Thread for the heartbroken

Ugh, I guess everyone's having a hard time the last few days. :(

I was over here listening to some old school R&B, having a merry old time until one song came on and I had to stop myself from having a complete meltdown. Like literally telling myself "no, you're not gonna do this". I'm not even sure why this particular song made me feel this way.

7 months later and I'm still hurting. And that's just counting from the time things were officially over, not even the months before that I knew in my heart they were. SMDH.
 
I have also thought about going back to therapy because I feel like I shouldn't still be angry and hurt after all this time. But by seeing them everyday, It makes it hard to do. To have to constantly see him and the person he chose over me, makes it very hard to move on.
 
Rae81 said:
I have also thought about going back to therapy because I feel like I shouldn't still be angry and hurt after all this time. But by seeing them everyday, It makes it hard to do. To have to constantly see him and the person he chose over me, makes it very hard to move on.
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I can't even imagine. :nono: There's really only one place where I risk running into him and avoid it like the plague. I'm just not ready for that.
 
sylver2 said:
i'm going to drop this right here. I'm hoping this will help at least one of u ladies.
((hugs))
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1blGVycJqM
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sylver2

This is powerful. "Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!" ️Thank you so much for sharing this. This begging thing is so deep-seated. It's not even really about that person or the current, adult you. It's about the little girl you and the person who disappointed you and didn't give you what you wanted and needed at the time. That person way back then never changed no matter what we did, but hope springs eternal. The truth though is nothing good comes from begging. Begging is a child's behavior: please, please, please ... Letting go and taking full responsibility for ourselves and our well-being is adult behavior. It's hard to grow up though when our foundation is shaky or like quicksand. We have to tear down and rebuild so that we are healthy, strong, and happy enough to never beg anyone to love us or be there for us.
 
Arian said:
Each day is better. I always hope that my healing is quick. I have found that the more I am hurt, the quicker it is for me to get over the next hurtful event. The last few mornings, when my mind was quiet, I found myself thinking...and the thinking was negative. But when I get up and start moving around, those negative feelings begin to diminish. My friends have been super supportive, even though they say I inadvertently put myself in these impossible situations. I agree with them.

Some things I can see crashing and burning from a mile away, but I still go for it. Like a boss... lol
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My "ex" reached out to me several times over the last two weeks. The last contact was Easter Sunday--just to let me know that I was being searched for on Facebook and Instagram. This proved to be difficult since I am on neither social media outlet at this time because of my loc journey (wanted to take some time off until my hair journey was complete). The painful moments have become less and less now, and it has been two months. Even my quiet moments are spent doing other things and not thinking too hard...

I *think* that the reason for this is because I got a chance to angrily speak my piece (via Facetime--not my idea either). If it had been left up to me, nothing would have ever been said. I wrote a letter to serve as an outlet for my feelings, but I never sent it. But when I was asked to speak on Facetime, I agreed and put it all on the table. That conversation made me feel better and I walked away feeling like I could finally let go--for good. My heart is full, though...I'm the first to admit that seeing the person that hurt you brings back a multitude of emotions--the "feel good" ones that make you wish for the better moments to return. I definitely miss what we had, but I keep asking myself one profound question: "What's the alternative?"
 
I'm an emotional wreck right now. I feel so broken and now the tears are just running down my face. I'm in my feelings. I'm heartbroken. I'm sad. It hurts so bad to feel unloved and unwanted. About 2 years ago I got involved with a guy. I expressed to him I wanted more and not just a friend with benefits. I expressed my desire to settle down, get married, & start a family. I wanted more from him and he wanted less. I poured my heart out to this dude and eventually decided I had to let him go. I couldn't keep engaging in unhealthy relationships that weren't going anywhere. He and I have remained cordial with each other & are even fb friends. Now he's posting pictures of him and his girlfriend. I'm so hurt. I wonder if he was involved with her whenever he and I were involved with each other. He knew I wanted a relationship & commitment from him. Now he's all on fb posting pictures of them. I feel like I wasn't good enough but she is. I was so upset I couldn't even sleep last night.
 
