Thread for the heartbroken

[BlueEra]

My abusive ex has been trying to reach out to me and it's so ugh.

This many was so emotionally and physically abusive toward me that he severely messed up my self-esteem and damaged by psyche so much. He used me as a placeholder (and for a place to stay) until his ex girlfriend finally took him back. He cheated on me with her. She knew about me. It shattered my world. The whole thing really disgusts me. He tries so hard to manipulate situations and he's a major compulsive liar.

Him contacting me is nothing good. I wish he would leave me alone.

 

[Bklynqueen]

My abusive ex has been trying to reach out to me and it's so ugh.

This many was so emotionally and physically abusive toward me that he severely messed up my self-esteem and damaged by psyche so much. He used me as a placeholder (and for a place to stay) until his ex girlfriend finally took him back. He cheated on me with her. She knew about me. It shattered my world. The whole thing really disgusts me. He tries so hard to manipulate situations and he's a major compulsive liar.

Him contacting me is nothing good. I wish he would leave me alone.

Did you ever block him after breaking up and if so, how was he able to contact you? Was this through mobile or social media?

 

[BlueEra]

Did you ever block him after breaking up and if so, how was he able to contact you? Was this through mobile or social media?

I blocked him but he changes his number sporadically, so it's hard to keep track, and it's partly why I screen my calls. He's very unstable and has some mental issues, along with being a hardcore narcissist.

The only reason I even really texted was because now that I work from home a lot, people from my job will call me on my cell phone and I don't always save the numbers.

I have a protective order against him and technically, he's in violation of it and his probation, so if I wanted to, I could get him into a lot of trouble.

He shows no remorse for anything he's ever done to me. He told me on various occasions that I deserved it after a choking incident where his brother had to get him off of me after he took the keys to my car and I tried to get them back. Another time after he beat me, I lost the hearing in my left ear for a couple of months (this is what got him charged). I also had a bruise on the side of my face from where he hit me. He told people I was exxagerating my wounds for sympathy and that they weren't "that bad."

 

[Bklynqueen]

I blocked him but he changes his number sporadically, so it's hard to keep track, and it's partly why I screen my calls. He's very unstable and has some mental issues, along with being a hardcore narcissist.

The only reason I even really texted was because now that I work from home a lot, people from my job will call me on my cell phone and I don't always save the numbers.

I have a protective order against him and technically, he's in violation of it and his probation, so if I wanted to, I could get him into a lot of trouble.

He shows no remorse for anything he's ever done to me. He told me on various occasions that I deserved it after a choking incident where his brother had to get him off of me after he took the keys to my car and I tried to get them back. Another time after he beat me, I lost the hearing in my left ear for a couple of months (this is what got him charged). I also had a bruise on the side of my face from where he hit me. He told people I was exxagerating my wounds for sympathy and that they weren't "that bad."

I'm so sorry you're going through this hun, I can't even imagine the stress. I think you should change your cell number and make sure it's not listed on social media. Do you live in the same residence where you resided when you were together and if so, do you have someone staying with you or are you by yourself? He sounds very scary and I'm concerned about your safety.

 

[BlueEra]

I'm so sorry you're going through this hun, I can't even imagine the stress. I think you should change your cell number and make sure it's not listed on social media. Do you live in the same residence where you resided when you were together and if so, do you have someone staying with you or are you by yourself? He sounds very scary and I'm concerned about your safety.

Thank you for your concern. I do appreciate it a lot. I've been thinking of changing my number so I may do that. It's the only means he has for being able to communicate with me. I still live in the same building, just not the same unit I was in. It's very secure for the most part. Guests have to be buzzed in and checked in by a guard and we have cameras all over.

I live alone but I feel relatively safe. I have one of those latches on my door like they do in hotels, so if anyone were to try to open it, they wouldn't be able to get through (unless they used some serious force like kicking the door in, which by the time they succeeded, police would hopefully be here since the station is only a block away).

