Is Marriage for White People? by Ralph Richard Banks

[greight]

Why is this Ralph Banks guy blaming Black women for the decline in Black marriage?

Why are we Black Women always told what we need to do (date non-Black men) or what we need to change (stop dating Black men)? What's up with that?

And how is he gonna blame Black men insecurity on the reason why they don't marry a prominent Black woman? And then in the next sentence say, "well, Black men marry outside their race." Are these Black men that he is referring to marrying non-Black women who are lower status than them and that make them feel more secure and like the breadwinner or something? erplexed

How about more encouragement for both Black men and Black women on commitment and the value of a Black marriage. How about more promotion of successful Black marriages within Black families and the Black community. There are a lot of Black women who are married to Black men, old and young!

At the first bolded... He's really NOT doing that at all. I'm not sure what videos/articles you are referring to, but his argument is:

# of BW doing the damn thing > # of BM doing the damn thing

So let's say 50% of BM and 50% of BW want to get married. Since there are a greater number of eligible BW than BM, you will have extra BW who are single and are not matched to a BM.

If these BW do want to get married, they should consider dating outside of the race. It's not as if we suck or are not desirable, there are not enough of BM to go around to simply date/marry ONLY BM.

LadyPaniola brought up the situation in Asia where there is a lot more men than women. In their area, you have a lot more single men than women. As a result, women will have a greater dating pool to choose their eligible men from.

As for the 2nd bolded, men who can't provide tend to be insecure and may choose to delay marriage until have their act together. I honestly watched the videos, but never heard him say that these insecure BM specifically date outside of their race because they are insecure.

Compared to BW, BM do marry outside the race at a greater number. While a great majority of BM do marry BW, the question is why is their such a disparity in dating patterns? Shouldn't it be technically equal OR even favoring BW since we're interacting with more races than BM technically (since we're in college, not jail)?

Encouraging BM and BW to have healthy relationships and marriage is all well and good, but if there are more BM in jail than there are eligible bachelors to date, what exactly should a BW do if she's already in her 30s? That's his point.

He's coming from a numbers standpoint, NOT what are we doing wrong. He never says we're doing anything wrong. But he wants us to get married and be in families, period. He wants children to be raised in two parent homes hence him advocating marriage.

While I'm at it, the title: "Is Marriage for White People?" was a student response to the idea of marriage in the black community. They didn't think it was for black people.

 

[greight]

I agree, I notice the professor didn't tell white men to cross that barrier, but the other way around. You put forth the effort, and take the chances of being rejected. You show that you want a white man

This is not what he's saying to do at all. C'mon ya'll.

He's just saying please don't restrict your dating pool to only black men.

You can get rejected by any man by any color by any nationality, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, etc.

He's saying that even if 10% of white men say that they are interested in dating BW, that's about 10 million of the population and that means that you'll have a greater pool of possible suitors to choose from.

Can we please just focus on the numbers?

He's not saying all BM are kangs and BW need to throw themselves at a white man out of desperation.

 

[lushcoils]

I agree, I notice the professor didn't tell white men to cross that barrier, but the other way around. You put forth the effort, and take the chances of being rejected. You show that you want a white man

Girl, don't you that know that all a bw has to do is be cute, slim, and well-educated, and wm will be throwing themselves at her?? It's that simple.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

It could have been that she was playing the "straight man". She was acting like the BW hearing his message and being unsettled, incredulous, unnerved etc, as a way to help those viewers to feel more comfortable with his message. This technique is common in the communications field.

Hmmm...interesting deduction. :scratchch

This is not what he's saying to do at all. C'mon ya'll.

He's just saying please don't restrict your dating pool to only black men.

You can get rejected by any man by any color by any nationality, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, etc.

He's saying that even if 10% of white men say that they are interested in dating BW, that's about 10 million of the population and that means that you'll have a greater pool of possible suitors to choose from.

Can we please just focus on the numbers?

He's not saying all BM are kangs and BW need to throw themselves at a white man out of desperation.

I agree.

It's just basic simple math folks. If I'm trying to win a contest for some money and ONE contest has 2 cash prizes available and the OTHER contest has 50 cash prizes to give out....WHICH contest do YOU think I have a better chance at winning??

I think he's just trying to encourage bw to widen their pool of dating options...nothing less, nothing more.

 

[StarScream35]

Girl, don't you that know that all a bw has to do is be cute, slim, and well-educated, and wm will be throwing themselves at her?? It's that simple.

