# Called to Singleness



## aribell (Mar 3, 2010)

Does anyone here believe that God has called them to singleness?  How have you come to discern that?


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## SND411 (Mar 3, 2010)

I believe I have. 
I really would want to dedicate 110% of my life being an MD PhD traveling the world and doing what Christ has asked me to do. I would not want to do this while being a wife and mother. 

I also cant see myself as a wife and mother. Ever.


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## username12 (Mar 3, 2010)

Absolutely not, it doesn't make sense.

God create man and woman to join together as one.
He gave us the desire to unite as one (in psychology, all humans have the desire to be loved and accepted by others).
He created marriage.
He gave us sexual feelings, and told us not to fornicate.  What sense does that make to create sexual feelings but not marry?
God told us to be fruitful and multiply
How can God build His army if Christians aren't marrying and raising children with Christian standards?
Song of Songs is a book talking about love and attraction, if God didn't think it was important, then why is it in the Bible?

I don't think God calls anyone to singleness, it doesn't follow nature's plan or God's plan.


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## HeChangedMyName (Mar 3, 2010)

For the time being, I have.  He showed me that until I can love him properly and also receive his love properly that I can't love anyone else in a relationship or marriage.  I wasn't trying to hear that a first, but I know it's just a season and I'm willing to go through the process.  I feel like Esther,  I'm being prepared.


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## aribell (Mar 3, 2010)

S4LH said:


> Absolutely not, it doesn't make sense.
> 
> God create man and woman to join together as one.
> He gave us the desire to unite as one (in psychology, all humans have the desire to be loved and accepted by others).
> ...



Jesus said:  "Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. 12For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuch for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it."  --Matthew 19:11-12

A eunuch being, in so many words, a lifelong celibate person, Jesus acknowledges that some people will be such for various reasons.  Some people have physical defects which cause this, others are made such when older (castration was something practiced in biblical times), but some people will _choose_ to be eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom.

Paul also echoes this in I Corinthians by saying that it is better for a man if he not marry and that those who are married are distracted by their desire to please their spouses, whereas those who are single are free to focus on holiness.  While not everyone will be able to bear a life of singleness, some people can.


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## Raspberry (Mar 3, 2010)

I am not called to singleness but _sometimes_ I wish I was.  I can definitely see how husband and family concerns, or even desires for such take up a lot of space in your mind.  I really value those times in my life when I am completely content and free of earthly concerns before God.


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## username12 (Mar 3, 2010)

nicola.kirwan said:


> Jesus said: "Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. 12For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuch for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it." --Matthew 19:11-12
> 
> A eunuch being, in so many words, a lifelong celibate person, Jesus acknowledges that some people will be such for various reasons. Some people have physical defects which cause this, others are made such when older (castration was something practiced in biblical times), but some people will _choose_ to be eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom.
> 
> Paul also echoes this in I Corinthians by saying that it is better for a man if he not marry and that those who are married are distracted by their desire to please their spouses, whereas those who are single are free to focus on holiness. While not everyone will be able to bear a life of singleness, some people can.


 
In those instances, I totally agree with you.  I'm a strong advocate for periods of singleness for time to work on ourselves.  I don't believe some people are good for marriage because of their personalites, but that is social learning. I don't think anyone should just into marriage b/c of pressure.  People can choose to be single for life, and I totally respect that.  

However, we are sexual beings.  That's just how God created us.  Some can surpress those desires, but many can't.  I don't get how God can create us to be sexual beings, yet call some to be single, it contradicts itself.   I'm not really speaking on your thread, but pastors who tell women that they won't get married.


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## aribell (Mar 3, 2010)

I am at a place now where I cannot say that the Lord is calling me to a lifetime of singleness, but in reflecting more and more, I think that my own attitude is going to be one of _indefinite_ singleness.  If I happen to meet a man and it seems good and glorifying to God that we should marry, I will be open to that.  But otherwise, it is not something that I intend to intentionally seek any longer.  

That's not meant to be a prescription for how everyone is supposed to approach things.  It's just that in reflecting upon what has brought the best fruit in my life, it has unquestionably been when I have been solely focused on working for God's Kingdom without any concern whatsoever about dating or marriage.  I had the most spiritual peace and did the most productive work in the church when I thought very little about being a wife or finding a husband.  I regret lost time and energy that could have been used for something eternal.



S4LH said:


> In those instances, I totally agree with you.  I'm a strong advocate for periods of singleness for time to work on ourselves.  I don't believe some people are good for marriage because of their personalites, but that is social learning. I don't think anyone should just into marriage b/c of pressure.  People can choose to be single for life, and I totally respect that.
> 
> However, we are sexual beings.  That's just how God created us.  Some can surpress those desires, but many can't.  I don't get how God can create us to be sexual beings, yet call some to be single, it contradicts itself.  * I'm not really speaking on your thread, but pastors who tell women that they won't get married*.



I caught everything but the bolded...


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## loolalooh (Mar 3, 2010)

HeChangedMyName said:


> *For the time being, I have. He showed me that until I can love him properly and also receive his love properly that I can't love anyone else in a relationship or marriage. I wasn't trying to hear that a first, but I know it's just a season and I'm willing to go through the process. I feel like Esther, I'm being prepared.*



This is me to the tee.  There are moments when I'm still not trying to hear it, but He knows what's best and I must follow.  I know that it is eventually in my future that I marry, but not anytime soon.


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## Guitarhero (Mar 3, 2010)

how did this go double?


