# Celibacy rules and dating



## MizzCoco (May 5, 2009)

Hey Ladies! How long do you wait to approach the topic of celibacy with a new guy? I'm about to end my dating fast, and I want to weed out the jokers right away!!:angeldeviWhen I meet a guy at church, its a little easier to approach the subject, but what about the ones who approach you outside of church?  I have to be upfront that I'm not looking for casual dating and a sexual relationship outside of marriage, but not scare them away! If there's already a post on this, forgive me!


----------



## inthepink (May 5, 2009)

If you scare them away b/c you want to abstain till marriage, then I think that's a good thing! A good way of weeding them out.

I understand your concern though. I would pray and ask that God bring godly men into your life who are also being disciplined with abstinence till marriage. 

I am awaiting others responses anxiously!


----------



## BeautifulFlower (May 5, 2009)

When the topic of relationship, love and sex arise, drop the C bomb on him.

No really...as soon as possible so you dont start to develop counterfeit feelings from waiting too long if he's not the one. 

If it was me, you'll know that during the first conversation. If a guy its on the same page as me, I want to know from jump so I dont my feelings caught on a person and later be disappointed.

I drop it in there by first asking them about the point of view on sex and relationships. Then I share my point of view.


----------



## inthepink (May 5, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> * I drop it in there by first asking them about the point of view on sex and relationships. Then I share my point of view.*



Wow - you're a brave one. I haven't been on a date since I became a Christian so I don't even know how to BEGIN to approach this.

Wow...so do you just bring it up out of the blue? Do you wait for the conversation to come around to relationships?

I do agree wholeheartedly with you though, I want to know right away.


----------



## Janice (May 5, 2009)

CocoCure83 said:


> Hey Ladies! How long do you wait to approach the topic of celibacy with a new guy? I'm about to end my dating fast, and I want to weed out the jokers right away!!:angeldeviWhen I meet a guy at church, its a little easier to approach the subject, but what about the ones who approach you outside of church?  I have to be upfront that I'm not looking for casual dating and a sexual relationship outside of marriage, but not scare them away! If there's already a post on this, forgive me!



You can never scare away the man that God has for you!!!

In my experience, out of the many guys outside of church that have approached me since I became a christian 8 yrs ago, only 2 in my christian life have come to church...for like only one visit though, lol......and I never heard from them again, lol. I think they are suprised to see that I take my relationship w/ God seriously since most say they have never met a serious Christian. I don't know what they are expecting but I tell them if they are looking for a good time, I sure am not the one!


It gets frustrating but the man God has for you will also have the same values as you and be there to stick around. They are out there though, where.... I don't know, lol.

Be encouraged though and just know that it is all timing...it truly is..til you meet the one!


----------



## MizzCoco (May 5, 2009)

hairlove said:


> Wow - you're a brave one. I haven't been on a date since I became a Christian so I don't even know how to BEGIN to approach this.
> 
> Wow...so do you just bring it up out of the blue? Do you wait for the conversation to come around to relationships?
> 
> I do agree wholeheartedly with you though, I want to know right away.


 
I was thinking around the 3rd or 4th date is when I should try to bring it up, cuz thats when most men start getting that "itch" to speed things up! By then, I should know if he's even worth my time. But my conversation and conduct will let him know that I'm a christian woman anyway,


----------



## BeautifulFlower (May 5, 2009)

hairlove said:


> Wow - you're a brave one. I haven't been on a date since I became a Christian so I don't even know how to BEGIN to approach this.
> 
> Wow...so do you just bring it up out of the blue? Do you wait for the conversation to come around to relationships?
> 
> I do agree wholeheartedly with you though, I want to know right away.


 

LOL. I just wont switch from being in worship to talking about the sheets. But its just how I manage conversations. I have played around in the pass now I dont. By the first phone conversation I want to know certain things. By that information, I'll determine if you're even worth going on a date with me. My goal for the first conversation is data not establishing a friendship. Not to say if you're not my type, I'll just hang up the phone but I want to know where you are at from beginning. 

I do this because I know how I can get if I think someone is cool. So, I'll intentially look for the bad to keep me from developing feelings. If I dont see bad, I'm in trouble...erplexed


----------



## inthepink (May 5, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> LOL. I just wont switch from being in worship to talking about the sheets. But its just how I manage conversations. I have played around in the pass now I dont. By the first phone conversation I want to know certain things. By that information, I'll determine if you're even worth going on a date with me. *My goal for the first conversation is data not establishing a friendship. *Not to say if you're not my type, I'll just hang up the phone but I want to know where you are at from beginning.
> 
> I do this because I know how I can get if I think someone is cool. So, I'll intentially look for the bad to keep me from developing feelings. If I dont see bad, I'm in trouble...erplexed



Please tell me some of these - I might need it soon.


