Codependency Support Thread...breaking The Cycle

PrissiSippi said:
I'm very nice. I'm probably very vulnerable at this point. I must admit after DH left I decided I would pick myself and go on a date. I know I know wrong Idea. Anyway it was time for the date and no show. Two hours later I get a text saying that he got caught up at church and he was so sorry but he was almost finished. He called me one hour later asking was I still free. But I noticed into that phone call five minutes in he got a call from a "client" on the other line. Old me would have been so patient and forgiving. I thought about @hopeful with creating boundaries and @Zaynab saying that if a guy is serious....you are his Beyonce. He would never treat Beyonce like this and put her on hold. I told him I made other commitments for the day and he could call me later when his time was not so consumed. You would think he would apologize or call back to explain. Nah. It actually really weeded through the shullbit. This is the importance of boundaries.

I also realized that even though I'm going through, my mother never calls and checks on my wellbeing or tells me things will be alright. Even the whole trust in the Lord would suffice. I get nothing but wanting to know my business. So I have come to the conclusion that I need to stay far far far away from her and keep her out of my business and life as a drama blocking plan and boundary. So far....so good.

And of course I know I need my therapist. Hopefully I will be able to speed up on my recovery with more focus now that DH is out of the picture. My therapist always wanted me to focus on my dissertation and walking each day as some small habits. Now I have nothing but time to do so. Wish me luck.

In 2018, for the sake of me and my son....I will learn faith, take things one day at a time, and implement healthy boundaries for my future. I'm so optimistic. 30's will be lit. There is truly life after codependency.
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I need to get caught up. I hope everything is ok Priss. Did you and your DH split up or am I reading that wrong?
 
@PrissiSippi Trust me. If anyone knows, I promise you, life goes on. And you will be someone's Beyonce. One day I decided I'm my everyday Beyonce and someone will recognize that. And dh did and does treats me like I am. Don't settle for loving yourself 10000%%% and someone will love you even MORE. I promise you. Big hugs to you. I know you've been working on yourself and your marriage. What I've seen is you want a certain kind of husband and your current husband isn't that man. But, the man who is, you won't have to do anything and you won't have to mood or shape him. If you need anything, feel free to PM. All is not lost.
 
Zaynab said:
@PrissiSippi Trust me. If anyone knows, I promise you, life goes on. And you will be someone's Beyonce. One day I decided I'm my everyday Beyonce and someone will recognize that. And dh did and does treats me like I am. Don't settle for loving yourself 10000%%% and someone will love you even MORE. I promise you. Big hugs to you. I know you've been working on yourself and your marriage. What I've seen is you want a certain kind of husband and your current husband isn't that man. But, the man who is, you won't have to do anything and you won't have to mood or shape him. If you need anything, feel free to PM. All is not lost.
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Zaynab said:
I'm so sorry. It's been wonderful to watch you grow and evolve over the years. And I want to remind you that you don't have to jump through hoops for any man to see how wonderful you are and treat you as such. If one won't, one will. :kiss:
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Thank you @Zaynab I learn so much from you ladies!
 
So happy to see this thread. Remember the year plus I have referred to as discovering me? I've spent it in CODA and learning everything I could about Codependency. I even found a group for "Alternative Thinkers" that may have struggled with the religious aspects (no offense). Ross Rosenburg is the truth!!!!

I also did a lot of "Healing the Inner Child" work by Charles Whitfield (still working on that one), as my codependency was definitely linked to a less-than-stellar childhood.

To this day, I thank that last Narc for telling me to go kill myself because that's what got me into CODA. In essence, that's what I did. I separated myself from the old Tinyblu and codependent patterns.

Every day is a journey in recovery, but having the tools makes such a difference.

Thankfully, I'm no longer defined by a relationship, and I don't attach my worth to who likes me or if I have a man.

I think my only struggle now is the slight worry that, if I do connect with someone, I won't make the same mistake. I literally dated the same man with a different face for YEARS.

GOOD STUFF!!!!
 
