Is He Stingy Or Broke?

GoGoChik said:
I dated a cheap/broke man last year. It took me a few months to breakup with him because he was actually a nice guy and made the effort. He took me out every week. He just used coupons or Groupons to pay for our meals :look:. He took a pay cut for a job and had been struggling financially. I was earning at least 2 times his salary. And, I had lost sexual interest in him. It felt like I was dating a good guy friend. He would get a little too excited when I offered to pay for dinner.

So, OP, start dating other men.. ASAP. As the author of Men Don’t Love Women Like You says, only date providers... http://blackgirlsareeasy.com/2018/03/being-high-maintenance.html

Now, I’m dating a provider and it just feels differently. I WANT to sleep with him and have his babies. Lol I feel safe and taken care of.
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I'm not too sure I care that much about the bold part. I'm not gonna begrudge someone using a coupon BUT if he argues over the expiration date and what it covers the we might have a problem lol But yeah getting excited at me offering to pay? He'd never even get the chance.
 
mrselle said:
It really doesn't matter if he's cheap or broke. What matters is that he seems thoughtless and inconsiderate. It cost nothing to be thoughtful and considerate. Instead of dropping you off at the front so that you don't have to walk 20 minutes in the cold is inconsiderate. Handing you an empty bottle of lotion is inconsiderate. He knew the bottle was empty. What has he been using on his skin? Why not let you use that? He could have bought you a decent bouquet of flowers and written you a romantic note for $8. Instead he wasted $8 knowing that the quality would probably not be to your liking. You've been together almost a year and he won't discuss finances. He doesn't have to go in to detail, but he could offer a little insight since his lack of finances is impacting your relationship. He moved home a year and a half ago. Does he have plans to move out or is he there indefinitely? After 10 months you deserve more and if he is like this without money, having money is not going to change that.
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I think you saw all the red flags and pointed them out OP. And I agree with the quoted as well. Add to that when you buy Groupons, he makes you pay on these excursions as if to blame you for having the nerve to chose them, and expects women to do their part (sizing up payment stuff and his statements about women paying and how they should pay too), won't give but has his hand out when you give, and when he does give, gives subpar things (paper thin 8 dollar dresses), and doesn't bother to at least make them special well meaning, low cost gifts. He has no idea of chivalry and makes you walk when he could easily drop you off at the door. Then on top of that he has the nerve to shroud his life in secrecy after almost a year, while being in his late thirties (a time when if you're serious, you should put your cards on the table). He's basically offering you a subpar, selfish, after-thought life. There is nothing good or well meaning about that.

Your situation is why some women will say things like you can't choose who you fall in love with. It's because they get too deep in something they never should've agreed to (relationship wise) in the first place, because it's not so bad, and has some good. So they say, "You just can't help who you fall for". For the most part you can. That's the number one thing I was taught when working for a successful matchmaker. Most women entertain and get emotionally involved with someone who isn't their match and/or isn't clear with them on basic issues that are important (regardless to the reason). Had they dropped them and/or not emotionally invested, they couldn't be hooked into a relationship. Now you're sitting at home on weekends yelling about going out, while he side eyes you because he feels like you aren't going anywhere. He's already told you to be happy with what you've got :lol: and gas lighted you into staying already. It's a trap that a lot of no good men are good at setting. Men like this know what they're doing subconsciously or unconsciously and it is done exclusively to hook and bait someone. You hold them at a distance, shroud things, so that they fall for you, gaslight them and groom them into accepting less and then they hang on once they find out x, y, z. This is why I don't buy the falling in love (can't help) thing for most cases because in most cases, women dive in and the water is not warm. They should be no where near the water, much less swimming all around getting nice and cozy.

