Thread for the heartbroken
- Thread starter SurferBabe
- Start date
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
And you know these men go through a lot and put on a great show to get you. Once you put your guard down, the party is over, and you are left with trying to figure it all out. I have had that happened to me so many times. And there was always another one waiting behind the scenes, so I never had to be alone. I had no problem getting quickly over someone.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
I’ve been feeling pretty good lately. When I think about what happened, it’s very much in passing, I’m not dwelling on it anymore. It’s like a switch flipped. I went on vacation and met a number of fun, kind and generous people. And it was great to spend time with my sis out of mommy mode. I could not have asked for a better 40th birthday or a better trip. Came back and spent the following weekend out at my cousin’s, only leaving the house to see Black Panther. Spent most of it dancing and singing to old school music and embarrassing his kids in front of their friend. 
Little things, but it’s like this is what life is about. Surrounding myself with people who enjoy my company and people who love me. Creating happy memories. Not worrying about not being enough or being too much for someone. I still have a long way to go, I know I’m far from healed. But I’m more at peace than I’ve been in a long time. Well, at least in this area, my work life is about to implode. But I’m not even trippin’ on that too much. It’s just a job, and it’s not the only one out there. It’ll work out.
So yeah, that’s where I am. For today, at least.
Little things, but it’s like this is what life is about. Surrounding myself with people who enjoy my company and people who love me. Creating happy memories. Not worrying about not being enough or being too much for someone. I still have a long way to go, I know I’m far from healed. But I’m more at peace than I’ve been in a long time. Well, at least in this area, my work life is about to implode. But I’m not even trippin’ on that too much. It’s just a job, and it’s not the only one out there. It’ll work out.
So yeah, that’s where I am. For today, at least.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
SurferBabe
Well-Known Member
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Thanks!
I couldn’t have gotten this far without all the support and encouragement in this thread.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
RUBY
Well-Known Member
I'm angry and upset with myself. I'm like a scratched broken record. No matter how hard I try I keep thinking about my ex and all the negative emotions are engulfing me. I've tried praying, repeating affirmations but none of it's working. I need some practical strategies to help me now rather than just waiting for time to pass.
All these feelings were sparked off when I learnt that my ex's father died.
I know that he has moved on . I just need to finally do the same.
All these feelings were sparked off when I learnt that my ex's father died.
I know that he has moved on . I just need to finally do the same.
ArrrBeee
Well-Known Member
The harder you love, the harder it hurts. Give yourself the grace, space, and time to heal. Acknowledge what was good, what you learned, and think about some action steps that will help you move forward.
Yesterday, the GPS routed me near 2 of my old neighborhoods AND near where my ex used to live. Instead of getting upset, I verbally acknowledged this, thought about some good memories, and restated my intention to date and find someone who is worthy of me. Any bitterness that wanted to creep in was replaced with peace and focus.
You may need to take things one hour at a time. A day might be too much.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
Forgive yourself. I don’t know what happened, but trying to use those type of methods won’t work, until you deal with whatever is going on that got you where you are and it didn’t start with this particular relationship. The unconscious mind doesn’t deal in logic, and using prayer and LOA will only attract what you are truly thinking and feeling deep down inside. You gotta get rid of the inner clutter first.
SurferBabe
Well-Known Member
I'm reading yet another book, Zen and the Art of Falling in Love, and want to share this excerpt of it:
By leaning back with others we create heaven on earth, no matter who comes and goes. We do not grab onto others, claiming them as our own. We welcome anyone who comes, not with blame, demands or disappointment, but with the understanding that each person is a precious gift, given to us for a certain period of time. When the time comes for that person to depart, we honor his departure and do not pursue. - we do not create guilt or blame because he is departing. When others feel the respect and space this gives them, it opens the door for them to be all that they can and creates a fertile ground and a safe place for love. As we let go of control, not only is a great energy restored to us, but we become able to see the root from which real love grows. Welcoming someone when he comes, not pursuing when he goes, is a manifestation of a life of love. The more we enter this way of life, the more full and joyous we become, not swimming against the tides of life, but becoming able to play in the waves and enjoy the ride thoroughly.
