Yes, I've been lurking this thread since it started. I love the advice and discussions. I think I'm going to order Keys to the Kingdom and participate.
Feminine Belles - Info/discussion/support Thread
- Thread starter JollyGal
- Start date
Yes, I've been lurking this thread since it started. I love the advice and discussions. I think I'm going to order Keys to the Kingdom and participate.
Nefertiti0906
Well-Known Member
BK Bombshell
Well-Known Member
Nefertiti0906
Well-Known Member
Thanks! I'm trying to pin the books to the Pinterest group so I wouldn't forget.
ladysaraii
Well-Known Member
I was watching some of her free youtube stuff and I really like her style and delivery.
I might order her understanding women DVD. I'd love to take a class but it's pricey.
I might order her understanding women DVD. I'd love to take a class but it's pricey.
Kimbosheart
Well-Known Member
@ladysaraii the audiobooks are less expensive on Amazon than they are on her website.
I've just sent a few emails for the pinterest board. Please take a look through all of the pins on there. There's over 175 pins from all the users with some great information.
I hope you ladies are having a wonderful weekend.
I've just sent a few emails for the pinterest board. Please take a look through all of the pins on there. There's over 175 pins from all the users with some great information.
I hope you ladies are having a wonderful weekend.
caribeandiva
Human being
Seriously, how do you private message someone here now? I've been unable to since the upgrade.
caribeandiva
Human being
@Kimbosheart I'd love to be on the Pinterest board but I don't know how to private message you my email or username.
Kimbosheart
Well-Known Member
@caribeandiva I think you can click on my username and then click start a conversation to send the pm.
caribeandiva
Human being
I thought those conversations were public. I guess I misunderstood.
caribeandiva
Human being
I'm almost done with KTTK. Reading about the stages of development is an eye opener for me. Since my guy is in Prince mode does that mean I have to wait 12 years for him to propose and get married? 
Did I misunderstand?
Did I misunderstand?
Kimbosheart
Well-Known Member
I'm almost done with KTTK. Reading about the stages of development is an eye opener for me. Since my guy is in Prince mode does that mean I have to wait 12 years for him to propose and get married?
Haha I hope not, for you and I both
Princes and even Knights get married. So I think it depends on your guy. But in general Prince's are looking to build and will want someone to build with or have built the kingdom before they find a queen to rule it. She talks about the 2 philoshpys in the book. You should ask your guy about his thoughts.
caribeandiva
Human being
He keeps mentioning marriage. Every time he does I don't take him seriously because he's only in his mid twenties. In my mind men aren't serious about marriage until they're at least 28-30.Haha I hope not, for you and I both
Kimbosheart
Well-Known Member
Haven't you learned from the reading to take men at their word. If he says he's ready thats what he means. Age doesn't matter. Next time ask him more about it when he talks, and use your new listening skills
caribeandiva
Human being
Will do!Haven't you learned from the reading to take men at their word. If he says he's ready thats what he means. Age doesn't matter. Next time ask him more about it when he talks, and use your new listening skills
caribeandiva
Human being
OK I finished The Keys to the Kingdom today. It l left me with more questions than answers. I want more!! Now I wanna read ALL her stuff! I'm even adding her workshops on my to-do list for when I have the cash. I'm the meantime I'm off to YouTube for more of her teachings.
I want more!! Now I wanna read ALL her stuff! I'm even adding her workshops on my to-do list for when I have the cash. I'm the meantime I'm off to YouTube for more of her teachings.
Kimbosheart
Well-Known Member
@caribeandiva the development of men was more in-depth than KTTK. It's an audiobook available on Amazon.
sweetvi
Well-Known Member
Crystalicequeen123
Well-Known Member
Wow!!!! You ladies are SPEED readers!!!!
I'm still only half-way through the TQC book. The sex chapter seems to be taking forever lol
Anyway.....I'll be going on vacation soon, so I'm sure I'll have more time to do some more reading. I can't wait to read KTTK.
For you ladies, which book gave you the most epiphanies/"a-ha" moments? The Queens Code, or Keys to the Kingdom?
I was actually up listening to one of Alison's videos on Youtube last night in bed, and this one video gave me SO many epiphanies it's not even funny!!!!!!!
It's almost as though I was hearing the information for the first time. I know I've read the same sentiments in other books before, but something about the way Alison puts things it really clicks and drives the point home for me. 
