Feminine Belles - Info/discussion/support Thread

[Kimbosheart]

I love this conversation. Because I follow politics closely, I see how the economic and educational policies set in place have undercut the "traditional values" our politicians have tried to endorse. To be even more clear: these effects are the outcomes of the laws and policies put in place by our federal government.

One of the things, I love about this thread in particular and sometimes the entire forum is that we are sharing information to help make our space in this world, in this country the best we can.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

The thing is I've come to realize that in whatever capacity a woman works she is always going to be equally important and what we are seeing these days is happening because we are not valued, and men are not the worst culprits- women are.

Yep!!! Bingo!
It's almost as though somewhere down the line we were taught that women had to be like men in order to be seen as worthy. I guess that is the truth when any group is in power....so many try to achieve the same things as the group in power does, simply to be accepted and considered worthy in society. The funny thing is (and again, I can't speak for other countries and cultures outside of the USA), most of the men preferred their wives in the household back then. I wasn't alive back then, but I don't think prior to the two World Wars men were basically calling women lazy or stupid simply because they didn't work in the work force. But now days....don't let a woman say she wants to be a stay at home mom after she gives birth to her child. She will be verbally stoned. I mean who can do it all though? If I got married and had kids, I would prefer to work Part Time (20 hours a week MAX) if that. Taking care of kids is a full-time job in itself! I just don't see how women are expected to do it all.

And don't even get me started on bw in this country. We as bw have ALWAYS pretty much had to work. Unless our husbands had money, bw have always been taking care of somebody's kids, being the nanny, being a nurse, being a care-taker, etc. So, it's not like "we" ever even had a "break". It's almost as if we went straight from picking cotton to being someone's nanny. But that's a topic for a different discussion. The point is, even a nanny job was probably more feminine for a woman (as taxing as it can be to take care of other people's children other than your own) than climbing the corporate ladders, reading charts, working in high-powered law firms, etc. like so many do today.

Again, I'm not saying that women should just stick to work roles of being nannies, nurses, seamstresses, or school teachers, but more so that as society has changed, women have found themselves in workforce roles that do NOTHING to build up their feminine essense, and I think this is VERY important for a woman. Otherwise we feel unfulfilled. We feel like something is missing. I think women who have children probably automatically can innately tap into that feminine essense a little easier than say a single, never been married woman. I'm not stating this as fact, but more so out of observance. Something changes when you become a mother I feel.

Many do not know their own worth and so they are incapable of fulfilling the role they were designed for and worse, they will try to block other women from doing so. I have lost track of the number of times I have been criticized by a woman for not doing it all but I rarely hear this type of bashing from men in my circle. All though they may not all support a woman being a full time wife and/or mother, most of them accept it's an impossible job for one person.

Yep! Very interesting isn't it??

I don't know if we can just abruptly become a society of single income households. I think one important strategy is embracing our femininity. It is why this project is so important to me. I think when women really get it, then they can start to focus on their own happiness.

Yep.... I am now seeing the bigger picture on why this journey we're on with regards to embracing our femininity is so important. It affects SO many things.

The problem is when you come home at the end of a long day of work, it gets easy to just turn on the TV or hand your child a phone or tablet to occupy them so that you can get dinner on the table or do laundry so they can have clean clothes, etc. Then it becomes a habit. You just need 5 minutes of peace and quiet, you have to return this phone call, etc, etc.

That is true... I didn't take that into consideration. I just wonder what people were doing before the invention of tablets and cell phones?? Oh right...it was the boob tube lol.. My main complaint wasn't so much with kids using tablets in general, but more so in public when families are out to dinner, or are supposed to be spending time together. You look at a table and everybody has their heads burried in their cell phones, tablets, video games, etc. It's like the simple art of conversation (even among peers/friends together) has just gone to waste. It's actually kind of disturbing to me.

So the question we really need to answer is what does modern femininity look like?

I'm just joking of course lol..... But I think that because women these days in "modern times" don't really know what true femininity is, they have resorted to HYPERsexualizing themselves in order to display this feminine spirit, when in actuality, that is not what true femininity is about at all.... It comes from WITHIN...not without.

 

[Kimbosheart]

. So the question we really need to answer is what does modern femininity look like?

I love this question. And to further narrow it down, What does modern black femininity look like?

