Then they get mad when I love the Naija boys. They don't have these issues bruh. The ones I know are all from relatively middle class and they think white is right. I just roll my eyes.
'marrying Down' Costs Educated Women $25k A Year
- Thread starter BK Bombshell
- Start date
Then they get mad when I love the Naija boys. They don't have these issues bruh. The ones I know are all from relatively middle class and they think white is right. I just roll my eyes.
UmSumayyah
Well-Known Member
I wonder what makes Kenyans different from Nigerians in this aspect? Or rather, the causes of the difference.
I think it is how we view whiteness partly due to colonialism. White is right here and being as close to white is what got you services like education during the colonial era.
naturalgyrl5199
Well-Known Member
My grandfather who put his 8 of 9 kids through college worked his own business while my granny stayed home. She worked a few years at the hospital but she has probably worked all of 5 years in her entire 78 years of living. She was a SAHM for real. Maybe its a southern thing? IDK. Pretty common. Hard to work when you STAY PREGNANT. Even though grandma had 9 kids I'm pretty sure there were about 4-5 lost pregnancies in between. Her and her neighbor and best friend were said to both be pregnant at the same time for several babies and we knew for a fact neighbor had 16 pregnancies total. Grandad never worked for the man-always himself on a 2nd grade education and again, sent 8 of 9 to college, mostly HBCUs
MsSanz92
Well-Known Member
To add to the point of why BW/WM marriages tend to be more successful than intraracial marriages for both Black and White people, and BM/WW marriages on average, I think SES plays into this a lot. BW/WM marriages tend to be with people of higher incomes/more education. Not only do BW/WM have lower divorce rates, BW with any group of non-Black men tend to have lower divorce rates, while White women married to both White and any group of non-White men tend to have a higher than average divorce rates. I guess Black women make better wives than White women (which isn't surprising), or maybe Black women tend to choose better quality non-Black men to marry. I've seen many MOC chase after and marry White women thinking it'll be smooth sailing. Many of these men chose White women because of their own self-hatred/indoctrinated beliefs that White women are trophies and give them more status than WOC, which is not necessarily true. If anything, it can hurt these men, because the last thing most White men want to see is one of their women married to a Jamal, José, Ahmed, or Jin.
I won't lie, this thread has caused me some anxiety, and has made me hyperanalyze the interactions I have with men. As far as the point made about feeling that sense of anxiety when dating Black men vs. non-Black men, I agree I've felt it before and know exactly what y'all are talking about. The only non-Black men I've dated have been Latino men (several who were Afro-Latino and/or have Black ancestry/people in their family), so to me that barely counts as interracial. In these relationships though, I do think I was more relaxed/calm compared to my relationships with Black men. It's a weird dynamic and it's very hard to explain. Even with those challenges, there will always be a certain sense of familiarity with Black men for me that manifests in just having an unspoken natural understanding of things amongst each other that I don't think can truly ever exist for me when dating a non-Black man. It really is a Catch 22 in some regards.
To be honest, I don't really have an interest of dating White men. The furthest I will probably venture out when it comes to interracial dating is certain kinds of NBMOC (Latino, Native American, Pacific Islander, Arab/Middle Eastern/North African). I think that's where a lot of Black women trip up when it comes to interracial dating; they think that interracial dating is only limited to dating White men. To be honest, I think Black women might have better luck including NBMOC in their dating pool. Don't get me wrong, like someone said earlier, dating NBMOC will come with its own set of challenges to get them to be "woke" like it will when dating White men, but in my experience, they seem to be more receptive to understanding and having empathy for the Black experience compare to White people. I've dated several NBMOC where we've joked about and bonded over our distrust of White people. However, I don't advise Black women to exclude Black men from their dating pool completely, but adding some diversity won't hurt.
I won't lie, this thread has caused me some anxiety, and has made me hyperanalyze the interactions I have with men. As far as the point made about feeling that sense of anxiety when dating Black men vs. non-Black men, I agree I've felt it before and know exactly what y'all are talking about. The only non-Black men I've dated have been Latino men (several who were Afro-Latino and/or have Black ancestry/people in their family), so to me that barely counts as interracial. In these relationships though, I do think I was more relaxed/calm compared to my relationships with Black men. It's a weird dynamic and it's very hard to explain. Even with those challenges, there will always be a certain sense of familiarity with Black men for me that manifests in just having an unspoken natural understanding of things amongst each other that I don't think can truly ever exist for me when dating a non-Black man. It really is a Catch 22 in some regards.
To be honest, I don't really have an interest of dating White men. The furthest I will probably venture out when it comes to interracial dating is certain kinds of NBMOC (Latino, Native American, Pacific Islander, Arab/Middle Eastern/North African). I think that's where a lot of Black women trip up when it comes to interracial dating; they think that interracial dating is only limited to dating White men. To be honest, I think Black women might have better luck including NBMOC in their dating pool. Don't get me wrong, like someone said earlier, dating NBMOC will come with its own set of challenges to get them to be "woke" like it will when dating White men, but in my experience, they seem to be more receptive to understanding and having empathy for the Black experience compare to White people. I've dated several NBMOC where we've joked about and bonded over our distrust of White people. However, I don't advise Black women to exclude Black men from their dating pool completely, but adding some diversity won't hurt.