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## Guitarhero (Mar 3, 2010)

S4LH said:


> However, we are sexual beings.  That's just how God created us.  Some can surpress those desires, but many can't.  I don't get how God can create us to be sexual beings, yet call some to be single, it contradicts itself.   I'm not really speaking on your thread, but pastors who tell women that they won't get married.



For me, sex is only part of the desire to marry.  I want someone to love, cook and clean for.  I truly do.  I want to be in a family way and have big weekends with big family.  Communing with a man spiritually is number one on my list though.  Sex sure is the icing on that cake and babies are the cherry on top.  Thank goodness that most of us are not called to singlehood.  It's probably those of us who aren't who are most disturbed by those who know they are. Me included.  I feel you on this one.


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## Almaz (Mar 3, 2010)

Some people just need to stay single


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## LifeafterLHCF (Mar 3, 2010)

Almaz said:


> Some people just need to stay single




LOL yes some people shouldn't marry..its  bad for both parties..I think of myself and I cringe when men are even in my house so I don't know if that is a sign that I may never ever get a man in my life time..I use to think it was all about the look and that I needed to fit into that look but now I can see maybe to I'm too hard to marry even though I have dreams of little vanilla/chocolate swirl kids..


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## Bunny77 (Mar 3, 2010)

S4LH said:


> In those instances, I totally agree with you.  I'm a strong advocate for periods of singleness for time to work on ourselves.  I don't believe some people are good for marriage because of their personalites, but that is social learning. I don't think anyone should just into marriage b/c of pressure.  People can choose to be single for life, and I totally respect that.
> 
> However, we are sexual beings.  That's just how God created us.  Some can surpress those desires, but many can't.  I don't get how God can create us to be sexual beings, yet call some to be single, it contradicts itself.  * I'm not really speaking on your thread, but pastors who tell women that they won't get married.*



I'm totally with both of your posts (as you could probably guess), but I do think Nicola was speaking of a different type of situation than the bolded (as you also noted... I just wanted to address both instances that I see).

The people whom I believe are called to singleness -- whether forever or for a certain period of time -- usually embrace it wholeheartedly. They will also know without a doubt that they have been called to remain single. They find joy in whatever they're doing as singles. Now, might they have some sexual temptation and desires? I'm sure they do. I have no idea, for example, what Paul went through to fulfill his calling, but for him, the calling to do God's work took precedence over whatever sexual needs he might have had.

That being said, I think the number of people called to singleness is VERY small. Most of us are supposed to be married. I've never quite understood the "logic" behind the idea that because you are single now or struggling with your relationships, that means you are "called to singleness." Or the pastors that look at the BM shortage (which is debatable) and use to that tell BW that many of them won't get married and that they just might be called to singleness, so they better get used to it.

Um, no.


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## aribell (Mar 3, 2010)

CreoleNat said:


> For me, sex is only part of the desire to marry.  I want someone to love, cook and clean for.  I truly do.  I want to be in a family way and have big weekends with big family.  Communing with a man spiritually is number one on my list though.  Sex sure is the icing on that cake and babies are the cherry on top.  Thank goodness that most of us are not called to singlehood.  *It's probably those of us who aren't who are most disturbed by those who know they are.* Me included.  I feel you on this one.



See, that's so interesting to me with the bolded.  Singleness has always made sense to me.  I have never felt any deep need or profound desire to be in a relationship.  Or, as mentioned above, that desire when present was never a good or productive thing, more a sign of something being "off."  Sometimes it would be nice, and I do enjoy the company, but idk.  I remember taking my art teacher who was a nun seriously when she suggested that I consider that calling.  I still toss the idea around in my mind from time to time...



			
				Bunny77 said:
			
		

> The people whom I believe are called to singleness -- whether forever or for a certain period of time -- usually embrace it wholeheartedly. They will also know without a doubt that they have been called to remain single. They find joy in whatever they're doing as singles. *Now, might they have some sexual temptation and desires? I'm sure they do. I have no idea, for example, what Paul went through to fulfill his calling, but for him, the calling to do God's work took precedence over whatever sexual needs he might have had*.



I think the bolded is a good way of putting it.  Paul did say that it is better to marry than to burn, but I don't think that he as a single man was completely free of sexual desire and/or temptation.  But the purpose he felt in doing his particular work in the Body overcame that, as he said: "Do we have no right to take along a believing wife, as do also the other apostles, the brothers of the LOrd, and Cephas?  Or is it only Barnabas and I who have no right to refrain from working?...Nevertheless we have not used this right, but endure all things lest we hinder the gospel of Christ."


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## Love Always (Mar 3, 2010)

This phenomenon is beyond me and sadly enough you hear this in a lot of black churches...they especially say this to the women.  I believe that men aren't being told that they're called for singleness .



> That being said, I think the number of people called to singleness is VERY small. Most of us are supposed to be married. I've never quite understood the "logic" behind the idea that because you are single now or struggling with your relationships, that means you are "called to singleness." Or the pastors that look at the BM shortage (which is debatable) and use to that tell BW that many of them won't get married and that they just might be called to singleness, so they better get used to it.
> 
> Um, no.


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## aribell (Mar 3, 2010)

Nisha619 said:


> This phenomenon is beyond me and sadly enough you hear this in a lot of black churches...they especially say this to the women.  I believe that men aren't being told that they're called for singleness .



That just seems kind of cruel honestly...to recognize that women want to get married but not do anything to promote marriage.  Just an "oh well, you're probably going to be an old maid then."   

