# In The Mood



## Supergirl (Oct 18, 2006)

Yep, this is about you know what!  I posted on the Christian forum, because with this particular topic, I want the answers/wisdom/advice/counsel of my Sisters in The Lord.

So when I got married, I had been celibate for almost 9 looooooonnnnnnngggggg years!  I thought that when I got married, I was gonna be all hot and bothered all the time.  But most of the time, I'm just not in the mood.  I don't turn my hubby down or anything, but I would like to be "in the mood" more often.  I want to initiate more often than I do and rock his world!  

A good friend of mine told me that men would do it all day, everyday if they could and sometimes you just have to "take it for the team!"    While I found her terminology hilarious, I don't wanna just "take it for the team!"  I wanna want it for the team just like he does!   

I'm on the pill and they say that will kind of mess with your libido.  

Any and all recommendations please!  Are there any books I can read?  What can a sista do????  

Love y'all!


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## shalom (Oct 18, 2006)

I would love to be able to advise you, but I'm not married yet.  What I will do though is keep you in my prayers.


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## rocky (Oct 18, 2006)

I heard Shaunti Feldhahn talking about this subject.  It's kind of deep what she discovered by interviewing men.  It totally made me have a different attitude toward making my husband feel desired.  Since most women don't have the same urges as men we need to make a point to remember his needs.  Basically, schedule times to seduce your husband.  Of course he doesn't need to know you have him booked for Wednesday night  .  Be enthusiatic.  Be sincere.  I've found that my desire has GREATLY increased by being willing to make the 1st move sometimes.


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## Allandra (Oct 18, 2006)

I'm pretty sure Shimmie will have a very good response.    SG, have you been checking out her threads here on this forum?


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## Shimmie (Oct 18, 2006)

Allandra said:
			
		

> I'm pretty sure Shimmie will have a very good response.  SG, have you been checking out her threads here on this forum?


 
 Allandra, this is too funny.  I'm home in Florida this week, and I decided to take some time log into the forum to see what's up...and I saw your message.   

The thing is, I've been celibate for 24 years...yet I have all these ideas for Romance.  It's a ministry...in the purest form; for God has given me a heart for marriages.

(Stop teasing me Pebs   about the 'double-dozens')

The first thing that comes into my spirit, is to quietly lie before the Lord and allow Him to minister to your heart.  Why am I feeling this way?  

You see, there are many ideas for Romance 'external', but we still have to deal with the Romance 'internal'.  What's going on with me, spirit, soul and body?  Lord, I surrender it all unto you, in Jesus' name, Amen.

Supergirl, as women in Christ, we have been so 'controlled' in keeping ourselves, when we are single, that much of it is still with us when we marry.  It's a mindset that we become so good at, that it becomes ingrained in our spirits. It goes beyond our 'subconcious'...It's a part of what we literally live, eat and breathe...being sexually pure.  

Selah that for a few minutes.... 

'Selah' some more... 

Supergirl, we get 'locked' into being pure.  And for many of us it has become an 'addiction'.  I know it like this for me, personally.  It's a high. 

Mind you, I'm not accusing anyone of us of egos or anything negative.  But as humans, we are prone to addictions...good, not always bad. 

I only sharing a theory, for you are not alone with this issue.  Many women who have been celibate for extended lengths of time, have a longer 'release' period once they are married.  We're so used to being in 'lock' mode.  

Am I making any sense?  I can only imagine how long I'll need to 'release'... 

Okay, that was my 'internal' evaluation.  You are simply still in the 'release' phase of your marriage.  Our minds have much control over our bodies... no big secret here.  

Okay, here's something to help you release...

Minister to your husband in as many ways that you can think of.

Homemade butter massages...

Melt 8 oz of pure butter.  When cool, add 2 tbsp. of EVOO or Johoba oil, to keep the butter from becoming solid.  

Homemade Sugar Scrubs...

To 8oz of pure butter; add some vanilla extra and some raw sugar.  Use this to give him a sugar/butter body scrub. 

Just minister to his body... (Hmmmm, minister to his body and seeing his enjoyment will soften and release your mood to 'love' him.). 

Now here is my very favorite tip from my Wive's and Romance thread.  The Lord gave this to me back in June, just to share with each of the ladies here and it brought tears to my eyes...

*



For Wives Only.... 

I'm home early tonight. All of you were on my heart because I omitted something. 

I needed to make this very important post for it refers to what every woman goes through. 

How do we keep the Romance going when He wants to make love and we just don't feel like it. 

We have ALL had those days, weeks, months...(no years , please).  

But ladies it's true and it happens for many reasons...hormones, emotions, he didn't take the trash out, again... Yes, we get mad at them and we 'lock up' and at times we lock up good and tight and hide the keys.  

Whatever the reason, we are just not in the mood. We actually haven't given it a thought, let alone made plans for it. Too much going on and then, 'Here he comes...our beloved, Mr. Frisky...full and raring to go and we want to give him a look..."Man you MUST be crazy"...Stoooopppp...Get off me'. Baby, you see all this work I have to do...stooopppp. Don't pinch me either." (Ladies you know this scene all too well).

Okay, whatever it is that's in the way of the Romance, 'Drop it, Leave it, Let it Go!' Drop it, NOW !!! 

This is what you do...

Whisper in his ear, "I hear you Baby. Come, help me get ready." 

This is where you take him into the bathroom, ask him to help strip you down and the two of you relax in the tub together. Or allow him to bath and relax you. He'll be happy to. Also, whisper love words to him. 

