# DH wants me to relax because the natural look looks unpolished...



## dlove (Aug 23, 2009)

Hair type:  4a/b thick.  Shrinks into a 2 inch fro.

DH told me that the natural look on me has to go.  I just two strand twisted my hair and made an updo in the back and sides with it.  He told me that I looked better with straight hair and none, NONE of the natural styles I do or pay someone to do looks good on me.  I have worn wng puffs, loose two strand twists, two strand twists with flat twists in the front and an afro.  

I know its not about him, its about me and what I like, though  feel  so discouraged because of the responses and treatment I get on the job, society and now at home.   Natural hair where I live is a minority.  People look at my 3c hair in my nape and say, "oh, you have "good" hair BACK THERE".  The mentality here is that if you have 4a/b hair  you look upkept, unprofessional and obviously dont have job.  

Right now my hair is past should length in the nape to area, 4 inches in the crown, 5 inches on the sides and I have about a 3.5  inch bang area.  I want to grow my  hair out so it looks like Te'yah Crystal Ke'mayh (sp?).  What is her hair type anyway?

 I've been natural for 2 years and 3 months.  Though I like being natural, the styles seem to be suited to the younger generation.  You mostly see schooled aged young children , teenagers and 20 something with twists,braids and plaits-not 40 y.o. women.  I thought the "updo" kept it polished looking.

DH told me to make an appointment on Friday to get a relaxer and cut into a "style".    I wish I could have youtubed that conversation.  

Been in my shoes?


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## FluffyRed (Aug 23, 2009)

I think he's being rude, inconsiderate and unsupportive, which is a big issue, regardless what he thinks of natural hair.  And since when is a man that interested in a woman's hairstyles?

Sometimes a person's perception of what looks "good" reflect a colonized mindset.  Does he have that internalized racism mentality - only likes "good" hair, etc.  That can be affected with the passage of time (are you a new natural and he just needs time to adjust) or with the broadening of his mind.  Maybe ne needs to read some Carter G. Woodson or Marcus Garvey.  He may have some kinks in his brain that  need to be attacked before you even *think* about touching the kinks on your scalp.


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## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

I don't have a husband so I really can't speak on that. I'm sorry you're going through that, especially since he's the one person who should support you in ALL that you do. I think it's important that you stay natural, if that's what you want. 

Krystal is one of my hair idols and a lot of her styles are braids on her own hair and braidouts. You should buy her book. Have you tried a braid, twist, or bantu knot out before? Also, do you think it's the styles or your length that is the main issue with your DH? I know a lot of people in my life don't like my hair when it's shrunken up but they like it best when it's stretched to show some length.

To be honest, I'm completely against relaxing, especially if it's to please someone else (family or society in general). Can you and DH come to a compromise? If you aren't against straight hair, why not a get a straight wig and rock that sometimes? That way he can see you with straight hair and you can also protect your hair at the same time.


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## LushLox (Aug 23, 2009)

Don't be pressured into doing something that you don't want to do.  You'll end up resenting him for it.


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## SelahOco (Aug 23, 2009)

It might take time for him to come around.  If he's a man surrounded by relaxed hair, that's helped him define his idea of beauty.

It sounds like he - and other outside influences - are causing you to lose your hair swagger.  I suspect that you'll like your natural hair once it's longer.  Would you consider hiding your hair under pretty braids or a sew in.  It will buy you some time and allow you to collect your thoughts around your decision to go natural.

It will also give you some time to grow your hair and experiment with longer styles, that might make you feel more polished.  In time, DH will learn to see the beauty in your hair.  But YOUR swagger is a key ingredient in turning his mind around.

Don't rush into a relaxer.  Find a compromise that works for you both.  JMHO.


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## adf23 (Aug 23, 2009)

What if you flat iron your hair like once or twice a month, so you have straight hair  a few weeks out of the month?  There has to be a happy medium.

I am natural, and fortunately DH loves my hair so I don't have this issue. Regardless, please don't relax JUST for DH if you love your hair, when there are so many other options now a days (flat ironing- yeah you risk heat stretched hair, but IMO still better than getting a relaxer, BKT, etc)


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## FemmeCreole (Aug 23, 2009)

dlove said:


> Hair type: 4a/b thick. Shrinks into a 2 inch fro.
> 
> 
> 
> Been in my shoes?


yes I have....kinda....... my SO complained about the length of time it took to do my hair and when done it still looked "a mess". Then he would talk about how corporate America views black women's hair......Eventually I got tired of it and I got tired of taking 5 hours to get my hair done so I caved in and relaxed. Can't say I regretted it because I enjoy my hair as it is now, but I sometimes wonder what it wouldlook like if I have kept it natural.


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## FemmeCreole (Aug 23, 2009)

S/O liked when I wore the kinky twists..... maybe you can try that


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## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

This might be opposing to what everyone else will probably say, but if your dh feels that strongly about it - I think you have an obligation to satisfy him. Wifely duties come before personal wants. Forget about what society says, what anyone says. DH's opinion matters! 

If it's been this long, it isn't going to grow on him. He doesn't like it and will probably never like it.  I could see if you just started the transition, but you've been natural for quite some time now. 

I was going to elaborate further , but the bottom line is- this issue needs to be dealt with between you & your dh.The only opinions that matter here are yours and your husbands and you have to reach some common ground as it could possibly result in strife & confusion in your marriage. You really have to talk to him about it in detail and make the choice that's best for your marriage.


eta: i've not been in your shoes on this particular issue - but I have on other issues and ultimately I made the choice to do what was best for the marriage and I am glad I did.


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## 2inspireU (Aug 23, 2009)

dlove said:


> Hair type:  4a/b thick.  Shrinks into a 2 inch fro.
> 
> DH told me that the natural look on me has to go.  I just two strand twisted my hair and made an updo in the back and sides with it.  He told me that I looked better with straight hair and none, NONE of the natural styles I do or pay someone to do looks good on me.  I have worn wng puffs, loose two strand twists, two strand twists with flat twists in the front and an afro.
> 
> ...



If you want to be natural, stay natural. I experienced the same thing from my family. They said I was ugly and looked unkempt with my natural hair, and wouldn't be able to find a job with it. I cracked and relaxed after the Keratase Salon fiasco. I regret it because of all the progress I lost with my natural hair ( I was going on 4 years natural), but I don't regret that now I truly know natural hair is for me. I now have an *** anyone and everyone who doesn't like my natural hair or feels uncomfortable with my natural hair because it is here to stay. I'm transitioning now by the way.


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## FemmeCreole (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> This might be opposing to what everyone else will probably say, but if your dh feels that strongly about it - I think you have an obligation to satisfy him. Wifely duties come before personal wants. Forget about what society says, what anyone says. DH's opinion matters!
> 
> If it's been this long, it isn't going to grow on him. He doesn't like it and will probably never like it. I could see if you just started the transition, but you've been natural for quite some time now.
> 
> ...


 
I tend to agree with this because you may get advice on the boards on what to do, but ultimately this is a matter between you and your husband. Listening to things from outside parties can cause you to place tension in your marriage. Do what you feel is right for you and your husband.


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## BillsBackerz67 (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> This might be opposing to what everyone else will probably say, but if your dh feels that strongly about it - I think you have an obligation to satisfy him. _Wifely duties come before personal wants. Forget about what society says, what anyone says. DH's opinion matters!_
> 
> If it's been this long, it isn't going to grow on him. He doesn't like it and will probably never like it. I could see if you just started the transition, but you've been natural for quite some time now.
> 
> ...


 
As does hers. They need to come to come to happy medium I dont think she should completely do want he wants her to do to make him happy and then shes left with nothing for herself. What's next him saying he wants her to dye her hair? change her style of clothing?


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## music-bnatural-smile (Aug 23, 2009)

it sounds like you feel pressured by everyone around you...
i think that you should give it some long hard thought...
while it seems rude to some people, i think it is good that he's being honest with you about his feelings rather than talking to other ppl about it...
if you want to wear more streamlined styles, you can work on your pressing techniques and still retain growth... I think this might be your sentiment too since you were saying that you think natural styles are for younger ppl...
have you tried straight styles? I was mbl easily when i pressed once a month and wrapped it every night... i would press once, wear it straight for 1 week and then do braid outs, twist outs, rollers, and other looser styles for that month... it was good for my cuz my hair does fine without being washed for awhile...

btw, i bet you look fabulous right now... you have options, so just take a thinky before you relax.


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## FluffyRed (Aug 23, 2009)

BillsBackerz67 said:


> As does hers. They need to come to come to happy medium I dont think she should completely do want he wants her to do to make him happy and then shes left with nothing for herself. What's next him saying he wants her to dye her hair? change her style of clothing?


 
When I did the big chop in 2005, my mother and sister both were ragging on me about how nappy it was and fast forward 18 months, they were both naptural - and still are.  Tastes evolve.  

And some people feel relaxers are extremely unhealthy for the scalp and hair.  He's wrong to be making demands like that on you.  He has the right to tell you his opinion (when asked) but it stops there.  It's your body.


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## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> This might be opposing to what everyone else will probably say, but if your dh feels that strongly about it - I think you have an obligation to satisfy him. Wifely duties come before personal wants. Forget about what society says, what anyone says. DH's opinion matters!
> 
> If it's been this long, it isn't going to grow on him. He doesn't like it and will probably never like it.  I could see if you just started the transition, but you've been natural for quite some time now.
> 
> I was going to elaborate further , but the bottom line is- this issue needs to be dealt with between you & your dh.The only opinions that matter here are yours and your husbands and you have to reach some common ground as it could possibly result in strife & confusion in your marriage. You really have to talk to him about it in detail and make the choice that's best for your marriage.




I agree and disagree. I do believe that what your DH feels and wants does matter. But, if staying natural is very important to you then I think a compromise that doesn't involve relaxing is a better option. There are so many other things you can do including weaving, wigging, and braiding that don't involve permanently changing your hair. 

Also, I do think a lot of the issues people have with natural hair is the length. Your hair is still pretty short (and short doesn't look good on everyone nor is it appealing to everyone). While it's possible he may never like it, he hasn't seen long natural hair on you so you can't say for sure. 

Where's Southernbella when you need her? She's dealt with, and is still dealing with this issue. You may want to pm her.


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## LushLox (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> This might be opposing to what everyone else will probably say, *but if your dh feels that strongly about it - I think you have an obligation to satisfy him. Wifely duties come before personal wants. Forget about what society says, what anyone says. DH's opinion matters! *
> 
> If it's been this long, it isn't going to grow on him. He doesn't like it and will probably never like it.  I could see if you just started the transition, but you've been natural for quite some time now.
> 
> ...




Are you serious?  This is the 21st century!! 

No one would argue that the DH's opinion doesn't matter but at the end of the day it's not the husband that has to deal with the hair day in day out.


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## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 23, 2009)

First thing I think it is, is very, very selfish. Even though you're his wife, he should not be pressuring you into changing yourself just because HE doesn't like it. He's not thinking about your happiness. I think you should keep your hair natural and when YOU FEEL LIKE IT, let it be a TREAT for him to see your hair straight whether its a dominican blow out, or BKT, or flat iron-- do it just for something different. Don't relax your hair and then you'll be thinking [email protected]#@$#[email protected]%%$$^#$ everytime you see your hair and look at him with disgust because he couldn't let you be yourself. I understand that he isn't just a bf, but your vows said to death do us part, maybe in this case, she should love and accept you through relaxed AND natural.

BTW, all that corporate crap-- whatever. No matter if you relax or not, there's always gonna be some type of racism. Trust me I know.


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## MummysGirl (Aug 23, 2009)

Wow... this is a tough one. I honestly can't say I have any advice because I am not married. 

Good luck (and hugs!).


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## Saida (Aug 23, 2009)

Do you want to relax?? I think you want to feel like your husband loves your hair and thinks its pretty.. if that's a good enough reason to relax, then I'm sure you can find great advice from people on the board with healthy relaxed hair.

If you really dont want to relax and you wouldnt even considere it, then you need to have a serious talk with DH, I think he could have came off kind of rude, but I wasnt there and there are always two sides to the story, so I wont judge him for that.

Do what is best for you and your marriage!


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## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

Cream Tee said:


> Are you serious? This is the 21st century!!
> 
> No one would argue that the DH's opinion doesn't matter but at the end of the day it's not the husband that has to deal with the hair day in day out.


 

Yeah, this is the 21st century, which is why i said my opinion would be contrary to some on this board. Which is why I further elaborated that OP should work this out between her and DH.  My opinion really doesn't matter when it comes to HER marriage.   I hope there is a happy medium. 

But, if it were *me  *and I had to choose between being natural and making my husband  happy - DH wins every time.  I'd rather be relaxed and happily married than natural and unhappily married. That's just me though- to each his own.


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## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

BillsBackerz67 said:


> As does hers. They need to come to come to happy medium I dont think she should completely do want he wants her to do to make him happy and then shes left with nothing for herself. What's next him saying he wants her to dye her hair? change her style of clothing?


 

ITA.  What's the happy medium?  They can work together to find one.


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## LushLox (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> Yeah, this is the 21st century, which is why i said my opinion would be contrary to some on this board. Which is why I further elaborated that OP should work this out between her and DH.  My opinion really doesn't matter when it comes to HER marriage.   I hope there is a happy medium.
> 
> But, if it were *me  *and I had to choose between being natural and making my husband  happy - DH wins every time.  I'd rather be relaxed and happily married than natural and unhappily married. That's just me though- to each his own.




Even if you really hated the thought of being relaxed?  

Gee - whatever happened to compromise...


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## Charz (Aug 23, 2009)

But how about if being relaxed makes you unhappy?



asuperwoman said:


> I'd rather be relaxed and happily married than natural and unhappily married. That's just me though- to each his own.


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## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

Val said:


> I tend to agree with this because you may get advice on the boards on what to do, but ultimately this is a matter between you and your husband. Listening to things from outside parties can cause you to place tension in your marriage. Do what you feel is right for you and your husband.


 

That's exactly what I'm trying to say. I should have left my opinion out of it and just said this very thing.


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## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

Charzboss said:


> But how about if being relaxed makes you unhappy?


 
I'm not one to take my hair that seriously. I'm serious about it (hence the membership here) , but I wouldn't allow the state of my hair to define my happiness.


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## LushLox (Aug 23, 2009)

Charzboss said:


> But how about if being relaxed makes you unhappy?




What does it matter - as long as hubby is happy right! erplexed


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## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

Cream Tee said:


> Even if you really hated the thought of being relaxed?
> 
> Gee - whatever happened to compromise...


 

Compromise has it's place, but then there are some issues where one party has to be willing to concede for the other. I don't know if this is one of those issues for OP or not. Only she and her DH know that.


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## FluffyRed (Aug 23, 2009)

Does wifey get to tell hubby _exactly _how he should maintain his appearance as well?

Or is this a one way street?


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## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

dlove said:


> *He told me that I looked better with straight hair *and none, NONE of the natural styles I do or pay someone to do looks good on me.
> 
> DH told me to make an appointment on Friday *to get a relaxer and cut into a "style"*.    I wish I could have youtubed that conversation.
> 
> Been in my shoes?




You know, it seems like he thinks a relaxer is the only way to have straight hair and a "stylish" do. If you're open to it, you could use heat to straighten. 

It's obvious you guys have different ideas of what a "style" is, but there should be some way to compromise. I don't think a relaxer is the answer.


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## OhmyKimB (Aug 23, 2009)

Can't speak on the husband part, just the "since when does a man even care"

Every male I know cares, even when your not their gf. At school half my male friends were pissed off I was going to cut my hair since I was going to be natural. And I cut from APL to ear length. I got a lot of head shakes. The current now was annoyed when I went all the way to shoulder length. But he actually hates that I relax...maybe that's the difference anyway the point was most males I know care about how your hair looks. Color, style, length and all.


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## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

FluffyRed said:


> Does wifey get to tell hubby _exactly _how he should maintain his appearance as well?
> 
> Or is this a one way street?


 

If his apperance is that important to her.  This varies from marriage to marriage. She may feel strongly about another issue. 

Some men could care squat about hair type/state - but hers does. 

Lawd, have mercy - I'm sorry for opening up this can of worms. erplexed


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## mscocoface (Aug 23, 2009)

There are a lot of women unfortunately having to deal with this issue.  There are some who cannot even go natural because the fallout would be disasterous for their marriage or family relationships and I am not talking about other countries like Dominican Republic or Haiti but right here in the good ole US of A.

I know of one site the owner gets women calling and crying to her constantly because they want to go natural but they know that the marriage would be in shambles and the trauma too great for them to bare.

Like it, love it or hate it, it is what it is.  At the end of the day OP has to determine what is the best course of action to take.  Trying to find a happy medium would be wonderful, but it may come to one or the other getting their choice.

To answer the question the OP asked, yes there are quite a few women who have and are still dealing with this issue, some have a more severe situation than you do.

Whatever you decide I wish you the best and hope that you both are satisfied in the end.


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## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

Oooooooh no 

It would BE ON if this was my man.   *

**#1 - How can the GOD GIVEN hair texture that grows out of your scalp "not look good on you?"*

#2 - It's NOT his choice how you wear your hair.  If he loves and accepts you, your hair is part of the package.

Either support me or stfu about it.  That would be what I would say.

I know we all like to please our men... but we also should love and want to please ourselves first and foremost.

Sorry this is happening to you!


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## LushLox (Aug 23, 2009)

OP have you looked BKT treatments?  

Think carefully about it before you take the plunge I would say.  There ARE alternatives - a relaxer is so....well permanent!!


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## FluffyRed (Aug 23, 2009)

BeyondBlessed said:


> Can't speak on the husband part, just the "since when does a man even care"
> 
> Every male I know cares, even when your not their gf. At school half my male friends were pissed off I was going to cut my hair since I was going to be natural. And I cut from APL to ear length. I got a lot of head shakes. The current now was annoyed when I went all the way to shoulder length. But he actually hates that I relax...maybe that's the difference anyway the point was most males I know care about how your hair looks. Color, style, length and all.


 
Lemme rephrase the question - since when does a man _in love_ start bossing his wife around about her appearance?

I know schoolboys are superficial and look at women as an object to up their status, but a grown married _man_?  Not just expressing a preference, but giving _orders_?  That's a new one on me.


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## AfroKink (Aug 23, 2009)

I sense this thread is about to go down hill. So let me get this in...

I don't believe that a person can not like EVERY natural style. Even if he doesn't like natural hair (for whatever reason) he will like at least a couple natural styles. I think you should sit down with him and go through the albums of natural women with a similar hair type and length to yours and find styles that he finds attractive. Then where those styles more often. You can even straigten your hair more often if he likes that. 

I was in Sonce's album today and I saw these pics which are really beautiful.
http://public.fotki.com/Kemi21/hair/september-2008c/dscn1839.html


Lys


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## Maracujá (Aug 23, 2009)

Neith said:


> #1 - How can the GOD GIVEN hair texture that grows out of your scalp "not look good on you?"



That was my first thought, my people, my people...


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## LushLox (Aug 23, 2009)

*awaits the padlock*


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## Maracujá (Aug 23, 2009)

MissAlyssa said:


> I was in Sonce's album today and I saw these pics which are really beautiful.
> http://public.fotki.com/Kemi21/hair/september-2008c/dscn1839.html
> 
> 
> Lys



Sonce reopened her album?


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## OhmyKimB (Aug 23, 2009)

FluffyRed said:


> Lemme rephrase the question - since when does a man _in love_ start bossing his wife around about her appearance?
> 
> I know schoolboys are superficial and look at women as an object to up their status, but a grown married _man_? Not just expressing a preference, but giving _orders_? That's a new one on me.


 

Again.... I said I'm not married. However I know married men or in love men since that's what you just said who complain about how a female's hair looks. Whether it's short or long, colored or not, fake or real. Natural or relaxed.

And as for orders I don't listen to most ppl anyway.


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## mj11051 (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> This might be opposing to what everyone else will probably say, *but if your dh feels that strongly about it - I think you have an obligation to satisfy him. Wifely duties come before personal wants. Forget about what society says, what anyone says. DH's opinion matters!
> *
> If it's been this long, it isn't going to grow on him. He doesn't like it and will probably never like it.  I could see if you just started the transition, but you've been natural for quite some time now.
> 
> ...




This is the dumbest crap I've ever read. Marriage is a partnership not an obligation to give a husband what he wants. What about what she wants? I'm married and let me say this when I decided to go natural, I didn't ask him if I could I told him I was. This is my hair not his and what I do with it is up to me. I asked my hubby to grow locs because I thought he'd look good in them, he went and got his hair cut and he didn't ask me what I thought, I asked hubby to grow his beard out like it was when we met, he keeps it cut down,think he asked me about it? Marriage ain't about obligations to each other, it's about respecting each other and loving the other person AS THEY ARE and not just what one wants.Thank God my hubby is not so SHALLOW because we probably wouldn't be together. If being natural is me then allow me to be ME.


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## AfroKink (Aug 23, 2009)

Maracujá said:


> Sonce reopened her album?


It says she opened it in July and will be doing updates again!

Lys


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## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

Cream Tee said:


> *awaits the padlock*




It is surely coming...


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## TiffTaff (Aug 23, 2009)

If you love it... Keep It! Maybe once it gets past a certain length he'll be more accepting of it ( most black men love long hair ). If you need an alternative telax... don't relax bone straight. That way you get the best of both worlds! You get to keep your texture while attaining some length. HTH



dlove said:


> Hair type: 4a/b thick. Shrinks into a 2 inch fro.
> 
> DH told me that the natural look on me has to go. I just two strand twisted my hair and made an updo in the back and sides with it. He told me that I looked better with straight hair and none, NONE of the natural styles I do or pay someone to do looks good on me. I have worn wng puffs, loose two strand twists, two strand twists with flat twists in the front and an afro.
> 
> ...


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## Foxglove (Aug 23, 2009)

Everybody is arguing like there are only 2 alternatives
Relaxing isn't the only way to have straight hair
You could just become a pressed natural or consider something less permanent like the BKT
There are other options


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## Junebug D (Aug 23, 2009)

If you don't want to relax, then you shouldn't. I do agree that you should try to work out a compromise. Tell him that you are trying to grow your hair out and (true or not is besides the point) it's much more difficult for you to grow out hair that has been relaxed. Then show him pictures of long-haired naturals that you admire and see if he comes around.  

And you can also work out a compromise where you can straighten your hair once a month or ever so often; and then show him the length progress you make as a natural. If you don't want to relax, you have to try to sell the idea to him somehow, that relaxers aren't the best thing for your hair.   Good luck.


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## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

Ekaette said:


> Everybody is arguing like there are only 2 alternatives
> Relaxing isn't the only way to have straight hair
> You could just become a pressed natural or consider something less permanent like the BKT
> There are other options



While those are good options for many people... many naturals don't want to do those things.

I would be afraid of heat damage and loosening of my curl pattern.  BKT also can affect your hair texture.

I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, I WANT my natural hair texture intact.  That's why I went natural.


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## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

Neith said:


> While those are good options for many people... many naturals don't want to do those things.
> 
> I would be afraid of heat damage and loosening of my curl pattern.  BKT also can affect your hair texture.
> 
> I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, I WANT my natural hair texture intact.  That's why I went natural.




Exactly.

I know if this were me, heat straightening and BKT wouldn't be an option. I don't even wear straight fake hair.


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## FluffyRed (Aug 23, 2009)

msa said:


> Exactly.
> 
> I know if this were me, heat straightening and BKT wouldn't be an option. I don't even wear straight fake hair.


 
MSA, your hair!   Es*pec*ially the wash n go!!


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## Foxglove (Aug 23, 2009)

Neith said:


> While those are good options for many people... many naturals don't want to do those things.
> 
> I would be afraid of heat damage and loosening of my curl pattern.  BKT also can affect your hair texture.
> 
> I can't speak for anyone else, but for me, I WANT my natural hair texture intact.  That's why I went natural.



Trust me I understand your point and if it were me I would keep my own hair natural
But in her case if it's something where it's affecting your marriage that much to where a compromise needs to be reached, I would try everything else first (especially temporary things) to avoid getting the relaxer
Maybe just use tons of heat protectant? I dunno


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## Dommo (Aug 23, 2009)

I agree that you and your husband should meet somewhere in the middle. You don't have to relax; there are plenty of salons who can press or flat iron natural hair and it will look as if you had a relaxer. I am going natural but i will be wearing my hair mostly straight because the fro look is just unattractive on me and i know that.

It may seem a little shallow but its important that your husband remains attracted to you and vice versa. It would be different if he were asking for you to get plastic surgery or something but to straighten your hair once in a while is not a big sacrifice to please your husband.


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## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 23, 2009)

I'm reading and I can't even fathom the THOUGHT of being weakminded enough to think "Oh well, what hubby says, goes!" No,no,NO! Compromise? Pfftt... he doesn't seem like the compromising type. He's already commanding her to get her hair relaxed and styled. Couldn't be me though because he would have had a swift drop kick to his head.


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## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

FluffyRed said:


> MSA, your hair!   Es*pec*ially the wash n go!!



Aww thanks!!!


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## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

mj11051 said:


> This is the dumbest crap I've ever read. Marriage is a partnership not an obligation to give a husband what he wants. What about what she wants? I'm married and let me say this when I decided to go natural, I didn't ask him if I could I told him I was. This is my hair not his and what I do with it is up to me. I asked my hubby to grow locs because I thought he'd look good in them, he went and got his hair cut and he didn't ask me what I thought, I asked hubby to grow his beard out like it was when we met, he keeps it cut down,think he asked me about it? Marriage ain't about obligations to each other, it's about respecting each other and loving the other person AS THEY ARE and not just what one wants.Thank God my hubby is not so SHALLOW because we probably wouldn't be together. If being natural is me then allow me to be ME.


 
okay.


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## keelioness (Aug 23, 2009)

Kudos to Asuperwoman for having the courage to post her view.. 21st century or not ..people kinda want what they signed up for.. It would be different if he met u with natural hair.. I know I sure hassle my boyfriend about keepng his hair in a low ceasar..lol. People like what they like its a little stupid but thats how it is. I want to be attracted to my SO and I want him to be attracted to me.. I agree with MSA and the other ladies who say find a happy medium.. but dont say screw  his opinioni all together


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## jennboo (Aug 23, 2009)

I'm sorry, uh-uh, no way/no how. 

This is just one of those things that DH would have to come to terms with. He would definitely just have to get over it. Him asking you to put a relaxer in your hair is like him asking you to bleach your skin. Would you do that for him?

This is YOU. This is who you are and you should not allow anyone to make you feel less than bc of it. 

I understand and kind of agree with the "How i met you and became attracted to you is how you should remain" rhetoric. I can't really be mad about that, lol. This is reason number 473,647,365,765,477 that i opted to go natural. When men approach me, i know they like me for me, who i am naturally, and not a society appeasing, unrealistic version of me. 

I say experiment with different natural styles. He is bound to like something. I agree with other posters suggestions about braid outs and  twist outs to stretch the hair. Your dh probably just prefers the long hair/stretched hair look on you. 

That must be an awful feeling though and i am sorry that you are going through this. It has to be hurtful (i know i would be extremely hurt) if DH didnt enjoy/appreciate my beauty and insisted that i resort to emulating the look of others.   

If YOU want to remain natural and are happy with your hair as is, you should keep it natural. BUT if your thinking is aligned with his in terms of natural hair being unacceptable/ugly then you should probably just relax so that the both of you can feel better.


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## Eiano (Aug 23, 2009)

*looks unpolished?? ummm no...*

*sigh* I just about agree with EVERYONE in this thread. Including asuperwoman....

...but the compromise suggestion is the best. How would you feel about going to a natural hair salon to get your hair pressed lightly every now and then? It has it's risks... (hair becoming permanently strraight), but every now and then when you go out?


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## jennboo (Aug 23, 2009)

MSA!!! This is the first time i'm seeing your siggy. Your hair is beautiful!


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## aribell (Aug 23, 2009)

FluffyRed said:


> Lemme rephrase the question - since when does a man _in love_ start bossing his wife around about her appearance?
> 
> I know schoolboys are superficial and look at women as an object to up their status, but a grown married _man_? Not just expressing a preference, but giving _orders_? That's a new one on me.


 
I don't know about giving orders, that seems a bit much, but most black men that I've known, old and young alike have expressed clear preferences/opinons about women and hair.  And I have had more than one expressly say or imply that I should do x,y, or z with my hair, especially when it was natural.  

It sounds like your husband feels that your hair is reflecting poorly on you in some way, and it's not purely about what he likes, necessarily.  Even as someone who has had these same conversations with family as a natural, I think it's too easy to dismiss people who don't like it as being out of touch.

Unfortunately, what looks "polished" is defined by certain cultural norms, and natural hair hasn't become a part of that look in everyone's eyes.  I had a black boss that clearly didn't like my twist-outs just as much as he didn't like another black employee's colorful wigs.  People still haven't come to see natural as just another way to wear hair.

I agree with the poster who suggested going through an album of natural styles and picking out which look best to him.  There are definitely ways of doing cornrows, flat twists, etc. that look genuinely sophisticated.  He just may not have had much exposure to them.


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## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

Ekaette said:


> Trust me I understand your point and if it were me I would keep my own hair natural
> But in her case if it's something where it's affecting your marriage that much to where a compromise needs to be reached, I would try everything else first (especially temporary things) to avoid getting the relaxer
> Maybe just use tons of heat protectant? I dunno



I get your point too.

I don't think that the choice of wearing your natural hair should negatively affect a marriage though.

Who says that a husband HAS to approve of his wife's hair?

Of course it would be nice if he likes it, but just because you're my husband doesn't mean I have to do things to my body that I don't want to do.

ETA:

I'm not saying to screw his opinion.  For me, temporary straightening/BTK is not a happy medium.  I have good reason not to want to do it.  

For some, it may be the right way to go.  For a lot of people, it's just not something we want to do to our hair under any cirumstances.  

*Like... most people here wouldn't go dye their hair blond because hubby liked blond hair. 

It's not simply asking for a new style... it's a drastic change for some.  That can have bad consequences.*


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## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

jennboo said:


> MSA!!! This is the first time i'm seeing your siggy. Your hair is beautiful!



Thanks lady! I need some of your afro puffs though.


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## caribgirl (Aug 23, 2009)

Agreeing with all the comments about finding a happy medium as well.

Marriage is a compromise and I value my Dh's opinion. I know that I can let Dh know in a sec when he needs to take off a shirt or suit that I don't like or even change barbers  . Ok, so he seems extreme with pressing OP to make a hair appt ASAP but like others have said he just knows of relaxers and not of other ways to get hair as such. 

No matter how we go back and forth about her dh's "strong" opinion, it's her marriage and a happy home wins out hair any day of the week. OP, I hope that you can come up with a solution so that you BOTH will be satisfied!


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## Junebug D (Aug 23, 2009)

The thing is the OP doesn't even seem totally sold on her natural hair herself. erplexed  



> Though I like being natural, the styles seem to be suited to the younger generation. You mostly see schooled aged young children , teenagers and 20 something with twists,braids and plaits-not 40 y.o. women. I thought the "updo" kept it polished looking.



If she herself seems to be unsure, then i think it's a situation where there can be a happy medium for both of them. If the hair thing is becoming a big issue in their relationship, then I don't think straightening or BKT can or should be ruled out completely. It's nothing to do with being "weak-minded"; it's about not letting something that's not even of severe consequence cause problems in a MARRIAGE.  

But either way, it's up to her to sell him the idea. I don't think she should just give him the finger and ignore him. Talk about it, try to sell him the idea of natural hair, get him to like it.  If all that fails, then maybe she should look into straightening or other options like BKT (and then make him pay for the BKT or the FHI! He may change his mind when he sees the prices!) Don't prolong or worsen unnecessary strife in a marriage that I assume is otherwise happy over hair.


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## FluffyRed (Aug 23, 2009)

nicola.kirwan said:


> I don't know about giving orders, that seems a bit much, but most black men that I've known, old and young alike have expressed clear preferences/opinons about women and hair. *And I have had more than one expressly say or imply that I should do x,y, or z with my hair*, especially when it was natural.
> 
> Unfortunately, what looks "polished" is defined by certain cultural norms, and natural hair hasn't become a part of that look in everyone's eyes. I had a black boss that clearly didn't like my twist-outs just as much as he didn't like another black employee's colorful wigs. *People still haven't come to see natural as just another way to wear hair*.


 
As have I.  But none of them was my _spouse_ when I was a 40-something year old woman and none of them was _demanding_ that I change my appearance.    And no one will come to see it as just another way to wear hair as long as we are intimidated out of wearing it.  If it's not a job related concern, that affects your livelihood, he would just have to get over it.

This is less about his "preference" and more about the demand, imo.

Does a _married _black woman have no control over even her own appearance?  What _can_ she control?


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## Aggie (Aug 23, 2009)

Personally I would do what my husband wants because I would have to live with him for the rest of my life but not before I let him know what my reasons are for becoming natural in the first place. Perhaps if you can dig up some statistics on the long-term negative effects of relaxing hair and tactfully present them to him in a way he might understand, that might help. 

Also, discuss some compromising options that he might be okay with. You'll never know until you try. But be prepared if he still doesn't quite see it your way. He may present compelling arguments of his own as well - so be prepared.