MzLady78 said:
Ugh, I guess everyone's having a hard time the last few days. :(

I was over here listening to some old school R&B, having a merry old time until one song came on and I had to stop myself from having a complete meltdown. Like literally telling myself "no, you're not gonna do this". I'm not even sure why this particular song made me feel this way.

7 months later and I'm still hurting. And that's just counting from the time things were officially over, not even the months before that I knew in my heart they were. SMDH.
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Last summer I couldn't listen to love songs or oldie but goodies cause it reminded me of him. Just the other day I was listening to Keith Sweat radio and a song came on that reminded me of him and running my fingers through his hair. I didn't lose it so that is growth for me. I still have to deal with him because we share a child. I had to explained to her that we loved esch other but we only loved each other wrong not right. She was hoping we would get back together.
 
Country gal said:
Last summer I couldn't listen to love songs or oldie but goodies cause it reminded me of him. Just the other day I was listening to Keith Sweat radio and a song came on that reminded me of him and running my fingers through his hair. I didn't lose it so that is growth for me. I still have to deal with him because we share a child. I had to explained to her that we loved esch other but we only loved each other wrong not right. She was hoping we would get back together.
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:( Poor baby, I know that must have been hard for her to hear. But I'm definitely not a proponent of "staying together for kids" when the situation isn't healthy. I think it can do more harm than good.

As for me, I'm hanging in there. We haven't spoke since Valentines Day, so that's 3 months on the dot- the longest we've ever gone without talking. It's still hard but the space has given me perspective. I think I felt like I was losing this great guy and I'm realizing that he isn't as great as I made him out to be. He may not have ever been unkind to me per se, but he was mistreating me in a myriad of other ways.
 
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Rae81 said:
I have also thought about going back to therapy because I feel like I shouldn't still be angry and hurt after all this time. But by seeing them everyday, It makes it hard to do. To have to constantly see him and the person he chose over me, makes it very hard to move on.
Click to expand...

I've unfortunately been in a situation like this before. :ohwell: It was definitely hard time getting over him since I had to see him every week and also see his new girl as well. :ohwell:

But don't worry, it WILL get easier with every passing day, every passing week, every passing month, etc. I am definite living proof of that. :yep:

For some people it takes them a year or so to completely get over someone, so don't feel horrible if you're not over them immediately. It took time to develop your feelings for him, and it will take time for them to go away.

I whole-heartedly believe in seeking therapy if you feel the need. :yep: Even just a FEW sessions can do wonders (it did for me :yep:).

In the meantime, is there any way you can sort of avoid having to see him and his new main squeeze? Or do you two work together or something or are in a place where it's unavoidable that you will see him?


RUBY said:
What's really sad is that heartbreak changes you. The person that I was before is gone forever.
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Tell me about it.... :ohwell:

The care-free girl I once was before my big heart break years ago is probably long gone..... :nono: But I'm steadily trying to get her back. :giggle:

I recently unfortunately just went through something....not a heartbreak or a breakup per se, but more so a lost hope of a potential romance. :ohwell: :( So, not quite as painful as a breakup in the least, but still kind of disheartening. I'm still getting over him, and it may take a little more time :cry3: , but I've made huge strides already! I find that focusing on myself right now is helping tremendously. :up: :yep:



MzLady78 said:
As for me, I'm hanging in there. We haven't spoke since Valentines Day, so that's 3 months on the dot- the longest we've ever gone without talking. It's still hard but the space has given me perspective. I think I felt like I was losing this great guy and I'm realizing that he isn't as great as I made him out to be. He may not have ever been unkind to me per se, but he was mistreating me in a myriad of other ways.
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I'm sorry girl.... :hug2: I know how it can feel. I think you taking a more objective look at this guy is helping you to think more rationally and realize that this guy (although maybe great on paper) wasn't all that "great" if he dumped you or wasn't nice to you.... :nono: Sometimes we can get so caught up in our heartbreak or pain of being dumped that we forget to look at the men (or person) objectively, and realize that they must not have been a good fit for us if they cut things off or if it didn't work out. :ohwell:

I watched this video from Matthew Hussey (relationship coach) the other day and found it to be very encouraging. :yep: Maybe it will help some ladies here in a small way...

