raising the child of your man's AFFAIR? WOULD YOU?

[SW2011]

My aunt did this. Her husband cheated while out of town on several "business trips". The woman that he cheated with was on drugs and is a lesbian (I guess she considered herself bisexual when she was sleeping with him, or else she did it for the money). Anyway, she got pregnant, had a child, and didn't want him to ruin her life, so she gave him to my uncle. My aunt raised the little boy since birth like he was her own child.

The worse part of this is my aunt and uncle had two girls already (both teens) at the time, and this devastated them. The oldest girl took it really hard and started to rebel. She no longer wanted to listen to her father, and looked down on her mother for being a weak woman. So, she started dating an older man, and purposely got pregnant. It just went downhill from there. The younger daughter also went out and got pregnant. Now, they are both unmarried young women, with 5 children between them and no fathers around.

I couldn't say what I would do in the situation. I think my aunt did the right thing by raising the child, but that's really tough.

 

[trinidarkie1]

For a long time I looked at my mom as a punk for staying with my dad. In some ways I still think she should have fought for her 'rights'. She stayed at home and took care of us, gave up a career and provided a great home, but now that she is older, for all the sacrifice, she has nothing to get for being faithful to my dad.

That's why it's me and mommy! Anything she wants and needs, I give it to her!

 

[fivetimestwo]

HELL NO!!!!!!



People are always saying the child is innoncent. The child has nothing to do with it. **** the child and their mother.

Truth be told I don't like any child that's not related to me. And I don't like some of them that are related to me. So there is no way in hell I would raise someone else's child in my home. If I had children, my kids would never see thier father's bastard child.

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope

And as for the hubby, oh man ---- I would ruin him!

this is me all day, everyday. I'm not gonna even lie, I'd have to leave because I like my freedom and wouldn't wanna stay and risk going to jail. Not to mention, I'd be willing to bet the farm that I'd treat his bastard child differently than my own...and that could only lead to some more bickering. Too much drama for me. Trust me, he'd be payin' hella child support (and alimony too)

 

[pisceschica]

If my kids decided that they wanted to meet their half-brother/sister once they were 18, I'd have no problem with that at all.

But I'm not going to facilitate any meetings between my child and any outside children just so they'll "know their siblings." Not at all.. not happening and they don't need to have any relationships with that sibling/siblings while they are minors.

Also, their father can tell them that they have a sibling outside of the ones they know and he can explain WHY that sibling exists. HE can be the one responsible for forming "relationships" since he was the one who created this mess to begin with.

I'm not having a thing to do with it.

Very well said

I dont' know that I would keep my child or children away from their half sibling but I KNOW that I would not be the one encouraging their relationship especially if I was the custodial parent.

 

[envybeauty]

I wouldn't take him back. Period.

But the kid, only if the kid NEEDED a home. and by need.....I mean severe circumstances like the mom died and had no relatives, the mom is abusing the kid, the mom's husband is sexually abusing the kid and no one is doing anything, etc. those circumstances PLUS the fact that the worthless ex-husband would have to be sick, dead, or jailed.


I wouldn't have a kid on the streets or being continuously abused simply because i hate his parents.

 

[pisceschica]

This is my biggest issue in the situation. Too many times parents involve children in grown folks business that they shouldn't be exposed to and then wonder why all of a sudden they are dealing with children who think they are grown. Let the kids be kids and the adults figure out the adult situations.




I think the outside child is done a disservice by having to carry the burden of being the result of jankyness as a child. Again let children be children for as long as they can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One element that is being taken for granted is that all the kids are magically going to get along. I've got a half sister who is 16 years older than me who was a result of an affair on my fathers first wife. When pops got divorced he shacked with ole girls mom for a while, moved on and eventually married my moms. Half sis has resented moms, me and my brothers as long as I've known her.

Very very crucial point. To go further what if your children especially if they are young resent the child and their father? I mean if you had a great loving marriage family going before this happened then their whole lives are completely changed because of the child (as some said they would consider staying if a child was not born).

