# Why did God send me an ugly man?



## destiny30 (Mar 14, 2007)

I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been single and celibate for four years.   I've been waiting  and praying to God for a husband.  God is answering my prayers.  He sent a nice anointed man into my life.  He likes me a lot.  The only problem is that he isn't attractive, and doesn't fit my physical description of a potential mate.  He asked me on a date.  Should I give him a date or just keep waiting?


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## Enchantmt (Mar 14, 2007)

LOL...ugly folx need love too.  (Hoping mine is handsome...j/k...sorta )
I dont mean to laugh at your situation but the way you phased your question is so funny. 

As I've gotten older I've realized that ugly is relative. Someone can be very handsome, cover-model fine, and have such an ugly attitude that they become repulsive to look at.  Other folx can be aesthetically challenged  , but they have such a good heart, and such a good personality, well groomed, etc that they become attractive.  For me its had to be around someone I like, whose personality I like and not have them take on some level of attractiveness, so it makes me wonder if are worried about his looks or worried about what others will think of his looks. I think sometimes what we think others EXPECT us to have colors our decisions. So, dont date him if you have zero chemistry, but dont dismiss him based solely on his looks. I dont believe in dating folx you arent attracted to. The physical isnt the most important, but it is equally important to other qualities folx have.  Besides, even if this person isnt your romantic destiny, they can still end up as a very good friend, (who has handsome friends they can introduce you to.  )


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## crlsweetie912 (Mar 14, 2007)

BINGO:
We have to be really careful what we ask God for.  You wanted a person who loves the Lord and who could be a husband.  (probably left out superfine in your prayers)  But at this stage in my life, if I met a good guy who was good to me and loved God and I had things in common with, looks would be way down on my throw him to the curb list.
And besides, it's just a date.


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## PaperClip (Mar 14, 2007)

You do have free wil. You don't have to take it if you don't want it. And trust, if he's a real good man, the Lord will direct him to someone who will appreciate him (Shrug).


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## Shimmie (Mar 14, 2007)

I'm laughing here too.  Not at you precious OP, but at the way you put it.  I can ony imagine the expression on your face when you first saw that he was not what you expected.   

But as Enchantment shared, ugly is relative.  It really is.  And actually unfair to apply to any man of God.   Granted, there are degrees of physical attraction and we all have our different tastes; but never ugly can a true man of God be.  Never.  What if a man thought the same of you? 

You cannot be fair to this man or to yourself or to God, if you 'make yourself' go out with him.  Love isn't something that is forced, it just happens and it connects two hearts no matter what the two look like physically.  That's truly the best love of all.  

Don't do this to him.  How unfair to his heart.  How unfair to yours as a daughter of God our Father.   The real question to ask is, 'Father, what is in my heart?  Show me beyond the surface part of me and allow me to see, what is in my heart.   If this be the man for me...let it flow.  If not, let him go.  I place this into your hands and not my eyes to make the right decison, in Jesus' name.  Amen. "

(((( Hugs )))) to you, angel.   I've been there.  But then I had to see what was so much prettier about me, to call any man of God, ugly.  For to call him ugly, was saying I was better than he was.   I learned that I wasn't so pretty after all. 

I bet this man is more beautiful inside and out than one could ever imagine.  He's a man of God and I'd rather sleep beside him as my husband than any Denzel or of his kind, any night.  And I'd love him...all over.


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## dlewis (Mar 14, 2007)

When I first got with my husband my mother said, "Please don't have children with him".  I thought he was a little hard on the eyes but after 10 years together it's not so hard for me to look at him. 

He could be a real gem like my husband.


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## SweetCaramel1 (Mar 14, 2007)

i would give him a date to see how it goes.  his heart, character and personality may outweigh his appearance.  looks do fade with time, however, if you are not attracted to him after the date (because of looks, personality, family issues, whatever)  i wouldn't waste more time with him on an intimate level.  maybe you can being friends.  imo there must be at least a _minor_ attraction between a man and a woman.   sometimes the attraction is physical sometimes it's not.  it depends you.


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## Shimmie (Mar 14, 2007)

dlewis said:
			
		

> When I first got with my husband my mother said, "Please don't have children with him". I thought he was a little hard on the eyes but after 10 years together it's not so hard for me to look at him.
> 
> He could be a real gem like my husband.


And he's a real 'deer' hunter.  He's still looking for that deer who attacked his sweet baby girl (you) today...


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## dlewis (Mar 14, 2007)

Shimmie said:
			
		

> And he's a real 'deer' hunter.  He's still looking for that deer who attacked his sweet baby girl (you) today...




yeap, that's my sweetie


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## BlkManWithSomeSense (Mar 14, 2007)

Looks fade but character is eternal.


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## kbragg (Mar 14, 2007)

Think of it this way....Jesus wasn't attractive at all and no doubt He'd have made the perfect husband

*Isaiah 53*

 1Who hath believed our report? and to whom is the arm of the LORD revealed? 

 2For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant, and as a root out of a dry ground: *he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him, there is no beauty that we should desire him.* 

 3He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. 

 4Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. 

 5But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. 

 6All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all. 

 7He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth: he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so he openeth not his mouth. 

 8He was taken from prison and from judgment: and who shall declare his generation? for he was cut off out of the land of the living: for the transgression of my people was he stricken. 

 9And he made his grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death; because he had done no violence, neither was any deceit in his mouth. 

 10Yet it pleased the LORD to bruise him; he hath put him to grief: when thou shalt make his soul an offering for sin, he shall see his seed, he shall prolong his days, and the pleasure of the LORD shall prosper in his hand. 

 11He shall see of the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied: by his knowledge shall my righteous servant justify many; for he shall bear their iniquities. 

 12Therefore will I divide him a portion with the great, and he shall divide the spoil with the strong; because he hath poured out his soul unto death: and he was numbered with the transgressors; and he bare the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors.


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## PaperClip (Mar 14, 2007)

BlkManWithSomeSense said:
			
		

> Looks fade but character is eternal.


 
I know you're serious...erplexed but if this thread had originated from a man/male, would you say the same thing, seeing at how "visual" they are  (pun intended from the other thread!)


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## **Tasha*Love** (Mar 14, 2007)

I like what you had to say Shimmie...you summed up everything that I was thinking....


			
				Shimmie said:
			
		

> I'm laughing here too.  Not at you precious OP, but at the way you put it.  I can ony imagine the expression on your face when you first saw that he was not what you expected.
> 
> But as Enchantment shared, ugly is relative.  It really is.  And actually unfair to apply to any man of God.   Granted, there are degrees of physical attraction and we all have our different tastes; but never ugly can a true man of God be.  Never.  What if a man thought the same of you?
> 
> ...


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## cocoberry10 (Mar 14, 2007)

destiny30 said:
			
		

> I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've been single and celibate for four years.   I've been waiting  and praying to God for a husband.  God is answering my prayers.  He sent a nice anointed man into my life.  He likes me a lot.  The only problem is that he isn't attractive, and doesn't fit my physical description of a potential mate.  He asked me on a date.  Should I give him a date or just keep waiting?




Now, let's not jump the gun Destiny30!  This man may or may not be the one.  Sometimes we as women get so excited and eager and you can't know exactly why God has put this man into your life just yet.

MAYBE HE HAS A SUPERFINE COUSIN, OR FRIEND that he will introduce you to or somehow connect you to.  Maybe he will be one of your best friends.  Maybe he will be someone you will go on a simple date with just for practice   .  Or, maybe he is the one.  Only time and the Holy Spirit's discernment will show you what this man coming into your life is.

So I say, relax, relate, and release.  Be calm and then decide how you want to proceed!


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## live2bgr8 (Mar 14, 2007)

BlkManWithSomeSense said:
			
		

> Looks fade but character is eternal.


