# Is is ungodly to date a friend's ex?



## LovelyNaps26 (Jun 2, 2010)

I've cooled off a bit but I'm still  upset. One of my girls from church Lisa* just called to let me know that one of our other friends, Jane, informed her that she likes her ex-boyfriend Rick and wants to pursue a relationship with him. Knowing Jane, she and Rick have been talking and she's more than likely decided to date Rick but just wanted to run it pass Lisa. Jane knew that Lisa and Rick dated and that Rick broke the relationship off. Of all the guys that Jane could have dated....forget that even if there weren't other guys I feel like to date her friend's ex is wrong. I know there is no godly reason per se, why Jane shouldn't be allowed to date Rick. Still, it just makes me feel some kind of a way.  The next time I see Jane all I'll think is that if I had dated someone and broken up with him she'd have no issue dating him. Lisa was clear in explaining to Jane that her decision to date Rick will change their relationship. However, what I don't think Jane realizes is other friends, myself included, will have a different view of her. I know Christians have views on certain relationship issues (i.e. pre-marital sex) but, I feel like the "don't date a friend's ex" is a universal code that a lot of folks subscribe to. 


*What do you think? Am I over-reacting by feeling upset with my friend Jane? Is it fine to date a friend's ex? *

(Lisa and Rick broke up last year and Rick and Jane just met a month ago. Jane was out of the country during Lisa's relationship BUT knew that they dated)


*The names of my friends have been changed.


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## Iluvsmuhgrass (Jun 2, 2010)

I can't say whether or not it's Godly but I can say that I truly believe it's in bad taste. Of all the men in the world... why date a friend's ex? Especially if the friendship is valued. I'm pretty sure that some folks will disagree and say that he's fair game but IMHO that's beyond tacky. I don't know if it'd be worth getting upset over... but I'd definitely know which side of the fence that "friend" was on.


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## Renewed1 (Jun 2, 2010)

I don't think its ungodly, but I do believe its unethical and disrespectful to your friend.  

A real friend wouldn't date your ex.  It's nasty IMO, kissing a guy that kissed your friend.....YUCK!


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## Keen (Jun 2, 2010)

Definitely not unGodly but it's bad taste. There are plenty of women who thinks there is nothing wrong with that. I'm sorry but I'd find it unconfortable. I put my friend who does not think there is anything wrong with that on notice. I told her I can't tell her who to date, but if she date one of my ex, she is jeopardizing our friendship. It's her choice...


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## Lylddlebit (Jun 2, 2010)

I agree with the other posters...I wouldn't call it ungodly, but personality I don't want a dude any woman can have.  A man who would date me and a friend of mine? YUCK!


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## Mena (Jun 2, 2010)

Bad taste... ungodly no.


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## CoilyFields (Jun 2, 2010)

I dated a friends ex. lol. 

They had dated a few years before and I met and exchanged numbers with him before I knew he was her ex. Didnt really hang with her that much but I did ask her if she cared...she said she absolutely did not care...she was the one who stopped calling him so I dont know if that had anything to do with it, or more to the fact that they dated but were never actually bf/gf.

Is it ungodly...absolutely not! Is it ok in friendships? I think that depends on the friendship and circumstances (i.e. length of relationship, time passed since, reason etc. ). If they had been in love or it ended badly then I wouldnt have even considered it. I've also had a friend date an ex of mine...and she asked beforehand also (these were two different groups of friends and years apart lol...dont wanna make it sound all incestual like we're playing ring around the rosey with our guys lol).


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## Detroit2Dallas (Jun 2, 2010)

i dont see anything wrong with it, i dont have a claim to anybody thats an ex, hell i dont even have a claim to ANYONE unless there is an established relationship. 
I think its immature for women to get caught up in anger because a friend is dating an EX.
 its an EX for a reason, ie you guys couldnt connect, let it go already. My cousin is dating my ex, I hooked them up and I love them both and hope they find happiness. I find lots of joy in thinking that I may have introduced him to his wife and her to her husband, but I'm 28 and very secure in myself. HE wasnt for me but that has NOTHING to do with anybody else. I also dont hold on to people emotionally, thats a waste of time n energy. But i realize i'm very different from alot of women.


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## lesedi (Jun 2, 2010)

I feel some kinda way about it. Too many men in this world. Why him?
I don't think it's immature to be hurt/offended by it.
Plus, don't we run to our friends during break ups? We hear the 'You can do so much better' speech from our friends but secretely she thinking he's a catch? No ma'am- I'm not down.