Such as:

"Hmmmm, thank you, Baby. You're helping me to feel better"

Reach up and touch his face, look into his eyes and say nothing. Just smile at him and 'blush' a little. LThen bury your head in his chest or shoulders and kiss him there and then, whisper, "I love you..."

Now, this is important. Please do not use bubble bath. It can be irritating; especially when you make love directly after taking a bubble bath. It's not worth ruining the moments that you are sharing in love.

Instead of Bubble Bath, use powdered milk. I love powdered butter milk and coconut milk. You can purchase these at www.fromnaturewithlove.com and they are not very expensive. 

Milk leaves your skin very soft and it's gentle on our 'tender parts'. It also makes the tub easy to clean after a milk bath. I have some other uses for this milk for skin care that I can share later.

This act of Romance is a bonding between you and your husband. 

For instead of him thinking and feeling rejected when you say you are tired, you are allowing him to experience the joy of relaxing you. He is also able to see and feel what you are feeling and that you are sincere and it's not rejection after all. 

After the bath, allow him to dry you off. Then the two of you just flow together in love. After loving him, always whisper these two words into his heart...

"More...Later". 

God bless you, angels. Truly be blessed. And know this, if marriage has to be work, then make it a job that you both enjoy doing. The benefits are as high as the sky...Heaven.

Hugs to all,

"Shimmie..." 

Click to expand...

* 
In Love and Marriage, there's always...More later....


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## Supergirl (Oct 18, 2006)

Shim,

You don't know how RIGHT you are.  There have been several times in my short time being married that I've said, DANG, I must've gotten _too used_ to *not* doing it.   

That was really good advice.

And yes cousin/sister Allandra (did you know you were my new adopted cousin/sister?), I stay on top of Shimmie's posts.  She has many touching things to say which have benefited me greatly.


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## Allandra (Oct 18, 2006)

Supergirl said:
			
		

> Shim,
> 
> You don't know how RIGHT you are.  There have been several times in my short time being married that I've said, DANG, I must've gotten _too used_ to *not* doing it.
> 
> ...


Aww, you're so sweet.


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## Southernbella. (Oct 18, 2006)

> I'm on the pill and they say that will kind of mess with your libido.
> 
> Any and all recommendations please! Are there any books I can read? What can a sista do????



Well...my only advice is to get off the pill. That was the ONLY thing that helped my libido.

Biologically, we are most aroused right before and during ovulation. Then, the hormones gradually taper off, then you have your period. The pill chemically interferes with this process, so you aren't going to have the same surges in hormones that you would around that time. 

When I got off the pill, I literally tired my dh out! When I was on it, I had NO desire. I had to force myself to make love, when I normally had a very healthy sexual appetite. 

Anyway, that's my advice. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but I just wanted to add some practical to the spiritual.


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## melodee (Oct 18, 2006)

I would suggest setting aside time to just be close--like holding/hugging, kissing....without actually having to do "it".  We (my man and I) do this all the time and it usually leads to more.

The closeness is so wonderful even without the act of intercourse, but sometimes the pressure to have it can put you out of the mood.

Remember for us ladies, sex starts in the mind.  We sometimes need a little time and stimilation/motivation.  A Christian author (I think it was Rick Warren) said that " Men are like LIGHTSWITCHES, as they can turn on really quickly and Women are like IRONS, as it may take them a while to warm up."

Let your husband hear your concerns and take the matter to prayer together.


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## candiel (Oct 18, 2006)

lauren450 said:
			
		

> Well...my only advice is to get off the pill. That was the ONLY thing that helped my libido.
> 
> Biologically, we are most aroused right before and during ovulation. Then, the hormones gradually taper off, then you have your period. The pill chemically interferes with this process, so you aren't going to have the same surges in hormones that you would around that time.
> 
> ...



I agree with Lauren .  When I was on the pill I also noticed a huge decrease in my libido.  Getting off of the pill helped  a lot!


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## Supergirl (Oct 18, 2006)

Alright,

so for my sisters that suggest getting off the pill--what bc alternative do you suggest?


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## Southernbella. (Oct 18, 2006)

Supergirl said:
			
		

> Alright,
> 
> so for my sisters that suggest getting off the pill--what bc alternative do you suggest?



Awww, why'd you have to ask that?! I'm having my second kid in 3 years, so... 

I'm kidding. The rhythm method worked very well for us. I knew when I was ovulating, and during that week, we used condoms (not what most married women want to do, but it was worth it to me to have my drive back). 

However, some women are more fertile than others, and have a bigger window when they can get pregnant. There's also the diaphram, but you have to insert it before sex, so there's room for slipups or forgetting. I'm not familiar with the IUD, but I don't think it involves chemicals. Also, there's withdrawal, but that's no fun.

Talk to your OB. If you can't find anything else you like, you could try a pill with a lower level of estrogen. That didn't help me, but I think I'm just one of those women who doesn't respond well to any chemicals. 

The thing was, even when I was mentally and spiritually prepared for intercourse, my body would not respond, if you know what I mean. They make lubricants for stuff like that, but I didn't want to be dependent on that for the rest of my life. I weighed the options, and we both agreed that it was worth it to us to be on the same page sexually (well, as much as we can be. He's still got me beat!)


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## Bublnbrnsuga (Oct 18, 2006)

Supergirl said:
			
		

> Yep, this is about you know what!  I posted on the Christian forum, because with this particular topic, I want the answers/wisdom/advice/counsel of my Sisters in The Lord.
> 
> So when I got married, I had been celibate for almost 9 looooooonnnnnnngggggg years!  I thought that when I got married, I was gonna be all hot and bothered all the time.  But most of the time, I'm just not in the mood.  I don't turn my hubby down or anything, but I would like to be "in the mood" more often.  I want to initiate more often than I do and rock his world!
> 
> ...