Amen... 


To the OP:
Do you think God thinks he created an ugly man? In other words, are any of us ugly in the eyes of God?

If you are not attracted to him, perhaps you may not be ready for a relationship with this particular guy... erplexed


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## Shimmie (Mar 14, 2007)

*His Heart...*

Sometimes I wonder....

Why I spend so much time at the gym? 
45 minutes on the Treadmill; 
25 minutes with weights; 
hours at home with body stretches 
hours at numerous Dance classes 
at home -- more Dance... 
Focusing on my appearance never ends...
And though I'm no teenie weenie Barbie Doll...

Yet I wonder...

As I workout in the gym, I can see out of the large wall-to-wall window, a man and a woman walking hand in hand, just talking and smiling full of joy. 

But....what does he see in her?  The man who is holding the hand of a woman whose size is not so small; who really has -- no sexy figure at all.  

Yet, what does he see in her?  She wears a ragged ponytail...I don't. She needs to polish her toenails and smooth out the heels of her feet; I wear pretty sandals, with pretty pink toes; she has on dirty flip flops chipped polish on her toes;  She has a harsh sounding voice, I don't.  Her clothes are in disaray, mine are neatly draped... 

Hmmmmm, I no longer wonder...

For it's not what he sees in her, instead it's what she sees in him.   A man of heart and loving soul who holds her dear, in public and at home unashamed.  A man who sees past all of the outward imperfections and sees only the woman who somehow captured his heart; the woman to whom he committed never to depart.   

What does he see in her?  Reflecting from her, he sees the better man that he's always wanted to be; the better man loving her totally and completely... eternally.  

No wonder...


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## live2bgr8 (Mar 14, 2007)

Shimmie said:
			
		

> I'm laughing here too. Not at you precious OP, but at the way you put it. I can ony imagine the expression on your face when you first saw that he was not what you expected.
> 
> *But as Enchantment shared, ugly is relative. It really is. And actually unfair to apply to any man of God. Granted, there are degrees of physical attraction and we all have our different tastes; but never ugly can a true man of God be. Never. What if a man thought the same of you? *
> 
> ...


 
I'm so glad you said this! I had jumped in with my quick 2 cents before reading many of the responses...  Enchantment and you, as well as many of the other posters, have made many good points. 

Beauty is relative and it fades over time. But a man who fears the Lord is to be praised. (A quick twist on Proverbs 31)


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## Glib Gurl (Mar 14, 2007)

Hey There

I have been in your situation and even though it's easier to give advice and take it, I say give him a chance.  It's interesting.  They were talking about this just this morning on Tom Joyner.  Al Roker was the guest.  Tom asked him, "So, how did you hook up with _fiiiine_ Deborah Roberts?"  And Al explained that he was "just a friend" from the industry -- she was dating athletes and investment bankers and such.  (Now remember, this is pre-gastric bypass Al Roker!)  So, one weekend she asked him to house sit and when he got to her apartment, he described it as the "typical single woman's apartment."  Specifically, there was nothing in the fridge except a bottle of champagne, some cheese, and maybe one other thing.  So, he decided to cook her something.  But, when he looked in her oven, he found that cardboard still in it -- so she had never cooked in the oven!  So, before the weekend was over, he stocked her refrigerator and left her fresh flowers on the table.  Then, he left the friend zone and went into the dating zone.

Both Tom (who is also married to an attractive woman his junior) and Al were like, "Look.  Give the ugly dudes a chance!  You *know* that the Matt Lauers of the world are only gonna go down hill!  But we can get better!"


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## Shimmie (Mar 14, 2007)

kelouis75 said:
			
		

> I'm so glad you said this! I had jumped in with my quick 2 cents before reading many of the responses... Enchantment and you, as well as many of the other posters, have made many good points.
> 
> Beauty is relative and it fades over time. But a man who fears the Lord is to be praised. *(A quick twist on Proverbs 31*)


 
What a wonderful 'twist' ...   I love it. 

You know, it's us, the women who really make the men.  What we say and do matters from the moment a male is conceived within our womb.  The men we love reflect what we project and say about them, early on.  

Ever notice that every mother's baby is the most beautiful?  How every mother's son, is the smartest and most handsome; every father's daughter is the most beautiful and his son the most skilled in sports and the 'guy' things that matter? 

May I add another twist?   Beauty lives on and continues to bud and grow. What fades are the lies that mis-define what Beauty truly is.  

And that's all I see, for the man who lives in my heart, his total beauty is all I see inside and out.    Love does that.  Love makes everything beautiful and *NO Illusion*... it really is.


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## LizLeila (Mar 14, 2007)

Maybe when you come to know him as a person, you will see the beauty of him.  That has happened to me.  I thought I had a certain "type".  I met a man who I connected with on EVERY level, except he didnt really fit the body type I was looking for.  I am so thankful I did not pass him up, because although we are not together today, he was truly a blessing to my life at that time.   

On the other hand, if you have been faithful and diligent (and specific, cuz God brings surprises at times) that you want a certain man and he isnt it, then let him go because he may not be what is in store for you.  I pray that you have the eyes to see this man for who he TRULY is in all aspects of his character and person, positive and negative.


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## He_Leads_I_follow (Mar 14, 2007)

Hi Destiny-

I've been waiting for 8 years. Just becuase he asked you out doesn't make him the one. Did you think every guy that asked you out before the Kingdom were potential mates?? Probably not. I just think we sometimes put too much pressure on ourselves and men. I think the problem is that while we ascend to Agape love it can be confused with romantic love when it is between the opposite sex. We don't know what true Agape feels like so it can make you think that this person may be the one and all you are feeling is the affectionate love that God wants us to have for one another. So then the "weirdness" enters in. Is it him? Is it her? Is HE the one? 

No, my sister just relax. The light within you is already attractive along with your physical beauty!  So prepare yourself for a few men asking you out. The enemy will send his crew to detract you and the Lord will send HIS selection to bless you. No I don't beleive in one choice for each person. As long as we have free will , you're free to choose between the short man of God and the tall man of God!


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## Shimmie (Mar 14, 2007)

Natasha2005 said:
			
		

> I like what you had to say Shimmie...you summed up everything that I was thinking....


 
Hey Natasha...  (((Sister Hugs)))


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## BlkManWithSomeSense (Mar 15, 2007)

RelaxerRehab said:
			
		

> I know you're serious...erplexed but if this thread had originated from a man/male, would you say the same thing, seeing at how "visual" they are  (pun intended from the other thread!)


 
Ive never been caught up in looks because I indulge in a lot of 'forward thinking', meaning when I see a woman I picture whether I can see myself with her for a long time. While other men are thinking of how good she looks on his arm, I'm only concerned if she is someone that I can trust and love. I want to know if she will be supportive in my goals (as I will be with hers) and would she be there if all I had in this world was the clothes on my back and the faith in my heart.

Looks are really superficial. Id rather be with a woman who looks like the armpit of a chia pet than a model because I NEED someone who is truly sincere. Unfortunately, many men dont feel this way and they get caught up in looks and how she will look in front of his 'boys'. I guess thats why the Lord didnt make me a celebrity because if I was famous, the paparazzi might find me with a woman who looks like tree bark on my arm and I'd make sure every frame of film shows me alllllllllllll hugged up on her cuz she'd be beautiful to me.

Some people gotta understand. Looks dont matter when you're old and grey. You just want companionship and love. You dont care about the world because the world isn't paying you any mind. It's just you two. 

So choose wisely.


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## firecracker (Mar 15, 2007)

Ugly is a frame of mind dawlin! 
You might want to get a lil frisky and worried once you guys date, court, marriage and Whammo _you gotta lil muffin in the oven_.

All I'm really tryin ta say is "don't be scurrrrred"  He may be really beautiful on every other level that you could totally ignore the mugly.


