Thread for the heartbroken

@MzLady78 I think the other issue is that the way the last guy treated you (and likely other guys in the past) was abusive. You are not just healing from a broken heart, but also abuse. When someone strings you along, lies to you, manipulates you, betrays you, they are being abusive. It’s a form of intimate partner violence. That is why you feel so bad. Our society wants the broken hearted to feel like how some people behave is normal bad guy or bad girl behavior, like it’s just part of dating, but it’s deeper than that. It’s abusive and unkind. It’s cruel. He and likely other guys, were being emotionally and psychologically abusive. It’s very complicated because it’s linked to childhood abuse too, and why you need help to heal. You are essentially in recovery from a traumatic experience.
 
@MzLady78

My therapist wanted me to take an antidepressant as well. I decided to see someone who specializes in natural healing first. She suggested 5-Htp, GABA, and magnesium. I also made sure that I exercised at least 5 times a week for about 30 minutes. I no longer take the supplements but I can really tell that exercise has a positive effect on my emotions.
 
Co-signing @ArrrBeee on the exercise bit. You can start off with an early morning walk or jog-- it will immediately lift your mood for the day. Since I know it gets cold there in winter, you could replace the walk with a 15-30 light cardio workout. There are a ton on Youtube. I'd follow that up with a healthy green smoothie for energy and you'll feel like a million bucks and ready to take on the day!
 
I spent Thanksgiving with my immediate family, then went and spent that night and Friday night over at my cousin’s. That was fun, but of course, I came back home Saturday and have been just kind of wallowing since then. So yeah, I definitely need to try one of the supplements that was suggested, will go buy some tomorrow.

I blocked my ex- bf. No heads up, no discussion, and I know he’s tried to reach me a few times since. The worse I get emotionally, the more I resent him for the things he’s done. I don’t know when/if I’ll ever truly forgive him. And him trying to help me move on from dude while still messing with that ***** comes off so....disingenuous to me. There’s a quote that says “you can’t heal in the environment where you got sick” or something along those lines. Well, he has greatly contributed to my illness and I can’t try to heal our friendship and myself at the same time. I don’t even know that there’s a friendship left to save at this point.
 
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So, I’m feeling very different than I did the last time I posted. I’m not thinking as much about things, and am overall feeling a bit lighter.

I’ve been playing sleep hypnosis videos on YouTube as I fall asleep, sometimes ones specifically for broken hearts, sometimes ones for depression/anxiety. I wasn’t expecting much, figured I’d give it shot and I think they might be helping.

Also, I’m seeing how short life is, and how we really need to make the most of whatever time we have. My coworker, who I consider a good friend as well, lost her dad last Monday. He was only 60. He had a lot of health issues, but apparently got really bad Thanksgiving weekend. The family went from making hospice arrangements to making funeral arrangements in a matter of hours. I went to the wake, and it was heartbreaking, especially after talking to her 6 year old son and hearing him say how much he missed him.

If I counted up the amount of time I’ve spent crying or being down over some raggedy arse negro (who I had no business with in the first place), it would add up to YEARS for sure. Even not totally having my s*** together, I was still too good for most of these fools. I’m tired of the pain, tired of the drama, just tired of it all. I do not want to spend whatever time I have left on this earth being miserable. I don’t want to be an old woman wishing I’d enjoyed my life more. I deserve to be happy.
 
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Ok, I don't know if it's because I need to give her her co-pay (which I just found out about at our last session), but my therapist basically decided I'm ok and don't need to see her anymore right now. I don't remotely believe that I don't need to keep with the therapy, but I was having my doubts about her and this pretty much solved that problem. 2 weeks ago, you wanted me to start taking meds, now I don't even need to come any more? Yeah, ok. You'll get your money, but you won't get any more business from me.
 
