Feminine Belles - Info/discussion/support Thread

I have recently read 'Getting to I Do" and now have started "Calling in the One"

Thanks for the recommendations on those books. All I can say is duh, I wish I had read all of this sooner.

I was one of those black women who put their career first and I worked in a male dominated environment and high achieving environment that was very racist and sexist. The funny part is that while I had the smarts for that environment, other women constantly wanted me to man up to stand up to the men and be less of a distraction. I worked in an environment where to sit at the table with the men you had to almost be one of them or be invisible, I chose to be invisible and dodge rather than give up my fem style.

One woman told me to cut my hair into a short fro, stop wearing make up and wear pants suits. I never did that thank goodness, but I found myself always making the first moves with alpha males that I always attract because of the way I carry myself. There was a complete disconnect with my outward image which is very feminine and then going overboard with the chasing which I never realized was a turn off and I read the Rules from cover to cover years ago.

So the combination of putting all into my career and then when I had the time off getting overly infatuated and 'chasing' men and at the same time not really having the time to go out because I was so exhausted had me having to do some serious reflection. I realized if I wanted to be marry I had to change many things.

My mother also had a high powered career and was a single mother and is a tough cookie and I know this influenced me. But now she and Dad are back again and she has a hard time letting go.

Now, I am single and I realized that I needed to leave that career to balance myself out and it hasn't been easy making the transition but people tell me I am more relaxed than ever before and I have more male attention because I am not desperate to make it happen because I have more personal time. I am not discouraging black women from taking high powered jobs at all but I can see how it made other areas of my life suffer. I am working towards my own business which will allow me to stay in the flow of my fem energy yet make money.

I really enjoy and love this thread.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
@almond eyes wow.. That was very interesting to read how the women at your old job were forcing you to man up so to speak. They just don't know any better. Good for you for sticking to your guns. What you said about attracting alpha males because of your feminine energy I could relate to that. For years I tried to be a King and was annoyed that the alpha males I usually attract always wanna take charge. That annoyed me so I tried to prove how I don't need them. Man did that backfire in the form of no subsequent dates. *sigh*
Lesson learned.
 
caribeandiva said:
@almond eyes wow.. That was very interesting to read how the women at your old job were forcing you to man up so to speak. They just don't know any better. Good for you for sticking to your guns. What you said about attracting alpha males because of your feminine energy I could relate to that. For years I tried to be a King and was annoyed that the alpha males I usually attract always wanna take charge. That annoyed me so I tried to prove how I don't need them. Man did that backfire in the form of no subsequent dates. *sigh*
Lesson learned.
Click to expand...


All I can say for myself is one big sigh. But when you know better you do better that is why knowledge is key. I agree with all that you have said about being a King but attracting alpha males doesn't work.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
Can we talk about the big deal with fixing a man's plate? What's so wrong with it? I think it's such a sweet thing to do
 
LoveisYou said:
Can we talk about the big deal with fixing a man's plate? What's so wrong with it? I think it's such a sweet thing to do
Click to expand...


In my culture it is a must. I grew up with my mother fixing plates for all of us including guests. So it is like second nature to me. I guess it's my love language
 
sweetvi said:
In my culture it is a must. I grew up with my mother fixing plates for all of us including guests. So it is like second nature to me. I guess it's my love language
Click to expand...

I would love some opinions on this as well. Some would say only fix a man's plate at home. Only fix a man's plate if you are his wife. And if you fix a man's plate in public unless he asks you too it can come off like more as a mother than a wifely action. I grew up in a different culture too where plate fixing in public is seen as feminine and appreciated however, I have been places where it looks like a mothering move rather than a wife move and some men do feel embarrassed unless they ask their wives.

I remember seeing my step cousin's wife do that catering to her husband at a function and sadly they ended up divorced. When I asked my cousin whoa what went wrong I thought she was doing it all right, my cousin said her brother wanted a mother not a wife and the wife got fed up.

