LovelyRo
Well-Known Member
@SurferBabe that's my problem... I need to put all the pieces to the puzzle together and the results never end up being any different from what I already intuitively knew.
Great advice!
Great advice!
Thread for the heartbroken
- Thread starter SurferBabe
- Start date
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Thank you @sarumoki and @SurferBabe. I hate that I'm here whining so much but this is absolutely the worst pain I've ever felt. I was not prepared at all for what ended happening.
I guess some days are just gonna be harder than others. I'm gonna have to really find something to keep me busy. I'm gonna start my next class on the 18th, so that will help.
Anyway, I'm in Barbados and I will enjoy myself despite everything. Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement, you have no idea how much I appreciate it.
I guess some days are just gonna be harder than others. I'm gonna have to really find something to keep me busy. I'm gonna start my next class on the 18th, so that will help.
Anyway, I'm in Barbados and I will enjoy myself despite everything. Thank you all so much for your support and encouragement, you have no idea how much I appreciate it.
sarumoki
Epicurean Empress
Enjoy!
SurferBabe
Well-Known Member
I understand. Though my situation isn't the same, I've spent the last 2 years feeling down about being single. I did not anticipate this long stretch of loneliness and despair and at times I felt like it would never end. I still get down sometimes and I've just learned to accept it. How you feel is normal. What helped me was being able to vent on here and to one of my friends. Many of the people around me started pulling away because they were tired of me whining about it all of the time. It is why I will always listen to someone going through heartache. Sometimes venting is all that we have when we feel like we've lost control of a situation.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
I'm back from my trip, and it was pretty good.
There were a lot of tears, though. And to my dismay, some drunk dialing/texting.
I got reaallly drunk off some rum and cokes (I rarely drink liquor anymore) and lost my mind one night. He didn't respond to either. Of course, that stung initially, as it further confirms that he doesn't GAF about me anymore. But it was for the best. There's really nothing to talk about, and I didn't need to be upset more on my vacation. But that's it for contact for real this time. I'm not gonna beat myself up over it too much. I was more mad at myself for getting drunk, I'm usually pretty good about that since I'm traveling alone.
I have my 2nd therapy appointment today.
There were a lot of tears, though. And to my dismay, some drunk dialing/texting.
I got reaallly drunk off some rum and cokes (I rarely drink liquor anymore) and lost my mind one night. He didn't respond to either. Of course, that stung initially, as it further confirms that he doesn't GAF about me anymore. But it was for the best. There's really nothing to talk about, and I didn't need to be upset more on my vacation. But that's it for contact for real this time. I'm not gonna beat myself up over it too much. I was more mad at myself for getting drunk, I'm usually pretty good about that since I'm traveling alone. I have my 2nd therapy appointment today.
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Evolving78
Well-Known Member
I know you have found somebody already, but check with your school too. I went through mine.
Also, Rori Raye is really good. I would check out that thread, and her blog. She said we don't have to go back deep into our childhood to start the therapeutic work. We can deal with things in the present. That little girl still pops up and still reacts to the same triggers every time. She also made comparisons to dog training, or lab animal testing. I posted a video in that thread on dealing with Toxic Men. She stated all men aren't Toxic, they just might not be a good fit for us. She talked about women being passive aggressive in trying to get their needs met. It was very eye opening.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Thanks, I'll check them out.
My session was difficult yesterday, but I'm actually feeling alright today. I'm still upset about who he moved on to, and how he basically threw me under the bus for her. That's not going to go away for awhile. But in reality, while I would have been an upgrade for him, he would have been a downgrade for me. He has nothing to offer but good D, and since this chick is still married and emotionally unavailable like him (supposedly, after 2 years, he still hasn't even been in her house) she's probably a better fit for him than I am. He doesn't want someone with real feelings for him that is actually going to have expectations of him, like claiming her as his woman. Even if he has feelings for her, he can still avoid accountability on his end. But in either case, they're both trash with no integrity and poor character, and one will eventually burn the other. I'm sure of it. And I will be working on becoming a better, more complete person so that I can find someone who actually deserves me.
crlsweetie912
Well-Known Member
umm, sis you are gonna keep punishing yourself contacting this man. It's like erasing any progress you made.I'm back from my trip, and it was pretty good.
