Luckily I have my own place so I am safe.
I'm over the shock now and just trying to be strong for myself and move on. It's hard when you feel like you're just trying to figure out why it had to happen.
Thread for the heartbroken
- Thread starter SurferBabe
- Start date
Luckily I have my own place so I am safe.
I'm over the shock now and just trying to be strong for myself and move on. It's hard when you feel like you're just trying to figure out why it had to happen.
natural2008
Well-Known Member
@BlueEra - has he made contact with you sense all of this has gone down? Can you file a restraining order so there is a paper trail?
KiSseS03
Well-Known Member
@hopeful There is sooooo much truth in this statement.For some reason some of us are more swayed by words than others. I mean the person can flagrantly show us I don't care that much, I'm selfish, you are not a priority, but if they say I love you and you mean the world to me, we swoon. Once we see it for what it is we become safer, much less gullible. Something in our heart is like but I don't feel loved and I don't feel like a priority. Deep inside most of us know the truth. It's a mind game I suppose. The situation would be funny if you think about it, if it didn't end up hurting us so much and wasting so much time.
I started bolding sections of your words, but then decided that the entire thing bears repeating. This is something I have had to process as my last relationship ended. A person can say anything, and even mean what they say, but when their actions and words don't align you really need to look at the evidence (actions).
KiSseS03
Well-Known Member
So I took the advice from this thread and blocked my ex. We have had absolutely zero contact in about 2 weeks. I have been up and down emotionally in the ensuing days, but there have been more ups than downs and today I had a revelation and feel so much peace.
I realized that being single in this season of my life is nothing to be sad about. Yes, my ultimate relationship goal is to meet an amazing, loving man and marry him, but this time to myself provides me with the opportunity to focus solely on me, becoming the best, happiest, most authentic, version of me. I have time to be a better friend, daughter, sister, aunt and to find ways to bring myself joy. I have spent the past four years almost exclusively as someone's girlfriend, and in those years although I matured I didn't have the gift of focusing solely on me. This time to myself is a blessing.
I hope this next part does not come across as conceited, in fact I hope that other women in this thread feel the same about themselves... So I realized today that I am freaking amazing, and a man would be blessed to have me. Truly I am a prize. I am beautiful, well educated, I'm going to change lives in my career, I am deeply involved in the betterment of my community, I can sing, I have a great shape, I have a sweet, optimistic personality, I have a great family and wonderful social network. The fact that my ex did not see or value these qualities does nothing to negate them.
I realized that being single in this season of my life is nothing to be sad about. Yes, my ultimate relationship goal is to meet an amazing, loving man and marry him, but this time to myself provides me with the opportunity to focus solely on me, becoming the best, happiest, most authentic, version of me. I have time to be a better friend, daughter, sister, aunt and to find ways to bring myself joy. I have spent the past four years almost exclusively as someone's girlfriend, and in those years although I matured I didn't have the gift of focusing solely on me. This time to myself is a blessing.
I hope this next part does not come across as conceited, in fact I hope that other women in this thread feel the same about themselves... So I realized today that I am freaking amazing, and a man would be blessed to have me. Truly I am a prize.
I am beautiful, well educated, I'm going to change lives in my career, I am deeply involved in the betterment of my community, I can sing, I have a great shape, I have a sweet, optimistic personality, I have a great family and wonderful social network. The fact that my ex did not see or value these qualities does nothing to negate them. 
lalla
Well-Known Member
A few other mistakes:
- trusting his words other his actions
- being too generous and too trusting
- having his circle of friends become mine (I was living in his country when all of this happened)
Fine 4s
Well-Known Member
@KiSseS03
I hope this next part does not come across as conceited, in fact I hope that other women in this thread feel the same about themselves... So I realized today that I am freaking amazing, and a man would be blessed to have me. Truly I am a prize. I am beautiful, well educated, I'm going to change lives in my career, I am deeply involved in the betterment of my community, I can sing, I have a great shape, I have a sweet, optimistic personality, I have a great family and wonderful social network. The fact that my ex did not see or value these qualities does nothing to negate them. [/QUOTE]
Love this!!!!
And let me just say this....enjoy the time spent doing anything you kot damn want! I mean shower if you want to, brush your teeth if you want to, fart all night cuz you wanted bean soup for dinner or walk around in that funky protective style that's aweful but it's good for your hair LMAO...I swear. Some days when he's not there are the BEST! hahahahahaha...