Your children (especially young chilren) are going to see this innocent child as the reason why you and your spouse split, the reason why you only get to see your dad on weekends, the reason why everything you have known is now shattered. There are good arguments both ways concering if your children should see the love child but I personally wouldn't introduce my children, especially young children who may feel very scared, into that very complicated situation that they may never be able to comprehend.

 

[it_comes_naturally]

Neva!

 

[JamericanGurl]

Okay how about this scenario. My mom raised my two brothers and sister from my father's previously relationship. She gave them loads of love and support, and I don't think she resented them? Of course their mom did do a drive by and leave them on the porch next to some empty milk bottles ages 9 mos, 2, and 3. My parents had like a 90 day courtship,where he kinda neglected to mention them

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Okay how about this scenario. My mom raised my two brothers and sister from my father's previously relationship. She gave them loads of love and support, and I don't think she resented them? Of course their mom did do a drive by and leave them on the porch next to some empty milk bottles ages 9 mos, 2, and 3. My parents had like a 90 day courtship,where he kinda neglected to mention them

I think it's sheisty for a dude to not mention a lil thing like he got kids. I think taking in kids that were around prior to your relationship is a very different situation from taking in products of an affair.

 

[firecracker]

Okay how about this scenario. My mom raised my two brothers and sister from my father's previously relationship. She gave them loads of love and support, and I don't think she resented them? Of course their mom did do a drive by and leave them on the porch next to some empty milk bottles ages 9 mos, 2, and 3. My parents had like a 90 day courtship,where he kinda neglected to mention them

They are not a product of an affair. Your father had amnesia that day or for a minute b4 he married mom's chick!

 

[kurlybella]

this is why i believe in keeping the cheese stacked!!!

truth be told, imo, most of the women in these stories and plenty other stories i've heard stayed because dad was the main income. he is the rock the center of the universe for many women. deep down, this is the reason why.

you gave up your life to support your man, raise kids and then he sticks his johnson down in every coochie walking by and then yours too.

ladies, take care of yourselves. even in love, don't NOT know where the money is. track every penny. keep your stack, your own investments, have SOMETHING.

if you are living off of an allowance from your man that he gives you when he gets paid, you better be squirreling that stuff away.

you don't want to be with a man who does low down dirty crap like having kids on the side and have to give him your coochie too like a good wife should.

who wants left over, used up johnson??

 

[DanaDane]

Okay seriously.

I wish a child would call themselves being mad at me because their daddy created a messy situation and I didnt go a long with it. Be mad and go with your cheating ole daddy then.

For real. And if they feel that raw about it when they find out--hell, that's what therapy is for. It'll be okay. No guilt from me at all.

 

[filthyfresh]

I will take the same course of action I took with my ex-SO. He came to me saying his ex was pregnant with twins and they were his (supposedly she got pregnant before we started dating).

I told him you have two options:
1) I leave and you live happily ever after with her & those kids.
2) She goes to the abortion clinic (if she still can) and we keep it stepping and MAYBE I'll forgive you.

He chose option 2. Now you may say I'm wrong, but ultimately SHE chose to get the abortion. I didn't plant the idea in his or her head. He left it up to her. Basically when she saw that he wasn't leaving me for her & the kids, she got the abortion.

I refuse to play step-mom. I'm sorry. I've lived most of my life dealing with women who resented me & my brother because they were pissed that my father had us first. I know that's a different situation but I know how women can be. And I simply refuse to have any of my children have any half siblings. I want them all to have the same two parents & no outsiders. I love my siblings, but it's so hard for us to come together because we all have different mothers and practically lead separate lives. I don't want that for my children and I really don't need that stress.

 

[aqualung]

If the man had a lot of money or power, then I could raise a love child for a while. I'd send it to boarding school @ the earliest opportunity. Second wives do this with the children of the 1st wife. Why not bastard love kids?

