hopeful
Well-Known Member
I'm happy to hear that you are doing well. And I like that he apologized and that you didn't say anything back
. Thank you for the update.
Thread for the heartbroken
- Thread starter SurferBabe
- Start date
I'm happy to hear that you are doing well. And I like that he apologized and that you didn't say anything back
. Thank you for the update.
crlsweetie912
Well-Known Member
LovelyRo
Well-Known Member
And now the withdrawal period starts... he texted me all night Monday and up until about 3pm yesterday after the ish hit the fan. I probably shouldn't have responded but, I couldn't help myself. He's such a coward... couldn't even have a conversation with me... couldn't talk to me face to face...
Why is it that I want to talk to the very person that caused me this pain?
I am certain that he isn't what I want... there is no way I would ever be with again.
I just feel like crap. I've had chills going through my body all day. I want to cry but, I can't. I'm longing for the person that I thought he was.
Today, I recollected every gut feeling I had... it took me about a month to get to the bottom of what was really going on. Some other ladies helped me realize that that's progress. I didn't ignore me... even when I tried, I was tormented.
I can't even say that I'm heartbroken... But, I'm hurt. I want to be past this. I keep thinking about him and the other girl working things out after him being exposed and it makes me feel even worse and that makes no sense. In the words of Tasha from Insecure, He's a F' boy that thinks he's a good guy. I mean it got to the point where he was lying about being out of town so that he could juggle his relationships. I gave him a list of reasons why I can't be with him... since he kept asking me to forgive him and try to work it out. Even said he would go to therapy. It was all part of his game.
Typing this actually just made me feel better... why would anyone want a dude like that?
Why is it that I want to talk to the very person that caused me this pain?
I am certain that he isn't what I want... there is no way I would ever be with again.
I just feel like crap. I've had chills going through my body all day. I want to cry but, I can't. I'm longing for the person that I thought he was.
Today, I recollected every gut feeling I had... it took me about a month to get to the bottom of what was really going on. Some other ladies helped me realize that that's progress. I didn't ignore me... even when I tried, I was tormented.
I can't even say that I'm heartbroken... But, I'm hurt. I want to be past this. I keep thinking about him and the other girl working things out after him being exposed and it makes me feel even worse and that makes no sense. In the words of Tasha from Insecure, He's a F' boy that thinks he's a good guy. I mean it got to the point where he was lying about being out of town so that he could juggle his relationships. I gave him a list of reasons why I can't be with him... since he kept asking me to forgive him and try to work it out. Even said he would go to therapy. It was all part of his game.
Typing this actually just made me feel better... why would anyone want a dude like that?
natural2008
Well-Known Member
SurferBabe
Well-Known Member
Hugs. Glad you are okay and found someone to talk to. You're not alone in this. You can get through anything. It is okay to surrender to your emotions when they overwhelm you. What is most important is to not let feelings of guilt or shame bring your mood down further. Be compassionate to yourself. A few months ago I posted about something similar in the single ladies thread. I did something so foolish one weekend that I'm surprised I made it out alive. I didn't know WHAT I was thinking and it took me some time to get past it, but I had to remind myself that none of us are perfect. There are no setbacks, just teachable moments. We're here for you.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Hugs. Glad you are okay and found someone to talk to. You're not alone in this. You can get through anything. It is okay to surrender to your emotions when they overwhelm you. What is most important is to not let feelings of guilt or shame bring your mood down further. Be compassionate to yourself. A few months ago I posted about something similar in the single ladies thread. I did something so foolish one weekend that I'm surprised I made it out alive. I didn't know WHAT I was thinking and it took me some time to get past it, but I had to remind myself that none of us are perfect. There are no setbacks, just teachable moments. We're here for you.
Thank you.
It's gonna be a long, hard road. This pain is like nothing I've ever experienced before. I had to grab a co-worker that I'm really good friends with like 10 minutes after she walked in yesterday to talk cuz I was at my desk about to fall apart.
I'm leaving for Barbados in a little more than 2 weeks. I'm hoping to clear my head a bit, but being away and seeing couples everywhere can be tough, it may make things worse.
oneastrocurlie
Well-Known Member
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
@MzLady78 sorry that you're hurting
I had to go see a therapist 5 years ago and it helped me tremendously. Take care of you
Thanks, ladies.
This is the first time I've ever, for lack of a better term, lost out to another woman, which is a deeper kind of hurt than things just not working out, I think. And I know her so it's a special kind of hell. There's a lot of "why her" and unhealthy comparing to get past on the path to healing.
