What does it say when a man won't pay for dinner?
- Thread starter frida1980
- Start date
If you want to pre-screen or pre-date, which is beyond me, then you won't take a person to dinner. To me dinner implies a date, which impiles whoever is asking is paying. If a dude would want to screen me, then we should meet at Starbucks. When I was out dating, I always suggested Starbucks, and it worked out pretty well. Some guys ask me to dinner after the Starbucks encounter some didn't, oh well. I have had 30 minuter Starbucks meetings and 3 hour Starbucks meeting. Plus Starbucks was safe because there was always people there.
Also age has a lot to do with it. Ok, a 20 yo, college student may not be able to spring for a dinner date unless it is at McDonalds, but he should be able to take you to get some Rita's then sit in the park and feed the ducks. I am thinking of things from my POV, a nearly 40 something yo, who has a little sumptin sumptin going on. I wish a ninja would ASK ME OUT then expect me to pay.
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No, the better question is what do we expect? I firmly believe at the end of the day ALL women want a support system and a foundation. You're looking for a partner. Whether he makes the money or you make the money, at the end of the day you're looking for someone to let you know they've got your back, that they are going to do everything in their power to make sure that you only fall so far. Even the extreme "I don't need a man" types deep down use that as a defense mechanism for the realization that few men are going to meet their standards and even fewer men are going to try.
How many of us, here on this board, preaching advice have let our legitimate standards (cuz we're not talking about that 6'0" tall, with hair like El Debarge and skin like Morris Chestnut nonsense) slip because we wanted to be with a certain dude? And how many of those relationships worked out in the long run?NONE. Not a damn one.
And how many marriages between a succesful woman and a man who can NOT provide last (note that i didn't say anything about relative income. A man can make less than a woman and still be a provider.)? NONE. Not a damn one.
We need to stop being afraid to have some legitimate expectations. Just like kids respond to boundaries, men respond to expectations. Don't be afraid to have some.
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qchelle
Well-Known Member
Listen: men are always supposed to pay for everything always all the time forever for everything always. Women are supposed to smile and wear skirts, dammit, skirts!
Also, college students' only options for eating/dates are: pizza, Chinese food, coffee, and McDonald's. That.is.allllll.
No, but really. Imo, it depends on the situation and that blurb didn't give enough information for me.
(I'm seriously about to go order some Chinese food though
)
Also, college students' only options for eating/dates are: pizza, Chinese food, coffee, and McDonald's. That.is.allllll.
No, but really. Imo, it depends on the situation and that blurb didn't give enough information for me.
(I'm seriously about to go order some Chinese food though
)
Theo
New Member
RoxyScores
Okay just b/c I'm really curious and I have to ask.
Do you feel that stripping, in a way, kind of puts your body up for sale? Cuz your stance on this is really strong. I'm not trying to be snarky, I know you're studying in the area of Women's Studies so I really want to hear your opinion.
ebonylocs
New Member
Hmmm. That is a very *transactional* view of female sexuality.
SHE was the one who asked him out.
MizAvalon
Well-Known Member
Won't pay? HAHA...I can't even imagine that. What'd he do when the bill came? Just sit there and look at his date like "what??"?? Pretend like he didn't notice that the bill has come?? Get up and walk to the bathroom and wait for his date outside?
If a man won't pay for a romantic date, it says he has no pride as a man.
I'm tired of men acting like paying on a date is an option "maybe I will, maybe I won't". We need to be raising our sons to believe that paying for a date, especially in the beginning, is PART OF DATING. It's not an option. If its a date, its what you do. If a woman offers to pay or suggests paying, that's a bonus, but it is not to be expected nor assumed.
Completely agree with this. I have not nor will I ever pay for a date and I dare a man to even fix his mouth to ask me.
Once in a committed relationship, I may treat every so often but paying for dates is his responsibility.
sunnieb
Well-Known Member
Just friends hanging out (especially if I ask first) - I'll pay my own way every time.
Romantic date - Ol' boy needs to pay. I thought about when dh and I were dating. I NEVER paid for any meals we ate together. Like other posters have said, I did other things for him without him having to ask (i.e. buying his favorite cologne for no reason, cutting his hair, picking up things he needs, looking extremely good just for him, etc.). Even now, when we go out to eat he gets the checks. Doesn't matter that it's all our money. He doesn't want me to even reach for my purse and have anyone even THINK that he's not providing for his wife!
ThickHair, girl I can tell from your posts that we are in the same age bracket. I may be married, but if I were dating, I wish a **** would try to step up to me for a date and expect me to pay. Shoo, golddigger my behind!