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## Valerie (Mar 15, 2007)

I am laughing so hard.  Heavenly Father has a wicked sense of humour and he is a great wind up.  With God you have to be specific, good-looking, god-fearing man, who will be faithful and can pray for his family.


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## BlkHoneyLuv2U (Mar 15, 2007)

Gurl you betta give that man a chance. After all, its not really about who you love, its about who loves you.* If a monkey kiss you on the lips in the middle of your town square, kiss the monkey back cause the monkey loves you baby!!!*


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## destiny30 (Mar 15, 2007)

Thank  sooooooooo much!  God has used you all to help me see clearer.   I want God's will to be done.  I see God using me with this man for ministry purpose and His Glory.  I admit that  I'm worried about what others think and I've been teased by others because of his looks.  He is a God sent and I'll learn to see through God's eyes and not my eyes.  I repent for calling what God has made ugly. We are fearfully and wonderfully made by God.   
(Blessings Upon Everyone)


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## crlsweetie912 (Mar 15, 2007)

destiny30 said:
			
		

> Thank sooooooooo much! God has used you all to help me see clearer. I want God's will to be done. I see God using me with this man for ministry purpose and His Glory. I* admit that I'm worried about what others think and I've been teased by others because of his looks.* He is a God sent and I'll learn to see through God's eyes and not my eyes. I repent for calling what God has made ugly. We are fearfully and wonderfully made by God.
> (Blessings Upon Everyone)


 
That says VOLUMES.
You can't be worried about what others think.  Most of the "others" that will tease you are the main ones that are unhappy and wish they had someone to love and care about them.  I wish you luck!


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## destiny30 (Mar 15, 2007)

Thank You, I'm going to go on a date with him.  I'll let you know how it turns out.


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## meek&quietspirit (Mar 15, 2007)

It really is the content of the book that matters and not the cover.

Before I married, I dated extremely_ fione_ men and also those that were considered bow-wow-wow's.

My consensus? Just about all of the good looking men, but not all, were so arrogant, full of themselves and downright rude. But, guess what? So were some of the arf-arf's! Boy, not only were some of them ugly outside, but they were ugly inside too, which made it even worse.  But, in my personal opinion, most of the un-attractive men seemed to be much nicer.

Give him a chance. He'll either treat you like a queen or garbage, but that will be determined by the kind of heart he has, not his look's.

I agree with what was mentioned earlier, if he's a good man, and some of your friends had him, they'd be steppin high and could care less about what you or anyone else thought about it.

Finally, _when the lights go out_, you can't tell the difference between cute or ugly.


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## destiny30 (Mar 15, 2007)

Shimmie said:
			
		

> I'm laughing here too. Not at you precious OP, but at the way you put it. I can ony imagine the expression on your face when you first saw that he was not what you expected.
> 
> But as Enchantment shared, ugly is relative. It really is. And actually unfair to apply to any man of God. Granted, there are degrees of physical attraction and we all have our different tastes; but never ugly can a true man of God be. Never. What if a man thought the same of you?
> 
> ...


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## Shimmie (Mar 15, 2007)

BlkManWithSomeSense said:
			
		

> Ive never been caught up in looks because I indulge in a lot of 'forward thinking', meaning when I see a woman I picture whether I can see myself with her for a long time. While other men are thinking of how good she looks on his arm, I'm only concerned if she is someone that I can trust and love. I want to know if she will be supportive in my goals (as I will be with hers) and would she be there if all I had in this world was the clothes on my back and the faith in my heart.
> 
> Looks are really superficial. Id rather be with a woman who looks like the armpit of a chia pet than a model because I NEED someone who is truly sincere. Unfortunately, many men dont feel this way and they get caught up in looks and how she will look in front of his 'boys'. I guess thats why the Lord didnt make me a celebrity because if I was famous, the paparazzi might find me with a woman who looks like tree bark on my arm and I'd make sure every frame of film shows me alllllllllllll hugged up on her cuz she'd be beautiful to me.
> 
> ...


 
This is so beautiful.... it really is.  

But sir .............................................. the armpit of a chia pet?   

Yet, this is still truly beautiful...truly beautiful, indeed.


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## Shimmie (Mar 15, 2007)

destiny30 said:
			
		

> Thank You, I'm going to go on a date with him. I'll let you know how it turns out.


 
Before you do, please ask yourself, 'why?'  Make sure the Father gives you the answer.   You see, he may fall in love with you (if he hasn't already).  And then you'll have more to deal with...his feelings vs yours.  He's already shown that he has feelings for you.

I've learned to NEVER encourage a man.  In all the years of my celibacy, I never encouraged a man who showed signs that he cared for me, when I knew that my feelings were not the same.   I did not want to fan the flames or give him false hopes.     

I know it's been done to 'us' as women time and again with men who were playing games (not all play games).   But men *do have* true and deep feelings and when they fall in love, *it's for real.*   And their feelings matter.  Just like ours, they matter.  You either want him or you don't.  

Deep down, you already 'know' how you feel about him.  Dating him at this point is not going to change how you feel about him, if you know deep down he's not the one you want to be with.  Face up to it and face up to the fact that it's OKAY if you do not feel the same way about him; but it's not okay to encourage him.   

Going out on a date with him just to be nice or to heed 'our' advise *may not be what God is telling you to do.* *Ask God first to lead you and guide you and to be 'fair' to this man's heart. *  Don't encourage him unless you truly feel you can overlook what doesn't appeal to you about him.  

Precious one, don't be ashamed of being disappointed; you're human.  And we do learn.   Be the beauty that you are, and just don't make it worse for him by going out on a pity or a 'shame on you date'.  Ask God first.

All the best...


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## Christa438 (Mar 15, 2007)

I didn't want to post my thoughts on the thread for fear of being scolded or disagreed with. But this is my opinion and I am speaking it to *you, Destiny,* so Iâ€™ve decided to be brave. I want what I consider a package in a man. I have been fooled on the personality part by a couple of guys though in my past. They weren't what they appeared. You live and learn. I'm quite sure that I've passed up some good-looking *good* guys for some good-looking *bad* guys in my past! However, I still like what I call a package and I don't feel I need to settle or change any of my standards. I learned that I do have to *look deeper* though. I believe I can have it all. I don't think Iâ€™m shallow since any guy must have *more* to him than looks (man of God, sensitive, compassionate, loving, caring, trustworthy, honest, faithful, strong leader yet supportive, & have a _decent_ job). You know what? I feel that Iâ€™m a package that's worthy of a package in return. I do believe that people were blessed with different talents and gifts. I think beauty is an anointing/gift. Some have it and still are blessed with other talents/ gifts. Some people may not have beauty and may have another gift/talent or many other gifts and talents. I want me and my handsome husband to grow old together and for our looks to â€œfadeâ€ together. {I donâ€™t think beauty on a man or woman fades. I just think it evolves} Some people make women feel like they're hooked on a fairytale and they bring me down but itâ€™s for me to keep my spirit lifted. I don't think I am â€œa dreamerâ€, I just think that what I wanted was never too much to ask especially of God, it's possible, and I have faith. I mean God created all things in six days and sent his only son to die for the people he created and loved. Doesn't this sound like a fairytale to others? But we know it to be possible...we know it to be true and we believe in it with all of our hearts. Why can't we have everything good that we want in a spouse/mate then? Why can't we believe that God would bless us with all that we want and more if we serve him? Didnâ€™t He say He would grant our heartâ€™s desires and isnâ€™t it true that He is all knowing and all powerful beyond imagination? Destiny, This man 'seems' exactly what he appears. But I think you still need to get to know him and stay in prayer. But you can't force yourself to like or to love. It has to happen, it will or it won't. You mentioned that he was anointed and he likes you a lot. I am so glad about that. I guess you will find out what is best when you allow yourself to get to know him. Like someone else said there is a chance that he may not be your ONE. If you do like him or you began to love him once you know him, then like/love him and don't worry about looks. Personally, I've always had cute/handsome boyfriends in my past. But I have kicked some-- handsome & cute, but no good-- to the curb so I considered myself "balanced".   Off topic & not about you: I just thought about this, a friend of mine learned that trying to date ugly ones on purpose just so you don't get hurt does not work either. There are some bad ugly ones just like there are some bad handsome ones.  Thank goodness your guy is annointed.:wink2: 
Sorry this was long. I hope it helps you.


