else I need to pray about since I soooo desire to be at home with my baby) after my father died and I allow tiredness to guide me. After I get off of my 10-hour work day, I am dog-tired and want nothing but the bed.
So it will take some work on my part, but I first need the desire and need to make up in my mind to do what I know I need to do. It is so hard. What do you suggest?


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## Nefertiti0906 (Jan 31, 2009)

Have you considered going to counseling? I'm sorry that you're going through this.


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## tgrowe (Jan 31, 2009)

SuperNova said:


> It seems that you know what you have to do already. You know that your pushing God away isn't the right thing to do. You HAVE to fall on your knees and forgive yourself for being human and getting mad when you lost someone. It's natural to hurt and be mad at someone when you lose a parent. . .I've lost both of my parents and felt like God had left me as an adult orphaned in the world. You know what you have to do.


 
Thank you. I do know and I believe this weekend I will make a step towards being restored. (Sighsss) Been tooo long.

ETA Were you ever angry over losing your parents? What steps did you take and how long did it take for you to get over the feeling of being "orphaned"?


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## tgrowe (Jan 31, 2009)

Nefertiti0906 said:


> Have you considered going to counseling? I'm sorry that you're going through this.


I have but never made the decision to do so. In the past His word was my counsel and it still is. Now this grief over the issue is great and it is tearing me apart internally. I don't think counseling will hurt but I just need to get myself together.


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## HeChangedMyName (Jan 31, 2009)

tgrowe said:


> Thank you. I do know and I believe this weekend I will make a step towards being restored. (Sighsss) Been tooo long.
> 
> ETA Were you ever angry over losing your parents? What steps did you take and how long did it take for you to get over the feeling of being "orphaned"?


With my mother I was soooo mad.  I grew up with her and I got loud with God.  I  mean, I screamed, cussed, and acted a pure fool, only to get it all out and find Jesus was there in my kitchen with outstretched arms and it was only then that I found relief.

Before my mother died, she made my father look out for me.  He was never in the house with me and we didn't really have any decent father daughter relationship, but when my mother died, he made the effort, he called more, he'd visit, pop up, even came to dinner.  I began to love him

When he died, it was sudden and I was in shock and looking at God like. . ."NO YOU DIDN'T"  I felt like he snatched a new gift back from me.  I didn't get as angry but I was just ultra sad.


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## tgrowe (Jan 31, 2009)

SuperNova said:


> With my mother I was soooo mad. I grew up with her and I got loud with God. I mean, I screamed, cussed, and acted a pure fool, only to get it all out and find Jesus was there in my kitchen with outstretched arms and it was only then that I found relief.
> 
> Before my mother died, she made my father look out for me. He was never in the house with me and we didn't really have any decent father daughter relationship, but when my mother died, he made the effort, he called more, he'd visit, pop up, even came to dinner. I began to love him
> 
> When he died, it was sudden and I was in shock and looking at God like. . ."NO YOU DIDN'T" I felt like he snatched a new gift back from me. I didn't get as angry but I was just ultra sad.


 
I thank God for godly counsel and you ladies speaking his Word. The words you and Ms. Honey are speaking is helping this brick wall start crumbling away. I need a fresh start in the Lord. I need to get back on the right path. I know he still cares. Depending on what situation I am in, I can still hear his Word coming up in my spirit. It's the grief and anger that I allow to throw me off course. My DH continues to go to church and he asks me every Sunday, "You going to church." And I reply "No, I think I'll stay back today" when I had plans to finally go all week long.
Gotta start somewhere.
Thank you.


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## Ms.Honey (Jan 31, 2009)

tgrowe said:


> Well I definitely want to be closer again to God. I miss the communion, I miss flowing in Him, and contributing to ministry. My church misses me. I do read the Word but find myself easily distracted. I started a full time job (Ugghhhh and more Ugghh- something else I need to pray about since I soooo desire to be at home with my baby) after my father died and I allow tiredness to guide me. After I get off of my 10-hour work day, I am dog-tired and want nothing but the bed.
> So it will take some work on my part, but I first need the desire and need to make up in my mind to do what I know I need to do. It is so hard. What do you suggest?


