Thread for the heartbroken

hopeful said:
@MzLady78
This therapist may or may not be the best one to get you to where you need or want to go. I’d take her suggestion about focusing on other things AND tell her that I still need more help on the areas you mentioned. If after a few more sessions you aren’t feeling some progress and healing you might consider finding another therapist. She may not be the right fit for the long haul. Or she may be. Only you will know this.

But you must be determined to heal and to get help from a therapist that gets you. You cannot do this alone. You just can’t. This lady seems to have been helpful though. She just may or may not be the best fit for the long haul. Stay positive and stay determined. Keep moving forward. Keep getting help. You are at a critical juncture in your life. You have the chance to turn things around for yourself.

If I were you I’d question her more on her process. Why she thinks you are no longer in crisis? How will she help you have a healthy relationship? She may believe you need to cut out romantic relationships, period, for awhile so that you can heal and focus on you and your other dreams that have nothing to do with men. Who knows? You have to ask. And be patient. Especially with yourself. You are doing good and making good progress. But healing takes a lot of time. Not weeks or even a few months. It takes time to heal and live a happy, healthy life.

In the meantime, there is so much more to life than men and romance. Healing is more important. You and your dreams are more important. You know how alcoholics have to abstain from drinking alcohol? Well people who end up in unhappy and/or abusive relationships over and over again often have to abstain from them for awhile before they can enter a healthy one.

Please be patient with yourself.
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Yeah, I'm gonna have a list of questions for her the next time we meet. I’ll give her a couple more sessions and see how I feel.

But yes, I agree not continuing with someone is not an option.
 
@MzLady78

I agree with everything that @hopeful posted above.

Don't think in terms of wasted time. It's not productive and you'll just get stuck on something that you can't change. The issues that you struggle with took time to take root. If you've ever tried to pull up a dandelion, you would know that it has what's called a tap root.

These long skinny roots have to be worked out slowly. If you pull them out too fast, they break off and the weed keeps growing. Same with our rooted issues. It's going to take time to work them out. You owe it to yourself to do the work. You are worth it and you are worthy.
 
ArrrBeee said:
@MzLady78

I agree with everything that @hopeful posted above.

Don't think in terms of wasted time. It's not productive and you'll just get stuck on something that you can't change. The issues that you struggle with took time to take root. If you've ever tried to pull up a dandelion, you would know that it has what's called a tap root.

These long skinny roots have to be worked out slowly. If you pull them out too fast, they break off and the weed keeps growing. Same with our rooted issues. It's going to take time to work them out. You owe it to yourself to do the work. You are worth it and you are worthy.
Click to expand...


Thanks for this.

Last night was a bit rough. But whenever I have a bad day, the next day I find myself more determined to move forward and do better.

I got my 2nd A- in my grad program today. I'm trying to further my career, starting to get serious about trying to buy a house someday. I'm flawed and have my issues but I know that I have a lot to offer someone who actually wants it. I wish it could have been him, but God/the universe/whatever you wanna call it said "nah". And maybe it was for the best.
 
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hopeful said:
It was definitely for the best. You will look back one day and thank your lucky stars that he is out of your life.
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You sure will! You can measure the temperature of a relationship by asking these questions: Do they inspire you to be the best version of yourself in all areas of your life? Or do they make you feel anxious, unsure, wanting more, etc. If it's the latter, run and don't look back.
 
ArrrBeee said:
You sure will! You can measure the temperature of a relationship by asking these questions: Do they inspire you to be the best version of yourself in all areas of your life? Or do they make you feel anxious, unsure, wanting more, etc. If it's the latter, run and don't look back.
Click to expand...

I love how you break things down. Some of us have been taught to work for and suffer for crumbs of what we think is love. We have to break the habit and retrain ourselves to think and behave differently. True love does not make us feel anxious, unsure, or always wanting more. It is the opposite.

And yes lovely re measuring the temperature of a relationship:yep:. Unhealthy relationships are very volatile. They are constantly running hot and then cold. Hot when they want to be bothered with you, have time for you, cold when they are busy with other people, things, activities. As time passes it gets more and more cold and we become desperate for those hot, or even lukewarm times. It’s a cruel way to be treated or accept to be treated. We are being manipulated and trained to be treated badly. Love is never even part of the equation.

Also the post where you described the roots of our issues being like the skinny roots of a dandelion was magnificent.
 
hopeful said:
I love how you break things down. Some of us have been taught to work for and suffer for crumbs of what we think is love. We have to break the habit and retrain ourselves to think and behave differently. True love does not make us feel anxious, unsure, or always wanting more. It is the opposite.

