Sorry. I don't want this thread to die either. So I'll make more of an effort to post on here too.
We hit it off instantly, and I think the trip with us all is going to go very nicely because we're all such a bunch of great ladies. Maybe it's just that foreign-born women seem to be more "feminine" in general than American women I think lol. Idk... just something I've noticed. For example, Lupita N'yongo seems to be more feminine than most as well. IDK what it is about foreign women. Maybe it's just my imagination. That's when I realized.... "Crystal...you need to do better" 
I need to step UP my game! I used to be so much more feminine and less jaded by life when I was in my 20's and hadn't been through so much...drama. Not only that, but back in my homestate I was making more money so I could actually AFFORD to get my chemical hair services touched up every 3 months, my hair done at the salon every 2 weeks, and my mani's and pedi's done every 3 weeks or so. Now days??? Ever since I moved out of state, I'm not making half as much salary-wise as I used to, and so I feel like I've kind of let myself go. 
I've gained a few extra lbs, I never get mani's or pedi's anymore, and I've just kind of even stopped exercising as regularly. 
I'm just being honest y'all lol. It's in me naturally, but I just have to focus on bringing it OUT more. I may not have the funds to get mani's and pedi's every 2 weeks, but I can sure buy some nail polish and polish my own nails... I may not be able to afford a salon service every 2 weeks, but I can sure make sure that I look after and take care of my OWN natural hair, grow it LONG, and keep it looking nice and fresh. I even woke up a little earlier this morning and went and did about 30 min of walking/jogging in my neighborhood before work. 
I know I need to work on that some haha. So, I'll be working on not only the inner self (with all of these books), but also on the outer self more as well. 
Yea, they get to me too. It's the same thing every time after the session. He goes and massages her feet in his lap. I mean seriously...how many times does it have to repeat that?? LOL! I could do w/out the Claudia and her husband/slave (ooops...did I say that?? ) scenes haha. I mean it's sweet when you read it once or twice... but when it's after EVERY session??? It's like goodness haha...... Alison could have changed up the formula/routine a little bit lol.
Sorry to hear about that creep that was snapping pictures of you at the mall...smh
The book CAN be a bit overwhelming sometimes. Plus, it's hard for me to put into practice the exercises because I'm not dating anyone right now, so I'm not around enough men in order to practice this stuff with. I work with men in the office, but I'm not usually castrating them....or, at least I don't think I am. One woman made a post (not on here...on another site) about how all men are like "toddlers", and that you have to "train" them, otherwise they will just try to get away with anything. I just 
and thought to myself... "frog farmer!!" Whenever a man is (in my mind) "behaving badly", one of the FIRST things I ask myself now is: "is there a good REASON for why he is doing what he is doing?" Honestly, a lot of times women think men are being rude ON PURPOSE (because see....women are more passive in that way lol), but with men, I'm guessing that a lot of the time they're not intentionally trying to be rude or do things that will make you upset. I think a lot of times it's a miscommunication, or maybe something that is taking more priority for them at the moment, and for us as women we see it as them ignoring the issue or deliberately not doing what WE would like them to do.
I used to be more like "that girl" in the OT threads, but lately I've just been "invisible girl". After it ended in late 2009, I basically didn't want anything to do w/men at that time lol. ) compared to the attention I would get when my hair was relaxed, I just sort of gradually ended up becoming "invisible" (I feel) to men. Guys on the metro would visibly turn their heads when they caught glimpses of me with my short, natural hair. Then, (as if that wasn't bad enough) I moved to SoCal, where you're pretty much "invisible" as a bw anyway lol. So, I just started getting used to feeling "invisible" to men I guess. When you start feeling invisible to men, you stop trying. What's the use?? 
, but if you're in a school environment, I don't think there's anything wrong with wearing a nice skirt or summer dress every now and then. Are the boys in your school really that bad?? What do they do? IS there a way to establish boundaries and RESPECT that doesn't entail in you having to change your wardrobe to one that is androgynous?? Before reading TQC I used to feel like I should do that, but now I'm like...No! Why should I change!?!?? They just need to learn to control their urges and disrespectful comments! 
I'm glad you can relate @Duchesse . I don't have a job that makes me dress androgynously or anything like that, but just on average I feel like I have sort of "let myself go" over the years and it was only last night that I realized just how far I've come lol.
I honestly think the decline started after I went through a major heartbreak years ago back in 2009. I didn't want to look at men, talk to men, entertain any advances, NOTHING. I was in a rollercoaster relationship for 4 years off and on that had me in knots...being clingy, insecure, etc.
