Feminine Belles - Info/discussion/support Thread

[levette]

For the ladies who purchased from the websites or bought books have they helped you with your femininity ? Do others people notice or your dh

 

[TracyNicole]

It has been absolutely helpful. . .with men. Unfortunately I have few women I now spend time with/talk to regularly.

 

[caribeandiva]

It has been absolutely helpful. . .with men. Unfortunately I have few women I now spend time with/talk to regularly.

I noticed that too! I thought it was just me. I was telling one of my besties about some of the things I learned about men from Alison's books and powerful and feminine. She didn't agree with their teachings. So I stopped telling her. I don't know if it's because she's recently divorced but she wasn't willing to fully listen to me. So I've been keeping a lot of things to myself. @levette

 

[LoveisYou]

One of my besties is completely receptive. Actually loaned her QTC .

I have gotten more patient and less likely to make unfounded assumptions about why he does something. I just ask if I need clarification

 

[TracyNicole]

I noticed that too! I thought it was just me. I was telling one of my besties about some of the things I learned about men from Alison's books and powerful and feminine. She didn't agree with their teachings. So I stopped telling her. I don't know if it's because she's recently divorced but she wasn't willing to fully listen to me. So I've been keeping a lot of things to myself. @levette

I think you did the right thing. People have to be open to change to really hear the message in the assortment of resources we have shared with one another here.

I have been quiet for awhile because I have had a very tough time recently. Please don't quote this story. I am just posting because I want to share with people who will understand. My BFF of 18 years and I broke up recently. Three years ago we were both ball busting hard asses. Then I stumbled onto a variety of resources as a result of the wonderful conversation we were having in OT regarding femininity, women and happiness. The latest books really rocked the foundation on which my entire life has been built. At first I was hurt and confused, wondering what was going on with her. One day I was crying over it and my husband asked me why I think we had come to this point. I realized that I am the one who changed. My fundamental values are just different now. In the last three months there have been major shifts that I would say are creating pretty much a new person.

I realized that like Kimberlee, I had allowed incidents from childhood to dramatically and unduly influence the way I saw men and women. See my dad is a serial cheater. His wife always made me feel like a dirty mistake whenever he would "remember" to come get me so I could spend time with him and my brothers. They had two parents, their own room and lots of toys. I recognize now that I applied the filter I developed early on to all men. It took some time to grieve over the mistakes I have made especially the realization that my view of men also skewed my view of women and caused much heartache throughout my life. I've allowed to many relationships that were toxic to continue because I thought that was the way things are.

When I started applying the question of what if there is a reason for this and really listening to the response not just filling in the blanks, it's like a veil was lifted from my eyes. I see my husband in a completely new light and it changed things. It also makes it painful to see good, hardworking men treated poorly. It has caused me to have to step away from people and situations that I would normally have indulged in. It feels scary and lonely right now and part of me wants things to just go back to the way they used to be but the other part of me is hopeful that I can find true happiness and like minded people to form new relationships with.

I am so happy to have you ladies here. This series is definitely better read in groups. I really had no idea one little story could change so much!

 

[BK Bombshell]

@TracyNicole

I'm sorry to hear about your friendship, but I completely understand. I ended a long friendship b/c of similar issues. My former friend treated her husband like garbage. It was embarrassing to watch. When we met (I was in my teens), I'd always ask her why she treated him like that and she'd say because he's stupid - right in front of him. I always thought he'd leave at some point, but he stayed. Her kids are equally disrespectful to him. Anyway, last year, we got into a minor disagreement and she started getting really belligerent, talking over me, etc. and I knew I couldn't continue like that. She was always forceful getting her point across, but I accepted it as part of her personality and just let it go b/c I didn't think it was worth ending a friendship over. But I've changed and it's not acceptable to me any more. I told her how I felt and she gave me the non-apology, apology "I'm sorry you feel that way" and basically said I was being oversensitive.

It's painful losing a long-term friend, but when YOU change - even for the better - there's no way to predict how it will affect the rest of your relationships. Even something positive - like losing weight or becoming a kinder person or giving up frog farming - can set people off. You'd think that people would be happy for you, but as with any life changes, people take it personally like you're judging their life choices. At times like this, it's natural to want to go backwards to the familiar, but part of you knows you can't so you just have to have faith that what you're moving toward is much better than what you had.

We haven't spoken in almost a year and I really don't want to speak to her anymore. Her world works for her, but not me. Her husband might not be Einstein, but he works his butt off to provide for the family. He's really sweet and waits on her hand and foot. I have an idea why she's behaving like that toward him, but until she's ready to change, she's going to get more bitter and angry with each passing year. I just won't be there to see it.