 

[Kimbosheart]

I love your sense of humor @Crystalicequeen123 but beyonce is aspirational for a lot of women. The people who "have it all" to me in the public eye are Holly Robinson Peete and Michelle Obama. They show what a true partnership between a husband and wife looks like. But to @TracyNicole 's point, they have hired out the cooking and cleaning right?

 

[TracyNicole]

I love your sense of humor @Crystalicequeen123 but beyonce is aspirational for a lot of women. The people who "have it all" to me in the public eye are Holly Robinson Peete and Michelle Obama. They show what a true partnership between a husband and wife looks like. But to @TracyNicole 's point, they have hired out the cooking and cleaning right?

Kimbosheart I agree that those ladies are fabulous examples. I am not knocking any woman for farming out the mundane chores. I think my upset comes from the fact that it's a dirty little secret and it's the lies about what real life is like that sets us back. I didn't even know it was common to do so because the successful women don't really talk about it because people throw stones. If a black man hires someone to service the lawn he's doing well but if a woman has a cleaner or doesn't cook, she's lazy, trifling or does not have wifely skills.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I love this question. And to further narrow it down, What does modern black femininity look like?

To be honest, it's very hard to say....it seems like these days there isn't really a true feminine role model for women of ANY race these days.

Michelle Obama is a good pick, but surely there must be more?? In general I always thought Lady Di had a very feminine way about her as well. But she's dead..

Diana Ross is another good one, but she's a lot older.... I can't pick one "modern" woman for the modern black feminine role model. I have TONS of older black female role models I can name (my grandmother included), but in the year 2015?? I just can't think of one right now.

I love your sense of humor @Crystalicequeen123 but beyonce is aspirational for a lot of women. The people who "have it all" to me in the public eye are Holly Robinson Peete and Michelle Obama. They show what a true partnership between a husband and wife looks like. But to @TracyNicole 's point, they have hired out the cooking and cleaning right?

Yes, I love the Obama's and how they always seem like a loving, close-knit family. I always see them and feel like it's almost as if they married their best friend.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Kimbosheart I agree that those ladies are fabulous examples. I am not knocking any woman for farming out the mundane chores. I think my upset comes from the fact that it's a dirty little secret and it's the lies about what real life is like that sets us back. I didn't even know it was common to do so because the successful women don't really talk about it because people throw stones. If a black man hires someone to service the lawn he's doing well but if a woman has a cleaner or doesn't cook, she's lazy, trifling or does not have wifely skills.

My mom would hire a cleaning lady to come do a massive cleaning of our house at least once a month....and especially before huge house parties she threw.. But you're right, it's not like it was something she would broadcast.

 

[Kimbosheart]

@TracyNicole I'll try to take a stab at explaining Alison Armstrong's theory and solution for "the dirty little secret."

In Hunter and Gatherer societies, women depended on men for survival - safety and food. In this dynamic, women learned to be pleasers to attract and keep a man, and to get along with other women, who could tell them where the best "gatherings" were for their family. This is why women respond to criticism by changing the behavior and men don't.

The solution then is two-fold. First, override the hunter/gatherer instinct by shutting up the worry of reprisal from your man and other women. You don't need to compare how you make it "all" happen to other women anymore, thankfully. She also mentions that the biggest critic may be the perfect women in your head, rather than real live women who may make a comment about your choices. The second prong, is to engage your partner in the solution. Explain to him what you are trying to accomplish, ask him his opinion, see what he thinks matters the most that you must do for your family. She calls it the partnership solution.

So, I'm not suggesting you do anything different. I can understand that you are just venting a frustration. I'm only sharing the theory for the ladies in this thread. I've tried this on a small issue and the result was a less stressed out me, who was more fun for him to be with.

 

[TracyNicole]

@Kimbosheart that actually makes so much sense. I am very hard on myself and my biggest critic is my mother. My husband is the one who actually got the cleaners. I had the referral for over a year agonizing about calling and one day he just did it. Thankfully he is supportive of enlisting help or of me staying home but I can't shut up the monster in my head insisting that I have to do it all. Also there is the shame of feeling like I can't talk about this stuff to people I know in my regular life. There is a bit of frustration because I don't really understand how/why things are the way they are.

