# When Do You Tell a Man that You do Not Engage in PreMarital Sex?



## bajanplums1 (Jan 20, 2006)

Do you tell him asap so that he doesn't get his hopes up?  Do you wait until  he makes a move?  

What if it comes up inadvertently while discussing Christianity?

Thanks.


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## BerrySweet (Jan 20, 2006)

When you start getting close.  It's good to head it off at the pass.


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## star (Jan 20, 2006)

bajanplums1 said:
			
		

> Do you tell him asap so that he doesn't get his hopes up?  Do you wait until  he makes a move?
> 
> What if it comes up inadvertently while discussing Christianity?
> 
> Thanks.


Tell him *immediately* in loving, *friendly* and godly way and see what he says. If you start getting close then tell him you run the risk of you becoming weak. You really have to be honest with yourself about what you may be able to handle if you get closer. Just let him know you are willing to be friends and see where God takes the both of us.


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## Divine Inspiration (Jan 20, 2006)

bajanplums1 said:
			
		

> Do you tell him asap so that he doesn't get his hopes up?  Do you wait until  he makes a move?
> 
> What if it comes up inadvertently while discussing Christianity?
> 
> Thanks.



I tell him AS SOON AS PRACTICALLY POSSIBLE!!!!! I've found that this is the safest, most effective way for me. 

There were times when I called myself waiting til it came up, but it never came up until he was trying to undress me, and it is *VERY* awkward to tell him that you don't get down like that when he's mentally (and probably physically) ready to do the deed. And when I waited, I was accused of being a tease and/or leading him on, neither of which was actually the case. He was just mad b/c he wasn't getting any.

I'll discuss it when topics re: religion come up as well. Or if he asks why I'm single. If there isn't a comfortable way to bring it up, I FORCE it b/c he needs to know this from the beginning. There are *many* men who can not handle being in a serious relationship w/o sex. If he's one of those men, then I want to know, and he needs to know how I operate so that neither of us wastes the other's time. Many times I've put it out there and the dude stops calling. I'm *always* glad I said it when I did...before I got emotionally invested and may have started second-guessing myself. If he knows the deal from the jump, he should know better than to go there. There are still some dummies who will try you anyway b/c SOOOOOOOOO many chicks walkin around talkin about how holy they are and braggin about goin to church every Sunday, but they do more fornicatin than the law should allow. So if that's the case, I simply remind them about the conversation we already had re: sex, and that's the end of that discussion as far as I'm concerned.

Sorry about that lil tangent, but this is a GREAT topic b/c as a single woman of God, you have to deal with this issues if you're dating. So I say, introduce yourself, say your name and where you're from, and tell him you don't do the pre-marital sex thing!  Ok, maybe not that soon, but ASAP for sure. You ain't gotta scare him off with it or be obnoxious about it, but he needs to know the business!


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## bajanplums1 (Jan 20, 2006)

THanks ladies, the guy I am dating has been wonderful so far.  Last night while talking about religion it came up and I revealed this to him.  He had no real response. So it left me a bit worried.  I asked him what he thought today and told me that we will chat about it this weekend.

He goes to church every Sunday too and seems very devoted.  I hope that he will accept this decision because I like him.  I hope he is not just church on Sunday, sex on Saturday night. hmm . . . it is really hard trying to be obedient, but I am ready to risk it all to give the Lord his due . . . still scared though.


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## Lisa (Jan 20, 2006)

Divine Inspiration said:
			
		

> I tell him AS SOON AS PRACTICALLY POSSIBLE!!!!!  So I say, introduce yourself, say your name and where you're from, and tell him you don't do the pre-marital sex thing!


 
 I agree with the first part at least.  Usually I bring it up when we ask each other why are you still single or not involved in a relationship.


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## star (Jan 20, 2006)

bajanplums1 said:
			
		

> THanks ladies, the guy I am dating has been wonderful so far.  Last night while talking about religion it came up and I revealed this to him.  He had no real response. So it left me a bit worried.  I asked him what he thought today and told me that we will chat about it this weekend.
> 
> He goes to church every Sunday too and seems very devoted.  I hope that he will accept this decision because I like him.  I hope he is not just church on Sunday, sex on Saturday night. hmm . . . it is really hard trying to be obedient, but I am ready to risk it all to give the Lord his due . . . still scared though.


Be aware that God may be testing you to see if you love Him more than others. This is the precise time for you to exercise your faith in GOd and what you have learned as a Christian. Leave the outcome totally in God's hands he knows whats best.


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## Bunny77 (Jan 20, 2006)

Divine Inspiration said:
			
		

> I'll discuss it when topics re: religion come up as well. Or if he asks why I'm single.



Ok, this is off-topic, but I hate when men ask this question. I think it's a rude and sexist question and I really don't feel that any woman should answer it.

You're single because you dang well want to be. It's not a crime to be single. And hey, I assume these men who ask are single themselves (since they're trying to get with you), so what business do they have asking women why they are?

Sorry but this just gets me.


Anyway, I agree with you Divine on how you handle things.


