# The gift of singlehood?



## Kinkyhairlady (Aug 29, 2011)

Why is this called a gift exactly? If being single was such a gift why did God give Adam a mate? I’m really not understanding this concept. If I end up being single for the rest of my life I will not die thinking I had a gift, I will die feeling pretty sad honestly. I just don’t get it.


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## Ladybelle (Aug 29, 2011)

_*1 Cor 7:34* The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. _


Basically, when you're single you have the gift of not having to worry about anything but God and yourself. When you get married, that goes out the window - in fact, when you get married you're supposed to love & care for your husband unconditionally, it sounds fun - but it is truly a lifelong, sometimes difficult task.


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## Kinkyhairlady (Aug 29, 2011)

Ladybelle said:


> _*1 Cor 7:34* The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. _
> 
> 
> Basically, when you're single you have the gift of not having to worry about anything but God and yourself. When you get married, that goes out the window - in fact, when you get married you're supposed to love & care for your husband unconditionally, it sounds fun - but it is truly a lifelong, sometimes difficult task.



But even if you are married are you not still suppose to put God first? your interpretation is not really clear to me. I don't believe anyone really truly wants to be alone for the rest of their life. we as humans are not equipped to be satisfied like that.


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## Ladybelle (Aug 29, 2011)

I'm not saying you are supposed to be single the rest of your life, I'm saying how being single is supposed to be a gift, just like marriage is. Just two different types. 

The bible is clear in that when you marry, you are to submit yourself to your husband as unto the Lord. Now to me, that sounds like really high priority. Who else in your life would you give that kind of priority to? 


I think we are equipped to not be married, just like we are equipped to go through anything else. God equips us. We may not want to or see how we can endure, that doesn't mean it's impossible. ALL things are possible in Christ-  that includes being peacefully unmarried.


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Aug 29, 2011)

We are suppose to but we don't all always do that, it's easy to get consumed with her husbands, children jobs etc., and not give the Lord what he is due...


Some women, yes some are content that it's just them and Jesus especially if they've been married before and have grown children..then they can dedicate all their time to God...






Kinkyhairlady said:


> But even if you are married *are you not still suppose to put God first*? your interpretation is not really clear to me. I don't believe anyone really truly wants to be alone for the rest of their life. we as humans are not equipped to be satisfied like that.


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## AnjelLuvs (Aug 29, 2011)

*Crazy thing, I asked God just this am why is he cursing me... 30 single, feels like the last of the Mohicans amongst a vast majority of friends... Hardly , wait never really been in a relationship... I feel doomed and cursed and everything else in between... 

If I had a man, I wouldn't be on this darn board, wait yea I would cuz I usually surf at work... erplexed... *


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## AnjelLuvs (Aug 29, 2011)

*Slowly losing hope... *


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## Prudent1 (Aug 29, 2011)

First of all the vast majority of people do not have this gift. If you desire a mate/ children/ etc then you do not. If the Lord has not implicitly conveyed to you that singlehood is your destiny then that does not apply to you. Those that have the gift of singleness are not sad and unhappy deprived ppl. They are not longing for a mate and children etc. I have an Aunt with this gift. So, it is a gift but in the same manner that I would like to receive live flowers on a special occasion, many other women would not. I should not down them b/c I like flowers and they don't. You cannot understand the heart and mind of another person. Just know that we are all equally precious to our Father but have subtle differences. For them it is a gift- just not for you.


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## Prudent1 (Aug 29, 2011)

AnjelLuvsUBabe said:


> *Slowly losing hope... *


 Hon, 30 is not too old for anything unless you are abusing yourself in some way. I know you don't want to hear that and you may be comparing your life experiences to that of someone else (which never works and actually ties God's hands)but don't. God is not pleased when we compare ourselves to another in that manner. When he made you he had a plan in mind for you alone. Your walk will never look like mine. Just b/c chronologically you're a certain age does not mean you are ready for marriage and all of the hard work involved. I have thought I was rady  plenty of times only to have God reveal to me some other area of my life I needed to get in order. Don't let the enemy steal your hope. You have a lot of life to live.


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## Guitarhero (Aug 29, 2011)

Ladybelle said:


> _*1 Cor 7:34* The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. _
> 
> 
> Basically, when you're single you have the gift of not having to worry about anything but God and yourself. When you get married, that goes out the window - in fact, when you get married you're supposed to love & care for your husband unconditionally, it sounds fun - but it is truly a lifelong, sometimes difficult task.



I agree and am piggy-backing with a further explanation.  But is not a gift that is considered better than the gift of marriage, which is G-d's plan for the majority of his creation.  It's a gift in itself as there are many different parts of the body of Christ and that they are all important - in that sense, OP.  Marriage is definitely meant to be given up to G-d and that He remain the focus.  The love of the family demonstrates the love that G-d has for his creation and is the foundation of society.  


Kinkyhairlady, if you wish to marry, continue to focus upon that, not singlehood and the life that that is for those called to it.


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## LifeafterLHCF (Aug 29, 2011)

Singleness until its fully explored is a curse.I have been single for the last  6 years and for the most part of it I was so angered like God its been a minute when will I get a boo.But until recent I have been enjoying it.I can go and come as I please and don' t have to worry about baby sitters or childcare when I want to go out.

Singleness like marriage is what you make of it.To me its a time of development and growth esp if you aspire for marriage.Also I don't feel everyone who has the desire for marriage will marry..at times I feel I may never marry as it may not be in the cards for me being used.


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## CandiceC (Aug 29, 2011)

I view not desiring marriage as a gift. 

I agree with Prudent1 that the majority don't have this gift.


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## Kinkyhairlady (Aug 29, 2011)

I understand, I certainly don't have the gift but if God decides I don't deserve a husband I hope he does something to make me content with that life that's all I'm saying. It is so sad when you know you are living according to God's word and still you can't be blessed with a good God fearing man! I'm just venting but seriously that is how I have been feeling lately. 

I also hate when people say I should be happy being single and enjoy it blah blah, I've been single for several years now and I am filled with more sadness than love. I am not even sure I know how to be in a relationship anymore cause I have just become so anti social and into my own world. I am praying though and reading the bible. I cry but If anything I know I have God. If he is all I will have I guess I can deal with that. I'll still cry cause I'm human but as I get older it will be less I think.


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## LifeafterLHCF (Aug 29, 2011)

Kinkyhairlady I don't think anyone deserves anything as we all were given salvation and grace but at times the purpose God has for us that may be better served while we are single then having the responsibilities of family.Like from my research when we are married our focus is the family therefore we can't be at church everyday all day bc then we aren't taking care of what God has entrusted us with a husband and possible kiddos.Its not honorable to not care for family when your married.But as a single person your able to go to different events like a all night prayer meetings.

Until you get to the point where your happy you will never be able to enjoy your phase of life.I'm like now as much as I wanted marriage I'm in no rush anymore.If it comes it does if not oh well I'm going to live my live my life for God.When you said you are sad over happy why? I had to ask my why and I found out that I believed I was suppose to have certain things and not enjoying the freedom.I will keep you prayer my love you have just pushed me more to work in my churches singles ministry.


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## Kinkyhairlady (Aug 29, 2011)

GoddessMaker said:


> Kinkyhairlady I don't think anyone deserves anything as we all were given salvation and grace but at times the purpose God has for us that may be better served while we are single then having the responsibilities of family.Like from my research when we are married our focus is the family therefore we can't be at church everyday all day bc then we aren't taking care of what God has entrusted us with a husband and possible kiddos.Its not honorable to not care for family when your married.But as a single person your able to go to different events like a all night prayer meetings.
> 
> Until you get to the point where your happy you will never be able to enjoy your phase of life.I'm like now as much as I wanted marriage I'm in no rush anymore.If it comes it does if not oh well I'm going to live my live my life for God.When you said you are sad over happy why? I had to ask my why and I found out that I believed I was suppose to have certain things and not enjoying the freedom.I will keep you prayer my love you have just pushed me more to work in my churches singles ministry.



Thank you. I will focus on my relationship with God. He is all I have.


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Aug 30, 2011)

I'm not hearing faith in here...

Not having a husband should not be thought of as a life of doom or a curse...Mortal man can not make you complete or whole, only God can do that...

I will be 44 in a few days I've been saved for 6 years haven't had sex (of any kind) in 7-8 years, have not been on a 'date' or even spoken to a man in the same amount of time...I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that God has not forsaken or abandoned me...I DO want to be married but if it doesn't happen I won't love God any less because of it...

Have faith and stop speaking negativity over your lives, Stop listening to what the 'world' is saying and take the time line off God...

Ask yourself this...

Am I ready for a husband?

I am not talking hormones/emotions but are you really ready for a mate???


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## Laela (Aug 30, 2011)

I know someone like that.. her very presence is comforting and her prayers are POWERFUL!!  



Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> We are suppose to but we don't all always do that, it's easy to get consumed with her husbands, children jobs etc., and not give the Lord what he is due...
> 
> 
> Some women, yes some are content that it's just them and Jesus *especially if they've been married before and have grown children..then they can dedicate all their time to God*...


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## Laela (Aug 30, 2011)

Singlehood is a gift, like any other spiritual gift, or endowment from the Holy Spirit, because it comes directly from God the Father. On singleness, Jesus told the disciples in *Matthew 19:11-12*

_But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. _
_For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother's womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it. _




Kinkyhairlady said:


> Why is this called a gift exactly? If being single was such a gift why did God give Adam a mate? I’m really not understanding this concept. If I end up being single for the rest of my life I will not die thinking I had a gift, I will die feeling pretty sad honestly. I just don’t get it.


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## Raspberry (Aug 30, 2011)

Ladybelle said:


> _*1 Cor 7:34* The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. _
> 
> 
> Basically, when you're single you have the gift of not having to worry about anything but God and yourself. When you get married, that goes out the window - in fact, when you get married you're supposed to love & care for your husband unconditionally, it sounds fun - but it is truly a lifelong, sometimes difficult task.



Hmm.. the Bible never refers to such a thing as the "gift of singleness," though Jesus does mention distinct groups of  people who have the ability to be celibate:
*
For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made  that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the  kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it. Matt 19:12*
A eunuch was a castrated man and is referred to both literally and figuratively in the above passage.  Obviously if one cannot accept lifetime celibacy then they don't have such a gift, though of course God's grace (supernatural ability) can help us bear anything that we must.

_*5 cDo  not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may  give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that dSatan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 But I say this as a concession, enot as a commandment. 7 For fI wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that.  *_ _*8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: gIt is good for them if they remain even as I am; 9 but hif they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn *__*with pass*ion._ 
_*1 Corinthians 7:5-9:

*_Paul put the Kingdom above everything else in his life and from his perspective, being single allows one to pursue God's purposes with no distractions. What he said was not a commandment but his personal preference.. as stated in the passage above. But he is also practical, in that if you can't control yourself sexually (or deal with lifelong celibacy), then you need to get married.

@Kinkyhairlady No one deserves anything from the Lord according to human logic, anything we have is because of grace through Christ. God has given us the privilege of asking him in faith for our desires because we are His children and He loves to give us good gifts. As stated in the Word, God wants to grant us our desires (not just needs, but _desires_) according to His will.. and if we are abiding in Him our desires will purified according to His unique purposes for our lives. 

So the Bible tells to make requests of God in faith, and believe that we have received the answer before we see it manifest. That's usually the hardest part for all of us..the time between the asking and the receiving is where the most testing takes place. We are also told to ask for wisdom above all things and God will give it to us generously, but we must believe that we have what we ask for.

We are admonished in the New Testament that we are to take to heart the story of the Isrealites as warnings and examples for our own lives (1 Cor 10:1-11). Their biggest sins were doubt and unbelief, which kept them from experiencing the fullness of prosperity in the promised land and fellowship with God. So they wandered in the wilderness..

There are a few areas of my life that I have been very discontented in  and I've come to the understanding that I've waited unnecessarily in  some areas because of doubt and unbelief.

God wants us to believe the He is absolutely _good_ and not a withholder but a rewarder.  In some places the Amplified bible defines faith as "the leaning of your entire human personality on Him in *absolute* *trust* and confidence in His power, wisdom, and goodness]"

The bible has strong words about nurturing doubt and unbelief: 

_*But without faith it is impossible to please Him*, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him._ Heb 11:6

_*For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord*; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways._ James 1

God absolutely wants to answer our prayers . But we must do our part to continue in faith and walk in wisdom (practical things like physical and financial excellence, identifying emotional issues and character flaws, etc), and pursue spiritual maturity. God is responsible for the timing and supernatural part.


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## JessieLeleB (Aug 30, 2011)

I'm glad I found this forum, recently I have been going through a up and down of being single, it has brought me closer to god but also made me really sad at the same time, I'm only 24, will be 25 in Nov and All I keep thinking is I will bring in another year Single and it does make me sad, especially when I'm at church and church events and surrounded by Married Women! Like G-d what am I doing wrong when literally all my friends are married or in relationships and I'm like where's my Mr. Right, when every Movie ends with the girl getting the guy and every Song on the Radio is singing I'm so in love!!! I know your suppose to speak positive into your life and Speak things that aren't as if the Are, be some days I get so discouraged that I keep saying the same things everyday with no Effect! I know it makes a person strong to say I'm independent and can do everything on my own, money, car, career, house, but Damn what fun is it to come home to a empty house, drive by yourself in the car and go shopping by yourself Every Day of Your Life!!! Genesis 2:18-24 G-d saw that it was not good for man to be alone so he man Woman. If this were not so it wouldn't be written! I'm just venting because its real personal to my heart right now! 


Sent from my iPhone using LHCF


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## Laela (Aug 30, 2011)

It's not clear if Paul ever married....

He clearly was single when he addressed the Corinthians here....and we even have to be careful with this, because he's speaking in terms of being single, for the ministry's sake. 



Raspberry said:


> _*5 cDo not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that dSatan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 But I say this as a concession, enot as a commandment. 7 For fI wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. *__*8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: gIt is good for them if they remain even as I am; 9 but hif they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn *__*with pass*ion._
> _*1 Corinthians 7:5-9:*_
> 
> Paul put the Kingdom above everything else in his life and from his perspective, being single allows one to pursue God's purposes with no distractions. What he said was not a commandment but his personal preference.. as stated in the passage above. But he is also practical, in that if you can't control yourself sexually (or deal with lifelong celibacy), then you need to get married.


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## Ladybelle (Aug 30, 2011)

Raspberry said:


> Hmm.. the Bible never refers to such a thing as the "gift of singleness," though Jesus does mention distinct groups of people who have the ability to be celibate:
> 
> _*For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it. Matt 19:12*_
> A eunuch was a castrated man and is referred to both literally and figuratively in the above passage. Obviously if one cannot accept lifetime celibacy then they don't have such a gift, though of course God's grace (supernatural ability) can help us bear anything that we must.
> ...


 

I don't think I ever said God said singleness was a gift. Where in the bible does it say marriage is a gift if we are being technical?? 

I said that being single is a gift just as being married can be (it not always is, sometimes we are so hellbent on getting married that we curse ourselves.) 


Now, we all have our interpretations of scripture which is why it is important we read the bible for ourselves and seek guidance from the Holy Spirit on clear understanding of his Word.

I know the Lord for myself, and I know that being alive is a gift, being single is a gift, being married is a gift, being employed is a gift - I mean the gifts go on and on. 

Or should I change the word to "BLESSING"?? That might be a better fit actually. 


God also instructs us about patience, there is scripture after scripture about being patient and waiting on the Lord. Does it mean we are cursed until we get what we want? I don't think so. Nor is it a curse to be single.


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## Raspberry (Aug 30, 2011)

Laela said:


> It's not clear if Paul ever married....
> 
> He clearly was single when he addressed the Corinthians here....



True, definitely makes sense that he was single when he made those statements. Some have said that Paul was married at some earlier point but I never looked into that to know why they came to that conclusion.




Ladybelle said:


> I don't think I ever said God said singleness was a gift. Where in the bible does it say marriage is a gift if we are being technical??
> 
> I said that being single is a gift just as being married can be (it not always is, sometimes we are so hellbent on getting married that we curse ourselves.)
> 
> ...



I think we all may be working from different definitions of the word "gift" in this discussion. I was thinking of the "gift of singleness" in the context of designated spiritual gifts; so yea, the word "blessing" is probably a better fit...

I agree that our patience is important to God, and no we are certainly not cursed because we have to wait.. rather patience is usually a test in itself (at least for me).. and sometimes we wait longer than we have to because of our own actions and/or attitudes.

BTW I wasn't addressing my entire post to you, but expounding generally by using your post as a starting point


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## Ladybelle (Aug 30, 2011)

^^ Oh, I see.... misunderstanding.


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## Mis007 (Aug 30, 2011)

Kinkyhairlady said:


> *But even if you are married are you not still suppose to put God first?* your interpretation is not really clear to me. I don't believe anyone really truly wants to be alone for the rest of their life. we as humans are not equipped to be satisfied like that.


 
Yes you are.


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## PinkPebbles (Aug 30, 2011)

Kinkyhairlady said:


> I understand, I certainly don't have the gift but if God decides I don't deserve a husband I hope he does something to make me content with that life that's all I'm saying. It is so sad when you know you are living according to God's word and still you can't be blessed with a good God fearing man! I'm just venting but seriously that is how I have been feeling lately.
> 
> I also hate when people say I should be happy being single and enjoy it blah blah, I've been single for several years now and I am filled with more sadness than love. I am not even sure I know how to be in a relationship anymore cause I have just become so anti social and into my own world. I am praying though and reading the bible. I cry but If anything I know I have God. If he is all I will have I guess I can deal with that. I'll still cry cause I'm human but as I get older it will be less I think.


 
Kinkyhairlady -

I just wanted to give you an e-hug b/c I understand how you feel. And your feelings are valid .

I was single for awhile but currently dating someone that would hopefully lead to marriage. 

You are right that it's not good for male or female to be alone. And quite frankly I'm tired of the church glorifying singleness... They spend so much time talking about being single opposed to cultivating and developing healthy relationships. And we wonder why so many Christian women are still single....


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## Mis007 (Aug 30, 2011)

Kinkyhairlady said:


> I understand, I certainly don't have the gift but if God decides I don't deserve a husband I hope he does something to make me content with that life that's all I'm saying. It is so sad when you know you are living according to God's word and still you can't be blessed with a good God fearing man! I'm just venting but seriously that is how I have been feeling lately.
> 
> I also hate when people say I should be happy being single and enjoy it blah blah, I've been single for several years now and I am filled with more sadness than love. I am not even sure I know how to be in a relationship anymore cause I have just become so anti social and into my own world. I am praying though and reading the bible. I cry but If anything I know I have God. If he is all I will have I guess I can deal with that. I'll still cry cause I'm human but as I get older it will be less I think.


 
Perhaps if you longed for God more than a husband, you would endure the season of singleness and grow stronger,  look @ it as preparation.


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## Raspberry (Aug 30, 2011)

PinkPebbles said:


> Kinkyhairlady -
> 
> I just wanted to give you an e-hug b/c I understand how you feel. And your feelings are valid .
> 
> ...


Not only that, but why so many Christian marriages end in divorce . In the denomination I grew up in it was hammered into our heads that everyone should marry Christians but not much was said about dealing with everyday marriage issues, lifestyle compatibility, etc. The church I go to now is a lot different and addresses marriage issues head-on, which I appreciate but I know that's not a universal thing.

I also wish the church.. particularly Evangelicals, would be more proactive in helping compatiable singles meet and socialize together. Getting and staying married is an important and practical need that should be addressed as much as food pantry, hospital ministry, and so on.

I have a friend who has felt led to have monthly socials at her house.. started with women but she felt God wanted her to invite certain Christian men from church or as she encounters them. The socials have been great so far and Im' glad she's stepping out of her comfort zone to get isolated people together for wholesome fellowship.


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## Mis007 (Aug 30, 2011)

GoddessMaker said:


> Singleness until its fully explored is a curse.I have been single for the last 6 years and for the most part of it I was so angered like God its been a minute when will I get a boo.But until recent I have been enjoying it.I can go and come as I please and don' t have to worry about baby sitters or childcare when I want to go out.
> 
> Singleness like marriage is what you make of it.To me its a time of development and growth esp if you aspire for marriage.*Also I don't feel* *everyone who has the desire for marriage will marry*..at times I feel I may never marry as it may not be in the cards for me being used.


 
I agree, a bitter pill to swallow for many.


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## Laela (Aug 30, 2011)

PinkPebbles -- It's unfortunate you feel this way PinkPebbles. I'm not so sure the churches are glorifying singleness moreso than emphasizing to put God first. God should be first in our lives, married or not... 

For those who choose to live a single life in Christ, the Holy Spirit will enable them; it's a gift to live that way without sexual immorality or impureness.


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## Mis007 (Aug 30, 2011)

Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> I'm not hearing faith in here...
> 
> Not having a husband should not be thought of as a life of doom or a curse...Mortal man can not make you complete or whole, only God can do that...
> 
> ...


 
I agree, often times all we really want is to be loved, which can be fulfilled through an initmate relationship with God.


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## LifeafterLHCF (Aug 30, 2011)

If we all got what we desired there would be so much calmaity in this world.I say I that marriage is something that would be great but there is a burden with every blessing or upkeep is a better word.

Marriage is a ministry that if not properly cared for will end to demise like so many christians.I also say this very lightly that as a christian we are held to a higher standard and also things are put into a higher light than anyone else.My point to this is make sure when you enter that thang called marriage your ready.No one will ever be perfect,however there are so many couples who are not ready at all but want what the flesh wanted at night so they married but so unhappy.I want to start a marriage with a praying man who is on the same path..grow in your walk ladies bc when you get a snotty nose kid to care for as cute as they are you will not have the time to develop the way you can as a single.


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## SuchMagnificent (Aug 30, 2011)

JessieLeleB said:


> I'm glad I found this forum, recently I have been going through a up and down of being single, it has brought me closer to god but also made me really sad at the same time, I'm only 24, will be 25 in Nov and All I keep thinking is I will bring in another year Single and it does make me sad, especially when I'm at church and church events and surrounded by Married Women! Like G-d what am I doing wrong when literally all my friends are married or in relationships and I'm like where's my Mr. Right, when every Movie ends with the girl getting the guy and every Song on the Radio is singing I'm so in love!!! I know your suppose to speak positive into your life and Speak things that aren't as if the Are, be some days I get so discouraged that I keep saying the same things everyday with no Effect! I know it makes a person strong to say I'm independent and can do everything on my own, money, car, career, house, *but Damn what fun is it to come home to a empty house, drive by yourself in the car and go shopping by yourself Every Day of Your Life*!!! Genesis 2:18-24 G-d saw that it was not good for man to be alone so he man Woman. If this were not so it wouldn't be written! I'm just venting because its real personal to my heart right now!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using LHCF


 

This is real talk..Im content with myself, have no problem with going out by myself, but the minute I say Im looking for my partner, my better half, I get shut down and usually by people who have a mate.. The one recurring piece of advice I tend to get it it, "Focus on Yourself, concentrate on making yourself better, get some hobbies, do things that make you happy." So if Ive done that, then what? Now whats the next piece of advice you plan on giving me? I think its only natural to yearn for a companion and women who are looking for one, shouldnt have their wants sweeped under the rug or dismissed.


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## Ladybelle (Aug 30, 2011)

PinkPebbles said:


> Kinkyhairlady -
> 
> I just wanted to give you an e-hug b/c I understand how you feel. And your feelings are valid .
> 
> ...


 

I agree with this to an extent, but on the other-hand, I think sometimes some women spend sooooooooooo much time & effort worried about getting married that they do not focus on anything else. All of their mental power and thought processes are geared towards being somebody's wife.

It reminds me of a teenage girl who wants a baby, she just wants a baby so bad that she does not take the time to figure out exactly what motherhood entails. All she sees is cute clothes and all she smells is baby lotion. It doesn't once cross her mind how difficult motherhood will be.


I think this is the reason some marriages end of divorce- some folks are so stuck on getting married, that they have no clue what it takes to stay married and no idea on what it means to be a wife. They just want the ring and the wedding. It's more than that, much more. 


What churches are trying to do in some instances, is equip people for living the single life peacefully & joyfully instead of always being worried about a wedding date, that's just not a productive way to live. 



We talked about this in another thread- but when you look at the relationship of Boaz & Ruth, they were both spiritually ready for marriage amongst other things. I think if some women spend more time becoming spiritually ready - meekness, humbleness, loving heart, PATIENCE,and other Godly virtues, their husbands might find them much sooner.


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## Guitarhero (Aug 30, 2011)

Kinkyhairlady said:


> I understand, I certainly don't have the gift but if God decides I don't deserve a husband I hope he does something to make me content with that life that's all I'm saying. It is so sad when you know you are living according to God's word and still you can't be blessed with a good God fearing man! I'm just venting but seriously that is how I have been feeling lately.
> 
> I also hate when people say I should be happy being single and enjoy it blah blah, I've been single for several years now and I am filled with more sadness than love. I am not even sure I know how to be in a relationship anymore cause I have just become so anti social and into my own world. I am praying though and reading the bible. I cry but If anything I know I have God. If he is all I will have I guess I can deal with that. I'll still cry cause I'm human but as I get older it will be less I think.