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## destiny30 (Mar 15, 2007)

Christa, thank you for your advice.


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## baby42 (Mar 15, 2007)

crlsweetie912 said:
			
		

> BINGO:
> We have to be really careful what we ask God for. You wanted a person who loves the Lord and who could be a husband. (probably left out superfine in your prayers) But at this stage in my life, if I met a good guy who was good to me and loved God and I had things in common with, looks would be way down on my throw him to the curb list.
> And besides, it's just a date.


 yep


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## Christa438 (Mar 15, 2007)

destiny30 said:
			
		

> Christa, thank you for your advice.


 
You're welcome. You know I do believe God is *all knowing* and* all powerful*. I do believe he knows all my heart's desires. In another thread I mentioned how *depressed* and *unhappy* I was about my short, ugly damaged hair appearance. And I couldn't really get my hair to grow or figure out what I was doing wrong and what were the things that I needed to do. And I did pray to him a few times about it, but I had stopped mentioning the issue in my prayers because I figured...He was just answering to more important things although He may have still understood that that issue was important to me. Well, not too long after I stopped praying about that issue but still mentally thought about it almost every day, *I discovered* *LHCF while doing a search for MORE hair growth products on line and those products most likely would have been another waste of the little money that I had*. And I just knew that he *sent* me the *answer*. *I know that this was the answer because I have definitely seen a healthy change and a bit of growth that I never had before. I love HIM and I get emotional sometimes when i just think of HIM because I know this was His way of saying to me "I haven't forgot you, I am God and I am willing and able. I love you." Whenever i see the girls with APL, BSL, or longer I get so excited because i just know that im on my way. Of course I love HIM for who he is and all the things he's done for me through the years. I remember when I was a very little girl and HE healed an injury I had as a little girl and I never went to a doctor but we took the matter to HiM and He's the best doctor. *
*So all that I can tell you is that in time God can grant you EVERYTHING you ask of him and He'll go further to even add the things that you may forget that you need. So In time He will answer you or SEND you "the answer". I know at night when I pray I do thank HIM for answering prayers-not just mine-all others. *


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## Trinity1 (Mar 15, 2007)

I agree with the poster that stated (not verbatim) there is no ugly man, in Gods eyes,everyone is made in his image so they are absolutely beautiful. Also because it is a first date,dont pressure yourself with asking God "why him???" when it is not yet a proposed relationship,just a date.

Another thing to keep in mind is that God knows exactly what we need and want. He also knows the exact chemistry to create that will allow us to fall in love with the man that he chooses for us. Therefore if this man you are going on a date with was for you,you may be asking "why am I so drawn to this man who is not attractive by my standards?" or some similar question.  On the other hand,God is not always instant. Sometimes it will take you a date or two to feel drawn to this man (if its Gods will)...but God will answer your question sooner rather than later because this situation is time sensitive....meaning God knows that if you go out on a first date and feel no connection,you wont be going out with this man again...so God will answer quickly for you.

Good luck! and I hope you find your man soon.

Pray for me too....I've been patiently waiting for 8 years!....LOL...

TeeTee2


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## live2bgr8 (Mar 15, 2007)

crlsweetie912 said:
			
		

> That says VOLUMES.
> You can't be worried about what others think. *Most of the "others" that will tease you are the main ones that are unhappy and wish they had someone to love and care about them.* I wish you luck!


 
You ain't lyin'! erplexed To take from the other threads "Don't let 'haters' mess up the good thing that you could have going with this guy if you really want it."


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## live2bgr8 (Mar 15, 2007)

Shimmie said:
			
		

> What a wonderful 'twist' ...  I love it.
> 
> *You know, it's us, the women who really make the men. What we say and do matters from the moment a male is conceived within our womb. The men we love reflect what we project and say about them, early on.*
> 
> ...


 
Thanks.  and to the bolded: Amen, amen, amen


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## Country gal (Mar 15, 2007)

Glib Gurl said:
			
		

> Hey There
> 
> I have been in your situation and even though it's easier to give advice and take it, I say give him a chance.  It's interesting.  They were talking about this just this morning on Tom Joyner.  Al Roker was the guest.  Tom asked him, "So, how did you hook up with _fiiiine_ Deborah Roberts?"  And Al explained that he was "just a friend" from the industry -- she was dating athletes and investment bankers and such.  (Now remember, this is pre-gastric bypass Al Roker!)  So, one weekend she asked him to house sit and when he got to her apartment, he described it as the "typical single woman's apartment."  Specifically, there was nothing in the fridge except a bottle of champagne, some cheese, and maybe one other thing.  So, he decided to cook her something.  But, when he looked in her oven, he found that cardboard still in it -- so she had never cooked in the oven!  So, before the weekend was over, he stocked her refrigerator and left her fresh flowers on the table.  Then, he left the friend zone and went into the dating zone.
> 
> Both Tom (who is also married to an attractive woman his junior) and Al were like, "Look.  Give the ugly dudes a chance!  You *know* that the Matt Lauers of the world are only gonna go down hill!  But we can get better!"




Thanks for telling the story. I heard the ending and didn't realize it was Al. Just be careful. I am involved with someone who is not my flavor. I find myself being on him about the way he looks. I like Dapper guys who are refined, smelling good and like to look their best. I have to remind him to get a haircut, put on cologne, help him pick out his wardrobe. We are so different that I wonder if we were really ordained by God. I prayed for a good man, a man to be a companion and a friend to me and my son. He came along.


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## Bunny77 (Mar 17, 2007)

cocoberry10 said:
			
		

> *Now, let's not jump the gun Destiny30!  This man may or may not be the one.  Sometimes we as women get so excited and eager and you can't know exactly why God has put this man into your life just yet.*
> 
> MAYBE HE HAS A SUPERFINE COUSIN, OR FRIEND that he will introduce you to or somehow connect you to.  Maybe he will be one of your best friends.  Maybe he will be someone you will go on a simple date with just for practice   .  Or, maybe he is the one.  Only time and the Holy Spirit's discernment will show you what this man coming into your life is.
> 
> So I say, relax, relate, and release.  Be calm and then decide how you want to proceed!



Exactly! You don't know if God sent this man to you or not... I mean, in the sense that you're thinking of... you've been praying for a mate, but that doesn't mean that the first nice guy that crosses your path is the one that God sent to you! 

We women get ourselves in waaaay too much trouble thinking like this... deciding that God sent him for THAT reason and we just met the guy! 

It's just a date. Go on the date if you'd like and have fun. You don't have to marry him after the date or make him your BF. Get to know him... and sometimes, if an emotional attraction is there, then the person becomes more attractive in your eyes. So see what happens, but don't force anything just because he's nice and kind. I mean, that's GREAT and shouldn't be overlooked, but don't sell yourself short if there's absolutely no attraction after you see him a few times.


