Evolving78
Well-Known Member
@caribeandiva
I like that saying too! I need to read that book as well.
I like that saying too! I need to read that book as well.
Codependency Support Thread...breaking The Cycle
- Thread starter Smiley79
- Start date
biznesswmn
Well-Known Member
I just ordered boundaries on amazon today. I bought it for my nephews dad but i need to read it myself 
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I just ordered boundaries on amazon today. I bought it for my nephews dad but i need to read it myself
The Boundaries book(s) and Codependent No More are game changers.
caribeandiva
Human being
Yeah he can wait. Read it for yourself first.I just ordered boundaries on amazon today. I bought it for my nephews dad but i need to read it myself
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
What's the tip for getting sucked into stuff. By the time I commit to things, I figure out that it's codependent. I also rationalize the behavior and before I know it...I'm too far gone.
- The other day a friend guy gave me $100 to make a greek basket. I intended to take $20 off the top and use the $80 on the basket. I got wrapped up in wanting it to be perfect that I in fact went OVER $100 so I cut myself out of my $20 for myself, my gas money to make said basket, and my time. I told said person they owe me but they said they don't because they did xyz for me the other day.
- The other day somebody asked me to do something. This would have involved me rushing and doing things before picking of my son. Me and my son come first. Nothing else comes first but sometimes I forget.
- I wanted to go to an event. I didn't want to stop a phone conversation so I was 2.5 hours late to the event because I put someone else's needs before mine
-
Mandatory Positive -
I've been writing down what I'm grateful for EVERY DAY. That's really helping because to write something down often times i have to do something for myself like go walking, do yoga, plate some food, write poetry, or etc. Everyday I put myself first in some way.
- The other day a friend guy gave me $100 to make a greek basket. I intended to take $20 off the top and use the $80 on the basket. I got wrapped up in wanting it to be perfect that I in fact went OVER $100 so I cut myself out of my $20 for myself, my gas money to make said basket, and my time. I told said person they owe me but they said they don't because they did xyz for me the other day.
- The other day somebody asked me to do something. This would have involved me rushing and doing things before picking of my son. Me and my son come first. Nothing else comes first but sometimes I forget.
- I wanted to go to an event. I didn't want to stop a phone conversation so I was 2.5 hours late to the event because I put someone else's needs before mine
-
Mandatory Positive -
I've been writing down what I'm grateful for EVERY DAY. That's really helping because to write something down often times i have to do something for myself like go walking, do yoga, plate some food, write poetry, or etc. Everyday I put myself first in some way.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
@PrissiSippi
I think what may be hindering your progress is that as you pursue identifying and refining your femininity, you are forcing yourself into the “nice” box, sugar and spice and everything nice. You may have to redefine what it means to you to be a woman. Being nice, kind, helpful is not a female quality. It is a human one. As is being strong, saying no, and having well-defined boundaries, knowing where you end and others begin, and where others end and you begin. You may need a period where you only tend to your and your son’s needs. And that’s it. And say no to any other requests without long explanations. Just a simple no I’m sorry but I won’t be able to help this time. Period.
It takes practice. It takes time. Being feminine does not = being nice and making others feel good. That is not your job. You can be soft, beautiful, feminine, and kind, and still say no firmly and have well-defined, healthy boundaries.
I think what may be hindering your progress is that as you pursue identifying and refining your femininity, you are forcing yourself into the “nice” box, sugar and spice and everything nice. You may have to redefine what it means to you to be a woman. Being nice, kind, helpful is not a female quality. It is a human one. As is being strong, saying no, and having well-defined boundaries, knowing where you end and others begin, and where others end and you begin. You may need a period where you only tend to your and your son’s needs. And that’s it. And say no to any other requests without long explanations. Just a simple no I’m sorry but I won’t be able to help this time. Period.
It takes practice. It takes time. Being feminine does not = being nice and making others feel good. That is not your job. You can be soft, beautiful, feminine, and kind, and still say no firmly and have well-defined, healthy boundaries.