I believe that a woman should always try to please her husband and vice versa in order to have an amicable long-term marriage and this is done primarily through deep discussions. Men are visual creatures and I would want my husband to not only love me but be turned on by my physical appearance as well when he looks at me. I wouldn't want him to be turned off by me in any way. 

Why should I be the cause of him looking elsewhere for what he considers in his mind as beautiful and "polished". This may not be the case mind you, but it's unbelieveable what some of the things are that turn men off.

Allow me to give an example. If I marry a man that kept his hair short and neatly trimmed, his beard immaculate, his nails trimmed nice and neat, then all of a sudden he decides to grow his hair long and start braiding it, he stops keeping his beard nice and trimmed and nails grows longer than mine, then of course I will have a problem with this shift in his physical appearance. This may be okay for some women, but it is not for me.

I know that many might say, concentrating on just the physical is shallow, but believe it or not it is the entire package involved here because our physical appearance affects our brains too. Do we want to be appealing to the eyes of the object of our affections or not? The answer to this question varies from person to person in varying degrees. 

I know that I would want to please my husband even if I just discuss texlaxing my hair and see if he is okay with that look on me. There are too many divorces going on in the world right now because we as individuals do not want to compromise a little of ourselves in a meaningful relationship. 

OP, Ask yourself the question, how important is my marraige to me versus how important is keeping my natural hair? What do you value the most? This should be easy to answer depending on what your relationship with your husband is like. I encourage you to be objective and base your decision on the answer that carries the most weight for you.


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## jennboo (Aug 23, 2009)

msa said:


> Thanks lady! I need some of your afro puffs though.


 
lol. Your hair is about 3x longer than mine so those puffs would look spectacular on you!


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## Americka (Aug 23, 2009)

Aggie said:


> Personally I would do what my husband wants because I would have to live with him for the rest of my life but not before I let him know what my reasons are for becoming natural in the first place. Perhaps if you can dig up some statistics on the long-term negative effects of relaxing hair and tactfully present them to him in a way he might understand, that might help.
> 
> Also, discuss some compromising options that he might be okay with. You'll never know until you try. But be prepared if he still doesn't quite see it your way. He may present compelling arguments of his own as well - so be prepared.
> 
> ...



Pure wisdom! Excellent post, Aggie!


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## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

I just want to say that if the question is a happy marriage or staying natural then there's something far more serious going on than just some hair.


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## FluffyRed (Aug 23, 2009)

nm ...................


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## caribgirl (Aug 23, 2009)

msa said:


> I just want to say that if the question is a happy marriage or staying natural then there's something far more serious going on than just some hair.


 
Stop speculating, sis .


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## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

caribgirl said:


> Stop speculating, sis .





I just meant in general. 

I'm not married but ummm yeah. That's an either/or that just seems ridiculous.


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## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

Aggie said:


> Personally I would do what my husband wants because I would have to live with him for the rest of my life but not before I let him know what my reasons are for becoming natural in the first place. Perhaps if you can dig up some statistics on the long-term negative effects of relaxing hair and tactfully present them to him in a way he might understand, that might help.
> 
> Also, discuss some compromising options that he might be okay with. You'll never know until you try. But be prepared if he still doesn't quite see it your way. He may present compelling arguments of his own as well - so be prepared.
> 
> ...



As for the bolded... if you are afraid to LOSE a man to a hairstyle, the relationship is not worth saving imo.

I don't know if that's where it's going for the OP, but I assumed this was just a fight and not something that would truly put the marriage in danger.  I hope so!

As for your example...  

Someone wearing their natural hair and taking good care of it is NOT equal to someone "letting themselves go".  A man with a big bushy beard and abnormally long fingernails is strange looking by any standards.  

Wearing healthy natural hair isn't like becoming lazy with your hygeine.


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## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

msa said:


> I just want to say that if the question is a happy marriage or staying natural then there's something far more serious going on than just some hair.


 

It's really not that complicated, 
 men want their wives to look good.  What looks good varies from man to man but in this case, this man likes the "relaxed" look better on HIS wife. 

Sure their marriage may not be doomed to hell if she chooses to stay natural, but if she cares about her husbands like & dislikes as any wife should- then she should consider his desires. What's wrong with that? 

Some women act like it's insanity to cater to their husbands, I respectfully disagree with that sentiment. And would argue the weak willed are those who are too selfish to give up their wills for the sake of someone else's. 

That's just my opinion though and please take it as such.


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## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

msa said:


> I just meant in general.
> 
> I'm not married but ummm yeah. That's an either/or that just seems ridiculous.


 

The fact that you're not married -says a lot.  It's easy for unmarried woman to have strong stances on what married women should do.  Not just you, but in general.


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## caribgirl (Aug 23, 2009)

msa said:


> I just meant in general.
> 
> I'm not married but ummm yeah. That's an either/or that just seems ridiculous.


 
I was so proud of you-- pages back in this thread.

But seriously, marriage is no easy walk- compromising and communication is so important. I hope that OP and her hubby can accomplish this with this issue.


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## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

FluffyRed said:


> As have I.  But none of them was my _spouse_ when I was a 40-something year old woman and none of them was _demanding_ that I change my appearance.    And no one will come to see it as just another way to wear hair as long as we are intimidated out of wearing it.  If it's not a job related concern, that affects your livelihood, he would just have to get over it.
> 
> This is less about his "preference" and more about the demand, imo.
> 
> *Does a married black woman have no control over even her own appearance?  What can she control?*



Thank you!  A grown woman having to wear her hair the way someone else likes it?  

I am in a WONDERFUL, respectful relationship of 2.5 years.  I can count the number of fights we've had on one hand.

You don't have to submit to someone to be loved.  He should respect you and FEEL LUCKY to have your love and appreciate you just how you are.

Not to say that he should have no input, but you shouldn't have to make any life altering/drastic decsisions about your appearance to make him happy.

Wear a certain dress more often?  Sure!  Wear the make up he likes, wear the perfume he likes, wear my hair up/down more often because he likes it?  Great!

Bathe my hair and scalp in chemicals that will forever change my hair texture?   Use heated instruments that may damage/alter my hair's texture permanently?  Nope. 

Why should anyone HAVE to do that?


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## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> It's really not that complicated,
> men want their wives to look good.  What looks good varies from man to man but in this case, this man likes the "relaxed" look better on HIS wife.
> 
> Sure their marriage may not be doomed to hell if she chooses to stay natural, but if she cares about her husbands like & dislikes as any wife should- then she should consider his desires. What's wrong with that?
> ...



As I said earlier, I do agree with you to a certain extent. When you're married you should take your husband's views into account. I just don't think relaxing is the answer in this situation. 



asuperwoman said:


> The fact that you're not married -says a lot.  It's easy for unmarried woman to have strong stances on what married women should do.  Not just you, but in general.



I agree. 


caribgirl said:


> *I was so proud of you-- pages back in this thread.*
> 
> But seriously, marriage is no easy walk- compromising and communication is so important. I hope that OP and her hubby can accomplish this with this issue.



LOL.

I really wasn't commenting on OP's marriage (OP I hope you didn't take it that way because I don't know anything about you and your business so I wouldn't make that assumption).

It's just that people are making it seem like it's either a happy marriage or having natural hair. If my spouse made it that serious then I'd really have to rethink some things.


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## Duchesse (Aug 23, 2009)

msa said:


> I just want to say that if the question is a happy marriage or staying natural then there's something far more serious going on than just some hair.


 
I don't think the dichotomy is that severe..at least with the OP.

I think your husband is just being honest and has his right to express his opinion of how he views you to be most attractive. Like Aggies example, if I'm used to and love my man having a sharp ceasar and he starts growing Damien Marley dreds, I would have issues. I would still love him, but I know myself and I would make comments about his looks. 

Would I expect him to run for the scissors and cut off his locks..no.  But I would expect him to take my opinion into account. I don't think it's so superficial to want your mate to look a certain way.


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## FluffyRed (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> The fact that you're not married -says a lot. It's easy for unmarried woman to have strong stances on what married women should do. Not just you, but in general.


 
Should it really make a difference, though?

Does the principle of respecting the woman not matter inside a marriage?

My (ex)husband tried to make silly demands of me, too.  But then he was an abusive control freak, before and after the wedding.  Still, we both accepted and adjusted to the physical changes we went through over the course of our marriage. (we still _got it in_, and physical appearance was not an issue)

What are men supposed to compromise on?


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## Aggie (Aug 23, 2009)

Neith said:


> As for the bolded... if you are afraid to LOSE a man to a hairstyle, the relationship is not worth saving imo.
> 
> I don't know if that's where it's going for the OP, but I assumed this was just a fight and not something that would truly put the marriage in danger. I hope so!
> 
> ...


 
With all due respect, I disagree. I love you, but I  disagree. I am very willing to change my hair to suit my husbands likes. If that's what it takes to keep my vows not only to him but to God, then that's what I'll do. This in my mind is a very small change to make and I see nothing wrong or demeaning to me as a woman with it. I would then take the matter to God in prayer and ask that HE change my husband's mind. In time, I truly believe that my husband's eyes would be opened so to speak and he will see things from a different perspective as long as I remember to put the matter in God's hands and let HIM take care of thr resulting events from there.

I said nothing about anyone letting themselves go or "bushy" beards or "abnormally long" nails or even problems with "hygiene". Where did all that  come from? You totally misread my post. These are your embellished thoughts and words and not mine. Some men think it's acceptable to wear clean waist length hair, long clean beards and nails. I have seen it and mind you, these men do not look bad, it's just not a preference for me personally. 

I am not here to attack anyone's thoughts as you have done mine, just to simply voice my thoughts as have every lady that posted in here has done. The OP will do what she feels is right for her and her marraige no matter what we say. So why the attackerplexed?


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## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

FluffyRed said:


> Should it really make a difference, though?
> 
> *Does the principle of respecting the woman not matter inside a marriage?*
> 
> ...


 
@ The bolded- Of course! Yeah, it matters, but it sometimes seems women who are unmarried will give insight as such: a single woman. The mindset does change with marriage, or it should. When it comes to maritial issues- the input of a happily married woman vs a single woman will often differ.  I don't know why that is, but it is.   Furthermore, I don't see him wanting her to relax her hair as disrespectful. He was honest and such, some of us complain about our husband's communicating with us but then when they are honest with us about certain topics, we take offense.

What men compromise on, varies from marriage to marriage. So, I can't give you a general answer on that one. My husband doesn't shave all of his hair off - because of my preference. I wouldn't divorce him over a haircut, but he takes my likes into account when he goes to the barbership. Although a "brush cut" is easier for him to maintain, he doesn't do it because he knows how much I like his 3b hair.... there are other things too but this is one example I can think of when it comes to looks.


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## Aggie (Aug 23, 2009)

This is getting a little vicious...unsubscribing...

Good luck dlove on whatever you decide to do. May your hair and your marraige be a happy one.


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## BroadstreetBully (Aug 23, 2009)

If your DH met you with straight hair, of course it will be hard for him to get used to short natural hair.

The main complaint I hear from black men in regards to natural hair is the length. You said your hair shrinks down to a 2 inch fro. I'm sorry but many men aren't feeling that look. It's unfortunate but that's how it is. 

I bet once your hair gets longer he'll love it. Until then, it's about compromise. You can either try maintaining straight styles some of the time, look into BKT, try wigging/weaving it up, or maybe texlax. Marriage is about compromise NOT someone getting their way. You have to meet him halfway and he needs to do the same.


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## mj11051 (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> It's really not that complicated,
> men want their wives to look good.  What looks good varies from man to man but in this case, this man likes the "relaxed" look better on HIS wife.
> 
> Sure their marriage may not be doomed to hell if she chooses to stay natural, but if she cares about her husbands like & dislikes as any wife should- then she should consider his desires. What's wrong with that?
> ...




It's nothing wrong with catering to your hubby because believe I cater to mine everyday. However when it comes to him telling how to walk, talk, dress and wear my hair that's another thing. I love my hubby with all my heart but we would have a problem if he asked to relax my hair to satisfy him, is he thinking about me? Or is it all about him? We would have to compromise. Hubby and I have been together for 16 yrs and married 12. So I was relaxed when he met me, but I changed because that's the way life goes, we all grow and change. Sorry didn't mean to be rude to you forgive me. I just hate this I should changed my hair because he doesn't like thingy.


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## tailormade84 (Aug 23, 2009)

i am in your shoes and i have learned DH issue is not my hair, but rather how i keep my hair. he is not a fan of the fro.

As long as i keep it styles nicely(cornrows in a design, small twists), he is appeased. if a nice style wont do, then try pressing it.


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## jennboo (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> It's really not that complicated,
> men want their wives to look good. What looks good varies from man to man but *in this case, this man likes the "relaxed" look better on HIS wife. *
> 
> Sure their marriage may not be doomed to hell if she chooses to stay natural, but if she cares about her husbands like & dislikes as any wife should- then she should consider his desires. What's wrong with that?
> ...


 
You know, the bolded is where i agree with you. As i stated before in a  previous post,  i can't really be mad at a a man for preferring his wife's looks the way they met. He liked relaxed hair, he sought out a woman with relaxed hair, and now she is switching it up.

I think the issue is whether or not the wife likes it. It honestly seems as though the OP isnt all that happy with her natural hair. In a case like this, where the wife seems open to the idea bc of her own reticence about remaining natural, she should just relax it so that the both of them can be happy.  

But all bets are off if she is truly happy, loves her natural hair, and does NOT want to chemically alter it. Then the husband needs to "just get over it".


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## Taina (Aug 23, 2009)

I'm really sorry to hear that. 
It is too much to take this opinion in the society and know have to accept that in your house. But he is you husband and you are the one that know how to talk to him, and by explaining why you become, and why you want to stay natural, try to make him accept you hair the way you have it and the way you want to keep it,

I'm married too, and my problem with my husband is that he likes long relaxed hair, now i'm 1.5 inches natural and *he* cutted my hair, you will ask how he changed his mind? Well he did not, but i talked to him, explaining how i felt and how i wanna have my natural hair, i showed him all the hair that was falling out of my hair and he understood because he wants me to be happy, and i tild him i will do it, because i want him to be involve in my desitions, because it is MY hair, but i'm HIS wife and WE are a TEAM.

Honey if your DH loves you he will understand why you want to have natural hair, just explain to him, you have to talk each other, no one have to obbey the other one, you both have to compromise and find a solution that can fits both of you.

Good luck


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## FluffyRed (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> My husband doesn't shave all of his hair off - because of my preference. I wouldn't divorce him over a haircut, but he takes my likes into account when he goes to the barbership. Although a "brush cut" is easier for him to maintain, he doesn't do it because he knows how much I like his 3b hair.... there are other things too but this is one example I can think of when it comes to looks.


 
Catering to your spouse and having your spouse dictate something to you are two different things.

If he had said, "i like your hair when it looks like ... " or "I think it looks sexy when you... " that would have been a different matter.  

He insulted the hair _God gave her_ and told her to make an appointment.

Or, maybe I'm just reading too much into how OP worded it.


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## BroadstreetBully (Aug 23, 2009)

Also, have you maybe showed your DH examples of how long natural hair can look? Have you explained that it's for length and health?


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## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

mj11051 said:


> It's nothing wrong with catering to your hubby because believe I cater to mine everyday. However when it comes to him telling how to walk, talk, dress and wear my hair that's another thing. I love my hubby with all my heart but we would have a problem if he asked to relax my hair to satisfy him, is he thinking about me? Or is it all about him? We would have to compromise. Hubby and I have been together for 16 yrs and married 12. So I was relaxed when he met me, but I changed because that's the way life goes, we all grow and change. Sorry didn't mean to be rude to you forgive me. *I just hate this I should changed my hair because he doesn't like thingy*.


 
I understand and it makes perfect sense. If he had *asked *her rather than *told* her, would you feel different about it? 

And Kudos to being married for 12 years. That's an accomplishment!!!


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## Ronnieaj (Aug 23, 2009)

Dlove,

DO NOT get a relaxer if you will resent him for it.  That will only further exacerbate this issue.  You need to sit down and have a REAL discussion with him about what you are doing and why, and what alternatives there are that will keep BOTH of you happy.  I'm not married, and I don't want to hear from married women about how my perspective's off.  I'm a divorce attorney, and I hear this every doggone day, so I think I've got a lot of perspective.  If this is that serious, you both need to go to counseling, marital and separate.  Otherwise this issue will not resolve itself.  Best of luck to you hon.


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## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

FluffyRed said:


> Catering to your spouse and having your spouse dictate something to you are two different things.
> 
> If he had said, "i like your hair when it looks like ... " or "I think it looks sexy when you... " that would have been a different matter.
> 
> ...


 

I see what you're saying and it makes perfect sense. I didn't read that much into the wording, but when you put it like that- I can see the sentiment you bring up. It becomes more about him being disrespectful of her than her respecting his likes.


----------



## Crackers Phinn (Aug 23, 2009)

Ordinarily I'd stay outta these convo's but I see this sentiment alot.



mj11051 said:


> Marriage is a partnership





mj11051 said:


> when I decided to go natural, I didn't ask him if I could I told him I was.