 
Do you pray in tongues? If so, pray until you feel emptied, nothing left to pray. Also tell God how you REALLY, HONESTLY,TRULY feel about Him WITHOUT guilt. He can handle it. You have to get it all off of your chest. Find scriptures on sorrow and see how the Lord revives us. Forgive Him sincerely in your heart and do now what you know now to do. 

When my dad died after all of my prayers, I felt that the Lord had lied to me and I had to get to the point where I could tell Him that. I began to become afraid of Him and wouldn't fellowship with Him anymore. I did "Christian stuff" but I was dying inside. I continued to go to church because I had my children watching me and others and I had to be a witness to the goodness of God which NEVER changed but I wanted to stay in bed and cry all day. Finall, I had to let the Lord minister to ME. I was so busy comforting others I didn't take the time to let Jesus comfort me. I felt guilty for Him having to do so but He showed my that my grieving was normal and not an insult to His faithfulness. Once I let Him minister to me, the pain began to diminish. With Jesus' help I was able to recover from a situation I thought was going to destroy me.


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## HeChangedMyName (Jan 31, 2009)

tgrowe said:


> I thank God for godly counsel and you ladies speaking his Word. The words you and Ms. Honey are speaking is helping this brick wall start crumbling away. I need a fresh start in the Lord. I need to get back on the right path. I know he still cares. Depending on what situation I am in, I can still hear his Word coming up in my spirit. It's the grief and anger that I allow to throw me off course. My DH continues to go to church and he asks me every Sunday, "You going to church." And I reply "No, I think I'll stay back today" when I had plans to finally go all week long.
> Gotta start somewhere.
> Thank you.



Thank God for your husband staying in church and close to God.  I'm sure he is praying for you.  I will pray for you as well,  you are a sister in Christ, you are  just down on yourself.  You are still in the family and we love you and want you to come home and rest in God's arms.  It's a beautiful place to be as I'm sure you know.


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## Nefertiti0906 (Jan 31, 2009)

tgrowe said:


> I have but never made the decision to do so. In the past His word was my counsel and it still is. Now this grief over the issue is great and it is tearing me apart internally. I don't think counseling will hurt but I just need to get myself together.



His word can still be your guide in addition to counseling, and the counseling will help you get yourself together.  I know this is not a popular view in most Christian circles, especially when we think of scriptures where it's mentioned that He wouldn't give us more than we can bear, etc...

It can be Christian counseling via a pastor, a professional counselor, etc... 

Some battles are not ours alone to fight, I believe that God puts people in our lives to help us.  It reminds me of this story:
[FONT=Verdana, Arial]
"A devout Christian heard an urgent news report on his radio that a flash flood was within minutes of entering the peaceful valley where he lived. Immediately he went to his knees and prayed for safety. The words were still on his lips when he became aware that water was gushing under his door. He retreated to the second floor and finally onto the roof of his house.

While he sat on the roof, a helicopter flew by and the pilot asked over the loudspeaker if they could lift him off. "It's not necessary since I have the Lord's protection," he replied.

Moments later the house began to break up and he found himself clinging to a tree. A police boat, braving the waters, approached him for rescue, but he assured them that the Lord would save him. Finally, the tree gave way and the man went to his death.

Standing before the Lord, he asked, "Lord, I'm glad to be here, but why didn't You answer my prayer for safety?"
The Lord responded, "Son, I told you over the radio to get out of there Then I sent you a helicopter and a motor boat!"

Nowhere in the Bible are we given the idea that God works only in the extraordinary. Much of the time He supernaturally works through His created order. Many people think God is present only when there is a miracle and that He leads only through signs and wonders.

There are people who always look for a sign. They walk by sight, not by faith. To them, God is only present in the miraculous. God was "really" at the church service if something unusual happened. Many desire and look for "visitations" from God.

But how does that square with God's omnipresence and the fact that He will never leave us or forsake us? Isn't God at every church service? Since God created the fixed order of the universe, would you expect Him to work primarily within that fixed order or outside of it? If God gave us a watch, would we be honoring Him more by asking Him what time it is or by simply consulting the watch?