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## Keen (Jun 2, 2010)

NaturalDetroit said:


> i dont see anything wrong with it, i dont have a claim to anybody thats an ex, hell i dont even have a claim to ANYONE unless there is an established relationship.
> I think its immature for women to get caught up in anger because a friend is dating an EX.
> its an EX for a reason, ie you guys couldnt connect, let it go already. My cousin is dating my ex, I hooked them up and I love them both and hope they find happiness. I find lots of joy in thinking that I may have introduced him to his wife and her to her husband, but I'm 28 and very secure in myself. HE wasnt for me but that has NOTHING to do with anybody else. I also dont hold on to people emotionally, thats a waste of time energy. But i realize i'm very different from alot of women.


 
The way that CoilyFields explain it is different. My issue is when we're all friends, I'm dating him now and you're dating him later. It makes me wonder if you were evaluating him for yourself when I was with him. Anyway maybe my friend is different. She feels like she has to date anyone who looks at her or she may miss out on her soulmate.


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## Detroit2Dallas (Jun 2, 2010)

lesedi said:


> I feel some kinda way about it. Too many men in this world. Why him?
> I don't think it's immature to be hurt/offended by it.
> Plus, don't we run to our friends during break ups? We hear the 'You can do so much better' speech from our friends but secretely she thinking he's a catch? No ma'am- I'm not down.


 
not trying to downplay your feelings but in your post u said their are too many men in this world, flip that and say there are too many men in this world to be stuck on your past ones. move forward and move on and meet some new ones. i just dont understand how i can get mad at a friend for liking an ex, he wasnt right for me but he may be great for her...idk, my views are usually unpopular and i march to a drumbeat that is my own....lots of women dont release men emotionally and thats unhealthy. if you are truly over someone then it doesnt matter what they do and if your girlfriend finds happiness in that person then why would u not rejoice with her? my girlfriends and i just view things differently...this is something i wouldnt lose sleep about


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## tweezer6 (Jun 2, 2010)

Ungodly no, STICKY yes. I know so many people who have done this and in most cases it leads to ill will and broken friendships. The man/woman moves on to new prey (oops I mean a new relationship) and the friendship is left in shambles. But as someone said before me we don't have control or dibs on any man/woman. And unfortunately the man I date may be wrong for me but right for a friend-preferably a friend who now lives in another country (and still I cringe at that thought). I hope your friend doesn't let this get her down or you for that matter. Forgive her (albeit trifling) and move on. Ask yourself what would the characters in a Tyler Perry movie do? Oh wait forget that- LOL Sorry just wanted to lighten it up a bit. Good luck


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## lesedi (Jun 2, 2010)

NaturalDetroit said:


> not trying to downplay your feelings but in your post u said their are too many men in this world, flip that and say there are too many men in this world to be stuck on your past ones. move forward and move on and meet some new ones. i just dont understand how i can get mad at a friend for liking an ex, he wasnt right for me but he may be great for her...idk, my views are usually unpopular and i march to a drumbeat that is my own....lots of women dont release men emotionally and thats unhealthy. if you are truly over someone then it doesnt matter what they do and if your girlfriend finds happiness in that person then why would u not rejoice with her? my girlfriends and i just view things differently...this is something i wouldnt lose sleep about


 
What's to say that you are over them just because they are an ex? Even if you were , I would find it uncomfortable talking to my girlfriend about how great my new man is when he was a dogg to her...
I dunno I'd want to be happy for my girlfriend but I don't think I could if I'm honest. I think it's a betrayal_ on both sides_. Any friend of mine that dated an ex, wouldn't be thought of by me in the same way. I think we'd end up as associates rather than girls...
I respect your opinion but it's not for me.


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## Poohbear (Jun 2, 2010)

I'm surprised that most of you are saying this is not ungodly...


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## Detroit2Dallas (Jun 2, 2010)

lesedi said:


> What's to say that you are over them just because they are an ex? Even if you were , I would find it uncomfortable talking to my girlfriend about how great my new man is when he was a dogg to her...
> I dunno I'd want to be happy for my girlfriend but I don't think I could if I'm honest. I think it's a betrayal_ on both sides_. Any friend of mine that dated an ex, wouldn't be thought of by me in the same way. I think we'd end up as associates rather than girls...
> I respect your opinion but it's not for me.


 
o i'm sorry,I wasnt trying to make it sound so personal. I'm not targeting anyone, just adding my 2 cents to the thread.