Your 'partnership' just seems like the inverse of the OP's situation.

~~~~~~~~~
I agree with whoever said the OP doesn't seem sold on natural hair.   There are big battles and small battles that you have in a relationship.  What's the point of making a big battle out of something you're half hearted about?


----------



## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

Aggie said:


> With all due respect, I disagree. I love you, but I  disagree. I am very willing to change my hair to suit my husbands likes. If that's what it takes to keep my vows not only to him but to God, then that's what I'll do. This in my mind is a very small change to make and I see nothing wrong or demeaning to me as a woman with it. I would then take the matter to God in prayer and ask that HE change my husband's mind. In time, I truly believe that my husband's eyes would be opened so to speak and he will see things from a different perspective as long as I remember to put the matter in God's hands and let HIM take care of thr resulting events from there.
> 
> I said nothing about anyone letting themselves go or "bushy" beards or "abnormally long" nails or even problems with "hygiene". Where did all that  come from? You totally misread my post. These are your embellished thoughts and words and not mine. Some men think it's acceptable to wear clean waist length hair, long clean beards and nails. I have seen it and mind you, these men do not look bad, it's just not a preference for me personally.
> 
> I am not here to attack anyone's thoughts as you have done mine, just to simply voice my thoughts as have every lady that posted in here has done. The OP will do what she feels is right for her and her marraige no matter what we say. So why the attackerplexed?



Why do you think I attacked you? 

I didn't even say anything directly about you.  Laughing cuz... wow, I didn't see that as an attack.  I honestly have no ill will towards anyone here!  Just having a discussion...   

The picture that you painted - man with nails significantly longer than a woman's nails and a man that *"stops keeping his beard nice" (quoted directly from your post)*... is misleading then.

It's my opinion that partners in marriage are equals.  I'm not going to do something against what I feel strongly about just to make him happy.

Like I said before... some people can go straighten their hair and find a happy medium.

but SOME can't because we don't want to use harsh chemicals or damage our hair. 

I love him to death, but I am not going to walk around hating the way I look because of him either.  It's women that usually feel that they have to live with life's sorrows to make everyone else happy.  

It's hair on MY head?  I'll listen to your suggestions, but the final choice is RIGHTFULLY mine alone.

All my opinions - Not a personal attack AT ALL!


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## JollyGal (Aug 23, 2009)

Oh dear!

You must tell DH how much he has offended you. Don't change your hair unless you want to.

With all due respect I think what he said was extremely harsh and out of order. He doesn't have hair or even understand about black female hair care.

It's important you steer clear of negativity even if it's about black hair. For black women, hair is so much more than just HAIR.

I haven't been in this situation with a partner but I've had a friend ask me when I was going to relax my hair (apparently my fro was too wild)...and I said to her when you stop wearing wigs.

you know what maybe his friends have been saying things to him about your hair. This closed mentality is very damaging. Before relaxers how did black people wear their hair?

Hairstyles can never be outdated unless you wear those bobbles that are shaped like sweets lol


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## Kawaii1 (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> This might be opposing to what everyone else will probably say, but if your dh feels that strongly about it - I think you have an obligation to satisfy him. Wifely duties come before personal wants. Forget about what society says, what anyone says. DH's opinion matters!
> 
> If it's been this long, it isn't going to grow on him. He doesn't like it and will probably never like it. I could see if you just started the transition, but you've been natural for quite some time now.
> 
> ...


 
I agree, my DH is like this. He doesn't like the natural look so I relax for him. It's not that big of a deal to cause strife in your marriage. I could understand if you had some sort of medical reason to notrelax but if this is the man you love and he accomodates you then you should do the same. Don't listen to anyone who does *NOT* have a man.


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## moonglowdiva (Aug 23, 2009)

*Maybe you should sit down and talk to your hubby. When you married him ya'll no longer were individuals but one. Communication is key. Sound like to me DH is not happy, be careful because the grass might start to look greener on the other side. Your one and only goal is to keep peace within your household. Hair can be sacrificed. Talk to him. Think about it like this what if the shoe was on the other foot. What would you do?*


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## natstar (Aug 23, 2009)

I wish things were different and he accepted it more but maybe there can be a compromise?

If you love your natural hair- KEEP IT!  I think some relaxed hair can looked "unpolished" too if not taken care of or styled a certain way.

For the styles that you mentioned:"wng puffs, loose two strand twists, two strand twists with flat twists in the front and an afro" maybe you can adjust them in a way that they are a little more conservative at times. Play around with it. 
You can do more up dos from braid outs/twistouts/bantu knot outs, flat iron, curlformers, regular braidouts/twistouts, buns- whatever.  Show him some other options and he MAY change his mind and come around. Do this before jumping the gun and relaxing. 

Ultimately its your decision. I agree some styles are less conservative than others. I don't agree with that all natural hair looks unprofessional/unkempt.  I think its how u put together the entire package (i.e.accessories/makeup/clothes/hair).

ETA- I really like Kawaii's post- you can compromise and switch it up sometimes.  You have options with ur natural hair (flat iron, afro, two strand twists) whatev. Just take care of it regardless


----------



## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

Crackers Phinn said:


> Ordinarily I'd stay outta these convo's but I see this sentiment alot.
> 
> Your 'partnership' just seems like the inverse of the OP's situation.
> 
> ...





mj11051 said:


> Marriage is a partnership not an obligation to give a husband what he wants. What about what she wants?
> 
> I asked my hubby to grow locs because I thought he'd look good in them, he went and got his hair cut and he didn't ask me what I thought, I asked hubby to grow his beard out like it was when we met, he keeps it cut down,think he asked me about it?
> 
> ...



That's just how you chose to look at it, Crackersphinn.

Does it still seem like the inverse with the quotes I picked out?

I do agree that if it's not important, then go get a relaxer/BKT/press or find some other way to compromise.  I would never say no just to say no or anything like that..

but... since she IS indisicive, she should think about what she really wants.  It may be important to her and that may be what's keeping her back.  If she didn't care much, why would she need advice about it?


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## Kawaii1 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ronnieaj said:


> Dlove,
> 
> DO NOT get a relaxer if you will resent him for it. That will only further exacerbate this issue. You need to sit down and have a REAL discussion with him about what you are doing and why, and what alternatives there are that will keep BOTH of you happy. I'm not married, and I don't want to hear from married women about how my perspective's off. I'm a divorce attorney, and I hear this every doggone day, so I think I've got a lot of perspective. If this is that serious, you both need to go to counseling, marital and separate. Otherwise this issue will not resolve itself. Best of luck to you hon.


 

I don't know about your perspective because these people you are talking too are coming to you in unhealthy relationships. You are right though, they need to work together to fix the problem. Maybe she could do a texlax or press and curl. Maybe he would like dreadlocks better. It seems that most of the styles the OP was wearing are poofy. He might not like poofy hair. My DH doesn't like poofy hair. Even straight poofy hair . I like curls and poof so sometimes I wear it just straight and sometimes I poof or curl it. Maybe the OP could do what he likes some days and her own thing other days.


----------



## natstar (Aug 23, 2009)

Kawaii1 said:


> I don't know about your perspective because these people you are talking too are coming to you in unhealthy relationships. You are right though, they need to work together to fix the problem. Maybe she could do a texlax or *press and curl*. Maybe he would like dreadlocks better. It seems that most of the styles the OP was wearing are poofy. He might not like poofy hair. My DH doesn't like poofy hair. Even straight poofy hair . I like curls and poof so sometimes I wear it just straight and sometimes I poof or curl it. *Maybe the OP could do what he likes some days and her own thing other days.[/*QUOTE]
> 
> I really like this idea- Ok so he may not like ur styles- change it up some days and do you some days.  Your style options are limitless.  And its a good compromise


----------



## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 23, 2009)

You know what? Im sorry but I gotta say this-- I have only had problems like this with black men. Now I will say that there are some black men that will kill for a natural sista, but my man (who happens to be white) and others before him (either white or asian), did not have a problem with my hair. It was alway the black men who tried to change me ("why don't you straighten your hair?"). This is not a case of having a man or not-- I doubt everyone that doesn't have a man be it bf or husband lost them due to having a brain thus being able to make their own decisions. There are MANY women that cater to their men and still get cheated on, or just plain left in the dust. People are saying "Relaxing your hair is not a big deal to save your marriage", well is it not true that his wife wanting natural hair shouldn't cause strife in the marriage either?


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## soulie (Aug 23, 2009)

I am just wondering how many of the hardline 'he can't tell you what to do, do as you please' people in this thread are married.  

The husband expressed his preference.  There will be discussion and either compromise or concession.  However, everyone has to pick his/her battles.  This is one that was THAT important to him. To use a cliche, marriage is give and take.  If this is so important to him, maybe it will be a "give" point for her; but maybe there will be or has been something else where she was adamant, and HE "gave".  That's the way marriage WORKS.  Getting your back up and saying 'I'm not doing so-and-so, you can't tell ME what to do' might win you that particular battle -- but you might lose the war.  Which is more important, the marriage or the hair?  And yes, it can be THAT serious in some relationships.


----------



## rosalindb (Aug 23, 2009)

Would you mind sharing your reasons for going natural 2 years ago? It may be worth you reviewing again to see how important those reasons are to you now?


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## MJ (Aug 23, 2009)

Relaxing isn't the only way to get/wear straight styles. Many naturals here where their hair straight without relaxing.

Also, I'm natural and many natural styles do look unkempt to me. I've seen styles that look great on one person because of how they dress and carry themselves while wearing it, while the same style looks a HAM on another person. Natural styles are VERY individual. Hair texture, length, attitude, and personality make and break styles.

OP and her hubby will need to find something they can agree on together.


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## mj11051 (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> I understand and it makes perfect sense. If he had *asked *her rather than *told* her, would you feel different about it?
> 
> And Kudos to being married for 12 years. That's an accomplishment!!!



Yes I would, if asked and gave his reasons I could respect that. When my hubby asked me to do or not to do something I'm very reasonable and I respect his opinion. But being *told* to make  an make appointment to get a relaxer says to me that you view me as a child and you don't respect as an adult in this marriage.

Thank you for the kudos because marriage is a 24/7 job and it's not easy. 

NOW do you forgive me for being RUDE


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## jennboo (Aug 23, 2009)

The women who relax for their husbands are relaxing for themselves as well. Point blank period. Thats fine. If you are half hearted about your natural, not really vested in it, don't really like it too much, you will be more easily swayed to chemicalize. The extra incentive to relax is if your husband also thinks you look a HAM with your natural. 

If a woman adores her natural hair and is comfortable with it, she would not perm is straight for anyone.

How many women on this board would CUT OFF their waist length, mid back length, APL, etc hair because their husbands preferred the look of short hair (ear length, pixie, amber baldie)?


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## Kawaii1 (Aug 23, 2009)

soulie said:


> I am just wondering how many of the hardline 'he can't tell you what to do, do as you please' people in this thread are married.
> 
> The husband expressed his preference. There will be discussion and either compromise or concession. However, everyone has to pick his/her battles. This is one that was THAT important to him. To use a cliche, marriage is give and take. If this is so important to him, maybe it will be a "give" point for her; but maybe there will be or has been something else where she was adamant, and HE "gave". That's the way marriage WORKS. Getting your back up and saying 'I'm not doing so-and-so, you can't tell ME what to do' might win you that particular battle -- but you might lose the war. Which is more important, the marriage or the hair? And yes, it can be THAT serious in some relationships.


 


 ITA! I have made demands on my DH. If I can't stand something about his look and it's not a big deal then I think he should relent. It's just not that serious to me. Did the OP's DH meet her with straight hair or natural hair?


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## Foxglove (Aug 23, 2009)

natstar said:


> I really like this idea- Ok so he may not like ur styles- change it up some days and do you some days.  Your style options are limitless.  And its a good compromise



Exactly my point
There are other, less permanent alternatives
She doesn't have to get a relaxer to get that look


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## Bulletproof (Aug 23, 2009)

Kawaii1 said:


> I agree, my DH is like this. He doesn't like the natural look so I relax for him. It's not that big of a deal to cause strife in your marriage. *I could understand if you had some sort of medical reason to notrelax but if this is the man you love and he accomodates you then you should do the same. Don't listen to anyone who does NOT have a man.
> 
> You are right though, they need to work together to fix the problem. Maybe she could do a texlax or press and curl. Maybe he would like dreadlocks better. It seems that most of the styles the OP was wearing are poofy. He might not like poofy hair. My DH doesn't like poofy hair. Even straight poofy hair . I like curls and poof so sometimes I wear it just straight and sometimes I poof or curl it. Maybe the OP could do what he likes some days and her own thing other days.*




I think I understand both sides and believe that a compromise can actually b reached if the OP wants to not relax her hair. As has been said there are presses, flat ironing, and even BKT and texlaxing. The last 2 are obviously higher up on the compromise scale. 

I think most people are not happy with the tone of what seems like a demand as opposed to the husband informing his wife of his displeasure with her current look.  I am sure if hubby had said what are some other options as opposed to saying get a relaxer ASAP many people would not feel the way they do. 

I don't think she needs to have a medical reason to validate her choice to be natural. In discussions about her hair being natural with her husband whatever her reasons were should be enough, whether it was a whim, scared of burns, not liking relaxer fumes, whatever they were it should not matter in a real discussion. Just as his reasons for his opinion are valid as well.

The absolute you must run out and relax  because it will make your husband happy is a hard line to take and inconsiderate of her needs and wants. Just as she must consider his desires she must consider herself as well and *THEY* must make a decision. Not she must change to suit his fancy. I truly believe if Dlove if willing to consider occasional presses/flat irons that should be enough for her husband and something with good hair practices she can manage. And if a press is not good enough for him and he demands a relaxer then that is where I say Houston we have a problem.

Also are woman without a man not equals? Yeesh I think opinions and advice can come from all, the OP has to parse through what has been said and choose what will help her situation, whether it comes from a single person or not. Simply being single should not decide the cogency of a POV if it stated with sense and reason.

ETA I agree with the second half of quoted text that I added, it shows fairness to both parties and that was mainly what I was concerned with


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## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 23, 2009)

jennboo said:


> The women who relax for their husbands are relaxing for themselves as well. Point blank period. Thats fine. If you are half hearted about your natural, not really vested in it, don't really like it too much, you will be more easily swayed to chemicalize. The extra incentive to relax is if your husband also thinks you look a HAM with your natural.
> 
> If a woman adores her natural hair and is comfortable with it, she would not perm is straight for anyone.
> 
> _*How many women on this board would CUT OFF their waist length, mid back length, APL, etc hair because their husbands preferred the look of short hair (ear length, pixie, amber baldie)?*_



THANK YOU!!!!!


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## Kawaii1 (Aug 23, 2009)

jennboo said:


> The women who relax for their husbands are relaxing for themselves as well. Point blank period. Thats fine. If you are half hearted about your natural, not really vested in it, don't really like it too much, you will be more easily swayed to chemicalize. The extra incentive to relax is if your husband also thinks you look a HAM with your natural.
> 
> If a woman adores her natural hair and is comfortable with it, she would not perm is straight for anyone.
> 
> How many women on this board would CUT OFF their waist length, mid back length, APL, etc hair because their husbands preferred the look of short hair (ear length, pixie, amber baldie)?


 

Maybe yes and maybe no. I love short hair! Love the clean lines of it. The precision(sp?), the look and easy, maintenance. Short hair is versatile, healthier(in my opinion)and fun. I cut my hair when I was 14(halle berry) and have worn it short for over a decade. I cut it because I loved it that way, my dream hair cut is still a bob (short in the back long on the sides). I got married and the DH loves long hair so I will grow it long. According to you my DH loving long hair is a scapegoat for me to wear long hair. That just doesn't go for everyone.


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## natstar (Aug 23, 2009)

Kawaii1 said:


> I don't know about your perspective because these people you are talking too are coming to you in unhealthy relationships. You are right though, they need to work together to fix the problem. Maybe she could do a texlax or press and curl. Maybe he would like dreadlocks better. It seems that most of the styles the OP was wearing are poofy. He might not like poofy hair. My DH doesn't like poofy hair. Even straight poofy hair . I like curls and poof so sometimes I wear it just straight and sometimes I poof or curl it. Maybe the OP could do what he likes some days and her own thing other days.





MJ said:


> Relaxing isn't the only way to get/wear straight styles. Many naturals here where their hair straight without relaxing.
> 
> *Also, I'm natural and many natural styles do look unkempt to me. I've seen styles that look great on one person because of how they dress and carry themselves while wearing it, while the same style looks a HAM on another person. Natural styles are VERY individual. Hair texture, length, attitude, and personality make and break styles.*
> OP and her hubby will need to find something they can agree on together.




I agree with all of this. Its the *whole *package (and sometime its just the style/detail).  I hope u get a solution OP.


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## music-bnatural-smile (Aug 23, 2009)

kayex said:


> [/b]
> *Also are woman without a man not equals? Yeesh I think opinions and advice can come from all, the OP has to parse through what has been said and choose what will help her situation, whether it comes from a single person or not. Simply being single should not decide the cogency of a POV if it stated with sense and reason.*




holla!!!! well said


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## Foxglove (Aug 23, 2009)

kayex said:


> [/B]
> 
> I think I understand both sides and believe that a compromise can actually b reached if the OP wants to not relax her hair. As has been said there are presses, flat ironing, and even BKT and texlaxing. The last 2 are obviously higher up on the compromise scale.
> 
> ...



I agree with everything you said


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## aribell (Aug 23, 2009)

FluffyRed said:


> *This is less about his "preference" and more about the demand, imo.*
> 
> Does a _married _black woman have no control over even her own appearance? *What can she control*?


 
Yeah...then the issue really isn't about hairstyles.

I hope you all can work it out.


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## Bluetopia (Aug 23, 2009)

can i just point out that the opinions on this topic vary amongst the married women too??? and that there isnt a universal married woman's opinion. 

the insinuation that some of the differences in opinions are linked to whether a woman is married or single doesn't feel right to me 

just because someone isnt married doesnt take away their ability to empathize and have a valid opinion. and i think *all* the posters on this thread have shown that they are being thoughtful and honest (very honest) about their views.

and who is to say a single woman doesnt still have the benefit of being in successful, healthy long term relationship that she can speak from? 

the generalization is just a faulty one IMO 

to pull the single card on one person but then totally be open to the very same opinion being said by another poster just because she *is *married is off putting and subtley divisive. 

i havent even stated how i stand on this issue (and probably wont)

but can we agree that EVERYONE's feelings are equally valid....

its a personal peeve of mine when folks marginalize others experiences.

even if that wasnt the intention (and i sincerely suspect it wasnt) thats still how it came off to me and im sure some others who rather not speak up.

as you were.......


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## Crackers Phinn (Aug 23, 2009)

Neith said:


> That's just how you chose to look at it, Crackersphinn.



I find this condescending.  

Because you're assuming that I didn't read the entire thing before responding which leads me to your question.



Neith said:


> Does it still seem like the inverse with the quotes I picked out?



I was really trying to avoid addressing that part of her rant because it drives home the point that partnership is not the right word to describe how they relate to each other.


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## andromeda (Aug 23, 2009)

This has already been said but I think introspection, discussion and compromise are key in this situation. 

Introspection - do you really want to be natural?  How important is it to you?  Will you be more comfortable as a natural once you reach a certain length and have found a style that is sleek and suits _your_ tastes? 

Discussion - explain your reasons to dh and have him explain his. try to avoid being defensive, be prepared to hear even more of his honesty about what's aesthetically pleasing to him(although it might be displeasing to your ears), approach with an open mind but also come prepared to explain the _versatility_ of natural hair (which dh very well might not understand)

Compromise - I think there's a happy medium here that does not require a relaxer.  As others have mentioned, you have many options with styling, stretching/banding, heat, or even bkt

I'm not married, so feel free to take my opinions with a grain of salt.  I hope it turns out for the best!



jennboo said:


> How many women on this board would CUT OFF their waist length, mid back length, APL, etc hair because their husbands preferred the look of short hair (ear length, pixie, amber baldie)?



 Well, when you put it like that...


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## butterfly_wings (Aug 23, 2009)

How about pressing it every now and again?  I know it's your hair but everyone has their preferences; he obviously wants his wife to look nice in his eyes co wearing it straight sometimes and natural the rest of the time is a good comprise.

I guess it would be like if he was usually clean shaven then all of a sudden started growing a long beard- it’s just not what you/he would be used to.

It’s your hair and do what makes you happy


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## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

This is why I feel so strongly about wearing my natural hair out for the world to see. That  way anyone I'm involved with knows this is me and if they don't like it now they may as well keep it moving because I'm not relaxing or straightening for anyone.


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## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

mj11051 said:


> Yes I would, if asked and gave his reasons I could respect that. When my hubby asked me to do or not to do something I'm very reasonable and I respect his opinion. But being *told* to make an make appointment to get a relaxer says to me that you view me as a child and you don't respect as an adult in this marriage.
> 
> Thank you for the kudos because marriage is a 24/7 job and it's not easy.
> 
> NOW do you forgive me for being RUDE


 
Of course I forgive you. I didn't think much about it because around here, when we are passionate about something- we don't mind vocalizing it!!  Thanks for apologizing nonetheless, I really appreaciate it and your opinion as well. I never thought about it that way until you clarified what you meant. I imagine if my DH had *told *me to go get my hair relaxed instead of being polite about it, I would have been like" - you no longer have the option to discuss this hair on my head!!!"  I've helped him to understand that sometimes HOW you say something is just as important as WHAT you say.


I feel bad for OP. Looking at all the responses, she's probably more confused about the issue than when she started


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## envybeauty (Aug 23, 2009)

I agree that marital status is the least to think about in this thread. There are many married women who never thought about going natural so for them to get yet another relaxer bc it pleases their husband is neither here nor there.

OP, as for his request, I would consider it. Sometimes in relationships, you do what is requested bc the very act (apart from the result) is pleasing to the person.  The very fact that the person did it when you asked is pleasing.  For that reason, I would make an appt at a salon on Friday and get my hair done. It would be a press, flat iron, whatever, but I would go.  I agree with most posts about varying it up before going to a relaxer.   Try to find a stylist to help you with natural hair.  I have seen women with straight hair that looked BETTER than some women with relaxer in terms of shine and straightness.


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## mj11051 (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> Of course I forgive you. I didn't think much about it because around here, when we are passionate about something- we don't mind vocalizing it!!  Thanks for apologizing nonetheless, I really appreaciate it and your opinion as well. I never thought about it that way until you clarified what you meant. I imagine if my DH had *told *me to go get my hair relaxed instead of being polite about it, I would have been like" - you no longer have the option to discuss this hair on my head!!!"  I've helped him to understand that sometimes HOW you say something is just as important as WHAT you say.
> 
> 
> I feel bad for OP. Looking at all the responses, she's probably more confused about the issue than when she started




I feel bad for her also, because it seems the only way to satisfy him is to relax and I would be very sad if my hubby felt that way.


----------



## LushLox (Aug 23, 2009)

I bet the OP wishes she hadn't bothered. What a furore.


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## BroadstreetBully (Aug 23, 2009)

I think a conversation should happen with DH BEFORE the transition. That stops any confusion from the get go. 

The more I think about it, the more I feel like a BKT is the best option for now. You can continue to grow out your natural hair and DH gets to enjoy your straight hair. Once your hair gets longer you can see if he is more open to the long natural hair.


----------



## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

Bluetopia said:


> can i just point out that the opinions on this topic vary amongst the married women too??? and that there isnt a universal married woman's opinion.
> 
> the insinuation that some of the differences in opinions are linked to whether a woman is married or single doesn't feel right to me
> 
> ...


 
duly noted. My apologies if I offended the single ladies.....I loves ya'll too, I really do!


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## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

I guess I think the way I do because for me when I feel strongly about something, I'm not going to give it up just because of someone else's shallow feelings.
If straightening/relaxing/texlaxing my hair would save my mans life lol then I would do it in a heartbeat.

but... to do it just because he doesn't like the style? 

Having natural hair is important to me.  Deeper than just a hairstyle.  Many women regardless of hairtype have a very deep emotional attachment to their hair.

I'm just saying don't give it all up because of someone else's whims.  

*IF* it is important to you, then he needs to understand that.  If he loves you, he will accept it because he cares and understands how deeply you feel about it.

The argument comes because the reasons behind being natural and how attached we are to our hair are SO varied.

Do what feels right for YOU.  Not for him.  because YOU have to live with it on a day to day basis.  I would be miserable if I relaxed again, but maybe you won't be.  It's a personal choice.


----------



## butterfly_wings (Aug 23, 2009)

Ronnieaj said:


> Dlove,
> 
> DO NOT get a relaxer if you will resent him for it. That will only further exacerbate this issue. You need to sit down and have a REAL discussion with him about what you are doing and why, and what alternatives there are that will keep BOTH of you happy. I'm not married, and I don't want to hear from married women about how my perspective's off. I'm a divorce attorney, and I hear this every doggone day, so I think I've got a lot of perspective. If this is that serious, you both need to go to counseling, marital and separate. Otherwise this issue will not resolve itself. Best of luck to you hon.


 

What??!!


----------



## mj11051 (Aug 23, 2009)

Crackers Phinn said:


> I find this condescending.
> 
> Because you're assuming that I didn't read the entire thing before responding which leads me to your question.
> 
> ...




We don't tell each other what we can or can't do. We respect each other as adults, so when I *told* him I going all natural, he said okay. I didn't feel the need to get his permission to change my hair as I don't feel the need to give him my permission to cut his hair or beard.


----------



## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

Neith said:


> *I guess I think the way I do because for me when I feel strongly about something, I'm not going to give it up just because of someone else's shallow feelings.*
> If straightening/relaxing/texlaxing my hair would save my mans life lol then I would do it in a heartbeat.
> 
> but... to do it just because he doesn't like the style?
> ...


 

just curious- is this how it goes in your marriage? Especially in reference to the 2nd bolded. Don't answer if you find the question offensive.


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## kanjail (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> This might be opposing to what everyone else will probably say, but if your dh feels that strongly about it - I think you have an obligation to satisfy him. Wifely duties come before personal wants. Forget about what society says, what anyone says. DH's opinion matters!
> 
> If it's been this long, it isn't going to grow on him. He doesn't like it and will probably never like it.  I could see if you just started the transition, but you've been natural for quite some time now.
> 
> ...



Are you kidding me......since when did the way a that a woman styles her hair fall under wifely duties..........that sounds like slave mentality to me.....
and yes I am happily married, however my husband respects me enough as his wife not to oppose his opinion when it comes to my own personal style.....and if a hair style is going to cause issues between you and your husband there is a much BIGGER picture that needs to be addressed.  period and end of story!


----------



## SweetSpirit86 (Aug 23, 2009)

I think this is one of those threads you don't want to reply to because of potential drama... That being said, OP, I'm very sorry that you're having to go through this. And something I think a lot of responders, even though I'm sure it was with good intent, are missing...is the fact that what he said wasn't a request, or a simple expression of opinion...but a -demand.- I don't feel that someone has to be married to recognize that there are better ways to go about this situation.

I feel you should definitely reassess what you want, and what your DH wants, and go from there. There are two sides to every story, and there may be more there than we know simply because we're not directly involved. Talk it out with him, try to compromise, and go from there. There were a lot of good suggestions on that in this thread. Best of luck to you, lady. <3


----------



## butterfly_wings (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> just curious- is this how it goes in your marriage? Especially in reference to the 2nd bolded. Don't answer if you find the question offensive.


 

I don't agree with that post either but anyway!!

What if the man put on 150 pounds but didn't care as that was what he liked and it was his body.  You still want your partner to be attracted to you don’t you? I think you have to take your partners feeling into account, it's not about losing face, yourself or control it's about compromise


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## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

kanjail said:


> Are you kidding me......since when did the way a that a woman styles her hair fall under wifely duties..........that sounds like slave mentality to me.....
> and yes I am happily married, however my husband respects me enough as his wife not to oppose his opinion when it comes to my own personal style.....and if a hair style is going to cause issues between you and your husband there is a much BIGGER picture that needs to be addressed. period and end of story!


 
We're all entitled to our opinions. For the record: a hairstyle has never caused issues between me and mine, but I do take his opinion into consideration on even the simplest things like hairstyle. If he doesn't like a certain hairstyle, I don't wear it.* Not because I have to, because I choose to.*  Before we got married, I wore whatever I wanted to. When we got married, because I respect my husband's desires- I chose not to rock the mini-skirts anymore (at least not in public  ). He does the same things in regards to me--  That works for me and my dh.  But to each his own and  Much respect for what works for you and yours.


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## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

butterfly_wings said:


> I don't agree with that post *either but anyway!!*
> 
> What if the man put on 150 pounds but didn't care as that was what he liked and it was his body. You still want your partner to be attracted to you don’t you? I think you have to take your partners feeling into account, it's not about losing face, yourself or control it's about compromise


 
 That had me laughing. And, Im ITA with everything you said.


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## jennboo (Aug 23, 2009)

LMAO @ no one answering/addressing  my question, lol!


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## honeybuni84 (Aug 23, 2009)

it is this serious.. My hair or my man?!?!?!?!


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## butterfly_wings (Aug 23, 2009)

It may seem easy to judge by reading OP’s post but we as members weren’t there and things often get misunderstood when written down.  It may have sounded like a demand when written down but that might not have been how it sounded in the conversation and he might not have meant it like that.


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## Whimsy (Aug 23, 2009)

Hubby needs a smack.  What do you think you are going to do?
No I haven't been in your shoes but I'm sure many women are.  Tough spot.


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## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> just curious- is this how it goes in your marriage? Especially in reference to the 2nd bolded. Don't answer if you find the question offensive.



We're not married, but we have lived together for over 2 years.  

When it comes to my hair... yes! 

I will do what is going to keep me healthy/happy even if he doesn't approve 100%.  For example, he had a fit of sorts about my BC.    but you know what?  I was not for one second scared that he would stray because of it.  *Hair can't come between us.  *Not in any real way, it's superficial. 

*Of course*, all situations aren't handled in in same way.  *This is just talking about hair.*

He has personal things (including his appearance) that I have no "real" say in either.  

I can think of MANY different things that I seriously consider HIS feelings about and we do A LOT of compromising and discussions.  You have to in such a relationship!  We respect each other as individuals and equals.  I love him to death.


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## La Colocha (Aug 23, 2009)

Op im sorry your going through this. And i apologize i have nothing else to offer. (((hugs)).


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## Bluetopia (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> duly noted. My apologies if I offended the single ladies.....I loves ya'll too, I really do!


 no worries hun!

i could tell you didn't mean any offense. it's just that soon thereafter the "don't listen to anyone who dont have a man" stuff started and thats rang unfair to me.

no one group of people has the manopoly on good judgement. 

The BIGGEST irony of this discussion is that disaggreements and semantics aside.....the general board is actually in a consensus (did anyone else peep that ) 

while folks are debating granular points..... the board as a whole seems to say that 

1. a happy home is important

2. OP should have a open conversation with dh that involves finding a solution that works for them both

3. approach is key and he should check himself before *demanding *anything of a grown woman (whether she be his wife or not) 

4. before she even worries about him *OP* needs to assess how *she* even feels about her own hair because she doesnt even seem sold on it herself.

5. and if she does want to be natural her lack of swag, shrinkage, and choice of styles may be the culprit of her man's dismay moreso than the fact that she doesnt have a relaxer (and lets be real...*to be natural in this society and look good doing it: swag is a must*)

i actually think that is all great advice. which is why i had nothing more to add


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## Southernbella. (Aug 23, 2009)

Tell him you'll get a relaxer only if he gets one too...he can't disagree, because as your dh, he has to satisfy you, right?


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## MizzBrown (Aug 23, 2009)

Trying to figure out what other things folks will do/have done in the name of wifely duties vs. personal wants.

Interesting topic.


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## music-bnatural-smile (Aug 23, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> Tell him you'll get a relaxer only if he gets one too...he can't disagree, because as your dh, he has to satisfy you, right?


----------



## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

butterfly_wings said:


> I don't agree with that post either but anyway!!
> 
> What if the man put on 150 pounds but didn't care as that was what he liked and it was his body.  You still want your partner to be attracted to you don’t you? I think you have to take your partners feeling into account, it's not about losing face, yourself or control it's about compromise



It's not the same though.

I doubt anyone WANTS to gain 150 pounds or keep it on. erplexed  

but some people REALLY want to just simply wear their natural texture.   

Would you become a blonde because your hubby likes blondes?  Or get a bunch of blonde highlights to compromise?

Some people would do it, I'm sure.

Other people would totally be against it for GOOD reason (damage/breakage/etc..)


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## ccd (Aug 23, 2009)

Why not get a texturizer.....or silkener?


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## balancegoals2009 (Aug 23, 2009)

FluffyRed said:


> When I did the big chop in 2005, my mother and sister both were ragging on me about how nappy it was and fast forward 18 months, they were both naptural - and still are. Tastes evolve.
> 
> And some people feel relaxers are extremely unhealthy for the scalp and hair. He's wrong to be making demands like that on you. He has the right to tell you his opinion (when asked) but it stops there. It's your body.


 
I agree with you , and to add a little,  he has to respect your feeling as well , this is your hair you are an adult , and you should voice your concerns. No one should make you do anything that you dont want. Yes you are mairried but you still have you on mind . And you are 40 years old I would not entertain his comment, don't relax. One thing I would do for me ,where wigs or briads I just like to chaged my styles.  Don't stress out over this stand strong and speak you mind in a respectful way to husband.


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## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> Tell him you'll get a relaxer only if he gets one too...he can't disagree, because as your dh, he has to satisfy you, right?



  That would nip it right in the bud.

Now, tell me why does it sound so absurd the other way around?


----------



## butterfly_wings (Aug 23, 2009)

MizzBrown said:


> Trying to figure out what other things folks will do/have done in the name of wifely duties vs. personal wants.
> 
> Interesting topic.


 

 Yeah me too so I just created a thread in the relationships forum


