Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
Can you quote where she said "xyz is light skinned peoples fault"?
Why Dark Skin Black Girls Aren’t Getting Married
- Thread starter Kanky
- Start date
BrownBetty
Well-Known Member
As a dark skinned woman I empathize with all of this and have experienced some of it.
I understand the author's pain. I see it time and time again with my dark skinned girlfriends especially the ones that only date black men. It hurts to have black mem reject you over a trait that you have/had no control over, especially if you are declining the advances of other men.
I sooo appreciate my light skin Black and Hispanic girlfriends who acknowledge that colorism is an issue when it comes to black men and don't date or participate in the shenanigans of men who want to insult dark skinned women as a way of complimenting them (the women).
I understand the author's pain. I see it time and time again with my dark skinned girlfriends especially the ones that only date black men. It hurts to have black mem reject you over a trait that you have/had no control over, especially if you are declining the advances of other men.
I sooo appreciate my light skin Black and Hispanic girlfriends who acknowledge that colorism is an issue when it comes to black men and don't date or participate in the shenanigans of men who want to insult dark skinned women as a way of complimenting them (the women).
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natural in ATL
15+ years natural
I completely understand not wanting compliments from others to be frequently associated with food or focused on your skin color.
This is the only thing that confused me - she wrote:
Sharlene expressed her frustrations with her beauty being seen as skin deep. “We can’t get just get a regular compliment,” she laments. “I know that people think that calling me chocolate all the time, or talking about ‘your skin is beautiful’ is a compliment. But why can’t I just be beautiful?”
I hear what she and Dr Hunter are saying, but my choices are few.
However, in her own IG post she refers to herself as “Godiva girl” and added three chocolate bar emojis to her caption. She’s focusing on it herself, but she’d prefer others not acknowledge it?
I’m definitely not trying to discredit her viewpoint, but rather I’m trying to understand.
This is the only thing that confused me - she wrote:
Sharlene expressed her frustrations with her beauty being seen as skin deep. “We can’t get just get a regular compliment,” she laments. “I know that people think that calling me chocolate all the time, or talking about ‘your skin is beautiful’ is a compliment. But why can’t I just be beautiful?”
I hear what she and Dr Hunter are saying, but my choices are few.
However, in her own IG post she refers to herself as “Godiva girl” and added three chocolate bar emojis to her caption. She’s focusing on it herself, but she’d prefer others not acknowledge it?
I’m definitely not trying to discredit her viewpoint, but rather I’m trying to understand.
Theresamonet
Well-Known Member
I’ve been called redbone/yellow bone, but never any food names. 
ETA: Watch now that I wrote that, I’m going to get called a bushel of oats or something tomorrow.
ETA: Watch now that I wrote that, I’m going to get called a bushel of oats or something tomorrow.
BrickbyBrick
Well-Known Member
It's hard out there. Her points are valid. I watched as my highly attractive cousins (like no lie, one has been asked to model the other speaks Japanese and is an ivy league graduate with an MBA) struggle to find someone they liked. They got attention but it was either the wrong kind or the guys were clearly unfit. It was only when one changed her setting (moved to another state) and she signed up for a dating site did things start to change. She married outside of her race and she is truly happy.
Colorism and its effects on darker black women are so obvious. At this point I think that it is just gaslighting when people deny these experiences. Every single darker black woman that I know has experienced colorism and social media has let us all see black men disparaging dark skinned women. Yet still there is denial that this is a problem, blame for the women who experience this and lighter women claiming to be the victims.
I am not dark skinned and no one has ever said anything negative to me about my skin tone. Still, as an unambiguously black woman I would benefit from darker black women being seen as beautiful and desirable. An anti-black scale of desirability that puts darker skinned women at the bottom does not truly benefit any black woman. The scale that puts light skinned black women above dark skinned women also put biracials, Latinas, Asians and white women above light skinned black women.
I am not dark skinned and no one has ever said anything negative to me about my skin tone. Still, as an unambiguously black woman I would benefit from darker black women being seen as beautiful and desirable. An anti-black scale of desirability that puts darker skinned women at the bottom does not truly benefit any black woman. The scale that puts light skinned black women above dark skinned women also put biracials, Latinas, Asians and white women above light skinned black women.
