Thread for the heartbroken

good, @KiSseS03

Get you some good music, i prefer praise music. and play it in times of saddness music soothes our wounded souls. Get involved, air out your house sadness has a way of filling the house. let the sunshine in and force yourself to get up and get out sometimes. It's good that you went to a fashion show.
 
gn1g said:
good, @KiSseS03

Get you some good music, i prefer praise music. and play it in times of saddness music soothes our wounded souls. Get involved, air out your house sadness has a way of filling the house. let the sunshine in and force yourself to get up and get out sometimes. It's good that you went to a fashion show.
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Thanks lady! You are so right with regards to music. Music has been absolutely essential in this healing process :) Thank you so much for the advice.
 
I was making great progress on my self care/self love journey when my ex slowly slid back into my life. He started texting me, then calling me, then we visited and had "date nights." We started talking about trying again, he called me one night to tell me that he had made a mistake, that he wished I was with him (on vacation), he called me to share his promotion... I was totally back in limbo.. and then he went silent a week ago.

I'm doing fine now, but this past week has made me realize that I need to completely cut ties with him. I can't do this in between thing and truly move on, I can't continue to allow him to disappoint me-- at some point it becomes my responsibility. Thankfully I'm in a much better place emotionally than I was two months ago. I look better and feel better. I recognize what happened and I'm putting it behind me. My heart is becoming lighter.
 
KiSseS03 said:
I was making great progress on my self care/self love journey when my ex slowly slid back into my life. He started texting me, then calling me, then we visited and had "date nights." We started talking about trying again, he called me one night to tell me that he had made a mistake, that he wished I was with him (on vacation), he called me to share his promotion... I was totally back in limbo.. and then he went silent a week ago.

I'm doing fine now, but this past week has made me realize that I need to completely cut ties with him. I can't do this in between thing and truly move on, I can't continue to allow him to disappoint me-- at some point it becomes my responsibility. Thankfully I'm in a much better place emotionally than I was two months ago. I look better and feel better. I recognize what happened and I'm putting it behind me. My heart is becoming lighter.
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Ugh, I'm sorry. I know what it's like to get sucked back in, only to be disappointed again. There's still times when I really hate that it appears to be so easy for him to stay away. But I know that him coming in and out of my life would only hurt me in the end, and I've been hurt enough.
 
I had to really get tired of the yo-yos n order to be out for good and it took me YEARS.
I'd be in relationships with others but if he wanted back in, I was with it.
The last go around we had, I didn't go back and his ego was all jacked up.
Then, as I always do, we remained associate-friends. But then, he'd text me comments that made it seem like he was still trying.
I was annoyed by the thought of him THINKING that he still had it like that, so I blocked him....he still blocked to this day and it's been years lol. I was so over him that his attempt to weasel back in were pathetic, annoying and insulting. But it took me years to get there.
My lesson is when it's done, it's done. Close the door, close the curtains and just move on. Pretend his dead. For real.
 
I was engaged. Now I'm not.
I don't want to spend my life apoligizing for my achievements: I'm educated, with a sucessful career. I am beautiful and smart. Deal with it, be proud of it or just leave me alone.
In the past few years, I've lost my brother who also was my best friend and my fiance. I still live with that pain but I refuse to be less than I could. I don't want to live in the shadows, I don't want to forget my dreams and hide my successes because some man is insecure.
 
I haven't had 6 hours of sleep since Sunday. I went through so many emotions these past few days. Anger at myself and at him as I discovered how much of a liar he has been. Grief. Pity for him now. Talking to my family and his has allowed me to move on.
My mistakes:
- Not knowing his whole family history before getting involved. He didn't know it either though. But having a absentee fake dad then an absentee real dad, growing up with his grandparents then with his overcompensating mother. All of these led to a sense of entitlement, daddy issues etc... He never knew what a real couple was (his granddad had several wives) so that wasn't a good foundation for a solid relationship.
- Being fooled by the fancy gifts. He didn't even know what I actually cared about or wanted. The gifts were for himself rather than for me.
- Giving him the benfit of the doubt too many times. Culture doesn't explain everything and there are some things you cannot learn as an adult.
- Doubting yourself when something doesn't feel right. If something feels wrong in your relationship, it most certainly is.
 