Oh GOD, Super DuperGirl! We need to talk! I am going through the same thing. I can even get to 'that point' but be like, 'okay, leave me alone. I got mine.'  Thankfully, my hubby doesn't act like he's going to die if he doesn't get it. He understands. I have been to the Ob-gyn and she recommended switching me to Ortho-Tri (she said for young women who experience a drop in libido, she switches them to this and it gets better), but she wants me to talk to a sex counselor. I am going here soon: http://www.womenshealthspecialist.com


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## good2uuuu (Oct 18, 2006)

When I first got married I was on Orthi-Tri Cyclen. My libido was SHOT! I only took the pill for 2 years. When I quit, things got better. We use condoms. So far so good. Except for that one time I mis-calculated, hence one of my daughters middle names is Lael, which means of God .  Anyway, talk to your Ob/gyn, and  check all  your alternatives. 

One more thing, stress and depression will also do it to you. Trust me. If you have any issues here, please have them checked out and tended to.


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## Sosoothing (Oct 19, 2006)

Supergirl said:
			
		

> Alright,
> 
> so for my sisters that suggest getting off the pill--what bc alternative do you suggest?


 
Natural Family Planning or a diaphram. Thats what I switched to when I got off the pill.


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## Radianthealth (Oct 19, 2006)

I was afraid to post something like this, but I am experiencing the same thing.  I am on the nuvaring and I feel like I am Impotent.

I never ever ever ever ever ever have any desire...and I didn't have much to begin with 

My DH wants it everyday and I sometimes feel like it is a chore and I think he knows that I feel this way.  It really makes the both of us feel inadequate but I don't want to take any chances with pregnancy so I will have to pray and try to get rid of some of the stress in my life.

I hate that this is an issue, because I want to make him happy


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## Shimmie (Oct 19, 2006)

*BIG Question !!!*

*Is it married woman "ONLY'  who have this problem with birth control? *

I haven't heard about Single women having problems with sexual desire. 

I've been out of the sexual 'loop' for quite awhile, so I have not had any need for the use of Birth Control.   The last method I used was a diaphram and this was quite a while ago.   

I know that this is the Christian forum, but we still know single women who are having sex and are on birth control.  Do they share the same problems with low or no sex drives?

I've heard many Pastors say, that they have a hard time encouraging the Married couples to get IN the bed with each other and have sex and a challenge trying to discourage the Singles to *not* have sex.   They've shared that it's harder with getting the married couples together than it is keeping the singles apart.  

Now, I clearly see the adverse reactions as a result of hormonal balances with Birth Control methods; I sincerely realize that there are valid physical and natural reasons for lack of sexual desire.  

But I"m still wondering if it has be tied to the emotional realm as well.   

I only ask because I don't hear Single woman sharing that they have these problems.  

Perhaps, they (Single women) are having these problems, but don't want to appear 'untouchable' to the man in their life... 

I want to add 'Single Woman' who are cohabitating and Single Woman who are not living with someone.  There may be a difference in the emotional realms.  

Just a thought  ...and this issue needs to be addressed in order to 'fix' it for many women.  I applaude each of you for your boldness.  You are truly courageous woman and you are victorious for God does have a plan to work this out. 

I know for me, I'm not having anymore children when I remarry.  But I don't have a clue about current Birth Control methods.  You are each helping me far more than you realize.    So, thank you...from the bottom of my heart.


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## Shimmie (Oct 19, 2006)

trimbride said:
			
		

> I was afraid to post something like this, but I am experiencing the same thing. I am on the nuvaring and I feel like I am Impotent.
> 
> I never ever ever ever ever ever have any desire...and I didn't have much to begin with
> 
> ...


 
Just wanted to say that you are one of my favorite hero's here.    You truly are.   

Your posts are helping far more people than you realize.  You may think you have problems, but you are actually solving so many for women.  For you have the wonderful courage to just speak out and share and God is using you to address subjects that we find so hard to share and deal with. 

You are our "Lady Moses'...leading us out of bondage.  And we love you, Trimbride.


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## meek&quietspirit (Oct 19, 2006)

Before I re-married, just about all I thought about was sex. I would fall on my knee's in tears and beg God to control my sex drive until He sent the man that He wanted me to marry.

Fast forward to my husband who has a high sex drive. In the beginning, I did too. Now, once a month is good and plenty for me.

I don't know what happened, but after 5 and a half years of marriage, sex is the last thing on my mind.

As a stay @ home wife, I have no excuses.

I literally tip toe into our bedroom most nights so that I don't wake him up. But, as soon as I quietly and very, very gently enter our bed, he's all bright eyed, bushy tailed and READY FOR ACTION. My reaction to him is, _*I* *thought you were sleep.*_   

So, knowing the temptation he endures on a daily basis from all of the willing women that he comes into contact with, he's a very attractive man, I give in (most of the time).

I've had a physical check up and nothings wrong with me, so I can't figure it out.

I started out as a roaring lion but lately I've been feeling like an itty-bitty kitty when it comes to sex.erplexed 

Am I selfish or what?

Pray for me.


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## Shimmie (Oct 19, 2006)

meek&quietspirit said:
			
		

> Before I re-married, just about all I thought about was sex. I would fall on my knee's in tears and beg God to control my sex drive until He sent the man that He wanted me to marry.
> 
> Fast forward to my husband who has a high sex drive. In the beginning, I did too. Now, once a month is good and plenty for me.
> 
> ...