LivingInPeace
Well-Known Member
I really don’t think she said light skinned women were the problem.
I also don’t think your individual story is the same as what dark skinned women as a group experience.
Glad she ain't overweight or have another situation b/c the personal responsibility angle is always coming up....it reminds me of racism. Racism can't exist because of Obama. If you are discriminated against then it must be something else....
I have have two step brothers and a dad who have told me their preferences. No woman besides me who is not lighter than a brown bag ever cross their doors. I wish I could have not been exposed to that foolishness.
It now takes a lot for me to believe people are not racist and colorist at their core. I have to work hard. Even my own mother still talk about the pretty girl with the good hair.
There is plenty of research that bears this out and I dont know why people have a hard time admitting colonialism affects us.
Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
There is no quote, that's the implication throughout the passage.
Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
I agree and likewise, her individual story is not the same as other groups that do not feel this particular way.
Charmingchick1
Well-Known Member
I really wish we could discuss the issues that dark skinned black women face without all of the denial and other nonsense. It’s exhausting. It seems like we are only going backwards.
dicapr
Well-Known Member
I don’t think it’s denial. It the idea that being dark skinned is the defining reason why they aren’t successful in finding a partner that people are rejecting.
Being overweight, unattractive, having a disability are also barriers to finding a partner but everyday we see fat, ugly, chronically ill /disabled individuals in relationships.
Yes there is colorism. Yes some ignorant black folks will pass over a good mate based on skin color. Is being dark THE defining reason for you being seen as unattractive or chronically single-no.
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
Black women of all shade ranges have no problem loudly and proudly telling the world that they don't want nothing but a dark skinned man yet those same women find it hard to believe that black men will tell dark skinned women that they only like light skinned women. The author quoted dating experts and referenced her own experience but the greater response is it's still got to be something wrong with her even though the face is beat and the body is tight.
Browndilocks
Browndisha Brownie Sundae
Aww man... well bein that I really like the posters in this thread, I can accept the difference in views, tip my hat to yall and kim.
dicapr
Well-Known Member
Who questioned her experience? What I am questioning as a black woman who isn’t light skinned is her assertion that this is “THE” reason for her singleness. Yes it is an obstacle that should not exist. Yes some men are ignorant enough to think one feature (skin color) is the end all be all of attractiveness and will tell her to her face. But to put her skin color as THE reason of her singleness just isn’t true.
I’m not pretty-that’s life. It puts me at a disadvantage. I’ve had people come up to my sister and tell her how beautiful she was while I was standing there. No it wasn’t great for my self esteem. But to pretend that “ THE” reason I’m single because I’m not pretty is not true. There are plenty unattractive women married, in long term relationships,ect.
Jasmataz
.........
If this dark skinned woman can share her perspective, why can’t others share theirs without it being called denial?
Of course colorism exists, I’ve experienced it myself. But I don’t think it’s fair for her to say...
I sympathize with this young woman, but she’s not merely sharing her personal experience. She’s taking the damage that she has experienced as a dark skinned woman and is projecting it on to all dark skinned women.
Let’s say there was an article titled “Why Black People Aren’t Getting Degrees” written by an uneducated black person, and somewhere in the article it said “we are uneducated, unless we receive handouts.” Now, despite the fact that there are many black people who do in fact need handouts due to racism, poverty, marginalization, etc., most black people (especially on here) wouldn’t agree with such an overgeneralization. Well, as a dark skinned woman, I don’t agree with the ones being made by the author of the article in the op.
People feeling that way means they’re in denial?
Of course colorism exists, I’ve experienced it myself. But I don’t think it’s fair for her to say...
Because it is simply not true for all of us.
I sympathize with this young woman, but she’s not merely sharing her personal experience. She’s taking the damage that she has experienced as a dark skinned woman and is projecting it on to all dark skinned women.
Let’s say there was an article titled “Why Black People Aren’t Getting Degrees” written by an uneducated black person, and somewhere in the article it said “we are uneducated, unless we receive handouts.” Now, despite the fact that there are many black people who do in fact need handouts due to racism, poverty, marginalization, etc., most black people (especially on here) wouldn’t agree with such an overgeneralization. Well, as a dark skinned woman, I don’t agree with the ones being made by the author of the article in the op.