Best,
Almond Eyes
 
Plate fixing is a sign of respect in my culture as well. The hostess of the house prepares a plate for everyone sharing the meal. I can't speak to what would happen while out because it would be the responsibility of the female host to dole out the food and other women of marriageable age help serve the men and children before themselves.
 
Crystalicequeen123 said:
Girl. you've gotta pick up that book!! :grin:
Click to expand...

I am so behind. :lol:

Can you please elaborate on what type of work you do now that was different from your previous position work? I didn't quite understand what you meant that it was the same profession but different capacity. Are you stating something like the difference between for example, being an attorney working in a huge, high-powered law firm vs. being an attorney working in the corporate industry or a Government entity in their Gneeral Counsel division?
Click to expand...

I really like that question.

Since I am not familiar with being an attorney I am going to assume the environments are different. If so, yes that is what I am talking about. :lol:

The environment I was previously in was unnecessarily stressful. I was continuously blamed for things I had no control over. A client sent an email complaining about the service, me and several other people were mentioned, I was singled out in a meeting. Another person was involved in a situation were the company could face a major lawsuit, no meeting called, but people are joking about it around the office. I was told that I had to help out in another department when they are short staff and I still had to complete my work on time. They hired a new employee that does nothing, makes more than I do, and when the head of the department tells her to help me she says "'ok", continues to do nothing, and all the work still falls back on me. I haven't even begin to tell you what I had to endure. Now that I work for myself I create the type of environment that I am comfortable with.

SN1: Not to mislead anyone, I didn't leave my job because I didn't add to my femininity. It was one of @TracyNicole post that lead me to realize the environment I was in was a hindrance to me. While I was in it I could not see the damage it was causing.
SN2: Just femininity as is individualist so are careers and there environments. What was stressful for me may bring out/nurture/promote the femininity in others. Do what works for you.
 
Making a plate of food is also cultural for me. If I was at home I would make a plate for my SO. At a family gathering if I was single I would handing out food to the younger and older guests, if I brought someone with me I would be responsible for making sure he was taken care off. At a non-family gathering I think I would turn to him and ask if he would like for me to make him something to eat.
 
I guess if it's serious for you and your man then the plate then it is what it is. I usually see the host or person cooking fix the plate or if your my guest I will fix yours. My guy has gone and fixed my plate for me before. So we go with the flow.

I'm still working thought the Alison Armstrong material. I have listened to the understanding women, and in sync with the opposite sex material and I can say it is worth it. I've listened to some 40 YouTube clips (I have a commute and while I'm at my deal) and the information in the audiobooks is more in depth and in detail. If you are dating then please listen to the in sync with the opposite sex. I found it gave some really direct dating advice and rationale behind it.

Right now I'm listening to the development of men and whoa... Lets just say even though I read KTTK I'm being hit with revelations.
 
LoveisYou said:
Can we talk about the big deal with fixing a man's plate? What's so wrong with it? I think it's such a sweet thing to do
Click to expand...

It's not wrong. What's wrong is forcing every woman to do it everywhere and tying her worth as a woman to whether she does it or not.

My mom didn't do it for my dad so it's not the norm for me. I would consider doing it in a relationship though.
 
LoveisYou said:
Can we talk about the big deal with fixing a man's plate? What's so wrong with it? I think it's such a sweet thing to do
Click to expand...
I don't see anything wrong with it. I used to fix plates for my mom and other family members all the time lol.

I think it's a loving thing to do. I don't mind catering to my man. :yep: As long as he's treating me right why not?

This is such a small thing imo. Lol.
 
@Kimbosheart, thanks for the idea for streamlining my activities. I’ve been off-line (from LHCF) due to a subscription lapse and was able to get a lot done, perhaps I should curtail my time on LHCF and limit it to certain time periods during the day. Usually I get amped and ready for the day, then I crash and procrastinate on the board lol.


