# christianity and online dating?



## Kinkyhairlady (Aug 27, 2012)

What are your views on this? I've been going back and forth on if I should get serious about finding a mate and nonlinear dating is one option. My issue is that I feel God may not want me to take this route. I'm just confused and wanted to hear from some of you on your thoughts on this.


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## Kinkyhairlady (Aug 27, 2012)

So many have looked at this thread and not comment? I guess no one wants to touch the subject!


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## MrsHaseeb (Aug 27, 2012)

Well ill touch it because that's how I am   My opinion is that it's not necessary. I go to a church that focuses a lot on changing the way you think and making your thoughts line up with the Word of God. As Christians we are apart of an unshakable kingdom in which we operate under the Lordship of Jesus Christ and His kingdom is superior to the kingdoms of the world. What does that have to do with dating? There is no lack in God's kingdom. When we operate under His rule and reign he provides. And I think many times we Christians get caught up in what we see (meaning we don't see these good men anywhere), but we are instructed to walk by faith and not by sight. According to the kingdoms of the world there is a shortage of good men (especially black ones). But in the kingdom of our Lord and His Christ if we delight ourselves in Him, he WILL give us the desires of our heart. That is a promise. So if you desire a husband God wants you to have one. If you feel that God doesn't want you to pursue online dating don't do it. Just begin to profess the Word of God and believe it. Believe that God's kingdom is full of good men who will make good husbands. Now I'm not married (yet) but we have to begin to believe this as Christian women. Thoughts proceed form and what we believe to be true does show up in our daily lives. So choose to believe that God's kingdom is superior in ALL things, including marriage. We have to trust Him more. I refuse to believe that I'm doomed to be single based on the world's statistics. Maybe my views are extreme but I did pray a long time ago and ask God to purge me of the views of the world and the worlds way of doing things. I wanted to be consumed with him. And when I became consumed I met someone in the most unusual way .. ill share one day 

Sent from my 4G HTC Thunderbolt using LHCF


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## Shimmie (Aug 27, 2012)

MrsHaseeb said:


> Well ill touch it because that's how I am   My opinion is that it's not necessary. I go to a church that focuses a lot on changing the way you think and making your thoughts line up with the Word of God. As Christians we are apart of an unshakable kingdom in which we operate under the Lordship of Jesus Christ and His kingdom is superior to the kingdoms of the world.
> 
> What does that have to do with dating?
> 
> ...



Awesome Word...  Completely True.


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## Shimmie (Aug 27, 2012)

First... 



Don't be discouraged when responses don't come but lots of views do... it's just one of those things until someone has time to put their thoughts together.     So be encouraged, okay?   

Now... as for me, I'm just too vain and knew I didn't need online dating and I didn't... that's just my way of thinking.   As MrsHaseeb shared above, there no limit to what God can do and God knows how to bring people together; for some it may just be a dating sight, for others, it may not.   

I know several people who have tried them and ended up with disappointments; plus and this is just me..... Okay.. it's ONLY  Me, who's thinking this way, which is...... I feel that if men are on a dating sight, that they must be desperate and not really making out in the real world.   

Now I said, that this is just me.   I mean really, why does a man need a dating sight unless he's lacking something.   I'm not discounting the men who are there, not at all... Well, maybe I did take some points away... 

I dunno, I again have no doubt that God may lead some men there for that's where his future wife is waiting to meet him.     Notice I said, 'some', not all.    

Nevertheless, follow God's heart.   If you are truly wanting to be married, then married you shall be and happily married at that.   

_Father in Jesus' Name, you know exactly where our precious sister's husband is and how you have planned for them to meet.   I just thank you for bringing their hearts together even now, in loving prayers for one another.   Father thank you for speaking to each of their hearts about one another, and when the day comes when they meet, they will know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this is the one... to become 'One' in you and with one another.  

He will see her and know that she is 'Bone of his Bones and Flesh of his Flesh', she is his Beloved Wife, whom you have joined together, Male and Female, whom no man can put assunder.   

Father thank you for 'banning' and binding away all counterfeits and deceptions, and giving them YOUR peace deep within their hearts.  No games necessary to be played.    

In Jesus' Name... Amen and Amen.  _ 

Now... start with the hair... keep it glowing and keep your nails well oiled with vitamin E oil.   Hair, Skin and Nails and a pretty smile... you're ready.


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## LifeafterLHCF (Aug 27, 2012)

I'm totally on the other side of the spectrum on this topic. I find that online dating is like any other thing it opens the possibilities. Now don't date stupidly ie sexually stuff,not praying about things upfront,not asking questions,etc but online dating can be good and bad. It's like dating period. Not everyone is into being at a bar or a church for that matter. I wouldn't be found at a church since the church I belong to and follow is based out of MD. 

I look at online dating like applying for jobs online. Some won't connect,some will call but won't workout but then there is those that do work and can lead to friendship and more. It's all on perspective and knowing what you want upfront. I am in the process of doing the online dating thing. And yes it can be hard but alas dating is just hard for people like me. It's just the facts of life at this phase. Some are able to find a great mate and be happy. Again it's all in how your working it upfront.


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## aribell (Aug 27, 2012)

Shimmie said:


> First...
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Aww...don't give them too much of a side eye, lol.  I really think that some men who would make perfectly good husbands experience frustration in dating.  They may be able to get dates but can't find what they want (some don't know where to look), and others for some reason, just might not be able to find dates with women they really click with.  I also think that some just view it as another way to meet people you wouldn't normally be exposed to irl.  

Regarding the op, IMO, internet dating is not itself godly or ungodly.  It's just a venue for being introduced to people.


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## StarScream35 (Aug 28, 2012)

OP,

I've been in this very same boat many many times. Should I wait and try to meet someone in church or try an online Christian dating site? I've tried both. 

For some odd reason, the churches I ended up attending never had an abundance of men or the men there were there were married, younger or older or just had too many issues. But alas, I stayed and prayed and nothing ever happened. Many people suggested I change churches and attend one with more men. I was hesitant as I did not want that to be my main purpose for attending church. I eventually did that and still nothing so you know what happened.....................mami tried online dating and what a mess. I guess I can just leave it at that cause if I get started, this will turn into a college paper. I personally don't feel like online dating for Christians should be an issue as long as you are seeking Christian online dating services but still prepared with all the mess that comes with online dating. Good luck to you and be careful!


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## Kinkyhairlady (Aug 28, 2012)

Brighteyes35 said:
			
		

> OP,
> 
> I've been in this very same boat many many times. Should I wait and try to meet someone in church or try an online Christian dating site? I've tried both.
> 
> For some odd reason, the churches I ended up attending never had an abundance of men or the men there were there were married, younger or older or just had too many issues. But alas, I stayed and prayed and nothing ever happened. Many people suggested I change churches and attend one with more men. I was hesitant as I did not want that to be my main purpose for attending church. I eventually did that and still nothing so you know what happened.....................mami tried online dating and what a mess. I guess I can just leave it at that cause if I get started, this will turn into a college paper. I personally don't feel like online dating for Christians should be an issue as long as you are seeking Christian online dating services but still prepared with all the mess that comes with online dating. Good luck to you and be careful!



You sound just like me. I've gone to different churches and the only ones I attract are to old or to young or just not my type! The decent looking ones are married. It's frustrating because I don't go to clubs or many social functions often so church would be a good place for my future husband to find me. The online thing is so intimidating and there is so much evil out there. I  feel like God would not want me to expose myself to certain people. Putting my picture up is doing just that, exposing myself. It's a scary feeling. Maybe I'm over thinking it idk.


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## LucieLoo12 (Aug 28, 2012)

I don't agree with the dating online thing . It just seems......worldy. This is my opinion so please dont attack me . When I say wordly I mean it just seems like it's the world's way of doing things. As people of God, we just trust God. We don't put ourself in unsafe positions to get out desires. You have a man sitting behind computer screen trying to impress you. You don't know if that man is a killer, rapist, 700-pds ..it's just too much of liability. You said, I go to church and I don't see anyone. I don't go to clubs or social events, so how am I going to find the one? You are trying to figure this out, and the bible says to Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean NOT to your understanding and he will direct your paths. 