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@MzLady78
Do not give up. Let this person go. Maybe 3 times is the charm? You need and you deserve good support. When you find the right therapist they will see you through this to the end, until you are healed and feel whole. That person is out there. I remember you found a guy once who you didn’t agree with at the time. I wonder if he would be helpful to you now? You fight for yourself, your healing, and your happiness. Also consider finding someone in another city who you could Skype with. Therapy doesn’t have to be in person. Being open to Skype opens up your options. Your therapist might be in California or Texas. Who knows?
 
hopeful said:
@MzLady78
Do not give up. Let this person go. Maybe 3 times is the charm? You need and you deserve good support. When you find the right therapist they will see you through this to the end, until you are healed and feel whole. That person is out there. I remember you found a guy once who you didn’t agree with at the time. I wonder if he would be helpful to you now? You fight for yourself, your healing, and your happiness. Also consider finding someone in another city who you could Skype with. Therapy doesn’t have to be in person. Being open to Skype opens up your options. Your therapist might be in California or Texas. Who knows?
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Oh, I'm not giving up, I'm going to keep looking. I'm definitely open to alternative means such as Skype. :yep:

Nah, I don't think he was good for me either, too extreme and judgmental, IMO. Some religion-based support like books, etc, can be helpful, but I don't think it's right for me as far as actual therapy.
 
MzLady78 said:
Oh, I'm not giving up, I'm going to keep looking. I'm definitely open to alternative means such as Skype. :yep:

Nah, I don't think he was good for me either. Some religion-based support like books, etc, can be helpful, but I don't think it's right for me as far as actual therapy.
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Ok I didn’t realize he was religious. That wouldn’t work for me either. So yes, open up your options. My current therapist I first met in person, but after that it’s been all phone and extra support via email too and it has worked out really well for me. She has since moved to another state and it doesn’t matter. She has clients all over the world and they mostly Skype. You gotta find your person.
 
ArrrBeee said:
@MzLady78

It sounds like you are in a much better place and I'm happy for you. Your last therapist wasn't a good fit for you. Stay encouraged, you will find the right one.
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Thank you.

It feels good to not be as consumed by what happened anymore. It will always be his loss, and not even just from a romantic standpoint. He had someone in his life that truly loved him and wanted the best for him. That chick does not, but he's getting exactly what he deserves with her.
 
I'm at the place we met, the place I'm most likely to run into him, for the first time in over a year, praying he doesn't show up. I stopped hanging out here a few years ago when things first started falling apart between us. It's hard being here in general, it's where I fell in love with him. A lot of memories.

TBH, I kinda miss it. I'll be so happy when I'm over him and don't care if I run into him or not. It's pretty much the only Black spot in Boston and it's on my side of town now.
 
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MzLady78 said:
I'm at the place we met, the place I'm most likely to run into him, for the first time in over a year, praying he doesn't show up. I stopped hanging out here a few years ago when things first started falling apart between us. It's hard being here in general, it's where I fell in love with him. A lot of memories.

TBH, I kinda miss it. I'll be so happy when I'm over him and don't care if I run into him or not. It's pretty much the only Black spot in Boston and it's on my side of town now.
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If it's a place you enjoy then you'll make new memories there and associate it with something else eventually. I remember when my ex fiance and I broke up and I moved back to New York and everyone was inviting me out I was like I can't go anyplace in this city without thinking of him. We lived here before we moved away and every place had a special memory, a moment or something that felt significant and specific to him. Until it didn't. Until I started going to those places with friends, on dates or even alone. Those memories were soon replaced with new ones and it got much much easier to go to those places. It will for you too. And then when/if you run into him it won't matter at all. Mine actually did come into one of our "special places" with another woman while I was there years later. I looked up and there he was coming toward the table. When he saw me it was so funny. Our eyes met and he immediately did a u-turn right out the restaurant with the girl running behind him asking what's wrong. I was on a date and just smiled and finished my drink.