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## Southernbella. (Aug 23, 2009)

FluffyRed said:


> This is less about his "preference" and more about the demand, imo.
> 
> Does a _married _black woman have no control over even her own appearance?  What _can_ she control?





I have so much I want to say right now, but I'll just say this...DLove, if you want to relax, relax. I'm all for satisfying your man and keeping a happy home, but only if it makes YOU happy too. If you want to stay natural, you should absolutely stay natural. I say that as a happily married black woman whose husband was dead set against her going natural. 

I've said many times that he ain't NEVA kicked me out of bed. I mean, is natural hair really enough to make an entire marriage unhappy? Seriously? Like, he'll be unhappy for the next 50 years because your hair isn't straight? Yall will be arguing and fighting and he'll be withholding sex because your hair isn't straight? Give me a break.

This is about you. If you think you will be happier relaxed, relax. If you think you'll be happier natural, stay natural and press sometimes. That's a happy medium, and it may even help you enjoy your hair more because that's one more styling option for you and he can see your hair straight sometimes.

Whatever you decide, we'll support you, but make sure you are doing it on your own terms!


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## butterfly_wings (Aug 23, 2009)

Neith said:


> It's not the same though.
> 
> I doubt anyone WANTS to gain 150 pounds or keep it on. erplexed
> 
> ...


 


No no one wants to gain 150 pounds but some people wouldn’t feel inclined to do work to lose the excess pounds.  Even though it is his/her body as a partnership/unit they should take the other persons feelings/wants/desires into consideration not just their own.

I would wear a blonde wig in the bedroom if that’s what my fiancé liked but I wouldn't do anything permanent, that’s why I suggested the occasional hot comb press or flat iron.


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## tocktick (Aug 23, 2009)

This thread is quite sad. Imo, submitting to your husband is not a bad thing in general but there is a difference between happily submitting and feeling forced due to having demands placed on you. Of course, he should be allowed to express his dislikes and a compromise can be reached if possible. But to continue to _*DEMAND*_  she change (which leaves NO room for compromise) when it's not something she's feeling is unsettling to me. In OP's post he came across as rude and unreasonable (no offence, OP).

I think one should pick their battles. However, that goes *both ways*, imo. For example, if hair isn't a big deal to someone then relaxing may well be something they just give into to keep the peace (since hair texture doesn't matter to them). On the other hand, if a DH knows that his wife really wants to keep her hair natural then I don't understand why he should get a pass for causing tension and drama.


----------



## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

tocktick said:


> This thread is quite sad. Imo, submitting to your husband is not a bad thing in general but there is a difference between happily submitting and feeling forced due to having demands placed on you. Of course, he should be allowed to express his dislikes and a compromise can be reached if possible. But to continue to _*DEMAND*_  she change (which leaves NO room for compromise) when it's not something she's feeling is unsettling to me. In OP's post he came across as rude and unreasonable (no offence, OP).
> 
> I think one should pick their battles. However, that goes *both ways*, imo. For example, if hair isn't a big deal to someone then relaxing may well be something they just give into to keep the peace (since hair texture doesn't matter to them). On the other hand, if a DH knows that his wife really wants to keep her hair natural then I don't understand why he should get a pass for causing tension and drama.



Yep, yep  

ITA


----------



## FindingMe (Aug 23, 2009)

Cream Tee said:


> I bet the OP wishes she hadn't bothered. What a furore.





I agree.  I think she was really just venting and not meaning for everyone to get into a whole heated debate on whether her husband respects her or not.   I haven't seen her post again since her inital posting.    

DLove, girl, I can relate and have been in similiar situations.  Not this exact one, but some similiar ones.  Girl, pray on it, keep your head up, keep talking to DH about it and it will work out.  Keep the lines of communication open and hopefully you both can come to a compromise.  If it's really and truly important to you and you give it up to God, it will work out for the best.  

It sounds like his view is important to him, too, and it's hard to respect (or sometimes even understand) the other's opinion when it's the exact opposite of your own.  Keep talking.  Try to explain to him why it's so important for you and ask him to help you understand why it's so important to him.  Please don't dismiss what he is saying as wrong or disrespectful to you bc they are _his_ feelings and he's entitled to them.  (Regardless of how anyone else feels about them...)  Please remember you posted this issue to a hair board, so I think you are going to find a slightly skewed view of people's opinions.   I think if you both keep talking about this and really try and understand what's really important to each other, you will be able to come up with some sort of middle ground.  I don't think you will (or should) have to be pushed into something you feel so strongly against.  I just really don't think it will come to this.



ETA:  I get you on the youthfulness of the styling thing.  I am 40 and just recently transitioned to natural.  I have been experimenting with twists, puffs and fros, but sometimes feel like I am doing some "young folks styles."   Maybe if you posted some pics of your hair, we could suggest some different styling options that you might feel are more mature and that he would find more attractive?  What about bunning into a small puff and adding a flower or some other small hair accessory?  It sounds like you have enough hair to pull back and you could secure top and sides with pins if needed?  That way, you could gel sides.  If he's more amenable to straighter hair styles, maybe something like this would be more attractive to him?  I dunno, just thinking out loud...


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## Southernbella. (Aug 23, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> How many women on this board would CUT OFF their waist length, mid back length, APL, etc hair because their husbands preferred the look of short hair (ear length, pixie, amber baldie)?



Better yet, how many women would transition if their dh asked them to? If he thought you would look better with natural hair, would yall _stop relaxing _to "keep a happy home"?


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## LynnieB (Aug 23, 2009)

soulie said:


> I am just wondering how many of the hardline 'he can't tell you what to do, do as you please' people in this thread are married.



Met my dh in '84, married in '89 and am still very happily married today.

When we met, I had long hair and I was relaxed.  Now I'm a longhaired natural.  The only time he was tempted to say something about my hair was right after my bc and it was just too short for both of us.  Still he never demanded anything.

Sometimes I straighten it or do a rollerset.  Sometimes it's a treat for him, sometimes a big break and a treat for me.  Still he has never demanded that I straighten it when I don't want.

We compromise on some things, we also agree to disagree on some things but he would NEVER EVER EVER DEMAND that I put a relaxer in my hair (wouldn't even suggest it either).  

NEVER EVER EVER.  



I chose to "Thanks" on the posts that I agreed with in this thread.


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## jennboo (Aug 23, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> *Better yet, how many women would transition if their dh asked them to? If he thought you would look better with natural hair, would yall stop relaxing to "keep a happy home"?*


 
The telling this is, when i asked that question about whether or not folks would cut their waist length hair very short to suit hubbys preferences i got nary a response, lol. 

To the bolded:
You know the responses would be: "I would absolutely LOVE to dear, I am IN LOVE with my natural hair! but its just too unmanageable...


----------



## Ladybelle (Aug 23, 2009)

Bluetopia said:


> no worries hun!
> 
> i could tell you didn't mean any offense. it's just that soon thereafter the "don't listen to anyone who dont have a man" stuff started and thats rang unfair to me.
> 
> ...


 

Yep- that pretty much sums it up. You said everything that everyone else has said. So, now can we leave it at that?   OP can read this one post and get the consensus of the entire thread.


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## sunshinelady (Aug 23, 2009)

Now, I am a slight natural-iste, but if DH cares enough to say something about it, then you may want to take it under consideration.  Marriage is more important.


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## Southernbella. (Aug 23, 2009)

We need to make up our minds around here. Either it's just hair, or it's not. If it was "just hair", it wouldn't have the potential to ruin marriages.


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## AsianAfricanPrincess (Aug 23, 2009)

dlove said:


> I've been natural for 2 years and 3 months.  Though I like being natural, the styles seem to be suited to the younger generation.  You mostly see schooled aged young children , teenagers and 20 something with twists,braids and plaits-not 40 y.o. women.  I thought the "updo" kept it polished looking.
> 
> Been in my shoes?



Dlove, I am happy to see someone else raise the point that you mentioned here.  I've been natural for 23 months, and one of the things that has frustrated me once I began to reach a certain length is that I look like a child (particularly when I wear my hair out).  I already have a somewhat "young" face, but when I wear my natural hair out, I do look like an 18 year old.  As a result (and for other reasons, of course), I've just stuck to braids.  

I have no advice to give in that regard, because I've not yet found a solution nor have I ever seen anyone raise this point.  But I am somewhat relieved to see that I'm not alone in that regard.  I'm of a certain age and I don't necessarily enjoy being mistaken for a teenager (I pray that I won't regret saying that in another 20 years).


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## Southernbella. (Aug 23, 2009)

Fros, twistouts, braidouts, and puffs all look mature to me.


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## jennboo (Aug 23, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> Fros, twistouts, braidouts, and puffs all look mature to me.


 
Me too......


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## JayAnn0513 (Aug 23, 2009)

I don't think anyone without a husband can relate to this situation, nor should they be giving advice. My husband's opinion regarding my hair, clothing, makeup, etc. all matter. If I hated his hair, clothes, etc. I'd expect him to take my opnion under serious consideration and I would do the same.


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## tocktick (Aug 23, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> Fros, twistouts, braidouts, and puffs all look mature to me.



^^ ITA. Imo, there are so many ways to style twistouts, puffs, braidouts etc. For example, at 19 I made my twistouts/puffs/braided styles look young (like my siggy) yet I also know how to make them look sophisticated/mature or even conservative. It's all in how your style it, imo. A curly fro, braidout, puff etc does not scream "young!", imo. 

Renee Davis doesn't look 18 with her natural hair, meanwhile neither does someone like YaYa DeCosta even though she's a younger woman.


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## FindingMe (Aug 23, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> Fros, twistouts, braidouts, and puffs all look mature to me.


 


jennboo said:


> Me too......


 
I think that's the underlying theme of this whole thread.  *It's all subjective*

DH thinks straight hair looks better on his wife
OP thinks some natural styles look less mature on her
Locals think folks who wear natural hair are "unkept, unprofessional and obviously dont have job."

Point for me is everyone has an opinion and it matters bc that's how they feel.  It's up to OP now to make sure DH understands what she is willing to do or not and understand what he really wants and go from there.


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## Ramya (Aug 23, 2009)

I would be a straight natural. Still natural but with styles that your DH likes. I do think his opinion is very important and that your marriage is more important than your hair. But that's just my unmarried opinion.


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## BonBon (Aug 23, 2009)

My SO has changed a few things because of my attraction meter. For example I hate it when white guys get their hair shaved or cut very short and clean, IDK whyerplexed.
 He knows I find the short no frills look less attractive so we make sure he gets a not too short hair cut with some texture which has made a lot of difference to me. 
 Also he used to grow his beard out then clean shave it once a week. I find facial hair on him very attractive, I still like him with it off but he knows he has that extra spark to me with it. We found a trimmer with settings so he doesn't have to clean shave it.

 I also compromise on a few appearance things. I texlaxed recently, partially because I wanted to see some length, partially because I wanted to be able to wear it staight or blown out for him sometimes without it shrinking within 2 seconds. He didn't ask me to change but I know what he likes (length). I'm not even a big fan of straight hair  but I don't hate it as long as its not stick straight.

 I feel some men can come around to natural hair when it starts to gain length so maybe its worth sticking it out. 
 However I would be very careful about continuing with a style change that my husband really doesn't find attractive after he met me looking another way. I like compromise in my relationship and usually you can find something that works for both.


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## soulie (Aug 23, 2009)

JayAnn0513 said:


> I don't think anyone without a husband can relate to this situation, nor should they be giving advice. My husband's opinion regarding my hair, clothing, makeup, etc. all matter. If I hated his hair, clothes, etc. I'd expect him to take my opnion under serious consideration and I would do the same.


 
We have been in that situation; he grew a beard because I wanted it; I don't wear braids because he doesn't like them; and I wouldn't come home with a tattoo because he detests them.  He also wouldn't come home from a frat convention with a brand for the same reason.  There are times when I wear shorts to a community event because I know it will make HIM happy -- not because I feel like it, but because HE thinks I look good in them and likes it.  Like I said above, it's all give and take; and we both do things because it will make the other one happy, e.g., the beard itches but I think it looks sexy -- so he itches The shorts make me feel my butt looks big -- but I wear 'em anyway


----------



## tocktick (Aug 23, 2009)

JayAnn0513 said:


> I don't think anyone without a husband can relate to this situation, nor should they be giving advice. My husband's opinion regarding my hair, clothing, makeup, etc. all matter. If I hated his hair, clothes, etc. I'd expect him to take my opnion under serious consideration and I would do the same.



If we're going that route, one may well argue the dynamics in OPs marriage could be be quite different than your own or someone else's. Thus, I suppose your advice and their advice is no more valid than an unmarried woman's *shrug*. With that said, some single/unmarried women here are basically saying things some married women are saying anyway . 

Imo, it would have been best for OP to keep this situation between her and DH or get advice from close women in her life who have been happily married for a long time instead of a bunch of anonymous Janes (that goes for both married or unmarried ones).


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## Southernbella. (Aug 23, 2009)

FindingMe said:


> I think that's the underlying theme of this whole thread.  *It's all subjective*
> 
> DH thinks straight hair looks better on his wife
> OP thinks some natural styles look less mature on her
> ...



I think everyone acknowledged that.


----------



## Spongie Bloom (Aug 23, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> We need to make up our minds around here. Either it's just hair, or it's not. If it was "just hair", it wouldn't have the potential to ruin marriages.


 
*Lol, I think this was inadvertently answered when people ignored the question about cutting their BSL/MBL hair to satisfy dh's wants *


----------



## shocol (Aug 23, 2009)

Neith said:


> *
> **#1 - How can the GOD GIVEN hair texture that grows out of your scalp "not look good on you?"*



I agree.  I think this is the real question.  Is it really about style or about DH inability to accept your natural hair texture?  Of course his opinion counts, but it seems as if it's gone far beyond just an opinion.


----------



## BroadstreetBully (Aug 23, 2009)

WOW. So let me get this straight. People are saying 'marriage is about compromise' and that compromise is that dh gets his way. Interesting. There is no suggestion that dh should also compromise by opening his mind up a little to the idea of natural hair. I know many men out there who probably wouldn't be too happy about their wives going natural, BUT seeing how happy the decision makes their wife is enough for them to back off a little. For every husband out there who will kick and scream about his wife's 'unpolished, natural afro-textured hair' there are many others who will make the effort to understand their wife's decision and come to a happy medium. 

Compromise is when you are crazy about your hubby's long hair, but he is ready to cut it, so you two decide on a length that will please the both of you. It is not about him having to keep it long, even though he isn't happy with his appearance with it long anymore--OR him cutting it all off with no regard for how you feel about it. I agree that the wife should take her husband's wishes to heart, but the husband should want his wife to feel beautiful and some women feel more beautiful with texture in their hair.


----------



## Chaosbutterfly (Aug 23, 2009)

I guess I should say firstly that I'm not married.

But my parents went through this same thing, and I saw firsthand what happened, so I think I'm slightly qualified to talk.
When my mother married my father, she had gorgeous BSL (stretched) natural hair, but he was always nagging her to relax it, just because he didn't like natural hair. Her hair was really beautiful too. He loved my mom, just not her hair.
So she finally broke down and relaxed it, so he would be happy. And he was happy. But she wasn't and she still isn't really happy.
To this day, she still has BSL healthy and thick hair and she's okay with it, but she has said that a part of her still resents him for essentially forcing her to relax. 

I don't think that OP will have an unhappy marriage if she chooses to stay natural, but I don't think that her marriage will be all butterflies if she relaxes. Whether she stays natural or not, I think there will still be some resentment there. Her husband might resent her because he might think that she doesn't value his opinion. And she might resent him, because she might feel as if she was forced into relaxing. Ultimately, if this issue causes bumps in the marriage, it won't be because of a simple hair styling choice, it will be because of the resentment that could appear and fester once a decision has been made.

I think that OP should sit her husband down and have a long talk with him about this whole thing. Try to figure out why he feels that way about natural hair, because as we see here everyday, even short natural hair is beautiful and polished when maintained well. Tell him why you decided to go natural and why you would prefer to stay natural, and if he really loves you, he will hear you out. But most importantly, be really honest with him and try to listen to him when he is being honest with you. I know that it must hurt that he doesn't like your hair, but for the time being, try to put aside your pain and just hear him out. The fact that he came to you and was honest (even though I don't really approve of how he did it) shows that he cares. I really think you guys can reach a compromise about this, because natural hair can be made to look many ways, even just like relaxed hair. 

I think if my mom had done that stuff, maybe she wouldn't feel so resentful towards my dad, but they're kind of old school, so what he says, goes. People say that it's only hair, but really....sometimes, hair is tied really strongly to one's sense of self, so it can be tough when someone pressures you to change it. I'm not telling you to cave, and I'm not telling you to *** what he thinks, but I am saying that you guys should talk about it with one another openly and honestly. While you've gotten everyone's opinion here, at the end of the day, you're the one who has to live in the marriage. Not us. 

I wish you the best of luck with this matter, OP. I know it can't be easy.


----------



## AsianAfricanPrincess (Aug 23, 2009)

tocktick said:


> It's all in how your style it, imo. A curly fro, braidout, puff etc does not scream "young!", imo.
> 
> Renee Davis doesn't look 18 with her natural hair, meanwhile neither does someone like YaYa DeCosta even though she's a younger woman.



Yaya's hair (I have no idea if she does braid/twist outs or not) is in an updo, so I don't quite consider this the same thing.  Her updo looks mature and elegant. 

At my place of work (a very blue-blood, Kennedys sort of environment), the farther my hair is from my scalp, the more likely I am to be called out on it for not looking "credible".  This has been the same for women in our company who are straight/curly/or coily (regardless of the color).  My boss wears a curly fro but it's very short (maybe 1 to 1.5 inches) and close to her scalp.  She looks mature and "credible".  

To be fair, the same rule has been applied to men in our company, regardless of their skintype or racial makeup (I have seen first hand when Caucasian employees were "called into the office" and told to "do something" with their hair or cut it.  

I wear my hair in braids, but I wear buns, etc. that give a more mature look.  A high ponytail, whether you're straight, curly, or coily would be considered too youthful where I work.  This also applies to a "puff" which is a take on the high ponytail.  

There is no denying that our perception of what is mature, youthful or credible is very dependent on the style.  

If I walked in to work with Victoria's Secret hair, they would definitely pull me to the side and tell me to "do something with it".  By that same token, if I were to walk into work with my coilies "out" (which is the same as "vicky's secret hair...just coily), they would equally call me to the said and tell me to do something with it/style it in a way that makes me look mature and credible.  

I think this is something that is not discussed enough.


----------



## Bluetopia (Aug 23, 2009)

JayAnn0513 said:


> I don't think anyone without a husband can relate to this situation, nor should they be giving advice. My husband's opinion regarding my hair, clothing, makeup, etc. all matter. If I hated his hair, clothes, etc. I'd expect him to take my opnion under serious consideration and I would do the same.


 
i adamentaly disagree with this sentiment and wonder if you read every single post on this thread before saying it.

who are YOU to say what someone can relate to?

who are YOU to assume what experiences in maintaining a healthy, long term, give-and-take relationship the women on this board have whether they be married or not?

and to make your statement even more ill conceived the hilarious thing is....MANY of the women who are disagreeing with each other are married women debating with other married women. so its not even like you are illuminating any valid source behind people's difference of opinions.

the most functional couple i know has been together for over a decade and *isnt *married but does wonderfully at making sure each others needs are met. id love to hear her take on this issue

but according to you...her opinion wouldnt count because being married is the be-all and end-all for knowing anything about positive interpersonal relationships

right? 

how incredibly unfair and close minded of you. 

i pray that anyone on this board who ever seeks to give you their sincere opinion meets your standards of worthiness before having the misfortune of being dismissed so unjustly.


----------



## Junebug D (Aug 23, 2009)

Bluetopia said:


> The BIGGEST irony of this discussion is that disaggreements and semantics aside....*.the general board is actually in a consensus* (did anyone else peep that )
> 
> while folks are debating granular points..... the board as a whole seems to say that
> 
> ...



Thank you!  

I don't think anyone outright said "He told you to relax, you'd better go do it right now less your marriage if OVAH!!!!" 

And OP never even said that she was so in love with her natural hair that she would never ever ever 1) relax or 2) straighten.  So I don't even know where that came from.  Especially since her post sounded like she was not thrilled with her styling options as a natural herself.  That was just the opinion of other posters.


----------



## hopeful (Aug 23, 2009)

((((hugs)))) to the OP.  For years my husband kinda winced whenever I mentioned going natural.  Finally one day I had no choice as the relaxer had practically set my nape on fire and I had to go to the doctor for my inflamed, itchy, sore scalp.  One night I told him I think I need to go natural and cut it all off.  He said you gotta do what you gotta do.  I don't think he liked it initially but he still loved me and was attracted to me.

Anyway, when I went back to relaxing last summer he was disappointed, he said he was surprised himself at how much he had grown to love my natural hair.  Men are funny about hair and I want to please my husband, but I tell you I fell a little more deeply in love with him when I realized how much he loved "me", natural, relaxed, transitioning, whatever style he really loves "me" the real me.  To me that is what true love is.

I'll be back to natural soon and it feels so good to know that no matter what he will have my back.


----------



## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 23, 2009)

hopeful said:


> ((((hugs)))) to the OP.  For years my husband kinda winced whenever I mentioned going natural.  Finally one day I had no choice as the relaxer had practically set my nape on fire and I had to go to the doctor for my inflamed, itchy, sore scalp.  One night I told him I think I need to go natural and cut it all off.  He said you gotta do what you gotta do.  I don't think he liked it initially but he still loved me and was attracted to me.
> 
> Anyway, when I went back to relaxing last summer he was disappointed, he said he was surprised himself at how much he had grown to love my natural hair.  Men are funny about hair and I want to please my husband, but I tell you I fell a little more deeply in love with him when I realized how much he loved "me", natural, relaxed, transitioning, whatever style he really loves "me" the real me.  To me that is what true love is.
> 
> I'll be back to natural soon and it feels so good to know that no matter what he will have my back.



And THIS is how a husband should be.


----------



## AsianAfricanPrincess (Aug 23, 2009)

shocol said:


> I agree.  I think this is the real question.  Is it really about style or about DH inability to accept your natural hair texture?




I have a question about something I've noticed overwhelmingly among Black naturals.  Why is it that when "other women" feel that they look better with curly hair (if their hair is naturally straight) or even straight hair (if their hair is naturally wavy/curly, etc., they are not questioned for that or told that they somehow have a problem with identity/self-acceptance?

Women of all kinds like something on their body better in one way or another.  Women and men of all kinds have things about their bodies that they like the way it is or different from the way it is...EVERYONE has things about themselves that they'd like to change - whether it's permanent or temporary.  EVERYONE enjoys the ability to style themselves if they prefer something different.

My "God-given" hair isn't twist-out texture nor is it "picked out" texture...it isn't all laid down and groomed...it's a big, coily fro that swells and grows tremendously and would happily lock if I let it.  However, I prefer for my hair to be styled a bit, so I use shea butters, KCCC, brushes, combs, headbands, and all sorts of concoctions.  However, that is not my "God-given hair".  I style it because I prefer that it looks the way it does when it's styled.  Preferring that your hair be relaxed, braided, twisted, locked whatever, is no different. None of those are our "God-given hair", but rather things we do with our own hair to manipulate and style it in a certain way that we prefer.  

It doesn't matter if something is God-given or not...we all have preferences for ourselves and certain ways we LIKE to be styled or groomed.  My hair is no different from that and doesn't warrant psycho-analysis.  (Not saying you're doing this...I'm just saying that this is what tends to happen among natural forums that I've been to.)

My pride in myself as a woman of African descent has very little to do with my hair and how I style it...and more to do with my contributions to my (many) people in empowering them.

I'm sorry if I sound as if I'm going off subject here.     However, I do think that we tend to be very intolerant among each other, imply things, and make assumptions about each others' motives or sense of pride and identity when it's not warranted.  

I as a woman of African descent have every right to prefer my hair in one way or another...just as much as any "other woman" is granted that right and flexibility.


----------



## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 23, 2009)

Bluetopia said:


> i adamentaly disagree with this sentiment and wonder if you read every single post on this thread before saying it.
> 
> who are YOU to say what someone can relate to?
> 
> ...



I can't believe I stood up, clapped AND cheered at this post! You said everything I was thinking!


----------



## AsianAfricanPrincess (Aug 23, 2009)

hopeful said:


> Anyway, when I went back to relaxing last summer he was disappointed, he said he was surprised himself at how much he had grown to love my natural hair.  Men are funny about hair and I want to please my husband, but I tell you I fell a little more deeply in love with him when I realized how much he loved "me", natural, relaxed, transitioning, whatever style he really loves "me" the real me.  To me that is what true love is.



This is very beautiful...it's a great feeling to be loved and appreciated for your essence.


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## Duff (Aug 23, 2009)

WOW!!!  this thread....no wonder dlove has not been back in it


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## BonBon (Aug 23, 2009)

Her husband doesn't love her now apparently because he likes a certain hairstyle


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## MizzBrown (Aug 23, 2009)

Bluetopia said:


> i adamentaly disagree with this sentiment and wonder if you read every single post on this thread before saying it.
> 
> who are YOU to say what someone can relate to?
> 
> ...


 
Quoted again for more emphasis..


----------



## vainღ♥♡jane (Aug 23, 2009)

Neith said:


> Wearing healthy natural hair isn't like becoming lazy with your hygeine.



*i had to comment on this. you are absolutely right. folks tend to overlook the fact that the majority of people in this world rock their natural texture.  it only becomes a problem (dirty, ugly, lazy, unkempt) when a black female with tightly coiled texture starts to wear hers. thats a damn shame.  *​


----------



## Crackers Phinn (Aug 23, 2009)

MizzBrown said:


> Trying to figure out what other things folks will do/have done in the name of wifely duties vs. personal wants.
> 
> Interesting topic.



The relationship forum is full of them. 



Bluetopia said:


> The BIGGEST irony of this discussion is that disaggreements and semantics aside.....the general board is actually in a consensus (did anyone else peep that )



Girl, you know how we do.  If something can be argued within an inch of it's life, it's going to be.


----------



## tocktick (Aug 23, 2009)

AsianAfricanPrincess said:


> *Yaya's hair (I have no idea if she does braid/twist outs or not) is in an updo, so I don't quite consider this the same thing. * Her updo looks mature and elegant.
> 
> At my place of work (a very blue-blood, Kennedys sort of environment), the farther my hair is from my scalp, the more likely I am to be called out on it for not looking "credible".  This has been the same for women in our company who are straight/curly/or coily (regardless of the color).  My boss wears a curly fro but it's very short (maybe 1 to 1.5 inches) and close to her scalp.  She looks mature and "credible".
> 
> ...



What do you mean by the bold...not quite the same thing as what? Please clarify as I'm genuinely confused on that part of your post.

I do believe long and healthy straight hair (that isn't tied back) will be viewed as more professional (or groomed) etc than afro hair with the same attributes in most minds. Yet it is really only in the working world where one may have to pander to those values. One can choose not to carry that faulty corporate work mentality into their own lives outside the workplace. 

Yes, I agree with the red. I believe I said as much in my first post. What I disagreed with was the insinuation that puffs, twistouts etc were innately childish hair styles. Imo, there are many styling options for the aforementioned, so I didn't see how they could be automatically labelled as childish or young. You can go from having a "wild" TO to pinning them up and looking elegant like YaYa. The options are there if one chooses to explore them, imo. I also believe no matter your hair texture, the rest of the package (make-up, jewllery, clothing etc) has a bigger impact on the image you project. If Yaya had been dressed down, her hair would probably not be enough to make her look elegant.


----------



## sheba1 (Aug 23, 2009)

What about other protective styles that allow you to remain natural?  braided updos, micros, wigs, etc?  I was natural for many years before anyone saw my natural hair.  No particular reason, I just didn't know a lot about styling my own hair and kept it mostly hidden.  The length was so unimportant to me that I eventually BC'd it because micros cost me so much extra because of all the length.  Man, I wish I had found lhcf before I did that!  oh well.... we live and learn.  Just see if there's something else you can do as it gets long long long.  His tune my change once it's longer.  Besides all that PS will allow you to grow and care for your natural tresses without having to deal too much with the dreaded single stranded knot.

Good luck to you, OP.


----------



## Ramya (Aug 23, 2009)

vainღ♥♡jane said:


> *i had to comment on this. you are absolutely right. folks tend to overlook the fact that the majority of people in this world rock their natural texture.  it only becomes a problem (dirty, ugly, lazy, unkempt) when a black female with tightly coiled texture starts to wear hers. thats a damn shame.  *​



I think there's more to it than this. What I've noticed about some of the other naturals (in real life) is that they don't take the time or effort to get their hair shaped to fit their heads/faces and don't take time to find styles that compliment their features. All styles don't look good on me and the way my hair grows (unevenly) is also not flattering so I went and got a haircut that was flattering to my texture and features. My hair falls 'better' now. Being natural does not have to mean losing all interest in style and leaving the hair to do whatever it wants to do. Most ladies didn't do that when relaxed so why do they do it when natural? It makes no sense to me but yes natural hair can look raggedy and/or unpolished just like relaxed hair can.


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## skegeesmb (Aug 23, 2009)

It seems like you both don't like many of the options for natural hair.  You say the styles are for young people, and he just doesn't seem to like it at all.  If I were you I'd stay natural.  Get a hard press.  That way you are not using chemicals and are still natural, and you won't have to hear your husband complaining all the time.

I'm sorry that you are going through this though.  I am glad that my husband was accepting of my natural hair.  I would not be happy if he were harping on me all the time about my hair.


----------



## Mortons (Aug 23, 2009)

AsianAfricanPrincess said:


> I have a question about something I've noticed overwhelmingly among Black naturals.  Why is it that when "other women" feel that they look better with curly hair (if their hair is naturally straight) or even straight hair (if their hair is naturally wavy/curly, etc., they are not questioned for that or told that they somehow have a problem with identity/self-acceptance?



Because they are not doing it in record numbers like we are. It takes a certain kind of mindset to make a majority of women of a certain race to feel like their natural hair is inadequate. I know someone will get mad at that statement but I think its completely true.


----------



## MissK7 (Aug 23, 2009)

it is easy to let others opinion matters but keep focused on what you want and imagine that he aleady loves it. this is LOA (i'm not sure whether or not you believe it) but point is stay happy about your decisions and dont let him distract you. 

My hubby has gone from hell no you aint cutting your (long relaxed) hair!! me ignorin him........
i hate natural hair.....me being happy ignorin him
well i dont mind natural as long as its long.......me ignorin and being happy
hell no i hate braids.......me ignorin him lol
wow those braids are pretty nice.....me ignorin lol...........
i told him i cut my hair under the braids...him ok baby...
took out the braids....i'm gon cut my hair down further.... ok baby whatever you do i support you...

and hes still all over me like nothin has changed..there is something powerful in staying happy and focused...you can honor your hubby without him throwing you out your happy place

in all you do as long as you stay happy and focused on what you want everything else in your life will fall in line keep your head up


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## dlove (Aug 23, 2009)

Neith said:


> Oooooooh no
> 
> It would BE ON if this was my man.
> 
> ...


 
The two pionts mentioned above is the plight I've been fighting for for 2 years.  I believe some people are brainwashed into believing that 4a/b natural hair is not to be embraced.  DH still does not get it.  My texture is the same as his and he doesn't relax, so why should I?


----------



## BonBon (Aug 23, 2009)

Mortons said:


> *Because they are not doing it in record numbers like we are.*




 I feel WW and AW straighten their hair everyday in record numbers. The sale of flat irons is through the roof and its not just us buying them. They often have to get up early to do it as they wont go to work as they naturally are.

 I hear "others" talking about their natural waves/curls with a look of disgust and talk of hating it quite regularly and they declare they can't live without their straightnerserplexed. Ive seen it and been there watching them blitz any bump/wave visible everyday, and this is some of the "other" men too.

 I can't pinpoint when this started but a lot of people have an unhealthy obsession with getting their hair straight apart from us.

 I also see WM responding to this, declaring that there are no hot white females with curly hair.

ETA: Whens the last time you saw Julia Roberts or Nicole Kidman with their natural curls?


----------



## shocol (Aug 23, 2009)

AsianAfricanPrincess said:


> _*I have a question about something I've noticed overwhelmingly among Black naturals.  Why is it that when "other women" feel that they look better with curly hair (if their hair is naturally straight) or even straight hair (if their hair is naturally wavy/curly, etc., they are not questioned for that or told that they somehow have a problem with identity/self-acceptance?*_
> 
> Women of all kinds like something on their body better in one way or another.  Women and men of all kinds have things about their bodies that they like the way it is or different from the way it is...EVERYONE has things about themselves that they'd like to change - whether it's permanent or temporary.  EVERYONE enjoys the ability to style themselves if they prefer something different.
> 
> ...



I think it's a perfectly valid question.  OP spoke herself about the trouble she's having with people accepting her natural hair.  Why should DH be exempt from that? Let's be honest, he didn't just ask her to straighten her hair.  Asking/demanding that she get a relaxer, he's saying that he wants her to permanently alter her hair texture.

As for "other" women when the majority, to the tune of 75%-80%, start chemically altering their hair for 20-30 years at a time, maybe I'll wonder why they do what they do.

In any case, I wasn't trying to be intolerant, or making assumptions.  I wondered if it was style or hair texture because as a black woman, the whole straight hair is better, is something I just can't co-sign, not even to keep the peace in my marriage.  Nor would I co-sign someone who tried to demand that I wear my hair in it's natural texture or natural styles 24/7.  I just don't believe in that.  There seem to be far too many people who overstep their boundaries when it comes to black women's hair.


----------



## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

dlove said:


> The two pionts mentioned above is the plight I've been fighting for for 2 years.  I believe some people are brainwashed into believing that 4a/b natural hair is not to be embraced.  DH still does not get it.  *My texture is the same as his and he doesn't relax, so why should I?*




Exactly.

And if he really wants a straight style, straighten it. But relaxing is permanent. Does he understand that?


----------



## dlove (Aug 23, 2009)

sheba1 said:


> What about other protective styles that allow you to remain natural? braided updos, micros, wigs, etc? I was natural for many years before anyone saw my natural hair. No particular reason, I just didn't know a lot about styling my own hair and kept it mostly hidden. The length was so unimportant to me that I eventually BC'd it because micros cost me so much extra because of all the length. Man, I wish I had found lhcf before I did that!  oh well.... we live and learn. Just see if there's something else you can do as it gets long long long. His tune my change once it's longer. Besides all that PS will allow you to grow and care for your natural tresses without having to deal too much with the dreaded single stranded knot.
> 
> Good luck to you, OP.


 
See, I dont want to wear weaves or wigs.  I  agree that the longer it gets, the better it my styles will look.


----------



## shocol (Aug 23, 2009)

Mortons said:


> *Because they are not doing it in record numbers like we are.* It takes a certain kind of mindset to make a majority of women of a certain race to feel like their natural hair is inadequate. I know someone will get mad at that statement but I think its completely true.


----------



## Ms_Twana (Aug 23, 2009)

dlove said:


> Hair type: 4a/b thick. Shrinks into a 2 inch fro.
> 
> DH told me that the natural look on me has to go. I just two strand twisted my hair and made an updo in the back and sides with it. He told me that I looked better with straight hair and none, NONE of the natural styles I do or pay someone to do looks good on me. I have worn wng puffs, loose two strand twists, two strand twists with flat twists in the front and an afro.
> 
> ...


 
