raising the child of your man's AFFAIR? WOULD YOU?

[firecracker]

Trini my heart goes out to you. This is a very delicate and stressful situation. Deceit can kill a relationship not to mention a constant reminder of the deceit.

 

[DragonPearl]

As open minded as I am, I couldn't do it.

 

[kurlybella]

I have never looked at my husband the same and will never trust him. Although the indiscretion was while we were not together, he still did not tell me anything and waited for me to find out.

I love the Lord and I would like to always please HIm in all that I do, but this one is a doozy. My aunt and kinda one of my Prayer Warriors was saying that maybe through my interaction with the child that he'd come to know the Love of the Lord. It's a hard pill to swallow, but if that's what God wants me to do, I have to put my natural feelings aside and just kinda deal.

i have to say, you are a lot stronger than me. that 10000% pure deception right there and then taking vows on top of that... i thought you promise to be honest in your vows???

i would have annulled that marriage asap.

i don't think the lord wants you to be a unhappy either. (and i'm not being patronizing when i say that).

 

[Crackers Phinn]

Shoot, I would be out the door (with my kids) collecting child support once I find out the joker is cheating. But still the kids should know what is going on, that their father is a mess and created a child on the side.

This is my biggest issue in the situation. Too many times parents involve children in grown folks business that they shouldn't be exposed to and then wonder why all of a sudden they are dealing with children who think they are grown. Let the kids be kids and the adults figure out the adult situations.

Yes its fair for the child to find out at 18 that his mother was slutty enough to sleep with a married man, have no shame in conceiving a married man's child,[/B] then the damn nerve to assume that said child has a right to anything outside of a damn "get outta the cheats face"support check. (eddie murphy comes to mind)

I think the outside child is done a disservice by having to carry the burden of being the result of jankyness as a child. Again let children be children for as long as they can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One element that is being taken for granted is that all the kids are magically going to get along. I've got a half sister who is 16 years older than me who was a result of an affair on my fathers first wife. When pops got divorced he shacked with ole girls mom for a while, moved on and eventually married my moms. Half sis has resented moms, me and my brothers as long as I've known her.

 

[trinidarkie1]

i have to say, you are a lot stronger than me. that 10000% pure deception right there and then taking vows on top of that... i thought you promise to be honest in your vows???

i would have annulled that marriage asap.

i don't think the lord wants you to be a unhappy either. (and i'm not being patronizing when i say that).

I agree with you there, trust that! I don't believe that you are being patronizing.
Of course with every story there are other things involved, and I am in no position to make a rash decision. Things will work out, whether I stay with him, or whether I choose to leave. I guess I got momma's strong genes in me.

Hopefully not the stupid ones

 

[JamericanGurl]

oo wowerplexed
so it's fair to the child to find out about a sister or brother 18-20 years later
just remember that actions and REACTIONS can Tarnish the memories of your precious seeds
it's nothing like finding out about the childish choices made by the "adults" in your life

My brother was the original man whore. High earner, cute, to many the totally package. Didn't no fidelity until it slapped him in the face hard. He had two children born on the same day by friends. One was his wife and the other her friend. Marriage 3 times and fathering 11 kids he's run the gambit on whoring. First kid he fathered at 15 by a 27 year old woman. His Kids always provided for monetarily.

The women use to bicker all the time and my late father insisted that each child be a part of our family. Because it wasn't their fault that their parents made f-up decisions. The women eventually realized that the problem was him. All of the ex's are friends close friends and when my one the outside ex's underwent Chemo , my SIL took her in with kids and cared for her.

My nieces and nephews are hella tight! While I can honestly say I wouldn't deal with a man like my brother. It ain't the kids fault...IMO!

 

[MissScarlett]

This is my biggest issue in the situation. Too many times parents involve children in grown folks business that they shouldn't be exposed to and then wonder why all of a sudden they are dealing with children who think they are grown. Let the kids be kids and the adults figure out the adult situations.




I think the outside child is done a disservice by having to carry the burden of being the result of jankyness as a child. Again let children be children for as long as they can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One element that is being taken for granted is that all the kids are magically going to get along. I've got a half sister who is 16 years older than me who was a result of an affair on my fathers first wife. When pops got divorced he shacked with ole girls mom for a while, moved on and eventually married my moms. Half sis has resented moms, me and my brothers as long as I've known her.

ITA with this.

 

[MissScarlett]

It's one thing to stick it out with a man after an indiscretion, it's another to have to do so and take care of the product of said indiscretion.

