The good news is that anger means you're moving forward. While it can be destructive if you don't keep a leash on it, it allows you to see behind the mask since you're no longer vulnerable. This isn't going to be an easy process but the good news is that you're on the path, which means there is a finish line-- healing. In time you won't feel anything for him. It's coming, just keep moving forward.
. Now you are getting to the point where you are ready to fight for you. Write about your anger. Imagine how you would exact revenge if you could
. Let it all out. Anger is a beautiful emotion so long as it doesn't consume you. Enough fire and you can cook food and warm water. Out of control it can burn your house down. But you see, you can't function properly without it. You need it. It serves its purpose. Become friends with her. Recognize and listen to her moving forward. IMO she is a protector. She tells you when someone has crossed your boundaries or has betrayed you. She knows when it's time to leave. Most of us spend too much time being nice, patient, and forgiving. There is a time and place for everything.
Do you have any trips planned for yourself?
You need to get it out. It's a process. I told you about that Triangulation. About the smear campaign. That stuff will drive you crazy! I know it's made me paranoid. The same way they will talk bad about others, is the same way they will talk bad about you. They do this to gain sympathy and make it seems like it was the other person's fault. It's a game. How you get through it is to understand what's really going on.So apparently, he told her the reason he couldn't commit to me is because I was messing with a male friend of mine. Anyone who knows us knows we are, and have always been just friends.
Lies on top of lies on top of lies. It's so absurd, I couldn't even be mad. I actually laughed. He is out of his mind. Never in the entire time I've known him did he EVER voice that he thought there was something going on with us, because he knows it's not true. This is the same friend who drove me to the hospital to bring him food when he was having health issues. There is something seriously wrong with him that he feels he needs to make up all this crap about me. You didn't want me, why is my name even in your mouth still? Both of them, actually, cuz she called me crazy and said I need to move on.that simple arse cow. She knows she's trash, and she's trying to make herself feel special by being in denial about his relationship with me.
That all said, she broke it off with him, supposedly. And he told her he loves her (which he denied when I asked) so it's really too bad for himAnd if she hasn't really broken it off, he doesn't know she's still messing with my ex.
Oh, and before anyone says anything, this is the last discussion about him and her I plan to have with my ex. I know I can't move forward if I'm still revisiting the past, and I don't need to know any more about what's going on with them or what they're saying about me. I was having a bad morning and he happened to call me, we hadn't really spoken since the day he told me about all the other lies he was telling, so I ended up venting. But this is it.
That is where love lives. I know this is a relationship forum, and there are hundreds of threads and posts about how to attract men, how to find a bf/husband, what to wear to get men to notice you, etc... but there is little focus on the most important relationship in your life, the one you have with yourself. That's the only one that matters IMO . Everything else is a bonus. I find myself having to quiet the outside noise daily, because the outside world places romantic love on a pedestal. Our society worships external love and acceptance. We measure our own value by how easily we can obtain and maintain someone else's love for us, by any means necessary. For those who can easily find this, the world celebrates them, but for the rest of us, we often feel forgotten. 
. My only peace has come from returning home to myself. If you can love another person through their flaws, you can love yourself through your own.
Yaaas! It's time to return home to yourself.
But you aren't forgotten. The heartbroken people of the world are given a special gift-- enlightenment. As you undergo the process of overcoming this heartache you will awaken. You might find yourself drawn to spirituality. When you come home to yourself, you'll realize that there is no feeling the outside world can give you that you can't give to yourself. You don't need outside love to validate you. What can this man give you that you don't already have? Love has been within you since the day you were born. No one has to teach us how to love because it is already there. You've probably met strangers who have shown you more love than this man. This is why heartbreak is usually the first step to liberation. This experience was meant to teach you something. It is a tough lesson, but you'll come out stronger.
This isn't to say that romantic love isn't wonderful. Once you realize that love comes from within, you'll meet people on a similar vibration, and among them you'll find a man who can enhance your feelings of love, joy, and peace. Why do we accept anything less? When I was chasing after that one guy in TX, I never felt peace. I was always sad and anxious. My self-esteem plummeted. I made everyone around me miserable. I was blessed with so many amazing experiences that I didn't even enjoy because I was so caught up in him. I abused my body, mind, and spirit for him and he still didn't want me. I almost lost a job over him. The price I paid for loving that man was endless heartache. Then I tried to find love in someone else, anyone. I was an emotional wreck. The evidence is all over this board-- hell even a few pages back I'm sure
Keep with the therapy, start journaling and meditating, and I'd highly suggest the following authors-- Byron Katie , Anthony de Mello, and Eckhart Tolle. You can find plenty of their stuff floating around online and on YT.
Here is my favorite quote from Eckhart Tolle. It is another one I repeat daily:
Love is a state of Being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form. In the stillness of your presence, you can feel your own formless and timeless reality as the unmanifested life that animates your physical form. You can then feel the same life deep within every other human and every other creature. You look beyond the veil of form and separation. This is the realization of oneness. This is love.
Welcome home!
for all of us women going through it. 
@SurferBabe had said something about there being strangers who have probably shown me more love than dude, I definitely experienced that this weekend.
I know what you mean. I remember last year when I was at my lowest that I think I'd ever been as it involves being a relationship. I was just so broken and weak because I just desperately wanted this guy to come back to me (even tho he was a straight narcissist and cared only about himself). I remember talking to one of my spiritual mentors from college who has such a peaceful and loving energy about her. When I got through talking with her on the phone I messaged her to tell her thanks and that I was going to heed her advice. When she wrote back, "I know you can do this. You are so much more than you think you are," I just bawled my eyes out all night. It was the sweetest thing anyone had said to me in months.Girl, you got me over here tearing up. Thank you so much for this post.
I am so touched by the outpouring of support that's been shown to me since this all started. Yesterday, I was catching my co-worker up on the latest when we were heading out from the office and when we were saying goodbye, she gave me a hug and told me she loved me. It took everything I had not bust into tears walking to the train.
One day, hopefully, I'll experience REAL romantic love again. But there is no shortage of love in my life as a whole, that's for damn sure.
I feel like I could have written this myself. In a strange way it's sort of comforting to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes.
To the first bolded: Yeah, her comment made me realize how low my self worth was at the moment. Like I didn't even value myself or think I was worthy of love. Her comment made me realize that there are people who care about me even tho I was so hung up on seeking validation from this guy.It really does help, knowing that other people see you like you may not be able to see yourself at the time.
I feel you. I really do.
You know how many times I thought to myself while I'm over here crying over him, he's probably off somewhere screwing her, not giving a single **** about what he did to me? And how I'll be dealing with the repercussions for a very long time to come? How as much as I want to believe there's someone better out there, that I'm terrified that for the first time in my life, I may have lost my capacity to completely love and trust someone? It's painful and infuriating at the same time. I'll get over the hurt and betrayal eventually, but I resent the **** outta him for taking that away from me.
The only think I can say, still being very much in the thick of it myself, is to keep working on being the version of you you can be. The relationship stuff may not be an easy fix, but what can you do to improve your career situation? For me, it was going back to school. But whatever you do, do it for you first and foremost.
