Ayesha81
Well-Known Member
The blessing is soon its this Sunday.
2019 Relationship And Dating Thread
- Thread starter okange76
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The blessing is soon its this Sunday.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Ok that’s good. Keep us updated.
ScorpioBeauty09
Well-Known Member
SO and I've been talking details about money, children and weddings all week. 
Also about where we want to live because the cost of living in the Bay Area is so high. 
I would rather move inland where things are a little cheaper but still close to both sets of parents to help when children come. An engagement isn't happening until 2020 at the earliest but I'm glad we're having these discussions now. 
Especially because it's looking like we're going to have at least 2 weddings.
I'm not looking forward to SO moving out of his house soon. He's not selling it, just renting it out and moving to a cheaper place.
Looks like his mom will be meeting my mom in June. We'll see how this turns out.
Also about where we want to live because the cost of living in the Bay Area is so high. I would rather move inland where things are a little cheaper but still close to both sets of parents to help when children come. An engagement isn't happening until 2020 at the earliest but I'm glad we're having these discussions now. Especially because it's looking like we're going to have at least 2 weddings.I'm not looking forward to SO moving out of his house soon. He's not selling it, just renting it out and moving to a cheaper place.
Looks like his mom will be meeting my mom in June. We'll see how this turns out.
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kimpaur
Well-Known Member
This woman who's been married for 50 years and I got to talking. She asked me if I was married(no).She said "Good. Don't do it. You lose your sense of self. Ots bern so long i can't even remember the nsmes of my old boyfriends, which is terrible. " 
Then she told me a story where she almost got taken out by a racoon when he took her hunting
(we live in the south ).
Lol I wish our conversation hadn't got cut short.
Then she told me a story where she almost got taken out by a racoon when he took her hunting
(we live in the south ).Lol I wish our conversation hadn't got cut short.
ScorpioBeauty09
Well-Known Member
SO’s parents came by to help him move some stuff and his mom and me had a heart to heart. I don’t know if this was because she’s meeting my mom in a couple weeks and it’s sinking in that this is for real and I’m not going anywhere, but it was obvious she needed to get something off her chest.
It was an honest conversation and I understand things now that I didn’t before. I think we’re working toward a peaceful coexistence and mutual respect.
It was an honest conversation and I understand things now that I didn’t before. I think we’re working toward a peaceful coexistence and mutual respect.
Ipanema
Well-Known Member
Wow, I think those exact same thoughts. My father is coming from out of town to stay with me for a weekend, and I'm already freaking out. I want to please him by filling the kitchen with vegan foods because he's a vegan. But then I wonder if it should also be organic.
I want my guest room to be just perfect. This is all so stupid. I want my SO to be with me for emotional support, but he'll be working, and his business is first. I'm on my own.
Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
The guy who sends dinner to my house after work and always shows up at my place with cupcakes is having a bday party this week. It's at a restaurant that we've never been to before, but a live band that we really like is going to be playing there. I'm going to be a nice girl and make goodie bags for all his guests.
@Fine 4s
First, I think your feelings are valid. If I were in your situation I would feel the same way.
It sounds like your friend feeds off the attention of men. Unless you've talked to her and told her directly, in no uncertain terms that her actions bother you she probably isn't aware that what she does bothers you. Talk to her and let her know that in your eyes it seems like she is flirting with your SO and you don't like it. Then see how she conducts herself going forward.
First, I think your feelings are valid. If I were in your situation I would feel the same way.
It sounds like your friend feeds off the attention of men. Unless you've talked to her and told her directly, in no uncertain terms that her actions bother you she probably isn't aware that what she does bothers you. Talk to her and let her know that in your eyes it seems like she is flirting with your SO and you don't like it. Then see how she conducts herself going forward.
Lylddlebit
Well-Known Member
Reinventing21
Spreading my wings
@Fine 4s Your feelings were 100% valid. They are playing disrespectful games under the guise of innocence and at the expense of your naivete. Not. Cool. At. All.