You're moving in the right direction by even being able to go to this place. You're doing great. Proud of you!:bighug:
 
KammyGirl said:
If it's a place you enjoy then you'll make new memories there and associate it with something else eventually. I remember when my ex fiance and I broke up and I moved back to New York and everyone was inviting me out I was like I can't go anyplace in this city without thinking of him. We lived here before we moved away and every place had a special memory, a moment or something that felt significant and specific to him. Until it didn't. Until I started going to those places with friends, on dates or even alone. Those memories were soon replaced with new ones and it got much much easier to go to those places. It will for you too. And then when/if you run into him it won't matter at all. Mine actually did come into one of our "special places" with another woman while I was there years later. I looked up and there he was coming toward the table. When he saw me it was so funny. Our eyes met and he immediately did a u-turn right out the restaurant with the girl running behind him asking what's wrong. I was on a date and just smiled and finished my drink.

You're moving in the right direction by even being able to go to this place. You're doing great. Proud of you!:bighug:
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Thanks. I got through it, but now I’m home and feeling some way. I’m sure the fact that it’s almost exactly a year since I last saw him isn’t helping either. But I know it’ll pass, it’s just the alcohol and nostalgia. I’m sure I’ll be ok tomorrow.
 
I dreamt about the situation last night. In it, he "chose" me this time. You can guess how it felt when I woke up and I realized it was dream.

There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him in some capacity, I vacilate between hating him and missing him. I haven't cried in months, but IDK. It's been about 5 months, he shouldn't still be on my mind like this. Especially knowing he probably doesn't think of me at all. It hurts to know that you could be so easily forgotten by someone you thought you meant something to. That you weren't as special to them as they made you feel once upon a time.

Oh well. Whatever.

This is gonna sound somewhat vain, and I've been on here long enough for you guys to know that I'm not, but sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror and I'm like "I don't get it". I think about who and how am I as a person and again, I don't get it. I know this chick, and I'm confident in saying that she was a downgrade on multiple levels. He's far from the first ninja to throw away a diamond for glitter, but man, is it infuriating. But I know that downgrade or upgrade, at the end of the day, he wasn't good for me.
 
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MzLady78 said:
I dreamt about the situation last night. In it, he "chose" me this time. You can guess how it felt when I woke up and I realized it was dream.

There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him in some capacity, I vacilate between hating him and missing him. I haven't cried in months, but IDK. It's been about 5 months, he shouldn't still be on my mind like this. Especially knowing he probably doesn't think of me at all. It hurts to know that you could be so easily forgotten by someone you thought you meant something to. That you weren't as special to them as they made you feel once upon a time.

Oh well. Whatever.

This is gonna sound somewhat vain, and I've been on here long enough for you guys to know that I'm not, but sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror and I'm like "I don't get it". I think about who and how am I as a person and again, I don't get it. I know this chick, and I'm confident in saying that she was a downgrade on multiple levels. He's far from the first ninja to throw away a diamond for glitter, but man, is it infuriating. But I know that downgrade or upgrade, at the end of the day, he wasn't good for me.
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:bighug: You haven't cried in months!?!? That's progress! That's huge! You're getting closer to the big picture.

As for upgrade vs. downgrade, you can't really think in terms of tangibles, especially when dealing with damaged people. Damaged individuals are drawn to drama. A life of softness and unconditional love with you doesn't give this man the toxic excitement he thrives on. Her low standards and lack of boundaries are easier for him. Sometimes these people can play the game for a while, and to us they'll seem normal, but soon they get anxious and fall back into the cycle of dysfunction that feels normal to them. Pain and drama are highly seductive-- just take a look at what entertains us. This man doesn't want to be loved and held in comfort and security. He needs chaos. When he came into your life, made you fall for him, and then kicked around your emotions-- he was playing out a story he's observed many times in his own life. Happily ever after doesn't exist to him. Love that is 2-way is alien to him. You are too pure to give that to him. You need someone on a higher vibration.
 
SurferBabe said:
:bighug: You haven't cried in months!?!? That's progress! That's huge! You're getting closer to the big picture.

