Feminine Belles - Info/discussion/support Thread

@Kimbosheart I think we've all got our noses buried in a book! I am doing well.

I spent the summer working on my home and my physical self. My space is transformed and barring some renovations I would like to have done, it feels like a real home now. I am currently skimming Home Comforts and Martha Stewart's Homekeeping Handbook. There is so much to be said for the way a woman keeps her home, something I never spent much time thinking about. More so than keeping it clean, it's about creating a positive and welcoming atmosphere.

In terms of my physical self, I am moving more, cooking more and revamping my wardrobe. I am also putting in more effort now to negotiating work life balance and all in all, everyone in my house seems happier. I have been spending my free moments reading blogs written form a christian woman perspective and I have been struggling to find any written by women of color so if anyone knows of any wife/mommy bloggers who are women of color please share.
 
@TracyNicole and @sweetvi I do believe you're right and I apologize. So many good blog and book information has been posted lately, it makes sense that we are all off to read and research.

Who is the Home Comforts book by? I had the Martha Stewart book but I sold it to Half Price Books during one of my cleanings. Should I look into both again, now that I have a real home, I want to take care of.

I'll post a few articles from my girl, in separate replies. She has so much info out there and I'm honestly ready to be through with it all but I realize she has 20 yrs of info to share. I hope one day I can be a resource like this for women I encounter. After this, I need to work through some of her recommendations for self-study.
 
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The Anatomy of a Woman’s Feelings #36
This may be the most important article I have ever written. Please feel free to pass this on to all the women AND all the men in your life. – Alison.

Heart and Lungs, Life and Energy
Imagine, if you will, a woman. Let’s look inside of her. Not the way a doctor might see her, but someone with more intuitive vision. In the center of her chest is a very unique organ. It looks like a disk about the size of a salad plate, up to two inches thick, and it fills her chest. When it is healthy, the color is a vibrant red or magenta or red-orange, and the surface is soft and even bubbly. Like the lungs, it pulls life and energy in from the environment. Specifically from nature, from the joy of loved ones, from beauty. Like the heart, it is connected to every part of her body through a complex circulatory system. As life and energy are pulled into it, life and energy travel to every extremity.

This organ is called “her feelings” and it is the core of her being.

When a woman is delighted or happy, this organ fills with life and energy, expanding and expanding. The life and energy move from her chest to her lungs, and she may breathe more heavily or deeply. From there, the life and energy move to her throat, and she may laugh or giggle or sing. Continuing upward, her mouth turns into a smile, her skin glows and her eyes sparkle. The life and energy flow through her smile and skin and eyes to the people around her and they are uplifted. When the life and energy reach her brain, they fill her head with hopeful, loving, magnanimous, creative thoughts. And as they reach her arms and legs, hands and feet, her step becomes lighter and she may even dance.

This is when she is her most powerful, and paradoxically, her most vulnerable. Bask in her beauty and light and treat her with care.

Pain and Blackness, Silence and Immobility
Imagine now that something happens which “hurts her feelings.” Intentional act or mere oversight, when a woman’s feelings are hurt, the process works in reverse. The rate at which this occurs depends on how harsh or shocking was the hurtful act or comment. It may take three to thirty minutes for the process to be complete.

Within a few seconds the organ has constricted, changing color to black or dark gray and becoming hard and tight like a rock or fist. Vibrant and pulsing a moment before, it lies lifeless. The woman might gasp as she feels the core of her being shrink and harden. Then this new death travels the pathways that life and energy flowed through just moments before.

Being closest to her lungs, breathing will be the first to go. She will feel as if she can’t breathe and her actual breaths will become shallow. Next is the throat. She will be able to speak for only a few moments longer and then the death-feeling will shut down all energy to her throat. The “silent treatment” that others dread is not voluntary. She cannot speak. Her eyes will suddenly become sensitive to light, and especially to people. She’ll have to avoid all eye contact, for it hurts them. After a few more minutes the life and energy is gone from her arms and legs. If she can’t cocoon, she’ll move slowly. If she can, she’ll find a safe place, curl up and become immobile. As time passes, her body feels heavier and heavier, like dirt is being piled on top of her.

In her experience, she has been completely shut down. Then the real mischief begins.

For one small, crucial part of her brain has a back up generator, which turns on as the rest herself shuts off. And it has access to a specific set of files. Let’s call it “the Rage Monster.” While she lies breathless, speechless, blind and immobile, the Rage Monster dips into all the records of irritations, annoyances, pet peeves, and any unresolved injuries. With only these to work with, the Rage Monster starts churning out speeches. Its fantasy is all-out verbal warfare. It plots revenge.

As time goes on, the Rage Monster will gather momentum. Physical proximity to the person who her hurt her feelings fuels the Rage Monster, giving it energy. Though lying buried under dirt, mute and blind, the woman may try to move to a distance from the source of the hurt, understanding intuitively that this might quiet the beast in her head. She may move to another room or out of the house altogether.

On the surface, the Rage Monster may take over the woman’s facial muscles, making her look angry or upset. But underneath its rantings, a small voice in her head is pleading for help, hoping the person who buried her might come dig her out. For he or she is the only one who can.

On the Other Side
Now let’s look from the point of view of the man. Why a man? Because women are more vulnerable to the men they love than anyone else on Earth. And because feelings are different for men. Or so they have told me. Men’s feelings, while just as deep and significant, don’t have the circulatory system women have. Scientists tell us that men don’t have as many connections in their brains from the feeling centers and language centers. This is good, by the way. Different but valuable for many purposes.

