raising the child of your man's AFFAIR? WOULD YOU?

would you help to raise the child from his adultry

  • yes, i would willingly do it. the child did not ask to be here.

    Votes: 41 20.0%

  • no, i would forgive but not be able to forget, with a child as proof of the affair.

    Votes: 164 80.0%
  • Total voters
    205
MzLady78 said:
I hear you.

I'm just thinking if I was a dude lurking on this forum and read this, I'd be like "oh word? I can cheat, have other kids, be forgiven AND have my woman help raise 'em??? That's what's up" :look:
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Fo sho. Unfortunately the number of women out there that would do just that amazws the HELL out of me.:ohwell:

JCoily said:
When you have a son who watches mama take in daddy's outside kids TRUST that you've taught him by example a lesson about what is acceptable within a marriage.

Odds are that your childrens marriage or lack thereof will be patterned after your own.


More times than not, everybody ain't just go up and get along like the Huxtables. Deceitful beginnings usually have deceitful endings. Ain't no way I'd willingly bring that negativity into my home.
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Pretty much. I see my own parents and grandparents marriage reflected in my own, even down to my choice of a husband. I also totally agree with the bolded above. You do the crime, be willing to do the time. And we all know some crimes have life sentences:nono:
 
I have a friend who was (and still is) with her boyfriend of 12 years and they lived together.
For two years he was leading a double life and had a child with another woman six months after my friend gave birth to her child with him.
He told my friend all about it when his love-child was 2 years old - only because the other woman came knocking on her door looking for him! :blush:
They split up and he had another child with the other woman but they were not in a permanent relationship. He was officially living with his mum whom he didn't get on with.
My friend actually wanted him back (i know she had bills to pay :perplexed). She said she wasn't in love with him but she loved him and he was the father of her child.
The situation right now is that after a year of him seeing both women and she giving him 5 ultimatums he is now living back with her and my friend regularly sees the other two children but not the woman.
Infact he looks after his other two kids waaaay more than he his child with my friend.
My friend is hitting 40 and her life is a mess just because she won't let this deadbeat (he is in a very low paid job:look:) go.
To this day he tells her that he is 'seeing how things go'. :nono:

ETA- the guy is no great looker and by all accounts he has an average size peewee.
 
I'm not down for being disrespected for my children or for the sake of marriage. If my husband had a love child, I would divorce him. Since I will allow him to see our children I would hope that his love child will be included in those outings. I wouldn't force my children to have a relationship with the outside sister or brother, but I'm not going to discourage them if they develop a deep bond. If they do I will nurture that bond for the sake of my child. If they don't well that's between them and their father.
 
TowsonGirl said:
So your husband had more than one kid on the side?? wow, ur way better than me because i woulda beat my husband to kingdom come and THEN left him..true the kids arent to blame, but the man should be held accountable for his actions..having a kid outside of marriage is the utmost disrespect i think a man can do. Not only is he cheating, but he is also sticking another woman with no hard hat (YUCK), while being with you as well. So he is showing that he does not give two figs about your (or his) health! ..not to mention the fact that the child serves as a public notice to everyone that the husband cheated on the wife...

whew, this is gettin me worked up! i hope i never encounter this type of situation when i get married, because i probably would end up in jail.:nono:
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Who said screwing us both? We were separated. I love me more than him so I know to protect me and mine. Once we reconciled, I forgave him and like I said, we moved on. Yes its a reminder but I love those kids just the same.
 
Absolutely not. My husband would quickly become my ex and, unless we had children together, I'd kick him out of my life forever.
 
I think if a man cheats on his wife and fathers an OOW child, he has a duty to his wife and family to distance himself from the child. Just because the husband is the blood relative of the child does NOT make him a father. It's not the child's fault and the child should not be blamed, but it is just unrealistic to expect the wife to raise the child. That's just life. The cheating husband and the mother shoulder 100% of the blame for creating a messed up situation for the child. The cheating husband should just have to deal with his guilty conscience.

And if the mother cares about her child, she will find a man who can commit to her and her child 100%, because there is no way the biological father can actually be a father for that child. Expecting the cheater to be a father is just plain selfish--just like sleeping with the man in the first place was selfish.

As for not knowing about a sibling, if my father had a fling and had an OOW child, I would personally rather NOT know. I don't want to meet someone just because they are related to me by blood. They are just some other person off of the street. Also, I couldn't bear to hurt my mother by hanging out with the child.
 
No I'd have to go. I've already told my fiance cheating is one of my big NOs. If he cheats he has to go, so raising any outside child definitely would not happen.


