Is Marriage for White People? by Ralph Richard Banks

[greight]

Do not believe the ridiculous notion that black men do not want black women. Date good men. Date good men of any race if it is what you want but do not let others brainwash you into thinking that most black men do not want black women. This is a lie.

He's not arguing that, though. He really is NOT saying black men do not want black women . This is not talking about "why do black men like white women." That's not the point.

He's saying that based off of the numbers and the socialization of BW since the civil rights movement, BW should consider dating interracially.

He talks about the decline of marriage generally, the decline of black marriages specifically, talks about the disparities between BW and BM in terms of education/income/etc.

 

[vtoodler]

Do not believe the ridiculous notion that black men do not want black women. Date good men. Date good men of any race if it is what you want but do not let others brainwash you into thinking that most black men do not want black women. This is a lie.

Where did that come from? No one said that most black men don't want black women.

What Banks says is that black women should exercise their options, just as black men have done.

 

[Raine054]

He's not arguing that, though. He really is NOT saying black men do not want black women . This is not talking about "why do black men like white women." That's not the point.

He's saying that based off of the numbers and the socialization of BW since the civil rights movement, BW should consider dating interracially.

He talks about the decline of marriage generally, the decline of black marriages specifically, talks about the disparities between BW and BM in terms of education/income/etc.

@nagawa vtoodler I watched the video. My response was a general one and not directly arguing with anything the author discussed. I have no problem with BW dating inter-racially.

 

[greight]

@nagawa vtoodler I watched the video. My response was a general one and not directly arguing with anything the author discussed. I have no problem with BW dating inter-racially.

No prob, but I saw that and thought immediately you were referring to the premise of the book.

I personally think that out of all the BS articles that have been printed, he's pretty much on point in terms of laying out the argument and not demonizing BW or BM.

Slightly OT, but I'm getting more interested in the socialization of BW since the civil rights movement since he briefly touched on it. Not really in terms of dating, but in the family and expectations of what it means to be a BW in America.

 

[Raine054]

No prob, but I saw that and thought immediately you were referring to the premise of the book.

I personally think that out of all the BS articles that have been printed, he's pretty much on point in terms of laying out the argument and not demonizing BW or BM.

Slightly OT, but I'm getting more interested in the socialization of BW since the civil rights movement since he briefly touched on it. Not really in terms of dating, but in the family and expectations of what it means to be a BW in America.

nagawa I'm glad I was able to clarify. It is sad that sometimes these discussions are used as an opportunity to bash black men.

 

[StarScream35]

I've had this discussion several times with other sistas and most agree, marriage seems like a forgotten institution in the black community. Though I don't know what the exact stats were, studies showed that back in the, probably civil rights era, more than 80% of black children were raised by both parents. In the 90's that number had plummeted to 50% and now I think it's at 10% or 20% percent of black children being raised by both parents. Where did we go wrong beats the heck out of me. But I've had the theory that desegregation had something to do with it. Now before you holla hear me out. I think segregation forced us to build our communities, build our families, cling on to traditions and so forth. I think when desegregation occurred, blacks were so focused on assimilating into white society that many forgot their roots, their tradition and their families. This is one of the reasons why other minorities such as Asians and East Indians thrive in America...............they don't give up their traditions and values, in other words assimilation is at the very bottom of their list. Sure they succeed in education and so forth but they aren't compromising their values, traditions and so forth.

I totally agree with the author when he says marrying down doesn't do anything but cause problems. I got into a heated discussion with some brothas regarding this. They insisted that black women should stop trying to marry up and marry down. I insisted that black men really needed to step up their game and meet the challenge like other races of men do for their women. I told them black women were no different from any other race of women. We want successful men. It's biological and when biology is corrupted be prepared for some serious issues. We ended up arguing until I asked them had they ever met a successful black who married down to a woman who had a mediocre education? That shut them up right there. It's like they want us to settle but they would never settle. Sometimes I feel like black men try to talk black women into settling because it keeps them, as men, from having to strive for better. Many just want to be underacheivers and nothing more. There is a culture of laziness among black men and it's truly sad.

Now the whole date out or marry out thing always has me scratching my head cause sometimes I think people make these statements without really taking things into consideration like geographic area, gender specific racism and whether or not they approve of black women. So you have thousands of black women who will date white or Asian men but do these men feel the same about black women? Most likely not. Also keep in mind dating and marriage are two different things. I've dated Asian men who said they would date black women but not marry them. WHAT! So I'm good enough to sleep with but not good enough to be your wife!!