It's normal and don't feel badly about it.  Marriage is so important in G-d's plan that most societies will arrange a good marriage for their sons and daughters.  It's just that important a thing to desire.  You are not unique in that respect.  Don't lose hope and become despaired but don't kick yourself because you get sad about it at times.  The worst thing christians often to do themselves is not allow for themselves to actually be human.  You cannot be a demi-god...you are only a child of G-d.  That means flesh and blood.  Be honest about it to G-d, your feelings etc.  Be totally open to Him about how you're feeling.  He understands.


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## PinkPebbles (Aug 30, 2011)

Ladybelle said:


> I agree with this to an extent, but on the other-hand, I think sometimes some women spend sooooooooooo much time & effort worried about getting married that they do not focus on anything else. All of their mental power and thought processes are geared towards being somebody's wife.
> 
> It reminds me of a teenage girl who wants a baby, she just wants a baby so bad that she does not take the time to figure out exactly what motherhood entails. All she sees is cute clothes and all she smells is baby lotion. It doesn't once cross her mind how difficult motherhood will be.
> 
> ...


 
Ladybelle - I hear you .

The Christian women that I know in real life particularly at my church are seasoned women in the Lord. I'm the baby amongst them b/c they are in their 40s and 50s. 

These women have been preparing for marriage since their early twenties. They love the Lord and serve in several ministries. They are content with the Lord, but deep down there is a longing for companionship, love, a touch, hug, a family. Yet, they hear and preach the same message about having peace and joy in their singlehood. And one day they will meet their Boaz if they keep serving....

Every Christian I know that follows this theory is still single. I no longer wanted to be single so I decided to do something different and met a nice Christian man. My single church friend that is 46 yrs old said if she could do it all over again she would do things differently.


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## Guitarhero (Aug 30, 2011)

I hope this is not taken in the wrong way, but marriage and children are the place where men and women demonstrate their deepest love and sacrifice for G-d.  It is through the sacrifice of the family, the microcosm of heaven.  Does that mean singles are less spiritual by default, not needing to overcome and work through difficulties in demonstrating love?  Not really, it just means they do not have that responsibility so, yes, by default, their lives are much easier.  

There's just a tad of anti-marriage in this thread and I think the focus is a bit off.  We can pull from many married women in this CF who are highly dedicated to G-d...via their families.  The way might differ but please don't think thta singlehood makes you closer to G-d.  It doesn't.  The heart is the vehicle, just that.   Maybe the question should be, "am I ready to sacrifice it all to G-d through marriage" because it is the most difficult yet gives the opportunity to share the most of G-d's love??  If not, then one should develop themselves to the highest in singlehood.


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## Guitarhero (Aug 30, 2011)

SuchMagnificance said:


> This is real talk..Im content with myself, have no problem with going out by myself, but the minute I say Im looking for my partner, my better half, I get shut down and usually by people who have a mate.. The one recurring piece of advice I tend to get it it, "Focus on Yourself, concentrate on making yourself better, get some hobbies, do things that make you happy." So if Ive done that, then what?





JessieLeleB said:


> know it makes a person strong to say I'm independent and can do everything on my own, money, car, career, house, but Damn what fun is it to come home to a empty house, drive by yourself in the car and go shopping by yourself Every Day of Your Life!!! Genesis 2:18-24 G-d saw that it was not good for man to be alone so he man Woman. If this were not so it wouldn't be written! I'm just venting because its real personal to my heart right now!
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using LHCF



Real talk, indeed, ladies!  See, I've been married before.  I'm in the healing phase right now and just now ready to date again.  I'll tell you one thing, I have enjoyed this time to myself to heal, with no male overhead.  It wasn't a Boaz I was married to.    But a dear lady tried to give me some advice...she's in her late 60's, had her last child in her late 40's.  Our church doesn't condone birth control.  Now, all her kids are fabulous and doing so much for the L-rd.  They're a convert family so I have a lot in common with her.  They own their own business and have a nice life.  But I just mentioned in passing once my desire to remarry.  Do you know, without "thinking," she went on about how easy it is to be single because men, no matter how good, can get on your nerves, xyz.  She's got the senior citizen "I'm tired of my husband right now" attitude.  If I get there, I'll get there...but to tell a younger woman that is just horrendous, in my mind.  She's already got companionship.  She's raised her kids successfully to adulthood.  She's got the house set, the business set...and to poo-poo marriage cuz she needs space?  Sigh....  You know, at the end of the day, even if you are tired of your lack of space for 2/3rds of the day, there is 1/3 of the day you are satisfied in having that loving individual by your side.    I think they project their desires on the single.  It's no different than those pushing singles who have no desire to marry or at least, yet, to do so.


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## LucieLoo12 (Aug 30, 2011)

I dont believe its wrong or a sin to desire marriage but you have to be careful on how much importance you put in it. If you are just consumed with it and it takes away your joy, it can become bondage

I am 25 and ive been single for 4 years now and Im content. Yes, I desire to be married and thoughts arises but God is keeping me. Im so focused on seeking God and serving in ministry that being married isnt something that I'm consumed with. We have to first make God our husband before we can make a natural man one. When you are seeking God WHOLEHEARTLY, he consumes your thoughts and your mind. You dont have time to be depressed all day about not being married. I know that God will send me a husband, but as I wait, i will learn God, I will let God change me. I will labor for His kingdom, and when I least expect it, my "Boaz" will appear...the bible says when a "man finds a good wife...". That lets me know I dont have to look, just seek God and wait....Patiently waiting.


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## Raspberry (Aug 30, 2011)

Kinkyhairlady said:


> I understand, I certainly don't have the gift but if God decides I don't deserve a husband I hope he does something to make me content with that life that's all I'm saying. It is so sad when you know you are living according to God's word and still you can't be blessed with a good God fearing man! I'm just venting but seriously that is how I have been feeling lately.
> 
> I also hate when people say I should be happy being single and enjoy it blah blah, I've been single for several years now and I am filled with more sadness than love. I am not even sure I know how to be in a relationship anymore cause *I have just become so anti social and into my own world.* I am praying though and reading the bible. I cry but If anything I know I have God. If he is all I will have I guess I can deal with that. I'll still cry cause I'm human but as I get older it will be less I think.



Please don't fall into this trap, the enemy loves to see us discouraged and unmotivated - idle time and isolation lead to depression and desperate actions.. get out there and socialize, discover what your natural and spiritual gifts, talents, and purposes are 

Married or single, all Christians have spiritual gifts we are called to, even if you aren't using them. There's a part of us that goes unfulfilled until we are using it for God's glory to bless others, a man can't fill that space. For example some people love to sing, others are writers, artists, entrepreneurs, givers.. countless gifts and ideas God has uniquely put inside us to further the kingdom and they lay dormant when we focus so much on worldly cares and feeling lack.

I would encourage you to also seek the Lord about your giftings.. you also have to interact with people so those gifts can be stirred and brought to the surface. I've been convicted about not cultivating and using my spiritual gifts enough...so much more important than  career aspirations I have agonized over. We all will have to answer to God (I believe) for how we used our talents and spiritual gifts. In the kingdom we are most fulfilled when we give ourselves away for His glory.. makes no sense from a human standpoint but I'm finding this to be true. You have something inside you that other people need, Plus when you leave your comfort zone and explore the world in a godly way you never know who you'll meet ..


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## Love Always (Aug 30, 2011)

PinkPebbles, totally agree with everything that you said. I've heard this message over and over again and to be completely honest that message doesn't work and hasn't worked. I know a few women like the one's you described and I feel for them. Their feelings are valid, my feelings are valid and sometimes I think that other Christians like to dismiss a lot of us Single Christian women's feelings. Especially when they tell us to occupy our time with serving the Lord and being content in our singlesness, a lot of us are already doing this. 

I appreciate your honesty in your post and I believe that a lot of us single Christian women need to be hearing this because it's real. I wish Bunny77 was here to give her input as well.



PinkPebbles said:


> Ladybelle - I hear you .
> 
> The Christian women that I know in real life particularly at my church are seasoned women in the Lord. I'm the baby amongst them b/c they are in their 40s and 50s.
> 
> ...


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## Mis007 (Aug 30, 2011)

Guitarhero said:


> Real talk, indeed, ladies! See, I've been married before. I'm in the healing phase right now and just now ready to date again. I'll tell you one thing, I have enjoyed this time to myself to heal, with no male overhead. It wasn't a Boaz I was married to.  But a dear lady tried to give me some advice...she's in her late 60's, had her last child in her late 40's. Our church doesn't condone birth control. Now, all her kids are fabulous and doing so much for the L-rd. They're a convert family so I have a lot in common with her. They own their own business and have a nice life. But I just mentioned in passing once my desire to remarry. Do you know, without "thinking," *she went on about how easy it is to be single because men, no matter how good, can get on your nerves, xyz.* She's got the senior citizen "I'm tired of my husband right now" attitude. If I get there, I'll get there...but to tell a younger woman that is just horrendous, in my mind. She's already got companionship. She's raised her kids successfully to adulthood. She's got the house set, the business set...and to poo-poo marriage cuz she needs space? Sigh.... You know, at the end of the day, even if you are tired of your lack of space for 2/3rds of the day, there is 1/3 of the day you are satisfied in having that loving individual by your side.  I think they project their desires on the single. It's no different than those pushing singles who have no desire to marry or at least, yet, to do so.


 
I highly doubt that she would want to be single, it does get on my last  nerves when married women say things like that, knowing full they would not like to change places with a singleton.


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## Raspberry (Aug 30, 2011)

Love Always said:


> @PinkPebbles, totally agree with everything that you said. I've heard this message over and over again and to be completely honest that message doesn't work and hasn't worked. I know a few women like the one's you described and I feel for them. Their feelings are valid, my feelings are valid and sometimes I think that other Christians like to dismiss a lot of us Single Christian women's feelings. *Especially when they tell us to occupy our time with serving the Lord and being content in our singlesness, a lot of us are already doing this. *
> 
> I appreciate your honesty in your post and I believe that a lot of us single Christian women need to be hearing this because it's real. I wish Bunny77 was here to give her input as well.


I agree with the bolded.. I also think there's practical things about dating/marriage that aren't being addressed... like actually meeting Christian men . Most young Christian women meet their husbands in environments where they are actually in contact with single Christian guys. I just find it kind of strange to talk about dating/marriage like it's purely a spiritual matter.. at some point there has to be some socializing going. Most people don't meet their spouses at the grocery store but in environments where they share friends and/or interests. 

Just an aside: Everyone's time whether married or single should be filled with serving the Lord. I don't believe serving God is just about being in church 24/7 though church is definitely important...


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## Love Always (Aug 30, 2011)

Raspberry:

1st bolded: This is so true, they talk about marriage but they don't tell us the steps to getting married which includes meeting Christian men. I doubt that I will meet my future husband in the four walls of the church and never suscribed to that thinking either. I wish there was an abudance of Christian men in my city especially black men but there's not .   

2nd bolded: When they say this I think that's what they're talking about . 



Raspberry said:


> I agree with the bolded.. I also think there's practical things about dating/marriage that aren't being addressed... like actually meeting Christian men . Most young Christian women meet their husbands in environments where they are actually in contact with single Christian guys.* I just find it kind of strange to talk about dating/marriage like it's purely a spiritual matter.. at some point there has to be some socializing going. *Most people don't meet their spouses at the grocery store but in environments where they share friends and/or interests.
> 
> Just an aside: Everyone's time whether married or single should be filled with serving the Lord. *I don't believe serving God is just about being in church 24/7 though church is definitely important*...


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## Ladybelle (Aug 30, 2011)

PinkPebbles said:


> Ladybelle - I hear you .
> 
> The Christian women that I know in real life particularly at my church are seasoned women in the Lord. I'm the baby amongst them b/c they are in their 40s and 50s.
> 
> ...


 
So, you gonna tell us what you did? 


Help the single ladies out, lol!


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## PinkPebbles (Aug 30, 2011)

Ladybelle said:


> So, you gonna tell us what you did?
> 
> 
> Help the single ladies out, lol!


 
I'll PM you .


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## Raspberry (Aug 30, 2011)

Love Always said:


> @Raspberry:
> 
> 1st bolded: This is so true, they talk about marriage but they don't tell us the steps to getting married which includes meeting Christian men. I doubt that I will meet my future husband in the four walls of the church and never suscribed to that thinking either. I wish there was an abudance of Christian men in my city especially black men but there's not .
> 
> *2nd bolded: When they say this I think that's what they're talking about* .


I believe that we best do the work of the Lord when we do what we know is right according to His Word and are open to being led of the Spirit at all times, and obeying what we know He's leading us to do. 

An interesting thing about the Ruth & Boaz story is that Boaz took notice of Ruth while she was trying to earn a living in the fields (and looking cute while doing so lol), but she wouldn't have met Boaz at all if she hadn't insisted on moving to help Naomi at a vulnerable time in her life.  Naomi was also instrumental in Ruth getting together with Boaz. To me Ruth is a great example of selflessness in serving others and the  supernatural multiplication of blessing that God puts in place if we're  in the right place at the right time. All types of blessings can happen when we make sacrifices and serve others according to the leadings of the Spirit.  You never know what can happen inside or outside of church..it's all about people. I've been blessed with jobs, provision, awesome friendships, etc because of divine appointments with people and the times I've actually obeyed the Spirit instead of ignoring or being lazy (lol).


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## Love Always (Aug 30, 2011)

PinkPebbles, can I have a PM too ?


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## AnjelLuvs (Aug 30, 2011)

*ME TOOO PinkPebbles... *


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## Prudent1 (Aug 30, 2011)

Ladybelle said:


> So, you gonna tell us what you did?
> 
> 
> Help the single ladies out, lol!


 Share, there's no stone throwing here. You may be able to help someone.


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## aribell (Aug 30, 2011)

Marriage is not a martyr's reward.  I think that Christian women fall prey to the temptation to think that there's a connection between their Christian service and God one day rewarding them with a mate.  So if I'm in church enough, pray enough, and perfect myself enough, God will give me a husband.  But no, if the.Lord answers the prayer it is not because we earned it through spiritual activity.

There's a practical component, but more than that is the question of what kind of relationship you're looking for.  Truly godly men don't fall out of the sky everyday.  What is necessary to be settled before God is your devotion to Him, period.  Not your devotion to wifedom or motherhood, but to Him.  Being busy with outward ministry and church activities is not at all the same as pursuing holiness.  

And discover His will.  Get on board with His vision for your life and I think that will help to bring genuine peace which comes from knowing that you are exactly where the Lord would have you be.


Sent from my LS670 using LS670


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## Kinkyhairlady (Aug 31, 2011)

Mis007 said:


> Perhaps if you longed for God more than a husband, you would endure the season of singleness and grow stronger,  look @ it as preparation.



See it's statements like that I don't understand. I long for God but God is not a physical being here on earth. After a while you just want the companionship. How much longing can I do? I pray I go to church I read the bible. I fear and love God what else? I'm drained and I feel like I've been single long enough. The whole time all I have been doing is worshipping God. I've only met losers not once have I met a man who is God fearing. I feel women in the church are single because they are busy worshipping God and patiently waiting but when age starts to creep up on you and you are pushing 40 and you still have not gotten married or had children it really can affect ones emotional and mental state. Some folks don't think it matters how old you are but when you have no children yet I think it is a huge factor. I don't care what the bible says about Sarah and how she had her son at 70 or whatever age she was, that is not the ideal situation for everyone and since our life span is shorter in this day and age that story is not comforting to most women.


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## aribell (Aug 31, 2011)

SuchMagnificance said:


> This is real talk..Im content with myself, have no problem with going out by myself, but the minute I say Im looking for my partner, my better half, I get shut down and usually by people who have a mate.. *The one recurring piece of advice I tend to get it it, "Focus on Yourself, concentrate on making yourself better, get some hobbies, do things that make you happy."* So if Ive done that, then what? Now whats the next piece of advice you plan on giving me? I think its only natural to yearn for a companion and women who are looking for one, shouldnt have their wants sweeped under the rug or dismissed.


 
This advice is common, but backwards...so it's not surprising that the fruit it bears in the lives of women who follow it is bitter.

Our lives are not about ourselves, our ambitions and making ourselves happy.  They are about loving the Lord and loving others as ourselves. Not _doing_ _more _but _loving more.  _There is no bitterness, envy, or doubt where true love abounds.  

Working on oneself incessantly doesn't help one to love better, rather it makes a woman more introspective, self-conscious, prone to discouragement, not to mention increasingly bitter as she meditates on all the things she's done to deserve a spouse--especially when she compares herself to all those other women who aren't as "spiritual" who managed to get married.  And Scripture tells us that such comparisons are unwise.

The Lord always directs us outward.  We are to be filled up with Him and then allow those rivers of living water with which we're filled to flow out into the lives of those around us.  Instead of focusing on making the self happy, I think that much more joy and peace would come from building godly fellowship and living in Christian community, seeking out Christ centered relationships of all sorts, and being open to responding to the needs of those around you (again, not "ministry" necessarily, but people).

(I'm not against being in minstry, btw, but ministry can only be the overflow of, not the substitute for, love of God and love of neighbor.)

I don't recommend TD Jakes in general, but there is a video that really spoke to me at one point:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2wSJNpgJ8I

Blessings.


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## Ladybelle (Aug 31, 2011)

^^ Very interesting perspective & true.  I think the closest I ever get to this is when I fast. I just reach this level of peace, love & understanding that's hard to explain. I'm able to think more about others than myself and actually CARE about humanity. It's an inner thing that happens that causes me to love like I think God intended us. God is love and when we are truly connected to God we become love too, so much so that we can't help but to give love & attract it. 

Thanks for sharing that!


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Aug 31, 2011)

I'm 'pushing' past forty with no husband and no children, and happy to say I’m still in my right mind...God is good and promises to keep me in perfect peace if my mind is stayed on him...

When you say 'busy' worshipping God don't make it sound like it's a chore we were created to worship God and it should be our pleasure to do so... 

Sorry I'm not as diplomatic as some of the others here on the board, sincerely I mean no offense, but from your post it would seem that it's all about you and what you want and when you want it, it is not about you it IS ALL about JESUS...this is not to say that he is not concerned about you or what you want, but what you want MUST line up in accordance to HIS will for your life at this time...

Love is not exhausting, trust me he doesn’t get tired loving us even when wave angry fists at him complaining that he is not moving fast enough to do all we want as quickly as we want it…

I pray that your impatience does not create a wall of separation between you and God and that you would wait on him and not find a mate in your own strength …

I pray that you use this time as a time of preparation for your mate and for marriage, and that you a receptive to a true longing for God and would desire to want to get to know HIM as he desires to make himself known to you, I pray that you find love and fulfillment in HIM while you wait…I pray that you delight yourself in HIM and HE grants the desires of your heart as his word says.

Amen!


Ephesians 3:17-18 says, ‘And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge — that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.’



Kinkyhairlady said:


> See it's statements like that I don't understand. I long for God but God is not a physical being here on earth. After a while you just want the companionship. How much longing can I do? I pray I go to church I read the bible. I fear and love God what else? I'm drained and I feel like I've been single long enough. The whole time all I have been doing is worshipping God. I've only met losers not once have I met a man who is God fearing. I feel women in the church are single because they are busy worshipping God and patiently waiting but when age starts to creep up on you and you are pushing 40 and you still have not gotten married or had children it really can affect ones emotional and mental state. Some folks don't think it matters how old you are but when you have no children yet I think it is a huge factor. I don't care what the bible says about Sarah and how she had her son at 70 or whatever age she was, that is not the ideal situation for everyone and since our life span is shorter in this day and age that story is not comforting to most women.


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Aug 31, 2011)

Yes and Amen to everything that you said...omgoodness

We are being taught falsely, even by our Pastors, it is *NOT* about us...everything is geared towards 'self' that our motives have become selfish, which is not of God....



nicola.kirwan said:


> This advice is common, but backwards...so it's not surprising that the fruit it bears in the lives of women who follow it is bitter.
> 
> Our lives are not about ourselves, our ambitions and making ourselves happy. They are about loving the Lord and loving others as ourselves. Not _doing_ _more _but _loving more. _There is no bitterness, envy, or doubt where true love abounds.
> 
> ...


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## Mis007 (Aug 31, 2011)

Kinkyhairlady said:


> See it's statements like that I don't understand. I long for God but God is not a physical being here on earth. After a while you just want the companionship. How much longing can I do? I pray I go to church I read the bible. I fear and love God what else? I'm drained and I feel like I've been single long enough. The whole time all I have been doing is worshipping God. I've only met losers not once have I met a man who is God fearing. I feel women in the church are single because they are busy worshipping God and patiently waiting but when age starts to creep up on you and you are pushing 40 and you still have not gotten married or had children* it really can affect ones emotional and mental state.* *Some folks don't think it matters how old you are but when you have no children yet I think it is a huge factor.* I don't care what the bible says about Sarah and how she had her son at 70 or whatever age she was, that is not the ideal situation for everyone and since our life span is shorter in this day and age that story is not comforting to most women.


 
It only becomes a huge factor because as singles we often feel marginalised from the culture of heavy emphasis on the physical family.  Rather than dread the season your in think of it as being  equal to the calling of married life. Both provide an opportunity to live for Jesus (though you have more freedom as a single).


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## Laela (Aug 31, 2011)

woah...that's real talk right there... Amein. We do ourselves a terrible injustice, comparing our lives to those of others OR trying to adhere to 'age-specific' dictates by the world's standards. Sarah had her baby at an age that people today can't accept, but it was in GOD's time, not hers. Believe it or not, miracles still happen today! Faith results in miracles and can move mountains. Disbelief is astounding these days..  


I remember that TD Jakes video...  very powerful stuff and I hope others get the chance to see it, to be blessed just the same, as it addresses some serious (hidden) issues. That word hit the core of my being, too.




nicola.kirwan said:


> *Working on oneself incessantly doesn't help one to love better, rather it makes a woman more introspective, self-conscious, prone to discouragement, not to mention increasingly bitter as she meditates on all the things she's done to deserve a spouse*--especially when she compares herself to all those other women who aren't as "spiritual" who managed to get married. And Scripture tells us that such comparisons are unwise.


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## dicapr (Aug 31, 2011)

I am in my mid thirties and still very single.  The Lord revealed to me how Satan was using my singleness as a weapon against me.  Firstly, my focus on being married superceeded my focus on what I needed to focus on to become closer to God.  I began equating God sending me a mate as proof of his love for me.  The lack of a relationship began to fester and become an obsticle in my relationship with God.  The lack of a mate was "proof" that God was not providing for me what I "needed".  Satan went on to try and decieve my by placing it in my heart that if God was not providing for my "needs" why was I a Christian.  It was not until I realized that 1) Marriage had become an idol and god before God and 2) I was listening to a spirit of discouragement that I was able to clearly see what was happening.  While I still desire a husband, I realize that anything that is placed before God is something that I am not ready to recieve.  I had started to believe that God was not enough for me to be whole-I needed something other than God to complete me.  I came to realize that Satan was using my desire for companionship to turn me away from the greatest companionship I could ever know.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 1, 2011)

Raspberry said:


> [/B][/I]Paul put the Kingdom above everything else in his life and from his perspective, being single allows one to pursue God's purposes with no distractions. What he said was not a commandment but his personal preference.. as stated in the passage above. But he is also practical, in that if you can't control yourself sexually (or deal with lifelong celibacy), then you need to get married.
> 
> 
> .



This is what I think the problem is in a nutshell. Folks want a mate so they can have sex. I see tons of posts about wanting to have a mate to cook and clean for and all that.  I'm not saying everyone feels this way, but by and large this is the problem.    I'm actually frightened by the focus on getting a man these days. Especially since men aren't nearly as focused on having a woman and since we are seeing more and more stories about trifling men.  

I love being single.  I'm not having to deal with the emotional heartache that comes from torn and broken relationships.   I have the chance to really enjoy life.  I don't understand someone who puts their life on hold so some pants can come along and create a bunch of unnecessary drama. 

One of my dear friends always says that she would never have gotten married if she knew then what she knows now. And she has a good marriage, but it's draining on her. Marriage is draining on women in general.  And marriage CAN divide your heart towards God.  That same friend still makes time each day to be alone and focus on God. But most women don't do that once getting married. They aren't willing to make the commitment to do it. Instead they are caught up with making their husband happy and taking care of him.  

Sorry for the rant, but this subject is a sore spot for me because I don't understand why women are always so focused on men.  It's not even that serious.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 1, 2011)

Guitarhero said:


> Marriage is so important in G-d's plan...



I don't agree with this at all. Nothing I have ever read indicates that. 

I think that's something man has come up with, especially women,  to justify their desire for a mate.


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## softblackcotton (Sep 1, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> This is what I think the problem is in a nutshell. Folks want a mate so they can have sex. I see tons of posts about wanting to have a mate to cook and clean for and all that.  I'm not saying everyone feels this way, but by and large this is the problem.    I'm actually frightened by the focus on getting a man these days. Especially since men aren't nearly as focused on having a woman and since we are seeing more and more stories about trifling men.
> 
> I love being single.  I'm not having to deal with the emotional heartache that comes from torn and broken relationships.   I have the chance to really enjoy life.  I don't understand someone who puts their life on hold so some pants can come along and create a bunch of unnecessary drama.
> 
> ...



This is my favorite reply in the whole thread far. Thank you!


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## dicapr (Sep 1, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> This is what I think the problem is in a nutshell. Folks want a mate so they can have sex. I see tons of posts about wanting to have a mate to cook and clean for and all that. I'm not saying everyone feels this way, but by and large this is the problem. I'm actually frightened by the focus on getting a man these days. Especially since men aren't nearly as focused on having a woman and since we are seeing more and more stories about trifling men.
> 
> I love being single. I'm not having to deal with the emotional heartache that comes from torn and broken relationships. I have the chance to really enjoy life. I don't understand someone who puts their life on hold so some pants can come along and create a bunch of unnecessary drama.
> 
> ...