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crlsweetie912
Well-Known Member
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Y'all who? Me and the chick?
SurferBabe
Well-Known Member
You didn't lose out to anyone but I get how you feel. Remember that thread I made about the guy who played me? That killed my confidence for a while but I'm just now starting to realize that holding on to this idea that there is this ONE person for us is destructive. There are many men out there with whom you will connect on an even deeper level than you did with this one man. I know it is hard for you to see it right now but which seems more likely? That in a universe of billions of people, this one "supreme being" is the only person with some magical capability to connect with you on a deeper level-- or that there are a whole bunch of men who can tap into your heart and connect with you in various ways? Like you, I was so caught up in what I "lost" because I let my ego drive my emotions. I was too focused on feeling like I didn't win. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't chosen. That's crazy. I didn't lose anything. Instead, I was set free to love someone else who is more deserving. You've been set free. Open your heart to the possibility of loving someone else. If you need to heal first, do that. Therapy is a great start. Be good to yourself, and give yourself the love, compassion, and forgiveness that you've given others.
And enjoy your vacation. If couples make you feel bad, ignore them.
Shoot, that's what I do. It's still tough for me so when I'm feeling vulnerable, I avert my eyes and just enjoy the moment with no outside influences. I was at a show over the weekend and everyone was coupled up. I was determined to still enjoy myself so I closed my eyes and just became one with the music... like no one else was there. Fake it 'til you make it. You got this.
crlsweetie912
Well-Known Member
yeah?
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Oh, no.
I have a co-worker that is actually a friend, like we've hung out after work, she's invited me family functions and stuff. She talked to me for like a half an hour calming me down.
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crlsweetie912
Well-Known Member
oh ok.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
You didn't lose out to anyone but I get how you feel. Remember that thread I made about the guy who played me? That killed my confidence for a while but I'm just now starting to realize that holding on to this idea that there is this ONE person for us is destructive. There are many men out there with whom you will connect on an even deeper level than you did with this one man. I know it is hard for you to see it right now but which seems more likely? That in a universe of billions of people, this one "supreme being" is the only person with some magical capability to connect with you on a deeper level-- or that there are a whole bunch of men who can tap into your heart and connect with you in various ways? Like you, I was so caught up in what I "lost" because I let my ego drive my emotions. I was too focused on feeling like I didn't win. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't chosen. That's crazy. I didn't lose anything. Instead, I was set free to love someone else who is more deserving. You've been set free. Open your heart to the possibility of loving someone else. If you need to heal first, do that. Therapy is a great start. Be good to yourself, and give yourself the love, compassion, and forgiveness that you've given others.
And enjoy your vacation. If couples make you feel bad, ignore them.
That is exactly what it feels like. And the crazy thing is, even if I had been "chosen", I still wasn't going to get what I wanted cuz this dude is still supposedly anti-marriage. So basically we would have entered into another "situationship" and we did that for like 3 years.
I'm wondering what's wrong with me, but I think he has some issues of his own. But after 5 days, it's time to stop worrying about him and them and do what I need to do to never let anyone have this much control over me again. I'm definitely going forward with trying to find a therapist. Not do so is not an option.
Thank you for this post, it definitely put some things in perspective.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
*sigh*
This is going to be really hard. I haven't slept through the night not once since this all happened, I just lie there replaying everything over and over again in my head. It's like a broken record I can't turn off.
I just want my life back. I wasn't completely over him, especially after seeing him in January, but I was maintaining. If I had just taken the hint when he blew off my text in April and 4 months went by without a peep (he insisted it wasn't a hint, I don't believe him), I wouldn't be here. But noooo...I had to be weak, unblock him and text him.
This is going to be really hard. I haven't slept through the night not once since this all happened, I just lie there replaying everything over and over again in my head. It's like a broken record I can't turn off.
I just want my life back. I wasn't completely over him, especially after seeing him in January, but I was maintaining. If I had just taken the hint when he blew off my text in April and 4 months went by without a peep (he insisted it wasn't a hint, I don't believe him), I wouldn't be here. But noooo...I had to be weak, unblock him and text him.
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LovelyRo
Well-Known Member
I want this feeling to go away. He doesn't deserve how I'm feeling.
He hasn't reached out since Tuesday but, I finally blocked him yesterday. I keep going back through old texts... Not a good idea. I need to delete those too but, I'm not ready.