The topic is interesting but very complex!

 

[Almaz]

Boy I am just glad that I am not a Black American man Damn they are such a small population in the world but yet get blamed for a lot of Shyte.

So this is a 2 fold problem. Who are the people that are raising these folks

Black women right. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Complex

 

[StarScream35]

Boy I am just glad that I am not a Black American man Damn they are such a small population in the world but yet get blamed for a lot of Shyte.

So this is a 2 fold problem. Who are the people that are raising these folks

Black women right. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Complex

I have been saying for a long time now that mothers are completely destroying their sons. I will stand by my belief that a woman cannot raise a man. Only men can raise men.

 

[StarScream35]

Ooooh, do tell me more!

Personally, that would weaken his argument. But then again, I wonder how he positions WM since they are a sizable majority in the country versus men of other races and backgrounds.

When you say that non-black men are more willing to date BW, what research did he do?

I also think that Banks probably wrote it because he was primarily interested in family law and race law. Here is his bio from Stanford.



So it seems to intersect directly into the black family. But it'd be interesting to hear why he wrote the book because to be honest, it seems weird getting this type of stuff from a BM raising black sons.

It may seem weird but I'm sure he's heard all the grievances from black women as to why they can't find men. In books, On the radio, In forums etc. Kinda hard to ignore so I'm sure he felt writing a book would help answer some questions. I have two brothers and both have told me to date out but it's not that easy unfortunately.

 

[lushcoils]

I have been saying for a long time now that mothers are completely destroying their sons. I will stand by my belief that a woman cannot raise a man. Only men can raise men.

Not trying to derail the thread, but aren't the black men destroying their sons by refusing to raise them? BW can't stop this cycle on their own.

 

[Almaz]

This is why one has to be very careful or who they procreate with.

Not trying to derail the thread, but aren't the black men destroying their sons by refusing to raise them? BW can't stop this cycle on their own.

 

[StarScream35]

Not trying to derail the thread, but aren't the black men destroying their sons by refusing to raise them? BW can't stop this cycle on their own.

If black women know black men are sorry as shiz why then continue with the deadly cycle of having babies by these losers? I see it all the time. We know black men are destructive but we are contributing to the situation full force.

 

[Katherina]

Not trying to derail the thread, but aren't the black men destroying their sons by refusing to raise them? BW can't stop this cycle on their own.

If this is the case, can't u also say that the BW are destroying the BC by procreating with BM who aren't capable fathers?

BW can stop the cycle on their own BW are the ones with a uterus.

 

[Dellas]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RmrB8c4QwUU

WOw? Interracial dating ...black women role...black men don't feel the same way. Cohesion of black women to stay in her role. Wow!!


Controlling black women to keep black women limited!
I have felt this but I never heard someone say this.

Black men have much more power. Power not to have a committed relationship.

Women are the deal takers and Men are the deal makers!

Wow, I am glad I saw this clip. He has said what I have heard all my life. Everyone, including black women, should have the freedom to choose. The responsibility of having a good black family should not be put on the shoulders of black women. We are humans, we are not a mule.

 

[lushcoils]

Are all single bw mothers single because they procreated with an obvious Kang they knew about from the start? What % of single bw mothers procreated with a seemingly good guy that changed once kids came into the picture? Anyone have stats on this?

 

[StarScream35]

Are all single bw mothers single because they procreated with an obvious Kang they knew about from the start? What % of single bw mothers procreated with a seemingly good guy that changed once kids came into the picture? Anyone have stats on this?

I don't have stats but I can sho-nuff tell you about the hundreds and hundreds of black women I personally have met who had babies by some Kang. You can't tell me there weren't signs from the start. There are those handful of single black mothers I have met that got with men who started off as gentlemen and ended up as busters. One woman left her husband cause the military or rather the war caused him to have post traumatic stress that she could not stand to be in the relationship any longer cause he was becoming more and more frightening. But all these other cases of having kids by men who won't work, selling drugs, he was good in bed, he looked good, I just needed a man, I just wanted a child, he acted right sometimes.............I mean really!!!! One of my sista girls knows a guy who has 12 kids by 12 different women and they all knew about each other. When I meet a man who has as little as 3 kids by 3 different women umm red flags go up and I usually keep it moving. That tells me you got committment issues. So you tell me what the heck was wrong with all these 12 women???

