Codependency Support Thread...breaking The Cycle

My mom is really good at gaslighting. I wrote both of my parents letters detailing all of the crap they did to me, how it affected and how I feel about it. My dad actually apologized to me which I wasn't expecting. My mom on the other hand put me on blast. How dare I accuse her of stuff she didn't do! Can I prove when she did xyz because she certainly didn't! Stop saying I kept borrowing $ from you cuz I didn't (she certainly did). I stayed at home as long as I did because of this crap. I believed her. I thought I was going crazy. Till this day she denies any wrongdoing. :mad:
 
I do my best to limit contact with my mom as much as possible. I'm down to less than once a month or 2. I decided to spend some time with my parents last week cuz they kept asking me to. After a while she started picking apart and criticizing my outfit calling it too revealing and not the way a Christian woman should be dressing. I love how she hides her malicious intent behind religion. My dad didn't say anything. The old me would've stopped wearing what I had on (spaghetti strap shirt and jean shorts) but the new me saw through this manipulative attempt. I was like *********. Nice try mom. Congratulations! I'm gonna spend even less time with you now!
 
So I finished the Codependent No More book by Melody Beattie. It was really wonderful and enlightening. I now plan to tackle the Codependent No More workbook.

My takeaways:

1. Codependents have to learn to detach from other people, their problems, and chaos.

2. Codependents are reactors, not actors. We react to problems, pains, lives and behaviors of others, and stress and uncertainty.

3. She says the most important thing is to take care of ourselves and to take responsibility for every facet our lives.

4. Codependents want to figure EVERYTHING out vs. stepping out on faith and taking life one day at a time.

5. She also highly recommends following the 12 steps for Codependents.
 
hopeful said:
So I finished the Codependent No More book by Melody Beattie. It was really wonderful and enlightening. I now plan to tackle the Codependent No More workbook.

My takeaways:

1. Codependents have to learn to detach from other people, their problems, and chaos.

2. Codependents are reactors, not actors. We react to problems, pains, lives and behaviors of others, and stress and uncertainty.

3. She says the most important thing is to take care of ourselves and to take responsibility for every facet our lives.

4. Codependents want to figure EVERYTHING out vs. stepping out on faith and taking life one day at a time.

5. She also highly recommends following the 12 steps for Codependents.
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Whooo, that sums it up to the 10th power.
 
Smiley79 said:
This is why this illustration is often used to depict an emotionally abusive narcissist. The one who KNOWS that they are taking advantage of a vulnerable situation and tend to leech on to individuals who are an easy prey for them. As much as this is true, I really try to put the responsibility on myself to simply say NO and not allow the wolves into my life anymore.
He's a smooth talker with little action=NO
He is unsure of wanting a relationship but he's a charmer who wants all the good benefits=NO
He's coming around or calling only when it's convenient for him=NO
He speaks negatively of his past relationships; everyone else is always the problem=NO

You get the drift guys....
wolf-in-sheeps-clothing-271x300.jpg
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What you mean by=No ? That equals untrue in terms of being a narcissist ?
 
From Codependent No More:

"We frequently react to people who are destroying themselves; we react by learning to destroy ourselves."

And

"These behaviors can prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our lives -- ourselves."
 
How is everybody doing? Working to rid myself of codependent behavior on a daily basis. I feel much happier thinking about myself and my feelings more. Like @DarkJoy said we have been brainwashed to not feel, not trust ourselves, and to not put ourselves first. Then society just does a number on women as a whole, encouraging us to endlessly sacrifice ourselves and be nice. And I think about all of the times I tried to break free and was instantly called out subtly and not so subtly for being selfish or mean, when I was only trying to break free and take better care of me.
 
***please do not quote****

I had a breakthrough recently. I am a child of a narcissist parent.

Before I knew what the word narcissist meant, I got involved with a man. I am not going to call him a narcissist but he was/is very selfish and controlling. He did not want me but we remained "friends". At the time, I thought I loved him. I moved away but we still remained "friends."

Couple of weeks ago, he asked me if I wanted to see him. I thought about it. I thought about how he never inconvenience himself for me but I am expected to drop everything for him. I told him no. He ends our relationship. I am like you rejected me several times, we remained "friends", I reject you once, "friendship" over.

I was a little mad, a little sad but I did not regret saying no. Now, I feel free and feel freer by the day.
 
mensa said:
Good for you. Keep looking ahead and don't look back.

When a man cares for you, he's concerned about how you feel. Life's too short to waste your time on someone who does not know nor appreciate your value.
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@mensa She requested to not be quoted.
 
hopeful said:
(((Hugs)))

This is a good book.