Lord, forgive me for looking for signs when I only need to trust Your Word and live by Your promises.[/FONT]"

Source:http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/001570.html


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## tgrowe (Jan 31, 2009)

Ms.Honey said:


> Do you pray in tongues? If so, pray until you feel emptied, nothing left to pray. Also tell God how you REALLY, HONESTLY,TRULY feel about Him WITHOUT guilt. He can handle it. You have to get it all off of your chest. Find scriptures on sorrow and see how the Lord revives us. Forgive Him sincerely in your heart and do now what you know now to do.
> 
> When my dad died after all of my prayers, I felt that the Lord had lied to me and I had to get to the point where I could tell Him that. I began to become afraid of Him and wouldn't fellowship with Him anymore. I did "Christian stuff" but I was dying inside. I continued to go to church because I had my children watching me and others and I had to be a witness to the goodness of God which NEVER changed but I wanted to stay in bed and cry all day. Finall, I had to let the Lord minister to ME. I was so busy comforting others I didn't take the time to let Jesus comfort me. *I felt guilty for Him having to do so but He showed my that my grieving was normal and not an insult to His faithfulness.* Once I let Him minister to me, the pain began to diminish. With Jesus' help I was able to recover from a situation I thought was going to destroy me.


 
I do speak in tongues and believe and have experienced the edification of the spirit and faith from them.
This truly God speaking through you. I am so glad you chimed in and gave the unadulterated truth. I read your posts often and you speak boldly and with God's word, the truth. I felt guilty for grieving and that I shouldn't grieve because precious to the Lord is the death of his saints. We were told at my father's funeral that days before he died, he stated that if he "died tomorrow, he was happy." Happy because he knew Jesus and he had his  business fixed. 

Ms. Honey, I feel better. I know it will take some time to cast down the imaginations and high things of anger and resentment. 
Why do you think a person keeps battling with past issues like low self-esteem and no confidence? These are two areas that have led to depression in my life and I just can't seem to shake.


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## Ms.Honey (Jan 31, 2009)

tgrowe said:


> I do speak in tongues and believe and have experienced the edification of the spirit and faith from them.
> This truly God speaking through you. I am so glad you chimed in and gave the unadulterated truth. I read your posts often and you speak boldly and with God's word, the truth. I felt guilty for grieving and that I shouldn't grieve because precious to the Lord is the death of his saints. We were told at my father's funeral that days before he died, he stated that if he "died tomorrow, he was happy." Happy because he knew Jesus and he had his business fixed.
> 
> Ms. Honey, I feel better. I know it will take some time to cast down the imaginations and high things of anger and resentment.
> Why do you think a person keeps battling with past issues like low self-esteem and no confidence? These are two areas that have led to depression in my life and I just can't seem to shake.


 
We hold on to them because we have grown accustomed to them, comforted by our misery. Sometimes we feel if we stay where we are then it's better than if we are free from them and end up having to come back here again. 
We hate change but God is always pushing us forward, pushing us towards the mark. He NEVER lets us sit long enough to catch our breaths Which is a good thing. We're pushing a boulder(our flesh) up a hill. If we let go of it and stop pushing it, it will roll over us and crush us(ex. low self esteem, ungodliness etc.).


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## tgrowe (Jan 31, 2009)

I'm crying right now but they are tears of release and relief. I preoccupied myself after he died so I wouldn't break down due to dwelling on his demise. It awakened so much pain in me the more I thought about it. I just pushed it away and stepped away from the Lord thinking it was normal do that and that God would get the picture that I was mad. All the while, I'm hurting and just plain sad inside. It's so funny that the one person you run from is the one you end up running to.


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## tgrowe (Jan 31, 2009)

Ms.Honey said:


> We hold on to them because we have grown accustomed to them, comforted by our misery. Sometimes we feel if we stay where we are then it's better than if we are free from them and end up having to come back here again.
> We hate change but God is always pushing us forward, pushing us towards the mark. He NEVER lets us sit long enough to catch our breaths Which is a good thing. We're pushing a boulder(our flesh) up a hill. If we let go of it and stop pushing it, it will roll over us and crush us(ex. low self esteem, ungodliness etc.).