 

[Live.Laugh.Love]

This thread is interesting to say the least. I have skimmed some pages but havent read the entire thing.

Here are some of my thoughts.

1. In my family the really nice and feminine women are ALL divorced and never remarried. All of the women who are *****es (kinda nasty), stayed married to their husbands (and have more successful kids). My personal experiences and data points contradict all that is in this thread. Why is that?

2. Something else I have noticed, is if the women has zero career ambition and just works to bring in some money, she is MUCH more likely to put up with foolishness. All the women who I know who make 6 figures, where much more likely to divorce a trifling husband as compared to the women who makes 55k and the husband makes 250k. The women who makes less money always put up with more (where a trifling man was concerned). Again, why is that?

I look forward to the repsonses!

 

[caribeandiva]

2. Something else I have noticed, is if the women has zero career ambition and just works to bring in some money, she is MUCH more likely to put up with foolishness. All the women who I know who make 6 figures, where much more likely to divorce a trifling husband as compared to the women who makes 55k and the husband makes 250k. The women who makes less money always put up with more (where a trifling man was concerned). Again, why is that?

I look forward to the repsonses!

Because of low self-esteem. They don't think they can do better.

 

[caribeandiva]

@TracyNicole That was a powerful story! Kudos for sticking to your guns.

I shared this in the Calling in the one thread:

Another thing that happened was with my best friend. We've been friends since high school. I told her all about the book and how amazing it was. She got her heart broken around the same time I started my new relationship. She was devastated. I spent hours consoling her, trying to make her feel better several days a week! I even bought her a hard copy of the calling in the one book because she kept saying that she wanted to read it. She doesn't even open the damn book but keeps obsessing over her ex. That was my first clue. A couple of months later I go through my own heartbreak and she's nowhere to be found! Plus she's flaked out on me several times. I called her out on it and she refused to take any responsibility for her actions by telling me I'm over reacting, is not that serious,. That's when I decided to reevaluate the entire friendship. I finally realized that this friendship was very unbalanced with me giving waaay too much and getting crumbs in return. So I ended it. I ended up doubly heartbroken within a week basically.

 

[LoveisYou]

This thread is interesting to say the least. I have skimmed some pages but havent read the entire thing.

Here are some of my thoughts.

1. In my family the really nice and feminine women are ALL divorced and never remarried. All of the women who are *****es (kinda nasty), stayed married to their husbands (and have more successful kids). My personal experiences and data points contradict all that is in this thread. Why is that?

2. Something else I have noticed, is if the women has zero career ambition and just works to bring in some money, she is MUCH more likely to put up with foolishness. All the women who I know who make 6 figures, where much more likely to divorce a trifling husband as compared to the women who makes 55k and the husband makes 250k. The women who makes less money always put up with more (where a trifling man was concerned). Again, why is that?

I look forward to the repsonses!

Question about #1 are these happy marriages? Staying married doesn't mean happily married. I need more info

Plus being "nice" and feminine doesn't mean walkover per the books we're reading. In fact it's the complete opposite. It's all about how you communicate what you want/need. Strong AND feminine

 

[sweetvi]

The key:

Communication
Understanding yourself in the process of understanding men

Question about #1 are these happy marriages? Staying married doesn't mean happily married. I need more info

Plus being "nice" and feminine doesn't mean walkover per the books we're reading. In fact it's the complete opposite. It's all about how you communicate what you want/need. Strong AND feminine

 

[LovingLady]

I read a wonderful article about Ice Cube and his wife on the Tavis Smiley show. They have been together almost 25 years. Here are some tidbits he said in the article:

-He gets up pretty early in the morning, but he doesn't rush straight to work. “I like to hang out with my wife, talk about things, get some coffee, you know?”

-Sometimes he eats the dinner she made last night, for breakfast in the morning. “She's the best cook” he says, which is why he doesn't do it, because he isn't so great at it.

-Cube says they’re also a great partnership. He puts it this way: “It'll be like if she went to make a record. We just both do what we're best at.”He advises staying on your P’s and Q’s and going for what you know.

Wishing Cube & Kim a continued lifetime of wedded bliss.

I saw Straight Outta Compton and this is evident in the movie. In the initial scenes were you saw his wife I thought she was his manager because she looked out for his best interest and supported the decisions he made, even after he trashed the labels office. It looked very much like a partnership. Even towards the end of the movie you can see that around their children they are very much a team and that he completely trusts her.