Kinda ot, but pastors telling women they just won't get married doesn't add up to me.  I know there's the whole numbers thing, but I would think that if they cared they would at least try.  Sometimes things like this can be a source of pride/superiority for some and that's why they don't reach out.  My mother has been single for years and attended a service at a church where her friends husband is the pastor.  She told me he actually said from the pulpit, "You single ladies, don't be jealous, don't be mad because you aren't married to good black men like us."    In that instance, the fact that there are single women who want men like them, or single women who want what married women have, makes a lot of people feel better about themselves.  They aren't going to reach out and help.


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## Raspberry (Mar 3, 2010)

nicola.kirwan said:


> That just seems kind of cruel honestly...to recognize that women want to get married but not do anything to promote marriage.  Just an "oh well, you're probably going to be an old maid then."
> 
> Kinda ot, but pastors telling women they just won't get married doesn't add up to me.  I know there's the whole numbers thing, but I would think that if they cared they would at least try.  Sometimes things like this can be a source of pride/superiority for some and that's why they don't reach out.  My mother has been single for years and attended a service at a church where her friends husband is the pastor.  She told me he actually said from the pulpit, *"You single ladies, don't be jealous, don't be mad because you aren't married to good black men like us."  *  In that instance, the fact that there are single women who want men like them, or single women who want what married women have, makes a lot of people feel better about themselves.  They aren't going to reach out and help.



Wow, that's awful..what's that about erplexed.  I agree that some people derive significance from the perceived scarcity and status of marriage partners.


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## HeChangedMyName (Mar 3, 2010)

I dedicate this song to all the single ladies. . .and the married ones too who need it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDawGvkhvD8


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## weaveologist (Mar 3, 2010)

This is very interesting. When writing my next book, I came across some ministry that also said that God calls some to singleness because it gives them the freedom to do God's work. I also found ministry that said if you're approach to being single is that a man will improve your life, God will not send you a mate.


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## Raspberry (Mar 3, 2010)

weaveologist said:


> This is very interesting. When writing my next book, I came across some ministry that also said that God calls some to singleness because it gives them the freedom to do God's work. I also found ministry that said* if you're approach to being single is that a man will improve your life, God will not send you a mate.*



How do they know? I don't like when people make absolute statements like this because it makes women feel like they need some perfect mindset to be worthy of a mate.  Why would I want to get married if I didn't think doing so would improve my life?

I strongly believe that timing is the most important factor for all of God's purposes for us.  He alone knows what readiness means for each of us.

I know plenty of Christian women who got married in their early 20s who dreamed of having a husband and kids and got what they wanted - there were no emotional or spiritual hoops to jump through.  The timing was right for them (in most cases).. we're all individuals and God has unique purposes/plans for each of our lives.


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## Bunny77 (Mar 3, 2010)

weaveologist said:


> This is very interesting. When writing my next book, I came across some ministry that also said that God calls some to singleness because it gives them the freedom to do God's work. *I also found ministry that said if you're approach to being single is that a man will improve your life, God will not send you a mate.*



I guess I would need to hear the context in which your last sentence was stated.

Obviously, one should not look to man to be your ultimate fulfillment, but why shouldn't one look for marriage to improve one's life? This is not to say that one's life is lacking if he or she is single, but I'm not marrying to make my life worse... being a wife and mother would be wonderful additions to my life and marriage IS a ministry.

I also don't really believe in the idea of God sending people mates either. God is not some kind of cupid who will drop a man/woman in your lap if you do/act like XYZ... I find it interesting that many Christians pick up what I consider to be very Hollywood-ish ideas about courting and marriage and promote these as Christian ministry. That bothers me.


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## HeChangedMyName (Mar 3, 2010)

God works in mysterious ways sometimes.  It's all there in his Word, but we don't all come to understanding about it at the same time.  I'm sure there are some married women who never thought they'd be married and there are probably some married women who really wish they were still single.  

God's Word says HE knows the plans he has for us,  plans to prosper and not harm us.  For some people, that prospering may include a mate, for some it may not.  But God knows.  If we truly set aside our predisposed ideas and listen to him, he will tell us what we all need to know. . .which is His plan.


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## Laela (Mar 3, 2010)

Hmmm...  Not everyone desires marriage and that's OK. Singleness is a "season" for some, a lifelong choice for others. It's like tithing - between a person and God. 

This book is really good and will shed some light on what "singleness" really is.

IMHO, married women don't need to knock the Single women who choose to stay single;  Single women don't need to knock the Married women who choose to marry; 

God will use His vessels in either situation for the good of the Kingdom. 

[ I have an extra copy of this book, to share with whomever would want it.]


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## Laela (Mar 3, 2010)

weaveologist said:


> I also found ministry that said if you're approach to being single is that a man will improve your life, God will not send you a mate.


 
I understand this to mean, seeking marriage for selfish reasons??


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## Raspberry (Mar 3, 2010)

Bunny77 said:


> I also don't really believe in the idea of God sending people mates either. God is not some kind of cupid who will drop a man/woman in your lap if you do/act like XYZ... I find it interesting that many Christians pick up what I consider to be very Hollywood-ish ideas about courting and marriage and promote these as Christian ministry. That bothers me.


This is an interesting area of belief and I wish we talked about it more, cause there's deep theological differences and views that are hinted at when we talk of God sending us a mate.

I do believe that relationships are primary vehicle of growth and blessing as Christians.  I also believe that God brings people into our lives at different times for particular purposes, especially in the context of the body.  We all have unique spiritual gifts meant to bless and encourage each other.  The bible has tons of examples of God working through particular relationships.  