@LovingLady, I’ve been stalking the planning thread (I’m a planner addict). Problem was I haven’t been consistent because I’m trying to find the perfect one that addresses all my needs so I’ve been trying several different types. I think I’ll take @TracyNicole ‘s suggestion for the Erin Condren.


@TracyNicole, I’ve been eying it for a while; I also have 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, I stopped at Habit 1 due to my procrastination lol. Also I have the “Life Changing Magic of Tidying” on my to do list.


@Crystalicequeen123, I think what I’m missing is a personal spiritual time to feed my spirit, I did for a bit and fell of the wagon. I find that once I’m centered I can get more done.


Thanks for the advice ladies! I think the following will help me manage my time more effectively:

1) 15 min “Me Time” every morning – meditating, praying, listening to self development, etc…

2) Purchasing an Erin Condren calendar (that will be my bday present)


Hopefully that’ll get me to the kick-start I need.


Thanks ladies!

ETA: I can relate to the posts about working in a high-powered environment with alpha males. A lot of my energy was spent competing or trying to prove that I was also competent or better than them (you know the deal). I've worked so hard in my career and I don't regret anything because I've learned so much about myself and about people. I think I'm in a good place now, where I can focus on honing my craft and stop competing. I never thought I'd say that (I use to want to be an executive). If it's in the cards for me to go higher, it will happen. Else I'm perfectly happy continuing in my line of work, and my emphasis will shift to the home.
 
caribeandiva said:
We're from the same culture but I've never been taught this. o_O
Click to expand...


Girl!!! My aunt, cousins, and mother still do this and they all live here. My younger cousin's who live here who I thought would not adapt that part of the culture does this as well. They love catering to their dad

Whenever I visit the country, my aunt will not eat until she has served her husbabd first, everyone else then herself
 
LovingLady said:
Making a plate of food is also cultural for me. If I was at home I would make a plate for my SO. At a family gathering if I was single I would handing out food to the younger and older guests, if I brought someone with me I would be responsible for making sure he was taken care off. At a non-family gathering I think I would turn to him and ask if he would like for me to make him something to eat.
Click to expand...

Although a lot of families in my culture follow that tradition, my family implemented it differently. My dad always ate last, but he made sure we served ourselves first from the serving dishes (either clock-wise or counter-clock wise around the table) and then he'll serve himself. At outings, my mom or one of us (his daughters) will get him food.

My husband doesn't really have a preference either. At home, I'll either make his plate or I'll have the serving dishes on the table and he'll prompt me to serve myself first. While out, I make his plate most of the time.
 
Any other revelations from TQC or KTTK? I'm really interested to hear some real life stories, or if you've noticed a difference since you've been applying the information.

I personally feel more at peace and it does give a more regal since of being about my personality. It's like I know what this is and I don't have to react or panic. I can just let it be. That being said, knowing is half the battle. And knowing that I'm acting wrong at times makes it that much more worse. This information really does have to sink in and become a habit. I 100% agree with Alison when she says that women need sleep. In order for me to be at my most feminine and not frog farming or scared I need to be well rested, fed, and comfortable in my skin and surroundings. It's like we say "men are babies" but we are the exact same way.
 
I cannot say enough about the Queen's Code. Let me explain....

I question EVERYTHING. I need to be persuaded and I need evidence lol. If you come to me with fluff, I will most likely discount it. I don't believe something is so because someone says it's so, which is why I love the Queen's Code. The book is well-reasoned and a lot of the information is supported by research and data. I dig that. There's a logical explanation for the points she makes. I am really rocking with this book.
 
almond eyes said:
I would love some opinions on this as well. Some would say only fix a man's plate at home. Only fix a man's plate if you are his wife. And if you fix a man's plate in public unless he asks you too it can come off like more as a mother than a wifely action. I grew up in a different culture too where plate fixing in public is seen as feminine and appreciated however, I have been places where it looks like a mothering move rather than a wife move and some men do feel embarrassed unless they ask their wives.