I want to say I'd be cordial to the child as a Christian, but I can already see myself being an evil stepmother. Thus, I think in this situation it would be best for me to exit and never look back. Especially if we had kids together already, I just don't think that would be fair for my children or to myself to live in a household like that where I will be miserable and making everyone else miserable.

I have a family member now with a child by a married man and the father rarely sees the child because he and his wife moved to a far away state. Now the child is the one who suffers the most.
 
spelmanlocks said:
No I'd have to go. I've already told my fiance cheating is one of my big NOs. If he cheats he has to go, so raising any outside child definitely would not happen.


I want to say I'd be cordial to the child as a Christian, but I can already see myself being an evil stepmother. Thus, I think in this situation it would be best for me to exit and never look back. Especially if we had kids together already, I just don't think that would be fair for my children or to myself to live in a household like that where I will be miserable and making everyone else miserable.

I have a family member now with a child by a married man and the father rarely sees the child because he and his wife moved to a far away state. Now the child is the one who suffers the most.
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Yep. Its sad when you grow up not knowing "why" until later. Or finding out you have older sisters and brothers later.
 
mrsmeredith said:
Who said screwing us both? We were separated. I love me more than him so I know to protect me and mine. Once we reconciled, I forgave him and like I said, we moved on. Yes its a reminder but I love those kids just the same.
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You didn't screw him during the separation but his dangalang going up inside someone else bareback during the separation is scary *** helz! Yikes! :nono: :nono:
To each his own. Helz for all I know my coochie could fall off and die from some oldie but goody lowly kneegrows unknown bareback behavior from way back when:lachen:. Coochie don't fail me now, please don't fall out while I'm walking up a flight a stairs. :rolleyes::lachen:
 
HeatSeeker said:
Yep. Its sad when you grow up not knowing "why" until later. Or finding out you have older sisters and brothers later.
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You know someone personally this has happened too? I really would like to know a first hand account. A old friend had a chid by a married man. Her daughter was very disrespectful to her because of it even though she was allowed into the family. Now that the daugther is grown and OWW she suddenly gets along with momma:rolleyes: .
 
firecracker said:
You know someone personally this has happened too? I really would like to know a first hand account. A old friend had a chid by a married man. Her daughter was very disrespectful to her because of it even though she was allowed into the family. Now that the daugther is grown and OWW she suddenly gets along with momma:rolleyes: .
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Me. I still dont know all the specfics, but my dad had a LTR with another woman when my mom came into the picture and had me, my sister and brother. They fell out and she never allowed us to speak to him. When I was around 18 I found out I had an older sister. I dont know her, and we still dont get along with my sperm donors family, they triflin folk anyhow so I'm straight.
 
I get that people are saying a child is proof that he didn't use protection but just b/c there is no proof "child" doesn't mean that he used protection. And just b/c he tells u he did, doesn't mean that he did. Shoot if there's no proof, he aint really got to tell you anything but what you want to hear. :ohwell:
 
Well, I found out when I was a teen that my father had cheated on my mother when she just found out she was pregnant with my sister and I. In fact, he had to have been messing with the OTW during their first couple of years in marriage because as I was told, my brother is only a year older than my sister and I.

I was disgusted by him but not too surprised because my father was a notorious cheat and my mother's excuse for staying with him was, "Ya'll need your father" :rolleyes:

Anywho, I have no idea what my brother looks like or his real name.
For all I know, he could have been a past boyfriend or someone I had sex with for all I know.

It's reason's like this that I feel that children should have some kind of relationship with their half siblings because in life, you just never know.

You don't want your daughters to marry her new husband only to find out her husband is her brother. She will never forgive none of the parents for such a huge secret being kept from her or him.

Yes it sounds very soap opera-ish but it's a very strong possibility.

I know it's hard to accept outside children into your home but it's also very selfish to me to deprive an OOWC from getting to know their father and siblings. Everyone is always complaining about black men leaving the woman high and dry with children and doesn't take care of them but now I must ask, how many of those men were married to someone else and their wives gave them the ultimatum a lot of you are demanding your husbands must come to terms with if such an issue happens? Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?
Not every OTW may be aware that the man they are having sex with belong to another woman. Let's please keep this in mind because it happens more often than not for it not to be a strong possibility. Will you still hate the OTW then for being as bamboozeled and hoodwinked as you have been?

Anyway, with the case of my father, the OTW never knew my father was married and it was her mother who figured it out, found my mother's number in the phone book and told it all! When the other woman found out, she tried to stab and cut my father up, literally! He ran home crying to my mom not realizing that my mom already knew.
The OTW moved away somewhere in NY and that was the end of that but my mother never forgave my father, even though she stayed with him.

