Feminine Belles - Info/discussion/support Thread

[Kimbosheart]

I found this little nugget of wisdom while searching for sources on receiving.

"Women who are effective receivers know what they want, have effective standards that filter through what is needed versus what is not, and uses what she was given for a higher purpose. Her receiving is not about being validated it is about her getting the means to accomplish an end that benefits herself and others. Gracious receivers have a calming, centered, openness to their lives. They have a welcoming feeling with space and room. They will constantly get more and more and have to give it out so that they make more space to receive. The physical environment of a woman with receiving space looks like an expression of her personality. There is a good blend of structure and openness whereby her environment communicates welcomeness, expectations, is filled with the things sheenjoys, and there is room for others. Her appearance will be her own style with a sense of enjoying the way she dresses. By expressing out, she makes space within.

How do you know when a women can’t receive? Women who are shut down from receiving tend to have a busy, cluttered, rushed, overloaded type of life. Or, they are the extreme opposite with an exaggerated need for perfection. She may talk “chatterbox like” or speak with perfect diction. She may walk really fast or walk like a disciplined trained ballerina. She will have a distracted unfocused presence or a disgenuine attentive smile. She functions while exhausted and rarely gets enough sleep. She can express anger and disappointment more readily than joy and gratitude. The physical environment of a woman with no receiving space looks like chaos or extreme perfection driven orderliness. Her appearance will be appropriate but something unkempt, or she will be perfect looking without a hair out of place."
http://www.noomii.com/articles/3081...rsuit-of-happiness-receiver-mode-vs-take-mode

The bolded really caught my attention. I have been focusing on dressing my best again and I love that it could be having this side effect. I do notice that by dressing my best, I have been creating some wonderful days lately. Another blog, recommended going 30 days without wearing pants or shorts and only wear dresses and skirts to increase your femininity. I think I'm going to try this in November, but I'm going to have to up my supply of skirts and dresses.

 

[almond eyes]

By the way, I will be sharing an article written by a matchmaker who recently got married and her tips and why it took her so long. She says a few things that we already have been discussing. The article was featured in the NY Times section this week but I can't get to the link because I exceeded my quota of articles for the month. The key things she said was (paraphrasing), "never call a man ever, people like to be with people who reflect happiness and that her feminine style caught his eye big time and relaxing upon her list not of the man's qualities but the other superficial stuff like his height"

The other thing is that it is not just African American girls raised to be mammies in the household but also African girls are raised up to be the housekeepers and maids of the house especially when the family lives abroad. I was reading the excellent and insightful posts from Kimbosheart.

I have a cousin and she was raised to feel that dressing up and wearing make up meant you were superficial and you should just focus on the house. So as a child it was clean, clean, clean and lord help if something was out of place. And stay away from boys and if you get your period you better not disgrace the family. Now as an adult she has no soft sides as a woman and she speaks very loudly and many times we have to say "shush". I feel so badly for her because now she is in a very advanced age no husband and no kids and she is set in her ways. I wish her mother had allowed her to be more of a girl growing up and allow the delicate nature to come out and she was always attracted to alpha males but they never seemed to be attracted to her.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[caribeandiva]

By the way, I will be sharing an article written by a matchmaker who recently got married and her tips and why it took her so long. She says a few things that we already have been discussing. The article was featured in the NY Times section this week but I can't get to the link because I exceeded my quota of articles for the month. The key things she said was (paraphrasing), "never call a man ever, people like to be with people who reflect happiness and that her feminine style caught his eye big time and relaxing upon her list not of the man's qualities but the other superficial stuff like his height"

The other thing is that it is not just African American girls raised to be mammies in the household but also African girls are raised up to be the housekeepers and maids of the house especially when the family lives abroad. I was reading the excellent and insightful posts from Kimbosheart.

I have a cousin and she was raised to feel that dressing up and wearing make up meant you were superficial and you should just focus on the house. So as a child it was clean, clean, clean and lord help if something was out of place. And stay away from boys and if you get your period you better not disgrace the family. Now as an adult she has no soft sides as a woman and she speaks very loudly and many times we have to say "shush". I feel so badly for her because now she is in a very advanced age no husband and no kids and she is set in her ways. I wish her mother had allowed her to be more of a girl growing up and allow the delicate nature to come out and she was always attracted to alpha males but they never seemed to be attracted to her.

Best,
Almond Eyes

Is it this article?
http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/10/2...chmaker-finds-a-love-of-her-own.html?referer=

Anyway, I'm so sad for your friend though. That has to be tough. I wonder how she explains her single status to herself.

 

[BK Bombshell]

Thanks @almond eyes and @caribeandiva . Here's the article:

***********

Sarah Smith and Robert Walmsley: A Matchmaker Finds a Love of Her Own

She Met Her Match It took compromise and help from online dating for the founder of Eight at Eight Dinner Club to meet her husband.

October 24, 2015
Vows
By LOIS SMITH BRADY
When it comes to finding love for other people, Sarah Kathryn Smith, a professional matchmaker, is cheerfully realistic. “You have to be the kind of person the kind of person you want is looking for,” is one of her favorite pieces of advice.

She is also optimistic. “The only people who don’t find love are the ones who quit trying,” said Ms. Smith, 39.

Another of Ms. Smith’s sayings: “Men fall in love with their eyes. And women fall in love between their ears.”

Her own love life did not go exactly as she had planned. She graduated from the University of Georgia and expected to get married in her 20s, she said. But then, at 22, she paid $2,000 to buy a failing matchmaking business, Eight at Eight Dinner Club. “It was so much fun growing a business,” she said. “I sort of fell in love with it for many years.”

She made her first matches from an office in her parents’ basement, but she now works above ground in a glossy Atlanta office and organizes a dinner for eight — four single women and four single men — once a week in New York and Atlanta. The singles pay a fee and are vetted by Ms. Smith’s all-women team of matchmakers.

“You should see Sarah work a room,” said Meg Dobesh, who met her husband at one of these dinners. “She’ll say, ‘Oh gosh. You both have small dogs, or ‘You both love to hang glide.’ She’ll give you that icebreaker.”

Although Ms. Smith met single men in her office almost daily and went on lots of blind dates herself, “the one” eluded her. “The majority of matchmakers I know are not married, “ she said. “It’s like the cobbler without shoes.”

Jennifer Miotke, who helps run One on One Matchmaking, an offshoot of Eight at Eight that is more personal (and more expensive), said that she often advised Ms. Smith to throw away, or at least shorten, her rather extensive list of requirements.

“She had this very specific type in her head: a Southern guy who went to Georgia and was from a really good family and made more money than her — like triple,” Ms. Miotke said. “Or, she was open to the 50-year-old who thought she was adorable but he had to be really wealthy.”

Ms. Smith posted a profile in the spring of 2014 with Match.com. “Sometimes even matchmakers have to check their egos at the door and say, ‘I’m vulnerable,’ and put themselves in an uncomfortable situation,” she said.

“I highly recommend trying everything out there,” she said, “including online dating. There’s no place you’re going to find a larger quantity of people. I didn’t say quality.”

In her profile, Ms. Smith said she was seeking “an insanely successful (not successfully insane) Southern gentleman.” She also wrote that she was looking for a city person who lived within a mile of her apartment in downtown Atlanta.

“How would I ever have something in common with someone who lived 30 miles north of the city?” she said, laughing at her own narrow-mindedness. At the bottom of her profile, she wrote, “it wouldn’t hurt if he had a boat.”

Robert Walmsley was the first person who sent her a message. Initially, she thought he seemed like a terrible match for her. He lived in Alpharetta, Ga., a distant suburb of Atlanta that she described as having “strip malls, no diversity, northern transplants, chain restaurants, not my scene.”

He was also newly divorced (a big red flag in the Eight at Eight offices) and the father of two girls. “With 0.0 kids, I thought dating a single dad would be off the wall,” Ms. Smith said.

But like her, Mr. Walmsley is business-minded, a water-skier and a fan of college football. (He graduated from the University of Florida and roots for the Florida Gators, while she roots for her alma mater’s Bulldogs.) He even owned a boat. So she agreed to meet him for lunch.

Mr. Walmsley, 45, is a senior vice president for sales in the Atlanta office of Coveo, a search technology company. “Some salespeople come across as really aggressive and loud, but that’s not how I would describe him,” said Kyle Wingfield, who is married to Emily, Ms. Smith’s sister. “He’s more the kind who knows that listening is often the key to the deal.”

Both Mr. Walmsley, who had recently been on a few terrible Match.com dates, and Ms. Smith, who expected an unsophisticated suburban dad, were surprised by how much they liked each other, and how quickly. “She is just so feminine,” he said. “She is incredibly beautiful and well-spoken and funny.”