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## Divine Inspiration (Jan 21, 2006)

Bunny77 said:
			
		

> Ok, this is off-topic, but I hate when men ask this question. I think it's a rude and sexist question and I really don't feel that any woman should answer it.
> 
> You're single because you dang well want to be. It's not a crime to be single. And hey, I assume these men who ask are single themselves (since they're trying to get with you), so what business do they have asking women why they are?
> 
> ...



Girl, you and me both. It's really none of his business anyway, but I've had quite a few dudes ask this question. Half the time, I get smart and say, "Because I'm smart." But I mean, really, they act like there must be something wrong if you're single...like if you were legit you'd have a man. That is sooo not the case. Half the time, the sane & sophisticated ladies are single b/c they're not settling for all this foolishness goin on. 

A couple of weeks ago, this guy that I'm talking to asked me that question, and I just asked it back instead of answering it. Once he heard how stupid and rude it sounds, he apologized and found a more polite way of asking if I was single by choice which was what he wanted to know. I told him that he shouldn't ask anyone else that b/c it's rude and annoying...if there's something specific he's after, he should simple ask. I think he appreciated me schooling him on that.


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## Bunny77 (Jan 21, 2006)

Divine Inspiration said:
			
		

> Girl, you and me both. It's really none of his business anyway, but I've had quite a few dudes ask this question. Half the time, I get smart and say, "Because I'm smart." But I mean, really, they act like there must be something wrong if you're single...like if you were legit you'd have a man. That is sooo not the case. Half the time, the sane & sophisticated ladies are single b/c they're not settling for all this foolishness goin on.
> 
> A couple of weeks ago, this guy that I'm talking to asked me that question, and I just asked it back instead of answering it. Once he heard how stupid and rude it sounds, he apologized and found a more polite way of asking if I was single by choice which was what he wanted to know. I told him that he shouldn't ask anyone else that b/c it's rude and annoying...if there's something specific he's after, he should simple ask. I think he appreciated me schooling him on that.



Thanks for responding! I'm going to have to use your answers next time I get asked that! I usually end up coming off like I'm upset that I'm single whenever I answer the question and that's not the case... I'm just upset at the question!  I'm trying to find a way to school men who ask this instead of yelling at them. 

Think I'll start another post on the Off Topics Forum so I don't hijack this one...

Anyway, back to this topic. I've been celibate for 3 years and I haven't yet been in a situation where I've had to deal with this issue. I've dated in those 3 years, but haven't been in a relationship and my dates have all been of a platonic nature. 

However, I'm sure that I'll eventually find someone that I like and I have to make sure not to get myself in too deep before I suddenly say, "Hey, I'm going to wait for marriage!"  So this topic is a good one. I'm taking notes!


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## bajanplums1 (Jan 21, 2006)

Good News ladies.  So we spoke about it today and he said that he has no problem with it.  He said that it is not at all surprising because from the time we met it was clear to him that I had made a committment to keep God first in my life.  I feel strenghened now! We'll see how things progress.


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## Divine Inspiration (Jan 21, 2006)

bajanplums1 said:
			
		

> THanks ladies, the guy I am dating has been wonderful so far.  Last night while talking about religion it came up and I revealed this to him.  He had no real response. So it left me a bit worried.  I asked him what he thought today and told me that we will chat about it this weekend.
> 
> He goes to church every Sunday too and seems very devoted.  I hope that he will accept this decision because I like him.  I hope he is not just church on Sunday, sex on Saturday night. hmm . . . it is really hard trying to be obedient, but I am ready to risk it all to give the Lord his due . . . still scared though.



Hmmm...I wonder why he didn't respond. That could mean a lot of different things...

Girl I feel you on how hard it is to be obedient, but the reward is WELL worth it. If he's about his issue, then he'll stick around and if not, you didn't need him anyway. What God has for you is for you.


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## Blossssom (Jan 22, 2006)

If you're dealing with a true Christian, you won't have to tell him.  He'll already know


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## Belle Du Jour (Jan 23, 2006)

Blossssom said:
			
		

> If you're dealing with a true Christian, you won't have to tell him.  He'll already know


 
I was about to post the same thing!  He should know if he's in the Church.  If he was not a devout Christian, he might not know.

As far as telling a guy that you don't engage in premarital sex or you sexual status, I don't think every guy needs to know that.  If it's a guy who you think has serious potential, then I would break it down after he bought the issue of sex up.  If it was someone I didn't know very well or wasn't sure if the relationship was headed in a serious direction, I'd tell him that sex talk was not appropriate at that time.


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## firecracker (Jan 23, 2006)

I'd tell him when he tries to busted a move.  The minute he tries to touch the twins slap his hand with the bible.


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## locabouthair (Jan 23, 2006)

latia said:
			
		

> I'd tell him when he tries to busted a move.  The minute he tries to touch the twins slap his hand with the bible.



you are funny.


