Feminine Belles - Info/discussion/support Thread

[PeaceFlow]

I agree with you. I think it feeds into the whole 'other women are my competitor for beauty and men' sentiment. I wouldn't want other women to despise me..or anyone to despise me for that matter. And I think that when we relish in the fact that we have 'haters', it undermines the confidence and light we should be cultivating.

When I was at my most radiant, connected with my feminine powers and attracting lots of good quality men, women were more attracted and positive to me also. My presence made some women insecure, or insecure about their partners crushes, but they argued and blamed their partners. Didn't take it out on me. I think women generally like a aesthetically pleasing, warm and magnetic women. Its like Lupita. Men seem to want to be as close to her as possible and women are overwhelmingly positive also.

This sounds dumb but even animals were going crazy too. I wasn't an animal person, so the shift in their behaviour was odd. Literally if I went anywhere with animals they started to immediately make a beeline for me.

Everyone has different experiences though.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

“To be despised by her sex is a very great compliment to a woman.”
I read this quote on the Feminine Belle this morning and it really resonated with me. When I kept myself up better my energy was different. There was an underlying confidence. I had few female friends but plenty of suitors. I never really noticed but as I let things slide, I now have plenty of girlfriends but am not happy with myself. It makes me realize I really do have to do better. I'm going to join you in a 6 month challenge LovingLady. It's perfect because 6 months will take us right to the end of the year. What do you ladies think of this quote?

^^Very interesting quote @TracyNicole

I think I agree with the concensus that I personally wouldn't want to have anyone (male OR female) despising me or "hating" on me for any reason at all. I usually tend to view ALL women, no matter if you're black, white, Indian, Hispanic, Asian, Arabic, etc... as my female "sisters". We're ALL women....we ALL have the same lady parts . True, some of us have more/different struggles, challenges, and experiences simply because we may have different ethnic, socio-economic, geographical, or even just plain familial backgrounds, but as a whole, I always try to few my fellow women as my "sisters" and not as my enemies or "competitors". That's now how I want to live my life.

With that said however, I DO see what the author of this article means. I've had some women (even some "frienemies") hate on me simply because I was "winning", or because they were jealous/insecure (I hate pulling the "jealousy" card, but sometimes that's basically what it is). But I've also been on the flipside of that coin as well. I've also had the experience where I've felt insecure/envious of what another woman has had.

ANYTIME I feel insecure/less than/jealous of another woman, this always signals to me that I am NOT functioning to the BEST of my abilities. IMO, this is all that jealousy is. It's always my brain's way of giving me a red flag/alarm telling me that I could be doing better, but (for whatever reason) I'm NOT. So, I just shrug any jealous/insecure feelings off, and strive to do better! I recognized that this is all it was because when I was functioning at the top of my game, I NEVER felt insecure/jealous around other women...EVER. I think people feel jealous because deep down they KNOW they could improve. They KNOW they can do better. I'm never jealous of Michael Jordan who can slam dunk a basketball, or other women who are doing fancy gymnastics on the balance beam because I know I don't have that skill. I know that this would take years of dedication and hard work. But when you KNOW you can do better and you're not? I think this is where the jealousy comes in.

So, women don't have to get jealous or feel insecure. Just step your game up and the insecurity will fade away.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I'm enjoYing it so far. The author is very accomplished, she speaks five languages, and travelled with a team interviewing 1,000 men on marriage and happy relationships. She wrote a manual for both men and women. So far I'm reading the manual for men. I wonder if there is a way to share books on kindle, then you could at least read a bit to see if you want a copy for yourself.

Wow! I didn't realize she was so accomplished!

I may have to check out a sample or something. I think there is a way to share a book on Kindle, but I don't know how to do it. I'll look into it. I think there's a way to let a friend "borrow" a book or something, but I have never used the feature before. I'll do research lol.