She found him “very polished,” with a “fresh and clean face,” and left the lunch hoping he would call her. She would never have called him. “Oh, never, never, never, never,” she said. “It has to be the guy. He has to feel like he’s in charge.

“He’s either attracted to you or he’s not,” she said. “Men have a type. They know what they want. Women can grow. Women always say, ‘I didn’t love him at first, but he really grew on me.’ But you never hear a man say, ‘I thought she was very unattractive at first, but I started to like her.’ ”

Mr. Walmsley sent her a text a few hours after lunch and called her that evening. The following week, he was busy taking care of his daughters, Kate, now 12, and Jane, 11, so he and Ms. Smith talked on the phone for hours, late at night.

“To find someone you can talk to is the ultimate, just the ultimate,” Ms. Smith said. “Remember, a woman falls in love between her ears. We both love words. He’s very close to his mother, he grew up with a sister, he has two daughters. He can talk to women.”

It seems Mr. Walmsley fell in love between his ears as well. “Conversations with her were just incredible,” he said. “She’s incredibly optimistic, but not in a blind way. She’s ready to take on the world: ‘I can do anything. I can be anything. I can go and make something of myself.’ ”

On their third date, he decorated his motorboat with Chinese paper lanterns and took her out for an evening boat ride and picnic dinner on Lake Windward in Alpharetta. They rode around the lake for a long time until he finally got up the courage to ask, “Do you mind if I kiss you?” He hadn’t kissed a woman other than his ex-wife for over 16 years. “It was nerve-racking,” he said.

Looking back on their first weeks together, Mr. Walmsley said: “It was like I was 16 again, and I don’t mean in an immature way. I mean finding someone and falling in love and walking around with a smile on my face 24 hours a day.”

Just before Halloween, the couple decided it was time for her to meet his daughters. “Our feelings were growing intensely, but I didn’t know all of who he was until I met the girls,” she said. “They have been a dream. They are smart kids, they’re good-looking kids and they are sweet. I love teenagers. It’s such an interesting time. It’s when they discover boys and girls and dating. I’m really excited about the coming years.”

Considering that she ended up with someone who had little that was on her list besides a strong work ethic and a boat, Ms. Smith now tells clients: “Most of the people I see in relationships don’t get everything they wanted, and they are supremely happy regardless. They usually laugh and say, ‘Can you believe I was so adamant about a guy who was a foot taller than me?’ ”

On Oct. 10, a date they chose because the Bulldogs were playing out of town, they were married at the Piedmont Driving Club in Atlanta, a place that looks as if it were built for Southern belles to swish in and out of.

The ceremony took place in a ballroom containing gilded oil portraits, chandeliers, 25 guests and the officiant, Allison Per-Lee, the interim pastor at the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Snellville, Ga.

During the reception for 122 guests, Anthony Smith, the bride’s father, said that when he first met Mr. Walmsley, he knew the man had what it took to be married to his ambitious, on-the-go, fun-loving daughter. “He had the twinkle, the energy and the firm handshake,” Mr. Smith said.


Ms. Smith’s Rules of Dating

Go on at least two dates with someone. “Too many singles give up after one date because they expect instant sparks.”

Show up in a good mood. “People want to be around people who are happy.”

Don’t brag or gripe about former flames. “History does not exist.”

Do not drink too much. “That has gotten more people into trouble.”

Clear any embarrassing photos from Facebook. “You want a clean online presence.”

 

[almond eyes]

Thanks you are a gem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best,
Almond Eyes

Thanks @almond eyes and @caribeandiva . Here's the article:

***********

Sarah Smith and Robert Walmsley: A Matchmaker Finds a Love of Her Own

She Met Her Match It took compromise and help from online dating for the founder of Eight at Eight Dinner Club to meet her husband.

October 24, 2015
Vows
By LOIS SMITH BRADY
When it comes to finding love for other people, Sarah Kathryn Smith, a professional matchmaker, is cheerfully realistic. “You have to be the kind of person the kind of person you want is looking for,” is one of her favorite pieces of advice.

She is also optimistic. “The only people who don’t find love are the ones who quit trying,” said Ms. Smith, 39.

Another of Ms. Smith’s sayings: “Men fall in love with their eyes. And women fall in love between their ears.”

Her own love life did not go exactly as she had planned. She graduated from the University of Georgia and expected to get married in her 20s, she said. But then, at 22, she paid $2,000 to buy a failing matchmaking business, Eight at Eight Dinner Club. “It was so much fun growing a business,” she said. “I sort of fell in love with it for many years.”

She made her first matches from an office in her parents’ basement, but she now works above ground in a glossy Atlanta office and organizes a dinner for eight — four single women and four single men — once a week in New York and Atlanta. The singles pay a fee and are vetted by Ms. Smith’s all-women team of matchmakers.

“You should see Sarah work a room,” said Meg Dobesh, who met her husband at one of these dinners. “She’ll say, ‘Oh gosh. You both have small dogs, or ‘You both love to hang glide.’ She’ll give you that icebreaker.”

Although Ms. Smith met single men in her office almost daily and went on lots of blind dates herself, “the one” eluded her. “The majority of matchmakers I know are not married, “ she said. “It’s like the cobbler without shoes.”

Jennifer Miotke, who helps run One on One Matchmaking, an offshoot of Eight at Eight that is more personal (and more expensive), said that she often advised Ms. Smith to throw away, or at least shorten, her rather extensive list of requirements.

“She had this very specific type in her head: a Southern guy who went to Georgia and was from a really good family and made more money than her — like triple,” Ms. Miotke said. “Or, she was open to the 50-year-old who thought she was adorable but he had to be really wealthy.”

Ms. Smith posted a profile in the spring of 2014 with Match.com. “Sometimes even matchmakers have to check their egos at the door and say, ‘I’m vulnerable,’ and put themselves in an uncomfortable situation,” she said.

“I highly recommend trying everything out there,” she said, “including online dating. There’s no place you’re going to find a larger quantity of people. I didn’t say quality.”

In her profile, Ms. Smith said she was seeking “an insanely successful (not successfully insane) Southern gentleman.” She also wrote that she was looking for a city person who lived within a mile of her apartment in downtown Atlanta.

“How would I ever have something in common with someone who lived 30 miles north of the city?” she said, laughing at her own narrow-mindedness. At the bottom of her profile, she wrote, “it wouldn’t hurt if he had a boat.”

Robert Walmsley was the first person who sent her a message. Initially, she thought he seemed like a terrible match for her. He lived in Alpharetta, Ga., a distant suburb of Atlanta that she described as having “strip malls, no diversity, northern transplants, chain restaurants, not my scene.”

He was also newly divorced (a big red flag in the Eight at Eight offices) and the father of two girls. “With 0.0 kids, I thought dating a single dad would be off the wall,” Ms. Smith said.

But like her, Mr. Walmsley is business-minded, a water-skier and a fan of college football. (He graduated from the University of Florida and roots for the Florida Gators, while she roots for her alma mater’s Bulldogs.) He even owned a boat. So she agreed to meet him for lunch.

Mr. Walmsley, 45, is a senior vice president for sales in the Atlanta office of Coveo, a search technology company. “Some salespeople come across as really aggressive and loud, but that’s not how I would describe him,” said Kyle Wingfield, who is married to Emily, Ms. Smith’s sister. “He’s more the kind who knows that listening is often the key to the deal.”

Both Mr. Walmsley, who had recently been on a few terrible Match.com dates, and Ms. Smith, who expected an unsophisticated suburban dad, were surprised by how much they liked each other, and how quickly. “She is just so feminine,” he said. “She is incredibly beautiful and well-spoken and funny.”

She found him “very polished,” with a “fresh and clean face,” and left the lunch hoping he would call her. She would never have called him. “Oh, never, never, never, never,” she said. “It has to be the guy. He has to feel like he’s in charge.

“He’s either attracted to you or he’s not,” she said. “Men have a type. They know what they want. Women can grow. Women always say, ‘I didn’t love him at first, but he really grew on me.’ But you never hear a man say, ‘I thought she was very unattractive at first, but I started to like her.’ ”

Mr. Walmsley sent her a text a few hours after lunch and called her that evening. The following week, he was busy taking care of his daughters, Kate, now 12, and Jane, 11, so he and Ms. Smith talked on the phone for hours, late at night.

“To find someone you can talk to is the ultimate, just the ultimate,” Ms. Smith said. “Remember, a woman falls in love between her ears. We both love words. He’s very close to his mother, he grew up with a sister, he has two daughters. He can talk to women.”

