Would you help your future husband pay his child support?

[LunadeMiel]

i know this wasn't directed at me, but i know that i'm not okay with MY kids having to live the life of a pauper because my partner has other kids to pay for. ♥

Exactly! The financial well being of my children is what will matter to me. Someone else's child is not my concern...Yes even if I married a man with children (which would not happen since I didn't date me with kids).

 

[Lita]

(Birthday,Xmas gifts yes)...I get along with my ex children..We go shopping together & everything..I couldn't get a long with the dad..lol...They still call me Mom & I love the children very much!

Being Married is Joint EVERYTHING!

Note* If you share a bank account etc...Your money is as good as gone too!

 

[Lita]

Now that I have seen your other threads about this guy, you have clearly LOST YOUR DARN MIND!!!
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/relationships/510340-my-man-finds-out-he-has.html

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/relationships/512587-would-you-date-man-no-college-education.html

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/relationships/511677-would-you-date-man-children.html

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/pregnancy-motherhood/514489-28-old-age-have-your-first-child.html

This guy is a POS and you have known it since 2 months in. He has been pretty clear that he does not even like Black women but you post a thread calling this POS guy your future HUSBAND??!?!?!? You have seemingly planned out your entire married life with this guy in it, with kids and it seems now you do not want to walk away despite all the flaws you posted about him.

I cannot even fathom why you are considering helping him to pay his child support for the surprise 7 year old child that he has with a White woman. And how does that even happen these days? A surprise 7 year old? So he just hit & ran ... or maybe the White woman had sense enough to leave his POS self alone and try to raise her baby without him?

You need to go to therapy to get your self esteem back. How the heck do you plan to focus on medical school with all this nonsense going on?

Wow! didn't know all of that...Please focus on you...First!

Good Luck!




Happy Hair Growing!

 

[Lita]

OP, you need to do some soul searching. There comes a time when we all have to take a step back and accept things for what they really are. You deserve better. I wish you the best.

ETA: This is in response to all of the threads that you have started. I'm looking at the whole picture.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^



Happy Hair Growing!

 

[missann]

Again, a poor man with kids shouldn't ever concieve of getting married?

Nope - unless he wants to marry his existing baby mama. Seriously, if you're poor and have kids and a baby mama, you don't need to be dating. JMHO.

 

[Evolving78]

yes i would, if he is my husband. those children would be become a part of my family. i have children as well. it is part of supporting the household.

OP, you just need to leave him alone and stop trying analyze having and building a future with this man surrounded by garbage. Tell the truth to yourself and shame the devil!

 

[Evolving78]

so the women in here that have children wouldn't expect their spouses to help out with their children from previous relationships, your money and children would be your responsibility? how is that possible?

i have a friend who's marriage was like that before, but she has lost her job and gets no support from her daughter's father, and now her current husband takes care of the needs in that house. same thing happened when he lost his job, and he was still obligated to make sure his children had health insurance, she had to put them on her policy.

 

[Ladybelle]

so the women in here that have children wouldn't expect their spouses to help out with their children from previous relationships, your money and children would be your responsibility? how is that possible?

i have a friend who's marriage was like that before, but she has lost her job and gets no support from her daughter's father, and now her current husband takes care of the needs in that house. same thing happened when he lost his job, and he was still obligated to make sure his children had health insurance, she had to put them on her policy.

I have kids and of course I would expect my next spouse to be willing to help take care of me & my kids, we're a package - even though some things my ex-dh is required to do via our divorce decree. But, I have no use for any man who isn't ready & willing to add to what I have - I'm not looking for a trophy husband by any means.

I guess there is a double standard and I don't think it's unfair at all. There are some things women are expected to bring to a relationship, and being the provider is not one of them.On the flip side - men are expected to be able to provide to some extent & most MEN (not boys) pride themselves in the ability to do so.

Now,if things got hard and my dh just couldn't care for his kids or us due to some unforseen, unpreventable circumstance-of course I would step in & help him out but this wouldn't be the norm. I'm willing to help my man in any way I can, but I will not be his crutch. There is a difference.

 

[ambergirl]

I agree, but there are situations when you make a child with your partner assuming your combined income will be sufficient to take care of any children you make. You get divorced and suddenly you're saddled with half your wages being garnished, plus finding a home to live in, plus finding enough money to buy your child the basics. So your suggestion is that if he is struggling to meet all those obligations, then that makes him undatable? Not every man is out to free ride off women!