I feel like people are often fill with their own commentary of how you could make things work and rarely actually listen. Yes I could do it all but what quality of life would I have? None. I did it for the first year of my little one's life, starting my day at 4 am to make it all fit. By the time I finished cleaning up the kitchen after dinner I had nothing left for her. So for me this femininity quest is about finding genuine understanding of my role as woman, wife and mother. I want to figure it out so I can give my daughter the confidence and knowledge to make the best choices for herself.

 

[LovingLady]

I love this question. And to further narrow it down, What does modern black femininity look like?

To me it is a black women charting her own course while still holding true to the traditional masculine and feminine roles.

@TracyNicole I know exactly what you are talking about. I quit my job a few months ago because it was not yielding me the life that I want for myself and my family. People continuously ask me when am I going to get a job. The answer, never again. The way that am doing things now gives me the life I want. If you want to hire someone to clean for you there is nothing wrong with that. Your major priority is your family so your time should be spent with them not on doing things that are not as important.

 

[sweetvi]

I purchased a beautiful jewelry box from Amazon which I love very much. It forced me to get rid of all raggedy trinkets and organize my nice pieces of Jewelry. It also has hidden compartments and a case if I'm traveling out of town. This is my treat to myself and towards my feminity.

 

[Nefertiti0906]

Ladies great discussion! I've not been active on this thread as much as I want to because I'm so busy! I've always been the person who wanted a high powered career, that I didn't really even think about marriage and children. Now that I'm married and we're trying to have children, my paradigm is changing. I want to be able to spend quality time with my family, be custodian of the home, help my husband with his dreams AND also keep on track for my career (while also growing my dreams) but it's getting to be too much for me.

Someone posted earlier that a lot of their friends who are overwhelmed are angry, bitter, etc... I do not want that to happen to me, I was teetering in that direction and it was causing problems in my home so that's why I embarked on this feminine journey. Problem is I don't know how to start to implement my femininity, I suppose I could start with one thing at a time... I have conflicting priorities since I'm really only in the home (awake) approx. 5 hours a day but a bulk of that time is spent getting ready for work, getting ready for the next day or running errands; there's hardly any time for me to get my bearings.

Does anyone have a recommendation for how to become better at time management? I think I'd like to start with that first...

 

[Kimbosheart]

@TracyNicole thank you for being open to that theory. I was hoping I didn't step on anyone's toes because the pressure you feel to be a superwoman is very real. I hope you feel empowered to arrange things so that you are allowed to be the best you possible. The reading I've suggested by Allison Armstrong really hammer home the point about women needing to take care of themselves. For us to be self-confident and well rested and fulfilled in our roles so that we can be happy. The best thing we can be for the men in our life and our families is happy. She teaches men "happy wife, happy life" so they can understand how important it is for us to get rest. She says sleep is the number one thing we need for love making and so we can be in that mood and feel sexy.

@Nefertiti0906 I have 2 tips for time management that I repeat in literally every thread. Because they have been game changing for me. 1. Streamline your stuff and your life - eliminate things that don't bring you joy. Cut out unnecessary activities or outsource chores you hate doing and 2. Have a great planning system.

There are more tips within those 2 major themes but those are the highlights. Also a lot of prep can be done once a week.

 

[LovingLady]

@TracyNicole thank you for being open to that theory. I was hoping I didn't step on anyone's toes because the pressure you feel to be a superwoman is very real. I hope you feel empowered to arrange things so that you are allowed to be the best you possible. The reading I've suggested by Allison Armstrong really hammer home the point about women needing to take care of themselves. For us to be self-confident and well rested and fulfilled in our roles so that we can be happy. The best thing we can be for the men in our life and our families is happy. She teaches men "happy wife, happy life" so they can understand how important it is for us to get rest. She says sleep is the number one thing we need for love making and so we can be in that mood and feel sexy.

I hear men use that phrase to mean if they make their wife happy then their life will be happy. This is inaccurate. If your wife can not make herself happy there is nothing that you can do that will.

@Nefertiti0906 @Kimbosheart created a thread about planners that can help you become a better planner.
https://longhaircareforum.com/threads/any-planner-addicts.744513/

 

[TracyNicole]

@sweetvi that is a lovely jewelry box!

@Kimbosheart please continue to share. Even if some perspectives are difficult to receive the point of our community here is personal growth and I have accepted that it will not always be easy.