Romantic date - Ol' boy needs to pay. I thought about when dh and I were dating. I NEVER paid for any meals we ate together. Like other posters have said, I did other things for him without him having to ask (i.e. buying his favorite cologne for no reason, cutting his hair, picking up things he needs, looking extremely good just for him, etc.). Even now, when we go out to eat he gets the checks. Doesn't matter that it's all our money. He doesn't want me to even reach for my purse and have anyone even THINK that he's not providing for his wife!
ThickHair, girl I can tell from your posts that we are in the same age bracket.
I may be married, but if I were dating, I wish a **** would try to step up to me for a date and expect me to pay. Shoo, golddigger my behind!
That's what we all want, afaictI'ma cut this guy a little slack because he's a college student and she was the one who suggested they go out. If it was a romantic date and he asked first and they were adults, I'd say he should pay, at least the first couple of times.
nappystorm
Well-Known Member
How did my name get on that quote you used!?!?!? Oh no ma'am. I would never utter such a thing!
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Sweet C
Well-Known Member
That he dooesn't need to be dating.
The girl's first mistake was asking him out in the first place, b/c if he were truly interested, he would have asked her out. but thats a whole nother story.
A good friend of mine has a brother who a lot of my female friends are interested in. They have been trying to get his attention, but he hasn't responded to any of them. Finally, his sister asked him about it. And he stated he is currently unemployed, and though he is searching for work, and he isn't broke, he isn't in any position to be able to take care of a woman, so therefore he is not asking anyone out. Makes perfect sense to me.
I understand if you are in college, and you don't have a lot of money. that means if you are going to date you need to be a bit more creative. I also dont like the tone of it, after the date he told her what her half would be. shoot, my male friends have treated me better than this guy who is seemingly a romantic interest. Maybe Im old school or old fashioned but I have never had a problem with guys paying for dates in HS or college. And if they were the type that resented it or didnt want to then they were just not the guy for me. I have paid for a guy before or went dutch, but that only occurs if we are just friends solely or we are in an established rlp and in all honesty it wasnt often, b/c like another poster said and this applies to my DH as well, he never wanted for it to seem like that he cant take care of his woman.
The girl's first mistake was asking him out in the first place, b/c if he were truly interested, he would have asked her out. but thats a whole nother story.
A good friend of mine has a brother who a lot of my female friends are interested in. They have been trying to get his attention, but he hasn't responded to any of them. Finally, his sister asked him about it. And he stated he is currently unemployed, and though he is searching for work, and he isn't broke, he isn't in any position to be able to take care of a woman, so therefore he is not asking anyone out. Makes perfect sense to me.
I understand if you are in college, and you don't have a lot of money. that means if you are going to date you need to be a bit more creative. I also dont like the tone of it, after the date he told her what her half would be. shoot, my male friends have treated me better than this guy who is seemingly a romantic interest. Maybe Im old school or old fashioned but I have never had a problem with guys paying for dates in HS or college. And if they were the type that resented it or didnt want to then they were just not the guy for me. I have paid for a guy before or went dutch, but that only occurs if we are just friends solely or we are in an established rlp and in all honesty it wasnt often, b/c like another poster said and this applies to my DH as well, he never wanted for it to seem like that he cant take care of his woman.
ambergirl
Well-Known Member
Listen: men are always supposed to pay for everything always all the time forever for everything always. Women are supposed to smile and wear skirts, dammit, skirts!
Also, college students' only options for eating/dates are: pizza, Chinese food, coffee, and McDonald's. That.is.allllll.
No, but really. Imo, it depends on the situation and that blurb didn't give enough information for me.
(I'm seriously about to go order some Chinese food though
If he asked her out he should treat on the first date so he should pick something he can afford. Subsequent dates are up for negotiation in my opinion.
I was just listening to this thing on NPR on dating last week and two or three guys (who sounded white) called in to complain about how women have unrealistic expectations about men paying all the time. Not only did women want men to pay, they also only wanted to go to the finest restaurants. SMH. I'm sure tons of women miss out on great guys by demanding that they empty their wallets for the honor of spending time with them
It is ridiculous when you think about it. If you're dating someone for months or years and your both financially in the same boat why would you expect him to pay all the time for everything?
I missed that too. She is dead wrong.
Man paying all the time? Case by case basis and up to the individuals involved.
Man paying in the beginning for dates he initiates? Non-negotiable. If I decide I'd like to contribute in some way, that's a bonus. And chances are, the more fun I'm having, the more likely I am to want to contribute (i.e. you get dinner, I'll get the wine; you got dinner, I'll pay for us to go to the Jazz bar etc).