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## cocoberry10 (Mar 17, 2007)

Bunny77 said:
			
		

> Exactly! You don't know if God sent this man to you or not... I mean, in the sense that you're thinking of... you've been praying for a mate, but that doesn't mean that the first nice guy that crosses your path is the one that God sent to you!
> 
> We women get ourselves in waaaay too much trouble thinking like this... deciding that God sent him for THAT reason and we just met the guy!
> 
> *It's just a date. Go on the date if you'd like and have fun. You don't have to marry him after the date or make him your BF. Get to know him... and sometimes, if an emotional attraction is there, then the person becomes more attractive in your eyes. So see what happens, but don't force anything just because he's nice and kind. I mean, that's GREAT and shouldn't be overlooked, but don't sell yourself short if there's absolutely no attraction after you see him a few times*.



Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

I co-sign on your entire post!  Excellent and well said sister!


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## locabouthair (Mar 17, 2007)

i agree with bunny77 and cocoberry. good luck with everything!


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## calliope (Mar 17, 2007)

RelaxerRehab said:
			
		

> You do have free wil. You don't have to take it if you don't want it. And trust, if he's a real good man, the Lord will direct him to someone who will appreciate him (Shrug).


 
I definitely second this- you don't have to take him.  In fact, you don't need to take anyone to be whole if the Lord is in charge of your life.  I would give him a chance though, it's amazing what time and love can do.  

P.S. I've always heard that it's better for the woman to be the "prettier" one in the relationship- keeps his behind in check .  Because on the flip side, nothing's worse than a man whose prettier than you and never lets you forget it.


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## Hidden_Angel (Mar 17, 2007)

Omg, this is the same thing i'm going through right now...


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## Nonie (Mar 17, 2007)

I tend to ramble so I beg your pardon in advance. I will try my hardest to summarize.

By the time I met my hubby, I'd been out with the coolest dudes in the world. I'd been to heaven and back and been treated like a queen, and I'd also been hurt deeply. When I did hit rock bottom w/ one rlp, I decided to make "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things [you wish for] shall be added unto you" my life's theme. The verse had just been explained to me clearer than ever before: That you must seek to live in the realm where God is King; meaning a life where He rules. He must be first in every aspect of your life. (I used to think the verse meant "seek to go to heaven", but this new explanation spoke volumes.) By the time my last rlp ended, it was obvious to me that I was lousy at choosing a mate on my own. I had tried so hard to be the best g/f I could be, and had come up empty yet again.  I should also mention that I also suffered from the Cinderella Complex. I had to have a man. I needed someone to care for me. I felt incomplete w/o someone to love. I mean, I had so much love to give that it hurt when I had no one to share it w/. So while I didn't go out seeking a mate in clubs or the like (I'm shy you see), I'd pray to have any guy I took a fancy to. And usually I got whomever I asked for. But where were they now?

When I decided to live above the level of mediocrity where only God mattered, I lost the yearning I so desperately had. When they say God can fill any void, it's no lie. But I did do sth. I did write God a letter (a variation to praying on my knees) and tell him the sort of guy I would like someday. I made sure to write the things I liked in past relationships and to leave out the things I didn't care for. Someone said God answers specific prayer so I made the list as detailed as possible. And then put that matter to rest. My focus now was to hang out w/ Father at all times. I was alone but not lonely. I would chat w/ Father about doing laundry or not feeling like going to the store just yet. I'd discuss options when I had to choose one thing or another. I didn't speak out loud; I spoke to Him in my heart. And what fun it was! For the first time in my life, I was not yearning for anything. I was single, sane, secure, satisfied, and (I might also add, in this day and age) safe.

When I first talked to my hubby, I wasn't interested in a b/f-g/f rlp. I was so whole/content in my single state that I really just wanted a buddy to hang out w/. I had so much growing to do that I didn't have time for anyone else, and actually told him from the get-go that I wasn't interested in a rlp that was anything more than platonic. This was over the phone. And he wasn't either. It seemed the big brother/friend I always wanted all my life (I'm the eldest) had finally arrived. I now had a buddy to go to movies w/. He'd had a bad rlp and needed space too. (Now, I do know guys can bluff their way into a rlp like this; but I had God ruling so I didn't even sweat it.)

Now one thing I want emphasize: God knows your heart more than you realize. Remember my letter to God? I said it was specific, but the one thing that didn't matter to me anymore - and yet it was always the most important thing - was looks. To me a beautiful heart mattered more to me at that point than outward appearance. (To understand how serious I was, when I saw The Elephant Man with Anthony Hopkins, I was smitten by John, the EM himself. I remember thinking if I had met him back then, I'd have fallen in love w/ him in a heartbeat, if he was really as beautiful a person inside as depicted in that movie.) So I didn't care if I got a bald, short, fat man (My ideal used to be tall dark and handsome); as long as he could love me as much as I'm able to love and treat me well, I would be the luckiest woman alive. But again, this prayer wasn't for a mate NOW. It was for a mate in the future, ie, the next time I fell in love, whenever that'd be.

Anyway, back to this new friend that I got to know over the phone before we ever met (thanks to a mutual friend). The day he showed up to take me to the movies, I remember being almost hypnotized by his good looks. But I wasn't in my former frame of mind where I'd want to snag him by hook or by crook. I was just flattered that my big bro, who'd be hanging out w/ me would be such a knockout, talk of the perfect accessory.  

To cut a long story short, the friendship grew into a courtship and finally a marriage over a period of 5 years. And believe it or not, he's everything I prayed for to a T (When we'd have a disagreement, I remember thinking "Now why did I forget to mention he had to be different on that area in my prayer?"  LOL) But on a serious note, where God proved to me He is Omniscient and really could've done w/o my so-called spec list is in not only sending me a man that was tall, dark and handsome (my former must-haves) but also throwing in a body like a god's. That last bit just seemed so unattainable considering my past encounters. In fact, I only saw such bodies in magazines. But God knew the apple of my eye and when I left it up to Him, He surprised me by nailing it.)

So I say, seek to live your life in a realm where God rules. Nothing should be done w/o consulting w/ Him. Ask him when you're unsure, and let Him guide you. Proverbs 3:5-6 If this guy tries to put pressure on you, be honest and tell him you're not looking for a rlp of that sort w/ him. But if you allow God to be part of that date, you'll have a wonderful and stressfree rendezvous, and there will be no awkwardness whatsoever.

One last thing I'd like to point out, still along the lines of seeking first the Kingdom of God: anytime something becomes so important to you that it occupies your mind more than God, that thing is turning into an idol. And if you've asked God to direct your life, then you can bet that He will not allow that obsession into your life. (Exodus 20:4-5) Until you surrender that desire to Him...until you make God the most important thing in your life so that those desires lose their grip on you, they will not be added unto you. God wants to have a relationship w/ you that matters more than any other relationship you'll ever have. Once that vertical bond is established, the horizontal one will fall into place. Like a triangle, the closer you draw to God at the apex, the closer your life will draw to one chosen for you by God as the triangle shrinks. Even if you started off w/ someone who wasn't godly, the closer you grow to God and the more you pray for that person, the closer you will find yourself growing to them - again the triangle shrinks.

As far as what outsiders think about the one you end up loving, it won't matter when you know deep inside that what you share is real. The Velveteen Rabbit breaks it down nicely:



> "What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when [he and the Skin Horse] were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
> 
> "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
> 
> ...



Sorry again for being long-winded. Hope something in there was helpful.


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## Enchantmt (Mar 18, 2007)

Great post, Nonie!!


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## Glib Gurl (Mar 18, 2007)

Nonie - thanks for your encouragement!  What a lovely story!!!


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## Shimmie (Mar 19, 2007)

Nonie, this is beautiful...


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## HAIRapy (Apr 5, 2008)

I love this thread...


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## song_of_serenity (Apr 5, 2008)

I wonder what ever became of this situation. Destiny hasn't been on in a very long time.
~*Janelle~*
ETA
Nevermind, I saw the follow up thread.


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## PassionFruit (Apr 8, 2008)

song_of_serenity said:


> I wonder what ever became of this situation. Destiny hasn't been on in a very long time.
> ~*Janelle~*
> ETA
> Nevermind, I saw the follow up thread.