 
See this is what I'm trying to figure out.  Something occurs 'after' marriage to lower the woman's sex drive.   As I shared in my post above, I am not discounting the phyical raalm, nor the adverse side effects of birth control methods.

But angels, we have something going on here and we each know the word of God which freely gives us the 'go-ahead' to enjoy our husbands sexually.   I think this is an excellent discussion, because the answers are in each of us as we come together in prayer and sharing. 

Right now as a single woman, I'm a 'hottie  Meaning, I'm still cute   I still have the goods.  But I'm not releasing my goods until I'm married.  However.............as time goes on in marriage, will I 'decrease' as my husband continues to 'increase' in Desire?   

Married ladies you are truly being a blessing by sharing this.  There is a way to fix this and knowing what and why it occurs.  

I love each of you...


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## Southernbella. (Oct 19, 2006)

I'm sure there are many factors. Hormonal, emotional, spiritual. It's so complicated. 

Even among non-christians, husbands complain about the sex all but stopping after marriage. You need only watch sitcoms for endless jokes about that. 

So, you may be onto something as it relates to marriage. One thing I do know...most men assume they will be able to have sex whenever and wherever they want it once they get married...they feel entitled. Then they get a rude awakening. 

On the other hand, most women assume that they will have as much if not more desire for their husbands after marriage. They too get a rude awakening.

Is it the expectations that are the problem? 

Shimmie, you said something that stuck out at me. Maybe it is possible that single women are more sexually accomodating.

Hmm, this is food for thought!

My problem was pretty much solved when I stopped the pill, but if you ask my dh, he will still say he would have more sex with me if he could.


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## ritzbitz78 (Oct 19, 2006)

My lovely ladies and sisters in Christ!

First we need to step away from how society views the sexual relationship in the first place and take a look at how God views it.  For if we ask for His power (2 Corinthians 9:8), He will give it to us, but only to do His will, not society's will or trend.

A man is made to give, the word husband means Provider.  A woman was made to receive.  Hence his body part literally "gives" and we as woman "receive" with our body part.  It works that way mentally also.  

But we are all selfish, we all want to be pleased... and some husbands have adopted this mentality and want sex for their satisfaction, and not to please their wives.

But since we can't change anybody, whats a woman to do to have a man view sex as a providing of, not a taking of?

(I am going to have to do a Shimmie on you, and leave you hanging because I need to run) I want to share Song of Solomon with you and give you some good resources to help turn this situation around.    

(Shimmie, dearest I love you, and you know you leave us hanging in other threads for inticement and anticipation, thats what I am referring too  )

BTW, I am married, and we have been using condoms...  I have been celibate my whole life before I got married.  

talk to you soon
Ritzbitz78


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## lala (Oct 19, 2006)

I was given a book as a gift titled "Married and How to Stay That Way" A Treasury of Practical Solutions Based Solely on God's Word by Steve Carr. There are two chapters, "Building Romance" and "Building the Sexual Relationship" that really detail some of the common issues that interfere with romance and sex in marriage. There are several causes listed as to why couples experience issues with sexual relationships, but I will just quote a few paragraphs:


_Building Your Sexual Relationship page _245 


E. Sometimes sexual desire fades because of medications you are taking. Recent scientific studies have confirmed that prescrip&shy;tion and non-prescription medications can have a profound ef&shy;fect upon your sexual desire. If you are taking any medication on a regular basis, you should consult your doctor about the possible effects this medication may have on your sexual desire or potency.

F. Sometimes desires are different because of hormonal differences. Sexual development and drive in men and women are directly affected by the male hormone testosterone and the female hormone estrogen and the level of these hormones in your blood. There is' not a lot you can do about differing levels within a marriage. However, knowing this fact can keep you from some of the fundamental misconceptions. One spouse may say, "All you want me for is sex." Or, on the other side of the fence, "Why don't you desire me? Do you even care?" Both of these statements reveal a possible misconception. Could the problem be simply the affect of a hormone raging inside your spouse, or the lack thereof? It may not have anything to do with how much your mate loves you or of seeing you as some sex object. The conflict may simply be caused by the amount of hormones flowing through your mateâ€™s blood stream.
This does not negate the fact that you or your spouse must still choose to love by initiating sex or restraining yourself. But having this knowledge of hormones will help you to understand why there is such a difference in your sexual desires.

It goes on to talk about how sex can become routine between couples and how you should sit down and calmly discuss your needs with your mate. Find a mutual agreement and ask God for the love to restrain your desires or the love to respond when you donâ€™t feel like it. It can be difficult either way. Yet the Holy Spirit is very able to rule over you and motivate you to act lovingly if you will seek His help.

The book also gives examples of how you can compromise in this area and lists some bible scriptures:

1 Cor. 7:4-5
Song of Solomon 5:16

The cost of the book was $12.99


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## Shimmie (Oct 19, 2006)

lala said:
			
		

> I was given a book as a gift titled "Married and How to Stay That Way" A Treasury of Practical Solutions Based Solely on God's Word by Steve Carr. There are two chapters, "Building Romance" and "Building the Sexual Relationship" that really detail some of the common issues that interfere with romance and sex in marriage. There are several causes listed as to why couples experience issues with sexual relationships, but I will just quote a few paragraphs:
> 
> 
> _Building Your Sexual Relationship page _245
> ...


 
God is moving.  Thank you so much for sharing this.  We're getting some very needed answers for those married and single.  Wives need this for healing; Singles need this for preparation.

The word of God says we perish for lack of knowledge.  While we will never have all of the answers to any given matter, God still gives us Grace with what we acquire. 