And yes lovely re measuring the temperature of a relationship:yep:. Unhealthy relationships are very volatile. They are constantly running hot and then cold. Hot when they want to be bothered with you, have time for you, cold when they are busy with other people, things, activities. As time passes it gets more and more cold and we become desperate for those hot, or even lukewarm times. It’s a cruel way to be treated or accept to be treated. We are being manipulated and trained to be treated badly. Love is never even part of the equation.

Also the post where you described the roots of our issues being like the skinny roots of a dandelion was magnificent.
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Aww thanks. I love how you expounded on this and all the knowledge you share. We are playing to win.
 
I’m not really big on astrology, but I’ve been struggling to figure out my next move, literally, and this really spoke to me.

you are enough, dear aquarius. even though the world may be deeply imperfect, even though it may feel as though your work has no impact, even if the weight of being alive at this moment in time is sometimes too great to bear—you are enough. and you deserve a work life that allows you to be well and whole and that has room for your psyche. you deserve a home life that allows you to feel at ease so you can recover and return to the work you are doing in the world.

perhaps more importantly, you deserve to unlearn the patterns, habits, and behaviors that have far too much control in your life. you deserve to reclaim your family line and understand where you come from so you can be more honest about who you are and the place you occupy in the world. you deserve to be a good home for yourself.

you may find that there are those who do not value you as they should. those who you try and try to work on behalf of and who still shun you. what are they trying to teach you? for they may be your greatest teachers. while the urge to rage outward is difficult to resist, i say to you, heart heavy with affection, that the amount of rage and indignation you may feel is likely in direct proportion to the wounds you have not yet grappled with.

this is not a week for the mind, dear one. in fact you may find yourself frustrated if you attempt to use logic, theory, and words to gain the truths you need. the solace you seek is within song, it is within the quietness you are able to create for yourself, and it lives in your body. care for yourself deeply, for no matter who in this universe chooses to deny you, you need never deny yourself the love you need and seek.
 
I unexpectedly saw my ex this week and the experience spooked me.

It was at a train station and he was on the opposite platform.

I was standing on the platform eating my lunch leftovers and for some reason I just looked straight up and saw him standing on the opposite platform right in front of me. At first I wasn't sure but once it clicked, I saw him smirk at me. It was obvious he had seen me before I saw him and I was just so shocked. And then the train came on his platform and blocked the view and my train came and I got on.

What really got me though was the smirk. The fact that he had seen me first while I was eating and minding my business not realising that he had seen me really upset me.

A smirk is never nice.

I don't even know why he would be at that station at that time and exactly opposite me at my usual spot.

We haven't seen each other in years and I thought I never would but now I'm angry and upset because I'm worried I might bump into him again. I didn't stand in my usual spot yesterday but today I forced myself to.

Seeing him capped off a very bad day almost convincing me that God hates me.
 
RUBY said:
I unexpectedly saw my ex this week and the experience spooked me.

It was at a train station and he was on the opposite platform.

I was standing on the platform eating my lunch leftovers and for some reason I just looked straight up and saw him standing on the opposite platform right in front of me. At first I wasn't sure but once it clicked, I saw him smirk at me. It was obvious he had seen me before I saw him and I was just so shocked. And then the train came on his platform and blocked the view and my train came and I got on.

What really got me though was the smirk. The fact that he had seen me first while I was eating and minding my business not realising that he had seen me really upset me.

A smirk is never nice.

I don't even know why he would be at that station at that time and exactly opposite me at my usual spot.

We haven't seen each other in years and I thought I never would but now I'm angry and upset because I'm worried I might bump into him again. I didn't stand in my usual spot yesterday but today I forced myself to.

Seeing him capped off a very bad day almost convincing me that God hates me.
Click to expand...
Not sure if you posted details earlier in this thread but why do you think seeing him after all these years had such a negative effect on you?
 
MzLady78 said:
I've been up since 5:00, thinking and crying.

I don't know what to do anymore. I give up. This pain is just never gonna end.
Click to expand...

I'm sorry that you are hurting. The pain will end. It's going to take time. Don't give up.
hopeful said:
@MzLady78
This therapist may or may not be the best one to get you to where you need or want to go. I’d take her suggestion about focusing on other things AND tell her that I still need more help on the areas you mentioned. If after a few more sessions you aren’t feeling some progress and healing you might consider finding another therapist. She may not be the right fit for the long haul. Or she may be. Only you will know this.