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## donna894 (Jun 2, 2010)

It is ungodly in the sense that as Christians we are to treat each other with compassion and not intentionally do things which cause our fellow man (or woman) pain.    Ask yourself WWJD (What would Jesus do?)  And can you really be happy, knowing that your choices have caused someone else misery?


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## lesedi (Jun 2, 2010)

NaturalDetroit said:


> o i'm sorry,I wasnt trying to make it sound so personal. I'm not targeting anyone, just adding my 2 cents to the thread.


 

I didn't take it personally at all


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## 8HoursFromHome (Jun 2, 2010)

Some folks may think it's OK; others have a very different opinion.  Let's play devil's advocate here.  (my scenario) What if you live in a small town?  Already there are not many men to choose from.  Take away the men who are gay, incarcerated and married...  That doesn't leave very many...  I'm just sayin... I've learned to let him go when I let him go.  If he's my ex, there's a reason for that.  I dated an ex-friend's ex.  She was appalled!  I thought it was kind of funny because she cheated on him every chance she could - even with 2 of my brothers. She asked me how I'd feel if she dated an ex of mine.  I told her that it wouldn't bother me at all which pissed her off even more...


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## Guitarhero (Jun 2, 2010)

We all takes sides and have ideas about friend loyalty but I think that Jane hasn't let Rick go.  Rick isn't tied to Jane (*this all sounds like an elementary school reader lolol) at all.  Has a lot of time passed since their relationship?  Now, has Rick expressed interest in Jane at all?  That might be why he broke up with Lisa in the first place.  That would change things lol.  At least Lisa was respectful enough to let someone know but she didn't have to.  If a friendship has to end because of a dude, then it wasn't all that tight.  Somebody's feelings are still very hurt.


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## Guitarhero (Jun 2, 2010)

Poohbear said:


> I'm surprised that most of you are saying this is not ungodly...



Ok Pooh gurl, you can't just leave us hanging with that statement   Why?

And @Donna, WWJD?  He wouldn't be dating in the first place.  LOLOLOL~!


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## aribell (Jun 2, 2010)

I think it really depends on the friendship and how close the two women are.  The level of closeness between the two would probably be the main factor in deciding whether Jane betrayed Lisa's trust...especially if Jane knows Lisa isn't over Rick.  If they're like sisters, then that's pretty  cold.  If they just kind of run in the same circles, well...maybe it's not nice, but like it was stated, they're not together anymore and Lisa doesn't have a right to quarantine Rick.  Is it about her friendship with this woman that she's bothered, or is it about her desire to control--as much as it's in her ability--who Rick dates (as she's probably  hoping he'll return to her)?

I think the thing that verges on the ungodly is having dating relationships in which we begin feeling and acting as if we have a right to be possessive over those we're dating, or those for whom we have strong feelings.  Marriage is the place for godly jealousy.  Before that, people need to leave open the possibility that this person is not theirs or the one they are going to be with and then be able to let it go if it doesn't work.  It's hard, but imo, necessary, as true Christ-like love is about always willing and acting for the good of the other person.  But you aren't acting for their true good if you're deciding what's good for them instead of letting them do so, or deciding what's good for them based on what you want to happen with them.  Regardless of what Jane does, Lisa has to know that Christ-likeness calls her to genuinely want Rick's best without respect to what she hopes to get from him.

I think it also makes a difference how serious the feelings and intentions are between Rick and Jane.  If Jane's just looking for a movie buddy, then yeah, that's bad taste--you can date casually just about anyone.  Why unnecessarily stir up hurt feelings?  But if they really like one another and feel like it could be something real, well, let them have their chance.Boyfriends do come and go, but so do friendships.  Jane has to decide which is more important to her, as she will likely lose one of them.


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## donna894 (Jun 2, 2010)

Natchitoches said:


> Ok Pooh gurl, you can't just leave us hanging with that statement   Why?
> 
> And *@Donna, WWJD?  He wouldn't be dating in the first place.*  LOLOLOL~!