He told me that he usually ends one relationship and starts another but, he didn't want to let me go. I knew the timing didn't add up with his previous marriage and an ex. It can't be healthy for me to continue to replay all of this in my mind. I just need to stop.
He hasn't reached out since Tuesday but, I finally blocked him yesterday. I keep going back through old texts... Not a good idea. I need to delete those too but, I'm not ready.
He told me that he usually ends one relationship and starts another but, he didn't want to let me go. I knew the timing didn't add up with his previous marriage and an ex. It can't be healthy for me to continue to replay all of this in my mind. I just need to stop.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
I hope I don't get annoying with my posts, but it helps to type out my thoughts here.
Yesterday was a little better. I haven't cried in 3 days.
FB memories reminded me last weekend, that it was 7 years ago that I told him I had a crush on him. That was the beginning of this saga. I spent 3 years with him, over a year holding on when he had clearly let me go and 3 years trying to move on from everything that happened the previous 4. Almost my entire 30s, I was 32 when we met. How much more of me does he get to take? How much more of my time and my feelings do I really wanna waste on him? I could have possibly met someone and been settled down by now if I hadn't been so hung up on this man who wasn't capable of loving me the way I loved him, the way I deserved. Who very well may not be capable of loving anyone that way. She may have him physically, but she will likely never have all of him, he is the most emotionally unavailable man I have ever met in my life. When I asked him how he felt about me now, he said he was still sorting that out. After all this time, you don't know?
7 years gone and I have NOTHING to show for that time but a broken heart. He ruined a good amount of my past. He doesn't get to ruin my future too.
Yesterday was a little better. I haven't cried in 3 days.
FB memories reminded me last weekend, that it was 7 years ago that I told him I had a crush on him. That was the beginning of this saga. I spent 3 years with him, over a year holding on when he had clearly let me go and 3 years trying to move on from everything that happened the previous 4. Almost my entire 30s, I was 32 when we met. How much more of me does he get to take? How much more of my time and my feelings do I really wanna waste on him? I could have possibly met someone and been settled down by now if I hadn't been so hung up on this man who wasn't capable of loving me the way I loved him, the way I deserved. Who very well may not be capable of loving anyone that way. She may have him physically, but she will likely never have all of him, he is the most emotionally unavailable man I have ever met in my life. When I asked him how he felt about me now, he said he was still sorting that out. After all this time, you don't know?
7 years gone and I have NOTHING to show for that time but a broken heart. He ruined a good amount of my past. He doesn't get to ruin my future too.
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ivyness
Well-Known Member
You didn't come out of this with nothing, you learnt a huge lesson. Usually I take this to mean about how to deal with future relationships. But in your case, it also applies to the man you described below. Let. Him. Go. Big hug and praying for you.
lavaflow99
In search of the next vacation
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Yay for no tears for 3 days!! @MzLady78 Got to celebrate all the small victories.With each passing day, you will get stronger and he will become an non-MF factor.
I think that FB memories ish is so annoying. And are you still FB friends with him? If so, delete/block/hide him please.
No, we were never friends on FB, I don't even think he has one.
I've been deleting any posts about him as they come up, though.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I don't like those Facebook memories either. Bringing up crap from years ago that you ain't even been thinking about
.
lavaflow99
In search of the next vacation
I don't like those Facebook memories either. Bringing up crap from years ago that you ain't even been thinking about
Oh ok good to hear that. Ugh that FB memories ish is really pissing me off even more now. Conjuring up "memories" that folks ain't trying to remember.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
So...this dude is an absolute piece of ****.
I found out the following from my ex bf:
-He lied to me when he said they weren't seeing each other in January.
- He told her he never said he loved me, that we were just FWB. He even has her convinced this weekend we spent together snowed in a hotel at the beginning of our relationship never happened. My ex is like "you really think she went through all these years of heartache over someone who never even said he loved her?"
- She pays most of the time when they go out
I'm not even tripping off whether or not he loved me. I think he felt something for me, but I don't believe it was love. I loved him and I would never do the things to him that he did to me. I don't think he loves anyone but himself. He's messing with her head the way he messed with mine. She's in denial because she doesn't wanna believe that she got got by the "nice" guy, like I did. Oh well, that's her journey, IDGAF about that.
