2019 Relationship And Dating Thread

[OneShinyface]

[PLEASE DON'T QUOTE]

Ya'll, after a little over a year together, it is over. It was good; REALLY, REALLY good. Then it wasn't and I had to end it. I shared with him what I felt I needed from him when he stopped giving it. He knew exactly what I was talking about, so I gave him time to work on it, given that the pace of his new role and his business travel had picked up tremendously.

But the "we" became an "I"; I noticed it quickly. Then his free time included less time for me. Our relationship goals, which were aligned and focused on marriage later this year, were no longer in sync. So I wished him well and removed his presence from my life.

I am very sad. We operated like a couple who had spent years together. We met and spent lots of time with each other's families and friends and made friends with others as a couple. We live very near one another and frequented so many places that we both liked even before we met as a couple. Visiting those places alone will be difficult. There are reminders of "us" everywhere.

I guess that season has passed, which I get. I just want the grief over what was and what could have been to pass quickly.

 

[Fine 4s]

@OneShinyface

I'm sorry @OneShinyface (((hugs))) You did what many couldn't or wouldn't do so kudos to you for that!
If you're over forty, at least in my opinion, time seems to go by faster so einh, 12 months ain't to bad ((hugs)).
Also, less time to get over him woohoo!!!!

 

[LostInAdream]

@OneShinyface I feel your pain. But you are better off breaking it off now than waiting for him to get back to loving you correctly. Now you have time to take care of you. Feel all of your emotions and journal it has been helping me.

 

[sarumoki]

@OneShinyface

 

[ClassyJSP]

Hugs @OneShinyface

 

[Sosoothing]

@OneShinyface

((Hugs))
I hope the heartache is over before you know it.

 

[JFemme]

(HUGS) @OneShinyface

 

[OneShinyface]

@Fine 4s - Thank you. I'm a little beyond my 40s and I do want to remarry one day. I (as well as everyone else who knew us IRL) thought this was it. Our connection and chemistry was so easy and infectious to others. Most thought we were already married. At least I know I am able to trust and to open my heart once again after a contentious and ugly divorce.

Thank you all for the hugs - @LostInAdream - @sarumoki - @ClassyJSP - @Sosoothing @JFemme - Very much appreciated.

 

[hopeful]

(((@OneShinyface)))
Sorry things didn’t work out but honestly reading what you wrote gave me hope that I will fall in love again. Thank you for being so open and transparent. I hope the grief you are feeling passes quickly. I’m so happy for you too that you had such a good time with him while it lasted. And so proud of you for walking away when it was time. Well done all around, for taking a chance on love and for knowing when to fold ‘em and walk away.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

What was supposed to be a meeting of the moms over lunch turned into a lunch with both our moms and dads. Long story but it went very well. Better than I expected. I had some second thoughts briefly but I'm so glad I insisted this happen. SO's parents paid for the entire meal over my parents insistence of splitting it, so my mom said we'll have to do this again before our vacation, so my parents can return the favor.

Speaking of our vacation, SO is officially joining us for the latter part of it. I'm so excited! This year's been an intense one for him so I'm glad he's going to be able to relax, I get to show him a place that has a lot of significance for me and we get to have some adventures.

 

[Fine 4s]

@ScorpioBeauty09

Sounds fun! I did that a couple of years ago when we vacationed in my home country. Fun, fun, fun!
Hope it continues to flourish for you my dear....

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

@ScorpioBeauty09

Sounds fun! I did that a couple of years ago when we vacationed in my home country. Fun, fun, fun!
Hope it continues to flourish for you my dear....

Thank you!

 

[Ayesha81]

My SO calls me so were talking 15 min into the convo he says he will be at my house in ...4 min!
Yall I was a mess scarf on my head, mud mask on my face, stuffing my face with popcorn.
He does these pop ups when Im least expecting him.

 

[Kookookiwi]

Broke up with the boyfriend of 5.5 years -I know, y’all ain’t gotta say anything - about a month ago. I’ve been trying to get into this dating thing, but it is no joke!

My number one prospect turned out to be looking for a hookup and I feel drained already, lol. The other men in the rotation aren’t exciting so far. We shall see..

 

[LiftedUp]

Broke up with the boyfriend of 5.5 years

I did this last year. Met the love of my life a few weeks later and we got married a few months later. Biting that bullet was one of the best decisions I've made!