As for upgrade vs. downgrade, you can't really think in terms of tangibles, especially when dealing with damaged people. Damaged individuals are drawn to drama. A life of softness and unconditional love with you doesn't give this man the toxic excitement he thrives on. Her low standards and lack of boundaries are easier for him. Sometimes these people can play the game for a while, and to us they'll seem normal, but soon they get anxious and fall back into the cycle of dysfunction that feels normal to them. Pain and drama are highly seductive-- just take a look at what entertains us. This man doesn't want to be loved and held in comfort and security. He needs chaos. When he came into your life, made you fall for him, and then kicked around your emotions-- he was playing out a story he's observed many times in his own life. Happily ever after doesn't exist to him. Love that is 2-way is alien to him. You are too pure to give that to him. You need someone on a higher vibration.
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@SurferBabe, your post are always so thoughtful and insightful, I really appreciate them.

My therapist said something similar re: needing the drama/chaos. In fact, she said all 3 of them do (him, her and my ex). I think sometimes it’s still hard to truly believe that his actions aren’t about me (even though he himself said there was nothing wrong with me, it was just over). I think it would easier to believe if I didn’t know what he opted for instead of me.

Just gotta keep pressing on, I guess.
 
No tears in months? Oh yeah you are healing!!

giphy.gif


So happy for ya!
 
hopeful said:
Yep :yep:! Waiting for the day that @MzLady78 says she bumped into him and felt nothing and wondered “What in the entire hell did I see in this fool?” That day is coming.
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I hope you’re right.

TBH, and maybe it’s just because I’m not over him yet, but sometimes I feel like I’m always gonna wish things had been different between us, especially if I don’t find someone else. Like I could run into him 5 years from now and still have that feeling I had when I saw him last January for first time in awhile.

*sigh* I know this heartbreak had to happen for a number of reasons, but it’s really, really hard. Worse than all other ones combined.
 
MzLady78 said:
I hope you’re right.

TBH, and maybe it’s just because I’m not over him yet, but sometimes I feel like I’m always gonna wish things had been different between us, especially if I don’t find someone else. Like I could run into him 5 years from now and still have that feeling I had when I saw him last January for first time in awhile.

*sigh* I know this heartbreak had to happen for a number of reasons, but it’s really, really hard. Worse than all other ones combined.
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You'll get through this. I really think you are closer than you realize.

I don't think it is really about him anymore either. It is possible that you're projecting onto him abandonment issues from your past. All attempts to forget about him will be in vain until you dig deeper and identify the root cause. His presence can't help you overcome that.

While trying to get over Dan I learned so much about myself. I finally came to terms with my childhood wounds. I realized that there was an emptiness and longing inside of me that caused me to pine away for men who didn't want me. I was addicted to unrequited love, and I fell hard for men who would chase me and then go cold. I needed the pain and drama that came with trying to make an emotionally unavailable (and manipulative) man love me. With your guy, the partnership only existed when things were on his terms. As soon as you expressed your needs and desires, he was no longer interested. That isn't a relationship and that isn't love. That is a dysfunctional, codependent partnership in which only one person is attached and overly invested and the other person feeds off of the constant validation.

Once you heal those wounds and start to observe what a healthy partnership looks like, it will be like waking up from a dream. Sometimes I look back on the old me and I don't recognize myself. I was always sad, striving, and longing. It isn't healthy to want someone who doesn't want you. It doesn't come from a place of self-acceptance and fullness. And it makes it impossible for you to truly love someone else unconditionally because you've made them responsible for your own happiness. Your happiness is your job. You placed him on a pedestal he didn't ask to be on. In needing his presence to make you feel whole, you've made it his job to help you overcome your childhood traumas. That's too much for anyone-- especially a regular degular guy with his own issues. Many of these damaged guys have their own traumas to overcome before they know how to love. See how this was destined to go wrong from the beginning? If those wounds were no longer there, and you felt happy and full on your own, would you have fallen for this guy and embraced the messiness and drama that surrounds his life?