Everything has a pro and a con.....
I hope this next part does not come across as conceited, in fact I hope that other women in this thread feel the same about themselves... So I realized today that I am freaking amazing, and a man would be blessed to have me. Truly I am a prize.
I am beautiful, well educated, I'm going to change lives in my career, I am deeply involved in the betterment of my community, I can sing, I have a great shape, I have a sweet, optimistic personality, I have a great family and wonderful social network. The fact that my ex did not see or value these qualities does nothing to negate them. [/QUOTE]Love this!!!!
And let me just say this....enjoy the time spent doing anything you kot damn want! I mean shower if you want to, brush your teeth if you want to, fart all night cuz you wanted bean soup for dinner or walk around in that funky protective style that's aweful but it's good for your hair LMAO...I swear. Some days when he's not there are the BEST! hahahahahaha...
Everything has a pro and a con.....
Fine 4s
Well-Known Member
gn1g
Well-Known Member
Dear God,
Strengthen these ladies, gather each one that has a broken heart, assign strong and ministering angels to her and help her to move forward. Let her know that better days are ahead. Amen.
Let not your hearts be trouble. This too will pass, it's just a matter of time.
Strengthen these ladies, gather each one that has a broken heart, assign strong and ministering angels to her and help her to move forward. Let her know that better days are ahead. Amen.
Let not your hearts be trouble. This too will pass, it's just a matter of time.
KiSseS03
Well-Known Member
I found out my ex has a new girlfriend. We've been broken up for 3 months. He professed his love for me 6 weeks ago, and called me from another country 5 weeks ago to say how much he missed me.
More proof that I should not be swayed by words.
This stings, but it will pass.
More proof that I should not be swayed by words.
This stings, but it will pass.
. Let the next gf deal with his bs.
KiSseS03
Well-Known Member
Today's coping with heartbreak action plan:
1) Deleted all social media, because it makes me feel worse.
2) Talking to my girl's that love me.
3) Manicure.
4) Going for a walk because I need to exercise even when I don't feel like it.
5) Going to the bank to finalize finances for freaking MED school
6) Going out to celebrate with friends tonight, but abstaining from alcohol because I need ZERO depressants in my system.
7) Posting my sadness in this no judgement zone.
1) Deleted all social media, because it makes me feel worse.
2) Talking to my girl's that love me.
3) Manicure.
4) Going for a walk because I need to exercise even when I don't feel like it.
5) Going to the bank to finalize finances for freaking MED school
6) Going out to celebrate with friends tonight, but abstaining from alcohol because I need ZERO depressants in my system.
7) Posting my sadness in this no judgement zone.
KiSseS03
Well-Known Member
So I did almost everything on the above list today, except for the walk. I tended to my hair instead lol. And as I lay down to bed I feel empowered, and know that I will get past this.
1) Talking: I talked to my sister and 3 other empathetic girlfriends that love me, and they were all so understanding and helped me me to reframe my thinking.
2) Beauty: I got my manicure and wore my hair in a high bun. I was dressed in a racerback crop top and a skirt and I felt like the best parts of me were featured (i.e. newly flat tummy and arms). I felt beautiful, and received compliments on my toned arms.
3) Social Life: I had a wonderful time reminiscing with childhood friends, over diet Gingerale in a champagne flute, and nobody batted an eye. At the end of the night we went to a dive bar in my hometown. I stayed until it was no longer fun for me, and then honoured my body and came home.
At some point during the day I realized that I was picking parts of my self apart, and I have come up with a zero tolerance policy for that. I would never entertain a friend who put me down, and I'm not participating in any of that behaviour in my own head anymore. I'm all about the mental health first aid: EXTRA self-love, self-compassion and affirmations to crowd out any negative thoughts.
Sometime during this day I also came to the revelation that he is doing what he wants with his life with no regards for my feelings. I need to stop allowing myself to worry and be upset by his actions; he is not accountable to me any longer and he is also NOT the man that I fell in love with. I need to accept this fact, do my best to Ray Charles any BS. I can choose to not let it effect me and consider my own feelings.
Finally, just a reminder to me: He does not love me because his words do not match his actions.
1) Talking: I talked to my sister and 3 other empathetic girlfriends that love me, and they were all so understanding and helped me me to reframe my thinking.