There were a lot of tears, though. And to my dismay, some drunk dialing/texting.
I have my 2nd therapy appointment today.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
umm, sis you are gonna keep punishing yourself contacting this man. It's like erasing any progress you made.
Well, like I said, I was drunk. I don't drink like that when I'm home, so it won't happen again. And again, he didn't even respond. He's probably blocked me at this point, TBH.
Evolving78
Well-Known Member
Not saying your ex is a narcissist, but this information might be helpful in dealing with what you are going through, which is the discard stage and similar to the things you have stated.
One more thing. There will be no closure. You will not get that. People like that will go ghost on you, but there is no closure, so the door in their minds is always left open. then they come back like nothing ever happened. It could be day, months, even years. They will seek you out just to weasle their way back in, only for that horrible cycle to start over. They will romance you, make you believe that they have matured, or changed, but as soon as you let your guard down, you become trapped in the web! That Triagulation is no joke and you can't be allowed to get caught up in it. The same negative information you are hearing about ole girl, is also being done to you as well.
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MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Thanks, will watch.
I know there will never be closure in the sense that I'll never get answers. But the door is closed forever as far as I'm concerned. That dude can NEVER come back over here. Ever. But TBH, I'm not really convinced he'll ever try anyway.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
Maybe you can find a balance? Both extremes invite emotionally unavailable people into your life. One wants to take advantage of your openness and availability, the other enjoys the challenge of breaking down your walls.
I'm sorry you are so frustrated.
(((Hugs)))
mz.rae
Well-Known Member
Thank you! I really am truing it's just so hard it seems like every time I open up or find someone I like I get screwed over.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
You're welcome. You need to be less open and available to protect yourself. Just not completely closed off. You probably need to slow down quite a bit with opening up to people. Pace yourself and be more observant of the person and their cues. Also, early on most guys seem great because they are putting their best foot forward. Enjoy it but you can't fully trust the beginning stages. Give people time to show you who they are before opening up so deeply.
Rastafarai
Well-Known Member
What question(s) remain?
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Well for one, him telling her he never said he loved me makes me wonder how he really felt about me that whole time. Deep down, I really think he just told her that for her benefit, but who knows.
And to be honest, I still don't really know what happened between us 3 years ago. I know he was going through some personal stuff and I became even less of priority than I already was. But I don't know why he never came back when things calmed down, and exactly how she managed to swoop in during that time. I initially thought she managed to do it again back in January (after our one night together, I got the "oh, I'm so busy crap" again when I asked when I'd see him again) but according to my ex, he was still seeing her then, which means he lied to me. He told me they started talking again and "it just happened". But now that I'm typing all this out, I guess I know why he never came back. He had her, he didn't need me. Not with my feelings and desire to be more than a part time lover.
At the end of the day, none of it matters. I know this. We were never going to be together for real, and he's just not a good guy. He needed to be out of my life for good. It's the way it went down. It's him moving on to someone who was once my friend, the lies, the fact that he was willing to trample all over my feelings and downplay our relationship for this broad. He just discarded me and everything we had like it was trash, for a chick who won't even let him in her house! Who told my ex she doesn't even really like him like that, he's not really her type, but she's lonely since her husband moved out. It's the being treated like an enemy when all I've ever done is love him.
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Rastafarai
Well-Known Member
@MzLady78
Even if he provided an answer, it may not even be the truth. His words cannot be trusted, and I know you know this.
I understand answers may help rationalize his actions and decisions, but you cannot rationalize the irrational. He has no valid reason to treat you the way he did and it cannot be explained. Don't look for an explanation, especially coming from a viper's tongue.
The only explanation you need to know and hear is that he is not and was never for you. He has NO respect, care or consideration for YOU. He is, was, and will NEVER EVER be worthy of YOUR time, love, commitment, stress, tears, and space.
I just hope you never EVER return or backpedal to your vomit. He is vomit. Vomit is a turn off, right? It's something we want to quickly discard of. We can't stand the sight of it. View him as just that. A phone call, text, email is a return to your vomit. Don't do that to yourself again. Being drunk is no excuse.