So, having a different relationship to feelings in general, the man does not realize that he has just hurt the woman. Whatever he did or said was not intended to be hurtful. Healthy men (which most are) never intend to hurt women. And that same remark or action would probably not have hurt him. He has no idea that her feelings are the organ at the core of her being from which all life and energy flow. No one has ever explained that to him.

After a prolonged silence, he starts to worry that she may be mad at him. He hopes this isn’t true. If he loves her, then her being mad at him is the worst thing that can happen. He is hoping, and maybe praying, that she’s upset at something else, but please, not at him. As one man expressed it, “I’d pay a million, billion, gazillion dollars for her not to be mad at me.” For a being designed to pursue success in every area, this is the worst failure. She is the sun and the moon and both have suddenly deserted his life. And he doesn’t know why.

If she does something that clearly indicates that the anger is directed at him, then hope will die, he’ll know he failed, and there is nothing to do now but fix it. If he has been able to fix it in the past, he’ll quickly respond. If he has never been able to fix it, then he’s really sunk.

Until the woman does something that overtly communicates anger, like going to sleep in the other room or stomping out of the house, he’ll keep hoping that it isn’t him. This is how the woman can be left buried under the dirt in darkness and silence for hours. He doesn’t mean to be cruel. He doesn’t know that she’s drowning and that he’s the only lifeguard.

“I’m Sorry I Hurt You” Raises the Dead
When he does go her, he’ll want to confront the anger head-on. Because he thinks it is real. He doesn’t know that it is the Rage Monster’s default program of miscellaneous junk that really didn’t bother her that much at the time. If he engages the Rage Monster by being angry himself - perhaps because it seems unfair to him that she is angry - then he’s likely to hear all the trash that has been being gathered and rehearsed. A smart man will treat it like the garbage disposal backing up. An informed man could avoid it altogether.

Beneath the anger is the hurt that shut down the whole system and enabled the Rage Monster to take over. If he says, “I’m sorry” - and means it - life will suddenly flow back into her chest and make its way to the rest of her body. It will take a while to reach all the different parts, so he should be patient. But as soon as he says, “I’m sorry,” with true kindness and remorse, the generator to the Rage Monster will shut down and its products quickly fade away. Her true self will take over her mind and her vocal chords again.

What should he be sorry for? Women usually need to hear “I’m sorry” for two things. She needs him to apologize for whatever he said or did, or failed to say or do. And here’s the catch - even if it was justified. Suppose he was late because his boss kept him at work. Completely understandable. But she still needs him to apologize for being late.

The second thing is even more important. Sometimes it is all that matters. She needs him to apologize for how he made her feel. She needs him to apologize for hurting her. He should say, and mean, “I’m sorry I hurt you.” If she suddenly sobs when he says, “I’m sorry I hurt you,” he shouldn’t fear. This sob is a powerful release of the hard, black fist that has gripped her chest. These words open her prison, and soon, she will be tearful but almost smiling, and on her way back to breathing in life and energy again.

“Ouch” May be the Magic Word
Having recently discovered that Greg, my husband of ten years, didn’t know any of the above, I became passionate about telling every man I know, and encouraging other women to do the same. I also began to wonder if there is a way to short circuit the whole cycle. I asked Greg what might happen if, during the few moments before my throat shut down, I said, “Ouch.” Would that alert him to my being hurt? Would that have the lifeguard jump into the water immediately and save me? Greg thought it might.

I understood, of course, that saying “Ouch” would not be easy. When I have been hurt and the system is in the processing of shutting down, making me more vulnerable seems like the last thing I should do. But I was determined to try it at the earliest opportunity.

The very next evening Greg said something that hurt my feelings. Since I was on the way to the market with my mother, my throat didn’t immediately close down, so the Rage Monster could vocalize. I called Greg on my cell phone from the grocery store and gave him a piece of my mind. He reacted in anger and, naturally, fought back. That made the Rage Monster boil to dangerous levels. Some will of mine prevailed and I hung up, thereby gaining some crucial distance.

As I picked out cucumbers and peppers, a small voice in my head said, “Perhaps you should have said ‘Ouch’.” The Rage Monster responded, “It’s too late for that!”

When I arrived home, all the usual symptoms were there. Although I was preparing dinner, I moved slowly, I could hardly speak and I couldn’t look at Greg at all. Then Annie, my youngest, volunteered to get something from the garage refrigerator, where Greg was at the time. Suddenly, I broke through and said, “Annie, tell Dad, ‘Mom says Ouch’.” She looked at her sister like I was crazy so I repeated myself more emphatically. She said okay and went to the garage.

I think he ran. A moment later he was encircling me with his arms and saying, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I hurt you. Thank you so much for saying ‘Ouch.’ Thank you so much for telling me what you needed.” Suddenly I could speak. I told him simply what hurt. He apologized. We hugged. And it was over. Just like that.

I haven’t had the chance to try “Ouch” again. By understanding so much of men’s behavior, I am rarely hurt by the things they do. So it was an experiment of only one incident. But since then I have spoken to hundreds of women about our feelings. They have all agreed with the description here.

I encourage you to try “Ouch” yourself. Whether you can do it in those first critical moments, or muster the ability some time later, as I did, I think it is worth doing. I would love to hear how it goes.

Peace
 
This is the first in a series of Celebrating Men Morsels about Relationship Models.

Each of us has a clear idea of what the main purpose of a long-term relationship should be. In other words, what the priority of the relationship should be, which becomes the organizing principle. Usually this core purpose, which is clear to us, is unexamined and unarticulated. This is why it can cause a lot of misunderstandings, hurt feelings and persistent, unresolved conflicts.