You know how the word admonishes husbands and wives to not withhold ourselves from one another, least we be tempted?   Well, can you see how satan has used this area in marriages to cause many problems in marriages...hence satan's goal/objective to destroy whom God has joined together.   

We as Christian wives KNOW the word and surely we are not out to purposely withhold from our husbands...so here's a subtle strategy of the enemy to come in with another weapon...our physical, hormonal, emotional make-up...gradually catching us unawares.  

It's almost like a hypnotic trance, we yield to the body (our flesh) instead of our husbands, not seeing what's really behind it. 

But we are all here to serve notice, that no man or nothing will put assunder (separate) any of the marriages represented here and those near and dear to us.  

While the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, we still recognize there is an attact against our physical make-up; for did not God say, "...and your desire shall be unto your husband..."  (Genesis 3). 

So it shall be...'Our desires shall be unto our husbands in the most beautiful and natural way in the fullness thereof AND they will love us as the loving hind...and they shall find no fault in us.   "The husband and wife shall be naked and they shall not be ashamed."  Gen 2:24

The devil is a liar!!!!


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## HWAY (Oct 19, 2006)

meek&quietspirit said:
			
		

> Before I re-married, just about all I thought about was sex. I would fall on my knee's in tears and beg God to control my sex drive until He sent the man that He wanted me to marry.
> 
> Fast forward to my husband who has a high sex drive. In the beginning, I did too. Now, once a month is good and plenty for me.
> 
> ...



I was celibate for over 15 years before I married. I knew I was made for marriage. Being celibate was a chore but I kept busy working and raising my daughter while traveling and enjoying life. I NEVER thought there would come a time when I wouldn't want sex, but it happened. I could not use birth control pills (break-through bleeding). The diaphragm caused painful intercourse.  After I stopped  BC, I began to want sex more. My menstrual period returned to normal after 1 year. As far as intimacy, we bathe eath other. I have learned to give full body massages. We take walks and play games and snuggle under a shared blanket while watching a movie or ball game. These are the things that create intimacy between lovers and help make your home a haven for each of you.


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## Radianthealth (Oct 19, 2006)

Good advice ladies,  I have been wanting to post this but it is soooooo private for me and it makes me feel a little ashamed, I know it is not my fault but it makes me feel like a failure as a wifeerplexed .  I will pray and try to work on all the things you ladies suggested.


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## Southernbella. (Oct 19, 2006)

> Am I selfish or what?



Heck no. Doing it anyway when you don't want to so you can make your dh happy is very UNselfish.


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## Southernbella. (Oct 19, 2006)

trimbride said:
			
		

> I was afraid to post something like this, but I am experiencing the same thing.  I am on the nuvaring and I feel like I am Impotent.
> 
> I never ever ever ever ever ever have any desire...and I didn't have much to begin with
> 
> ...



Does Nuvaring have chemicals in it? 

Also, you say you never had much of a sex drive. Did your dh know about that before you got married?


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## Southernbella. (Oct 19, 2006)

trimbride said:
			
		

> Good advice ladies,  I have been wanting to post this but it is soooooo private for me and it makes me feel a little ashamed, I know it is not my fault but it makes me feel like a failure as a wifeerplexed .  I will pray and try to work on all the things you ladies suggested.



It really might not be your fault.

The thing I struggle with is this...as married women who are free to enjoy our sexuality and our husbands, who says what's enough?

What I mean is, if I desire sex 3 times a week, and my husband desires it every day, shouldn't we compromise at 5 times (just an example). Should a married woman feel obligated to have sex every time even if she doesn't want to? 

I know about what the Bible says, and I don't dispute that at all. But the Bible also says that a husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church. Christ made the ultimate sacrifice for His church (his bride), so shouldn't the husband sacrifice every now and again for his bride?

I'm just throwing this out there. I don't have the answer.


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## Shimmie (Oct 20, 2006)

I love this an answer.  It's beautiful to meditate upon.  It's beautiful as a prayer.  

*Philippians 2*

* 1 Therefore if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and mercy, 2 fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind. 3 Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. 4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. *


5 Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, 7 but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, _and_ coming in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to _the point of_ death, even the death of the cross. 9 Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, 10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven, and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, 11 and _that_ every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ _is_ Lord, to the glory of God the Father. 
* 
12 Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; *

*13 for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure. *


14 Do all things without complaining and disputing, 15 that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, 16 holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain.

17 Yes, and if I am being poured out _as a drink offering_ on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all. 18 For the same reason you also be glad and rejoice with me. 

_________________

The Lord has always placed the above scripture in my heart as a prayer for marriages.  From it, I focus on the following.  And the more I read it, the more I receive from the heart of our Father to focus on.

Fulfill the joy in the heart of Jesus.
Fulfill the love of Jesus in one another.
We pray to be on one accord with one another as husband and wife.
Looking out for the others interests, not our own.
Not for selfish reasons, but out of love and obedience.
We work out our marriages as we do our salvation.  Not for 'appearance' sake, but from the pureness of heart.
Not out of complaining, conceit, nor obligation, but...
Humbling ourselves, even to the point of death...the old man has passed away, the new man now leaves in both as one.
For our marriage to shine, setting a light for the world to follow; a light for our children and families, a light for one another... a light which glorifies and warms the heart of Jesus...our Prime example of Love.
I'd love to see the prayers of others for marriage.  Perhaps we could start a thread..."Marriage Prayers", where each of us add a prayer which flows from our hearts to share with each other.  Prayers can be added by anyone, married or single (Wives to be).    

Blessings everyone...


