# for the married ladies: masterbation and marriage



## Evolving78 (Sep 8, 2008)

i had a discuss with a friend of mine and we got really confused about masterbation in marriage.  so i ask , is it right to masterbate when you are married?


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## yokoyokogirl (Sep 8, 2008)

I guess this is a touchy topic, but I will take a stab at it. 

I think masturbation is normal and healthy. Maybe that's not what the Bible says, but I think it keeps people sane and it's better than cheating or fulfilling any other urges that may be really bad.

I'm no expert, but I'm willing to generalize and say most men masturbate--even when married--I think for men it's viewed as just a normal thing to do, like eating breakfast or watching sports.erplexed


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## leeshbeesh (Sep 10, 2008)

I discussed this with my husband (military man). I dont have a true answer but we felt that the issue with masturbation is your thoughts. Are you really focusing only on your spouse? If the point is general arousal lusting after another man might as well be me committing the act. I dont really know how to elaborate but we kinda never "resolved" it per se. I definitely dont agree with utilizing pornography or things like that, but I questioned whether or not my thoughts were staying with only my husband or venturing to some "mystery man" etc. Does that even make sense?


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## NaturallyGraceful (Sep 10, 2008)

I was told that masterbation is a form of fornication and also adultery. *Why????*
Because God blessed the act of sex ONLY between husband & wife,not you with you or you with an inanimate object. 
The Holy Spirit is very much present when a married couple have sex because the act between them is holy. You've had an adulterous relationship with yourself and against your spouse if you've masterbated -it doesn't matter if the spouse doesn't mind.
I was told to ask myself "Is the Holy Spirit here with me in agreement as I do this act?", and if I'm having solo sex, then the answer is "No". We pray for God to be with us in every other thing we do so why wouldn't he be present for that?? I'm also told that marital sex is the best sex, when you can call out "Oh God" an know that God's giving a thumbs up.

 Any sex outside of marriage is fornication. Marriage is a man & woman....

Also a scripture that was kind of lost in translation is the "The marriage bed is NOT defiled" , I'm told that the correct translation should read " The marriage bed is *NOT TO BE* defiled" which makes more sense. I've had a lot of potential partners use this one to explain the kind of sex they want to have with their wife, thinking they can have any kind of sex & just because they're married, it's ok-it's not. One guy still insists his wife has to have anal sex often.
Anal sex was born out of a homosexual act, so how can that ok by God???

Anyway, that's just my 2 cents.


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## Evolving78 (Sep 10, 2008)

thanks ladies for responding!  a lot of what was stated makes sense.  and i kinda cleared some confusion as well.  i believe in my heart that it isn't right, but was confused about it.  and my friend felt that it was ok since you weren't stepping out on your spouse.  a lot of reading that i have done on christian marriage and sex stated that it was ok to do it with your spouse, but nothing i have read ever mentioned doing it alone and it being ok.


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## leeshbeesh (Sep 11, 2008)

i have to apologize because after reading twistyone's post i DID remember what was resolved. and its exactly what she said. because you are relying on yourSELF to give the pleasure that was the issue. i am sort of paraphrasing (at work, dont need to get caught lol) but if you wanted to read more about sex in general, john piper has an EXCELLENT book called "sex and the supremacy of Christ". this book really blessed me and my marriage and made HIS view about sex PLAIN!


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## kbragg (Sep 11, 2008)

Who'd want to masterbate when there's a perfectly good penis attached to a very sexy man available? And why on earth would a man choose his own hand over a perfectly functional vagina? Even when you're on your period (which I still haven't started back up oddly enough) there are other ways of enjoyment (non painful ways)


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## GlamourGirl (Sep 12, 2008)

kbragg said:


> Who'd want to masterbate when there's a perfectly good penis attached to a very sexy man available? And why on earth would a man choose his own hand over a perfectly functional vagina? Even when you're on your period (which I still haven't started back up oddly enough) there are other ways of enjoyment (non painful ways)



LOL! I love you Kbragg!


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## Farida (Sep 13, 2008)

kbragg said:


> Who'd want to masterbate when there's a perfectly good penis attached to a very sexy man available? And why on earth would a man choose his own hand over a perfectly functional vagina? Even when you're on your period (which I still haven't started back up oddly enough) there are other ways of enjoyment (non painful ways)



Ideally, yes. But for the women with military men or other men who are gone a significant chunk of the year, it's not that simple.


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## Farida (Sep 13, 2008)

My assessment of masturbation is that it is not wrong in itself. It is the lusting that is attached to it, and for many, the use of pornography.

The question is, is it okay for a married spouse to pleasure him/herself by using thoughts of his or her spouse, assuming arguendo that the spouse is unavailable for reasons beyond both their control?

They say pretty much 95-96% of boys masturbate and the rest are known to lie. These are the boys who grow up and marry us. Many stop once they have sex ready and available, but several never stop. I do think it is something women can't really grasp. I wish I could be a man for a day, but DH says I would become to aware of what really goes through a man's mind and it would help me understand better but it is also likely to make me angry a lot.


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## Aviah (Sep 14, 2008)

I do agree with some of the aforementioned. IMHO, the fornication thing associated with masterbation is about Jesus saying if you have lusted in your heart for a woman (or man in this case) you have comitted adultery in your heart (possibly fornication in this case).
Yes, I do take into consideration that the person is married and is thinking of their spouse. But mmm I'm not sure about this one. It would seem that if you were allowed to have sex, thinking about it with the correct person in mind should obviously be permitted. But personally I feel that sex is a shared act with pleasure and expression on love attached to it within marriage (besides the obvious function of procreation). Solo just seems to reduce its functions and degrade it (again IMHO)... Interesting question though
P.S. KBragg...lol you are so right!