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 1, 2011)

dicapr said:


> It is because for many women it is about marriage not men.  I know that sounds contradictory but it is true.  Depending on where you are living, marriage is a passport into the community.  The church is often dedicated to programs that strenghthen the family and marriages.  There are very few or any programs dedicated to singles in the church.  Some women you would love to be friends with are uncomfortable about having a single woman around thier husbands.  Even when you are invited to socialize it is to family friendly events (so thier children can have fun) without taking into consideration that watching thier kids at playland is not something you will enjoy on the regular basis.  These singles are also faced with discrimmination at work because they are told that they can work the cruddy shifts because they have no one at home.  Even family members who are married will let someone know during the holidays that they need "family" time.  Then there is the silly view that somehow singles in general have less of a burden than married individuals.
> Everything they go through is somehow less because they do not have a
> husband and kids.  In order to be seen as a full member of thier community
> they need to be married.  Add to that someone who is practicing celebacy and
> ...


It's all in what you allow people to get away with.  As for holidays, does your own family not get together?   Honestly it sounds as if you are friends with people who may not care about you in general.  

But getting married should not be the solution. Marriage is not something to enter into because you are lonely and feeling isolated.  

You should take time to make your life more fun and active. Find new friends.


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## Guitarhero (Sep 1, 2011)

Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> *I'm not hearing faith in here..*.
> 
> Not having a husband should not be thought of as a life of doom or a curse...Mortal man can not make you complete or whole, only God can do that...
> 
> ...



With all due respect, some of these girls here have never had sex, have never been married nor even properly dated a guy...true virgins.  44 and sexually experienced versus virgin and young desiring marriage because it's biology are two different things.  I'm not trying to be harsh...but if you open your ears just a little wider, you'll hear all types of faith.  How?  They are going to G-d first and being honest with Him.      Secondly, they are doing what He recommended which is seeking wise cousel.  Thirdly, they are open to pray again and are expressing their desire, hoping that a marriage will come about.  Faith = hope of that which we cannot see.


It's always easier to see a situation from the other side of the fence when you've been on both sides already.


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## Mis007 (Sep 1, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> This is what I think the problem is in a nutshell. Folks want a mate so they can have sex. I see tons of posts about wanting to have a mate to cook and clean for and all that. I'm not saying everyone feels this way, but by and large this is the problem. I'm actually frightened by the focus on getting a man these days. Especially since men aren't nearly as focused on having a woman and since we are seeing more and more stories about trifling men.
> 
> I love being single. I'm not having to deal with the emotional heartache that comes from torn and broken relationships. I have the chance to really enjoy life. I don't understand someone who puts their life on hold so some pants can come along and create a bunch of unnecessary drama.
> 
> ...


 
Clearly not you, however, many do desire a spouse also it is possible for one to be happily taken and loving God at the same time.


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## Guitarhero (Sep 1, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> I don't agree with this at all. Nothing I have ever read indicates that.
> 
> I think that's something man has come up with, especially women,  to justify their desire for a mate.



That's fine you don't agree.  However, scripture supports the sanctity of marriage all the time...."husbands, love your wives...husbands, respect your wives....husbands....."  The church supports the sanctity of marriage as a direct result.  Search the scriptures.    But if you don't desire marriage, that has nothing to do with you, it has something to do with those who have chosen the vocation of marriage.  There is no mandate that YOU have to get married.  G-d provides guidelines for all of us to live by.  I don't support telling others they should or should not marry.

In general for the discussion:

Sex is a part of marriage.  We are naturally geared to procreate.  That cannot occur without sex.  It's a very sacred part of marriage and if women are wanting to have sex (and men), then we are following the natural order.  It basically has nothing to do with religion because there are so many, as well as desire for sex and marriage where there is lack of religious belief.  We know that the faith handed down to us is for a more complete life, which is G-d's desire for us all, so that's why our marriages go hand-in-hand with our faith.  In other words, there is a higher way.

If there is no desire for sex, people simply would not marry and they would not fulfill that world command in general to be fruitful and multiply.  Of course, it's not for everyone, which is understandable.  But it is a big part of life.  Afterall, we wouldn't have gotten here.  It's not wrong to desire marriage to have a physical relationship.  Certainly, most people want the relationship going along with it.  But it's more commendable for a man/woman to wait to be in holy matrimony to have their first sexual experience, with fidelity henceforth.


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## dicapr (Sep 1, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> It's all in what you allow people to get away with. As for holidays, does your own family not get together? Honestly it sounds as if you are friends with people who may not care about you in general.
> 
> But getting married should not be the solution. Marriage is not something to enter into because you are lonely and feeling isolated.
> 
> You should take time to make your life more fun and active. Find new friends.


 
You don't seem to understand that someone's situation is not like your own. I think you and I have had a conversation before about how some christian communities and communities in general (especially in the South) treat single women. But you just cannot comprehend the problem we face.I had a friend with a similar attitude from a supportive community move down to the area in which I live. She ended up moving back home because she couldn't deal with the isolation singles in this area have to live with. My family does care for me but my family will and has told me that they need to have family with their spouses and children during holiday time-which does not include me. They work competing shifts and opposite weekends and sometimes they need time to reconnect with their spouses and children. Many times when siblings get married everyone else becomes extended family while their spouses and children are seen as nuclear family. I don't have a problem with that priniciple because it is biblical. However, that doesn't keep me from scrambling to find somewhere to be on some holidays. Having fun and finding more "friends" is not the issue. You will see that the older you get the less single friends are available to you. With married friends you find that you will sooner or later have to deal with the husband and kids issue. You seem young. The single journey evolves and changes as you get older. There is also the pressure of your biological clock-if you want to have biological children. You do not have forever and some of us know that our time is running out. It was easy to be carefree and single in my twenties. Now that I am nearing the big 40, it is a different set of rules, emotions and opportunities. I believe that you stated that you personally have no desire to marry. I believe that also gives you a different view point on the issue. If you have no desire for that type of lifestyle it will be difficult to understand those who desire to be married.  Truthfully, I desire marriage for companionship.  I want someone who I can share my life with.  I want to travel and would love to have a travel partner for life.  But I am also truthful enough to admit it would be nice to have someone to be with during the holidays, someone to check on me when I am sick, and have my church community be more relevant to me than it is now.  My point is that the desire for marriage is multifacinated and not just the desire for a man or sex as you seem to simplify it into being.  It is a complicated issue.


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## hair_rehab (Sep 1, 2011)

The fact that we live in a fallen world that is moving farther and farther away from God causes things like finding a quality mate to become very difficult, not to mention that people who are single are looked down upon in society. The women we see in the bible who were barren and wanted children is no different from today's women who want to get married and have children. See Hannah: http://www.wordlibrary.co.uk/article.php?id=161 

It seems that the best thing for single women to do is to remain content in their current state and still express their desires to God without becoming bitter.


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Sep 1, 2011)

Actually no, I have not been on both sides already, I have never been married…

Are you saying because I’m 44 (almost) and have had sexual experience I don’t desire marriage and my biological clock has stopped ticking, it’s good for me then I do not believe in biology clocks, society/the world  will not dictate to me which age is appropriate for me to marry..

I disagree with you my ears are wide opened, I just don’t hear what you hear, I hear selfishness and though the voice is whispering I also  hear; ‘ I want to have sex ‘, I even hear a bit of anger towards God…



Guitarhero said:


> With all due respect, some of these girls here have never had sex, have never been married nor even properly dated a guy...true virgins. 44 and sexually experienced versus virgin and young desiring marriage because it's biology are two different things. I'm not trying to be harsh...but if you open your ears just a little wider, you'll hear all types of faith. How? They are going to G-d first and being honest with Him.  Secondly, they are doing what He recommended which is seeking wise cousel. Thirdly, they are open to pray again and are expressing their desire, hoping that a marriage will come about. Faith = hope of that which we cannot see.
> 
> 
> It's always easier to see a situation from the other side of the fence when you've been on both sides already.


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## StarScream35 (Sep 1, 2011)

I'm confused...............there are plenty of women who have lots of sex and still desire marriage. Are you saying many women who desire marriage, want so only to have sex? I think there is more to it than that but then I could be misunderstanding the argument. I know for me, I want to love and be loved. Unconditional love (family, friends. Christ) is wonderful but I think conditional love must be intoxicating and that is something I desire. In fact its so intoxicating, it causes people to write poems, sing and write songs, people's hearts skip beats etc so conditional love is a powerful thing and I think many us are biologically programmed to want that. The situation becomes intense when you want it and aren't getting it and the odds are stacked against you. Not saying that it won't happen but if you are nearing lets say 45 and something that is biologically programmed into you is not given the opportunity to develop or serve its biological purpose, you probably will hear some moaning and groaning and b*tching. Just my two cents. I could get into biology and survival of the fittest and so forth but it will just drag on and on. Hope I made sense though.


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## LucieLoo12 (Sep 1, 2011)

I guess the bottomline of it all is this....."Nevertheless, let your (God's) will, be done and not mine.." Thats the mindset we have to have about EVERYTHING, not just marriage...

2 Timothy 2 v 3-4
*3*Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ. 
*4No man that warreth entangleth himself with the affairs of this life; that* he may please him who hath chosen him to be a soldier. 

Entangle means 
1. Cause to become twisted together with or caught in.
2. Involve (someone) in difficulties or complicated circumstances

We shouldnt be bogged down with NOTHING...He said "Cast your care upon me"....you got to cast it upon him and *LEAVE it with him*...

All of this is doubt and worry all stems from a lack of Trust in God. 

Trust:_a_ *:* assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something _b_ *:* one in which confidence is placed 

*:* dependence on something future or contingent *:* hope 

_(1)_ *:* a charge or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition of some relationship _(2)_ *:* something committed or entrusted to one to be used or cared for in the interest of another 


Once again, its not wrong to desire marriage, but dont let it bring you into despair if you are not married. True faith is believing when u dont see..and just having the mindset "God if you dont bless me with that husband, I will still serve You"


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## LivingDoll (Sep 1, 2011)

SuchMagnificance said:


> This is real talk..Im content with myself, have no problem with going out by myself, *but the minute I say Im looking for my partner, my better half, I get shut down and usually by people who have a mate*.. The one recurring piece of advice I tend to get it it, "Focus on Yourself, concentrate on making yourself better, get some hobbies, do things that make you happy." So if Ive done that, then what? Now whats the next piece of advice you plan on giving me? I think its only natural to yearn for a companion and women who are looking for one, shouldnt have their wants sweeped under the rug or dismissed.


 
I just wanted to say that I most definitely 1000% agree with you on this.


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## Guitarhero (Sep 1, 2011)

Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> Actually no, I have not been on both sides already, I have never been married…
> 
> Are you saying* because I’m 44 (almost) and have had sexual experience I don’t desire marriage and my biological clock has stopped ticking,* it’s good for me then I do not believe in biology clocks, society/the world  will not dictate to me which age is appropriate for me to marry..
> 
> I disagree with you my ears are wide opened, I just don’t hear what you hear, I hear selfishness and though the voice is whispering I also  hear; ‘ I want to have sex ‘, I even hear a bit of anger towards God…


B

No, not at all.  Biological clocks meaning, related to wanting children. But you have had sexual experience...that's the side.  It doesn't do a single woman with no sexual experience any good to poo-poo and minimalize the marriage and/or sexual experience when you have already had it.  My thing is this, unless christians are going around with a face masque of "happy-go-lucky," then they feel guilty about it.  If they are unfulfilled in some area, then they feel like a traitor to G-d about it cuz too many have been erroneously taught that to express their pain is anti-G-d.  That's not the christian walk, imho and in my camp.  The christian walk is a human walk and the only difference truly between believers and non-believers is Jesus.  We are all the same and our psychology doesn't go away.  


Talking about it and working through the issues, the fear, the pains, the joys, uncertainty...they are all a part of that christian walk. They are saying, "it hurts G-d, I don't understand it, I feel scared despite my knowledge that I am trusting you. Can You help me through it?"  They are real but the test is the source they are seeking...Him!!   For someone who has experienced it to say, "it's not much, you can keep going on without or pass," is kinda horrible, particulary given their age difference.     We are individuals.  


What I'm saying is that it's not a sin to recognize where, who and what you are in life.  Know thyself...tis the key to growth.  Exploring it is not distrust in G-d because anyone truly honest is going to see his own shortcomings.  I say that the people who openly admit what they feel and fear are closer to Him than those who mistakenly feel that concealing true inner feelings are a demonstration of the best christian walk.  No.  G-d requires honesty and there are many here honest with how they feel.  I also suspec there to be many who hide these desires deep within because they have lost faith or have given up or been hurt.


If one is dissing G-d, then they wouldn't ask for counsel.  The very fact they they are looking into scripture, praying, seeking His will and openly confessing their g-d-made humanity reveals much about their character.  The easy life of few troubles is great...but the one wrought with many troubles is often walked by those who are closest to Him.    I'm not talking about sin.  This is similar to my previous post about the senior citizen who advised to stay single cuz she's tired of her husband even though he's a great man.   She's in her older years with companionship telling a much younger woman to go it alone because of how SHE feels.    Two separate lives and desires.


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## LivingDoll (Sep 1, 2011)

dicapr said:


> You don't seem to understand that someone's situation is not like your own. I think you and I have had a conversation before about how some christian communities and communities in general (especially in the South) treat single women. But you just cannot comprehend the problem we face.I had a friend with a similar attitude from a supportive community move down to the area in which I live. She ended up moving back home because she couldn't deal with the isolation singles in this area have to live with. My family does care for me but my family will and has told me that they need to have family with their spouses and children during holiday time-which does not include me. They work competing shifts and opposite weekends and sometimes they need time to reconnect with their spouses and children. Many times when siblings get married everyone else becomes extended family while their spouses and children are seen as nuclear family. I don't have a problem with that priniciple because it is biblical. However, that doesn't keep me from scrambling to find somewhere to be on some holidays. Having fun and finding more "friends" is not the issue. *You will see that the older you get the less single friends are available to you. With married friends you find that you will sooner or later have to deal with the husband and kids issue.* You seem young. *The single journey evolves and changes as you get older.* There is also the pressure of your biological clock-if you want to have biological children. *You do not have forever and some of us know that our time is running out. It was easy to be carefree and single in my twenties. Now that I am nearing the big 40, it is a different set of rules, emotions and opportunities.* I believe that you stated that you personally have no desire to marry. I believe that also gives you a different view point on the issue. *If you have no desire for that type of lifestyle it will be difficult to understand those who desire to be married.* *Truthfully, I desire marriage for companionship.* I want someone who I can share my life with. I want to travel and would love to have a travel partner for life. *But I am also truthful enough to admit it would be nice to have someone to be with during the holidays, someone to check on me when I am sick, and have my church community be more relevant to me than it is now.* My point is that the desire for marriage is multifaceted  and not just the desire for a man or sex as you seem to simplify it into being. It is a complicated issue.


 
Thanks for this. I couldn't have said it any better. WE ARE >>>HERE<<<. Especially the bolded points.  BTW, i'm 37.


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## Guitarhero (Sep 1, 2011)

I've edited my post a billion times, as usual....but I will say that how and what we hear is often based upon our outlook toward life and how we view others.  Is that glass 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?  Is that person nearly fabulously dressed or are they mostly disheveled because of an imperfection?  Could the grass be greener or the flower still beautiful or are they 1/2 dead?  I disagree that dissatisfaction is anger and accusation towards G-d. Maybe the person is angry they are in this situation while remaining prayerful and hopeful?  There are plenty of cool cucumbers out there absolutely seething with true anger internally.  I think it's best to get it on the outside and explore it, talk about it and find solutions.


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## makeupgirl (Sep 1, 2011)

Mis007 said:


> Perhaps if you longed for God more than a husband, you would endure the season of singleness and grow stronger, look @ it as preparation.


 
Definitely gave me something to think about.  I may need to evaluate some things.


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## StarScream35 (Sep 1, 2011)

SuchMagnificance

I looooved your post cause like you said, it's real talk. I have no prob going out to the movies alone, going out to eat alone but it does get lonely sometimes and I do long for someone and the minute I vocalize this, here come all that extra stuff..........be happy with yourself, travel, concentrate on you...........really? What do you think I have been doing all this time? And I love the whole thing about travel and see the world.  My God that one is seriously overrated!! I have to wonder if people give such repetitve answers to single women because they really don't want to deal with  what's going on or if deep down they think you might steal their man so they tell you all this stuff like don't worry be happy? I dunno, it makes me wonder though. And you are right, it's always the women who have mates who are like be patient, stay calm.............etc. Bottom line, for sistas dating is difficult and finding a mate is EXTREMELY difficult. It's sad!!


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 1, 2011)

Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> Actually no, I have not been on both sides already, I have never been married…
> 
> Are you saying because I’m 44 (almost) and have had sexual experience I don’t desire marriage and my biological clock has stopped ticking, it’s good for me then I do not believe in biology clocks, society/the world will not dictate to me which age is appropriate for me to marry..
> 
> I disagree with you my ears are wide opened, I just don’t hear what you hear, I hear selfishness and though the voice is whispering I also hear; ‘ I want to have sex ‘, I even hear a bit of anger towards God…


 I agree.  That's exactly what it seems like to me.  

God is not stupid.  He cannot be fooled.  People need to examine their true reasons for wanting marriage and truly examine their approach to God on the matter.  Most of the posts I have seen have definitely displayed anger towards God.  I'm not saying that humans never feel frustrated with God, but they also should be honest with themselves about their feelings.  Trying to stay in denial about it doesn't help.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 1, 2011)

dicapr said:


> You don't seem to understand that someone's situation is not like your own. I think you and I have had a conversation before about how some christian communities and communities in general (especially in the South) treat single women. But you just cannot comprehend the problem we face.I had a friend with a similar attitude from a supportive community move down to the area in which I live. She ended up moving back home because she couldn't deal with the isolation singles in this area have to live with. My family does care for me but my family will and has told me that they need to have family with their spouses and children during holiday time-which does not include me. They work competing shifts and opposite weekends and sometimes they need time to reconnect with their spouses and children. Many times when siblings get married everyone else becomes extended family while their spouses and children are seen as nuclear family. I don't have a problem with that priniciple because it is biblical. However, that doesn't keep me from scrambling to find somewhere to be on some holidays. Having fun and finding more "friends" is not the issue. You will see that the older you get the less single friends are available to you. With married friends you find that you will sooner or later have to deal with the husband and kids issue. You seem young. The single journey evolves and changes as you get older. There is also the pressure of your biological clock-if you want to have biological children. You do not have forever and some of us know that our time is running out. It was easy to be carefree and single in my twenties. Now that I am nearing the big 40, it is a different set of rules, emotions and opportunities. I believe that you stated that you personally have no desire to marry. I believe that also gives you a different view point on the issue. If you have no desire for that type of lifestyle it will be difficult to understand those who desire to be married. Truthfully, I desire marriage for companionship. I want someone who I can share my life with. I want to travel and would love to have a travel partner for life. But I am also truthful enough to admit it would be nice to have someone to be with during the holidays, someone to check on me when I am sick, and have my church community be more relevant to me than it is now. My point is that the desire for marriage is multifacinated and not just the desire for a man or sex as you seem to simplify it into being. It is a complicated issue.


 I'm 31.  I can be honest and say I have no desire for children.  So I don't have that biological clock ticking.  I also live in the South.  I just don't see what you are talking about on a regular basis.  The only time I see behavior like that is with women who are so hung up on a man that in their eyes not having one is akin to not having much of an existence.  Where I am, single women are too busy going on trips, shopping, building great careers, to be focused on this type of thing.  

 What I can say is that the statement: "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" is very true.  Wallowing in misery and blaming your single state for your social problems is a waste of time and energy.  Your life is what you make of it.  If you continue trying to be around the same people, and they continue to shut you out, then you DO need to move into a different circle.  I recognize that family traditions on holidays are different.  But I can't really picture family telling someone not ot come over on a holiday because they want to be alone with their families.  There's more to that in my opinion.  But you can only blame yourself for allowing it to get you down.  Make plans to go somewhere nice for the holiday.  You don't have to stay at home.  Or invite people to YOUR place and cook a big holiday meal.  God is not standing in the way of you making choices that help you to feel less lonely and isolated.  

As for kids, even though adoption isn't for everyone, and it is sometimes a complicated process, it IS an option.  I firmly believe that God wants more people to be willing to pursue that option instead of just automatically assuming they have to have their own biological child.  If yu truly love children, you have other avenues in which to nurture and love a child.  

I'm sorry but the pity party doesn't work.  Everyone's situation IS different, but there are also things you can do to hange.  But you (and others)  can't be mad because your life isn't as fulfilling as you would like because you have put it on hold waiting for God to do your bidding.  He's not on your time table.


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## makeupgirl (Sep 1, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> This is what I think the problem is in a nutshell. Folks want a mate so they can have sex. I see tons of posts about wanting to have a mate to cook and clean for and all that. I'm not saying everyone feels this way, but by and large this is the problem. I'm actually frightened by the focus on getting a man these days. Especially since men aren't nearly as focused on having a woman and since we are seeing more and more stories about trifling men.
> 
> I love being single. I'm not having to deal with the emotional heartache that comes from torn and broken relationships. I have the chance to really enjoy life. I don't understand someone who puts their life on hold so some pants can come along and create a bunch of unnecessary drama.
> 
> ...


 
nathansgirl1908

How can you say that marriage is draining and it divides your heart from God?  Have you ever been married before or you're just basing it off your friends experience.  Unless you experienced marriage for yourself, your friends experience means nothing, because it's not your experience and your knowledge.  

As for your disagreement that Marriage isn't God's plan. I'm sorry but our opinions doesn't not matter to the word of God.  Scripture trumps human mind each time.  Man cannot understand why the union of marriage is so important to God.  Ok all of the plans that God has for us is not understood by man.  It's not about us, everything that was done from beginning to end; from genesis to revelation is about Jesus Christ, the bright and morning star.  

Marriage represents the covenant relationship between Christ being the head and the body of Christ (believers in Christ) being the bride.  

Read Ephesians 5:24-27; 2 Corinthians 11:2; Revelation 19:7-9, 21:1-2, 22:20


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## makeupgirl (Sep 1, 2011)

Ladies, once you have accepted and received Christ as your Lord and Savior, you're engaged spiritually. We're going to be married regardless because we're apart of the bride/body of Christ. 

As the bride, we're waiting with great anticipating to be reunited with our groom who is Jesus Christ. Do you ever feel an impatient moment where you wish Jesus would come and get us now? Well, that's because we're aching to be reunited with him spiritually. 

If we're not faithful to him, who is our spiritual bridegroom, while here on earth; then how can God entrust us with our earthly husband? 

It's not about, what we think. God's way, his plan, his purpose, his design is for his glorification; but as his kids, his lets us in on it according to his will. 

Why marriages or anything fail? Because they haven't let Christ in on the plan. Everything now has to be Christ-centered, because he knows how everything works and how to make it successful. But also they failed because of impatience. I mean, we're selfish creatures, we got some issues. 

I sit back and think what if this or that about marriage but I don't think I ever thought about whether or not I included God in those plans. That's definitely a dis-service to him as our creator. 

Romans 1:25 (KJV) "Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen."

If we worship and serve the act of marriage more than God who created marriage, then we have a serious problem here. 

As of right now, I am happy to let go my obssesiveness with being married because I need time to get to know my God first and foremost. (i've been saved almost 10 years and I'm just figuring that out, wow) I believe in my heart that God has a plan for me to be married but there is a difference between me being ready and him knowing that I'm ready. I may still need to grow a lot first. Even now, at home I'm still without cable and internet, but it's letting me appreciate what I have more because I didn't have it before technology really took over. Sometimes we just got to stop and think about what God has for us instead of what we want him to have for us. Then everything else will click into play, so to speak. (lets hope I keep this mindset when the cable and internet do come back on)

Matt 6:33 says point blank "see ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you" 

So ladies, I challenge you that we all do this together. 

1) confess unconfessed sin 
2) tell God how you feel about marriage and the guy and then leave it alone
3) restart or renew your relationship with Christ
4) take care of yourself, physically, spiritually, mentally
5) get to know yourself
6) also love yourself 
7) learn how to be content in your current season of singleness

As I type this, I am not thinking of this of my own accord (i'm not that smart when I have too much caffeine, lol) Which allows me to believe that this is God's message for all of us, including me. Let's just continue to cheer each other on and be supportive to each other. 

More importantly we just trust and believe God, without that it's just an empty canvas without the paint. 

Ok ladies, I gotta go because I only have 7 mins left on my lunch break. 

Love ya!!!!!!


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## Guitarhero (Sep 1, 2011)

Brighteyes35 said:


> SuchMagnificance
> 
> I looooved your post cause like you said, it's real talk. I have no prob going out to the movies alone, going out to eat alone but it does get lonely sometimes and I do long for someone and the minute I vocalize this, here come all that extra stuff..........be happy with yourself, travel, concentrate on you...........really? What do you think I have been doing all this time? And I love the whole thing about travel and see the world.  My God that one is seriously overrated!! I have to wonder if people give such repetitve answers to single women because they really don't want to deal with  what's going on or if deep down they think you might steal their man so they tell you all this stuff like don't worry be happy? I dunno, it makes me wonder though. And you are right, it's always the women who have mates who are like be patient, stay calm.............etc. Bottom line, for sistas dating is difficult and finding a mate is EXTREMELY difficult. It's sad!!