You should NOT feel embarrased because you were not the one out of line. You are not insecure or have trust issues. You are angry because they gave you several blatant reasons to not trust them. Even if they have not gone further than flirting, what they are doing now is still wrong. And they know it. They are not stupid. Your friend does not sound like a friend I could tolerate.
I have a short fuse for this type of mess so they both would get deleted, but
My question to everyone is: What should she do about it so that she maintains and enforcer her dignity and respect? Is there another way to handle this so she can still have a healthy relationship with her SO?
You should NOT feel embarrased because you were not the one out of line. You are not insecure or have trust issues. You are angry because they gave you several blatant reasons to not trust them. Even if they have not gone further than flirting, what they are doing now is still wrong. And they know it. They are not stupid. Your friend does not sound like a friend I could tolerate.
I have a short fuse for this type of mess so they both would get deleted, but
My question to everyone is: What should she do about it so that she maintains and enforcer her dignity and respect? Is there another way to handle this so she can still have a healthy relationship with her SO?
LiftedUp
Well-Known Member
@Fine 4s
She is not your friend cut her off, or at the very least, the next time she meets your SO will be at the engagement party and wedding. Secondly, regardless if it is your bff, cousin or sister, do not allow your SO to spend nights alone over at their place. I used to find the latter a bit overboard until an older woman told me that tip after I got married. It echoed what I've read on this board so I'm going to heed the advice.
Oh and lastly, yes they were both being inappropriate. Any neck massages should've been deferred to you or your cousin. Same goes for walking on his back etc.
She is not your friend cut her off, or at the very least, the next time she meets your SO will be at the engagement party and wedding. Secondly, regardless if it is your bff, cousin or sister, do not allow your SO to spend nights alone over at their place. I used to find the latter a bit overboard until an older woman told me that tip after I got married. It echoed what I've read on this board so I'm going to heed the advice.
Oh and lastly, yes they were both being inappropriate. Any neck massages should've been deferred to you or your cousin. Same goes for walking on his back etc.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
(((Hugs))) @Fine 4s
@Reinventing21 re your question:
My question to everyone is: What should she do about it so that she maintains and enforcer her dignity and respect? Is there another way to handle this so she can still have a healthy relationship with her SO?
I think the only thing she can do is let both of them go. Otherwise she puts enormous pressure on herself to monitor their behavior and try to teach people how to behave like loving, respectful human beings. Which is exhausting and unfair and in the end doesn’t work. I think that both the girlfriend and SO are fully aware of what they are doing and are enjoying themselves at her expense. As someone said, they are preying on her naïveté.
I found it painful to read what she experienced with two people who are supposed to love and care about her.
@Reinventing21 re your question:
My question to everyone is: What should she do about it so that she maintains and enforcer her dignity and respect? Is there another way to handle this so she can still have a healthy relationship with her SO?
I think the only thing she can do is let both of them go. Otherwise she puts enormous pressure on herself to monitor their behavior and try to teach people how to behave like loving, respectful human beings. Which is exhausting and unfair and in the end doesn’t work. I think that both the girlfriend and SO are fully aware of what they are doing and are enjoying themselves at her expense. As someone said, they are preying on her naïveté.
I found it painful to read what she experienced with two people who are supposed to love and care about her.
Re: the bolded, I don't know that a healthy relationship with the BFF is possible since this is not the first time she has crossed boundaries. I think for OP, the best thing to do is move forward and keep BFF at a distance. Some people truly aren't aware of what they are doing. They don't pick up on social cues. Those people will fall back when spoken to and if they value the friendship. I think this friend knows that what she is doing is wrong. My guess is that the BFF is jealous and desires a relationship of her own. Its difficult to be friends with people who are jealous of you.