@LovingLady Thank you for sharing that. I actually left my job a few months ago for the same reason and know part of my anxiety is that I had hoped I would have figured most of this out before starting a new position but unfortunately I did not and am feeling a bit overwhelmed. Everyone in my household was happier when I was at home so I am determined to figure out how to provide a similar home environment without burning myself out!

@Nefertiti0906 We are in a similar boat. Kimbosheart gave some fabulous advice. I used to just enter appointments on my phone but last April I ordered an Erin Condren life planner and it has made a world of difference. I wholeheartedly recommend perusing the linked thread but also, if you haven't read the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People it's a great read and was integral to my learning how to properly use a planner.

I also recommend The Life Changing Magic of Tidying, mentioned previously, as a guide for paring down your household to the things that bring you joy. Most of us have too much stuff which makes t more challenging to do everything from cleaning to getting out the door. The best thing about the process-referred to as KMing all over the internet- is that it forces you to really examine your life and determine what makes you happiest.

Thanks for sharing and being supportive ladies. I really appreciate each and every one of you!

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Good morning Belles!

Wow, I am definitely LOVING the discussions in here!

BOOK REVIEW (So far) "The Queen's Code"
@Kimbosheart Girl...I have to thank you AGAIN for recommending "The Queen's Code". I'm on Chapter: "Hatpins, Stiletto's and Swords" and girl this chapter is so DEEP!!!!! I haven't even finished yet, but already I'm having epiphanies all over the place.

I think for a LONG time I have always held the erroneous belief that men are super strong and can handle everything, so it doesn't matter how you treat them, but over the years and through the reading of this book I now see that men have a soft and "fragile" side to them! They are "strong", yes....but a woman can emasculate or "castrate" a man so easily, and it's hurtful to them. I am doing the exercise today that the book mentioned about noticing how you have personally emasculated men in the past, how women emasculate men in everyday life (through observation), and how men REACT to being emasculated.

This morning as I was driving to work, I just started watching and looking at the many different types of men I saw walking on the street, or getting into their cars, walking out of their homes, etc. I watched ALL men....different age ranges, different races, different ethnic groups, different SES (ie. blue collar vs. white collar), etc. Girl, it was like I was looking at men for the first time! My heart kind of softened towards them in a way that I had never felt before. I started to feel sympathy for them.

For a LONG time I think deep down I have always felt that men were somehow the "enemy". I have been badly hurt in a couple of relationships in the past, and I think I unfortunately allowed that hurt and pain to define me and how I interact with men (even subconsciously) from that moment on (ie. with fear, distrust, resentment, judgement). Couple that with the fact that my father wasn't the most "loving" and affectionate man growing up, I kind of grew up with the notion that men were made of steel.

Also, when I thought back to my own previous relationships (even the ones where I was hurt), I saw that I too may have contributed to the demise of the relationship, and that maybe I've been a frog farmer all this time! I always knew that the failure of most of the relationships was a dual effort both on his part AND mine, but I didn't realize how my ACTIONS may have been more emasculating to him than I realized! Ignoring him or giving him the cold shoulder when he acted up/behaved "badly", not just acting normal when there were problems in the relationship, resorting to the "silent treatment", one time I lashed out at him verbally in public ... I was SO consumed with my OWN hurt feelings, my OWN pain, that I didn't realize that the way I was acting was simply not right at all. I consider myself a Christian, but yet the way I was treating him when things were challenging was not even Christ-Like!

When I recounted different events last night, I began to feel SO ashamed...and sad. How could I have been so blind?? It's not like I've had the best role model.... My mom (bless her) although a wonderful woman, has always in a way castrated men. She may not have done so w/my father so much (I was very young when they divorced, and she was more on the naive side because she was younger as well), but definitely with my stepdad. Always bragging about her good job, the sales/deals she's closed, not really listening to him even when he was depressed, putting him down, being consumed in her OWN feelings of hurt and pain, thinking "circles" around him, not following his lead, being the "independent woman", etc. Working in a very male-dominated environment for so many years has definitely changed my mom's feminine demeanor around men. She's good at what she does (I definitely give her credit for that), but because she's been so used to working in a male-dominated environment for so long, she's become almost "like a man" at work. And of course, she has unfortunately taken that masculine vibe home with her. And how did my stepdad respond?? Longer hours at work, never being home, going down to the basement in his cave ALL the time even when he was home, depression, passivity, increased bad relationship w/my mom, etc...the list goes on and on. So yea, let's just say I haven't had the BEST rolemodel when it comes to how to treat men.