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## locabouthair (Jan 23, 2006)

classimami713 said:
			
		

> I was about to post the same thing!  He should know if he's in the Church.  If he was not a devout Christian, he might not know.
> 
> *As far as telling a guy that you don't engage in premarital sex or you sexual status, I don't think every guy needs to know that.  If it's a guy who you think has serious potential, then I would break it down after he bought the issue of sex up. * If it was someone I didn't know very well or wasn't sure if the relationship was headed in a serious direction, I'd tell him that sex talk was not appropriate at that time.




i usually do the opposite. i have a habit of telling guys right away that they're not getting any. i felt that if i tell them in the beginning and they tell me they cant deal with it i wont be wasting any time getting to know them. but i can say even though i do tell guys in the beginning they dont always listen.  this is a great thread by the way


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## star (Jan 23, 2006)

bajanplums1 said:
			
		

> Good News ladies.  So we spoke about it today and he said that he has no problem with it.  He said that it is not at all surprising because from the time we met it was clear to him that I had made a committment to keep God first in my life.  I feel strenghened now! We'll see how things progress.


May can always tell what kind of woman they are dealing with.


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## Divine Inspiration (Jan 23, 2006)

bajanplums1 said:
			
		

> Good News ladies.  So we spoke about it today and he said that he has no problem with it.  He said that it is not at all surprising because from the time we met it was clear to him that I had made a committment to keep God first in my life.  I feel strenghened now! We'll see how things progress.



Well that's refreshing and encouraging!  Good luck bajan!


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## firecracker (Jan 24, 2006)

locabouthair said:
			
		

> i usually do the opposite. *i have a habit of telling guys right away that they're not getting any. *i felt that if i tell them in the beginning and they tell me they cant deal with it i wont be wasting any time getting to know them. but i can say even though i do tell guys in the beginning they dont always listen.  this is a great thread by the way


 
Heck that makes them stay around for the challenge.  All good cuz I love  gifts and not giving in!  If they are really a christian trying to do right.  They take measures to avoid being in a uncomfy situation and getting slapped with the bible.


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## divinefavor (Jan 24, 2006)

This is a very good thread!


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## Stylepink (Jan 24, 2006)

I used to tell my dates when they called and asked for the first date! I had no problems asking exactly what they expected out of a date with me, and what they were going to get. I made it very clear that I did not believe in premarital sex and that I didn't want them to waste thier time if that was what they were after. Once that was out of they way, and they still wanted to date me, we could relax and have a fun time.


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## Chichi (Jan 24, 2006)

I used to only date men of like mind (equally yoked) so there was never really explaining to do. 
Chichi


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## LovelyZ (Jan 24, 2006)

I don't think it is necessary to tell a man until you really get to know each other. It can be a turnoff to throw it out there to soon. And that doesn't mean that the guy would necessarily have a problem with it; but I think it's better to let him know you first. If it comes up sooner, then I would be honest about it and let him know.


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## sithembile (Jan 25, 2006)

Chichi said:
			
		

> I used to only date men of like mind (equally yoked) so there was never really explaining to do.
> Chichi




ITA, if you date a Christian, then HE wouldn't want to engage in pre-marital sex.


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## cocoberry10 (Jan 25, 2006)

star said:
			
		

> Be aware that God may be testing you to see if you love Him more than others. This is the precise time for you to exercise your faith in GOd and what you have learned as a Christian. Leave the outcome totally in God's hands he knows whats best.




I agree.  It's important to bring it up at the beginning, because we need to be honest with guys.  We don't have to cram our holiness down their throats, but I equate it with finding out something very private about him that could affect whether you want to stay in a relationship with him.  The beginning does not necessarily mean the first time you all go out, but it should come soon after that.

I have definitely dealt with guys not returning phone calls.  I have had guys actually laugh in my face and say it's 2005, it's 2006 (whatever year it is).  I've even had "Christian" people tell me that I'm crazy to expect a man to 
wait for me.  

I won't lie, it's difficult at times.  It use to be really difficult watching my friends in relationships, while I was spending another night at home, or out with platonic friends.  However, I realize that everything works in God's perfect timing!

It's so important to remind yourself of the blessings of a celibate lifestyle.  Here are just a few:

Main Advantage:  You can enhance or develop your relationship with God.

(1) No concern for Birth Control (unless you use it to control your menstrual cycle), 

(2) NO STD scares

(3) No pregnancy scares (Yours or someone elses, God forbid some men are not faithful to their women!)

(4)  No emotional attachment to someone who is only in it for physical gratification.

(5) No breakups

(6) You can come and go as you please.

There are many others, but I think this sizes it up.  Good luck and God bless.  Also, it helps to have a support team, a sister circle of other women in your own social circle who are also practicing this.  As the saying goes, there is strength in numbers!  If you don't have this, just pray that God will bring these strong women/men into your life.


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## sithembile (Jan 25, 2006)

cocoberry10 said:
			
		

> I agree.  It's important to bring it up at the beginning, because we need to be honest with guys.  We don't have to cram our holiness down their throats, but I equate it with finding out something very private about him that could affect whether you want to stay in a relationship with him.  The beginning does not necessarily mean the first time you all go out, but it should come soon after that.
> 
> I have definitely dealt with guys not returning phone calls.  I have had guys actually laugh in my face and say it's 2005, it's 2006 (whatever year it is).  I've even had "Christian" people tell me that I'm crazy to expect a man to
> wait for me.
> ...



