VERY well-thought out response
@Kimbosheart 
I'm glad most of you saw what I was trying to get at and didn't jump to get offended. I wouldn't have dared ask this question on say the ET or OT boards....
I think it's good we can all think critically and be open-minded about seeing things a possible different way. I think this is at the HEART of the book "The Queen's Code".
The book keeps stressing the need for the two main characters to be OPEN-minded in order to see things a different way in their dealings w/men, male behavior, etc. In fact, being OPEN is the epitome of femininity. Fluidity, "go with the flow" = all feminine.
@Crystalicequeen123 yes and more yes....
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Because of our place on the totem pole in American society our instincts to protect ourselves and provide for ourselves are even more honed. There are generations of Black Women in this county where not one of women has had a break. We get it from white men, white women, black men, our children, other cultures and then in today's society its subliminal through constant media messaging and images. We will be strong, independent, the best mothers, the most capable fathers, the successful career women, the accomplished academic, the temptress, bad chick with the most style, my hair, the perfect body, the trap queen, Bonnie to his Clyde, innocent child who isn't "Asking for it", freak in the sheets, first lady of the church, TWICE AS GOOD. We don't just get to be ourselves. We must stand alone in every role and excel in it. So on top of needing to protect ourselves because society won't let our men protect us, we then have to expend all of this masculine energy to be everything blamelessly and perfectly. We are tired, and if asked... angry. That doesn't leave us much room to be charming and enchanting.
This is SO true.
In one of the African American courses I took back when I was in University, there was one author (forgot who now
) who stated that black women are the "mules of the earth". That comment/passage has stuck with me to this day. It's like, we never can catch a break.
Imo, while working to be more feminine should be something ALL races and cultures of women should strive to be (
especially if you're a woman living in the USA...
), in all honesty, we as BLACK women need to try even HARDER to make sure that we hone in and tap into our feminine radiance and femininity because we are so beat down by society in general.
It's almost
MORE imperative that
we do so.
When a man comes home to his castle, a castle he built using every bit of wit he had in a very dangerous world for him, it is so important for his women to make it all have meaning. If it is in a man's soul to provide we are literally denying his soul satisfaction when we don't show our appreciation. I do not mean physically but by putting down our swords and trusting him.
YES!!!
I think this is so true for ALL men in general (that's why they go to their caves lol), but definitely true for black men
especially. They get so beat up by the world, society, negative images, low expectations, some have a lack of a good/stable father figure, etc., so when they come home, they want to come home to PEACE and serenity. They don't want to come home to a nagging, negative, emasculating, harsh, neck-rolling, finger-snapping, argumentative wife lol.
MOST men don't want that.
Now that I've been reading TQC, I now see just how important it is that I
remain HAPPY in my day-to-day life...with or
without a man.
I used to read ALL the time in books like Mars Venus, and other relationship books that Men love a Woman with a SMILE...or that men LOVE "happy" women. I never really understood the reasoning behind it, I just knew that men are usually attracted to fun, happy, positive, and light-hearted women because they seem like they are "easy" to please.
But in TQC it's like I'm FINALLY "getting it" and it is hitting me
WHY they like women who are easy to please. When a man can PLEASE a woman, especially by what he is providing, this recharges his batteries, gives him great fulfillment, and INSPIRES him to give and provide MORE....which in turn, makes him even MORE happy (especially when he sees that you are happy). It's like a continuous cycle.
But when a woman is negative, unhappy with him most of the time, NOT impressed, etc. then this literally CRUSHES him. I'm convinced that this actually can cause depression in men over time.
I think the IR dating is probably for a ton of factors, Alison discusses imprinting and how that affects a man's type (hint black teachers for elementary school are important).
This is very interesting.....Does she talk more about this in one of her books? I'm curious to know more.
I guess my biggest question (and concern) is: Why does there seem to be so MUCH of an influx of bm speaking negatively (publically) about bw?? When, just a few decades ago back in the 90's when I was growing up, I RARELY (if ever) heard of such blantant disrespect towards bw...especially from our own bm.