----------



## BeautifulFlower (May 5, 2009)

hairlove said:


> Please tell me some of these - I might need it soon.


 
Sure...

Women tend to communicate to establish connections. Men tend to communicate to gather data/information. As a result, women tend not to ask the tough questions to soon because they want to establish a connection rather than "run someone off". I enjoy running people off; lets me know this is one less idiot I have to worry about.

Before you have a conversation (over the phone) with the person, pray about the person asking God to open your mind to whatever he wants to show you. You can ask the Holy Spirit to put questions on your heart or you can complie a list of questions prior to the conversation. I prefer to use both methods. As the conversation flows ask questions according to the direction of the conversation. If you hit a silent moment, you're prepared to keep things going and interesting. 

The kinds of questions you want to focus on are your Non-negotiables. What are non-negotiables? Standards you have set that you will not compromise on. Thats up to you and God.  

This should be done over the phone only. It would be weird to break out a list over dinner. This also helps you from going out with someone and feeling completely uncomfortable because they are not even close to a potential mate.


----------



## inthepink (May 5, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> Sure...
> 
> Women tend to communicate to establish connections. Men tend to communicate to gather data/information. As a result, women tend not to ask the tough questions to soon because they want to establish a connection rather than "run someone off". I enjoy running people off; lets me know this is one less idiot I have to worry about.
> 
> ...



This is perfect.  I have a phone conversation scheduled for tonite and I have not prayed or thought about what to talk about all (didn't want to stress myself out).  Gosh, this is going to take some talent, though, to ask these questions and not sound like an interview.

Thanks for this.

Coco - I hope this is helpful for you, too! Didn't mean to hijack your thread!


----------



## MizzCoco (May 5, 2009)

hairlove said:


> This is perfect. I have a phone conversation scheduled for tonite and I have not prayed or thought about what to talk about all (didn't want to stress myself out). Gosh, this is going to take some talent, though, to ask these questions and not sound like an interview.
> 
> Thanks for this.
> 
> Coco - I hope this is helpful for you, too! Didn't mean to hijack your thread!


 This is very helpful, I'm taking notes too!  But thats what I wanted to avoid was sounding like an interview...christian dating is a lot tougher! We'll get the hang of it eventually!


----------



## BeautifulFlower (May 5, 2009)

BTW, please do not make it sound like an interview but technically it is. 
But friendly and casually but know that your goal is to collect information about the person to determine if he is worth your time. 

HAIRLOVE, you have a potential?!?!? Dont forget to share if he was worth anything...


----------



## inthepink (May 5, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> BTW, *please do not make it sound like an interview but technically it is. *
> But friendly and casually but know that your goal is to collect information about the person to determine if he is worth your time.
> 
> HAIRLOVE, you have a potential?!?!? Dont forget to share if he was worth anything...



I'm going to try my best.  This is my first time having a conversation with a potential male suitor of the Christian persuasion.


----------



## MizzCoco (May 5, 2009)

hairlove said:


> I'm going to try my best.  This is my first time having a conversation with a potential male suitor of the Christian persuasion.


 
you can do it! Pray about it, and let us know how it goes...i'm makin my list of questions tonight!


----------



## Duchesse (May 5, 2009)

This is a great thread! I was just asking my sister earlier about how I should tell new guys that I am abstinent until marriage.....and that I am only dating to meet my Future Husband, not just for fun.  She told me to be prepared for a lot of guys running away scared lol!

I agree with PANB, the quicker you let the info spill, the better. You can really tell off the bat from a first date/lengthy conversation with a man where his mind is at..if you are really listening and not either romanticizing or "cynicizing" what he is saying.

Assuming that as a Christian dating you are looking for your future spouse and not just a boyfriend or hang-out buddy, to me it doesn't make sense to prolong the spillage of info. He has a right to know in the beginning what he is getting himself into, and before any feelings of the heart (or loins) develop.

I'll actually be having this convo later on this week.  I'll let ya'll know how it went down.


----------



## mellowmel (May 5, 2009)

Great thread. Remembering this for the future.


----------



## inthepink (May 5, 2009)

Duchesse said:


> This is a great thread! I was just asking my sister earlier about how I should tell new guys that I am abstinent until marriage.....and that I am only dating to meet my Future Husband, not just for fun.  She told me to be prepared for a lot of guys running away scared lol!
> 
> I agree with PANB, the quicker you let the info spill, the better. You can really tell off the bat from a first date/lengthy conversation with a man where his mind is at..if you are really listening and not either romanticizing or "cynicizing" what he is saying.
> 
> ...