We call these core purposes “Relationship Models.” The mischief they cause stems from how invisible they are – they just seem like the “right way” to be related. Our model seems so correct to us that we, even, don’t understand how or why a couple stays together when they don’t conform to our model. The most conflict will occur when our chosen partner has a different model.

Here are examples of Relationship Models:

  • The Legacy Model. This is the one we inherited from our ancestors. The focus is usually on the children; making sure they succeed even more than their parents. In the absence of children, there may be another type of legacy that becomes the priority, such as wealth, power, contribution, etc.
  • The Companionship Model. For this model, being together and “doing life together,” is the main priority. In selecting a mate, getting along easily and many common interests are firsts on the list. Variations on the Companionship Model would include “Share Adventure” and “Share Hobbies.”
  • The Support Model. This type of relationship is organized around providing what each other needs to accomplish personal goals or dreams. They don’t expect to “work on” the relationship much; they expect the relationship to support them in what they are working on in life outside the relationship.
  • The Karma Model. The purpose of this relationship is to cause maximum personal growth. Partners will be chosen by how much they challenge each other to expand their physical, emotional, conceptual or spiritual worlds.
This is the second in a series of Celebrating Men Morsels about Relationship Models.

Since our Relationship Model just seems like the correct way to be related, we are often baffled by couples that don’t conform to our model. For example:

  • Companionship Model folks can’t understand why a Legacy couple stays together when they don’t seem to share a lot of common interests or spend much time together. They also wonder why Support Model couples, who clearly like each other, keep choosing to be apart. To them, no goal is worth being apart for long.
  • Legacy Model folks can’t understand why other people bother to get married if they aren’t going to have children.
  • Support Model folks wonder why Karma Model couples would choose such difficult people to partner with. To them, the relationship requiring minimal attention is a priority to have it support them individually.
  • To Karma Model folks, other easy-going relationships seem unbearably boring.
In each case, our model seems so right, that we can’t really relate to or understand men and women with different priorities. And when asked for advice, we can only provide it from the priorities which seem obvious to us. This is another good reason to only ask for advice from people who actually have what you want!

This is the third in a series of Celebrating Men Morsels about Relationship Models.
This is the final installment in our series of Celebrating Men Morsels about Relationship Models.

Both articles are found on her website, here: http://www.understandmen.com/morsels/morsels4.html

Since publishing this series on Relationship Models, we have received a few frantic inquiries: “We don’t have the same model. Are we doomed?” Not necessarily! The key is understanding that a person’s Relationship Model is a reflection of their core values, an expression of what is most important to them in life. It could be what they leave behind (Legacy Model), “doing life” with someone (Companion Model), fulfilling a dream or a mission (Support Model), or being challenged to grow and expand (Karma Model).

Unfortunately, our core values are the only ones that immediately appear completely valid. When others’ differ, they seem everything from interesting to annoying. The real challenge is to grant as much weight to what is important to others, even when we don’t agree. This is a skill that improves all relationships!

If you’re attacking the validity of what is important to another, they have no choice but to defend themselves. Not a good environment for creative compromise. But if you’re not attacking, if instead, you’re protecting their interests too, then miracles can happen. This kind of conversation between a Support Model and a Companion Model might look like, “I see that what’s most important to you is us being together. I like that. What’s most important to me is having the support I need to fulfill my dream. Even though I love being with you, that sacrifice for my goal is one I have to make. Maybe we could meet in the middle – there might be an amount of time together that would be enough for you; not ideal, but enough. And an amount of freedom to pursue my goals that would be enough for me too. Wanna try?”

The key word here is “enough.” If you pay attention to “enough” instead of the “ideal amount,” it’s possible to meet in the middle. Of course, “enough” may be unreachable for you or your partner, in which case the loving thing to do might be to release yourselves to find what you really need and cannot provide each other.


“Easy” relationships occur when both partners have the same model and are working toward the same kind of relationship. This is usually accidental, since most people aren’t aware they have a model and often don’t articulate their relationship priorities well.

When our partner does not have the same relationship model, we are often frustrated because our choices will be made according to our core value – and their choices will be made according to theirs. For example:

  • If a Legacy Model (LM) or a Support Model (SM) marries a Companionship Model (CM), the CM will feel hurt every time the LM or SM chooses to work on what they are building or pursuing, rather than spend time with the CM. And the LM or SM won’t understand why they are hurt, since to them, the Legacy or dream is clearly the priority and why can’t the CM see that?
  • Even when two people share the Support Model, conflict can happen because both expect to be the one supported by the other. So they agree in principle – partners should empower their mates in fulfilling their dreams – but they didn’t state which end they intended to be on. Support models work best when one person’s desire is to provide the support the other needs and fully appreciates.
  • If a Karma Model (KM) gets together with a Companion Model (CM), let’s say of the Share Adventure variety, then here is a predictable argument...KM: “We have an issue here. We need to talk about it.” CM/SA: “Why do we have to talk about everything? Why can’t we just enjoy each other’s company and have fun?”
As you can see, the problem is the unarticulated expectations. Because our models seem correct and are obvious truths to us, we don’t take the time to really spell out what we need and desire in our relationship. By understanding what your Relationship Model is, you can avoid heartache and frustration in choosing a mate. If you’re already committed, use the Models to understand each other, and realize the choices you’ve each made were not meant to thwart or hurt the other. Search for middle ground and ways to give you both more of what you need.
 
last one, for today.