I don't think he's crazy enough to get himself into more trouble to get locked up again, but he's surprised me so much that I wouldn't put it past him. Sigh.

 

[Bklynqueen]

Thank you for your concern. I do appreciate it a lot. I've been thinking of changing my number so I may do that. It's the only means he has for being able to communicate with me. I still live in the same building, just not the same unit I was in. It's very secure for the most part. Guests have to be buzzed in and checked in by a guard and we have cameras all over.

I live alone but I feel relatively safe. I have one of those latches on my door like they do in hotels, so if anyone were to try to open it, they wouldn't be able to get through (unless they used some serious force like kicking the door in, which by the time they succeeded, police would hopefully be here since the station is only a block away).

I don't think he's crazy enough to get himself into more trouble to get locked up again, but he's surprised me so much that I wouldn't put it past him. Sigh.

Please change your number pronto. He may get braver knowing that his messages are being received and try other things to get your attention. Please make sure the security guard knows what he looks like so he can't try to get in. Crazy people are not scared of police.

 

[MzLady78]

I can't figure out how yo mention you MzLady78 but what you are feeling is so normal. You are grieving the loss of a person, an idea, love. There will be days that you feel like you feel and other days you will feel so light. One day you'll only ever feel light. Feel your feelings, be angry, be mad, be sad, be happy. It's all apart of the process. You'll get through it.

Thanks @TCatt86

I think I back slid into rage after talking to my ex. Today it's back to sad, I've been crying literally since I woke up. It's a terrible feeling to find out that you were the last to know about something that caused you so much pain. That all that time, while I was still in love with him, he'd moved on to her. Everything that could break your heart, this one dude managed to do them all to me and I will never understand it. I will never understand what about her made it worth turning the love I had for him into hate, what made it worth destroying all the good memories I had of us, because I no longer know what was real and what was pretend since he's such a liar.

 

[MzLady78]

@BlueEra, I'm so sorry you're dealing this. I agree with @Bklynqueen about changing your number and making sure security is aware.

Please be careful and don't put ANYTHING past him.

 

[hopeful]

...
Everything that could break your heart, this one dude managed to do them all to me and I will never understand it. I will never understand what about her made it worth turning the love I had for him into hate, what made it worth destroying all the good memories I had of us, because I no longer know what was real and what was pretend since he's such a liar.

If you stick with the therapy you will eventually gain understanding about what you went through. This is not black and white and it is NOT what you currently think it is right now. Stick with the therapy, do the work, practice Extreme Self Care, meditate, and keep moving forward.

 

[BrownSkinPoppin]

About 3 weeks ago I found out he was cheating on me. Why is it that when I decided that I'm officially over it I get sucked back into his crap? Ugh.

I was so livid that after work I drove to his house to confront him about it. I saw his car parked outside of his house so I called him. He didn't answer but sent me a text talking about he's working the overnight shift at the hospital and can't talk on the phone. He could only text. LIES. So I told him a small portion of what I knew about his infidelities and he vehemently denied it. But while denying it the truth about other lies he's told came out. He's so stupid. When I hit him with the indisputable facts he stopped texting me back. So I got my answer.

The ONLY thing that stopped me from driving back over to his house and smashing every.single.window and windshield out of his car was one of my Christian friends who talked me out of it. Because I was two seconds away from buying a bat. I did leave him a nasty voicemail telling him that I hope God gets him back on my behalf haha. Oops. HE is still working on me.

He's CONSTANTLY in my IG stories even though I unfollowed him from all social media accounts when I ended things in July. I blocked him on FB but he still follows me on IG.

Fast forward to yesterday. He's all in my IG stories again. My friend went to his page and it's no longer private so we saw all his posts. We saw a recent video of him lip syncing the chorus of this Rich Homie Quan song called "Heartless" all I could do was laugh because it's so fitting.

I can't believe this is the same man who talked about marriage and children with me. I'm so glad God showed me what is was.