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## Bunny77 (Oct 20, 2006)

lauren450 said:
			
		

> It really might not be your fault.
> 
> The thing I struggle with is this...as married women who are free to enjoy our sexuality and our husbands, who says what's enough?
> 
> ...



I've often thought about this.

I'm not married, but listening to my married friends and women on the board, I start to wonder when does it get to a point in which a husband is demanding too much?

For example, I don't think it's fair to the husband when a wife makes no effort to please her him sexually... I've heard stories of women going for weeks or months without having intercourse and doing nothing to make sure that there isn't another problem going on. 

At the same time, just because a husband may want it everyday, does that mean he has to get it? Isn't that selfish on his part to not recognize that his wife might be tired from her job, her kids, etc.? 

I hear so much about making sure that the wife has the libido to please her husband, but are there any messages out there to tell the husband to "chill out" sometimes if he's being too demanding? 

Also... I think that some of these husbands also need to make sure that they are fulfilling their wives' needs in terms of helping her with the children, with some chores and completing his role as a provider. Many of the women I've met who've lost their sex drive appear to do so as a reaction to feeling that they have no help at home... so they withdraw in other ways.

Anyway, I'm just thinking out loud... but I do agree that there has to be some kind of compromise on both sides... a woman must work through whatever issues she has in order to please her husband, but a husband must not treat his wife as a sexual being only and expect her to be ready and willing every time he is.


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## Bunny77 (Oct 20, 2006)

Shimmie said:
			
		

> *BIG Question !!!*
> 
> *Is it married woman "ONLY'  who have this problem with birth control? *
> 
> ...



This is another thing I've wondered myself.

For full disclosure... I am single, but not sexually active. (Over 3 1/2 years of celibacy!!!)

But before that, I can tell you how I was thinking... I didn't have problems at all with sexual desire, AND I was using BC pills. The only time that I noticed my sex drive diminishing was when my boyfriend started slacking off in other areas of his life and showing me traits of his personality that I didn't find appealing. 

So that was definitely an emotional thing... as I became more frustrated with some of his character traits, I began to pull back sexually... which is something I often hear with married women who seem to lose their sex drives when their husbands aren't fulfilling their roles as men (not paying bills, not working or actively looking for work). Or... when a woman is tired from all of her duties and feel her husband isn't helping at all, but then expects her to be sexually ready for him.

Not married yet, so I can't say how I'll be in marriage... but that's my single story in a nutshell!


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## ritzbitz78 (Oct 20, 2006)

There is so much I want to write on this subject, and I wish I could listen each of your stories personally.  One thing I am doing, is praying for the women and their marriages in this thread.  

I am going to recommend bookss because I can't begin to write on this thread the information that is out there.  The best Book being the Bible.

In Songs of Solomon 5:2,3 - The shulamite woman rejects the man physically and emotionally when he made the advance.  And she was beat up emotionally with guilt and remorse for being selfish.

BUT

In Songs of Solomon 4:4- this describes what Solomon did on their honeymoon.  He slowly and creatively described and enjoyed every part of her body, from her head to her feet and back up again.  He went slow and cared about her body, and was interested and pleasured and said it to her aloud.

So that was the type of man the shulamite woman was rejecting, you can tell she was selfish, because she didn't want to incovenience herself by taking of her houserobe, or getting her feet dirty again. (chapter 5 vs 3)

But many times husbands aren't so caring and loving like Solomon is and we women need that emotional love connection for things to flow.


Here are some reasons I thought of (not a complete list) that may hinder the 'mood' and  a book that may help.

1.  You don't like how you are tread by him in general.  He just wants his, then he leaves you hanging, he doesn't help around the house, or sit and talk with you on deep stuff in your heart.

Book:  The Act of Marriage by Tim LaHaye- both of you need to read it

Every Man's Marriage by Steve Arteburn and Fred Stoeker- this is for him, if he is willing to read it

2.  You just don't want to be bothered.  It is not a priority for you, nor does it fit into your scedule.

Book:  The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger

3.  You find no physical pleasure or orgasm when you are with him.  

Book:  The Act of Marrriage by Tim LaHaye- read and practice the activities

4.  You daydream that he would be another man with better qualities.

Book:  Every woman's Battle by Shannon Etheridge

5.  He is into pornography, so subconsciously you may feel worthless, like he isn't fully present with you when you are intimate.

Book:  Every Man's Battle by Steven Arteburn and Fred Stoeker - for him to read

Every Heart Restored same authors - for you

6.  YOu have been sexually molested before and you are associating sex with that horrid experience.

you need to get counseling by a Christian counselor who is licensed.


I am praying for all of you, hope this helps.

(online, amazon.com is usually the cheapest place to get these books)


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## cocoberry10 (Oct 20, 2006)

Wow Ladies!  I have read this thread and the responses are overwhelming.  Although I am not married, I know that all of you will be blessed!


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## Southernbella. (Oct 20, 2006)

ritzbitz78 said:
			
		

> There is so much I want to write on this subject, and I wish I could listen each of your stories personally.  One thing I am doing, is praying for the women and their marriages in this thread.
> 
> I am going to recommend bookss because I can't begin to write on this thread the information that is out there.  The best Book being the Bible.
> 
> ...




Great post!


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## MrsHouston (Oct 20, 2006)

lauren450 said:
			
		

> Well...my only advice is to get off the pill. That was the ONLY thing that helped my libido.
> 
> Biologically, we are most aroused right before and during ovulation. Then, the hormones gradually taper off, then you have your period. The pill chemically interferes with this process, so you aren't going to have the same surges in hormones that you would around that time.
> 
> ...