One thing that REALLY stood out to me and finally made sense to me was the portion of the video where she talks about and actually ADVOCATES women dating outside of their usual "type". She mentions that the 3 things men LOVE about women are:
-Confidence
-Authenticity
-Passion
However, Alison states that when a woman is HIGHLY attracted to a man (especially sexually), MOST (if not ALL) of those 3 things go right out the window! The woman's confidence goes down because then she starts wondering if she's "good enough" for him. Her authenticity wanes because now she's thinking: "what does he like? I can be what he likes! Pick me! Pick me!!" 
The woman basically zero's in on the guy saying: "I want THAT one!!!"
But because she's so "worried" about impressing him,most of the qualities that make a man attracted to her go away. 
But when a woman isn't dating a man who's her usual "type", the woman is relaxed, calm, being HERSELF, she's not trying to "impress" the guy, she's authentic, she's passionate about LIFE, she's freely expressing her opinions/likes/dislikes, and she's CONFIDENT because she knows she's the prize.
In fact, Alison dropped the bombshell that women always think that men love women who "play hard to get" because they always see that the men never go for the women who are clamoring to get his attention, but more so the woman who looks like she's "playing hard to get" or doesn't care. But the REALITY she says is that the men are actually going for the woman who is confident, authentic, and passionate, and the reason why the woman is this way is because to THAT woman, he's probably not really her intial "TYPE"!
When I heard this I had the biggest epiphany EVER!!! NOW it finally makes sense why when I like a guy (especially if I'm REALLY attracted to him), the guy always ends up lukewarm about me, or not really enamored with me. Whereas the guys I dont' care two cents about are always up in my grill....
And it makes sense why the guys who I initially don't like, usually are giving me a LOT of attention, but as soon as I start to develop feelings back, the guy slowly starts to lose interest. It's like OMG! It all makes PERFECT sense now!
I'm changing something (even subconsciously) about how I act/interact around guys that I'm attracted to, vs the guys that I'm NOT attracted to. Now I know why I haven't been able to find something "mutual" yet. I know what it is....I tend to turn into a different person when I'm around a guy I actually like. I'm more nervous, anxious, needy around him. Not even "needy" in the true sense, but more so looking at every move he makes, taking EVERYTHING he does/says personally, not letting my hair down (so to speak) to show him my fun, authentic side. I turn more reserved, cautious, afraid to offend, I sometimes will agree TOO much with the guy even if I don't really agree..... I don't feel confident...I start wondering what I can do in order to impress him instead of vice versa. I feel like the guy has the upper hand....etc. The list goes on and ON!
Omg......I just figured out the main reason why I haven't been able to attract the men I'm truly interested in lol.
So what about people like me? Are we just destined to end up with men we're not really attracted to?? Or, do we have to somehow tweak the way we interact w/a man that we're really into? Or do we have to curb our excitement about him and reel in the feelings?? Because I know some women who actually DO end up w/men who they ARE attracted to from jump...so what are those women doing that I'm not doing??
Anyway, I just felt like this video interview was perfect for women (like myself) who want to learn more about men and who wonder why the guys they like never like them, but the guys they don't always do lol.
I guess I'm going to have to work on being more confident and authentic around ALL guys...regardless.
I feel like I've known basic info about men all along for years, but Alison is finally revealing to me the REASONS behind why men do what they do, and WHY they think the way they think.
Here's the video I'm talking about..... The WHOLE entire video was EXCELLENT and contains SO many gems, but the part starting at minute 22:56 is what I'm referencing in this post.
I'm still only half-way through the TQC book. The sex chapter seems to be taking forever lol
Anyway.....I'll be going on vacation soon, so I'm sure I'll have more time to do some more reading. I can't wait to read KTTK.
For you ladies, which book gave you the most epiphanies/"a-ha" moments? The Queens Code, or Keys to the Kingdom?
I was actually up listening to one of Alison's videos on Youtube last night in bed, and this one video gave me SO many epiphanies it's not even funny!!!!!!!
It's almost as though I was hearing the information for the first time. I know I've read the same sentiments in other books before, but something about the way Alison puts things it really clicks and drives the point home for me. One thing that REALLY stood out to me and finally made sense to me was the portion of the video where she talks about and actually ADVOCATES women dating outside of their usual "type". She mentions that the 3 things men LOVE about women are:
-Confidence
-Authenticity
-Passion
However, Alison states that when a woman is HIGHLY attracted to a man (especially sexually), MOST (if not ALL) of those 3 things go right out the window!