 
Loneliness and alcohol is such a bad combo. :nono: Had to talk myself off the ledge just now (read: I thought about texing him).

Almost 4 months of no contact. *sigh* I wish I could forget I ever even met him.
 
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LovingLady said:
@MzLady78 What are you doing to stay busy?
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Not as much as could be, TBH. I'm working on it.

I've been dealing for the most part, but every now and then, I just REALLY miss him and resent his disappearance from my life, no matter how much better I am for it. Those times are becoming less and less though. I think tonight was just more frustration because the one person I really hang with on the weekends wasn't around, so I found myself home at 8:00 because I didn't have anyone else to call to do something with. I need to make some friends. :(
 
@MzLady78 I understand how you feel.

There are two things I would recommend which are helping me:

1. Find a lesson from the experience.
What lesson can you draw about people and/or about yourself. Did you stop yourself from engaging in activities just to spend time with him. Did he throw up red flags and you called them white. (Not saying any of this happened just giving you examples) There are going to be sacrifices in every relationship but did you sacrifice more than you should. I know I did. Appreciate the lesson learned because it will make your stronger.



2. Stay busy.
Everything that I am doing right now is for the enhancement of myself (mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually). Not because to attract a new man but to come back swinging. Success is the best Revenge. By staying busy you are not allowing him to take up space in your head. This will also help you to move on faster while learning things about yourself you never knew.
 
I thought I was over and done with him years ago. He made it easy as he returned to Germany after he requested & received an early out discharge. He flew to the states, discharged, had me served divorce papers, and jetted back.

My life after this was really hard, but I finally clawed my way out of black despair and hopelessness. Fast forward to today and he posted a friend request on my son's ft page. This s perm donor hasn't said *hit for years and now he appears out of nowhere. Oh yeah and he's a hard right Christian coon train rider, guess now that he's done sinnin' he's ready to instruct black americans on how to behave.

This is the ahole who last saw my son when he was 3 years old riding his bike behind his car crying for his daddy to come back........f'king bastid. Not a peep, not a penny, not a card, phone call, present, communication or interest at all until now.

I told my son hopefully he's dying and needs something that you can laughingly deny him or he's scared & trying to "get right with god" since he advertises as a Christian counselor. Son says he's going to play the game, see what he can get.

Before you say I should let my son decide for himself what to do, trust me he hates his very being.

This guy was a cheat, lying, womanizing ahole, but worse than all of that he is the stereotype of the deadbeat black dad. who now has the nerve to hop on the coon train and talk about President Obama and a community he hasn't been part of for years.

This hurts my soul that I was such a poor judge of character that th is what I once loved more than life, what was wrong with me.

I post all of this to say I really need help in not hating him more, he's awakened all the hate I carried for years.

Eta he's a long distance hater, still in Germany so he says
 
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LovingLady said:
@MzLady78 I understand how you feel.

There are two things I would recommend which are helping me:

1. Find a lesson from the experience.
What lesson can you draw about people and/or about yourself. Did you stop yourself from engaging in activities just to spend time with him. Did he throw up red flags and you called them white. (Not saying any of this happened just giving you examples) There are going to be sacrifices in every relationship but did you sacrifice more than you should. I know I did. Appreciate the lesson learned because it will make your stronger.



2. Stay busy.
Everything that I am doing right now is for the enhancement of myself (mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually). Not because to attract a new man but to come back swinging. Success is the best Revenge. By staying busy you are not allowing him to take up space in your head. This will also help you to move on faster while learning things about yourself you never knew.
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Thank you for this.

It's been a while since we ended things, so I've done a lot of self-analysis and I've figured out what his purpose in my life was. Ultimately, it comes down to needing to make better choices about who I get involved with from the jump and needing to walk away as soon as it becomes clear I'm not going to get what I want and deserve from that person. I have failed miserably at this time and time again, and now at 37, I'm definitely paying the price for wasting years of my life with guys who weren't serious about me. It's hard to not beat myself up for that, but I know it doesn't do any good.