Call me old school, but I don't believe in women pursuing men. God said my price is far above rubies . And a virtuous woman who can find her? I am meant to be sought out. We are treasures and we have to become to a point that we know our worth. I am picky. When I say that I don't mean picky to where I care about the size of thier nose, ears and head. I mean picky to the point where I won't settle for anything. I want a Man of God and that's what I shall get. I want a man with a prayer life, one who is connected to God and loves God more than anything.Not a man sitting behind a computer screen looking for a date/wife, but one that is busy in the things of God. But I have to become that very thing I am asking for. 


So this is not to down you in anway sis. But this is to encourage you, you are a daughter of King, and He shall supply you with everything you have need of.


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## Belle Du Jour (Aug 28, 2012)

I don't think there's anything wrong with it per se and God can bring two people together through this medium.  If it's a Christian site (or even a certain denomination) you can really get to the heart of what someone believes.  I became a believer in online dating after seeing the marriage success stories on one particular website and seeing how faithful these people were.  To me, it's another way to be "out there" for your future spouse to find you.  These days, Christian singles need a lot more help than our grandparents did.


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## Belle Du Jour (Aug 28, 2012)

Shimmie said:


> Now I said, that this is just me.   I mean really, why does a man need a dating sight unless he's lacking something.   I'm not discounting the men who are there, not at all... Well, maybe I did take some points away...
> 
> I dunno, I again have no doubt that God may lead some men there for that's where his future wife is waiting to meet him.     Notice I said, 'some', not all.



Actually, joining one particular site restored my faith in Godly men!  For the first time, I saw men professing their faith, talking about reading scripture, praying, and staying chaste (some even admitted to being virgins)!  Of couse it's the internet, and anyone can say anything which is why you need wisdom.   I think it's possible that _some _men on the internet can't make out in the real world.  Have you seen what's out there?    A Godly man will be repelled by the things of the world, just like we are.  That being said, I've seen some genuine ones on there.  However, the profiles of the ones in their mid-late 40s and 50s who have never been married?  Yeah, they probably have issues.


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Aug 28, 2012)

I feel like online dating creates 'more' of an opportunity for deception, the internet allows the individual to create a fictious person or be the person that they wish they were meanwhile some poor hapless woman/man is buying into a dream...


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## Belle Du Jour (Aug 28, 2012)

LucieLoo12 said:


> Call me old school, but I don't believe in women pursuing men. God said my price is far above rubies . And a virtuous woman who can find her? I am meant to be sought out. We are treasures and we have to become to a point that we know our worth. I am picky. When I say that I don't mean picky to where I care about the size of thier nose, ears and head. I mean picky to the point where I won't settle for anything. I want a Man of God and that's what I shall get. I want a man with a prayer life, one who is connected to God and loves God more than anything.Not a man sitting behind a computer screen looking for a date/wife, but one that is busy in the things of God. But I have to become that very thing I am asking for.



I totally agree and I don't think women should contact men on the internet.  I've tried it exactly 3 times and even though 2/3 ain't bad, I don't intend to do it again.    Online, the man can still "find" you and "pursue."  IMO, it's like going outside your house.  A man can see what you are about and decide to pursue or not.  All that beign said "those who trust in the Lord SHALL NOT be disappointed" which is my new mantra (along with "Jesus I trust in You!").  He can work through Church, school, the internet, the supermarket.  One common denominator I have seen is that it tends to just "happen" when we are gleaning in the fields and minding our own business liek Ruth.


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Aug 28, 2012)

you finding God's match for you,  well at least that what the commercial says and that just dont sound right ...




LucieLoo12 said:


> I don't agree with the dating online thing . It just seems......worldy. This is my opinion so please dont attack me . When I say wordly I mean it just seems like it's the world's way of doing things. As people of God, we just trust God. We don't put ourself in unsafe positions to get out desires. You have a man sitting behind computer screen trying to impress you. You don't know if that man is a killer, rapist, 700-pds ..it's just too much of liability. You said, I go to church and I don't see anyone. I don't go to clubs or social events, so how am I going to find the one? You are trying to figure this out, and the bible says to Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean NOT to your understanding and he will direct your paths.
> 
> Call me old school, but I don't believe in women pursuing men. God said my price is far above rubies . And a virtuous woman who can find her? I am meant to be sought out. We are treasures and we have to become to a point that we know our worth. I am picky. When I say that I don't mean picky to where I care about the size of thier nose, ears and head. I mean picky to the point where I won't settle for anything. I want a Man of God and that's what I shall get. I want a man with a prayer life, one who is connected to God and loves God more than anything.Not a man sitting behind a computer screen looking for a date/wife, but one that is busy in the things of God. But I have to become that very thing I am asking for.
> 
> ...


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## LucieLoo12 (Aug 28, 2012)

But it's not like going out the house or church. You put your profile up on a dating site, that lets men know you came to the website for one reason. You want a date. So that's all they are focusing on when they are chatting on you. To some men, they can even spell desperation and vulnerability. And men prey on stuff like that. I just want my sisters to be safe and not put themselves in any dangerous situations.I love yall 





Belle Du Jour said:


> I totally agree and I don't think women should contact men on the internet. I've tried it exactly 3 times and even though 2/3 ain't bad, I don't intend to do it again.  Online, the man can still "find" you and "pursue." IMO, it's like going outside your house. A man can see what you are about and decide to pursue or not. All that beign said "those who trust in the Lord SHALL NOT be disappointed" which is my new mantra (along with "Jesus I trust in You!"). He can work through Church, school, the internet, the supermarket. One common denominator I have seen is that it tends to just "happen" when we are gleaning in the fields and minding our own business liek Ruth.


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## LucieLoo12 (Aug 28, 2012)

Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> you finding God's match for you,  well at least that what the commercial says and that just dont sound right ...


 


[email protected]Iwanthealthyhair67

One christian dating online site  commercial said "Help God find the match for you". I was the like devil is a liar. God don't need our help. Thats our problem we always want to help God. He created the Heavens and Earth, He know what he doing


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## Kinkyhairlady (Aug 28, 2012)

LucieLoo12 said:
			
		

> I don't agree with the dating online thing . It just seems......worldy. This is my opinion so please dont attack me . When I say wordly I mean it just seems like it's the world's way of doing things. As people of God, we just trust God. We don't put ourself in unsafe positions to get out desires. You have a man sitting behind computer screen trying to impress you. You don't know if that man is a killer, rapist, 700-pds ..it's just too much of liability. You said, I go to church and I don't see anyone. I don't go to clubs or social events, so how am I going to find the one? You are trying to figure this out, and the bible says to Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean NOT to your understanding and he will direct your paths.
> 
> Call me old school, but I don't believe in women pursuing men. God said my price is far above rubies . And a virtuous woman who can find her? I am meant to be sought out. We are treasures and we have to become to a point that we know our worth. I am picky. When I say that I don't mean picky to where I care about the size of thier nose, ears and head. I mean picky to the point where I won't settle for anything. I want a Man of God and that's what I shall get. I want a man with a prayer life, one who is connected to God and loves God more than anything.Not a man sitting behind a computer screen looking for a date/wife, but one that is busy in the things of God. But I have to become that very thing I am asking for.
> 
> So this is not to down you in anway sis. But this is to encourage you, you are a daughter of King, and He shall supply you with everything you have need of.



I totally agree with you. I had posted my pic on POF.com and noticed there were some men on looking for only sec and one had him and his girls pic up looking for a 3 some! I was flabbergasted and quickly took the pic down. Just too much to handle. I was on Christian mingle for like a month and gave up. Those guys are not true Christians I don't think!


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Aug 28, 2012)

I'm trying to gather my thoughts on this whole issue of the un-married christian woman ...

yall dont kill me now...

imo it's a spiritual issue; look at the churches there are more women than men I'd dare say that there are more saved women than there are saved men, the men left their positions, meanwhile God wants to give us husbands but there aren't that many out there and since he doesn't force himself on folk our waiting time is going to be long in some cases many of us wont get married...

but did we cause this, from the beginning in the garden and later with women's liberation ....

excuse my ramblings but consider it, sorry OP not trying to hi-jack your thread...

Shimmie what do you think?


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## Shimmie (Aug 28, 2012)

nicola.kirwan said:


> Aww...don't give them too much of a side eye, lol.  I really think that some men who would make perfectly good husbands experience frustration in dating.  They may be able to get dates but can't find what they want (some don't know where to look), and others for some reason, just might not be able to find dates with women they really click with.  I also think that some just view it as another way to meet people you wouldn't normally be exposed to irl.
> 
> Regarding the op, IMO, internet dating is not itself godly or ungodly.  It's just a venue for being introduced to people.