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lalla said:
I haven't had 6 hours of sleep since Sunday. I went through so many emotions these past few days. Anger at myself and at him as I discovered how much of a liar he has been. Grief. Pity for him now. Talking to my family and his has allowed me to move on.
My mistakes:
- Not knowing his whole family history before getting involved. He didn't know it either though. But having a absentee fake dad then an absentee real dad, growing up with his grandparents then with his overcompensating mother. All of these led to a sense of entitlement, daddy issues etc... He never knew what a real couple was (his granddad had several wives) so that wasn't a good foundation for a solid relationship.
- Being fooled by the fancy gifts. He didn't even know what I actually cared about or wanted. The gifts were for himself rather than for me.
- Giving him the benfit of the doubt too many times. Culture doesn't explain everything and there are some things you cannot learn as an adult.
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I felt like i could have written this
 
Fine 4s said:
@lalla

Fancy gifts = you deserve them > not a mistake.
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I think she is saying she mistakenly thought the gifts meant more than they did. They were a manipulative tool to make her think he was more committed and cared more about her than he actually did. In retrospect she realizes the gifts were more about him and what he liked/wanted vs. about her and genuinely wanting to please her.
 
@hopeful
You're right! Weird. I was thinking one thing and typed another.
Initially, I was thinking about my ex when read her post. I also learned the same gift lesson but with his house key.
I thought he was more committed because of that damn key. But nope!

@hopeful, I don't like the thought of her blaming herself for missing flags. When we see these people for who they really are, how do we avoid blaming ourselves for missing flags? What about the possibility of some people being simply good actors? Not to absolve myself from any personal responsibility but...we do it too much though. How long were you together @lalla?
 
Fine 4s said:
@hopeful
...
I don't like the thought of her blaming herself for missing flags. When we see these people for who they really are, how do we avoid blaming ourselves for missing flags? What about the possibility of some people being simply good actors? Not to absolve myself from any personal responsibility but...we do it too much though. How long were you together @lalla?
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I see what you are saying. Not so much blaming, but more so learning lessons and taking full responsibility for ourselves. Some people are very good actors/con men, but the more I read most women still instinctively know something is wrong or off, but either don't trust their feelings or trust the guys words over his actions and their feelings.
 
hopeful said:
I see what you are saying. Not so much blaming, but more so learning lessons and taking full responsibility for ourselves. Some people are very good actors/con men, but the more I read most women still instinctively know something is wrong or off, but either don't trust their feelings or trust the guys words over his actions and their feelings.
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Agreed. I know this has absolutely been the case for me, particularly trusting words over actions. I know better now though, believe that. :yep:
 
MzLady78 said:
Agreed. I know this has absolutely been the case for me, particularly trusting words over actions. I know better now though, believe that. :yep:
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For some reason some of us are more swayed by words than others. I mean the person can flagrantly show us I don't care that much, I'm selfish, you are not a priority, but if they say I love you and you mean the world to me, we swoon. Once we see it for what it is we become safer, much less gullible. Something in our heart is like but I don't feel loved and I don't feel like a priority:nono:. Deep inside most of us know the truth. It's a mind game I suppose. The situation would be funny if you think about it, if it didn't end up hurting us so much and wasting so much time.
 
Fine 4s said:
@hopeful
You're right! Weird. I was thinking one thing and typed another.
Initially, I was thinking about my ex when read her post. I also learned the same gift lesson but with his house key.
I thought he was more committed because of that damn key. But nope!

@hopeful, I don't like the thought of her blaming herself for missing flags. When we see these people for who they really are, how do we avoid blaming ourselves for missing flags? What about the possibility of some people being simply good actors? Not to absolve myself from any personal responsibility but...we do it too much though. How long were you together @lalla?
Click to expand...

I had been with him for 20 months. Truth be told I had started to doubt the relationship months ago. I complained, I even broke up once with him. The thing is even though I doubted his capacity to build a stable relationship I still trusted him. I believed him when he said he would try to do better, when he told me he was drinking less when he became less extravagant. I shouldn't have because he is a liar and is also very selfish.

Several weeks before I broke up with him I had made a list of the things that I didn't like about him (drank too much, went out alone too much, spent too much, could/would have a negative impact on my career/reputation, didn't respect me enough etc.) and concluded that our couple was doomed. For a time after that I was just going through the motions.

I think at this point it's mostly my ego that's hurting. I know I shouldn't have stayed that long but at one point it just became so comfortable. And I resent him now for not treating me right: I think I deserve gratitude and respect and I'm not getting it and it hurts. It's foolish, at this point his opinion of me shouldn't count anymore.
 
(((Lalla))) I'm so sorry. He is a compulsive, addicted, unstable person. People like that can't love consistently and dependably no matter how hard the try until they 1, admit they have a problem, and 2, seek some type of treatment. I suggest you join us in the Codependent thread. I think it might help you. Give yourself some time. You will heal.
 
@BlueEra ... Sorry for your pain. Learning from this situation is good. But, don't beat yourself up. Remember to treat yourself with the same kindness that you demand and you should be at least able to move on with the ability to trust your judgment in the future and with hope for a better situation.
 
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