 

[Katherina]

Are all single bw mothers single because they procreated with an obvious Kang they knew about from the start? What % of single bw mothers procreated with a seemingly good guy that changed once kids came into the picture? Anyone have stats on this?

No, the bold is extreme.

Something isn't working, so my opinion is that if you can't tell whether or not a man is going to be a good father, you should stop procreating until you can develop or improve your discernment (and preferably until after marriage as well).

I hope this doesn't head into "you're blaming the woman!" territory (when I'm simply offering what I think is the most feasible solution) and "you're baby momma shaming!" territory (when most agree that married, two parent homes are ideal). (not necessarily by you, lushcoils)

 

[vtoodler]

I know this is off-topic, but I'm going to say it anyway.

Do any of you use Norton Anti-virus? If so, do you know that the person who created it, Peter Norton, is married to a black woman? His ex-wife was black as well.

NBC journalist, Stone Phillips, is also married to a black woman.

 

[chrisanddonniesmommy]

I know this is off-topic, but I'm going to say it anyway.

Do any of you use Norton Anti-virus? If so, do you know that the person who created it, Peter Norton, is married to a black woman? His ex-wife was black as well. NBC journalist, Stone Phillips, is also married to a black woman.

Did Stone Phillips married her before or after Grandma Klump's shout-out in The Nutty Professor?

 

[Almaz]

^^ Baruch Hashem that they all know about each other cause if they all lived in the same area some of those kids my start dating each other I have seen in happen in some areas where men had lots of children by lots of different women.

Scary thought but I agree with you

If you knew he was not so great from the get go why bother the signs of Kangish behaviours is there. You don't have to have a degree or be a Kangologist to know this sometimes its just plain old common sense but there are some women who are like half a man is better than no man at all.

OR Well he is with men and he will change I will make a better man out of him NOPE NOPE never works.

They change if they want too.

One of the ladies at work keeps praying on it and believing that her man is going to change and do better.

UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Last week she found out he had ANOTHER child on the way. This is the 3rd one but she still keep believing and praying Shieeeoooddd I would have bounced after I found out about the first one he had with an outside woman

But she went ahead and got pregnant anyway. She is due any day and so is the other chick so thats 4 children he has with 4 different women. They have been together 5 years but the kids are 3 2 on now these 2 REALLY CHILD REALLY.

 

[gabulldawg]

If black women know black men are sorry as shiz why then continue with the deadly cycle of having babies by these losers? I see it all the time. We know black men are destructive but we are contributing to the situation full force.

Really? erplexed I'm sorry, but this is pure foolishness. What's the deal with some of you? Comments like these really make me I honestly hope there are white people that frequent this board based on some stuff I have read lately. erplexed

I didn't watch the videos, but based on the title I would say that marriage is not just for white people. I swear I must continue to live in some type of parallel universe where I experience the opposite of everyone else. So weird. I know plenty of black couples that have been married and have stayed married. Of course some marriages (not many) have ended in divorce, but the same could be said for white marriages.

 

[ScorpioBeauty09]

Boy I am just glad that I am not a Black American man Damn they are such a small population in the world but yet get blamed for a lot of Shyte.

So this is a 2 fold problem. Who are the people that are raising these folks

Black women right. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Complex

It takes a man to raise a man and a woman to raise a woman, but what happens when the man is not around? Black fathers need to step up and take responsibility. Even Steve Harvey (who I despise) says that BM have done a huge disservice to young BM by not being active fathers.

 

[vtoodler]

Really? erplexed I'm sorry, but this is pure foolishness. What's the deal with some of you? Comments like these really make me I honestly hope there are white people that frequent this board based on some stuff I have read lately. erplexed

I didn't watch the videos, but based on the title I would say that marriage is not just for white people. I swear I must continue to live in some type of parallel universe where I experience the opposite of everyone else. So weird. I know plenty of black couples that have been married and have stayed married. Of course some marriages (not many) have ended in divorce, but the same could be said for white marriages.

I don't judge a book by its title.

Professor Banks never said that black couples couldn't be happily married. Instead, he says that single black women should expand their horizons. There are tons of men out there, and black women shouldn't limit themselves.