The woman's confidence goes down because then she starts wondering if she's "good enough" for him. Her authenticity wanes because now she's thinking: "what does he like? I can be what he likes! Pick me! Pick me!!" The woman basically zero's in on the guy saying: "I want THAT one!!!"
But because she's so "worried" about impressing him,most of the qualities that make a man attracted to her go away. But when a woman isn't dating a man who's her usual "type", the woman is relaxed, calm, being HERSELF, she's not trying to "impress" the guy, she's authentic, she's passionate about LIFE, she's freely expressing her opinions/likes/dislikes, and she's CONFIDENT because she knows she's the prize.
In fact, Alison dropped the bombshell that women always think that men love women who "play hard to get" because they always see that the men never go for the women who are clamoring to get his attention, but more so the woman who looks like she's "playing hard to get" or doesn't care. But the REALITY she says is that the men are actually going for the woman who is confident, authentic, and passionate, and the reason why the woman is this way is because to THAT woman, he's probably not really her intial "TYPE"!
When I heard this I had the biggest epiphany EVER!!!
NOW it finally makes sense why when I like a guy (especially if I'm REALLY attracted to him), the guy always ends up lukewarm about me, or not really enamored with me. Whereas the guys I dont' care two cents about are always up in my grill.... And it makes sense why the guys who I initially don't like, usually are giving me a LOT of attention, but as soon as I start to develop feelings back, the guy slowly starts to lose interest. It's like OMG! It all makes PERFECT sense now! I'm changing something (even subconsciously) about how I act/interact around guys that I'm attracted to, vs the guys that I'm NOT attracted to. Now I know why I haven't been able to find something "mutual" yet. I know what it is....I tend to turn into a different person when I'm around a guy I actually like. I'm more nervous, anxious, needy around him. Not even "needy" in the true sense, but more so looking at every move he makes, taking EVERYTHING he does/says personally, not letting my hair down (so to speak) to show him my fun, authentic side. I turn more reserved, cautious, afraid to offend, I sometimes will agree TOO much with the guy even if I don't really agree..... I don't feel confident...I start wondering what I can do in order to impress him instead of vice versa. I feel like the guy has the upper hand....etc. The list goes on and ON!
Omg......I just figured out the main reason why I haven't been able to attract the men I'm truly interested in lol.
So what about people like me? Are we just destined to end up with men we're not really attracted to?? Or, do we have to somehow tweak the way we interact w/a man that we're really into? Or do we have to curb our excitement about him and reel in the feelings?? Because I know some women who actually DO end up w/men who they ARE attracted to from jump...so what are those women doing that I'm not doing??
Anyway, I just felt like this video interview was perfect for women (like myself) who want to learn more about men and who wonder why the guys they like never like them, but the guys they don't always do lol.
I guess I'm going to have to work on being more confident and authentic around ALL guys...regardless.
I feel like I've known basic info about men all along for years, but Alison is finally revealing to me the REASONS behind why men do what they do, and WHY they think the way they think.
Here's the video I'm talking about..... The WHOLE entire video was EXCELLENT and contains SO many gems, but the part starting at minute 22:56 is what I'm referencing in this post.
Kimbosheart
Well-Known Member
Wow!!!! You ladies are SPEED readers!!!!
I'm still only half-way through the TQC book. The sex chapter seems to be taking forever lol
Anyway.....I'll be going on vacation soon, so I'm sure I'll have more time to do some more reading. I can't wait to read KTTK.
For you ladies, which book gave you the most epiphanies/"a-ha" moments? The Queens Code, or Keys to the Kingdom?
I was actually up listening to one of Alison's videos on Youtube last night in bed, and this one video gave me SO many epiphanies it's not even funny!!!!!!!
One thing that REALLY stood out to me and finally made sense to me was the portion of the video where she talks about and actually ADVOCATES women dating outside of their usual "type". She mentions that the 3 things men LOVE about women are:
-Confidence
-Authenticity
-Passion
However, Alison states that when a woman is HIGHLY attracted to a man (especially sexually), MOST (if not ALL) of those 3 things go right out the window!
The woman basically zero's in on the guy saying: "I want THAT one!!!"