This is really good!


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## ChildlikeEmpress (Jan 25, 2006)

"*When*" doesn't worry me nearly as much as "*HOW*."   How do you say, "I'm not going to have premarital sex" without sounding like a prude? Believe me, I'm not; sex is a HUGE part of what I'm looking forward to in marriage, and I know that if I find someone I really connect with, holding out until then won't be easy. But it's just one of those things that I'm not sure how to put delicately.

~R. :Rose:


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## qtgirl (Jan 25, 2006)

I agree with not saying it like as soon as they ask you for a date; who even said they want to have sex with you?  Women get upset when guys bring up sex early in the rlp. so why would you bring up sex so early in the rlp. (whether it's about doing the do or abstaining from sex).  Sex should not be the first thing you're thinking about when dating someone and if you bring it up, it's almost like you are just waiting on him to make a move.

I hope that was clear.


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## Blossssom (Jan 27, 2006)

BUMP!

Thanks, Classi, and others who are in accordance!


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## firecracker (Jan 29, 2006)

qtgirl said:
			
		

> I agree with not saying it like as soon as they ask you for a date; who even said they want to have sex with you? Women get upset when guys bring up sex early in the rlp. so why would you bring up sex so early in the rlp. (whether it's about doing the do or abstaining from sex). Sex should not be the first thing you're thinking about when dating someone and if you bring it up, it's almost like you are just waiting on him to make a move.
> 
> I hope that was clear.


 
Thats what I'm saying.  Bring up sex I get pissed and goodbye mister!


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## sky_blu (Jan 29, 2006)

Right off the bat...not when we got close and he still trying to make moves. I would tell him from day 1 which will let you know what he all about. If he stays then you know he not just with you for the sex and if he goes you didnt waste his time or yours trying to accomplish something that would never happen.


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## cocoberry10 (Jan 30, 2006)

LovelyZ said:
			
		

> I don't think it is necessary to tell a man until you really get to know each other. It can be a turnoff to throw it out there to soon. And that doesn't mean that the guy would necessarily have a problem with it; but I think it's better to let him know you first. If it comes up sooner, then I would be honest about it and let him know.



I agree with this, but don't wait until he comes to your place or you go to his and the lights are low.  Men complain that women like this are a tease.  I think it's important to get to men of all kinds as friends, and casually date until you feel like there is more of a connection.  Sometimes, we women can be so quick to want a serious relationship with a man that we barely even know.


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## Kiadodie (Feb 1, 2006)

Well, my friend told this guy on the first date...and he stopped calling 
her erplexed .


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## Faith (Feb 1, 2006)

sky_blu said:
			
		

> Right off the bat...not when we got close and he still trying to make moves. I would tell him from day 1 which will let you know what he all about. If he stays then you know he not just with you for the sex and if he goes you didnt waste his time or yours trying to accomplish something that would never happen.


 Not necessarily...he could stick around hoping you will change your mind.  But usually it's true if he sticks around then it was about more than that.
I usually answer that question right off the bat because they start with "why are you still single?" And I say "because I do not believe in premarital sex"..HA!  That always stumps them.


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## Faith (Feb 1, 2006)

cocoberry10 said:
			
		

> I agree.  It's important to bring it up at the beginning, because we need to be honest with guys.  We don't have to cram our holiness down their throats, but I equate it with finding out something very private about him that could affect whether you want to stay in a relationship with him.  The beginning does not necessarily mean the first time you all go out, but it should come soon after that.
> 
> I have definitely dealt with guys not returning phone calls.  I have had guys actually laugh in my face and say it's 2005, it's 2006 (whatever year it is).  I've even had "Christian" people tell me that I'm crazy to expect a man to
> wait for me.
> ...


 GREAT POST!
The best for me was #3. My period could be late without me pulling out my hair cause I knew I wasn't pregnant..lol
It is hard though...having secular friends and they all have boyfriends and you are the odd "man" out so to speak BUT God knows best so...


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## ChildlikeEmpress (Feb 1, 2006)

I recently read an interesting point in favor of NOT talking about it right from the get-go.  It was in a book called _The Surrendered Single_, in a section called Avoid Premature Planning:

_*Sex - Sample questions and comments: "I don't believe in sex before marriage" or "I never have sex on the first date."*

*When it's appropriate:* Saying you don't believe in sex before marriage is reasonable when you're trying to fend off his advances -- not during dinner on the first date before anybody asked.

Vivian made such an announcement early in the hopes that Jared wouldn't try to have sex with her while they were dating.  When she had sex with him anyway, she felt foolish and guilty.  "I'm wondering how he can respect me now," she told me.

Although Vivian was sincere in wanting to abstain from sex prior to marriage, she went about it in a way that reflected a lack of commitment.  *Jared probably didn't put much stock in her out-of-nowhere announcement for the same reason you wouldn't put much credence into a child announcing he is going to be a fireman*.... Had Vivan been willing to enforce her conviction in the moment they were about to become sexual, Jared probably would have taken her more seriously._

I can see the sense in that.  I'm guessing it's best to mention this the minute things look to be heating up, but BEFORE any clothing comes off. 