Then, when I BC'd towards the end of 2010, at first I felt feminine and went overboard to glam it up since my natural hair was so short lol. But as the years went on and I noticed the stark difference in male attention (or lack thereof I should say
So add on to that I recently had to move out on my own because my roommate got married, and I'm not making half the salary I was back home, sooo....lack of my usual finances caused me to put those "frilly things" I used to spend money on (ie. new dresses, new makeup, mani/pedi, massages, hair accessories, jewelry, salon treatments etc.) on the backburner...which is understandable. Don't get me wrong, I STILL pay money for these things....but now I probably buy them once or twice a year or DIY at home as opposed to going out to and doing these things more frequently.
But I told myself yesterday that there is NO excuse (not even low funds) to go out of the house looking like crap and not looking stylish, feminine, and PRETTY. I look back at old bw of the 1940's, 1950's, and 1960's who would look so stylish and feminine..... They probably weren't making a six-figure income or even what was considered a "high salary" back then... But they STILL kept themselves in shape, looked feminine, and made themselves looking presentable.
So yes....no more "Frump City" for me!!!
As regards to your job @Duchesse , have you ever tried wearing more feminine clothes to work? If so, what was the response??
This may be wishful thinking, but based on what I've been reading in the books on femininity, I think that women should be able to wear whatever they feel like wearing (especially something as normal as a woman wearing "feminine" clothing----hello??) in whatever environment they are in. Now if you were working in a jail cell I would probably advise not to wear frilly dresses lol
After all, you could be teaching them a valuable lesson for their adult life. They should learn to respect women, no matter WHAT they are wearing. Especially if you are in a position of authority. I don't think women should have to "butch" themselves in order to be taken seriously smh.
I didn't have to make his "moods" about ME. Even if he WAS mad at me, instead of me also getting mad and ignoring him, snapping back at him, giving him the cold shoulder (even when he was trying to apologize/or make amends), I should have been forgiving and calmly and respectfully stated my boundaries and expectations in a classy and feminine way. Of course, we don't use that power abusively, but it's definitely a very freeing feeling. When you feel powerful, you don't have to pick up the sword, or emasculate men, because you know you possess power all on your own. I HATED that awkward "in-between" stage my natural hair was in! 
Although I don't like short hair on me, I found that I looked more chic with a short afro or twist-out than I did when my hair was in that weird awkward in between stage (not quite short, not quite long). That's why I'm scared to ever cut my hair again. I can't do the in-between stage.) if I want to have any hope of seeing any hair growth or retention. I find that men DO tend to respect me more when I'm dressed like a lady. It's a different TYPE of respect. I can't explain it. But I feel like the Queen Bee lol. I think I was so focused on changing my inner self (which is the best place to start btw) that somewhere along the lines I forgot to focus on the OUTER me as well lol! It took a little Korean girl to "wake me up" I guess haha. Because she kept herself slim, she could still shop in the junior section (hello, cheaper clothes!) at Forever 21 or Aeropostal lol. (Yet ANOTHER reason to keep slender 
) She never complained about what she didn't have or what she WISHED she could buy. She just always seemed perfectly fine w/what she had even though she didn't grow up with much. She also always had a slew of guys chasing after her... probably because she hardly ever gave them the time of day lol I think they thought she was sexy because she EXUDED confidence!! I'll be honest, I never really noticed it before because I usually always had nice jobs, had money, and grew up in an upper-middle class family. But now that my finances are lower than expected, I now see how I can take from her example. I'm going to become a DIY woman!! So don't let a lack of funds prevent you from looking your best EVERY single day.
I'm trying to have more positivity and exude more confidence and femininity in my life. I don't need to be clicking into threads reading about how black men think that black women are the "lowest" women on the totem pole, or how they don't want us, or how light/white women are better etc. 
I'm guilty of reading and responding on those threads, so I know it's hard NOT to look away, but I'm doing myself a favor and giving those threads a break. I don't even think I will click into those threads. I may also take a break from my social media outlets for a little bit (ie. Twitter, Instagram, etc). I already got rid of Facebook last year, and honestly, being off FB for a year was probably one of the BEST decisions I've ever made. If you're really my "friend", you will call me, you will text me, you will invite me places, you will check up on me to see how I'm doing every once in a while, etc. I only keep IG for family and friends out of state.... but fb and the privacy issues I have w/that site....is gone., I mean...how many times do we have to read nonsense like this?? I honestly think it is a detriment to us as bw and our young girls. We're strong women, so maybe we don't notice the effects the media has had on US right now...but if we're not careful, I think that continuing to fill our minds with that can subconsciously affect our self-esteem, our self worth, how we view ourselves, how we view MEN in general, etc. I'm just talking about myself personally and what I feel like I personally need to do for my own self-healing and self-improvement. I feel like some areas of the ET forum are not uplifting or conducive to bw having a healthy self image. And even if SOME men prefer/like to date non-bw...so what?? I say bless them, have a nice day, and go on about our business.. We women are QUEENS in our own right (no matter what race we are), so just because SOME men don't realize it doesn't make us any less of a Queen.