It seems Mr. Walmsley fell in love between his ears as well. “Conversations with her were just incredible,” he said. “She’s incredibly optimistic, but not in a blind way. She’s ready to take on the world: ‘I can do anything. I can be anything. I can go and make something of myself.’ ”

On their third date, he decorated his motorboat with Chinese paper lanterns and took her out for an evening boat ride and picnic dinner on Lake Windward in Alpharetta. They rode around the lake for a long time until he finally got up the courage to ask, “Do you mind if I kiss you?” He hadn’t kissed a woman other than his ex-wife for over 16 years. “It was nerve-racking,” he said.

Looking back on their first weeks together, Mr. Walmsley said: “It was like I was 16 again, and I don’t mean in an immature way. I mean finding someone and falling in love and walking around with a smile on my face 24 hours a day.”

Just before Halloween, the couple decided it was time for her to meet his daughters. “Our feelings were growing intensely, but I didn’t know all of who he was until I met the girls,” she said. “They have been a dream. They are smart kids, they’re good-looking kids and they are sweet. I love teenagers. It’s such an interesting time. It’s when they discover boys and girls and dating. I’m really excited about the coming years.”

Considering that she ended up with someone who had little that was on her list besides a strong work ethic and a boat, Ms. Smith now tells clients: “Most of the people I see in relationships don’t get everything they wanted, and they are supremely happy regardless. They usually laugh and say, ‘Can you believe I was so adamant about a guy who was a foot taller than me?’ ”

On Oct. 10, a date they chose because the Bulldogs were playing out of town, they were married at the Piedmont Driving Club in Atlanta, a place that looks as if it were built for Southern belles to swish in and out of.

The ceremony took place in a ballroom containing gilded oil portraits, chandeliers, 25 guests and the officiant, Allison Per-Lee, the interim pastor at the Westminster Presbyterian Church in Snellville, Ga.

During the reception for 122 guests, Anthony Smith, the bride’s father, said that when he first met Mr. Walmsley, he knew the man had what it took to be married to his ambitious, on-the-go, fun-loving daughter. “He had the twinkle, the energy and the firm handshake,” Mr. Smith said.


Ms. Smith’s Rules of Dating

Go on at least two dates with someone. “Too many singles give up after one date because they expect instant sparks.”

Show up in a good mood. “People want to be around people who are happy.”

Don’t brag or gripe about former flames. “History does not exist.”

Do not drink too much. “That has gotten more people into trouble.”

Clear any embarrassing photos from Facebook. “You want a clean online presence.”

 

[almond eyes]

Is it this article?
http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/10/2...chmaker-finds-a-love-of-her-own.html?referer=

Anyway, I'm so sad for your friend though. That has to be tough. I wonder how she explains her single status to herself.

She blames it on men being superficial!!!!

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[caribeandiva]

She blames it on men being superficial!!!!

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[ladysaraii]

@Kimbosheart Thank you for the info on receiving. I've come to realize that I suck at it.

Not to blame everything on my mom, but I think it's totally her fault. lol. I'm being slightly dramatic here. I think she has trouble receiving or trusting men due to things with her father and stepfather. I grew up hearing the mantra 'God bless the child who has her own.' Sounds good on the surface, right? Maybe not so much. I remember saying that to my dad one day and he said 'your mom takes it too far sometimes' I didn't ask what he meant then, but maybe I can follow up with his thoughts.

Hmm, I should ask her about these things too.

 

[almond eyes]

View attachment 340649

You know I feel very bad for her because she has to now say that to make the situation better.

I know frog farming!!!!!!

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Thanks @almond eyes and @caribeandiva . Here's the article:

**********

She is also optimistic. “The only people who don’t find love are the ones who quit trying,” said Ms. Smith, 39.

This is so true.... Very good point.

Another of Ms. Smith’s sayings: “Men fall in love with their eyes. And women fall in love between their ears.”

Yup!

Both Mr. Walmsley, who had recently been on a few terrible Match.com dates, and Ms. Smith, who expected an unsophisticated suburban dad, were surprised by how much they liked each other, and how quickly. “She is just so feminine,” he said. “She is incredibly beautiful and well-spoken and funny.”

Awwww!!! What a lovely compliment! I would melt if a guy spoke about me in this way I'm going to look up the author and see if I can see any video/interview footage of her so I can get a glimpse of how she comes across.

She found him “very polished,” with a “fresh and clean face,” and left the lunch hoping he would call her. She would never have called him. “Oh, never, never, never, never,” she said. “It has to be the guy. He has to feel like he’s in charge.

YEP...I've found that relationships work much better (or go a lot smoother) when the MAN is the one in charge. There's less anxiety on the woman's part.

“He’s either attracted to you or he’s not,” she said. “Men have a type. They know what they want. Women can grow. Women always say, ‘I didn’t love him at first, but he really grew on me.’ But you never hear a man say, ‘I thought she was very unattractive at first, but I started to like her.’ ”

OMG this is SO true!!! 9 times out of 10 this is so very true. I had to learn this the hard way, and it took some time for it to "sink in", but now that I look back on previous relationships (ones that worked, and ones that didn't work), this is definitely TRUE. That's why I always say that men rarely if ever "settle" when it comes to attraction.

A lot of women think they can grow on a man because maybe a relationship took a long time to develop into love. (ie. you two were friends but you guys didn't start dating each other until years later). What women don't realize is that the man was probably ALWAYS attracted to you, but maybe at the time he was dating someone else, maybe YOU were dating someone else, or he really liked someone else more at the time, or maybe you CHANGED something about yourself (ie. lost weight, got more in shape, changed your way of dressing/grooming/hair, etc) that caused him to become more physically attracted to you. But either way, the PHYSICAL attraction HAD to always be there from the get-go for him to want to date you. A guy isn't going to date a woman SIMPLY because "she has a nice personality"

It's kind of sobering, but it's true.

I can't change a man's mind about me physically. He may really like me as a person, but if he doesn't feel that gut-level attraction that makes him want to pursue, then it's just NOT gonna happen.

That's why I don't go TOO out of my way to go after a man. I'll be nice, friendly, smiley, and even slightly flirty, but I am NOT going to be chasing after a man, because if he was really attracted to me, then he would find a way to go after me, get to know me better, strike up a conversation, ask me on a date, etc. Just my Plus, I want someone who was attracted to me from the get-go. A guy who truly sees my worth. What woman wants to have to be "convincing" a man of her worthiness??

Ms. Smith’s Rules of Dating

Go on at least two dates with someone. “Too many singles give up after one date because they expect instant sparks.”

Show up in a good mood. “People want to be around people who are happy.”

Don’t brag or gripe about former flames. “History does not exist.”

Do not drink too much. “That has gotten more people into trouble.”

Clear any embarrassing photos from Facebook. “You want a clean online presence.”

I like these rules! Especially the ones in bold!


BTW...I had no idea that matchmakers often have trouble finding love themselves. I wonder why that is? Is it because they're so busy?? I would think they would have the highest rate of being able to find someone since they are in touch with single men ALL the time, they teach women what to do/say/wear so they KNOW the "Right" way to present themselves during a date, etc... I'm just wondering why she mentioned that they have a hard time.

 

[hopeful]

This is so true.... Very good point.
...

BTW...I had no idea that matchmakers often have trouble finding love themselves. I wonder why that is? Is it because they're so busy?? I would think they would have the highest rate of being able to find someone since they are in touch with single men ALL the time, they teach women what to do/say/wear so they KNOW the "Right" way to present themselves during a date, etc... I'm just wondering why she mentioned that they have a hard time.

On Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger was always busy but also very hard-headed and would not take her own advice. It was kinda like because of who she was she thought the "rules" shouldn't apply to her and she could get that young, hot guy who was mature, wealthy, adored her, alpha, but let's her take the lead. It's much easier to give than take advice.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

On Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger was always busy but also very hard-headed and would not take her own advice. It was kinda like because of who she was she thought the "rules" shouldn't apply to her and she could get that young, hot guy who was mature, wealthy, adored her, alpha, but let's her take the lead. It's much easier to give than take advice.

Oh yes Patti...I love that show btw.

That's very interesting. I guess it's sort of like how people like to dish out advice, but then don't want to take their own advice lol. You can't have it all...

As I mature and have looked at other people's relationships, I have found that it doesn't matter so much what the physical is like (although I do believe in being ATTRACTED to your partner), but more so how they treat you, and if they have the QUALITIES that you are looking for in a marriage mate/life partner.

Looks come and go. Plus, you can't expect "opposites" from a guy. You can't say you want a hot alpha man who's also sensitive and in tune with his feminine side and loves puppies. I mean, certain things just don't always go together lol Wanting an alpha male who also lets you run the show and wear the pants in the relationship is like looking for a mythical unicorn. You'll spend your whole life single and going gray looking for that "combination" in a man lol.

 

[almond eyes]

Excellent insights Crystalicequeen123!!!!!!

Your quote, "That's why I always say that men rarely if ever "settle" when it comes to attraction". Yes, I know but I still have questions about that at times.