Not talking about anyone here, but I've often wondered in my own life if those several individuals were worried that I'd find a better situation than them? 

.............I'll address it in the other thread.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 1, 2011)

Um it's clear from scripture that marriage can be considered as something that divides your heart from God. Look around at these posts.  The bitterness towards God just because He hasnt sent a mate is palpable. Once that mate comes, it is likely that the focus will be on that mate.  Just the process of desiring a mate has caused hearts to be divided from God.  

And I can say marriage is draining because I see SEVERAL people going through. Marriage is WORK.  And women bear the brunt and weight of marriages.  That's just reality. You don't have to be married to see that.  

Also, I said that I disagree that marriage is an important Part of God's plan.  My reading of the Word has never given me that feeling.  Ever.  People can find scriptures that appear to make it that way, but that's because they want to be married. 




makeupgirl said:


> nathansgirl1908
> 
> How can you say that marriage is draining and it divides your heart from God?  Have you ever been married before or you're just basing it off your friends experience.  Unless you experienced marriage for yourself, your friends experience means nothing, because it's not your experience and your knowledge.
> 
> ...


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 1, 2011)

Guitarhero said:


> Not talking about anyone here, but I've often wondered in my own life if those several individuals were worried that I'd find a better situation than them?
> 
> .............I'll address it in the other thread.



No, it's because they either had to learn patience themselves or because they know the reality of marriage. REAL marriage. Not the fairy tale marriage being desired in here.


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## CandiceC (Sep 1, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> Um it's clear from scripture that marriage can be considered as something that divides your heart from God. Look around at these posts.  The bitterness towards God just because He hasnt sent a mate is palpable. Once that mate comes, it is likely that the focus will be on that mate.  Just the process of desiring a mate has caused hearts to be divided from God.
> 
> And I can say marriage is draining because I see SEVERAL people going through. Marriage is WORK.  And women bear the brunt and weight of marriages.  That's just reality. You don't have to be married to see that.
> 
> Also, I said that I disagree that marriage is an important Part of God's plan.  My reading of the Word has never given me that feeling.  Ever.  People can find scriptures that appear to make it that way, but that's because they want to be married.



I agree with you that marriage is work and at times it can be draining. It's been six years for me and my marriage has actually drawn me closer to God for strength and to trust Him to work out certain conflicts. And what I've learned has spilled over into other areas of my life as well. I can seek to draw closer to God in other circumstances of course, but I'm just saying to share my experience. I had things pretty easy growing up so conflict within my marriage made me realize life isn't all roses and I need God more than anything regardless of what's going on. 


As for the other part. Marriage _is_ an important part of God's plan. It's a part. Not His complete plan. I don't think anyone is saying that. Otherwise there wouldn't be a such thing as people having the gift of singleness like Paul. That's an important part too. 

I agree with what makeupgirl says about marriage symbolizing God's covenant with the church. 

It also fits in with God wanting us to reproduce more people to love, worship and fellowship with Him starting with Adam and Eve. The bible says fornication is a sin so those that follow along with that and wish to reproduce can get married, have sex and reproduce within that union. 

Of course people are born outside of wedlock, but God designed sex for marriage and it is a way reproduce without sinning. 

Marriage also is a way to avoid fornication (and good for those that choose to be faithful and avoid adultery as well.) Paul said for those that can't contain themselves it is better to marry than to burn with passion.


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## Raspberry (Sep 1, 2011)

I believe that asking for wisdom in all aspects of our live is paramount. This verse keeps popping in my head while reading this thread:

7   Wisdom _is_ the principal thing;    
_Therefore_ get wisdom.  
      And in all your getting, get understanding.  
Proverbs 4:7

The bible says we can ask God for wisdom and he will give it, we can also ask God to give us wisdom to prepare to receive dreams and desires we have on our hearts in practical terms. Be specific in your prayers and act on the practical things you feel God drops in your spirit. Sometimes we get it wrong but acting in faith is important for spiritual growth.



CandiceC said:


> I agree with you that marriage is work and at times it can be draining. It's been six years for me and my marriage has actually drawn me closer to God for strength and to trust Him to work out certain conflicts. And what I've learned has spilled over into other areas of my life as well. I can seek to draw closer to God in other circumstances of course, but I'm just saying to share my experience. I had things pretty easy growing up so conflict within my marriage made me realize life isn't all roses and I need God more than anything regardless of what's going on.
> 
> 
> As for the other part. Marriage _is_ an important part of God's plan. It's a part. Not His complete plan. I don't think anyone is saying that. Otherwise there wouldn't be a such thing as people having the gift of singleness like Paul. That's an important part too.
> ...


Insightful comments CandiceC . I've always felt that marriage and children stretches one's spiritual maturity in ways that being single and childless do not. There's definitely pros and cons to each situation. 

In general we get the most testing and blessing through other people IMO (not just in marriage and family but through all of our relationships) and that's all part of God's plan for His children and His church. 

I'm glad you brought up the role of sex within marriage, previous comments in this thread seem to dismiss sexual desire as something shameful or irrelevant but to deny the validity of the sexual urge is a mistake IMO. Of course making an idol out of lust is wrong but it is perfectly normal to want to have sex and wanting to get married and have great sex with your covenant partner. We are all created with emotional and biological/sexual desires .. what I'm learning in every aspect of my life is that God wants us to trust Him with our worries, desires, dreams and that His grace truly is more than enough, not just a welfare plan for those who can't get what they want.


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## dicapr (Sep 1, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> I'm 31. I can be honest and say I have no desire for children. So I don't have that biological clock ticking. I also live in the South. I just don't see what you are talking about on a regular basis. The only time I see behavior like that is with women who are so hung up on a man that in their eyes not having one is akin to not having much of an existence. Where I am, single women are too busy going on trips, shopping, building great careers, to be focused on this type of thing.
> 
> What I can say is that the statement: "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" is very true. Wallowing in misery and blaming your single state for your social problems is a waste of time and energy. Your life is what you make of it. If you continue trying to be around the same people, and they continue to shut you out, then you DO need to move into a different circle. I recognize that family traditions on holidays are different. But I can't really picture family telling someone not ot come over on a holiday because they want to be alone with their families. There's more to that in my opinion. But you can only blame yourself for allowing it to get you down. Make plans to go somewhere nice for the holiday. You don't have to stay at home. Or invite people to YOUR place and cook a big holiday meal. God is not standing in the way of you making choices that help you to feel less lonely and isolated.
> 
> ...


 

I''m glad you have everything figured out.  Actually, I am more content in my singleness than I have been in years.  At this time in my life I am holding out for what I want in a mate. I am working on my persoal goals that have nothing to do with marriage. However, I am not going to pretend that the emotions that these women are expressing in this thread do not have merit or that a change in the way they view thier lives would help them get over their lonliness and isolation. I've been there.  I am also honest enough with myself to admit that being busy does not equal not being lonley.  You can work, socialize, evangalize, babysit, feed the hungry, ect but you still have to go home alone.  I have gone back to school, I socialize on campus, and with friends from work.  But I know that doesn't mean that I am not lonely for a mate. It just means that I have found other ways to occupy my time.  Even if I have a house full of people every weekend and holiday they will go home to thier own families leaving me alone.  If you think that surrounding oneself with others solves the issue of loneliness you are mistaken.


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## dicapr (Sep 1, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> No, it's because they either had to learn patience themselves or because they know the reality of marriage. REAL marriage. Not the fairy tale marriage being desired in here.


 

 Your friend seems to be having difficulty in her marriage and is painting a very poor picture of marriage for you.  My sister who is separated has told me that she enjoyed being married-it was just the person she is married to that was the problem.  I think it is individual.  Some people like the institution of marriage while others dream about what they think single life is like.


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## Afrobuttafly (Sep 1, 2011)

Because while you are single you can enjoy doing the things married people cannot or are harder for married people to do. You can have more freedom to do things like just travel on a whim, whereas when you're married you have to discuss it with you mate first and you have other obligations to worry about. The gift of singleness does not imply that one has to remain single, it is just saying enjoy your singleness while you have it. A lot of people would benefit by using this time to better themselves so that when they do find a worthy suitor they will be a good catch for that person also. 

Your feelings about being single for years are understandable though. Have you actually prayed and asked God to help you find (not to just put into your lap) a good man? You have to do this continually not just once or twice. It shows God that you are really serious about your request. And then work in harmony with your prayer by being social and putting in a little effort.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 1, 2011)

dicapr said:


> Your friend seems to be having difficulty in her marriage and is painting a very poor picture of marriage for you.  My sister who is separated has told me that she enjoyed being married-it was just the person she is married to that was the problem.  I think it is individual.  Some people like the institution of marriage while others dream about what they think single life is like.



I stated that she has a good marriage.  Comments like yours are what clue me in to the fact that those placing such emphasis on their desire to get marries aren't really looking at it from a realistic point of view. I personally think that's why so many marriages fail. People look at marriage with rose colored lenses.  They don't understand that even the best marriages can be overwhelming and draining.  I admire these women for being honest about marriage. They don't lie and make people feel that it's all roses.  But people ignore them and just assume they have difficult marriages.


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## dicapr (Sep 1, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> I stated that she has a good marriage. Comments like yours are what clue me in to the fact that those placing such emphasis on their desire to get marries aren't really looking at it from a realistic point of view. I personally think that's why so many marriages fail. People look at marriage with rose colored lenses. They don't understand that even the best marriages can be overwhelming and draining. I admire these women for being honest about marriage. They don't lie and make people feel that it's all roses. But people ignore them and just assume they have difficult marriages.


 

You are reaching. How is stating that some individuals are better suited to the demands of marriage mean that I some how view marriage through rose colored glasses. I did not say that marriage did not require work. Yes they can be overwhelming and draining but that is anything in life. My sister had a bad marriage but says she still enjoyed being married. She says that she would like to marry again in the future. She did not feel that the work that goes into marriage is prohibative while you friend does . Two different personalities responding to marriage two different ways. Your friend's views is only one. Her view is not wrong but it isn't the gospel truth either.  You can be in a good marriage and still be having difficulty within the marriage.


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## dicapr (Sep 1, 2011)

Afrobuttafly;14144117[B said:
			
		

> ]Because while you are single you can enjoy doing the things married people cannot or are harder for married people to do. You can have more freedom to do things like just travel on a whim, whereas when you're married you have to discuss it with you mate first and you have other obligations to worry about.[/B] The gift of singleness does not imply that one has to remain single, it is just saying enjoy your singleness while you have it. A lot of people would benefit by using this time to better themselves so that when they do find a worthy suitor they will be a good catch for that person also.
> 
> Your feelings about being single for years are understandable though. Have you actually prayed and asked God to help you find (not to just put into your lap) a good man? You have to do this continually not just once or twice. It shows God that you are really serious about your request. And then work in harmony with your prayer by being social and putting in a little effort.


 

It is definately a trade off with neither situation being superior to the other.  They are just different.  Each one with its "gifts" and issues.  There are days when I come home from work tired.  I thank God that all I have to do is have a bowel of cereal for dinner and watch t.v. for the rest of the night.  I couldn't do that if I were married.  There are also days where I really don't want to go home a empty house. Those days I wish there was someone to come home to.  Neither situation is a gift or a curse but merely a fact of my exsistance.


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## JessieLeleB (Sep 2, 2011)

SuchMagnificance said:


> This is real talk..Im content with myself, have no problem with going out by myself, but the minute I say Im looking for my partner, my better half, I get shut down and usually by people who have a mate.. The one recurring piece of advice I tend to get it it, "Focus on Yourself, concentrate on making yourself better, get some hobbies, do things that make you happy." So if Ive done that, then what? Now whats the next piece of advice you plan on giving me? I think its only natural to yearn for a companion and women who are looking for one, shouldnt have their wants sweeped under the rug or dismissed.



I totally agree


Sent from my iPhone using LHCF


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## Maracujá (Sep 2, 2011)

I am 26 years old and have been single for half a decade. Like most single ladies know we have our good and bad days so no I don't always view being single as a gift, but it's important to sometimes stand still and recognize it as such. I think the following post truly helps: http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showpost.php?p=10061680&postcount=41. I also always get the same advice when I say that I would like a man to share my life with: travel and see the world, go to school,...etc (I even had a co-worker who suggested I go back packing for a year) and it can be draining but I think it's a case of 'the grass is greener'. When I look at certain situations I understand that indeed being single can be a gift: I know a woman who is happily married yet she regrets the fact that she's never lived by herself for a long time, she was always in and out of serious relationships so she wasn't able to further her education. I know another woman who was already in her thirties so she hurried up and had children with someone in the hope that they would eventually get married and that never happened, in fact the man she was with once asked her what she was doing while she was single, why she didn't further her education and she had no answer for him. 

When I look at situations like these it's easier for me to accept my singleness as a gift, but Lord only knows what it will be like as I'm getting older.


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## makeupgirl (Sep 2, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> Um it's *clear from scripture that marriage can be considered as something that divides your heart from God. Look around at these posts. The bitterness towards God just because He hasnt sent a mate is palpable. Once that mate comes, it is likely that the focus will be on that mate. Just the process of desiring a mate has caused hearts to be divided from God. *
> 
> And I can say marriage is draining because I see SEVERAL people going through. Marriage is WORK. And women bear the brunt and weight of marriages. That's just reality. You don't have to be married to see that.
> 
> Also, I said that I disagree that marriage is an important Part of God's plan. My reading of the Word has never given me that feeling. Ever. People can find scriptures that appear to make it that way, but that's because they want to be married.


 
Show me the scripture regarding marriage be considered as something that divides your heart from God.  

Christ has to be in the center of everything if anything is going to work when you're doing something according to his word.  That includes marriage.  The only way marriage or the desire for marriage can divides your heart from God, if you go into it for selfish reasons or reasons that has nothing at all to do with God at all. 

I can see that you're set in what you're feeling and that's fine; you have it figured all out.  Good for you and all that jazz.  However, don't make snap judgments or decisions based on other people's perspective or because they're not agreeing with what your experiences are.  9 times out of 10, what's going on in someone else's life has nothing to do with God's plan for your life.  Yes, he allows us to learn from other people's experiences as a learning tool but it doesn't mean that he wants us to leave our opinions, thoughts, etc at that.  Are you listening to God's word or other people's advice/experience?  Just be open-minded to what God has for you but respect the fact that other people on this form has other feelings about being single and marriage.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 2, 2011)

You can criticize my views if you like, but it's clear that I'm very content with my life as a single woman.  Instead of pushing so hard against my comments and insisting on wallowing in misery over not having a man, some others in here should take note.  Their way isn't working for them. And because they don't like what someone has to say, they want to try and hide behind scripture or use the tired argument that I don't know God's thoughts.  
God expects us to enjoy our lives where we are, regardless of whether we have a mate.  This grumbling and complaining is like the folks who had to make the journey in 40 years instead of a shorter period of time.  It's a waste.  


And for those who question why people tell them to travel and whatnot, is that really so awful?  Do you not want to see new things?  And have you ever considered that you might be missing your husband because you're sitting around sulking and NOT being more active?   A watched pot never boils. Worrying about it and thinking about it all the time doesnt make it happen Ny faster.     



makeupgirl said:


> Show me the scripture regarding marriage be considered as something that divides your heart from God.
> 
> Christ has to be in the center of everything if anything is going to work when you're doing something according to his word.  That includes marriage.  The only way marriage or the desire for marriage can divides your heart from God, if you go into it for selfish reasons or reasons that has nothing at all to do with God at all.
> 
> I can see that you're set in what you're feeling and that's fine; you have it figured all out.  Good for you and all that jazz.  However, don't make snap judgments or decisions based on other people's perspective or because they're not agreeing with what your experiences are.  9 times out of 10, what's going on in someone else's life has nothing to do with God's plan for your life.  Yes, he allows us to learn from other people's experiences as a learning tool but it doesn't mean that he wants us to leave our opinions, thoughts, etc at that.  Are you listening to God's word or other people's advice/experience?  Just be open-minded to what God has for you but respect the fact that other people on this form has other feelings about being single and marriage.


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## makeupgirl (Sep 2, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> You can criticize my views if you like, but it's clear that I'm very content with my life as a single woman.  Instead of pushing so hard against my comments and insisting on wallowing in misery over not having a man, some others in here should take note.  Their way isn't working for them. And because they don't like what someone has to say, they want to try and hide behind scripture or use the tired argument that I don't know God's thoughts.
> God expects us to enjoy our lives where we are, regardless of whether we have a mate.  This grumbling and complaining is like the folks who had to make the journey in 40 years instead of a shorter period of time.  It's a waste.
> 
> 
> And for those who question why people tell them to travel and whatnot, is that really so awful?  Do you not want to see new things?  And have you ever considered that you might be missing your husband because you're sitting around sulking and NOT being more active?   A watched pot never boils. Worrying about it and thinking about it all the time doesnt make it happen Ny faster.



See there you go again with the snap judgments.  I'm learning to be content because I am able to recognize that my readiness may not be God's readiness for me. I can only go with his plan for life. 

I still have some growing to do and the key is to recognizing that and do something about it.

Got the wrong girlie when it comes to sulking.  I don't sulk or do pity parties. I just planned my first trip that doesn't involve school or work. I love the fact that I can just go into work for OT 6 am if I want to. I was brought up with a strong independent   Spirit. Doesn't mean I'm weak or sulking because I have a God-given desire to share my life with my future hubby. I can careless if what others may think about me regarding my life.  Why? Because I only answer to 3 people in this: God, mama, and boss dude.  That's it, the end.  

Like I said. You have it all figured out then good for you. Be don't knock the rest of us because our life, minds , dreams is not in alignment with you.  

If someone wants to do the pity party and blame God and crave the desire for a mate. Who cares? It's their life.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 2, 2011)

makeupgirl said:


> .
> 
> 
> 
> If someone wants to do the pity party and blame God and crave the desire for a mate. Who cares? It's their life.



Apparently they expect people to care because they complain about it so much.  Have you seen how many threads are devoted to this subject around here?  It's pitiful.


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## makeupgirl (Sep 2, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> Apparently they expect people to care because they complain about it so much. Have you seen how many threads are devoted to this subject around here? It's pitiful.


 
I do.  Sometimes, it can be annoying but at the same time, they have the right to vent and if it come off as complaining, then it is what it is.  Sometimes, venting and complaining is a good thing, especially if you just want sound advice or just need someone to listen.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 2, 2011)

makeupgirl said:


> I do.  Sometimes, it can be annoying but at the same time, they have the right to vent and if it come off as complaining, then it is what it is.  Sometimes, venting and complaining is a good thing, especially if you just want sound advice or just need someone to listen.



But they don't take advice.  They tune out what they don't want to hear.  That's the sad part.


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## aribell (Sep 2, 2011)

nathansgirl1908  I agree that self pity is a waste of time and that people can make things unnecessarily hard for themselves.  At the same time I think you're being overly dismissive in making your point-both of Scripture and of the experiences of other women.  The Lord both upholds marriage more highly than this and shows greater compassion.

It is possible to recognize that marriage is ordained of God (shown particularly in Genesis and Ephesians) and also that not everyone will or even needs to experience it to fulfill His purposes.



Sent from my LS670 using LS670


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## StarScream35 (Sep 2, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> No, it's because they either had to learn patience themselves or because they know the reality of marriage. REAL marriage. Not the fairy tale marriage being desired in here.


 

Marriage would be nice but right now I'm just trying to secure a man boo, and that's been hell on wheels. The current dating situation out there will make anyone who is serious about finding someone, scream!!! I'm not trying to dismiss what you are saying...........too often women DO have an unrealistic view of marriage but before we can get to marriage we need a man and as it stands, finding the right one is a serious challenge and that's the frustrating part. I recently cut off a guy who was playing mind games and you wouldn't believe the number of guys who are over 30 trying to play mind games, be playas etc. I'm sure you wouldn't hear as many complaints if sistas were coming into contact with quality men but they just aren't. Let me be the comic relief here and tell you the kind of men I come into contact with:

Trey appears to be a nice man, approaches you in a nice manner and later on you find out he has four kids with four baby mamas and he is "self employed"..............we all know the majority of the time, self employed means unemployed. And sure enough you find out he is unemployed!

Andre is a doctor and got his stuff together but he is arrogant and knows he's in demand cause lets face it, an educated brotha with a job, has lots of power. If you ain't puttin' out he makes you get out. And trust me, I don't mind steppin cause you ain't getting my goods that easy. erplexed

Donnie is a nice brotha but you find out he's been to prison for manslaughter and that just doesn't sit too easy. 

Brighton, nice white guy, he's single, you're attracted to him but he's not into black chics............hey to that. 

Chung Lee, cute and all, nice, educated, nice job, single but you know he ain't feelin black women but you gone try to see if you can spark his interest only to find out he's only into white women or Asian women. 

I know those were extreme examples but really this is the crap we single ladies put up with. It'd be cool if I could just secure the man but as it stands that hasn't happened. Yep another lonely Valentines Day............LOL!


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## Afrobuttafly (Sep 2, 2011)

dicapr said:


> It is definately a trade off with neither situation being superior to the other.  They are just different.  Each one with its "gifts" and issues.  There are days when I come home from work tired.  I thank God that all I have to do is have a bowel of cereal for dinner and watch t.v. for the rest of the night.  I couldn't do that if I were married.  There are also days where I really don't want to go home a empty house. Those days I wish there was someone to come home to.  Neither situation is a gift or a curse but merely a fact of my exsistance.




The fact that they both have their pros and cons (which should go without saying) does not change the fact that they are both in fact GIFTS. How YOU choose to view them is your personal choice, but I'm speaking according to the Bible.


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## PinkPebbles (Sep 2, 2011)

Raspberry said:


> I believe that asking for wisdom in all aspects of our live is paramount. This verse keeps popping in my head while reading this thread:
> 
> 7 Wisdom _is_ the principal thing;
> _Therefore_ get wisdom.
> ...


 
Raspberry - Amen!

@ the bolded is so profound. We are relational beings and indeed we learn how to love and relate to one another by being in relationships.

The greatest commandment is to love one another. And I've worked on and overcome some weaknesses by being in healthy relationships.

It's easy to be a Christian when you are alone, you don't know if you are selfish, short-tempered, angry, arrogant, prideful, unkind, etc if you are constantly doing things alone. 

And yes, *we get the most testing and blessing through other people...*

IMO marriage will draw me even more closely to God b/c I will need his wisdom and guidance on how to handle disagreements, and to be a respectable loving wife. 

*1 Corinthians 13:4-8*
1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have _the gift of_ prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed _the poor,_ and though I give my body to be burned,[a] but have not love, it profits me nothing.
4 Love suffers long _and_ is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 
8 Love never fails. But whether _there are_ prophecies, they will fail; whether _there are_ tongues, they will cease; whether _there is_ knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Sep 2, 2011)

Please (sincerely) don’t make it appear that I am trying to deny or deprive single Christian women from  getting married to have the ‘sexual experience’ as you put it... Any and all sexual experiences that I’ve had prior to my becoming saved was in sin therefore, it is not relevant …

The sad reality is that we will not all get married and have children and it is not God’s fault that men won’t take their place in HIM ….

My concern is that many Christian women miss the opportunity to have a real and fulfilling relationship with God because in the midst of our waiting we are distracted from God, we feel that our needs are not being met fast enough or will not be met at all…

The Father longs for us to desire him with the passion that we desire a spouse.



Guitarhero said:


> B
> 
> No, not at all. Biological clocks meaning, related to wanting children. But you have had sexual experience...that's the side. It doesn't do a single woman with no sexual experience any good to poo-poo and minimalize the marriage and/or sexual experience when you have already had it. My thing is this, unless christians are going around with a face masque of "happy-go-lucky," then they feel guilty about it. If they are unfulfilled in some area, then they feel like a traitor to G-d about it cuz too many have been erroneously taught that to express their pain is anti-G-d. That's not the christian walk, imho and in my camp. The christian walk is a human walk and the only difference truly between believers and non-believers is Jesus. We are all the same and our psychology doesn't go away.


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## LucieLoo12 (Sep 2, 2011)

You have to be careful when you desire something really strong, other than God. Alot of times, Ive noticed when people have a really strong desire for marriage they 1). Settle for anything 2). Ignore the signs from God that he is NOT the one. 3). Run AHEAD of the time  4). Make them selves believe that He is the one. 5). Lower thier standard. 

NOT SAYING ALL BUT I HAVE SEEN THIS HAPPEN IN SOME CASES!

I am speaking from the side of someone who has never been married.We can sit here all day and go back and forth, but if someone really wants something to happen, nothing we can say can change that.

*Colossians 3:2*
Set your *affection* on things above, not on things on the earth.

This scripture has kept me so many times from distracted or in despair about marrige. Though I desire marriage, my heart isnt on it. And because my heart isnt on it, thats why I can be unmarried and still have my JOY.

*1 Timothy 6:6*
But godliness with *contentment* is great gain.