This to me speaks volumes on the ABW syndrome. Everytime we leave our homes, we have to be in protective modes for ourselves.

http://www.understandmen.com/ktp/drawtheline.html

One of the most difficult things for women to do is to draw boundaries and keep them in place. We’ll experience upset, irritation and even anger at a particular behavior, but often do nothing to put a stop to it.

Many women wonder if this is because they suffer from “low self-esteem.” We think that if we felt better about ourselves, we would demand better treatment from others. Actually, it is by recognizing the value we are to other people that we will insist upon better treatment for ourselves.

Women are, as I’m fond of saying, “designed without boundaries.” On a purely instinctive level, which affects more of our lives than we admit, we are certain that our very survival depends upon being liked by women and found pleasing by men. Our safety from “the tiger” is linked to the group protection other women can provide, or the brawn and resources a man can provide. Because of this, we’ll put up with any behavior right up to the point where the tiger is a better bet. Thus, we’ll endure verbal, emotional and, even, physical abuse to the degree that we think we need the person issuing it.

Does this sound familiar? This is how a woman will behave when she is in a feminine mode. When she is “man mode,” she’ll guard boundaries as fiercely as any man, with little tolerance for behavior that really bothers her. But being masculine will prevent her from being considered in a romantic context by men and she’ll never inspire the treatment she craves. By consciously setting and enforcing boundaries, she can allow herself to be feminine, but not be walked all over.

There are two issues to address – where to draw the boundaries and how to find the courage to enforce them.
Where should a woman draw the line? This is up to each individual. There are several possibilities for placing limits on what we’ll allow in our lives. It is important to note, though, that the distance between her and the line she draws will determine how gracefully a woman can enforce her limits.


If a woman sets her boundaries very close, where she doesn’t put up with behavior that frightens her, when confronted with such behavior, she’ll probably react suddenly and emotionally, harshly attacking the person in front of her. This limit is too close – she still feels too vulnerable.

She could push the line further back, and not accept behavior that angers her. On the receiving end of what angers her, she’ll probably react more slowly, and more coldly, but still have a cutting edge to her reproach.

She could set her boundaries even further from her center, and not put up with behavior that upsets her, or puts her off-balance, or saps her vitality. This is the level that we call a woman’s needs. Examples of these needs are respect, appreciation, listening, and affection.

When a woman draws the line at what she needs, she enforces her boundaries by simply stating her needs. Because her boundary is not right up close to her sense of survival, she can do so more graciously, rationally and patiently. She has more choice in her response, and less reaction.

Where does she get the courage to talk about her needs?
Where does she get the courage to enforce her boundaries? By reaching inside and tapping into “the Queen.” Tap into the essence of feminine dignity and power that every woman contains within her. The Queen knows that she can only be her best self when she has what she needs. The Queen understands the paradox – that getting what she needs can be one of the most generous things she does for the people she loves.

Drawing the line at your needs takes courage and a commitment not to yourself, but to the people you love most. They are the people who suffer when you are off-balance or upset. They are the ones who benefit when you have what you need. This is why I wrote, “Actually, it is by recognizing the value we are to other people that we will insist upon better treatment for ourselves.”

Honor the Queen that you are. Honor the difference that you make. Honor your limits. Draw the line. Get what you need. Be your best self. Please.
 
Crystalicequeen123 said:
Get out... Patting butts and everything?? :look:


:lol:
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bron-beck-bro-hug.gif
 
I can't wait for u to read it as well

Gives me an entire perspective. What I like is it is not geared towards bashing women or telling us it is our fault.


Crystalicequeen123 said:
Oh no worries! I don't mind corny things lol. I like fairytales and make-believe stories so I'm sure it will be fine :lol:

I'm digging in right now! :yep:
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Wow..... this quote right here....

"Myra didn't want to be a queen. She prefers being a king...." - The Queen's Code


That is DEEEEEEP!!!!! :shocked: I'm enjoying this book so far! Corny story and all lol. :lol: I actually like that it was written as a story because I think the information is easier to grasp and you can feel safe in seeing the revelations through the character's eyes...as opposed to being preached to. Very smart author... :yep:


sweetvi said:
I can't wait for u to read it as well

Gives me an entire perspective. What I like is it is not geared towards bashing women or telling us it is our fault.
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YES! I'm liking that it is already giving me a different perspective, and I'm just at the beginning! :grin:

I know I haven't read even half of the book yet, but in some way I kind of DO feel as though the premise of this book is basically saying that it pretty much IS women's fault if their man/bf/husband doesn't act like a Prince. :look: I don't think it's bashing women or anything, but I do feel that it is pointing the finger/blame towards the woman. That's just the impression I'm getting so FAR. It could be different as I read more though.

Even despite that, so far I like it! :yep:
 
Oh no @Crystalicequeen123 its not a blame to women. Her body of work aims to help both genders. The philosophy is that the only thing you can control is yourself. And... Maybe if you're willing to be open you can tweak some things you are doing to get the results you actually want, to attract what you want.

@LoveisYou i wholeheartedly agree. You have to filter what is coming at you. Not all men are bad but not all men are good.
 
Kimbosheart said:
@TracyNicole and @sweetvi I do believe you're right and I apologize. So many good blog and book information has been posted lately, it makes sense that we are all off to read and research.

Who is the Home Comforts book by? I had the Martha Stewart book but I sold it to Half Price Books during one of my cleanings. Should I look into both again, now that I have a real home, I want to take care of.