Yes hun. Been there, done that...for 2 1/2 years. My husband hated my hair natural, and had no problems telling me. He thinks it looks "untamed."  I love my husband to death, but he had to deal with my natural hair until *I *decided to relax again. I did try to straighten my hair every couple of months or so (mostly because I wanted to though ) to make him feel better about it. And he was fine when my hair was pulled back into a ponytail or small puff. He hated anything else. 

My advice to you is to remember WHY you decided to go natural. Remember what your goals are. He'll come around. If he doesn't...oh well. I'm sure there are things about him that you don't care for, and you moved on. He'll be alright. Do what's best for YOU and YOUR hair. Everything else will fall into place.


----------



## honeybuni84 (Aug 23, 2009)

MizzBrown said:


> Trying to figure out what other things folks will do/have done in the name of wifely duties vs. personal wants.
> 
> Interesting topic.




 I am too, I believe a wife should submit to her DH. But this is taking it too far. Its one thing to give suggestions, but its quite another for him to say, "You need to make a hair appointment on friday to get that relaxer" I realize that I am not married, but I have seen successful relationships and I have never seen them break up over something so petty... 

 OP did you discuss with your DH yet


----------



## Mortons (Aug 23, 2009)

Tickledpinkies said:


> I feel WW and AW straighten their hair everyday in record numbers. The sale of flat irons is through the roof and its not just us buying them. They often have to get up early to do it as they wont go to work as they naturally are.
> 
> I hear "others" talking about their natural waves/curls with a look of disgust and talk of hating it quite regularly and they declare they can't live without their straightnerserplexed. Ive seen it and been there watching them blitz any bump/wave visible everyday, and this is some of the "other" men too.
> 
> ...




A white woman with straight hair is not so much a stretch in her *racial phenotype* as a Black woman with straight hair.


----------



## dlove (Aug 23, 2009)

caribgirl said:


> Stop speculating, sis .


 
Yeah, because he made a request, not a demand.  We had a candid conversation about my hair.  Nothing more.  I think if there some serious issues he would have left 2 years ago when I shocked the mess out of him coming home to a .10 inch twa.


----------



## dlove (Aug 23, 2009)

honeybuni84 said:


> I am too, I believe a wife should submit to her DH. But this is taking it too far. Its one thing to give suggestions, but its quite another for him to say, "You need to make a hair appointment on friday to get that relaxer" I realize that I am not married, but I have seen successful relationships and I have never seen them break up over something so petty...
> 
> *OP did you discuss with your DH yet*




Not yet, we will later tonight.  Get back with you all tomorrow... Got to gather my thoughts.


----------



## isabella09 (Aug 23, 2009)

I agree that your husband’s opinion matters but so does yours, equally so. Ultimately, you will have to weigh up the pro’s/con’s and in so doing, should you wish to stay natural perhaps finding a compromise in your situation may be the most stress free option. Maybe try some alternative natural styles to the one’s you have been doing, perhaps you could choose them with your husband. Additionally, maybe show him some Fotki’s of your ultimate goal in order for him to visualise your efforts and the bigger picture (see how he responds). I wish you both luck in your decision/mental transition…Have fun with and enjoy your hair!


----------



## Mrs.Fitness (Aug 23, 2009)

In my opinion this is no different than the petpeeve men have about weight gain during marriage. My question is "did he marry you natural?" From your post it doesnt sound like it. He may have been attracted to your straight hair. I am not saying whether this is right or wrong but it is a fact. 

In my opinion this is something that has to be compromised. I would hate being married to a man that isnt attracted to me. No matter what the issue is. The determination to be natural is not more important than my marriage.


----------



## dlove (Aug 23, 2009)

Tickledpinkies said:


> Her husband doesn't love her now apparently because he likes a certain hairstyle


 

I bind that in the name of Jesus.  He loves me, just likes straight hair.


----------



## Mortons (Aug 23, 2009)

Mrs.Fitness said:


> In my opinion this is no different than the petpeeve men have about weight gain during marriage. My question is "did he marry you natural?" From your post it doesnt sound like it. He may have been attracted to your straight hair. I am not saying whether this is right or wrong but it is a fact.
> 
> In my opinion this is something that has to be compromised. I would hate being married to a man that isnt attracted to me. No matter what the issue is. The determination to be natural is not more important than my marriage.



If the happiness of a marriage is on the line due to a change in hairstyle that says a lot about commitment and love to me


----------



## MizzBrown (Aug 23, 2009)

Tickledpinkies said:


> I feel WW and AW straighten their hair everyday in record numbers. The sale of flat irons is through the roof and its not just us buying them. They often have to get up early to do it as they wont go to work as they naturally are.
> 
> I hear "others" talking about their natural waves/curls with a look of disgust and talk of hating it quite regularly and they declare they can't live without their straightnerserplexed. Ive seen it and been there watching them blitz any bump/wave visible everyday, and this is some of the "other" men too.
> 
> ...


 
 We AINT WHITE! Why folks keep bringing up white folks hair like we can relate?

Becky cannot relate with me and my hair even though she has a Jose Eber flat iron and I have a Gold n Hot flat iron. Still aint the same.

I wish Becky would approach me with some mess about how she feels about her curly hair and how we share the same struggle.

I know you mean well but it is NOT the same thing. We can't walk into a room full of women and suddenly feel more confident cause we see 10 Becky's sportin' their natural curls. We aint checkin' for them.

We trying to see how many "Keisha's" with the 4z hair are sportin a fro or not. THAT is someone I can relate to. Not Julia Roberts.


----------



## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

dlove said:


> Yeah, because he made a request, not a demand.  We had a candid conversation about my hair.  Nothing more.  I think if there some serious issues he would have left 2 years ago when I shocked the mess out of him coming home to a .10 inch twa.




As I said earlier, I wasn't speculating about your marriage or what goes on in it. I was really making a general comment.


----------



## Kurlee (Aug 23, 2009)

Mortons said:


> Because they are not doing it in record numbers like we are. It takes a certain kind of mindset to make a majority of women of a certain race to feel like their natural hair is inadequate. I know someone will get mad at that statement but I think its completely true.


the legacy of colonialism is what differentiates us from "them".  They simply do not have the same stigma we have when it comes to hair. We cannot compare our issues to other communities because the reasons why the issues exist and their implications are different.


----------



## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

Tickledpinkies said:


> My SO has changed a few things because of my attraction meter. For example I hate it when white guys get their hair shaved or cut very short and clean, IDK whyerplexed.
> He knows I find the short no frills look less attractive so we make sure he gets a not too short hair cut with some texture which has made a lot of difference to me.
> Also he used to grow his beard out then clean shave it once a week. I find facial hair on him very attractive, I still like him with it off but he knows he has that extra spark to me with it. We found a trimmer with settings so he doesn't have to clean shave it.
> 
> ...



That's all great 

However, neither of you changed anything that you were in a strict objection to.

I have done things and hairstyles because my man likes it too... but SOME things I'm not open to changing at all.

For example... say your man liked the clean head look on black women.  Doesn't mean you have to go shave your head.

The things that people aren't willing to change are an individual choice.  For me, hair is one of them.  It's not the same for others.  

Depending on how you feel, you decide whether to compromise.  It's a decision that only the OP can make either way.  It's her hair and her body.


----------



## hopeful (Aug 23, 2009)

dlove said:


> I bind that in the name of Jesus. *He loves me*, just likes straight hair.


 
I am sure he loves you very much, when you talk to him keep this in mind.  I find that when I "discuss" important matters with my husband and keep that (how much we love each other) in mind things go much better.  This is just a little stumbling block that the two of you will work through, no doubt.


----------



## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 23, 2009)

dlove said:


> I bind that in the name of Jesus.  He loves me, just likes straight hair.



She was being sarcastic. But seeing as this is a sensitive subject for you, I will come in agreement with you in binding those words, joking or not.


----------



## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

MizzBrown said:


> We AINT WHITE! Why folks keep bringing up white folks hair like we can relate?
> 
> Becky cannot relate with me and my hair even though she has a Jose Eber flat iron and I have a Gold n Hot flat iron. Still aint the same.
> 
> ...



I'm sorry, I would have never said it so bluntly... but that there is the truth.   lol


----------



## discodumpling (Aug 23, 2009)

I feel  for you OP...that's a definite deal breaker for me. I wouldn't hesitate to end my 20 yr relationship and 9 yr marriage if my husband ever came at me with that. 

He's entitled to his opinion & i'm entitled to my happiness.


----------



## FluffyRed (Aug 23, 2009)

Moomin said:


> ETA: Whens the last time you saw Julia Roberts or Nicole Kidman with their *natural curls*?


 
I don't know the *last time* but they both have worn them onscreen.

(Nicole Kidman has some 3c hair, if not 4a, btw.)

What black actress has done that?


----------



## femmemuscle (Aug 23, 2009)

i noticed it, and my boyfriend noticed this as well.  When i went natural, and began working at a "high-status" job, in on month, i received a smattering of patient complaints.  Some patients were "uncomfortable" with my hair. It never failed that when my hair was "freshly braided", my boyfriend and the clients gave me quite a few compliments.  But when the new growth came in - here comes the complaints from him - and the patients.

Even i was becoming tired.  everytime i saw a woman rocking a natural style, i thought - "hey kudos" for her. but it's not working for me anymore. or my relationship at work.  At home, it didn't matter.

So i decided to do a weave.  a natural, curly afro 10" weave.  it's spirally, afro textured, 3c/4a hair.  I didn't want to compromise my natural hair, and i know that due to shrinkage, i won't attain WL hair like Diana Ross used to wear in one year (which is my goal, yes WL 4c hair).

I am over 40, and starting over on my hair journey.  the compromise was a hit.  My boyfriend doesn't have to deal with the "new growth look" every 2 weeks, due to the style.  There's no flatironing, no pressing, or anything to be done to my natural hair except gelling the edges.

My supervisor likes the style, and noticed that immediately, the patient complaints stopped.

so why not compromise, and still keep your natural hair? someone else on this discussion suggested this.  You or your husband can pick whatever style you want, and wear it without having to harm your own hair.


----------



## BonBon (Aug 23, 2009)

MizzBrown said:


> We AINT WHITE! Why folks keep bringing up white folks hair like we can relate?
> 
> Becky cannot relate with me and my hair even though she has a Jose Eber flat iron and I have a Gold n Hot flat iron. Still aint the same.
> 
> ...




 I wasn't talking about black people looking to a white woman to feel good. Im not sure where that came from?

 I just read the whole thingerplexed If you were in the controversial 3C thread you would know I dont relate to anything but 4b let alone WW!
 I'm not that cracked in the head yet 
I just feel curly head people are not going out in the the morning the way they really are these days.


----------



## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

FluffyRed said:


> I don't know the *last time* but they both have worn them onscreen.
> 
> (*Nicole Kidman* has some 3c hair, if not 4a, btw.)
> 
> What black actress has done that?




Nicole Kidman wears a lacefront almost all the time.


----------



## MizzBrown (Aug 23, 2009)

Moomin said:


> I wasn't talking about black people looking to a white woman to feel good. Im not sure where that came from?


 
Why bring white folks hair up? They arent a good basis for comparison, IMO.

I dont care to see Julia Roberts with curly or straight hair. I'd like to see if some BLACK actresses with my hair type do that.

When's the last time you saw a black actress with their REAL natural curly hair? Beyond Type 3?

WW/WM and their disgust with curly hair is completely different from what we face in OUR community. Its deeper. And the funny thing is, not only do we have to deal with it in OUR community but as proven already in this thread, we still gotta go to work and deal with it from white folks too. BOTH sides.

*FEMMEMUSCLE,*

What exactly do the patients say about your hair? I mean, what is their complaint? How do they express it?


----------



## LovinLea (Aug 23, 2009)

MizzBrown said:


> We AINT WHITE! Why folks keep bringing up white folks hair like we can relate?
> 
> Becky cannot relate with me and my hair even though she has a Jose Eber flat iron and I have a Gold n Hot flat iron. Still aint the same.
> 
> ...


 

this sounds wrong to me, like "white people can't understand. things are harder for us".

Becky should be able to come up to you and talk about her hair. Why does having natural, black hair always have to be shown as some cross to bear?

Some of my best friends are natural. Not the 3b or 3c curls, either. They're my inspirations. I don't see them struggling.


----------



## MissYocairis (Aug 23, 2009)

oh lawd, *WHERE* is the padlock?!?! we will wear the hell out of a situation, won't we? 

_*runs out of thread screaming and shaking*_


----------



## MizzBrown (Aug 23, 2009)

LovinLea said:


> this sounds wrong to me, like "white people can't understand. things are harder for us".
> 
> Becky should be able to come up to you and talk about her hair. Why does having natural, black hair always have to be shown as some cross to bear?
> 
> Some of my best friends are natural. Not the 3b or 3c curls, either. They're my inspirations. I don't see them struggling.


 
I dont want Becky coming up to me and talking about her hair. Period. 

Just cause your friends aren't struggling doesn't mean others aren't.


----------



## hopeful (Aug 23, 2009)

Smuckie_Slick said:


> oh lawd, *WHERE* is the padlock?!?! *we will wear the hell out of a situation, won't we? *
> 
> _*runs out of thread screaming and shaking*_


 
You are right about that!


----------



## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

LovinLea said:


> this sounds wrong to me, like "white people can't understand. things are harder for us".
> 
> Becky should be able to come up to you and talk about her hair. Why does having natural, black hair always have to be shown as some cross to bear?
> 
> Some of my best friends are natural. Not the 3b or 3c curls, either. They're my inspirations. I don't see them struggling.



It's not saying that for me.

Our hair is tied into our RACE.  The hair thing is not exactly the same for a black woman as it is for a white woman. 

Of course they have their own thing with their hair going on, however... it's not quite on the same level as black people.  A lot of the time non blacks don't realize how big of an issue our hair can be.


----------



## BonBon (Aug 23, 2009)

MizzBrown said:


> Why bring white folks hair up? They arent a good basis for comparison, IMO.
> 
> I dont care to see Julia Roberts with curly or straight hair. I'd like to see if some BLACK actresses with my hair type do that.
> 
> ...




 I never said that we had the same struggles at all in any way. My post was independent and I never compared BW struggles to WW struggles. I made no comparisons at all. You have made assumptions I meant that and run with it but thats OK.

 No hard feelings but I know what I wasn't posting about.

ETA: I just looked and it does kinda look like that lol, sorry for offence caused but it wasn't a sympathy for curly white girls, just feel its undesirable in general now.


----------



## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

hopeful said:


> You are right about that!



*is unashamed*


----------



## Kneechay (Aug 23, 2009)

OP's issue troubles me to hear. I'm not married, so I can't put myself in your shoes, but it reminded me of SouthernBella's fotki.

Read the description to this particular link, OP, look through her album fully and see if it helps you make your decision.

http://public.fotki.com/lauren450/after-the-bc!-1/month-45/


----------



## MizzBrown (Aug 23, 2009)

^^Nichi, you got a fotki?


----------



## hopeful (Aug 23, 2009)

Neith said:


> *is unashamed*


----------



## LovinLea (Aug 23, 2009)

MizzBrown said:


> I dont want Becky coming up to me and talking about her hair. Period.
> 
> Just cause your friends aren't struggling doesn't mean others aren't.


 
now you sound racist. i guess that's okay when you're on a website for black women, huh?


----------



## MizzBrown (Aug 23, 2009)

LovinLea said:


> now you sound racist. i guess that's okay when you're on a website for black women, huh?


 
Damn right.


----------



## Kurlee (Aug 23, 2009)

Neith said:


> It's not saying that for me.
> 
> Our hair is tied into our RACE.  The hair thing is not exactly the same for a black woman as it is for a white woman.
> 
> Of course they have their own thing with their hair going on, however... it's not quite on the same level as black people.  A lot of the time non blacks don't realize how big of an issue our hair can be.


i hate how in all these threads we spend so much time bickering over things that are facts and no longer require debate. Black hair is a big deal in the black commnunity, period.  There is no need to debate this. There is contemporary and historically proof of this. Bringing up white people does nothing but deflect the issue at hand.  The OP's hubby is pressuring her to get a relaxer.  I am not in her relationship, so I cannot demonize this man for one short coming.  All I know is, if OP loves her natural hair and despite the criticism of her others, genuinely loves it, she should keep it. If DH has a problem it is more likely more his problem than hers and I don't feel she should feed into it. Let's be real. If she had 3b hair, it wouldn't be an issue.  

Issues of acceptance when it comes to type 4 hair are a biggie for men and women and it doesn't mean that these people are bad people. It is just that they have subscribed to the whole "good hair, bad hair" thing and we all know where this comes from.  That is something that HE will have to work on to eventually overcome and maybe with her help, because it is something that many people struggle with. I think if she gives in and relaxes she is going to eventually resent him, he will never learn to appreciate and accept his own hair or hers  and see the beauty in it and lastly, i think she will be doing herself a disservice.


----------



## tocktick (Aug 23, 2009)

LovinLea said:


> this sounds wrong to me, like "white people can't understand. things are harder for us".
> 
> Becky should be able to come up to you and talk about her hair. Why does having natural, black hair always have to be shown as some cross to bear?
> 
> Some of my best friends are natural. Not the 3b or 3c curls, either. They're my inspirations. I don't see them struggling.




Eh...I see what MizzBrown was saying. In general, I think many of us often see the corporate world, our families, partners and even strangers etc have a deep dislike for natural type 4 or highly textured type 3 hair. For some people, that is where the struggle comes in. When I see a _huge _number WW openly voicing their strong_ fears_ about rocking their curly hair and talking about the "mental transition", I'll think of their issue with hair as on par with the one within black communities *worldwide*. In the meantime, I believe many white people are not as bothered about it. 

Also, one doesn't need to see their natural hair as "burden" or cross to bear in order to believe that as a _whole_ the hair issue in our community seems to be deeper than white peoples. You can acknowledge that without a woe is me attitude. Many naturals do.


----------



## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

While agree she is saying it bluntly and harshly...  and I wouldn't word it the same way 

She does have a point 

It's not racist to say that there ARE differences between the experiences of black people and white people.  Including the black woman's hair experience.

The delivery... kinda harsh   The message... 100% true.


----------



## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

Kurlee said:


> i hate how in all these threads we spend so much time bickering over things that are facts and no longer require debate. Black hair is a big deal in the black commnunity, period.  There is no need to debate this. There is contemporary and historically proof of this. Bringing up white people does nothing but deflect the issue at hand.  The OP's hubby is pressuring her to get a relaxer.  I am not in her relationship, so I cannot demonize this man for one short coming.  All I know is, if OP loves her natural hair and despite the criticism of her others, genuinely loves it, she should keep it. If DH has a problem it is more likely more his problem than hers and I don't feel she should feed into it. Let's be real. If she had 3b hair, it wouldn't be an issue.
> 
> Issues of acceptance when it comes to type 4 hair are a biggie for men and women and it doesn't mean that these people are bad people. It is just that they have subscribed to the whole "good hair, bad hair" thing and we all know where this comes from.  That is something that HE will have to work on to eventually overcome and maybe with her help, because it is something that many people struggle with. I think if she gives in and relaxes she is going to eventually resent him, he will never learn to appreciate and accept his own hair or hers  and see the beauty in it and lastly, i think she will be doing herself a disservice.



I didn't bring up white people though.  lol

I agree with you!


----------



## LovinLea (Aug 23, 2009)

Neith said:


> While agree she is saying it bluntly and harshly... and I wouldn't word it the same way
> 
> She does have a point
> 
> ...


 
i didn't think the point that there are differences between our experiences to be racist. it _is_ different.

the fact that she keeps saying that she won't let a white woman talk to her about hair... no need to be so separatist.


----------



## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

LovinLea said:


> i didn't think the point that there are differences between our experiences to be racist. it _is_ different.
> 
> the fact that she keeps saying that she won't let a white woman talk to her about hair... no need to be so separatist.



I agree... no need to be separatist.

but I still agree that on one level someone who isn't black won't understand the whole issue.  It's so ingrained in our culture.  That was the point I think she was trying to get across.


----------



## Kurlee (Aug 23, 2009)

Neith said:


> I didn't bring up white people though.  lol
> 
> I agree with you!


lol I know, you were just the most recent person to quote the issue, cuz I was too lazy to go back and find the original. Just the fact that so many are just discovering their "real hair" in their 20's and beyond and some still have no idea what their hair looks like without chemicals, shows that the hair thing is a "big deal" for us


----------



## BostonMaria (Aug 23, 2009)

My DH decided that he wanted to grow out his hair. He has 4a/4b hair and as it got bigger I got angrier with him. Before you throw any stones, I have always loved a clean and cut look on men so this was disturbing to me LOL  Fast forward to 2 years (2007) and here I was transitioning to natural and I finally understood why he wanted to do this. I also understood that my constant nagging and complaining was making him feel really bad about himself.  He ended up cutting his hair and I felt horrible. He made the decision based on me being mean to him so it wasn't right.  When I cut my hair in 2007 he decided to grow out his hair again LOL  I can't say I love him with big hair, but I sure do accept it and know he'll eventually cut it and get over his mid-life crisis LOL but in the meantime I learned that I can accept him no matter what, he was still the same person on the inside. Just with more hair! 

Don't relax your hair for your husband until you've had a serious talk with him explaining why you want to keep your natural hair and how this really hurts your feelings. Otherwise  you will resent him and trust me he'll know.  Like someone else said, maybe flatironing it once in a blue moon to make him happy might work too.  I wish you luck with whatever you decide. *hugs*


----------



## kkamara5 (Aug 23, 2009)

TheGrimPhreaker said:


> I'm reading and I can't even fathom the THOUGHT of being weakminded enough to think "Oh well, what hubby says, goes!" No,no,NO! Compromise? Pfftt... he doesn't seem like the compromising type. He's already commanding her to get her hair relaxed and styled. Couldn't be me though because he would have had a swift drop kick to his head.


 


Honestly speaking...this reaction exemplifies the reason why black women are looked upon as being "angry"....or "aggressive"....
In no way am I saying that the OP should sacrifice her happiness for the sake of her husbands, however, marriage is about compromise...and yes her husband should love her for who she is, but I believe that she too should want to please him or feel beautiful for him...I dont know about anyone else, but I get a sense of femininity and sexiness when I know that my man is 100 percent attracted to everything about me....I would hate to think that there is something about me that he disapproves of...especially if a compromise can be reached......Not because I feel like he would love me any less, but because little things like this is what I believe makes the marriage strong... ....I'm not married, or in her shoes, however, when I get married I will try everyway possible to make my man happy....whether its keeping myself in shape, or looking my best....and I expect the same in return...

Im not suggesting that the OP should relax her hair.....I'm only saying maybe she could find an alternative such as straightening, doing braid-outs, or simply trying to educate her man on different hairstyles in general.....instead of dismissing his suggestions..


----------



## Murjani (Aug 23, 2009)

Here we go.....


----------



## BostonMaria (Aug 23, 2009)

Murjani said:


> Here we go.....



Yeah I just realized this thing is going to get the padlock right after I posted LOL  I should've guessed it with the number of responses in one day.  I hope the OP got something out of the real responses   I'm still trying to figure out how white women got into this debate *goes to page 5*


----------



## Mynappturalme (Aug 23, 2009)

How about a BKT treatment? You can still say your natural and he can see your hair strait.


----------



## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

Since we're going down the road to the padlock anyway...

How is a bkt a compromise if the reason a person doesn't want to relax is because they don't want to alter their texture?


----------



## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

kkamara5 said:


> Honestly speaking...this reaction exemplifies the reason why black women are looked upon as being "angry"....or "aggressive"....
> In no way am I saying that the OP should sacrifice her happiness for the sake of her husbands, however, marriage is about compromise...and yes her husband should love her for who she is, but I believe that she too should want to please him or feel beautiful for him...I dont know about anyone else, but I get a sense of femininity and sexiness when I know that my man is 100 percent attracted to everything about me....I would hate to think that there is something about me that he disapproves of...especially if a compromise can be reached......Not because I feel like he would love me any less, but because little things like this is what I believe makes the marriage strong... ....I'm not married, or in her shoes, however, when I get married I will try everyway possible to make my man happy....whether its keeping myself in shape, or looking my best....and I expect the same in return...
> 
> Im not suggesting that the OP should relax her hair.....I'm only saying maybe she could find an alternative such as straightening, doing braid-outs, or simply trying to educate her man on different hairstyles in general.....instead of dismissing his suggestions..



Some people are like that, some are not.

I'm in the "not" category.  I would much rather want to live up to MY version of my "perfect" hair and body.

That doesn't mean that I don't take what he likes into consideration.  It doesn't mean that I'm angry.  *It just means that I am my own person.*  I keep him happy *WHILE* keeping myself happy.  

Some people can sacrifice hair easily.  Some can't.  Everyone is different.  You pick and choose what you'll sacrifice based on how much it means to you.

It's not all about him (it's not ALL about me either)... it's about us both sharing eachother's lives COMFORTABLY and happily.   If I am very uncomfortable doing something, I shouldn't have to just endure.  I should be happy too!


----------



## Kurlee (Aug 23, 2009)

msa said:


> Since we're going down the road to the padlock anyway...
> 
> How is a bkt a compromise if the reason a person doesn't want to relax is because they don't want to alter their texture?


i may sound unreasonable, but I just don't understand why she has so do all of that? You really think if the tables were turned, dude would be agonizing over what she thinks his hair should be cut or how he would line up his face? What if she wanted him to get an scurl to make his hair curlier? Would he be hop and skipping to it? Don't think so.


----------



## Crackers Phinn (Aug 23, 2009)

AsianAfricanPrincess said:


> I have a question about something I've noticed overwhelmingly among Black naturals.  Why is it that when "other women" feel that they look better with curly hair (if their hair is naturally straight) or even straight hair (if their hair is naturally wavy/curly, etc., they are not questioned for that or told that they somehow have a problem with identity/self-acceptance?



I think the better question is what qualifies one black natural woman to tell another black natural woman how she should feel about her hair or what style she should or should not like or deem appropriate for herself.

But I digress,  OP I hope you and your husband find a happy medium.


----------



## naturalmanenyc (Aug 23, 2009)

I have not read the entire thread, but I agree that you need to find a happy medium so that you both get what you want. 

My natural hair is now at a length that I love and I want to wear it out; however, DH is not there yet. He does love that my straightened hair is much thicker than it was when relaxed but he is not yet ready for me to wear my curly fro in public. DH does not want me to relax & he does not think natural hair looks unpolished, so I am not in your exact situation, but I do understand. 

I see no reason to relax; however, you do have other options if you want to stay natural. There is nothing wrong with wanting look the way that YOUR husband prefers.  I also do not agree that his preference for your hair demonstrates any issues within your marriage.  Only you know if that suggestion has any merit; but most likely it's just a personal preference as it is with most of us.  I love dreadlocks on my husband but some people may think they look unpolished.

My husband asked me to stop wearing weaves, which I had been wearing for many years including at the time we met, and I stopped. My weaves looked great but DH felt that my own hair (APL at the time) was already long. 

When I decided to stop relaxing my hair, DH and I discussed it in advance. I have been transitioning since December 2007 with mini chops, using full wigs & half wigs because I was not comfortable with short hair nor was DH. At one point my relaxed hair was BSL and I usually kept my hair at APL or longer. I will continue to wear phony pony's & half wigs until we are BOTH comfortable with my natural hair.


----------



## Kurlee (Aug 23, 2009)

Crackers Phinn said:


> I think the better question is what qualifies one black natural woman to tell another black natural woman how she should feel about her hair or what style she should or should not like or deem appropriate for herself.
> 
> But I digress,  OP I hope you and your husband find a happy medium.


nothing does, but she asked for opinions so that's what she is getting . I just think some people can only see the surface of an issue and are happy to "play" at the surface level. If it works for them, then that's cool too. You have to do what works for you and what you have the capacity to do.


----------



## BonBon (Aug 23, 2009)

dlove said:


> I bind that in the name of Jesus.  He loves me, just likes straight hair.



 My post was sarcastic, I know he loves you lol

ETA: Its 3:30AM, I'm off to bed nothing is coming out right :/ I put the wrong smiley aswell *sigh* Sorry Jlove


----------



## MizzBrown (Aug 23, 2009)

msa said:


> Since we're going down the road to the padlock anyway...
> 
> How is a bkt a compromise if the reason a person doesn't want to relax is because they don't want to alter their texture?


 
Aint that bout as worse as a relaxer w/ all the chemicals?


----------



## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

Kurlee said:


> i may sound unreasonable, but I just don't understand why she has so do all of that? You really think if the tables were turned, dude would be agonizing over what she thinks his hair should be cut or how he would line up his face? What if she wanted him to get an scurl to make his hair curlier? Would he be hop and skipping to it? Don't think so.




Oh I completely agree with you.

I just don't understand people saying that BKT is a compromise when it essentially does the same thing as a relaxer and it uses chemicals as well.

Hell, I don't even think straightening is a good compromise but at least it's not permanent (or semi-permanent). 

All I know is I'm happy I don't have this problem.


----------



## Kurlee (Aug 23, 2009)

MizzBrown said:


> Aint that bout as worse as a relaxer w/ all the chemicals?


well it's perceived as milder because it is not permanent and uses formaldehyde instead of lye


----------



## Mynappturalme (Aug 23, 2009)

msa said:


> Since we're going down the road to the padlock anyway...
> 
> How is a bkt a compromise if the reason a person doesn't want to relax is because they don't want to alter their texture?


 

My goodness, Calm down.    It is just a suggestion. 

BKT is not permanant, it's temporary.  She can do the BKT for month and natural for a month or something, that way she still doesn't loose her texture, BKT returns to your natural texture after so many washes.  Switch it up.

Not all BKT uses Formaldehyde, there are plenty of naturals on this site that uses BKT and love it.  Like I said just a suggestion good grief.


----------



## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

MizzBrown said:


> Aint that bout as worse as a relaxer w/ all the chemicals?




IMO, it is worse. At least with a relaxer there are no fumes to breathe in. But hey, folks do what they gotta do.

As someone stated earlier, if her DH wanted her to go natural folks would be up in arms talking about "it's your hair, he doesn't understand that natural hair is unmanageable, you're the one who has to do it everyday" etc etc. Obviously, people will justify anything so long as it fits in with the predominant view of beauty.


----------



## Kurlee (Aug 23, 2009)

msa said:


> Oh I completely agree with you.
> 
> I just don't understand people saying that BKT is a compromise when it essentially does the same thing as a relaxer and it uses chemicals as well.
> 
> ...


yea, it makes me uncomfortable that people have to wean their REAL HAIR that grows out of their head, that GOD gave them on someone. It just seems odd to me. It's your hair. You were born with and you can only change it if you put chemicals on it. Why is that something that you have to explain and compromise about? It's what you authentically are...... no frills. I'm not saying I am anti-relaxer, because to me, it's whatever floats your boat, but it would severely turn me off to have to give someone my real hair in small doses, so that they are still attracted to me or accept my hair. It just seems like a whole lot of mess over something I can't control (hair type).


----------



## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

Mynappturalme said:


> My goodness, Calm down.    It is just a suggestion.
> 
> BKT is not permanant, it's temporary.  She can do the BKT for month and natural for a month or something, that way she still doesn't loose her texture, BKT returns to your natural texture after so many washes.  Switch it up.




Umm, I'm definitely calm. 

Anyway, I understand it's not permanent. My point was if someone wants to be natural because they don't want to alter their texture, then bkt'ing is not a good compromise because it alters the texture (even if until it wears off, if it does). And if someone is against relaxers because of the chemicals, then bkt'ing is also not a compromise because it uses harsh chemicals as well.


----------



## AsianAfricanPrincess (Aug 23, 2009)

Mortons said:


> Because they are not doing it in record numbers like we are. It takes a certain kind of mindset to make a majority of women of a certain race to feel like their natural hair is inadequate. I know someone will get mad at that statement but I think its completely true.



I agree with this statement in regard to relaxers...although, we STILL do immediately draw the conclusion that the purpose of relaxing must be due to some sort of self-hatred.  I tend to think this is often a simplistic or default assumption common amongst many naturals.  The reason people choose to relax or not relax are often very complex and diverse.  But instead of giving each other a chance, we often observe other Black women from a position of judgment.   

Also, I tend to look at history and the state of people today.  I've encountered plenty of people with natural hair and a "Stepin Fetchit" mindset.  PLENTY.  However, I've encountered many people who are relaxed and involved in their communities and the empowerment of people of African descent.  And without telling my age, the NOI, the Black Panthers were often filled with permies.  And they were doing a lot more for their people then a lot of us think we're doing by simply wearing a natural hairstyle.  

History and society have taught me that self-loathing, self-love, empowerment, denigration, and our perceptions of ourselves are tied in to way more than just our hair.  That's simply scratching the surface.  

I've been natural and relaxed (natural four times).  Being natural has taught me to not assume that I know anyone else's reasons for relaxing.  I would like to see us be warmer and more tolerant of each other in this regard.    Having natural hair doesn't say anything _at all_ (in my opinion) about someone's mindset.  

And I learned that lesson the hard way.


----------



## FluffyRed (Aug 23, 2009)

msa said:


> Nicole Kidman wears a lacefront almost all the time.


 
wow @ lacefronts!

Have you seen _Dead Calm_?

made me question her whiteness.


----------



## Neith (Aug 23, 2009)

naturaltobe said:


> I see no reason to relax; however, you do have other options if you want to stay natural.  There is nothing wrong with wanting look the way that YOUR husband prefers.



I totally agree with that.

but NOT if it's something that you truly don't want to do.  If it has deep meaning to you... then I wouldn't do it.

I'm not trying to change anyone's mind about their hair.  In this situation it depends on what the op feels.  Some people freely cut/color and do whatever to their hair.  It wouldn't be an issue for a person like that.  Some natural women don't want any chance of damage or chemicals in their hair at all.  If it were me I would find it to be upsetting.  I'm aware that some people wouldn't.

Now.. let me go moisturize and seal my hair.  So it can grow long and healthy.  Cuz that's what MY man wants  (but first and foremost, what I want)


----------



## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

Kurlee said:


> yea, it makes me uncomfortable that people have to wean their REAL HAIR that grows out of their head, that GOD gave them on someone. It just seems odd to me. It's your hair. You were born with and you can only change it if you put chemicals on it. Why is that something that you have to explain and compromise about. It's what you authentically are...... no frills. I'm not saying I am anti-relaxer, because to me, it's whatever floats your boat, *but it would severely turn me off to have to give someone my real hair in small doses, so that they are still attracted to me or accept my hair.* It just seems like a whole lot of mess over something I can't control (hair type).




I feel you on that. 

Like I said, it couldn't be me. If you like me, then you like my fro. If you dislike my fro, then you dislike me. Simple.


----------



## Kurlee (Aug 23, 2009)

FluffyRed said:


> wow @ lacefronts!
> 
> Have you seen _Dead Calm_?
> 
> made me question her whiteness.


her hair is some serious, kinky 3c with a little 3b. Gorgeous! Oh and the lady in ur siggy is beautiful!


----------



## Crackers Phinn (Aug 23, 2009)

Kurlee said:


> nothing does, but she asked for opinions so that's what she is getting .



Naw, her question was: Has anybody else been in her shoes?


----------



## Kurlee (Aug 23, 2009)

Crackers Phinn said:


> Naw, her question was: Has anybody else been in her shoes?


well be argumentative if you'd like, but it is kind of implied that she wanted a response beyond yes I have or no I haven't, but I digress.


----------



## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

naturaltobe said:


> *My natural hair is now at a length that I love and I want to wear it out; however, DH is not there yet. *He does love that my straightened hair is much thicker than it was when relaxed *but he is not yet ready for me to wear my curly fro in public.* DH does not want me to relax & he does not think natural hair looks unpolished, so I am not in your exact situation, but I do understand.



Your husband has super long locs but he's not ready for you to wear your curly fro in public? 

That is...ummm...interesting.


----------



## AsianAfricanPrincess (Aug 23, 2009)

tocktick said:


> What do you mean by the bold...not quite the same thing as what? Please clarify as I'm genuinely confused on that part of your post.
> 
> I do believe long and healthy straight hair (that isn't tied back) will be viewed as more professional (or groomed) etc than afro hair with the same attributes in most minds. Yet it is really only in the working world where one may have to pander to those values. One can choose not to carry that faulty corporate work mentality into their own lives outside the workplace.
> 
> Yes, I agree with the red. I believe I said as much in my first post. What I disagreed with was the insinuation that puffs, twistouts etc were innately childish hair styles. Imo, there are many styling options for the aforementioned, so I didn't see how they could be automatically labelled as childish or young. You can go from having a "wild" TO to pinning them up and looking elegant like YaYa. The options are there if one chooses to explore them, imo. I also believe no matter your hair texture, the rest of the package (make-up, jewllery, clothing etc) has a bigger impact on the image you project. If Yaya had been dressed down, her hair would probably not be enough to make her look elegant.



I can only speak for myself here.  I do look more childish when I wear my natural hair out.  This is the only time I get carded.  This is the only time that I'm not referred to as "madame" or "ma'am".  So there is a reason for that, whether or not I agree with it.  

