Thread for the heartbroken

[Lucia]

I'm angry and upset with myself. I'm like a scratched broken record. No matter how hard I try I keep thinking about my ex and all the negative emotions are engulfing me. I've tried praying, repeating affirmations but none of it's working. I need some practical strategies to help me now rather than just waiting for time to pass.

All these feelings were sparked off when I learnt that my ex's father died.
I know that he has moved on . I just need to finally do the same.

The harder you love, the harder it hurts. Give yourself the grace, space, and time to heal. Acknowledge what was good, what you learned, and think about some action steps that will help you move forward.

Yesterday, the GPS routed me near 2 of my old neighborhoods AND near where my ex used to live. Instead of getting upset, I verbally acknowledged this, thought about some good memories, and restated my intention to date and find someone who is worthy of me. Any bitterness that wanted to creep in was replaced with peace and focus.

You may need to take things one hour at a time. A day might be too much.

Forgive yourself. I don’t know what happened, but trying to use those type of methods won’t work, until you deal with whatever is going on that got you where you are and it didn’t start with this particular relationship. The unconscious mind doesn’t deal in logic, and using prayer and LOA will only attract what you are truly thinking and feeling deep down inside. You gotta get rid of the inner clutter first.

@RUBY
I agree with positive affirmations and LOA don’t work if your real internal dialogue is something else you may not even be conscious of it. Anger is just the defense mechanism for hurt. When was that hurt why by whom? Anger us again another vicious cycle we can fall imto that focuses our energy on the person or thing we’re trying to forget. You have to find a way to forgive yourself and him. If you honestly can’t yet then if you pray ask Jesus to forgive him cause you’re not able to yet and let him go. I’ve been there it’s hard but I also hard to root out the real issue. A person you’ve just now been with for a vile of months or4 years vannit have that deep hold on you it’s reminding you’re subconscious of some other hurt before.

But prayer depending on what you’re praying for can help if you’re praying just to get over it that’s not going to work you still have to deal with maybe parental issues from your childhood etc.... if you pray for Holy Spirit to guide you to what you need and help you overcome that will work but not by itself you still have to do the work and clean out your closet. There’s no magic pill formula or set of rules that will do it take your time and find out what is really coming up when you had the break up to upset you and make it so hard to let go. Then clean house and break the pattern. HTH

 

[MzLady78]

For some reason, he's been on my mind the last 2 days. Probably because it's the longest we've gone without contact now, at 7 months. I got in an Uber to meet my cousins for dinner and the driver put on Alicia Keys' "Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart", a song that has literally made me walk out of establishments cuz it tends to make me cry. But I got through it. I got home and not being distracted anymore, I was feeling some way. I just kept telling myself it's alright, that after loving him so long, there's gonna be times for awhile when no matter how good I'm doing, I'm gonna miss him and feel hurt. But it'll pass. I can feel it for a bit, but I can't stay there.

I'm pretty damn proud of myself.

 

[RUBY]

For some reason, he's been on my mind the last 2 days. Probably because it's the longest we've gone without contact now, at 7 months. I got in an Uber to meet my cousins for dinner and the driver put on Alicia Keys' "Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart", a song that has literally made me walk out of establishments cuz it tends to make me cry. But I got through it. I got home and not being distracted anymore, I was feeling some way. I just kept telling myself it's alright, that after loving him so long, there's gonna be times for awhile when no matter how good I'm doing, I'm gonna miss him and feel hurt. But it'll pass. I can feel it for a bit, but I can't stay there.

I'm pretty damn proud of myself.

Well done.

 

[LdyKamz]

For some reason, he's been on my mind the last 2 days. Probably because it's the longest we've gone without contact now, at 7 months. I got in an Uber to meet my cousins for dinner and the driver put on Alicia Keys' "Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart", a song that has literally made me walk out of establishments cuz it tends to make me cry. But I got through it. I got home and not being distracted anymore, I was feeling some way. I just kept telling myself it's alright, that after loving him so long, there's gonna be times for awhile when no matter how good I'm doing, I'm gonna miss him and feel hurt. But it'll pass. I can feel it for a bit, but I can't stay there.

I'm pretty damn proud of myself.

I'm proud of you too!!