Good one...  Perhaps I should have said "What Would Jesus Say."  He gave lots of advice even though he was not personally in the situation


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## Detroit2Dallas (Jun 2, 2010)

donna894 said:


> Good one... Perhaps I should have said "What Eould Jesus Say." He gave lots of advice even though he was not personally in the situation


 

think about what he told the woman at the well. thats how he would view this


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## sprungonhairboards (Jun 2, 2010)

nicola.kirwan said:


> I think it really depends on the friendship and how close the two women are.  The level of closeness between the two would probably be the main factor in deciding whether Jane betrayed Lisa's trust...especially if Jane knows Lisa isn't over Rick.  If they're like sisters, then that's pretty  cold.  If they just kind of run in the same circles, well...maybe it's not nice, but like it was stated, they're not together anymore and Lisa doesn't have a right to quarantine Rick.  Is it about her friendship with this woman that she's bothered, or is it about her desire to control--as much as it's in her ability--who Rick dates (as she's probably  hoping he'll return to her)?
> 
> *I think the thing that verges on the ungodly is having dating relationships in which we begin feeling and acting as if we have a right to be possessive over those we're dating, or those for whom we have strong feelings.  Marriage is the place for godly jealousy.  Before that, people need to leave open the possibility that this person is not theirs or the one they are going to be with and then be able to let it go if it doesn't work. * It's hard, but imo, necessary, as true Christ-like love is about always willing and acting for the good of the other person.  But you aren't acting for their true good if you're deciding what's good for them instead of letting them do so, or deciding what's good for them based on what you want to happen with them.  Regardless of what Jane does, Lisa has to know that Christ-likeness calls her to genuinely want Rick's best without respect to what she hopes to get from him.
> 
> I think it also makes a difference how serious the feelings and intentions are between Rick and Jane.  If Jane's just looking for a movie buddy, then yeah, that's bad taste--you can date casually just about anyone.  Why unnecessarily stir up hurt feelings?  But if they really like one another and feel like it could be something real, well, let them have their chance.Boyfriends do come and go, but so do friendships.  Jane has to decide which is more important to her, as she will likely lose one of them.



I agree with this 100% 

Even though I still wouldn't do it.


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## LovelyNaps26 (Jun 2, 2010)

I knew there is nothing I could think of in terms of God being against such a relationship for me to think it was ungodly. Still, I felt and feel annoyed and a bit upset over it. This really has nothing with her being a Christian but with character, IMO. There are definitely holy people who ain't too nice. 
Among our circle of friends she has had way more experience that the rest of us. Rick was my girl Lisa's first bf and to my knowledge would be Jane's 5th or 6th serious bf ( not included guys she casually dated). The number isn't as important as the fact that I know this woman has a gift many women wish they had. She can attract men. That's why, for the life of me, I don't know why she'd even consider homeboy if she knew the second they met that he was her friend's ex. Shouldn't that frame the interaction? 

The sad thing is one of our other girlfriends never cared too much for her and even told Lisa she wouldn't be surprised if Jane dated Rick. We always defended Jane. But now...


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## Detroit2Dallas (Jun 2, 2010)

LovelyNaps26 said:


> I knew there is nothing I could think of in terms of God being against such a relationship for me to think it was ungodly. Still, I felt and feel annoyed and a bit upset over it. This really has nothing with her being a Christian but with character, IMO. There are definitely holy people who ain't too nice.
> Among our circle of friends she has had way more experience that the rest of us. Rick was my girl Lisa's first bf and to my knowledge would be Jane's 5th or 6th serious bf ( not included guys she casually dated). The number isn't as important as the fact that I know this woman has a gift many women wish they had. She can attract men. That's why, for the life of me, I don't know why she'd even consider homeboy if she knew the second they met that he was her friend's ex. Shouldn't that frame the interaction?
> 
> The sad thing is one of our other girlfriends never cared too much for her and even told Lisa she wouldn't be surprised if Jane dated Rick. We always defended Jane. But now...


 

um, are YOU the "friend"?


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## LovelyNaps26 (Jun 2, 2010)

Poohbear said:


> I'm surprised that most of you are saying this is not ungodly...



Hmmm... before I cooled down I felt like it was ungodly even though I knew it wasn't a sin per se. Doing something you know will hurt someone else just seems so selfish. Selfishness in my mind was the ungodly thing. Still, I'll  not play God. I  won't say it's ungodly but I still feel some kind of a way about it. erplexed

I'm just praying I won't give no one the side eye at Bible study or church. I hate drama in the House, so i need to be graceful about this. Lisa seems calmer about this than me so I need to take a page out of her book.