I also wanted to add too....
That I think I may just take a little bit of a break from the ET board... Or, at least a break from SOME of the threads on there.
Idk about you ladies, but I feel like if we're not careful, some boards/threads can actually be detrimental to our spirit.
My concern is, if we're not careful, we can start to internalize it...EVEN if we're against such negative talk. Psychology states that if you tell someone something often enough, they start to believe it.
Idk, I'm just musing out loud, but I feel like I have to control what I allow myself to dwell on and infiltrate my spirit, because if I'm trying to be more positive in my life, view men positively, and be a more charming, radiant, and feminine woman in general, I can't be filling my head with constant reports of bm who "hate bw", or reading news articles about how bw are the "least likely of any race women to get married",
In order for me to have a healthy relationship w/a man in the future, I need to think positively of them and also think the best about myself as well. Thankfully, I didn't grow up w/colorism within my family, but I do know that if I'm not careful, some of the mentalities of others could eventually affect me, so why should I give them the chance?? Why keep a steady diet of that in my mind??
These are just my own personal thoughts, so I hope nobody is offended or feels that I'm trying to start a "movement" lol.
Okay I'm off my soapbox now lol
Thank you!
As you know, I never mince words on here, even if it will put me in a negative light....I have to be honest. I feel like only when I am honest, then and only then can TRUE healing and self-improvement come about.
I agree that TQC as well as just this thread in general has helped me to realize that I DO have an obligation to keep myself looking good, presentable, and the best "me" that I can be...whatever that may be. I may not be able to change my hair texture, my skin tone, my height, my ethnicity, my background, or what society in general thinks about me...but by golly I can SURE control: My weight/size, my healthy eating habits, my hair health and appearance (change up with new styles and accessories), my clothing, my outward demeanor, whether I smile or not, my outlook on life, how often I complain, what my nails look like, my makeup, the list goes on and on.
YES!!! I think I have now figured this out!! When I think back and look back to prior relationships w/men, I realize that a lot of times I was the one in "control" of the tone of my interactions with them! Even if a man is behaving "rudely", there were times when I didn't have to respond back in kind. I could have just said to myself: "Well, for whatever reason he's having a 'moody moment', so let me continue to show him love and go on about my business..."
Before reading TQC I used to ALWAYS feel like MEN were the ones with all the power. But now I see that it's really WOMEN who have the "power" over men in a lot of ways lol.
Oh yes, I definitely feel your pain lol!
Plus, my hair is fine-textured, so even though I've been natural for 5 years, my hair breaks and tangles easily. So I haven't really seen a lot of growth. Plus, now that it's longer (inching closer to APL), I find that I HAVE to keep my hair in protective styles/twists now (although I hate them
Rollersets are nice, but now that my hair is longer, I need magnetic rollers and finding big magnetic rollers are difficult. I still can't seem to find the big purple ones anywhere.
Which type of wigs are these where she can pull some of her hair to the front and leave it out??
Aww thanks girlie!
Your progress sounds awesome!!!
I'm glad you found out what was missing and you made changes.
My challenge will be trying to stay feminine and staying that "it girl" while at the same time working with a reduced budget/income. It's difficult (yes), but it's not impossible. I had a childhood friend who grew up low-income. She and her single mom never really had too much money, but one thing I always noticed about her was that their apartment was always PRISTINE and CLEAN, my friend walked around like she had a million bucks in her pocket, her hair always looked DONE, she did her own nails, she kept in shape by jogging at the park and doing exercise tapes at home, and although she shopped in the lower-end stores, she ALWAYS bought really cute outfits. If you saw her walking down the street you would think she was a model and made a ton of money lol. She was fierce.
We don't have to be rich ladies in order to look GOOD and well put together.
Which type of wigs are these where she can pull some of her hair to the front and leave it out??
Thanks! I will buy that one too......@Sweetg The book: The Queen's code by Alison Armstrong might be able to save your relationship and bring back the spark.
Ladies?? lol.....