 

[LdyKamz]

I'm guessing you did the in-person session in NYC? And it was $350 for the hour right?

I'm thinking I'll see if he can do a Skype session with a male family member of mine. He and his GF broke up a couple months ago and he still can't seem to get over it and see any future without her in it. He's not suicidal but definitely depressed. I think I'd rather spend the money for a session or two with Guy than to go out and try to find someone locally that knows what he/she is doing and this family member can connect with.

Yes I did the in person session for $350 for the hour. It flew by. Try emailing him and see what dates he has available for Skype sessions. He told me he had travel coming up so I'm guessing there's going to be a point in the near future where he will be more available via Skype than he will be in the city. I'd rather see him in person so I told him I would wait until he gets back to schedule again if I wanted to.

 

[RUBY]

I think I've turned a corner.
Good Friday was a breakthrough day for me.

 

[sarumoki]

I had a weak moment where I got drunk and messaged the old dude on IG. I don't know why I did it. He didn't respond, nor did I expect him to. I don't know why, but a part of me still misses him like crazy even though he was so bad for me. I just can't seem to let him go fully.

 

[MzLady78]

I had a weak moment where I got drunk and messaged the old dude on IG. I don't know why I did it. He didn't respond, nor did I expect him to. I don't know why, but a part of me still misses him like crazy even though he was so bad for me. I just can't seem to let him go fully.

You already know I feel you.

Hang in there and don't beat yourself up too much.

 

[Evolving78]

@sarumoki
Today is a new day! That’s the beauty of it all! New day, new start!

 

[KiSseS03]

I met someone a little over a month ago, and as with almost all of my romantic relationships, things moved way too quickly, I put him on a pedastal that was undeserved and I'm left reeling a bit now. Thankfully, this time the whole thing happened and was over within about a month, but I spent so many hours with him, so much time on the phone, and so much mental energy on him that I'm pretty drained right now.

My therapist has helped me to realize that when it comes to romantic relationships I tend to lose myself. It's as if I believe that this new love is the missing, final piece, that will complete my life and bring me joy. I think this is why when things fall apart it always feels like such a huge catastrophe.

Her words were my wakeup call that I need to focus on mindfulness again. Finding joy and peace in my solitude. I deleted OkCupid. It's time to get back to me again.

 

[Evolving78]

I met someone a little over a month ago, and as with almost all of my romantic relationships, things moved way too quickly, I put him on a pedastal that was undeserved and I'm left reeling a bit now. Thankfully, this time the whole thing happened and was over within about a month, but I spent so many hours with him, so much time on the phone, and so much mental energy on him that I'm pretty drained right now.

My therapist has helped me to realize that when it comes to romantic relationships I tend to lose myself. It's as if I believe that this new love is the missing, final piece, that will complete my life and bring me joy. I think this is why when things fall apart it always feels like such a huge catastrophe.

Her words were my wakeup call that I need to focus on mindfulness again. Finding joy and peace in my solitude. I deleted OkCupid. It's time to get back to me again.

Put all of that time back into Self! Get connected to you! Been there done that, can write a book on it! Lol I was the poster child for that type of stuff when it came to men. I didn’t have much self esteem, since I was putting so much “steam” into them, that once we broke up, or they just disappeared, I was left broken and feeling abandoned. I but I didn’t go after them trying to chase them down to find out the why either. I would just move along, or always had somebody else waiting around the corner. Now I got a new song to sing! I like putting all of this energy into myself. The song called Beautiful by India Arie really helped me. Now her song called Strength Courage, and Wisedom is where I’m at now. I am an extension of Source; of Grace. I’m in the now. I can start living now. I can make changes now. I know that I am loved and what’s inside of me is of possibilities beyond my imagination. No conditions. I don’t have to do all of those things to prove I’m worthy of love. It’s always been there. I was just looking for it through others. I am a baby in all of this. I like that. I’m a baby. Babies need lots of love, attention, and nourishment. I’m getting that now. When I become strong, no longer crawling and can walk, I will take off running! I say this all to you to say, Cheer up! Be happy in what you learned from your therapy session! You are aware now! You can’t go back, once you have seen the light! Can’t go back to being blind. Peace and blessings to you! Go with Grace!