You know you deserve better. You ARE better. But I also understand the emotions associated with feeling rejected by a man you love/are in love with. That feeling is the worst, but you will get through it, no matter how slow the process. It could take months, it could take years, but its one day closer to you finding what true reciprocated love with another human being should be and feel like.
You are deserving, @MzLady78 . You are a prize @MzLady78 . Know it. Believe it. Now let's move on my dear sister, and this time for good.
Even if he provided an answer, it may not even be the truth. His words cannot be trusted, and I know you know this.
I understand answers may help rationalize his actions and decisions, but you cannot rationalize the irrational. He has no valid reason to treat you the way he did and it cannot be explained. Don't look for an explanation, especially coming from a viper's tongue.
The only explanation you need to know and hear is that he is not and was never for you. He has NO respect, care or consideration for YOU. He is, was, and will NEVER EVER be worthy of YOUR time, love, commitment, stress, tears, and space.
I just hope you never EVER return or backpedal to your vomit. He is vomit. Vomit is a turn off, right? It's something we want to quickly discard of. We can't stand the sight of it. View him as just that. A phone call, text, email is a return to your vomit. Don't do that to yourself again. Being drunk is no excuse.
You know you deserve better. You ARE better. But I also understand the emotions associated with feeling rejected by a man you love/are in love with. That feeling is the worst, but you will get through it, no matter how slow the process. It could take months, it could take years, but its one day closer to you finding what true reciprocated love with another human being should be and feel like.
You are deserving, @MzLady78 . You are a prize @MzLady78 . Know it. Believe it. Now let's move on my dear sister, and this time for good.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
You're right. And to be clear, while these are lingering questions in my head, I don't have any intention of speaking to him to try to find out. I am done with him for good, which is why I'm having such a hard time. There is no going back. I immediately regretted trying to contact him while I was away, I know I won't do it again, especially knowing he won't respond. He will never get another chance to reject or ignore me ever again.
I'm just trying to get through the pain right now. Like I said in another post, some days are better than others. Yesterday and today have not been good days. Tomorrow may be better. I hope so.
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hopeful
Well-Known Member
(((@MzLady78)))
The guy you were dealing with was a different kind of human, pathological, and lacking in compassion and remorse. You have to be strong and keep moving forward. Keep working with your therapist. It takes time to heal. The woman he is with now is not important. He didn't choose her because she was prettier, more fun, sexier than you. She just happens to meet his needs at the moment and all that matters to him are HIS needs, that's it. He pretended to be something he was not to trap you. This is painful stuff to heal from. That is why you need a therapist to help you untangle yourself. And it will take time because it's so much more than about him. It is about him too, but also about you, your past, what makes you tick, your needs, your boundaries, figuring out who you are, etc. This situation is about so much and it will take time. Be patient with yourself. You can get through this. But the only way out is through.
The guy you were dealing with was a different kind of human, pathological, and lacking in compassion and remorse. You have to be strong and keep moving forward. Keep working with your therapist. It takes time to heal. The woman he is with now is not important. He didn't choose her because she was prettier, more fun, sexier than you. She just happens to meet his needs at the moment and all that matters to him are HIS needs, that's it. He pretended to be something he was not to trap you. This is painful stuff to heal from. That is why you need a therapist to help you untangle yourself. And it will take time because it's so much more than about him. It is about him too, but also about you, your past, what makes you tick, your needs, your boundaries, figuring out who you are, etc. This situation is about so much and it will take time. Be patient with yourself. You can get through this. But the only way out is through.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
This is actually my phone lock screen and on a post it on my work laptop.
I know it's gonna take time and a lot of work to sort through everything because you're right, it is much deeper than him. Some days, it just feels impossible. But I have to remind myself that it hasn't even been a month yet, it just feels like much longer because he's been causing me pain for so long.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
^^^
My therapist likens this journey to an emotional roller coaster and climbing up a steep mountain. There will be emotional dips and sometimes as you are moving forward and climbing that mountain you will slip and have setbacks. She reminds me that progress isn't a straight line. In the end what matters most is moving forward and loving yourself and being kind and compassionate toward yourself. But no matter what you must keep moving forward.