~R. :Rose:


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## Lovelylocs (Feb 1, 2006)

latia said:
			
		

> I'd tell him when he tries to busted a move.  The minute he tries to touch the twins slap his hand with the bible.


 This is so funny. I'll have to start carrying a BIble in my purse and start slapping people with it. LOL


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## SweetCaramel1 (Feb 1, 2006)

i would tell him asap! just so that he knows where i'm coming from.  if that's his only motive, you'll know immediately.


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## AnnDriena_ (Feb 1, 2006)

I think you ladies are very smart and on point but I have to agree with an earlier poster.

Why in the world would a *Christian* man even worry about whether or not you will have sex with him? *HE* should be abstaining also. Premarital sex shouldn't even be a topic in a Christ centered relationship.


Or are we talking about Christian women dating non Christian men? Please correct me if that's what we are talking about and I'm off point. Thanks. Great topic by the way.


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## Divine Inspiration (Feb 1, 2006)

AnnDriena_ said:
			
		

> I think you ladies are very smart and on point but I have to agree with an earlier poster.
> 
> Why in the world would a *Christian* man even worry about whether or not you will have sex with him? *HE* should be abstaining also. Premarital sex shouldn't even be a topic in a Christ centered relationship.
> 
> ...



Ok, in response to the "He shound already know if he's a Christian" argument...

I've run into many men who profess to be "Christian" and/or men who I've met in church who have sex like a horny goat. The fact that he says he's a Christian does NOT mean that he abstains from pre-marital sex. As a matter off fact, I've run into more church-going men who want sex than those who don't. In spite of their professed religous beliefs, not all of them understand and appreciate the value in waiting until marriage. 

Furthermore, if you're in the early stages, then it's true that bringing sex up is probably not necessary. But if you haven't had a conversation about spirituality yet, how do you know what his beliefs are? I mean, in theory, it's great to say, "Well I only deal with Christian men." But this, IMO, hinges on how you approach the topic of spirituality religion with men you meet in places other than church/religious functions etc. Obviously you aren't assuming that every man is a Christian, so there has to come a time when you bring religion/spirituality up...or he does. Either way, it's very possible for him to want to make sexual advances before that conversation is had. Some women would immediately argue that if he's not a man of God, there's nothing to discuss, and that that should be one of the first things you ask, and I agree wholeheartedly, but IRL, it doesn't always happen that way. 

So my thing is, I'm not gonna bring it up for the sake of bringing it up, but if I honestly believe he has plans of trying to bed me, I'm going to politely explain that I don't engage in pre-marital sex as soon as practically possible to avoid confusion and name-calling. And yes, he *should* know, but I don't like to leave things to chance. I'm big on communication so should he step out of line and try me, he can't say he didn't know or that I never told him b/c I "assumed." All of my cards are on the table so nobody's time gets wasted.


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## AnnDriena_ (Feb 1, 2006)

Divine Inspiration said:
			
		

> Ok, in response to the "He shound already know if he's a Christian" argument...
> 
> I've run into many men who profess to be "Christian" and/or men who I've met in church who have sex like a horny goat. The fact that he says he's a Christian does NOT mean that he abstains from pre-marital sex. As a matter off fact, I've run into more church-going men who want sex than those who don't. In spite of their professed religous beliefs, not all of them understand and appreciate the value in waiting until marriage.
> 
> ...


 

His spiritual beliefs sounds kind of vague. That's whay I was asking if we are talking about Christian men. If they claim Christianity and are having sex then I guess it's a question of his committment. Is he just Christian on Sunday.

As for  the second point in blue if he isn't a Christian I think it's dangerous to even go any route with him where you would need to talk about your sexuality.


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## Divine Inspiration (Feb 1, 2006)

AnnDriena_ said:
			
		

> His spiritual beliefs sounds kind of vague. That's whay I was asking if we are talking about Christian men. If they claim Christianity and are having sex then I guess it's a question of his committment. Is he just Christian on Sunday.
> 
> As for  the second point in blue if he isn't a Christian I think it's dangerous to even go any route with him where you would need to talk about your sexuality.



The first statement: You have to take that statement w/ the one before it or it doesn't make sense. In the statement before, I said, "Furthermore, if you're in the early stages, then it's true that bringing sex up is probably not necessary." so this signals that his beliefs are not "vague" you just haven't had that convo yet. He could be a devout Christian or a buckwild heathen, but I don't think it's safe to assume either way.

Same with the second statement: You can't take it out of context. The statement before it is: "But this, IMO, hinges on how you approach the topic of spirituality religion with men you meet in places other than church/religious functions etc." so I'm not speaking on men you KNOW to be un-Godly. I'm speaking on total strangers...someone you met 30 minutes ago in Target who will call you tonight. At some point, you or he may raise the spirituality/religion question, but some women don't. And like I said with point one, just b/c you bring it up, and he says he's a holy roller does not mean he's abstaining.