2) Beauty: I got my manicure and wore my hair in a high bun. I was dressed in a racerback crop top and a skirt and I felt like the best parts of me were featured (i.e. newly flat tummy and arms). I felt beautiful, and received compliments on my toned arms.
3) Social Life: I had a wonderful time reminiscing with childhood friends, over diet Gingerale in a champagne flute, and nobody batted an eye. At the end of the night we went to a dive bar in my hometown. I stayed until it was no longer fun for me, and then honoured my body and came home.
At some point during the day I realized that I was picking parts of my self apart, and I have come up with a zero tolerance policy for that. I would never entertain a friend who put me down, and I'm not participating in any of that behaviour in my own head anymore. I'm all about the mental health first aid: EXTRA self-love, self-compassion and affirmations to crowd out any negative thoughts.
Sometime during this day I also came to the revelation that he is doing what he wants with his life with no regards for my feelings. I need to stop allowing myself to worry and be upset by his actions; he is not accountable to me any longer and he is also NOT the man that I fell in love with. I need to accept this fact, do my best to Ray Charles any BS. I can choose to not let it effect me and consider my own feelings.
Finally, just a reminder to me: He does not love me because his words do not match his actions.
lalla
Well-Known Member
It's been almost a month since I broke up with him.
I've been to 4 different countries since, met a lot of friends, saw my family. I opened up about my experience and realised a lot of my friends had been through similar things.
I am staying with my family and I will start a new job this week. I am very happy about that.
At one point I had started to obsess about what I should have done earlier (about the cheating). Then I realised I can't be in a relationship where I have to police the man all the time. Just not what I'm looking for.
I've been to 4 different countries since, met a lot of friends, saw my family. I opened up about my experience and realised a lot of my friends had been through similar things.
I am staying with my family and I will start a new job this week. I am very happy about that.
At one point I had started to obsess about what I should have done earlier (about the cheating). Then I realised I can't be in a relationship where I have to police the man all the time. Just not what I'm looking for.
gn1g
Well-Known Member
Sometimes we try to make men fit us
shrinking ourselves and deeming our lights to try and make a couple
pushing the truth deep down in our subconscious
knowing all the time
He was coming up short
Not the part
Not the man
that will help us
that will move us
along this journey to
become our best
our greatest selves
Yes, you remember
ignoring all the signs
all the conversations
Now the whisper
that thought you had in the beginning
has turned into
a loud clinging sound
"it's time to move on"
and he can not accompany you any further
its time to separate the wheat from the tare
It's painful but
only for a little while
baby girl, God has a plan for your life
a destiny with an expected end that does
not include him.
shrinking ourselves and deeming our lights to try and make a couple
pushing the truth deep down in our subconscious
knowing all the time
He was coming up short
Not the part
Not the man
that will help us
that will move us
along this journey to
become our best
our greatest selves
Yes, you remember
ignoring all the signs
all the conversations
Now the whisper
that thought you had in the beginning
has turned into
a loud clinging sound
"it's time to move on"
and he can not accompany you any further
its time to separate the wheat from the tare
It's painful but
only for a little while
baby girl, God has a plan for your life
a destiny with an expected end that does
not include him.
KiSseS03
Well-Known Member
Hi ladies! I spoke to an amazing counsellor friend today who gave me some awesome advice.
Right now you may not feel like it, but when we are hurt the most important thing we can do is take AMAZING care of ourselves. Eat well, exercise, do our hair, speak to ourselves with loving words, be extra gentle, say affirmations, create a healthy bedtime routine.... whatever self care looks like to you. It is so important as breakups can severely challenge our self-esteem and self worth. We have to show ourselves extra love, to rebuild our self esteem and to prove to ourselves that we matter. <3
Right now you may not feel like it, but when we are hurt the most important thing we can do is take AMAZING care of ourselves. Eat well, exercise, do our hair, speak to ourselves with loving words, be extra gentle, say affirmations, create a healthy bedtime routine.... whatever self care looks like to you. It is so important as breakups can severely challenge our self-esteem and self worth. We have to show ourselves extra love, to rebuild our self esteem and to prove to ourselves that we matter. <3
gn1g
Well-Known Member
It's on the way.
I have found in my own life, that when I am really attracted to a song, there's usually a prophetic message in it for me.
KiSseS03
Well-Known Member
Hi ladies.