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## black_cotton (Sep 2, 2011)

Can I just keep it REALLY real up in this piece?? I have never posted any words before on this site and today I came here looking for hair stuff and surely the Lord led me to see this post. Many of us DO love the the Lord with all our hearts, seek Him and have a close relationship with him. The desire for a mate is God given and natural. I am in my late 30's, have never been married and am a single parent. It's easy to tell somebody to just wait and pray but we are not ONLY spiritual beings. It doesn't mean we shouldn't talk about our feelings and vent. Any feelings that get repressed and not expressed manifests itself as stuck energy in the body and it does become physical.   Now don't get me wrong, I am not consumed with the idea of wanting a mate, but I do think of it often. I will not pretend that it doesn't hurt going places alone ALL the time. It's also hard when all your co-workers, who are a lot younger and unsaved are all married or getting married yet you're always genuinely happy and excited for them. Just because you're making legit observations does not mean you are comparing yourself to others. Even Ecces. talks about how it is better to have a friend and someone to keep you warm on a cold night. It may be something you have to bear but it doesn't mean that you're going to love it to death all the time. I work full time, care for my child by myself, my elderly parents moved back into my house 6 months ago and on top of that I work in the mental heath field and have to take care of everybody else emotionally ALL DAY long. Besides the Lord, I have no one to take care of my feelings or comfort me. It does get hard. We don't know how long Adam was alone before God gave him Eve but he got her. Solomon had over 3,000 wives and concubines! He was very close to God in the beginning but he did not have that need because he had plenty of women to fill it. Yes, God is first yet he made us as spiritual beings housed in an earthly bodies. EVERYTHING about your earthly existence is not going to be spiritual. I find that sometimes the Body just does not want to address feelings like this. My mother said she will not remarry if my dad goes before her. Well I guess so, after having a man for over the last 40 YEARS. She cannot understand and some of you here can't understand either. I want a complementary partner to share with, to talk to, to laugh with, to pray with, to raise a family with and YES I do want to have passionate, sanctified sex, what?? Sure do, no apologies. I talk to God like no other. I pour my heart and soul out to Him with complete honesty . I ask forgiveness and make sure to repent if there is any anger/bitterness towards Him. Oftentimes we don't even know what is in our OWN hearts, only God does. Bottom line, let's support each other , sometimes you just want to be held and comforted and not made to feel humiliated because you have God given desires. 

Sorry for the mini-book but I had to say it.


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## dicapr (Sep 2, 2011)

Afrobuttafly said:


> The fact that they both have their pros and cons (which should go without saying) does not change the fact that they are both in fact GIFTS. How YOU choose to view them is your personal choice, but I'm speaking according to the Bible.


 

Bible verses please.  While both singleness and married life are in God's plan they are never refered to as a gift.  I think that is what the OP was getting at when she started the thread.  If singleness is a gift anyone who is not completely satisfied with their circumstance is looked at as being ungreateful to the gift God has given them.  Same thing with married individuals. They would be wrong to complain about the difficulties of marriage.  However, if you look for them as the path that God has laid out for you it is ok to state that the path is difficult at times.  That is why *I* choose to see my singleness as the path God set me on.  And if *I* get married I will see that as a path also.  I have yet to meet any married person who did not feel the burden of their path.  But if it is a gift how can you say anything about the gift God has given to you?


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## Love Always (Sep 2, 2011)

Welcome black_cotton. Loved your post and feel the same way .


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## black_cotton (Sep 2, 2011)

Thanks so much. I feel SO much better now that I got that out !


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 2, 2011)

Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> Please (sincerely) don’t make it appear that I am trying to deny or deprive single Christian women from  getting married to have the ‘sexual experience’ as you put it... Any and all sexual experiences that I’ve had prior to my becoming saved was in sin therefore, it is not relevant …
> 
> The sad reality is that we will not all get married and have children and it is not God’s fault that men won’t take their place in HIM ….
> 
> ...



I love this post!!!!!  Amen!


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## Detroit2Dallas (Sep 2, 2011)

I love black cottons post. You said it. that is it and that it all. Its a natural desire.


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## CandiceC (Sep 2, 2011)

PinkPebbles said:


> Raspberry - Amen!
> 
> @ the bolded is so profound. We are relational beings and indeed we learn how to love and relate to one another by being in relationships.
> 
> ...




The bolded is the TRUTH!  In various relationships, and for this thread's purpose- marriage.

There are things I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even think about working on if I wasn't married. Same thing for DH and I know it makes him uncomfortable at times. Marriage does kind of hold a mirror up in your face about your faults.


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## CandiceC (Sep 2, 2011)

black_cotton said:


> Can I just keep it REALLY real up in this piece?? I have never posted any words before on this site and today I came here looking for hair stuff and surely the Lord led me to see this post. Many of us DO love the the Lord with all our hearts, seek Him and have a close relationship with him. The desire for a mate is God given and natural. I am in my late 30's, have never been married and am a single parent. It's easy to tell somebody to just wait and pray but we are not ONLY spiritual beings. It doesn't mean we shouldn't talk about our feelings and vent. Any feelings that get repressed and not expressed manifests itself as stuck energy in the body and it does become physical.   Now don't get me wrong, I am not consumed with the idea of wanting a mate, but I do think of it often. I will not pretend that it doesn't hurt going places alone ALL the time. It's also hard when all your co-workers, who are a lot younger and unsaved are all married or getting married yet you're always genuinely happy and excited for them. Just because you're making legit observations does not mean you are comparing yourself to others. Even Ecces. talks about how it is better to have a friend and someone to keep you warm on a cold night. It may be something you have to bear but it doesn't mean that you're going to love it to death all the time. I work full time, care for my child by myself, my elderly parents moved back into my house 6 months ago and on top of that I work in the mental heath field and have to take care of everybody else emotionally ALL DAY long. Besides the Lord, I have no one to take care of my feelings or comfort me. It does get hard. We don't know how long Adam was alone before God gave him Eve but he got her. Solomon had over 3,000 wives and concubines! He was very close to God in the beginning but he did not have that need because he had plenty of women to fill it. Yes, God is first yet he made us as spiritual beings housed in an earthly bodies. EVERYTHING about your earthly existence is not going to be spiritual. I find that sometimes the Body just does not want to address feelings like this. My mother said she will not remarry if my dad goes before her. Well I guess so, after having a man for over the last 40 YEARS. She cannot understand and some of you here can't understand either. I want a complementary partner to share with, to talk to, to laugh with, to pray with, to raise a family with and YES I do want to have passionate, sanctified sex, what?? Sure do, no apologies. I talk to God like no other. I pour my heart and soul out to Him with complete honesty . I ask forgiveness and make sure to repent if there is any anger/bitterness towards Him. Oftentimes we don't even know what is in our OWN hearts, only God does. Bottom line, let's support each other , sometimes you just want to be held and comforted and not made to feel humiliated because you have God given desires.
> 
> Sorry for the mini-book but I had to say it.



Welcome!


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## Mis007 (Sep 3, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> *Um it's clear from scripture that marriage can be considered as something that divides your heart from God. Look around at these posts. The bitterness towards God just because He hasnt sent a mate is palpable*. Once that mate comes, it is likely that the focus will be on that mate. Just the process of desiring a mate has caused hearts to be divided from God.


 
Not necessary bibical scripture but an individual's interpretation that when I read posts on this very topic, I see the mass confusion about God's will/sovereignty in regards to mate finding and see the damage done in the way of magical thinking, disillusionment, inertia, ambivilence, missed opportunities, and guilt, guilt, guilt.


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## Mis007 (Sep 3, 2011)

Brighteyes35 said:


> Marriage would be nice but right now I'm just trying to secure a man boo, and that's been hell on wheels. The current dating situation out there will make anyone who is serious about finding someone, scream!!! I'm not trying to dismiss what you are saying...........too often women DO have an unrealistic view of marriage but before we can get to marriage we need a man and as it stands, finding the right one is a serious challenge and that's the frustrating part. I recently cut off a guy who was playing mind games and you wouldn't believe the number of guys who are over 30 trying to play mind games, be playas etc. I'm sure you wouldn't hear as many complaints if sistas were coming into contact with quality men but they just aren't. Let me be the comic relief here and tell you the kind of men I come into contact with:
> 
> Trey appears to be a nice man, approaches you in a nice manner and later on you find out he has four kids with four baby mamas and he is "self employed"..............we all know the majority of the time, self employed means unemployed. And sure enough you find out he is unemployed!
> 
> ...


 
Don't forget those who are refusing to grow up, but are living a second childhood even into their thirties and forties.


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## Guitarhero (Sep 3, 2011)

Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> Please (sincerely) don’t make it appear that I am trying to deny or deprive single Christian women from  getting married to have the ‘sexual experience’ as you put it... Any and all sexual experiences that I’ve had prior to my becoming saved was in sin therefore, it is not relevant …
> 
> The sad reality is that we will not all get married and have children and it is not God’s fault that men won’t take their place in HIM ….
> 
> ...



I'm not trying to do that.  I'm trying to get you to see that you have had more in your basket than someone like I described.  I totally comprehend living for G-d.  People do that from childhood until adulthood (as singles).  They are learning to take the reins and live upright.  Nothing new at all.  It still doesn't take from the natural g-d-given desire to marry for most and that usually comes about when someone is maturing enough to take on a marriage.  They have longing.  Some do not desire it and that is okay.  Others have had relationships and become disillusioned and no longer desire or wish to take their time, whether in a g-dly union or worldly one.  That's also fine for them.  The problem in this discussion is that people are talking and recommending in extremes...not balanced viewpoints.  It's not all one person's way or all another's.  Everyone is an individual and there are plenty of spiritually balanced women here who simply desire...long for a marriage.  In my opinion, it's not much different from desiring to go to college and obtain degrees.  How does one compare himself having college experience who finds s/he doesn't value it so much to the one who is definitely college material and longs for it greatly?  What is the good coming from obtaining a degree?  You have a short window of opportunity, in general.  Shrugs.  Individual.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 3, 2011)

Guitarhero said:


> The problem in this discussion is that people are talking and recommending in extremes...not balanced viewpoints.  It's not all one person's way or all another's.  Everyone is an individual and there are plenty of spiritually balanced women here who simply desire...long for a marriage.  In my opinion, it's not much different from desiring to go to college and obtain degrees.  How does one compare himself having college experience who finds s/he doesn't value it so much to the one who is definitely college material and longs for it greatly?  What is the good coming from obtaining a degree?  You have a short window of opportunity, in general.  Shrugs.  Individual.



There's an imbalance when people start getting bitter with God over a lack of a mate. And it is different from desiring to go to college. You have control over that. You don't have control over finding a mate in the same way. And I rarely see people get as bent out of shape with God over something like college the same way they do over finding a man. Just because people spout scripture about their journey to find a man doesn't mean it is spiritual OR balanced.


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## Bubblingbrownshuga (Sep 4, 2011)

Listen ladies who are going through the phase of:

God doesn't love you because you are still single.
Crying because you don't have that special someone in your life.
Not truly understanding what it means to be 'happily single.'
Your faith diminishing because God hasn't answered that one prayer of marriage.

Listen.

Been there, done that, all that. Your feelings are valid, trust; however,

Ladies, stop fantasizing about marriage and start realizing that it's even more devastating to finally be married only to understand that those who told you not to rush into it were not lying to you. There's nothing more hurtful than to be married to a man who is not emotionally available and affectionate toward you. A man that you try to share your day with who doesn't care about what happened. A man you thought would comfort you when you were hurting only to look at you like 'why are you crying?' A man who only showed you love before you got married AND while divorcing.

Marriage is no good when the two people are broken.

It hurts.

I see now that all of those books, seminars, affirmations, etc I received from others about being happily single were not in vain. It has clicked for me.

Philippians 4:11 also, see my scripture in my siggy.

Cry out to God about your heartache of being single and ask Him to HELP YOU deal with those emotions. Only He can. For real, only HE CAN.

No man can.


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## VelvetRain (Sep 4, 2011)

I hear everyone one of you loud and clear and everyone is making valid points. What does bother me though is this whole thing of "finding a man". Maybe that is the biggest problem? The bible doesn't say anything about the woman finding the man. We are meant to be found. When you go looking for something is when you find something you don't want(the liars, cheaters, players, etc)

I have had to shift my mind away from this finding and instead be content with what I have in my life now which is a stronger relationship with god. God understands my desire for a mate and honestly I don't feel that he will forsake me in my desire to to be found. God is capable of doing anything and bringing someone into your life according to his timetable and not yours. Sometimes I think we as women just need to be paitient during this time of wait. Cultivate a better personality and continue to be the best woman you can be. 

Are you working in accordance with your prayers? Are you living your life right? How is your mentality in general? There are many reasons as to why many of us are single. Start some self reflection. My outlook these days is totally different. I'm simply not pressed about finding a mate anymore which is more than likely a huge reason I'm meeting a better caliber of men that I ever have in the past.

Also when you meet that man what is it about you that is so special that's going to make that man want to purchase that ring for you in the firist place? Dating today is very different. These men are not going to chase or pursue you. Why should they when there have many other options with woman who are going to look better than you and have better personalities than you? You have to be able to differentiate yourself from the others.


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## LifeafterLHCF (Sep 4, 2011)

VelvetRain you hit the nail on the head.I'm reminded of Ruth.She was doing her business for God not because she was looking for a dude to find her but because it was the right thing to do.I was speaking with my male mentor at work and I asked him what attracted you to your wife and he said she was real about doing God's work.She was and is a praying woman and she is the type that can be depended on.Ladies we must check out spirits and hearts minds and intentions when wanting this marriage thing.

No bitterness,no anger,no malice and no self seeking.We are called to be a help met.My flesh use to crawl when I heard that but now I can see my purpose.I use to believe I wanted marriage so I could do a horizontal workout daily in the confides of marriage but those are selfish reasons.Also is your heart good I know we can only work on ourselves for so long but are you giving to others from what you have learned.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 4, 2011)

Bubblingbrownshuga said:


> Ladies, stop fantasizing about marriage and start realizing that it's even more devastating to finally be married only to understand that those who told you not to rush into it were not lying to you. There's nothing more hurtful than to be married to a man who is not emotionally available and affectionate toward you. A man that you try to share your day with who doesn't care about what happened. A man you thought would comfort you when you were hurting only to look at you like 'why are you crying?' A man who only showed you love before you got married AND while divorcing.



they don't want to listen to that though.  And that's the problem.


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## Guitarhero (Sep 4, 2011)

VelvetRain said:


> I hear everyone one of you loud and clear and everyone is making valid points. What does bother me though is this whole thing of "finding a man". Maybe that is the biggest problem? The bible doesn't say anything about the woman finding the man. We are meant to be found. When you go looking for something is when you find something you don't want(the liars, cheaters, players, etc)
> 
> I have had to shift my mind away from this finding and instead be content with what I have in my life now which is a stronger relationship with god. God understands my desire for a mate and honestly I don't feel that he will forsake me in my desire to to be found. God is capable of doing anything and bringing someone into your life according to his timetable and not yours. Sometimes I think we as women just need to be paitient during this time of wait. Cultivate a better personality and continue to be the best woman you can be.
> 
> ...



You make good points but I'd like to point out that I personally am not desperate to marry.  Don't know if I agree about the dating process (man finding a woman as only biblical) but  I have been married and have children.  Although my life is okay for me now,  I understand how they feel.  It could be cultural because with parts of my family, you are arranged into a marriage often.  It's something that the culture and family wish and desire for all to accomplish and successfully (and it's from Jesus' part of the world culturally).   I'd like to remarry, but I'm in nobody's hurry at all.  I've been separated over 10 years and divorced for 5 now with no dating at all and my many blessings are sufficient for me now.  I was taught to live for G-d since infancy so I guess it's a no-brainer for me to be single and lean towards righteous????  It's an uphill process.

Great points for edifying oneself in general, though.  But I was just concerned about being a little more compassionate and hearing the pain of others in their own walk.  That's what my focus was....compassion.  You, on the otherhand, are very passionate about singles finding that perfect spiritual perfection for now and it's a good point.  I don't think they are missing this, though.  

Sometimes, we do definitely need a kick in the pants...but there is a time for everything...and sometimes, people in pain and confusion or just plain wishing to discuss/vent and share their thoughts and feelings need tender words of affirmation, patience and knowing that others can comprehend where they are in their particular walk or just someone to hear them out.  I truly don't see desperation of the singles desiring marriage here...if anything, some have a sense of urgency.


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## StarScream35 (Sep 6, 2011)

VelvetRain said:


> I hear everyone one of you loud and clear and everyone is making valid points. What does bother me though is this whole thing of "finding a man". Maybe that is the biggest problem? The bible doesn't say anything about the woman finding the man. We are meant to be found. When you go looking for something is when you find something you don't want(the liars, cheaters, players, etc)
> 
> I have had to shift my mind away from this finding and instead be content with what I have in my life now which is a stronger relationship with god. God understands my desire for a mate and honestly I don't feel that he will forsake me in my desire to to be found. God is capable of doing anything and bringing someone into your life according to his timetable and not yours. Sometimes I think we as women just need to be paitient during this time of wait. Cultivate a better personality and continue to be the best woman you can be.
> 
> ...


 

You said the problem is the whole "finding a man mentality" which women technically should not have cause we are suppose to be found but then you went on to say dating today is very different. In essence, because dating has taken a turn for the worse, woman ARE having to find men cause men are not on the hunt. There are way more women in the church than men so basically you have more Christian women than men meaning less men are following the teachings of the bible and not trying to find wives and live according to the bible. This puts women in a comprismising situation cause they do have to go on the hunt and this is certainly not within God's plan.

I'm about to stir up some controversy here and just keep it real okay......

As much as the feminist movement opened up opportunities for women it also released men of some time honored values and traditions that should not have never gone out of the door. So the feminist movement both helped women and hurt them. In was in direct opposition of the bible to begin with and we are paying for it dearly! It's not our fault but to be honest I would like to sit down and talk to some of them white women who started it, give em a piece of my mind and tell em to look at the mess they created, especially in our community............and lets face it, white women are still getting theirs!

Second, my hormones are raging and I wanna get laid too. (The right way) Sorry but it's a fact. Sometimes it's so off the chain I wanna call up my neighbor and tell him to just do me in more ways than one but I know this is asking for some serious trouble and plus I am trying to live according to the bible but it's real frustrating when you can't even secure the man cause of lack of quality. I just wonder how much longer I can hang on................just keeping it real and being human here!

Like I said earlier, I think you would hear less complaining if there were quality men out there cause then most women could at least secure a good man. This would provide some hope but when you aren't even going past dating because of the poor quality, this is what has many women on edge. It heightens the nervousness and frustration. When you keep meeting jerk after jerk after jerk and you know you are doing everything right and carrying yourself right it will make you SCRRRRRREAM!


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## StarScream35 (Sep 6, 2011)

Guitarhero said:


> You make good points but I'd like to point out that I personally am not desperate to marry. Don't know if I agree about the dating process (man finding a woman as only biblical) but I have been married and have children. Although my life is okay for me now, I understand how they feel. It could be cultural because with parts of my family, you are arranged into a marriage often. It's something that the culture and family wish and desire for all to accomplish and successfully (and it's from Jesus' part of the world culturally). I'd like to remarry, but I'm in nobody's hurry at all. I've been separated over 10 years and divorced for 5 now with no dating at all and my many blessings are sufficient for me now. I was taught to live for G-d since infancy so I guess it's a no-brainer for me to be single and lean towards righteous???? It's an uphill process.
> 
> Great points for edifying oneself in general, though. But I was just concerned about being a little more compassionate and hearing the pain of others in their own walk. That's what my focus was....compassion. You, on the otherhand, are very passionate about singles finding that perfect spiritual perfection for now and it's a good point. I don't think they are missing this, though.
> 
> Sometimes, we do definitely need a kick in the pants...but there is a time for everything...and sometimes, people in pain and confusion or just plain wishing to discuss/vent and share their thoughts and feelings need tender words of affirmation, patience and knowing that others can comprehend where they are in their particular walk or just someone to hear them out. I truly don't see desperation of the singles desiring marriage here...if anything, some have a sense of urgency.


 

But see I think it's easier when you have been there done that. You've been married and have your kids. Many of these women have never had that and that's where the struggle comes in. The urgency I think is instinctual cause biologically speaking if it weren't ingrained in us, women would be having children in their 70's.............not good, LOL! That clock must go off to keep us on our toes per say.

But its great to have women like youself who are compassion. We def. need compassion and understanding for each other.


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## LucieLoo12 (Sep 6, 2011)

Yesturday I spent allllllllll day in the bed..It felt soo good..i took a quick shower and got back in the bed. ...and i thought "Could i have done this if I was married"?

Im enjoying my liberty and freedom


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## VelvetRain (Sep 6, 2011)

Brighteyes35 said:


> You said the problem is the whole "finding a man mentality" which women technically should not have cause we are suppose to be found but then you went on to say dating today is very different. In essence, because dating has taken a turn for the worse, woman ARE having to find men cause men are not on the hunt. There are way more women in the church than men so basically you have more Christian women than men meaning less men are following the teachings of the bible and not trying to find wives and live according to the bible. This puts women in a comprismising situation cause they do have to go on the hunt and this is certainly not within God's plan.
> 
> I'm about to stir up some controversy here and just keep it real okay......
> 
> ...


 

If you are meeting jerk after jerk after jerk who's problem is that really? Afterall what are you doing to attract those type of men? You want a good man. Well how many women can truly say that are that good woman that would attract that best or good man? You can have a good job making six figures, be a homeowner, crazy 401k but none of that stuff makes you a good woman. I love how people are so quick to dismiss biblical advice as if it's not relevant to our time period.

These still quality men out here sorry if that's not your reality.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 6, 2011)

Alicialynn86 said:


> Yesturday I spent allllllllll day in the bed..It felt soo good..i took a quick shower and got back in the bed. ...and i thought "Could i have done this if I was married"?
> 
> Im enjoying my liberty and freedom



That's what I love about it.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 6, 2011)

Brighteyes35 said:


> Second, my hormones are raging and I wanna get laid too. (The right way) Sorry but it's a fact. Sometimes it's so off the chain I wanna call up my neighbor and tell him to just do me in more ways than one but I know this is asking for some serious trouble and plus I am trying to live according to the bible but it's real frustrating when you can't even secure the man cause of lack of quality. I just wonder how much longer I can hang on................just keeping it real and being human here!



yeah you can keep it real but let's be real about the fact that you getting laid is not on God's priority list.  And He's not going to send you some sorry man so you can do so.  You should be thankful that He loves you so much that He is protecting you from foolishness.


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## Afrobuttafly (Sep 7, 2011)

dicapr said:


> Bible verses please.  While both singleness and married life are in God's plan they are never refered to as a gift.  I think that is what the OP was getting at when she started the thread.  *If singleness is a gift anyone who is not completely satisfied with their circumstance is looked at as being ungreateful to the gift God has given them.  Same thing with married individuals. They would be wrong to complain about the difficulties of marriage*.  However, if you look for them as the path that God has laid out for you it is ok to state that the path is difficult at times.  That is why *I* choose to see my singleness as the path God set me on.  And if *I* get married I will see that as a path also.  I have yet to meet any married person who did not feel the burden of their path.  But if it is a gift how can you say anything about the gift God has given to you?



dicapr
You have completely conjured the bolded up in your own mind. And you seem to misunderstand the using of the word gift in this context. The OP asked why singleness is called a gift. Obviously she has heard it referred to that way by others. Do you think people just made that up for themselves? They did not.

When talking to his disciples about the gift of singleness Jesus said, "Not all men make room for the saying, but only those who have the gift. For there are eunuchs that were born such from their mother's womb, and there are eunuchs that were made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs that have made themselves eunuchs because of the kingdom of the heavens. Let him that can make room for it make room for it."-Matt. 19:11, 12, NW.

Note also what the Apostle Paul said:
"Indeed, I want you to be free from anxiety. The single man is anxious for the things of the Lord, how he may gain the Lord's approval. But the married man is anxious for the things of the world, how he may gain the approval of his wife, and he is divided. Further, the single woman, and the virgin, is anxious for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in her body and in her spirit. However, the married woman is anxious for the things of the world, how she may gain the approval of her husband. But this I am saying for your personal advantage, not that I may cast a noose upon you, but to move you to that which is becoming and that which means constant attendance upon the Lord without distraction."-1 Cor. 7:32-35, NW.

You may need to do some research on the scriptures if you don't understand the references to eunuchs ect.. What I like to do is read the entire chapter of a cited scripture to get a better understanding of the context and surrounding circumstances. 

Also see 1 Cor 7:38 "Consequently he also that gives his virginity in marriage does well, but he that does not give it in marriage will do better." NW

The Bible acknowledges that those who remain single have advantages over married persons for reasons I mentioned in my last post (time, freedom ect), but that doesn't mean marriage is bad. Marriage is an honorable and beautiful arrangement that God put into place. Single people however have more time and energy to devote to their service and worship of God and other spiritual matters.  Both are paths that we can choose as you have said, each with their own advantages. They are both gifts in their own right. No one has to remain single or has to get married. It's up to you as an individual. 
Those that complain are really complaining about the problems that come along with their marital status. Being single is really hard for some of us, there is nothing wrong with stating that nor about marriage's issues. God already knows this, which is why he gave us guidelines to live by to make it easier to deal with. 2 couples could have the exact same problem, but how they deal with it is what determines the outcome. The one that consults the scriptures and applies its advice are far more likely to resolve peacefully than one that does not. (Bible says to take your leave if you have to when in a provoked state, to make peace with one another, to be forgiving ect....) I can't really say much more than I've already said. I hope this helps.


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## VelvetRain (Sep 7, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> yeah you can keep it real but let's be real about the fact that you getting laid is not on God's priority list.  And He's not going to send you some sorry man so you can do so.  You should be thankful that He loves you so much that He is protecting you from foolishness.