But I'm SO glad I joined this board and started reading this book! It is definitely helping me to see guys (and men in general) in a totally different light. I never really believed that what a woman does affects a man so deeply, but now I see that it does! I'm wondering though, does this apply to women who are strangers as well??? Or are men only affected by the "women in their life"/ie gf/wife?

Another Epiphany: I'm also starting to wonder if it's that men really prefer younger women simply because of their "youthfulness", but more so because younger women tend to be less hardened by the experiences in life, they look at men with awe because due to being younger in age, there has been less chance to be burned by men in the past, and maybe the younger women aren't as frustrated with men and so they don't emasculate them as much. There's a popular quote that states that we don't fall in love with people, we fall in love with the FEELING we get when we're around a certain person. I think for men this is definitely true. This book is really causing me to think HARD and throw out all the old ways I used to think men were acting and the reasons why. Definitely a huge eye-opener!

Anyway, sorry for the long tangent, I just had to express my thoughts and feelings. My heart has slowly started to soften towards men. I didn't realize that for so long I had been carrying around so much pain and resentment towards them in general. I thought I just had to get over my own personal thoughts and feelings about myself. I didn't realize deeper work needed to be done with regards to how I view men in general...especially men I'm interested in. NOW it's finally making sense why it's always been hard to attract men I'm ACTUALLY interested in! There's a fear there (due to past hurt) that is preventing me from fully opening myself up and "putting the sword down" (as the book so eloquently epxressed). I'm going to work EXTRA hard from now on to watch how I treat men, what I say about them internally and in private w/my girlfriends, and just how I am in general around them.

UPDATE!!!
-I just bought a new brand new sewing machine the other night!! Idk if I told you guys, but I'm getting into sewing. I have a friend who is teaching me, and so I just bought my own sewing machine the other day. It's nothing fancy or anything, but it's very nice. My goal is to make a dress and a skirt before the year is out. I feel VERY feminine when I'm sewing. I feel like I'm learning a feminne craft that I can use and have for the rest of my life.

-Just last night I went to Trader Joe's to do some grocery shopping, and I was trying to get the stupid carts from outside so that I could take it in to do my shopping. I was pulling that thing but it wouldn't budge/break away from the other carts! I just laughed outloud and said: "oh forget it!!" Then, a nice gentleman saw me and said: "you want a cart?" I was about to walk in the store and say : "Oh it's okay, I'll just use a basket, I'm not getting that many things anyway" (the OLD me). But since I've been on this Feminine Journey, I smiled and said: "oh yes, sure!" He then yanked the cart a couple of times and out it popped out! Voila!!! He made it look so easy lol! I just smiled sweetly and said: "thank you so much!!" Girls....you should have seen the grin on his face!!! He said "you're welcome!" and had the biggest grin on his face!!! He looked so proud lol.

It's AMAZING! I guess what they say is true! Men really do THRIVE on helping women! It still feels a little odd (I'll admit) to accept help from men (especially strangers). I'm so used to saying: "Oh it's okay..." or, "thanks but I think I've got it".....almost as if I'm somehow "inconveniencing" men if they help me. What I now realize is that if a man is ASKING to help you, he WANTS to help you. He feels FULFILLED when he helps out..especially a woman. Whereas on Venus, a woman may ask: "you need any help with that?", but deep down she may not actually want to help, or she may feel overwhelmed already but in order to appear helpful she'll tap out of her own resources to try to help out.

But now that I've been applying the ways of femininity I find that it's getting a little easier to accept help from men. It still feels a little strange lol, but I'm relaxing more and more into it as more and more men are opening doors for me, offering to help (and I'm accepting), etc. It feels good! I feel special.

@Nefertiti0906 Girrrl.....I wish I could help you on time managment, but I'm in the same predicament that you are!! I WILL say however that I have started making a schedule of the things I want to get accomplished each day of the week, every week. I have a category for my personal spiritual routine, my cleaning/chores/house duties, my workout/gym regimen, and my personal me time.