Continue to do the inner work. That's the only way to heal. And of course you'll get over him and meet someone else! Keep moving forward and focus on the causes and not just the effects. This experience was meant to bring you awareness. I see it happening already. Soon you'll realize that he's only made you a better woman for the right man.
 
SurferBabe said:
I realized that there was an emptiness and longing inside of me that caused me to pine away for men who didn't want me. I was addicted to unrequited love, and I fell hard for men who would chase me and then go cold. I needed the pain and drama that came with trying to make an emotionally unavailable (and manipulative) man love me.
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Wow. Just...wow.

This whole post was deep, but this really stuck out to me. I actually teared up reading it because it definitely describes a good amount of my relationships.

I really have to find a new therapist. I leave for my birthday trip soon, hopefully the time away (and not by myself for once) does me some good. But when I return, I have to get back to this work for real. I think I kind of fell off because I got overwhelmed with trying to address too many issues at once.
 
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LovelyRo said:
@SurferBabe that was a deep post and it hit home for me too. I recently told my therapist that I fall for guys that act like the want me and but really don’t. I know exactly where it stems from too. I told/asked her then what? How do I heal that part of me?
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I agree. One of the deepest and most beautiful I’ve read on here. It takes time to heal. One thing my therapist said to do is to practice Extreme Self Care ongoingly. We have to teach our subconscious that we are lovable and deserving of real and true love. We choose unavailable people because we are unavailable to ourselves. It starts with us, forgiving ourselves for every wrong turn as best we can. We have to be patient, gentle, firm, and kind because we are breaking a habit of being unloving to ourselves. Healing is possible.
 
hopeful said:
We choose unavailable people because we are unavailable to ourselves. It starts with us,
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I think this is a BIG reason why I haven't dated in almost a year and haven't had the drive to date. I'm still trying to make myself "whole" again before I go back out there. I kept making the same mistake for years chasing after unavailable men. Luckily I finally understood the missing link between myself and the men I would choose.... And it was really my father. I didn't think I had daddy issues because I grew up with my father/mother being married. I didn't understand how a father who was there for me, would translate into "daddy issues". What I didn't realize until now in my 30s is that parents have to be there both physically and emotionally. I didn't have that growing up. My dad was there physically, but emotionally he was NOT. He was an emotional abuser. If I did get emotional support from him it would be hot/cold...hot/cold.:( This is the reason why I felt very comfortable with men who gave me hot/cold...hot/cold type of unavailable relationships. I was waiting for these men to make me feel emotionally secure....just like I was waiting for my father to make me feel emotionally secure. I was a grown woman dating grown men...while still feeling like that 8 year old girl who was waiting for her dad to pat her on the back when she did good...or gave her a hug because she felt sad. :cry3:The more a man treated me like I wasn't a prize...the more I held on. My dad didn't treat me like that...so to me it's normal not to feel like a prize. But when you're not "whole" you won't be able to recognize that kind of stuff. You're just out here dating blindly.

Now that I know the core issue to my dating pattern, it really has been a freeing experience. I'm not 100% ready to go back out there but only because I don't want to fall in my own trap again. When you've been in a pattern for so long, it takes awhile to re-train your brain as to what a healthy relationship is...or should be. I'm constantly fighting with my urges to connect with guys who aren't paying me any mind. I'm still learning how to be comfortable with men who actually want to meet my emotional needs without the hot/cold dynamic. I'm getting there but it will take time
 
@Dposh167
(((Hugs))) Thank you for sharing that. It all makes perfect sense doesn’t it? I love that you can now see yourself being drawn to someone who is emotionally unavailable and can stop yourself. I wish you all the best and all of the true love that you deserve. I am so sad that your father treated you that way. You deserved so much more. Be strong, keep healing, and keep moving forward.
 
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