Shimmie bows her head in shame... :blush3:  

nicola.kirwan... you're right.  Reading your post makes more sense than my perception.  It really does.   Thanks for giving me a 'gentle' nudge in the right perspective.   :Rose:


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## Shimmie (Aug 28, 2012)

Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> I'm trying to gather my thoughts on this whole issue of the un-married christian woman ...
> 
> yall dont kill me now...
> 
> ...



  The most dangerous question to ask in this forum is:  

'Shimmie what do you think'..... ?  

It's just too loaded...  

Truthfully, I am a hopeless 'Romantic' and I see everyone woman who wants to be married to have her Dreams fulfilled.    

One of the reasons is because just about everyone that I've prayed for, gets married.  

I'm not saying that I have any powers to bring this about.   Not at all   I could never shadow God's glory.    It's just that I believe so strongly in marriage between a man and a woman, that it just seems to happen to those around me.  Most of my family are married.  Most of my friends are married.   My first marriage didn't work out, but my 2nd one will.   

I've learned not to 'limit' God and He has yet to fail my expectations.  

This could be why I'm so protective of marriage when I fight so hard against the invasion of gay marriage.  I love what marriage is supposed to be which is between a man and a woman, no in between's or etc.'s.  It's man and wife, for eternal life.   

I love what Belle Du Jour, Galadriel and nicola.kirwan shared in the 'chicken thread', about marriage.   It pierced my heart.  Now even more, I'm protecting marriage and praying for as many people as I can... to be married... happily marriage in Jesus' Name.   

I told you that was a 'loaded question'.     

I love you Iwanthealthhair67    You are my sister indeed.  :Rose:


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## Laela (Aug 28, 2012)

Frankly, what's the difference between being 'deceived' by a church deacon one meets with and goes to church with, and a church deacon one happen to have met online?   






Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> I feel like online dating creates 'more' of an opportunity for deception, the internet allows the individual to create a fictious person or be the person that they wish they were meanwhile some poor hapless woman/man is buying into a dream...


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## LucieLoo12 (Aug 28, 2012)

Can I answer this please?  I know it wasn't directed to me.


Ok, so when you are on a dating site, you are advertising "I want a date". So this man is mostly like fronting, tell you all the things that you want to hear to impress you because he already knows what you are looking for.


But at church, you are able to learn a person better when they don't think you are trying to date them. In better words, you learn more about a person from afar than all in their face. You can see whether or not this brother is always late to church, if he sleeping in church, if he always looking at the sister's booty when they walk by. Is he active in ministry? How does he treat the members in the church? Do he even go to church? Is he active in the ministry? Does he have a wife already ?


Laela

You don't have to decipher through so much when actually know the person in some way. But the online thing just seems........scary. Now we know there is always a chance of a guy being trifling in real life or on the net, but your chances are lower with someone you may know at church.



Laela said:


> Frankly, what's the difference between being 'deceived' by a church deacon one meets with and goes to church with, and a church deacon one happen to have met online?


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## Laela (Aug 28, 2012)

Well, say you met said brother online and both of you now go to each other's churches now... so wouldn't the same opportunity to check him out in person apply? I guess that was my point...post-screening, meeting in person. At some point they have to meet and spend time. Or are we talking about "online dating" only via Innanet and email, with no meeting face to face .? then that's just plumb crazy...  Even with long distance, wouldn't the seriousness apply as to one's expectations? 

Maybe I'm not understanding...there seems to be a stigma attached to online dating for some Christians that seems well "ungodly" but I'm not so much sold on this. God always will be God and the same discernment we have dealing with people offline, we should have online, no.. esp concerning one's own safety. A person seriusly looking for a mate won't waste time with games, online or offline....




LucieLoo12 said:


> C
> 
> But at church, you are able to learn a person better when they don't think you are trying to date them. In better words, you learn more about a person from afar than all in their face. You can see whether or not this brother is always late to church, if he sleeping in church, if he always looking at the sister's booty when they walk by. Is he active in ministry? How does he treat the members in the church? Do he even go to church? Is he active in the ministry? Does he have a wife already ?


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Aug 28, 2012)

um, nothing all is deception ...I believe that some people think that they have more freedom to do whatever because they are on the net, that's all 



Laela said:


> Frankly, what's the difference between being 'deceived' by a church deacon one meets with and goes to church with, and a church deacon one happen to have met online?


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## LoveisYou (Aug 28, 2012)

Philippians 4:6 - "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God."

Online dating itself isn't bad, like anything else it's as good (or as bad) as the people who use it. I believe there's a way to prayerfully date online. Bring God in the middle of it, you can  use your profile to reflect your personal relationship with Christ. Pray and ask God to protect you from counterfeits online and in real life(believe me He will, the past 2 years are a testimony to that specific request in my life). 

Further, I think it's dangerous to assign particular character traits to men who create online dating profiles. We shall know them by their fruit not a dating profile

I see online dating as a form of positioning.


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## LucieLoo12 (Aug 28, 2012)

I guess my point is, why would you even be searching online?

Online dating is meeting someone online so yall can go on a date.

But to answer the question, if I did meet a brother online and we go to the same church now, he would know I was interested in him, so he would have his "best foot forward". He about to be real spiritual now, because he know I am looking .

I never stated it was sin/ungodly...but I can't say that it is godly either. It's one of those "lawful but not expedient" things.

And thats the thing. You may be seriously looking but it's alot of guys that prey on women on the Christian websites..



Laela said:


> Well, say you met said brother online and both of you now go to each other's churches now... so wouldn't the same opportunity to check him out in person apply? I guess that was my point...post-screening, meeting in person. At some point they have to meet and spend time. Or are we talking about "online dating" only via Innanet and email, with no meeting face to face .? then that's just plumb crazy...  Even with long distance, wouldn't the seriousness apply as to one's expectations?
> 
> Maybe I'm not understanding...there seems to be a stigma attached to online dating for some Christians that seems well "ungodly" but I'm not so much sold on this. God always will be God and the same discernment we have dealing with people offline, we should have online, no.. esp concerning one's own safety. A person seriusly looking for a mate won't waste time with games, online or offline....


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## LoveisYou (Aug 28, 2012)

LucieLoo12 said:


> I guess my point is, why would you even be searching online?
> 
> Online dating is meeting someone online so yall can go on a date.
> 
> ...



Unfortunately they're in the church too, pray or wisdom and discernment.


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Aug 28, 2012)

I respect your opinion so I'm always interested in what you will share on certain topics...

like you marriages are also near and dear to my heart...I don't believe in limiting God either but the reality is not all who desire to be married will get married ...

at the bolded, I second that ...




Shimmie said:


> The most dangerous question to ask in this forum is:
> 
> 'Shimmie what do you think'..... ?
> 
> ...


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## LucieLoo12 (Aug 28, 2012)

LoveisYou said:


> Unfortunately they're in the church too, pray or wisdom and discernment.


 
Yall not getting what I am saying . I said earlier that it lowers your chances of danger or meeting rascals alot by not doing it online. I totally agree, bad men are everywhere in the church, online, everywhere. But when you go online you open yourself up to much more danger because you are setting something up with someone you can't even see. Yea, you see a picture, but is that really him? You find yourself been interested in someone you don't even see.


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## LoveisYou (Aug 28, 2012)

LucieLoo12 said:


> *Yall not getting what I am saying* . I said earlier that it lowers your chances of danger or meeting rascals alot by not doing it online. I totally agree, bad men are everywhere in the church, online, everywhere. But when you go online you open yourself up to much more danger because you are setting something up with someone you can't even see. Yea, you see a picture, but is that really him? You find yourself been interested in someone you don't even see.



I got what you said (and I'm sure everyone else did too, we're not daft), there's no need for that, I simply made my own point....thanks!


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## LucieLoo12 (Aug 28, 2012)

LoveisYou said:


> I got what you said (and I'm sure everyone else did too we're not daft), there's no need for that, I simply made my own point....thanks!


 

I said that because posters keep saying, that it could happen in the church. No need to take offense sis, did not mean anything by it.