My mother was a champion. After my brother, their first, my father had two children with two different women, and then me. My mother stuck it out.
My brother and I have always known our sibilings and we are soo close now, it's really sweet, but I know how hard it was for my mom. She did not actively raise them, but there were times when she'd give my dad the money to give to them if he didn't have it and when my bro (his son) would come by, she'd make sure and give him clothes and food and stuff.

At the end of it, my dad still left her high and dry after all of her sacrifice.

Here in lies my first hang up. I'm not sticking it out with you for you to leave me. That's a serious trust issue.

A few months after my wedding, I found out that my husband had a baby with a woman, as in the child was a toddler. Fast forward to now, the mom was found unfit and the courts are making him do the do to take care of his son.

As a Christian, regardless of how I feel, I think I have a responsibility to impart love and show the child love, but that doesn't mean that I am happy about it AT ALL.
However, I'm a doer, so I remodelled the bedroom and bought new furniture and make sure to remind him to go to his visits.
To be quite honest, I may not stay with him, however, that child will never know anything but love from me. It's hard to explain how I compartmentalize my feelings and actions, but that's how I cope.

I have never looked at my husband the same and will never trust him. Although the indiscretion was while we were not together, he still did not tell me anything and waited for me to find out.

I love the Lord and I would like to always please HIm in all that I do, but this one is a doozy. My aunt and kinda one of my Prayer Warriors was saying that maybe through my interaction with the child that he'd come to know the Love of the Lord. It's a hard pill to swallow, but if that's what God wants me to do, I have to put my natural feelings aside and just kinda deal.

(((HUGS)) to you, I'm sure it must be a very very difficult situation, I can only imagine. To the bolded, I think it takes a bigger person and probably someone that is a mother as well or someone as yourself who is very grounded in their faith...its natural to want to resent the child but love it because its not the child's fault. Its reallly not, but it would be hard to have to address it everyday. Good luck to you

 

[MissScarlett]

My brother was the original man whore. High earner, cute, to many the totally package. Didn't no fidelity until it slapped him in the face hard. He had two children born on the same day by friends. One was his wife and the other her friend. Marriage 3 times and fathering 11 kids he's run the gambit on whoring. First kid he fathered at 15 by a 27 year old woman. His Kids always provided for monetarily.

The women use to bicker all the time and my late father insisted that each child be a part of our family. Because it wasn't their fault that their parents made f-up decisions. The women eventually realized that the problem was him. All of the ex's are friends close friends and when my one the outside ex's underwent Chemo , my SIL took her in with kids and cared for her.

My nieces and nephews are hella tight! While I can honestly say I wouldn't deal with a man like my brother. It ain't the kids fault...IMO!

Uncle Willie, is that you?<-----sounds just like my whoremonger a** uncle...JUST Like him, seriously is his name willie?

 

[MzLady78]

Okay. I really don't understand this.

How can we expect men to do right by us when they can get a pass for doing, IMO, one of the worst things you can do to someone in relationship/marriage?

Not passing judgement on anyone because I know why some folks feel the way they do but I just can't wrap my mind around this.

 

[janiebaby]

Only if I had children with him and the mother was ok with it. I would also get rid of him in that case. I think the only reason a person would want to keep him would be so that the other woman didn't win. Please if this man is a cheater who would put my life at risk and disrespect me then he ain't no prize. She can have em.

 

[PrincessScorpion]

I think it would be extremely difficult. I would say no. If I stayed with my husband after an affair, the only way our relationship would heal is for him to cut off all contact with the woman he cheated with. If he is sharing custody with her, then the two of them will always have to have contact.
Now, if the woman was dead, or a deadbeat who got legally stripped of her custody, or abdicated her legal custody, then maybe I would consider it.

I must add, that I would not respect a man who would not raise his child, affair or not.

So with saying this are you saying you would like for him to walk away from this child because you chose to stay?

 

[JamericanGurl]

Uncle Willie, is that you?<-----sounds just like my whoremonger a** uncle...JUST Like him, seriously is his name willie?

NO

 

[MissScarlett]

Okay. I really don't understand this.

How can we expect men to do right by us when they can get a pass for doing, IMO, one of the worst things you can do to someone in relationship/marriage?

Not passing judgement on anyone because I know why some folks feel the way they do but I just can't wrap my mind around this.

Right.

And I'm not at all saying I would stay with my husband if he did something like that. I am about 95% sure I would NOT if that ever happened to me. I think forgiving an affair is one thing, but a child? That's a doozy like someone else said. I will say that is why IF, IF, IF, I kept his cheating a** it would be on MY TERMS and my terms only, not this other woman, not this child, it would be about me and my kids.

 

[firecracker]

So with saying this are you saying you would like for him to walk away from this child because you chose to stay?