My therapist likens this journey to an emotional roller coaster and climbing up a steep mountain. There will be emotional dips and sometimes as you are moving forward and climbing that mountain you will slip and have setbacks. She reminds me that progress isn't a straight line. In the end what matters most is moving forward and loving yourself and being kind and compassionate toward yourself. But no matter what you must keep moving forward.
MamaBear2012
Well-Known Member
@MzLady78 - Are you a religious person? I'm following this thread not because of a romantic heartbreak (I'm happily married), but because I think that my parents broke my heart a long time ago and that seeps into every relationship that I have. Who I wanted them to be, they have never been and I'm not sure if they are even capable. They are emotionally distant, and like a romantic relationship, I've found ways to justify their behavior, I've put up walls, I've questioned, and I've cried.
Anyway, I'm reading this book "The Broken Way" and I'm finding little nuggets of wisdom on every page. For me, as a Christian, it reminds me that there is beauty in brokenness. That Jesus had to be broken to bring us eternal life. That a seed has to be broken to bring new life. That the Bible says "Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted."
I'm changing my perspective (slowly) to find my healing. In my brokenness, I need to reach out to help others. It's the only way that I can help myself.
Anyway, just a book suggestion. I hope it helps!
Anyway, I'm reading this book "The Broken Way" and I'm finding little nuggets of wisdom on every page. For me, as a Christian, it reminds me that there is beauty in brokenness. That Jesus had to be broken to bring us eternal life. That a seed has to be broken to bring new life. That the Bible says "Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted."
I'm changing my perspective (slowly) to find my healing. In my brokenness, I need to reach out to help others. It's the only way that I can help myself.
Anyway, just a book suggestion. I hope it helps!
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
I'm not religious, but I have found value in some religion based self-help books in the past, so thank you for the suggestion. I'm glad that it's helping you heal.
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MzLady78
Well-Known Member
So apparently, he told her the reason he couldn't commit to me is because I was messing with a male friend of mine. Anyone who knows us knows we are, and have always been just friends.
Lies on top of lies on top of lies. It's so absurd, I couldn't even be mad. I actually laughed. He is out of his mind. Never in the entire time I've known him did he EVER voice that he thought there was something going on with us, because he knows it's not true. This is the same friend who drove me to the hospital to bring him food when he was having health issues. There is something seriously wrong with him that he feels he needs to make up all this crap about me. You didn't want me, why is my name even in your mouth still? Both of them, actually, cuz she called me crazy and said I need to move on.
that simple arse cow. She knows she's trash, and she's trying to make herself feel special by being in denial about his relationship with me.
That all said, she broke it off with him, supposedly. And he told her he loves her (which he denied when I asked) so it's really too bad for him
And if she hasn't really broken it off, he doesn't know she's still messing with my ex.
Oh, and before anyone says anything, this is the last discussion about him and her I plan to have with my ex. I know I can't move forward if I'm still revisiting the past, and I don't need to know any more about what's going on with them or what they're saying about me. I was having a bad morning and he happened to call me, we hadn't really spoken since the day he told me about all the other lies he was telling, so I ended up venting. But this is it.
Lies on top of lies on top of lies. It's so absurd, I couldn't even be mad. I actually laughed. He is out of his mind. Never in the entire time I've known him did he EVER voice that he thought there was something going on with us, because he knows it's not true. This is the same friend who drove me to the hospital to bring him food when he was having health issues. There is something seriously wrong with him that he feels he needs to make up all this crap about me. You didn't want me, why is my name even in your mouth still? Both of them, actually, cuz she called me crazy and said I need to move on.
that simple arse cow. She knows she's trash, and she's trying to make herself feel special by being in denial about his relationship with me.That all said, she broke it off with him, supposedly. And he told her he loves her (which he denied when I asked) so it's really too bad for him
And if she hasn't really broken it off, he doesn't know she's still messing with my ex. Oh, and before anyone says anything, this is the last discussion about him and her I plan to have with my ex. I know I can't move forward if I'm still revisiting the past, and I don't need to know any more about what's going on with them or what they're saying about me. I was having a bad morning and he happened to call me, we hadn't really spoken since the day he told me about all the other lies he was telling, so I ended up venting. But this is it.