By leaning back with others we create heaven on earth, no matter who comes and goes. We do not grab onto others, claiming them as our own. We welcome anyone who comes, not with blame, demands or disappointment, but with the understanding that each person is a precious gift, given to us for a certain period of time. When the time comes for that person to depart, we honor his departure and do not pursue. - we do not create guilt or blame because he is departing. When others feel the respect and space this gives them, it opens the door for them to be all that they can and creates a fertile ground and a safe place for love. As we let go of control, not only is a great energy restored to us, but we become able to see the root from which real love grows. Welcoming someone when he comes, not pursuing when he goes, is a manifestation of a life of love. The more we enter this way of life, the more full and joyous we become, not swimming against the tides of life, but becoming able to play in the waves and enjoy the ride thoroughly.
intellectualuva
Well-Known Member
I watched this Tedtalk recently as I've been struggling looking at our old photos, videos, etc I needed that message as I knew it wasn't helping me heal to keep going down memory lane. It also reminded me that I really idealized him and our relationship. I made all sorts of compromises and it was mostly because compared to the ex before him...he was better. But in the same way folks think ChikFilA is best of all the fast food places....it's still fast food. I also was comparing him to the ex in full on narc devalue mode towards the end. Of course, it felt like a breath of fresh air in comparision to the worse of the other ex. I should have insisted we slow things down a bit (I was essentially living with him - at his insistence- less than 2 months in). Anyway, taking things even slower would've helped me see things sooner I think. I also clearly still needed to heal from my previous relationship.
Anyway, Guy Winch is on to something here.
Hes got another Tedtalk that I enjoyed called emotional hygiene.
Anyway, Guy Winch is on to something here.
Hes got another Tedtalk that I enjoyed called emotional hygiene.
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hopeful
Well-Known Member
Try not to be angry or upset with yourself. When your mind wanders back to him, gently but firmly say I love you (myself) it’s ok but I want to think about something else, someone else, and keep moving forward. Be loving but firm. You are in charge. It gets better. Trust me. Try your best to think about you and what you want versus him and what you hoped for with him. You are lovable and beautiful and everything is going to be ok.
lavaflow99
In search of the next vacation
Great video! I so agree with focusing on the negative of the ex and why he is no good. I did that with my first ever ex years ago and found it extremely therapeutic. I figured I had nothing to gain by focusing on the few good qualities/days of the relationship and wanted to move on emotionally as rapidly as possible. So did the "stay mad" thing and over time (probably about a year), I got over him. And making that mental list of his no good traits was helpful in future relationships as I have no tolerance for men that triggers the reminders of him.
And you will heal @intellectualuva!
I saw this and the other talk he did. I wonder what his rates are so I emailed him since I need a new therapist. I'll report back if I hear anything if anyone else is interested.
LovelyRo
Well-Known Member
@intellectualuva thanks for sharing that Ted talk... very helpful.
It’s interesting that he suggests writing a list of the bad things because I wrote a list of all the reasons why it didn’t work shortly after my breakup and I didn’t revisit it until about a month ago. I was definitely idealizing the relationship. The reality of the situation is that he wasn’t a good match for me and there were some physical attributes that legit disgusted me! It makes no sense to idealize something that I don’t want.
It’s interesting that he suggests writing a list of the bad things because I wrote a list of all the reasons why it didn’t work shortly after my breakup and I didn’t revisit it until about a month ago. I was definitely idealizing the relationship. The reality of the situation is that he wasn’t a good match for me and there were some physical attributes that legit disgusted me! It makes no sense to idealize something that I don’t want.
RUBY
Well-Known Member
Thanks @hopeful, @shortdub78 , @ArrrBeee for your suggestions and everyone for your support.
Something happen yesterday with resonated with me and I don't quite know how to process it.
When I was coming back from the store, a man across the street was shouting out begging for money. I ignored the man but a woman behind me answered the man back saying she didn't have anything. The man said that was bull and the woman replied back that it wasn't as she had already helped someone by giving them her ATM card and they had taken her money. The man begging kept shouting profanities. This exchange was going on as we were both still walking down the street.