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## LovelyNaps26 (Jun 2, 2010)

NaturalDetroit said:


> um, are YOU the "friend"?



you'd think I was the way i'm carrying on.  no my friend is a real person. she's actually pretty calm and graceful about the situation. i'm the one being all "oh, no she didn't". i need to be quiet though 'cause I really don't want to be an instigator. that's part of the reason i'm venting on lhcf and not to my friends IRL.


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## Poohbear (Jun 2, 2010)

Natchitoches said:


> Ok Pooh gurl, you can't just leave us hanging with that statement  Why?


 I know... I thought about elaborating, but donna894 pretty much summed up part of my view (that it's ungodly in that your choice is causing misery or pain to someone you are friends with, love, or care about)... even though I can see where others are coming from too (for instance, I agree with NaturalDetroit when she said women shouldn't hold on to their EX's emotionally and that it's a waste of energy).

_Edited To Add:_ Not to offend or point anyone out, but CoilyFields' reply is what really made me make that statement because I know she makes a lot of "Bible-abiding" posts in this forum. It seems like she said this was not ungodly since she dated an ex of one of her friends before. Just because you've done it doesn't make it okay.


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## Renovating (Jun 2, 2010)

I think it is ungodly. 

10th commandment- 10 “You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.” 

I'm sure someone is going to say it doesn't apply to this situation because it's her ex, but it's likely she was interested while they were together.


I Thessolonians 5:22 Abstain from all appearance of evil.


That situation sounds like nothing but confusion and God is NOT the author of confusion. 
The real question is: Is it Godly to date a friend's ex? I think when you answer that question, you can answer the original question, because we all know something can't be Godly and ungodly at the same time, right?


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## loolalooh (Jun 2, 2010)

authenticitymanifesting said:


> I think it is ungodly.
> 
> *10th commandment- 10 “You shall not covet your neighbor's house; you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.”*
> 
> ...


 
The bolded is a way in which it would be ungodly - If Jane coveted Rick while Rick was her neighbor's (i.e., Lisa's) boyfriend. That ain't right  .. unless there is something I'm not seeing?

Now once the relationship is over, things change. Indirect ungodliness can present itself if the ex is himself ungodly. If I broke up with an evil, foolish man and my best friend starts dating him, she's getting herself into some ungodly stuff. I'd be worried because she's choosing the wrong path and didn't learn from my messup. 

Outside of these situations, I think the world screws with our mindset on how to respond in this situation. When a bf and gf share things that only a wife and husband should share (e.g., sex), they develop a "oneness".  When two people date each other for eons and even cohabitate, they develop a "oneness". (A whole other topic.) Avoiding such situations helps us to avoid the emotional (or soul) tie that remains long after a breakup. 

Now I'm not saying that Lisa and Rick did the above.  I just wonder why she has still has a tie to him if they broke up more than 6 months ago.  Jane has to determine in herself whether she is following God's instructions or her own desires.


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## aribell (Jun 2, 2010)

LovelyNaps26 said:


> I knew there is nothing I could think of in terms of God being against such a relationship for me to think it was ungodly. Still, I felt and feel annoyed and a bit upset over it. This really has nothing with her being a Christian but with character, IMO. There are definitely holy people who ain't too nice.
> Among our circle of friends she has had way more experience that the rest of us. Rick was my girl Lisa's first bf and to my knowledge would be Jane's 5th or 6th serious bf ( not included guys she casually dated). The number isn't as important as the fact that I know this woman has a gift many women wish they had. She can attract men. That's why, for the life of me, I don't know why she'd even consider homeboy if she knew the second they met that he was her friend's ex. Shouldn't that frame the interaction?
> 
> The sad thing is one of our other girlfriends never cared too much for her and even told Lisa she wouldn't be surprised if Jane dated Rick. We always defended Jane. But now...



It sounds like you and your other friend think that Jane's a sneaky character...like maybe it's an ego thing for her?  I mean if Jane wasn't even in the country and one of your friends thougt she'd end up with Rick it sounds like either she has a habit of doing such things, or there was something about her and Rick being together that made sense.  Anyway, if Jane's just a sneaky friend, that's something different.


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## Detroit2Dallas (Jun 2, 2010)

loolalooh said:


> The bolded is a way in which it would be ungodly - If Jane coveted Rick while Rick was her neighbor's (i.e., Lisa's) boyfriend. That ain't right .. unless there is something I'm not seeing?
> 
> Now once the relationship is over, things change. Indirect ungodliness can present itself if the ex is himself ungodly. If I broke up with an evil, foolish man and my best friend starts dating him, she's getting herself into some ungodly stuff. I'd be worried because she's choosing the wrong path and didn't learn from my messup.
> 
> ...