Exactly. Who am I to judge but it's a bit hypocritical to be asking god to bless you with a mate when your doing the opposite of how god wants us to live life in terms of abstaining from sex before marriage. There's lots of black single woman wishing for a mate but how many are single and not having sex?  Hmm you already know the answer to that.


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## LucieLoo12 (Sep 7, 2011)

the problem is some people think that marriage is a "cure" for thier problems..if they battle with depression, lust, lonliness ETC. they think it will make it go away.But that is things that need healing and that healing is only through Jesus Christ. Why do you think so many people cheat on their spouses? Marriage cant cure you from lust. You will be married and still be lusting after someone else. People say I want companionship but you can be in a relationship and still be lonely. That true fulfillment can only come from Jesus Christ. and until they find that, they will always be wanting something.Im done


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## LoveisYou (Sep 7, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> yeah you can keep it real but let's be real about the fact that you getting laid is not on God's priority list.  And He's not going to send you some sorry man so you can do so.  You should be thankful that He loves you so much that He is protecting you from foolishness.



Right! But isn't it still a very valid concern?


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## LucieLoo12 (Sep 8, 2011)

Is it a concern to God?....no



LoveisYou said:


> Right! But isn't it still a very valid concern?


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## makeupgirl (Sep 8, 2011)

VelvetRain said:


> Exactly. Who am I to judge but it's a bit hypocritical to be asking god to bless you with a mate when your doing the opposite of how god wants us to live life in terms of abstaining from sex before marriage. *There's lots of black single woman wishing for a mate but how many are single and not having sex? Hmm you already know the answer to that*.


 
It's not just black women.  It's all types of women.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 8, 2011)

LoveisYou said:


> Right! But isn't it still a very valid concern?



No and people can't make it valid by saying that you are trying to keep it within the confines of marriage. They are actually revealing their true heart on the matter but trying to make it appear to be a spiritual thing. They certainly aren't fooling God.


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## LoveisYou (Sep 8, 2011)

Alicialynn86 said:


> Is it a concern to God?....no



I think it is, nothing is too "unimportant" to bring to God. If it is something that bothers her, take it to Him in prayer. After all the Word does say it is better to marry than to burn right, which goes to show that the concept of "burning in the flesh" was important enough to be mentioned. He gave us a way out through marriage. While we are to put the flesh under submission, finding it hard to do is human/valid and worthy of bringing to God.


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## LoveisYou (Sep 8, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> No and people can't make it valid by saying that you are trying to keep it within the confines of marriage. They are actually revealing their true heart on the matter but trying to make it appear to be a spiritual thing. They certainly aren't fooling God.



but sex IS spiritual, struggling with lust is a spiritual warfare? We become spiritually connected to someone when we engage in sex so how is it not spiritual? I think the church should be having these very real conversations not shunning them.  We have natural sexual feelings, ignoring them doesn't mean they go away.
Instead of reprimanding someone for having these very real concerns/urges maybe we can point to Biblical examples/ways to stand firm in Christ/overcome lust.


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## LucieLoo12 (Sep 9, 2011)

When i said it wasnt a concern to God, I meant it as in, God isnt going to give you a husband because you want to have sex. Yes if we are struggling with things God is concerned about it. BUT God isnt going to give you a desire because YOU feel like you can't live without. God's FIRST concern with you, is your soul being saved. And if He knows something will only drive you farther away, you better bet believe He isnt giving it to you. Instead of people saying "God, im lonely give me a husband"....they need to be saying"God , Im lonely but take away the lonliness and show me how to make you my husband". People dont want to take the time to seek God and find Him, they just want to find instant gratification through other people. And if they always result to other people making them happy, they will NEVER be happy. I totally agree to bring it to God to get delieverance, but read some of the posts in here. Some people are flat out saying "I want it and I want it now". Some dont want delieverance, they want their desired fulfilled.



LoveisYou said:


> I think it is, nothing is too "unimportant" to bring to God. If it is something that bothers her, take it to Him in prayer. After all the Word does say it is better to marry than to burn right, which goes to show that the concept of "burning in the flesh" was important enough to be mentioned. He gave us a way out through marriage. While we are to put the flesh under submission, finding it hard to do is human/valid and worthy of bringing to God.


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## Guitarhero (Sep 9, 2011)

Do people think of sex and desire for it as dirty and sinful?  It's beautiful and G-d created the mechanics of it.  We are higher animals with a soul and the ability to reason.  Sex fulfills it purpose under G-d's plan, that's where sin can come into play  - not that we desire it because it's innate, but that it's fulfilled within the confines of marriage for the purposes of preocreation and love of the family.  It's also the higher order of things.  I don't think that one is less spiritual for desiring to have sex.  Without that innate desire, no one would marry.  What for?   It's a necessary part of marriage and few are the marriage that survive without sex.  It is an holy act.


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## Guitarhero (Sep 9, 2011)

Brighteyes35 said:


> But see I think it's easier when you have been there done that. You've been married and have your kids.* Many of these women have never had that and that's where the struggle comes in*. The urgency I think is instinctual cause biologically speaking if it weren't ingrained in us, women would be having children in their 70's.............not good, LOL! That clock must go off to keep us on our toes per say.
> 
> But its great to have women like youself who are compassion. We def. need compassion and understanding for each other.



I'm actually the one defending a young singles sense of urgency to marry, not the other way around.  I was making a point that people who have already had sex/marriage/children should not truly poo-poo this sense of urgency in someone 1/2 their age.  I'm sure there is no 20-something here who desires marriage to wait until their 40's.  

And actually, I'm in child-bearing age and that desire never goes away, esp. when you see a newborn.  The juices start flowing.   You want that fresh baby to suckle at the breast.  And once you start having sex, to be cut off abruptly - let's just say, my struggles are going to be a bit more intense...believe me.    I'm FAR from the person saying they shouldn't "worry" (read...desire, have a sense of urgency).


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## LucieLoo12 (Sep 9, 2011)

Sex outside of marriage is dirty and sinful,...called fornication....thats the bible.God created sex for MARRIED people. Im single and yes, I was sexually active before I got saved, so I know their can be a struggle. BUT i also know there is deliverance in Jesus as well. You dont have to stay bound up either.You can be free. But alot of people feed their desires and bondages...how? (Example) Now Jane, wants to be married really bad. Its all she thinks about....but Jane also watches every love movie, reads every romance novel, listens to all types of love songs, talks about marriage all the time...thinks about it all day. and then wonders "why do i want to be married, I cant stop thinking about it...I really want a husband",.....well look at what Jane is putting into her spirit continously! No wonder she is battling this thing. If you noticed alot of the people said I'm not even thinking about, and those was the same ones that said, Im in no rush to get married. We bring ourselves into bondages with what we meditate on and set before our eyes. ONCE AGAIN, for the 10th million time, the DESIRE for marriage is not wrong, but be careful that it isnt driving you crazy. So a man thinks, so is he. You think you lonely and pitiful, thats exactly what you will be...

Im speaking from the point of someone who is 25, single, WAS sexually active ,SAVED, and waiting on God. I know the struggles and mindbattles that can come with singlehood, but i also know a man name Jesus that can comfort and make you  content until he blesses you.






Guitarhero said:


> Do people think of sex and desire for it as dirty and sinful? It's beautiful and G-d created the mechanics of it. We are higher animals with a soul and the ability to reason. Sex fulfills it purpose under G-d's plan, that's where sin can come into play - not that we desire it because it's innate, but that it's fulfilled within the confines of marriage for the purposes of preocreation and love of the family. It's also the higher order of things. I don't think that one is less spiritual for desiring to have sex. Without that innate desire, no one would marry. What for? It's a necessary part of marriage and few are the marriage that survive without sex. It is an holy act.


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## Poohbear (Sep 9, 2011)

LoveisYou said:


> but sex IS spiritual, struggling with lust is a spiritual warfare? We become spiritually connected to someone when we engage in sex so how is it not spiritual? I think the church should be having these very real conversations not shunning them.  We have natural sexual feelings, ignoring them doesn't mean they go away.
> Instead of reprimanding someone for having these very real concerns/urges maybe we can point to Biblical examples/ways to stand firm in Christ/overcome lust.



Sex is really physical. People want to make it like it's spiritual and write all these articles about soul ties and such, but we need to look to the word of God and Jesus Christ if we want to know about the spiritual. Our spiritual health is the only thing that is important when it comes to our souls. Our physical bodies will die. When we sin physically, we will suffer earthly consequences.  

Spiritual warfare is when we are at war against the things that are not of God and things that do not align with his word.  A struggle against sin is when we are fighting the flesh or suffering persecution for doing the RIGHT thing, NOT giving into the flesh like so many people want to say or think. 

People will say "I'm struggling with lust" or "I'm struggling with premarital sex"... no! You are desiring that lust, you are enjoying that premarital sex. You aren't struggling.


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## Poohbear (Sep 9, 2011)

Kinkyhairlady said:


> Why is this called a gift exactly? If being single was such a gift why did God give Adam a mate? I’m really not understanding this concept. If I end up being single for the rest of my life I will not die thinking I had a gift, I will die feeling pretty sad honestly. I just don’t get it.



Kinkyhairlady

First off, the Bible never refers to singlehood as a gift.  God is just saying that if you end up single, you are to care for the things of the Lord and be holy in both body and spirit as Ladybelle pointed out from 1 Corinthians 7:34.  Here is the context of that chapter in regards to the unmarried:

_25Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment, as one that hath obtained mercy of the Lord to be faithful.

 26I suppose therefore that this is good for the present distress, I say, that it is good for a man so to be.

 27Art thou bound unto a wife? seek not to be loosed. Art thou loosed from a wife? seek not a wife.

 28But and if thou marry, thou hast not sinned; and if a virgin marry, she hath not sinned. Nevertheless such shall have trouble in the flesh: but I spare you.

 29But this I say, brethren, the time is short: it remaineth, that both they that have wives be as though they had none;

 30And they that weep, as though they wept not; and they that rejoice, as though they rejoiced not; and they that buy, as though they possessed not;

 31And they that use this world, as not abusing it: for the fashion of this world passeth away.

 32But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord:

 33But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife.

 34There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.

 35And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.

 36But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin, if she pass the flower of her age, and need so require, let him do what he will, he sinneth not: let them marry.

 37Nevertheless he that standeth stedfast in his heart, having no necessity, but hath power over his own will, and hath so decreed in his heart that he will keep his virgin, doeth well.

 38So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.

 39The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.

 40But she is happier if she so abide, after my judgment: and I think also that I have the Spirit of God._


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## Guitarhero (Sep 9, 2011)

Alicialynn86 said:


> Sex outside of marriage is dirty and sinful,...called fornication....thats the bible.God created sex for MARRIED people. Im single and yes, I was sexually active before I got saved, so I know their can be a struggle. BUT i also know there is deliverance in Jesus as well. You dont have to stay bound up either.You can be free. But alot of people feed their desires and bondages...how? (Example) Now Jane, wants to be married really bad. Its all she thinks about....but Jane also watches every love movie, reads every romance novel, listens to all types of love songs, talks about marriage all the time...thinks about it all day. and then wonders "why do i want to be married, I cant stop thinking about it...I really want a husband",.....well look at what Jane is putting into her spirit continously! No wonder she is battling this thing. If you noticed alot of the people said I'm not even thinking about, and those was the same ones that said, Im in no rush to get married. We bring ourselves into bondages with what we meditate on and set before our eyes. ONCE AGAIN, for the 10th million time, the DESIRE for marriage is not wrong, but be careful that it isnt driving you crazy. So a man thinks, so is he. You think you lonely and pitiful, thats exactly what you will be...
> 
> Im speaking from the point of someone who is 25, single, WAS sexually active ,SAVED, and waiting on God. I know the struggles and mindbattles that can come with singlehood, but i also know a man name Jesus that can comfort and make you  content until he blesses you.




Um...I don't quite know how to respond to this...but you're just speaking in general, right?  I just wanted to address this particular point in light of just a few posts.   We're all sexual beings, no matter which age one is. As for sex being dirty, I don't believe it to be dirty in itself but that it can become a sinful act depending on HOW it is done.  I get the distinct feeling that some people loathe even the thought of sex as though it is something filthy.  If one removes the fact that humans desire sex and that christians will desire sex via marriage, it seems quite imbalanced.  It's biologically fueled in all humans.  It's sanctioned within marriage and we all know that marriage is a relationship, not just sex.  The biological support the spiritual union.  Folks are getting caught up on viewing sex as the only reason others wish to marry.  Is that actually true, though???    If people never desire sex, then I'd say that there is a psychological or physical problem. This is not to say one should not be balanced emotionally/spiritually.  I see quite a lot of extremism in this thread and it's confusing as to why.  You truly cannot have one without the other in a valid union....sex.....marriage.  It should be obvious that, in a CF, the higher spiritual plane of marriage and relationships is the number one reason for desiring marriage...but that biology rather pushes one towards taking those steps.  (Edited)


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## Poohbear (Sep 9, 2011)

Alicialynn86 is really making some good points in this thread. I definitely see what she is talking about. It makes me think further about my desire to get married. 

I see a few women here mentioning sex as a reason they want to get married. Well, think about why that is. Did you have such a big desire to get married when you were 5 years old? 10 years old? I know I did not. And I know that's back when I did not think about sex either nor having a boyfriend or man. Why is that? Because I was not exposed to alot of the vices in this world such as the sexual message that television and music give as well as some people at school.

I know some people desire to marry because of peer pressure from family or seeing all of their high school friends already married. That can be difficult to deal with too, but marriage is something that you never want to rush into. We should all just live day by day. I know alot of people advocate praying for that husband or praying for strength to wait on your husband, but we should be praying to strengthen our relationship with Jesus and then everything will fall into place. When we worry about getting married, it takes your focus off of what's really important which is our spiritual souls. This physical world does not last forever.


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## Afrobuttafly (Sep 9, 2011)

Guitarhero said:


> Um...I don't quite know how to respond to this...but you're just speaking in general, right?  I just wanted to address this particular point in light of just a few posts.   We're all sexual beings, no matter which age one is. As for sex being dirty, I don't believe it to be dirty in itself but that it can become a sinful act depending on HOW it is done.  I get the distinct feeling that some people loathe even the thought of sex as though it is something filthy.  If one removes the fact that humans desire sex and that christians will desire sex via marriage, it seems quite imbalanced.  It's biologically fueled in all humans.  It's sanctioned within marriage and we all know that marriage is a relationship, not just sex.  The biological support the spiritual union.  Folks are getting caught up on viewing sex as the only reason others wish to marry.  Is that actually true, though???    If people never desire sex, then I'd say that there is a psychological or physical problem. This is not to say one should not be balanced emotionally/spiritually.  I see quite a lot of extremism in this thread and it's confusing as to why.  You truly cannot have one without the other in a valid union....sex.....marriage.  It should be obvious that, in a CF, the higher spiritual plane of marriage and relationships is the number one reason for desiring marriage...but that biology rather pushes one towards taking those steps.  (Edited)



She didn't say sex was dirty. She said Sex outside of marriage. That the desire for sex is normal should go without saying. That desire is simply supposed to be fulfilled only in the confines of marriage, in the eyes of God.


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## Guitarhero (Sep 9, 2011)

Afrobuttafly said:


> She didn't say sex was dirty. She said Sex outside of marriage. That the desire for sex is normal should go without saying. That desire is simply supposed to be fulfilled only in the confines of marriage, in the eyes of God.



I wasn't talking about her, per se...I asked this question a few lines up because of several postings...just want to know how people view sex (as part of marriage, as the sometimes catalyst of those desiring to marry).  We're expounding on several posts.


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## Ladybelle (Sep 10, 2011)

Brighteyes35 said:


> You said the problem is the whole "finding a man mentality" which women technically should not have cause we are suppose to be found but then you went on to say dating today is very different. In essence, because dating has taken a turn for the worse, woman ARE having to find men cause men are not on the hunt. There are way more women in the church than men so basically you have more Christian women than men meaning less men are following the teachings of the bible and not trying to find wives and live according to the bible. This puts women in a comprismising situation cause they do have to go on the hunt and this is certainly not within God's plan.
> 
> I'm about to stir up some controversy here and just keep it real okay......
> 
> ...


 
I agree with the bolded, 100%. I think the feminist movement did have a somewhat negative impact on relationships, but on the same token- I enjoy my freedoms. I like making my own money, but I also love chivalry. It's a catch 22 I suppose. 



Alicialynn86 said:


> the problem is some people think that marriage is a "cure" for thier problems..if they battle with depression, lust, lonliness ETC. they think it will make it go away.But that is things that need healing and that healing is only through Jesus Christ. Why do you think so many people cheat on their spouses? Marriage cant cure you from lust. You will be married and still be lusting after someone else. People say I want companionship but you can be in a relationship and still be lonely. That true fulfillment can only come from Jesus Christ. and until they find that, they will always be wanting something.Im done


 
AMEN TO THIS! For real, marriage is not the cure to anything. In fact, it magnifies the problems that are already there. You have to be prepared to go into a marriage WHOLE & SELFLESS.  One of God's designs for marriage is to illustrate his love for the church and for his people. It's hard to show that when two people are joined together who don't know jack bone about that kind of love.  


LoveisYou said:


> but sex IS spiritual, struggling with lust is a spiritual warfare? We become spiritually connected to someone when we engage in sex so how is it not spiritual? I think the church should be having these very real conversations not shunning them. We have natural sexual feelings, ignoring them doesn't mean they go away.
> Instead of reprimanding someone for having these very real concerns/urges maybe we can point to Biblical examples/ways to stand firm in Christ/overcome lust.


 
I have to agree with you on this one. We are taught to wait and be patient and as taboo as it may be, sometimes we have to be taught how to keep our legs closed or how to train our flesh. Just because we are Christians does not mean we automatically become pro's at how to do it right. So, yeah- I see your point. I think some of us have a tendency to become so heavenly bound that we are no earthly good. If you can't be honest at church, where Godly counsel is supposed to come from, where can you?  


Bubblingbrownshuga said:


> Listen ladies who are going through the phase of:
> 
> God doesn't love you because you are still single.
> Crying because you don't have that special someone in your life.
> ...



Girl, you said that! Thanks is not enough. This.is.it in a nutshell. For real.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 10, 2011)

Guitarhero said:


> Do people think of sex and desire for it as dirty and sinful?  It's beautiful and G-d created the mechanics of it.  We are higher animals with a soul and the ability to reason.  Sex fulfills it purpose under G-d's plan, that's where sin can come into play  - not that we desire it because it's innate, but that it's fulfilled within the confines of marriage for the purposes of preocreation and love of the family.  It's also the higher order of things.  I don't think that one is less spiritual for desiring to have sex.  Without that innate desire, no one would marry.  What for?   It's a necessary part of marriage and few are the marriage that survive without sex.  It is an holy act.



What about those who are physically unable to have sex?  This is why I strongly disagree with your assessment.  There are people who still manage to have lasting marriages despite sexual limitations. That's why I don't believe that sex has the importance that you are referencing. It is a PART of marriage.  And while it doesn't make you less spiritual to desire sex, wanting to get married solely for sex or primarily for sex isn't spiritual. People can quote that scripture all day about it being better to marry than to burn, but it still isn't God's intention for you to run out and just get married to any ole man and use that scripture to justify it. It still doesn't mean He will bless that union. I also don't believe sex is a holy act. That's not the same as saying it is dirty and sinful. I just think people try to attach a more holy and spiritual meaning to it than it deserves so they can continue to excuse their lust.   

So back to my original question in this post, what if you marry a man and he is physically unable to have sex? Lets say you waited until marriage to have sex only for both of you to discover this problem    Nw based on the moaning about not having a mate in this thread and talking about companionship and having someone next to you at night and to hold your hand, what happens if that's ALL he can do?  What if God sends you a mate like that?  What then?


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## Kalani (Sep 10, 2011)

Guitarhero said:


> Folks are getting caught up on viewing sex as the only reason others wish to marry.  Is that actually true, though???    If people never desire sex, then I'd say that there is a psychological or physical problem. This is not to say one should not be balanced emotionally/spiritually.  *I see quite a lot of extremism in this thread and it's confusing as to why. * You truly cannot have one without the other in a valid union....sex.....marriage.  It should be obvious that, in a CF, the higher spiritual plane of marriage and relationships is the number one reason for desiring marriage...but that biology rather pushes one towards taking those steps.  (Edited)



Same here. When I came into this thread I surely did not expect to see the kind of responses I've been seeing. erplexed


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## LoveisYou (Sep 10, 2011)

Maybe I need to go back and read but who is satin they want to get married ONLY for sex....it seems like ppl are saying they want to enjoy ONE of the benefits of marriage, sexual intimacy with a husband, is that so wrong?


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## Ladybelle (Sep 11, 2011)

LoveisYou said:


> Maybe I need to go back and read but who is satin they want to get married ONLY for sex....it seems like ppl are saying they want to enjoy ONE of the benefits of marriage, sexual intimacy with a husband, is that so wrong?



Nope, nothing wrong with that and one of the reasons God tells us to marry is to avoid fornicating.

Sent from my PC36100 using PC36100


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## Ladybelle (Sep 11, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> What about those who are physically unable to have sex?  This is why I strongly disagree with your assessment.  There are people who still manage to have lasting marriages despite sexual limitations. That's why I don't believe that sex has the importance that you are referencing. It is a PART of marriage.  And while it doesn't make you less spiritual to desire sex, wanting to get married solely for sex or primarily for sex isn't spiritual. People can quote that scripture all day about it being better to marry than to burn, but it still isn't God's intention for you to run out and just get married to any ole man and use that scripture to justify it. It still doesn't mean He will bless that union. I also don't believe sex is a holy act. That's not the same as saying it is dirty and sinful. I just think people try to attach a more holy and spiritual meaning to it than it deserves so they can continue to excuse their lust.
> 
> So back to my original question in this post, what if you marry a man and he is physically unable to have sex? Lets say you waited until marriage to have sex only for both of you to discover this problem    Nw based on the moaning about not having a mate in this thread and talking about companionship and having someone next to you at night and to hold your hand, what happens if that's ALL he can do?  What if God sends you a mate like that?  What then?



Lets just say I would be thoroughly.disappointed! Marriage and no sex? I shall pray that if I do ever marry again, my husband wont have that problem and we will be very spiritually & sexually compatible. I mean, we see it over and over again in the bible when a scripture says "and he knew her" or " and she knew him" the word " knew" meant sex. Part of marriage is "knowing" each other in every way and loving each other in every way too- even if sex isnt always in the equation, but I KNOW that I wouldnt want a sexless marriage, at least not for a decade or so, lol! 

Sent from my PC36100 using PC36100


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## VelvetRain (Sep 11, 2011)

makeupgirl said:


> It's not just black women.  It's all types of women.



Yeah but the majority of women of other races are not complaining about the lack of suitable mates because they are married. Things are at a standhill in the black community. I could care less of the plight of women and care more about what's happening or not happening with black women. This board is full of black women so why focus on women in general?


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## makeupgirl (Sep 11, 2011)

VelvetRain said:


> Yeah but the majority of women of other races are not complaining about the lack of suitable mates because they are married. Things are at a standhill in the black community. I could care less of the plight of women and care more about what's happening or not happening with black women. This board is full of black women so why focus on women in general?



Ok that's true. I see your point now. Thanks


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 11, 2011)

Ladybelle said:


> Lets just say I would be thoroughly.disappointed! Marriage and no sex? I shall pray that if I do ever marry again, my husband wont have that problem and we will be very spiritually & sexually compatible. I mean, we see it over and over again in the bible when a scripture says "and he knew her" or " and she knew him" the word " knew" meant sex. Part of marriage is "knowing" each other in every way and loving each other in every way too- even if sex isnt always in the equation, but I KNOW that I wouldnt want a sexless marriage, at least not for a decade or so, lol!
> 
> Sent from my PC36100 using PC36100



I think we all know there's sex in the Bible. No one is saying otherwise. But it's something people should realize is not always a part of marriage.  I would hope that someone who had a spouse who could not have sex would still manage to be happy and fulfilled in their union.  And even though a little disappointment would be normal, if you would be ready to leave or divorce, then you should question your real motives for getting married.


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## Guitarhero (Sep 11, 2011)

Ladybelle said:


> I have to agree with you on this one. We are taught to wait and be patient and as taboo as it may be, sometimes we have to be taught how to keep our legs closed or how to train our flesh. Just because we are Christians does not mean we automatically become pro's at how to do it right. So, yeah- I see your point. *I think some of us have a tendency to become so heavenly bound that we are no earthly good. If you can't be honest at church, where Godly counsel is supposed to come from, where can you?  *



This right here.  As though we are not sexual beings cuz that would make us "worldly" or something.  Thank you.


Ladies, I hope I do not offend, but I'm just going to go and ask it.  Are African American women prudes and puritans?  Are they afraid of the sexual experience?  Are they running so far from sex that they cannot see that sex is a natural part of life and was divinely designed so?  What's this aversion to sex by the uber religious?  I'm serious and rather confused by it.


