Is He Stingy Or Broke?

[hopeful]

Thank you for this!
...
And I am use to a man that treats me too. I messed up this time ladies. I was seeking a nice guy instead of the typical arrogant successful men that I usually attract. UGH!!!!

You’re welcome! And listen, we all mess up. You thought you were trying something different. But this guy is a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I started a thread awhile ago about a book called How to Spot a Dangerous Man and your guy is in there ! https://longhaircareforum.com/threads/how-to-avoid-bad-guys-and-bad-relationships-challenge.798823/

Dangerous men come in all types of packages: rich and arrogant; sweet and innocent acting; clingy; macho, etc. The common denominator is that they don’t carry their weight in the relationship and they are draining.

Take good care of yourself! No more arrogant, successful jerks or fake good guys. Treating you and treating you well and consistently are two completely different things. What good is a fancy date if you are emotionally unavailable? What’s the point of a weekend getaway but you are always too busy for me Monday - Friday? So what if you are “nice” but never take me out anymore?

You deserve a real person, a human being who shows up for you lovingly and consistently. Nobody is perfect but you don’t deserve abuse or mistreatment from anyone.

Also keep an eye out for men who move too quickly because they are usually trying to sweep you off your feet (gain control) versus really get to know you. I added this because early in you thought he was perfect for you. It simply takes time to really get to know another person and to know if they are the one for you.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

Okay, you did good to keep him after that museum date and he should be grateful that he didn't get blocked while ya'll wandered through exhibits. I can handle a lot of things but don't publicly embarrass me. I bet that cashier was like, "I didn't sign up for all this."

 

[Miss_C]

The thing is that he comes off as a very positive person that says encouraging things. He doesnt say many bad things about women in general, and that's why its confusing. He seems like a nice guy, but also seems like a selfish bastard.

If he is a feminist he keeps quiet on it. But he might be! He likes to say " Why should men do all the work. Women should hold their men down too".

Yea he's a feminist, or at least the definition of feminist that men use for their benefit when they want to get out of taking care of a woman's needs.

 

[LushLox]

He sounds heinous and manipulative...
Got you thinking you are giving the sweet, overlooked guy a chance.

Who cares if he ain’t running the streets? He can’t afford to run the streets.

You sound like a forgiving, patient gentle lady. Use that energy on yourself.

This had me in tears.

 

[LdyKamz]

Okay, you did good to keep him after that museum date and he should be grateful that he didn't get blocked while ya'll wandered through exhibits. I can handle a lot of things but don't publicly embarrass me. I bet that cashier was like, "I didn't sign up for all this."

Okay! I would have done something like that but I've gotten petty. I posted in the singles thread how I unmatched a dude on the app when he went to the bathroom because I wasn't feeling him.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Just because I like to bring up old stuff - This is what I was talking about when I say these dude are out here acting like savages regardless of a woman's self esteem. Dude didn't start out acting a fool, he eased her into it on some straight bait and switch. THIS is why it's so hard on women in them dating streets.

 

[quirkydimples]

I unmatched a dude on the app when he went to the bathroom because I wasn't feeling him.

Savage.

 

[hopeful]

Just because I like to bring up old stuff - This is what I was talking about when I say these dude are out here acting like savages regardless of a woman's self esteem. Dude didn't start out acting a fool, he eased her into it on some straight bait and switch. THIS is why it's so hard on women in them dating streets.

True! That’s why women need to give other women tips. Most men switch it up between 2-4 months. They start to slip up pretty soon but come in hot and heavy. I also notice they choose women who have a lot going on or some type of major life event etc. They like women who are somewhat distracted so it will take her awhile to catch on to what he is doing. Sure some stay hot and heavy for longer as well, then switch it up. But I think most men are too lazy for that. IMO it takes at least 6 months of dating in the same city, consistently, and without major distractions to know if a guy even has potential.

 

[LivingInPeace]

True! That’s why women need to give other women tips. Most men switch it up between 2-4 months. They start to slip up pretty soon but come in hot and heavy. I also notice they choose women who have a lot going on or some type of major life event etc. They like women who are somewhat distracted so it will take her awhile to catch on to what he is doing. Sure some stay hot and heavy for longer as well, then switch it up. But I think most men are too lazy for that. IMO it takes at least 6 months of dating in the same city, consistently, and without major distractions to know if a guy even has potential.

I believe you have to be with someone for four seasons before you can say you really know them. You can fake for a few months but you can’t fake more than a year.

 

[awhyley]

I've already opened up a dating profile tonight. I'll start dating multiple men.

Yes, you should. I really was wary about this, but there is a value to keeping men in rotation. So when this mess happens, you have your standby men ready to go. Can't miss a beat out here.

 

[ladysaraii]

I believe you have to be with someone for four seasons before you can say you really know them. You can fake for a few months but you can’t fake more than a year.