 
@bolded. ...funny, but lots of men could care less about their friends dating an EX because they arent as emotoionally vested in these women as the womens are with them. Men will move on in a heartbeat (hence rick) and the Janes of the world (or whatever her name is, I'm getting confused ) will be sitting back still heartbroken and trying to pull herself together. She still wants him and he could give two farts about her.


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## loolalooh (Jun 2, 2010)

Deleted.

I see the difference now.


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## aribell (Jun 2, 2010)

loolalooh said:


> I see what you're saying.  *I'd like to hear people's thoughts on the following situation:*
> 
> Isaac marrying Leah then the sister Rebecca.  Leah was very hurt by the situation, but Rebecca was whom God originally chose for Isaac. (Isaac had to marry Leah in order to get Rebecca, from what I recall.)  It was messy how
> Leah was brought into the whole thing, but it wasn't ungodly for Isaac to be with Rebecca ...
> ...



(I think you mean the story of Jacob and Rachel--whose sister was Leah, rather than Isaac and Rebekah.)  I think I agree with your train of thought.  I always felt sorry for Leah, as even the Bible says she was unloved.  And God had pity on her because of it and blessed her with children.  But it's never implied that she was owed Jacob's affection.  And I think there's a good reason for that.  There's a difference between what we really want and wish we could have and what is owed to us.  Even beyond justice, someone loving us isn't necessarily about giving us what we want.


 The situation was clearly different then, but I think we really have to pause before talking 
about not hurting people's feelings because they still feel attached to someone.  This is not an issue of justice or righteousness.  If they were close, and that's a big if, then it could be a betrayal of trust.  But I think that we as Christian women need to take more seriously the admonition in Song of Songs not to awaken love until it is pleasing, or until it is appropriate.

I don't say that as someone interested (or ever having been interested) in a friend's guy or former guy.  But I have had to let go of attachments, and I think situations like this simply confront the old gf with a harsh reality that she may not want to face. (though in this case Lisa seems to be dealing with it all right).


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## loolalooh (Jun 2, 2010)

nicola.kirwan said:


> (I think you mean the story of Jacob and Rachel--whose sister was Leah, rather than Isaac and Rebekah.)  I think I agree with your train of thought.  I always felt sorry for Leah, as even the Bible says she was unloved.  And God had pity on her because of it and blessed her with children.  But it's never implied that she was owed Jacob's affection.  And I think there's a good reason for that.  *There's a difference between what we really want and wish we could have and what is owed to us.  Even beyond justice, someone loving us isn't necessarily about giving us what we want.*
> 
> 
> *The situation was clearly different then, but I think we really have to pause before talking
> ...



Yes, Jacob and Rachel!  Thanks for the correction and explanation.

I agree especially with the bolded.


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## LovelyNaps26 (Jun 2, 2010)

loolalooh said:


> The bolded is a way in which it would be ungodly - If Jane coveted Rick while Rick was her neighbor's (i.e., Lisa's) boyfriend. That ain't right  .. unless there is something I'm not seeing?
> 
> Now once the relationship is over, things change. Indirect ungodliness can present itself if the ex is himself ungodly. If I broke up with an evil, foolish man and my best friend starts dating him, she's getting herself into some ungodly stuff. I'd be worried because she's choosing the wrong path and didn't learn from my messup.
> 
> ...



I can say this much. My friends dated and did so in a Christian manner so sex and the issue of soul ties isn't the thing. Of course i can't know but i doubt my girl, who was 27 at the time and who got her first kiss from him would have given it up in 6 months. I think it's more a sense of disappointment that a good friend would date an EX. When you see an ex, especially if he broke up with you and you liked him, you still feel funny. You know that feeling you get when your heart races a bit and you try not to look awkward? That's how Lisa feels. Not anger or bitterness just awkwardness. Seeing her ex date one of her friends only exacerbates that feeling. Jane, who is an intelligent sister (at least intelligent enough to earn a doctorate) should have the good sense to know that her decision would be hurtful. Sad thing is, her decision hasn't only affected her and Lisa's relationship but I know I and another friend (the four of us were tight) won't see her the same either. I know I may seem immature since it isn't my issue but all i can think is "Dang, if i broke up with a guy, went through a few weeks of feeling down, sister girl would have no issue dating him all up in my face". It's hard to trust someone like that. Therefore, I'm sad to say, her action towards another friend has wounded our friendship. She probably doesn't even know...yet.