But I have found it is soooo much easier said than done. And casting down those imaginations and high things that exalts itself against the knowledge of Christ is a battle. Being transformed by the renewing of your mind is a work that has to be maintained daily. And I won't lie, I fall short of it at times, especially during this time in my life. But I thank you for your encouragement and reminders of God's word, which giveth life even to what was dead (my relationship with HIM!) Whew!


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## HeChangedMyName (Jan 31, 2009)

tgrowe said:


> I do speak in tongues and believe and have experienced the edification of the spirit and faith from them.
> This truly God speaking through you. I am so glad you chimed in and gave the unadulterated truth. I read your posts often and you speak boldly and with God's word, the truth. I felt guilty for grieving and that I shouldn't grieve because precious to the Lord is the death of his saints. We were told at my father's funeral that days before he died, he stated that if he "died tomorrow, he was happy." Happy because he knew Jesus and he had his  business fixed.
> 
> Ms. Honey, I feel better. I know it will take some time to cast down the imaginations and high things of anger and resentment.
> *Why do you think a person keeps battling with past issues like low self-esteem and no confidence? These are two areas that have led to depression in my life and I just can't seem to shake.*




I know you didn't ask me, but I am learning that when it comes to God, sometimes we have to just stop asking why this and why that.  Sometimes we have to rest in the knowledge that God has it all planned out.  Jeremiah 29:11 says  For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


He knows, whether we know or not, we have to learn to trust that he has our best interest in mind, regardless of what the present, natural, circumstance is or what the past held.


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## tgrowe (Jan 31, 2009)

SuperNova said:


> I know you didn't ask me, but I am learning that when it comes to God, sometimes we have to just stop asking why this and why that. Sometimes we have to rest in the knowledge that God has it all planned out. Jeremiah 29:11 says For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
> 
> 
> He knows, whether we know or not, we have to learn to trust that he has our best interest in mind, regardless of what the present, natural, circumstance is or what the past held.


So true. And we have to remember as well as speak this. So true.


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## GV-NA-GI-TLV-GE-I (Jan 31, 2009)

tgrowe said:


> It has taken me awhile to ask this since I am one who hates burdening and bothering people. Okay here goes.
> I am a minister and have been since 1999, but I haven't spoken or taught in a couple of years.
> I have been anointed to minister through dance before God and his people but haven't consistently done so since April last year.
> I haven't been to church since May last year and don't care to go.
> ...


 
I spoke with a spiritual person today and he told me I needed counseling.  I lost my father 2.5 years ago, and eleven months before, my mother.  I still cry.  I lost my marriage, lost partly my health, lost my job, my brother is acting a fool.  We lost our finances...I lost everything but I still had my little ones.  Only G-d was there.  

I told the spiritual person today that I am so mad at G-d.  The car my dad gave me, a beautiful Chevy Suburban with few miles needs over 3,000 bucks for a gear in the back.  I'm just broken and I need work now.  Seek counseling.  I've been carrying this stupid burden for too long and now compiled with more recent events, I'm dying.  Get help before it reels out of control.  You are not alone.  It's not burdening me, at least.  I was trying to be the strong one and I'm not strong.


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## Nice & Wavy (Jan 31, 2009)

tgrowe said:


> So true. And we have to remember as well as speak this. So true.


 
As a minister myself who has lost both parents, mom recently...I would like to speak with you via pm, if that's ok with you.

Let me know.

Blessings.


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## tgrowe (Jan 31, 2009)

Nice & Wavy said:


> As a minister myself who has lost both parents, mom recently...I would like to speak with you via pm, if that's ok with you.
> 
> Let me know.
> 
> Blessings.


 Hey I just pm'ed you. Thanks! Who would have thought a "hair forum" would bring so much encouragement!


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## Nice & Wavy (Jan 31, 2009)

tgrowe said:


> Hey I just pm'ed you. Thanks! Who would have thought a "hair forum" would bring so much encouragement!


 
You are welcome, sis.

ITA!  Isn't God good?  Even in the little things, he brings help to us...I just love Him so much!