 

I cant find it


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## cocoberry10 (Apr 13, 2008)

PassionFruit said:


> I cant find it


 
Here it is

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/showthread.php?t=123509


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## Theo (Apr 14, 2008)

wow... Nonie's post was awesome.


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## BeautifulRoots (Apr 14, 2008)

freelove said:


> wow... Nonie's post was awesome.



  Yes, I totally agree, it was.  Inspiring story.


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## cocoberry10 (Apr 14, 2008)

*This is a beautiful post*



Nonie said:


> I tend to ramble so I beg your pardon in advance. I will try my hardest to summarize.
> 
> By the time I met my hubby, I'd been out with the coolest dudes in the world. I'd been to heaven and back and been treated like a queen, and I'd also been hurt deeply. When I did hit rock bottom w/ one rlp, I decided to make "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things [you wish for] shall be added unto you" my life's theme. The verse had just been explained to me clearer than ever before: That you must seek to live in the realm where God is King; meaning a life where He rules. He must be first in every aspect of your life. (I used to think the verse meant "seek to go to heaven", but this new explanation spoke volumes.) By the time my last rlp ended, it was obvious to me that I was lousy at choosing a mate on my own. I had tried so hard to be the best g/f I could be, and had come up empty yet again.  I should also mention that I also suffered from the Cinderella Complex. I had to have a man. I needed someone to care for me. I felt incomplete w/o someone to love. I mean, I had so much love to give that it hurt when I had no one to share it w/. So while I didn't go out seeking a mate in clubs or the like (I'm shy you see), I'd pray to have any guy I took a fancy to. And usually I got whomever I asked for. But where were they now?
> 
> ...


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## Kiadodie (Apr 15, 2008)

Nonie girl, that was so beautiful of a story.


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## beautifulisaunderstatment (Apr 15, 2008)

Some dummy somewhere passed up on Bill Gates cuz he didnt look like Brad Pitt. Beauty fades.


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## Highly Favored8 (Apr 15, 2008)

All I am saying is "give love a Chance"

Looks are so superfical it is what is in his heart and How he treats u that is all that matters.

If not another women's trash is another womens treasure.


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## Highly Favored8 (Apr 15, 2008)

Hi, Nonie,
Great post!



Nonie said:


> I tend to ramble so I beg your pardon in advance. I will try my hardest to summarize.
> 
> By the time I met my hubby, I'd been out with the coolest dudes in the world. I'd been to heaven and back and been treated like a queen, and I'd also been hurt deeply. When I did hit rock bottom w/ one rlp, I decided to make "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things [you wish for] shall be added unto you" my life's theme. The verse had just been explained to me clearer than ever before: That you must seek to live in the realm where God is King; meaning a life where He rules. He must be first in every aspect of your life. (I used to think the verse meant "seek to go to heaven", but this new explanation spoke volumes.) By the time my last rlp ended, it was obvious to me that I was lousy at choosing a mate on my own. I had tried so hard to be the best g/f I could be, and had come up empty yet again.  I should also mention that I also suffered from the Cinderella Complex. I had to have a man. I needed someone to care for me. I felt incomplete w/o someone to love. I mean, I had so much love to give that it hurt when I had no one to share it w/. So while I didn't go out seeking a mate in clubs or the like (I'm shy you see), I'd pray to have any guy I took a fancy to. And usually I got whomever I asked for. But where were they now?
> 
> ...


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## Zuhus (May 22, 2008)

Thanks Nonie! Those are the VERY EXACT WORDS I needed to hear TODAY . Funnily enough, God has been Speaking to me about seeking His Kingdom First, which is my goal starting last week. Off to write my letter now 

Thanks again Nonie! I just love this forum


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## Duchesse (May 24, 2008)

Amen Nonie!!! Very wise words.


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## MuseofTroy (May 24, 2008)

RelaxerRehab said:


> You do have free wil. You don't have to take it if you don't want it. And trust, if he's a real good man, the Lord will direct him to someone who will appreciate him (Shrug).


 
Relaxer Rehab, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Pretty isn't everything. I had my share of very attractive men and well it's overrated. Looks fade and if the person doesn't have a good spirit, hard working, honest, and loyal, then those looks mean nothing.

Don't miss out on a wonderful person because of your superficial requirements. I highly doubt the guy is monsterous. He may not look like Boris Kodjoe but if he has amazing qualities in other areas, you might want to at least get to know him.


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## MizzBrown (May 24, 2008)

LOL, I don't blame God for ugly men. I try to say that the devil sent him. God just wouldn't do such a thing..LOL


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## juju (May 25, 2008)

Nonie said:


> I tend to ramble so I beg your pardon in advance. I will try my hardest to summarize.
> 
> By the time I met my hubby, I'd been out with the coolest dudes in the world. I'd been to heaven and back and been treated like a queen, and I'd also been hurt deeply. When I did hit rock bottom w/ one rlp, I decided to make "Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things [you wish for] shall be added unto you" my life's theme. The verse had just been explained to me clearer than ever before: That you must seek to live in the realm where God is King; meaning a life where He rules. He must be first in every aspect of your life. (I used to think the verse meant "seek to go to heaven", but this new explanation spoke volumes.) By the time my last rlp ended, it was obvious to me that I was lousy at choosing a mate on my own. I had tried so hard to be the best g/f I could be, and had come up empty yet again.  I should also mention that I also suffered from the Cinderella Complex. I had to have a man. I needed someone to care for me. I felt incomplete w/o someone to love. I mean, I had so much love to give that it hurt when I had no one to share it w/. So while I didn't go out seeking a mate in clubs or the like (I'm shy you see), I'd pray to have any guy I took a fancy to. And usually I got whomever I asked for. But where were they now?
> 
> ...


 
This story is so inpiring Nonie !


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## cocoberry10 (Jun 20, 2008)

beautifulisaunderstatment said:


> Some dummy somewhere passed up on Bill Gates cuz he didnt look like Brad Pitt. Beauty fades.


 
That's very true.

I'm sure there are a lot of guys who are sorry they screwed Oprah Winfrey too


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## Lucia (Oct 6, 2015)

http://www.jackiefrancois.com/blog/the-devil-wants-you-to-settle-in-your-relationship/


*JACKIE FRANCOIS*
SINGER/SONGWRITER, WORSHIP LEADER, SPEAKER
*THE DEVIL WANTS YOU TO SETTLE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP*


Besides choosing to give Christ my entire heart and life at 18 (after falling in love with Him in the Eucharist), the best decision I ever made was to wait 28 years for the man of my dreams. There were so many times I could’ve settled for a nice Catholic guy who treated me well and bored me to tears. I knew I never wanted to tell my children, “Well, your dad loved me and seemed nice enough, so I married him.” Ugh. Gag me with a spork. Heck no. I knew I wanted to tell my children, “I waited patiently for a man I was passionately in love with, who led me to holiness, who was my best friend, and who I couldn’t wait to be married to!” Sure enough, when Bobby Angel came along, I knew I found that man.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of confused and conflicted young adults out there who seem tempted to settle for a spouse. There are a lot of people who date because it’s nice to have a warm body gazing back at you. Listen carefully to me: there are tons of holy, attractive, fun people out there. (I know, because I’m trying to play matchmaker and set them all up with each other). Seriously, though, you are only called to marry one of them. You are not called to be a polygamist (thank God!). Just because you date an attractive, holy Catholic doesn’t mean he/she is the “one.” In the past, every time I met a single Catholic guy, my head would always say, “Is this the one? Is this the one?” I was like a hamster on crack (like most single Catholic young adults who see every other single Catholic young adult as a target for romance). I kept rationalizing my good Catholic guy dates, saying, “Well, he doesn’t make me laugh, but I could deal with that,” or “I’m not really attracted to him, but I don’t want to be vain so I could deal with that” or “We really don’t have great conversations, but I could be a like a cloistered wife vowed to silence for the rest of my life, right?”