@sweetvi Awww...I love your cute little jewelry box!!! Very feminine!

@LovingLady wow girl, you are brave in quitting your job. I wish I could afford to quit my job... When I worked part time when I first moved out here to CA, I started getting used to it. It was SO much less stress! I LOVED it. I came to see working full-time as being overrated. Who said we HAVE to work 5 days a week anyway?? Who implemented THAT rule?? Just pay people the same amount for 4 days a week. I guarantee the staff would be less stressed lol. Anyway, until I find a rommate or a husband , I HAVE to work full time unfortunately.

@TracyNicole Yea I agree with the other women on here. Don't let a fear of what others think cause you to go crazy because you feel like you have to do it ALL yourself. If anyone asks why you hired a maid or whatever, just smile sweetly and say: "Because I wanted to have more time to spend with my kids and family, and unless you're paying the bills in my household, I can do whatever I want with my money. Tata, and carry along now..."

 

[Kimbosheart]

@Crystalicequeen123 I felt the same way after reading that book. I was frog farming my boyfriend. I'm working to change those bad habits. I think even those of us with the best role models pick up bad habits and thoughts about men from society, our girlfriends, tv shows and movies. It's everywhere. I love the advice in the book about not beating yourself up for the past and promising to be different in the future.

Congratulations on the sewing machine, I love sewing but it can get to be an expensive hobby in time and materials. I mainly sew things for the house now, but skirts and dresses are easy enough to make.

 

[sweetvi]

@Crystalicequeen123

I love when u write. So animated lol

" Ignoring him or giving him the cold shoulder when he acted up/behaved "badly", not just acting normal when there were problems in therelationship, resorting to the "silent treatment", one time I lashed out at him verbally in public "

This really stood out because I am the same exact way!!! I like that she encourages communication. When I am upset , I don't express myself but I give the guy a cold shoulder or stop talking to them for days. That doesn't solve anything.

I admit it! I am a frog farmer or have displayed traits similar to that. I am a go getter and I have taken reign of relationships plenty of times. It was not to my benefit in the end. Also I do remember men being soft n sensitive but this book gives me an entire different perspectivd. We do turn men into Hairy women lol.

Now back to my book

 

[TracyNicole]

I am really looking forward to finishing the Queen's Code. I too am a frog farmer. Oh no!

 

[TopShelf]

My god! I scored a 0 out of 105! I am truly frightened. So, because I like to work alone, will take charge when others are confused and want a man who is strong and silent...I don't have a shred of feminity??? I guess I should just become nun.

I got the same score.....lol!!!!!

I cook, bake, sew, wear primarily dresses, simple hairstyles, makeup, bring my friend lunch every other monday. But I guess I am clearly doing something wrong in a major way

 

[shermeezy]

Kimbosheart I agree that those ladies are fabulous examples. I am not knocking any woman for farming out the mundane chores. I think my upset comes from the fact that it's a dirty little secret and it's the lies about what real life is like that sets us back. I didn't even know it was common to do so because the successful women don't really talk about it because people throw stones. If a black man hires someone to service the lawn he's doing well but if a woman has a cleaner or doesn't cook, she's lazy, trifling or does not have wifely skills.

This is so true. I rarely admit to people that we have a cleaning lady. I try to hire-out for as many of the mundane tasks that I can. Working a full-time job with kids is unbelievably stressful. I would give it up in a minute if I could (also something I would never admit to my peers without being flamed). My kids deserve more time with their parents. I'm one of the lucky ones because I don't have a long commute and I don't cook complex meals once I get home. However, I'm constantly stressed and tired!

This past year, I've made a promise to take better care of myself. After 11 years of working, I have come to the realization that I am not built to live this way. I've started monthly massages and I'm really trying to connect to my feminine energy more often.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

@Crystalicequeen123 I felt the same way after reading that book. I was frog farming my boyfriend. I'm working to change those bad habits. I think even those of us with the best role models pick up bad habits and thoughts about men from society, our girlfriends, tv shows and movies. It's everywhere. I love the advice in the book about not beating yourself up for the past and promising to be different in the future.

Congratulations on the sewing machine, I love sewing but it can get to be an expensive hobby in time and materials. I mainly sew things for the house now, but skirts and dresses are easy enough to make.