Ladies, if you choose to forgive your husband for his indiscretion, you might as well accept the child too because to have a man actually agreeing with your terms of choosing you and your family and say a big "**** You" to the mental and physical upbringing of the OTW's child as well, then you no longer have a man or a husband..but a weak a** little boy and honestly, will you still be able to trust him to not do it again?

I don't think so..............
 
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Prayerfully I will NEVER be in this situation. Honestly, I don't think I could stay with a man that put me in this position. However, I would never blame a child for that, it's not their fault.

Two of my friends growing up were in this exact situation. One friend I am extremely close to (let's call her A) and the other I'm close to, but not as close (let's call her B). A is the child of the affair. She and I went to school together, and we were one of a very small number of Blacks (that's how we befriended). Anyway, B (who at the time didn't know she had a sister) was my friend from church and social organizations.

Well, one day A came to church with my family and her "family" saw her with my family and knew it was going to "get out." All of a sudden, her father and his wife were all "come sit with us":ohwell::perplexed:look:. The wife knew about her all along:yep:, but they never told their kids:nono:.

B had NO IDEA she had a sister. Oh, by the way, they are only a few months apart, so A and B's mother were pregnant simultaneously (I'm sure this adds to the devastation). A and B didn't know each other. Apparently, A's mother had been trying to get A's father to be more involved with A, but he completely shut them out. And A's father was very well off (a successful business man), but didn't take care of her. A is biracial and her mother loved my family, b/c she saw as a good, happy family. Plus we were in Black organizations that her daughter (due to her background, uneducated, single mother) couldn't be in, but b/c of her friendship with me, she came to stuff with me. Her mother wanted her to be around successful Blacks and worked several jobs to get my friend into private school, etc.

It was truly devastating to everyone when it came out and they had to deal with it. We were pretty young then, and it wasn't until a few years ago that B told me that she had no idea that A existed and was shocked and devastated when she found out. I'm sure she was, and I think that would be very painful to be a young girl and find out that your father had a child from another woman while your mother was pregnant with you!
 
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daoriginaldiva said:
Ladies, if you choose to forgive your husband for his indiscretion, you might as well accept the child too because to have a man actually agreeing with your terms of choosing you and your family and say a big "**** You" to the mental and physical upbringing of the OTW's child as well, then you no longer have a man or a husband..but a weak a** little boy and honestly, will you still be able to trust him to not do it again?

I don't think so..............
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ITA with the bolded.....

I however, wouldn't take him back if we had children or not......
 
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daoriginaldiva said:
You don't want your daughters to marry her new husband only to find out her husband is her brother. She will never forgive none of the parents for such a huge secret being kept from her or him.

I know it's hard to accept outside children into your home but it's also very selfish to me to deprive an OOWC from getting to know their father and siblings. Everyone is always complaining about black men leaving the woman high and dry with children and doesn't take care of them but now I must ask, how many of those men were married to someone else and their wives gave them the ultimatum a lot of you are demanding your husbands must come to terms with if such an issue happens? Kinda makes you think, doesn't it?
Not every OTW may be aware that the man they are having sex with belong to another woman. Let's please keep this in mind because it happens more often than not for it not to be a strong possibility. Will you still hate the OTW then for being as bamboozeled and hoodwinked as you have been?

Ladies, if you choose to forgive your husband for his indiscretion, you might as well accept the child too because to have a man actually agreeing with your terms of choosing you and your family and say a big "**** You" to the mental and physical upbringing of the OTW's child as well, then you no longer have a man or a husband..but a weak a** little boy and honestly, will you still be able to trust him to not do it again?

I don't think so..............
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Your whole post was on point, but these parts really stood out to me!:yep:
 
I feel pretty strongly about this one because I am a love child. I think it is selfish and petty to expect a father to walk away from that other woman and child because he was slime. My "dad" had a wife in another country when he moved to the US He hooked up with my mom, an immigrant from another country- and didn't tell her about his wife until she got pregnant. While she was pregnant he brought his wife into the country and proceeded to get her with child. As a young child I had no say over where I had to go and my mom and dad decided I should spend one weekend a month with them.
My father's wife would do everything she could to make me miserable and no one would believe me if I told on her because she knew how to fake the funk when others were around. MY younger brother is horrible to me because I was the bastard and he was legitimate. I no longer even speak to my half siblings. I had to put up with that woman's bitterness and hatefulness until I finally had proof. I have allergies. The first time she "accidentally" fed me something, she got away with it by crying saying she didn't know. The second time my reaction was so severe I had to be rushed to the emergency room and almost died because I couldn't breathe on my own. Needless to say I wasn't allowed to visit again and rarely saw my dad after that.
I share my story just to say that if you ever get into this situation don't become a complete ***** by damaging someone's child. Either leave that man alone and move on with your life or make peace with the fact that accepting his poor choices are now the right thing to do!
 