 

[Katherina]

Really? erplexed I'm sorry, but this is pure foolishness. What's the deal with some of you? Comments like these really make me I honestly hope there are white people that frequent this board based on some stuff I have read lately. erplexed

I didn't watch the videos, but based on the title I would say that marriage is not just for white people. I swear I must continue to live in some type of parallel universe where I experience the opposite of everyone else. So weird. I know plenty of black couples that have been married and have stayed married. Of course some marriages (not many) have ended in divorce, but the same could be said for white marriages.

Do you believe that there isn't a problem in the BC with absent fathers and low marriage rates compared to OOW births?

 

[Love Always]

Thanks for being real about, when some people say marry out they act as if it's an easy thing to do. For the most part people will marry their own.

Now the whole date out or marry out thing always has me scratching my head cause sometimes I think people make these statements without really taking things into consideration like geographic area, gender specific racism and whether or not they approve of black women. So you have thousands of black women who will date white or Asian men but do these men feel the same about black women? Most likely not. Also keep in mind dating and marriage are two different things. I've dated Asian men who said they would date black women but not marry them. WHAT! So I'm good enough to sleep with but not good enough to be your wife!!

 

[hair_rehab]

I don't have stats but I can sho-nuff tell you about the hundreds and hundreds of black women I personally have met who had babies by some Kang. You can't tell me there weren't signs from the start. There are those handful of single black mothers I have met that got with men who started off as gentlemen and ended up as busters. One woman left her husband cause the military or rather the war caused him to have post traumatic stress that she could not stand to be in the relationship any longer cause he was becoming more and more frightening. But all these other cases of having kids by men who won't work, selling drugs, he was good in bed, he looked good, I just needed a man, I just wanted a child, he acted right sometimes.............I mean really!!!! One of my sista girls knows a guy who has 12 kids by 12 different women and they all knew about each other. When I meet a man who has as little as 3 kids by 3 different women umm red flags go up and I usually keep it moving. That tells me you got committment issues. So you tell me what the heck was wrong with all these 12 women???

ITA. A lot of the single women I know also started having babies when they were practically kids themselves and had no business having sex in the first place.

 

[vtoodler]

One way to meet potential suitors of all ethnicities is to get to know them platonically.

Join professional organizations, volunteer, get involved in your church, travel, and just get out the house. If you do that, you will meet men of all backgrounds while bettering yourself and/or your community.

 

[StarScream35]

Really? erplexed I'm sorry, but this is pure foolishness. What's the deal with some of you? Comments like these really make me I honestly hope there are white people that frequent this board based on some stuff I have read lately. erplexed

I didn't watch the videos, but based on the title I would say that marriage is not just for white people. I swear I must continue to live in some type of parallel universe where I experience the opposite of everyone else. So weird. I know plenty of black couples that have been married and have stayed married. Of course some marriages (not many) have ended in divorce, but the same could be said for white marriages.

How is it foolishness? Come on girlfriend, you and I both know there are plenty of women contributing to this endless cycle of destruction by giving it up to bustas and having kids by these bustas. Women are a lot more powerful than they think. I hate to get all religious but once I was listening to this evangelist named Kay Arthur and she broke it down like this...........if women quit giving it up, then men would step up cause not stepping up takes them out of the mating game and men love to mate. As long as women give up our goods without demanding them to be REAL MEN then they will continue to behave like boys.

 

[greight]

It may seem weird but I'm sure he's heard all the grievances from black women as to why they can't find men. In books, On the radio, In forums etc. Kinda hard to ignore so I'm sure he felt writing a book would help answer some questions. I have two brothers and both have told me to date out but it's not that easy unfortunately.

Brighteyes35That actually wasn't his reasoning at all. In the video that I mentioned, he actually reflected on when his mother had passed on when he was 9 and how his dad raised him with the help of his much older sisters. But because they were older (and in college), they were out of the house and there were a lot of things that he simply had to do on his own without his mother's help (his dad loved him but just didn't know how to be a mother).

For him, having a family with a mother and a father is important since he didn't grow up with one. It had impacted him dramatically. I could see him wonder why there aren't that many black families/marriages simply because he yearned to have the Cosby situation for himself. He was REALLY choked up. He remembers his mother, too and how much she loved him.

It's a 30 minute long video, but I really think that I'm going to be a big fan of his.

 

[vtoodler]

He seems like a really nice man. It's so unfortunate that he's getting so much criticism right now.