Prissi, if you need to talk, PM me.
But if not, keep moving, hoping, focusing, praying, and believing that it will get better for you and your DS.
Nothing will come to you that you will not be strong enough to handle.

Your husband will live to regret this! But don't let what he's done make you bitter, but let it make you better.
I went from being a broken hearted wife but eventually met my current husband...who is fine, sexy, smart, and a "real" Christian. But even if I had not met him, I was fine with being without a man...cause I found my happiness inside. So when I met DH, he wasn't the cake, he was just the icing.
 
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hopeful said:
The danger of being too agreeable and too conscientious. Recipe to be exploited. Tell the truth and learn to negotiate on your behalf.

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Jordan Peterson is my fav college professor. I binge watch his videos bcuz they are so enlightening.

Undoing the codep programming, its definitely a marathon, not a sprint. I am at the stage now where certain ppl know i am NOT the person they used to get over on anymore. It feels great to know that those people hav lined up with the respect i know i deserve. Many of them are family members and i really really didnt wanna hav to kick them out of my life

Whats weird is that when you get stronger, their weakness get exposed and they know you know! It often goes unsaid but they know that u see them for who they are so they naturally fall back.
 
DarkJoy said:
Anyone here raised by narcs or abusive ppl? That's what got me sucked in. What was healthy? I had no clue until spending years in the therapists office. I realized around year 5 that all I talked about was him and my abusive parents. There was no space in the sessions for me! Wow. I was the poster child for codependence.

Marriage ended. Parents went to super-low contact. Life is much better.
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This is so me thinking back. Every single session is how my parents have hurt my feelings or how DH is a douche and how can I change my communication to reach him.

I very very very rarely talk about me. I'ma try to make sure the next session I talk about stuff like finding myself and doing my hobbies and be getting better a person vs trying to fix all these broken people.
 
shortdub78 said:
Maan! I was looking at this self help recovery program, but I can’t see myself paying for it right now. If I didn’t have other obligations I would get the program.. I really like it. I like stuff that gets right to the point. Maybe I can just get the book.
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What's the name of the program?
 
I really like Melanie’s approach to healing. She basically teaches to not focus on the narcissist, or the other toxic people in your life, but to deal with how those people were able to penetrate into your life in the first place. What emotional wounds are you carrying around that makes you an emotional target? She talks about getting out of the victimhood state and to no longer research and look up information on toxic people. Constantly Trying to learn all you can about those types of people will just keep you in a victim state. You are not learning how to get out of, but more so learning how to deal with it. It is good to understand and recognize what is being done to you, but you also have to learn how to move on and away from it.

And she talks about forgiveness. Being judgemental and self righteous of others is a symptom of something that hasn’t healed inside of you. Also, talking about what the toxic person has done to you all of the time keeps you in victimhood as well. She even discusses how LOA for someone that has not healed from trauma is ineffective. You have to find the source of the trauma, deal with it head on, in order to come out of it and be able to receive the good that you want to put out into the universe.

So I’m going to get the program. You can pay for it monthly.
 
shortdub78 said:
I really like Melanie’s approach to healing. She basically teaches to not focus on the narcissist, or the other toxic people in your life, but to deal with how those people were able to penetrate into your life in the first place. What emotional wounds are you carrying around that makes you an emotional target? She talks about getting out of the victimhood state and to no longer research and look up information on toxic people. Constantly Trying to learn all you can about those types of people will just keep you in a victim state. You are not learning how to get out of, but more so learning how to deal with it. It is good to understand and recognize what is being done to you, but you also have to learn how to move on and away from it.

And she talks about forgiveness. Being judgemental and self righteous of others is a symptom of something that hasn’t healed inside of you. Also, talking about what the toxic person has done to you all of the time keeps you in victimhood as well. She even discusses how LOA for someone that has not healed from trauma is ineffective. You have to find the source of the trauma, deal with it head on, in order to come out of it and be able to receive the good that you want to put out into the universe.