And sure, everyone has a right to keep things to themselves in the beginning. But if they're interested in a serious relationship, serious things need to be displayed on the table and examined so that the person can decide to take you or leave you. Especially someone in their late thirties, especially almost a year into the relationship. And then you'll ponder accepting crap you never would because you've invested time. It's almost like you've climbed up Mount Kilamanjaro based on a trail a bunch of well meaning well wishes, and ideas that you've cultivated in your mind (because you're hanging on based on "what if" not reality) all while blind folded and lead, and you've realized you're almost at the top. You thought there was an award at the top but now you realize there isn't (or rather that there most likely won't be one other than someone's dusty, cheap hand in marriage, if that), so you delude yourself into thinking that the journey of going is enough because you've almost made it, and what do people need prizes for anyways? When the point is that you wanted one, thought it was available (at least the prize of a guy who dotes on you, has the ability to take care of a family and wife, and someone who is caring and considerate), and the person shrouded and obscured the reality of the situation so that you would go along long enough that you would accept whatever the end result would be (at least more than likely). But no one can shroud everything, and he did leads clues as to how this would end if you only noticed them.

He's giving you glimpses of himself already. He's showing you, and grooming you, on what to expect as a future possible partner in his life. And it's not much. No matter how good he might be for someone else, he is not your match or what you need now. And yes tomorrow he could become Bill Gates overnight...but more than likely...not. And you can hang on for that 1 percent chance ala that Tyler Perry Movie...and work with a brother, or you could let him go along his merry way and find your happy ending elsewhere. At least that's my take.
 
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greenmetro99 said:
Nope he doesn't do anything special! He seems to think that he is a great boyfriend though. He says " Im loyal to you and Im not in these streets cheating, and I pay you attention. What else do you want".
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:abducted: He's told you pretty much what he's working with. The bare minimum is what he thinks requires applauding.

And the thing is, he thinks he has the title (and/or you gave him the title) of boyfriend. This should not be. Especially at this age, especially for what he's offering. No exclusivity for him :lol: ! None!
 
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greenmetro99 said:
A month ago we had the stupidest argument ever! It was over a Black couple that we saw crossing the street. The lady was Beautiful, and she was wearing like huge high heels and was struggling walking.

I told my dude " Its a shame that her date didn't drop her off at the door since shes dressed all fancy and her heels are so tall. I said her date is rude.

He responded " Why is it his fault? She decided to wear those tall shoes so she has to take responsibility".

This reminded me of when I was walking 20 minutes in the cold with him. I wasn't dressed fancy, but I sholl was cold!

Little conversations like this help me see that is is just selfish and inconsiderate. Even though he thinks he's mr. wonderful .
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Okay. I cannot. I CANNOT.

You have your answer OP.
4
 
greenmetro99 said:
Thank you for this! I'm definitely going to break it off. I will just tell him we are incompatible. At first he seemed perfect for me, but I guess it was a facade just to catch me. I had to write to you all to make sure I was doing the right thing. Im thankful for the replies.
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Thank goodness. This thread is unfolding nicely. Don't be hard on yourself Op. Take it in stride and remember the face of the "nice" jerk now that you've come face to face with it.
 
Crackers Phinn said:
Just because I like to bring up old stuff - This is what I was talking about when I say these dude are out here acting like savages regardless of a woman's self esteem. Dude didn't start out acting a fool, he eased her into it on some straight bait and switch. THIS is why it's so hard on women in them dating streets.
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Nah there is nothing new under the sun. There is nothing shocking about these dating streets that haven't been done before (albeit on a smaller level because men would protect women in their families, matches would be made, and/or someone would be dueling it out for and fighting for the honor of women in their families). This is not new to me. Men have been doing this and women have been writing about their behavior since Jane Austen novels. Think Pride and Prejudice and Sense and sensibility. There is always a bait and switch guy twisting his moustache :lol: . Women have warned women for centuries to never give their heart away based on empty promises, outward expressions of love followed by bait and switch moves, or nothing other than words and actions that actually match up.

I think women have forgotten because courting rituals are broken up now and we are trying to make our own rules. But I think these human basics have to be in place even as we add "love" now, and I would certainly tell my future daughter about all of this so that she can see through the guises of crappy men who want what they want, and will drag you along and waste your time without any intention or care about your life in general, needs, or happiness. It is only hard in the dating streets because we've confused love with basic decency. Sure you should love someone and xyz but they should not have a chance to be permitted into your life, or given any energy unless they are worthy of it. Then there's the whole "what's worth?" thing and people have a thing to say about it :blah: :blah:, and regulating women's thoughts on what that should and should not be...but again that all falls into things that benefit men. So we have to define worthy ourselves (even if we keep it to ourselves and filter accordingly). So hat worth has to be defined by you and what you expect, and want out of life, and a future partner (because your life will change once you are with them so it is about who they are as a person [and whether you're matched there and on the same ground] in addition to what they can provide). Women are usually so caught up in what we can do to better ourselves and men use that to bend us into pretzels while some use it to their advantage. When really we should wise up and protect ourselves.
 