But don't you also think that even within that men will not also get their mythical unicorn woman. I mean some of these men have such high physical standards but they themselves aren't up to the physical standard either. But I guess with men it doesn't matter because with men as long as they are the protectorate and seem strong and can support a woman, a woman will forgo the issue of the looks and the hot physical attraction.

Also, it depends on the man's paradigm. Many men will forgo the pretty face and hot physical attraction for a feminine woman who will make them feel good about themselves or if they spend a lot of time with them. One of my male friends was spending lots of time with a woman that was not his physical type but the black woman had a British accent and she always had immaculate looking hair and was super fem he fell for her after awhile. But you are saying that he always had something for her and it's not true that he was not physically attracted to her even though his feelings were latent?

I know men who were seriously good looking back in the day and got so many beautiful girls and as they got older and aged badly they can't get those same girls anymore especially if they can't bring much to the table so the girls they could get back in the day are completely different now. I know in college one of the hottest guys everyone wanted a date with him and he only liked very light skinned women and one of my acquaintances she was not even in his radar at all she was far from that look and personality. But bam when they started taking classes together after college he saw her in a new light and they began dating we were all shocked.

I remember a guy telling me last year that all his male friends said that the women had to have the four plus factor. I was like what is the four plus factor, he said, "face, body, legs and overall looks". He said men will take two out of the four and negotiate for other things. He said but if the woman has the four plus factor that is the hardest to find.

I have a friend who told me that her husband was not into looks at all, he just wanted a woman who would be able to take care of the house and was church going. He didn't want someone who was going to make his feelings all over the place and she was a safe bet. He wanted someone who reminded him of his mother.

I guess in some ways we women do hold a lot more control in that we can also get much of what we want but we must not have an unrealistic combo. I have a friend and she loved men with light skinned, wavy hair, tall, no kids, her similar age. Okay she ended up with a light skinned guy with wavy hair who was average height but had kids and was way older.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I found a video of matchmaker Sarah Smith!





She's cute lol.... She does NOT look like she's almost 40! She has a very young/youthful face. I can see why her guy fell for her. She has a very pleasant way about her. I like her southern accent lol.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Interesting points you brought up @almond eyes !

That's why I'm glad we all can discuss our opinions on here in an insightful and encouraging way, because sometimes there are other ways of seeing things that people will point out. Everything isn't set in stone, so these are just my personal opinions based on what I've personally observed, read, and what men have told me over the years.

I'll try to address some of your questions.....

But don't you also think that even within that men will not also get their mythical unicorn woman. I mean some of these men have such high physical standards but they themselves aren't up to the physical standard either. But I guess with men it doesn't matter because with men as long as they are the protectorate and seem strong and can support a woman, a woman will forgo the issue of the looks and the hot physical attraction.

Oh sure!!! I mean, what a guy wants at age 21 is definitely going to be DRASTICALLY different when he's age 35. Unless he is still very immature, lacks a lot of dating experience, or has commitment issues, most men are looking for MORE than just "a pretty face" when they reach the age where they want to settle down, start a family, etc. A guy may want a Beyonce or a Pamela Anderson type, but he might end up marrying a Jennifer Aniston, or a Kerry Washington (ie. "girl next door") type.

That's why I feel like self-proclaimed "bachelors" like Leo DiCaprio (and prior to marriage...George Clooney) haven't reached the point where they are really looking to settle down yet. They are still just going for the "physical" ONLY. A man won't settle on attraction, but a more discerning man who's really serious about getting married will look at OTHER qualities in a woman that would make a good wife.

Also, it depends on the man's paradigm. Many men will forgo the pretty face and hot physical attraction for a feminine woman who will make them feel good about themselves or if they spend a lot of time with them.

Oh definitely!

Most men will not be settling down with a "super HOT" wife. I mean, if that were the case then most women these days would NOT be married lol There has to come to a point where the man faces "reality" and realizes that you're most likely not going to marry Beyonce.

The point I was making however is, that man very RARELY ever settle when it comes to ATTRACTION. Notice I said ATTRACTION...not necessarily "looks". Of course a woman's looks is definitely a HUGE factor (I don't think a man would be drawn to want to date a woman who he felt was "ugly" in his eyes lol), but remember.... the way a woman carries herself, interacts with him, the vibe she gives off, her personality, that's all wrapped up into "attraction".

Also, a feminine spirit is VERY VERY attractive to a man. That's why sometimes you'll see women like for example Sophia Loren, who are not all that FACIALLY gorgeous (there are MANY more naturally gorgeous women around), but who still make men weak in the knees because of the way they carry themselves, their sex appeal, how they FEEL about themselves, the "vibe" they give off, etc. And if you have a nice body, that alone can be the deciding factor for some men alone You've heard of "butter-faces" before I'm sure lol.

One of my male friends was spending lots of time with a woman that was not his physical type but the black woman had a British accent and she always had immaculate looking hair and was super fem he fell for her after awhile. But you are saying that he always had something for her and it's not true that he was not physically attracted to her even though his feelings were latent?

No, what I'm saying is that when he first MET her (assuming she looked the same), he MUST have found her attractive in SOME way. He may not have been enamored with her (after all, she wasn't his usual physical type right?), but he obviously did NOT find her "ugly". Otherwise he wouldn't be dating her now. Now it's true, maybe at first she didn't catch his eye at first because he doesn't usually go for her "type", but when a man spends a lot of time with a woman he becomes more discerning because he sees her in many different lights (the good, the bad, and the ugly), and if he's really serious about finding "the one" and being in a serious relationship, then he will not discount a woman just because she's not his original type. A guy friend told me this very thing long time ago.

He may start becoming attracted to her even if she wasn't his original type. But there must have been SOMETHING there (her femininity, the way she laughs, her hair, her body, etc...whatever) that attracted him in the first place.

Some men meet a woman and automatically feel an attraction but just don't act on it because they can't (ie. they are taken, the woman is taken, it wouldn't be the right timing for things, maybe they're pursuing someone else they feel is better at the moment, etc). But believe me, MOST of the time the attraction was there on SOME level.

Case in point.... My brother-in-law told me that when he first met my sister years ago (they're now married to each other), the first thought that came to his mind was that she looked like Black Barbie lol. He thought she was "pretty", but he wasn't sure if she had anything else going for her other than her looks. We went to the same place of worship, so they soon became friends. He actually was interested in a girl who was HER friend, who more so fit his ideal (tall, light-skin, long hair, exotical, flirty, big boobs, popular, etc), and my sister was interested in HIS friend actually (he was tall, handsome, popular, etc).

My sister and her now husband were friends for at least 3 years before anything "romantic" happened between them. In fact, they swear that they had ZERO feelings for each other beforehand. In fact, my sister swore that he was like a "brother" to her. While my sister is very pretty, she wasn't really his "type" (dark-skin, slender, etc). But it was when he started to hang out with her that he realized that not only is she pretty, but she had a good head on her shoulders as well. Add on to that the fact that the OTHER girl he was actually into was full of drama, had issues, treated him like dirt, disrespected him from time to time, etc.... Whereas my sister was always drama-free, fun, laughed at his jokes, feminine, light-hearted, and always treated him with respect. I mean, it really was a no-brainer lol!! Eventually he dumped the other girl and went after my sister lol.

My point though is that it doesn't matter how "NICE" and respectful she was towards him, if a man doesn't feel SOME type of attraction towards a woman, a relationship will NOT ensue.

That's why you see so many guys just hanging around trying to be "friends" with women they secretly have a crush on. The very fact that he wants to be your FRIEND is proof enough that he secretly finds you attractive lol. Most men don't just go out seeking "female friends" just because lol.


Unless a guy has low self-esteem or doesn't feel like he can get with anything better, most men will usually go for the best that they can get with what they have to offer. Why do you think one of the FIRST questions a man asks someone who's trying to set him up on a blind date is: "what does she look like?" "Can I see her picture??" We women would want to see a picture too, but men know that if they don't like what they see in a picture, they most likely will NOT want to proceed lol.


Women however are different.... We don't always have to have a physical attraction to a man before we will give him a chance at a relationship. We may not be "feeling it" at first, but if a guy continues to treat us nicely, fits the qualities we want in a man, is confident in what he has to offer, is stable, masculine, can provide and protect, a lot of times a man can actually grow on us, and we can grow to become wildly physically attracted to him down the line.

I'll never forget in John Gray's book "Mars and Venus On a Date" where he mentions that Women are like Ovens, and Men are like Blowtorches.

Of course, there are ALWAYS going to be exceptions to every "rule", but I think he is definitely pretty spot on about this.