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love-Psychopaths-Relationships/dp/0984172807

The highlight is it describes the kind of women who love psychopaths, narcissists etc.

Basically too much of a good thing. She says the women tend to be:
Too Cooperative
Intensely Attached
Overly Empathetic
Too Tolerant -- able to endure too much hardship
Very Friendly
Too Supportive
Too Trusting -- trusting without requiring people to prove themselves to be deserving of trust. Choosing words over actions, etc.
Extremely (insanely) Loyal

This info IMO is more important than the info about psychopaths.
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Reposting my own post. Also recommending How to Spot a Dangerous Man before you get involved and the accompanying workbook, all by Sandra L. Brown.
 
hopeful said:
So I finished the Codependent No More book by Melody Beattie. It was really wonderful and enlightening. I now plan to tackle the Codependent No More workbook.

My takeaways:

1. Codependents have to learn to detach from other people, their problems, and chaos.

2. Codependents are reactors, not actors. We react to problems, pains, lives and behaviors of others, and stress and uncertainty.

3. She says the most important thing is to take care of ourselves and to take responsibility for every facet our lives.

4. Codependents want to figure EVERYTHING out vs. stepping out on faith and taking life one day at a time.

5. She also highly recommends following the 12 steps for Codependents.
Click to expand...
Aight story of my life. Needed to see this.
 
PrissiSippi said:
Aight story of my life. Needed to see this.
Click to expand...

Glad you bumped this thread Priss.

caribeandiva said:
This thread is a gem!
Click to expand...

It really is.

I found these two video to be helpful, especially the 2nd one.





I also wanted to encourage those of you who are waking up to your codependency: Keep.At.It. It takes time to heal. It’s layers and layers of healing. You have to be determined and open to looking at yourself vs looking at others. The narcs aren’t going anywhere. Neither are the takers or the addicts or the cheaters or liars. Until we heal ourselves we will be magnets to these people. We have to learn to take good care of ourselves, set and maintain healthy boundaries, say no firmly, walk away when necessary without explanation, and appear to be mean or even selfish sometimes. We have to grow up if we want healthy and fulfilling relationships. We deserve reciprocity in our relationships. And we deserve to be autonomous human beings with our own hopes and dreams and aspirations.

Breaking codependent habits is hard work. You gotta be willing to do the hard work. Feeling better and doing better does not happen overnight. But you can do it. And the sooner you start the better. Do whatever you have to do to become a more balanced human being. We were not put on this earth to serve others and sacrifice ourselves for others.

The black community as a whole especially encourages black women to be the sacrifice to the black man and the black community. So I think that while codependency is a big problem for many women of all races, ethnicities, and backgrounds, it is especially so for black women.

Anyway, there is life after codependency. A much happier and more fulfilling and satisfying life. The book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is like a bible for codependents. Start there. See a therapist. Go to a codependent group meeting. You have to find your path to wellness. For each person it’s different. I needed a therapist. Some need a 12 step program. The main thing is to get going and do something to get yourself on a path to healing.

We talk a lot about how pathological narcs and people like them are. But the truth is that it is also pathological to be so nice and helpful and giving and patient that you would be willing to sacrifice your own peace, happiness, and dreams for another person. We all only get one life.
 
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I'm very nice. I'm probably very vulnerable at this point. I must admit after DH left I decided I would pick myself and go on a date. I know I know wrong Idea. Anyway it was time for the date and no show. Two hours later I get a text saying that he got caught up at church and he was so sorry but he was almost finished. He called me one hour later asking was I still free. But I noticed into that phone call five minutes in he got a call from a "client" on the other line. Old me would have been so patient and forgiving. I thought about @hopeful with creating boundaries and @Zaynab saying that if a guy is serious....you are his Beyonce. He would never treat Beyonce like this and put her on hold. I told him I made other commitments for the day and he could call me later when his time was not so consumed. You would think he would apologize or call back to explain. Nah. It actually really weeded through the shullbit. This is the importance of boundaries.

I also realized that even though I'm going through, my mother never calls and checks on my wellbeing or tells me things will be alright. Even the whole trust in the Lord would suffice. I get nothing but wanting to know my business. So I have come to the conclusion that I need to stay far far far away from her and keep her out of my business and life as a drama blocking plan and boundary. So far....so good.

And of course I know I need my therapist. Hopefully I will be able to speed up on my recovery with more focus now that DH is out of the picture. My therapist always wanted me to focus on my dissertation and walking each day as some small habits. Now I have nothing but time to do so. Wish me luck.

In 2018, for the sake of me and my son....I will learn faith, take things one day at a time, and implement healthy boundaries for my future. I'm so optimistic. 30's will be lit. There is truly life after codependency.
 
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