But when a woman isn't dating a man who's her usual "type", the woman is relaxed, calm, being HERSELF, she's not trying to "impress" the guy, she's authentic, she's passionate about LIFE, she's freely expressing her opinions/likes/dislikes, and she's CONFIDENT because she knows she's the prize.
In fact, Alison dropped the bombshell that women always think that men love women who "play hard to get" because they always see that the men never go for the women who are clamoring to get his attention, but more so the woman who looks like she's "playing hard to get" or doesn't care. But the REALITY she says is that the men are actually going for the woman who is confident, authentic, and passionate, and the reason why the woman is this way is because to THAT woman, he's probably not really her intial "TYPE"!
When I heard this I had the biggest epiphany EVER!!!
I'm changing something (even subconsciously) about how I act/interact around guys that I'm attracted to, vs the guys that I'm NOT attracted to. Now I know why I haven't been able to find something "mutual" yet. I know what it is....I tend to turn into a different person when I'm around a guy I actually like. I'm more nervous, anxious, needy around him. Not even "needy" in the true sense, but more so looking at every move he makes, taking EVERYTHING he does/says personally, not letting my hair down (so to speak) to show him my fun, authentic side. I turn more reserved, cautious, afraid to offend, I sometimes will agree TOO much with the guy even if I don't really agree..... I don't feel confident...I start wondering what I can do in order to impress him instead of vice versa. I feel like the guy has the upper hand....etc. The list goes on and ON!
Omg......I just figured out the main reason why I haven't been able to attract the men I'm truly interested in lol.
So what about people like me? Are we just destined to end up with men we're not really attracted to?? Or, do we have to somehow tweak the way we interact w/a man that we're really into? Or do we have to curb our excitement about him and reel in the feelings?? Because I know some women who actually DO end up w/men who they ARE attracted to from jump...so what are those women doing that I'm not doing??
Anyway, I just felt like this video interview was perfect for women (like myself) who want to learn more about men and who wonder why the guys they like never like them, but the guys they don't always do lol.
I guess I'm going to have to work on being more confident and authentic around ALL guys...regardless.
I feel like I've known basic info about men all along for years, but Alison is finally revealing to me the REASONS behind why men do what they do, and WHY they think the way they think.
Here's the video I'm talking about..... The WHOLE entire video was EXCELLENT and contains SO many gems, but the part starting at minute 22:56 is what I'm referencing in this post.
This video is one of my favorites. I'm so glad you found it..
Here's my theory and what I've been practicing in my relationship. First, for women attraction grows. So if you do date someone you aren't initially attracted to as your "type", I have learned that once he shows he is looking out for me I become more attracted to him. Now, if you are with someone who is your "type" and you know that your top 3 qualities go out the window then reprogram yourself. Meaning, be his friend. That's what I've been doing and it's working great for me and I think he's really digging it more too.
Here's me with my best friend:
- completely totally my silly, sometimes lazy, very girly self
- I listen to my BFF's talk about their family, jobs, other friends, hobbies, hopes and dreams and support them in their decisions... it doesn't effect my life or happiness
- I don't take random thoughts or comments personally
- I don't worry about what they meant when they said X -- I just ask them
- I understand when they don't want to talk at this moment, I'll be here when they're ready
- I don't threaten that any disagreement will end the friendship.. it's just a disagreement, fight fair and move on
For me, not taking everything personally is a huge load off my shoulders. I know what I'm about and that I'll be ok so I don't have to put all that on him. I can just be a friend and do exactly what I feel like.
I should add that if you are a safe place for him and a true friend...he will act on the physical attraction. I have a feeling men don't friend zone the way we do. Meaning he will initiate the romance part.
victorious
Relaxed/4A/Fine/Thin/APL
I just finished The Queen's Code, and my eyes are opened. I was a frog farmer and a proud member of the castration club at work too.
I took pride in my feminine appearance and somewhat aggressive nature. I had no problem listening patiently with no interruptions because it gave me the information I needed to use against men when they messed up. I never asked the right questions because I already had evidence to use against them. My quick sharp tongue started and ended arguments. I was also the judge, jury and executioner.
I'm learning not to be so judgemental and idealistic. I understand so much now, and I'm more open and appreciative.
I liked the cute terms like "pumpkin hours" and "cover charge." I used those strategies, but I was a little more demanding than what was advised.
Claudia was tired after those sessions, but I'm more exhausted after reading that book. There are other books I want to read, but I need a break to get myself together.