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luckiestdestiny said:
Nah there is nothing new under the sun. There is nothing shocking about these dating streets that haven't been done before (albeit on a smaller level because men would protect women in their families, matches would be made, and/or someone would be dueling it out for and fighting for the honor of women in their families). This is not new to me. Men have been doing this and women have been writing about their behavior since Jane Austen novels. Think Pride and Prejudice and Sense and sensibility. There is always a bait and switch guy twisting his moustache :lol: . Women have warned women for centuries to never give their heart away based on empty promises, outward expressions of love followed by bait and switch moves, or nothing other than words and actions that actually match up.

I think women have forgotten because courting rituals are broken up now and we are trying to make our own rules. But I think these human basics have to be in place even as we add "love" now, and I would certainly tell my future daughter about all of this so that she can see through the guises of crappy men who want what they want, and will drag you along and waste your time without any intention or care about your life in general, needs, or happiness. It is only hard in the dating streets because we've confused love with basic decency. Sure you should love someone and xyz but they should not have a chance to be permitted into your life, or given any energy unless they are worthy of it. Then there's the whole "what's worth?" thing and people have a thing to say about it :blah: :blah:, and regulating women's thoughts on what that should and should not be...but again that all falls into things that benefit men. So we have to define worthy ourselves (even if we keep it to ourselves and filter accordingly). So hat worth has to be defined by you and what you expect, and want out of life, and a future partner (because your life will change once you are with them so it is about who they are as a person [and whether you're matched there and on the same ground] in addition to what they can provide). Women are usually so caught up in what we can do to better ourselves and men use that to bend us into pretzels while some use it to their advantage. When really we should wise up and protect ourselves.
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The sexual revolution had hands in this. In the old, old days, a man had to prove his worth to a woman (and most likely her family as well) and then marry her and then have sex with her. He had to WORK for her time, energy, affection and future. Now, dinner and a movie, and boom! He's getting laid. And some women who want to be married now feel like if they don't put out, someone else will. So they bow to the cultural pressure.

I say lock it up till he marries you. There are a million women who he can have sex with. There is only one YOU. So if he wants YOU, let him pursue you, treat you with dignity, keep his pants zipped up and prove that he's worthy of your precious time and future. This is theoretically a good way to separate the jokers from the serious ones as most men will bail in moments. That's just my opinion, though.
Good luck and God speed, ladies.
 
greenmetro99 said:
Ok ladies, how would you feel about a nice man that you have been dating for 10 months that is very loyal, pays you attention, calls and text regularly. He has a degree, He's 35, an office job, no kids. He moved back home 1.5 years ago. I had no problem with that. But obviously that was a red flag. He has some student loan debt , but we all do! He wont discuss finances with me, and says its too soon to talk. 10 months is too soon to talk finances????


He’s cheap as ever or broke as ever. I’m not sure which one it is. At first, he was taking me out on real dates, to decent restaurants….But after 3 months he slacked off. I though he was going to be a great boyfriend!!!!!!Now he only wants to go out on a date once a month, but wants to hang on the sofa and watch tv other nights. He’s not all about sex, so it’s not on the level of Netflix and chilling. But I’m bored of this!


I dont believe in spending money on men, and I haven't in the past. With him, I tried it. Many times I will plan dates that cost 20 bucks or less. Often times I would use a groupon, or get some cheap or free tickets somewhere and invite him. The places and events are always nice or fun like a play, concert, museum, lounges, etc. He wont offer to buy drinks or food. He will say, well you invited me. UGH! He likes to say why should I be the only one that pays, when women can treat too.

He gave me a 8 dollar dress from amazon.com on my birthday last month. I actually searched for the dress and found it! It said free shipping and everything. It was cheap, felt like paper, too big....awful.