 

[hopeful]

(((Hugs))) @KiSseS03
We have to learn how to be connected to someone while also maintaining our separateness. Maintaining our boundaries. Know where others begin and end and where we begin and end. It’s easy to get caught up.

The only way we really know how healed and whole we are is to engage with others. We can’t heal in a vacuum. The gift of this guy is that he revealed an area that still needs healing. With each experience you learn more about yourself. Give yourself credit for getting out there and trying. Don’t consider it a failure, but instead a learning experience.

Keep at it. You deserve a healthy relationship. I also no longer believe in any one person or job or whatever being it, being the final piece. Life and people (including us) are constantly changing. A relationship may be perfect for a few weeks, months, or years, then slowly or quickly change. We have to learn to be more aware and present, alert to subtle changes, expect them even. It’s hard to monitor what’s really going on if we are enmeshed with others.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with us. I have really enjoyed reading about your journey and seeing your growth and evolution. I have learned a lot from you.

 

[intellectualuva]

Y'all.

I am just getting back to my home base. I had spent a total of 5 days here since our split, so I was looking forwarding to being home. I wrapped up another successful project for my business. Starting a cool new project on my FT. I had a vacation in Bali that was rejuvenating and peaceful.

He and I had a few conversations since the breakup. 1 he initiated (during which he asked me to bring him something that can only be bought in Bali) and another I initiated. I texted him while in Bali ( it was the anniversary of our first date and I was feeling sentimental). He stopped being engaged in the middle of the conversation, so I let it hang. That was our last chat.

I came back and wanted to unpack, get my apartment together because I moved in the middle of my project, so I also needed to unpack my apartment itself before I reached out to him to meet up. I had a plan and i felt ok, good even as I move forward.

I get a video message on an app we used to use from him and his youngest son (a toddler who I guess had been asking for me) saying I want to speak to (my name). My ex is also heard saying, well say hi to her.. Ask her where she's been. The video is just him eating and saying my repeatedly in between my ex's prompts. Then my ex says tell her bye bye (because he's back now engrossed in the food), the baby says again, noooo Hi (my name). My ex then says (Say long time no see) then the baby repeats what he can (which is time no see ). Ex prods him to say talk to you later. The baby says I want to talk to (my name). My ex says you are talking to her. Then they end the message.

I text back.

I send a video message

Nothing.

And now I'm just . Full on weepy mess. I had plans to do more organizing, but all i want to do is eat some Halo ice cream and get in bed. He has to know how much I miss him and those boys and to just I don't know, I won't call it dangling a carrot because it isn't. All I know is it feels mean. Just unnecessarily cruel.

 

[MzLady78]

I wonder when I'll feel completely whole again. When I'll really, truly be ok. Yes, I stopped crying. Yes, I think of him a little less these days. But it's like this weight on my soul that never totally lifts. He hasn't tried to contact me, not once in the last 8 months. And I know that for my healing purposes, it's for the best. I know there is nothing he could ever say to me that would justify his treatment or make me feel better about how hard we crashed and burned. But I don't know that him walking away and not looking back will ever not hurt me to my core.

 

[tolly]

@intellectualuva sending you that video with the little boy IS cruel, knowing it would pull at your heart.
I don't know anything else about him or your relationship with him but I already know from this one narration that he is a cold manipulative man. Sending that video and then ignoring your reply is toying with you.
I hope you start to feel better soon.
Do you really have to arrange a meeting with him? Why are you getting anything from Bali for this fool who had the effrontery to disrupt your vacation with his nonsense. Trust me his becoming disengaged during your conversation wasn't coincidence. He knows what he's doing. It's very cruel to his son too.

 

[tolly]

@MzLady78 I hope you continue to feel better. You already know this man isn't worth your time. I earnestly hope that soon you don't give him any more of your time and thoughts.

 

[Evolving78]

@intellectualuva
You have to go no contact with this man. His mask is falling off. You keep engaging with him and you will be in dark choppy waters, far away from the shore. There is no going back, reminiscening about the good times. He is your EX. He isn’t happy with himself and the way things ended and he wants you to feel the same. This is toxic behavior. ABUSIVE behavior. Leave him alone.