Here's an excerpt... (It's a long read, but I have always found it very interesting It has helped me to understand men better over the years )

Men Are Like Blowtorches, Women Are Like Ovens

When Martians and Venusians get together without understanding that they come from different planets, it is quite easy for a woman to misinterpret a man’s interest and experience repeated frustration and disappointment. Often a man will suddenly become physically attracted to a woman and then just as quickly lose interest. He is like a blowtorch that can heat up really fast and then turn off in an instant. This Martian tendency is easily misinterpreted because women are not like blowtorches. Women are like ovens. They slowly heat up and slowly cool off.

A man’s physical attraction heats up right away, while a woman takes more time.

A woman assumes that if a man is physically attracted to her, he is also interested in pursuing a relationship with her. She confuses his attention, interest, and attraction with affection or love. When this “love” is not lasting and he quickly loses interest, a woman can easily feel disappointed and unnecessarily begin to mistrust men. Unless she learns how men and women think and feel differently, she may become closed to men and thus limit her chances of finding the right man for her. Without this crucial understanding, dating for many women is a very dissatisfying and discouraging experience.

Certainly when a man is attentive to a woman, he could also be interested in having a relationship with her, but quite often he is not that discerning. To a certain extent, when he is enamored of a woman, he just likes what he sees and he wants to touch. Then he behaves in ways that most women mistakenly assume to be clear signs and signals that he is interested in having a relationship.

A MAN’S PASSIONS
Without even considering what kind of person a woman is, a man can feel a strong, passionate desire to be with her. Then, once he gets to know her, he may find that he doesn’t even like her, nor is he interested in getting to know her better. Yet when he sees her he feels a strong physical chemistry and will do almost anything for the opportunity to be with her, impress her, and make her happy. As he gets to know her, his interest and affection may quickly dissipate. (**SIDENOTE: This is probably why sometimes women complain about how a man seemed REALLY interested in her at first, or seemed really "into" the date, but then he never calls her for a second date, or he loses interest and she doesn't know why. She doesn't know why because for WOMEN, if a woman is physically attracted to a man, typically she already sees something in his PERSONALITY and qualities that is very attractive. But men don't fall in that same way. They usually see physical FIRST, and then figure out if the woman's personality is right for them second lol. )

This is commonly known as the morning-after syndrome. One day she is beautiful and radiant in every way; the next day, after a closer look, her toes are too big. Once he gets to know her, his passion dissipates, he finds something wrong with her or realizes that she is not the one for him, and he moves on. He has no idea that she thinks they are about to get married. Anyone on his planet would know that he was just physically attracted, but someone from Venus could easily misunderstand his intentions and think he was promising much more.

A WOMAN’S PASSIONS

A man’s strong physical passion, interest, and attention are easily misunderstood because women come to relationships the other way around. Women are first attracted to some aspect of who a man is and not just his body. A woman first feels interested in getting to know a man, then she feels affection, and then she feels strong physical attraction and desire. The more a woman feels mentally and emotionally attracted to a man, the more physical chemistry she will begin to feel. Since this is her experience, she mistakenly assumes that when a man is physically attracted to her, he must be mentally and emotionally attracted as well. It is hard for a woman to understand how men could be so different, but they are. On Mars, they are first attracted by the physical. The more physically attractive a woman is to a man, the less he needs to think or discern. He automatically behaves as if she is the most special woman in the world, and she believes it. He is just being in the moment and feeling his attraction. What she doesn’t know is that the next day he could be with someone who turns him on and feel the exact same feelings of attraction. Without this understanding of our differences, women assume that men are either deceptive or just superficial.

WHAT MAKES A WOMAN SPECIAL

There is something special about every woman, but what makes a woman more special to a particular man is the special chemistry he feels for her. This chemistry cannot be created. It either exists or doesn’t exist. An apple seed is an apple seed. It can’t become anything other than an apple tree. The only thing we can do is make sure we recognize its needs and give it a chance to grow. Too much water can rot the roots, while not enough will starve it. How we approach a relationship can either prevent or support the growth of attraction.

A woman first feels that she is special to a man when he feels physically attracted to her. A woman must remember that she is not that special, because there are a lot of women to whom a man can feel physically attracted. It is a good beginning, but it doesn’t necessarily mean anything more. To him, in that moment, she may be the ultimate woman of his dreams. In this case, he may believe and behave as though he were in love with who she is, but only time will tell, by giving him an opportunity to get to know her.

(**KEY POINT!**) A woman becomes more special to a man when he finds that not only is he physically attracted to her, but he also likes her. There are many women to whom he can be physically attracted, but only a smaller group with whom he can also be friends. A woman becomes even more special to him when he also finds that he is mentally attracted to who she is as a person. There are only a few women for whom he can feel all three levels of chemistry. She becomes still more special when he is able to see her as an imperfect person but also lovable. Even at difficult times in their relationship, when he is not getting what he needs from her, he is able to still see the good in her and feel his love for her. This kind of unconditional love makes her very special. Then, within this very small and special group, his soul picks one to share his life. It is then that a woman is most special to a man.

I remember a guy telling me last year that all his male friends said that the women had to have the four plus factor. I was like what is the four plus factor, he said, "face, body, legs and overall looks". He said men will take two out of the four and negotiate for other things. He said but if the woman has the four plus factor that is the hardest to find.

Oh wow!!! Never heard of this before, but it basically reiterates what I've been saying. Notice how he didn't say anything about her personality??

Of course men who have dated a while know that looks are NOT everything, and like I said, a truly DISCERNING man who's serious about settling down will not just be looking at the physical. But those same men will not settle on being with a woman who they personally are not attracted to. She doesn't have to be a 10 or a fantasy woman, but he HAS to feel attracted to her. Otherwise, it just won't work. NOT in the long-run at least.

 

[Kimbosheart]

I love her Southern name.

Some of my white Southern friends have the most girly/feminine mannerisms. It's cute. I've never paid much attention to see if it was authentic or just a way of being that's in their genes.

Regarding men having a type and physical attraction being their sticking point. I think we shouldn't over complicate the matter or spend too much time thinking about that.

My mother and my grandmother were really funny growing up and they instilled all sorts of rules in me that I thought were funny....

"our women don't call men" --> I never called a boy until I was like 23

but... if we like him then he must have some opportunity to taste our cooking or see some other talent. I baked a lot of cookies in high school. I was boy crazy. And in college, we had a ton of dinner parties at our little apartment.

Another rule, grandma did not allow my aunt, my older cousin or me (when I was old enough) to do any lamenting about a guy and how he feels about us out loud. We did not talk about it, in her house, to her or on the phone with our friends. I was at my grandma's house recently and she got on my younger cousin for texting to her friends, presumably about a boy. And my gay cousin, she got on him because she read some facebook posts about his romantic relationships (so I guess she considers him the feminine one).

So funny how I remember this now but I guess it was helpful. But I say all that to say. Is that maybe the natural order of things is that we shouldn't know if we are or aren't his "type" and we should always know if he finds us beautiful and attractive if he is with us romantically.

Looking back and reprogramming the stuff that's been in my head during my late twenties. I think the best way to do this is that whole bit about self-love. Look your absolute best every day no matter what, get plenty of rest, eat foods that keep you energetic (I'm currently in a caffeine slump and it's not pretty), be kind and gracious to everyone, be thankful for your blessing and smile. I really think it could be that simple and not requiring much analysis or debate.

 

[Kimbosheart]

Perhaps, I can word it differently.

I don't want to even think about if he is attracted to me. I should know because he applied.

Like a job hunt. The best position to be in--is turning away resumes, rather than submitting multiple applications. My feminine ideal is for men to be submitting applications and women deciding which applicant they will accept for a particular job. We shouldn't be putting in any resumes ladies. We should be the corporation. So great at what we do (being a woman), that we make men want to apply for a job to work there.

 

[ladysaraii]

Perhaps, I can word it differently.

I don't want to even think about if he is attracted to me. I should know because he applied.

Like a job hunt. The best position to be in--is turning away resumes, rather than submitting multiple applications. My feminine ideal is for men to be submitting applications and women deciding which applicant they will accept for a particular job. We shouldn't be putting in any resumes ladies. We should be the corporation. So great at what we do (being a woman), that we make men want to apply for a job to work there.

I agree.

This is why I said so long ago upthread that I found The Rules freeing. Now I don't love them exactly as written and I believe in taking license to shape them to my needs, but there is something very simple and freeing in operating this way. Let him pursue, don't be the chaser, don't spend time agonizing over what ifs or why nots, just take care of yourself and take notice of what he's telling/showing you.

 

[almond eyes]

Kimbosheart, Caribeandiva and Crystalicequeen 123: okay you guys should do a dear........section and answer questions. I love your insights. Also, generous of your time. You need to turn that into a following. I think so many black women we tend to get some very bad dating advise and it is helpful to get different perspectives.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[caribeandiva]

I don't want to even think about if he is attracted to me. I should know because he applied.