He will park 20 minutes away in the cold, and make us walk to the destination instead of paying 15 dollars for parking.

He's had the same empty container of dollar store lotion in his bathroom since I met him. One day, I asked him for some lotion and he handed me the empty bottle. I forced the tiny little squirt of lotion out and it burned my skin.... It stung so bad.

I’m not use to this at all. I’m very successful at 36, college degrees, career, and I have my own money. I am not cheap on myself, and I don’t feel comfortable with a man being cheap with me. I really hate it.

Would you stay or leave ladies? Be honest. He’s a sweetie 75% of the time. He's got a new job, which will be a career for him. Is he stingy or broke? I would hate to dump him, then he goes on to spoil the next chick.
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How fine is this man that you’re willing to put yourself through this much crap just to be with him?
 
giigii613 said:
Track a mans money and you will find what has his heart.

I was told this once after a terrible break-up. My boyfriend who started off being a "great guy" slacked off much like yours and cut from us going out 2/3 times a week to once a week then we would just hang around the house. When we did go out he started expecting me to cover the bill. Fast forward a year and I find out he was cheating on me. I'm pretty sure while I was picking up tabs for us to hang out he was courting the next woman. Dealing with him burned me bad. From that point on I never spent a dime on a man who was not family. I must say I get more and I'm much happier.
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Girl thank you for sharing your story! And I love the quote!
 
GoGoChik said:
I dated a cheap/broke man last year. It took me a few months to breakup with him because he was actually a nice guy and made the effort. He took me out every week. He just used coupons or Groupons to pay for our meals :look:. He took a pay cut for a job and had been struggling financially. I was earning at least 2 times his salary. And, I had lost sexual interest in him. It felt like I was dating a good guy friend. He would get a little too excited when I offered to pay for dinner.

So, OP, start dating other men.. ASAP. As the author of Men Don’t Love Women Like You says, only date providers... http://blackgirlsareeasy.com/2018/03/being-high-maintenance.html

Now, I’m dating a provider and it just feels differently. I WANT to sleep with him and have his babies. Lol I feel safe and taken care of.
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Girl, I'm done with this clown! I'm used to way better!
 
greenmetro99 said:
Thanks for the comments ladies! I had a blast reading them. I haven't talked to this dude in like 2 weeks I think, and I'm not checking for him at all. I tried, now back to the drawing board. No love lost.
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You may want to add a line updating the thread in the OP or the thread title so folks will quit bumping with advice.

Trust me if you add an update to the OP, make it the first line because folks will start typing a reply before they get to the end.
 
greenmetro99 said:
Girl, I had heels on. In 30 degree temps. That was the longest walk of life. I could have easily paid for parking, but I refused to do it on a date when he drove. About the dress, he ordered it and didnt take it out of the plastic wrap. He put it in a gift bag with cheap wine, card, etc. He was like go ahead and open it..... I was looking like WTF is this!

On valentines weekend, he told me that my gift was dinner. After i snapped off, he called me the day of and had some balloons for me. No gift, bear......just a card and balloons.
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I like the Shera said that just because a man gets you a gift you can say with tact that you do not want that cheap gift. No thank you honey. Awww I’m really used to xyz.
 
giigii613 said:
Track a mans money and you will find what has his heart.

I was told this once after a terrible break-up. My boyfriend who started off being a "great guy" slacked off much like yours and cut from us going out 2/3 times a week to once a week then we would just hang around the house. When we did go out he started expecting me to cover the bill. Fast forward a year and I find out he was cheating on me. I'm pretty sure while I was picking up tabs for us to hang out he was courting the next woman. Dealing with him burned me bad. From that point on I never spent a dime on a man who was not family. I must say I get more and I'm much happier.
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I like this quote. So does this mean I should do a career change as a CPA? :look: :lol:
 
It shows his level of effort. He thinks of you as his girlfriend, hasn't heard from you in two weeks and is now trying to reach out to you by text? Yeah. You dodged a bullet anyways because he really doesn't care about this relationship. Not that it matters because hopefully you truly intend to end (and keep the relationship closed) this relationship...but it shows that you were trying to make fetch happen with a guy who really could are less OP. Glad he's gone.
 
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