So I’m going to get the program. You can pay for it monthly.
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Thank you for the reminder! I agree with everything you wrote. Especially on not focusing on the narc and giving up researching them and their behaviors. I still find myself doing that and will stop immediately. I wanna move on and leave them in the past where they belong.
 
caribeandiva said:
Thank you for the reminder! I agree with everything you wrote. Especially on not focusing on the narc and giving up researching them and their behaviors. I still find myself doing that and will stop immediately. I wanna move on and leave them in the past where they belong.
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You know I had put so much energy into trying to learn how to arm myself to deal with them vs trying to figure out how to heal. Healing is what will set us free. I’m not trying to get in the fighting ring with those types of people anymore, since I now understand that I will always lose. I am not built like them. I am of spirit an life. You know I would draw people to me that I would play therapist with. I was always putting them on the couch. I got excited about trying to analyze them and fix them, but I would always feel drained by it afterwards. I don’t wanna be with people that I feel I need to some how fix, or be the friend of the underdog. That’s not good on my part. Even on this board, there are times when I wanna run to someone’s rescue and give them my perspective, but I’m starting to lean back from that. I’m good at analyzing people. But I gotta work on me. I take other people’s problems on mentally, and it stays with me. I relive traumatic experiences over and over in my head, it’s like Groundhog’s Day.
I decided I won’t watch Hoarders, or Extreme Cleaning shows. anymore. Yeah I’m rambling now, but I think you get the point of me putting that tibit in here! Lol
 
@caribeandiva @shortdub78
I’m leaning to more often pull the lens back a bit to see what’s really happening vs just interacting with people. I’ll pull back and ask myself what’s really going on here?

I check in on what MY motivations are too. Am I trying to prove myself worthy or am I trying to fix something? I have to check myself.

Just overall trying to be more wise. All predators aren’t necessarily narcs. Predatorial people come in all shapes and forms. And we’d go crazy trying to analyze every potential type. That’s why we have to focus on ourselves and heal ourselves. That is hard enough to do. Otherwise we’ll go crazy and start thinking everyone is a potential narc or predator which keeps us from living and enjoying all of the good people in the world. I love this guy’s videos on the topic of narcissists and empaths (who have the potential to become codependent).



At the end I like when he says we must learn to “pick up on nuance and subtlety in interpersonal relationships and the energy that people give.”
 
hopeful said:
@caribeandiva @shortdub78
I’m leaning to more often pull the lens back a bit to see what’s really happening vs just interacting with people. I’ll pull back and ask myself what’s really going on here?

I check in on what MY motivations are too. Am I trying to prove myself worthy or am I trying to fix something? I have to check myself.

Just overall trying to be more wise. All predators aren’t necessarily narcs. Predatorial people come in all shapes and forms. And we’d go crazy trying to analyze every potential type. That’s why we have to focus on ourselves and heal ourselves. That is hard enough to do. Otherwise we’ll go crazy and start thinking everyone is a potential narc or predator which keeps us from living and enjoying all of the good people in the world. I love this guy’s videos on the topic of narcissists and empaths (who have the potential to become codependent).



At the end I like when he says we must learn to “pick up on nuance and subtlety in interpersonal relationships and the energy that people give.”
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Yes I like him too! And you hit it on the nail with everything. I’m becoming aware of what is venting vs dumping. Narcs will dump their issues on you, and it is a way to draw you into their darkness. Others vent because they just need to talk and get it out. I am learning not to be so quick to wanna give my opinion, or try to fix what they are going through.
 
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hopeful said:
I check in on what MY motivations are too. Am I trying to prove myself worthy or am I trying to fix something? I have to check myself.
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I get it. I’m constantly checking myself too. I don’t wanna go into “fix it” mode since that’s my default mode. I need to focus on me and carry my own knapsack. Like @shortdub78 said I was trying to diagnose people hence all the research I was doing. I did that as a way to protect myself but all it did was keep me from enjoying life and looking at everyone in a paranoid way. I learned I can trust myself. When predatory people show up I pick up on that and act accordingly. I don’t give them the benefit of the doubt anymore. I quit making excuses for people.
 
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