As for the SO, I would keep my eyes open. Whether he thought the OP's feelings were ridiculous or not, he should have established a very firm boundary between himself and the BFF. He should have made OP's feelings his top priority and he didn't.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Also, it doesn’t really matter if they are aware of what they are doing. If it’s conscious or not. If it’s intentional, malicious or not. It takes a lot of energy going down that rabbit hole, trying to figure out why people do what they do. What matters is that this makes @Fine 4s feel hurt and embarrassed. And she deserves to feel safe, respected, and loved.
Saludable84
Better Late Than Ugly
@Fine 4s, your last post is very telling. There's a reason you stopped speaking to her for two years. It sounds like she is constantly trying to trigger you. Just because "she is who she is" doesn't mean you have to compromise what you desire in a friend. She is disturbing your peace and not your friend.
shespoison
Well-Known Member
Nay
Well-Known Member
I wish a **** would ask my man for a neck massage. They would both be made to feel crazy.
Sometimes my husband has a habit of saying to people (men and women) when they call, "I was just thinking about you," blah, blah, blah. I had to correct him one time when he said that phrase to our female real estate agent. I know he didn't mean anything by it, but I don't need some other chick thinking she is heavy on my man's mind. I'm very territorial, I guess, but it is what it is. So, OP, I say all that to say, yeah, what you feel is 100 percent valid.
Sometimes my husband has a habit of saying to people (men and women) when they call, "I was just thinking about you," blah, blah, blah. I had to correct him one time when he said that phrase to our female real estate agent. I know he didn't mean anything by it, but I don't need some other chick thinking she is heavy on my man's mind. I'm very territorial, I guess, but it is what it is. So, OP, I say all that to say, yeah, what you feel is 100 percent valid.
oneastrocurlie
Well-Known Member
Asking someone else's man for a neck massage (or any of that other stuff) doesn't even cross the outer fibers of my mind. We wouldn't be friends after the lounge party. Good day Felicia.
Reinventing21
Spreading my wings
Well, I guess that these responses answer my question.
I am just wondering though, if OP falls back, waaay back AND starts dating others, would he get it together?
OR is what he is doing already a red flag for an unfaithful kind of guy and not worth it?
I am asking for the distinction because while I know I am quick to drop someone like this if in a fairly new relationship, I don't know if this type of situation is actually salvageable by someone with more/better relationship skills.
I am just wondering though, if OP falls back, waaay back AND starts dating others, would he get it together?
OR is what he is doing already a red flag for an unfaithful kind of guy and not worth it?
I am asking for the distinction because while I know I am quick to drop someone like this if in a fairly new relationship, I don't know if this type of situation is actually salvageable by someone with more/better relationship skills.
niknakmac
Well-Known Member
That girl is the perfect example of a FRENEMY. She will screw your man if he is up to it. He is not blameless here either he should have shut her down the first time she started getting out of line.
This has happened to me. Once when I was a freshman in college. My bf and supposed bff were in my hometown and I was away at school. I come back and they both told me that the other one had been calling them. My question was how did y'all get each other's number because I sure didn't give it to either one of you. I decided not to try and figure it out and dropped both of them.
Then when I was about 35 I was being a cougar and chilling with a sexy 25/26 year old. Well I moved to a new state and that was a wrap clearly I wasn't trying to have a serious relationship. Well about a month or two after I moved my good friend calls me and basically tells me she has seen him around and is going to start dating him. My question again was what kind of friend is this? He's a good ten years younger than us soooooo your willing to risk our friendship over something that probably isn't going anywhere? Anyway long story short we are still friends but she has shown me who she is which means...she wasn't in my wedding, she will never stay at my crib etc. The line has been drawn.
This has happened to me. Once when I was a freshman in college. My bf and supposed bff were in my hometown and I was away at school. I come back and they both told me that the other one had been calling them. My question was how did y'all get each other's number because I sure didn't give it to either one of you. I decided not to try and figure it out and dropped both of them.