Since I didn't write the article I can't say how she meant it but I think it's undeniably true that women who are insecure (the vast majority of women) are threatened by an uber feminine and beautiful woman. I don't think the intention is to relish the haters but an understanding that evolutionarily speaking it IS a competition amongst members of the same sex. I think people forget our underlying animal behavior. It could be a lovely world if we were all super kind and helpful to one another but I also sincerely believe that it is unrealistic. I think this group is outside of the norm because we are a self selected group banded together by common interests. In the real world, women are rarely kind and open to a woman they see as competition for a mate/resources but have no problem being "nice" to their DUFF. Just my observations having been on both sides of the fence.

I think this is definitely true...

I think too it also depends on how the woman comes across as well. But yes, in general...typically we as women are known to be competitive against each other for mates, and imo it doesn't have to be that way.

I think that when you realize (as a feminine woman) that when a man REALLY wants a woman, there's nothing that will stop him, that's when I think you can just fully relax and not worry about what other woman might be in the room, how another woman is dressed, etc.

It doesn't matter how many women like a man, what matters is who HE likes. It's up to HIM and who HE likes, because that is the woman he will pursue. And if another woman can steal my man away from me, well then he must not have been that into me to begin with if it was that easy to lure him away. #shrug I feel like if more women understood these things, they would focus LESS on competing with other women or being insecure, and more on improving themselves and being the best they can be.

ETA: What is a DUFF?

@BK Bombshell
DUFF = Designated Ugly Fat Friend

 

[Kimbosheart]

The pinterest board is a thing and I've invited those who have sent me a PM. I also went through our past posts and pinned what I could to the board already.

 

[TracyNicole]

The pinterest board is a thing and I've invited those who have sent me a PM. I also went through our past posts and pinned what I could to the board already.

Thank you for starting this! It made it easy to share my resources and it will be all in one place for me to refer to as well. Great idea.

So I have been thinking on my six month challenge and decided to just break it down into 3 areas of focus.

1) Outward beauty- everything I have studied so far points to maintaining an ideal body weight as being of principle importance for achieving feminine beauty. I need to devote the time and effort to taking care of this.

2) Outward environment- In this area I plan to work on clothing, shoes and accessories as well as a home environment that reflect my femininity. A huge part of this will be ensuring my dress is flattering and my home is open for visitors and warm and welcoming for friends AND family.

3) Feminine expression- I would like to work on being more gentle, nurturing and receptive. For me this will include working on the quality and volume of my voice, diction , learning the value of silence and being more spiritually grounded.

 

[ladysaraii]

@TracyNicole I really like that breakdown and if you don't mind, I will be borrowing (stealing) it.

Just I don't want to make my house too welcoming. People might actually try and come visit. :/

 

[TracyNicole]

@TracyNicole I really like that breakdown and if you don't mind, I will be borrowing (stealing) it.

Just I don't want to make my house too welcoming. People might actually try and come visit. :/

Haha. It's actually not that bad once it's clean all the time unless you know people who don't know how to leave! I had my first visitors since making my tea/coffee station and it was so much fun!

 

[Kimbosheart]

For those would like to join the pinterest board. Please pm me the email address associated with your username on pinterest. It will not let me add you by username alone if we are not already following each other. Thank you

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I saw this article posted on the FemmeBelles Pinterest Board and I thought it was very deep.....

See, this is why I think it's especially important and imperative for us as black women to truly EMBRACE our femininity. I'm glad we're doing this Feminine Belles challenge, because it's almost as if we have to fight through more battles and challenges in order to even be seen/viewed as feminine in the first place in some areas of life. I also think that the "strong black woman" prototype/description has done more harm than good over the long run.

Very interesting article...... Kind of sad...but empowering.

Excerpts:

You believe that I’m a strong Black woman that don’t need no help.
A coworker once saw me struggling to carry two boxes of files into my office. He smiled at me as he passed by in the hallway and kept walking without a care in the world.

“Do you mind helping me with these?” I called out. He looked startled, then jogged back to grab one of the boxes.

“So sorry,” he said. “You looked like you were managing well! You never look like you need help!”