tallen said:
I feel pretty strongly about this one because I am a love child. I think it is selfish and petty to expect a father to walk away from that other woman and child because he was slime. My "dad" had a wife in another country when he moved to the US He hooked up with my mom, an immigrant from another country- and didn't tell her about his wife until she got pregnant. While she was pregnant he brought his wife into the country and proceeded to get her with child. As a young child I had no say over where I had to go and my mom and dad decided I should spend one weekend a month with them.
My father's wife would do everything she could to make me miserable and no one would believe me if I told on her because she knew how to fake the funk when others were around. MY younger brother is horrible to me because I was the bastard and he was legitimate. I no longer even speak to my half siblings. I had to put up with that woman's bitterness and hatefulness until I finally had proof. I have allergies. The first time she "accidentally" fed me something, she got away with it by crying saying she didn't know. The second time my reaction was so severe I had to be rushed to the emergency room and almost died because I couldn't breathe on my own. Needless to say I wasn't allowed to visit again and rarely saw my dad after that.
I share my story just to say that if you ever get into this situation don't become a complete ***** by damaging someone's child. Either leave that man alone and move on with your life or make peace with the fact that accepting his poor choices are now the right thing to do!
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Very well stated.

--However, I have to say I can't be concentrating on other people's feelings, when my feelings are damaged as well. Could you imagine how humiliating that must have been for his wife?... I agree that we shouldn't mistreat the child. Hell, I would hit the road, so there would be no chance to mistreat the child. --All I'm saying is, its not fair for both parties. The other woman and her child, & the wife. [I feel like there is no right or wrong answer in this situation] :perplexed
 
I mean honestly the adults need to realize that it's NOT ABOUT THEM. The child is here. The love child has every right to his/her father as YOUR children do. It aint about YOU, it's about the child. Forcing your husband to ignore HIS child is not going to negate the fact that he cheated on you or that the child exists. :nono:
 
Okay so.....

1.If he cheats and produces a child then "bye bye and don't let the doorknob hit cha in the rear!"

2. My concern would be (((((((MY)))))) kids above all else. It would truly disgust me to look or even have contact with the product of his affair. They're sure not welcome in my home or around my kids.

3. So now that its established that I will be ending my marriage and moving on, I won't have to see money coming out of my household and going into another. None of my hard earned cash would be going to take care of his mistake.

4. I wouldn't care about any children involved except my own. Furthermore, my kids would be sheltered from that outside child until they're adults and wanted to contact the half sibling themselves. Sorry but I couldn't bear to look at a child and wonder what position was he hitting her in when they were conceived!!:look:

5. Sorry but that man made his bed hard when he laid down and got someone else pregnant
so no I'm not accepting no other kids and no I'm not staying around to rebuild our marriage.
So the good thing is once I'm divorced, the child will be able to see him 24/7 if they please.
Sadly, I think most men might resent the child a little because of their broken marriage.
 
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No, I could not/would not raise the child of an extra-marital affair. I would let hubby go and let him be a father to his child.
 
amerikan said:
I mean honestly the adults need to realize that it's NOT ABOUT THEM.

The vows are: Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health; and forsaking all others?-Yes, it is ALL about me

The child is here.

That's for the child's mother to be concerned with. I didn't sleep with her husband, she slept with mine. Not my problem.

The love child has every right to his/her father as YOUR children do.

They have a right to child support. My children will divide their time with their father with no one.


It aint about YOU, it's about the child.

See the vows

Forcing your husband to ignore HIS child is not going to negate the fact that he cheated on you or that the child exists.

It wouldn't be force. If he wants to be with his outside child, he's free to go. If he wants to stay with me, he plays by my rules. Me and my children are the wronged parties. I'm not taking care of any other woman's child every other weekend, holidays, vacations, or any of that. If she wants a man in the child's life, Big Brothers and Big Sisters of America are always willing.

:nono:
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My comments are in bold blue. If a woman chooses to accept a child of infidelity, I take my hat off to her. I simply wouldn't tolerate it, and wouldn't be made to feel bad about it.
 
this is a hard question. b/c im not faced w/ something like this, my love for my SO would be most DEF be tested. however I dont know what I would do if faced w/ a situation like this.
 
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