ETA: Yes, I've been lurking for a while. Hi Ladies!
I took pride in my feminine appearance and somewhat aggressive nature. I had no problem listening patiently with no interruptions because it gave me the information I needed to use against men when they messed up. I never asked the right questions because I already had evidence to use against them. My quick sharp tongue started and ended arguments. I was also the judge, jury and executioner.
I'm learning not to be so judgemental and idealistic. I understand so much now, and I'm more open and appreciative.
I liked the cute terms like "pumpkin hours" and "cover charge." I used those strategies, but I was a little more demanding than what was advised.
Claudia was tired after those sessions, but I'm more exhausted after reading that book. There are other books I want to read, but I need a break to get myself together.
ETA: Yes, I've been lurking for a while. Hi Ladies!
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Crystalicequeen123
Well-Known Member
Omg thank you SO much for this insight @Kimbosheart
Your words have given me a totally new perspective. I think this is going to help me tremendously with men going forward.... Especially with men that I may fancy or be attracted to. I like going the "friend" route idea, but deep down I've always afraid to go this route with guys I'm REALLY interested in/attracted to!
I'm always afraid that I will come off like being like "one of the guys", or I'll end up being just the "girl pal" in his eyes....or that maybe I will come off as a little more "masculine" in my traits instead of "light and feminine" as I'm trying to be. So I've never really tried that route with guys I'm actually into. I don't want to be some knee-slapping, football-watching, joke-telling girl around a guy I'm interested in lol. It just seems so awkward lol It's so weird though because when I really think about it, quite a few guys that ended up liking me were just FRIENDS with me. I didn't view them as anything BUT friends, I was silly around them, I didn't care what they thought, and I felt FREE to be MYSELF 100% around them because I didn't like them. Then, of course they ended up liking me lol.
But of course, because I saw them as "friends only", I never liked them in that way so I would turn them down, or I would give them a chance but after a few dates I would realize I wasn't into them in that way. I'm glad you mentioned however that men don't friendzone women the way that women friendzone men. In fact, if you go to the AskMen.com boards, they will swear that men NEVER friendzone ANY women...you're just on a lower "ladder" ("Ladder Theory"). Idk how true that is, but thanks to TQC, I'm slowly but surely learning to just take men at their word.
I think because we as women tend to say a lot of things we don't really mean (maybe to hide our true opinion or to avoid hurting another woman's feelings), we assume that men are the same way. When in reality, if you ask a man his direct opinion, unless he's in a relationship with you and is avoiding the "do I look fat in this dress??" question lol, 9 times out of 10 you can pretty much take men at their word lol. Typically men are pretty direct and won't say something they DON'T mean. I'm slowly but surely learning to just accept their words for face value and take as is.....nothing more, nothing less.So I guess what I need to work on is just treating ALL guys the SAME and acting THE SAME around ALL men...regardless of if I have feelings for them or not lol.
Oy vey....it's going to be tough, but I think I'm at the point where I just want to stop Frog Farming, stop worrying so much about rejection, stop putting men I'm into on a pedastal, and start just being my BEST self towards everyone.....
And whoever bites will bite. 
Kimbosheart
Well-Known Member
Omg thank you SO much for this insight @Kimbosheart
I like going the "friend" route idea, but deep down I've always afraid to go this route with guys I'm REALLY interested in/attracted to!
It's so weird though because when I really think about it, quite a few guys that ended up liking me were just FRIENDS with me. I didn't view them as anything BUT friends, I was silly around them, I didn't care what they thought, and I felt FREE to be MYSELF 100% around them because I didn't like them. Then, of course they ended up liking me lol.
I'm glad you mentioned however that men don't friendzone women the way that women friendzone men. In fact, if you go to the AskMen.com boards, they will swear that men NEVER friendzone ANY women...you're just on a lower "ladder" ("Ladder Theory"). Idk how true that is, but thanks to TQC, I'm slowly but surely learning to just take men at their word.
So I guess what I need to work on is just treating ALL guys the SAME and acting THE SAME around ALL men...regardless of if I have feelings for them or not lol.
Oy vey....it's going to be tough, but I think I'm at the point where I just want to stop Frog Farming, stop worrying so much about rejection, stop putting men I'm into on a pedastal, and start just being my BEST self towards everyone.....