I really need to block him from my IG though because I'm tired of him being all on my profile. But I also want him to see that I'm still fabulous.

 

[MzLady78]

It's October, which means I'm 4 months away from my 40th birthday. I've been looking forward to it for a long time (though I'm not totally sure why). Most of my 30s have revolved around him in some capacity- either in love with him, trying to move on from him, to now resenting and hating him.

I don't want to go into this next decade of my life feeling ANYTHING for him. I need for him to no longer be a factor in any way, shape or form. So that means I have to work harder at moving on. I have to make myself see that as f'ed up as his actions were, they showed me who he really is, and I can let go of the illusion that I'm missing out on something good. He doesn't deserve a good woman (me or anyone else), which is why he's with who he's with. But I know I also have to stop concerning myself with them and their relationship.

Part of the problem is that I have too much time on my hands. I have to find something to fill it. Even school isn't keeping me as busy as I expected. My therapist wants to me get out more, join a group, do something besides go to work and come home every day.

 

[SurferBabe]

It's October, which means I'm 4 months away from my 40th birthday. I've been looking forward to it for a long time (though I'm not totally sure why). Most of my 30s have revolved around him in some capacity- either in love with him, trying to move on from him, to now resenting and hating him.

I don't want to go into this next decade of my life feeling ANYTHING for him. I need for him to no longer be a factor in any way, shape or form. So that means I have to work harder at moving on. I have to make myself see that as f'ed up as his actions were, they showed me who he really is, and I can let go of the illusion that I'm missing out on something good. He doesn't deserve a good woman (me or anyone else), which is why he's with who he's with. But I know I also have to stop concerning myself with them and their relationship.

Part of the problem is that I have too much time on my hands. I have to find something to fill it. Even school isn't keeping me as busy as I expected. My therapist wants to me get out more, join a group, do something besides go to work and come home every day.

Awesome! How exciting is it to be so close to celebrating another decade here on earth?! This is the perfect time to focus on entering your 40s as a new woman.

As for the second bolded, I suggest kickboxing. It's a great way to release all of those emotions and get fit at the same time.

 

[mz.rae]

I'm so over mfers, why do people tell you some complete utter B.S. then think y'all are going to be "friends" after this. Then have the audacity to get mad at you and act like you're bsing them when you say you're not going to be their place holder or something they put on the shelf for later?!?! Ummmm.... really? I'm sitting here crying angry tears because I'm soooooo mad right now.

But I knew it!! I knew the ex was going to come back in the picture. Then going to tell me they have been talking a lot and they had sex and the sexual experience was intense. Like I want to hear that. I really wish we could cuss on here because uggggghh.... This would be one profanity laced post. But I knew it, I knew it!!!!

I'm so angry right now, and oh wait the quicker is, before telling all this information asked if I wanted to meet up for dinner with them. I said sure, and then they say if I knew all the confusion that was going on around there I probably wouldn't want to come to dinner. And I said what's going on? And they said never mind, and I was like no since you brought it up you might as well get it out in the open now. And after me telling them they might as well tell me otherwise I will just jump to a conclusion. But I told them I suspected it had something to do with their ex. And that's when they told me that bit of information.

I am too through with people. I'm pissed, livid, but I knew something like this was going to happen. But no me giving people the benefit of the doubt screws me again. And my best friend told me from the beginning not to put all my eggs into this basket, but nope I kinda did. I'm so done, I just can't right now. I can not I can not!! I want to fight someone right now I'm that mad!

 

[MzLady78]

Awesome! How exciting is it to be so close to celebrating another decade here on earth?! This is the perfect time to focus on entering your 40s as a new woman.

As for the second bolded, I suggest kickboxing. It's a great way to release all of those emotions and get fit at the same time.

I tried kickboxing years ago and thought I was gonna die! I think it's too intense for someone who is admittedly out of shape and not very active. I do need to start getting some form of exercise in, though.