Then when I was about 35 I was being a cougar and chilling with a sexy 25/26 year old. Well I moved to a new state and that was a wrap clearly I wasn't trying to have a serious relationship. Well about a month or two after I moved my good friend calls me and basically tells me she has seen him around and is going to start dating him. My question again was what kind of friend is this? He's a good ten years younger than us soooooo your willing to risk our friendship over something that probably isn't going anywhere? Anyway long story short we are still friends but she has shown me who she is which means...she wasn't in my wedding, she will never stay at my crib etc. The line has been drawn.
Covagirlm
CGB
@Theresamonet please share the convo that you posted about!
Lylddlebit
Well-Known Member
Well, I guess that these responses answer my question.
I am just wondering though, if OP falls back, waaay back AND starts dating others, would he get it together?
OR is what he is doing already a red flag for an unfaithful kind of guy and not worth it?
I am asking for the distinction because while I know I am quick to drop someone like this if in a fairly new relationship, I don't know if this type of situation is actually salvageable by someone with more/better relationship skills.
In my opinion people who you have to "manage" by throwing behavior out there designed to elicit a response aren't the types you can count on when you need them. A woman's vulnerability should be secure when in the possession of those who claim to love her and OP's isn't with her "friend" or her "SO". @hopeful hit the nail on the head with her response. Spot on!
Lylddlebit
Well-Known Member
@Reinventing21
It's not that the threat of a man loosing you doesn't work but who would want to be with a man who you don't have peace with... A man who constantly has to be responding to something you are doing to be who he should be to you? In order for the relationship to be worth much of anything, SO has to do right by OP because of honor or the value he places in her alone not because of fear or the threat of loosing.
It's not that the threat of a man loosing you doesn't work but who would want to be with a man who you don't have peace with... A man who constantly has to be responding to something you are doing to be who he should be to you? In order for the relationship to be worth much of anything, SO has to do right by OP because of honor or the value he places in her alone not because of fear or the threat of loosing.
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Reinventing21
Spreading my wings
@Lylddlebit I agree completely and it is easier to drop someone if the relationship is new, but I am also asking what would a woman would do if this happened while in a long established relationship including marriage where she may not want to throw everything?
Lylddlebit
Well-Known Member
@Reinventing21 I can't give you an answer that's puts it all in harmony. So I will be more direct: Accepting established malicious action towards you is mutually exclusive from dignity and self respect(no matter what the age or title of relationship is). That said, it is not your fault when someone mistreats you or takes you for granted. The onus is not on OP for what has happened to her. The power is just within her to take dignity and self respect as a parting-gift now that she knows the reality of her situation. Life is interesting like that. Many times we can believe in a thing and endure a thing for longer than necessary. We can also get the value of a lesson the first time when we choose to.
I don't want to talk around this too much because too often the blame shifts from what happens to us to what we should have done to prevent it or fix a problem that we didn't cause and we are entitled to amends for from the one who wronged us. However if I let you know how I feel. You know me well enough to be my friend or my dude. I sit down and talk to you about a problem before it reaches a boil and that has no impact on the outcome? Some things reveal truth too well to you. If I gave you suggestions on how to shift the tone of this I would be doing you and OP a disservice because I would really be showing you how to keep up appearances and provide temporary false comfort as you endure a situation that's not healthy. It being unhealthy is why it's so uncomfortable. This isn't one of those learning examples that will bond you closer and strengthen the relationship once you overcome it that would make finessing it as an "out of place moment" appropriate.
I don't want to talk around this too much because too often the blame shifts from what happens to us to what we should have done to prevent it or fix a problem that we didn't cause and we are entitled to amends for from the one who wronged us. However if I let you know how I feel. You know me well enough to be my friend or my dude. I sit down and talk to you about a problem before it reaches a boil and that has no impact on the outcome? Some things reveal truth too well to you. If I gave you suggestions on how to shift the tone of this I would be doing you and OP a disservice because I would really be showing you how to keep up appearances and provide temporary false comfort as you endure a situation that's not healthy. It being unhealthy is why it's so uncomfortable. This isn't one of those learning examples that will bond you closer and strengthen the relationship once you overcome it that would make finessing it as an "out of place moment" appropriate.
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