First Bolded: What you described is being "one of the guys" not necessarily being a "friend" so hopefully you won't have to worry about that going forward. Here's an example... I really enjoy tailgating or sitting around and watching football. And what I mean by that is: I like trying new dips and appetizers for game day and finding craft beers to pair with my food. I love having people over to my house. I really like dressing up in my team's colors. I like to snap pics and instagram the heck out of my game day spread. Or I love cuddling with my guy playing candy crush on my phone while he's watching football. And I like catching a good or bad play. But I'm not the one to tell you any kind of stat, or position, or name a play, etc.. Nope. I can do things with men, my way.
On the other hand, being his friend means that I will be completely myself.. but we don't need to talk about my cycle or men on tv who are hot.. He's not my BFF like that.
Second and Third Bolded:
Well, I think this thread is borderline relationship help and I didn't mean to make that turn when I suggested this material. But these books have been life changing for me, so I had to share this info with y'all. One thing I love, is it's not about a "treatment" or an "act" she is encouraging a genuine respect and understanding of the opposite sex. And whenever you respect something and understand it you will automatically be more compassionate and kind towards it, and yourself. So don't worry about the past, keep learning about men to understand them and to appreciate the unique qualities they bring to this world. If we keep cultivating that we will stop frog farming. But best of all, I'm finding that the more I learn and understand about men and especially the men in my life the more feminine I can be.
I don't have all the answers, I'm literally only weeks ahead of you in reading and listening to her materials. I'm trying things out as I go just like you. It's tough to make a complete 180 overnight, hang in there. I hope it gets easier as I learn more.
Crystalicequeen123
Well-Known Member
Thanks for clarifying all of this.
Yes, I wish I knew how to read game plays or stats for football, but I just don't lol.
Ironically, my younger sister (who I view as probably a little more feminine than me) knows all the ups and downs about football lol (we both grew up in a football loving family)! Go figure!!! With all of that said however, I definitely know what you mean about once you learn more about men, the more you feel more comfortable in your own femininity. The more you come to appreciate men, the more you come to appreciate YOURSELF. The moment you STOP
trying to compete w/men and "one up" them, the more happy and FREE you become! It's almost crazy how that works out isn't it?? 
Also, I will add one thing that I definitely agreed with in your latter comments.... I think that a lot of other books on men/relationships/dating approach the subject of men with FEAR. "The Rules", WMLB, "Think Like a Man", etc.... imo ALL of those books (especially if they are written by a woman) are VERY fear-based. While I do still like and appreciate those books on some level, I now recognize them for what they are. The book "The Rules" is ESPECIALLY very fear-based.
It's like, those books are all telling you a little about how men operate, or how to "get the guy", but they are doing it from a woman's position of fear. Fear of NOT getting the guy. Fear of doing the "wrong" thing in his presence. "Play hard to get!" "Don't look at a man first lest he thinks you're interested in him!" "End the date first!" "Wait 3.5 days to text or call a man back!" I mean, the advice is just "rules" based on FEAR. When in actuality, the woman isn't being AUTHENTIC.
The main thing I'm loving about Alison and her book TQC is that there is no "fear" involved. I guess that's one of the things I appreciate the most about the book.
There's no manipulation, no "tricks", no "rules", just UNDERSTANDING of men. Once you come from a place of understanding, compassion, and love for men, you automatically tap more into your feminine presence, AND you probably instinctively attract more men simply because your energy changes. Instead of feeling a fear of saying/doing/acting the wrong way, you can finally breathe easier, be more yourself, and "put down the sword" of castration as the author so aptly puts it lol!! It's a wonderful feeling!!
Idk about you ladies, but I just feel MUCH more light-hearted. Who knew giving up the "fight" or the "struggle" could mean being so FREE?? Giving up the competition could equal peace and solace?? Who knows what other things in life we could "give up" and end up feeling FREE as well?? I feel bad for women who carry around this burden now.
It's so obvious to see now. I'm also so glad that the author in the video makes no excuses and admits that she herself used to be a self-professed bitter angry feminist before she came to learn more about men.almond eyes
Well-Known Member
Wow!!!! You ladies are SPEED readers!!!!
I'm still only half-way through the TQC book. The sex chapter seems to be taking forever lol
Anyway.....I'll be going on vacation soon, so I'm sure I'll have more time to do some more reading. I can't wait to read KTTK.
For you ladies, which book gave you the most epiphanies/"a-ha" moments? The Queens Code, or Keys to the Kingdom?
