# A Serious Conversation for Christian Singles



## BeautifulFlower (Jun 28, 2010)

*A Serious Conversation for Christian Singles*

*Lee Wilson*

*Family Dynamics Institute*


There comes a time in life when we need to remove the sugar coating and taste the real bitterness of the pill on our tongues. 
Many of us have learned that we can fool others and even ourselves by wording things in just the right way or repeating a contrived philosophy until we've heard it so many times that we accept it as "gospel" truth. One of those sugary pills concerns the modern view of marriage versus what the Bible teaches.
Today's view of marriage says that it is something that should be delayed and put off until certain things occur in life such as a college degree, great job, a certain age, certain experiences, etc. The message most young singles take from that is that those other things are more important than a marriage commitment and that such a commitment could not survive less-than-ideal conditions.
And we're seeing the results of that materialistic philosophy. I'm sorry to say that it has become an unusual occurrence for two virgins to marry each other now days. As the average age for marriage continues to creep higher and higher, the virginity rate among singles falls lower and lower.
Why is that the case? I'll tell you just as I told my sister-in-law: "You can't fight God." What I mean by that is that God gave human beings a powerful sexual drive. Unlike animals, humans not only were designed to have sex for procreation, but also to enjoy as intimacy, affection and openness with each other. All of that was God's idea, not Hollywood's. And the drive is so strong that the longer it is put off or delayed, the more difficult it is to control because that God-given need for intimacy, expression and vulnerability grows inside of us. Marriage is supposed to be an environment and an understanding with another person that allows for sexual needs to be fulfilled. That's why we see so much sexual confusion in single land.
But what about the "gift" of singleness. Doesn't the Bible tell us that being single is a gift? 
No, it does not. I'm sorry to say that because many of you have heard that said so many times that you accept it as "gospel" truth, but the Bible never calls singleness a gift. Instead, if you read 1 Corinthians 7 which is the passage people use so often to claim singlehood is a gift, you'll see that the actual gift part is to be able to tolerate being single, not being single itself. The gift part is said to be had by those who don't need sexual fulfillment. 
I don't believe I even know a single person with that gift. The least I can say is that it is a very rare gift for a human being to have simply because God did not make us to be loners. He made us to desire union with the opposite sex from the very beginning. We're even told in 1 Timothy 4:3 that one of the signs of the end times is that people would "forbid marriage." Sounds a bit scary if you ask me, considering how many are abandoning the idea of marriage for lives of casual sex and single-parent households. 
So maybe we should ask ourselves one single question. Do we agree with what the Holy Spirit said through Paul? That it is better to marry than to "burn with passion"? 

I realize that many who might be reading this article want to get married, but have yet to find a partner. Many are in that situation because they were encouraged to postpone marriage by their parents or even church leaders. Now they find themselves in a wasteland, where suddenly their career consumes so much of them that they don't know how they'll meet single Christians who might be husband or wife material.
I'm convinced that if we taught teenagers and early twenty-somethings that they should determine their own sex drive and decide if they are "gifted" to tolerate a life without marriage, we'd see the virginity rate among unmarrieds skyrocket and once again men and women would give each other their virginity instead of adding another partner to the list and causing feelings of regret and pain. After all, It's not something that has to be considered very long. It's a simple question, in fact. "Do you want to live a life of celibacy or not?" 