I later saw him do that same jog to offer unsolicited assistance to a White coworker carrying a tray of coffee. Whether she or I needed the help isn’t really the issue. It’s the fact that he offered to help her, but neglected to do the same for me. Because in his mind, I didn’t need it. Men of all races cling to the Strong Black Woman trope because placing us in that box absolves them of doing the work to see us as full women, full human beings. In their minds, I don’t need help because I can do everything myself. I don’t need common courtesy because I can just get over it. Speaking for myself and myself only: this is false.


When I’m faced with covert racism, I wonder, “Am I being too sensitive?” My experiences may not be common across the board, but they are all too common for me. I have learned not to expect basic courtesies or chivalrous acts in certain spaces, but to be pleasantly surprised when they come. Exerting my femininity—as well as my humanity—in these brown limbs is a complex practice, but one that I undertake daily.

I will not be ignored. I will not be erased. You will see me. I am here.

SOURCE

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I found this on the ET Forum.....

Can I just say that I just LOVE the Obama girls?? They usually always look so classy, elegant, stylish, and FEMININE. You go gurls!

They are going to be such stunners when they grow up.

 

[TracyNicole]

I saw this article posted on the FemmeBelles Pinterest Board and I thought it was very deep.....

See, this is why I think it's especially important and imperative for us as black women to truly EMBRACE our femininity. I'm glad we're doing this Feminine Belles challenge, because it's almost as if we have to fight through more battles and challenges in order to even be seen/viewed as feminine in the first place in some areas of life. I also think that the "strong black woman" prototype/description has done more harm than good over the long run.

Very interesting article...... Kind of sad...but empowering.

It really and truly is disheartening but my hope is that as part of this challenge, reveling in our femininity will spread and become the norm rather than the exception. Sometimes it is very difficult not to be angry. I was at a dinner where one of my husband's friends went on about how he would never get with a black chic because we don't know how to be soft and feminine and let the man lead and more importantly we don't take keeping ourselves up as seriously. I wanted to let him have it. Really I did.

I respected my husband more because he spoke up rather quickly correcting his friend that he couldn't speak on EVERY black woman one, two that if he ever disrespected me like that again he wouldn't be welcome in our home and three, that perhaps the black man has a large share of responsibility in the cases where that is true due to the fact that women had to step up because so many are killed and incarcerated. He was so passionate about it that it made me remember all over again why I chose him and it's what really spurred this transformation over the last two years.

I know that people need to see it and they need to see it now. I had previously dabbled in the That Girl threads but wasn't intensely committed until that moment. Our men especially need it but everyone needs to see and experience our femininity and we need to insist on acting and being treated like ladies. Some don't understand why this is so important but it is about much more than looking good. It is about recapturing a lost art which allows us to express our spirit as God intended and to not be seen as mules and pack horses. So when you get tired of plucking your brows, or shaving your legs or wearing dresses remember that this is bigger than us. It sends a message to each person you encounter that is so needed and so valuable. We are women and we are worthy. I can't tell you the number of ignorant comments I have gotten about how black women don't . . .shave their legs, where enough dresses, wear non-stripper heels, have any real hair, etc Our time is now ladies. Okay rant over.

 

[TracyNicole]

Hey ladies. I did quite a bit of reading on a newly discovered blog last night called The Proper Lady. I like the tone much more than Melina's blog. Sadly we just missed her flash sale but there are tons of free articles posted that are amazing. Get over there. Seriously, what are you waiting for?

http://www.theproperlady.com/2013/01/10-steps-to-becoming-feminine-woman.html

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

@TracyNicole
^^^^Oooooo....comments like the one made by your husband's friend just BURN me up inside!!! Girrrrl Idk how you remained so calm, but the analytical side of me (the side I'm trying to tone down some...) would have interjected and ripped him a new one....in a stern, yet feminine fashion of course... I can't help it, I'm a debater by nature....but I'm trying tone that side of me down some lol.