I was actually up listening to one of Alison's videos on Youtube last night in bed, and this one video gave me SO many epiphanies it's not even funny!!!!!!!
One thing that REALLY stood out to me and finally made sense to me was the portion of the video where she talks about and actually ADVOCATES women dating outside of their usual "type". She mentions that the 3 things men LOVE about women are:
-Confidence
-Authenticity
-Passion
However, Alison states that when a woman is HIGHLY attracted to a man (especially sexually), MOST (if not ALL) of those 3 things go right out the window!
The woman basically zero's in on the guy saying: "I want THAT one!!!"
But when a woman isn't dating a man who's her usual "type", the woman is relaxed, calm, being HERSELF, she's not trying to "impress" the guy, she's authentic, she's passionate about LIFE, she's freely expressing her opinions/likes/dislikes, and she's CONFIDENT because she knows she's the prize.
In fact, Alison dropped the bombshell that women always think that men love women who "play hard to get" because they always see that the men never go for the women who are clamoring to get his attention, but more so the woman who looks like she's "playing hard to get" or doesn't care. But the REALITY she says is that the men are actually going for the woman who is confident, authentic, and passionate, and the reason why the woman is this way is because to THAT woman, he's probably not really her intial "TYPE"!
When I heard this I had the biggest epiphany EVER!!!
I'm changing something (even subconsciously) about how I act/interact around guys that I'm attracted to, vs the guys that I'm NOT attracted to. Now I know why I haven't been able to find something "mutual" yet. I know what it is....I tend to turn into a different person when I'm around a guy I actually like. I'm more nervous, anxious, needy around him. Not even "needy" in the true sense, but more so looking at every move he makes, taking EVERYTHING he does/says personally, not letting my hair down (so to speak) to show him my fun, authentic side. I turn more reserved, cautious, afraid to offend, I sometimes will agree TOO much with the guy even if I don't really agree..... I don't feel confident...I start wondering what I can do in order to impress him instead of vice versa. I feel like the guy has the upper hand....etc. The list goes on and ON!
Omg......I just figured out the main reason why I haven't been able to attract the men I'm truly interested in lol.
So what about people like me? Are we just destined to end up with men we're not really attracted to?? Or, do we have to somehow tweak the way we interact w/a man that we're really into? Or do we have to curb our excitement about him and reel in the feelings?? Because I know some women who actually DO end up w/men who they ARE attracted to from jump...so what are those women doing that I'm not doing??
Anyway, I just felt like this video interview was perfect for women (like myself) who want to learn more about men and who wonder why the guys they like never like them, but the guys they don't always do lol.
I guess I'm going to have to work on being more confident and authentic around ALL guys...regardless.
I feel like I've known basic info about men all along for years, but Alison is finally revealing to me the REASONS behind why men do what they do, and WHY they think the way they think.
Here's the video I'm talking about..... The WHOLE entire video was EXCELLENT and contains SO many gems, but the part starting at minute 22:56 is what I'm referencing in this post.
Wow, you hit the nail on the hammer!!!!!!!!
Best,
Almond Eyes
ladysaraii
Well-Known Member
Also, I will add one thing that I definitely agreed with in your latter comments.... I think that a lot of other books on men/relationships/dating approach the subject of men with FEAR. "The Rules", WMLB, "Think Like a Man", etc.... imo ALL of those books (especially if they are written by a woman) are VERY fear-based. While I do still like and appreciate those books on some level, I now recognize them for what they are. The book "The Rules" is ESPECIALLY very fear-based.
I mean, the advice is just "rules" based on FEAR. When in actuality, the woman isn't being AUTHENTIC.
I don't know if I completely agree with this. I think that book like The Rules and WMLB is more about women learning how to set boundaries, both for men and (most importantly) themselves. That in itself is rather freeing, at least in my opinion. Alison even touches on it in TQC, but I think one thing women suck at is setting boundaries. And esp when we like a guy, forget it. Partially b/c of our need to be liked and our desire to be chosen so to speak.
I guess it depends on how you look at The Rules and WMLB (which I really prefer). You can have rules and be authentic. I look at them as training wheels to help get you started. And as you get more comfortable with yourself and with men, your own personal "Rules" or "cover charges" will change to fit you and your needs.
Maybe I'm weird, I like boundaries. When they're set, it's one last thing vying for my attention and I'm able to relax and be myself.