It's not completely defined what someone means when they say they are "waiting on God."  For me personally that means releasing my anxieties to Him.  Doing what I know to do but having faith in God's promise to bless and multiply my efforts.  Having joy in the present time in all circumstances.  Basically never acting out of fear or anxiety but out of faith and love (anything that does not come from faith is sin).  The heart of our actions is what really matters so I believe if someone wants to pursue online dating and they are doing it out of peace (the Bible says let peace rule as an empire in our hearts), not anxiety or fear of loneliness, they can have faith that God will help them find the right path.  

I've had a check in my spirit and a loss of peace when pursuing certain actions when it comes to dating.  Everyone has different areas of weakness and insecurity that have to worked out, and a differernt path that God wants them on.  I can't tell everyone what they specifically need to do to go about getting married.  We all have to learn to walk according to the spirit and obey what God is saying to us personally IMO.


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## ToyToy (Mar 3, 2010)

nicola.kirwan said:


> That just seems kind of cruel honestly...to recognize that women want to get married but not do anything to promote marriage.  Just an "oh well, you're probably going to be an old maid then."
> 
> Kinda ot, but pastors telling women they just won't get married doesn't add up to me.  I know there's the whole numbers thing, but I would think that if they cared they would at least try.  Sometimes things like this can be a source of pride/superiority for some and that's why they don't reach out.  My mother has been single for years and attended a service at a church where her friends husband is the pastor.  She told me he actually said from the pulpit, *"You single ladies, don't be jealous, don't be mad because you aren't married to good black men like us."*   In that instance, the fact that there are single women who want men like them, or single women who want what married women have, makes a lot of people feel better about themselves.  They aren't going to reach out and help.



 That's awful!! I have never heard of pastors telling women that they aren't meant to be married. That is so awful. If you don't know the answer to someone's situation, don't say anything at all!

I believe that if you are called to singleness, you also would have had to have consecrated yourself from the start, meaning you have never had sex. The eunochs mentioned in the Bible are virgins, right?
I think I can safely say that the ratio of single non-virgin adults far (far, far) outweighs that of those are virgin adults. I believe that most of us are meant to be married (which is why God saw it fit to create a helper for Adam - Eve), but I do know that a very few selected people are meant to be consecrated unto God for their lifetime.


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## ToyToy (Mar 3, 2010)

weaveologist said:


> This is very interesting. When writing my next book, I came across some ministry that also said that God calls some to singleness because it gives them the freedom to do God's work. I also found ministry that said if you're approach to being single is that a man will improve your life, God will not send you a mate.



It's true that when you are single, you are (well you should be) less distracted by other things (marriage and all that comes with it) and you have the freedom to be more focused on the things of God (and other things) without needing the input of a spouse. But I also know a lot of married people (both male and female) who are highly active in the work of God, and it doesn't seem to get in the way of their marriage. There are limitations, though, especially when you start having kids. 

As to why someone is or is not single...everyone seems to have their own theory (most especially the "specialists"), but the truth is that only God knows why some people get married in their 20s, others don't find their partners until they are in their 30s, others in their 40s, and yet others in their 50s or beyond. It is important that we have our own intimate relationship with God, and find out the truth for ourselves, rather than listen to theories others try to push down our throats.


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## Bunny77 (Mar 3, 2010)

Raspberry said:


> This is an interesting area of belief and I wish we talked about it more, cause there's deep theological differences and views that are hinted at when we talk of God sending us a mate.
> 
> I do believe that relationships are primary vehicle of growth and blessing as Christians.  I also believe that God brings people into our lives at different times for particular purposes, especially in the context of the body.  We all have unique spiritual gifts meant to bless and encourage each other.  The bible has tons of examples of God working through particular relationships.
> 
> ...



This is awesome! And like you, I've tried to be more careful to discern what people mean when they say that they're "waiting on God" or that one should "be ready" for marriage and that might be why they're currently single (if they desire marriage, of course). It's not always a bad thing... but again, we do need to discuss this more to see where exactly people are coming from when they make these statements.

Your example of online dating was a great one. I know so many people who will not consider this because they believe that they are "not waiting on the Lord" if they pursue this option. Or I've seen people watch a YouTube sermon, hear a pastor, etc., speak against online dating, and then this person suddenly deletes her profile.

Now... if as you said, you did not have that sense of peace in your spirit when you pursued the online option, then I agree, you should not do it. But to look at it as an option not fit for a Christian woman only because someone else told you this? Or made it seem that you were questioning God and showing a lack of faith because you pursued that option? Not cool. 

I think God was telling me for years to "DO SOMETHING." When I felt anxiety and a lack of peace, it was because I listened to others who told me that I needed to "wait," or accept that I might not be "called to be married." THIS is my concern...and I think you put it very eloquently that we have to listen to what God is telling us personally about marriage and  singleness and then act accordingly.


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## Raspberry (Mar 3, 2010)

Bunny77 said:


> Your example of online dating was a great one. I know so many people who will not consider this because they believe that they are "not waiting on the Lord" if they pursue this option. *Or I've seen people watch a YouTube sermon, hear a pastor, etc., speak against online dating, and then this person suddenly deletes her profile.*
> 
> Now... if as you said, you did not have that sense of peace in your spirit when you pursued the online option, then I agree, you should not do it. *But to look at it as an option not fit for a Christian woman only because someone else told you this? *Or made it seem that you were questioning God and showing a lack of faith because you pursued that option? Not cool.
> 
> I think God was telling me for years to "DO SOMETHING." When I felt anxiety and a lack of peace, it was because I listened to others who told me that I needed to "wait," or accept that I might not be "called to be married." THIS is my concern...and I think you put it very eloquently that we have to listen to what God is telling us personally about marriage and  singleness and then act accordingly.