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## LoveisYou (Aug 28, 2012)

LucieLoo12 said:


> I said that because posters keep saying, that it could happen in the church. No need to take offense sis, did not mean anything by it.



You quoted my post and I responded, I didn't "get" the use of the look smiley in your response to me, I thought it was unnecessary. We understand what you're saying, it's pretty clear, but we're RESPONDING to you, which is fair. Whether or not it's more likely to happen online or in real life, we are respectfully stating that it also happens in the church.


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## LucieLoo12 (Aug 28, 2012)

LoveisYou said:


> You quoted my post and I responded, I didn't "get" the use of the look smiley in your response to me, I thought it was unnecessary. We understand what you're saying, it's pretty clear, but we're RESPONDING to you, which is fair. Whether or not it's more likely to happen online or in real life, we are respectfully stating that it also happens in the church.


 

Sis. I only used the smiley because I know how things can be misunderstood online. I used the smiley so yall would know when I said "Yall dont get what I am saying" wasnt not being said with an attitude. Nothing more or nothing less.


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Aug 28, 2012)

It would seem that you have to be 'extra' precautious, more precautious than just the one on one, face to face date ... 



LucieLoo12 said:


> Yall not getting what I am saying . I said earlier that it lowers your chances of danger or meeting rascals alot by not doing it online. I totally agree, bad men are everywhere in the church, online, everywhere. *But when you go online you open yourself up to much more danger because you are setting something up with someone you can't even see. Yea, you see a picture, but is that really him? You find yourself been interested in someone you don't even see*.


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## LucieLoo12 (Aug 28, 2012)

Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> It would seem that you have to be 'extra' precautious, more precautious than just the one on one, face to face date ...


 

Yes it would seem.........but many are not. Some people are too trusting of complete strangers. They say a few "sweet" things and they let their guard down.


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## LoveisYou (Aug 28, 2012)

LucieLoo12 said:


> Sis. I only used the smiley because I know how things can be misunderstood online. I used the smiley so yall would know when I said "Yall dont get what I am saying" wasnt not being said with an attitude. Nothing more or nothing less.



Ok, well I'm glad we seem to understand each other now.


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## Belle Du Jour (Aug 28, 2012)

Shimmie said:


> The most dangerous question to ask in this forum is:
> 
> 'Shimmie what do you think'..... ?
> 
> ...



 at the first statement.

Add me to the prayer list to the second 

#noshameinmyprayergame


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## LucieLoo12 (Aug 28, 2012)

Shimmie said:


> One of the reasons is because just about everyone that I've prayed for, gets married.


Shimmie


I better not see you on TV trying to sell your miracle marriage prayers along with the others who sell miracle cloths, miracle rocks, slippers ...




j.k..


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## StarScream35 (Aug 28, 2012)

Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> I'm trying to gather my thoughts on this whole issue of the un-married christian woman ...
> 
> yall dont kill me now...
> 
> ...



I won't kill ya!  I actually agree with you. You spoke the harsh truth that many do not want to address~~~the fact that there are more women in the church than men, especially in black churches. Truth be told, many of us will never get married because there just aren't that many saved men out there. If you would have told me this when I was a teen or in my 20's, I would have rolled my eyes at you. Now I'm in my 30's and see the reality of it all. Most churches are filled with beautiful, God fearing sistas all looking for the same thing but it just isn't there. I even tried my hand at attending white churches but I found that white men in the south were not receptive to dating black women. Same thing out here in the Midwest. I agree with you about women's liberation movement. Boy did that mess us up! 

I wish things were different. This singleness is hitting me hard as I'm nearing the end of child bearing age and having many nights of sitting alone with nobody to love or love me. It gets depressing. Is it a spiritual battle? Maybe.............but something tells me it wasn't suppose to be like this. God never intended for it to be like this but people have the right to free will so there you go.


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Aug 28, 2012)

^^ you left out the miracle oil and miracle water 

I could use some of that miracle oil for my temples


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## StarScream35 (Aug 28, 2012)

Kinkyhairlady said:


> You sound just like me. I've gone to different churches and the only ones I attract are to old or to young or just not my type! The decent looking ones are married. It's frustrating because I don't go to clubs or many social functions often so church would be a good place for my future husband to find me. The online thing is so intimidating and there is so much evil out there. I  feel like God would not want me to expose myself to certain people. Putting my picture up is doing just that, exposing myself. It's a scary feeling. Maybe I'm over thinking it idk.



We must be kindred spirits because I've never been one to club and quite frankly never understood why people liked them. All that loud music and having to scream to talk to someone............hated it! Also hated losing my voice my the end of the night. Social functions are nerve racking because you have to put yourself out there to too many people. I'm better one on one with people and prefer intimate settings. I wish I could offer you some decent advice but here I am in my 30's sitting at home alone most nights. All of my college girlfriends, who are mostly white and Asian are all married with children. I couldn't even begin to tell you what that was like. My two black girlfriends all took to moving out to Dallas and DC to find men and still are single like myself.


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## Shimmie (Aug 28, 2012)

Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> I respect your opinion so I'm always interested in what you will share on certain topics...
> 
> like you marriages are also near and dear to my heart...I don't believe in limiting God either but the reality is not all who desire to be married will get married ...
> 
> at the bolded, I second that ...



I hear you and I have a 'gift' for you...

"Though a thousand may fall by my side; ten thousand by my right hand, it will not come nigh me...."   

You already know where this scripture is located, God knows you have some powerful prayers...  

It can be a thousand to ten thousand unmarried women as close as your right hand,  HOWEVER...... their singlehood shall not come nigh thee.    

Just say 'Amen'...


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Aug 28, 2012)

Shimmie in my Bahamian vernacular ; 'amen gal, I receive that' (that's a little more than amen)





Shimmie said:


> I hear you and I have a 'gift' for you...
> 
> "Though a thousand may fall by my side; ten thousand by my right hand, it will not come nigh me...."
> 
> ...


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## Shimmie (Aug 28, 2012)

LucieLoo12 said:


> Shimmie
> 
> 
> I better not see you on TV trying to sell your miracle marriage prayers along with the others who sell miracle cloths, miracle rocks, slippers ...
> ...



  

I can't stop laughing at this...  my stomach hurts...    

Girl this is funny...   

All I have is scripture and prayer and faith.   

If God says, it's not good for man to be alone, then there's marriage.  Even if it means going outside of your race...get married and be happy.   :reddancer:

In Jesus' Name, everyone reading this shall be married... Praise God!  Happily Married.    The Blood Covenant of Jesus, seals it.   

I'm not playing games.  I don't want anyone's money.   Just be happy and get married.   Thank God for removing the blocks and hindrances; removing all counterfeits from your paths.   In Jesus' Name, Amen.


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## Shimmie (Aug 28, 2012)

Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> Shimmie in my Bahamian vernacular ; 'amen gal, I receive that' (that's a little more than amen)



I'm serious... God did not say 'Be ye' single for life.'    He said be fruitful and multiply; He also said that two are better than one.  He said go out, two by two... God filled the ark with couples .. Male and Female.   

I'm just sayin'... God ain't playin'...  

I told you asking Shimmie what she thinks is LOADED, but with the Word of God...


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Aug 28, 2012)

I'll be forty-five in days, I aint trying to multiply nothing without my calculator ...




Shimmie said:


> I'm serious... God did not say 'Be ye' single for life.' *He said be fruitful and multiply;* He also said that two are better than one. He said go out, two by two... God filled the ark with couples .. Male and Female.
> 
> I'm just sayin'... God ain't playin'...
> 
> I told you asking Shimmie what she thinks is LOADED, but with the Word of God...


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## Laela (Aug 28, 2012)

^^


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## Laela (Aug 28, 2012)

oh, I see... well, my response had everything to do with *the heart*, not the ways in which we meet people or seek friendships, etc... someone with game or bad intentions will have it both on/offline.

oh well I'll leave that all alone.  



LucieLoo12 said:


> I guess my point is, why would you even be searching online?
> 
> Online dating is meeting someone online so yall can go on a date.
> 
> ...


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Aug 28, 2012)

^^and you know what the good book says about the heart of a man (including women)


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## naturalgyrl5199 (Aug 28, 2012)

You had me at "I feel like does not want me to go this route."

Is not a "feeling" hun. Its a command.

You will be alright. Keep praying. Let God guide you.