 

[Evolving78]

@MzLady78
I hope you feel better. Today is a new day!

 

[MzLady78]

@MzLady78
I hope you feel better. Today is a new day!

@MzLady78 I hope you continue to feel better. You already know this man isn't worth your time. I earnestly hope that soon you don't give him any more of your time and thoughts.

Thanks, ladies.

I had been when I wrote this, so while it was definitely how I was feeling, I'm alright today.

 

[intellectualuva]

@intellectualuva sending you that video with the little boy IS cruel, knowing it would pull at your heart.
I don't know anything else about him or your relationship with him but I already know from this one narration that he is a cold manipulative man. Sending that video and then ignoring your reply is toying with you.
I hope you start to feel better soon.
Do you really have to arrange a meeting with him? Why are you getting anything from Bali for this fool who had the effrontery to disrupt your vacation with his nonsense. Trust me his becoming disengaged during your conversation wasn't coincidence. He knows what he's doing. It's very cruel to his son too.

He didn't interrupt my vacation. I interrupted mine by contacting him. I'm back home now. He sent that message after I'd been home a few days. I just hadn't reached out to him to let him know I was back yet.

No I don't have to arrange a meeting. I won't. After sleeping on it, I am going to go no contact. I agree with both of you. There's a reason why it felt terrible cruel...its because its abusive.

@intellectualuva
You have to go no contact with this man. His mask is falling off. You keep engaging with him and you will be in dark choppy waters, far away from the shore. There is no going back, reminiscening about the good times. He is your EX. He isn’t happy with himself and the way things ended and he wants you to feel the same. This is toxic behavior. ABUSIVE behavior. Leave him alone.

My cousin said the first bolded. We're both surprised because be seems nothing like the guy any of us met.

As for the rest, you're right. You would think someone who broke up with me so he could go enjoy being single wouldn't feel the need to make ME feel terrible about it, but it is what it is.

Thanks ladies. It still feels like a kick in the gut, but I don't want to wallow. I'll get through it. I keep focusing on finding little bursts of peace and laughter where I can.

 

[Evolving78]

He didn't interrupt my vacation. I interrupted mine by contacting him. I'm back home now. He sent that message after I'd been home a few days. I just hadn't reached out to him to let him know I was back yet.

No I don't have to arrange a meeting. I won't. After sleeping on it, I am going to go no contact. I agree with both of you. There's a reason why it felt terrible cruel...its because its abusive.


My cousin said the first bolded. We're both surprised because be seems nothing like the guy any of us met.

As for the rest, you're right. You would think someone who broke up with me so he could go enjoy being single wouldn't feel the need to make ME feel terrible about it, but it is what it is.

Thanks ladies. It still feels like a kick in the gut, but I don't want to wallow. I'll get through it. I keep focusing on finding little bursts of peace and laughter where I can.

Yes feel better! You came back from a nice vacation, and you have some unpacking to do! Lol

 

[KiSseS03]

I met someone a little over a month ago, and as with almost all of my romantic relationships, things moved way too quickly, I put him on a pedastal that was undeserved and I'm left reeling a bit now. Thankfully, this time the whole thing happened and was over within about a month, but I spent so many hours with him, so much time on the phone, and so much mental energy on him that I'm pretty drained right now.

My therapist has helped me to realize that when it comes to romantic relationships I tend to lose myself. It's as if I believe that this new love is the missing, final piece, that will complete my life and bring me joy. I think this is why when things fall apart it always feels like such a huge catastrophe.

Her words were my wakeup call that I need to focus on mindfulness again. Finding joy and peace in my solitude. I deleted OkCupid. It's time to get back to me again.

I am doing sooooo much better since this post. Thank you all for your kind words. It's so true that time heals!

I'm re-starting my embracing singe journey. Will continue in the other thread. Sending love and hugs to all of you that are hurting. It gets better <3

 

[LdyKamz]

So I'm not going through a break up but for some reason for the past week I feel like I'm going through one. I have no idea what this means for me but I'm feeling down and defeated about romance (and maybe life in general). I've been single for a little over a year now but I've dated regularly and nothing has been what I want. I don't even know why I'm posting in here because I don't even really know what I want to say other than I feel...bad. I have some ideas about how to start feeling better but right now all I want to do is order Chinese and stay in bed for the rest of the night.