Both of those statements were made in the context of the fact that when you meet someone in passing, you know nothing about them. As such, how can you form a judgment of his spirituality without knowing anything of him? Sure, once you go on a date or speak on the phone you can gain a better understanding, but is that the first question you ask when you get on the phone? I'm sure for veteran Christians, it may be, but for ladies who are new in their walk or ladies who are new to celibacy, their first question may not be, "So are you a Christian?" And even if he says yes, that still means nothing b/c again, not all Christians are abstaining. So it's still necessary at some point to get on the same page about sex, whether he's a "Christian" or not...I just prefer sooner than later.


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## Faith (Feb 1, 2006)

ChildlikeEmpress said:
			
		

> I recently read an interesting point in favor of NOT talking about it right from the get-go.  It was in a book called _The Surrendered Single_, in a section called Avoid Premature Planning:
> 
> _*Sex - Sample questions and comments: "I don't believe in sex before marriage" or "I never have sex on the first date."*
> 
> ...


It happened with one of my ex-es.  We're kissing on the couch he says lets go to your room. I'm like for what?  LOL!  Then I proceeded to tell him...sorry guy, no sex tonight or any other night before marriage..lol. We lasted about 2-3 weeks longer before he dumped me..ha.


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## Faith (Feb 1, 2006)

AnnDriena_ said:
			
		

> Why in the world would a *Christian* man even worry about whether or not you will have sex with him? *HE* should be abstaining also. Premarital sex shouldn't even be a topic in a Christ centered relationship.
> 
> 
> Or are we talking about Christian women dating non Christian men? Please correct me if that's what we are talking about and I'm off point. Thanks. Great topic by the way.


AMEN! But sadly I'm hearing a lot of "Christians" going on about how it's ok to have sex if you're in a committed relationship or if there's talks of marriage. WTH?!  I wish somebody would point that out to me in the bible.  I guess I missed that passage.  Many are also pew warmers so you get that "Christian" label but nothing on the inside to support that label.


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## Isis (Feb 1, 2006)

Divine Inspiration said:
			
		

> Ok, in response to the "He shound already know if he's a Christian" argument...
> 
> *I've run into many men who profess to be "Christian" and/or men who I've met in church who have sex like a horny goat. The fact that he says he's a Christian does NOT mean that he abstains from pre-marital sex. As a matter off fact, I've run into more church-going men who want sex than those who don't. In spite of their professed religous beliefs, not all of them understand and appreciate the value in waiting until marriage*.
> 
> ...


Very well said.
I totally agree about communicaton and laying out all of the cards too at the beginning. And yes, I've met way too many "Christian" men in and out of church who _only_ have sex on the mind.  It really is up to women to set those boundaries from the beginning and make sure it's clearly understood.


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## firecracker (Feb 2, 2006)

at the Pew Warmers comment. Chile one sin can make you a pew warmer.  No one and I mean no one is without sin. Many of you bring up valid and powerful points. Unless you spend time on many levels with a man you will not know his commitment to God or self. You can meet a man in church and on the street that will be fighting and possibly indulging sexual urges. It really is about your dedication and spiritual walk not his wants. Men do think about sex about 75% of the time . Thats like most of the day and their life. I also don't think every man should be considered a possible mate or future husband.  Dating is about meeting and socializing not sex.  Just my 02cents.


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## Faith (Feb 2, 2006)

latia said:
			
		

> at the Pew Warmers comment. Chile one sin can make you a pew warmer.  No one and I mean no one is without sin. Many of you bring up valid and powerful points. Unless you spend time on many levels with a man you will not know his commitment to God or self. You can meet a man in church and on the street that will be fighting and possibly indulging sexual urges. It really is about your dedication and spiritual walk not his wants. Men do think about sex about 75% of the time . Thats like most of the day and their life. I also don't think every man should be considered a possible mate or future husband.  Dating is about meeting and socializing not sex.  Just my 02cents.


Let me clarify.  I understand that NOBODY is without sin.  Come on now...
BUT I was referring to men who do NOT have a relationship with GOD. AT ALL.  They go to church for show and to pick up women OR because their family does and it's supposedly the "right" thing to do.  Men/people who are not really about God and do not care to have a relationship with him.  Pew warmers.  They come into it as a social event only.  Something to do on Sunday.  Pew warmers.  They throw the "Christian" label around cause you can catch them there on Sunday but beyond that there is NOTHING there.  Yes, you can be a Christian and sin...I do...we all do.  BUT not what I was referring to.


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## caligirl (Feb 4, 2006)

What is the big deal about waiting until after marriage for sex?  From what I've read here, it seems like a way to get a man to marry you.  Not all people who are dating are looking for marriage.  Maybe they are just looking for companionship, or to socialize.
Why shouldn't two people are in monogamous relationship and attracted to one another (physically, emotionally, etc.) be able to make love?