Just came from Bible study and my pastor mentioned that there are some people you can be friends with and others you should just be "cool with". I felt like it was confirmation. I'll say hi and be respectful but I don't think there'll be anymore sister girl brunches and movie nights.
I'm allergic to two things: Penicillin and trifling


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## Raspberry (Jun 2, 2010)

I know someone in church who married their best friend's ex-husband.  People in their circle definitely felt iffy or disturbed about it.  My concern is how the friendship may have suffered- cause it had to.

People say there's all these fish in the sea but in reality it's not so simple.  While I can't see myself marrying my best friend's ex, I can see how it's easy to date someone whose lifestyle and personality you're already familiar with, not to mention added physical attraction.

Like was stated before I think it depends on the situation and how deeply you feel about the relationship's potential.  As I've gotten older I don't see the BF/GF connection as a status to be revered as highly as society tends to, though relationship commitments should be respected of course.  If you're not married to someone, the status of an ex-BF is really not that meaningful in the big picture. I can't see cutting all friends' exes out of your mate pool when those previous relationships were most likely merely a bump on the road to their ideal marriage or relationship.  Loyalty in the romance arena is only an absolute standard within marriage IMO.

However, I do agree with nicola.kirwan that Christian women should not be quick to "awaken love" unnecessarily (gosh i've had multiple convos about that verse lately). Many times we as women are pursing dating out of a sense of compulsion or neediness rather than a sense of peace and purpose.  If you don't _have_ to have that man and confusion and broken relationships are at stake, I would say to leave it alone.


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## LovelyNaps26 (Jun 3, 2010)

Raspberry said:


> I know someone in church *who married their best friend's ex-husband. * People in their circle definitely felt iffy or disturbed about it.  My concern is how the friendship may have suffered- cause it had to.
> 
> People say there's all these fish in the sea but in reality it's not so simple.  While I can't see myself marrying my best friend's ex, I can see how it's easy to date someone whose lifestyle and personality you're already familiar with, not to mention added physical attraction.
> 
> ...



the situation you describe is on another level. the ex-bf thing is one thing but the only way i could see someone doing something kind of like that but it not being shady is if the best fried passed away. otherwise, i don't think it's cool. 

the unnecessary aspect you mentioned was part of my frustration. the girl is graduating in august with her phd and, as far as i know, may very likely be leaving the state. she's said that she wouldn't date anyone this year 'cause she's leaving so there's no point. but then she goes and starts to talk to someone, who just happens to be her friend's ex 4 months before she's about to leave. i don't think it's fair to count someone out of your dating pool b/c he dated a friend for 6 or 7 months ( i think in the case of a broken engagement or broken marriage you should count them out). i just think if you're about to bounce why do it. dang, at least wait 'til you leave if you just GOTTA have brotha man. spare yourself side eyes and from facing guilt. i say this 'cause she cried crocadile tears when she told Lisa she was dating Rick.


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## loolalooh (Jun 3, 2010)

LovelyNaps26 said:


> I can say this much. My friends dated and did so in a Christian manner so sex and the issue of soul ties isn't the thing. Of course i can't know but i doubt my girl, who was 27 at the time and who got her *first kiss from him would have given it up in 6 months*. I think it's more a sense of disappointment that a good friend would date an EX. *When you see an ex, especially if he broke up with you and you liked him, you still feel funny. You know that feeling you get when your heart races a bit and you try not to look awkward? That's how Lisa feels. Not anger or bitterness just awkwardness. Seeing her ex date one of her friends only exacerbates that feeling.* Jane, who is an intelligent sister (at least intelligent enough to earn a doctorate) should have the good sense to know that her decision would be hurtful. Sad thing is, her decision hasn't only affected her and Lisa's relationship but I know I and another friend (the four of us were tight) won't see her the same either. I know I may seem immature since it isn't my issue but all i can think is "Dang, if i broke up with a guy, went through a few weeks of feeling down, sister girl would have no issue dating him all up in my face". It's hard to trust someone like that. Therefore, I'm sad to say, her action towards another friend has wounded our friendship. She probably doesn't even know...yet.