I have been talking to my amazing girlfriends and they have all told me that this breakup is permanent and for the best mainly for the following reasons:
1) I told them throughout the relationship that I didn't think he was the one/felt like I was settling.
2) He repeatedly showed me (sometimes in blatant ways) that he was a selfish person/wasn't loving or even particularly nice to me.
3) I am more accomplished/worldly and can do much better.
Today I got quiet and realized that I need to investigate how I actually feel. I can't depend on my friends' opinions to heal me. See, I agree with everything that my girlfriends have told me, but what I don't understand is how I can *know* all of these truths and still want to be with him, still feel so sad and hurt that he's moving on, still want him to reach out to me. Why on earth do I want someone who I *know* doesn't deserve me; someone who was only a good partner 25% of the time? How messed up is that.
Any help?
I have been talking to my amazing girlfriends and they have all told me that this breakup is permanent and for the best mainly for the following reasons:
1) I told them throughout the relationship that I didn't think he was the one/felt like I was settling.
2) He repeatedly showed me (sometimes in blatant ways) that he was a selfish person/wasn't loving or even particularly nice to me.
3) I am more accomplished/worldly and can do much better.
Today I got quiet and realized that I need to investigate how I actually feel. I can't depend on my friends' opinions to heal me. See, I agree with everything that my girlfriends have told me, but what I don't understand is how I can *know* all of these truths and still want to be with him, still feel so sad and hurt that he's moving on, still want him to reach out to me. Why on earth do I want someone who I *know* doesn't deserve me; someone who was only a good partner 25% of the time? How messed up is that.
Any help?
hopeful
Well-Known Member
@KiSseS03
A poster on here recently made a comment that stuck with me. It was something like the heartbroken person is grieving for the companionship, a close, romantic relationship with another human being, not really the person. I will try to find the exact comment. But what you are feeling now is normal. Please read the codependent thread to get perspective on why you continued the relationship despite what your instincts were telling you. It is good that you get to the root of that. I think it will then be harder to get in the same type of relationship in the future. Many of these men nowadays are super shady and tricky, figure out how to do just enough to keep you hooked. In essence they play with you and your mind. I think you are on the right track. Keep posting and sharing. It's part of your healing process.
A poster on here recently made a comment that stuck with me. It was something like the heartbroken person is grieving for the companionship, a close, romantic relationship with another human being, not really the person. I will try to find the exact comment. But what you are feeling now is normal. Please read the codependent thread to get perspective on why you continued the relationship despite what your instincts were telling you. It is good that you get to the root of that. I think it will then be harder to get in the same type of relationship in the future. Many of these men nowadays are super shady and tricky, figure out how to do just enough to keep you hooked. In essence they play with you and your mind. I think you are on the right track. Keep posting and sharing. It's part of your healing process.
KiSseS03
Well-Known Member
@hopeful Thank you so much. I think you are right. I am missing the closeness and companionship. I also want to say thank you for the other words that you have shared, you have been so sweet and kind and I truly appreciate it. 
I will definitely check the codependency thread!
On another note. I had dinner tonight with a friend that I haven't seen in years. We talked and laughed, and had a great time. I also shared what I have been going through lately. She has been able to heal from a 6 year relationship and has found love again. I feel uplifted and peaceful again after a sad afternoon. I have hope that I am going to get through this healing period and be truly happy again.
I will definitely check the codependency thread!On another note. I had dinner tonight with a friend that I haven't seen in years. We talked and laughed, and had a great time. I also shared what I have been going through lately. She has been able to heal from a 6 year relationship and has found love again. I feel uplifted and peaceful again after a sad afternoon. I have hope that I am going to get through this healing period and be truly happy again.
KiSseS03
Well-Known Member
More advice from my counsellor:
On another note today is the happiest, most peaceful and lightest I have felt in the past 10 days.
- Venting definitely has a place when dealing with a traumatic event, but after a period of time the act of constantly, re-hashing and re-living everything has a re-traumatizing effect.
- Rationalizing (e.g. this breakup is a good thing because he did x,y,z) is not helping my healing process. Reason 1: I've been using rationalization to avoid actually dealing with my feelings. Reason 2: The evidence is abundantly clear that this is for the best, but it makes no difference in my healing because the hurt has nothing to do with reason and everything to do with my internal dialogue.
On another note today is the happiest, most peaceful and lightest I have felt in the past 10 days.
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