When I met Bobby, though, everything clicked. I didn’t have to rationalize anything. In fact, both of us are still in shock that two human beings could fit so perfectly (even in our faults) with each other. I’m sure God watches us stumble through relationships, laughing and thinking, “Oh you of little faith. Why do you not trust me?” Sure enough, when we settle, it’s because we don’t trust God enough. We don’t trust that God is a bigger romantic than we are, that God is the most passionate being there is (in fact, who endured the passion out of love for us), and who wants the absolute best for our lives. When we don’t trust God, we commit the original sin of Adam and Eve all over again: we grasp at the gift of “knowledge” rather than wait for God to give us the gift He’s had for us all along (see CCC 396-397). In Fill These Hearts, Christopher West writes, “That’s pride at its root: we don’t trust in God’s designs, so we choose to follow our own” (p. 112). Remember: God is the one who has amazing plans for us, “plans for our welfare not for woe, plans for a future full of hope” (Jeremiah 29:11). It’s the stupid devil who wants us to grasp at relationships and who tempts us to settle for what’s just “okay.”

To me, some of the most courageous men and women are those who break off their relationships out of love for the other. They realize that the other person deserves someone better than them, that they are wasting the other’s time from finding their true vocation (whether be it to another person in marriage or maybe even a vocation to celibacy as a priest, nun, sister, brother, consecrated, or single person), or that they would be settling for a life of eye-rolling and frustration. This is extremely difficult. Bobby and I can speak from experience—he broke off an engagement and I broke up with a man who was a month from proposing. In the end, we were both extremely glad that the Holy Spirit convicted us and helped us have courage (a word that literally means, “to act from the heart”) to do what was best for all.

When I was single, I told myself, “I would rather be joyful and single than miserable with someone.” Why? Because I know that God wants us to be radiant witnesses of his love to the world. When I was single, I was totally free to do this because I had peace and joy founded in Christ who completely satisfied me. When I was in previous relationships, however, I was filled with anxiety, wondering if the guy didn’t get my sense of humor, didn’t like my craziness, didn’t like my love for Daily Mass, the Rosary or Adoration. I changed myself for the guys and didn’t like who I was with them. I knew that the man I was called to marry would not make me feel imprisoned or trapped, but would give me freedom to be my authentic self, freedom to be a radiant witness for the Lord together, and freedom to love God, my neighbor, and myself more authentically.

Freedom is huge in a relationship. No, not the philosophy of freedom given by Wiz Kalifa and Snoop Dogg; their “freedom” allows them to get drunk, smoke weed, and be a player for them hoes. No. Authentic freedom enables us to do what is right. Freedom in a relationship has the signs of peace and joy. A lack of freedom in a relationship gives you that anxiety in your belly, that “icky” feeling, that unrest.

So, my question to you (if you are in a relationship with someone to whom you are not married) is this: Does your relationship help you to be freer or less free? Is your relationship life-giving or life-sucking?

Here are some questions that you should ask yourself.

Some questions are bigger “no-brainers” than others. We’ll start with the “no-brainer” red flags at the top and go to more subtle signs you aren’t free in a relationship to be the man or woman of God you were created to be.

If you say “yes” to any of these questions, you should get out of that relationship:

Does your significant other abuse you physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually?

Do they pressure you to sin or make fun of you for not sinning? (Calling you a “prude” because you won’t do sexual things with them, making you feel guilty for not getting drinking/getting drunk, pressuring you to see a smutty movie or watch pornography, or pressuring you to live with them, etc.)

Do you feel like you are being used as an object for their pleasure?

Are you afraid of bringing up tough issues, annoyances, or frustrations, for fear they might get defensive, lash out at you, or shut down?

Do you feel like you’re walking on eggshells with what you say or do for fear they might break up with you (again)?

Are you afraid to show your weaknesses, because they expect you to be perfect?

Do you have that constant pit of anxiety in your belly either when you are with them or apart from them? Do you feel that anxiety when you think of marrying them?

Are you staying with them out of lust, out of fear of being alone, out of security, or out of fear of never finding anyone else who will be with you?

Are you confused about the relationship constantly? Do you go back and forth about whether or not this is “the one?”

Do you feel relieved when they are gone?

If you say “no” to any of these questions, you should re-think your relationship:

Are you free to be your true self (who you are with your best girl friends or guy friends)?

Do you feel loved in who you are, even in your weaknesses?

Do you feel challenged to be a better, holier person?

Are you free to be child-like, to laugh, to have joy with your significant other?

Do you feel challenged spiritually, intellectually, emotionally, and physically?

Is your relationship healing? Is their love helping you to deal with issues of the past without them being a “savior” to you (rather, they point you to “the Savior” for healing)?

Are you willing to spend 24 hours 7 days a week with them for the rest of your life?

Are they your best friend with whom you have romance?

Bobby and I will be praying for all those who read this blog, that you may truly do God’s good, pleasing, and perfect will (Romans 12:1-2)

-Jackie


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## Lucia (Oct 6, 2015)

http://www.crosswalk.com/family/sin...d-i-marry-without-romance-and-attraction.html


*Should I Marry Without Romance and Attraction?*

Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young
201311 Jul






_*EDITOR'S NOTE*: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to *[email protected]* (selected questions will be posted anonymously)._

*QUESTION*: After my share of bad relationships, I re-dedicated my life to the Lord and I am dating, essentially, the "perfect man." He wants to marry me, he is a believer, and he fits every quality I want in a husband. However, I feel empty inside. He is not physically my type, he looks and dresses in the opposite way from what I find attractive, I don't find him handsome, and can't feel attraction for him the way I have felt in previous relationships. My friends say I'm crazy for doubting our relationship. I know that "romance" and "physical attraction" are not in the dictionary of God's word, but I get scared and panic sometimes when I think about marrying without any attraction or romance. What keeps me going is God's promise that my marriage will be favored and blessed and "every other thing will be added." But that doesn't close up the hollow feeling or give me peace. Please advise.

*HE SAID:*

We’ve been groomed by society to look for the “Perfect Man” or the “Perfect Woman.” Reality shows portray groups of contestants vying for the heart of _one _person believing _they are the “perfect person.” _

However, what I have found far more important is to seek the perfect person _for me _and being the perfect person for someone (not everyone). 

I do believe there is a person who God made _for you,_ someone who will complement who _you are_, and someone _you will be attracted to._

“Romance” and “physical attraction” may not be in "the dictionary of God’s Word," however, the book Song of Solomon is. If you’ve never studied it, you may want to before you further your relationship.

_How handsome you are, my lover!_ (Song of Solomon 1:16)

_My lover is like a gazelle or a young stag_ (Song of Solomon 2:9).

_My beloved is dazzling and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. His head is like gold, pure gold; his locks are like clusters of dates and black as a raven. His eyes are like doves beside streams of water, bathed in milk, and reposed in their setting. His cheeks are like a bed of balsam, banks of sweet-scented herbs; his lips are lilies dripping with liquid myrrh. His hands are rods of gold Set with beryl; his abdomen is carved ivory Inlaid with sapphires. His legs are pillars of alabaster Set on pedestals of pure gold; his appearance is like Lebanon choice as the cedars. His mouth is full of sweetness. And he is wholly desirable. This is my beloved and this is my friend, O daughters of Jerusalem_ (Song of Solomon 5:10-16).

These are not the words from someone who felt _no romance or physical attraction_, but these are the words of God from a woman who was seriously enamored by her beau.