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## Topher (Feb 4, 2006)

Christian or not, muslim or not, catholic or not, whatever or not. If you women don't want sex before marriage, tell me NOW. Well, maybe not NOW, because I don't know most of you , but if we get talking for a couple days or weeks and I have an obvious interest in you, then tell me ASAP.  I know most of you women don't want to lead a guy on and at the same time you don't want scare us away, but if you're hard set into not having pre marital sex and I'm into having right-now sex, then spill the beans please. Proloning this kind of inevitability only makes telling me "no sex" a lot harder when you finally have to.


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## locabouthair (Feb 4, 2006)

caligirl said:
			
		

> *What is the big deal about waiting until after marriage for sex?  From what I've read here, it seems like a way to get a man to marry you.*  Not all people who are dating are looking for marriage.  Maybe they are just looking for companionship, or to socialize.
> *Why shouldn't two people are in monogamous relationship and attracted to one another (physically, emotionally, etc.) be able to make love?*



        I don't know if you are christian or not but people who abstain until they are married, including myself chose to do so because the Bible says to flee from fornication, pre marital sex is a sin. Now I'm not pointing fingers at you or anyone else who does has premarital sex because sin is sin. If I steal in God's eyes that is the same as me having sex. even though I don't have sex I struggle with other sins as well.


            I can't speak for anyone else but I never saw abstaining as a way to get a man to marry me. In some cases and this has happened to myself, abstaining can sometimes drive a guy away. Depending on the person's character. I think abstaining makes it harder for me to find someone but I will still do it. I also don't think that waiting until I am married will guarantee that my husband won't cheat or we might end up divorced because things happen.


          To answer the last part, If I believe that if you are going to have sex outside of marriage you should at least do it in a monagmous relationship with someone you care about. So I understand where you are coming from.  But I abstain because of what the Bible says.


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## Blossssom (Feb 4, 2006)

Great explanations by Ms. AnnDriena which, of course, coincides with what I said...

Who is Topher?


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## Divine Inspiration (Feb 4, 2006)

locabouthair said:
			
		

> I don't know if you are christian or not but people who abstain until they are married, including myself chose to do so because the Bible says to flee from fornication, pre marital sex is a sin. Now I'm not pointing fingers at you or anyone else who does has premarital sex because sin is sin. If I steal in God's eyes that is the same as me having sex. even though I don't have sex I struggle with other sins as well.
> 
> 
> I can't speak for anyone else but I never saw abstaining as a way to get a man to marry me. In some cases and this has happened to myself, abstaining can sometimes drive a guy away. Depending on the person's character. I think abstaining makes it harder for me to find someone but I will still do it. I also don't think that waiting until I am married will guarantee that my husband won't cheat or we might end up divorced because things happen.
> ...



Well said. In addiiton to that, even if I wasn't a Christian, I still wouldn't be having pre-marital sex. Honestly, for me it has less to do with a "religous" teaching than it does my well-being. I don't want a baby under any circumstances in the next 5 years. I know this to be a fact. Therefore, I choose to abstain. Furthermore, look at all the disease that's rampant. SO many people have *something* these days that IMO, you can't be too careful. I agree that in theory having sex with someone you are monogamous w/, etc is ideal and "harmless" but there's just too much going on. IMO, having sex requires due diligence...you have to do research and background checks (medical history, etc) so I just choose to abstain. It's a fool proof way to avoid getting pregnant and be disease-free.  

Besides that, abstaining in no way is a technique for getting a man to marry you as far as I'm concerned. A grown man will do what he wants to do, and contrary to popular belief, he does have control over his instrument...whether he chooses to exert it is a different issue. So if he loves you and wants to marry you, he'll do whether he's had sex with you or not...if he doesn't, he'll drop you or cheat on you or worse whether you've had sex or not. I definitely think society has changed the definition of sex and its parameters. As a result, many people believe that if a woman has chosen to preserve herself she's a prude or she's "young & "naive" or she needs to "lighten up" or  she's a super religous, scripture quotin, Bible-totin' holy roller. Oftentimes, none of the above or true...it's simply a matter of self-preservation and more often than not, the man she decides to commit to can appreciate her self-control and respect for him.

The other thing is that not all people date socially and not all date to find a marriage partner. This complicates things as well b/c some women only date men who they would consider marrying. In this instance, she's not nearly as likely to be sleeping with every dude she runs into b/c she's probably trying to pick his brain to see what he's about. These women are typically patient enough to delay pleasure for the sake of a greater cause. 

And ITA w/ Loca...other people who have sex are doing them, and I am the last one to be telling somebody how they need to live...at the same time, other people shouldn't be criticizing or ridiculing how I choose to live.

Live and let live.


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## Divine Inspiration (Feb 4, 2006)

Blossssom said:
			
		

> Great explanations by Ms. AnnDriena which, of course, coincides with what I said...
> 
> Who is Topher?



You didn't see the thread about him in OT? He's our participating male member!!!  Go Topher, Go Toper!


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## HoneyDew (Feb 4, 2006)

This is a great thread guys. I have loved reading all of the responses.

I do have premarital sex and it bothers me.

My BF and I were at a cafe talking about our spirituality because he wants me to go to church with him. He goes - I don't.