I remember Pat Allen discussing this in Getting to I Do. I loved that book

 

[ArrrBeee]

@greenmetro99

Will you let us know when you break up with him so that we can





We want you to win. It’s okay that you messed up. You live and you learn. All nice dudes aren’t nice and their nerdiness means jack.

 

[hopeful]

I believe you have to be with someone for four seasons before you can say you really know them. You can fake for a few months but you can’t fake more than a year.

Agreed. Four seasons. Same city. Consistent, normal dating. No major life changes for either of you.

 

[NICOLETHENUMBERONE]

Every time I bring up finances, he states that is rude for me to ask...and he would never ask me that question. I told him " If he did ask me it wouldn't matter because I have nothing to hide. I have great credit and am gainfully employed. After all these months, I need to know what I'm getting myself into! He has never told me a plan to move out. Im starting to think that he may be paying his mothers bills, because she doesnt work.

Are you guys legitimately talking marriage? If not, why the need to know about finances on the level of simply boyfriend/girlfriend?

 

[NICOLETHENUMBERONE]

I co-sign with what previous ladies have said so there's no reason to repeat it. My first thought was there's no need for him to be so secretive about finances. The fact that he is, is a red flag. He's not being transparent which makes me think he's hiding something and/or he's one of these men that doesn't think a man has a responsibility to provide for his woman. Or he's not taking the relationship as seriously as you are and is just enjoying the companionship until someone else comes along.

I'm about to hit the 5 month mark with the man I'm dating now and I have a pretty good idea of his finances/assets. At 36, seeing a man for 10 months means marriage is in consideration, assuming you both want that which it sounds like you do. You have every right to know what he's working with financially.

Dump him. It's an easy call.

I think the bolded is a problem. Women sometimes assume that ten months of dating means marriage is in the works. Or even that they are exclusive when it doesnt.

If marriage is something you want to talk about, then talk about that. Asking about the details of someone's finances as a girlfriend or boyfriend is not necessary if marriage is not on the table. It's like someone trying to solve a problem secretly when they should be upfront and provide more context to questions, state what is and is not acceptable, suggestions etc. If he can not understand that or doesnt want to compromise, there is no reason to delve into his finances as he's illustrated his feelings regarding the matter.

 

[greenmetro99]

Thanks so much for your input ladies! It really helps to be able to discuss situations. I will tell you how the breakout conversation happens, if it ever happens. I'm not calling or contacting him at all. I do no contact well! But he's the type to call or text days later when he thinks the ghost is clear. I'm just going to tell him we are not compatible and move on with my life. I have nothing to lose.

All I can hear this fool saying in my mind is "Oh I gotta spend money in order to spend time with my woman"...... Like yeah dude!
I've had better, more attentive, and giving boyfriends in highschool! When they didn't have money, they still found a way to make it happen. This dude is intentionally holding out. Chatting with yall has helped me realize that. Back to the drawing board lol .

 

[NICOLETHENUMBERONE]

Good for you! I was late to the thread but this guy was trash!

ETA: And going out to date instead of Netflix and Chill is more about the level of investment and sacrifice/effort. Plus, you get the chance to live and experience new things. So, yes spending money is absolutely a necessity.

 

[momi]

The thing is that he comes off as a very positive person that says encouraging things. He doesnt say many bad things about women in general, and that's why its confusing. He seems like a nice guy, but also seems like a selfish bastard.

If he is a feminist he keeps quiet on it. But he might be! He likes to say " Why should men do all the work. Women should hold their men down too".

I was about to chime in and say just sideline him while continuing to entertain other prospects but this right here??? He is clearly a loser. Good riddance.

 

[NJ11]

he should be grateful that he didn't get blocked while ya'll wandered through exhibits

I love when a comment makes me literally laugh out loud...at work and all...

Cold blooded.

 

[BEAUTYU2U]

I love when a comment makes me literally laugh out loud...at work and all...

Cold blooded.

He done made me mad, lol.

OP was doing him a favor by just allowing him to be in her presence. Hmphf.

 

[Covagirlm]

Just passing through and posting a comment I saw on Facebook the other day.

 

[RoundEyedGirl504]

Nope he doesn't do anything special! He seems to think that he is a great boyfriend though. He says " Im loyal to you and Im not in these streets cheating, and I pay you attention. What else do you want".

Once again , I told this fool that I love going out and having fun, and that I am no longer sitting on that sofa! He said " So you telling me that I only can spend quality time with you when Im spending money". I answered "Hell Yeah!" Im Not doing it anymore! I cant keep sitting on the sofa.

No shade at you OP. But I be (yes be) trying to understand how this rumor got started. Men who are basic AF will be shouting from the rooftops that they're great because they have a job, a degree, don't cheat, and don't knock your teeth out of your head - that's the bare minimum you should be offering! But somehow that's gotten elevated to something more than the basic stuff any adult should be coming to the table with. It blows my mind. I was talking to my friend and I asked her why she was sticking with this dude, and she says oh he's nice, has a decent job, and is educated - what else????