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## melodies815 (Sep 14, 2008)

*1 Corinthians 7: 1-6 (New Living Translation)

"Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to live a celibate life.  But because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs.  The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.  Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.  I say this as a concession, not as a command...."*

I am so glad that I found this post because I have been praying to the Lord regarding my experiences, asking Him to help me to find places where I can be of some use.  Maybe this is a good start.  I pray sincerely that none of my words offend.  I am, working hard to present the Word and to live according to it alone...to line my character to what the Word of God says.  That is the standard, and my human frailties are no excuse for not at least trying to follow God. Please know, I am a hot mess and have all kids of junk floating around in my mind at any given time...but I truly want to be purified by the Word of God. I pray that what I wrote is an encouragement to someone who may need it.  If this does not apply to you, please just disregard; don't get mad at me, okay?  





I am a military wife, stationed overseas with my husband, who is "overseas plus" at the moment.  What I mean by "overseas plus" is that we have the pressure of being out of the US and the additional pressure of him being out of THIS country where we have been deployed!!! I MISS MY HUBBY!!!! I am choosing to be transparent in this post, and for those of you who do not like TMI, this might be too much for you...still I pray that the Word of God and His character is uplifted.  Not my own.


My husband and I were highly sexual beings prior to marriage.  I can attest that for the three years prior to marriage, I was celibate. In late 2002, I asked God to shut my heart down and to not open it up again until my husband came into my life.  Until that point, I fornicated and masturbated.  Honestly, I did not even know there was another way...a better, more peaceful way.


As a Christian wife, I do NOT believe that masturbation is Godly.  Why?  Well, when you masturbate as a married person, you are NOT fulfilling the needs of your spouse.  You are only fulfilling your needs.  When my husband is away, if I can be frank, we do phone sex.  We talk to each other about what we would like to be doing...which is NOT the same as masturbation because our complete focus is the spouse - IN THE SPOUSE'S PRESENCE.  There is nothing secret about it.  We can hear each other's satisfaction, and the edge of sexual desire goes away for a day or two or three.  We bite temptation off at the head.  



Think about it;  we are children of light.  How would you honestly feel if your spouse walked in while you were masturbating and they HAD NO IDEA WHAT YOU WERE DOING!  Would you continue? If not, your actions are dead wrong. If so, then why not start out in the first instance with your spouse so he or she can get pleasure as well?  In either instance, masturbation is not right.  What my husband and I do is a form of physical intimacy that takes into account the fact that we are physically apart.



There have been many times when I have been awakened at a very odd hour because hubby was struggling and did not want to to fall into sin or vice versa.  I do not want to fall into sin either.  There is no masturbation or sexual pleasure outside of my spouse.  NONE...and it makes for great conversation and laughter later, and it makes us closer, and we know one another in ways that we could have never imagined prior to marriage.  There is nothing but benefit. When you masturbate, the desire is sated and you don't really feel like doing anything later. You have defrauded your spouse...and even if you DO feel like it later, you have taken from him or her the opportunity to have shared a sexual experience with you alone.


The marriage bed should not be defiled...by selfishness...by another peron outside of the marriage...by pornographic images...by memories of past lovers...or even by the simple need to be satisfied without the spouse.  For the people whose spouses do not know how to please them, I don't believe that masturbation should be used as an excuse.  This is a wonderful opportunity to teach your spouse what makes you happy..and if they are difficult to communicate with, it is a wonderful opportunity to learn what makes them tick and to persuade them gently and with love.  It might take time, but LOVE has a way of covering (melting down with gentleness and forgiveness) a multitude of sin (and bad attitudes and stubbornness, etc.)



I think the bottom line is that masturbation is self-centered.  That, in and of itself, is not in line with God's character.  God is giving.  Open.  Filled with light and love.  Delightfully surprising.  Other-focused at all times. God is always, at all times, concerned with us and with what is best for us. Is masturbation giving to your spouse?  Even if he or she is away, can't we find a way to get a sexual outlet that involves them?  Might that be a pleasant surprise to our spouses and endear them to us and us to them in ways unforeseen?


I know that, ultimately, we will all do what we want to do, but I do pray that we are led by the Word and not by the experiences or opinions of other people. Others - not even ourselves! - CANNOT define this walk with the Lord.


Our walk and our faith are defined by Christ alone.


Please be encouraged in Christ,


Christi Johnson


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## letitgrow0702 (Sep 21, 2008)

twistyone said:


> I was told that masterbation is a form of fornication and also adultery. *Why????*
> Because God blessed the act of sex ONLY between husband & wife,not you with you or you with an inanimate object.
> The Holy Spirit is very much present when a married couple have sex because the act between them is holy. You've had an adulterous relationship with yourself and against your spouse if you've masterbated -it doesn't matter if the spouse doesn't mind.
> I was told to ask myself "Is the Holy Spirit here with me in agreement as I do this act?", and if I'm having solo sex, then the answer is "No". We pray for God to be with us in every other thing we do so why wouldn't he be present for that?? I'm also told that marital sex is the best sex, when you can call out "Oh God" an know that God's giving a thumbs up.
> ...


 
I'm also told that marital sex is the best sex, when you can call out "Oh God" an know that God's giving a thumbs up. Girl that was too funny. 
On another note, your response really does break down why masturbation is wrong.


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