 
Lisa and Rick dated for 6 months.  She received her first kiss from him.  Lisa and Rick have been broken up since last year (i.e., at least 5 months).  Lisa still feels funny and her heart races a bit.  Though they are both Christians, something seems off about the situation to me.  Christians can make mistakes (e.g., as big as fornication or as small as awakening love prior to God's timing or with the wrong man/woman).  I can't put my finger on it, but I may come back to this.  

Did Lisa and Rick really date in "Christian manner"?  (I'm thinking out loud here and I'm not the one to make the call.)  I sometimes wonder if kissing should be reserved for marriage.  It is a highly personal, intimate act.  Perhaps Lisa sharing this experience for the first time with Rick was a mistake?



LovelyNaps26 said:


> Just came from Bible study and my pastor mentioned that there are some people you can be friends with and others you should just be "cool with". I felt like it was confirmation. I'll say hi and be respectful but I don't think there'll be anymore sister girl brunches and movie nights.
> I'm allergic to two things: Penicillin and trifling


 
Jane, Jane.  The more she is discussed the more I'd question a friendship with her too.  It's not so much because she's dating the ex but more so because of her motives behind the action and her innate character.  It's one thing if she's prayed about it and truly feels Rick is the man God wants for her.  It's another thing if she's just playing the field or thinks Rick is foine and wants to scope him out.  Though I don't know her or her true motives/character, I cosign with the just be "cool with" for now.


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## delitefulmane (Jun 3, 2010)

I have nothing to add but I love hearing this discussion from the Christian perspective!!


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## CoilyFields (Jun 3, 2010)

I wonder if the situation would be seen differently if Lisa had already moved on and gotten married? Would it still be seen as a betrayal for Jane to date Rick? Is it wrong because Lisa has/had feelings for Rick or is it wrong because she hasn't ok'd the relationship?




Poohbear said:


> I know... I thought about elaborating, but donna894 pretty much summed up part of my view (that it's ungodly in that your choice is causing misery or pain to someone you are friends with, love, or care about)... even though I can see where others are coming from too (for instance, I agree with NaturalDetroit when she said women shouldn't hold on to their EX's emotionally and that it's a waste of energy).
> 
> _Edited To Add:_ Not to offend or point anyone out, but CoilyFields' reply is what really made me make that statement because I know she makes a lot of "Bible-abiding" posts in this forum. It seems like she said this was not ungodly since she dated an ex of one of her friends before. Just because you've done it doesn't make it okay.


 
Not offended at all dear! Formula time: lol

ungodly=sinful

Is it a sin to date someones ex? I dont know any scriptures that would support that. 
The closest is the one mentioned above about coveting your neighbors stuff. And that can only be applied if 
a. that thing/person belongs to the neighbor (in this case an ex is not someone who is yours any longer) or
b. Jane was coveting Rick while he and Lisa were together.
And it could be a sin if Jane intentionally did it to hurt Lisa...(and then its not the act thats the sin but the motivation)

About causing misery to others: What exactly is the scripture youre referring to? 

If none of thses apply then that takes it out of the sin category and puts it in the preference category. 

It may be unpopular to date a friends ex to some people but personally I believe that its something that depends on a lot of things like the ones I mentioned earlier.

I haven't "approved" it because I did it. That would make me a hypocrite. A sin is a sin whether I've done it or am doing it now. 

Now if someone can offer other scriptures that show that its a sin I will gladly listen.


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## LovelyNaps26 (Jun 3, 2010)

^^^ I don't think it is ungodly. i raised the question but i can't say it is a sin. also, i think that Jane has issues with dating. She just wrote about it in a recent blog. I think I need to pray for her. I've cooled down a bit and I won't see her for another 2 weeks so I think I should take the time to pray about the situation. I'm not saying I can congratulate her but I still want to smile and be genuine. I'm not good at acting.


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## LovelyNaps26 (Jun 21, 2010)

I saw my "friend" (i'm not even sure if i can still call her a friend if this is how she acts) who is dating our other friend's ex in church today. i sat behind her and during praise and worship i had to pray that God would give me peace in my heart. I think she has issues with emotional attachment, given her relationship history, and i guess this is why she thinks all should be well when dating a friend's ex. 

*Anyway, have any of you found that you were just as angry with someone who offended one of your friends as the person who was offended?* I actually think I'm angrier but I shouldn't be. If you've been in a similar situation *how did you interact with the person when you now know that *a) they offended your friend and knew that they were doing so   b) that they're the kind of person that wouldn't have a problem dating _your _ex if you and him broke up ?


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