I hesitated about having this conversation with him, because I knew some stuff was gonna come out that was going to drive the knife deeper into my heart. Him saying that he never said he loved me definitely stung when I first read it. But I actually feel like I can breathe for the first time since this all happened. I know it shouldn't have taken all this coming out for me to see that she really isn't winning, but it did, and I'm grateful. I honestly needed it. Because I have poor impulse control, I text him and told him I know he lied to me, I know what he told her, and that he's a horrible person who never deserved me anyway. That I know he doesn't care about what he's done to me, but he has some karma coming to him. And that's it. I'm done forever, if he even responds, I'm not replying. He's not worth my time or my keystrokes. He's trash. All this crappy treatment of someone who was only trying to love him. As flawed as I may be, I am and will always be a better person than him.
I am still going to go forward with the therapy, because I know that I still need to address why I held on so long. I'm having a hard time finding someone, but I'll keep searching. But at least I no longer feel like I'm going to lose my mind in the meantime.
I found out the following from my ex bf:
-He lied to me when he said they weren't seeing each other in January.
- He told her he never said he loved me, that we were just FWB. He even has her convinced this weekend we spent together snowed in a hotel at the beginning of our relationship never happened. My ex is like "you really think she went through all these years of heartache over someone who never even said he loved her?"
- She pays most of the time when they go out
I'm not even tripping off whether or not he loved me. I think he felt something for me, but I don't believe it was love. I loved him and I would never do the things to him that he did to me. I don't think he loves anyone but himself. He's messing with her head the way he messed with mine. She's in denial because she doesn't wanna believe that she got got by the "nice" guy, like I did. Oh well, that's her journey, IDGAF about that.
I hesitated about having this conversation with him, because I knew some stuff was gonna come out that was going to drive the knife deeper into my heart. Him saying that he never said he loved me definitely stung when I first read it. But I actually feel like I can breathe for the first time since this all happened. I know it shouldn't have taken all this coming out for me to see that she really isn't winning, but it did, and I'm grateful. I honestly needed it. Because I have poor impulse control, I text him and told him I know he lied to me, I know what he told her, and that he's a horrible person who never deserved me anyway. That I know he doesn't care about what he's done to me, but he has some karma coming to him. And that's it. I'm done forever, if he even responds, I'm not replying. He's not worth my time or my keystrokes. He's trash. All this crappy treatment of someone who was only trying to love him. As flawed as I may be, I am and will always be a better person than him.
I am still going to go forward with the therapy, because I know that I still need to address why I held on so long. I'm having a hard time finding someone, but I'll keep searching. But at least I no longer feel like I'm going to lose my mind in the meantime.
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SurferBabe
Well-Known Member
@MzLady78
You're going to have to cut all of these people out of your life and completely divest from this entire situation. I know it is tough because you are mentally and spiritually still tied to this man. Your mind and body have no idea how to function without his presence-- either physically or emotionally. Thoughts of him have become a habit for you. You're going to have you starve your body and mind of him. I know you've done this before and have relapsed, but don't let that stop you from having faith that you can finally cut those ties. People bounce back from even more dangerous addictions. Start again. Day 1. Block his number and deactivate your FB profile until you heal.
You're going to have to cut all of these people out of your life and completely divest from this entire situation. I know it is tough because you are mentally and spiritually still tied to this man. Your mind and body have no idea how to function without his presence-- either physically or emotionally. Thoughts of him have become a habit for you. You're going to have you starve your body and mind of him. I know you've done this before and have relapsed, but don't let that stop you from having faith that you can finally cut those ties. People bounce back from even more dangerous addictions. Start again. Day 1. Block his number and deactivate your FB profile until you heal.
MzLady78
Well-Known Member
Oh, he has been blocked for good this time. I'm done.
It was a knee jerk reaction to text him and tell him I knew, and I wish I hadn't. I wish I had paused and realized it didn't matter because he doesn't GAF what I know. But I can't change it, all I can do is make sure I never contact him again.
But this is it. No more tears, no more time, no more thoughts of him. He's a low life who needs some therapy his damn self.
hopeful
Well-Known Member
I've learned that we all slip up sometimes and we just have to forgive ourselves and quickly and firmly redirect our minds to something more productive. My therapist says that our minds are like spoiled children. They think all sorts of things that may not make sense for an adult. They throw tantrums and want their way. We have to be in charge of our minds, feel our emotions, but at the same time be more logical as well. And it takes practice. Lots of practice, meditation, and extreme SELF care. A good therapist will help you with all of this so that you can heal more quickly and get on with your life.
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