Yea, it's unfortunate that so many people rely on the conviction of others to base their decision making on.  I believe there has been a huge lack of good bible teaching in the church that causes women to fall into that trap.  You have, in many cases, well-meaning pastors and leaders who don't trust people to make proper decisions without laying down their own biases and interpretations as rules.  God did not intend to live only by what another person tells us.  Maybe they are scared people will date and marry all willy-nilly - but they're doing that anyways , may as well give people the tools to find the right path for themselves. The model of the church set forth in the new testament is one where people are ever growing in knowledge of the Word and in faith.  Paul says that we need to "reason together" and become certain of something "in our own minds."  Church leaders are supposed to help equip believers to walk according to the Spirit, not just create followers.

Some people are going to have strong biases against something like online dating, that's just natural.. my pastor says that if we don't agree with something he says to just sit on our mental shelves and search it out in the Word and pray it about it for ourselves. That's our responsibility as believers.


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## Renewed1 (Mar 3, 2010)

Great discussion ladies!

I strongly believe like most things in life; something on the inside, will make sense whether you should be single or not. I know I was meant to be married.


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## Je Ne Sais Quoi (Mar 3, 2010)

I must have been called to singleness and just haven't gotten the message yet.


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## sidney (Mar 3, 2010)

I agree with what most of the ladies have shared here.  As someone else mentioned, God does know the plans for each of us.  Did you catch that?  THERE IS A PLAN already written for each one of us.  It is already written.  These plans, he says, are meant to prosper for you.  So if you want the plan that will best prosper you, SEEK GOD and wait to hear from him.  Get in on the plan!  Do not make hasty decisions.  It's so much easier to choose to be single, because you feel you have control over your happiness.  But we should seek God about everything.  

Nicola, you have so much peace when you are focused on God and doing his will, because that is what you should be doing.  Single should not be this big obstacle before your mate shows up, and if it is for anyone here, you're not doing it right.  God wants us to seek him the way some of us are seeking your mates.  I'm not saying we should just 'sit and wait' because that's just not wise, but your heart, your energy, and emotions should be directed toward Christ and Him alone.  God will ADD your desires to you when you seek him first.  The adding is the easy part.  

 I am confident that anyone can go out there and get a man.  But there is much to be said about doing things in God's time and God's way. Sure, people are doing things their own way, beut when you submit your will to God, he will take you up on it!  By faith, trust that this process is for a reason.  If you truly feel that you are not called, than go with that.  But make sure it is because that is God's plan, and not your own.  Because God know's who you will be 30 years from now, and maybe that person will desire a mate and children.  Don't trust every decision you make in your youth.   HTH


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## Laela (Mar 3, 2010)

Bunny,

I'm glad you mentioned "Waiting on the Lord" like that. Waiting on the Lord doesn't mean that one has to sit still and do nothing, dry up and turn into an old maid, or even waste time. It simply means "to serve".. much like a waiter waits on you in a restaurant. They do what they're tasked to do and do it well (being a good steward), they get a reward for serving, i.e. tip, a hearty gesture of appreciation, etc. That's the best way I can explain it. It's what Matthew 6:33 is all about:

*But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.*

I really don't find anything wrong with an online Christian dating site... it's an act of faith to position oneself to look for a mate, in addition to serving God. But I do believe He can use that medium as well to position someone to meet that person. This is no different from what Naomi did with Ruth, just different times.

It's unfortunate there are ministries telling single women they don't have a chance of getting married, and those that look at statistics and male/female ratios etc. What's going on in the world has absolutely nothing to do with God's plans for His Children, because He is a God of promises who will always keep up his end of the Covenant.




Bunny77 said:


> This is awesome! And like you, I've tried to be more careful to discern what people mean when they say that they're "waiting on God" or that one should "be ready" for marriage and that might be why they're currently single (if they desire marriage, of course). It's not always a bad thing... but again, we do need to discuss this more to see where exactly people are coming from when they make these statements.
> 
> Your example of online dating was a great one. I know so many people who will not consider this because they believe that they are "*not waiting on the Lord" i*f they pursue this option. Or I've seen people watch a YouTube sermon, hear a pastor, etc., speak against online dating, and then this person suddenly deletes her profile.
> 
> ...


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## aribell (Mar 3, 2010)

sidney said:


> I agree with what most of the ladies have shared here.  As someone else mentioned, God does know the plans for each of us.  Did you catch that?  THERE IS A PLAN already written for each one of us.  It is already written.  These plans, he says, are meant to prosper for you.  So if you want the plan that will best prosper you, SEEK GOD and wait to hear from him.  Get in on the plan!  Do not make hasty decisions.  It's so much easier to choose to be single, because you feel you have control over your happiness.  But we should seek God about everything.
> 
> *Nicola, you have so much peace when you are focused on God and doing his will, because that is what you should be doing.  Single should not be this big obstacle before your mate shows up, and if it is for anyone here, you're not doing it right.  God wants us to seek him the way some of us are seeking your mates.  I'm not saying we should just 'sit and wait' because that's just not wise, but your heart, your energy, and emotions should be directed toward Christ and Him alone.  God will ADD your desires to you when you seek him first.  The adding is the easy part.  *
> 
> I am confident that anyone can go out there and get a man.  But there is much to be said about doing things in God's time and God's way. Sure, people are doing things their own way, beut when you submit your will to God, he will take you up on it!  By faith, trust that this process is for a reason.  If you truly feel that you are not called, than go with that.  But make sure it is because that is God's plan, and not your own.  Because God know's who you will be 30 years from now, and maybe that person will desire a mate and children.  Don't trust every decision you make in your youth.   HTH



Good points, and I agree.  I think that sometimes we want to know God's overarching plan when He doesn't give us an overarching plan, He gives us today.  Our job is to discern what we are to do _today_.  Some women lose peace regarding their singleness because they are worried that God's overarching plan will ultimately not include a spouse.  But the question should be, "Lord, what would you have me do today?"  For some women, and actually probably a lot, their task with respect to singleness is going to be to take intentional steps forward in pursuit of marriage--be it through online dating, asking to be set up, continually praying for a husband, mingling more, etc.  If women believe that it's more "spiritual" to do nothing in pursuit of marriage, then they are not going to be doing what they should be to catch their marriage train and are getting discouraged by others on the way.