 

[guudhair]

I will tell you how the breakout conversation happens, if it ever happens.

I see you’ve posted more details about this clown. Don’t bother with a breakup conversation with him. You don’t owe him a reason or explanation and doing so only gives him the opportunity to waste even more of your precious time. Nothing he will say matters. Block his number if you need to and be glad you didn’t marry or have kids with him.

 

[SurferBabe]

He has a degree, He's 35, an office job, no kids.

I just want to add that this doesn't mean a whole lot. If he has debt and no personal wealth built, he's probably living paycheck to paycheck. You have to be honest with yourself as to what you want. If you want a man that will invest in you in the long term, you need to only consider men who are financially secure. Don't feel guilty about it either. I've learned the hard way that you can't just look at a person and tell their financial situation. I've dated guys with fancy job titles, advanced degrees, new cars, and nice condos who were deeply in debt and brokety broke. Just like your situation, they'd start out generous and then start nitpicking about how much stuff costs down the line. This is something you have to vet for early on. I'm frugal as well because I have some major financial goals I'm trying to hit quickly, but I'm transparent about that with anyone I'm building with. He's not. Plus frugal doesn't automatically equal inconsiderate. You can do better.

 

[GeorginaSparks]

I see you’ve posted more details about this clown. Don’t bother with a breakup conversation with him. You don’t owe him a reason or explanation and doing so only gives him the opportunity to waste even more of your precious time. Nothing he will say matters. Block his number if you need to and be glad you didn’t marry or have kids with him.

this. just ghost him.

 

[BillsBackerz67]

Every time I bring up finances, he states that is rude for me to ask...and he would never ask me that question. I told him " If he did ask me it wouldn't matter because I have nothing to hide. I have great credit and am gainfully employed. After all these months, I need to know what I'm getting myself into! He has never told me a plan to move out. Im starting to think that he may be paying his mothers bills, because she doesnt work.

You def should hide this. This is something I don’t go around telling men. Nor do I tell them how much I make. He should assume that I’m doing just fine if I have my own transportation, my own place, and I’m not asking him to borrow money. So yes in general the “money” convo is def necessary but only when both of us are willing to talk about it....and when we do talk we’ll be talking about his circumstances not really mine the moment he gets defensive he’s either hidng something or he’s extremely broke. That’s all the sign you need to dump him.

 

[shortycocoa]

[

You’re treating him to a nice time and probably exposing him to things he’s not use to. Stop. Let him hang out on the sofa and watch tv.

If you choose to keep dating him then date other men as well. Don’t use another free ticket or spend another penny on him. Don’t invite him to anything else (free or not). Don’t try to find anything else for him to do with you. He has the same resources as you do to find things for the two of you.

I agree with all of this. Plus, how do you know he really likes you for you and is not just using you because you're providing all of these experiences for him at your expense?

I don't know if I would call him stingy. Stingy people usually have resources but just don't want to share them with others. He just sounds like he doesn't have much and isn't interested in giving you anything, either.

You deserve better. I don't think you should keep seeing him because it doesn't sound like it's worth it now, so it probably won't change. You've already been here 10 months too long. Don't waste any more of your time on this dead-end relationship.

Put it out there in the universe that the next guy is going to spoil you tenfold.

 

[Jas123]

Little conversations like this help me see that is is just selfish and inconsiderate. Even though he thinks he's mr. wonderful .

And cheap/broke what a horrible combination!

 

[giigii613]

Track a mans money and you will find what has his heart.

I was told this once after a terrible break-up. My boyfriend who started off being a "great guy" slacked off much like yours and cut from us going out 2/3 times a week to once a week then we would just hang around the house. When we did go out he started expecting me to cover the bill. Fast forward a year and I find out he was cheating on me. I'm pretty sure while I was picking up tabs for us to hang out he was courting the next woman. Dealing with him burned me bad. From that point on I never spent a dime on a man who was not family. I must say I get more and I'm much happier.

 

[GoGoChik]

I dated a cheap/broke man last year. It took me a few months to breakup with him because he was actually a nice guy and made the effort. He took me out every week. He just used coupons or Groupons to pay for our meals . He took a pay cut for a job and had been struggling financially. I was earning at least 2 times his salary. And, I had lost sexual interest in him. It felt like I was dating a good guy friend. He would get a little too excited when I offered to pay for dinner.

So, OP, start dating other men.. ASAP. As the author of Men Don’t Love Women Like You says, only date providers... http://blackgirlsareeasy.com/2018/03/being-high-maintenance.html

Now, I’m dating a provider and it just feels differently. I WANT to sleep with him and have his babies. Lol I feel safe and taken care of.