Girlfriend, I got a funny feeling you are being highly facetious!!!

 

[Mis007]

This is not what he's saying to do at all. C'mon ya'll.

He's just saying please don't restrict your dating pool to only black men.

You can get rejected by any man by any color by any nationality, ethnicity, socioeconomic status, etc.

He's saying that even if 10% of white men say that they are interested in dating BW, that's about 10 million of the population and that means that you'll have a greater pool of possible suitors to choose from.

Can we please just focus on the numbers?

He's not saying all BM are kangs and BW need to throw themselves at a white man out of desperation.

Ok, Black women make up less than 12% of the US population, so why are there scores of articles and books dedicated to analyzing their desirability? There aren't very many around to dissect, in comparison to other races of women, so why the fascination?

 

[greight]

I used to accept the bolded statement but now I seriously question whether its true or not. Here is why.............Most black women KNOW as a race, we are on the bottom in the heirarchery here in America. Make no mistake about that. I say America because Europeans aren't as hung up on race as Americans are. Some sistas may deny that we are on the bottom but when we see our own men sleight us for anything other than black women that speaks volumes. We are supposedly in a post racial society and we look around and see that when white men do marry out, they marry Asian women, Latina, Native American women with full acceptance from family and society. When Asian men marry out, they marry white women and the same pattern follows with other races. Again, that speaks volumes.

Black with any racial combination seems to cause the most problems EVERYWHERE among EVERYBODY. If men are asked why they don't prefer black women here comes the list of stereotypes and I know dang well these men should know that all black women don't fit those stereotypes but they don't care cause Gender racism is alive and well. So I have come to the conclusion that given all of this, black women won't date out not because of loyalty to black men but fear of rejection. Sticking with black men is a defense mechanism of sorts.

See, I can understand where this argument is coming from.

We should try not to limit ourselves to what society's perceptions are, however. We'll just become more and more bitter.

I always have Michelle Obama in my profile on this site because she reminds me every day that there are so many other FLOTUS out there doing the damn thing. She's beautiful in a way only a black woman can be. When I first read her bio, I was inspired.

There are so many of us who do so much and deserve the best in love and life. Why should we lower ourselves to society's standards? Why should we expect rejection? Ain't I a woman?

 

[greight]

Ok, Black women make up less than 12% of the US population, so why are there scores of articles and books dedicated to analyzing their desirability? There aren't very many around to dissect, in comparison to other races of women, so why the fascination?

1) To be quite frank, the destruction of the black family has always been a focal point or a concern since (and even before) the Moynihan report. Marriage and family within the black community has never followed the standard trajectory because of the history of slavery. BW worked when WW didn't. BM couldn't really find good, stable jobs due to racism so there couldn't provide in the same ways as WM. The list goes on.

Look at welfare policies since their origin and tell me that it wasn't created to break up the black family.

People are fascinated by dysfunction.

2) I also believe that desirability has never been the real issue, IMO. I think perceived desirability is tied to mainstream media and the media is a smokescreen of sorts. And to be really honest, the media has never been positive look for black people. EVER. Before television, before the internet, etc.

3) That's because when you look at the numbers of all other women from other backgrounds, BW are forever the contrary . I'm not playing when I say that the data (the census in particular) speaks for itself.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Ooooh, do tell me more!

Personally, that would weaken his argument. But then again, I wonder how he positions WM since they are a sizable majority in the country versus men of other races and backgrounds.

When you say that non-black men are more willing to date BW, what research did he do?

I also think that Banks probably wrote it because he was primarily interested in family law and race law. Here is his bio from Stanford.



So it seems to intersect directly into the black family. But it'd be interesting to hear why he wrote the book because to be honest, it seems weird getting this type of stuff from a BM raising black sons.

nagawa I agree with the bolded. The most available studies we have on racial preferences in dating come from date related to Internet dating so that's where Banks got his statistics from. He mentions the infamous OKCupid study which said WM weren't interested in BW and pointed out that what the researchers behind that study didn't mention was that other groups, Hispanics, Asians, Middle Easterners, etc. responded to BW more than WM and even BM did. So, IMO to focus mostly on WM undermines his argument because even though there are more WM around, Banks' point was that nonBM are interested in BW so it hardly makes sense to focus on the group that his own research says is least likely to be interested in BW. It doesn't matter that most BW who marry interracially do so with a WM, Banks isn't talking about BW who are already married, his message is that BW should expand their options to nonBM period. It makes him look kinda biased towards white people. Look at the video I quoted below me. He discussed the OKCupid study.