But to be clear...I don't see anything inherently wrong with online dating. But you have to listen for what God has for YOUR LIFE.


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## Shimmie (Aug 28, 2012)

Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> I'll be forty-five in days, I aint trying to multiply nothing without my calculator ...





Laela said:


> ^^



Oooooooooooo wweeeeeeeeeeee...     

Me neither... I've been praying for menopause to do it's thing, but it won't.


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## Shimmie (Aug 28, 2012)

Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> Shimmie in my Bahamian vernacular ; 'amen gal, I receive that' (that's a little more than amen)



Amein... and Amein...  Laela's version.    

I've learned something in my years of learning... 

Stop hanging out with *"ALL"* 'singles'... it's depressing.  The conversations become a negative confession.   Most of my closest friends are married couples and it 'rubs off'.   

Couples are great 'match makers'; they know what makes a good mate and they are always trying to hook up singles.   It's just their nature; they want everyone to be like them... another married couple to hang out with.   And the more a couple likes you, the more they will put into finding the right husband (or it's a guy, the right wife).    

I've noticed this a lot...  

Scripture:

_"Every seed produces after it's own kind..."_

Single people cannot produce... Married people can.  They love 'creating' (match making) more married couples.   

I'm not saying that a single person should 'discard' they single friends.   We still need them in our lives;  but don't adopt the mindset of a single.   Develop the mindset of a married person, which is the seed which will produce after its self, the very same.

Hope this makes sense...   



ETA:  Made a correction above in *'dark red'*.


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## MrsHaseeb (Aug 28, 2012)

Shimmie said:
			
		

> Amein... and Amein...  Laela's version.
> 
> I've learned something in my years of learning...
> 
> ...



Makes perfect sense to me. My church is huge on family. In fact, when offering time comes, its so inspiring to see how the married couples go around holding hands as they give. It really changed my mind about marriage to see how these men treat their wives. I chose to keep thinking thoughts of that and believe that God can bless me with the same thing these couples have. All of them have been married many years. I guess that's where my hopefulness comes from. The church I grew up in was one of those with very few men. And of the couples that were there I never saw the level of (godly) affection between them I see at my current church. I suppose that's why many women lose hope and never marry. God still sits on the throne and I just won't accept the idea that I'm doomed to be single the rest of my life when God promised me the desires of MY heart. What we accept to be true is what our experience will be. If we accept the idea of a man shortage we will have that experience.

Sent from my 4G HTC Thunderbolt using LHCF


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## Shimmie (Aug 28, 2012)

MrsHaseeb said:


> Makes perfect sense to me. My church is huge on family. In fact, when offering time comes, its so inspiring to see how the married couples go around holding hands as they give. It really changed my mind about marriage to see how these men treat their wives. I chose to keep thinking thoughts of that and believe that God can bless me with the same thing these couples have. All of them have been married many years. I guess that's where my hopefulness comes from.
> 
> The church I grew up in was one of those with very few men. And of the couples that were there I never saw the level of (godly) affection between them I see at my current church. I suppose that's why many women lose hope and never marry.
> 
> ...



Praise God...

I know first hand, this is true...and it's never too late; not with God.  It's truly is never too late for love and marriage to enter a person's life.


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## Belle Du Jour (Aug 29, 2012)

Shimmie said:


> Stop hanging out with 'singles'... it's depressing.  The conversations become a negative confession.   Most of my closest friends are married couples and it 'rubs off'.
> 
> Couples are great 'match makers'; they know what makes a good mate and they are always trying to hook up singles.



I think there is definitely truth to that   As far as hanging out with singles, unless it's a mixed-crowd or each singel is bringing a friend of the opposite gender to "share" with everyone else   then it can be self-perpetuating.


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## Belle Du Jour (Aug 29, 2012)

Here is a good article I read about a girl who was in a podunk town (right where God wanted her) and God brought her husband into her life evn though everyone told her to move to a bigger city for better prospects: http://www.altcatholicah.com/altcatol/a/b/rsa/4453/ God knew her husband was there all along.

Also, this story is from the famous Ludy couple.  Leslie tells the story of her sister in law who never had a boyfriend until she met and married her husband at age 34!
http://www.startmarriageright.com/2011/10/today-i-am/
http://www.setapartgirl.com/mymessage-krissysstory.html


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## Shimmie (Aug 29, 2012)

Belle Du Jour said:


> Here is a good article I read about a girl who was in a podunk town (right where God wanted her) and God brought her husband into her life evn though everyone told her to move to a bigger city for better prospects: http://www.altcatholicah.com/altcatol/a/b/rsa/4453/ God knew her husband was there all along.
> 
> Also, this story is from the famous Ludy couple.  Leslie tells the story of her sister in law who never had a boyfriend until she met and married her husband at age 34!
> http://www.startmarriageright.com/2011/10/today-i-am/
> http://www.setapartgirl.com/mymessage-krissysstory.html



These are beautiful testimonies.   It's never too late, nor is it impossible to be married....and *happily *married to the right one.  

Thanks, Lady Belle


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## Shimmie (Aug 29, 2012)

To Encourage Everyone Further...

Some Encouraging Notes on Marriage to Hold Dear in One's Heart:

:Rose:  God is all for Marriage, it was His sole reason for creating Eve for Adam... which was to be married.   

:Rose:  God created just 'one' wife for Adam.  Not two or three or four or more...just one.   There is no polygamy in God's plan for Marriage.    God never said, 'cleave unto your wives (or husbands), but to 'cleave unto your wife'.   

:Rose:  None of you have to worry about 'sharing' your husbands...to prove it further, God said, 'Thou shalt not commit adultery'... meaning no one other than your husband or wife is one to be with.  

:Rose:  This is to encourage everyone that you do not have to 'settle' for the foolishness of current society with their redefinements.  They have the mindsets of siippery soap...always sliding off course. 

*Disclaimer:*

For the sake of those in the _'evolved'_ mindset...  

Marriage is not 'Genderless'.  Marriage is between One Man and One Woman.     

Sadly we are in an era where we 'now' have to emphasize this regarding Marriage when it is spoken of.   It has to be clarified that it is between a Man and a Woman, especially to our children.


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## Shimmie (Aug 29, 2012)

Belle Du Jour said:


> I think there is definitely truth to that   As far as hanging out with singles, unless it's a mixed-crowd or each singel is bringing a friend of the opposite gender to "share" with everyone else   then it can be self-perpetuating.



You put this so gently.   I was way too blunt up post and I have to correct a typo.   It should have read, 'Stop hanging out with *'ALL*' 'singles'... it's depressing."  

Thank you for responding with such soft clarity.   We need both 'sets' in our lives.  I just don't see it as healthy for a single person to be with solely single groups of people.   Having married friends, changes that immensely.


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## loolalooh (Aug 29, 2012)

Belle Du Jour said:


> Here is a good article I read about a girl who was in a podunk town (right where God wanted her) and *God brought her husband into her life evn though everyone told her to move to a bigger city* *for better prospects: *http://www.altcatholicah.com/altcatol/a/b/rsa/4453/ God knew her husband was there all along.



I needed this post because I live in a "podunk" town and will be stuck here for the next two years.  The pool of men here is just SAD. 

Off to read ...


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## loolalooh (Aug 29, 2012)

I've been reserving my comment about "Christianity and online dating".  Everytime I've tried online dating, I felt convicted against it.  I felt like I was going against my inner spirit.  

This is not to say that it is a sin.  I would have to meditate on that and get back to you, but I'm sure the ladies in here have already answered the question thoroughly.  I just know that it is not God's plan for _me_, and the few times I have tried it have kind of confirmed that.


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## MrsHaseeb (Aug 29, 2012)

loolalooh said:
			
		

> I've been reserving my comment about "Christianity and online dating".  Everytime I've tried online dating, I felt convicted against it.  I felt like I was going against my inner spirit.
> 
> This is not to say that it is a sin.  I would have to meditate on that and get back to you, but I'm sure the ladies in here have already answered the question thoroughly.  I just know that it is not God's plan for me, and the few times I have tried it have kind of confirmed that.



I like the way you put this. I agree 100%.

