Not sure what the point of this is really, but suppose I feel like I need to tell someone about what I’ve been going through over the last 5 months.
Back in May of this year I stated dating a guy I met on Plenty of Fish. He wasn’t anything to write home about in the looks department and there wasn’t any sparks or amazing chemistry, but he seemed like a stable, decent, honest, hardworking type of guy. We saw each other at least 3 times per week, but he worked 6 days a week and I was/am in my last year of my Nursing degree, so finding the time to spend together was sometimes difficult, but we managed it somehow.
A month he asked me to be his girlfriend, to which I agreed! I was finally ready to be in a committed relationship after spending four years of rebuilding my life after being in an unhappy marriage. Although I’m naturally quite a guarded person, some might even say cold, I tried to do things differently this time, let my guard down. I opened my heart up to this man. Things were going well between us (or so I thought). We would meet at his house a lot, which at the time I didn't mind because I live with family. I met some of his friends, he met mine and I thought things were official. Then around the end of June I noticed he had changed. He would tell me that his brother was staying over and that I couldn't come round and when I suggested that he came to my house he would always have an excuse not to. I knew deep down that he wasn't feeling me or the relationship anymore, so it came as no surprise when he told me that he didn’t want to see me anymore. Trouble is, I had already fallen for him and although we hadn’t been together for that long, it still hurt like hell.
He confessed that he’d lied to me about his immigration status and that he was in fact an illegal immigrant who’d overstayed by 18 years (probably another lie). He said he needed to concentrate on sorting out his status and that he no longer had the time to put into the relationship. I knew this was a cock and bull story and asked him whether it was because he was seeing someone else, to which his response was no.
Foolishly I would still text him and meet up for sex, knowing that he was a fraud, but I guess I was too dickmatized to see sense. I almost wanted to believe his lies. I wanted to feel sorry for him even though deep down inside I knew he was a liar. Last time I saw him was in August, after which he blocked me from WhatsApp and then vanished for about three weeks. He resurfaced a few times after that and the final straw came when he told me he wanted to take me out for my birthday. Needless to say, that didn’t materialise. He texted me a few days later to apologies for what had happened and asked if I wanted to meet him the following weekend. Tired of being messed about, I declined, but said he would be welcome to come to a birthday party I went to last weekend. I called him up on the Saturday morning to ask if he was still coming. Before I could reply, he snapped exclaiming “I’m busy at the moment” He had never spoken to me like that before, so hostile, when all I was doing was reminding him about the party. It made me felt so bad. He didn’t even call to apolo-lie. By the next day everything became clear, but NOTHING could have prepared me for this.
I had bought a new phone the week before, so when I transferred all my numbers over to the new phone, tell me why I could see this knickers’ WhatsApp profile pic. He had told me that he’d dropped his phone down the toilet and that his whatspp stopped working (yet another lie). In the week leading up to Monday just gone, I noticed that all his profile pictures were about love (yes I was stalking him) and I knew they weren’t directed at me. I just knew that he was going to put her picture up sooner or later which is something he never did when we were together. Imagine my shock and horror when this is what I was confronted with on Monday.
My heart sank. All my suspicions were confirmed right there and then. It was just a case of finding more evidence. For some strange, strange reason, when I searched his name before, I don’t recall coming across his Facebook page. But this time I found it and needless to say, he put her picture up and announced her as his new girlfriend exactly 4 days after dumping me. All of his friends and family were congratulating him. I felt so rejected. But then I remembered that I’d since slept with him at least 3 times after that, so the same way he’d lied to me, he was lying to her. But in my depressed state I still kept thinking, why did he make it public with her? What did she have that I didn’t except from being white (something that black-british men would die for). Here I was, about to start a great career, educated, easy on the eye, loving and yet he could still commit the ultimate betrayal and leave me for that?
I sent him the longest text I think I’ve ever sent anyone telling him exactly what I thought of him. He still didn’t have the decency to apologise. I then sent him a voicemail and I’m guessing that by the tone of my voice he knew he needed to respond. He called back and for the most part I remained calm, I wanted to hear whether he was going to finally tell me the truth. I wanted closure. Knowing that I had found out his secret, surely he would now know that he wasn’t dealing with an idiot. Surely he would respect me enough to tell me the honest truth about what happened. Nope! So I calmly told him to take a few hours and call me back when he was with his senses. But in the meantime I got the brilliant idea to record the conversation, so that I could send it to his girlfriend (spiteful, I know).
I know I’m preaching to the choir here, but ladies…. please make sure you’re careful about what you share on the interwebs. I was able to find out her name, DOB, home address, work address even the BALANCE SHEET for her crummy business, which is in net profit of -£115
erplexed.
When he did call back all he could do was apologies. He said he was seeing both of us at the same time and decided that he liked her more. I foolishly asked why (silly of me to try and compare myself to someone else) but he did not tell me. I didn’t tell him how I found out what I did, or how much I knew, but I’m sure he knows I know a lot and that he’s pooing his pants right now at the prospect of me calling her. I told him how I felt about him and how disappointed I was and also advised him to seek psychiatric help for his problem with pathological lying, as it is going to get him into BIG trouble one day. I’m still not sure whether I’m going to contact the gf or not. Not sure if it’s even worth it.
Well, I’m not gonna lie, despite knowing that I dodged a nuclear bomb I’m still heartbroken. I’m shocked and hurt that one human could treat another human with so little respect. Yes, I’m hurt that my black brethren could leave me for an ugly white woman. But worse than that, I feel that I’ve let myself down. I gave so much of myself, made myself so available to someone who wasn't even on my level. Granted I never thought in my wildest dreams that he would be capable of doing what he did, but there were signs, there always are. I let him play with my emotions for 3 long months, knowing that deep down he was a liar. But even worse than all of that is the fact that I still love him and I’m very ashamed to admit that. I'm also scared, scared that I'll never be able to trust anyone again.
I thought that after four years of soul searching I'd be okay, but clearly I still have a lot more work to do.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading. I just needed to get this off my chest.
ps.....Do you think I should tell the new girl?