I would really suggest all of you guys to watch the videos since I really think he argues his points very well, especially this video: Leah Ward: Institutional American Values - Is Marriage for White People.

Thanks for posting this link! Banks is pretty persuasive. Hearing him talk about his mother and why he wrote the book makes me like him more because it's obvious he wanted to focus entirely on BW, which is something you don't see too often unfortunately.

 

[UmSumayyah]

Really? erplexed I'm sorry, but this is pure foolishness. What's the deal with some of you? Comments like these really make me I honestly hope there are white people that frequent this board based on some stuff I have read lately. erplexed

I didn't watch the videos, but based on the title I would say that marriage is not just for white people. I swear I must continue to live in some type of parallel universe where I experience the opposite of everyone else. So weird. I know plenty of black couples that have been married and have stayed married. Of course some marriages (not many) have ended in divorce, but the same could be said for white marriages.

In my world everyone has a job and no problem buying the necessities and some extras. I suppose that means there's no recession.

 

[Dellas]

http://www.thegrio.com/news/marriage-is-for-white-people-author-black-men-have-failed.php

 

[Ms Kain]

You have said this very well. It's what I've been trying to say for ages! You can find your niche and work the h3ll out of it, OR you can go all Fight Club for the stuff everybody and their mama is going for.

That's what I was saying in the China post. Look at the big picture: millions of men who WANT desperately to get married, who already have the values that make them primed to be great husbands, fathers and providers... and insufficient Chinese women for them to marry. They are there, on your college campus, getting advanced degrees in highly marketable fields... while all the women around them are looking through them like they are invisible! Scooping one of them up seems like a no-brainer to me

Unless you prefer doing Battle Royale so you can be woman #4 in the Round Robin for one of the 2 eligible BM on campus Couldn't be me.

OMG! Now see? THAT is what I'm talkin' about right there!!!

Why in the WORLD would I throw my fishing rod into a small a$$ lake along with a bunch of other BW squashed together with their rods in it when there's another lake down the road that is bigger, is well stocked with a variety of fish and has less people fishing in it? Especially when I know that this lil @$$ lake that they are standing around only has a few fish that will bite and chances are that even if we get a bite, we might have to throw them back? Yes there may be a few good fish but let a starving women see what I have on my hook and see if her starving butt won't try to fight me for it!! Man, please... I do NOT have time for that!! Not when I can go right down the road to a lake with more fish!

*Sigh* Sorry yall.... I have a condition called Metaphoritis that has clearly been passed down to me from my Grandma...... so I hope that someone understands what I mean.

But I guess the bottom line is that this is not just about competition but about understanding the law of supply and demand and valuing my own time. Why should I look right past a man who has the values, the emotional and financial stability that I love and sees the value in my love just because I feel bad for BM or because I'm on some "My black prince will come for me someday" type $#it? To do that would be to rob myself of my natural or God given right to settle down and have a family! If I were to play that "keep hope alive" waiting game, the only one who would suffer in the end would be me and that's not cool Hmph.....nope!

But I could go on and on about this but you summarized this topic pretty well..... I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT I LIKE YOU!!!! YOU A'IGHT!!!! LOL!!!!!

 

[anon123]

I can see how dating out would be a solution for some black women, but I just can't see this solving the problem with marriage and long-term commitment in the black community as a whole. We keep talking about it being a numbers game, can we talk about that a little more? People are speaking as if the white population has a 2:1 male to female ratio with some huge excess of marriageable men who wouldn't otherwise have partners. First, you find a quality white man. Second, from that group you have to find the percentage that is open to IRR with black women. And not only open to it, but actually ending up with black women since, assuming they don't have anything against white women, just by their likely environment, those men are likely to end up with one of the white women around them. Numbers-wise, unless WM start rejecting WW en masse, I don't see how white men as a group can absorb the whole, or even the majority, of black women who want to get married but don't/can't/won't marry a black man.

But hey, it'll work for some, so if that's what a particular BW wants, go for it.

 

[HauteHippie]

Just want to point out that there are other races of men other than White men. Hispanic men, Arab men, Asian men, any man who isn't from America but lives here now. They're all in the dating pool! Or pond.