Sent from my 4G HTC Thunderbolt using LHCF


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## Sarophina (Aug 29, 2012)

Belle Du Jour said:


> Also, this story is from the famous Ludy couple.  Leslie tells the story of her sister in law who never had a boyfriend until she met and married her husband at age 34!
> http://www.startmarriageright.com/2011/10/today-i-am/
> http://www.setapartgirl.com/mymessage-krissysstory.html




I remember this story in Leslie (Ludy's) book Set apart femininity.  Her story definitely inspires me to wait and not try to make anything happen!


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## CoilyFields (Aug 30, 2012)

Kinkyhairlady said:


> What are your views on this? I've been going back and forth on if I should get serious about finding a mate and nonlinear dating is one option. My issue is that I feel God may not want me to take this route. I'm just confused and wanted to hear from some of you on your thoughts on this.


 
Disclaimer: Dont do anything you believe to be a sin or are uncomfortable with.

With that said I am of the opinion that there isn't anything inherently godly or ungodly about online dating. I dont see it as any more dangerous than going out on a date with a stranger (which is normally how it happens...exchange numbers, a few phone calls, then a date). I'm not advocating having secret internet lives where you've never met the person in real life but claim you're in a relationship. THe internet it the initial point of contact.

I also have to interject that we cannot discount the adverse social environment we as black women are operating within. When sin entered the earth...it caused all kinds of destruction and havoc and everyone felt those consequences. And guess what? God allows sin and the god of this world to reign on the just as well as the unjust. God doesn't always shield us from consequences of sin (ours nor others). If that were so then no innocent child would be raped, no innocent bystander would be killed, no believer would ever suffer discrimination... So we cannot discount the FACT that there is an overabundance of marraigeable black women...but not nearly the same abundance of marriageable black men (especially not when a large portion of men of marriageable age are in prison). I'm not the only one that can count on one hand the number of black men I know that I would recommend to a friend but can count on all my fingers and toes the number of black women I would recommend.

Now I said all that not to dissaude people from having faith in God for a mate. But just so we see the reality that sin has caused and know that there will be casualties of this war so it is to our advantage to "position" ourselves in ways that mitigate those circumstances. (And of COURSE always remembering that no matter the circumstances that sin has caused, Gods grace is sufficient for us). Its like needing a job. There is a scarcity of jobs in this economy-nothing of your own doing but a reality nontheless-but none of us would sit at home or go about our normal day and pray that a job will materialize. Is it possible to get a call out of the blue with someone offering you a job? Yes. But most of us would get out and position ourselves as best as we can-filling out applications, networking etc. and trusting God to add the increase, give direction and open doors. I don't believe we should "pursue" men...I think God has placed something in their nature that causes them to need to be the pursuer. But I do believe in making oursleves available. 

...Says the woman who met her husband at church lol. (But he was one of two available/acceptable men in a medium sized church so the other 20 available women had to look elsewhere)


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## StarScream35 (Aug 30, 2012)

There are lots of posts including my own which talks about how there is a shortage of Christian men for Christian women in the black communities and I'm wondering what will this mean for future generations? Often times people don't like to jump way in the future but I'm one of those that do. There have been so many social changes that has affected the church in many negative ways that I wonder if this will have a negative affect somehow. I'm wondering if more black Christian women will be okay with pairing themselves up with Muslims, Buddhists, Atheists, Hindus etc in an effort to find men? I know this may be an extreme view but nobody thought homosexuality would be affecting the church either.


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## loolalooh (Aug 30, 2012)

Brighteyes35 said:


> There are lots of posts including my own which talks about how there is a shortage of Christian men for Christian women in the black communities and I'm wondering what will this mean for future generations? Often times people don't like to jump way in the future but I'm one of those that do. There have been so many social changes that has affected the church in many negative ways that I wonder if this will have a negative affect somehow. I'm wondering if more black Christian women will be okay with pairing themselves up with Muslims, Buddhists, Atheists, Hindus etc in an effort to find men? I know this may be an extreme view but nobody thought homosexuality would be affecting the church either.



This is a really good discussion, ladies.

To the quoted, I'm not going to lie, what you've said pretty much sums up what we are "seeing" in this society ... at least on the surface.  But, at the risk of me sounding naive or optimistic or, in spiritual terms, faithful, maybe what we are seeing are lies or an exaggeration.  I had to think about it: How many black Christian women in their 30s do I know who are currently single?  A lot.  How about in their 40s?  A lot but less.  How about in their 50s?  Even less.

So, the question is, are we seeing the effects as described in the quote (shortage of Christian men leading to fewer marriages or even unequally yoked marriages)?  or are we just getting married later in life?  Maybe the truth will come in the next few generations.  I'm hoping that in spite of the sin in this world, God's gift of marriage is still thriving.  I just refuse to believe that the many of us who have this desire will never be married.  I mean, why would He allow such a desire to remain in us if He did not put it there (this is assuming we are our A game in our spiritual walk)?

P.S. If my post comes off rude, forgive me.  I'm trying to paint a tone of curiosity and it's more frustration at the situation among single Christian women (especially black) than you or any other poster here.


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## MrsHaseeb (Aug 30, 2012)

loolalooh said:
			
		

> This is a really good discussion, ladies.
> 
> To the quoted, I'm not going to lie, what you've said pretty much sums up what we are "seeing" in this society ... at least on the surface.  But, at the risk of me sounding naive or optimistic or, in spiritual terms, faithful, maybe what we are seeing are lies or an exaggeration.  I had to think about it: How many black Christian women in their 30s do I know who are currently single?  A lot.  How about in their 40s?  A lot but less.  How about in their 50s?  Even less.
> 
> ...



Dont worry.  Not rude at all. I understand totally.

Sent from my 4G HTC Thunderbolt using LHCF


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Aug 30, 2012)

at the bolded :  or is our unwillingness to accept that we all wont be married is why the desire remains?

just curious



loolalooh said:


> This is a really good discussion, ladies.
> 
> To the quoted, I'm not going to lie, what you've said pretty much sums up what we are "seeing" in this society ... at least on the surface. But, at the risk of me sounding naive or optimistic or, in spiritual terms, faithful, maybe what we are seeing are lies or an exaggeration. I had to think about it: How many black Christian women in their 30s do I know who are currently single? A lot. How about in their 40s? A lot but less. How about in their 50s? Even less.
> 
> ...


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## StarScream35 (Aug 30, 2012)

loolalooh said:


> This is a really good discussion, ladies.
> 
> To the quoted, I'm not going to lie, what you've said pretty much sums up what we are "seeing" in this society ... at least on the surface. But, at the risk of me sounding naive or optimistic or, in spiritual terms, faithful, maybe what we are seeing are lies or an exaggeration. I had to think about it: How many black Christian women in their 30s do I know who are currently single? A lot. How about in their 40s? A lot but less. How about in their 50s? Even less.
> 
> ...


 
You didn't come off rude at all. In fact you sound like me when I'm curious about something. It really is a difficult topic to tackle with so many different answers. I would like to think it's because people are getting married at an older age but when I look around at my surroundings and society, things look a little different. Most of my college friends were white or Asian.....they are all married with children. (Same holds true for my coworkers). My three black friends are single just like me. Though we try to be encouraging to one another, the frustration and worries manifest themselves anyway. One of them told me how she joined a church after moving from a different state only to be treated kinda odd because she was 40, single and no kids. At around the same time a single mother joined and was greated with open arms. I knew exactly how she felt cause I have been treated this way as well. I even had church members ask me did I want kids. I was like........got to find the husband first! Most would respond with the you better hurry up cause you running out of time. Girl, no words can explain how this makes you feel hearing someone say this, especially in the church family. I've had some even tell me, you don't really need a man. So let me get this right, it's okay to be a single mother but being older and single, with no kids and never married makes you a side show freak?

Me and my three sista girls eventually all ended up on the wrong path because the desires and pressures were just too much. I went on and got into sin with the wrong guy. My other friend hit rock bottom, suicidal depression which led her to be fired from a job. The other one is simply in the world and messing with every Marquis, Jamal and Mario, and one got married and divorced all within 2 years. I can see where we might be judged by this but boy, you gotta live it first. We never would have thought we would have ended up like this!


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## loolalooh (Aug 30, 2012)

Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> at the bolded :  or is our unwillingness to accept that we all wont be married is why the desire remains?
> 
> just curious



Good question.  