You can also see how much Dr. Dre cares for his wife in the moive. They meet at one of Dre's parties just as she was about to leave. After Dre introduced himself to her she expressed that things were getting to crazy for her and that is about to leave. She said it in a way that expressed her personal boundaries in a light, vulnerable, and non judgmental way. After one of their dates, Dre want to come inside the house. She told him (firmly but gently) that the she is not going to allow someone with his crazy lifestyle around her son. In the next scene Dre is arguing with Suge Knight about the foolish that is going on around him and how he is using his money and influence in the wrong way.

 

[LovingLady]

@TracyNicole

Thank you so much for sharing. There is a saying that goes along the lines of: people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. I originally thought that the season was referring to people you meet in a certain area (school, work, etc.) and once you stop going to that place you no longer see them anymore. What I think it really means is that once your way of thinking changes (your season) you change the people you associate with.

I know the lonely feeling you are talking about. My way of thinking about EVERYTHING is so different from everyone else. Since I can not completely remove myself from everyone I have learned to tailor my conversations to have supportive role with a bash of surficial dialogue. I share my thoughts and opinions with people that I know will get it (like you ladies).

 

[Kimbosheart]

Hello Ladies,

It's been some time since I've contributed to this thread in a meaningful way. There is so much information here and I really needed to let it sink in and follow the leads down other trails.

I've been at a particular place in my long-term relationship and this information and some other current events in my life really woke me up to the changes I needed to make. While I still don't have a solution to certain issues. I see that I definitely contributed to them through the bad behaviors and assumptions Allison points out in TQC and KTTK. The thing is, this is also in many other areas in my life where things weren't going as smoothly as I would like. It seemed like a matter of not being true to myself (who am I?) and not understanding what is going on around me.

At the same time, I am a firm believer in the saying "when you know better, you do better" so I optimistically tried to implement several changes right away. Of course, I failed. Changing habits, patterns and mindsets can't happen overnight. I've spent 30+ years with a certain type of programming. Consciously reprogramming myself will take time. I can't beat myself up over every failure, but I can learn and continue to apply the changes I want to make.

This lead me down a path of prayer. For me, I realized that I was trying to fix my problems on the level they were created. I know I need help that's bigger than me and on a higher level. So after seeing the movie The War Room, I've had this fire lit under me to pray about the changes I want to see in a few areas of my life. One big thing, when did I let all my fears blur who I really am and how I love to be? So while, you may not be Christian and you may not like the term "prayer", one thing I definitely took away from the movie about prayer and has been a big help to me is to be specific about what you want to change. Even for "feminine" - be specific about what exactly "feminine" means to you. How does that look, feel, taste what exact behavior do you want to change? That focus alone has made things better in many areas.

Another path I've been on as I've been tripping down the road of change is Joy and being happy right where I'm at. Once you've fallen on your face a few times, you learn to enjoy the moments of flight down (it's like a roller coaster ). So I try again to climb back up. And I look back at it.. and realize that all the climbing is at least making my behind perky. But basically. I need to enjoy my current parking spot as well as the trip ahead and still look forward to arriving at my destination. My journey is 100% unique. Sometimes, I get caught up looking in other lanes but I really must stay in mine.

So what have I noticed in the real world after reading this information?
I'm set apart by choice. I haven't had many friendships change. I'm choosing not to talk about the bad or avoid my friends who do continue to bash men. My words are changing, it is becoming much harder to complain about anything. I'm smiling more and doing things that are genuinely interesting to me and I've noticed my guy is 100% supportive of that and likes to help me in anyway he can. I'll report back after awhile.

Last thing, now that I've let this info sink in and I've been applying it for some time, I think it's time for a reread of TQC. Should we maybe organize a book club to go through it? I'm not sure if we can do private groups but maybe we can do a group on Facebook. But assign one chapter every 2 weeks and then we can schedule a time to Skype or do a group chat? I'd love to go through this information at a slower pace with the support of like minded women. I love hearing your stories.

 

[caribeandiva]

^i was thinking of doing a rereading of TQC as well.

 

[AnjelLuvs]

^i was thinking of doing a rereading of TQC as well.

What TQC?

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Wow you ladies have really brought out some really nice sentiments!!!

I was on vacation for over a week not too long ago and when I came back into town I was swamped with work all over the place. I still feel like things are out of order smh....

It's been hard for me to post as regularly as I was. So many thoughts swirling through my head lately!

Anyway, I'm still in the book TQC. I haven't read much lately because idk if it's just some of the stories I've been hearing girlfriends tell me lately about their husbands, boyfriends, etc.... But recently I've been wondering if I even want to be married...