No, I'm sayiing that I would think twice about marrying that man. He may be a good man but I don't want to be responsible for his financial committments. That's. my. choice.

I'm not suggesting that. I'm saying consider the circumstances when the shoe is on the other foot. if a new man came into your life and you were a single mother and struggling to make ends meet, you'd seriously be okay with your new man not even helping you now and again to help you raise your child?

I would do whatever I needed to do to take care of my kid and secure child support from the bio dad. Honestly, if that were me, it's unlikely I would remarry because as a single mom I would focus my energies on raising my child and not on getting a new man. But that's me.

Not everyone is blessed with a high income. So you're saying poor people shouldn't have kids? In this instance, we are talking about a man with 1 child, not a man with several kids by how ever many baby mamas

Please, that's so melodramatic. I'm saying I don't want to pay any man's child support. If he had the kid he should be prepared to support it.

But I am thankful there are women out there like you who want to help these guys pay their child support because some of them obviously need it and it won't be me.

 

[CarmelCupcake]

In response to Shortdub's post, if I had stepchildren who lived in the same household as me, then yes, I would defenitely contribute to the purchase of clothes, food, and other necessities. However, stepchildren often live with their biological mothers. If I had stepkids who lived with their biological mother, I would treat them as if they were my children when they would come over to visit. However, I will not, and I will say will not be pulling out cash from my bank account to pay the child(ren's) mother for child support. This would not my responsibility!

In addition, take a stepfamily where the stepchildren live with their biological father and not with the biological mom, do you think that stepfather is going to write out $1000.00 checks each month to the children's biogical father?

 

[Evolving78]

i know if i was a man, i'm not supporting your kids, if you can't support mine. and i would be asking a woman where is the child's father at if the kid needed something. i would take care of household bills, but your kid's education, clothes, etc..., that's something you and the father would need to figure out.

it would only go down like that IF i was going to have that type of attitude...

i've been in a step-mother situation before, and i didn't think like that at all, but i'm no sucker either.

 

[suburbanbushbabe]

No and no and no.

 

[Katherina]

So you're okay with your potential children's siblings living the life of a pauper?

He has responsibilities. He should be able to support his kids from both families. We're all gonna be paupers if we're involved with him . Plus, he's not even my husband -- he's my future husband and I can get out before having kids with him. You can't be serious.

You want to turn the tables. If I were a mother of a child who lived with his father (we're not together), and I got married to another man, I should be able to afford child support. It works the same way.

 

[Livingmylifetothefullest]

Nope, I won't be marrying (or dating) a man with children therefore, I don't need to worry about using some of my income to help him pay child support

 

[asakeba]

No, I'm sayiing that I would think twice about marrying that man. He may be a good man but I don't want to be responsible for his financial committments. That's. my. choice. .

Nothing wrong with your choice.

I would do whatever I needed to do to take care of my kid and secure child support from the bio dad. Honestly, if that were me, it's unlikely I would remarry because as a single mom I would focus my energies on raising my child and not on getting a new man. But that's me. .

That's very magnanimous of you, can't say that I'd do the same. I'm a woman who needs luvin

Please, that's so melodramatic. I'm saying I don't want to pay any man's child support. If he had the kid he should be prepared to support it.

But I am thankful there are women out there like you who want to help these guys pay their child support because some of them obviously need it and it won't be me.

Where is the melodrama? This is a very real possibilty. No one is saying he shouldn't be able to support his kid. The point is, if you are unwilling to help him support his dear child then do not be with him.


Whilst my post may be directed at you in response, I'm really challenging the attitudes of some women here that think they can marry a man with a child and act like they have no responsibility to him or his child. That's what's messed up. Yet, if its the other way round, plenty women on this board would be expecting their man to help them raise their child. Lets all hope you all get married and never get divorced.

 

[Katherina]

Whilst my post may be directed at you in response, I'm really challenging the attitudes of some women here that think they can marry a man with a child and act like they have no responsibility to him or his child. That's what's messed up. Yet, if its the other way round, plenty women on this board would be expecting their man to help them raise their child. Lets all hope you all get married and never get divorced.

You bring up an excellent point. Maybe if you hadn't rolled up in the thread earlier like an e-gangsta attacking people's religion it would be easier for people to acknowledge that.