So, I think that while everyone should be focusing on the Lord, that won't mean that no one should be intentional or purposeful about seeking a mate.  And that seems to be the complaint--that the "gift of singleness" has been so overplayed that people whom God has called to pursue marriage are waiting for their spouse to fall from the sky and calling their period of waiting "the gift of singleness."  

As I understand it, being called to singleness is not about being content in the Lord, but rather _purposely_ not pursuing marriage (in thought, prayer, or action) _specifically_ for the sake of Kingdom work.  I remember doing online dating for a minute, and it wasn't a bad experience at all, but there was a consistent feeling of it just not being the right thing for me to do and yes, a lack of peace.  Other dating experiences were similar.  Again, I think that God's call is always for the present and that no one can say but Him what tomorrow will be or what He will say tomorrow.  I could be giving a marriage testimony in six months.   But I do think it is important to be able to recognize when the Lord is bringing you into a different season, when He might be calling you to do something different.


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## Guitarhero (Mar 4, 2010)

Bunny77 said:


> Obviously, one should not look to man to be your ultimate fulfillment, but why shouldn't one look for marriage to improve one's life?
> .




Yes!  My most recent girl chat about this was to never marry down, only marry upwards. He's got to have it better than yourself.  I believe that.  Marriage should be about partnership and it can be.  But a  man has to be about giving something to create something better.  He won't be a savior, but he sure can be a chivalrous knight.


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## discobiscuits (Mar 4, 2010)

no. i don't believe anyone is called to singleness especially in light of the scriptures thrown up in this forum all the time about it not being good for man (humans male or female) to be alone. not even the apostle paul was called to be single, he chose it.


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## Rapunzel* (Mar 4, 2010)

Laela said:


> Bunny,
> 
> *I'm glad you mentioned "Waiting on the Lord" like that. Waiting on the Lord doesn't mean that one has to sit still and do nothing, dry up and turn into an old maid, or even waste time. It simply means "to serve".. much like a waiter waits on you in a restaurant. They do what they're tasked to do and do it well (being a good steward), they get a reward for serving, i.e. tip, a hearty gesture of appreciation, etc. That's the best way I can explain it. It's what Matthew 6:33 is all about:
> *
> ...



also many women stop waiting on God, and start waiting for God, as if they were waiting for a bus. people start to get impatient and start demanding things. If one isnt content with being single, they wont be content while married.... 


the bible says he who findeth a wife, finds a good thing. Once you come to christ you are a good thing, you can be a single parent, virgin or a non virgin your still a good thing.


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## PinkPebbles (Mar 4, 2010)

sidney said:


> I agree with what most of the ladies have shared here. As someone else mentioned, God does know the plans for each of us. Did you catch that? THERE IS A PLAN already written for each one of us. It is already written. These plans, he says, are meant to prosper for you. So if you want the plan that will best prosper you, SEEK GOD and wait to hear from him. Get in on the plan! Do not make hasty decisions. It's so much easier to choose to be single, because you feel you have control over your happiness. But we should seek God about everything.
> 
> Nicola, you have so much peace when you are focused on God and doing his will, because that is what you should be doing. Single should not be this big obstacle before your mate shows up, and if it is for anyone here, you're not doing it right. God wants us to seek him the way some of us are seeking your mates. I'm not saying we should just 'sit and wait' because that's just not wise, but your heart, your energy, and emotions should be directed toward Christ and Him alone. God will ADD your desires to you when you seek him first. The adding is the easy part.
> 
> *I am confident that anyone can go out there and get a man. But there is much to be said about doing things in God's time and God's way. Sure, people are doing things their own way, beut when you submit your will to God, he will take you up on it!* By faith, trust that this process is for a reason. If you truly feel that you are not called, than go with that. But make sure it is because that is God's plan, and not your own. Because God know's who you will be 30 years from now, and maybe that person will desire a mate and children. Don't trust every decision you make in your youth. HTH


 
Sidney- thank you for saying this in the bolded!

Yes, anyone can go out there and get a man, but as Christian women we shouldn't just want any man. That's why I believe that we should pray that our husbands are 'saved', have godly character traits, and that the Lord will order our steps. As well as position us to be found by the man that is most suitable for God's purpose and plan for our lives.

In God's perfect timing it will happen. I personally know people who have prayed, believed and now are happily married.   And yes, they gave God all the credit!

Because I want Christ to be the head in my marriage then it's imperative that I consult with the Lord...As the word clearly states - Ask and you will receive.

As always, thanks for sharing!


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## weaveologist (Mar 4, 2010)

Raspberry said:


> How do they know? I don't like when people make absolute statements like this because it makes women feel like they need some perfect mindset to be worthy of a mate. Why would I want to get married if I didn't think doing so would improve my life?
> 
> I strongly believe that timing is the most important factor for all of God's purposes for us. He alone knows what readiness means for each of us.
> 
> I know plenty of Christian women who got married in their early 20s who dreamed of having a husband and kids and got what they wanted - there were no emotional or spiritual hoops to jump through. The timing was right for them (in most cases).. we're all individuals and God has unique purposes/plans for each of our lives.