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## Guitarhero (Sep 11, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> What about those who are physically unable to have sex?  This is why I strongly disagree with your assessment.  There are people who still manage to have lasting marriages despite sexual limitations. That's why I don't believe that sex has the importance that you are referencing. It is a PART of marriage.  And while it doesn't make you less spiritual to desire sex, wanting to get married solely for sex or primarily for sex isn't spiritual. People can quote that scripture all day about it being better to marry than to burn, but it still isn't God's intention for you to run out and just get married to any ole man and use that scripture to justify it. It still doesn't mean He will bless that union. I also don't believe sex is a holy act.
> 
> 
> 
> That's not the same as saying it is dirty and sinful. I just think people try to attach a more holy and spiritual meaning to it than it deserves so they can continue to excuse their lust.   I think we all know there's sex in the Bible. No one is saying otherwise. But it's something people should realize is not always a part of marriage.  I would hope that someone who had a spouse who could not have sex would still manage to be happy and fulfilled in their union.  And even though a little disappointment would be normal, if you would be ready to leave or divorce, then you should question your real motives for getting married.



Yes, it certainly does occur and is tragic.  True marriage would work around this issue just like it would for the death of a child, the loss of a home, a job, livelihood in some way.  The marriage should survive...however, such tragic circumstances are not the norm for a marital union...sexless.  In my church, if you married someone knowing you could not or had an aversion to sex, you would have defrauded your spouse and rendered the marriage invalid for annulment.  In other words, you would not have entered into a true marital union (both sides).  I think we're focusing on the so-called normal cases.


As far as G-d blessing a marriage, if He's in it and it's being formed to His glory, then He is blessing it.  Does that mean there's a magic lock against adultery and unhappiness?  No.  Why?  Because man has free will.  He's the one who mucks it up, not G-d.  If someone wanted to enter into marriage knowing s/he cannot have sex, then it must be in the open.  I would not marry such a person as I desire marriage in its entirety.  You may not consider the sex act holy but you are not basing your opinion from a biblical standard.  Conception of life is a holy moment.  Why?  Cuz it is, from G-d's hand in creation.  Sex brings that about.  Sex within the confines of marriage is a holy act leading to the holy conception of life.  Life is precious.  There's not a darned thing wrong with people wanting to have sex in marriage.  If people want the sister/brother relationship, that's great.  If one wants to have the sexual relationship, it's not less spiritual than the sister/brother.

My point is this - these desires are normal and fuel the desire for marriage and bringing children into the world..."be fruitful and multiply" which was the world command. It doesn't mean that every single person has to marry.  It is certainly the norm.  Nothing wrong with it.  From the way it sounds here in this thread, young or older women who desire marriage in its complete form are considered frivolous or something.  No, they are not.  And I don'[t think that the vast majority of those who desire marriage, sex and children are ignoring developing their relationship with the Creator.  So, what's this aversion to the sexual experience?  It's not for everybody, I guess...but it is certainly for me.


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## Raspberry (Sep 11, 2011)

We have to be careful not to put men on pedestals.. they are not demi-gods who bestow their favor onto some lucky woman if she is a very good girl. They are imperfect and need to get it right with the Lord just like we do.. The awesome thing about God is that he takes the low-down, foolish, and despised things of the world and loves to transform them into something beautiful for his glory. The fact that he designed imperfect people to become one flesh to the testimony of His glory is amazing.. the bible itself describes marriage as a mystery.

God is good and merciful beyond imagination. The world browbeats women into competing for worthiness through looks and performance for men, lets not fall into the same mentality dressed up in sanctified language.  God is  the One who gives unfailing love, undeserved favor, He loves to bless His children and see them prosper...  We don't have to work at earning stuff from God, and it is prideful to think that we can jump through the right hoops and squeeze stuff out of heaven through works. To experience the very best God has for us is impossible without the transformative power of the Holy Spirit at work in our hearts on a daily basis. That's why we're commanded to keep our eyes on things above and to continually have our minds renewed => only then will we know God's perfect will for our lives.. outside of revelation from the Holy Spirit you can only work with human effort and logic, which is far inferior to God's favor and direction.


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## Raspberry (Sep 11, 2011)

VelvetRain said:


> I have had to shift my mind away from this finding and instead be content with what I have in my life now which is a stronger relationship with god. God understands my desire for a mate and honestly I don't feel that he will forsake me in my desire to to be found. God is capable of doing anything and bringing someone into your life according to his timetable and not yours. Sometimes I think we as women just need to be paitient during this time of wait. Cultivate a better personality and continue to be the best woman you can be.
> 
> Are you working in accordance with your prayers? Are you living your life right? How is your mentality in general? There are many reasons as to why many of us are single. Start some self reflection. My outlook these days is totally different. I'm simply not pressed about finding a mate anymore which is more than likely a huge reason I'm meeting a better caliber of men that I ever have in the past.
> 
> Also when you meet that man what is it about you that is so special that's going to make that man want to purchase that ring for you in the firist place? Dating today is very different. These men are not going to chase or pursue you. Why should they when there have many other options with woman who are going to look better than you and have better personalities than you? You have to be able to differentiate yourself from the others.



VelvetRain While I agree that one's focus should put God first in all things, outside of that I guess I'm a little confused by your post..?

For example, you say that women should be "found" by a man but then you say that men nowadays will not pursue you, and thus women have to make sure they can stick out and be extra special for the right man. Either a woman is right for a particular man and God's purposes for his/her life or she isn't, striving to be a super duper "good woman" to be found worthy of a man (who may not even be the right kind of man for her, regardless of the "good" label) can be a bondage in itself.  If a man is being Christ-led he is also expected to look for and pursue a woman who will help him live out God's particular plans for his life, not just a woman who fits a selfish prototype of perfection. 

Are you talking about Christian men in particular? That's what my focus is on, honestly I've never had issues attracting relationships with decent non-Christian men but when I decided to pursue godliness I've had to open my heart to a higher and more perfect way when it came to how I interacted with men. If are talking about non-Christian men my comments would be a lot different.

My ultimate conclusion is that God wants us to cultivate a love-walk with Him and the glorious adventure of the kingdom and our place in it.  From there we are in the right position/place to meet the right people and to receive the best gifts at the right time. If we are walking in the Spirit there are practical things that we will be compelled to do that will affect our destiny.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 11, 2011)

Guitarhero said:


> As far as G-d blessing a marriage, if He's in it and it's being formed to His glory, then He is blessing it.  Does that mean there's a magic lock against adultery and unhappiness?  No.  Why?  Because man has free will.  He's the one who mucks it up, not G-d.  If someone wanted to enter into marriage knowing s/he cannot have sex, then it must be in the open.  I would not marry such a person as I desire marriage in its entirety.  You may not consider the sex act holy but you are not basing your opinion from a biblical standard.  Conception of life is a holy moment.  Why?  Cuz it is, from G-d's hand in creation.  Sex brings that about.  Sex within the confines of marriage is a holy act leading to the holy conception of life.  Life is precious.  There's not a darned thing wrong with people wanting to have sex in marriage.  If people want the sister/brother relationship, that's great.  If one wants to have the sexual relationship, it's not less spiritual than the sister/brother.
> My point is this - these desires are normal and fuel the desire for marriage and bringing children into the world..."be fruitful and multiply" which was the worldcommand. It doesn't mean that every single person has to marry.  It is
> certainly the norm.  Nothing wrong with it.  From the way it sounds here in
> this thread, young or older women who desire marriage in its complete form
> ...


. There is no aversion to sex on my part. I just don't like it when people try to pretend their motives are rooted in holiness when they aren't.  Folks aren't thinking about holiness when they are talking about wanting peen. They just want to have their lust satisfied.


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## Raspberry (Sep 11, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> So back to my original question in this post, what if you marry a man and he is *physically unable to have sex?* Lets say you waited until marriage to have sex only for both of you to discover this problem    Nw based on the moaning about not having a mate in this thread and talking about companionship and having someone next to you at night and to hold your hand, what happens if that's ALL he can do?  What if God sends you a mate like that?  What then?



A man and woman aren't truly married (from a Biblical standpoint) until there is consummation so what do you mean by physically unable? Do you mean there could never be children? Or you mean he's a minute man but enough can dribble out for conception.. for many sexual problems doctors and therapies help. But to say that a woman would be wrong for having ahard time accepting both a sexless and childless marriage is being needlessly obtuse. 

I don't know what a woman should do in that situation, that couple would need to get good counsel and take it before the Lord.. I would also hope that the guy was aware of his eunuch status before he got married, otherwise he was being deceptive.

If there's a scenario where a couple can't have traditional sex due to illness, which happens.. Some women find out later on that they can't have children and they  often have a very long and hard emotional journey to accepting this. These are tough things for that couple to work through, and for someone to come from the outside and condemn a woman for having second thoughts and depression in these scenarios is being insensitive. From what I've read of some of these cases - ex. someone who becomes partly paralyzed because of an accident, the couple learns to modify their sex lives to find different ways to pleasure each other.  I would think that the length of a couple's marriage plays a big part into how they deal with major life interruptions.

nathansgirl1908 I find that you are creating holiness hoops for Christian women to jump through in this discussion. It's one thing to say that a huge focus on sex as a reason to get married is a mistake (I agree), but to say that God won't bless a woman with marriage unless she is willing to be in a sexless and childless marriage is ridiculous. I've never known a married man or woman to have these thoughts before marriage and God blessed their union just fine. In fact every engaged couple I know was all about dreams of picket fences, awesome sex, and cute kiddies . They learn over time that marriage isn't that simple.. but God is there to take them through the journey.  Life often has some hard challenges but we can only cross those bridges if/when we come to them and trust God to be there through it all, and I believe that's what God requires of us above all, trust.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 11, 2011)

Raspberry said:


> nathansgirl1908 I find that you are creating holiness hoops for Christian women to jump through in this discussion. It's one thing to say that a huge focus on sex as a reason to get married is a mistake (I agree), but to say that God won't bless a woman with marriage unless she is willing to be in a sexless and childless marriage is ridiculous.


 you're the one being ridiculous because that's NOT what I said.


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## aribell (Sep 11, 2011)

I hear people saying basically that a spirit of lust is a spirit of lust before or after marriage.  Married people who operate in lust and inordinate affections are still entertaining sin in their heart.  I think the bottom line is that lust and other sins are of the heart.  Fornication maybe a particular sinful act, but it proceeds from the heart.  Victory over such sin is definitely possible--such is the transformation Jesus can work.  

Sexual desire isn't lust, but sexual desires that cause distraction, preoccupation, or illicit activities if acted upon are lustful.  People have to know what is truly in their own hearts.  Again, the Lord can and will change your heart if that is an issue.  Not everyone has experienced such, but it is possible.

Basically we need to be free to have joy, worship and serve without being burdened down by our own desires.  If my hopes for my own life are a spiritual stumbling block then I need to bring those desires into submission.

Everyone should be able.to seek godly counsel about struggles, but godly counsel will help the person out of the struggle, not simply say "Aw, I understand."  It can be difficult to do what it takes to attain spiritual victory, but every real victory will be hard faught.  Paul said he pummled his body into subjection, so it's not as if it's going to be easy.

Sent from my LS670 using LS670


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## Poohbear (Sep 12, 2011)

Ladybelle said:


> Nope, nothing wrong with that and one of the reasons God tells us to marry is to avoid fornicating.
> 
> Sent from my PC36100 using PC36100



Ladybelle

But people are still fornicating during marriages today... So many stories of cheating husbands and wives. 

The Bible does not tell us to marry to avoid fornicating. The Bible actually says this:

*1 Corinthians 7:8-9

8I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I.

 9But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.*

In verse 8, Paul is actually instructing the unmarried and widows to "abide" meaning to stay in that state of being unmarried like he is doing himself.

In verse 9, the word "burn" does not mean "fornicate". It just means if the unmarried and widows cannot stand being unmarried for long, it's better for them to marry.

By the way, this is the King James Version and I know other versions may use different words but I believe that KJV is the most accurate translation.


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## LucieLoo12 (Sep 12, 2011)

Right! Dont get married , but get delivered



Poohbear said:


> @Ladybelle
> 
> But people are still fornicating during marriages today... So many stories of cheating husbands and wives.
> 
> ...


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## Ladybelle (Sep 12, 2011)

Poohbear said:


> @Ladybelle
> 
> But people are still fornicating during marriages today... So many stories of cheating husbands and wives.
> 
> ...


 
_*1 Corinthians 6:18-20 & 1 Corinthians 7:1-2*_​_"Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's. Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. *Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband."*_


Thanks for the explanation, but the bible does indeed instruct us to marry to avoid fornication. And, once you get married- it's no longer fornication, it's adultery. I know it's taboo and all, but SEX was designed for a purpose and it was designed for married folks to have.


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## Guitarhero (Sep 12, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> . There is no aversion to sex on my part. I just don't like it when people try to pretend their motives are rooted in holiness when they aren't.  Folks aren't thinking about holiness when they are talking about wanting peen. They just want to have their lust satisfied.



Um, who are you talking about, though?  You are simply incapable of making this distinction.  Desiring to have sex is not unholy.  I would not marry someone knowing they cannot have sex.  That is my G-d-given choice.  Desiring is not necessarily lusting.  You seem to have a horrid aversion to sex and marriage. Of course, just as your judgment, it can be likewise applied to you. To each his own..._exactl_y...allow those who wish for marriage and fulfilled marriage in its entirety to find it and those who do not, live in peaceful singlehood without judgments.  And I see how you're egging us on in this joke...I see you!


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## Guitarhero (Sep 12, 2011)

Ladybelle said:


> _*1 Corinthians 6:18-20 & 1 Corinthians 7:1-2*_​_"Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's. Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. *Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband."*_
> 
> 
> Thanks for the explanation, but the bible does indeed instruct us to marry to avoid fornication. And, once you get married- it's no longer fornication, it's adultery. I know it's taboo and all, but SEX was designed for a purpose and it was designed for married folks to have.



Yes, contained right in scriptures.  And why the admonition?  Because of our innate human nature to desire to have sex.  Man is the higher created being and can therefore, control his passions.  That is not an easy task and the solution for many is to marry and bring his sexuality under submission to the will of the Father which is the sexual experience through marriage.  Fidelity to G-d, fidelity to spouse...the human family being the microcosm of the heavenly family relationship.  

The bible also goes to tell married people to not hold back sex from their partners:


I Corinthians 7: 1-7

7:1 Now with regard to the issues you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of immoralities, each man should have relations with his own wife and each woman with her own husband. 3 A husband should give to his wife her sexual rights, and likewise a wife to her husband. 4 It is not the wife who has the rights to her own body, but the husband. In the same way, it is not the husband who has the rights to his own body, but the wife. 5 Do not deprive each other, except by mutual agreement for a specified time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then resume your relationship, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that everyone was as I am. But each has his own gift from God, one this way, another that.


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## Guitarhero (Sep 12, 2011)

One should know the cultural context in which the scripture was written but this can apply to all the ages.  I find this an easily understood translation n modern language, from The Message:


http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1+Corinthians+7&version=MSG

1 Corinthians 7
To Be Married, to Be Single . . .
 1 Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? 2-6Certainly—but only within a certain context. It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting—but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I'm not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence—only providing my best counsel if you should choose them. 7Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others. 

 8-9I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can't manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single. 

 10-11And if you are married, stay married. This is the Master's command, not mine. If a wife should leave her husband, she must either remain single or else come back and make things right with him. And a husband has no right to get rid of his wife. 

 12-14For the rest of you who are in mixed marriages—Christian married to non-Christian—we have no explicit command from the Master. So this is what you must do. If you are a man with a wife who is not a believer but who still wants to live with you, hold on to her. If you are a woman with a husband who is not a believer but he wants to live with you, hold on to him. The unbelieving husband shares to an extent in the holiness of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is likewise touched by the holiness of her husband. Otherwise, your children would be left out; as it is, they also are included in the spiritual purposes of God. 

 15-16On the other hand, if the unbelieving spouse walks out, you've got to let him or her go. You don't have to hold on desperately. God has called us to make the best of it, as peacefully as we can. You never know, wife: The way you handle this might bring your husband not only back to you but to God. You never know, husband: The way you handle this might bring your wife not only back to you but to God. 

 17And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don't think I'm being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 12, 2011)

Guitarhero said:


> Um, who are you talking about, though?  You are simply incapable of making this distinction.  Desiring to have sex is not unholy.  I would not marry someone knowing they cannot have sex.  That is my G-d-given choice.  Desiring is not necessarily lusting.  You seem to have a horrid aversion to sex and marriage. Of course, just as your judgment, it can be likewise applied to you. To each his own..._exactl_y...allow those who wish for marriage and fulfilled marriage in its entirety to find it and those who do not, live in peaceful singlehood without judgments.  And I see how you're egging us on in this joke...I see you!



It's obvious from comments in this thread alone that they are viewing it as a holy.  I'm not incapable of recognizing this.  

But I am laughing at your pathetic attempts to make it seem I have a horrid aversion to sex or marriage.  I just don't believe in focusing on sex until you are beside yourself and frustrated with a lack of a husband. If you can't understand that, then you have a problem.    it always cracks me up how people try to make it seem like you hate sex just because you aren't an advocate for screwing around or you believe people should have some self control.


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## StarScream35 (Sep 12, 2011)

VelvetRain said:


> If you are meeting jerk after jerk after jerk who's problem is that really? Afterall what are you doing to attract those type of men? You want a good man. Well how many women can truly say that are that good woman that would attract that best or good man? You can have a good job making six figures, be a homeowner, crazy 401k but none of that stuff makes you a good woman. I love how people are so quick to dismiss biblical advice as if it's not relevant to our time period.
> 
> These still quality men out here sorry if that's not your reality.


 
Material stuff set aside, you and I both know there is a serious problem here in the black community and MUCH of it DOES NOT fall on the black woman. Spend a year in Atlanta and then come back and holla at me. 

And I'm not dismissing biblical truth. I've been a follower for years, however truth of the matter is things ARE different in the realm of dating. There was a time women did not ask men out but women do just nowadays. I think you are getting biblical culture confused with biblical teachings.


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## StarScream35 (Sep 12, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> yeah you can keep it real but let's be real about the fact that you getting laid is not on God's priority list. And He's not going to send you some sorry man so you can do so. You should be thankful that He loves you so much that He is protecting you from foolishness.


 
True BUT lets keep it real, God created sex and the desire for it so who are you to say it's NOT on his priority list? He created Eve after he saw how lonely Adam was so...............I'm just saying


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## Poohbear (Sep 12, 2011)

Ladybelle said:


> _*1 Corinthians 6:18-20 & 1 Corinthians 7:1-2*_​_"Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's. Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. *Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband."*_
> 
> 
> Thanks for the explanation, but the bible does indeed instruct us to marry to avoid fornication. And, once you get married- it's no longer fornication, it's adultery. I know it's taboo and all, but SEX was designed for a purpose and it was designed for married folks to have.



I was going to post and explain verse 2. I believe you are reading it incorrectly. 

This verse is still not saying to marry to avoid fornication. 

It's saying to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife and every woman have her own husband. 

There is a difference.  Verse 2 means a man and woman shall have "no one else" and should "only have each other". If a man and woman is going to get married, they must not fornicate, cheat, or commit adultery.


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## Guitarhero (Sep 12, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> It's obvious from comments in this thread alone that they are viewing it as a holy.  I'm not incapable of recognizing this.
> 
> But I am laughing at your pathetic attempts to make it seem I have a horrid aversion to sex or marriage.  I just don't believe in focusing on sex until you are beside yourself and frustrated with a lack of a husband. If you can't understand that, then you have a problem.    it always cracks me up how people try to make it seem like you hate sex just because you aren't an advocate for screwing around or you believe people should have some self control.



No, you are incapable of recognizing where someone's heart is when you make false judgments about how they view sex.  

But anyway, I view sex in marriage and conception as a holy act.  It all depends upon your church and its teaching....or non-church and your interpretation etc.  cuz not everyone attends "church" in a traditional building/organization.

I comprehend people making themselves sick for lack of a husband and agree it's harmful.  However, tou seem to on for those who are following their innate humanity, desiring the formation of family.  What's up with that?  You don't have to marry...that's obvious, isn't it?


----------



## Guitarhero (Sep 12, 2011)

Brighteyes35 said:


> True BUT lets keep it real, God created sex and the desire for it so who are you to say it's NOT on his priority list? He created Eve after he saw how lonely Adam was so...............I'm just saying



Praise the L-rd for sex...it's wonderful lolol!  Of course, I'm a near addict...


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## Laela (Sep 12, 2011)

Christian marriages are falling apart in large part, because people are *CHOOSING *to run away from their development! Marriage is a lifelong commitment and challenges the very core of self...a refinemenet process I believe will help us truly reflect the image of God. I also believe one can achieve this level in singlehood by the power of the Holy Spirit if that is their choice..God will gift that person with the ability to not sin against Him,

Don't fool yourself into believing sex is JUST physical. That's one of the biggest lies the devil ever told. Amein~




Poohbear said:


> @Ladybelle
> 
> But people are still fornicating during marriages today... So many stories of cheating husbands and wives.
> 
> ...


----------



## Laela (Sep 12, 2011)

I see and understand what you mean...there are other ways to avoid fornication, abstinence is one.




Poohbear said:


> I was going to post and explain verse 2. I believe you are reading it incorrectly.
> 
> This verse is still not saying to marry to avoid fornication.
> 
> ...


----------



## Ladybelle (Sep 12, 2011)

Poohbear said:


> I was going to post and explain verse 2. I believe you are reading it incorrectly.
> 
> This verse is still not saying to marry to avoid fornication.
> 
> ...


 
To me it's pretty clear, but it's okay for us to interpret differently and/or disagree. 

I mean, heaven forbid God instructed us to marry to avoid having sex outside of marriage. That would be assinine wouldn't it?


----------



## Ladybelle (Sep 12, 2011)

Laela said:


> Christian marriages are falling apart in large part, because people are *CHOOSING *to run away from their development! Marriage is a lifelong commitment and challenges the very core of self...a refinemenet process I believe will help us truly reflect the image of God. I also believe one can achieve this level in singlehood by the power of the Holy Spirit if that is their choice..God will gift that person with the ability to not sin against Him,
> 
> Don't fool yourself into believing sex is JUST physical. That's one of the biggest lies the devil ever told. Amein~


 
That is true, and in my opinon people viewing sex as just "sex" is one of the reasons marriage doesn't hold the esteem or respect it used to.


----------



## Ladybelle (Sep 12, 2011)

Guitarhero said:


> Yes, contained right in scriptures. And why the admonition? Because of our innate human nature to desire to have sex. Man is the higher created being and can therefore, control his passions. That is not an easy task and the solution for many is to marry and bring his sexuality under submission to the will of the Father which is the sexual experience through marriage. Fidelity to G-d, fidelity to spouse...the human family being the microcosm of the heavenly family relationship.
> 
> The bible also goes to tell married people to not hold back sex from their partners:
> 
> ...


 
It's not that complicated to me, sex serves a purpose in marriage. It's not the be all & end of marriage but it certainly has it's place. We can deal in extremes and say "what if" but that does not change God's design for sex  in a marriage.  A man is supposed to provide, but what if he becomes handicapped? The extreme illustrations are not the normal and are the exception to God's design for the thing. 

The act of sex itself is supposed to be a covenant,  when a virginal woman has sex with her husband for the first time her hymen is broken and the blood is symbolic of the covenant now made between them. If one researches other covenant relationships in the bible, you will see the same type of example. Even those who take communion, the wine is symbolic of the blood of Jesus and we are drinking it to remember our covenant with Christ.


----------



## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 12, 2011)

Brighteyes35 said:


> True BUT lets keep it real, God created sex and the desire for it so who are you to say it's NOT on his priority list? He created Eve after he saw how lonely Adam was so...............I'm just saying



What exactly ARE you saying here?  The Word doesn't say He created Eve so that Adam could have sex. It said because he was lonely. How do you ascertain sex from that?  That's reaching. 

I can't believe how people are using scripture to justify their feelings concerning sex.   Nowhere in the Word does it say sex is a PRIORITY from God's view with respect to marriage.  Nowhere.  In fact, I would argue that sex is downplayed to an extent and treated as something that you should do in the confines of marriage if you just can't contain yourself.     God's heart towards matters in general can be found in the Word. We don't have to question anything.  And God didn't create sexual desire as a prequel to marriage.


----------



## makeupgirl (Sep 12, 2011)

Laela said:


> Christian marriages are falling apart in large part, because people are *CHOOSING *to run away from their development! Marriage is a lifelong commitment and challenges the very core of self...a refinemenet process I believe will help us truly reflect the image of God. I also believe one can achieve this level in singlehood by the power of the Holy Spirit if that is their choice..God will gift that person with the ability to not sin against Him,
> 
> *Don't fool yourself into believing sex is JUST physical. That's one of the biggest lies the devil ever told. Amein*~



thank you Laela for this.  the devil is very tricky and this is just one of his ways to trick anyone by saying that sex is just physical.  Sex is emotional and physical.


----------



## makeupgirl (Sep 12, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> What exactly ARE you saying here?  The Word doesn't say He created Eve so that Adam could have sex. It said because he was lonely. How do you ascertain sex from that?  That's reaching.
> 
> I can't believe how people are using scripture to justify their feelings concerning sex.   Nowhere in the Word does it say sex is a PRIORITY from God's view with respect to marriage.  Nowhere.  In fact, I would argue that sex is downplayed to an extent and treated as something that you should do in the confines of marriage if you just can't contain yourself.     God's heart towards matters in general can be found in the Word. We don't have to question anything.  And God didn't create sexual desire as a prequel to marriage.