 

[asakeba]

You bring up an excellent point. Maybe if you hadn't rolled up in the thread earlier like an e-gangsta attacking people's religion it would be easier for people to acknowledge that.

e-gangsta....huh? and yes, I don't think it's very Christian to treat children as if they are not your concern, when they are a member of your family.

 

[ambergirl]

That's very magnanimous of you, can't say that I'd do the same. I'm a woman who needs luvin

Not magnanimous. Just a recognition that once you have kids there are more important things then getting laid.

Where is the melodrama? This is a very real possibilty. No one is saying he shouldn't be able to support his kid. The point is, if you are unwilling to help him support his dear child then do not be with him.

What was melodramatic was your statement that poor people shouldn't have kids. And on the bolded that is what everyone has been saying from the very begining.

Whilst my post may be directed at you in response, I'm really challenging the attitudes of some women here that think they can marry a man with a child and act like they have no responsibility to him or his child. That's what's messed up. Yet, if its the other way round, plenty women on this board would be expecting their man to help them raise their child. Lets all hope you all get married and never get divorced.

What I think most people are saying is that they would not marry a man who did demonstrate ample evidence that he could meet his child support obligations without his wife's income. It's not about not loving or feeling some sense of resonsibility for his children. It's about his sense of responsiblity to his kids and his willingness to do what he needs to do to meet his obligations. I also wouldn't marry a man who had massive long term debt that he couldn't manage. If his financial situation is that precarious that he can't pay child support, he should be focusing on finding ways to meet his current obligations and not taking on another set of wife and kids.

In practice, if you're married and sharing resoures of course your funds are blended and those distinctions between what's his and what's yours become
hard to make and less important. But still, it's pretty easy to figure out what he's bringing into the household and to ensure that he has the resources and willingness to provide for his children.

 

[Ladybelle]

Also on the flip side, I wouldn't marry a man with kids who didn't take care of them and/or didn't have a relationship with them, so the chances of me ever having to help pay child support would be slim to none, I'll be sure of that. (that's if I remarry, I don't plan on it!)

Plus,

I don't expect whoemever my future ex-dh gets with to be momma to my kids. I expect her to be nice to them, to treat them with respect but I don't expect her to do MY job. It'll be nice if she buys them presents & stuff if she gonna be stepma, but that's about the extent of my expectations. And it's a man's job to take care of his offspring. What's so difficult to understand about that? And why would anyone expect his future wife to do his job?

 

[Ladybelle]

Not magnanimous. Just a recognition that once you have kids there are more important things then getting laid.




What was melodramatic was your statement that poor people shouldn't have kids. And on the bolded that is what everyone has been saying from the very begining.



What I think most people are saying is that they would not marry a man who did demonstrate ample evidence that he could meet his child support obligations without his wife's income. It's not about not loving or feeling some sense of resonsibility for his children. It's about his sense of responsiblity to his kids and his willingness to do what he needs to do to meet his obligations. I also wouldn't marry a man who had massive long term debt that he couldn't manage. If his financial situation is that precarious that he can't pay child support, he should be focusing on finding ways to meet his current obligations and not taking on another set of wife and kids.

In practice, if you're married and sharing resoures of course your funds are blended and those distinctions between what's his and what's yours become
hard to make and less important. But still, it's pretty easy to figure out what he's bringing into the household and to ensure that he has the resources and willingness to provide for his children.

and the let church say........Amen! Stated very well.

 

[Flor]

Nope. And that is why I found and married a man with no children. And yes, I believe that children need to be their parents' responsability.

 

[asakeba]

Not magnanimous. Just a recognition that once you have kids there are more important things then getting laid. .

There are plenty of blended families all over the world, and on this board. Many of them would disagree with your view point.

What was melodramatic was your statement that poor people shouldn't have kids. And on the bolded that is what everyone has been saying from the very begining. .

There are people who have suggested poor people shouldn't have kids. Some on here have explicitly said it and others have implied it; statements like if he can't meet his obligations, he shouldn't have kids. I know plenty of people who's fathers made minimum wage, including my own. Saying someone shouldn't have kids when they are poor is speaking me and many others out of existence. Forgive me if i disagree with all those people including you.