 
He wasn't just talking to WOMEN. He was talking to BOTH SEXES. He referened a particular person in the bible who lived his entire life without a mate. I have to find the ministry. But the sum of it was if you approach marriage and a mate as if your life is empty without it, then God will not send you a mate. Which is something I understood because for YEARS my focus was "I want to get married". Just recently I changed my focus to "I want to become the woman that God wants me to be, so that when/if my mate comes, I AM READY. I want to be happy and feel loved, with OR without a mate; whatever God has in store for my life". Totally different approach and my emotional life is so much better because of it. 



Bunny77 said:


> I guess I would need to hear the context in which your last sentence was stated.
> 
> *Obviously, one should not look to man to be your ultimate fulfillment*, but why shouldn't one look for marriage to improve one's life? This is not to say that one's life is lacking if he or she is single, but I'm not marrying to make my life worse... being a wife and mother would be wonderful additions to my life and marriage IS a ministry.
> 
> I also don't really believe in the idea of God sending people mates either. God is not some kind of cupid who will drop a man/woman in your lap if you do/act like XYZ... I find it interesting that many Christians pick up what I consider to be very Hollywood-ish ideas about courting and marriage and promote these as Christian ministry. That bothers me.


 
This pastor was referencing people who though a mate would be ULTIMATE fulfillment.


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## makeupgirl (Mar 4, 2010)

I can honestly say that I'm not called to singleness for a lifetime but maybe for a season.  I am from my point of view ready to settle down but my views is not God's views.  It's just not my time right now and I respect that because I want what God has for me and I want a long lasting marriage.  I said when I was little, I want to be married one time and it will be forever.  I didn't know that it was biblically correct to think this way.  I didn't know that this was apart of God's plan when I was little.  I think that where most people get in trouble is not going to the Lord and expressing how they feel or letting him lead the way.  I've seen so many people in my life marry someone only to see them get hurt or they just unequally yoked.  They follow their heart, their intuition instead the word of God.  He said, do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers and he's right, why would you want to be?  I have loved one man in my lifetime but we were unequally yoked.  So if I have to be single for a while in order to meet the right one that was ordained before the foundations of this world then so be it.  Preparation is always in effect even after the marriage has been made.  We are vessals for God, his people, his children so we are always being prepared and season for his purpose and plans for our lives and that includes marriage, which is the representation of Christ and his bride.


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## Bunny77 (Mar 4, 2010)

weaveologist said:


> He wasn't just talking to WOMEN. He was talking to BOTH SEXES.



Well see, when you said this in your original post....

*I also found ministry that said if you're approach to being single is that a man will improve your life, God will not send you a mate.*

...one would assume that the ministry was addressed only to women because the reference was to a MAN improving your life... and I don't think the pastor is promoting homosexual relationships!  

Other than that, I agree with the belief that one should not feel that his or her life is worthless without a mate...  but I don't believe in the idea of God sending people a mate either. 

I believe that potential mates are all around us... we choose one. We need to be walking in God's will and use discernment to select the RIGHT mate (which is where many of us go wrong), but otherwise, I don't believe that a mate is going to be "sent" by God if one follows some particular process. 

However, God can open our eyes to the right man/woman who could have been in front of us the whole time, but we weren't mentally or emotionally ready to receive him or her at a certain time.


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## sidney (Mar 4, 2010)

PinkPebbles said:


> Sidney- thank you for saying this in the bolded!
> 
> *Yes, anyone can go out there and get a man, but as Christian women we shouldn't just want any man. That's why I believe that we should pray that our husbands are 'saved', have godly character traits, and that the Lord will order our steps. As well as position us to be found by the man that is most suitable for God's purpose and plan for our lives.*
> 
> ...


 
Yes, it's so important to be led by God in everything, including marriage.  And do what he tells you to do, because everyone's journey will be different.  Like Bunny said, God told her to 'do something.'  The bible says in 1 Corinthians 7:39, that single women can marry anyone, "only in the Lord."  So as you said, make sure he has Godly character and is truly in the Lord.


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## HeChangedMyName (Mar 4, 2010)

loolalooh said:


> This is me to the tee. There are moments when I'm still not trying to hear it, but He knows what's best and I must follow. I know that it is eventually in my future that I marry, but not anytime soon.


 

Yes.  I am excited about the future, but not pressed about it like i use to be when i was trying to do it without God's help.


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## Bunny77 (Mar 4, 2010)

sidney said:


> Yes, it's so important to be led by God in everything, including marriage.  And do what he tells you to do, because everyone's journey will be different.  Like Bunny said, God told her to 'do something.'  The bible says in 1 Corinthians 7:39, that single women can marry anyone, "only in the Lord."  So as you said, make sure he has Godly character and is truly in the Lord.



I wanted to elaborate more on the "do something" thing in my case as well.

I was of the mindset beforehand that by just going about my business and "waiting," I would meet the one. The problem was, when I would meet someone -- even though I would pray on it and all -- I just automatically thought that he was "the one," and the answer to my prayers.

Every time, he was so far from the proper mate, it was ridiculous!

What I realized though was that I was operating under a "well, let's just see what happens," mindset instead of one where I was truly vetting the man to discern his character. Maybe because I didn't have many (well, very few actually) relationships in my life, I figured that if I was interested enough in someone to want to be with him, then it had to be a good match.