I'll post a few articles from my girl, in separate replies. She has so much info out there and I'm honestly ready to be through with it all but I realize she has 20 yrs of info to share. I hope one day I can be a resource like this for women I encounter. After this, I need to work through some of her recommendations for self-study.
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@Kimbosheart no need to apologize! It is lovely to have the reminder to come catch up with you ladies so that our little slice of paradise here doesn't die off! The Home Comforts book is by Cheryl Mendelson. I am not sure you need both books but it is really nice to have a home manual. They cover not only how to clean and care for everything under the sun, it includes helpful information about layout, organizing and furnishing your space. It has been an eye opener for me in terms of figuring out why my house didn't have the homey feel I really wanted. The Martha Stewart manual is a bit more stuffy to me. Cheryl writes from the perspective of a working woman so I find it a bit more down to earth. I wish I had one or both before I started filling my home with things but better late than never. HTH!
 
ArrrBeee said:
@DanceOnTheSkylines

There's some great info in this thread.
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Thanks ArrBeee! I started reading it on Monday but have only made it to pg 9 so far :thud: sooo many book recommendations!!

Oh, and I took the survey:


How Feminine Are You?
Your result = 82 out of 105

You embody and express many aspects of the feminine essence and are currently living your life in harmony with your feminine qualities. Somewhere along the road of life you have learned and experienced that expressing your feminine side is important and fulfilling for a woman. Learning to embrace more of your feminine side can bring more pleasure, creativity and deeper intimacy in relationships.
 
@Kimbosheart I am actually taking a break from the books this week. Last week as I was going over the home keeping manuals I had an epiphany. I made a connection between the Sex Secrets of an American Geisha and Home Comforts. The Home Comforts book drives home the importance of homemaking for a happy family but in Sex Secrets she emphasizes how important being attractive and physical intimacy are to a relationship. So as a busy working woman how do we reconcile these juxtaposing ideals? As "modern" women we have an impossible workload and as black women I think it can be more so. It is hard to be open, warm, and friendly when you are stressed and dog tired.

So I had the idea that it's time to analyze my job duties and decide what to delegate. Outside of my out of the home employment, most of my free time is spent cooking, cleaning, laundering and grocery shopping rather than spending quality time with my family. I dream of actually being able to talk to my spouse and read to my child without feint hurried to go work on the never ending chore list.

Being tired does not make me a good wife or mom or friend so I started really looking for ways to fix this. I hired some help for cleaning already and now I'm searching for help to lighten my kitchen load. I had no idea but you can apparently hire someone to come to your house and cook meals. I'm wondering if it is less expensive than purchasing bulk prepared meals.

My family is far from rich so I am looking for economical options to outsource the busywork that is necessary for a comfortable home life but distracting from actually living life. If any of you ladies have suggestions please chime in!!!
 
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TracyNicole said:
@Kimbosheart I am actually taking a break from the books this week. Last week as I was going over the home keeping manuals I had an epiphany. I made a connection between the Sex Secrets of an American Geisha and Home Comforts. The Home Comforts book drives home the importance of homemaking for a happy family but in Sex Secrets she emphasizes how important being attractive and physical intimacy are to a relationship. So as a busy working woman how do we reconcile these juxtaposing ideals? As "modern" women we have an impossible workload and as black women I think it can be more so. It is hard to be open, warm, and friendly when you are stressed and dog tired.

So I had the idea that it's time to analyze my job duties and decide what to delegate. Outside of my out of the home employment, most of my free time is spent cooking, cleaning, laundering and grocery shopping rather than spending quality time with my family. I dream of actually being able to talk to my spouse and read to my child without feint hurried to go work on the never ending chore list.

Being tired does not make me a good wife or mom or friend so I started really looking for ways to fix this. I hired some help for cleaning already and now I'm searching for help to lighten my kitchen load. I had no idea but you can apparently hire someone to come to your house and cook meals. I'm wondering if it is less expensive than purchasing bulk prepared meals.

My family is far from rich so I am looking for economical options to outsource the busywork that is necessary for a comfortable home life but distracting from actually living life. If any of you ladies have suggestions please chime in!!!
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How many people are in your family and what are the ages? Are there picky eaters? Have you tried making Crockpot meals? Make ahead meals? Having a rotation of 10 meals that everyone likes? Starting with semi prepared foods like rotisserie chicken and then adding a starch and a veggie?
 
@TracyNicole

I second the suggestion on crockpot meals, I like freezer meals and my favorite is my DIY meal kits. For those I do all the prep work for the meal so on the night I want to cook it, it truly is a 30 min meal. It takes me about an hour to make all my breakfasts, lunches and snacks for the week on Sunday. For cleaning, perhaps hire out the jobs you hate the most? I hate dusting- so I've set up my life to collect as little as possible. I don't have many knickknacks laying around. But a lady comes in once a month to do the baseboards, ceiling fans, windows, deep clean the kitchen and bathrooms. I'm pretty neat otherwise. The Kon Mari method helped me out a ton with housework and having a place for everything that is easy to keep up. I also suggest prepping ahead for clothes for the week for yourself and your children. If I'm being good or I'm busy... I have my outfits lined up for each day to include undergarments and accessories as well as my workout gear.

Oh, maybe ask your husband what he thinks you can cut back on to spend more time with him.
 
TracyNicole said:
As "modern" women we have an impossible workload and as black women I think it can be more so. It is hard to be open, warm, and friendly when you are stressed and dog tired.