One of my close girlfriends just got married just a few months ago, and already she and her husband are separated!! He was DEFINITELY who he said he was, and while his behavior has been very shocking (to say the least), I can't say that I'm all that surprised. I tried and tried to tell her while they were dating that I didn't feel like he was the right guy for her. All of her family members and friends tried to warn her as well! Even SHE saw signs! The red flags were all over the place! But did she listen?? Nope! So now she's in an even bigger mess smh...

Idk....then one of my gf's told me about some guy who did her wrong, and just based on what I've seen my mom go through in relationships, and even my own personal experiences w/men, etc.... lately I've been honestly wondering if I even want to get married...and that's scary to me. I've never felt this way before. I guess I'm just really scared of ending up w/the wrong person. I've ALWAYS had that fear. I feel like maybe it's just better for me to stay single (it's not that hard to do these days actually ) instead of get married.

One thing I can say however is that this feeling is actually somewhat refreshing. For the first time in my life I feel completely FREE...and that if guy is interested in me, he's going to have to make it known to me. But I don't feel that pressure to have to go out and chase a guy or make things happen anymore. I don't even care so much about being in a relationship right now. Idk if it's because I'm so focused on myself right now, or because of the negative things I've been hearing lately from friends and stuff, but right now I really don't have any desire to be in a relationship.

Idk.... Maybe it's just a phase.

I'm still going to finish the book however! I just have so many other things going on right now.

What TQC?

The book/novel "The Queen's Code".

 

[aprils13]

I'm down for a book study on "The Queen's Code".

 

[almond eyes]

Wow you ladies have really brought out some really nice sentiments!!!

I was on vacation for over a week not too long ago and when I came back into town I was swamped with work all over the place. I still feel like things are out of order smh....

It's been hard for me to post as regularly as I was. So many thoughts swirling through my head lately!

Anyway, I'm still in the book TQC. I haven't read much lately because idk if it's just some of the stories I've been hearing girlfriends tell me lately about their husbands, boyfriends, etc.... But recently I've been wondering if I even want to be married...

One of my close girlfriends just got married just a few months ago, and already she and her husband are separated!! He was DEFINITELY who he said he was, and while his behavior has been very shocking (to say the least), I can't say that I'm all that surprised. I tried and tried to tell her while they were dating that I didn't feel like he was the right guy for her. All of her family members and friends tried to warn her as well! Even SHE saw signs! The red flags were all over the place! But did she listen?? Nope! So now she's in an even bigger mess smh...

Idk....then one of my gf's told me about some guy who did her wrong, and just based on what I've seen my mom go through in relationships, and even my own personal experiences w/men, etc.... lately I've been honestly wondering if I even want to get married...and that's scary to me. I've never felt this way before. I guess I'm just really scared of ending up w/the wrong person. I've ALWAYS had that fear. I feel like maybe it's just better for me to stay single (it's not that hard to do these days actually ) instead of get married.

One thing I can say however is that this feeling is actually somewhat refreshing. For the first time in my life I feel completely FREE...and that if guy is interested in me, he's going to have to make it known to me. But I don't feel that pressure to have to go out and chase a guy or make things happen anymore. I don't even care so much about being in a relationship right now. Idk if it's because I'm so focused on myself right now, or because of the negative things I've been hearing lately from friends and stuff, but right now I really don't have any desire to be in a relationship.

Idk.... Maybe it's just a phase.

I'm still going to finish the book however! I just have so many other things going on right now.

The book/novel "The Queen's Code".

You said it right!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was sitting with a friend of my sister's and she was over analyzing a situation with a guy she has liked for long time. I told her that I no longer do sleepless nights over trying to figure out a man. You are right either he is in or not. I used to have a boss who used to say you are pregnant or not there is no in between. I realize with men it is the same.

Best,
Almond Eyes

 

[TracyNicole]

I am definitely interested in a book club style reread. There was just so much information packed into that book that I want to make sure I've really delved into what she is saying and internalized it. Would you ladies be interested in the format @Kimbosheart suggested with our first meeting at the beginning of October?

 

[caribeandiva]

I am definitely interested in a book club style reread. There was just so much information packed into that book that I want to make sure I've really delved into what she is saying and internalized it. Would you ladies be interested in the format @Kimbosheart suggested with our first meeting at the beginning of October?

What format is that? I must've missed it.

 

[Duchesse]

Thanks to this thread, I downloaded TQC. I stayed up way past my bedtime last night and I'm feeling it now, but I realllllyyyy enjoy reading it so far. I saw a lot of myself in the characters and it made me a bit sad at the way that I've unknowingly emasculated the men in my life in the past. I'd like to do a book study....I want to change for the better.