I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness but now I don't know what I want - I just know I SO need something!

I told him that the one thing in my life that bothers me is that we do go there.

At the same time, I am not ready to marry him because I don't want to live with anyone right now. But, at the same time, I love him so much, guys.

I think about it more and more often as our relationship progresses. How can I sit in church or even my Mom's Kingdom Hall (as the JW's call it) with this on my head?

Anyway, my long response is just to let you guys know how much I admire you for being able to stick with this while dating these days.


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## firecracker (Feb 4, 2006)

caligirl said:
			
		

> What is the big deal about waiting until after marriage for sex? From what I've read here, it seems like a way to get a man to marry you. Not all people who are dating are looking for marriage. Maybe they are just looking for companionship, or to socialize.
> *Why shouldn't two people are in monogamous relationship and attracted to one another (physically, emotionally, etc.) be able to make love?*




* Read the good book/Bible baby.  That answer is plain as day.  *


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## MissJ (Feb 4, 2006)

I told my boyfriend, WCG, the day after he asked me to be his girlfriend.  Well, I only said it, because he brought up the subject.  Then he was like, "Well, I guess I'll have to be celebate then."  Months down the line, he started getting antsy.  I was like, "I told you in the beginning."  He said that all girls say that, and he hadn't really believed me.  I guess he believes me now.  

I think you should tell the person as soon as possible.


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## caligirl (Feb 4, 2006)

Divine Inspiration said:
			
		

> Well said. In addiiton to that, even if I wasn't a Christian, I still wouldn't be having pre-marital sex. Honestly, for me it has less to do with a "religous" teaching than it does my well-being. I don't want a baby under any circumstances in the next 5 years. I know this to be a fact. Therefore, I choose to abstain. Furthermore, look at all the disease that's rampant. SO many people have *something* these days that IMO, you can't be too careful. I agree that in theory having sex with someone you are monogamous w/, etc is ideal and "harmless" but there's just too much going on. IMO, having sex requires due diligence...you have to do research and background checks (medical history, etc) so I just choose to abstain. It's a fool proof way to avoid getting pregnant and be disease-free.
> 
> Besides that, abstaining in no way is a technique for getting a man to marry you as far as I'm concerned. A grown man will do what he wants to do, and contrary to popular belief, he does have control over his instrument...whether he chooses to exert it is a different issue. So if he loves you and wants to marry you, he'll do whether he's had sex with you or not...if he doesn't, he'll drop you or cheat on you or worse whether you've had sex or not. I definitely think society has changed the definition of sex and its parameters. As a result, many people believe that if a woman has chosen to preserve herself she's a prude or she's "young & "naive" or she needs to "lighten up" or  she's a super religous, scripture quotin, Bible-totin' holy roller. Oftentimes, none of the above or true...it's simply a matter of self-preservation and more often than not, the man she decides to commit to can appreciate her self-control and respect for him.
> 
> ...



I agree that there are MANY good reasons to abstain from sex, some of which you have mentioned.  I don't agree that women should have to remain "pure" for their husbands, expecially when the same is not expected of men.


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## Divine Inspiration (Feb 5, 2006)

caligirl said:
			
		

> I agree that there are MANY good reasons to abstain from sex, some of which you have mentioned.  I don't agree that women should have to remain "pure" for their husbands, expecially when the same is not expected of men.



First let me say that I totally appreciate you for this civil response...things have been getting outta hand around here lately.  
And I agree that the double standard in our society is ridiculous. This is part of the reason I don't adhere to any particular religous sect b/c frankly some of it is sexist shullbit, and there is no male or female in Christ. So the idea, IMO, is that the man can see the value in remaining abstinent (i.e. no baby mommas, diseases, etc) and we can mutually benefit from the other being smart prior to our romantic venture.


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## Divine Inspiration (Feb 5, 2006)

HoneyDew said:
			
		

> This is a great thread guys. I have loved reading all of the responses.
> 
> I do have premarital sex and it bothers me.
> 
> ...



 IMO, it takes a big person to acknowledge something they're unhappy with within themselves and bare that shortcoming to other people. Props to you for that...

I'm wondering why there has to be a choice made between being married and abstaining? Do you feel like you can't be with him and not be sexually active?


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## shunemite (Feb 5, 2006)

I always bring it up in like the first week. I tell him, "there's a lot of things we'll do together as a couple. Sex isn't one of them. So if that's something you need in a relationship you might as well dump me right now". I'm 26, and I've never been dumped because I never had sex with the guy!


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## firecracker (Feb 5, 2006)

Divine Inspiration said:
			
		

> First let me say that I totally appreciate you for this civil response...things have been getting outta hand around here lately.
> *And I agree that the double standard in our society is ridiculous.* This is part of the reason I don't adhere to any particular religous sect b/c frankly some of it is sexist shullbit, and there is no male or female in Christ. *So the idea, IMO, is that the man can see the value in remaining abstinent (i.e. no baby mommas, diseases, etc) and we can mutually benefit from the other being smart prior to our romantic venture*.


 
Sho ya rite!


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