Also, the older women get, the more conservative their style becomes.  It's as simple as that.  I'm speaking about social norms here; that's not to say that this is the general rule for everyone, in every society.  

High ponytails ARE frequented by young women, teens, and cheerleaders (at least in the US).  That doesn't mean it doesn't look good.  That simply means that older women who are more conservative don't usually wear high ponytails, unless it's secured into a bun.  

I don't know what industries others work in.  I would consider mine among the least "liberal" or forgiving.  And hair that is worn out in our workplace has to be close to the scalp.  Plain and simple.  That is the rule in our workplace, regardless of your race, skin color, or hairtype/length.  I've seen many a time when Caucasian colleagues were called in and told to tone down their hair or get a haircut (usually our first-year associates or interns encounter this sort of reprimand).  Kinky, coily colleagues rarely encounter this in my industry (that I've seen) simply because they already seem to know the rules somehow and usually come in looking polished already, their hair close to their scalps (regardless of the style).

Regarding Yaya, her style - an updo - does not count to me as being "loose hair" because it's secured into an elegant updo.  I love her hairstyle and if the top was low enough, I'd totally be able to wear that to work.  But the farther it is from our scalps, in my industry, the more likely we'll be given a talking to.  

I have no idea how it works for other industries...mine is pretty conservative, but they're not crazy and would never do anything to invite a lawsuit (like tell me that I can't wear kinky hair, period).


----------



## kkamara5 (Aug 23, 2009)

Neith said:


> Some people are like that, some are not.
> 
> I'm in the "not" category. I would much rather want to live up to MY version of my "perfect" hair and body.
> 
> ...


 


When I wrote "angry" I was refering to "TheGrimPhreaker" stating that she would, "swift drop kick his head" , if he suggested a change of hairstyle.........moving foward......you're right...some people are like that and some are not.....I'm in the "are"category....not because my opinion does not matter but because in a relationship, there are 2 individuals involved...we're talking about a marriage, not some random boyfriend she can just drop then move on....Ultimately everything boils down to how important having natural hair is to the indiviidual........IMO, knowing that my husband finds me sexy, attractive, and comes home every night wanting me and *ONLY* me...is worth the compromise...not because I'm "weakminded" .....simply because I take my husbands opnion of me very seriously.....JMHO..


----------



## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

AsianAfricanPrincess, what industry do you work in?

I'd like to know so I can avoid it.


----------



## Mynappturalme (Aug 23, 2009)

msa said:


> Umm, I'm definitely calm.
> 
> Anyway, I understand it's not permanent. My point was if someone wants to be natural because they don't want to alter their texture, then bkt'ing is not a good compromise because it alters the texture (even if until it wears off, if it does). And if someone is against relaxers because of the chemicals, then bkt'ing is also not a compromise because it uses harsh chemicals as well.


 

Wow! about the "calm down" comment, just kidding, goodness gracious. Didn't mean to offend you MSA.

Anywhoo, I understand what you are saying completely being a natural myself.  For some, this is not an issue and another alternative for them whether you, I, or anyonelse agrees with it or not.  So even if it's not a compromise to you, it maybe a compromise to her.  In the end, it's her decision to make and I pray that she is able to make the best decision for her and husband.


----------



## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 23, 2009)

kkamara5 said:


> Honestly speaking...this reaction exemplifies the reason why black women are looked upon as being "angry"....or "aggressive"....
> In no way am I saying that the OP should sacrifice her happiness for the sake of her husbands, however, marriage is about compromise...and yes her husband should love her for who she is, but I believe that she too should want to please him or feel beautiful for him...I dont know about anyone else, but I get a sense of femininity and sexiness when I know that my man is 100 percent attracted to everything about me....I would hate to think that there is something about me that he disapproves of...especially if a compromise can be reached......Not because I feel like he would love me any less, but because little things like this is what I believe makes the marriage strong... ....I'm not married, or in her shoes, however, when I get married I will try everyway possible to make my man happy....whether its keeping myself in shape, or looking my best....and I expect the same in return...
> 
> Im not suggesting that the OP should relax her hair.....I'm only saying maybe she could find an alternative such as straightening, doing braid-outs, or simply trying to educate her man on different hairstyles in general.....instead of dismissing his suggestions..



Actually the drop kick to the head was supposed to be funny. Im surprised that this was picked out of all the comments, some being worse than this one that "exemplifies a black woman as being aggressive". I know plenty of Italian, and Spanish women that would react the same way.


----------



## Miss Monae (Aug 23, 2009)

There are SO MANY people giving their opinions...and although a lot of them make sense, they are still JUST OPINIONS...*Do what you feel is right for YOU*!

If I was to shed light on this, i would say have a conversation with DH explaining how his approach made you feel. Before presenting a compromise, find out if he will even hear the compromise. you don't want to talk to a brick wall...pray, dig deep and think about it. Eventually YOU will come to your decision...yes, you two are one in God's eyes and in the eyes of society...but you are also your OWN person...


----------



## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

Mynappturalme said:


> Wow! about the "calm down" comment, just kidding, goodness gracious. Didn't mean to offend you MSA.
> 
> Anywhoo, I understand what you are saying completely being a natural myself.  For some, this is not an issue and another alternative for them whether you, I, or anyonelse agrees with it or not.  So even if it's not a compromise to you, it maybe a compromise to her.  In the end, it's her decision to make and I pray that she is able to make the best decision for her and husband.




LOL, I was sitting here like wait, maybe I'm not calm. My bad.


----------



## AsianAfricanPrincess (Aug 23, 2009)

msa said:


> AsianAfricanPrincess, what industry do you work in?
> 
> I'd like to know so I can avoid it.



Your comment made me chuckle, I don't blame you...  I can't say what industry it is here, though.  But when you think of the top two conservative global industries, I'm sure my industry would be among the two you think of.


----------



## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

AsianAfricanPrincess said:


> Your comment made me chuckle, I don't blame you...  I can't say what industry it is here, though.  But when you think of the top two conservative global industries, I'm sure my industry would be among the two you think of.




LOL I don't know what those are...or maybe I've seen naturals in so many industries that I can't think of any that discourage certain hairstyles.


----------



## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 23, 2009)

Neith said:


> Some people are like that, some are not.
> 
> I'm in the "not" category.  I would much rather want to live up to MY version of my "perfect" hair and body.
> 
> ...



The bolded was exactly my point. Being MY OWN PERSON. If no one wants to compromise I will not compromise. If that is what makes me an angry black woman then so be it.  But truthfully I know I am not an angry black woman, as I am my own person, have a wonderful bf who sees me as strong but NOT aggressive and for the most part I'm always smiling and happy go lucky. Just because I won't stand for shenanigans and Im willing to stand up for what I believe makes me happy (whether you're by my side or not), does not make me an angry black woman. I believe there were some worse reactions on the board, but Im assuming she just chose mine


----------



## vkb247 (Aug 23, 2009)

femmemuscle said:


> i noticed it, and my boyfriend noticed this as well.  When i went natural, and began working at a "high-status" job, in on month, i received a smattering of patient complaints.  Some patients were "uncomfortable" with my hair. It never failed that when my hair was "freshly braided", my boyfriend and the clients gave me quite a few compliments.  But when the new growth came in - here comes the complaints from him - and the patients.
> 
> Even i was becoming tired.  everytime i saw a woman rocking a natural style, i thought - "hey kudos" for her. but it's not working for me anymore. or my relationship at work.  At home, it didn't matter.
> 
> ...



Couldn't you have started to get your hair done more often?


----------



## FluffyRed (Aug 23, 2009)

kkamara5 said:


> IMO, knowing that my husband finds me sexy, attractive, and comes home every night wanting me and *ONLY* me...is worth the compromise...not because I'm "weakminded" .....simply because I take my husbands opnion of me very seriously.....JMHO..


 
This is waaaay off topic, but just because you do everything he says, jump through hoops at his every whim does not mean he will want "only" you.

In general, a man that is extra focused on your externals will definitely find better externals as yours get old and wrinkly.

He'd better be connected and attracted to your soul and spirit.


----------



## GodMadeMePretty (Aug 23, 2009)

msa said:


> AsianAfricanPrincess, what industry do you work in?
> 
> I'd like to know so I can avoid it.



You're funny!

To the OP:  I haven't been in your shoes.  And I'm glad I haven't.  But it seems as though you aren't really invested in keeping your hair natural anyway as you seem to imply that all the styles are geared toward the younger generation.  If you want to relax because it's easier on you, then by all means do so.

I'm glad my husband's mantra is "Health over beauty."  Your husband's mantra should be as well.  A relaxer is just so unnecessary and it doesn't seem to me that his demand that you get a relaxer is expressing any love for you.  He obviously needs to be educated on what a relaxer actually does - rather than only being aware of the end results.

Educate him.


----------



## naturalmanenyc (Aug 23, 2009)

No, it's *not* interesting in the least.  It's normal since everyone has a preference.  

DH met me with APL hair & married me with APL hair so it's a given that he prefers APL hair since he thinks APL is long.  When I did get a mini chop last November, DH sat in the salon with me to make sure the stylist did not cut too much.  My natural hair is not yet APL, even when heat stretched.

DH has long locs (BSL if he were a woman) and I LOVE the way they look.  I met him with long locs and previously dated other men with long locs.  It's my preference and I do not want him to cut his hair.  He gets it trimmed but never more than a couple of inches.  

Once he feels the same, *and not one moment before*, then I will wear my natural hair in public.  

If he were asking me to relax then it would be a different situation.  Then again, DH now understands that relaxers chemically alter hair such that it would need to be cut off to go natural at a later date.  I don't think that most men understand how relaxers work.

*OP, maybe you can show your DH some info on relaxers.  The new Chris Rock film, Good Hair, has a clip in the trailer showing how relaxers dissolve a coke can.  If your DH understands that you no longer want to permanently alter your hair texture, then maybe he would be more understanding?*



msa said:


> Your husband has super long locs but he's not ready for you to wear your curly fro in public?
> 
> That is...ummm...interesting.


----------



## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 23, 2009)

kkamara5 said:


> When I wrote "angry" I was refering to "TheGrimPhreaker" stating that she would, "swift drop kick his head" , if he suggested a change of hairstyle.........moving foward......you're right...some people are like that and some are not.....I'm in the "are"category....not because my opinion does not matter but because in a relationship, there are 2 individuals involved...we're talking about a marriage, not some random boyfriend she can just drop then move on....Ultimately everything boils down to how important having natural hair is to the indiviidual........IMO, knowing that my husband finds me sexy, attractive, and comes home every night wanting me and *ONLY* me...is worth the compromise...not because I'm "weakminded" .....simply because I take my husbands opnion of me very seriously.....JMHO..



Huh? youre acting like I quoted you personally or something....

ETA: I don't know what made you think I was talking about you. Clearly I didnt quote you and no one else took it personal....so why you? And like I said before, it was a joke. Geez. ALSO, I never said it would be because he _*suggested*_ a hairstyle. Where you got that from I have no idea, I said it seemed like he was demanding. Don't twist words. A suggestion is TOTALLY different than a command. K Thx.


----------



## empressri (Aug 23, 2009)

If HAIR can break up a marriage....that makes me go hmmm.

Why do I need to alter something on my body to make anyone else happy? When someone loves you they are supposed to accept you. What happens if God forbid you lost your hair? Then what? He's going to make you wear a wig? A scarf? 

My fiance may not like certain styles but never has he told me to wear my hair a certain way. I'm a grown woman, how is he going to tell me what to do? If you try to "compromise" to make everyone around you happy, you are only going to end up miserable.


----------



## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

naturaltobe said:


> No, it's *not* interesting in the least.




It's interesting to me.


----------



## Mynappturalme (Aug 23, 2009)

msa said:


> LOL, I was sitting here like wait, maybe I'm not calm. My bad.


 

LOL!  That's why I put the  there.  I know it's hard to understand people's personality sometimes over the internet.  Just know I never mean any harm, I love all you LHCF sisters.


----------



## jada1111 (Aug 23, 2009)

dlove said:


> Hair type:  4a/b thick.  Shrinks into a 2 inch fro.
> 
> DH told me that the natural look on me has to go.  I just two strand twisted my hair and made an updo in the back and sides with it.  He told me that I looked better with straight hair and none, NONE of the natural styles I do or pay someone to do looks good on me.  I have worn wng puffs, loose two strand twists, two strand twists with flat twists in the front and an afro.
> 
> ...



I don't wear any of those styles - EVER.  My hair is either in an OUT style or Puff.  Have no problem getting employment, men, etc. and I'm a 4a.

You need to do WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.  I'm gathering from your post that you no longer want to be natural, because you can't get some styles going for you.  It could be technique or products, but you've been natural for two years now, so the styling issue should be a done deal.

In answer to your question, NOBODY could make me put a chemical in MY hair if I didn't want it. NOBODY.  I'm too old for that nonsense.  

I mean it really is just HAIR.  It grows back.


----------



## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 23, 2009)

I'm sooooo READY for the padlock. People are reading and misquoting people in this thread and its just sad. Let the OP decide for herself. But I did have a good laugh today LOL


----------



## GodMadeMePretty (Aug 23, 2009)

TheGrimPhreaker said:


> I'm sooooo READY for the padlock. People are reading and misquoting people in this thread and its just sad. Let the OP decide for herself. But I did have a good laugh today LOL



I don't even read half the comments.  I stopped half-way through.  So why is there a need for padlocks?


----------



## AsianAfricanPrincess (Aug 23, 2009)

TheGrimPhreaker said:


> I'm sooooo READY for the padlock. People are reading and misquoting people in this thread and its just sad. Let the OP decide for herself.





OP, I'm not in your shoes, so I can't imagine how this all must make you feel...  But I guess maintaining a dialogue with your DH and letting him know how important his support is to you right now (if you haven't already) is the only thing you can do.  

I do hope that whatever decision you make, that it's one that will ultimately make you (and your DH) happy.


----------



## RedVelvet310 (Aug 23, 2009)

Wow OP, if I were in your shoes I'd be genuinely hurt from that comment .  DH was definately in the wrong about that one.  I'm sorry but for a man to say that to his WIFE.  That he doesn't appreciate the NATURAL HAIR GROWING OUT OF HER HEAD?      .  IMO it's not a matter of compromise, but a matter of discussion.  You shouldn't compromise your happiness for your husband's (or any man) and if your husband was considerate he wouldn't ask that of you.  I don't know, I understand that there are certain superficial things that a wife should do for their hubby, stay fit, put a little bit of make-up on, keep looking nice, but when it goes as deep as hair (especially black hair)  I don't know how to feel about that.


----------



## kkamara5 (Aug 23, 2009)

TheGrimPhreaker said:


> The bolded was exactly my point. Being MY OWN PERSON. If no one wants to compromise I will not compromise. If that is what makes me an angry black woman then so be it. But truthfully I know I am not an angry black woman, as I am my own person, have a wonderful bf who sees me as strong but NOT aggressive and for the most part I'm always smiling and happy go lucky. Just because I won't stand for shenanigans and Im willing to stand up for what I believe makes me happy (whether you're by my side or not), does not make me an angry black woman. I believe there were some worse reactions on the board, but Im assuming she just chose mine


 

JEEZ LOISE calm down....you dont have to state facts about your life to prove that you are NOT an "angry black woman" ......gosh..excuse me for making a comment on your "joke"...lol ....I guess I forgot to chuckle....


----------



## femmemuscle (Aug 23, 2009)

hey mizzbrown these were the complaints that you have asked about:

"her hair doesn't look very professional"

One whopper was from a rich black female who addressed me as "girl..." during a conversation.  she was joking and cajoling, and i answered her in kind she was fine, until she couldn't get her results right away.  her complaint was:'

"She looks as if she came off of the streets, and addressed me as one of her street friends."  How can one look as if they "came off the streets in scrubs, glasses and a lab coat?"

Patients with children complained that my hair "scared them."

i had it in kinky twists pulled back to look more professional.

another one was: "we weren't very comfortable with her appearance".

I was working with the head radiologist one day, and was voicing my opinion about patient complaints, and he said: "Well, your hair does look scary to some cultures."

When i came into work wearing my weave pulled back (just i would with the kinky twists or braids).  My supervisor and her boss (from africa) were the first to say: "i like this look SO much better, it looks more professional, and polished"...


there's your answer Mizzbrown.  if you want more answers, maybe you should take a look at our facility. Palo Alto Medical Foundation, Mountain View, CA.  It's very high-end. $2.5million dollar sculptures hanging from ceilings, fountains, meditation gardens, top-notch doctors, rads(like myself) and i am the ONLY black person in our whole, huge department.  go figure.


----------



## femmemuscle (Aug 23, 2009)

damn, ladies..we're almost hitting the 300 post mark on this one..


----------



## fletches (Aug 23, 2009)

First & foremost, be very careful about taking advice on what to do with your marriage from ppl who aren't married. 

2nd, this really is a decision that has to made b/w you and your DH. And whatever decision that may be, both of you have to be comfortable with the outcome.


----------



## CocoBunny (Aug 23, 2009)

naturaltobe said:


> No, it's *not* interesting in the least. It's normal since everyone has a preference.
> 
> DH met me with APL hair & married me with APL hair so it's a given that he prefers APL hair since he thinks APL is long. When I did get a mini chop last November, DH sat in the salon with me to make sure the stylist did not cut too much. My natural hair is not yet APL, even when heat stretched.
> 
> ...


 
I agree. If my husband didn't like my hair, I'd change it.  I may not relax it but I might weave it or wig it up.  I think I posted in a previous thread, that my husband like me with dark hair.  I loved my  hair when it was a strawberry blond.  Of course my hair promptly fell out from the relaxing and coloring but that made it easier to decide to keep my hair dark.  Now my hair and my hubby are happy.  It's about compromise his and mine. Completely off topic but prior to us getting married, he told me he didn't ever want a fat wife.  I told him I hate the gym but love to eat, we compromised he will never nag or even mention my weight and I will never weigh more then he does.


----------



## naturalmanenyc (Aug 23, 2009)

Just wow!!!  I really do think that some of these comments from colleagues are grounds for a lawsuit.  Not that you should take it to that level and be black listed in your field but WOW!!!!  Do they know that these comments create a hostile work environment?





femmemuscle said:


> hey mizzbrown these were the complaints that you have asked about:
> 
> *"her hair doesn't look very professional"*
> 
> ...


----------



## kkamara5 (Aug 23, 2009)

FluffyRed said:


> This is waaaay off topic, but just because you do everything he says, jump through hoops at his every whim does not mean he will want "only" you.
> 
> In general, a man that is extra focused on your externals will definitely find better externals as yours get old and wrinkly.
> 
> He'd better be connected and attracted to your soul and spirit.


 

Yea you're right..it doesnt mean that he will want me and ONLY me...however, that will not be my motivation for not wanting to please my husband or come to a *"compromise"* ...or should I say, "jump through hoops at his every whim"...lol good one...judging from that statement and your obvious lack of desire to *compromise* in a *MARRIAGE*...your most likely without a man/husband...no offense....JMHO.....

key word: *COMPROMISE*

PS...a successful marriage involves connection and attraction to the mind, body, and soul...


----------



## fmnnity (Aug 23, 2009)

femmemuscle said:


> hey mizzbrown these were the complaints that you have asked about:
> 
> "her hair doesn't look very professional"
> 
> ...


 

Totally OT.  You guys are one of my customers!!!!!


----------



## SouthernStunner (Aug 23, 2009)

Ok I am going to say something that may or may not be accepted well on here.
I do agree to a point that DH feelings are my top priority and if he didnt like my natural hair it would hurt and I would oblige him.  But me taking into consideration his feelings will have to be met with him doing the same thing for me on occasion.

When I met my DH I had short relaxed hair.  He knew I was trying to grow it out and that was fine for him.  He is partial to relaxed hair.  I am currently 11.5 months post so he has seen my natrual hair and he is ok with it BUT if he wasnt I think I would relax cause when he met me I was relaxed.  If that makes any sense.

What I am trying to say is when you met your DH you were relaxed right?  That is what he liked then and that is what he likes now.  Most men dont do well with change they are creatures of habbit.

Ultimately you have to do what is good for you and your marriage.


----------



## FluffyRed (Aug 23, 2009)

fletches said:


> First & foremost, be very careful about taking advice on what to do with your marriage from ppl who aren't married.
> .



We've already debunked that fallacy  murried wimmin do not have a monopoly on good relationship advice.

Stacy Peterson was married. Tina & Ike, too.


----------



## CocoBunny (Aug 23, 2009)

fletches said:


> First & foremost, be very careful about taking advice on what to do with your marriage from ppl who aren't married.
> 
> 2nd, this really is a decision that has to made b/w you and your DH. And whatever decision that may be, both of you have to be comfortable with the outcome.


 
ITA!!!!!!!


----------



## fmnnity (Aug 23, 2009)

This is just too much.  Please just tend to your marriage.  I'm not married btw.


----------



## FluffyRed (Aug 23, 2009)

kkamara5 said:


> ...judging from that statement and your obvious lack of desire to *compromise* in a *MARRIAGE*...your most likely without a man/husband...no offense....JMHO.....
> 
> .



Ur right, because a female could not disagree with *you* and  be able to relate to someone of the opposite sex.  that comment is gonna make me cry.


----------



## CocoBunny (Aug 23, 2009)

FluffyRed said:


> We've already debunked that fallacy  murried wimmin do not have a monopoly on good relationship advice.
> 
> Stacy Peterson was married. Tina & Ike, too.


 
Hmmm that's pretty much the same thing  my perpetually single, complaining about they can't keep a man but ain't never going to compromise themselves, ain't no body going to tell them nothing single friends say too...

YMMV


----------



## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 23, 2009)

kkamara5 said:


> JEEZ LOISE calm down....you dont have to state facts about your life to prove that you are NOT an "angry black woman" ......gosh..excuse me for making a comment on your "joke"...lol ....I guess I forgot to chuckle....




I was calm thus the spinning smiley!! did it not come through?


----------



## taz007 (Aug 23, 2009)

I am going to put in my two cents ...

(Disclaimer ..... I have not read ALL of the replies)

I can definitely tell who has a _*successful*_ marriage based on what has been posted.

I was natural when I met my husband.  He loved me when I was looking tore up while going to school.  He NEVER complained when I looked like Side Show Bob for about 2 years.

When I relaxed last year, he continued to support me and only spoke positive things to me.

I absolutely ADORE him and he ADORES me! 

If he asked me to shave my head TOMORROW, I would ask "Where da clippers at".  I would not do it because I am afraid that he would leave me or that I am weak . 

I would do just about anything for him (as long as it follows what God says is right) and he would do the same for me.

I almost destroyed my marriage initially with the kind of thinking that is on this board (I had it bad!)

The reason why I would do it is:

*'Cause the way that he looks at me EVERY DAY (after almost 10 years of marriage) just melts my heart. *

I know that he would NEVER ask that of me, but if  he did .....


----------



## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 23, 2009)

kkamara5 said:


> Yea you're right..it doesnt mean that he will want me and ONLY me...however, that will not be my motivation for not wanting to please my husband or come to a *"compromise"* ...or should I say, "jump through hoops at his every whim"...lol good one..._*judging from that statement and your obvious lack of desire to compromise in a **MARRIAGE...your most likely without a man/husband...no offense....JMHO.....
> *_
> key word: *COMPROMISE*
> 
> PS...a successful marriage involves connection and attraction to the mind, body, and soul...



WOOOOOOOWWWW.....that was too low for comfort. 

Geez, why am I not surprised at women tearing each other down??


----------



## Southernbella. (Aug 23, 2009)

CocoBunny said:


> Hmmm that's pretty much the same thing  my perpetually single, complaining about they can't keep a man but ain't never going to compromise themselves, ain't no body going to tell them nothing single friends say too...
> 
> YMMV



Interesting...there have been a few married women in this thread, myself included, who have stated that we would not allow our husbands to dictate something like this. 

Yall keep holding onto that notion, though. I guess it feels good to know that there are angry, manless black women out there hatin' on the married folks.


----------



## Southernbella. (Aug 23, 2009)

taz007 said:


> I am going to put in my two cents ...
> 
> (Disclaimer ..... I have not read ALL of the replies)
> 
> I can definitely tell who has a _*successful*_ marriage based on what has been posted.



You might want to read all the replies.


----------



## CocoBunny (Aug 23, 2009)

msa said:


> This is why I feel so strongly about wearing my natural hair out for the world to see. That way anyone I'm involved with knows this is me and if they don't like it now they may as well keep it moving because I'm not relaxing or straightening for anyone.


 
I think the problem is when you change either physically or spiritually or even mentally.  How can you blame someone for wanting you to retain what attracted them to you in the first place.

Lets just say your BF LOVED your hair loved the kinks the coils the texture, couldn't keep his hands out of it, what ever and you did get married and suddenly relaxed your a hair and wore it bone straight.  Could you blame him for not being thrilled.  Hair is least important part of who I am but it IS a part.

YMMV


----------



## taz007 (Aug 23, 2009)

Double post ...............


----------



## FluffyRed (Aug 23, 2009)

Depends how you define success.

(do.not.want)

ETA - newsflash! Physical changes are inevitable. Good luck


----------



## Southernbella. (Aug 23, 2009)

TheGrimPhreaker said:


> WOOOOOOOWWWW.....that was too low for comfort.
> 
> Geez, why am I not surprised at women tearing each other down??



I have $50, via Paypal, for anyone who can link me to an all male forum with a thread similar to this one.


----------



## taz007 (Aug 23, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> You might want to read all the replies.



I read enough


----------



## msa (Aug 23, 2009)

As a single woman, what's rubbing me the wrong way is not that he has an opinion about her hair. As I've said before, your husband's feelings should be taken into account. Isn't that what marriage is about? It can't be a partnership if both people's feelings are not equally important.

What I don't understand is why relaxing is the only answer. If your DH enjoys straight styles, then straighten. But making a permanent change based on what he wants, even if you don't want the same thing, seems wrong to me.


----------



## Southernbella. (Aug 24, 2009)

taz007 said:


> I read enough



So then you noticed how many single women advised that she relax her hair? Why in the world are they still single? According to your theory, they should all be in successful marriages, right?


----------



## CocoBunny (Aug 24, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> Interesting...there have been a few married women in this thread, myself included, who have stated that we would not allow our husbands to dictate something like this.
> 
> Yall keep holding onto that notion, though. I guess it feels good to know that there are angry, manless black women out there hatin' on the married folks.


 
....................


----------



## taz007 (Aug 24, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> So then you noticed how many single women advised that she relax her hair? Why in the world are they still single? According to your theory, they should all be in successful marriages, right?



Did you read anywhere in my post where this was directed at the single ladies?


----------



## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 24, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> I have $50, via Paypal, for anyone who can link me to an all male forum with a thread similar to this one.




It'll never happen!!! And girl-- you hit it right on the head! Seems some of these women are holding on to the "Higher Than Thou" disease. ...Just keep on imagining angry, aggressive , manless black women are the ONLY ones that disagree with you....do just that if it helps you sleep better at night 

I honestly don't want "that type" of "successful marriage of kissing someone arse everytime they disagree with something I do. We just agree to disagree and move on. Whether I do what he says or not, men are liable to cheat anyway-- heck they cheat on some of the most beautiful women. Wakey wakey!


----------



## msa (Aug 24, 2009)

CocoBunny said:


> I think the problem is when you change either physically or spiritually or even mentally.  How can you blame someone for wanting you to retain what attracted them to you in the first place.
> 
> Lets just say your BF LOVED your hair loved the kinks the coils the texture, couldn't keep his hands out of it, what ever and you did get married and suddenly relaxed your a hair and wore it bone straight.  Could you blame him for not being thrilled.  Hair is least important part of who I am but it IS a part.
> 
> YMMV



No I wouldn't blame him for being less than thrilled about it. But that's different from him dictating what I do with my head. Like I said before, my issue is with the permanent nature of relaxing. I think he would rightfully be upset in that situation. But if all I did was flat iron, he'd have to deal with it until I washed my hair.

And what does YMMV mean? I've been wondering what that was for a while.


----------



## Southernbella. (Aug 24, 2009)

taz007 said:


> Did you read anywhere in my post where this was directed at the single ladies?



Ah, you're right. That was directed at the _married _ladies. My bad, chief.


----------



## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 24, 2009)

CocoBunny said:


> Married and Happily Married are not the same thing.  But  what ever works in YOUR marriage works in YOUR marraige.  I do wonder tho if the husbands are as content as their wives say they are...
> 
> YMMV



Right and those that say they are happily married aren't necessarily happy enough to keep the men from straying either.


----------



## taz007 (Aug 24, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> Ah, you're right. That was directed at the _married _ladies. My bad, chief.


Just because you are married doesn't mean that it is successful or happy as a couple people here have posted.

You know what they say about assuming ... .  'Cause you assumed wrong this time, Cap'n!


----------



## Kurlee (Aug 24, 2009)

and people were trying to debate how "important" hair is to black folk?  . People in here drawing lines in the sand and all


----------



## darlingdiva (Aug 24, 2009)

OP, I'm so sorry that you are in this situation.

Like other posters have mentioned, though, it doesn't sound like you're sure how you feel about your natural hair.  I think that you need to make that determination before you discuss this further with your husband.  You definitely need to have a *solid* position before you discuss this with him.  If not, he'll just have more things to throw at you.

Although I'm married, I've never been in your particular situation because my husband supports my hair decision.  I haven't had a perm since I was 19 but I used to get my hair pressed every two weeks, so he's used to seeing me in straight hairstyles.  

Four years later, I decided to stop pressing my hair so much because my hair had become extremely fragile (I didn't know very much about healthy hair care at that time, btw.)  I stopped going to the salon & started doing my own hair.  That's when my hair journey began.  It truly was a journey because someone else (either my mother or the stylist) had always done my hair.  I had to wash & condition my own hair & style it...on my own?  That was a whole new world for me.  I experimented with twist-outs & a lot of them did come out looking crazy, but I eventually learned how to make them look nice.

My husband loves my twist-outs.  He actually likes them better than my wigs (I have two curly wigs).  He wants me to wear my own hair more.  Despite his wish, I wear the wigs a lot b/c I'm in grad school & I can't neglect my work for my hair.

You know what's best for you & your marriage, though.  I wish you the best of luck.


----------



## Southernbella. (Aug 24, 2009)

CocoBunny said:


> Married and Happily Married are not the same thing.  But  what ever works in YOUR marriage works in YOUR marraige.  I do wonder tho if the husbands are as content as their wives say they are...
> 
> YMMV



OK, yall are reaching here. I can't even get mad because yall mostly just sound pathetic. You relax to keep your husband wanting you and only you?


----------



## Southernbella. (Aug 24, 2009)

taz007 said:


> Just because you are married doesn't mean that it is successful or happy as a couple people here have posted.
> 
> You know what they say about assuming ... .  'Cause you assumed wrong this time, Cap'n!



Happy Hair Growing!


----------



## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 24, 2009)

Imma unsubscribe from this post for two reasons--- 1) Its keeping me up all night trying to read everyone's reactions lol

2)Now it's gotten to the point to where people are questioning other people marriages just because they dont handle situations in the same manner (this has happened several times through out this thread not just one person). These are the things that make me think women can never really get along for long periods of time. It seems we are always tearing each other down, whether it be for hair, weight, clothes, marriage.. whatever happened to supporting each other? We are always so quick to point out flaws. A lil OT but, Men cheat no matter if you do everything they say or not. So as successful a marriage as you might think you have, doesn't mean it's not vulnerable to infidelity. Ive seen some of the best marriages fall and the woman never sees it comin. Just sayin. Have a good night ladies.


----------



## Mortons (Aug 24, 2009)

well, I'd like to thanks folk for letting me know right now what i dont want in a marriage. I especially dont want a push over who dyes her hair blue because I decided, on a whim, it looked best on her.


----------



## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 24, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> OK, yall are reaching here. I can't even get mad because yall mostly just sound pathetic. You relax to keep your husband wanting you and only you?


----------



## FluffyRed (Aug 24, 2009)

I'm glad my marriage was not necessary to validate me.

Tis all


----------



## kkamara5 (Aug 24, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> OK, yall are reaching here. I can't even get mad because yall mostly just sound pathetic. You relax to keep your husband wanting you and only you?


 

quick question....when you say "yall" are you refering to the women who are relaxed....or the women who believe that in a marriage both people should compromise to keep each other happy???


----------



## CocoBunny (Aug 24, 2009)

msa said:


> No I wouldn't blame him for being less than thrilled about it. But that's different from him dictating what I do with my head. Like I said before, my issue is with the permanent nature of relaxing. I think he would rightfully be upset in that situation. But if all I did was flat iron, he'd have to deal with it until I washed my hair.
> 
> And what does *YMMV* mean? I've been wondering what that was for a while.


 
*Y*our *M*ileage *M*ay *V*ary ( my way of saying my way and ideas may not work for you.)

By the way I agree with you relaxing is not the only option.  I guess I am wondering did  the OP DH  say he prefers straight hair or did he say you MUST chemically straighten your hair?  I'm thinking he might have just said I prefer you with straight hair and I think it looks better.  If that's what he said then I think that's healthy.  He felt comfortable enough to express a preference and to tell her what he honestly thought and felt.  

Has the OP posted an update or clarification?


----------



## msa (Aug 24, 2009)

dlove said:


> .  He told me that I looked better with straight hair and none, NONE of the natural styles I do or pay someone to do looks good on me.
> DH told me to make an appointment on Friday to get a relaxer and cut into a "style".    I wish I could have youtubed that conversation.
> 
> Been in my shoes?





CocoBunny said:


> *Y*our *M*ileage *M*ay *V*ary ( my way of saying my way and ideas may not work for you.)
> 
> By the way I agree with you relaxing is not the only option.  I guess I am wondering did  the OP DH  say he prefers straight hair or did he say you MUST chemically straighten your hair?  I'm thinking he might have just said I prefer you with straight hair and I think it looks better.  If that's what he said then I think that's healthy.  He felt comfortable enough to express a preference and to tell her what he honestly thought and felt.
> 
> Has the OP posted an update or clarification?



Ah, thanks for the explanation.

He said he likes her better with straight hair but he also said for her to make an appointment for a relaxer and cut. So...I dunno. She said she's going to talk to him (page 5 or 6 I think).


----------



## TayMac (Aug 24, 2009)

I think she did a lil' update and said her and her DH would discuss it tomorrow. Nice thread. I'll add..."how would you feel if I went natural" to my list of questions to ask men I date.


----------



## Bulletproof (Aug 24, 2009)

CocoBunny said:


> I think the problem is when you change either physically or spiritually or even mentally.  How can you blame someone for wanting you to retain what attracted them to you in the first place.
> 
> Lets just say your BF LOVED your hair loved the kinks the coils the texture, couldn't keep his hands out of it, what ever and you did get married and suddenly relaxed your a hair and wore it bone straight.  Could you blame him for not being thrilled.  Hair is least important part of who I am but it IS a part.
> 
> YMMV





msa said:


> No I wouldn't blame him for being less than thrilled about it. But that's different from him dictating what I do with my head. Like I said before, my issue is with the permanent nature of relaxing. I think he would rightfully be upset in that situation. But if all I did was flat iron, he'd have to deal with it until I washed my hair.
> 
> And what does YMMV mean? I've been wondering what that was for a while.



Your Mileage May Vary.

Quick question. I keep reading if that is how he met you, but isn't part of the beauty of finding your other half the growth and evolution you go through together? The personal growth and sometimes the physical  as well. It could be hair on the head or eyebrows but I don't think one should stay the same forever if they have found they would like to change. Now saying it is his preference because he is used to it is an acceptable statement to make, doesn't mean things should remain the same. My SO used to eat steak and tuna every day for dinner, alternating between the 2 now he has a variety and he has accepted the change and loves it. I went from thin eyebrows to thick and he has accepted it and thicks it complements my face. I went from APL wild hair to short sleek bob and he adjusted and loved it while I hated it. My point is one does not have to remain stagnant in the way they look because that is what they were when they were courting, unless some people still wear the same wardrobe from their courting days exclusively, I think we all know it is perfectly acceptable within a relationship to let your look evolve.


----------



## LisaLisa1908 (Aug 24, 2009)

We in here debating how happy a marriage is now, huh?  

OP, good luck.  I hope you and your DH come to a decision that works for the both of you.


----------



## msa (Aug 24, 2009)

kayex said:


> Your Mileage May Vary.
> 
> Quick question. I keep reading if that is how he met you, but isn't part of the beauty of finding your other half the growth and evolution you go through together? The personal growth and sometimes the physical  as well.




I completely agree with you.

People change. The whole point of being married is to be with someone who will support you through the changes.


----------



## Mortons (Aug 24, 2009)

If it wasnt hair we would not be debating this. If someones man told them they wanted them to make an appointment to get breast implants because he liked big breasts, I doubt we would see so many in his favor. To me its the same thing. Its a permanent change that someone does not want to make to keep the other happy. 