I think I read somewhere (on this forum, of course) that statistically when Black women date out and marry, it's more often to a Hispanic man. I went out recently with one of my good friends and there were 6 or 7 Black women in the restaurant. Only 1 was with a Black man. The others men appeared to be White, Arab and Hispanic. As we left, I pointed it out to my friend (glass exterior where we counted) and we discussed it. I was... kinda... sorta... I don't know. But they could've just been friends like me and my friends are.

Sent from my T-Mobile G2 using T-Mobile G2

 

[vtoodler]

Just want to point out that there are other races of men other than White men. Hispanic men, Arab men, Asian men, any man who isn't from America but lives here now. They're all in the dating pool! Or pond.

I think I read somewhere (on this forum, of course) that statistically when Black women date out and marry, it's more often to a Hispanic man. I went out recently with one of my good friends and there were 6 or 7 Black women in the restaurant. Only 1 was with a Black man. The others men appeared to be White, Arab and Hispanic. As we left, I pointed it out to my friend (glass exterior where we counted) and we discussed it. I was... kinda... sorta... I don't know. But they could've just been friends like me and my friends are.

Sent from my T-Mobile G2 using T-Mobile G2

Good point, EtherealEnigma.

 

[lushcoils]

I can see how dating out would be a solution for some black women, but I just can't see this solving the problem with marriage and long-term commitment in the black community as a whole. We keep talking about it being a numbers game, can we talk about that a little more? People are speaking as if the white population has a 2:1 male to female ratio with some huge excess of marriageable men who wouldn't otherwise have partners. First, you find a quality white man. Second, from that group you have to find the percentage that is open to IRR with black women. And not only open to it, but actually ending up with black women since, assuming they don't have anything against white women, just by their likely environment, those men are likely to end up with one of the white women around them. Numbers-wise, unless WM start rejecting WW en masse, I don't see how white men as a group can absorb the whole, or even the majority, of black women who want to get married but don't/can't/won't marry a black man.

But hey, it'll work for some, so if that's what a particular BW wants, go for it.

Exactly the point I was trying to make, but including all non-bm, not just wm. Many on here attract non-bm easily/daily, so I guess they assume it will be easy for the average bw as well.

 

[greight]

I can see how dating out would be a solution for some black women, but I just can't see this solving the problem with marriage and long-term commitment in the black community as a whole.

We keep talking about it being a numbers game, can we talk about that a little more? People are speaking as if the white population has a 2:1 male to female ratio with some huge excess of marriageable men who wouldn't otherwise have partners.

First, you find a quality white man. Second, from that group you have to find the percentage that is open to IRR with black women. And not only open to it, but actually ending up with black women since, assuming they don't have anything against white women, just by their likely environment, those men are likely to end up with one of the white women around them.

Numbers-wise, unless WM start rejecting WW en masse, I don't see how white men as a group can absorb the whole, or even the majority, of black women who want to get married but don't/can't/won't marry a black man.

But hey, it'll work for some, so if that's what a particular BW wants, go for it.

In order to build up marriage in the black community, you need to start off with an equal amount of eligible BM and BW. The problem is that there is not an equal amount of eligible BM and BW to pair off. A debatable points is eligibility (that may be personal criteria; what you want, I may not desire). Now, if we tackle on the problems that take BM out of the eligibility pool, then we might gain some traction. However, as the community handles these issues, what about the BW who are single and looking?

Yes, if she wants to marry a BM, I'm sure she can. But if we assume that dating as many quality people as possible will bring you greater chances of marriage/family, then solely focusing on dating BM alone might be an issue. Keyword is might. It may not be for some, but it may be for others.

In regards to the bolded, dating is dating. There are no guarantees with the BM we date; the same with WM. I feel like we're assuming WM won't date us and BM only can/will.

That kind of leads to my 2nd point: the bottom line is that BW do NOT date IR at a greater rate than any other group out there (BM, WM, WW, AW) with the probable exception of Asian Men. If black women limit their dating pool to only BM, then that might severely hamper them in terms of finding a suitable mate. My next problem is why are we not dating outside of the race? Is it really because all non-black men reject us? I don't think that is the case.

If a man is not in a relationship with a woman, then that makes him an eligible bachelor in the dating pool. As a result, we can't assume the WM will marry a WW (the next biggest group in terms of pairing with WM is AW) or that men of other races wouldn't date/marry us.

I personally think that many BW make the choice of wanting to date or marrying BM and have been socialized to do so. I do not think it's because we're that unappealing that no man of any other race would consider dating us.