Let's be honest, going dutch is not a modern relationship. A modern relationship is this. Adding a guy on FB. Your first date, is a nightly chat session. You also, browse his pictures and his friends to know if you like him. Then you really get intimate and Skype each other. Then you're texting at all hours. And then you sext each other. Finally, he changes his status on FB to in a relationship with you! That's most wonderful thing in the world to a lot of girls.
Actually, I know several girls that have relationships just like this. My besty would text me with all the details of his cell phone calls, face book chats, and texts. This drove me insane. I asked her more than once, when were any of these guys going to take her OUT. She gave me the brush off and invited them to her home for her cooking. Sometimes she wouldn't see them for weeks at a time. Some girls are easily pleased I guess. Actually, I took her out more and paid for her most of the time. She normally needed some cheering up when she was going through a break-up or rough patch.
To be fair, this guy sounded like a shy college white guy who was inexperienced with dealing with woman. Even though, he was ranting about having to pay, he was clueless how to deal with a situation like that. Dating is subtle. When she said, we should hang out again, he didn't know that meant "suggest coffee or coming over" he went straight for the dinner, which automatically changes things. If it's coffee, it's casual. If it's lunch, it's also casual. If it's dinner, the tone changes. So, I'm willing to cut the guy some slack for his faux pas.
What I'm not willing to forgive, is him saying at the end "I hate it when a girl expects you to pay." What is he saying exactly? Does he hate to pay? Does he hate the fact that he has to pay? Does he want to do dutch every time? Does he think girls are being unfair? Does he think girls are being gold-diggers? What ever he meant, it just irritates me. And now that FB is changing things to the point where people's relationship is mash of chats, text, and pics, it upsets me when "modern" guys dislike sweet traditions like paying for another girl. But then I just stare at my BF's relationships and realize, it doesn't get much better from there.
Actually, I know several girls that have relationships just like this. My besty would text me with all the details of his cell phone calls, face book chats, and texts. This drove me insane. I asked her more than once, when were any of these guys going to take her OUT. She gave me the brush off and invited them to her home for her cooking. Sometimes she wouldn't see them for weeks at a time. Some girls are easily pleased I guess. Actually, I took her out more and paid for her most of the time. She normally needed some cheering up when she was going through a break-up or rough patch.
To be fair, this guy sounded like a shy college white guy who was inexperienced with dealing with woman. Even though, he was ranting about having to pay, he was clueless how to deal with a situation like that. Dating is subtle. When she said, we should hang out again, he didn't know that meant "suggest coffee or coming over" he went straight for the dinner, which automatically changes things. If it's coffee, it's casual. If it's lunch, it's also casual. If it's dinner, the tone changes. So, I'm willing to cut the guy some slack for his faux pas.
What I'm not willing to forgive, is him saying at the end "I hate it when a girl expects you to pay." What is he saying exactly? Does he hate to pay? Does he hate the fact that he has to pay? Does he want to do dutch every time? Does he think girls are being unfair? Does he think girls are being gold-diggers? What ever he meant, it just irritates me. And now that FB is changing things to the point where people's relationship is mash of chats, text, and pics, it upsets me when "modern" guys dislike sweet traditions like paying for another girl. But then I just stare at my BF's relationships and realize, it doesn't get much better from there.
HollyGolightly
Well-Known Member
No, I don't feel like I'm putting my self up for sale. Yes, I'm using my body to provide a service, but that's no different than a hairdresser using their hands to cut hair. The only reason why people would call it "selling your body" is because they have weird guilt/shame issues about their own naked body.
At my job I'm not trading real sexual favors, I'm flirting and dancing while naked. Like any job, it's well understood that customers have to pay us for our time. But in my real life, I have genuine relationships. I demand equal treatment and refuse to take a submissive role in relationships. I'm not trying to get anything out of men because I'm more than able to take care of myself. It's f*cked up that women are mainly valued for their youth and beauty and I won't use my femine wiles to take advantage of men in my real life. I'll only use them fairly, in the club where men know what to expect.
I enjoy subverting gender roles and get a kick out of switching between femme/submissive and masculine/dominant at work. I think my job's made me a better feminist. I've spent so much time with men, experienced patriarchy firsthand. I've seen them be ugly, controlling and competitive. But also I've seen men at their most vulnerable, have gotten paid to hold them while they cry and listen to their secrets. I have a much better understanding of masculinty now.
NYAmicas
Seeker
It says he wont be getting a second date!
It really is that simple, some women are cool with a guy who wants to split the check and so on but I expect the man to pay when he asks me out and I have no interest in any cheapskate who wants MY time but doesnt want to pay for my meal. Bump that. He can sit his butt at home and hit me up on FB while I go out with a guy that will treat me to a night on the town.