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hopeful
Well-Known Member
Also, @caribeandiva’s phrase upthread re focusing on herself and carrying her own knapsack has been a game changer for me. I envision myself daily staying in my own lane while carrying my little knapsack. I realized that abandoning my lane and my knapsack for someone or something else is me abandoning me. If helping or loving someone else requires that I have to abandon myself, my goals, plans that are important to me then I have to pass.
caribeandiva
Human being
That wouldn’t be very loving. Also a few days ago I learned a new mantra from Suze Orman: “Sometimes helping is hurting and hurting is helping”.Evolving78
Well-Known Member
piggyback
Priss focus on you! Your inner-being, your well-being! All of these outside actions you are taking, will just cause physical burn out and added stress. Be thankful for clarity, guidance, abundance, peace, properity, for love, forgiveness, to be able to wake up each day to a new day.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
The Journey
By Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life that you could save.
By Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life that you could save.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Not sure if this has already been posted here yet, but I found this article to be helpful.
Don’t know how to break up the paragraphs without messing up formatting — did my best.
https://psychcentral.com/lib/recovery-from-codependency/
Recovery from Codependency
By Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT
~ 4 min read
Codependency is often thought of as a relationship problem and considered by many to be a disease. In the past, it was applied to relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts. It is a relationship problem; however, the relationship that’s the problem is not with someone else — it’s the one with yourself. That is what gets reflected in your relationships with others.
Codependency underlies all addictions. The core symptom of “dependency” manifests as reliance on a person, substance, or process (i.e, activity, such as gambling or sex addiction). Instead of having a healthy relationship with yourself, you make something or someone else more important. Over time, your thoughts, feelings, and actions revolve around that other person, activity, or substance, and you increasingly abandon your relationship with yourself.
Recovery entails a 180-degree reversal of this pattern in order to reconnect with, honor, and act from your core self. Healing develops the following characteristics:
Don’t know how to break up the paragraphs without messing up formatting — did my best.
https://psychcentral.com/lib/recovery-from-codependency/
Recovery from Codependency
By Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT
~ 4 min read
Codependency is often thought of as a relationship problem and considered by many to be a disease. In the past, it was applied to relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts. It is a relationship problem; however, the relationship that’s the problem is not with someone else — it’s the one with yourself. That is what gets reflected in your relationships with others.
Codependency underlies all addictions. The core symptom of “dependency” manifests as reliance on a person, substance, or process (i.e, activity, such as gambling or sex addiction). Instead of having a healthy relationship with yourself, you make something or someone else more important. Over time, your thoughts, feelings, and actions revolve around that other person, activity, or substance, and you increasingly abandon your relationship with yourself.
Recovery entails a 180-degree reversal of this pattern in order to reconnect with, honor, and act from your core self. Healing develops the following characteristics:
- Authenticity
- Autonomy
- Capability of being intimate
- Integrated and congruent values, thoughts, feelings, and actions
- Abstinence. Abstinence or sobriety is necessary to recover from codependency. The goal is to bring your attention back to yourself, to have an internal, rather than external, “locus of control.” This means that your actions are primarily motivated by your values, needs, and feelings, not someone else’s. You learn to meet those needs in healthy ways. Perfect abstinence or sobriety isn’t necessary for progress, and it’s impossible with respect to codependency with people. You need and depend upon others and therefore give and compromise in relationships. Instead of abstinence, you learn to detach and not control, people-please, or obsess about others. You become more self-directed and autonomous. If you’re involved with an abuser or addict or grew up as the child of one, you may be afraid to displease your partner, and it can require great courage to break that pattern of conceding our power to someone else.
- Awareness. It’s said that denial is the hallmark of addiction. This is true whether you’re an alcoholic or in love with one. Not only do codependents deny their own addiction – whether to a drug, activity, or person – they deny their feelings, and especially their needs, particularly emotional needs for nurturing and real intimacy. You may have grown up in a family where you weren’t nurtured, your opinions and feelings weren’t respected, and your emotional needs weren’t adequately met. Over time, rather than risk rejection or criticism, you learned to ignore your needs and feelings and believed that you were wrong. Some decided to become self-sufficient or find comfort in sex, food, drugs, or work. All this leads to low self-esteem. To reverse these destructive habits, you first must become aware of them. The most damaging obstacle to self-esteem is negative self-talk. Most people aren’t aware of their internal voices that push and criticize them — their “Pusher,” “Perfectionist,” and “Critic.”