I agree with Lauren450, I got off and there is a HUGE difference, of course I want to have a baby now, but I WILL NEVER GO BACK ON THE PILL.  I love the results of being off... Did I remember to say that I LOVE  the results!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, again I LOVE the results


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## MrsHouston (Oct 20, 2006)

Also my doctor says that between days 10 and 18 are the days you can get pregnant (really between days 13 and 15), but to be extra safe, as to not get pregnant remember 10 to 18.  Day one being the first day you cycle/spotting occurs.

I don't use anything now b/c I want a child sometime soon and if happens sooner, we're ok with that.


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## Mom23 (Oct 20, 2006)

This is a great post ladies!! I have to chime in on stopping the pill. I was on the pill when my husband and I first married, and got off after 2 years. That change alone increased my sex drive. I have never been back on it. We used the rhythum method and planned each of my pregnancies that way. It worked great for us. You just have to really know your body and keep track of your cycles. We used condoms as well.


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## Shimmie (Oct 20, 2006)

ritzbitz78 said:
			
		

> There is so much I want to write on this subject, and I wish I could listen each of your stories personally. One thing I am doing, is praying for the women and their marriages in this thread.
> 
> I am going to recommend bookss because I can't begin to write on this thread the information that is out there. The best Book being the Bible.
> 
> ...


 
I cannot help but give God praise.  Have any of you noticed how He has been moving in this forum with the threads on marriages?  

And you don't have to be married to know any of this.   

ASK ME HOW I KNOW.   I'm only being real.  The mystery of love and marriage has been under attack for centuries.  And many are suffering that none of us know about, but may be reading these threads and finding deliverance. 

The "Every Man's Battle...." book series by Steven Arteburn and Fred Stoeker, I highly recommend.  It addresses several topics for men; there is a book for each one.  

The books are VERY reasonable here...

http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/search?author=Stephen%20Arterburn&detailed_search=1&action=Search

I appreciate the hearts that it took for these men to write these.  For


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## Shimmie (Oct 20, 2006)

ritzbitz78 said:
			
		

> There is so much I want to write on this subject, and I wish I could listen each of your stories personally. One thing I am doing, is praying for the women and their marriages in this thread.
> 
> I am going to recommend bookss because I can't begin to write on this thread the information that is out there. The best Book being the Bible.
> 
> ...


 
I cannot help but give God praise.  Have any of you noticed how He has been moving in this forum with the threads on marriages?  

And you don't have to be married to know any of this.   

ASK ME HOW I KNOW.   I'm only being real.  The mystery of love and marriage has been under attack for centuries.  And many are suffering that none of us know about, but may be reading these threads and finding deliverance. 

The "Every Man's Battle...." book series by Steven Arteburn and Fred Stoeker, I highly recommend.  It addresses several topics for men; there is a book for each one.  

The books are VERY reasonable here...

http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/search?author=Stephen%20Arterburn&detailed_search=1&action=Search

I appreciate the hearts that it took for these men to write these.  For all


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## Shimmie (Oct 20, 2006)

ritzbitz78 said:
			
		

> There is so much I want to write on this subject, and I wish I could listen each of your stories personally. One thing I am doing, is praying for the women and their marriages in this thread.
> 
> I am going to recommend bookss because I can't begin to write on this thread the information that is out there. The best Book being the Bible.
> 
> ...


 
I cannot help but give God praise.  Have any of you noticed how He has been moving in this forum with the threads on marriages?  

And you don't have to be married to know any of this.   

ASK ME HOW I KNOW.   I'm only being real.  The mystery of love and marriage has been under attack for centuries.  And many are suffering that none of us know about, but may be reading these threads and finding deliverance. 

The "Every Man's Battle...." book series by Steven Arteburn and Fred Stoeker, I highly recommend.  It addresses several topics for men; there is a book for each one.  

The books are VERY reasonable here...

http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/search?author=Stephen%20Arterburn&detailed_search=1&action=Search

I appreciate the hearts that it took for these men to write these.  For all men


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## Shimmie (Oct 20, 2006)

ritzbitz78 said:
			
		

> There is so much I want to write on this subject, and I wish I could listen each of your stories personally. One thing I am doing, is praying for the women and their marriages in this thread.
> 
> I am going to recommend bookss because I can't begin to write on this thread the information that is out there. The best Book being the Bible.
> 
> ...


 
I cannot help but give God praise. Have any of you noticed how He has been moving in this forum with the threads on marriages? 

And you don't have to be married to know any of this. 

ASK ME HOW I KNOW. I'm only being real. The mystery of love and marriage has been under attack for centuries. And many are suffering that none of us know about, but may be reading these threads and finding deliverance. 

The "Every Man's Battle...." book series by Steven Arteburn and Fred Stoeker, I highly recommend. It addresses several topics for men; there is a book for each one. 

The books are VERY reasonable here...

http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/search?author=Stephen%20Arterburn&detailed_search=1&action=Search

I appreciate the hearts that it took for these men to write these. For all men have a battle with something and it trickles down to us, as their wives.   

Even our choice of and the decision for birth control.   We want to be 'ready' when they are ready.  Giving to them our all.  We need to understand more and more about the men we love.  It will help us in more ways than we can thank God for.


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## Southernbella. (Oct 20, 2006)

There's a thread on this same subject on O/T right now. There are both single and married women who have experienced the same thing. Why can't they make  easy BC that doesn't affect your hormones?


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## Supergirl (Oct 20, 2006)

I love how this thread has panned out.  There are so many wonderful points of view offered and such love and encouragement.

Of course it is also great to know that I am not alone.