So I had the idea that it's time to analyze my job duties and decide what to delegate. Outside of my out of the home employment, most of my free time is spent cooking, cleaning, laundering and grocery shopping rather than spending quality time with my family. I dream of actually being able to talk to my spouse and read to my child without feint hurried to go work on the never ending chore list.

Being tired does not make me a good wife or mom or friend so I started really looking for ways to fix this. I hired some help for cleaning already and now I'm searching for help to lighten my kitchen load. I had no idea but you can apparently hire someone to come to your house and cook meals. I'm wondering if it is less expensive than purchasing bulk prepared meals.

My family is far from rich so I am looking for economical options to outsource the busywork that is necessary for a comfortable home life but distracting from actually living life. If any of you ladies have suggestions please chime in!!!
Click to expand...

I was listening to a sermon that talked about how God created women to be fragile, not because we are lesser than a man but because fragile things are protected, covered, and cared for. Bring home the bacon and frying it over a period of time will destroy us.

Grocery Shopping:
I only do this once a week. I notice there is less of a crowd when I go in the middle of the week during in the morning. Buying in bulk (Costco Sam's Club) also helps to reduce the frequency.

Cooking:
Here's an idea, pick a meat you don't mind eating a multiple days in a row. Make a lot of it at one time. Each day add a different side dish or different sauce to change the taste. Do you have any daughters? This would be a great time to bond and you can find out (causally) what is going on at school. If you want a shorter time check out these websites:

http://allrecipes.com/recipes/everyday-cooking/more-meal-ideas/15-minute-meals/

http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/category/books/jamie-s-15-minute-meals/

Cleaning:
The only rooms that I would have a cleaning service for is the living room, dining room, kitchen, etc. Areas where the whole family gathers. The bedrooms should be cleaned by the ones that sleep in them. If there is a bathroom attached, they are responsible for that as well. If your children are young then I would use the cleaning service for their bathroom.
 
Thanks for the suggestions ladies. My little one is under two so no help from that quarter yet. She is good for taking things out, not putting them away! I have been doing crockpot meals for the last year but 1. my picky little one makes this difficult and 2. I have to wake up at dawn to get it done. I think life is complicated by the fact that DH and I work long hours. It isn't so much that I hate doing these tasks but that I don't feel we have much left for each other or the baby. I don't want to be old looking back on my life and wishing we had spent more quality time making good memories. I think there is something very unnatural about the way modern day society is set up. @LovingLady hit the nail no the head regarding how I feel. It's just a general sense of if I don't do something drastic, I am unlikely to ever be the kind of person I really want to be. One of the themes I am seeing the more I learn is that most of the women who have the qualities I am striving for either do not work outside the home or have full time help. I am looking for the exceptions because those aren't realistic options for me.
 
@TracyNicole

Aww you have a little girl that is so cute. At that age children are really good at taking out toys, playing in one spot, and then doing it again in another area. :laugh: Have you ever played the clean up game? Who ever picks up the most toys wins. Who ever gets the most points at the end of the week, 14 days, month, etc. gets a prize. In my spare time I study how to become financially independent. If you want to work from home, which may result in you changing careers, you can PM to see what we can do.
 
Kimbosheart said:
Hello ladies.... still off reading?
Click to expand...

Lol...I am... :yep:

I'm still reading "The Queen's Code" right now. It's taking a while to get to the main points through the story, but I'm engrossed in it because it not only is showing the point of views of the different women, but it's also showing how the men are reacting and their thoughts. I really appreciate that. :yep: I've already had some "a ha!" moments lol.

Thanks again fo rthe recommendation!! :yep:


TracyNicole said:
I think there is something very unnatural about the way modern day society is set up. @LovingLady hit the nail no the head regarding how I feel. It's just a general sense of if I don't do something drastic, I am unlikely to ever be the kind of person I really want to be. One of the themes I am seeing the more I learn is that most of the women who have the qualities I am striving for either do not work outside the home or have full time help. I am looking for the exceptions because those aren't realistic options for me.
Click to expand...

I agree... :yep:

I know I'm going to probably step on a few toes when I say this, but I'm going to say it anyway..... :look:

***WARNING: Unpopular Opinion Coming Through***

I honestly don't think that women were really meant to work outside of the house in the same capacities as men.... :look: Maybe in some areas of the work-industry, but definitley not the high-powered corporate lifestly that a lot of us find ourselves in today. I don't know if it's because of what I've been reading in "The Queen's Code", or just based on my personal years of observation, etc... but I honestly don't think that this was what was intended for women. :nono:

I think that when World War 1 and World War 2 occured and the workplace needed more "workers" because most of the men were off fighting in the war, I think THIS led to more and more women being put into the regular "work-force", and of course with the women's rights and feminist movements, this also pushed more and more women into being "career" women instead of "stay at home moms" or "Susie Homemaker" (ie. June Cleaver--"Leave it to Beaver").