So the dust is settling and I'm trying to start focusing on "reclaiming my crown". Trying to think less about the actual events and more about the lessons to be learned from them, and how I can use them to improve myself. I can't let this situation define me, because I know it's not who I really am. I know that I'm better than all the mistakes I made, all the chasing I did, all the bulls*** I put up with. I will never again give a jester king treatment. I was just lost and instead of this person coming into my life and helping me get on the right track, he took me further down the wrong path, into the darkness, then went off on his own and left me there. But I'll find my way. And if I ever see him again ( and I'm hoping that I don't), I will not be the same woman he left behind.

 

[MzLady78]

So. Between therapy and my own research, I've concluded that I am a co-dependent with abandonment issues thanks to my neglectful, alcoholic father and emotionally stunted mother, who fell for a possible narcissist.

Awesome.

 

[Fine 4s]

Yeah, I'm a classic codependent.
I wonder if it's common?

 

[MzLady78]

Having a tough time today.

It hit me that we'll probably never see or speak to each other again, and the last thing he said to me was "it's just over". He typed those 3 words and walked out of my life forever, likely never looking back or caring at all about the destruction left in his wake. He's making her smile while I cry, probably sending her the same "good morning, babe" texts he used to send me, and maybe the same "goodnight babe, I love you" ones too. I wonder if he holds her hand while he's driving, I always loved that.

So many memories. And I would do anything, ANYTHING to forget them all.

All I ever tried to do was love him and build him up and he just tore me down like it was nothing.

He broke me and he doesn't GAF.

 

[Fine 4s]

@MzLady78
I have no words to help make it all better for you. I wish I could help you because breakups break me down too...like a lot.
Sometimes I cry just because I feel bad for myself.
One of my breakups caused me to run to the doctor for meds like anti depressants and clonazepam. I just wanted to sleep at night without waking up 50 thousand times and not think about the breakup over and over.....
I'd also tell you to force yourself to excercise, like a quick run...just keep busy busy busy until you pass out when you get home.
I'd totally hang out with you and we can be miserable or cry all night lol
You need to come work Instacart with me.....
I'm considering smoking at night just a puff to help me sleep.....

 

[oneastrocurlie]

Having a tough time today.

It hit me that we'll probably never see or speak to each other again, and the last thing he said to me was "it's just over". He typed those 3 words and walked out of my life forever, likely never looking back or caring at all about the destruction left in his wake. He's making her smile while I cry, probably sending her the same "good morning, babe" texts he used to send me, and maybe the same "goodnight babe, I love you" ones too. I wonder if he holds her hand while he's driving, I always loved that.

So many memories. And I would do anything, ANYTHING to forget them all.

All I ever tried to do was love him and build him up and he just tore me down like it was nothing.

He broke me and he doesn't GAF.

So sorry you're feeling this way. It does hurt. I hope one day you wake up and it just all goes away.

 

[MzLady78]

I think this is the lowest I've felt so far. I just couldn't keep it together yesterday, I went out at lunch and cried, then went home and cried harder than I've ever cried in my life. I'm not even religious and I just kept asking God to please help me let him go, to take the pain away. It was bad.

I text my ex-bf because I needed someone to calm me down. He never responded (he still hasn't as of now). Then I realized the absurdity of texting him, when he's screwing the ***** who is partly responsible for the state I'm in. This whole thing is so sickening. I think I got so wrapped up in processing the info he was giving me about dude that I let his **** slide, and I probably shouldn't have. And honestly, I think that intentional on his part. Both times I confronted him about his lies, he dropped a bombshell about dude, and that became the focus of the convo. But he and I probably need to go our separate ways for good too.

I'm trying very hard not to spiral into a full on depression but I am miserable right now and I don't know how I'm gonna get through this. I really don't. Nothing I usually tell myself is working (he ain't **** and I'm better off, he'll get what's coming to him, their relationship is BS, etc). Maybe it's not working cuz it's not necessarily true. Maybe he'll never pay for what he's done to me, maybe karma misses folks sometimes. Maybe it'll turn out that he really just didn't want a committed relationship with me. Maybe they'll end up getting married and living happily ever after. I don't know. I wish I didn't care about any of this, but I'm just not there yet.