As with any of these books, if a piece of advice doesn't resonate with you, let it go.
I agree, I think it's important to set boundaries, especially in the beginning as it sets the stage for the rest of the courtship
Kimbosheart
Well-Known Member
Regarding "The Rules" and WMLB, I agree with @Crystalicequeen123, here's my rational.
I've heard a pastor and also Alison explain recently that it is in human nature to manipulate others and our environment to get our needs/wants satisfied. It starts as young children, extends to the workplace and is definitely in our romantic relationships. As it pertains to Men and Women, the manipulation is adversarial in particular because we have competing needs that we can only get from each other (historically). So if even a child manipulates their parents to get what they want...a women or a man will definitely manipulate to get their needs met. Sex/Attention and Power vs. Protection and Providing. I've read both books and "the rules" in particular is written not to set boundaries in my opinion but to elicit a particular response from a man-- get the ring. WMLB in my opinion is more about setting personal boundaries, but it is still written, even in the title, from the perspective of getting him to commit. Interestingly enough in every other area of life we have "rules" in adversarial situations. Courtrooms, Basketball courts, chess. Also, in those adversarial situations there is a winner and a loser, competition. To me the competition and opponent elements are built-in. I'm not sure I would stretch this understanding to a foundation of "Fear" but I can imagine that on a primal level the need to "win", "compete" and "manipulate" come from a fear that our basic needs as women or men will not be satisfied.
I think what we are experiencing in TQC and KTTK is the paradigm shift that we don't need to "compete" any more. It's 2015, so the historical contexts and instincts hardwired into us are not necessarily valid. Men and Women can provide/protect/have sex/get attention/power from many different sources. So now, we can come from a place of understanding and build partnerships. From this paradigm, TQC and KTTK have already broken several of "The Rules"
- Ask him if he may want to get together this weekend and let you know
- Don't play hard to get
- Remind him to call you- especially if he is a prince.
Now, I do completely agree that it is important to have boundaries and to let them be known upfront or as soon as they are broken. It's worthwhile to know your boundaries and deal breakers as well as what you want from the experience of dating. But now that I have seen the other side, I am wary of a book that says "do this" and "he will respond by doing that".
Last thing, yet another recommendation, the audiobook "in sync with the opposite sex" talks all about dating, setting boundaries, first conversations, etc...
I've heard a pastor and also Alison explain recently that it is in human nature to manipulate others and our environment to get our needs/wants satisfied. It starts as young children, extends to the workplace and is definitely in our romantic relationships. As it pertains to Men and Women, the manipulation is adversarial in particular because we have competing needs that we can only get from each other (historically). So if even a child manipulates their parents to get what they want...a women or a man will definitely manipulate to get their needs met. Sex/Attention and Power vs. Protection and Providing. I've read both books and "the rules" in particular is written not to set boundaries in my opinion but to elicit a particular response from a man-- get the ring. WMLB in my opinion is more about setting personal boundaries, but it is still written, even in the title, from the perspective of getting him to commit. Interestingly enough in every other area of life we have "rules" in adversarial situations. Courtrooms, Basketball courts, chess. Also, in those adversarial situations there is a winner and a loser, competition. To me the competition and opponent elements are built-in. I'm not sure I would stretch this understanding to a foundation of "Fear" but I can imagine that on a primal level the need to "win", "compete" and "manipulate" come from a fear that our basic needs as women or men will not be satisfied.
I think what we are experiencing in TQC and KTTK is the paradigm shift that we don't need to "compete" any more. It's 2015, so the historical contexts and instincts hardwired into us are not necessarily valid. Men and Women can provide/protect/have sex/get attention/power from many different sources. So now, we can come from a place of understanding and build partnerships. From this paradigm, TQC and KTTK have already broken several of "The Rules"
- Ask him if he may want to get together this weekend and let you know
- Don't play hard to get
- Remind him to call you- especially if he is a prince.
Now, I do completely agree that it is important to have boundaries and to let them be known upfront or as soon as they are broken. It's worthwhile to know your boundaries and deal breakers as well as what you want from the experience of dating. But now that I have seen the other side, I am wary of a book that says "do this" and "he will respond by doing that".
Last thing, yet another recommendation, the audiobook "in sync with the opposite sex" talks all about dating, setting boundaries, first conversations, etc...
Always~Wear~Joy
Well-Known Member
I really love this thread and I'm learning a lot.
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