Now, they are both unmarried young women, with 5 children between them and no fathers around.

I chuckled at the conclusion of your story.
You're making it up, right?
Those girls can't use their mom's decision as a point of reference anymore. After the 3rd kid or so, they should have realized their own mistake.

Trini, your story is disturbing. The "messy" behavior of husbands has affected the lives of women in 2 generations. I hope your loyalty yields more long term benefit than your mom's loyalty did.

A man should know how to protect his property and his assets (both generally AND in the context of marriage).
If he has nothing worth protecting, then what's the point of messing with him?
If he has bastard kids, then he probably doesn't value the life we're building together.
Not the type of guy I could trust to protect my interests...

 

[JamericanGurl]

They are not a product of an affair. Your father had amnesia that day or for a minute b4 he married mom's chick!

The funniest part to this story was dude was like "Oh I knew I forgot something". Most people think that they were my mom's biological kids.

See I kinda look at this the same way....Kid before child during...It's the same to me. Child still one half of the **** ya married.

 

[envybeauty]

now that y'all broke up, i wonder how he feels about it.

I will take the same course of action I took with my ex-SO. He came to me saying his ex was pregnant with twins and they were his (supposedly she got pregnant before we started dating).

I told him you have two options:
1) I leave and you live happily ever after with her & those kids.
2) She goes to the abortion clinic (if she still can) and we keep it stepping and MAYBE I'll forgive you.

He chose option 2. Now you may say I'm wrong, but ultimately SHE chose to get the abortion. I didn't plant the idea in his or her head. He left it up to her. Basically when she saw that he wasn't leaving me for her & the kids, she got the abortion.

I refuse to play step-mom. I'm sorry. I've lived most of my life dealing with women who resented me & my brother because they were pissed that my father had us first. I know that's a different situation but I know how women can be. And I simply refuse to have any of my children have any half siblings. I want them all to have the same two parents & no outsiders. I love my siblings, but it's so hard for us to come together because we all have different mothers and practically lead separate lives. I don't want that for my children and I really don't need that stress.

 

[kombov_dymond]

Depends on the man. He would forever be in my debt though....fa sho.

 

[WhipEffectz1]

Wow! My friend was in a situation like some of these stories but she wasn't married. The guy she was seeing for like 2 years got another chick pregnant on the side, supposedly when there were at odds. She didn't find out about the other chick's child until she was pregnant. So she thought her firstborn was also his first born but it wasn't. When she found out, she got rid of him promptly. Its clear that the guy still loves her but she's not having it. They were not married. She doesn't want her daughter to meet the other child and I completely agree!

Men and their private parts!!!

 

[NewYorkgyrl]

Yes its fair for the child to find out at 18 that his mother was slutty enough to sleep with a married man, have no shame in conceiving a married man's child, then the damn nerve to assume that said child has a right to anything outside of a damn "get outta the cheats face"support check. (eddie murphy comes to mind)

ITA!!!! I think 18 is a good age to find out this information,,,that your mother (and father) tore a family apart. Especially if she KNEW the man was married....I think that is grown folks business to share and 18 is the start of adulthood. The child can form their own opinions of the situation from there.

 

[NewYorkgyrl]

When you have a son who watches mama take in daddy's outside kids TRUST that you've taught him by example a lesson about what is acceptable within a marriage.

I am SOOO glad you posted that. I was thinking this in my head too. Nothing but the truth right there!!!

 

[Browndilocks]

Interesting. I think that not only would I leave him but I'd leave the kids too.

I had a friend who had been dating this guy for a few years. They had a daughter together. Afterward, they got engaged and 1 month before the wedding, he told her that he had someone else pregnant. He had a son with the other woman. She (the first girl)married him anyway and now refuses to allow her daughter to meet the half brother. She also makes it really hard for her husband to see his son. I personally think that she's wrong in this case because she knew BEFORE she married him that this child was coming but chose to get married anyway. What do you think?

 

[pisceschica]

Interesting. I think that not only would I leave him but I'd leave the kids too.