Or 
is it not such a big deal because a lot of people dont see relaxing hair to a person who wants to be natural a big deal?


----------



## CocoBunny (Aug 24, 2009)

kayex said:


> Your Mileage May Vary.
> 
> Quick question. I keep reading if that is how he met you, but isn't part of the beauty of finding your other half the growth and evolution you go through together? The personal growth and sometimes the physical as well. It could be hair on the head or eyebrows but I don't think one should stay the same forever if they have found they would like to change. Now saying it is his preference because he is used to it is an acceptable statement to make, doesn't mean things should remain the same. My SO used to eat steak and tuna every day for dinner, alternating between the 2 now he has a variety and he has accepted the change and loves it. I went from thin eyebrows to thick and he has accepted it and thicks it complements my face. I went from APL wild hair to short sleek bob and he adjusted and loved it while I hated it. My point is one does not have to remain stagnant in the way they look because that is what they were when they were courting, unless some people still wear the same wardrobe from their courting days exclusively, I think we all know it is perfectly acceptable within a relationship to let your look evolve.


 


Just because someone accepts something doesn't mean they don't still have a preference.

I like chicken.  If you gave me a tofu salad I'd accept it.  I'd still prefer chicken. 

My DH prefers that I'm not fat.  If I gained weight he'd accept it, but he'd prefer me less heavy. 

I prefer DH with a headfull of thick hair.  If he loses his hair I'll accept it, but I prefer lots of hair.

YMMV


----------



## HollyGolightly1982 (Aug 24, 2009)

Can't you just go online and buy a straight wig or two?


----------



## cabellera (Aug 24, 2009)

BillsBackerz67 said:


> As does hers. They need to come to come to happy medium I dont think she should completely do want he wants her to do to make him happy and then shes left with nothing for herself. What's next him saying he wants her to dye her hair? change her style of clothing?


 
Next? Hmmm, a boob job! Just kidding! 

IA, it is something that she and the hubby will have to discuss further, because in marriage your body is his....right? At least that's the vibe I'm getting from some in this thread. 

OP, you could just conform, have your hair pressed regularly and be done with it. Of course, he pays for the salon visits.


----------



## TayMac (Aug 24, 2009)

Good idea along with some others but it's a temporary fix. We don't know the full conversation between them, the tone, or the dynamics of the marriage. If he is against natural hair period...wearing a wig, straightening the hair 3 days a week is not going to appease.


----------



## msa (Aug 24, 2009)

Mortons said:


> *is it not such a big deal because a lot of people dont see relaxing hair to a person who wants to be natural a big deal?*




Exactly. 

Most black women will always support relaxers over natural hair...it doesn't matter if it's because of your husband or your shrinkage, you'll never run out of people who will support relaxing natural hair.


----------



## Southernbella. (Aug 24, 2009)

msa said:


> Exactly.
> 
> Most black women will always support relaxers over natural hair...it doesn't matter if it's because of your husband or your shrinkage, you'll never run out of people who will support relaxing natural hair.



Yep. All I keep seeing is support for _his _preference, but what about support for her preference?

I need to go to bed.


----------



## TayMac (Aug 24, 2009)

msa said:


> Exactly.
> 
> Most black women will always support relaxers over natural hair...it doesn't matter if it's because of your husband or your shrinkage, you'll never run out of people who will support relaxing natural hair.




add strongly encourage, suggest and demand


----------



## CocoBunny (Aug 24, 2009)

TayMac said:


> Good idea along with some others but it's a temporary fix. We don't know the full conversation between them, the tone, or the dynamics of the marriage. If he is against natural hair period...wearing a wig, straightening the hair 3 days a week is not going to appease.


 
For all we know it may not be that he's against her going natural.  It could be that it looks messy and she doesn't know how to style it.  Even natural hair needs to be styled.  I know I could NEVER leave the house with my WNG, they were a HAM.  My twist were horrid.  I looked unkempt.  That being said, I have looked a HAM with relaxed hair too, bone straight and greasy. Limp lifeless curls, Tore up ends.  So maybe the issue isn't relaxed or natural, maybe it's styled and unstyled?


----------



## kkamara5 (Aug 24, 2009)

vkb247 said:


> Couldn't you have started to get your hair done more often?


 

lol.......................hilarious..


----------



## Crackers Phinn (Aug 24, 2009)

AsianAfricanPrincess said:


> *Also, the older women get, the more conservative their style becomes. *



Naw girl, this is cute when you 35.


----------



## Bulletproof (Aug 24, 2009)

CocoBunny said:


> Just because someone accepts something doesn't mean they don't still have a preference.
> 
> I like chicken.  If you gave me a tofu salad I'd accept it.  I'd still prefer chicken.
> 
> ...



I did state in my post that it is perfectly fine not only for him to have a preference but also for him to state it, I ended that sentence with does not mean it should be so. I believe preferences are not rules in relationship, they are bits of knowledge to keep in mind and do what you will with them in your relationship. My point was to say the whole argument of her heading to get a relaxer because that was how they met has very little value when one considers that dynamics of relationships can, will and do change, not that preferences are not valued and should not be considered. I apologize if I did not state that clearly.


----------



## femmemuscle (Aug 24, 2009)

whoa!!! i just blinked and we're past the #350 posts mark..someone, please don't tell me we're goin' for 400.

What's the prize for the #400 poster?  

a straight wig?

how about a product give-away?!

who likes ORS Carrot Oil?


----------



## Southernbella. (Aug 24, 2009)

kkamara5 said:


> quick question....when you say "yall" are you refering to the women who are relaxed....or the women who believe that in a marriage both people should compromise to keep each other happy???



I was referring to the women who think you have to bow to your husbands every whim, regardless of how you feel, in order to have a happy/successful marriage. I was also referring to those who think they have the right to judge the strength of another person's marriage based on their opinions on a message board. Pathetic.


----------



## balancegoals2009 (Aug 24, 2009)

Wow OP ,  this thread have a lot of advice over 350 post for you  , going natural , weaving , braiding, young hair styles, being submissive ,  respect , black hair , white hair, single women not understanding , Married women knows everything and only can answer OP  question LOL, weight gain , losing weight, husband leaving you , happy couple, not finding you attractive, etc.. etc..  I hope they answer your questions , I found many of the post to be understanding of your concerns about your natural hair and concerns about your husband feeling , just take day by day and do what best work for you and your husband, as you stated have a discussion with him , be blessed my sister and yes I am a single older lady and we can give advice as well. LOL


----------



## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 24, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> I was referring to the women who think you have to bow to your husbands every whim, regardless of how you feel, in order to have a happy/successful marriage. I was also referring to those who think they have the right to judge the strength of another person's marriage based on their opinions on a message board. Pathetic.



I was waiting around for you to respond to that. And now, I can go to sleep laughing!!


----------



## GodMadeMePretty (Aug 24, 2009)

taz007 said:


> I am going to put in my two cents ...
> 
> (Disclaimer ..... I have not read ALL of the replies)
> 
> ...



Does everything here have to come down to denigrating someone else for having a different opinion?  I'm married.  I wouldn't DARE relax my hair because my DH asked me to.  He met me when I was relaxed.  I went natural 6 years ago.  He PREFERS natural hair but he never asked me to go natural even though he thinks they should NEVER be put on anyone's head.

Despite his preference for natural hair - he NEVER NEVER NEVER said to me - You need to make an appointment this Friday with the stylist to get the perm cut out of your hair; I don't like unnatural, permanently straightened hair.


----------



## sqzbly1908 (Aug 24, 2009)

Just wondering if the OP's husband would be willing to give up something that is just as important but of the OP's choosing....(If he is a sports fan - would he give up ESPN for as long as she kept a relaxer in her hair???) 

I just don't understand why men think our hair defines us....

My DH would trip about me getting my hair trimmed (in his mind it was a all out CUT)...I told him when he starts paying for my 'do then I will consider not trimming at every relaxer (when I used to go to the salon) ...it's straight give or take...

If I were the OP I would probably consider getting a BKT and my DH would totally pay for it.....he probably would not even know the difference, he's  looking for straight hair and this would not compromise her wanting to stay natural...


----------



## CocoBunny (Aug 24, 2009)

kayex said:


> I did state in my post that it is perfectly fine not only for him to have a preference but also for him to state it, I ended that sentence with does not mean it should be so. I believe preferences are not rules in relationship, they are bits of knowledge to keep in mind and do what you will with them in your relationship. My point was to say the whole argument of her heading to get a relaxer because that was how they met has very little value when one considers that dynamics of relationships can, will and do change, not that preferences are not valued and should not be considered. I apologize if I did not state that clearly.


 
You were quite clear. My post was meant to further express my opnion, but in no way diminish yours.

As always YMMV!


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## CocoBunny (Aug 24, 2009)

perplexed



Crackers Phinn said:


> Naw girl, this is cute when you 35.


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## Junebug D (Aug 24, 2009)

Nevermind!!! 

Good luck to the OP.


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## Mystic (Aug 24, 2009)

Wow, thank God my hubby is not into petty stuff such as how I wear my hair (natural or relaxed).  However, I totally understand the OP's dilemma because I have a brother that is notorious for telling his wife how to wear her hair, how to dress, and speak at certain events..., controlling, controlling!  I absolutely hated him for it; I thought he was the most selfish man on the planet!  My sister-in-law suffered a great deal during that time but..., like one poster said, she is the submissive type and OBEYS her husband to a fault, lol!  (DEFINITELY to EACH is OWN!).

She put up with this crap for years (I think they have been married for 25 years now).  Strangely, though, I think my brother began to develop a conscience or something because over the years he really changed.  Stuff that used to bug him a lot became insignificant over time; he really came into his own wonderfully.  

OP, I wish you all the best in working things out.  Whatever the issue you are going through now, won't be as significant a couple years down the road.


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## femmemuscle (Aug 24, 2009)

okay...#363..


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## Sweetyb (Aug 24, 2009)

Hey dlove!

I'm sorry you're going through this, but as an almost 10 yr natural I can relate!  I can't say that my experience relates to yours exactly, but I can at least tell it.  I struggled for years to make my natural hair look 'presentable,' but I was not successful because of the fact that I was still learning my natural hair.  I blogged about it for many years about my trials and errors with certain hairstyles.  I also blogged about the negative comments that I could get from family members who did not approve of my natural hair.  I turned these negative comments, as hard as it was to do, into constructive criticism and pushed myself to better care for my natural hair.  I'd take the "you need to relax your hair before all of your hair falls off" comments to *hmm, let me experiment with some new products and try to perfect my twistout* ... and soon enough (years later) I haven't really heard any negative comment.  Part of it was showing people that I wasn't budging, and the other part of it was loving my hair even more and doing what I could to make it even more beautiful.  

The fact that DH is telling you to make an appointment to relax your hair makes me wonder why he would take it upon himself to 'tell' you what to do with your hair?  I ask this because when I would complain to my parents about how stubborn my hair was, or walk around the house with my natural hair unkempt.  This gave them unwarranted 'permission' to tell me what to do with my hair because they thought they were helping me resolve my 'problem.'  So I stopped mentioning any problems I may have been having with my hair in the presence of these individuals and brought it to these boards instead.  If you really don't want to get a relaxer, you need to tell him and be careful not to give him any reason why he should advice you on your own hair in the future.  (keep in mind, I'm not married!)

Lastly, as far as hairstyles, I understand what you mean when you say that you feel like a young girl with some hairstyles.  I believe that with any hair texture there is a thing called 'age appropriate' hairstyles.  Twists on a grown woman can be styled different than twists on a young girl.  I hope to put some examples up on my website so that people can get my visual!!

Either way, I hope that you renew, or maintain, your confidence in your natural hair.  It's hard when the very people around you don't approve of your hairstyles or hairstyle attempts.  It's not encouraging.  For me, I was blessed to have gone natural just after high school, and my time in college allowed for me to experiment with my hair because my classmates won't judge me the same as colleagues might had I transitioned as a working professional.  Even if you decide to relax, let it be your own decision, because like another poster said you don't want to resent him if you don't like your new found hairstyle... or even be too scared to return to natural.  You can always use the wonderful women on these boards to keep you encouraged!!


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## kkamara5 (Aug 24, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> I was referring to the women who think you have to bow to your husbands every whim, *regardless of how you feel, in order to have a happy/successful marriage*. I was also referring to those who think they have the right to judge the strength of another person's marriage based on their opinions on a message board. Pathetic.


 

True...however,....I guess I dont feel as strong as you on the topic...and maybe thats why our opinions differ....I have natural 4b hair that I love and take tender love and care for.....I also have a fiance that makes me happy and has been there for me in so many ways I cant even begin to reflect...Ultimately when it boils down to it...if I were ever in a situation where my fiance perfered a certain look on me..I would not hesitate to try and "compromise" coming to a decision that makes us both happy...me doing so does not mean I dont stand up for myself, or that I do everything my fiance asks of me....k......but ....whatever floats your boat...I'm not knocking your views cause you have all the right...I'm only asking that you try and respect the views of others....degrading by caliing others' views as "pathetic" is uncalled for....JMHO..


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## NappyMD (Aug 24, 2009)

Well, though I have my strong views about relaxers and the development of the black aesthetic, at the end of the day it is all about equality. It is fair for one to change her hair to suit her SO, as long as he is willing to do the same for her. Similarly, it makes since that if the marriage is set up where she doesn't tell him how to do his hair/dress, he won't be allowed to either. Only disparities are degrading, IMHO.  This is a difficult issue though, because for myself and many others, asking us to relax is asking us to change religions or vote for McCain. 

I actually think this could be a thought-provoking, worthwhile thread if it were not so emotionally charged that so much hostility erupted


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## Bluetopia (Aug 24, 2009)

I naively thought we'd beat this dead horse to death a couple hundred replies ago....so imagine my surprise when i logged on a lil while ago to a mailbox with private messages from people telling me of the downward spiral of this convo and asking me to post/re-post my responses.

For them....I am reposting....but it looks like every 10 pages a new person who hasnt read the previous comments comes in...says something inflammatory that was just squashed and the same issue keep getting debated as if for the first time all over again. 

* insert deep yawn * 

 g'nite ladies 



#1


Bluetopia said:


> can i just point out that the opinions on this topic vary amongst the married women too??? and that there isnt a universal married woman's opinion.
> 
> the insinuation that some of the differences in opinions are linked to whether a woman is married or single doesn't feel right to me
> 
> ...


 
#2


Bluetopia said:


> no worries hun!
> 
> i could tell you didn't mean any offense. it's just that soon thereafter the "don't listen to anyone who dont have a man" stuff started and thats rang unfair to me.
> 
> ...


 
#3



JayAnn0513 said:


> I don't think anyone without a husband can relate to this situation, nor should they be giving advice. My husband's opinion regarding my hair, clothing, makeup, etc. all matter. If I hated his hair, clothes, etc. I'd expect him to take my opnion under serious consideration and I would do the same.


 


Bluetopia said:


> i adamentaly disagree with this sentiment and wonder if you read every single post on this thread before saying it.
> 
> who are YOU to say what someone can relate to?
> 
> ...


 
and there u have it

*fades to black*


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## RENIBELL (Aug 24, 2009)

dear op, dont know if anyone already mentioned this, but what about braids? and staright styles? you could try these to buy some time and see if dh is happy with this, Good luck whatever you decide, its better he tells you how he feels than keep it all in and react in other ways.


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## Freespirit02 (Aug 24, 2009)

Umm..WHAT!! Okay..it would of been on like donkey kong! He shouldn't have said those things to you...that wasn't very nice. Anyway..why don't u put some kinky twist in your hair...with a weave or something. 
Btw..ask your husband has he ever seen some relaxed women hair that looked like BOOO!? If he says no..hmm, then you know buddy has been brainwashed!


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## tocktick (Aug 24, 2009)

AsianAfricanPrincess said:


> I can only speak for myself here.  I do look more childish when I wear my natural hair out.  This is the only time I get carded.  This is the only time that I'm not referred to as "madame" or "ma'am".  So there is a reason for that, whether or not I agree with it.
> 
> Also, the older women get, the more conservative their style becomes.  It's as simple as that.  I'm speaking about social norms here; that's not to say that this is the general rule for everyone, in every society.
> 
> ...



Ok, I'm not arguing whether high ponytails are a childish style or not. I also was not arguing that loose naturals styles were considered conservative enough for the workplace nor was I even even arguing that loose natural styles equalled X, Y, Z. Much of the things you are bringing up now and brought up before (specifically the working world) don't have much to do with my original post. I was merely responding to SouthernBella who stated she looked mature with her hair. I expounded by saying how you look was in the way you style your hair (something which you manage to do yourself at work) but you deleted that part of my post when replying to me. Anyway in my last response to you, I more or less agreed with the vast majority of what you said!  So I'm confused as to why you seem to be insinuating in this post that I was not.

All in all, my first (and 2nd) post was nothing to do with whether big and out styles were workplace appropriate or anything about high ponytails. Maybe you brought that up because of OP's predicament but I will state now that my post went off topic. It was about certain loose styles not having to necessarily look young if one was to style them differently - yes, a loose "freeform" twistout may look young on someone but pin them up and they will probably project a different image. I was never stating that one could wear their hair in any which way loose (imo, loose = not wearing twists, braids etc. So a pinned up twistout still equals loose) and it would look automatically mature/sophisticated etc. It was the opposite, in fact . As for older women, their only option isn't to leave their hair loose" (which in your terms is "up and out", so that's what I mean by "loose" in this instance). Natural hair can look conservative (however one defines that) if one so wishes to style their hair in that way - for someone women that means a low TWA and for others it means buns etc.

I don't really see where we are disagreeing in your posts or why bringing up the corporate world was relevant to my original post in your eyes. If you do think I was disagreeing with you all this time, lets agree to disagree because I don't get the direction in which you took my post and my subsequent post or why Yaya wasn't a relevant example to the point *I *was trying to make.


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## Spongie Bloom (Aug 24, 2009)

*It always boggles my mind when someone says something rude or offensive to someone but then qualifies it with 'no offense' Are people who do that not intelligent enough to realise that what they said is mean before they click send or is it just making nice*


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## butterfly_wings (Aug 24, 2009)

I find some of the comments on this thread disturbing. It reminds me of this thread!

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=382612&highlight= 

To add, some people comments are just plain rude!! I'm very surprised, mental note of who to put on my ignore list.

Mods, please lock this down


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## TheGrimPhreaker (Aug 24, 2009)

loveurself84 said:


> _*Umm..WHAT!! Okay..it would of been on like donkey kong!*_ He shouldn't have said those things to you...that wasn't very nice. Anyway..why don't u put some kinky twist in your hair...with a weave or something.
> Btw..ask your husband has he ever seen some relaxed women hair that looked like BOOO!? If he says no..hmm, then you know buddy has been brainwashed!



Careful now..... you might get called and angry black woman....


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## Kayluv (Aug 24, 2009)

While I am sorry that you are going through this I too agree that this is between you and your husband period! This is not about popular opinion, society viewpoints or self  hatred (gimme a break!)...your husband just sounds as if he likes what he likes!   Have a calm talk with him and express yourself.   

Your husband does have a right to have an opinion...yeah, yeah, yeah this is not the most popular opinion these days, but I am all for a strife free home and doing one's part in creating the most happy marriage possible.  Marriage is hard enough all on it's own without throwing minor details into the mix.


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## beans4reezy (Aug 24, 2009)

Good Morning Ladies

We are still at it, huh   ????


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## Hairsnob (Aug 24, 2009)

asuperwoman said:


> Yeah, this is the 21st century, which is why i said my opinion would be contrary to some on this board. Which is why I further elaborated that OP should work this out between her and DH. My opinion really doesn't matter when it comes to HER marriage. I hope there is a happy medium.
> 
> *But, if it were me and I had to choose between being natural and making my husband happy - DH wins every time. I'd rather be relaxed and happily married than natural and unhappily married. That's just me though- to each his own*.


 
I agree, she's married and she has to keep her husband happy. Of course you wouldn't do this for a SO or BF but this is her husband. One thing I've learned is that if he's being honest and telling her what he prefers then you should try to make it work to keep things alive.  Of course try the flat-ironing/blowouts first but if that's too much trouble then I'd try my best to be as appealing to him as I could and if that meant getting relaxed then so be it. This is a reasonable request and not something silly like dying your hair green or getting a Mohawk. I'd hate to have my man do something like shave his beard or mustache off and not care whether or not I liked it. 

Remember, men are very VISUAL creatures and there is a difference between them and us. It may be old fashioned to think this way but this is your husband and you do what you can to keep the peace between you two. But I really think a weekly flat-iron will be a good compromise.

HTH


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## girlyprincess23 (Aug 24, 2009)

I agree perhaps a happy medium.....BKT.........press and curl ( a few times a month)?


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## discodumpling (Aug 24, 2009)

Wow! We're still at it huh? Nothing like coffee & stimulating conversation 1st thing in the morn


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## Southernbella. (Aug 24, 2009)

kkamara5 said:


> True...however,....I guess I dont feel as strong as you on the topic...and maybe thats why our opinions differ....I have natural 4b hair that I love and take tender love and care for.....I also have a fiance that makes me happy and has been there for me in so many ways I cant even begin to reflect...Ultimately when it boils down to it...if I were ever in a situation where my fiance perfered a certain look on me..I would not hesitate to try and "compromise" coming to a decision that makes us both happy...me doing so does not mean I dont stand up for myself, or that I do everything my fiance asks of me....k......but ....whatever floats your boat...I'm not knocking your views cause you have all the right...I'm only asking that you try and respect the views of others....degrading by caliing others' views as "pathetic" is uncalled for....JMHO..


 

Here's the thing...I'm all for compromise, which I've said from the beginning. I did compromise for my dh, letting him know that I would straighten my hair periodically, and I do that, for him and for me. But no, I wouldn't take a razor to my head simply because my dh told me to. There's compromise and then there's obedience. I'm a grown woman, not a puppy.

As far as your last point goes, I'm not taking back pathetic when said posters were putting down others' marriages and insinuating that their husbands weren't happy. When you can't disagree without throwing out "angry black woman", "you must be single", or "I can tell who's marriage is happy and who's isn't", then yes, you are pathetic and I won't apologize for that. 

Plenty of us disagreed early on in the thread, but it didn't get out of hand until people on one side started being condescending and throwing out the aforementioned insults. And you're talking to _me_ about respecting others' views?


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## chiprecious (Aug 24, 2009)

JayAnn0513 said:


> I don't think anyone without a husband can relate to this situation, nor should they be giving advice. My husband's opinion regarding my hair, clothing, makeup, etc. all matter. If I hated his hair, clothes, etc. I'd expect him to take my opnion under serious consideration and I would do the same.


 
I agree and as a married woman, I'm going to comment.  I'm transitioning and one the the hardest parts is my husband.  In his words, he only likes straight hair, no fros, twistouts or none of that.  However, how far are we as women willing to go to please our men.  How far are they willing to go to please us visually??  My DH could stand to lose 20 lbs.  He knows how I feel about it but he's rather sit and eat Chunky Monkey Ice Cream.  In my mind, if he cared enough to please me and workout, maybe I'd be more willing to Maxiglide every week.  Until then, I do what makes me happy and keeps him PLEASANT.  

Men can be so demanding physically but dang...get a mirror!!


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## envybeauty (Aug 24, 2009)

Did Q post in this thread?  Her hair is long and she is natural.  Married for years.

I find it interesting that folks have stated that some natural styles look kiddish (as in for young people really).  Never thought about it before but not surprised.  The only time society is exposed to such styles (without a second thought) is when they encounter the millions of black girls walking around with natural hair....in puffs, plaits, etc.  Come a certain age, most Black women have "straight" hair (relaxed, weaved, pressed).  So it is really no wonder folks (Black and white) associate certain natural styles as kiddish.

Damn.  

All the more reason for me to transition now and not 20 years from now. 

OP, if u are still reading, .......... find some fotkis of natural haired ladies and show him pics of grown women with nice natural styles.  Mook comes to mind.


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## Bunny77 (Aug 24, 2009)

msa said:


> Oh I completely agree with you.
> 
> I just don't understand people saying that BKT is a compromise when it essentially does the same thing as a relaxer and it uses chemicals as well.
> 
> ...



Yes, how is BKT a compromise? If I'm natural, it means I don't want straight hair. The most "compromise" that might be happening on my part is to get a press "maybe" once a month, but if I went natural, it's because I like wearing my hair curly/kinky/nappy or whatever you want to call it. I'm not doing anything to make it straight longer than a week!  


Okay, so anyway, I've been reading this thread and have so many thoughts... I'll try to do bullet points.

-Yes, I'm all about compromise and understanding in a marriage. However, I guess I'm not all that sympathetic to a man's "preferences" for straight hair when he doesn't have straight hair growing out of his own darn head either. When a man "prefers" that his woman spend hours in a salon putting a chemical on her head that is capable of causing scalp burns and spend a bunch of money doing so... just so that her hair doesn't show off any dreaded signs of African heritage, yeah, you better believe I'm not all that understanding.

If a woman wants to straighten/relax/BKT, then I'm cool with that. If a woman decides that she wants to wear her hair THE WAY GOD MADE IT GROW OUT OF HER HEAD -- AND HER HUSBAND'S TOO (if he's black), then her man's "dislike" of it shows that perhaps HE needs to deal with some of his own issues about how blackness is supposed to look.

-That being said, he has a right to not like the bait-and-switch. If he got with her relaxed and now she's natural, yeah, he might feel like he got had. So his acceptance might not be immediate, I get that. As another poster said, this is why I present my natural appearance 99.9999999% of the time so that when I meet men, they know what they're getting and they can't come back later and tell me that they preferred how my hair looked when we met.

-Super-controversial part: I love black people. I really do. But reading so many of these posts make me so glad that I don't have too many of "us" responsible for my employment, my progress up the corporate ladder or my emotional fulfillment, because I would be a basketcase having to be around people who feel the need to "inform" me that my GOD-GIVEN hair texture is "unacceptable" and that they "hate it."  Yes, even I as a 3C have gotten that... to think that my own people would limit me because of the texture that we all have is really just sickening to me, and thank goodness that I haven't had to deal with anything remotely close to this since, oh, 2007?

Thank goodness. I've never had this problem with any of my white SOs...


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## GodMadeMePretty (Aug 24, 2009)

JayAnn0513 said:


> *I don't think anyone without a husband can relate to this situation, nor should they be giving advice. *My husband's opinion regarding my hair, clothing, makeup, etc. all matter. If I hated his hair, clothes, etc. I'd expect him to take my opnion under serious consideration and I would do the same.



This is an extremely divisive and unproductive comment.


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## FluffyRed (Aug 24, 2009)

GodMadeMePretty said:


> This is an extremely divisive and unproductive comment.


 
True.  I can't imagine being the kind of person who has to wave the fact that they're married over the heads of others.

This same dynamic can occur in any LT relationship, whether that relationship is legally sanctioned or not.


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## LushLox (Aug 24, 2009)

There's a certain kind of irony to people saying "if you're not married then you're not going to understand."  Well what about the married women up in here who have an opposing view of being told what to do? 

Interesting logic...


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## honeybuni84 (Aug 24, 2009)

Bunny  you stop that right now, you know u making to much sense lol
 all of my white  suitors  love my natural hair too


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## taz007 (Aug 24, 2009)

taz007 said:


> I am going to put in my two cents ...
> 
> I can definitely tell who has a _*successful*_ marriage based on what has been posted.


 
Sigh...

Let me expound on what I meant by the above statement as all kinds of things are being read into it and assumptions are being made.

I did NOT say that those not in agreement with the way I would handle it do not have successful marriages.

*It is my belief that those that stated that they would DISCUSS this with their husbands and would come to a mutual agreement are going to have happy marriages.  That is what is meant by the above statement.  NOTHING MORE.*

As far as MY marriage is concerned, my hair is not a serious enough issue for me to cause strife in my marriage.  I have other issues on which I will not budge.

If anyone was offended, that was not my intent.

Hope that was clear.

Now, I am going to be like the other ladies that I admire and unsubscribe.


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## Bunny77 (Aug 24, 2009)

TheGrimPhreaker said:


> You know what? Im sorry but I gotta say this-- I have only had problems like this with black men. Now I will say that there are some black men that will kill for a natural sista, but my man (who happens to be white) and others before him (either white or asian), did not have a problem with my hair. It was alway the black men who tried to change me ("why don't you straighten your hair?"). This is not a case of having a man or not-- I doubt everyone that doesn't have a man be it bf or husband lost them due to having a brain thus being able to make their own decisions. There are MANY women that cater to their men and still get cheated on, or just plain left in the dust. People are saying "Relaxing your hair is not a big deal to save your marriage", well is it not true that his wife wanting natural hair shouldn't cause strife in the marriage either?



Went back to read what I missed yesterday... girl....  

I feel ya!!!


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## DDTexlaxed (Aug 24, 2009)

I can relate, DLove.  I am praying that your decision will please both you and your hubby. Be blessed and happy!


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## Lady Kay 21 (Aug 24, 2009)

Try to talk to your husband and make him understand that whether natural or  relaxed, you are the SAME person and thats all that matters.  As a husband he may not like certain things, but if it make you happy, then his job is to SUPPORT you  and be there for you no matter what.


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## Bluetopia (Aug 24, 2009)

........psssst

how would someone go about getting a thread padlocked?

hypothetically speaking of course


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## almond eyes (Aug 24, 2009)

Only in America!!!!!!! In some parts of Africa, women are begging their husbands to get relaxers in order not to be called old fashion. 

Why doesn't natural hair look good on every black woman?? This is the hair texture we were born with. In the 70's everyone was dying to have the perfect fro, so this tells me that the whole thing about not looking good with natural hair now is completely media and cutural driven whether we as black women throughout the world want to accept that or not. All of these issues will definitely be explored when Chris Rock's movie comes out. 

What about if your hair can't take relaxers then your hair looks whacked??? Then that will be another issue. Then you need a wig or lacefront to look presentable but then the husband doesn't like fake hair. 

Not trying to tell you either to bust up your relationship over hair either. But gee whiz. Give a black woman a break!!!!. In Senegal women are bleaching their beautiful ebony skin because their husbands want them to be brown and light skinned. 

I thank goodness that my hair could never take relaxers so most of the times my hair has been seen in a natural state or braid extensions so I only attract men who would like those hair styles and my own personal style and know that about me from the beginning, no surprises. 

I work in an international and professional environment and no person has ever made a comment about my hair.  

Best,
Almond Eyes


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## shocol (Aug 24, 2009)

Bunny77 said:


> If a woman wants to straighten/relax/BKT, then I'm cool with that. If a woman decides that she wants to wear her hair THE WAY GOD MADE IT GROW OUT OF HER HEAD -- _*AND HER HUSBAND'S TOO (if he's black), then her man's "dislike" of it shows that perhaps HE needs to deal with some of his own issues about how blackness is supposed to look.*_



DISCLAIMER:  This is not a comment or judgement on the OP's marriage or husband.  Just something I have noticed in this thread and IRL in general.

I've seen countless threads on relaxed vs. natural issue on this board.  All kinds of accusations thrown around, hard feelings, and unreasonable expectations that we subject other black women to.  However, in this thread, I've seen a BM's view on natural hair labeled as like/dislikes, preferences, or the catchall, "wifely duties."

Why the kinder, gentler treatment when a black male declares it a preference ?  Why all the tiptoeing around why he doesn't like natural hair?


----------



## ladytee2 (Aug 24, 2009)

The bottom line is you have to live with your husband.  A good compromise would be roller set, flat iron, or press.  You can do all these things and still maintain healthy long natuarl hair.  

You could have a discusion with him on the view of hair how is comments made you feel.


----------



## Kurlee (Aug 24, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> Here's the thing...I'm all for compromise, which I've said from the beginning. I did compromise for my dh, letting him know that I would straighten my hair periodically, and I do that, for him and for me. But no, I wouldn't take a razor to my head simply because my dh told me to. There's compromise and then there's obedience.* I'm a grown woman, not a puppy.*
> 
> As far as your last point goes, I'm not taking back pathetic when said posters were putting down others' marriages and insinuating that their husbands weren't happy. When you can't disagree without throwing out "angry black woman", "you must be single", or "I can tell who's marriage is happy and who's isn't", then yes, you are pathetic and I won't apologize for that.
> 
> Plenty of us disagreed early on in the thread, but it didn't get out of hand until people on one side started being condescending and throwing out the aforementioned insults. And you're talking to _me_ about respecting others' views?


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## Sharpened (Aug 24, 2009)

adlock:adlock2:


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## Kurlee (Aug 24, 2009)

shocol said:


> DISCLAIMER:  This is not a comment or judgement on the OP's marriage or husband.  Just something I have noticed in this thread and IRL in general.
> 
> I've seen countless threads on relaxed vs. natural issue on this board.  All kinds of accusations thrown around, hard feelings, and unreasonable expectations that we subject other black women to.  However, in this thread, I've seen a BM's view on natural hair labeled as like/dislikes, preferences, or the catchall, "wifely duties."
> 
> Why the kinder, gentler treatment when a black male declares it a preference ?  *Why all the tiptoeing around why he doesn't like natural hair?*


Because perhaps many value what a man thinks of them, moreso than what they think of themselves. It is a really sad state of affairs (societally) when a woman's real hair is up for debate and discussion in a relationship and is even an issue. That's like telling someone their eye colour should be different because they prefer it, or skin should be darker/lighter because they prefer it. Black women have no control over the hair that grows out of their head unless they chemical it up or heat it up. Period.  The fact that some are apologetic and need to appease a man over it...... I just don't know what to think about that.


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## Kurlee (Aug 24, 2009)

what's so bad about this thread that it needs to be locked. People are disagreeing, but no one has really crossed the line?


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## pookaloo83 (Aug 24, 2009)

I hate when people try to lock the OP's thread. She didn't ask for it so your opinion doesn't matter.


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## Charz (Aug 24, 2009)

pookaloo83 said:


> I hate when people try to lock the OP's thread. She didn't ask for it so your opinion doesn't matter.


 
ITA!! Amen!!


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## Neith (Aug 24, 2009)

Kurlee said:


> Because perhaps many value what a man thinks of them, moreso than what they think of themselves. It is a really sad state of affairs (societally) when a woman's real hair is up for debate and discussion in a relationship and is even an issue. That's like telling someone their eye colour should be different because they prefer it, or skin should be darker/lighter because they prefer it. Black women have no control over the hair that grows out of their head unless they chemical it up or heat it up. Period.  The fact that some are apologetic and need to appease a man over it...... I just don't what to think about that.



Well said  

You don't have to lose yourself in your man.

Be nice, but don't be a doormat. (generally speaking)


----------



## SignatureBeauty (Aug 24, 2009)

WOW!!

What made him decide after two years of being natural that he don't like it? have you tried other styles? if he wants to pay for a relaxer, why not go and get it flat ironed out every once in awhile? I am married and have been Bald headed, Relaxed, Natural and not one time did my husband say a word, he might have shook his head but that is about all he done, We are here to make each other happy and make compromises, I need to be happy to.

My husband encoraged me to stay natural, as to where my sister husband refuses to let her go natural so he pays for all beauty shop appointments and upkeep.

I am sorry you are going thru this, but it is sad to see how our hair can come between so many things and so many issues,  our hair has seperated us from each other.


----------



## Neith (Aug 24, 2009)

SignatureBeauty said:


> WOW!!
> 
