Thread for the heartbroken

hopeful said:
I've learned that we all slip up sometimes and we just have to forgive ourselves and quickly and firmly redirect our minds to something more productive. My therapist says that our minds are like spoiled children. They think all sorts of things that may not make sense for an adult. They throw tantrums and want their way. We have to be in charge of our minds, feel our emotions, but at the same time be more logical as well. And it takes practice. Lots of practice, meditation, and extreme SELF care. A good therapist will help you with all of this so that you can heal more quickly and get on with your life.
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Yeah, I'm trying but I'm having a hard time finding one in my area that takes my insurance. The online one is too expensive and I don't know if it was because I was only on a trial, but she wasn't digging deep enough.
 
MzLady78 said:
Yeah, I'm trying but I'm having a hard time finding one in my area that takes my insurance. The online one is too expensive and I don't know if it was because I was only on a trial, but she wasn't digging deep enough.
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Make sure you check if they have a sliding scale. Lots of therapists provide deep discounts if you don't make enough. You may pay out of pocket but not as much as you might think.
 
This involves some talk about him but it's more about me.

I'm trying to sort through some things, mainly why I had such a hard time letting go when the truth is, I was unhappy a lot when we were seeing each other because I couldn't have him the way I really wanted. I think of all the guys I'd dealt with between my last relationship and him, not many of them had real feelings for me, and none of them loved me for sure. All of this, of course, fed into my feelings of being unwanted, unloveable and undeserving of love because of my relationship with my father. It's like I was treading water all this time, just barely keeping afloat. And when he came along, I clung to his supposed love for me like a life preserver, like I would surely drown without it. And every rejection, every time he was gone from my life for months at a time was like a little hole being poked in it and I sank a little bit more each time, but I still clung to it, hoping it would save me. I didn't want to accept that it wasn't doing its job and that maybe it was time for me to let it go and swim and save myself. Yesterday, it went completely flat with this news about him telling her he never loved me. I don't know that he didn't, or that he didn't just tell her that to make her feel secure. But he took that from me. The hurt and anger I feel as a result is indescribable.

But I guess the moral of the story is nobody is coming to save me. I have to save myself now.
 
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JFemme said:
Keep talking, unfolding @MzLady78

It's good for the soul... Your insights are spot on

((Hugs))
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Thanks @JFemme

I think I tried to give him a role he obviously didn't want, hence the "holes", and maybe I was wrong for that. This is in no way an attempt to absolve him of any responsibility. But I can see how somebody depending on you to "rescue" them could be draining, especially if you don't want a relationship.

But I honestly didn't realize that's what I was doing until now.
 
Please don't quote... might delete later.

I'm in a different place today. My spirits aren't low but, I am almost certain that dude is a sociopath (maybe a narcissist too). Before we broke up, there were two instances where something told me that he had a personality disorder and he wasn't even doing anything. There was another time when something told me that he wasn't the person that he was portraying himself to be. One thing that I always found odd was that his temperament rarely changed. There were a couple times that he snapped at me a little but, it was almost like he changed right back to the super mellow person immediately.

I've been looking up characteristics of sociopaths and OMG... very charming, he seemed like my soul mate, seemed like everything I was looking for in a man (with the exception of a few physical characteristics), he was just mirroring me. I said in another thread that he read me very well... he was learning me so that he could further manipulate me. In the end, he told me that he was troubled, that his case wasn't normal, and that he would seek therapy. I asked him if he had a psychological disorder and his response was that he just wanted to be loved. :look: I'm so glad I got away from him. And while that girl is so focused on trying to prove who's more important to him, she needs to pay attention to what's right in front of her.
 
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So I finally got a hold of someone, and I have an appointment next week.

It's going to be tricky since this person only sees patients during the day. She's not that far, which is good. But I'll have to work it out with my manager because this is something I HAVE to do. I cannot put this off any longer. When it's at the point where I'm missing work because I can't get it together, something has to give.

Although now that I'm thinking about it, I have a co-worker who goes to the gym in the middle of the day, and then usually takes lunch afterwards still. So yeah, she actually better not give me a hard time.
 
I know this probably wasn't the most productive use of my time, but I was going back through my old posts yesterday. This was like the longest parting of ways ever. I came across the post where I talked about how I changed my number in an effort to move on, and he tracked me down at my hangout spot, told me he understood why I disappeared and that he missed me and loved me (bet he didn't tell her about that, but whatever).