Many cheating men have done just that to stay in his marriage. Which is why I would never have a child by someone elses husband!

 

[SleekandBouncy]

No, I would not baring some extreme scenario that I can't fathom at this point in my life. He and the child would hit the road. IME, most men who cheat once, *usually* cheat again, unless the adultery was a result of a very specific problem. The more accommodating the woman is of his adultery the more likely it is to occur again.
I would not take my anger out on the child in behavior or words, I simply would not stay with a man who fathered a child outside of our marriage nor would I raise (live with me and what not) the product of that affair though I consider the child blameless.

 

[LunadeMiel]

So with saying this are you saying you would like for him to walk away from this child because you chose to stay?

If by some unholy way I decided to stay, the above is a must. His only support for that would be financially. I really just wouldn't give a damn about that child and it's mother. I'm not suffering for the benefit of someone else...and that's word son....

 

[MissScarlett]

If by some unholy way I decided to stay, the above is a must. His only support for that would be financially. I really just wouldn't give a damn about that child and it's mother. I'm not suffering for the benefit of someone else...and that's word son....

Ya know?!

 

[MzLady78]

Right.

And I'm not at all saying I would stay with my husband if he did something like that. I am about 95% sure I would NOT if that ever happened to me. I think forgiving an affair is one thing, but a child? That's a doozy like someone else said. I will say that is why IF, IF, IF, I kept his cheating a** it would be on MY TERMS and my terms only, not this other woman, not this child, it would be about me and my kids.

I hear you.

I'm just thinking if I was a dude lurking on this forum and read this, I'd be like "oh word? I can cheat, have other kids, be forgiven AND have my woman help raise 'em??? That's what's up"

 

[firecracker]

Married male cousin has a 8 year old lovechild with sister of his best malefriend. Ex wife didn't find out about daughter til a week after divorce. Well everytime the love child is around she is subject to the ex wife asking pointed questions "what did you do for your birthday"? "who picked you up? how did you get here?. The 12 yr old step sister being mean to her, hitting her and competing for fathers attention. The step brother won't even say more than two words to the sweet lil innocent love child. The girlfriend of 7 years of cheating cousin is also mean to the child because he treats the lovechild better than the wifes kids yada yada yada. Just a damn hot *** mess! Which is why you dont have a baby by a married man and expect a happy welcome into his real family! Sorry that cheating kneegrow can't control his dangalang so he can't control folks!

I'm sorry the love childs mother and my cheating cousin put her thru this **** by their stupid actions. The mother nor my cousin can force folks to swallow their cup of nastiness now or ever. All the years she was screwing him smiling in his wifes face.

I feel for the baby but hell I feel for my ex cousin in law Flip Wilson looking *** and her kids too. Parents are responsible for protecting their own children. I told my cousin after the camping trip he needs to keep that baby away from local family function and go be with the love childs momma damn it!

 

[trinidarkie1]

I hear you.

I'm just thinking if I was a dude lurking on this forum and read this, I'd be like "oh word? I can cheat, have other kids, be forgiven AND have my woman help raise 'em??? That's what's up"

Well then that would be one sorry man. This forum isn't called 'Lets Help Corrupt Fellas' We're discussing a potentially real life situation, and unfortunately this kinda crap really does happen and with ever other option there is always a choice.

There is a united front here, I believe we all agree that the action of cheating is wrong, however, the discussion veers off into different directions regarding what the woman's recourse would be.

Men are not children (well maybe but you know what I mean) and so I don't think we as posters have any responsibility towards them by being the flagship for this kinda situation and the decisions that all women will make.

That's like saying because rappers say the N word, that means all black ppl think that it's okay to use the word.

 

[LunadeMiel]

Married male cousin has a 8 year old lovechild with sister of his best malefriend. Ex wife didn't find out about daughter til a week after divorce. Well everytime the love child is around she is subject to the ex wife asking pointed questions "what did you do for your birthday"? "who picked you up? how did you get here?. The 12 yr old step sister being mean to her, hitting her and competing for fathers attention. The step brother won't even say more than two words to the sweet lil innocent love child. The girlfriend of 7 years of cheating cousin is also mean to the child because he treats the lovechild better than the wifes kids yada yada yada. Just a damn hot *** mess! Which is why you dont have a baby by a married man and expect a happy welcome into his real family! Sorry that cheating kneegrow can't control his dangalang so he can't control folks!

I'm sorry the love childs mother and my cheating cousin put her thru this **** by their stupid actions. The mother nor my cousin can force folks to swallow their cup of nastiness now or ever. All the years she was screwing him smiling in his wifes face.

