Interracial: She's Black; He's White

[Bunny77]

Oh snap; wait b4 you quit hi-jacking . . . dis is da Samoan dude???? Shoooootttttt.

There's quite a few pictures of him on Google Images... including shirtless with that hurr swangin' all over the place...

 

[Bunny77]

LOL! Ol' "blue eyes" eh?? :eyebrows2 How cute.

I've always heard dating a white man or a non-black man is different from dating a black man. I wonder if that stereotype is true though? Like, does it feel different dating someone of another race? Or, does race not even come into the picture?

I guess it's different for all people, so I wouldn't presume to speak for everyone... but in my wee humble opinion, I think that black women are a bit too overly concerned about how "different" a white man might be.

My longest relationship has been with a black man (although that's probably going to change). Now, yes, it was cool that we could relate on a cultural level and understand inside jokes and history and all that. But we were not very compatible in other ways and at the end of the day, when the stuff hits the fan, it's more important to have that compatibility to keep your relationship going.

Us both being black and having a mutual understanding of certain things makes no difference when it's time to get the bills paid, get the laundry done and get little Susie taken to school and picked up. When little Billy is crying all night and you've gotten 2 hours of sleep and it's your DH's turn to change the diaper, him being black isn't going to make him do that any better.

(Obviously, I haven't had any of these experiences yet, but I'm thinking that when single women in general think about marriage, we aren't thinking about the mundane, down and dirty stuff like the above... we're thinking of things that might not be the most relevant issues at the end of the day.)

Anyway, to answer your question, I'll say that it's a common one that I get from black women. It doesn't really feel any different to me dating a WM versus a BM. Now, yes, there might be a different set of behaviors in the approach, the actions on the early dates, the way the conversation flows and all that... however, I was never all that attached to the stereotypical way that some black men do these things. The type of black men I dated behaved very similarly to the white ones.

In the relationship, I haven't found that racial differences have come into play at all. I'm sure there will be things down the road that will be interesting little teachable moments, but really, I've found that IR dating ain't really all that serious. I guess that's why I'm still a little surprised at the reaction I get from black women about it, but then again, I don't criticize them... I understand where it's coming from.

 

[Bunny77]

Lucie, I'm just throwing this out there, but could it be that what you are yearning for is more exposure to your own culture? Maybe you just miss your roots? If that's the case, then a divorce would really be overkill, wouldn't it? That's like, you decide you want to learn Spanish, so you divorce your hubby to go find a Puerto Rican man. I've found out from experience that you can't expect your hubby to be everything you need. Just everything you need in a husband. Keeping you culturally grounded is beyond what your hubby can do, but that doesn't mean you need a new hubby. Maybe you can find another way to stay grounded. Maybe the two of you could plan a trip back to Haiti? Join a local Haitian social group (if you have one near you)? IDK. I just hate to see a good marriage in trouble...

I think this whole post is brilliant.

 

[FluffyRed]

lucie, there's a lot of crap out here.

I know when ur married, freedom can sound good, but please take a lil break first

remember that article, "those aren't fighting words, dear?"

true love is not easy to find

I was never all that attached to the stereotypical way that some black men do these things. The type of black men I dated behaved very similarly to the white ones.

Interesting! Same here!

 

[Bunny77]

I do feel like I'd be missing out by marrying a man who isn't a minority in some way, shape, or form. Could he really understand the struggle? There's nothing like coming home to a man and being able to look into his eyes and know that he understands first hand what you're going through. That's something I've missed when I dated white men.

Thanks for sharing this, and I know that you've dated white men before so you're speaking from experience.

Here's my thing... maybe I'm just weird or have lived in some blissful cocoon, but I've never felt that I'm "going through" much of anything being a black woman.

Or this concept of "the struggle."

Sure, I've had my moments and still have some. There are some things that I KNOW happened to me because I'm black, because I'm a woman or because I'm a black woman.

But they've never been statistically significant enough to be an impact in any romantic relationship that I've had. Even when I was with the brotha for a lengthy period, there was very rarely -- if ever -- a time where I needed his similar racial experience to make me feel better about something racial that might have gone down at school or work or something like that.

In fact, sometimes it felt like a burden, especially if he got into the whole "the black man" this, that and the third.

Now, I don't want some oblivious white American dude who's like, "La la la la la, you're overreacting, there is no racism, la la la la la." Ugh, can you say beat down???

But also, how men many can truly relate to their partners about sexism? Do we need to be with women to get them to identify with our struggle as women?

As long as I have a man who is capable of acknowledging the issues that I might face as a black women and comforting me when they happen -- even if he doesn't "get it" firsthand -- then I'm cool.