As a male (with a slight ego), I don’t want my significant other to settle for or gag at the sight of me; then again I’m not trying to be on _People _Magazine’s Most Beautiful List either. My wish is for the “right one for me” to feel some of the emotion the woman in Song of Solomon had for her man and me for her.

I can’t imagine your boyfriend wouldn’t want the same. 

What may be “perfect” for your friends may not be for you.

*SHE SAID:*

While I am thrilled you found someone who is wonderful and perfect in many ways, a very critical part of your relationship has to be an attraction to him physically. To paraphrase a wonderful author and friend, Dick Purnell: There are 5 parts of a healthy relationship: *Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, Social *and *Physical,* based on his book _Finding a Lasting Love._ Now, it is true in all relationships there may be weaker areas than others. You may have a few things in common, but as you date you find you have more. You may have even gone to separate churches but eventually started attending the same church together.

I once was friends with a guy for 3 years. We did all kinds of things together but never dated. Then one day I was like, _whoohoo is he cute. Lord, where did that come from?_ So I shared my feelings with him, we have a few dates but quickly realized we lacked other key areas to maintain a relationship.

So with that, what do you do? Well, as much as I feel God can change your attraction to your boyfriend to be what you want it to be, I don't think God operates that way when you’re IN the relationship. I do think over time, especially as you lean towards marriage and after marriage, your physical attraction will grow because your love grows. However, it can't grow if there is no seed to begin with. So my advice is to tell him what you are feeling. He deserves to know. If you were to get married you would be lying to him, feeling forced to have kiss him, be romantic, and make love. No one deserves that, or deserves to be deceived about it. Recognizing the great husband-material qualities about your current boyfriend should reassure you that waiting for the right "one" is indeed worth waiting for.

Oh, and do know the Bible is full of scripture regarding love and romance. Believe me, God invented it. Check out the Song of Solomon.

_May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love_ (Proverbs 5:18-19).

_*HE is … *Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends._

_*SHE is …* Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of three books._

_*DISCLAIMER*: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately._

_*GOT A QUESTION?* If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to *[email protected]* (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives._


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## Lucia (Oct 6, 2015)

http://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2011/august/how-to-avoid-marrying-wrong-christian.html

How to avoid marrying the wrong Christian 


What do you do if you're engaged but have serious misgivings about your decision, red flags popping up left and right? Do you a) get married, since you've set a date, sent out the invitations, spent a boatload of money, are too embarrassed to back out, and believe that most people get cold feet anyway? Or b) call the whole thing off until further notice? I think most of us would choose the latter, and would recommend thus to any friend or family member having serious doubts. But in practice, it isn't what we many of us do, and understandably so: Calling the whole thing off is difficult, painful, and risky.

Jennifer Gauvain, a licensed social worker and coauthor of How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy, recently reported in the Huffington Post's "Divorce" section that 30 percent of the nearly 1,000 divorced women she surveyed admitted to marrying despite serious doubts they had about their relationships long before the wedding day. According to reporter Katherine Bindley, the website IndieBride.com now hosts33,000 conversation threads just about the urge to bolt.

I did.

I broke off an engagement to a really nice Christian guy. When it came down to it, we were incompatible on many levels. I had doubts at the inception of the relationship, but ignored them. Continuing the relationship was my way of trying to force a puzzle piece into a place it didn't fit. As the doubts grew, I tried harder to make the relationship work. However, if I hadn't heeded my gut-wrenching doubts, and paid attention to my mom and _abuelita_'s words, ("he's a nice guy, but not the one for you") and the words of a friend I deeply respected, I would've made the worst mistake of my life. Even so, breaking the engagement and ending the relationship was far from easy.

For a while I balked because I didn't want to hurt the guy and was worried what others would think of me should I call it off. But in the end, I preferred the pain of breaking up with him and potential lifelong singleness over the pain of being married to him. If I had married him, I would've wilted. And now I know I would have forfeited marrying my priceless treasure of a husband, the one person I most love, admire, and respect.

Unfortunately, there are many Christian women (and men) who ignore their gnawing suspicions. They forge ahead into marriages they didn't belong in. Why?

Gauvain lists four overarching reasons cited by the women in her survey: 1) "Age: The self-imposed biological clock is starting to tick a little louder." 2) "Marriage will instantly make the relationship better." 3) "It's my last chance to get married and no one else will come along"; and, 4) "If it doesn't work out I can always get a divorce." I'd add a fifth and sixth reason that are specific to Christian men and women: 5) to legitimize sex, and 6) because of guilt associated with premarital sex or over having conceived a child out-of-wedlock.


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## tru4reele (Oct 6, 2015)

What makes him ugly to you?


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## Lucia (Oct 6, 2015)

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/marriage/i-married-a-man-im-not-attracted-to-now-what/


*I Married A Man I’m Not Attracted To. Now What?*





_Hi Evan, I am stuck in a very tricky situation, which came in my life because of my wrong choices. I married a man to whom I am not physically attracted. I don’t like some of his facial features. For me somehow, a certain type of face seems attractive and a certain type does not. When I first started dating him, I just didn’t notice it and I liked him for being a nice guy. 2 months into our dating I realized I am just not attracted to him. 8 months after still dating him, I married him because of what my and his family members would think if I said no. My family likes him very much. As for me, he has a great body and is a genuinely nice person but because of my lack of physical attraction, I am just not in love with him. I did not marry him because of family pressure. There was none. I married him (knowing I wasn’t attracted to him) because I thought that over a period of time, I would start liking him. 3 months into our marriage and now he complains that I am not physically or emotionally close to him. I know I should have had a voice before, but what to do now? We have fights every other day over this issue and just nothing comes out of it. He is frustrated over the lack of intimacy. I am just not courageous enough to leave him and I could not say to him that I don’t love him. Can I change my mindset? Please tell me what you suggest. –Maya_

Aw, Jesus, Maya.

You say so many things in your question that are easy to dissect that I don’t even know where to begin.

First of all, I’m really sorry you’re in this predicament. I’m not going to make light of the fact that you and your husband are unhappy, which is tragic. I will, however, wonder what exactly is making you tick.

“I just didn’t notice” his FACE?

I’m not even sure how this is possible, but I acknowledge that sometimes one can get into a relationship where passion is lacking. It’s more that your excuse seems to ring a little hollow.

You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.

“A certain type of face seems attractive”?

I get that not everyone on earth is equally good looking, but I very much want to caution you to being too attached to a “type”. You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer dark hair and marry light hair. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose.

Unless, of course, you decide that you can’t. Which would be a shame, because there’s a lot more to most people than a face.

Still, unless you were actively turned OFF by his face, I’m not sure how you got this far along in your relationship. Then again…

“2 months into our dating, I realized I am just not attracted to him.”

So you married him after 8 months to make your family happy.

Got it.

My official diagnosis, Maya, is that you’re not a bad person for dating a man with whom your attraction is questionable. People do it all the time. Some find their attraction grows when they start to love the person. Some discover that the spark isn’t enough to continue.

Your ridiculously massive mistake was MARRYING this man, even though you knew how you felt. That’s not his fault (although he was pretty foolish to propose to someone after 8 months) and it’s not your parents’ fault for loving him.

This is your fault, Maya, and only you can make it right.

Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.

It’s not my place to tell you to make things work with this nice guy who loves you. Attraction is a very personal thing.

But since you asked me for advice, I’ll give it to you straight.

Stop claiming that you’re not courageous enough to leave him. That’s a convenient excuse that you’re trotting out to avoid looking bad in front of your husband and family.

It’s too late. You already look bad. You married a man who wants affection, you won’t give it to him, and he’s upset. Staying with him is not going to make things better.

Woman up, tell him the truth, and rip off the band aid.

And for god sakes, Maya, don’t repeat any of these mistakes with the next guy, okay?


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## Belle Du Jour (Oct 13, 2015)

Great thread!


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