YES.....that's so true. Frog Farming is found everywhere in our daily lives lol. It's not surprising we pick it up.

I feel like the main character Kimberlee in the book. Back in the day I used to laugh at movies that made fun of men, or high-five girlfriends during happy hour or girl's night out when they would talk about their latest heartbreak or "jerk of the week". But now when I look back, I feel somewhat ashamed. That type of attitude was not only NOT feminine, but also one that would NOT attract a GOOD man to us. A lot of times it's not even so much what we say, but even just the energy we are putting out that men sometimes subconsciously pick up on.

I'm working on this as well.

@Crystalicequeen123

I love when u write. So animated lol

" Ignoring him or giving him the cold shoulder when he acted up/behaved "badly", not just acting normal when there were problems in therelationship, resorting to the "silent treatment", one time I lashed out at him verbally in public "

This really stood out because I am the same exact way!!! I like that she encourages communication. When I am upset , I don't express myself but I give the guy a cold shoulder or stop talking to them for days. That doesn't solve anything.

I admit it! I am a frog farmer or have displayed traits similar to that. I am a go getter and I have taken reign of relationships plenty of times. It was not to my benefit in the end. Also I do remember men being soft n sensitive but this book gives me an entire different perspectivd. We do turn men into Hairy women lol.

Now back to my book

I'm glad someone else can relate!!! I didn't realize that I was a "Frog Farmer" before reading this book, but I HAVE always noticed that guys I'm personally interested in tend to "change" after a while, and I always used to assume it was them, but now I'm seeing that all this time it may have been me all along. I don't know if I bring out the best in men that I'm personally interested in, and that's probably precisely why it's so hard for me to find something mutual these days.

I am really looking forward to finishing the Queen's Code. I too am a frog farmer. Oh no!

Girl...this book is #TRUTH!!!!!

@Kimbosheart did you notice a stark difference/change in yourself after you finished The Queen's Code? Like, did it stay with you for a long time? Or in time did you forget the wisdom in the book and resort back to old habits?

I got the same score.....lol!!!!!

I cook, bake, sew, wear primarily dresses, simple hairstyles, makeup, bring my friend lunch every other monday. But I guess I am clearly doing something wrong in a major way

You know, I'd actually be curious to know what our scores will be in December after at least 6 months of being on this Feminine Journey. How about we each take the quiz again in December and post it on here? Maybe some scores will have changed lol...

 

[Kimbosheart]

@Crystalicequeen123 lol, my SO noticed a difference in me for sure. I'm still reading through all of her stuff and listening to her interviews. So it's still fresh on my mind. I will say, nothing hits quite as hard for me as the books just because of how the examples are woven into the story she is telling. I notice that it is hard to quit the old habits in that you pick up that sword of emasculation so easily and quickly, you almost don't notice it's there. It really takes a while to let a new frame of mind sink in. I'm definitely making mistakes still but I just try to catch myself, apologize and do better.

But now that you've read some of the book, do you understand better what I was saying about being more feminine through an understanding of men? That understanding of how men behave and why, as well as how to work with them has increased my feminine qualities in neat ways. I don't feel the pressure to necessarily always look the part by wearing skirts or whatever because I am the part. Her advice on just how to build yourself up really makes a difference in your interactions with men in your life. Once you finish the queen's code, please read keys to the kingdom. I think the keys to the kingdom will really help you in the dating world. You will learn what to take personally and what to ignore and how to give a man exactly what he needs for the stage of life he is in. I wish I had read these books back in college. But things happen for a reason. As you can see from the queen's code, you do have to be open to this way of thinking. More Kimberlee and less Myra.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

@Crystalicequeen123 lol, my SO noticed a difference in me for sure. I'm still reading through all of her stuff and listening to her interviews. So it's still fresh on my mind. I will say, nothing hits quite as hard for me as the books just because of how the examples are woven into the story she is telling. I notice that it is hard to quit the old habits in that you pick up that sword of emasculation so easily and quickly, you almost don't notice it's there. It really takes a while to let a new frame of mind sink in. I'm definitely making mistakes still but I just try to catch myself, apologize and do better.

Good for you!!! You're making great progress! I'm glad you were honest in your personal assessment.