But you must be determined to heal and to get help from a therapist that gets you. You cannot do this alone. You just can’t. This lady seems to have been helpful though. She just may or may not be the best fit for the long haul. Stay positive and stay determined. Keep moving forward. Keep getting help. You are at a critical juncture in your life. You have the chance to turn things around for yourself.

If I were you I’d question her more on her process. Why she thinks you are no longer in crisis? How will she help you have a healthy relationship? She may believe you need to cut out romantic relationships, period, for awhile so that you can heal and focus on you and your other dreams that have nothing to do with men. Who knows? You have to ask. And be patient. Especially with yourself. You are doing good and making good progress. But healing takes a lot of time. Not weeks or even a few months. It takes time to heal and live a happy, healthy life.

In the meantime, there is so much more to life than men and romance. Healing is more important. You and your dreams are more important. You know how alcoholics have to abstain from drinking alcohol? Well people who end up in unhappy and/or abusive relationships over and over again often have to abstain from them for awhile before they can enter a healthy one.

Please be patient with yourself.
Click to expand...
Requoting @hopeful
Especially the bolded. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk.

:bighug:
 
MzLady78 said:
I've been up since 5:00, thinking and crying.

I don't know what to do anymore. I give up. This pain is just never gonna end.
Click to expand...

It gets worse before it gets better. But it does get better. Hopefully you are still in therapy. A good therapist will walk through this with you step by step. You cannot do this alone. You just can’t. When you hit especially hard times you will be able to email her or schedule a last minute quick emergency session. And crying is good :). Tears are emotions tearned liquid. Tears are healing. You are releasing the pain. Good for you.

A few things to remember:

•When you first break up for good it feels like being on an emotional roller coaster. It takes awhile for you to calm down.

•Progress isn’t a straight line. You move forward a few steps and then you will have a dip, feel down or scared, it’s just part of the process. But then you will make more progress. But with hard work and a good therapist you don’t go back to the old you or where you were at the beginning. Bit by bit you make progress and things continue to get better.

•You must do your best to practice extreme self care on a daily basis. You must try to stay focused on you and your healing. Meditate. Take a warm bath. Do something fun. Talk to yourself. Be sweet and kind to you.

•You must do your best to keep moving forward. Your car goes where your eyes go. Read read read. One good book in addition to the other ones mentioned in past posts is The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein. Listen to good music with positive messaging. Watch movies with positive messaging like Stronger with Jake Gyllenhaal. Forward, forward, forward.

•Keep reminding yourself that your mind is like a scared, spoiled child. You must learn to discipline it, by being kind, loving, and firm. You cannot over indulge it and let it take over. You, the grown up you, your higher self, is in charge. Your mind is afraid, dwells in the past, does not understand how bright your future looks or that things can get much better than they have been. Be firm and loving but remember you are in charge.

•You are on your hero’s journey. It is not for the faint of heart. But you can do this. You are stronger than you know.

•Healing takes time and hard work. You will have to be patient with yourself and the process.
 
MzLady78 said:
I've been up since 5:00, thinking and crying.

I don't know what to do anymore. I give up. This pain is just never gonna end.
Click to expand...
:bighug:
I know it is hard. I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better but sometimes the grief takes over and there is nothing that can make it stop except time. I cried all through the second half of last year and most of this year so I understand. I promise you that in time the pain will go away. One day you won't feel this anymore. Give it time.

I listened to a lot of Abraham Hicks, Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle, Ram Dass, Sadhguru, and Anthony De Mello (on Youtube) to help put my mind at ease, and I still do. I'd fall asleep to them. They didn't solve anything on their own... I still had to deal with a lot of sadness by myself, but they kept me off of the ledge many times. I'd also listen to heartbreak/loss meditations online and they'd help me at least get a decent night's rest. If you feel like the pain is too much to bear, and you are afraid that it is taking you into a dark place, it might be worth it to reach out to a church or any other type of religious/spiritual organization. Sometimes we need spiritual nourishment. I think along with therapy this will help give you some insight on a higher level.

I have 100% faith that you'll get through this and I can't wait for the day that you come on here and tell us that you're free of this toxic soul tie that is weighing on your spirit. Your day of liberation is coming. Just be patient. We're here for you!
 
MzLady78 said:
My therapist wants to me consider a mild anti-depressant. I don't know how comfortable I am with that, but I know need to get out of this funk I'm in somehow.
Click to expand...

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I once took a mild antidepressant after I had a miscarriage. I was only on them for six months max. They helped me get out of my funk. Well worth it for me. But you have to do what is best for you. Go easy on yourself. Whatever you decide, remember to take good care of you. Make yourself and your healing your number one priority.
 