I just keep on thinking about Psalm 37:4 and Matthew 7:7, especially Psalm 37:4.  If we are truly grounded in the Lord, walk closely with Him, are renewing our mind ... and this desire for marriage exists in the midst of all of that, then it has to be of Him, right?  And if it is of Him, He will grant it, right?  But if the desire exists because of mere loneliness, selfishness, dependency issues, or, essentially, because of emotion or the flesh or a necessity to gratify the "self", then chances are, He won't fulfill it.  I guess it comes down to "why is the desire there?" .... because He put it there or because "we" put it there?  And I guess the answer depends on our walk.  

But, then again, there is so much sin and mess in the world, that my view could be too black and white for a world that is so gray.

Good question and something to chew on.


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## StarScream35 (Aug 30, 2012)

loolalooh

I just wanna say, don't let what I'm saying discourage you because often times it's people like you who encourages people like me! I can tell you are on fire. Keep it that way. But also, don't turn a blind eye to people like me. I think this is why so many issues go untackled in the church because people turn a blind eye to things they don't really wanna see or address. This is unfortunate because I'm sure had I and many others been ministered to, we would have made different choices. Sometimes it's those few forgotten ones, that need ministering to the most. Stay strong sista and if you find that you aren't being ministered to anymore, girl ask for help, talk to your pastors wife, the church elders, write to different ministries, pray, pray, pray, pray, get rid of cable, take cold showers if desires become too much, don't keep any male company around even if they are Christian, if friends around you get married and you find yourself alone, join meetup.com and make some new single friends, do something interesting like learn how to knit, work is a tough area but try to keep to yourself but without seeming stuck up.   I wish I had someone tell me this so hopefully what I'm saying helps.


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## StarScream35 (Aug 30, 2012)

Double post...................................sorry


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## LucieLoo12 (Aug 30, 2012)

Brighteyes35 said:


> There are lots of posts including my own which talks about how there is a shortage of Christian men for Christian women in the black communities and I'm wondering what will this mean for future generations? Often times people don't like to jump way in the future but I'm one of those that do. There have been so many social changes that has affected the church in many negative ways that I wonder if this will have a negative affect somehow. *I'm wondering if more black Christian women will be okay with pairing themselves up with Muslims, Buddhists, Atheists, Hindus etc in an effort to find men?* I know this may be an extreme view but nobody thought homosexuality would be affecting the church either.


 

I pray that this don't happen, because that is really showing no trust in God. That is like saying "Im going to marry who ever because God not going to give me a Christian man"


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## loolalooh (Aug 30, 2012)

Brighteyes35 said:


> loolalooh
> 
> I just wanna say, don't let what I'm saying discourage you because often times it's people like you who encourages people like me! I can tell you are on fire. Keep it that way. But also, don't turn a blind eye to people like me. I think this is why so many issues go untackled in the church because people turn a blind eye to things they don't really wanna see or address. This is unfortunate because I'm sure had I and many others been ministered to, we would have made different choices. Sometimes it's those few forgotten ones, that need ministering to the most. Stay strong sista and if you find that you aren't being ministered to anymore, girl ask for help, talk to your pastors wife, the church elders, write to different ministries, pray, pray, pray, pray, get rid of cable, take cold showers if desires become too much, don't keep any male company around even if they are Christian, if friends around you get married and you find yourself alone, join meetup.com and make some new single friends, do something interesting like learn how to knit, work is a tough area but try to keep to yourself but without seeming stuck up.   I wish I had someone tell me this so hopefully what I'm saying helps.



Thanks, Brighteyes35!  No worries.  I really do appreciate your (and everyone's) perspectives on this topic.  You're right in that we shouldn't turn a blind eye.  

This fire only recently came on again after cutting ties with yet _another_ man who was deadweight spiritually.  I had a period when I slipped into the opposite direction, but yesterday, in the middle of my tears, I just started praying and then reading Heather's blog and then reading a Christian book on dating.  The fire will stay on this time.

I want to believe that every single Christian woman who has a God-given (and not self-driven) desire for marriage _will_ be married, but only God knows.  I do know that I've been like Israel in the wilderness in that I've been delaying this gift by entertaining "randoms" (as Heather puts it).  I also know, that as I am now, I would make a "decent" wife, but decent isn't good enough; I need to learn how to truly "love" like Christ before I am capable of loving my future husband.  (It was last night that I discovered that my "love" mimics more of the worldly definition than Christ's.)  Then there is the other case, like my unmarried 26-year-old sister, who is _much_ more grounded than me spiritually, still a virgin, never dated, but also desires marriage.  With her, it is not necessarily about growing more spiritually or learning how to "love" prior to meeting her future husband; I sense it is more about completing some of her work for Christ as a single before devoting some of that time to a marriage.  (He's using her a LOT in her singleness.)  

I want to believe that if each of us can dig down deep, we can each learn why it is that God is keeping us single for now (whether it be for purging or for His service or something else).  But I'll pray that He holds to His promise in Psalm 37:4 for each of us.  

Thanks for the encouragement in this post.   Please don't stop sharing your thoughts, though.  Again, I really do appreciate everyone's perspectives.


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## CoilyFields (Aug 30, 2012)

Iwanthealthyhair67 said:


> at the bolded : or is our unwillingness to accept that we all wont be married is why the desire remains?
> 
> just curious


 
This is kind of what I was trying to get at. Everyone that has the desire to be married wont be married. Unfortunately. Not due to anything you've done or that God doesn't think you deserve it...but because sin has far reaching consequences and we can't all escape them.

God created us with the disire for a mate. But he only PROMISED to make sure we had food clothing and shelter if we seek his kingdom. 

I think about things like slavery. It was an evil perpetrated by man, and though many enslaved people were saved, had a strong desire to be free and prayed about it...many of them died in that enslavement. May seem like an extreme example but I think its worth thinking about how God lets things/sin play out. So some of us will have to remain single...especially if we are looking to remain equally yoked. Thats where Gods grace comes in at being sufficient for us.


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## Kinkyhairlady (Sep 11, 2012)

CoilyFields said:
			
		

> This is kind of what I was trying to get at. Everyone that has the desire to be married wont be married. Unfortunately. Not due to anything you've done or that God doesn't think you deserve it...but because sin has far reaching consequences and we can't all escape them.
> 
> God created us with the disire for a mate. But he only PROMISED to make sure we had food clothing and shelter if we seek his kingdom.
> 
> I think about things like slavery. It was an evil perpetrated by man, and though many enslaved people were saved, had a strong desire to be free and prayed about it...many of them died in that enslavement. May seem like an extreme example but I think its worth thinking about how God lets things/sin play out. So some of us will have to remain single...especially if we are looking to remain equally yoked. Thats where Gods grace comes in at being sufficient for us.



CoilyFields

I have to disagree a little. I truly believe if one want to be married then God will answer that prayer. I know there are many single Christian women out there crying for a husband but a lot of times these women are making very little effort to position themselves so a mate can find them. I'm def guilty of that. I work, go to school and church but I am not active in school activities or church activities. Women have to put themselves in positions to be noticed. Women at my church who are active are rarely single. This one girl in praise and worship was noticed by a man visiting and they've been married 7 years now. Online dating is not for me but it is another form of getting yourself noticed but just be selective and pray about the men who approach.


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## MrsHaseeb (Sep 11, 2012)

To tell yourself or other women to just accept that they won't be married just because we may not see men everywhere is calling God's Word a lie. We are instructed to walk by faith not by sight. If we choose to believe and be lead by circumstance and walk in double mindedness then we need not expect anything from God because we won't receive it. To be honest, I think this is the main reason many black women in churches are single. They struggle with faith that God will give them a mate. Thoughts do become things and God's Word tells us we are what we think (Proverbs 23:7) so if you're praying for a husband and saying you want one yet you lack faith in your heart for God to provide one and focus on being single and the lack of men in churches then please expect to stay single. I serve a sovereign God and I don't have to believe what I see just because its in front of me. If I choose not to believe His Word I make him a liar. I refuse to accept that I may be doomed to be single. That's a trick of the enemy to make women discouraged and possibly end up falling into sin and fornication when it was your own lack of faith the entire time.

Fear is faith in reverse. Whatever you fear demands to come to pass. If you fear that you will remain single and God may not grant you a husband that will be your reality.