I feel for the baby but hell I feel for my ex cousin in law Flip Wilson looking *** and her kids too. Parents are responsible for protecting their own children. I told my cousin after the camping trip he needs to keep that baby away from local family function and go be with the love childs momma damn it!

Some women really don't undertand this...

My uncle has twin boys by this woman (she conceive while he was married). They are adorable and cute (I met them). She complains to me about how my uncle doesn't come around and doesn't give any money. Well trick your butt should have tought of that before you screwed a married man. I know for sure that these children will never be welcomed into our family... My cousin their half-brother (my uncle had him by his first wife. He also had several outside children while with her) does not recognize them as his siblings... He also has another child by another. The baby is around the same age as the twin (2) that I want to meet. I'm not meeting them out of the kindness of my heart but I will have children some day so I need to know who I'm related to by blood.

 

[MrsQueeny]

Okay I thought long and hard about this scenario. First we have 2 issues. We have the trifling husband and then the subsequent child from the trifling situation. I am about 99.999% sure I wouldn't take my husband back. It is one thing to cheat, it is different when another innocent person is now added to the equation. Especially considering another child means more money coming out of our pockets. As for the child, even though I don't like kids, I would love him/her and they would be apart of my kids' lives. They are related and the child will be invited and included when it comes to the girls because I wouldn't punish him/her for their parents' dumb mistakes.

If my that small .001% chance I take him back, I wouldn't shun the child either. He/she would be cared for and provided for but it will be all him. There would be some serious rules and restrictions in place but I just couldn't see myself keeping an innocent child from his/her father and their siblings. Q

 

[Maynard]

I dont think that is something that I would do.

I know people who have, more power to them. It wouldn't be me.

 

[MzLady78]

Well then that would be one sorry man. This forum isn't called 'Lets Help Corrupt Fellas' We're discussing a potentially real life situation, and unfortunately this kinda crap really does happen and with ever other option there is always a choice.

There is a united front here, I believe we all agree that the action of cheating is wrong, however, the discussion veers off into different directions regarding what the woman's recourse would be.

Men are not children (well maybe but you know what I mean) and so I don't think we as posters have any responsibility towards them by being the flagship for this kinda situation and the decisions that all women will make.

That's like saying because rappers say the N word, that means all black ppl think that it's okay to use the word.

LOL @ the bolded.

I hear you, trust me. I was just being silly with that post.

Like I said, I know why some folks would do it, but for me.......

 

[Crackers Phinn]

I'm just thinking if I was a dude lurking on this forum and read this, I'd be like "oh word? I can cheat, have other kids, be forgiven AND have my woman help raise 'em??? That's what's up"

When you have a son who watches mama take in daddy's outside kids TRUST that you've taught him by example a lesson about what is acceptable within a marriage.

Odds are that your childrens marriage or lack thereof will be patterned after your own.

Married male cousin has a 8 year old lovechild with sister of his best malefriend. Ex wife didn't find out about daughter til a week after divorce. Well everytime the love child is around she is subject to the ex wife asking pointed questions "what did you do for your birthday"? "who picked you up? how did you get here?. The 12 yr old step sister being mean to her, hitting her and competing for fathers attention. The step brother won't even say more than two words to the sweet lil innocent love child. The girlfriend of 7 years of cheating cousin is also mean to the child because he treats the lovechild better than the wifes kids yada yada yada. Just a damn hot *** mess! Which is why you dont have a baby by a married man and expect a happy welcome into his real family! Sorry that cheating kneegrow can't control his dangalang so he can't control folks!

More times than not, everybody ain't just go up and get along like the Huxtables. Deceitful beginnings usually have deceitful endings. Ain't no way I'd willingly bring that negativity into my home.

 

[Mortons]

Trini, you are a good one. Cause he would have woke up HOT GLUED to the side of his thigh do you hear me?

 

[TayMac]

I couldn't stay with him after knowing he cheated nor raise the child BUT I wouldn't be mean to him/her and after sometime passed I'd likely let them come around if we had children of our own. Ignoring them and pretending the child don't exist does not make it so. I won't stay with the husband b/c I refuse to be unhappy. I must have peace in my home and that includes trust.

 

[MzLady78]

When you have a son who watches mama take in daddy's outside kids TRUST that you've taught him by example a lesson about what is acceptable within a marriage.

Odds are that your childrens marriage or lack thereof will be patterned after your own.

Yep, pretty much.

 

[trinidarkie1]

Trini, you are a good one. Cause he would have woke up HOT GLUED to the side of his thigh do you hear me?

GIrl are you trying to make me lose my job?! I was in here sqwuaking and the office is so quiet. These girls jumped up and were like, are you okay?