I love that! I'm stealing it

 

[almond eyes]

Yep, I know don't over think the attraction thing it is there or not with a guy and sometimes yes it is there but he sees something in the personality that he knows might not mesh. I think that is what often messes me up but in the end if a man feels that his personality is not suited towards you, you should be grateful and move on to the man who will be more equally yolked with you.

Best,
Almond Eyes

I love her Southern name.

Some of my white Southern friends have the most girly/feminine mannerisms. It's cute. I've never paid much attention to see if it was authentic or just a way of being that's in their genes.

Regarding men having a type and physical attraction being their sticking point. I think we shouldn't over complicate the matter or spend too much time thinking about that.

My mother and my grandmother were really funny growing up and they instilled all sorts of rules in me that I thought were funny....

"our women don't call men" --> I never called a boy until I was like 23

but... if we like him then he must have some opportunity to taste our cooking or see some other talent. I baked a lot of cookies in high school. I was boy crazy. And in college, we had a ton of dinner parties at our little apartment.

Another rule, grandma did not allow my aunt, my older cousin or me (when I was old enough) to do any lamenting about a guy and how he feels about us out loud. We did not talk about it, in her house, to her or on the phone with our friends. I was at my grandma's house recently and she got on my younger cousin for texting to her friends, presumably about a boy. And my gay cousin, she got on him because she read some facebook posts about his romantic relationships (so I guess she considers him the feminine one).

So funny how I remember this now but I guess it was helpful. But I say all that to say. Is that maybe the natural order of things is that we shouldn't know if we are or aren't his "type" and we should always know if he finds us beautiful and attractive if he is with us romantically.

Looking back and reprogramming the stuff that's been in my head during my late twenties. I think the best way to do this is that whole bit about self-love. Look your absolute best every day no matter what, get plenty of rest, eat foods that keep you energetic (I'm currently in a caffeine slump and it's not pretty), be kind and gracious to everyone, be thankful for your blessing and smile. I really think it could be that simple and not requiring much analysis or debate.

 

[almond eyes]

Thanks for the story about your sister and then juxtaposing it with the Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.

Best,
Almond Eyes

Interesting points you brought up @almond eyes !

That's why I'm glad we all can discuss our opinions on here in an insightful and encouraging way, because sometimes there are other ways of seeing things that people will point out. Everything isn't set in stone, so these are just my personal opinions based on what I've personally observed, read, and what men have told me over the years.

I'll try to address some of your questions.....



Oh sure!!! I mean, what a guy wants at age 21 is definitely going to be DRASTICALLY different when he's age 35. Unless he is still very immature, lacks a lot of dating experience, or has commitment issues, most men are looking for MORE than just "a pretty face" when they reach the age where they want to settle down, start a family, etc. A guy may want a Beyonce or a Pamela Anderson type, but he might end up marrying a Jennifer Aniston, or a Kerry Washington (ie. "girl next door") type.

That's why I feel like self-proclaimed "bachelors" like Leo DiCaprio (and prior to marriage...George Clooney) haven't reached the point where they are really looking to settle down yet. They are still just going for the "physical" ONLY. A man won't settle on attraction, but a more discerning man who's really serious about getting married will look at OTHER qualities in a woman that would make a good wife.



Oh definitely!

Most men will not be settling down with a "super HOT" wife. I mean, if that were the case then most women these days would NOT be married lol There has to come to a point where the man faces "reality" and realizes that you're most likely not going to marry Beyonce.

The point I was making however is, that man very RARELY ever settle when it comes to ATTRACTION. Notice I said ATTRACTION...not necessarily "looks". Of course a woman's looks is definitely a HUGE factor (I don't think a man would be drawn to want to date a woman who he felt was "ugly" in his eyes lol), but remember.... the way a woman carries herself, interacts with him, the vibe she gives off, her personality, that's all wrapped up into "attraction".

Also, a feminine spirit is VERY VERY attractive to a man. That's why sometimes you'll see women like for example Sophia Loren, who are not all that FACIALLY gorgeous (there are MANY more naturally gorgeous women around), but who still make men weak in the knees because of the way they carry themselves, their sex appeal, how they FEEL about themselves, the "vibe" they give off, etc. And if you have a nice body, that alone can be the deciding factor for some men alone You've heard of "butter-faces" before I'm sure lol.




No, what I'm saying is that when he first MET her (assuming she looked the same), he MUST have found her attractive in SOME way. He may not have been enamored with her (after all, she wasn't his usual physical type right?), but he obviously did NOT find her "ugly". Otherwise he wouldn't be dating her now. Now it's true, maybe at first she didn't catch his eye at first because he doesn't usually go for her "type", but when a man spends a lot of time with a woman he becomes more discerning because he sees her in many different lights (the good, the bad, and the ugly), and if he's really serious about finding "the one" and being in a serious relationship, then he will not discount a woman just because she's not his original type. A guy friend told me this very thing long time ago.

He may start becoming attracted to her even if she wasn't his original type. But there must have been SOMETHING there (her femininity, the way she laughs, her hair, her body, etc...whatever) that attracted him in the first place.

Some men meet a woman and automatically feel an attraction but just don't act on it because they can't (ie. they are taken, the woman is taken, it wouldn't be the right timing for things, maybe they're pursuing someone else they feel is better at the moment, etc). But believe me, MOST of the time the attraction was there on SOME level.

Case in point.... My brother-in-law told me that when he first met my sister years ago (they're now married to each other), the first thought that came to his mind was that she looked like Black Barbie lol. He thought she was "pretty", but he wasn't sure if she had anything else going for her other than her looks. We went to the same place of worship, so they soon became friends. He actually was interested in a girl who was HER friend, who more so fit his ideal (tall, light-skin, long hair, exotical, flirty, big boobs, popular, etc), and my sister was interested in HIS friend actually (he was tall, handsome, popular, etc).

My sister and her now husband were friends for at least 3 years before anything "romantic" happened between them. In fact, they swear that they had ZERO feelings for each other beforehand. In fact, my sister swore that he was like a "brother" to her. While my sister is very pretty, she wasn't really his "type" (dark-skin, slender, etc). But it was when he started to hang out with her that he realized that not only is she pretty, but she had a good head on her shoulders as well. Add on to that the fact that the OTHER girl he was actually into was full of drama, had issues, treated him like dirt, disrespected him from time to time, etc.... Whereas my sister was always drama-free, fun, laughed at his jokes, feminine, light-hearted, and always treated him with respect. I mean, it really was a no-brainer lol!! Eventually he dumped the other girl and went after my sister lol.

My point though is that it doesn't matter how "NICE" and respectful she was towards him, if a man doesn't feel SOME type of attraction towards a woman, a relationship will NOT ensue.

That's why you see so many guys just hanging around trying to be "friends" with women they secretly have a crush on. The very fact that he wants to be your FRIEND is proof enough that he secretly finds you attractive lol. Most men don't just go out seeking "female friends" just because lol.


Unless a guy has low self-esteem or doesn't feel like he can get with anything better, most men will usually go for the best that they can get with what they have to offer. Why do you think one of the FIRST questions a man asks someone who's trying to set him up on a blind date is: "what does she look like?" "Can I see her picture??" We women would want to see a picture too, but men know that if they don't like what they see in a picture, they most likely will NOT want to proceed lol.


Women however are different.... We don't always have to have a physical attraction to a man before we will give him a chance at a relationship. We may not be "feeling it" at first, but if a guy continues to treat us nicely, fits the qualities we want in a man, is confident in what he has to offer, is stable, masculine, can provide and protect, a lot of times a man can actually grow on us, and we can grow to become wildly physically attracted to him down the line.

I'll never forget in John Gray's book "Mars and Venus On a Date" where he mentions that Women are like Ovens, and Men are like Blowtorches.

Of course, there are ALWAYS going to be exceptions to every "rule", but I think he is definitely pretty spot on about this.


Here's an excerpt... (It's a long read, but I have always found it very interesting It has helped me to understand men better over the years )






Oh wow!!! Never heard of this before, but it basically reiterates what I've been saying. Notice how he didn't say anything about her personality??

Of course men who have dated a while know that looks are NOT everything, and like I said, a truly DISCERNING man who's serious about settling down will not just be looking at the physical. But those same men will not settle on being with a woman who they personally are not attracted to. She doesn't have to be a 10 or a fantasy woman, but he HAS to feel attracted to her. Otherwise, it just won't work. NOT in the long-run at least.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I love her Southern name.

Some of my white Southern friends have the most girly/feminine mannerisms. It's cute. I've never paid much attention to see if it was authentic or just a way of being that's in their genes.