I will say, though, that I'm on the right track as far as improving my life. Paying off debt and saving money so I can finally move. I signed up for a 1st time home buyers class so that if I decide to try to buy as opposed to rent, I'll be ready. I'm applying to a Graduate Certificate program so I can hopefully move up in my field. So in the midst of the dealing with the heartache, there's definitely some forward movement. :yep:
 
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blackviolet said:
This hurts my soul that I was such a poor judge of character that th is what I once loved more than life, what was wrong with me.
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:bighug:

I know this feeling well. It can be so hard to see people for who they really when you're in it. I always insisted that this guy was so good to me, treated me so well, etc. It hasn't been until now that I'm realizing that's bulls**t. Did we get along great? Yes. Was he supportive and encouraging? Definitely. But I know now that he played a lot of games, and consistently hurt me, without being blatantly cruel. He didn't want me, but he didn't want to let me go either. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I think he wanted to keep a foot in the door. Well, maybe not a whole foot, more like a couple of toes. I knew his interested was dwindling, and every time I made that statement, he insisted it wasn't true. Every time I said "if you don't want me in your life anymore, just say so and I'll go", it was "no, babe, it's not like that". Yeah, it really was. Even when I asked him if he needed some space to deal with the other things that were going on his life, I got an "I guess". Like he was reluctant, when I know that's probably exactly what he wanted. I think we were both on some "neither one of us wants to be the first to say goodbye" s*** for a long time. He took the coward's way out- push the person away until they finally get tired and leave.

Anyway, I'm rambling. All I can say is allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling right now, just don't make it your home. Hating him and harboring resentment ultimately only hurts you.
 
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I am pretty much hung up on my ex. He has been gone since March. One of the things I need to stop doing is saying, "no one will ever compare."
The thing is no one has yet and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. So I try focusing on myself.

I get lathargic. I just going through the motions. Just no will. When I go out, I have all these attractive elements bringing people and goodness, but I will self sabotage. Then he contacts me and I have all this life and promise. Then I don't hear from him and the cycle continues. It's this weird push pull energy and it's draining. We end very emotionally. He had to go home. Not really, but he needs to find himself and he wasn't happy here. Over there, he is good. Alot more wealthy, that's for sure. Not dating. I said WE should try to date others. We are in a weird predicament of our own making. And maybe it is exciting because it's un
unconventional. It's hard saying, "hey, I love you but you must find someone else," then in the same breath say, "there is no one else." But it is for the best.

So I had a cord cutting and activation , which is supposed to emotionally detach me from him and she told me everything I wanted to hear. Without me saying a word about who I am cutting she's like, "oh, no. This bond cannot be broken. You have a golden tie. Those are not meant to be severed. Focus on your self right now. He is not going anywhere." I paid $200 to hear that. I did not want to hear, "you are no longer emotionally tied to him. Your bond is broken." I wanted someone to force that into existence, because it's, "the right thing to do."

She said your transformation will be violent. In two days he will contact you. And he did and I was like hey, we need to focus on self right now. I gave him a report during his absence. How when i went to dream class they said in order to get the thing i want i need to let go of something. I chose him on both accounts. To have him, I must let him go. When I had my astrological reading we are supposed to reunite in late life, but in the present I am supposed to start a year long relationship in mid June. She has to work me through some volatile things coming up. Now the cord cutting. These separations are meant for self reflections and personal growth.

I had my grandma praying lol. She had a dream, and that is why she is comfortable with our relationship for now. But you know hers was a more conventional, "Lord, bring this boy home so they can get married and birth some more great grand children," type prayers. No and maybe, lol...

As you may have guess. I am an extreme esoteric lol.

But on a human, relatable level, I am sad and mad I cannot be with him. I have made myself into this tragic character. I want empowerment but I am just stuck between change and not wanting to.

Don't I sound confused, because I am. I loved him forever y'all :cry:
 
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