That was 2013. 4 :censored: years ago.

For an intelligent woman, I sure was dumb as hell when it came to this man. Like every bit of common sense just went out the window. And that scares TF outta me. I don't know that I trust my judgement anymore . It was clear as day where I stood, but I could not stop fighting for this man who did not want me. And I convinced myself that there was something wrong with me that he didn't.

I guess I'm gonna go through a wide array of emotions during this process, and today it's apparently shame.
 
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@MzLady78 Everything you are feeling is normal. By the time you finish healing or are mostly healed, you will trust yourself again, forgive yourself, love yourself unconditionally, and be your own biggest fan, advocate, and protector. The only way out is through. Part of healing is finally feeling the pain vs running from it or numbing it. I am so proud of you. Most of us have to hit rock bottom before we make a major change.
 
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hopeful said:
@MzLady78 Everything you are feeling is normal. By the time you finish healing or are mostly healed, you will trust yourself again, forgive yourself, love yourself unconditionally, and be your own biggest fan, advocate, and protector. The only way out is through. Part of healing is finally feeling the pain vs running from it or numbing it. I am so proud of you. Most of us have to hit rock bottom before we make a major change.
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This feels very much like rock bottom to me, though. Like I had the chance to walk away from this with some semblance of pride left, and I messed it up. I mean, I guess the universe was like ok, this chick is clearly hard-headed and won't leave this dude alone unless he gives her absolutely no choice. He had to literally say the words "it's over" for me to go. His silence for 4 months wasn't enough for me to get the hint.
 
I spent a lot of time this weekend talking about what happened. I spent the night at my cousin's Friday, and I told him. Spent the night at my mom's Saturday, and told my sister.

I realized the rehashing isn't going to help, and will likely not give me any new insights. I will never know for sure why he did some of things he did, though I have theories. But this is where we are and the only thing that matters now is doing the work so that I don't end up here again. I talked to my manager about the therapy, she was very understanding. She even said that if it becomes difficult to come back to work after my sessions, as there will likely be a lot of emotions surfacing, I can work from home for the rest of the day.

I started reading "Women Who Love Too Much" and holy crap. I'm on page 62 and it's my like seeing my entire life in print. I'm reading a PDF I checked out on this site online because I didn't want to wait for a hard copy but I may have to get one to just to keep on hand for future reference. There is definitely a pattern with the men in my life, which I've long suspected. I give 100% of myself in situations that don't warrant it, to men who don't really want it. And then I feel some way when I only get maybe 50% in return, if that. Instead of accepting that I'm not gonna get back what I'm putting in and bouncing, I work harder, hoping eventually I'm gonna see a return on my investment. I never do.

He's just the one I worked the hardest and longest for, again, likely because I got hung up on those three little words.

I have to say, I think I'm way more self-aware than I give myself credit for. I just need help breaking the cycle.
 
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Good luck @MzLady78 my therapist taught me the most important word of all: FORWARD! You will never be able to figure everything out about that guy and what happened etc. Too many missing pieces to the puzzle. That's how we get stuck, trying to solve and unsolvable puzzle. Trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. I'm so excited for you my dear. The best is yet to come.
 
hopeful said:
Good luck @MzLady78 my therapist taught me the most important word of all: FORWARD! You will never be able to figure everything out about that guy and what happened etc. Too many missing pieces to the puzzle. That's how we get stuck, trying to solve and unsolvable puzzle. Trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. I'm so excited for you my dear. The best is yet to come.
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Thanks @hopeful. I'm feeling a little more optimistic today.

You're right, I would lose my mind trying to analyze everything from the last 7 years. But again, it's not about him anymore. He made his choice, and now I have to choose me. My healing, my happiness and my peace of mind are the only things that matter.
 
So I think he was feeling some type of way because I didn't respond to his apology text message because he started speaking negatively of me to the friends we have in common.

I have washed my hands of him and the whole situation way back when everything hit the fan. I have forgiven him and moved on with my life. He is aware that he has been forgiven but that I also want nothing more to do with him.

So I'm not understanding why my name is STILL in his mouth. It's pathetic.

I had to read my Bible and meditate on scriptures to keep myself from going off on him.
 