Most of the WM in my experience tend to assume, without fail, that I or my friends were not interested in dating WM and thought we'd only be with BM. Once you are around WM socially (not just as classmates or co-workers) and demonstrate interest (just like you would do for any other man), then he may ask you out. It's simple.

In my experience, people within the 18 - 34 demographic see IR dating as common. It does not lead to the same stigma. I feel like we're trying to prove/disprove that there are men out there interested in us when we don't even know it yet. You'll have WM who are straight douches or even racists and BM who are ***holes or kangs. That doesn't necessarily mean that I can't move on to the next dude and have a different result!

 

[greight]

Exactly the point I was trying to make, but including all non-bm, not just wm. Many on here attract non-bm easily/daily, so I guess they assume it will be easy for the average bw as well.

How can we know whether or not someone is open to IRR until we interact/date them to find out?

I also think that attraction is attraction. I'm thin so BM tended to comment on how I needed to add more weight while WM simply loved my body. I'm dating a BM now who likes my body, so I can't say all BM dislike thin women.

Ok, to turn the conversation in another direction in this thread, why do we think that BW don't date outside of the race to the same degree as other groups? Meaning, is it because there is something about us that turns men off so that they aren't attracted to us (which I fervently disagree with ) OR because we simply don't choose to date them?

While men do ask women out, they won't ask if they fear rejection.

 

[StarScream35]

How can we know whether or not someone is open to IRR until we interact/date them to find out?

I also think that attraction is attraction. I'm thin so BM tended to comment on how I needed to add more weight while WM simply loved my body. I'm dating a BM now who likes my body, so I can't say all BM dislike thin women.

Ok, to turn the conversation in another direction in this thread, why do we think that BW don't date outside of the race to the same degree as other groups? Meaning, is it because there is something about us that turns men off so that they aren't attracted to us (which I fervently disagree with ) OR because we simply don't choose to date them?

While men do ask women out, they won't ask if they fear rejection.

Good question, I have explored this topic with men of all races............whites, Asians, hispanics and got some interesting responses. But first I'd like to see other women's opinions.

 

[lushcoils]

How can we know whether or not someone is open to IRR until we interact/date them to find out?

Well, why are we assuming that bw aren't open to IRR (as a general group) and wm/non-bm (as a general group) are open to IRR including BW? We have to interact/date them to find out.


Anyway, I think one of the issues other than the obvious silly ones (small [pink] peen, dating the masta, can't dance, black love is the best, what will people [bm] say?...) is that BW probably don't think they are interested.

 

[vtoodler]

Well, why are we assuming that bw aren't open to IRR (as a general group) and wm/non-bm (as a general group) are open to IRR including BW? We have to interact/date them to find out.


Anyway, I think one of the issues other than the obvious silly ones (small [pink] peen, dating the masta, can't dance, black love is the best, what will people [bm] say?...) is that BW probably don't think they are interested.

Another issue is that WM may not think that BW are interested in them, so they don't even approach them.

I wonder what could be done to break the ice?

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Another issue is that WM may not think that BW are interested in them, so they don't even approach them.

I wonder what could be done to break the ice?

Perhaps more movies/TV shows featuring interracial relationships between WM & BW??

I notice that a LOT of Hollywood films feature hot commodity black male actors opposite a white/hispanic/indian/ambiguous race type of woman as a romantic lead. Maybe that has been an "ice breaker" for BM/WW realationships?


I just have a question though.... If BW are supposedly still single because we're doing so WELL financially and BM aren't coming up to OUR level.....how comes it is (yes..I said "comes" lol ) BM can STILL end up w/WW?? Aren't they on the same level financially and career-wise as BW?? If not sometimes even MORE so?? Why are they still able to pull in BM? Are the BM coming UP to their "level" when they want to date a WW?? OR....are the WW just not even caring if a BM is making LESS than they are?

I'm just wondering.....don't shoot me!

 

[StarScream35]

Perhaps more movies/TV shows featuring interracial relationships between WM & BW??

I notice that a LOT of Hollywood films feature hot commodity black male actors opposite a white/hispanic/indian/ambiguous race type of woman as a romantic lead. Maybe that has been an "ice breaker" for BM/WW realationships?