 

[MizAvalon]

LOL! Ol' "blue eyes" eh?? :eyebrows2 How cute.

I've always heard dating a white man or a non-black man is different from dating a black man. I wonder if that stereotype is true though? Like, does it feel different dating someone of another race? Or, does race not even come into the picture?

For me, the differences have very little to do with race but more with background. A white man that comes from a similar background as I do, I will most likely have lots in common with. I really only notice race when our experiences are so different that it can't help but be glaringly obvious.

I will *probably* get along better with a white man who lived on the same street as me all of his life, than say a man who is black but comes from another culture, for example.

The guy I am dating now though is white and from another country!

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Thanks for sharing this, and I know that you've dated white men before so you're speaking from experience.

Here's my thing... maybe I'm just weird or have lived in some blissful cocoon, but I've never felt that I'm "going through" much of anything being a black woman.

Or this concept of "the struggle."

Sure, I've had my moments and still have some. There are some things that I KNOW happened to me because I'm black, because I'm a woman or because I'm a black woman.

But they've never been statistically significant enough to be an impact in any romantic relationship that I've had. Even when I was with the brotha for a lengthy period, there was very rarely -- if ever -- a time where I needed his similar racial experience to make me feel better about something racial that might have gone down at school or work or something like that.

In fact, sometimes it felt like a burden, especially if he got into the whole "the black man" this, that and the third.

Now, I don't want some oblivious white American dude who's like, "La la la la la, you're overreacting, there is no racism, la la la la la." Ugh, can you say beat down???

But also, how men many can truly relate to their partners about sexism? Do we need to be with women to get them to identify with our struggle as women?

As long as I have a man who is capable of acknowledging the issues that I might face as a black women and comforting me when they happen -- even if he doesn't "get it" firsthand -- then I'm cool.

You make a lot of sense in this, and I agree. I think for me it comes down to attraction. There is something attractive about a 'minority' man, as crazy as it sounds, I just can't put my finger on it. I think that in most black women this is subconscious. Take my mother for example. She gets hit on by white men all of the time, and she's tried to go there, but she backs off because she feels like there is something lacking. She once told me 'I like to talk about white people too much to be with a white man' .

Don't get me wrong, I'd still date a white man if he was 'the one', just not an American one--and not because I feel like non-American whites are less racist, but because that 'exotic' factor is still there in a way.

I guess it's up to the person. When I was dating white men, it didn't really matter to me, but now I yearn for something different. I feel more comfortable with a man of color if that makes any sense. I guess in the same way many whites just feel more comfortable with other whites, or 'assimilated' non-whites. They feel like they can't 'connect' on that level with blacks, and I feel like I can't 'connect' on that level with most of them anymore.

 

[Lourdes]

Yea that's mainly why Im hesitant is getting out of my "Nigerians only for marriage" mindset although Ive dated various races. I love my country/tribe and love speaking my language without translation. I dont know. we'll see

From past posts, Your husband sounds like a gem either way, lucie

You sound like my mate. Nigerian, only dates White guys or says those are the ones she will marry but "I'm going to marry a Nigerian man"

 

[10WordzOrLess]

Here you go Lucie... I hope everything works out for you!


But YES, speaking on the subject: I am married to a blue-eyed white man, from ALABAMA. And I love him, very much. His family taught him right, so when he found himself attracted to me, he approached me like he would anybody else, and the rest is..history.

BUT (did ya'll see that coming?) The culture differences can get overwhelming at times. I'd be lying if I said we always see eye to eye on f racial issues. Not because he's a flaming racist, but because he can't really see things from a black point of view. AND vice versa!

HOWEVER, I always find that, in the scope of our whole relationship, and the values we are trying to build our marriage on...racial issues/opinions are but a small part of our lives. Not to say that they aren't important, but our relationship is made up of SO MUCH MORE than his opinion on hip-hop. ( TELL ME WHY he HATES Lil Wayne so MUCH! Anybody?! Somebody?!) All that I ask is that he be RESPECTFUL if he disagrees, and I offer that same courtesy....That and he better not say NOTHING BAD about my BARACK OBAMA.


erplexed I know the whole "does he want a white girl?" feeling, especially since I'm an insecure newlywed...But he helped me out, by suggesting I go for the BIG CHOP. I was bowled over when he said he didn't need me to have long straight hair!

Now...If I could just get him to grease my scalp......

 

[Bunny77]

You make a lot of sense in this, and I agree. I think for me it comes down to attraction. There is something attractive about a 'minority' man, as crazy as it sounds, I just can't put my finger on it. I think that in most black women this is subconscious. Take my mother for example. She gets hit on by white men all of the time, and she's tried to go there, but she backs off because she feels like there is something lacking. She once told me 'I like to talk about white people too much to be with a white man' .