Ugh! I HATE that so many men (and even women) have such a negative, warped and inaccurate (I might add) view of us as black women. It really hurts my heart, because not ALL of us are like this! I think there are a few who may fit that mold (maybe due to no fault of their own), but I don't think it's the MAJORITY. Either way, kudos to your hubby for shooting him down. You married a great man! And good for you for keeping it classy, elegant, and respectful. After all, you did the right thing. A woman is to wait for her man to fight the battles on HER behalf. Also, I've noticed that sometimes in arguments silence can be golden. Sometimes it's best to just stay QUIET after someone has made such a foolish statement. Let thier foolishness ruminate in the air a little bit, and when they see that you are keeping it classy, they may re-think their words and realize that they are sounding so ignorant. But when we are quick to get loud, angry, offended, and argumentative, it's almost as if it THAT attitude just reinforces whatever negative imagery they have of us to begin with.

I almost hate to ask (because I think I already know the answer ), but what race/culture/ethnicity was your husband's friend???

You are SO right, this "movement" is so much DEEPER than just US. It goes deeper than just looking nice, smelling nice, shaving your legs, and being "feminine". It's about taking back a RIGHT (a HUMAN right) that we as black women were born with, that is constantly being overlooked, downplayed, ignored, or trashed. We are WOMEN, and therefore we have a RIGHT to act, think, behave, and be TREATED as women. Period. Be the best you that you can be, but do it for YOURSELF. We can't change other people/their thoughts unfortunately, but what we CAN do is show the world that we beautiful, feminine, and regal women.

 

[TracyNicole]

@Crystalicequeen123 he is African American. Sadly over the years he has not changed much. Now he wants to marry a latina instead of a Caucasian. Sigh. It's sad but I wouldn't wish him on any black woman with his notions of what it means to be black. One time DH asked him is he hates his mother and sister and his response was but they are light skinned. Don't even get me started. Suffice it to say he no longer comes to our home and my husband rarely sees him at all these days. I hope we are going to keep this thing going even after the next six months pass by so that we can share as we grow. The pinterest board is already teeming with tons of information. If any ladies are not on there yet run on over. There are so many resources waiting for you! Kimobosheart and I were up pinning away for you last night and early this morning to share the love.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

@Crystalicequeen123 he is African American.

Of course... How did I know? BM are the only race of men that I know that publicly and unapologetically bash their own women.....

Sadly, it seems this type of reasoning has become a fad in the black community.

Now he wants to marry a latina instead of a Caucasian. Sigh.

It's sad but I wouldn't wish him on any black woman with his notions of what it means to be black. One time DH asked him is he hates his mother and sister and his response was but they are light skinned. Don't even get me started.

OMG... #Icant

Self-hate at its finest! I wonder if BM realize that this mindset (of hating their own race women) is actually a disease...like, who does that? Every once in a while you'll have some men of other races complaining about their race women, but on a CONTINUOUS basis? In a public forum?? I've just never seen that. BM need to wake up and realize that something is NOT right here. I see nothing wrong with people wanting to date out or date whoever they "click" with, but dating outside of your race because you feel like the women in your own race are x, y, and z is just WRONG imo. Bashing your own race women (the race of your mother who BIRTHED you) is just crazy. Heaven forbid any of these men have daughters.

I can't even waste too much of my breath on that dude. It's a sad, but growing epidemic. We HAVE to do better to enlighten our sons. I don't even have kids yet (I'm not even married), but if I EVER have a son, I will try to instill in him love, respect, and admiration for BLACK WOMEN. I don't care what race of woman he decides to eventually date and marry, but he's going to definitely have RESPECT for black women. I don't care if I have to beat it into him, he's going to have it!

I hope we are going to keep this thing going even after the next six months pass by so that we can share as we grow.

I hope so too! I intend to stay on here as long as the board is active! I think it's a VERY empowering thread for all women, especially us women of color. Our femininty has been ignored by others (and even by ourselves) for far too long.

 

[Kimbosheart]

Hey ladies. I did quite a bit of reading on a newly discovered blog last night called The Proper Lady. I like the tone much more than Melina's blog. Sadly we just missed her flash sale but there are tons of free articles posted that are amazing. Get over there. Seriously, what are you waiting for?

http://www.theproperlady.com/2013/01/10-steps-to-becoming-feminine-woman.html

I almost love this blog. I was poking around and she may have some femininity and race views that I don't agree with but the information so far has been spot on. Like Melina's blog take the good and spit out the bad.