Sent from my 4G HTC Thunderbolt using LHCF


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## Kinkyhairlady (Sep 11, 2012)

MrsHaseeb said:


> To tell yourself or other women to just accept that they won't be married just because we may not see men everywhere is calling God's Word a lie. We are instructed to walk by faith not by sight. If we choose to believe and be lead by circumstance and walk in double mindedness then we need not expect anything from God because we won't receive it. To be honest, I think this is the main reason many black women in churches are single. They struggle with faith that God will give them a mate. Thoughts do become things and God's Word tells us we are what we think (Proverbs 23:7) so if you're praying for a husband and saying you want one yet you lack faith in your heart for God to provide one and focus on being single and the lack of men in churches then please expect to stay single. I serve a sovereign God and I don't have to believe what I see just because its in front of me. If I choose not to believe His Word I make him a liar. I refuse to accept that I may be doomed to be single. That's a trick of the enemy to make women discouraged and possibly end up falling into sin and fornication when it was your own lack of faith the entire time.
> 
> Fear is faith in reverse. Whatever you fear demands to come to pass. If you fear that you will remain single and God may not grant you a husband that will be your reality.
> 
> Sent from my 4G HTC Thunderbolt using LHCF



Amen to everything you said! God's word is the truth and he said if you desire to be married you will be! We as single women have to look deep within ourselves and figure out why we are single. Sometimes we are the ones holding ourselves back by thinking we don't deserve a good man or we are not good enough. Men smell weakness a mile away, the good ones will not appproach but the liars who feed on vulnerability will. I am very shy and quiet and that has really hindered my dating life. As I get older my self esteem is not what it once was because I feel I am not as desireable as i was in my 20s but that just the devil trying to mess with my head. We are what we think we are. If you think you are not deserving of a husband than you are placing yourself in that position. We all are deserving of Gods gifts no matter what your past is but you need to let God lead the way and follow suit.


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## CoilyFields (Sep 12, 2012)

MrsHaseeb said:


> *To tell yourself or other women to just accept that they won't be married just because we may not see men everywhere is calling God's Word a lie.* We are instructed to walk by faith not by sight. If we choose to believe and be lead by circumstance and walk in double mindedness then we need not expect anything from God because we won't receive it. To be honest, I think this is the main reason many black women in churches are single. They struggle with faith that God will give them a mate. Thoughts do become things and God's Word tells us we are what we think (Proverbs 23:7) so if you're praying for a husband and saying you want one yet you lack faith in your heart for God to provide one and focus on being single and the lack of men in churches then please expect to stay single. I serve a sovereign God and I don't have to believe what I see just because its in front of me. *If I choose not to believe His Word I make him a liar.* I refuse to accept that I may be doomed to be single. That's a trick of the enemy to make women discouraged and possibly end up falling into sin and fornication when it was your own lack of faith the entire time.
> 
> Fear is faith in reverse. Whatever you fear demands to come to pass. If you fear that you will remain single and God may not grant you a husband that will be your reality.
> 
> Sent from my 4G HTC Thunderbolt using LHCF


 
Gods word doesn't promise us a mate. 

I agree about having faith in God to give you things even when circumstances may dictate otherwise. But we must be aware of what God has actually promised versus what we are asking for.

 But I dont believe in ignoring the reality of consequences of sin that may affect your life (not necessarily your own sin). It may cause you to be complacent about things (ignoring the fact that you need to do something different to get better results-perhaps online dating lol). 

I also dont want people to ignore sin because then...if you dont get what you've asked God for...and lets be real...God does NOT give us everything we ask for (for various reasons) many people will blame God, blame themselves etc. when sin is the cause. I know plenty of Christians whose faith has been shaken becuase they didnt get what it was that they wanted/asked/prayed for.  They didnt understand what God really promises us and how living in this world will bring us trials and worries etc. Everyone that prays for healing from cancer wont get it, everyone who prays for a husband, wont get one, everyone who prays for that great job wont get it. If  that was the case then Christians would be the richest, healthiest, most married (and staying married) folks on earth.

I dont want to discourage ANYONE from having faith in God...cause I sure believe God for some IMPOSSIBLE situations in my life. But I guess my thing is...ask...have faith...take action...and if it doesn't happen dont charge it to God...and remember that no matter what happens God's grace is sufficient.


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## CoilyFields (Sep 12, 2012)

Kinkyhairlady said:


> @CoilyFields
> 
> I have to disagree a little. *I truly believe if one want to be married then God will answer that prayer.* I know there are many single Christian women out there crying for a husband but a lot of times these women are making very little effort to position themselves so a mate can find them. I'm def guilty of that. I work, go to school and church but I am not active in school activities or church activities. Women have to put themselves in positions to be noticed. Women at my church who are active are rarely single. This one girl in praise and worship was noticed by a man visiting and they've been married 7 years now. Online dating is not for me but it is another form of getting yourself noticed but just be selective and pray about the men who approach.


 
I guess thats where we disagree. I dont believe that just becuase you want something doesn't mean you will get it. God doesn't promise us that.


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## Kalani (Sep 12, 2012)

GoddessMaker said:


> I look at online dating like applying for jobs online. Some won't connect,some will call but won't workout but then there is those that do work *and can lead to friendship* and more It's all on perspective and knowing what you want upfront. I am in the process of doing the online dating thing. And yes it can be hard but alas dating is just hard for people like me. It's just the facts of life at this phase. Some are able to find a great mate and be happy. Again it's all in how your working it upfront.



I tried the online thing upon my re-entrance into the dating world because after a 5 year break from all things men I was awkward as heck  I was also in a  stage of my life where I wanted to try new things and explore my outdoor adventure side but alas none of my female friends shared my desire to try things like snowboarding. 
So in my online search I looked for active, outdoor types which brings me to the bolded. I found my best guy friend and mountain biking buddy from an online site. There was never a romantic connection but we totally hit off. After a while I grew tired of online dating (though I did score some fun, memorable dates) but he remains a great friend til this day.


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## MrsHaseeb (Sep 12, 2012)

CoilyFields said:


> Gods word doesn't promise us a mate.
> 
> I agree about having faith in God to give you things even when circumstances may dictate otherwise. But we must be aware of what God has actually promised versus what we are asking for.
> 
> ...



I totally understand what you are saying and for the most part I don't necessarily disagree. However God promises us the desires of our heart. To believe that God can't provide a husband limits Him. But again, if someone accepts that they are doomed to be single that is what they will get. I choose to believe I serve a God who is able to do exceeding abundantly above all I may ask or think.

Sent from my 4G HTC Thunderbolt using LHCF


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## Iwanthealthyhair67 (Sep 12, 2012)

I'd dare to say that we all beleive and know that God is well able to do exceedingly abundantly and above all...however, the fact still remains that we don't always get what we pray for, it's doesn't always mean that the person praying lacks faith or vacillates between two opinions...


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## CoilyFields (Sep 12, 2012)

MrsHaseeb said:


> I totally understand what you are saying and for the most part I don't necessarily disagree. *However God promises us the desires of our heart.* _To believe that God can't provide a husband limits Him._ But again, if someone accepts that they are doomed to be single that is what they will get. I choose to believe I serve a God who is able to do exceeding abundantly above all I may ask or think.
> 
> Sent from my 4G HTC Thunderbolt using LHCF


To the bolded:
I was taught that Psalms 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart" has been misinterpreted to mean that whatever our hearts desire, God will give it to us as long as we delight in him.
It really means that when we delight in God HE will PUT desires into our hearts so that he can then fulfill them. Every desire that we have is not of God...and just because its not directly from God does not mean its a wrong desire to have either. (Neither does it mean that He will not fulfill certain of those desires that he did not deposit).

I guess I speak from the experience of being one of those Christians who desired something soooooooooo strongly. Prayed, fasted, believed, tried to do everything right...and still didnt get what I'd asked for. It was really traumatic to my faith because it was the first time that I had really stepped out on faith for anything bigger than a passing grade on an exam in undergrad lol. Thats why I keep saying his grace is sufficient...because thats what I had to learn. That Gods grace is good enough to fill in the "gaps" and "holes" that are present in my life.

To the Red: I didn't say God wasnt able to provide one...I said that He wouldn't always do it. He lets sin play out and doesnt always mitigate those consequences and realities...not that he cant...he just wont...and He chooses when and if he does. 

But as you said...we're mostly agreeing with each other...just some other peripheral differences.


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