I could be wrong, but I honestly think it's just the "Southern way" of being lol. Just like usually the men down in the south are more "gentlemanly" as well. I think the gender roles are still very much instilled down there in a lot of ways, and it can be seen by how the women act and how men behave. I don't think the term "Southern Belle" came from out of thin air haha. It's an air of femininity that I think they have much more in droves as opposed to say someone from the North like NYC for example. lol No offense to northerners, but there is a slight difference in how the women carry themselves there as opposed to down in the south. Maybe it's the weather? Idk....

Either way, I think ANY woman can incorporate more feminine ways of being regardless of her upbringing or environment. It may take more practice for some, but it's not impossible. I think it's innate in us as women in general for the most part. You just have to WANT to do it. There are some women who just don't WANT to be feminine (for whatever reason), and that's OKAY. But for the rest of us who DO, I think all it takes is practice.

Another rule, grandma did not allow my aunt, my older cousin or me (when I was old enough) to do any lamenting about a guy and how he feels about us out loud. We did not talk about it, in her house, to her or on the phone with our friends.

Hmmm.....that's very interesting!!!

I have tried this in the past as well, but I always broke down because I just HAD to talk to a friend about a "new guy" I was seeing or interested in. Is there any reason why in particular your grandmother didn't want you guys talking/lamenting about guys? What was her reasoning behind that? I'm very curious...

So funny how I remember this now but I guess it was helpful. But I say all that to say. Is that maybe the natural order of things is that we shouldn't know if we are or aren't his "type" and we should always know if he finds us beautiful and attractive if he is with us romantically.

For me personally, I don't really care whether I'm originally a man's "type" or not, because I know that if he's with me, he must find me attractive.

See, the thing is...men may THINK they know what they want, or what their "type" is, but I've noticed that what a man says he wants and what he actually MARRIES are two totally different things! So, I honestly don't care about what a man's type is lol. I've seen way too many men marry women who weren't their type to think too deeply about it. A lot of times, when a man really thinks about marriage and settling down, he'll find that even the women he thought were his "type" changes. Maybe those types of women did him wrong, maybe he realized those types he always went after were usually superficial or gave him lots of drama. I think a man can have VARIOUS "types" and feel chemistry with various different types of women. I don't think it's set in stone in other words. So, whether I was his original type or not doesn't make me feel any sort of way, because I know that men don't usually "settle", so if he's with me then he must be physically attracted to me. That's another reason why I don't chase men. He has to initiate things.

Looking back and reprogramming the stuff that's been in my head during my late twenties. I think the best way to do this is that whole bit about self-love. Look your absolute best every day no matter what, get plenty of rest, eat foods that keep you energetic (I'm currently in a caffeine slump and it's not pretty), be kind and gracious to everyone, be thankful for your blessing and smile. I really think it could be that simple and not requiring much analysis or debate.

Yep, I really think this is key!

Perhaps, I can word it differently.

I don't want to even think about if he is attracted to me. I should know because he applied.

Like a job hunt. The best position to be in--is turning away resumes, rather than submitting multiple applications. My feminine ideal is for men to be submitting applications and women deciding which applicant they will accept for a particular job. We shouldn't be putting in any resumes ladies. We should be the corporation. So great at what we do (being a woman), that we make men want to apply for a job to work there.

OMG I LOVE this analogy!!!!!

I'm going to use this! Very great analogy. When I think of dating in THIS way, I now see just how unattractive it is for a woman (the company) to be chasing after a man (the applicant). It just doesn't feel right. The APPLICANT should be the one going after the job, not the other way around!

Isn't it true that if a company solicits you for a job (without you even asking) and wants to hire you right off the bat, you get a little skeptical? I know I would be.... I would wonder if it's a scam, or if there's something wrong with the company haha. I didn't even apply and some guy is calling me/or emailing me trying to give me a position? I would wonder why the company is so desperate. Is it a revolving door? ARe they about to go under?

The same with dating.

I love the company analogy. Very nice!

I agree.

This is why I said so long ago upthread that I found The Rules freeing. Now I don't love them exactly as written and I believe in taking license to shape them to my needs, but there is something very simple and freeing in operating this way. Let him pursue, don't be the chaser, don't spend time agonizing over what ifs or why nots, just take care of yourself and take notice of what he's telling/showing you.

YES!!! Same here.... I started a "Rules Thread" on this board a few years ago, and the response was HUGE lol! The feedback from the ladies on here was definitely eye-opening and mind-blowing.

I'm not a HUGE fan of following "The Rules" strictly either, but I have to give authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider their props, because they are ON POINT with a lot of the info and advice they give in the book. I take the advice and modify it to modern day times, but the principle is the SAME. Men don't like to be chased. I feel so FREE when I read "The Rules" and allow men to come to me. Basically, have a life lol.

My only question however to you ladies and to @Kimbosheart especially is..... What if you (the corporation) is always only getting crappy applicants?? What is going on in that situation? Am I advertising my "company" the wrong way? Does my company not look attractive for a suitable, highly-talented applicant? Am I not offering a 401k and benefits?? What is it???
I find that I have no problem attracting guys (well, at least I certainly didn't in my homestate.....), but it's the QUALITY of guys that seem to be lacking. I don't care about quantity. It's QUALITY that I'm looking for. Many just don't seem to be what I'm looking to hire.... I'm not looking for perfection either. But some don't even come close. It's discouraging at times.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Thanks for the story about your sister and then juxtaposing it with the Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.

Best,
Almond Eyes

You're welcome!

I've actually learned a LOT about men from that book. I find that sometimes the best way to know about how a lot of men think is to talk to or read books written by men lol. He seems to know quite a bit about women as well. I'm always surprised when I read his book how he is spot on about a lot of things.

Like I said, every situation is different, so no need to over analyze anything, but it's just very interesting how you notice certain patterns in how men think/what they do/how they reason. This book and the TQC book have definitely opened my eyes to how men think. I don't take what they do too personally anymore.

 

[ladysaraii]

My only question however to you ladies and to @Kimbosheart especially is..... What if you (the corporation) is always only getting crappy applicants?? What is going on in that situation? Am I advertising my "company" the wrong way? Does my company not look attractive for a suitable, highly-talented applicant? Am I not offering a 401k and benefits?? What is it???
I find that I have no problem attracting guys (well, at least I certainly didn't in my homestate.....), but it's the QUALITY of guys that seem to be lacking. I don't care about quantity. It's QUALITY that I'm looking for. Many just don't seem to be what I'm looking to hire.... I'm not looking for perfection either. But some don't even come close. It's discouraging at times.

I would think that either 1) I'm not advertising my company properly (or for the market) or the 2) the market doesn't support my company. If that's the case, I might need to look into either rebranding or considering moving locations to somewhere better. But I'd look more at what I was putting out before I up and moved.

 

[almond eyes]

I would think that either 1) I'm not advertising my company properly (or for the market) or the 2) the market doesn't support my company. If that's the case, I might need to look into either rebranding or considering moving locations to somewhere better. But I'd look more at what I was putting out before I up and moved.

Brilliantly said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Women treat yourself like a fortune 500 company.

Yes.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[almond eyes]

On a note of digression. I was catching a sneak preview of the Talk and I noticed for their Halloween edition that Sheryl is dressing up as a man (James Brown). Now either she chose the costume or it was chosen for her but I was thinking, why Sheryl why are we continuing to subconsciously enforce stereotypes that black women are manly.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I would think that either 1) I'm not advertising my company properly (or for the market) or the 2) the market doesn't support my company. If that's the case, I might need to look into either rebranding or considering moving locations to somewhere better. But I'd look more at what I was putting out before I up and moved.

You're probably right.... I may have to look at "marketing" my company better or looking for applicants in other areas.

I can't really move locations anytime soon (I just moved 2 years ago to a new state), but maybe I can venture out some more to different areas for a visit.

On a note of digression. I was catching a sneak preview of the Talk and I noticed for their Halloween edition that Sheryl is dressing up as a man (James Brown). Now either she chose the costume or it was chosen for her but I was thinking, why Sheryl why are we continuing to subconsciously enforce stereotypes that black women are manly.


Best,
Almond Eyes

Ugh....I hate this!

Black women are already stereotyped as being more "masculine", I would have REFUSED to have gone on national TV like this. No way...... I would not have agreed to that. I would have told them to choose another costume for me please. I can't imagine her wanting to dress up like James Brown on her own would she?? That's something the producers must have wanted??

Either way......no way. I just wouldn't have dressed up. I hate Halloween anyway.

Any pictures?

 

[Kimbosheart]

Kimbosheart, Caribeandiva and Crystalicequeen 123: okay you guys should do a dear........section and answer questions. I love your insights. Also, generous of your time. You need to turn that into a following. I think so many black women we tend to get some very bad dating advise and it is helpful to get different perspectives.