Oh my!   But how right you are.

{Sigh}  Who said it would be easy? erplexed


----------



## Supergirl (May 5, 2009)

Y'all are too tough! (that means awesome, good at this, know your stuff...)


----------



## chicacanella (May 6, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> When the topic of relationship, love and sex arise, drop the C bomb on him.
> 
> No really...as soon as possible so you dont start to develop counterfeit feelings from waiting too long if he's not the one.
> 
> ...


 
Yes, I feel the same way. My future husband already knows how I feel about sex before marriage aka. fornicating. I will admit that sometimes I do think about it like, "Man, I wish I could..." then I'm like, "No, I cast down that thought and imagination and every high thing that exalteh itself against the knowledge of God and I bring this thought into captivity in obedience of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."  

Also, if you know you feel extra sexual during ovulation then you probably shouldn't schedule a candle light romatic dinner with your boyfriend but opt for something out in the open.  And have guidleines or boundaries that you won't cross. 

For me personally, kissing is fine but while kissing hand must stay in one place and those places are not the "hot zones." And kissing can not get to the point where I am tempted so there is a time limit on that also.


----------



## chicacanella (May 6, 2009)

prettyfaceANB said:


> Sure...
> 
> Women tend to communicate to establish connections. Men tend to communicate to gather data/information. As a result, women tend not to ask the tough questions to soon because they want to establish a connection rather than "run someone off". I enjoy running people off; lets me know this is one less idiot I have to worry about.
> 
> ...


 
I like this and I totally agree that you men communicate to gather information. Women often times just seem to talk for the heck of it but when a man speaks, most of the time there is a purpose behind the conversation. I just think it's that "hunter/gatherer" thing that's innate in men.


----------



## BeautifulFlower (May 6, 2009)

chicacanella said:


> Yes, I feel the same way. My future husband already knows how I feel about sex before marriage aka. fornicating. I will admit that sometimes I do think about it like, "Man, I wish I could..." then I'm like, "No, I cast down that thought and imagination and every high thing that exalteh itself against the knowledge of God and I bring this thought into captivity in obedience of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
> 
> Also, if you know you feel extra sexual during ovulation then you probably shouldn't schedule a candle light romatic dinner with your boyfriend but opt for something out in the open. And have guidleines or boundaries that you won't cross.
> 
> For me personally, kissing is fine but while kissing hand must stay in one place and those places are not the "hot zones." And kissing can not get to the point where I am tempted so there is a time limit on that also.


 
Yes! Women have to set boundaries on men but we have to set boundaries on ourselves. You so right, plan and simple, if you're horny its best to not be alone. Dont give place to the enemy. 

There's nothing wrong with kissing at all. I wont do it because of the mess I've been through with men so the one for me it will be extra tough for him to get through to me.


----------



## Renewed1 (May 7, 2009)

I agree with Pretty.  First discover their intentions, like if they are dating to marry or dating to just DATE.  Then I will found out how they feel about premartial sex and then I let them know where I stand.

I always try to figure the guy out first, that way I know his answers are sincere.


----------



## inthepink (May 7, 2009)

Changed said:


> I agree with Pretty.  First discover their intentions, like if they are dating to marry or dating to just DATE.  Then I will found out how they feel about premartial sex and then I let them know where I stand.
> 
> I always try to figure the guy out first, that way I know his answers are sincere.



This makes sense to me.  I had a convo last night but we didn't talk long and it is going to be a challenge to just getting around to talking about God!  (Though God was brought up a few times on both of our parts). erplexed  But, I still don't even know if this guy is interested in dating me.  So, I decided it wasn't quite right to go there so soon.  I think I should find out his intentions first.


----------



## BeautifulFlower (May 7, 2009)

hairlove said:


> This makes sense to me. I had a convo last night but we didn't talk long and it is going to be a challenge to just getting around to talking about God! (Though God was brought up a few times on both of our parts). erplexed But, I still don't even know if this guy is interested in dating me. So, I decided it wasn't quite right to go there so soon. I think I should find out his intentions first.


Thats the way to do it. Let the convo flow. Dont rush anything. First time you guys have a lengthy convo, work the questions in one by one.


----------



## momi (May 7, 2009)

hairlove said:


> _*If you scare them away b/c you want to abstain till marriage, then I think that's a good thing!*_ A good way of weeding them out.
> 
> I understand your concern though. I would pray and ask that God bring godly men into your life who are also being disciplined with abstinence till marriage.
> 
> I am awaiting others responses anxiously!


 
Amen! Best to weed out the jokers sooner than later. 

If he is truly a man from God he should immediately assume that you are dedicated to celibacy.


----------