Don't get me wrong, I'd still date a white man if he was 'the one', just not an American one--and not because I feel like non-American whites are less racist, but because that 'exotic' factor is still there in a way.

I guess it's up to the person. When I was dating white men, it didn't really matter to me, but now I yearn for something different. I feel more comfortable with a man of color if that makes any sense. I guess in the same way many whites just feel more comfortable with other whites, or 'assimilated' non-whites. They feel like they can't 'connect' on that level with blacks, and I feel like I can't 'connect' on that level with most of them anymore.

You can help further my campaign for black woman-Samoan man relationships.

I gotcha though. We're all different, and no one should be with someone they don't want to be with.

In general, people marry folks like themselves. One reason could be that they never leave where they grew up, but even if they do, they seek familiarity.

 

[lydc]

.. I won't be marrying a Haitian and sometimes this makes me so sad. Sometimes I think about all of the inside jokes, cultural nuiances that hew won't be able to understand... I know if I live in NY my chances of finding a suitable Haitian man would be so much greater.

Wow you hit it right on the head with that one for me; these thoughts go through my mind sometimes and I live in NY. In my case I always thought that I would end up with a first generationer (country doesn't matter as long as it was in the caribbean) like myself. The good thing is that I am in total and complete love with my current SO and he's learning to appreciate the culture so we'll be fine.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

You can help further my campaign for black woman-Samoan man relationships.

I gotcha though. We're all different, and no one should be with someone they don't want to be with.

In general, people marry folks like themselves. One reason could be that they never leave where they grew up, but even if they do, they seek familiarity.

I'm down with that.

 

[DDTexlaxed]

We'll be married 10 years next year.

 

[Bachelorette]

Here's my thing... maybe I'm just weird or have lived in some blissful cocoon, but I've never felt that I'm "going through" much of anything being a black woman.

Or this concept of "the struggle."



In fact, sometimes it felt like a burden, especially if he got into the whole "the black man" this, that and the third.

As long as I have a man who is capable of acknowledging the issues that I might face as a black women and comforting me when they happen -- even if he doesn't "get it" firsthand -- then I'm cool.

Agreed.

ditto to bold

 

[Bachelorette]

, but our relationship is made up of SO MUCH MORE than his opinion on hip-hop. ( TELL ME WHY he HATES Lil Wayne so MUCH! Anybody?! Somebody?!)

sounds like he has great taste to me.

 

[10WordzOrLess]

sounds like he has great taste to me.

The lil Gremlin is Catchy...

What can I say

 

[divya]

No...not right now, though not against it. However, all of this culture talk makes me kind of sad. Living in the U.S., it's nice to have someone who understands your cultural background. I would like to marry a Trini, but even a Guyanese or Grenadian would be fine. Someone West Indian...*sigh*

Maybe I need to move to NY...

 

[Bunny77]

I'm very open to IR dating, but I don't really meet anyone who's interested. They might look or say something to friends, but they DON'T approach. And I live in Austin!

That sucks. My boyfriend graduated from UT too, like a million years ago (okay, he ain't that old, lol).

I'll ask him about that... I know he dated Hispanic women in college, but I know that's seen as pretty normal down there!

 

[Ozma]

I voted "other", because I'm single right now. I have dated three white men, including one LTR that lasted 13 years. I imagine I will date/marry another WM.

 

[Celestial]

i see blk woman with yt men in nyc all the time...there r so many IR couples across the board in nyc its normal to me to see any race with another race.

i guess it all depend son where you reside...

I visited NYC in 2008 and I didn't see any black women with white men. I didn't even see a lot of interracial but I was in the tourist area.

 

[Cxshortie]

My husband is white, we have been married a little over 7 years and have a 6 month old daughter. I dated a mixture of races in the past mostly black though. I dont see too many IR BF/WM couples around here. We used to get a lot of stares in the past, but now I just dont even pay people any attention. What can you tell about me from staring up in my face for five minutes straight anyway?

My husband and I met online while we were both in college, we had a lot of similarities and differences. He grew up in the country, I grew up in the burbs. He likes country music and I think its the most awful music I have ever heard, however he listens to a lot of Hip Hop now too.

I dont really think there is much difference between dating black versus non-black as it is person to person. Some people experience issues with culture and have problems dealing with others negative opinions toward their IR. Otherwise dudes with education, good jobs come in all races as do ones that are dogs and liars.

 

[healthynhappy]

Here you go Lucie... I hope everything works out for you!


But YES, speaking on the subject: I am married to a blue-eyed white man, from ALABAMA. And I love him, very much. His family taught him right, so when he found himself attracted to me, he approached me like he would anybody else, and the rest is..history.