If you answer "no" then you are you just like Adam and Eve and do not have the gift of being permanently single. And once teenagers or twenty-somethings decide that they are not cut out for sex-free lives, they should discuss with their parents or mentors what age they would like to start seeking a spouse. That way, they have a time frame so that they don't feel that it is an indefinite wait. With a time frame in mind, they will likely be more successful at saving themselves for then. 
Does this sound very old-fashioned to you? Well, I suppose Paul's idea of "marrying rather than burning with passion" might be considered old-fashioned to some. But it sounds very logical to me and seems to take sexual purity much more seriously than the "wait and see" method.
And if we are able to again create a culture that takes saving themselves for marriage seriously, then they will purposefully seek each other. They will ask perhaps even before the first date if the other person plans on getting married in the next few years.
So rather than sugar-coating single life as a "gift" that should be enjoyed, perhaps we should start determining if we even have the "gift" to tolerate that life. If we don't, let's take the sugar off the pill and get serious about finding a compatible partner with whom we can share our mind, body and soul in service to God.
Remember that you aren't looking for a so-called "soul mate" or a carbon copy of yourself. You are looking for someone who loves God, loves you and has similar life goals. God is a wise creator and has made us to be compatible with more than one person. So don't go looking for a Hollywood fantasy.
If you want to find a spouse, start by asking God. Then go to your minister or pastor and ask him if your church would consider joining with other churches to do as many in the Jewish faith do—have social events so that singles can mingle and get to know each other. 
The Church used to do the same thing but, sadly, has stopped. I hope to see a revival of this. Also, find Christian singles in your area by using web sites designed to bring Christian singles together. The bottom line is, if you wait for it to come to you, you'll likely not find it. Remember, the Bible also says, "seek and you shall find" (Matthew 7:7). 
It's time we started taking these things seriously.

_Lee Wilson founded __Real Christian Singles__, an online community for Christian singles. He co-authored _The Real Heaven: It's Not What You Think_ and is on staff at Family Dynamics Institute. _


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## Amour (Jun 29, 2010)

prettyfaceANB said:


> *A Serious Conversation for Christian Singles*
> 
> *Lee Wilson*
> 
> ...


 

Great article.

I would be interested in hearing peoples thoughts on this


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## LovingLady (Jun 29, 2010)

God bless you. I have to go to school so I reply later on tonight.


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## nathansgirl1908 (Jun 29, 2010)

Wow.  This is a complex article.  There are some parts I completely disagree with and some parts I enjoyed reading.  

But I think articles like this are not fully developed if they don't discuss one of the bigger issues as to WHY marriage is not on everyone's priority list these days.  

I have a friend who is married to a great man.  They have a good marriage.  But she always says that if she knew then what she knows now, she would not have ever gotten married.  She enjoyed the single life.  One of the things she pointed out during our most recent conversation is that marriage today is NOT what God intended it to be.  But that has more to do with how MEN treat marriage, not how women respond to it.  For the most part with some exceptions, women fall into their roles in marriage.  Men don't.  Once men get married they start to become almost helpless and are not really the helpmates they should be in many instances.  More and more men are straying on their wives left and right.  Who WOULD want to jump into marriage with that going on?  To me, (and a bunch of other single women I know) marriage isn't that appealing.  It seems to be a big headache.

And I still see nothing wrong with getting your career together before you get married.  Like it or not, finances are also a big problem in marriages.  At least if you have education and a career, you can bring something to the table.  I understand what the author is saying, but I don't think it makes good common sense.


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## sidney (Jun 29, 2010)

Maybe I'm the odd one out but I found myself chuckling a few times as I read this.  Marriage is an honor, but it is not the end all be all for the christian life.  I do want to get married one day but this article puts such a heavy emphasis on marriage that just isn't found in the bible.  Nor should a covenant before God be used as a means to rectify a lack of self control.  I think the author of this would have been better off writing about abstaining from sin rather than coercing people in to marriage at the expense of the other plans God has set before them to achieve first.


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## loolalooh (Jun 29, 2010)

I have mixed feelings about this article.  I agree with the over-arching theme that marriage has become delayed and less valuable.  However, marriage being delayed isn't necessarily a bad thing depending on who's doing the "delaying" -- God or the individual.  I believe the Lord may want some of us to have certain degrees, careers, missions, maturity levels, and experiences accomplished before entering marriage.  Meanwhile, He may have another agenda for others.  The bottom line: Listen to what God is telling you about marriage.

Thanks for posting, OP!


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## Prudent1 (Jun 29, 2010)

loolalooh said:


> *The bottom line: Listen to what God is telling you about marriage.*
> 
> Thanks for posting, OP!


^^^'Nuff said. 
OP: Good article!