It really is that simple, some women are cool with a guy who wants to split the check and so on but I expect the man to pay when he asks me out and I have no interest in any cheapskate who wants MY time but doesnt want to pay for my meal. Bump that. He can sit his butt at home and hit me up on FB while I go out with a guy that will treat me to a night on the town.
greight
Well-Known Member
greight
Well-Known Member
I like this...While my love for food has no bounds, I like a nice "starter" date or get together.
Theo
New Member
that's interesting. there are ppl who would consider stripping a sexual favor, but clearly you're not one of them and that's fine. i don't agree that viewing stripping as "selling your body" means that you have some guilt/shame about your own body lol... i think that's reaching. but the rest of your post was interesting.
its good that you're empowered in your personal relationships. i wasn't trying to imply that as a stripper that shouldn't be the case.
Wow, some of yall.....So if a dude has no money, he shouldn't date? This is crazy. Lack of money should not preculde a man from being datable. Dude is in university, it's not like he's a janitor with no prospects. He's a poor student and is not in the position to afford to pay for someone elses meal. No wonder men see us as gold diggers with attitudes like some ive seen on this board. As a person who was single for damn near 5 years, I always insisted on paying my way. I don't see why a dude should pick up the tab esp as I know I'm not going to see him again and I am a working woman. I want to be able to leave the date and happily ignore your calls without dude feeling like I owe him something.
A man should not have to pay for my meal just because I dressed up and gave him nice conversation. You may as well sell yourselves as far as I'm concerned. If you dress up, you should do it for you first, and if dude appreciates it, then great, but acting like he owes you something because you dressed up is just plain wrong. And if you cant be polite during a date without expecting someone to pay your way, then you shouldn't be dating at all. I'm sorry to say, that I'm really disappointed that this is how you really think. SMDH
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Kalani
Well-Known Member
LOL! Wow, I'm so behind the times
. Seriously though if this is really how it's how going down nowadays for youngins in the dating world, I feel so sorry for them.
nappystorm
Well-Known Member
My responses are in red.
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~Sparklingflame~
New Member
Summa ya'll setting yourselves up to be in some messed up future situations and thats all Imm say about that.
I was pretty mad when I posted that, but the real way I feel about a date this this. During a date, this is a guy's chance to make a sales pitch. It's like interviewing someone. And wants me to take my precious time to see if he's worth buying. So we both enter a neutral arena with both of us being presentable. We try to charm each other. If he's still interested, he'll close the sale with paying for dinner. To me that signifies that this was worth his time. If not, it means he's not really interested. If I decided to pay my portion and insist on it, that means "no sale" or I'm not interested. If not, it means I'm still considering you. It's has nothing to do with sale of body. It's just a chance for a guy who's interested in your to have a solid 2 hours to have you to himself and make his case. Him using basic chivalry helps his case immensely, and not using it can lose him the sale entirely.
Did you read the rest of the post? The stuff about the Geisha? Honestly, it's not that hard to understand. If I don't like a guy, I will rush to pay for the check. If I let him pay, it's an obvious sign I like him too. If he wants to be more casual and have us go dutch, this means he's a friend. Why should I put any extra effort into someone that's just a friend? If I'm with a friend, I will take calls and text in front of them. I don't feel the need to be polite or behaved in friends. In a way this is better since he gets to see what I'll inevitably will be like once we get in a more relaxed stage. But seeing me at my most refined? I do that at conferences, business meetings, weddings, dinners, etc, times when I have to be on point. A date is a formal setting. If I like the guy, it means I give it a greater degree of importance. If he feels the same, he'll show me properly.
I think you'd benefit from the online relationships I described before. Where you add a man to your FB page, chat for a while and decide there and then if it's worth it. If not, just unfriend him. That way you don't have to worry about owing him something or wanting to ignore him. It's what a lot of people are doing and it seems like what you really want in a relationship.
nappystorm
Well-Known Member
I don't either. Most of the time the server will just put the ticket together and place it in front of the man. I don't say a word, reach for the ticket, etc. I will toss an additional tip on the table for the server though.
simplertimes
Well-Known Member
Ladies, ladies please don't fall for the "new age" thinking when it comes to men. If a man is really into you, he will make sure that he pays for the first date at the VERY LEAST.
If not, he is NOT a keeper. Ain't no 50/50 when you are trying to impress a lady.
Have you ever dated a man after you payed half for the first date or for the whole thing? From my observations, you end up being the pursuer and head of the relationship. If you are someone that likes having that position good for you
If not, he is NOT a keeper. Ain't no 50/50 when you are trying to impress a lady.
Have you ever dated a man after you payed half for the first date or for the whole thing? From my observations, you end up being the pursuer and head of the relationship. If you are someone that likes having that position good for you
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