I believe that God created Eve to be a helpmeet for Adam, since he said "it is not good for man to be alone"  Obviously Adam and Eve had sex based on the fact that Gen 4 says that they knew each other (aka they had sex, made love)  and since that is one of the ways children can be conceived. Yeah!   Sex within the marriage whelm is a form of worship unto God, especially since its being done with the way it was designed to be which is within marriage bed.  I would have to ask God himself if he did or did not create sexual desire as a prequel to marriage.  The desire could be a combination of God's desire for us that is natural but also the desire that Satan has influenced which is undefiled sexual immorality.  I mean obviously sex is not a gray area.  We have plenty of STD's because of sexual immorality.  It doesn't take a PHD to figure that out.  It's best to get married to quench that burning desire, than to act on impulse and do whatever that is immoral to get that physical release.  Maybe this is what Paul was saying in 1 Cor 7.


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## Poohbear (Sep 13, 2011)

Laela said:


> Don't fool yourself into believing sex is JUST physical. That's one of the biggest lies the devil ever told. Amein~[/SIZE][/FONT]





Ladybelle said:


> That is true, and in my opinon people viewing sex as just "sex" is one of the reasons marriage doesn't hold the esteem or respect it used to.





makeupgirl said:


> thank you Laela for this.  the devil is very tricky and this is just one of his ways to trick anyone by saying that sex is just physical.  Sex is emotional and physical.



Laela, Ladybelle, makeupgirl,

This isn't something the devil told me.  I'm saying sex is physical in the sense that you use your physical bodies in order to commit a sexual act, whether you are married or not.

The soul is the only thing that is spiritual.  The soul is asexual meaning that it does not experience sexual attraction.  Do you really think after we die, we'll be up in heaven having spiritual sex with our husbands? I don't think so. Our minds, our hearts, our emotions, our psych, all that has to do with our earthly bodies.

And I did not say "sex is just sex". It affects us physically and in an earthly sense, but not spiritually.  You can suffer consequences of sex whether you are married or not. You can contract an STD and die whether you have premarital sex or whether wait to be a virgin to get married.  

Marriage does not hold the esteem or respect it used to because people simply do not take marriage seriously, not necessarily because of their views on sex.  Some people get all wrapped up in the wedding and feelings without seeing that a marriage is really a serious, devoted, life-long commitment between a man and woman. Marriage entails so much more than sex. That's the point I was really trying to make.


----------



## Poohbear (Sep 13, 2011)

Ladybelle said:


> To me it's pretty clear, but it's okay for us to interpret differently and/or disagree.
> 
> I mean, heaven forbid God instructed us to marry to avoid having sex outside of marriage. That would be assinine wouldn't it?



Ladybelle

You're right that it's okay to have different views. These are just my thoughts on those verses. 

I just heard too many people add "in lust" after the verse "It's better to marry than to burn".  The Bible does not say "burn in lust".  That's people's interpretation, but if they read before that, it just really means burn in their unmarried or widowed state.  

But I do agree with you that sex does have it's place in marriages and I feel sex is important in marriages, just not the only thing that single people should be concerned with in their desire to get married.


----------



## Poohbear (Sep 13, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> *What exactly ARE you saying here?  The Word doesn't say He created Eve so that Adam could have sex. It said because he was lonely. How do you ascertain sex from that?  That's reaching.
> *
> I can't believe how people are using scripture to justify their feelings concerning sex.   Nowhere in the Word does it say sex is a PRIORITY from God's view with respect to marriage.  Nowhere.  In fact, I would argue that sex is downplayed to an extent and treated as something that you should do in the confines of marriage if you just can't contain yourself.     God's heart towards matters in general can be found in the Word. We don't have to question anything.  And God didn't create sexual desire as a prequel to marriage.



nathansgirl1908

Good point here!  Before Adam and Eve had knowledge of good and evil, they were a married couple that had no thought of sex. Adam just needed a companion or a helper. That's what being a wife really is all about in a marriage.

Adam and Eve didn't have sex until after the Fall of Man (when they first sinned in the Garden of Eden). That's when they gave birth to Cain and Abel.


----------



## Ladybelle (Sep 13, 2011)

Poohbear said:


> @Laela, @Ladybelle, @makeupgirl,
> 
> This isn't something the devil told me. I'm saying sex is physical in the sense that you use your physical bodies in order to commit a sexual act, whether you are married or not.
> 
> ...


 

No disrespect, but I think you are wrong. 

Plenty of things we do with our bodies affect us spiritually. We curse with our mouths, we take drugs with our mouths, we kill with our hands, we overeat, we lie, we steal, and the list goes on and on. These things done with our physical bodies affect us spiritually. In fact we get can get so spiritually dirty from our physical & emotional acts, that we have to ask _God to Renew in us a Clean heart (Psalm 51:10_). Or do you disagree with that too? 

And, I'm not sure what bible you are reading or if you just choose not to see it but the bible does talk about SEX in marriage & the relevance of it. In fact, he tells husband & wives not to withold themselves from each other unless for fasting or both of them agree to it, he talks about the marriage bed being undefiled, he instructs those of us who can't abstain to marry and don't get me started on the Songs of Solomon, this book itself is like a Christian Zane novel!! 

I think you-- and I say this as gently as I know how and with no ill intent, are doing yourself a disservice to think God didn't design sex for a reason and with a purpose in marriage. 

I can only speak from my own experience, my own understanding and beliefs but sex is very spiritual, or is supposed to be. I'm gonna think about it somemore and see if I can explain it better. 

where's @Shimmie when you need her?


----------



## LucieLoo12 (Sep 13, 2011)

Poohbear said:


> @Ladybelle
> 
> You're right that it's okay to have different views. These are just my thoughts on those verses.
> 
> ...


 

So preaching! You can have that "good sex" in marriage and that rascal treat you horrible!  Sex is important but why has that been the only aspect of a marriage pointed out, or alot empahsis has been placed on? We relate sex to intimacy but its more than that. its a form of intimacy but its not the core of intimacy. Intimacy is when my husband can know whats going on with me without me even having to speak a word. He would just know me that well... Someone thats a bestfriend to me and someone who can desire me for more than just a sex partner, and when he looks at me he dont just think "Man I wanna sex  her", but he thinks, "Man this precious jewel belongs to me"... I know it may sound corny but I want someone who not only admires me physically but spiritually as well


----------



## Ladybelle (Sep 13, 2011)

Alicialynn86 said:


> So preaching! You can have that "good sex" in marriage and that rascal treat you horrible!  Sex is important but why has that been the only aspect of a marriage pointed out, or alot empahsis has been placed on? We relate sex to intimacy but its more than that. its a form of intimacy but its not the core of intimacy. Intimacy is when my husband can know whats going on with me without me even having to speak a word. He would just know me that well... Someone thats a bestfriend to me and someone who can desire me for more than just a sex partner, and when he looks at me he dont just think "Man I wanna sex her", but he thinks, "Man this precious jewel belongs to me"... I know it may sound corny but I want someone who not only admires me physically but spiritually as well


 

I agree.  I don't know how the conversation began to focus on sex.   

Of course it's not the only thing to focus on. Absolutely not, I agree with that. But, there' nothing wrong with sex being on your priority list.  It's okay for us to be specific in our prayers.   "Lord, I want a husband after your own heart, who's faithful, responsible, caring and good in bed... ".    Is it a sin to want good sex in your marriage?   I think that's where the disagreement came in.


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## LucieLoo12 (Sep 13, 2011)

*Ladybelle-Poohbear isnt  saying sex isnt important at all, she is just saying marriage is made up of more compenents than sex. She is saying that sex isnt the foundation of someone's marriage *



Ladybelle said:


> No disrespect, but I think you are wrong.
> 
> Plenty of things we do with our bodies affect us spiritually. We curse with our mouths, we take drugs with our mouths, we kill with our hands, we overeat, we lie, we steal, and the list goes on and on. These things done with our physical bodies affect us spiritually. In fact we get can get so spiritually dirty from our physical & emotional acts, that we have to ask _God to Renew in us a Clean heart (Psalm 51:10_). Or do you disagree with that too?
> 
> ...


----------



## Ladybelle (Sep 13, 2011)

Alicialynn86 said:


> *@Ladybelle-Poohbear isnt saying sex isnt important at all, she is just saying marriage is made up of more compenents than sex. She is saying that sex isnt the foundation of someone's marriage *


 

Why are you yelling at me though?? Me no like that. 


I see that now, I read that after I had already posted my response. So, my apologies to Poohbear for my misreading. 

We agree on that part.  Marriage is made up of waaaaay more components than sex, that's for doggone sure!


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## LucieLoo12 (Sep 13, 2011)

I wouldnt say its a sin, but if I get someone that is after God's own heart, faithful and responsible, but he not's that good in bed, does that mean I got a bad husband.? NO.I'm not going to base my husband's worth or value on his sexual skills. When u enter into a marriage, yall have to learn each other and if he dont please you sexually, thats something that you may have to teach him. and vice versa, you may not be that sexually appeasing to him as well,you wouldnt want him to disregard you for that..I'm just saying......



Ladybelle said:


> I agree. I don't know how the conversation began to focus on sex.
> 
> Of course it's not the only thing to focus on. Absolutely not, I agree with that. But, there' nothing wrong with sex being on your priority list. It's okay for us to be specific in our prayers. "Lord, I want a husband after your own heart, who's faithful, responsible, caring and good in bed... ".  Is it a sin to want good sex in your marriage? I think that's where the disagreement came in.


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## LucieLoo12 (Sep 13, 2011)

lol!! Im sorry, that wasnt my intention to seem like I was yelling!!  Sorry, I just like the big font.!!!


Ladybelle said:


> Why are you yelling at me though?? Me no like that.
> 
> 
> I see that now, I read that after I had already posted my response. So, my apologies to Poohbear for my misreading.
> ...


----------



## Ladybelle (Sep 13, 2011)

Alicialynn86 said:


> I wouldnt say its a sin, but if I get someone that is after God's own heart, faithful and responsible, but he not's that good in bed, does that mean I got a bad husband.? NO.I'm not going to base my husband's worth or value on his sexual skills. When u enter into a marriage, yall have to learn each other and if he dont please you sexually, thats something that you may have to teach him. and vice versa, you may not be that sexually appeasing to him as well,you wouldnt want him to disregard you for that..I'm just saying......


 
No prob.  I see what you're saying and I would agree with that also.


----------



## Poohbear (Sep 13, 2011)

Ladybelle said:


> No disrespect, but I think you are wrong.
> 
> Plenty of things we do with our bodies affect us spiritually. We curse with our mouths, we take drugs with our mouths, we kill with our hands, we overeat, we lie, we steal, and the list goes on and on. These things done with our physical bodies affect us spiritually. In fact we get can get so spiritually dirty from our physical & emotional acts, that we have to ask _God to Renew in us a Clean heart (Psalm 51:10_). Or do you disagree with that too?
> 
> ...



Ladybelle,

Ut oh, team Shimmie here.  Shimmie is not God people!!! I do NOT need Shimmie's interpretation on this matter.

I did NOT say God didn't design sex for marriage. Geez. I believe he did! I believe sex should only be between a husband and wife. You're just completely missing my point.

And all that stuff you mentioned about cursing, taking drugs, eating, etc is all done with our physical bodies.

By the way, withholding from your husband or wife doesn't always mean sex either.

And the Song of Solomon, they were admiring the beauty in each other. It wasn't just sexual related.  You can admire the beauty in someone and not be sexually attracted to them.

But anyway, I just have a different view about our spiritual than others here and in real life.  Don't get me started on the sinning Christian concept again.  I just feel like we are both physical and spiritual beings. There is a physical and spiritual realm.  So to me, there's a difference in physical sin and spiritual sin.

Physical sin is what we do wrong in our physical bodies. Physical sin ends in physical death meaning our bodies will eventually die and suffer earthly consequences as we are living. The physical is only temporary.

Spiritual sin is thinking that what you do physically can either please or displease God or determine your spiritual salvation. So whatever we do in our physical bodies cannot please or displease God spiritually.  However, what we do in the physical can please or displease God physically, hence our receipt of physical blessings or curses.


----------



## Ladybelle (Sep 13, 2011)

Poohbear said:


> @Ladybelle,
> 
> Ut oh, team Shimmie here.  Shimmie is not God people!!! I do NOT need Shimmie's interpretation on this matter.
> 
> ...



You're not team Shimmie??   I can't believe that.  I kid, I kid. 

I saw your point AFTER I had already responded, so my bad.  

And, although I agree with some of your points, we still disagree on others and that's okay. 

I believe that what we do in the physical can very well affect our spiritual beings & vice versa.  But, I'm no master theologian or anything, so no one has to take my word for anything. In fact, God tells us to prove every man a liar & search the scriptures for ourselves.


----------



## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Sep 13, 2011)

ITA ..........



Ladybelle said:


> I can only speak from my own experience, my own understanding and beliefs but *sex is very spiritual*, or is supposed to be. I'm gonna think about it somemore and see if I can explain it better.
> 
> where's @Shimmie when you need her?


----------



## Laela (Sep 13, 2011)

Remember when God blessed man in Genesis and told them to "be fruitful and multiply?" That's why....the matrix (womb) is the entrance for us to come to earth, from the father, to make way for Him (Jesus) after the fall of man.

We were created in the middle of a war and this thing is deeper than we may think or care to admit.

Genesis 1
 _26 Then God said, “Let us  make mankind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over  the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all  the wild animals,[a] and over all the creatures that  move along the ground.” __ 27  So God created mankind in his own image, 
   in the image of God he  created them; 
   male and female he created them. _
_ 28 *God blessed them and said to  them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.  Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every  living creature that moves on the ground.” *_




Alicialynn86 said:


> So preaching! You can have that "good sex" in marriage and that rascal treat you horrible!  Sex is important but why has that been the only aspect of a marriage pointed out, or alot empahsis has been placed on? We relate sex to intimacy but its more than that. its a form of intimacy but its not the core of intimacy. Intimacy is when my husband can know whats going on with me without me even having to speak a word. He would just know me that well... Someone thats a bestfriend to me and someone who can desire me for more than just a sex partner, and when he looks at me he dont just think "Man I wanna sex  her", but he thinks, "Man this precious jewel belongs to me"... I know it may sound corny but I want someone who not only admires me physically but spiritually as well


----------



## Laela (Sep 13, 2011)

Ladybelle said:


> where's @Shimmie when you need her?


----------



## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Sep 13, 2011)

^^I wondered where she was too....


----------



## Guitarhero (Sep 13, 2011)

Ladybelle said:


> .
> 
> The act of sex itself is supposed to be a covenant,  when a virginal woman has sex with her husband for the first time her hymen is broken and the blood is symbolic of the covenant now made between them. If one researches other covenant relationships in the bible, you will see the same type of example. Even those who take communion, the wine is symbolic of the blood of Jesus and we are drinking it to remember our covenant with Christ.



  I agree.  Even our rabbi was talking about the symbolism of the pain associated with the deflowering.  


To the general discussion:

I don't want anyone to think that anyone here is pushing sex as the sole impetus to desiring marriage, it's part of it.  I don't see where anyone has been more concerned about the sex than the relationship itself.  Afterall, it's a family in formation.  Just saying you like sex does not indicate that you are imbalanced.  It depends upon your own psyche and physiology...some are more in-tune with their bodies than others.  Some others view sex on a diff. level than others.  It's not one way or the highway, or at least, it shouldn't be.


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## Ladybelle (Sep 13, 2011)

Guitarhero said:


> I was agreeing with your post.... I certainly understand the communion, we have the transubstantiated one...so for us, it's not symbolic, it actually becomes it. I fully comprehend and was supporting your statements. It was a high-five of sorts with the scripture attached because your post reminded me of it.


 

 We are >>here<<< .


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## Guitarhero (Sep 13, 2011)

^^^I re-edited cuz I posted in haste lol!


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 16, 2011)

Guitarhero said:


> I agree.  Even our rabbi was talking about the symbolism of the pain associated with the deflowering.
> 
> 
> To the general discussion:
> ...


You keep saying this, but different posts indicate to ME that sex IS a huge part of it. I'm not going to ignore that when it's staring me in the face.


----------



## Guitarhero (Sep 16, 2011)

But that's just YOUR interpretation of what one is saying and I think I know why, you are so focused on its irrelevance to life according to how you  wish to live out your life.  For married's, sex is definitely a huge part of marriage because it's a very intimate form of communication.  It's not the only form but there is a divinely-placed space for it there.  There's nothing wrong with it.  Shrugs.


----------



## aribell (Sep 17, 2011)

makeupgirl said:


> I believe that God created Eve to be a helpmeet for Adam, since he said "it is not good for man to be alone"  Obviously Adam and Eve had sex based on the fact that Gen 4 says that they knew each other (aka they had sex, made love)  and since that is one of the ways children can be conceived. Yeah!   Sex within the marriage whelm is a form of worship unto God, especially since its being done with the way it was designed to be which is within marriage bed.  I would have to ask God himself if he did or did not create sexual desire as a prequel to marriage.  The desire could be a combination of God's desire for us that is natural but also the desire that Satan has influenced which is undefiled sexual immorality.  I mean obviously sex is not a gray area.  We have plenty of STD's because of sexual immorality.  It doesn't take a PHD to figure that out.  It's best to get married to quench that burning desire, than to act on impulse and do whatever that is immoral to get that physical release.  Maybe this is what Paul was saying in 1 Cor 7.




This may or may not coincide with what makeupgirl is saying, but it sparked some thoughts for me.  Basically the point about Adam in the Garden kinda made it clear to me that Adam's sexual desire was not that which moved God's hand to create Eve.  God had a purpose in mind for marriage, but sexual desire was not the impetus for its creation.  Now, sex sealed the covenant and enabled Adam and Eve to become one and to produce offspring--so obviously sex is a central bond within marriage; but I think it is important to recognize the difference between something playing a central role in marriage, and seeking marriage in order to experience the pleasure of that thing.

Now, if God's purpose in ordaining marriage was not to fulfill some sexual desire of Adam's, perhaps before praying to the Lord for a spouse we ought to figure out and get on board with what His purpose actually is for marriage, for James says:  "...you do not have because you do not ask.  You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures."  There may be many pleasures to be had within marriage, but I do not believe that those pleasures ought to be what motivate us to seek it.  As far as I understand it, choosing marriage is about choosing to step into God's chosen order, it is a choice to raise godly children as the Lord enables, it is a choice to live out the Lord's established system of authority--which for us women means being under authority, that of our husband, and to work within the Body of Christ.  I believe we each have to discern how marriage fits into our _Kingdom_ service and only then approach the Lord about it in supplication.
----------------

I've read Paul's admonition about it being better to marry than to burn as simply recognizing individual weaknesses.  But I do not believe that his words were meant to say that it's unavoidable to burn.  _You do not have to burn with passion_.  I believe Paul's words are commonsense wisdom, kind of like saying that it's wiser if a dating couple doesn't spend a lot of time alone together in order to avoid sexual impurity--but that doesn't mean that if a dating couple does happen to be alone together than sin is unavoidable.  Such a couple would be expected to be stronger than the temptation and to be able to exercise self-control.    

I honestly think that we are afraid to allow God to order our inordinate affections.  As fallen humans, we are so used to the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life ruling us that we can't really imagine how life would really be if those things weren't dominating our mind, will and emotions.  To be able to simply enjoy a good thing without it driving us seems to be so difficult.  And people who can honestly say, "If I have it, I'll enjoy it, but if I don't, I'm not moved," others often see as unfeeling or too ascetic.

I believe that many (no one specific) don't want to lay down this passionate burning because of an attachment to the idea of the pleasure it's fulfillment will bring.  People (again, no one specific) have a fantasy of how great their life will be and how it will make them feel, and this passionate drive they see as the way to the fulfillment of that fantasy.  So they hold on and let it drive them (many times up a wall!).

_Nothing should drive us_ save the Spirit of God.  Really.  We need to be normal, benign, neutral.  In that state, we simply want _His_ will and enjoy whatever good He provides us.  Everything is better after it's released to God because then our emotions aren't driven all over the place depending on it.


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## Mis007 (Sep 17, 2011)

Brighteyes35 said:


> You said the problem is the whole "finding a man mentality" which women technically should not have cause we are suppose to be found but then you went on to say dating today is very different. In essence, because dating has taken a turn for the worse, woman ARE having to find men cause men are not on the hunt. There are way more women in the church than men so basically you have more Christian women than men meaning less men are following the teachings of the bible and not trying to find wives and live according to the bible. This puts women in a comprismising situation cause they do have to go on the hunt and this is certainly not within God's plan.
> 
> I'm about to stir up some controversy here and just keep it real okay......
> 
> As much as the feminist movement opened up opportunities for women it also *released men of some time honored values and traditions that should not have never gone out of the door. So the feminist movement both helped women and hurt them.*


 
I concur, the feminist movement may have eluded some Black women due to the void that was created by not addressing issues that specifically effect us, our lives and our overall existence.


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## Mis007 (Sep 17, 2011)

Interesting, well sex was very important within my own marriage, I had three beautiful babies.  But seriously no one really enters marriage just to have a sexual relationship.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Sep 17, 2011)

Guitarhero said:


> But that's just YOUR interpretation of what one is saying and I think I know why, you are so focused on its irrelevance to life according to how you  wish to live out your life.  For married's, sex is definitely a huge part of marriage because it's a very intimate form of communication.  It's not the only form but there is a divinely-placed space for it there.  There's nothing wrong with it.  Shrugs.



I think Nicola Kirwan summed it up best.  so I'm not basing it on how I want to live MY life. I'm basing it on the Word.  And I looking at what people are saying. Someone said they basically were frustrated enough to call up their neighbor and have him take are of business. That's really the point where sex is too much of the focus.   You are still placing waaaaayyyy too much emphasis on sex and refuse to acknowledge that the Word doesn't place the same emphasis.


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## Guitarhero (Sep 17, 2011)

nathansgirl1908 said:


> I think Nicola Kirwan summed it up best.  so I'm not basing it on how I want to live MY life. I'm basing it on the Word.  And* I looking at what people are saying. *Someone said they basically were frustrated enough to call up their neighbor and have him take are of business. That's really the point where sex is too much of the focus.   You are still placing waaaaayyyy too much emphasis on sex and refuse to acknowledge that the Word doesn't place the same emphasis.



That was someone else, not me. I don't know about the person who said they were willing to call the neighbor..that's not been my statement.  I am not placing too much emphasis on sex, it was part of the discussion.   I have never said that sex is the primary reason people wish to marry, I said it is part of the biological drive to wish to marry socially.  G-d didn't create man's soul devoid of the physical.  He knew how to place them together.  Sex is a delightful gift of the Creator to man and without it being pleasurable, people would not procreate as much as they do, thereby fulfilling the general world command to multiply.  You are reading way too much into people's responses...extremism.


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## Raspberry (Sep 19, 2011)

So in church yesterday one of the ministers talked about how he met his wife. He said he spoke his wife into existence when he was young and when he met her he knew she was the one. He said that he knew he wasn't meant to be single or celibate for life and that he needed to get married so he could have sex (he managed to emphasize this point quite a bit lol). He did throw in a line at the end about needing the right woman to fulfill his destiny (at which you could hear some audible female amens ) Of course I thought of this thread when he was talking 

I must say it's always interesting to me how Christian men speak of marriage and sex in much simpler terms than Christian women. To them the reasons for getting married are obvious... Sometimes I think Christian women talking each other to death without involving male input does more harm than good.

Also, even though the minister's statements were definitely male-oriented, his testimony didn't justify lust (at least to me), but rather bolstered my faith in God's goodness and power.


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Sep 19, 2011)

ITA....

Based on Genesis, God providing a 'help meet' for Adam so he won't be alone imo wasn't based on Adam's need for 'sexual fulfillment' but as the word says so that Adam would not be lonely... Adam was surrounded my animals and nature all day needed human company...




nicola.kirwan said:


> This may or may not coincide with what makeupgirl is saying, but it sparked some thoughts for me. Basically the point about Adam in the Garden kinda made it clear to me that Adam's sexual desire was not that which moved God's hand to create Eve. God had a purpose in mind for marriage, but sexual desire was not the impetus for its creation. Now, sex sealed the covenant and enabled Adam and Eve to become one and to produce offspring--so obviously sex is a central bond within marriage; but I think it is important to recognize the difference between something playing a central role in marriage, and seeking marriage in order to experience the pleasure of that thing.
> 
> Now, if God's purpose in ordaining marriage was not to fulfill some sexual desire of Adam's, perhaps before praying to the Lord for a spouse we ought to figure out and get on board with what His purpose actually is for marriage, for James says: "...you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures." There may be many pleasures to be had within marriage, but I do not believe that those pleasures ought to be what motivate us to seek it. As far as I understand it, choosing marriage is about choosing to step into God's chosen order, it is a choice to raise godly children as the Lord enables, it is a choice to live out the Lord's established system of authority--which for us women means being under authority, that of our husband, and to work within the Body of Christ. I believe we each have to discern how marriage fits into our _Kingdom_ service and only then approach the Lord about it in supplication.
> ----------------
> ...


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## Mis007 (Sep 21, 2011)

nicola.kirwan;14247641 
 
I honestly think that we are afraid to allow God to order our inordinate affections. As fallen humans said:
			
		

> we are so used to the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life ruling us that we can't really imagine how life would really be if those things weren't dominating our mind, will and emotions. [/B]To be able to simply enjoy a good thing without it driving us seems to be so difficult. And people who can honestly say, "If I have it, I'll enjoy it, but if I don't, I'm not moved," others often see as unfeeling or too ascetic.


 
Very true.


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## menina (Mar 10, 2012)

bumping so i can read later..


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## Kinkyhairlady (Oct 9, 2013)

Bumping this old thread for the newbies.I went back to read it and some great points were brought up.


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