 

[Adgirl]

I’m dealing with a case of being ghosted by a guy I’ve been seeing for two years. All was well , at least according to me but he started to ignore my phone calls with a quick I’m in a meeting reply and never calling then followed by I have visitors in town I’m Busy texts therefore I stopped even trying. I did not even see the red flags. I kept checking in my head over and over again but nothing stands out in particular. Two years of my life I can’t get back! We never had a fight, no cheating , no disrespect....then poof gone .Don’t know what to do ? I don’t feel hurt. I’m just confused. What to do ?

 

[LovelyRo]

I guess it's easier to make me the enemy rather than to accept that he lied to and disrespected you from Day 1.

Ran into the dude’s girlfriend (his other GF when we were together)... awkward AF. I hate that dude created unnecessary beef. I have never had a problem with this chick!

 

[Evolving78]

Ran into the dude’s girlfriend (his other GF when we were together)... awkward AF. I hate that dude created unnecessary beef. I have never had a problem with this chick!

So forgive her and yourself and move foward. I know how you feel, believe me I do. I was in a triangulation and Cold War for several years. That energy is so wasted. Don’t hold her in your mental prison. Release her.

 

[Evolving78]

I’m dealing with a case of being ghosted by a guy I’ve been seeing for two years. All was well , at least according to me but he started to ignore my phone calls with a quick I’m in a meeting reply and never calling then followed by I have visitors in town I’m Busy texts therefore I stopped even trying. I did not even see the red flags. I kept checking in my head over and over again but nothing stands out in particular. Two years of my life I can’t get back! We never had a fight, no cheating , no disrespect....then poof gone .Don’t know what to do ? I don’t feel hurt. I’m just confused. What to do ?

When this has happened to me, I would give myself 5-7 Days to get over it. And believe me I get where you are coming from. I was having the time of my life with this guy, and he just disappeared on me. I just couldn’t make sense of it. But I gave myself a week to ponder over it, and would check the days off on a calendar. I would be on to the next! Lol

 

[MzLady78]

I’m dealing with a case of being ghosted by a guy I’ve been seeing for two years. All was well , at least according to me but he started to ignore my phone calls with a quick I’m in a meeting reply and never calling then followed by I have visitors in town I’m Busy texts therefore I stopped even trying. I did not even see the red flags. I kept checking in my head over and over again but nothing stands out in particular. Two years of my life I can’t get back! We never had a fight, no cheating , no disrespect....then poof gone .Don’t know what to do ? I don’t feel hurt. I’m just confused. What to do ?

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I know it's hard, but try not to spend too much time trying to figure out what you may or may not have done wrong. In all likelihood, it has nothing to do with you. Something probably changed for him, and instead of doing the kind and mature thing and telling you, he chose to go this route.

As far as what to do, all you can do is start moving on. I know you want answers, but continuing to reach out to him while he's ignoring you won't do anything but feed his ego and make you feel worse. And there's really nothing he could say that would justify his behavior anyway.

Men's lack of empathy is really disturbing to me.

 

[MzLady78]

So I'm not going through a break up but for some reason for the past week I feel like I'm going through one. I have no idea what this means for me but I'm feeling down and defeated about romance (and maybe life in general). I've been single for a little over a year now but I've dated regularly and nothing has been what I want. I don't even know why I'm posting in here because I don't even really know what I want to say other than I feel...bad. I have some ideas about how to start feeling better but right now all I want to do is order Chinese and stay in bed for the rest of the night.

Shiiid, only a year? Must be nice.

I know this was a few days ago, but I hope you're feeling better.

 

[LdyKamz]

Shiiid, only a year? Must be nice.

I know this was a few days ago, but I hope you're feeling better.

Thank you. As far as the bold I guess it's all relative. I feel like it's been forever! But I'm not feeling better. It's Saturday and I woke up feeling the way I feel when I've been dumped. Just so down and depressed. I showered, did my hair, did my makeup and got dressed. I look bleeping hot! But I don't want to leave the house. I just want to sit here all day and night by myself in the dark and just feel sad. I seriously have no idea what's wrong with me.