So in my case, "doing something," meant that I needed to take more control of the process with God's guidance by not letting myself just fall into relationships, but by meeting more men and taking more of an active role in the beginning trying to discern their character. 

I felt I was working WITH God by doing something, while before, I was on an island... I thought I was "waiting on God," but I was really a ship without a captain, just drifting along. I just don't want women to be that unguided ship thinking that they are doing what God wants.


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## aribell (Mar 4, 2010)

1star said:


> no. i don't believe anyone is called to singleness especially in light of the scriptures thrown up in this forum all the time about it not being good for man (humans male or female) to be alone. not even the apostle paul was called to be single, he chose it.



I'm glad that you mentioned choosing because I think that regardless of the language we are using, we are all choosing the particular way in which we are going to live our our lives before God.  Sometimes people get explicit directives from God regarding what they ought to do, but more often than not discerning God's will is about discerning how best we can glorify Him with our lives.  And what we end up discerning as God's will should be a reflection of His commandments, the particular gifts that He has placed in us, our personalities, and the particular situation we find ourselves in life.  

Paul decided that he could be a better servant if he were without a wife.  I don't think that such a choice is not God's call because it was a choice on Paul's part.  It seems that the Lord is always calling us to be the best that we can before Him and to discern how best we can love Him with all our heart, mind, soul, strength.  If it was actually true for Paul that his life in Christ was richer and more fruitful by remaining single, then I think that it is fair to label that as God's calling.


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## SND411 (Mar 5, 2010)

I'm going to be honest:

 I think we spend WAY TOO MUCH time discussing relationships/marriage. Sometimes this can distract us from doing good works in the name of God. Being a Christian woman is not ALL about getting married and having children. There's other work to be done, but I feel like some Christian women (and men) become TOO preoccupied in "finding a spouse" when they could be trying to spread the Gospel in a hostile world.


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## SND411 (Mar 5, 2010)

S4LH said:


> In those instances, I totally agree with you.  I'm a strong advocate for periods of singleness for time to work on ourselves.  I don't believe some people are good for marriage because of their personalites, but that is social learning. I don't think anyone should just into marriage b/c of pressure.  People can choose to be single for life, and I totally respect that.
> 
> *However, we are sexual beings.  That's just how God created us.  Some can surpress those desires, but many can't.  I don't get how God can create us to be sexual beings, yet call some to be single, it contradicts itself.   I'm not really speaking on your thread, but pastors who tell women that they won't get married.*



With God, anything is possible.


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## weaveologist (Mar 5, 2010)

This is some ministry that I found but is not the original ministry that I was speaking of:



> Called to Singlenessby J. BudziszewskiDear Professor Theophilus:
> 
> What does it mean to be "called to singleness" for your life? How do you know if you're called to it?
> 
> ...


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## Prudent1 (Mar 5, 2010)

Bunny77 said:


> However, God can open our eyes to the right man/woman who could have been in front of us the whole time, but we weren't mentally or emotionally ready to receive him or her at a certain time.


  Just wanted to touch on what Bunny77 said here, this is so true. I think a lot of times ppl are not ready for spouses (in this case) or jobs, income levels, children, etc and God being the loving Father he is will not allow us to have those things so we can make a mess out of ourselves or others as the case may be. A 3 year old may be convinced they can drive a car and ask you for the keys. You as the adult can list a lot of reassons why they can not drive _at this time_. What type of adult would go ahead and let them try it out? Many fail to see this same thing taking place in their own lives in regards to the way God parents us. I'm really enjoying this thread ladies. There has been so much great advice and excellent points shared by all. That's the way it should be regardless to age or other factors- Christian women sharing and helping one another to grow and achieve their God given desires no matter what they are.

Oh BTW, I have only known one person who said God called them to singleness and they accepted that calling. One of my Aunts. She has been on fire for God for the past 25 or so years. Sure there have been challenges of the flesh but if God calls you to something he equips you to be successful. I don't believe that this is my calling and I do believe it to be a rare calling but I do think this calling exists and I can understand those who choose or accept it.


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## sidney (Mar 5, 2010)

AfriPrincess411 said:


> I'm going to be honest:
> 
> I think we spend WAY TOO MUCH time discussing relationships/marriage. Sometimes this can distract us from doing good works in the name of God. Being a Christian woman is not ALL about getting married and having children. There's other work to be done, but I feel like some Christian women (and men) become TOO preoccupied in "finding a spouse" when they could be trying to spread the Gospel in a hostile world.


 
This has been on my heart lately.  Focus on God! Everything else will be "added."  If God has told you to pray, then pray.  if he said plant, then plant.  If he said be proactive, then do it.  Just be obedient and proactive as you can be and let God do the rest!  No one should be worried, relax, your father has this under control.  He will not allow you to miss out on the plans he has for you if you are doing what he asks.


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## Maracujá (Jul 26, 2013)

Laela: I can't see the pic of the book you're talking about, could you please repost it?


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## LVLY210 (Jul 26, 2013)

I ended a long term relationship a while back and have started dating. One thing I have realized while trying to develop a closer relationship to God is that He is showing me exactly what I do and don't like in a man. He's developing my sense of discernment and also teaching me to trust Him in all things especially the fact that He knows who will be right for me. I can definitely say that I've been called to be single in this season in my life and I really appreciate it.


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## Laela (Jul 26, 2013)

Hi Maracujá, 

It's a book by Myles Munroe on what it really means to be "Single" no matter your relationship status:







Maracujá said:


> Laela: I can't see the pic of the book you're talking about, could you please repost it?


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## Maracujá (Jul 27, 2013)

Laela: Thank you so much! It was already on my wish list on Amazon.com, time to order it!


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