People feeling that way means they’re in denial?
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LostInAdream
Well-Known Member
I have a thing for noses as well. I can’t be involved with people who have ugly noses
. It throws off the whole face. It’s the first thing I notice and compliment people on.On topic:
I’m regular brown but the darkest in my immediate family and I was married before all of the women in my age group. I was 28 when I got married and my aunt the lightest of us all who is just 7 years older wasn’t married yet. My aunt the same completion as me but is in her mid 40’s and engaged before her sisters and she’s the oldest and darkest of her siblings.
Granted none of this proves anything other than ole girl has issues with herself and is the reason she’s not married or involved with anyone. She’s attractive with a nice body so clearly it’s her personality or woe is me disposition.
I hate colorism and avoid anyone who treats or acts better than anyone based on things trivial things that cannot be controlled.
30% of college educated black men marrying white or other but people are shocked that other black men prefer lighter black women.
So we can’t even talk about colorism and how it affects dark skinned women because there may be some other reason why a particular dark skinned woman isn’t married? This reminds me of conversations with white people about racism. The racism can not be discussed because some black person somewhere did something wrong and instead we should all focus on that.
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
The bolded is questioning her experience but I'll allow it to make the point. If it's not her skin color then you tell me why she's single.
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
Occam's razor is the problem-solving principle that essentially states that "simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones." When presented with competing hypotheses to solve a problem, one should select the solution with the fewest assumptions.
dicapr
Well-Known Member
She looks good on paper, true. But we have no idea of her personality, her taste in men (picker may be off), it could be where she is searching for men, or she might reek of desperation. We are taking her word for it that the main reason she is single is skin color.
Internet dating is scary and not for the faint of heart. I wouldn’t put myself out there to be judged solely on my looks because physically I wouldn’t pass the test.
natural in ATL
15+ years natural
But that's all we can do, right? Take her word for it? Anything else is speculation. I choose to believe and empathize with her vs. try to figure out what else might be wrong with her.
Maracujá
November 2020 --> 14 years natural!!!
#issaword
dicapr
Well-Known Member
Ok. I am just someone who is considered not physically attractive by many people. I decided to work toward being a attractive individual by how I interact/ relate to people. I try to make people enjoy being around me. I am starting see they pay off in my interactions with men.
If it was simply that I wasn’t traditionally attractive the changes I made to how I interact with men or how I carry myself wouldn’t have mattered. I wouldn’t have seen a positive change in the interactions I was having. Yes it was my looks but I was also some personal things I needed to get straightened out before men started noticing me.
Crackers Phinn
Either A Blessing Or A Lesson.
There's no reason to not take her word for it.
"I didn’t think I would ever have to use a dating app, but men don’t talk to me any other way."
She doesn't just look good on paper. She looks good in a bikini and yet men don't approach her. Can't talk about a picker being off if there's no men approaching to be picked. Her personality doesn't matter if men aren't approaching to get to know her. In every other thread, it's men are visual creatures. Here it can't possibly be that they don't like what they see even though the package is the right shape.
natural in ATL
15+ years natural
And I believe and empathize with you too. Kudos for the self evaluation and resulting changes. Glad to hear that it's paying off!
Colorism is real. However, the standards for a dark skin girl is different than lighter skin. My best friend is light and plump with the hair but home girl has 3 guys on speed dial. However, the darker the hue go the more perfection she has to have.
I wish these discussion could stop picking on the individual and talk about ways to be more inclusive of all black women and their bodies. For everyone of us to use whatever power we have to uplift all black women and demand the media include us all.
At the end of the day while we ignore this issue then latinas and tanned whites will be the fill ins. I will not argue against.
We should just hope for inclusion and representation and acceptance for everyone.
dicapr
Well-Known Member
It does. That was one of the areas I had to work on for myself. Looking pleasant, smiling, a hello as I passed. That has translates to smiles, conversation, men trying to get to know me better.
True not being pretty isn’t the same as being dark skinned but women who are not seen as traditionally attractive can’t go fishing with the same bait as pretty women.
Putting on a cute outfit isn’t enough for us.
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