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## **Tasha*Love** (Jan 31, 2009)

TGrowe I have been lurking around for the past couple of weeks and haven't felt much like posting until I read your thread.  You truly brought tears to my eyes because I have been there as well. I lost my mom in 2004.  Her death was somewhat sudden but as an only child the pain was unbearable. I was so numb and I couldn't shake the fact that God took MY mother away from me? I mean I saw it happen to others but why me?  A year after her death, Sept 13, 2005 I sat in the mirror and began to cry profusely. I could not understand what did I do to experience so much pain and sadness. My whole world had turned upside down and I felt so abandoned.  I know you have heard the old gospel song "Motherless Child"? 

|: Sometimes I feel
Like a motherless child
Sometimes I feel
Like a motherless child :|

|: Sometimes I wish I could fly,
Like a bird up in the sky :|
Sometimes I wish I could fly,
Like a bird in the sky
Little closer to home

|: Motherless children
Have a real hard time :|
Motherless children
Have a such a real hard time
So long so long so long

|: Sometimes I feel
Like a motherless child :|
Sometimes I feel
Like a motherless child
So far away

|: Sometimes I feel
Like freedom is near :|
Sometimes I feel
Like freedom is near
But we're so far away

|: Sometimes I feel
Like it's close at hand :|
Sometimes I feel
Like the freedom is near
But we're so far from home

|: Sometimes, sometimes, |
Sometimes
|: So far, so far, so far, :|
So far Mama from you, so far

The words to the song express how heavy my heart was!! I still get those feelings but as I looked in the mirror on 9/13/05 a scripture came to mind - 
*For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39]*

I realized that I had let my mothers death separate me from the love of God, how could I let that happen!! I need God to get over my hurt and pain. I needed Him more than ever but I was pushing him away due to death.  As sure as we are born we are going to die.  
My mother wasn't meant to live forever.  I love my mother but she belonged to God, she was His child and He knew what was best for her.  I miss hurt but now I have a better grip on life and understanding of death.  TGrowe u miss God and He misses you too! You are the apple of his eye and He desires your heart again.  Don't let death separate you from the love of God.  Renew your spirit in Christ and move forward knowing that everything that He does is for our good.  

You are in my prayers and close to my heart.


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## Ms.Honey (Jan 31, 2009)

tgrowe said:


> But I have found it is soooo much easier said than done. And casting down those imaginations and high things that exalts itself against the knowledge of Christ is a battle. Being transformed by the renewing of your mind is a work that has to be maintained daily. And I won't lie, I fall short of it at times, especially during this time in my life. But I thank you for your encouragement and reminders of God's word, which giveth life even to what was dead (my relationship with HIM!) Whew!


 
We are MORE than conquerors!! Our spirits are strengthened day by day but it's strengthened by our fellowship with Him. Our minds are renewed by the reading,hearing and acceptance of His word and the doing of it. It may take many baby steps but don't let your flesh rob you of the peace Jesus promised you. If you fail today get up and start over right then. Imagine a child learning to walk. He falls many times before he can stand and trips many times before he can walk. But once he walks he rarely falls, he may stumble but he catches himself before he falls. If by chance he doesn't stay alert to where he's walking and falls, he doesn't stay down and cry. He may be hurt but he gets right back up and goes to the one who can heal his wounds and help him feel better. It's like that in our Christian walk. As long as we get back up instead of sitting there crying and go to Jesus who can heal our wounds, even the self inflicted ones we can start over again and Jesus will make us feel better.


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## Nice & Wavy (Jan 31, 2009)

**Tasha*Love** said:


> TGrowe I have been lurking around for the past couple of weeks and haven't felt much like posting until I read your thread. You truly brought tears to my eyes because I have been there as well. I lost my mom in 2004. Her death was somewhat sudden but as an only child the pain was unbearable. I was so numb and I couldn't shake the fact that God took MY mother away from me? I mean I saw it happen to others but why me? A year after her death, Sept 13, 2005 I sat in the mirror and began to cry profusely. I could not understand what did I do to experience so much pain and sadness. My whole world had turned upside down and I felt so abandoned. I know you have heard the old gospel song "Motherless Child"?
> 
> |: Sometimes I feel
> Like a motherless child
> ...