What I think most people are saying is that they would not marry a man who did demonstrate ample evidence that he could meet his child support obligations without his wife's income. It's not about not loving or feeling some sense of resonsibility for his children. It's about his sense of responsiblity to his kids and his willingness to do what he needs to do to meet his obligations. I also wouldn't marry a man who had massive long term debt that he couldn't manage. If his financial situation is that precarious that he can't pay child support, he should be focusing on finding ways to meet his current obligations and not taking on another set of wife and kids.

In practice, if you're married and sharing resoures of course your funds are blended and those distinctions between what's his and what's yours become
hard to make and less important. But still, it's pretty easy to figure out what he's bringing into the household and to ensure that he has the resources and willingness to provide for his children.

Other women on this board who are married to men with children have expressly stated they will not pay a dime towards raising their step children.

Everything is so black and white to you. Not every situation fits into your neat little boxes. I know plenty of good men who have children and are struggling to make ends meet. I'd be horrified at the idea of someone saying they should never conceive of getting into a new relationship, particularly when they make better fathers than men who supposedly have a significant degree of resources

 

[Mis007]

I see you are judging something unrelated and comparing tragic circumstances that have nothing to do with the issue at hand... Yes, you can pick and choose your obligations by not taking them ON! I think that most people are saying in an indirect way, "no, because I wouldn't marry him in the first place." Somebody brought up the excellent point about taking away from the children of the new union to pay the children of the older one. If there's not enough money to keep everyone healthy, wealthy and satisfied, then it's a union made in hell that probably should not have happened...at least, not at the time of the financial distress. You don't take on a new wife and you cannot comfortably support your previous family and new one where somebody is going to have to go without.

Thanks is not enough.

 

[Mis007]

Now that I have seen your other threads about this guy, you have clearly LOST YOUR DARN MIND!!!
http://www.longhaircareforum.com/relationships/510340-my-man-finds-out-he-has.html

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/relationships/512587-would-you-date-man-no-college-education.html

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/relationships/511677-would-you-date-man-children.html

http://www.longhaircareforum.com/pregnancy-motherhood/514489-28-old-age-have-your-first-child.html

This guy is a POS and you have known it since 2 months in. He has been pretty clear that he does not even like Black women but you post a thread calling this POS guy your future HUSBAND??!?!?!? You have seemingly planned out your entire married life with this guy in it, with kids and it seems now you do not want to walk away despite all the flaws you posted about him.

I cannot even fathom why you are considering helping him to pay his child support for the surprise 7 year old child that he has with a White woman. And how does that even happen these days? A surprise 7 year old? So he just hit & ran ... or maybe the White woman had sense enough to leave his POS self alone and try to raise her baby without him?

You need to go to therapy to get your self esteem back. How the heck do you plan to focus on medical school with all this nonsense going on?

You do make an awful lot of threads about this guy, and nothing good not sure what you see in him really.

 

[ambergirl]

Everything is so black and white to you. Not every situation fits into your neat little boxes. I know plenty of good men who have children and are struggling to make ends meet. I'd be horrified at the idea of someone saying they should never conceive of getting into a new relationship, particularly when they make better fathers than men who supposedly have a significant degree of resources

I don't see things in black and white, I'm just honest, which is more then I can say for you. A few posts back you said this.

Won't be me either, which is why I wouldn't date someone with kid,

Yet here you are steady arguing and judging people for something you yourself would not do. Please stop. Unless you are willing to pony up your hard earned cash to pay child support for your man you are just being hypocritical.

 

[asakeba]

I don't see things in black and white, I'm just honest, which is more then I can say for you. A few posts back you said this.



Yet here you are steadying arguing and judging people for something you yourself would not do. Please stop. Unless you are willing to pony up your hard earned cash to pay child support for your man you are just being hypocritical.

I will always defend good men- good people period. I've been consistent in that. No, I would not date a man who had kids not because I don't want to pay CS, but because I want to be in a relationship where we are both parents for the first time. And my statement referencing your statement that "it wouldn't be me" was referring to your comment about freeloading men who deliberately pick women who will pay their CS.

If, for whatever reason, I do end up with a man with a child/ren, I would be entering that relationship in the knowledge that his kids become my kids with all the obligations that entails.

 

[ambergirl]

^^^ Bottom line is that you have no intention of ever being in a position of marrying a man with kids for whatever reason, that you pass up these good men everyday because you have a vision of the life you want with your future husband and it doesn't include him having children and that you're no different then anyone else posting here who has reservations about marrying men with kids. That's why all the judgement and finger wagging rings hollow.