Yes, I think it is going to be hard to break old habits. I know for me, I'm not usually condescending or demeaning of men in my day to day life (I'm usually very sweet, demure, and kind). And lately I've been toning down the "male bashing" with my friends anyway simply due to not wanting to be negative in that way. BUT....when it's a man who I'm romantically interested in or have some feeling towards, THAT is when things go haywire. My thoughts do the most damage more so than the actual words I speak or the actions I take. I think when we have feelings for someone we start not to think rationally. EVERY single little thing they do can offend us. We think they're doing something "on purpose". Oh boy I can't wait to get to the part in the book when it talks about why men do certain things. Because usually I AM thinking they are behaving a certain way on purpose just to hurt me. That's NOT a good foundation for a good relationship.

I think my biggest challenge however will be learning not to take everything personally around men I'm romantically involved with or interested in (okay..so he didn't call me EXACTLY when he said he would...no need to get testy), as well as learning how to not let FEAR control/run my love life. Ever since my previous heartbreaks, I now find that I shut down emotionally and lead with fear in my dealings with men who I'm romantically involved with, instead of leading with love, OPENNESS, trust, femininity, and kindness.

Gosh I have so much to work on!!

But now that you've read some of the book, do you understand better what I was saying about being more feminine through an understanding of men? That understanding of how men behave and why, as well as how to work with them has increased my feminine qualities in neat ways. I don't feel the pressure to necessarily always look the part by wearing skirts or whatever because I am the part. Her advice on just how to build yourself up really makes a difference in your interactions with men in your life. Once you finish the queen's code, please read keys to the kingdom. I think the keys to the kingdom will really help you in the dating world. You will learn what to take personally and what to ignore and how to give a man exactly what he needs for the stage of life he is in. I wish I had read these books back in college. But things happen for a reason. As you can see from the queen's code, you do have to be open to this way of thinking. More Kimberlee and less Myra.

YES YES! NOW I see what you were talking about! It all makes sense now. It also makes sense as to why some women can walk into a room and although she may not be the prettiest woman in the bunch, the men just flock to her like bees to honey. I think part of it is not just her dress/hair/way of grooming, but more so the essence that flows from her.... That feminine vibe.

I also now see how learning more about men will help me to increase in my OWN feminine essence.

I might just buy Keys to the Kingdom before I even finish the Queens Code lol!

 

[sweetvi]

next on my list: Keys to the Kingdom!!!!!

anyhoo this is an excerpt from the book that stuck out to me personally:

"Women ask for too little. and demand too much" ......there are two possible responses to a demand: resist or submit. The demand itself eliminates any possibility of giving. "

Then the story goes on to explain that the heart of a man is a provider, they want to provide but they don't know what we need. We have to ask using the "need" word

she elaborates more in the book Queen's Code lol

This reminds me of me: I dated someone who was bad at calling or texting. For me it was a nuisance because I needed to feel special by hearing from him often in the day. it became to the point where I admittedly stalked his WhatsApp and facebook posts because I was annoyed he wasn't reaching out. although when he is with me, we are together However, I never told him that was important to me, he was just anti text and phone and didn't think anything of it. well one day I blew up at him because I was so tired of hoping h gets it. of course, he shut down and resisted me more........ eventually our relationsip ended but I felt my issues and needs were never addressed. I kept it all bottled inside and shut down n also pushed him away. le sigh.

I'm learning..im learning le sghh


ok back to the book

please don't quote my story!!

 

[Kimbosheart]

@sweetvi of course. Ladies can we make it a rule not to quote personal stories in this thread?

What I love about this material is it takes concepts we've learned and goes a few steps deeper to the core. For instance, fascinating womanhood, which I love, talks about how a women sets the tone for her relationship and if she can be happy and light and forgiving her man will want to treat her well. With the queens code I learned why that is. That a happy women is one who is confident, authentic, passionate and knows how to receive. And that a man wants to provide what that woman needs to keep her happy.

 

[LovingLady]

I agree with the non quoting

 

[sweetvi]

Thank you! I don't mind sharing..I just don't want it used against me later. I'm so glad this thread has continued to remain positive and encouraging. Whoo hoo

 

[ladysaraii]

I'm reading the queens code and enjoying it. This chapter on sex is so darn awkward though, I want them to get on with it!

This is very well explained information though.

 

[sweetvi]

Why did I just purchased the keys to the kingdom lol. Smh. Next boook!