I had a friend who had been dating this guy for a few years. They had a daughter together. Afterward, they got engaged and 1 month before the wedding, he told her that he had someone else pregnant. He had a son with the other woman. She (the first girl)married him anyway and now refuses to allow her daughter to meet the half brother. She also makes it really hard for her husband to see his son. I personally think that she's wrong in this case because she knew BEFORE she married him that this child was coming but chose to get married anyway. What do you think?

What he did was wrong but she should keep HIM from seeing his child and he should not allow her to do that. She had a chance to back out and have nothing to do with him or his kid. At the end of the day he is the one that is going to regret it b/c it will affect his child.

 

[firecracker]

In the last case the wife is wrong but he is a wuss for allowing her to keep him away from his child. Men I take that back humans never cease to amaze me! Me included

 

[chellero]

I wouldn't take him back. Period.

But the kid, only if the kid NEEDED a home. and by need.....I mean severe circumstances like the mom died and had no relatives, the mom is abusing the kid, the mom's husband is sexually abusing the kid and no one is doing anything, etc. those circumstances PLUS the fact that the worthless ex-husband would have to be sick, dead, or jailed.


I wouldn't have a kid on the streets or being continuously abused simply because i hate his parents.

That's what the foster care system is for.

 

[Valerie]

God hates divorce, but the man had broken his covenant with you. So you forgive him, bless him and let him go and get better, the Lord will provide. I was watching a Christian programme, where some husbands were always cheating on their wives, and eventually the wives divorced them, they prayed and forgive their husbands, got new husbands, all the things they were dreamed, the wives were now married, extremely happy and went on to have more children have an abundant lifestyles and their old husbands were in a very miserable place, they are angry and bitter.

 

[adf23]

Ummm, nope, cause the affair would be enough for me to initiate a divorce from DH. And what? A Child? So, he slept with some other gal and didn't use protection? I don't think so. I would be so disgusted. I wouldn't have to worry bout raising the child, cause the marriage would be OVER.

 

[UmSumayyah]

No, I would not baring some extreme scenario that I can't fathom at this point in my life. He and the child would hit the road. IME, most men who cheat once, *usually* cheat again, unless the adultery was a result of a very specific problem. The more accommodating the woman is of his adultery the more likely it is to occur again.
I would not take my anger out on the child in behavior or words, I simply would not stay with a man who fathered a child outside of our marriage nor would I raise (live with me and what not) the product of that affair though I consider the child blameless.

Okay I thought long and hard about this scenario. First we have 2 issues. We have the trifling husband and then the subsequent child from the trifling situation. I am about 99.999% sure I wouldn't take my husband back. It is one thing to cheat, it is different when another innocent person is now added to the equation. Especially considering another child means more money coming out of our pockets. As for the child, even though I don't like kids, I would love him/her and they would be apart of my kids' lives. They are related and the child will be invited and included when it comes to the girls because I wouldn't punish him/her for their parents' dumb mistakes.

If my that small .001% chance I take him back, I wouldn't shun the child either. He/she would be cared for and provided for but it will be all him. There would be some serious rules and restrictions in place but I just couldn't see myself keeping an innocent child from his/her father and their siblings. Q

Nah you wouldn't take him back. You'd be too mad about him adding another 18 years to your sentence.

 

[cocoaluv]

I wouldn't be with a man who fathered a child out of wedlock before I married him, much less raise someone's lovechild.

Bingo

 

[HoneyDew]

I don't think I could do it.

I would if I needed that man. I have seen women who depended on a man financially and would not be able to provide for themselves otherwise, even if they got alimony or child support. In that case, I could see someone doing it, not happily, but doing it anyway.

But, as long as I am self-sufficient and don't need anyone in my life, I would not deal with that. I just don't have time for it.

I really don't think I can do something like that.

 

[erokawa]

Not on your life. "Your affair isn't my responsibility," is what I'd tell him before walking about the door.