I just have a question though.... If BW are supposedly still single because we're doing so WELL financially and BM aren't coming up to OUR level.....how comes it is (yes..I said "comes" lol ) BM can STILL end up w/WW?? Aren't they on the same level financially and career-wise as BW?? If not sometimes even MORE so?? Why are they still able to pull in BM? Are the BM coming UP to their "level" when they want to date a WW?? OR....are the WW just not even caring if a BM is making LESS than they are?

I'm just wondering.....don't shoot me!

Crystalicequeen123

Excellent bolded question. My mom has long argued that black men step up when they want WW. She will defend this to the tooth. I will say kangs seem to go with the trailer trash type white woman but the decent black men get with decent white women or decent Asian women so I don't know. Sometimes I do wonder if SOME decent black men think they are too good for black woman though.

 

[LadyPaniolo]

Ms Kain, it's good to see somebody feels me around here. Sometimes I think I'm talking to myself or nobody can really understand what I'm getting at!

From my (extensive) experience with IRR, men of other races ARE interested, but they assume that BW are not interested in them. Now, there are definitely some guys of every race who have drunk the Koolaid and think BW are not attractive... which shouldn't be a surprise considering the hundreds of years of propaganda directed at persuading WM to stay away from us and share their $$$ with WW instead. However, men ARE MEN. Women have what they want, by and large.

I will never forget being so surprised that a Korean guy could appreciate and understand my very curvy frame (and not interpret it as just being fat) but he looked at me like I had 3 heads and was like "I like curves!!!" I had thought he would prefer a bony frame because that's what Korean women tend to have... but lots of men like to vive la difference!

I really hope more BW get it

 

[Poohbear]

OK, I just have to address the marrige=/= dating argument, aka "he won't take you home to mama" that so many BW believe about dating out.

Let's take a look at the facts. Dating a BM very rarely leads to marriage for any women, but ESP for BW. What dating a BM leads to ends up being shacking up and OOW childbearing and often a whole host of other problems that I won't get into here and now.

A BW dating a nonBM may not marry him, but she has a much greater likelihood of getting married to a nonBM who she is dating versus marrying a BM. She also has a lower risk of OOW childbearing and other life-damaging circumstances.

The whole "but he won't marry you" argument is really null since BM aren't marrying BW!!! I know people got schooled on granny's lap that other men won't marry them, but it's NOT TRUE anymore. Look at this board, half the married women at least are married to nonBM. Your odds of getting married skyrocket when you date out.

It's also a fact that there ARE BM who are marrying BW still. Don't let the media and all these interracial support articles fool you.

I've had several of my black cousins that are around my age (25-30) who have gotten married to black spouses over the past few years. Just this August, my 25 year old Black cousin got married to her 27 year old Black man! They have no children and never shacked up.

And let's take a look at these facts as well... there are SEVERAL WM shacking up and having OOW children with WW as well along with life-damaging circumstances such as drugs, alcohol, domestic violence, etc. So don't get it twisted. It's not just BM/BW.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Crystalicequeen123

Excellent bolded question. My mom has long argued that black men step up when they want WW. She will defend this to the tooth. I will say kangs seem to go with the trailer trash type white woman but the decent black men get with decent white women or decent Asian women so I don't know. Sometimes I do wonder if SOME decent black men think they are too good for black woman though.

Brighteyes35...
Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if this is indeed the case. Smh....
That's such a shame. I just don't see how it all adds up. Either they are willing to elevate themselves (or at least appear to be "elevated") when they want to date a WW, OR perhaps the WW just don't really care what the BM "status" is.

Either way...something isn't adding up...

I think too, that sometimes BM who are making a LOT of money and who are already in the UE group tend to have more opportunities to date WW and women of other races simply because they are probably around their social circles more now that they are making loads of money. Think ballers, rappers, actors, CEO's, lawyers, doctors, etc. But I think when BW start making more money, we (in general) don't tend to think that "all guys are fair game"....even if (EVEN IF!) we end up being in the social circles of WM and men of other races. We usually tend to still prefer black men, or hope that a BM who is on our level or higher is available and willing to date us. Meanwhile, BM seem to prefer WW or women of other races when they reach that "level". Not ALL of course....but it's just a "trend" that I see. And unfortunately, when a BM reaches that UE level, not only is he widening his options to women of other races, but BW the whole world over are clamoring trying to get at him because he's so "different" from the "norm" lol. He's not a "kang", and so he becomes a HOT commodity. Which in turn just pumps his head even MORE...and so he ends up trying to reach the "trophy"....that being a WW.