 
This is one of the best posts of encouragement that I have ever read on my history of LHCF.

Thank you.  You have encouraged me tonight


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## **Tasha*Love** (Feb 1, 2009)

Thank you Nice and Wavy and its so good to see you back on the board. I hope that you know that you are loved on LHCF????  You have been an encouragement to me on so many occasions and I count it a blessing to be able to return the favor to you. 


Nice & Wavy said:


> This is one of the best posts of encouragement that I have ever read on my history of LHCF.
> 
> Thank you.  You have encouraged me tonight


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## Nice & Wavy (Feb 1, 2009)

**Tasha*Love** said:


> TGrowe I have been lurking around for the past couple of weeks and haven't felt much like posting until I read your thread. You truly brought tears to my eyes because I have been there as well. I lost my mom in 2004. Her death was somewhat sudden but as an only child the pain was unbearable. I was so numb and I couldn't shake the fact that God took MY mother away from me? I mean I saw it happen to others but why me? A year after her death, Sept 13, 2005 I sat in the mirror and began to cry profusely. I could not understand what did I do to experience so much pain and sadness. My whole world had turned upside down and I felt so abandoned. I know you have heard the old gospel song "Motherless Child"?
> 
> |: Sometimes I feel
> Like a motherless child
> ...


 


**Tasha*Love** said:


> Thank you Nice and Wavy and its so good to see you back on the board. I hope that you know that you are loved on LHCF????  You have been an encouragement to me on so many occasions and I count it a blessing to be able to return the favor to you.


 
Wow...you surely have blessed me this morning, TL...you really have.  Thank you soooooooooooo much!:blowkiss:


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## tgrowe (Feb 1, 2009)

I want to say thank you to every lady who took the time to post encouraging words in this thread. I clearly felt the war between good and evil (warfare) yesterday as I knew what and who could bring me out but felt I couldn't profess it. The words you ladies posted were anointed because we all know it is the anointing that will break the yoke. Last night through my tears I asked God to help me and I also asked the Holy Spirit to intercede for me. My, how much better did I feel! It was such a release in the Lord. I had so much bottled inside me; the grief and anger were about to make me crazy. I appreciate your concern and comments and I appreciate more than anything the truth according to God's word.
I went to my church today for the first time in months. I didn't release or go to the altar ( I feel I could have) but it was a start just with me being there. I still have ways to go but keep me in your prayers as I get back on track and walk this Christian walk of faith. 
Thank you!


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## Ms.Honey (Feb 1, 2009)

Congratulations honey!!!!!!!
The Lord is always found when He is sincerely sought and you had a desire to hear from Him and you did. He always answers our questions when we ask. Continue to be strengthened in Jesus and let us know if you need anything else. Iron sharpens iron.


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## HeChangedMyName (Feb 1, 2009)

tgrowe said:


> I want to say thank you to every lady who took the time to post encouraging words in this thread. I clearly felt the war between good and evil (warfare) yesterday as I knew what and who could bring me out but felt I couldn't profess it. The words you ladies posted were anointed because we all know it is the anointing that will break the yoke. Last night through my tears I asked God to help me and I also asked the Holy Spirit to intercede for me. My, how much better did I feel! It was such a release in the Lord. I had so much bottled inside me; the grief and anger were about to make me crazy. I appreciate your concern and comments and I appreciate more than anything the truth according to God's word.
> I went to my church today for the first time in months. I didn't release or go to the altar ( I feel I could have) but it was a start just with me being there. I still have ways to go but keep me in your prayers as I get back on track and walk this Christian walk of faith.
> Thank you!



God works in mysterious ways.  He can find the ones who need you and whom you need and just. . .pull it together

It is such a blessing to know that even when we "think" we have had enough of God, he is kind and gentle enough to always be there when we are ready to give in and let him help us.