I looked back and the lady who was behind me was saying how rude that man begging was and I replied yes to her. Somehow she fell into step with me and started talking to me. She said that ordinarily she would usually give money to people like that man begging f she had it and launched into the story about given someone her ATM card. I said that she shouldn't give anyone her bank card.
Normally I don't talk to strangers but as we had both been heckled by the begging man and it was late I just thought I would humour the lady and walk with her as she was talking and we were both going in the same direction. Anyway she carries on her talking about her friend, boyfriend and how she has faith that everything will work out etc.
At that point we are near a church and she asks me about my faith and I answered honestly and said that " it's wavering" she says "ah, then nots talk about that" then goes back to her story about her friend, boyfriend etc.
When we get to the end of the road where I turn, I just advised her about keeping her ATM card safe and being cautious with people. Then she turns to me and says "Don't lose your faith. It's people who make you lose faith"
I turned said ok and bye and it was in that moment like a bolt through my body that I realised that this woman was the same woman who I was on a bus with years ago when I coming back from the last date I had with my ex.
My ex and I were on the bus together and he had to get off. After he did this woman asked me "is that your husband?" I said "no" and she said that she thought he was because of the way were together.
I had tears as I reached my house because I was shocked with the all the above.
I know that it's more than a coincidence that I met that woman again but I don't know what it means.
I always remembered what she said that first time and what she said yesterday was so poignant as well I'll never forget it either.
Something happen yesterday with resonated with me and I don't quite know how to process it.
When I was coming back from the store, a man across the street was shouting out begging for money. I ignored the man but a woman behind me answered the man back saying she didn't have anything. The man said that was bull and the woman replied back that it wasn't as she had already helped someone by giving them her ATM card and they had taken her money. The man begging kept shouting profanities. This exchange was going on as we were both still walking down the street.
I looked back and the lady who was behind me was saying how rude that man begging was and I replied yes to her. Somehow she fell into step with me and started talking to me. She said that ordinarily she would usually give money to people like that man begging f she had it and launched into the story about given someone her ATM card. I said that she shouldn't give anyone her bank card.
Normally I don't talk to strangers but as we had both been heckled by the begging man and it was late I just thought I would humour the lady and walk with her as she was talking and we were both going in the same direction. Anyway she carries on her talking about her friend, boyfriend and how she has faith that everything will work out etc.
At that point we are near a church and she asks me about my faith and I answered honestly and said that " it's wavering" she says "ah, then nots talk about that" then goes back to her story about her friend, boyfriend etc.
When we get to the end of the road where I turn, I just advised her about keeping her ATM card safe and being cautious with people. Then she turns to me and says "Don't lose your faith. It's people who make you lose faith"
I turned said ok and bye and it was in that moment like a bolt through my body that I realised that this woman was the same woman who I was on a bus with years ago when I coming back from the last date I had with my ex.
My ex and I were on the bus together and he had to get off. After he did this woman asked me "is that your husband?" I said "no" and she said that she thought he was because of the way were together.
I had tears as I reached my house because I was shocked with the all the above.
I know that it's more than a coincidence that I met that woman again but I don't know what it means.
I always remembered what she said that first time and what she said yesterday was so poignant as well I'll never forget it either.
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LovelyRo
Well-Known Member
@KammyGirl yikes! That is expensive! I wish he took insurance... he seems really good. I might get his book.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
LovelyRo
Well-Known Member
That’s great... especially since it was the first session!
I was very nervous but it was good to be honest and just say what I wanted. And I didn't feel bad about cursing when I got angry. At first I did and he was like "come on! I practice in NYC, I can take it" lol
intellectualuva
Well-Known Member
I'm in the NY area for two weeks, wish I had known about him earlier. He may be worth a trip back here as my BFF does live here.
michelle81
Well-Known Member
I'm guessing you did the in-person session in NYC? And it was $350 for the hour right?
I'm thinking I'll see if he can do a Skype session with a male family member of mine. He and his GF broke up a couple months ago and he still can't seem to get over it and see any future without her in it. He's not suicidal but definitely depressed. I think I'd rather spend the money for a session or two with Guy than to go out and try to find someone locally that knows what he/she is doing and this family member can connect with.
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