 

[hopeful]

@MzLady78
You are doing good! Crying is good. You are not weeping for him or the relationship. You are crying for you, the relationship you never had with your father, the heartbroken little girl inside of you, and for what you hoped for with this guy. This is all so much bigger than “him” and the only way out is through. This will be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. But if you do it you will be so proud of yourself. You will look back on all of your posts and be like really? What was I thinking? And like wow I’m so proud of myself for having the courage to heal.

This is hard work MzLady, painful work, but it must be done in order for you to heal. You can do it! Yes you can! Keep going! And every time you cry remind yourself that those are tears for you. Be kind and be patient with yourself.

Have you read Codependent No More yet by Melodie Beattie? Amazon product ASIN 0894864025It is the most amazing book. It will help keep you on track.

You are not going to “get over this” quickly. How could you? When your pain is so deep and you have been suffering so long? Please try to calm down a bit and relax. Meditate, breathe, do something good for yourself, and be ever so patient, kind, and loving to you. You deserve to be at the center of your life , not this guy, or your ex bf, or your neglectful father, but you you you my beautiful MzLady. Don’t give up on you and every time you cry be grateful. Tears are emotions turned liquid and they are not a sign of weakness, but of strength.

 

[MzLady78]

@MzLady78
You are doing good! Crying is good. You are not weeping for him or the relationship. You are crying for you, the relationship you never had with your father, the heartbroken little girl inside of you, and for what you hoped for with this guy. This is all so much bigger than “him” and the only way out is through. This will be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done. But if you do it you will be so proud of yourself. You will look back on all of your posts and be like really? What was I thinking? And like wow I’m so proud of myself for having the courage to heal.

This is hard work MzLady, painful work, but it must be done in order for you to heal. You can do it! Yes you can! Keep going! And every time you cry remind yourself that those are tears for you. Be kind and be patient with yourself.

Have you read Codependent No More yet by Melodie Beattie? Amazon product ASIN 0894864025It is the most amazing book. It will help keep you on track.

You are not going to “get over this” quickly. How could you? When your pain is so deep and you have been suffering so long? Please try to calm down a bit and relax. Meditate, breathe, do something good for yourself, and be ever so patient, kind, and loving to you. You deserve to be at the center of your life , not this guy, or your ex bf, or your neglectful father, but you you you my beautiful MzLady. Don’t give up on you and every time you cry be grateful. Tears are emotions turned liquid and they are not a sign of weakness, but of strength.

I keep eyeing that book, I probably need to go ahead and get it.

I'm not that great today, but yesterday was AWFUL. I couldn't get it together. I was crying in the elevator before I even got to my apartment. Then I got there and it was like gut-wrenching, from the depths of my soul bawling, like there was a death. Which I guess makes sense, because part of me thinks the finality of everything is hitting me. He's not coming back. And even if he wanted to, I couldn't let him. Not if I have any semblance of self respect left, and contrary to what it might look like, I do. I just didn't know it would hurt like this. I didn't know he valued me and what we had so little that he would ruin every good memory I have of us, to make the next chick feel more secure, when I wasn't even really in the picture when he started seeing her (well, I can't even confirm that). It's just so low and so unnecessarily cruel.

He really did a number on me and I hope she was worth it.

 

[MzLady78]

I did something I NEVER thought I would do, which was have a conversation with my dad about what's going on with me, and how he contributed to my issues.