For me personally, I have no qualms if a BM wants to go and date WW or women of other races once he feels like he has "made it". But ummm.......I don't want my fellow BW sitting by the sidelines feeling like we can't join in the "fun" of IR dating either! No way....hey monkey see monkey do right?

Why be waiting and waiting for a BM to come around and notice us, when there may be plenty of guys of other races, cultures, etc. who will WANT us?? I just think that some of us BW are scared and don't think men of other races would even be interested in us.

I know one thing.....even if you're a little leary about dating WM due to skin tone or whatever the reason may be, then hey...why not African men? I know a plethora of African Men who would LOVE to date AA women!

 

[StarScream35]

Crystalicequeen123

Girlfriend, now you got me thinking. Why do we as black women put up with the poor behavior of black men to begin with? We can all agree that a woman who stays in an abusive (mental or physical) relationship with a man, clearly has self esteem issues so I'm wondering, is this an issue with black women? Is there a collective self esteem problem? And it's not just ghetto women who put up with this, I know some educated smart sistas taking mess from men. I'm scratching my head and highly confused???? Anyway, I'm all about interracial dating, I love it and recommend it. I do however, let sistas know, it ain't easy so you have to work extra hard to prove that you are a "different" black woman. My last boyfriend was a fullblood Native American and distance is what broke us up. I was willing to do a longterm relationship but he was not. We are still good friends though. If he asked me to marry him tomorrow, I would!!!

 

[Flawless_JYM]

^ I don't know you so don't take it personally but you sure come off like one of these black women that take the same amount or more stuff from men of different races. I hope thats not the case and it just looks like it in the thread. I'm also intrigued when people regardless of race/gender would prefer dating someone different than them if there is the equivalent of the same race as general you. How do y'all come to that determination? Not judging just curious cause I would choose my own if everything was equal or close enough where it wasn't a big difference.

 

[Crystalicequeen123]

Crystalicequeen123

Girlfriend, now you got me thinking. Why do we as black women put up with the poor behavior of black men to begin with? We can all agree that a woman who stays in an abusive (mental or physical) relationship with a man, clearly has self esteem issues so I'm wondering, is this an issue with black women? Is there a collective self esteem problem? And it's not just ghetto women who put up with this, I know some educated smart sistas taking mess from men. I'm scratching my head and highly confused???? Anyway, I'm all about interracial dating, I love it and recommend it. I do however, let sistas know, it ain't easy so you have to work extra hard to prove that you are a "different" black woman. My last boyfriend was a fullblood Native American and distance is what broke us up. I was willing to do a longterm relationship but he was not. We are still good friends though. If he asked me to marry him tomorrow, I would!!!

My moto has always been: At least GIVE a guy a chance if he is decent, into you, and treating you well. Don't worry about race, class, skin tone, culture, etc. You might be pleasantly surprised!

On the other hand though, I can understand if some women are a little skeptical/afraid/leary/disinterested in dating outside of their race. Afterall, dating IR is probably not for everyone. You DO have different issues to deal with.

Having dated outside of my race before however, I WILL say that he was definitely very attentive and went out of his way more than any other guy I've ever dated to "prove" to me that he was interested. He wasn't afraid to tell me sweet things, or send me roses at work, or just SHOW me by keeping in touch that he was very into me. I guess the fact that we had been friends for years helped too. I don't think he would have ever made his interest known however had another friend been interested in him.

So...idk...I would at least TRY it out a couple of times, and if you don't like it...THEN don't do it again!

 

[aviddiva77]

Could BW dating IR also force BM to start evaluating why BW are starting to date other races? Then could lead them (BM) to "getting their act together?" (this was brought up in thegrio.com interview)

Frankly I've been through the whole "don't date outside your race cuz they don't understand/your a traitor/keep the black family black etc." And I believed it for a hot minute too until I realized I was passing up good men while waiting on the sidelines for a BM (who lived up to my expectations of what I deem a good mate) to scoop me up.

Now I am not saying that there isn't a BM who does live up to my expectations, I'm just saying that I shouldn't have to wait around (letting my eggs dry up LOL) when there are other men who do fit my expectations ready to get with me NOW.

IAH we are giving BM WAY TOO MUCH power in dictating when and who we can date and procreate with. We put the "good ones" on a pedestal and in turn realizes he has a lot of options. Well pimpin' I see I have a lot of options too so PEACE! (Hope all this is making sense)