I know I was just a little kid back then lol, so I Probably wasn't "in tune" to social issues....but I just never saw such negative, collective bashing of bw from our own. I didn't feel as though IR dating was AS prevalent as it is today, along with the elevating of non-black "exotical" women. I'm not saying things were "picture perfect" back then (farrrr from it), but just that there seemed to be more UNITY w/in the black community in GENERAL. You didn't hear of black men publically bashing black women on TV, or "les nouveaux noirs" stating how "racism is dead" and how the rest of us blacks are "blowing things out of proportion".
I mean, what has happened to the black community over the years?? What changed??
Is it just that due to technology now days we see more of what people think?? Have bm been secretly thinking this way for years but just never had the "platform" to voice it until now??
But I can easily believe that one of the factors could possibly be that women of other cultures may not have the burdens on them that black women do and are not quite as sensitive to instincts concerning protecting and providing and therefore are less quick to emasculate a man. In addition, men of other cultures may have an easier time being able to provide for their women and thus there is an example and pattern for both genders to follow.
^^THIS right here is hitting the nail on the head of something I've been suspecting for years, and I'm SO glad you broug this up.
This can't be stressed enough. The dynamics and history of AA women in this country is vastly different from even the history of African women who still live in the African continent. So views of femininity vary across the board from women of Indian, African, Hispanic, Asian, etc. women.
Can you see how much I love men and especially black men. I have a whole new appreciation for the good men I am fortunate to know. But also keep reading because in both Queens code and key's to the kingdom she explains the age gap in dating and actually recommends it but for other reasons.
Yes, this book is definitely helping me to appreciate men in general SO much more.
I also have more compassion and patience for men in general now, and especially for black men. I think this book should be required reading for bw.
]@Crystalicequeen123 This movie clip here from a movie I thought I loved (Single Moms club) illustrates what you are trying to say perfectly. Male castration in action:[/B]
OMG Terry Crews is a nut!
Ahem....lol... anyway, yes, that is awful how that lady responded.
In the past I used to erroneously assume that I had to be "difficult" to please or not so "easily impressed" by a man's actions, but this book is showing me that it's OKAY to be genuinely flattered, or impressed by a man's actions towards you. Let him impress you ladies!!!!
It's so funny, the more I come to appreciate men, the more "light-hearted" I feel, and the more FEMININE I feel as well.
It's so interesting how you cannot truly be a feminine woman, while at the same time going around HATING (or putting down) men. It's amazing how that works. We truly are the yin and the yang. One can't operate w/out the other. I'm assuming the same is true for men. I appreciate myself and my unique feminine qualities the more I come to appreciate men and THEIR unique traits and qualities. Never realized that would be the case!
I'm halfway through Feminine and Powerful. I'm already adding Queen's code and keys to the kingdom on my to buy list next. 
This thread is not good for my wallet. Oh and I don't mind if my stories here are quoted. I've shared so many personal things here over the years that it'd be easy to blackmail me. 
All in all its a good read but not as good as The Queen's code is proving to be for me. I'm already on chapter 3 of that book. And OMG I'm having epiphany after epiphany!! Even before I bought the book I had a sneaky suspicion that I am a frog farmer. Well the first chapter confirmed it! When my friends and I get together we do bash men. I'm ashamed to say that since I have 6 brothers and a dad. The part about castrating men really resonates with me. I'm thinking about the guy I'm currently dating and the times I've made him feel like he's 2 feet tall by trying to make him jealous 
. Interupting him when I ask him a question. I can already see that he was pulling away from me. Wow... if he didn't really like me he'd have bounced a long time ago. Instead he keeps trying to make this work between us. I think I need to stop telling my business to friends who like to put men down. I also need to treat men better in general. I remember one time that I told my dad that I lost respect for him because of something he didn't do. My brother literally said: "Wow... You just castrated the man!" I apologized to my dad but I don't think his ego ever recovered. Till this day I regret saying that to him. It doesn't help that my mom contributes to the castration too... I've got to learn to trust men. They're not all out to get into my pants and leave right after.
I've already felt transformed and I haven't even finished all of the books.
Even today I've been looking at men with a different light. I used to be so guarded around men and didn't even realize it... 
God works in mysterious ways. 