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## MissLawyerLady (Feb 1, 2009)

Tgrowe, I have been exactly where you are.  Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

My mother died from cancer 12 years ago when I was 26 years old.  I was an only child, extremely close to both of my parents, unmarried, no kids and completely devastated.  For all of my life, my mom and dad were saved and filled with the Holy Ghost.  My dad had been Sunday school superintendent and head deacon since I was an infant and my mom worked actively in the women’s department.  My mom’s mother, father, and both brothers were ordained ministers, pastors and a lot of folks in my dad’s family were ministers too.  When my mom died, I couldn’t rationalize how God could devastate a family that had been so devoted to Him- why he would hurt me and my dad and my mom’s parents on purpose.  It would be about a year later that I really internalized what Job proclaimed, “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord.”

I was so angry at God and angry at everyone else- friends and family.  I stopped going to church; I tried to drown my sorrow in alcohol and men (I ended up married to a man that wasn’t right for me, because I was looking for anything to soothe my pain and I can honestly say that I wouldn’t have married this man if my mom had been alive).  Of course none of this helped, but I was so angry and I figured what does it matter if I try to be upright before the Lord, if all he’s going to do is punish me and break my heart?  I saw my mother’s death as God punishing me.  It would be a while before I submitted myself to the fact that God is sovereign and although he gives us free will to choose so many things- he alone is sovereign over life and death.  My dad told me a few days after my mom died, the popular scripture “all things work together for the good of them that love the Lord and are called according to his purpose.”  Well, of course I got angry and asked him how my mom’s death could possibly “work for my good”.  It wouldn’t be until 2008 that this was revealed to me.  I’ll get to that later...

Anyway, about two years after my mom died, I learned that a friend of mine had lost her mother to cancer/stroke.  This friend didn’t have a relationship with her father, so all she really had was her mom and when I thought of this, I instantly felt so much regret about my “anger”.  God had blessed me with a wonderful, saved father that I still had with me.  Something about this realization (which was in front of me the whole time) made me think of Job’s proclamation that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, but regardless of what he does his name is to be blessed simply because he is God- the creator of all things.  I started to praise God for the father I had and for the great mother God had given me.

Flash forward to Sept. 2008, my husband asked me for a divorce.  I didn’t love my husband the way a woman should anymore (I was faithful though).  There were so many issues/problems with our marriage…we struggled with fertility issues, trust issues, truth issues, being unevenly yoked, etc.  But divorce is a hard process and ugly things happen.  Well, one day I was just minding my own business and the Lord tapped me on the shoulder and spoke to me.  He asked me if I remembered back when my mom died and my dad told me that all things work together for the good of them that love the Lord and how I couldn’t begin to understand how that could be?  Well the Lord told me, that “all things working together for my good” in that situation had nothing to do with my mother’s physical death but it had to do with how he proved himself to me during that time.  He told me that it was Him who didn’t allow me to be given over to alcoholism during my heavy drinking while trying to drown my sorrows.  He told me that it was Him who had protected me from getting an STD when I was trying to find comfort in different men.  He told me that it was him who didn’t allow me to be turned over to a reprobate spirit/mind when I was so far outside of his will.  He told me that I had experienced first hand his grace, mercy, faithfulness and ability to sustain me during my darkest period and that because of that I should already know that he’s able to sustain me through the divorce process.  The realization, during my divorce process, that God had carried me and upheld me during my mother’s death was the “all things work together for the good.”  It took nearly 12 years for this all to make sense to me.

I’m sorry this is so long, but I’ve been were you are- trust issues with God- and I’m sort of back at that point now finding myself single, with no kids, at 38, and after nearly 10 ten years of marriage.  The one thing I can tell you from experience is that it’s best to run TO God and not away from Him.  I know that it’s hard to trust sometimes when you are so hurt and have no idea what the future holds.  But I’m sure that you can look back over the things that have happened in your life and see where God’s right hand upheld you.  Those moments are the assurance that God loves you and will surely help you.  Remember that Paul asked the Lord 3 times to heal him and God didn’t heal him but told him that His grace was sufficient to sustain Paul through his affliction.  Well, God didn’t heal my mother either, despite prayers and faith for healing, but he did give her grace that sustained her and my father, and even me (I just didn't know it), during that difficult time.

Run to the Lord!  Ask Him for understanding, ask Him for help, ask Him for forgiveness, ask Him for faith, and ask Him to heal your hurt.  And know that you’re not the only one running to Him; I’m right next to you! Love ya!