The Pinterest board is already an amazing resource for anyone interested in improving in this area.

 

[sapphire74]

I would like to join the six month challenge also. I feel like I have been in a rut for a couple of years and I need to step up my game overall. I want to become more feminine with the way I dress, carry myself, keep my home, etc. I would like to eventually start dating again, but I think I lack confidence because I know I have not put in my best efforts as far as looking presentable. I think I still dress like I am in college and I have been out of college over ten years. I moved to a new state three years ago and I felt it would be a great opportunity to change all of these things but have not put anything in motion. My apartment looks like I am still moving in three years later, it is not decorated very lady like at all I think. I have a lot to work on and I think it will take more than six months. I will come back with a breakdown on how and what I will work on first.

Do you ladies have any advice as to where you think I should start first?


@TracyNicole thanks for posting that new blog!! I think I like better than the Femme Belle blog!

 

[TracyNicole]

I would like to join the six month challenge also.
Do you ladies have any advice as to where you think I should start first?
@TracyNicole thanks for posting that new blog!! I think I like better than the Femme Belle blog!

I think it will be hard for anyone to tell you. I would probably write out the things you want to work on and then I would gauge the time frame for improving. I would then pick one immediate, one short term and a couple of long term to work on. That way when one is completed you just move on to another in that category and it also allows you to build on your success. Some people say just pick one thing but honestly in this arena some of the changes can take so long that if you don't have quick turn around items you will find it difficult to stay motivated and also the quick improvements fuel the bigger projects. HTH!

 

[TracyNicole]

Hi ladies. We mentioned the Daily Connoisseur blog and youtube channel somewhere upthread but I wanted to come back and mention that Jennifer has a new book coming out around Halloween that covers many of the topics we are discussing in this thread. This is at the top of my reading wish list. It would be awesome to read it together

 

[Kimbosheart]

@sapphire74 May I make a suggestion as to where you should start? In the kon mari thread in off topic, in the first few posts there are links to a korean/japanese drama based on the methods of kon mari. It is a little comedy drama and fictionalized, It will take about an hour for you to watch each episode.

I think these will help you understand that cleaning and decluttering your space can help you make other changes in your life. Starting with you surrounding is one of the quickest ways to notice a positive change in your entire life. Also, as you clean you may be able to repurpose things to make your space more decorative and homey. Also the cleaning lady in these dramas is a model of asian femininity, which can be fun to watch.

Thank you for entertaining the suggestion, I do feel that this may help give you momentum to keep working over the next 6 months and lifetime.

 

[Kimbosheart]

I quit off topic and entertainment forums. Just too much right now.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

I would like to join the six month challenge also. I feel like I have been in a rut for a couple of years and I need to step up my game overall. I want to become more feminine with the way I dress, carry myself, keep my home, etc. I would like to eventually start dating again, but I think I lack confidence because I know I have not put in my best efforts as far as looking presentable. I think I still dress like I am in college and I have been out of college over ten years. I moved to a new state three years ago and I felt it would be a great opportunity to change all of these things but have not put anything in motion. My apartment looks like I am still moving in three years later, it is not decorated very lady like at all I think. I have a lot to work on and I think it will take more than six months. I will come back with a breakdown on how and what I will work on first.

Do you ladies have any advice as to where you think I should start first?


@TracyNicole thanks for posting that new blog!! I think I like better than the Femme Belle blog!

I sent you a PM

I quit off topic and entertainment forums. Just too much right now.

Girrrrrl....who are you telling?? Although entertaining, I feel like that board sometimes has a lot of negative energy sometimes...... Maybe it might hinder my feminine energy trying to be rebuilt??

 

[sapphire74]

@sapphire74 May I make a suggestion as to where you should start? In the kon mari thread in off topic, in the first few posts there are links to a korean/japanese drama based on the methods of kon mari. It is a little comedy drama and fictionalized, It will take about an hour for you to watch each episode.