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that there is anything WRONG with the fact that women are in the workforce. I don't see anything wrong with that at all, especially if this is what a woman wants to do. Women have made MANY MANY wonderful contributions to the workforce, science, technology, medicine, NASA, the law field, etc....the list is endless. But I don't think it was ever intended for women to juggle a stressful day at work (just like men), come home stressed out, take care of the kids, take care of the husband, cook the dinner,clean, etc... It's just SO much to handle...:nono: They have done recent studies that show that for the first time in history, WOMEN are now suffering from the same health-related diseases that used to primarily only affect men for the most part (ie. heart attacks, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, strokes, etc.), and part of the reason is the added stress and responsibilities. I don't think our bodies were meant to handle it like that. I remember back in the day when it was very rare to hear of a woman dying of a heart attack. Usually it was mainly men. Now it seems like it's so common. :nono:

And while MEN thrive on competition, challenges, meeting deadlines, etc....I think for women it's not really in our nature to get "excited" about those things, and that is why we tend to feel so bottled down with so much. Those types of things tend to overwhelm us rather than spur us on (whether we realize it internally or not)....our bodies feel it. What men thrive on isn't what women thrive on, and I think our society (in an attempt to treat everyone as "equals" due to the feminism movement) is missing the bigger point and has basically started treating women like men w/out a ******. :ohwell: I am all for a woman getting equal pay as a man for the same job, however I think that there are some jobs that women find more fulfilling vs. the jobs that men find fulfilling. There are jobs that increase your feminine essence, and jobs that definitely decrease it. Think about it, we spend the MAJORITY of our life at WORK! 8 hours a day, (usually) 5 Days a week... I mean, that is a LARGE chunk of time when you think about it. :nono:

The way society is set up right now is NOT fulfilling to women imo. It may be for MEN, but I don't think it is for women. I think women are probably less stressed and happiest when taking care of the home, being taken care of, not having to worry abou tthe same things men worry about, etc. I know for me personally, if I married a man who told me: "honey, you don't have to work if you don't want to, I make enough for both of us to live comfortably", I would say Hallelujah! :yay: I would feel SO much LESS stress. I wouldn't mind making dinner, keeping the house clean, running errands, etc. I could brush up on some hobbies that I have (dancing, sewing, making my jewelry, etc.), and I think my energy would be calmer, sweeter, more "light". :yep: But society has kind of drummed it in women's heads that if you're happy just being a housewife, there must be something wrong with you. :nono:

There was a great point that @LovingLady brought out about women in the bible being the "weaker vessel", and I have always been taught that this scripture basically is saying that even MEN are vessels as well, but WE are the "weaker" one, so when you have something that is more fragile like fine china, a beautiful intricate vase, etc.... usually those things are given MORE care, MORE attention, MORE consideration, and value. They usually cost a whole lot more as well! So it's in no way saying that women are somehow beneath men or lesser in value. If anything it is elevating women to an honorable position, because we are so delicate and fragile. :yep: We should be treated with more care and honor. I think the problem (in our society at least---can't speak for other countries or cultures) is that women have lost that sense of "delicateness", because the feminism and women's rights movement basically taught us that to be considered a woman is be "weak". We can be "strong" just like the boys are, we can kill our own snakes, we don't "need" a man, and we can go to college, get a good career, and climb the corporate ladder just like the rest of them :blah: :blah: The problem however, is that we never seemed to see the value in just being a WOMAN it seems. There's a whole generation of women out here (myself included) that never really saw that just simply being a WOMAN is good enough. We don't have to be "like men". Plus, when we have the attitude that we don't "need a man", that mentality brings forth men who keep getting/feeling emasculated (because they are no longer needed), or they seek out women who DO make them feel needed, who have that feminine spirit, who are "delicate". And we wonder why so many men these days are not "manly enough" :rolleyes: lol....

It's hard to explain it all right now, my mind is all jumbled up so things may not have come out right :dizzy: , but I just had the biggest epiphany when I read the latest posts in this thread.
 
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Crystalicequeen123 you said it exactly right. Thank you for having the guts to say it straight. I was beating around the bush rather than saying it outright because I didn't want to upset anyone. I think it is ridiculous to be expected to keep up with all we do and it is contributing to the destruction of society. I am all for women having the opportunity to work if they please and agree that they should be paid equally BUT that being said, what is happening in modern society is just wrong. Women went into the workforce to fill the gap and yes more went with the feminist movement, but the thing most people don't want to talk about is how it became an attack on the working class. Wages have not increased on par with cost of living and yet our spending has increased. Now many households require two incomes for survival.

I am ashamed to say that I bought into the hype because when you are young it is difficult to know what it will really be like. Unfortunately it didn't start falling into place until I was pregnant and in the workplace 60 hours a week. I literally did not question the insanity until then. Now I look around and many of my girlfriends became angry and bitter. Some found solutions like full time help or they were able to take a hit and stay at home but all of those who borrowed for undergrad and grad school are in the same boat of not being able to leave the workforce and provide for our families.

Part of the war on the working class is that our schools are under attack. Many middle class minorities are now paying for private education to skirt around what is happening in the school system but given what tuition is these days, it is almost impossible to do so in a one income household. That is why I had the idea that I just might have to come up with creative workarounds to give myself grace and my children and spouse the warm loving household they deserve. It makes me sad because although we realized it too late, it is seen as being in poor taste to share the realities of life with younger women. You are branded as lazy or a failure. I guess it is not sexy/popular to believe that you really can't have it all but in all honesty you can't have it all-at least not at the same time.
 
TracyNicole said:
Crystalicequeen123 you said it exactly right. Thank you for having the guts to say it straight. I was beating around the bush rather than saying it outright because I didn't want to upset anyone. I think it is ridiculous to be expected to keep up with all we do and it is contributing to the destruction of society. I am all for women having the opportunity to work if they please and agree that they should be paid equally BUT that being said, what is happening in modern society is just wrong. Women went into the workforce to fill the gap and yes more went with the feminist movement, but the thing most people don't want to talk about is how it became an attack on the working class. Wages have not increased on par with cost of living and yet our spending has increased. Now many households require two incomes for survival.