> What made him decide after two years of being natural that he don't like it? have you tried other styles?



I found that to be strange too.  Why now?  That's why I perceived it to be more of a whim on his part.  Like he just woke up one day and was like... I want my wife to have straight hair.

Or maybe it was building up all this time?

See, we don't know all the info either.  Hopefully you two have sat down and talked everything out!


----------



## Bunny77 (Aug 24, 2009)

shocol said:


> DISCLAIMER:  This is not a comment or judgement on the OP's marriage or husband.  Just something I have noticed in this thread and IRL in general.
> 
> I've seen countless threads on relaxed vs. natural issue on this board.  All kinds of accusations thrown around, hard feelings, and unreasonable expectations that we subject other black women to.  However, in this thread, I've seen a BM's view on natural hair labeled as like/dislikes, preferences, or the catchall, "wifely duties."
> 
> Why the kinder, gentler treatment when a black male declares it a preference ?  Why all the tiptoeing around why he doesn't like natural hair?



Thank you.    (And I co-sign your disclaimer as well... I'm speaking in general terms.)

Seriously, let's get real with this. This isn't a matter of preferring Coke over Pepsi or something like that. Or Mountain Dew over Pepsi (since those are a little more different).

Taking this outside of the marriage realm, a few posters in this thread have said that black men IN GENERAL have felt the need to comment on the way black women they barely know wear their hair -- typically either how long it is or the texture. This was just stated as, "That's how it is."

But seriously, do black women not see something SERIOUSLY WRONG with this picture??? That we just say, "Oh, black men have a preference for straight, long hair," and go on about our day... why do black men (and many black women) prefer something that they DO NOT HAVE? (texture-wise, I mean... we can get length!)

And then, for said BM to lord over BW with this "preference" for something that is NOT a characteristic that 99.999999% of black people possess... we're just supposed to let that go and say, "He has his preferences?" like we're talking Miller Lite vs. Bud Light or Coke vs. Pepsi?

Nuh uh. Sorry. 

The saddest things I've read -- although I'm not hard on the BW who say so -- is when single BW who WANT to go natural say that they won't because they feel that they then won't be able to find a black husband.

Wow. Just wow. That's 200000 degrees of fluggery right there... that so many BW even feel they have to go there to get a BM who has the same naps on his head. 

But those BW aren't really far off the mark in feeling the way they do.


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## Kurlee (Aug 24, 2009)

Bunny77 said:


> Thank you.    (And I co-sign your disclaimer as well... I'm speaking in general terms.)
> 
> Seriously, let's get real with this. This isn't a matter of preferring Coke over Pepsi or something like that. Or Mountain Dew over Pepsi (since those are a little more different).
> 
> ...


The thing is men who have the same "naps", cut their hair so low and so often that you never see their hair texture and when you do they have brushed the hell out of it and put that crap on it to get "waves", so they have their own hair issues, but they don't acknowledge it and most people overlook it.


----------



## LiberianGirl (Aug 24, 2009)

Bunny77 said:


> -Super-controversial part: I love black people. I really do. But reading so many of these posts make me so glad that I don't have too many of "us" responsible for my employment, my progress up the corporate ladder or my emotional fulfillment, because I would be a basketcase having to be around people who feel the need to "inform" me that *my GOD-GIVEN hair texture is "unacceptable" and that they "hate it*." Yes, even I as a 3C have gotten that... *to think that my own people would limit me because of the texture that we all have is really just sickening to me,* and thank goodness that I haven't had to deal with anything remotely close to this since, oh, 2007?


 
THIS...........................


----------



## kkamara5 (Aug 24, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> Here's the thing...I'm all for compromise, which I've said from the beginning. I did compromise for my dh, letting him know that I would straighten my hair periodically, and I do that, for him and for me. But no, I wouldn't take a razor to my head simply because my dh told me to. There's compromise and then there's obedience. I'm a grown woman, not a puppy.
> 
> As far as your last point goes, I'm not taking back pathetic when said posters were putting down others' marriages and insinuating that their husbands weren't happy. *When you can't disagree without throwing out "angry black woman", "you must be single",* or "I can tell who's marriage is happy and who's isn't", then yes, you are pathetic and I won't apologize for that.
> 
> Plenty of us disagreed early on in the thread, but it didn't get out of hand until people on one side started being condescending and throwing out the aforementioned insults. And you're talking to _me_ about respecting others' views?


 

"Angry black Woman" was written to express how a majority of whites,asian,even our own black men view us as black women. It was not used to suggest that anyone on LHCF was an "angry black woman". What I meant by that comment was you dont have to become violent or aggressive to prove to your husband that you have a point. There are so many other ways to enlighten him or get him to try and understand your decision, Respectfully and peacefully.... k....

As far as the "you must be single" comment....through my observations, marriages tend to fail when one or both individuals involved in it refuse to compromise on decisions....The fact that this particular poster did not want to compromise in anyway because she felt as if her feelings about her hair was all that mattered says alot about how she possibly viewed other more important decisions as well...having a mindset similar to that will not work in any relationship in the long run...I have never met a man that wanted a woman that would not compromise, or is extremly difficult to deal with...in fact, most men run from such....

Me using "Angry Black Woman" or "you must be single" was in an effort to prove a point, not to degrade anyone on LHCF.....my views are *MY* views and I too will not apologize for them......k....


----------



## Bunny77 (Aug 24, 2009)

Kurlee said:


> The thing is men who have the same "naps", cut their hair so low and so often that you never see their hair texture and when you do they have brushed the hell out of it and put that crap on it to get "waves", so they have their own hair issues, but they don't acknowledge it and most people overlook it.



That's true!

Can I start seeing more brothas with some hair? Does every brotha have to wear a Caesar or a baldie? I mean, those looks are quite handsome, but can I see some variety, please?  

I love some HAIR period!


----------



## Kurlee (Aug 24, 2009)

Bunny77 said:


> That's true!
> 
> Can I start seeing more brothas with some hair? Does every brotha have to wear a Caesar or a baldie? I mean, those looks are quite handsome, but can I see some variety, please?
> 
> I love some HAIR period!


Me too. I can't stand the super low hair and prefer it when it grows out. I have asked a few dudes why they cut their hair off so much and they said because  they don't have "good hair" or said that's for the mixed dudes. So umm they have their own hair issues as well, it's just not talked about really. I notice though most of the guys I do see with hair longer than a caesar usually have 3c/4a and down hair. I rarely see someone with 4b hair let their texture show. Our hair is beautiful, I just wish I could see it more on MEN and WOMEN. I do admit though, it does take a trained eye to see the beauty in all hair. Very few people can do that without having to do some work on themselves to undo the whole "black hair issues" that has been a dark cloud hanging over us.


----------



## LushLox (Aug 24, 2009)

SignatureBeauty said:


> WOW!!
> 
> *What made him decide after two years of being natural that he don't like it?*have you tried other styles? if he wants to pay for a relaxer, why not go and get it flat ironed out every once in awhile? I am married and have been Bald headed, Relaxed, Natural and not one time did my husband say a word, he might have shook his head but that is about all he done, We are here to make each other happy and make compromises, I need to be happy to.
> 
> ...





Neith said:


> I found that to be strange too.  Why now?  That's why I perceived it to be more of a whim on his part.  Like he just woke up one day and was like... I want my wife to have straight hair.
> 
> Or maybe it was building up all this time?
> 
> See, we don't know all the info either.  Hopefully you two have sat down and talked everything out!



To be fair to the OP's husband I'm pretty sure IIRC that dlove didn't consult her husband, she just came home with a TWA (correct me if I'm wrong OP).  So in fairness, that would be a lot for even the most liberal of men to come to terms with.

So lesson learned here - it's good to talk!


----------



## Hairsofab (Aug 24, 2009)

Relax it.............


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## kkamara5 (Aug 24, 2009)

Bosinse said:


> Relax it.............


 



girl watch out now....the "womans power movement"....."no man can tell me what to do" ...might come bite your head off..........


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## envybeauty (Aug 24, 2009)

nm......................


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## envybeauty (Aug 24, 2009)

Kurlee said:


> The thing is men who have the same "naps", cut their hair so low and so often that you never see their hair texture and when you do they have brushed the hell out of it and put that crap on it to get "waves", so they have their own hair issues, but they don't acknowledge it and most people overlook it.




yup.  a lot of Black men get their hair cut every week or two in a caesar or low fade so they don't "remember" what their hair looks like when it is grown out. especially when they have been doing so for YEARS. 

Just like relaxed hair ladies who don't "know" how their hair coils bc they relax every 6 weeks for YEARS.


----------



## Ramya (Aug 24, 2009)

Bosinse said:


> Relax it.............



I don't know why but this really made me LOL


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## almond eyes (Aug 24, 2009)

Relax it and put a ring on it!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm joking).........

Best,
Almond Eyes


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## kkamara5 (Aug 24, 2009)

Ramya said:


> I don't know why but this really made me LOL


 


me too....


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## 1QTPie (Aug 24, 2009)

dlove said:


> Hair type:  4a/b thick.  Shrinks into a 2 inch fro.
> 
> DH told me that the natural look on me has to go.  I just two strand twisted my hair and made an updo in the back and sides with it.  He told me that I looked better with straight hair and none, NONE of the natural styles I do or pay someone to do looks good on me.  I have worn wng puffs, loose two strand twists, two strand twists with flat twists in the front and an afro.
> 
> ...





Two years and he still has a problem? Interesting.  I believe in compromise within a relationship.  Have you ever thought to ask him to get a relaxer? It's only fair and I don't see the difference. Serious question.


----------



## PerplexingComplex (Aug 24, 2009)

I think the issues you are having deal with length.  Since your hair is short when stretched and then shrinks even shorter. Your hair is in the middle of the awkward length phase that.  Maybe you should braid/weave/wig it up until it passes this phase.  I believe that most people do not have a problem with natural hair.  They have a problem that natural hair doesn't show length as quick/easily as straighter hair.  Once you get pass this length styling options will increase that can have the more "polished" look.


----------



## PeanutButterandHoney (Aug 24, 2009)

Why hasn't anyone answered the questions if your DH told you to cut your APL/BSL/WL hair would you do it? or if your DH asked you to go natural would it?  I would like to see the people who say "compromise and get a BKT/perm" answer that.

Also, why are people comparing going natural to getting fat?  Being natural is NOT letting yourself go. Getting FAT is. No one was born FAT.


----------



## Southernbella. (Aug 24, 2009)

ZeeOl'Lady said:


> Why hasn't anyone answered the questions if your DH told you to cut your APL/BSL/WL hair would you do it? or if your DH asked you to go natural would it?  I would like to see the people who say "compromise and get a BKT/perm" answer that.
> 
> Also, why are people comparing going natural to getting fat?  Being natural is NOT letting yourself go. Getting FAT is. No one was born FAT.



We all know why nobody is answering it.


----------



## BlondeByDesire (Aug 24, 2009)

I'm married and will be for 20 years come 9/8.  I can't tell you what to do or offer any advice - every  marriage is different.  I'll just say -- you do what's best for you and your marriage.

Good luck with your decision.

Now if my husband told/asked me to cut my hair and/or relax just for the sake of having straight hair - I would say no.


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## Southernbella. (Aug 24, 2009)

PerplexingComplex said:


> I think the issues you are having deal with length.  Since your hair is short when stretched and then shrinks even shorter. Your hair is in the middle of the awkward length phase that.  Maybe you should braid/weave/wig it up until it passes this phase.  I believe that most people do not have a problem with natural hair.  They have a problem that natural hair doesn't show length as quick/easily as straighter hair.  Once you get pass this length styling options will increase that can have the more "polished" look.



I agree that that's part of it. My dh started coming around when my hair got longer. I doubt that he will ever prefer natural hair, but there are nappy styles that he likes now, so that's better than nothing.


----------



## TCatt86 (Aug 24, 2009)

I'm sorry you are going through this OP.  Their are many natural styles that are sophisticated, try looking it up on youtube.

I wonder how the response would differ if her husband ask that she go natural?


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## Mortons (Aug 24, 2009)

ZeeOl'Lady said:


> *Why hasn't anyone answered the questions if your DH told you to cut your APL/BSL/WL hair would you do it? or if your DH asked you to go natural would it? * I would like to see the people who say "compromise and get a BKT/perm" answer that.
> 
> Also, why are people comparing going natural to getting fat?  Being natural is NOT letting yourself go. Getting FAT is. No one was born FAT.



Lets go with, Not on your life for $1000, Alex. They'll find a way to talk him out of it then


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## TCatt86 (Aug 24, 2009)

ZeeOl'Lady said:


> Why hasn't anyone answered the questions if your DH told you to cut your APL/BSL/WL hair would you do it? or if your DH asked you to go natural would it?  I would like to see the people who say "compromise and get a BKT/perm" answer that.
> 
> Also, why are people comparing going natural to getting fat?  Being natural is NOT letting yourself go. Getting FAT is. No one was born FAT.



I hadn't read the whole thread before I posted, but I posed the same question. I get the feeling that the "it's just hair" "pleasing my husband is most important to me" sentiment would go out of the window if the husband requested the hair be cut or the relaxer be grown out.


----------



## msa (Aug 24, 2009)

TCatt86 said:


> I hadn't read the whole thread before I posted, but I posed the same question. I get the feeling that the "it's just hair" "pleasing my husband is most important to me" sentiment would go out of the window if the husband requested the hair be cut or the relaxer be grown out.


 

To be honest, my answer would change as well. If someone's DH was encouraging them to go natural, I'd definitely support that. I recognize that it's hypocritical, but it's how I feel.

But the hair cutting would get a straight up hell no.


----------



## Charz (Aug 24, 2009)

msa said:


> To be honest, my answer would change as well. If *someone's DH was encouraging them to go natural*, I'd definitely support that. I recognize that it's hypocritical, but it's how I feel.
> 
> But the hair cutting would get a straight up hell no.


 
But encouraging is a completly different matter.


----------



## Southernbella. (Aug 24, 2009)

msa said:


> To be honest, my answer would change as well. If someone's DH was encouraging them to go natural, I'd definitely support that. I recognize that it's hypocritical, but it's how I feel.
> 
> But the hair cutting would get a straight up hell no.



My answer honestly wouldn't change, because I just don't think demanding that your spouse do something is the way to go about it (I know you said encouraging, but that's the not the case with the OP's situation). Not only that, but I think it takes more energy to be natural against your will.


----------



## TCatt86 (Aug 24, 2009)

msa said:


> To be honest, my answer would change as well. If someone's DH was encouraging them to go natural, I'd definitely support that. I recognize that it's hypocritical, but it's how I feel.
> 
> But the hair cutting would get a straight up hell no.



Hey at least you are honest!! 

My answer would still be the same though, I think hair while important doesn't make or break someone's attractiveness.   I also don't think someone's DH should be demanding and strongly hinting towards what a woman should do with her hair.


----------



## msa (Aug 24, 2009)

Charzboss said:


> But encouraging is a completly different matter.


 

You're right.

Ok if someone's DH was *demanding* they grow out their relaxer, I'd be on his side (in principle: natural is always the best choice to me). The demanding would still make me mad though. Grown people don't demand other grown folks to do anything.


----------



## TCatt86 (Aug 24, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> My answer honestly wouldn't change, because I just don't think demanding that your spouse do something is the way to go about it (I know you said encouraging, but that's the not the case with the OP's situation). *Not only that, but I think it takes more energy to be natural against your will.*



 I can imagine how miserable that would be for someone that really doesn't want to be natural, same thing as someone relaxing just because their husband doesn't like their natural hair.  Shouldn't the happiness of the wife also be important?  And i'm assuming that maybe the OP is hesitant because she made the thread posing the question, if she thought hair was just hair she would have just relaxed and when about her business.


----------



## Ramya (Aug 24, 2009)

ZeeOl'Lady said:


> Why hasn't anyone answered the questions if your DH told you to cut your APL/BSL/WL hair would you do it? or if your DH asked you to go natural would it?  I would like to see the people who say "compromise and get a BKT/perm" answer that.
> 
> Also, why are people comparing going natural to getting fat?  Being natural is NOT letting yourself go. Getting FAT is. No one was born FAT.



I'll answer. I'd cut my hair so long as it's flattering. For me it's just hair and I couldn't care less. The only reason I wouldn't relax is because relaxers and my scalp don't play well together. And I doubt he'd want me to burn myself for the sake of straight hair. I'd still be natural, just a flatironed natural. No big deal or a short haired natural...again no big deal. Hair grows. It's not life or death important to me.


----------



## Neith (Aug 24, 2009)

TCatt86 said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this OP.  Their are many natural styles that are sophisticated, try looking it up on youtube.
> 
> I wonder how the response would differ if her husband ask that she go natural?



I would say don't go natural if you're not open to it or comfortable about it.  

It's not like it's just the natural ladies saying that they wouldn't relax their hair for that reason.

You should be able to be comfortable in YOUR life and in YOUR body.  

It's not about natural vs relaxed AT ALL for me.  

ETA:

I don't believe that anyone should think that something is wrong with kinky hair.  Especially not people who have it.  However, that's not the driving force behind why I wouldn't drastically change my body JUST for my man.


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## MrsHouston (Aug 24, 2009)

I really feel for your situation.  I'm married and although my DH is very understanding (thank the Lord), I still try to do my hair "pretty" for him sometimes.  I had a hard time at first...I was trying to grow off my relaxed hair w/o cutting the ends...did this for almost 2 years...which was hard b/c I had to mainly wear my hair up and Dh likes my hair down.  In addition, he works from home and I was/am a stay at home mother, so he always saw me with the plastic caps, pre-poos, etc. He also watched me go threw postpartum shedding and shedding from stopping BC pills.  Trust me, I've been through it with my hair.  

Looking back, I wished I had worn my hair out more for him b/c I do believe every little bit counts and that a husband and wife should be and want to be pleasing to each other.  With that said, maybe you can meet him halfway and flatiron your hair every other month to make him happy.  Also maybe he'd like a straight styled wig.  I'm currently BSL/natural and moving towards MBL...I wear wigs to help me this last leg and plan to do it for any postpartum shedding (just had a baby).  I wear straight wig styles that I know he would like, while achieving my goals of protecting my hair for growth.  There are some really cools styles and half wigs are very natural looking too.  HTH.


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## Ramya (Aug 24, 2009)

Off topic.... ^^^ awww at Mrs. Houston's little prince. He's already smiling!


----------



## Neith (Aug 24, 2009)

Ramya said:


> Off topic.... ^^^ awww at Mrs. Houston's little prince. He's already smiling!



Yes, he's adorable


----------



## anon123 (Aug 24, 2009)

dang, I could really use a "my people were enslaved" tag right about now.


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## MrsHouston (Aug 24, 2009)

Southernbella. said:


> I agree that that's part of it. *My dh started coming around when my hair got longer*. I doubt that he will ever prefer natural hair, but there are nappy styles that he likes now, so that's better than nothing.



I agree.  

My DH couldn't see what I was trying to accomplish early on, but now he's getting it and loving it.  He loves the braidouts as well as the straight looks...he just likes long hair period and me wearing it down/out.


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## TCT (Aug 24, 2009)

i hate to even suggest this, cause i really don't think that you should have to go straight to please anyone; but anyhow, maybe you could try doing a quick bkt(@home), if youve got the guts. that way he can see you with straight hair for a bit although you wont really be making the commitment to the chemical relaxer. maybe after he's able to run his fingers through it and revell in the feeling a bit he'll be a lil more tolerant as your hair returns to its natural state.    or....................... just do the bkt thing till you reach your goal.  sorry your going through this.


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## msa (Aug 24, 2009)

mwedzi said:


> dang, I could really use a "my people were enslaved" tag right about now.


 

Or the "you think you're white".


----------



## Bluetopia (Aug 24, 2009)

msa said:


> To be honest, my answer would change as well. If someone's DH was encouraging them to go natural, I'd definitely support that. I recognize that it's hypocritical, but it's how I feel.
> 
> But the hair cutting would get a straight up hell no.


 
Hmm...while i admire your willingness to admit to what on the surface could look like hypocracy...I wonder....:scratchch

(taking the "is he demanding vs. encouraging" angle out of this...)

_*is *_it truly hypocritical to think that a husband wanting his wife to embrace what naturally comes out of head IS different than a husband requesting that she alter her appearance with chemicals?

or is there really a difference?

Maybe there is a nuance to this that we're missing at first glance. 

For instance.... let's say I have naturally bone straight hair and am always curling it because big hair is all the rage......and my hubby one day says to me "babe i like you the way God made you...maybe you should stop curling your hair all the time and work with what you got"

would *that* somehow be more palatable than....

if I was a woman with naturally curly hair whose husband said "babe...you look so much nicer without your natural curl pattern. maybe you should get you one of those nice flat irons they talk about on that hair board you're always on and straighten it. or just get some lye and change it permanently?" 


race, marital status and all divisive distractions aside....*rather than seeing it as hypocracy* - *is a request just inherently easier to swallow when it's in favor of what comes naturally to you?*

this argument could be made for a husband telling his naturally curvy wife to embrace her body vs. a husband who requests she loses weight below her natural frame........or any universal examples of natural vs. altered. 

*Disclaimer:* to folks who like to approach everything with saltiness...please note that #1 - im not the one to come at crazy ....and #2. im a very inquisitive person...and am genuinely curious about what ya'll think

so let's keep any a$$.umptions to a minimum..ok?

my booty is still a bit soar from all the squats I did while ducking low blows yesterday


----------



## kkamara5 (Aug 24, 2009)

ZeeOl'Lady said:


> Why hasn't anyone answered the questions if your DH told you to cut your APL/BSL/WL hair would you do it? or if your DH asked you to go natural would it? I would like to see the people who say "compromise and get a BKT/perm" answer that.
> 
> Also, why are people comparing going natural to getting fat? Being natural is NOT letting yourself go. Getting FAT is. No one was born FAT.


 

I cant really speak on behalf of anyone else..but the reason those questions were not answered by me is because..well...they were'nt the questions on debate..i guess...

...but to answer your questions..my fiance wouldnt ask me to go natural because I'm already natural and he has encouraged me throughout my whole ordeal......and I don't think that's the issue on hand here....the issue is whether or not the OP should either leave her hair in the "unpolished" state to please herself....or should she find an alternative such as rollersetting, flat ironing, braidout..etc.etc...to please her man....point blank...many posters have turned this debate into much more than it truly is...its not about inferiority, superiority, submissiveness, not loving yourself...etc..etc...I guess the answer would be it depends on how strongly the OP feels about having and keeping her natural hair....

....I have almost BSL length natural hair that I've been growing for about 3-4 years now, and the reason I began this was not for some righteous movement of anysort....It was more because I just simply...loved the look on me...so maybe thats the reason why I dont feel as strong as many other posters as far as my natural hair is concerned...

In terms of compromise...if my fiance asked me to cut my length down..I would first seek to understand the reason for his request...I would then enlighten him on the reason why having long hair means alot to me...I'm pretty certain when all is said and done...he will definitly understand....heck..I would even get some shorter extensions put in once in awhile so he can see me with the "short look".....why? ..... because he is my man and it makes *ME* happy to see him happy......


----------



## jerseygurl (Aug 24, 2009)

Wow, finally got to the end of this thread. If anything, this thread has taught me the importance of communication. I'm relaxed right now but I do intend to transition sometime in the future. I'm engaged right now and I do intend to have a discussion with FH and let him know my intentions. I seriously doubt that he would have any objections but one never knows.

The twists and turns in this thread were interesting to say the least and while I believe that you should compromise in marriage, you cannot allow yourself to get lost just to please your man.

No padlocks please, this is a good discussion


----------



## Sugar (Aug 24, 2009)

ZeeOl'Lady said:


> Why hasn't anyone answered the questions if your DH told you to cut your APL/BSL/WL hair would you do it? *or if your DH asked you to go natural would it?*  I would like to see the people who say "compromise and get a BKT/perm" answer that.
> 
> Also, why are people comparing going natural to getting fat?  Being natural is NOT letting yourself go. Getting FAT is. No one was born FAT.



Yaaayyy...my first post 

To answer the question above, I wouldn't do it.  At 1st I thought she should relax her hair because its very important that her hubby finds her attractive.  But then I thought "What if my hubby or S/O asked me to go natural?" I'd never do it and if he stopped finding me attractive...well he's free to go.


----------



## msa (Aug 24, 2009)

Bluetopia said:


> race, marital status and all divisive distractions aside....*rather than seeing it as hypocracy* - *is a request just inherently easier to swallow when it's in favor of what comes naturally to you?*


 
Yes, I think it is. And I would extend that to say, if I were the type of person who didn't see relaxing as a big deal, then my dh asking me to relax probably wouldn't bother me.

So you're right, maybe it's not really hypocrisy because I support natural hair over any other type of hair regardless of the situation.


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## Neith (Aug 24, 2009)

Bluetopia said:


> Hmm...while i admire your willingness to admit to what on the surface could look like hypocracy...I wonder....:scratchch
> 
> (taking the "is he demanding vs. encouraging" angle out of this...)
> 
> ...



It can be easier depending on the individual.

It depends on what you want to do.

If a bigger woman really wants to lose weight and her husband tells her not to, I would hope that she shed the pounds so that she can be more healthy.  It's better for her to be healthy than to please her husband.  

This goes for not only physical things for me.  I will NOT give up my physical, mental or emotional well being just to give into someone's whims.  There *are* times you sacrifice those things for loved ones, but not for something *so superficial*.

On the other hand some women would be like "Well, thank God.  Let me go get some cheetos now because I don't really care if I lose weight or not."

A person from this group has no problem with doing what her partner wants because she is ok with it HERSELF.

(I've been in both groups, so no offense to the big girls out there. lol )


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## FAMUDva (Aug 24, 2009)

Never mind...


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## Amerie123 (Aug 24, 2009)

*OP, just out of curiosity.. how long has your husband felt this way?

for my opinions:
I agree with some of the posters.. do temporary straight styles here and there, but keep your hair natural.. this way you both win..

 I'm married, but the situation is different for me.. DH actually prefers natural hair (and he has his reasons). However, he just wants me to do what makes me happy.. Talk to him and tell us what he's said. ask him would he like it if it was longer, etc. He does realize that eventually your hair will appear longer. Bottom line.. do what makes you both happy, and explain to him that relaxing isn't your only option. Good luck.*


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## Evolving78 (Aug 24, 2009)

i went through the same thing and just decided to cut my hair off again.  i know how you feel and i feel at the end of the day, you have to be happy.  some folks will come in here and will tell you that this is a marriage and you need to comprise, but you have to do what feels good to you.  i did it and i resented my husband for it.  

my hair had no effect on my marriage.  he talked all of that garbage and nothing changed.  you would think that after all of that protesting that men do, once you conform to what they think is beautiful, they would be all over you and it would be happily ever after.  NOT!  

i am at peace with myself again. before, i felt like a straight up sellout and i felt like i was living a lie.  i love my cut and he actually is cool with it too.  just as long as i don't grow it out into my coily nappy fro again!


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## snillohsss (Aug 24, 2009)

If your husband married you when you were rocking your natural hair then I would be inclined to say he needs to deal with it.

If you were relaxed when you got married, I think you should go back to being relaxed if that is one thing that makes you attractive to him.  At least he told you, and was upfront about it.

Maybe you can texlax....blow dry straight sometimes, and when you're not with him, rock a wash and go.

My husband hates weaves of any kind, and if I weren't married, I would rock a sew-in until my hair was BSL.  However he hates weave, so I don't wear it because he doesn't find it attractive on any woman.

I know if my husband decided to go bald we would have problems...


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## naturalmanenyc (Aug 24, 2009)

Just for you:









Bunny77 said:


> That's true!
> 
> Can I start seeing more brothas with some hair? Does every brotha have to wear a Caesar or a baldie? I mean, those looks are quite handsome, but can I see some variety, please?
> 
> I love some HAIR period!


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## brownelovely (Aug 24, 2009)

I say get a sew in or a lace front. Don't relax your hair to please someone else. My So was tired of me dogging out these buns but what could I do??? I got a sew in and he loved how it looked on me. 

I read somewhere that Bey said (hate to bring her name up ) you don't have to give up yourself to please your partner. Something to that effect, correct me if I'm partly wrong, but it's the truth. Sounds more like he's telling you what to do vs. asking you to change your hair. 

Personally, I'd have been  at the fact that he was telling me what I needed to do with my hair.


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## brownelovely (Aug 24, 2009)

naturaltobe said:


> Just for you:


 

Now thats some dreads


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## Bluetopia (Aug 24, 2009)

naturaltobe said:


> Just for you:


 
oh my! 

that brother looks quite dapper! kudos naturaltobe (or whoever's he may 'belong' )

the main reason why i dont have a strong opinion about this thread (outside of asking folks to play above the belt and posing random ponderances) is because for me.....its often not what you rock...but HOW you rock it that catches my eye.

IMO just about anything can look good on anyone if they carry it well. 

i mean look at all the crazy looking celebs who set trends just because they own their look! half that stuff would look crazy on a bunch of folk but they make it work...and we buy into it.

whether you (or your man) prefers seeing you re-laxed, bone-laxed, tex-laxed, bald headed, weaved up, braided down, or just clean shaven with a rat tail.....at the end of the day *you *need to make peace with what you got going on first. 

otherwise it leaves you open to all types of head/heartache. 

one of the greatest idiosyncracies of human nature is how we often ask people to accept things about us that we have yet to accept in ourselves.

but thats a whole 'notha thread.....


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## kryolnapps (Aug 24, 2009)

This has been an interesing read to say the least! I love how passionate we are about hair. We all know that it's not just hair, even if some don't want to admit it.

I agree with all that said demanding a grown woman to do anything is wrong. I also agree that spouses should be supportive of each others decisions (as long as it's not nonsense and/or dangerous). Going natural and staying natural is not nonsense.

I have the feeling that the OP is not confident in her decision to go natural and clearly she's not enjoying her journey so far. Therefore she's easily convinced by her husband that her natural hair is not attractive.

I had past sl hair when I decided to go natural. My ex-bf of 3 years at the time did not come straight out and tell me he didn't like the idea but, he would say things like: _you're going to have a lot of lint in your hair_. I would say: _you got my back right, I know you'll help me pick it out._
He could see how much happy and excited I was. He could see the efforts I was making to learn about natural hair and to style it. I would share my journey with him. 

5 months after my BC we broke up. My sister was convinced it was because of my BC. Little did she know that we had been having problems for months. None of these problems had to do with my hair. At the end, he had come around to accept my hair. Not loving it, but accepting it because I was passionate and confident about it.

Ironically, all of my ex-bf's past gfs were natural. But they were in the 2c-3c range, including his current one. I`m 4b.

The guy I'm currently dating is not too happy about my natural 4b hair. He doesn`t like fake hair though, so he would rather natural 4b hair than braids or weaves. (I just took down a 2 month sew-in, lol) Would I had put a weave if he was my husband or if he was a serious relationship? No, because for me a weave is a style. My natural hair is not a style. By the way, the guy I'm dating now keeps his hair greased and flatten down with a wave cap. He doesn't like to see his own naps. _My hair is trained _he says and _it's not nappy like yours_.I told him that he has to accept me as is and stfu or step.

We have issues my people!!!


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## BostonMaria (Aug 24, 2009)

OP are you taking notes? LOL


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## BroadstreetBully (Aug 24, 2009)

Some of you married women ARE A TRIP! You might have a husband, but I doubt some of you have many friends.


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## Kurlee (Aug 24, 2009)

BroadstreetBully said:


> Some of you married women ARE A TRIP! You might have a husband, but I doubt some of you have many friends.


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## Kurlee (Aug 24, 2009)

naturaltobe said:


> Just for you:


very nice


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## msa (Aug 24, 2009)

BroadstreetBully said:


> Some of you married women ARE A TRIP! You might have a husband, but I doubt some of you have many friends.


 

They don't need friends since they have a husband, duh!


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## sqzbly1908 (Aug 24, 2009)

naturaltobe said:


> Just for you:



Your husband's dreads are on point!!! I love to see a brotha with dreads/ braids and they are kept up and edged up  ....(Off Topic)


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## Bluetopia (Aug 24, 2009)

BostonMaria said:


> OP are you taking notes? LOL


 
I was just thinking the same thing!!!

*LHCF Mathematics*

Husband *+* Preference for Permed Hair *- *Tolerance of Natural Hair *+* "You're opinion dont count cause you aint even got a man" *x *OP's Uncertainty ÷ side conversations re: black women's relationship w/ their hair (and everything else) *=* a 450+ reply thread in 24hrs 



i swear....i learn something new every day from ya'll


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## snillohsss (Aug 24, 2009)

BroadstreetBully said:


> Some of you married women ARE A TRIP! You might have a husband, but I doubt some of you have many friends.



thats not a fair statement...and a bit rude to married women.  What if married woman said based on some of these comments some of you single women are a trip.  You might have friends, but I doubt you will ever get a husband.

They would have to shut this site down.


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## MD_Lady (Aug 24, 2009)

I'm not even a quarter of the way through this thread and I'm stopping to give dlove a . Thank you for seeking insight and I hope you and your DH can resolve this in a respectful and loving manner.


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## Bluetopia (Aug 24, 2009)

msa said:


> They don't need friends since they have a husband, duh!


 
ok can i be honest....you tickle the *bleep* outta me.

even when i suspect you are being dead serious i end up choking up with unexpected laughter at ur responses


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## Bluetopia (Aug 24, 2009)

snilloh said:


> thats not a fair statement...and a bit rude to married women. What if married woman said based on some of these comments some of you single women are a trip. You might have friends, but I doubt you will ever get a husband.
> 
> They would have to shut this site down.


 
oh that sentiment was already expressed!....and the site (and this thread surprisingly) is still intact....

keep reading 

folks started throwing bricks a couple hundred replies ago....


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## TCatt86 (Aug 24, 2009)

snilloh said:


> thats not a fair statement...and a bit rude to married women.  What if married woman said based on some of these comments some of you single women are a trip.  You might have friends, but I doubt you will ever get a husband.
> 
> They would have to shut this site down.



That's been said many times on this site!!! i.e. I see why some of y'all will never get married or something similar to that.


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## TCatt86 (Aug 24, 2009)

brownelovely said:


> I say get a sew in or a lace front. Don't relax your hair to please someone else. My So was tired of me dogging out these buns but what could I do??? I got a sew in and he loved how it looked on me.
> 
> *I read somewhere that Bey said (hate to bring her name up ) you don't have to give up yourself to please your partner. *Something to that effect, correct me if I'm partly wrong, but it's the truth. Sounds more like he's telling you what to do vs. asking you to change your hair.
> 
> Personally, I'd have been  at the fact that he was telling me what I needed to do with my hair.



 At you quoting Beyonce, who would have thought she could make a lick of sense.


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## BroadstreetBully (Aug 24, 2009)

snilloh said:


> thats not a fair statement...and a bit rude to married women.  What if married woman said based on some of these comments *some of you single women are a trip.  You might have friends, but I doubt you will ever get a husband.*
> 
> They would have to shut this site down.



Oh, I'm not talking about ALL, just a select very very few. As for the bolded, that's already been said...hence why I made that statement.


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## Bluetopia (Aug 24, 2009)

TCatt86 said:


> At you quoting Beyonce, who would have thought she could make a lick of sense.


 
even a broken clock is right twice a day.

i'm just saying.....


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## spelmanlocks (Aug 24, 2009)

I really don't think you should relax if you really don't want to. I hope this is not a deal breaker for your marriage.  I had natural hair when I met my husband and he didn't have a problem with it, he just said I never wore it in any nice styles.  He was right, I didn't take care of my natural hair, I'd been natural all of my life because my father was very pro-natural hair, my mother and sister have natural hair, but I didn't take the best care of it.  

I'd suggest the two of you sit down and discuss his reasons for wanting you to relax. Perhaps he is not knowledgeable about relaxed hair vs. natural hair or why it is so important to you.  My husband used to get upset at me for buying hair products, he didn't understand why I needed more than one shampoo and conditioner, when I first started learning to grow my hair.  Once I explained my goals and why I was trying all of these things he became far more understanding and even encouraging.


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## pebbles (Aug 24, 2009)

Alas, thread closed.


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