I think these will help you understand that cleaning and decluttering your space can help you make other changes in your life. Starting with you surrounding is one of the quickest ways to notice a positive change in your entire life. Also, as you clean you may be able to repurpose things to make your space more decorative and homey. Also the cleaning lady in these dramas is a model of asian femininity, which can be fun to watch.

Thank you for entertaining the suggestion, I do feel that this may help give you momentum to keep working over the next 6 months and lifetime.

Thanks so much @Kimbosheart ! I will take a look at that thread!! It does sound like a great place to start and it may help me branch out into other aspects of my life I want to change!

 

[sapphire74]

I sent you a PM

Thanks so much @Crystalicequeen123 ! I sent you a reply!

 

[beingofserenity]

I sent you a PM



Girrrrrl....who are you telling?? Although entertaining, I feel like that board sometimes has a lot of negative energy sometimes...... Maybe it might hinder my feminine energy trying to be rebuilt??

I struggle with this all the time because I find those boards entertaining, however I soak up and become like what I fill my time and mind with. Watching shows like Love and Hip Hop/RHOA makes me more vulgar, meaner, maybe angrier. Thus, I'd sag it does affect your femininty.

 

[TracyNicole]

I struggle with this all the time because I find those boards entertaining, however I soak up and become like what I fill my time and mind with. Watching shows like Love and Hip Hop/RHOA makes me more vulgar, meaner, maybe angrier. Thus, I'd sag it does affect your femininty.

You are absolutely right. I had to stop watching Bravo, Lifetime and all of that because it really skewed my perception of reality. No ratchet music either. It's like that saying you are who/what you spend the most of your time with.

 

[Kimbosheart]

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[Kimbosheart]

The Dorothy Dandridge film has my grandmother and my crushes the Nicholas Brothers.

 

[LovingLady]

@TracyNicole You and your husband did a wonderful job handling the situation. A man once told me that a smart women stays silent and allows a man to "hang himself". In other words when you hear ignorance do not respond to it.

@sapphire74 I love a clean space so I would start with organizing your home. You can also start by examining yourself throughout the day and make a note of the areas that you would like to change. Here is the like to the thread Kimbosheart was referring to:

https://longhaircareforum.com/threads/the-life-changing-magic-of-tidying-up-konmarie-method.750943/

@sapphire74 May I make a suggestion as to where you should start? In the kon mari thread in off topic, in the first few posts there are links to a korean/japanese drama based on the methods of kon mari. It is a little comedy drama and fictionalized, It will take about an hour for you to watch each episode.

Do you know the name of the drama, the video is removed from the link provided.

I struggle with this all the time because I find those boards entertaining, however I soak up and become like what I fill my time and mind with. Watching shows like Love and Hip Hop/RHOA makes me more vulgar, meaner, maybe angrier. Thus, I'd sag it does affect your femininty.

You are absolutely right. I had to stop watching Bravo, Lifetime and all of that because it really skewed my perception of reality. No ratchet music either. It's like that saying you are who/what you spend the most of your time with.

What a lot of people don't know is that your brain is like a sponge. It is molded by what you see and hear. This shapes your thoughts, which forms your beliefs, which dictates your actions. I stopped listening to the radio years and I don't watch local news. Any song the is worth listening to I will eventually find and if the news is really important I will find out about it from NPR.

 

[ladysaraii]

@sapphire74 I love a clean space so I would start with organizing your home. You can also start by examining yourself throughout the day and make a note of the areas that you would like to change. Here is the like to the thread Kimbosheart was referring to:

https://longhaircareforum.com/threads/the-life-changing-magic-of-tidying-up-konmarie-method.750943/



Do you know the name of the drama, the video is removed from the link provided.

I agree with the house stuff. That's where I've started (even though I lost momentum for a moment) and having a cleaner space truly makes a difference. It's like a layer of clutter in my head disappeared on its own.

As to the bolded, I watched the drama when the forum was down and found it through a pinterest link. I think the title is in Japanese so it wasn't helpful to search for. I'll try to pin it when I have a chance. The link I have is to the first episode. When it finishes, it will show more video choices, just pick the one that says 1-2.

ETA: pinned

I might re-watch it this weekend to get my mojo back.