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## disgtgyal (Jun 29, 2010)

I must say I found the article interesting and like nathangirl I agree and disagree with parts of the article.  As a Christian woman that is celibate and in a relationship I can definitely identify with the struggle to remain pure, but I don't think rushing into marriage before I am mentally and more importantly spiritually ready is the answer; in addition we (Christians) are to overcome sin not avoid it.  Seeking out your mate in effort to get married at an early age to avoid sin in my opinion isn't God's will, that appears like you're doing your will and not God's.  It may not be God's will for a certain individual to marry young, and just because someone loves God and has the same life goals as yourself doesn't mean he is your God ordained spouse.  
I go agree that people including Christians are putting off marriage to accomplish career and educational goals and I don't agree with that practice.  *Some* women who possess education, career, and a high level of success have difficulty submitting to their husbands, and allowing him to be the head of the household because he may make less than her.  This is not to say there is anything wrong with achieving those things but the problem arises when *some* women allow those accomplishments to take them out of the role God wants her to play as a wife.

As far as women not wanting to get married because they fear their men may stray, well that can be attributed to you not waiting on God for him to give you a husband and instead u went ahead of Him and found yourself one, but this is not to say no Christian man will cheat on his wife but if he is truly a man of God (and not just a church goer) and understands he is to love his wife the way Christ loves the church, he would not cheat on his wife.  I'm very grateful to have to have so many examples of good God-fearing Christian men in my life who know how to treat their wife, fiancee, and girl- friend.  I believe it's essential to place a strong emphasis on marriage because it's the beginning of a family unit, and a families are integral part of society.  Like another member said its a great article but needs to be developed more.


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## sidney (Jun 29, 2010)

loolalooh said:


> I have mixed feelings about this article. I agree with the over-arching theme that marriage has become delayed and less valuable. However, marriage being delayed isn't necessarily a bad thing depending on who's doing the "delaying" -- God or the individual. I believe the Lord may want some of us to have certain degrees, careers, missions, maturity levels, and experiences accomplished before entering marriage. Meanwhile, He may have another agenda for others. *The bottom line: Listen to what God is telling you about marriage.*
> 
> Thanks for posting, OP!


 
I agree with you and Prudent,that's pretty much the point.  If we can get christians to line up with what God is saying to each of us individually we won't have to make up rules about when people should seek marriage over career and vice-versa.


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## LovingLady (Jun 29, 2010)

For the most part I enjoyed the article but marriage is an area that should not be rushed or delayed, it should be done in accordance with God's will. From the last paragraph I was given the impression that we should be searching day and night to find the person we are suppose to be with. Our purpose is to serve the Lord, just by doing God's will He will present us with the man of our dreams. :Rose:


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## cheetarah1980 (Jun 30, 2010)

I think this article is spot on. I lived in Grand Rapids, MI for 5 years and one of the first things I noticed was that people married very young. Most of the people my age (24 at the time) had been married for several years and were well into having families. As the years passed I noticed another phenomena: 28-32 year old divorcees. I'd never seen so many divorced people in my age range either. What I realized is that while the community strongly encouraged marriage families often did little to prepare their children to be husbands and wives.
I don't buy into the idea that people need all of their ducks in a row before they marry. Marriage does not prevent people from getting educations, starting careers, seeing the world, etc. Goals can be accomplished while married. The problem is that little boys and girls are no longer raised to be spouses. We're left to figure it out on our own and that's why so many marriages between young people (under 25) do not work out. With age comes maturity that is brought into marriage.  That maturity is usually hard earned through life experiences.
Childhood and adolesence has been extended well beyond people's biological ages. It's nearly impossible to outrun biology. Our bodies tell us when we're ready for marriage but we don't allow our mental and emotional state to follow suit. God knew what he was doing when he set our internal hormonal triggers to go off at a certain time. Just because humans have chosen to ignore those signals more and more over time does not mean that God intended for us to be 30+ when we finally marry so we can accomplish things. We make remaining pure more difficult than God intended it to be.  
And in terms of getting married as a way to avoid sin, while no it's not the only reason it's definitely a powerful motivator. The best way to overcome sin is to FLEE temptation (that's what the Bible tells us). Early marriage to the right person is a logical way to do so.