My therapist recommend I talk to him at my last appointment and in my head, I was like "nah". We're in a good place now and I really didn't want to have to revisit when we weren't. But he called me concerned because of my FB status, I always forget we're friends. I wasn't gonna call him back, but changed my mind. So I gave him the short version of what happened with me and dude (which was so uncomfortable, I've never talked to him about my personal life ever), and was very candid about his role in my pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable men, and my abandonment and codependency issues. He said something really simple that I never thought about, that sometimes it's better to not be present than to be there- basically because of his issues, he felt we were better off if he stayed away. He said he knew that we were in good hands with my mom. But then I had to tell him look, Mom did a great job with us, yes, but her lack of nurturing as a mother, (he called it ambivalence) combined with him not being around was a recipe for disaster for me. Each of us had different needs, mine weren't met, and I've essentially spent my whole life looking for someone to fill that void and give me what I was missing. But all I've ever found were men who, like him, who would neglect me, and abandon me and in one case, verbally and physically abuse me. He didn't really apologize but I could tell he felt bad. But I wasn't really looking for one, I just wanted him to better understand the affects his actions had. I mentioned it to him in passing years ago, but this is the first time we've had an in depth conversation about it.

So, all in all, I would say it was a productive talk.

 

[Fine 4s]

Good job @MzLady78 !
I also gave up having the talk with my father and I have similar issue as you and we're both Aquarius!
I think he'd just not say anything. I'm sure they didn't mean to hurt us but they did and a simple acknowledgement would begin the healing process. But in the end, it's up to us.

 

[MzLady78]

Good job @MzLady78 !
I also gave up having the talk with my father and I have similar issue as you and we're both Aquarius!
I think he'd just not say anything. I'm sure they didn't mean to hurt us but they did and a simple acknowledgement would begin the healing process. But in the end, it's up to us.

Oh wow, I didn't realize we had so much in common.

He did say he wishes he had done things differently, but that hindsight is 20/20.

You're right, though. It is up to us. The damage has been done, and at this point, the only thing we can do is try to heal from it and move on.

 

[MzLady78]

I saw my ex yesterday. He wanted to apologize in person and "explain himself". So he's telling me how he figured out dude and the ***** were seeing each other. He said when she finally confessed, he cussed her out. Guess what she did?

Called his wife.

My jaw hit the floor. I can't believe he's still messing with her after that. I really can't. He's a damn fool.

Now, I don't know that dude knows about this. Probably not. But this is who he's dealing with. This is the type of woman he decided to throw me under the bus for. Someone who, when confronted when they're in the wrong, turns around and retaliates and goes for blood. And you know what? She can have him. Because any man who given the choice between me and that ratchet ***** and chooses her doesn't deserve me in the first place. The triflingness (I know that's not a word) and inability of everyone involved to think with anything but their genitals makes my head spin.

I don't need this kind of foolishness in my life. Let me focus on me, do what I need to do to heal and put this **** behind for me good, cuz I just can't.

 

[hopeful]

@MzLady78 I can’t follow the story re the wife, whose wife?, etc. Glad you continue to move forward and have support to help you do so.

 

[MzLady78]

@MzLady78 I can’t follow the story re the wife, whose wife?, etc. Glad you continue to move forward and have support to help you do so.

My ex-bf's wife. I know, it's so convoluted that it's hard to keep up, SMDH.

But yeah, it's ridiculous and I'm done with it all.

 

[SurferBabe]

My ex-bf's wife. I know, it's so convoluted that it's hard to keep up, SMDH.

But yeah, it's ridiculous and I'm done with it all.

You need to release all of these people from your life, ex-bf included. So he's an adulterer? It's time to drop all toxic and tragic people, their energy brings a dark cloud to your life. Having negative, low-vibration so-called friends in my life made me see dysfunctional situations as normal. Once I let them go it felt like waking up. It will be hard but I promise you that these people are blocking good vibes from coming your way. Cut the cord.

 

[MzLady78]

You need to release all of these people from your life, ex-bf included. So he's an adulterer? It's time to drop all toxic and tragic people, their energy brings a dark cloud to your life. Having negative, low-vibration so-called friends in my life made me see dysfunctional situations as normal. Once I let them go it felt like waking up. It will be hard but I promise you that these people are blocking good vibes from coming your way. Cut the cord.

I know, I know.