I remember seeing my step cousin's wife do that catering to her husband at a function and sadly they ended up divorced. When I asked my cousin whoa what went wrong I thought she was doing it all right, my cousin said her brother wanted a mother not a wife and the wife got fed up.

Best,
Almond Eyes
Click to expand...
It doesn't sound like her attentiveness toward her husband was the problem.
A woman can do all the plate fixing she wants but if the man has no respect for this type of woman it will not work.
He sounds like he took advantage of this and got really lazy.
And he probably never showed her the same attentiveness.
It can't be a one way street.
 
I finished Queen's code last night. I'm now on chapter 2 of KTTK. I'm really enjoying the storybook format of both books! So far I've really been applying the concept of men do everything for a reason. I might not understand it but I'm learning to trust men and their reasoning more. I have avoided feeling crummy and angry lots of time because of this one principle alone! I'm also learning to let men talk!! It's hard for me to not interrupt with my comments but I'm determined!! So far i have failed miserably at this cuz it's not in my nature but it's OK. I'll keep trying.
 
Through this thread I've finally internalized a very clear message that it is all about taking care of you. You- the unique, individual, woman. There are no rules. Meaning that for some reason women and clearly women on this board like rules and guidebooks. Like fix his plate, don't sleep with him on the first date, don't live with him before marriage, don't date longer than 2 yrs without engagement, study hard, go to the best school. It's so much and none of it seems to really matter to the desired outcome.

This is not something new. I've heard this before. But I feel like I finally got it and I think that studying femininity in the way that I have has allowed me to tap into a higher me. This may just be a ramble but it's the clearest epiphany. I feel like it's completely ok to be myself.

Learning about men was so I could be my own queen. It's all just to help me make better choices. Thank you ladies for being on this journey with me. Very interesting.
 
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Kimbosheart said:
Through this thread I've finally internalized a very clear message that it is all about taking care of you. You- the unique, individual, woman. There are no rules. Meaning that for some reason women and clearly women on this board like rules and guidebooks. Like fix his plate, don't sleep with him on the first date, don't live with him before marriage, don't date longer than 2 yrs without engagement, study hard, go to the best school. It's so much and none of it seems to really matter to the desired outcome.

This is not something new. I've heard this before. But like I feel like I finally got it and I think that studying femininity in the way that I have has allowed me to tap into a higher me. This may just be a ramble but it's the clearest epiphany. I feel like it's completely ok to be myself.

Learning about men was so I could be my own queen. It's all just to help me make better choices. Thank you ladies for being on this journey for me. Very interesting.
Click to expand...
Well said
 
Nefertiti0906 said:
@LovingLady, I’ve been stalking the planning thread (I’m a planner addict). Problem was I haven’t been consistent because I’m trying to find the perfect one that addresses all my needs so I’ve been trying several different types. I think I’ll take @TracyNicole ‘s suggestion for the Erin Condren.
Click to expand...

I got this one: http://www.amazon.com/Lilly-Pulitze...91714&sr=8-12&keywords=lilly+pulitzer+planner

I love it but it folds in half awkwardly.

Nefertiti0906 said:
Although a lot of families in my culture follow that tradition, my family implemented it differently. My dad always ate last, but he made sure we served ourselves first from the serving dishes (either clock-wise or counter-clock wise around the table) and then he'll serve himself. At outings, my mom or one of us (his daughters) will get him food.
Click to expand...
That is so sweet. :infatuated:

Kimbosheart said:
Learning about men was so I could be my own queen. It's all just to help me make better choices. Thank you ladies for being on this journey for me. Very interesting.
Click to expand...

:grouphug3:

rzij67.jpg
 
Just popping in to say I'm really enjoying all the Alison Armstrong stuff. I've been watching YT and listening to the mp3s and I'm gaining an entirely different perspective on male-female relationships. I've been experimenting on the men in my circle and I've definitely seen changes in how we interact. I have both books, but the format is killing me because I'm not a big fiction reader so I'll just power through and take notes.

@CurlyMoo
You can read the first chapter here.
 
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