Had my first session yesterday. It was pretty much just giving her the background as to what brought me there. When I was done telling the story, she just shook her head and said "you deserve better. You're obviously intelligent, you have a good job, you're very pretty, you can do better". She said we just need to get me to a point where I actually believe it.

My next appointment is the Tuesday after I get back from vacation. I'm leaving Saturday and I. Can't. Wait.
 
MzLady78 said:
Had my first session yesterday. It was pretty much just giving her the background as to what brought me there. When I was done telling the story, she just shook her head and said "you deserve better. You're obviously intelligent, you have a good job, you're very pretty, you can do better". She said we just need to get me to a point where I actually believe it.

My next appointment is the Tuesday after I get back from vacation. I'm leaving Saturday and I. Can't. Wait.
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Have a blast on your vacation!

I really need to take the plunge and talk to a therapist about some things.
 
All4Tris said:
That's awesome @MzLady78!

I decided to go to counseling as well. My second session is today.

I feel like I'm officially over the breakup. Detaching wasn't as difficult as I thought... just took a little time.
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I hope the counseling goes well and you find it helpful. And that's great that you're over your breakup.

It's gonna be awhile before I'm over everything, I think. But I'm doing a lot of reading (I must have like 10 Baggage Reclaim articles bookmarked). I probably look crazy as hell doing it, but I give myself pep talks before I leave for work. I have stickies with positive affirmations on my mirror. And then of course, once I'm back, I'll be doing the counseling regularly.

My self-confidence/self-esteem has taken a real beating in the face of being rejected for the 20th time, so I know that's gonna take some effort to fix.
 
MzLady78 said:
I hope the counseling goes well and you find it helpful. And that's great that you're over your breakup.

It's gonna be awhile before I'm over everything, I think. But I'm doing a lot of reading (I must have like 10 Baggage Reclaim articles bookmarked). I probably look crazy as hell doing it, but I give myself pep talks before I leave for work. I have stickies with positive affirmations on my mirror.

My self-confidence/self-esteem has taken a real beating in the face of being rejected for the 20th time, so I know that's gonna take some effort to fix.
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@MzLady78 :bighug:
 
I hate the emotional roller coaster.

I didn't cry for like a week, and now I've cried for the past 3 days. One minute it's ":censored: him, he ain't ***", hours later it's "why didn't he want me". :crybaby:

:rolleyes:

It's so draining. I think I'm gonna call it a night soon, I have to get up pretty early for my flight anyway. I've been going bed earlier and earlier lately because it's the only way to shut my brain up. I really don't want this to be my life indefinitely, but I don't know how to make it stop.
 
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MzLady78 said:
I hate the emotional roller coaster.

I didn't cry for like a week, and now I've cried for the past 3 days. One minute it's ":censored: him, he ain't ***", hours later it's "why didn't he want me". :crybaby:

:rolleyes:

It's so draining. I think I'm gonna call it a night soon, I have to get up pretty early for my flight anyway. I've been going bed earlier and earlier lately because it's the only way to shut my brain up. I really don't want this to be my life indefinitely, but I don't know how to make it stop.
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It won't be like this forever, so keep faith that one day you'll wake up and you'll be over him. It is going to happen. Also, stop resisting. It is normal to feel pain in a situation like this, so just allow yourself to feel without judgement.

One thing I've noticed about us is that we rarely allow ourselves to feel. We try to control our emotions and we over-analyze every situation. The problem comes when we refuse to surrender to our intuition, and instead we try to fix the problem using logic. That is what happened here. You are a great catch and you were willing to lower your standards to give this man a chance. He had an amazing woman right there in front of him who was willing to go above and beyond to make him happy. How in the hell does he not choose YOU!? It makes no logical sense for him to not be in love with you. So the problem-solver in you jumps in and wants to figure this out and fix it because you need everything in your world to make sense. You will drive yourself crazy using logic to understand the behaviors of damaged people. We have to work on turning off logic and relying more on our feelings and intuition. When things don't feel right, we need to be okay with removing ourselves from the situation, even when the puzzle hasn't been solved. Everything doesn't have to be figured out. Some things are a waste of energy. Had you been in touch with your feelings and intuition, you would have walked away ages ago. When you stop overanalyzing, you'll realize how comforting it can be to allow yourself to be driven by feelings instead of logic in some aspects of life. I'm still working on shutting this brain off because it will quickly take me into a dark place if I allow it to :lol:. Meditation is a good way to exercise having control over your mind.
 
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