I am ashamed to say that I bought into the hype because when you are young it is difficult to know what it will really be like. Unfortunately it didn't start falling into place until I was pregnant and in the workplace 60 hours a week. I literally did not question the insanity until then. Now I look around and many of my girlfriends became angry and bitter. Some found solutions like full time help or they were able to take a hit and stay at home but all of those who borrowed for undergrad and grad school are in the same boat of not being able to leave the workforce and provide for our families.

Part of the war on the working class is that our schools are under attack. Many middle class minorities are now paying for private education to skirt around what is happening in the school system but given what tuition is these days, it is almost impossible to do so in a one income household. That is why I had the idea that I just might have to come up with creative workarounds to give myself grace and my children and spouse the warm loving household they deserve. It makes me sad because although we realized it too late, it is seen as being in poor taste to share the realities of life with younger women. You are branded as lazy or a failure. I guess it is not sexy/popular to believe that you really can't have it all but in all honesty you can't have it all-at least not at the same time.
Click to expand...

OMG Yes to ALL of this! Especially the parts in bold. :yep:

You even took it a step further than I did. I didn't even think about what the increase of women in the workforce and a 2-parent family income did to the working (shoot...even the MIDDLE) class. :nono: You're so right...now, it's almost expected that both spouses will work. Unless you are financially wealthy or living on a gold mine, it's very rare now NOT to see a 2-income family. :nono: Now it's almost as if everyone expects it. Some men are even expecting that their wives make more money than they do! :whyme:

I honeslty don't see how anyone makes it out here...especially in Southern CA where I live. I'm a single woman living alone, no husband, no kids, but the rate of pay has DEFINITELY not gone up in tandem to the cost of living out here. :nono: I'm originally from the east coast, and although the cost of living was fairly high out there as well, because my job paid more , I didn't really see the huge gap back then like I do now out here. Seriously, it's almost impossible to make it on one income alone out here. I'm barely scraping by, and while I do have my basic needs met, I can't say that I'm living "comfortably" like I was before. :nono: And if they raise my rent next year I'm not sure what I'm going to do... :ohwell:

It really is sad what has happened to society. When do we all mutiny and say enough is enough? I mean, things just keep getting more and more pricier, salaries aren't getting that much higher....not at the same percentage as the cost of living, and don't even get me started on rent and home ownership out here.... :nono: There has to be a time when we say enough is enough! :pyro:


I also think that that the movement also limited the amount of good home training that kids used to possess at least some of. Back when mothers really had time to spend time with their kids, train their kids, talk with them, teach them, discipline them etc, kids had a little more basic home training skills. And if they didn't listen to mommy, they certainly got it when daddy came home lol. :look: Now, with two parents in the workforce, a lot of kids (especially teenagers) are coming home after school to an empty house and are being raised by what they see on Television, their iPads, their cellphones, or even by their own peers. It's almost as if technology has now taken the place of real parenting. I hate seeing 2 and 3 year olds with ipads in their hands... :nono: Can't we just talk to our children and do activities WITH them instead of letting a machine keep them preoccupied most of the time?? And we wonder why kids have such a lack of respect these days and are going around shooting up movie theaters, schools, and college campuses.... :look: I'm not saying that this is the SOLE reason of course, but everything has a domino effect. So many things are affecting each other, and it is really destroying society. :nono:
 
That's the thing @Crystalicequeen123 , so many aren't really making it. It's become a rat race where you have to work harder just to live. I tell you that I didn't see it before because we pay attention to the things most pertinent to our lives and the rest fades into the background. Social characteristics such as basic manners, etiquette and morality are becoming less common for reasons most won't talk about. When I was growing up it was blamed on teen pregnancy and single motherhood but I think those are symptoms of the real problem. Somewhere along the line someone told women they weren't as important or valuable as men so women started acting like men to achieve equity.

The thing is I've come to realize that in whatever capacity a woman works she is always going to be equally important and what we are seeing these days is happening because we are not valued, and men are not the worst culprits- women are. Many do not know their own worth and so they are incapable of fulfilling the role they were designed for and worse, they will try to block other women from doing so. I have lost track of the number of times I have been criticized by a woman for not doing it all but I rarely hear this type of bashing from men in my circle. All though they may not all support a woman being a full time wife and/or mother, most of them accept it's an impossible job for one person.

I don't know if we can just abruptly become a society of single income households. I think one important strategy is embracing our femininity. It is why this project is so important to me. I think when women really get it, then they can start to focus on their own happiness. And that happiness is not the same for every woman. That's what I was touching on earlier. It's not about hating to do any one task. It's about the realization of the damage it causes. I didn't see it before I had children so I would judge other parents who let their children play with technology but now I get it. Children weren't meant to raise themselves and TVs aren't baby sitters.

The problem is when you come home at the end of a long day of work, it gets easy to just turn on the TV or hand your child a phone or tablet to occupy them so that you can get dinner on the table or do laundry so they can have clean clothes, etc. Then it becomes a habit. You just need 5 minutes of peace and quiet, you have to return this phone call, etc, etc. I saw the effect it had on my little one to be told to wait because I had other things to do and I didn't like it. But on the other hand those things still have to get done for the household to run smoothly. It's a catch 22. That's why I am determined to find some kind of compromise. It's enough that she goes to daycare, I'm not going to spend the few hours I have with her slaving away at chores if I can help it. I can see why some children are so destructive. No one has invested the proper time so that they actually understand that they are loved and valuable. Yes clean clothes and healthy meals say I love you, but not in a way a child can quantify. I think the problem will continue to worsen until we admit it is a problem and work on defining a new brand of femininity. So the question we really need to answer is what does modern femininity look like?
 
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