I am thinking of the rhythm method seriously.

I'd like to clarify that I did not start this thread because my husband is constantly demanding sex or anything close.  He is quite wonderful and it seems like he can read me well.  

The thing is that he has just been so wonderful that *I* want to have the desire to pleasure him more often sexually.  He's such a darling that it makes me want to "hook him up!"  Okay, why is typing this turning me on?    Maybe there's something to this.


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## Southernbella. (Oct 20, 2006)

Supergirl said:
			
		

> I love how this thread has panned out.  There are so many wonderful points of view offered and such love and encouragement.
> 
> Of course it is also great to know that I am not alone.
> 
> ...


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## Radianthealth (Oct 20, 2006)

www.fredstoeker.com

Great Site!!!


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## pebbles (Oct 21, 2006)

Supergirl said:
			
		

> I love how this thread has panned out. There are so many wonderful points of view offered and such love and encouragement.
> 
> Of course it is also great to know that I am not alone.
> 
> ...


 
LOL!! All I can say is that God is working!!  

Seriously, I think that we as women need to understand that men and women feel loved in different ways. For women, a beautiful card and flowers says a lot to us, and for the most part is enough for us to feel loved. For men, physical intimacy is what lets them know that they're loved. It's more than just the sex. There's a lot of affirmation for them that comes through the physical that they really need to feel loved and wanted. I'll have to try to explain that more when I have some time. When we can understand what husbands really get out of sex, we may be more inclined to give them what they need to really feel loved and accepted. I hope that made some sense. :Rose:


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## cocoberry10 (Oct 21, 2006)

There is also a couple that come on tv.  I've seen my parents watch them before (my parents have been married for 33.5 years).  They minister to married couples.

Their website is

www.marriagetoday.org

I just went to the site and you can watch videos online!  Although I'm not married, I hope this helps some of you that are  .


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## Shimmie (Oct 21, 2006)

cocoberry10 said:
			
		

> There is also a couple that come on tv. I've seen my parents watch them before (my parents have been married for 33.5 years). They minister to married couples.
> 
> Their website is
> 
> ...


 
Cocoberry, you are planting good seed into to good solid ground.  And don't ever forget, 'you reap what you sow.'  

And whatever you make happen for someone else, God will make happen for you.  

Ephesians 6:8

_"Knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be *bond or free*."_

Key words here:  'be he bond (married  ) or free (single  )  the SAME shall he receive of the Lord...whatsoever good thing Any man doeth. 

I took a little spiritual / scriptual liberty with the "_bond and the free"_  But it all ties in.  God's word still prove itsself...one meaning, many applications to and in our lives.  

Time and again, I've lived His word which always comes to pass just as He gives it to me. 

*Here are some more websites*...actually, I listen to both of these on the radio everyday and love them.   Many of you are familiar with them as well. 

www.family.org   (Dr. James Dobson - Focus on the Family)  

www.fltoday.org (Bob Rainey - Family Life Today)


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## Supergirl (Oct 21, 2006)

Thanks for the website ladies.  

Shimmie, I listen to Focus on The Family and Family Life Today on the radio when I can.  They are great programs.


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## Sky (Oct 29, 2006)

Hi Supergirl,

I seem to remember posting on a thread similiar to this a while back so forgive my reptition if I did. I am posting this on the thread instead of a PM because it might be helpful to others.

I agree with others that it might be the pills - at least in part because none of the brands agreed with me and I had horrible side effects, one being "not feeling in the mood". Now I use cyclebeads which help me track my most fertile days and VCF. VCF  is a clear film that you can buy at any drug store and you insert it very simply at least 15 minutes before intimacy and it works up to 3 hours after. My husband and I also use the withdrawl method. So in conjunction with these three I feel pretty confident. There are times that we resort to condoms if it is sponataneous ( read no VCF) and I am on my most fertile day.  Having said all that the pill did bring me great comfort in knowing that the chances of me getting pregnant were basically nil...but the craziness I was experiencing wasnt worth it. I believe children truly are a blessing from God and so even though I am not trying to conceive if I did it would be okay. This is important because if you absolutely do not want a child right now be sure that you are comfortable with other methods outside of the pill because the thought of becoming pregnant alone is enough stress to effect your "mood".

I also agree with Shimmie in that a lot of times for me it was other things---emotional things that effected my being in the mood - they didnt even necessarily have to do with my husband and I *definitely* felt that shame of like "Oh now I am married and sex is okay?" since I was celibate for some time before marriage . That is why I think it is important to be mindful about projecting to shame on to others that might be having sex outside of marriage--the shame doesnt just go away because you are married - but thats a whole different topic. But Shimmie's post was right on target --be patient with yourself and listen to that still voice within for guidance and direction.


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## sithembile (Nov 2, 2006)

I'm not married yet but my pastor did speak to us about this. He talked about us having self-control before and within marriage, as it is part of showing true love, we need to be considerate, unselfish and gentle. He gave the example of a church member married to an elder approached him and his wife to complain that her husband was being excessively demanding and it was making her feel used. After discussing it, my pastor agreed that it was excessive and they tried to talk to the elder. He refused to come for counselling, eventually left his wife and backslid. So his behaviour in the bedroom was a sign of other character/spiritual issues.

On the other hand, women should not be continuously refusing their husbands as they may me giving the devil a foothold or causing him to feel insecure or inadequate.

In essence, I think it is about compromise, having a servant spirit when it comes to meeting sexually needs and making the effort to keep intimacy exciting an fulfilling. I am about to be officially engaged and we have begun praying about our future sex life, asking God to bless us.


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