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## OhmyKimB (Jun 30, 2010)

^^^^well so much for me posting my ideas since you wrote them all out. Get out of my head lol!


I've said to friends before I would be okay and happy with being married at 23 still in school. A couple of them thought that was crazy because they hadn't finished school or did all the things that they haven't started even doing yet.  I liked the article because personally I know that I want to be married so while that isn't my day and night....well all day and night focus, I've also taken the time to really learn what it is, because when it's presents itself I'm on it!


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## Poohbear (Feb 25, 2011)

Nothing to add but just have to say this article is on point!


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## Ladybelle (Feb 25, 2011)

sidney said:


> Maybe I'm the odd one out but I found myself chuckling a few times as I read this. Marriage is an honor, but it is not the end all be all for the christian life. I do want to get married one day but this article puts such a heavy emphasis on marriage that just isn't found in the bible. Nor should a covenant before God be used as a means to rectify a lack of self control. I think the author of this would have been better off writing about abstaining from sin rather than coercing people in to marriage at the expense of the other plans God has set before them to achieve first.


 

ITA with you. 



> 1Cor 7:32- 35
> 
> I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord:
> 
> ...


 

Single people are indeed blessed, blessed to focus solely on the Lord vs having to focus on their spouses first. So, I would say being single is a blessing, just as much as being married is.  I also think that people should learn to listen to God when it comes to marriage because any other advice can have terrible consequences.


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## softblackcotton (Feb 25, 2011)

I agree with this article, but reading it makes me feel anxious and sad. If God knows that most of people aren't cut out to be single and celibate, then why does He make some people wait so long before helping them find the one He wants them to be with? Especially if youth and beauty are commodities that men seek in women. Why are there so many single, childless women of mature age who don't want to be that way? Can someone please find the Bible passage to explain the plight of perpetually single Christian women? 

Sent from my T-Mobile myTouch 3G using Long Hair Care Forum App


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## makeupgirl (Feb 25, 2011)

softblackcotton said:


> I agree with this article, but reading it makes me feel anxious and sad. If God knows that most of people aren't cut out to be single and celibate, then why does He make some people wait so long before helping them find the one He wants them to be with? Especially if youth and beauty are commodities that men seek in women. Why are there so many single, childless women of mature age who don't want to be that way? Can someone please find the Bible passage to explain the plight of perpetually single Christian women?
> 
> Sent from my T-Mobile myTouch 3G using Long Hair Care Forum App


 
I think he's waiting on us as the believer to completely trust in him in every aspect of our lives, especially our love life. I had a hard time believing that growing up in my late teens/early 20's. It wasn't until I grew in the Lord that I thought back to what my mom told me when I complained about not having dates...I was the marrying kind. However, there is also preparations for the woman and the man, especially since Marriage is one of his special desgins that mankind has messed up in so many ways because of sin. I always thought in some way I might have unknowingly postpone meeting my husband because I wanted to do what I wanted to do and try to hook back up with my ex and do stupid decision based on my carnal desires, then what the word of God was advising me to do. I seriously don't think it's him that makes us wait, it's us. Granted, I was proposed to once and got sick on the stomach from the realization. I was also 23 and still had a teenage mind so know I wasn't ready at that moment. I wasn't ready last year but I had 2 boyfriends that wasn't either. This year, I believe in my heart and spirit that I am ready to settle down and meet my husband. No more counterfeits, players, giggies, but the real thing.

I don't know a verse to help explain the plight of perpetually single Christian women but I always look to Ruth and Esther as examples of how God worked in their lives leading them to their husbands. Ruth and Boaz is one of the most popular love stories in the bible and maybe in history, IMO. 

I think that God waits on us to truly commit to him before he gives us one of the greatest desires of our heart. 

Matt 6:33 "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you." 

Psalms 37:4 "Delight yourselves in the Lord and he shall give you the desires of your heart" 

Prov 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths."


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## Aviah (Mar 7, 2011)

I agree with the article. However i do feel this is a harder issue for women than men. When a man is ready he will go and pursue a woman, as for women, they have a more passive role in making things happen which can be hugely frustrating for many...


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