It also made me think of how a few years ago, about 4, I was a lot softer and maybe even naive when it came to relationships with men. In reflection, the men I interacted with I feel treated me much tenderly than in more recent times. I feel like because I've gone through a few disappointments, that a growing bitterness/hurt is changing the way I interact with them, and conversely how they interact with me..

 

[caribeandiva]

Alright ladies i created the bookclub in this thread:
https://www.longhaircareforum.com/threads/the-queens-code-by-alison-armstrong-bookclub.770059/

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I am definitely interested in a book club style reread. There was just so much information packed into that book that I want to make sure I've really delved into what she is saying and internalized it. Would you ladies be interested in the format @Kimbosheart suggested with our first meeting at the beginning of October?

I'm down for that.

Now what do you mean by meeting?

Thanks to this thread, I downloaded TQC. I stayed up way past my bedtime last night and I'm feeling it now, but I realllllyyyy enjoy reading it so far. I saw a lot of myself in the characters and it made me a bit sad at the way that I've unknowingly emasculated the men in my life in the past. I'd like to do a book study....I want to change for the better.

It also made me think of how a few years ago, about 4, I was a lot softer and maybe even naive when it came to relationships with men. In reflection, the men I interacted with I feel treated me much tenderly than in more recent times. I feel like because I've gone through a few disappointments, that a growing bitterness/hurt is changing the way I interact with them, and conversely how they interact with me..

@Duchesse

YES YES YES and YES!!!!!!

You've hit the nail on the head girl!!! This is EXACTLY how I feel!

I'll be honest, back when I was still in college and in my 20's, I was MUCH more naive with guys. I still always had the underlying fear of ending up w/the wrong guy based on my mom's sour relationships with my dad and my stepdad, but in general I was naive. When I think back to those times before I met the "ex that broke my heart", I was SOOO much more carefree, light-hearted, happy, content, and just living my life so nicely. I was happy-go-lucky, didn't see the worst in men, and was OPEN to men and relationships (albeit shy ).

But as soon as I went through that 3-4 year up and down rollercoaster with my ex that I met my graduating year of College...I became a TOTALLY different woman altogether. Needy, clingy, insecure, up and down, rollercoaster moods (mainly because HE was so moody and EU ), and sadly...closed up. I became cynical, bitter, guarded, and skeptical of ALL men.

I'm SO thankful and happy for this board because imo, some of the main KEYS to feminity is being OPEN, vulnerable, easy-going, happy, seeing the "best" in everyone, etc. If you think about it, usually MEN are the ones who should be more "cold", and calloused by life, since they have usually been at the forefront of everything. That's why I think men usually "love a woman with a smile", and someone who is light-hearted, easy-going, etc....because it's so DIFFERENT from what he is at his core. Knowing he can make a woman happy lights up his life....literally!

*sigh* I have to get back to that "place" that I was before I graduated college and met that ex who did me wrong. I've noticed too that men respond to me differently these days, and part of it could just be coincidental, but part of it I know is me. Sometimes we don't even realize the "vibes" we're putting out. [/QUOTE]

 

[TracyNicole]

What format is that? I must've missed it.

Skype or group chat after the assigned reading so we can discuss in real time.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Skype or group chat after the assigned reading so we can discuss in real time.

Ohhhh....I see.

I didn't even know that group chat feature was available on Skype lol!

 

[TracyNicole]

I haven't the slightest clue. Kimbosheart mentioned. I know there are some applications that allow group interfaces though. Can we look into this? I feel that it is a bit challenging to be really and truly open when the board is open to those who would use your words against you in the future so a private chat would be awesome if possible and everyone is amenable.

 

[Kimbosheart]

I'll post a schedule for reading and a few apps that I know of for group chats. I also think we could move the book club as a whole to a private Facebook group or yahoo group. After I post it we can take some votes on how we would like to proceed. I've done this a few time with university reading assignments and the format worked pretty well.

 

[caribeandiva]

I'll post a schedule for reading and a few apps that I know of for group chats. I also think we could move the book club as a whole to a private Facebook group or yahoo group. After I post it we can take some votes on how we would like to proceed. I've done this a few time with university reading assignments and the format worked pretty well.

That's a great idea! I'd love to have a private space to really discuss the things we learn in the book, the aha moments, etc...

 

[Kimbosheart]

Thank you. I only meant I will post options for us to discuss and decide on as a group. I've got some time this afternoon where I Can sit down and put all the info together.