Best,
Almond Eyes

Thank you for the compliment. My mom and grandmother are sadly both widows, but they had successful marriages to men who adored them. My grandmother is 86 and she has a boyfriend who takes her on trips and wants to marry her. I will say my love life dramatically improved when I started to follow their advice when I was having a problem or needed help. I used to take them for granted, my mother was married very young, but now I see their wisdom.

Interestingly enough, I have said a million times that the information from Alison Armstrong was "nothing new" or "something you've heard a million times" and some of their advice is very similar to hers.

I have tried this in the past as well, but I always broke down because I just HAD to talk to a friend about a "new guy" I was seeing or interested in. Is there any reason why in particular your grandmother didn't want you guys talking/lamenting about guys? What was her reasoning behind that? I'm very curious...

I would guess a few reasons. She's from an era where things are kept very private. She didn't want us to look/sound desperate, or worry about it, or go down that path to start to worry. She always said things will work out the way they are supposed to. And no one was ever good enough for us anyway so she would just be upset to see us distressed over some poor boy.

For me, I love it because words have power and thoughts become things. So if I constantly stressed about something happening or not, or does he like me, or what is he doing over there that's just creating that energy.

For me personally, I don't really care whether I'm originally a man's "type" or not, because I know that if he's with me, he must find me attractive.

See, the thing is...men may THINK they know what they want, or what their "type" is, but I've noticed that what a man says he wants and what he actually MARRIES are two totally different things! So, I honestly don't care about what a man's type is lol. I've seen way too many men marry women who weren't their type to think too deeply about it. A lot of times, when a man really thinks about marriage and settling down, he'll find that even the women he thought were his "type" changes. Maybe those types of women did him wrong, maybe he realized those types he always went after were usually superficial or gave him lots of drama. I think a man can have VARIOUS "types" and feel chemistry with various different types of women. I don't think it's set in stone in other words. So, whether I was his original type or not doesn't make me feel any sort of way, because I know that men don't usually "settle", so if he's with me then he must be physically attracted to me. That's another reason why I don't chase men. He has to initiate things.

All of the bolded is a non-factor in my mental space when it comes to this issue. And that's what I mean with the corporation analogy. A company does not look for any insight into why you submitted your resume. The number one reason is because you want to work there. They just want to see if you are a good fit for the job.

I want to be so focused on enjoying my time that I don't need any insight into "most men" "men may think" "men say" about what women they choose to apply for. He is applying, he better polish up his resume or raise his GPA. It could all be so simple.

My only question however to you ladies and to @Kimbosheart especially is..... What if you (the corporation) is always only getting crappy applicants?? What is going on in that situation? Am I advertising my "company" the wrong way? Does my company not look attractive for a suitable, highly-talented applicant? Am I not offering a 401k and benefits?? What is it???
I find that I have no problem attracting guys (well, at least I certainly didn't in my homestate.....), but it's the QUALITY of guys that seem to be lacking. I don't care about quantity. It's QUALITY that I'm looking for. Many just don't seem to be what I'm looking to hire.... I'm not looking for perfection either. But some don't even come close. It's discouraging at times.

Ok first @Crystalicequeen123 how do you do these multi-reply posts regularly. This is almost above my technical expertise.

Now to answer you question. Crappy applicants.

Am I advertising the wrong way? --> potentially. But then my mind turns to marketing and what is the number one best form of advertising? Word of mouth. Nothing beats a personal recommendation. But I wouldn't use that as my final answer. I don't know you in real life. But if I did and you felt comfortable enough to ask me that question, I would give the following advice. You should not be advertising for the sake of advertising you are a women and not a corporation. You will survive and thrive as a women regardless of profits and losses. There is no particular look or style you need to adopt in your hair or makeup or clothes. So don't think of "advertising" in the business sense of outward things. I would think of advertising in much the same way Alison does. Charmed and enchanting, having a life you are proud of (even if its a work in progress), being true to yourself and your boundaries, being open and grateful. Now that I'm learning about receiving, I see how important that "being open" part is. You yourself have to be open enough to see past the first impression to receive all there could be for you.

As a corporation, what I learned in grad school is to focus on your brand. Be the best in the industry at what you do or have such a unique product that you are the gold standard for consumers. Google has such a great reputation as an employer-- their products aren't overly unique. Apple has sex appeal and the allure of being exclusive. So you could do the same thing by just cultivating you. If you're busy developing this product or reputation you won't be worried about applicants. They will be attracted to you like magnets. Be focused on things that put you in the best moods, be forgiving, be grateful, be generous. I think those qualities in a women attract quality men. Put forth "your best" presentation. One you are in love with, it doesn't matter the number of male responses you get. When I'm feeling myself, they are feeling me- guaranteed. Keep having fun! You never know what future job applicant is looking at you and trying to get his grades up so he can apply.

Now about this benefits package: You better know that all of you, the good, the bad and the ugly, is the benefit and it has the highest rate of return over a 401K, Roth, SEP.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I would guess a few reasons. She's from an era where things are kept very private. She didn't want us to look/sound desperate, or worry about it, or go down that path to start to worry. She always said things will work out the way they are supposed to. And no one was ever good enough for us anyway so she would just be upset to see us distressed over some poor boy.

For me, I love it because words have power and thoughts become things. So if I constantly stressed about something happening or not, or does he like me, or what is he doing over there that's just creating that energy.

That is very sage advice. I definitely agree with her there.

You're so right too.....the LOA...Thoughts become things. I think that's one of my main issues. I think too much lol

All of the bolded is a non-factor in my mental space when it comes to this issue. And that's what I mean with the corporation analogy. A company does not look for any insight into why you submitted your resume. The number one reason is because you want to work there. They just want to see if you are a good fit for the job.

I want to be so focused on enjoying my time that I don't need any insight into "most men" "men may think" "men say" about what women they choose to apply for. He is applying, he better polish up his resume or raise his GPA. It could all be so simple.

True lol! I'm so "analytical"....something I am trying to tone down (especially since being on this Feminine Challenge ), but that's how I've always been. I always look into the how's, why's, and what's of things. I guess it's due to my background in Psychology

But you're right...it should be a non-entity. Sometimes I think OVER-thinking things can actually be a hindrance at finding love. Thanks to CITO I know what I need to work on, and I'm getting better. It's just challenging sometimes to turn around old patterns.

But I may look into that "thoughts become things" quote some more because that is definitely one thing I remembered from "The Secret".

Ok first @Crystalicequeen123 how do you do these multi-reply posts regularly. This is almost above my technical expertise.

Oh....I just hit "reply" at the end of everyone's posts lol

Now to answer you question. Crappy applicants.

Am I advertising the wrong way? --> potentially. But then my mind turns to marketing and what is the number one best form of advertising? Word of mouth. Nothing beats a personal recommendation. But I wouldn't use that as my final answer. I don't know you in real life. But if I did and you felt comfortable enough to ask me that question, I would give the following advice. You should not be advertising for the sake of advertising you are a women and not a corporation. You will survive and thrive as a women regardless of profits and losses. There is no particular look or style you need to adopt in your hair or makeup or clothes. So don't think of "advertising" in the business sense of outward things. I would think of advertising in much the same way Alison does. Charmed and enchanting, having a life you are proud of (even if its a work in progress), being true to yourself and your boundaries, being open and grateful. Now that I'm learning about receiving, I see how important that "being open" part is. You yourself have to be open enough to see past the first impression to receive all there could be for you.

As a corporation, what I learned in grad school is to focus on your brand. Be the best in the industry at what you do or have such a unique product that you are the gold standard for consumers. Google has such a great reputation as an employer-- their products aren't overly unique. Apple has sex appeal and the allure of being exclusive. So you could do the same thing by just cultivating you. If you're busy developing this product or reputation you won't be worried about applicants. They will be attracted to you like magnets. Be focused on things that put you in the best moods, be forgiving, be grateful, be generous. I think those qualities in a women attract quality men. Put forth "your best" presentation. One you are in love with, it doesn't matter the number of male responses you get. When I'm feeling myself, they are feeling me- guaranteed. Keep having fun! You never know what future job applicant is looking at you and trying to get his grades up so he can apply.

Now about this benefits package: You better know that all of you, the good, the bad and the ugly, is the benefit and it has the highest rate of return over a 401K, Roth, SEP.

Such a great analogy! I especially love the parts in bold. Thanks for the tips! I've been working on focusing more on myself this year, and I definitely feel a LOT happier, and more self-aware.

I guess I was wondering more about inner qualities when it comes to presentation/advertising. I already know what to do with the outer me lol. Like I said, I usually don't have trouble attracting a guy or having him thinking I'm "pretty" or "cute" or whatever. It's finding QUALITY men.

But you're right...I'll just continue focusing on ME and won't even worry about who's applying (or not applying). I'll be fine either way.