BUT (did ya'll see that coming?) The culture differences can get overwhelming at times. I'd be lying if I said we always see eye to eye on f racial issues. Not because he's a flaming racist, but because he can't really see things from a black point of view. AND vice versa!

HOWEVER, I always find that, in the scope of our whole relationship, and the values we are trying to build our marriage on...racial issues/opinions are but a small part of our lives. Not to say that they aren't important, but our relationship is made up of SO MUCH MORE than his opinion on hip-hop. ( TELL ME WHY he HATES Lil Wayne so MUCH! Anybody?! Somebody?!) All that I ask is that he be RESPECTFUL if he disagrees, and I offer that same courtesy....That and he better not say NOTHING BAD about my BARACK OBAMA.


erplexed I know the whole "does he want a white girl?" feeling, especially since I'm an insecure newlywed...But he helped me out, by suggesting I go for the BIG CHOP. I was bowled over when he said he didn't need me to have long straight hair!

Now...If I could just get him to grease my scalp......

Sounds like my DH.

He doesn't like JayZ. But loves many other black artists. I couldn't care less about JayZ or any other famous person for that matter. I think his issue with J stems from the fact that my 19 yo son loves J, so DH spends time analyzing the music DS listens to and has come to the conclusion that J is lacking.

DH is also my reason for getting rid of the weave and growing my own hair. He encouraged me through the 3 inch phase, told me how beautiful I was, begged me not to wear weave anymore.

He knew about the POTUS before I even knew the man existed. One day he came home, gave me his book to read, and encouraged me to follow his career. He said, "this man is going to be president one day." I said .

Cultural differences aren't that great for us anymore as we've been together for 15 years. When we disagree on racial issues, he knows to just STFU. We work well like that.

 

[Cxshortie]

When we disagree on racial issues, he knows to just STFU. We work well like that.

same in my household

 

[inthepink]

This is an interesting thread. Even though I haven't dated in a long while, when I did date, I dated mostly white men. I just found that I had more in common with white men than black men. As far as it is different? I don't think I've dated enough to say - just some stereotypical things that some black men do (like act too familiar), I don't find myself attracted to. I just want to get to know someone normally and not be with someone who thinks they know me already simply b/c of our race. (I hope that doesn't sound bad just trying to explain at best what I mean.)

When I'd go on dates with white men, I never really thought about it. I was just with someone I was trying to get to know and that's it.

 

[JollyGal]

I accidently voted other for some strange reason I missed the no option lol

I'm single at the moment, and yes I do like vanilla.

I see BW/WM couples all the time in London. I guess it depends on where you live or where you spend your time...

 

[MusicandWine]

I'm gonna go ahead and throw my native NYer two cents in here. You will not see a lot of wm/bw couples in the citay. It may seem like the center of the world for that sort of thing but you just will not see it often.

I am engaged to a white guy, I love everything about him. I've dated black guys, it was fun but I never dated a black guy who was serious about moving in a mature direction with me so I got bored and kept moving along. Then I found my current guy and realized we were both about progressing and growing together in the same direction.

It's great to find someone who actually has the same values as yourself. We have a lot of fun together and we're happy so that's all that matters to me.

 

[spacetygrss]

My husband is white latino so I guess that counts.

 

[VioletWylde]

I've dated mostly white men. This just kind of happened. I did date a guy from Chile my freshman year of college, but that too was random. Actually, I realize that I have not dated a single African American man and at this rate I won't (I think current SO is it for me), but it certainly wasn't for lack of trying. I'm sorry that I can't give a comparison on a romantic level, but I will tell you that for me race was usually only an issue if we made it one.

My dream guy would be black Canadian but I don't think I'm going to find such a guy down here.

It could happen! My SO is a black Canadian and we grew up over 1500 miles apart. I can keep an eye out for some cousins for you!

 

[cutenss]

I would like to again. Is there an are more condusive to IRR? Were I live its seems to be the other way around erplexed

 

[msbettyboop]

Honey, take it from an old broad. "Get love where ya get it". Seriously, yaw'll ladies don't turn down love due to the color of someone's skin, or their culture (even if dey kain't dance).

I second that lovinlocks. I remember when I met my boo I was like "I ain't dating a white guy so forget about it" and didn't even try to get to know him but the dude was relentless. For 8 months he gently pursued me and eventually I was like anybody this tenacious deserves some attention. It turned out he was the definition of what I've always wanted in a guy and I almost passed him by simply cos he was white. It's been almost 2 years now and we're engaged and we can't wait to grow old together! and yes, he can't dance to save his life but I love him anyway !