 

[Lylddlebit]

Please don't quote

@LiftedUp an @Kookookiwi
I second this. Mine is slightly different. My ex gave me an ultimatum that I refused to accommodate. Then I noticed the strangest thing. I wasn't upset about the break up. I had the most peaceful week that I had in years and I was just going about my every day business without dealing with him. That mundane week was ...Refreshing. Ex contacted me after about a week to smooth things over and I thanked him for ending things and told him we weren't getting back together. I think the narrative is so strong that "If you have a decent man you should just be grateful", instead of, "even when you have what you would consider a good black man you can call them on their crap". Ex was dropping the ball and the ultimatum was pretty much "save me or I will leave you". My response was "Peace out N****!" I mean no offense but in that moment that was the only title that fit him. Four months later I started dating DH. The next year DH and I were married.

 

[Saludable84]

I was just talking to someone about ultimatums and they are really "ego statements" as I call them. The ego lives in a normal state of fear, it can be blinding. I dont believe in them unless they are crucial, so they are usually few and far in between. When you give an ultimatum, people are never prepared for "if the person doesnt agree"; only what they will get if the person does. So when people come back after an ultimatum, they werent prepared for no. Ultimatums also cause resentment long-term, when abused. Once its lifted, that energy is so freeing that the right energy IS coming your way.

Thank you ladies.

 

[Sosoothing]

My SO calls me so were talking 15 min into the convo he says he will be at my house in ...4 min!
Yall I was a mess scarf on my head, mud mask on my face, stuffing my face with popcorn.
He does these pop ups when Im least expecting him.

How funny!
Did you manage to get presentable by the time he got there?

 

[Ayesha81]

How funny!
Did you manage to get presentable by the time he got there?

I sure did made it in time, I grabbed the scarf off my head real quick and washed off my face , lord have mercy

 

[Kookookiwi]

I did this last year. Met the love of my life a few weeks later and we got married a few months later. Biting that bullet was one of the best decisions I've made!

@Lylddlebit
Thank y’all for the encouragement!! I’ve been telling my girls no matter how much work it is, this is still more fun than my relationship was! Only wish I would’ve done it sooner.

 

[Ipanema]

My SO calls me so were talking 15 min into the convo he says he will be at my house in ...4 min!
Yall I was a mess scarf on my head, mud mask on my face, stuffing my face with popcorn.
He does these pop ups when Im least expecting him.

My first thought was he'd be waiting in his car for an hour while I got myself ready. A guy I was dating tried that, and he was mad as hell when I wouldn't open the door. He called on the phone, and I told him that I did not invite him over. I wasn't trying to be mean, but I felt it was overstepping some boundaries.

 

[kimpaur]

.....

 

[LostInAdream]

@kimpaur
Are you comfortable with setting to get him fired up before he gets in?

I would start kissing him and just grab it if he doesn't get the hint. If that's whenever you see him so be it, he’ll get in the rhythm.

 

[kimpaur]

@LostInAdream Kissing is usually my move or doing the "booty push " when cuddling

Grabbing him might be a little much for me, I'm a subtle kind of girl

 

[LiftedUp]

@kimpaur he doesnt sound into sex much and it'll only get worse. From once per week to once per month. I'd probably be straight forward with him and tell him that he need to initiate as well. Hopefully if 2 women tell him he'd realise it's true. If not then drop him.

 

[kimpaur]

@kimpaur he doesnt sound into sex much and it'll only get worse. From once per week to once per month. I'd probably be straight forward with him and tell him that he need to initiate as well. Hopefully if 2 women tell him he'd realise it's true. If not then drop him.

I think you have it a little backward, the previous gf claimed he was asking too much and now he's over compensating by asking too little for me personally. Regardless, you may be right about him having just a different sex drive.
I'm gonna talk to him about it once more and if he gets it, great, if not, ehhhh.

Eta: thinking back to a previous convo, he did say he prefers if the woman initiates bc of that. I may have agreed to it , but I've changed my mind

 

[Fine 4s]

Random I know but uhm ladies, what's a kang?

 

[kimpaur]

Random I know but uhm ladies, what's a kang?

It's a play on how bw love to call black men "kings ". "kang" is basically a man with undesirable qualities, i.e. cheater, serial baby daddy, broke etc

 

[Saludable84]

It's a play on how bw love to call black men "kings ". "kang" is basically a man with undesirable qualities, i.e. cheater, serial baby daddy, broke etc

, but somehow still manages to get women

 

[PeaceFlow]

@kimpaur

If his ex ever comes up again I'd politely and sweetly remind him that I am not his ex and I would like him to pay attention to what I like - I welcome sexual advances. Furthermore I'm much more likely to be run off by lack of interest than constant attention. He will listen.

If nothing changes then I'd be thinking theres something else going on. Low sex drive or something else...

Also what are you wearing when you are chilling with him in the evening? Wearing things that make him feel you are happy to notice you in that way may help. Even if it's just tight ass yoga pants.