MzLady78 said:
My therapist wants to me consider a mild anti-depressant. I don't know how comfortable I am with that, but I know need to get out of this funk I'm in somehow.
Click to expand...
I've been on antidepressants before. One thing I will say about my experience with them is that not all antidepressants are the same, and the one your doctor thinks is best for you may not be the one that you feel the best on. I was on one, then switched doctors (I moved) who fought me tooth and nail about the first medicine not being the right one, and put me on a different one which did nothing for me. My point is that they can be a great jumpstart towards getting rid of the blues, but it may require some tweaking to get there.
 
hopeful said:
Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I once took a mild antidepressant after I had a miscarriage. I was only on them for six months max. They helped me get out of my funk. Well worth it for me. But you have to do what is best for you. Go easy on yourself. Whatever you decide, remember to take good care of you. Make yourself and your healing your number one priority.
Click to expand...

I think part of me doesn't want to believe that it's gotten this bad. Why you took them makes sense, I totally get that. My situation? I don't know...
 
MzLady78 said:
I think part of me doesn't want to believe that it's gotten this bad. Why you took them makes sense, I totally get that. My situation? I don't know...
Click to expand...

It doesn’t really matter re the why. What matters is how you feel and how you are coping. That’s why I keep saying go easy on yourself. Be gentle and kind to yourself. You are having a hard time and it is ok. You may feel like how you are responding is silly or that you should be able to get over it. That is the critical, harsh, judgemental part of you. You will need to call on your higher self, your true self, to guide you. Your higher self feels deep compassion for you and wants you to take good care of yourself and not compare yourself to anyone else on this earth.

The only person that matters is you, sweet, kind, lovable you who needs and deserves help to heal. Medication or not, you need and deserve help and support to heal. And if it makes you feel better, tell yourself that this healing is not just about him, but also the other hims, including your father. Remind yourself that you are healing from a lifetime of hurt. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You deserve your unconditional love.
 
@MzLady78

Do what feels best for you. Make sure you do your research and ask lots of questions. After years of trying just about every mood disorder medication on the market I gave them up years ago and opted for natural remedies. But it was a long, hard road and I will say that during my darkest periods antidepressants helped keep me off the ledge. If it is the kickstart you need I'd go for it. You have to take care of YOU without shame or judgement.

If you're not ready to take the plunge straight into the prescription stuff, there are some natural alternatives on the market. A search for "natural antidepressants" will return some options. 5-HTP helped me with the breakup that prompted me to start this thread. Daily morning walks and diet change were major contributors to improving my mood. More recently meditation, eastern philosophy, hiking, and return to nature have helped as well. I abstained from alcohol while trying to get over my last breakup and it helped tremendously. It also might be worth it to look into group therapy. I'm always amazed by how many resources are out there to help people heal after heartbreak. You're not alone. Plenty have your same story and they heal, move on, and find love. It's great to know that one day you'll be free of the pain. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.
 
SurferBabe said:
If you're not ready to take the plunge straight into the prescription stuff, there are some natural alternatives on the market. A search for "natural antidepressants" will return some options. 5-HTP helped me with the breakup that prompted me to start this thread. Daily morning walks and diet change were major contributors to improving my mood. More recently meditation, eastern philosophy, hiking, and return to nature have helped as well.
Click to expand...
St. John's wort has been documented to help with depression as well.
 
hopeful said:
It doesn’t really matter re the why. What matters is how you feel and how you are coping. That’s why I keep saying go easy on yourself. Be gentle and kind to yourself. You are having a hard time and it is ok. You may feel like how you are responding is silly or that you should be able to get over it. That is the critical, harsh, judgemental part of you. You will need to call on your higher self, your true self, to guide you. Your higher self feels deep compassion for you and wants you to take good care of yourself and not compare yourself to anyone else on this earth.

The only person that matters is you, sweet, kind, lovable you who needs and deserves help to heal. Medication or not, you need and deserve help and support to heal. And if it makes you feel better, tell yourself that this healing is not just about him, but also the other hims, including your father. Remind yourself that you are healing from a lifetime of hurt. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You deserve your unconditional love.
Click to expand...

@ the first bolded, I do feel like this, and often. But I definitely need to remember the 2nd bolded.

@Fine 4s, yeah, the amount of time I spend thinking about everything that happened concerns me greatly. Unless I’m 100% distracted by something else, that’s where my mind is.

@SurferBabe and @sarumoki, I think I’m going to look into the St. John’s Wart, thanks for the suggestion.

It’s not an issue of being ashamed, I’ve had plenty of other people suggest meds as well. It’s more my fear of becoming dependent on them.
 
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