- Acceptance. Healing essentially involves self-acceptance. This is not only a step, but a life-long journey. People come to therapy to change themselves, not realizing that the work is about accepting themselves. Ironically, before you can change, you have to accept the situation. As they say, “What you resist, persists.” In recovery, more about yourself is revealed that requires acceptance, and life itself presents limitations and losses to accept. This is maturity. Accepting reality opens the doors of possibility. Change then happens. New ideas and energy emerge that previously stagnated from self-blame and fighting reality. For example, when you feel sad, lonely, or guilty, instead of making yourself feel worse, you have self-compassion, soothe yourself, and take steps to feel better. Self-acceptance means that you don’t have to please everyone for fear that they won’t like you. You honor your needs and unpleasant feelings and are forgiving of yourself and others. This goodwill toward yourself allows you to be self-reflective without being self-critical. Your self-esteem and confidence grow, and consequently, you don’t allow others to abuse you or tell you what to do. Instead of manipulating, you become more authentic and assertive, and are capable of greater intimacy.
- Action. Insight without action only gets you so far. In order to grow, self-awareness and self-acceptance must be accompanied by new behavior. This involves taking risks and venturing outside your comfort one. It may involve speaking up, trying something new, going somewhere alone, or setting a boundary. It also means setting internal boundaries by keeping commitments to yourself, or saying “no” to your Critic or other old habits you want to change. Instead of expecting others to meet all your needs and make you happy, you learn to take actions to meet them, and do things that give you fulfillment and satisfaction in your life. Each time you try out new behavior or take a risk, you learn something new about yourself and your feelings and needs. You’re creating a stronger sense of yourself, as well as self-confidence and self-esteem. This builds upon itself in a positive feedback loop vs. the downward spiral of codependency, which creates more fear, depression, and low self-esteem. Words are actions. They have power and reflect your self-esteem. Becoming assertive is a learning process and is perhaps the most powerful tool in recovery. Assertiveness requires that you know yourself and risk making that public. It entails setting limits. This is respecting and honoring yourself. You get to be the author of your life – what you’ll do and not do and how people will treat you.
Thank you all for this! I can relate to much of this. I keep typing and deleting because realizing this is hard yet I am relieved to finally understand my 18 year marriage and 30 year relationship with my ex-husband of 5 months.
This is very powerful information and I this thread continues. I am just now seeking therapy.
This is very powerful information and I this thread continues. I am just now seeking therapy.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
Congrats to you on your discovery and awareness! Thank you for bumping this thread! I wish you the best in your recovery. And you are right about it being hard. It takes a lot of courage to break free and step away from old habits, or thinking. It really is one day at a time! All of the books, videos, and posts have been such a blessing in my life as well.
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
This girl asked me to do her child’s reading fair board for her. I did the board last year. She wasn’t that appreciative. She has no job. She can do her own board! I said no I do t have time love. Felt sooo good.
I liked this post:
3 Powerful & Empowering Phrases/Questions to Free Yourself From Being a "Martyr" for Everyone But You:
"No."
"This/that is not MY problem."
"What if I didn't?"
1. "No" is a complete sentence. You don't owe anyone an explanation for how you choose to survive.
2. Her attitude. His abusiveness. His poor judgment. Her temper. Her lack of accountability. His lack of discipline. Their assumptions about you. Their cultural blindness.
None of that is YOUR problem.
Especially when it hinders your ability to care for yourself and those who matter most.
Hold your boundaries firmly.
3. Those things you think you need to buy? That new car you think you need to impress your friends (but will clean out your savings)? That event you think you have to attend to please your family? That person you think you need to associate with (but who drains your energy)?
What if you didn't?
How much money would you save? How much space would you have in your home? How much time would you reclaim to nurture yourself and those that support your joy?
Live these phrases with compassion, honesty and mindfulness and you will be, not only free from martyrdom, but also from the vicious cycle of guilt.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Still on this Codependent No More path and my life has changed more in the past 2 1/2 years than it had in the last 20. I’m making moves, continuing to heal/change, and really moving forward! I am so much happier. It is hard work changing yourself but so worthwhile. Keep going ladies. Be the star of your life, stay in the driver’s seat of your car/ your life. You can do it!
PrissiSippi
Simply Komplex
I'm still working on it as well. I'm so free. I'm starting to get to the point where I don't feel guilty. I'm protecting how I feel. My mother was using her rental house against me....I just gave it up. It didn't belong to me and I didn't want to have that over my head anymore. She talks to me horribly but guilts me into taking care of my elderly grandmother... I come over and help around, but that is not my burden. I'm about to detach and move away from men that mean me no good. I still slip but I'm getting to the part of my life where I'm like. Oh....this is getting good.
I'm thankful for you introducing me to the book @hopeful. Did I tell you I joined a book club that is also exploring the book?
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