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Bklynqueen
Well-Known Member
So apparently, he told her the reason he couldn't commit to me is because I was messing with a male friend of mine. Anyone who knows us knows we are, and have always been just friends.
Lies on top of lies on top of lies. It's so absurd, I couldn't even be mad. I actually laughed. He is out of his mind. Never in the entire time I've known him did he EVER voice that he thought there was something going on with us, because he knows it's not true. This is the same friend who drove me to the hospital to bring him food when he was having health issues. There is something seriously wrong with him that he feels he needs to make up all this crap about me. You didn't want me, why is my name even in your mouth still? Both of them, actually, cuz she called me crazy and said I need to move on.
That all said, she broke it off with him, supposedly. And he told her he loves her (which he denied when I asked) so it's really too bad for him
Oh, and before anyone says anything, this is the last discussion about him and her I plan to have with my ex. I know I can't move forward if I'm still revisiting the past, and I don't need to know any more about what's going on with them or what they're saying about me. I was having a bad morning and he happened to call me, we hadn't really spoken since the day he told me about all the other lies he was telling, so I ended up venting. But this is it.
Good, now you can block him permanently and concentrate on your healing. His number in your phone is like picking at a festering, scabby sore and that's exactly how you should think of him. He's a weakarse cornball, the fact that he has to lie on your character is some punk
. I understand the sadness you're feeling as it took me a while to get over the sadness and betrayal I felt when I was going through it but what jumped started my healing was when I finally got good and mad! And I stayed mad- so now when someone brings him up, I can't even muster an 
, it's just whatever.... You will get to that point soon and once you get to the acceptance stage, you're not even gonna care anymore...promise.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Good, now you can block him permanently and concentrate on your healing. His number in your phone is like picking at a festering, scabby sore and that's exactly how you should think of him. He's a weakarse cornball, the fact that he has to lie on your character is some punk
Oh, he's been been blocked. The ex was talking to is my ex-bf, he was seeing this chick and then the guy I'm trying to get over started seeing her behind his back. We hadn't been involved like that in a few years, save for that night in January. He disappeared on me again after that, and now I know it was because he was with her. It's all really messy and sordid and I'm glad to be done with it.
I can't say it doesn't hurt to learn that he's stooping so low. It does, a lot. It's like wow, after 7 years, I really don't know this person I loved so much at all. I had no idea he was that dude, that he would treat me this way. He didn't want me, fine. He couldn't just move on without destroying everything we had in the process? What the hell kind of relationship do (did) they they have that the only way for her to feel secure is to make me seem like the crazy, jilted lover? And if he supposedly never loved me, like he told her, how was he going to "commit" to me anyway? Why would who I was supposedly seeing even matter to him? She's so
stupid and dickmatized, this is all going over her head.Trusting going forward is going to be hard as hell. I really can't handle anything like this again.
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MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Y'all, I am so angry right now. Like, I am seething. I really can't believe this ninja. I did not deserve this. I didn't. I'm not even a vengeful person, but I swear, if I knew how I could, I would **** his whole life up right now. I'm that pissed. I wanna punch something, too bad it can't be his face. And don't let me ever catch that ***** on the street, I got something for her too. I'll show them crazy.
He's a joke and a ******* loser. All this time, I was dreading finding out that he loves her, thinking it would destroy me. But I don't even feel anything about it now because I know that ninja really doesn't love anyone but his ******* self.
He's a joke and a ******* loser. All this time, I was dreading finding out that he loves her, thinking it would destroy me. But I don't even feel anything about it now because I know that ninja really doesn't love anyone but his ******* self.
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Bklynqueen
Well-Known Member
You're mad- Yay! It's ok to seethe for a few days but start channeling that anger into something positive for yourself. Think of something you really want to do that you've been putting off- this is where this energy now needs to go. If you hold onto this anger too long, the energy will turn inward and become self destructive and a self fulfilling prophecy.
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