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## tgrowe (Feb 1, 2009)

Wow JD2'd. Thanks for that powerful testimony. We are overcomers throught he blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. I can say that today is the start of a new day. I have so much more peace than I had after my father's death. It's hard but I'm learning. It's difficult but I'm going through. I felt so angry because the sadness was greater than what I expected. I appreciate your encouraging words and agree with your statement concerning Job. Thanks lady!


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## MissLawyerLady (Feb 2, 2009)

tgrowe said:


> We are overcomers throught he blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony.


 
Christ covered the blood of the Lamb part, but I'll be waiting on the word of your testimony.  So when you come out of this wilderness period, please be sure to PM with that testimony.  (You can PM me any other time too).


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## Irresistible (Feb 2, 2009)

I'm just so thankful that he understands our human experience , and process and pain

we can run as far as we want to and everybody can turn away,  somehow no matter how far we ran, how we tried to escape, drown him , our anger and pain and depression out, or for how long

he just loves on us until our return

People can only do that for so long

This thread is full of beautiful testimonies,  funny how every Christian, cant really say they went through the fire,  until they can say they  did get angry and run from the only God they knew at one point or another,  its a blessing that so many can admit it so freely and openly and testify that he loves us through it


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## loved (Feb 2, 2009)

Thank you OP for posting. It wasn't my parents, but I lost an uncle who was a pastor (& my surrogate father) & my GM within the past year or so & I think I've experienced some of what you're going through.  My GM provided me comfort & cared for me when I was grieving the loss of my uncle and a few months later she was gone. I know that there was so much prayer for both of them & that they loved the Lord. One relative who knows the Lord told me that my GM was ready to go & that messed me up more for a while.  In the meantime, other things suffered like relationships & my physical health & my spiritual life.

I heard in my spirit this morning as I was getting ready for work that my spirit man was hungry and that I had been working so hard on other things but that it was time to find a way to feed my spirit and probably time to heal. 

i pray that you find peace in your own journey.


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## Mahalialee4 (Feb 5, 2009)

tgrowe said:


> Okay. I understand, respect, and appreciate your reply. Even though I am not as close to God as I was, I don't feel I have completely lost him. Maybe I have and I am in denial. I didn't mention this in my original post, but I believe the main issue is that my father's death awaken so many issues internally, issues that breeded anger because of grief. I loved my father but there was a period of time I didn't. He was not a nurturing person but he was a provider. So growing up I craved for my father's acceptance and approval but never got it. It crushed me as I felt he hated me at times. So grief is over the lack of closure, the unanswered questions, the need to tell my Dad that even though he wasn't perfect or didn't always do the right thing, I still appreciated him for all he DID do. And the guilt I feel over that is tough. It's the low self-esteem that I can't seemt to shake. It has affected my confidence in everything including my career. It's the depression that has plagues my life over and over again. It's the poverty I endured for which I hated my upbringing. So it's more than his death; it's the issues that I placed under the blood of Jesus but didn't leave them there. No I don't think I had it worse than anyone else. I am simply explaining me.
> I just don't know anymore. I know God is just and omnipotent, but I have allowed Satan to trick me into not reaching out to God for healing. I just need to experience God's love all over again.
> Thanks for you reply.



My Dear, you are in a lot of pain. Grief hurts. Loss hurts. I can really relate to what you are saying. I believe that never having received something...relationship...that you needed so much and now the opportunity is passed...feeling guilty for hurting ...for feeling rejected....it sounds like there has been a lot of death in your life, not just literally but as in loss and dreams and hopes being unfulfilled, many through no fault of your own...being left...emotionally and other death dealing emotions. 

Sometimes we just end up numb for a while, like shock....that generally happens after loss and death...May God uphold you and may you be carried during this time when you can barely make the walk let alone dance.

Perhaps God wants you to just come to him like a child, forget all the frillies...and tell him all about everything and how disappointed and desolate you feel and ask him to take care of you because you are truly a fatherless child and that is how you feel.  God has a special place in his heart...The Word says that "he hears the cries of the fatherless..." and hold on to God's unchanging hand.  So sorry for your pain. I feel like crying with you.


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