Last edited:
There were PLENTY of grandmas, mothers, aunties, and 'em that were SAHMs/housewives for their entire lives. But are there just as many 20-30 year olds now? There are some, but not nearly as many as there were back in the day.
naturalgyrl5199
Well-Known Member
I have friends right now...with degrees who are/were SAHMs. Hubbies are not rich but the issue is the frequent pregnancies. It makes no sense to send 2-3 kids to daycare based on the cost alone. For a while they all had 2-3 under 5 years old.
Couple one are both black, They are 33 and 34. (She from NY, he from Cali). She has had 4 kids but 6 pregnancies and just entered the workforce a year ago out of sheer boredom. She has a Masters degree. Her hubby is a Professor. They are not rich but comfortable. She WANTS to work.
Couple 2 are from the Caribbean...Both under 33. She has been a SAHM for 7 years but just found a job she likes. Her baby is now 3 and even though she has no degree she was ready to turn the page cause the others are all school age. She was given the option to work or not work. He doesn't care other than her happiness. Wants more kids but she put her foot down...she is done. She has the 4 but also has been pregnant 7-8 times total.
Couple 3 are less than 30. He is black and she is white. She SHOULD work. He works 3 damn jobs. She wants more kids but I think he put his foot down. She also has 4. Continues to be a SAHM even though financially they are kinda in trouble. She does homeschool co-op. Talented photographer...refuses to make money doing it...even though several people have offered to pay her. Loves being a SAHM. See a difference.
One of my clients is .....interesting. Just had her 7th LO late last year. Had 4 children between 2014 and 2016. I'll let you figure it out.... She is a SAHW to several men. You read it right...Confusing....its like they are brother-husbands. She is like a Queen Bee in a hive of worker menz. She won't need to work ever for now. There will be several mango seasons before she even turns 30.
naturalgyrl5199
Well-Known Member
See my previous post above this one. There are more than you think. Granted not AS many...but I'm willing to bet there are a significant amount based on the sheer cost of daycare vs. 30 years ago. But birth rates overall have not dropped. If not increased. A LOT of women who even had no intention of staying home are finding themselves doing just that.
naturalgyrl5199
Well-Known Member
The bolded for sure!
No, birth rates have significantly decreased over the years.
http://www.familyfacts.org/charts/215/birth-and-fertility-rates-have-fallen-significantly-since-1960
http://www.infoplease.com/ipa/A0005067.html
naturalgyrl5199
Well-Known Member
Even still...Populstion growth has occurred. Per census data in 1960 there were 179 Million Americans. There are just under 330 Million today. Decreased birth rates doesn't negate the point about there are still lots of under 30 SAHMs in the US vs working moms. The US compared to other developed nations has more SAHMs within a year of giving birth. Maybe less than 50 yrs ago but there are LOTS around due to economics.
I would like to see some stats for the above. The increase could be due to immigration and a million other reasons other than just birthing more babies.
Regardless, what you wrote is not the point of this thread. Being a broke-arse SAHM is not the business. Being a barely-staying-afloat housewife is not where it is at. Staying home while getting "benefits"? Nah, son. Where are the TONS of black 20 - 30 year olds that are choosing to stay home while doing really well (not just "comfortable")? I know that there are some, but LOTS? More than/same as our fore-mothers?
Femmefatal1981
Well-Known Member
There are fewer mothers so it would stand to reason that there are fewer sahms. There are others factors as well but there are definitely less sahms today across all races
naturalgyrl5199
Well-Known Member
I pulled the stats from the Census website.
And you are right---its not the point. All I was saying is that there are SAHMs still and they are not going anywhere if daycare continues to increase. And even though birth rates are still lower than 50 years ago, people are still fertile AF and still having 4 under 5 years old. And shoot having BABIES. The irony is, that the lower income you are...the more kids you are likely to have (married or not)...and yeah...you are less likely to afford daycare or QUALITY day care.....More affluent working, higher earning women delay and space births more, and can afford day care.....I see it every day and I live in a college town with over 35-45% of the working adults have at least 1 degree. I am still seeing clients with 7 kids under 30 years of age. I agree its not a great choice to be educated but a SAHM mom---but economics rule. If you're entry level making less than 40K it makes no sense to have your 1/2 your income going to day care every month cause you got all them kids. For low wage earners its worse. I had 2 girls with degrees have babies and leave the workforce because the day care costs for 2 kids didn't justify working at all. Their whole check went to day care.
FelaShrine
Well-Known Member
Brwnbeauti
Well-Known Member
I want to know more about this one...
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
DarkJoy
Bent. Not Broken.
I wanna comment on this as someone who's around wp 98% of the time unfortunately.
ww are no joke. they will push and work their men practically as slaves so they don't have to work
tdgaf! they will yell and when that stops working, manipulate, and when that stops working, ignore, and so on... pick a tactic.
I know one they got a 1992 corolla barely running and live on a basement apartment. they are laye 40s. he works 6-7 days a week. they have one kid in elementary school. she still don't work. she gives him hell the minute he breathes "get a job". she even shut me down!
there was another (boomer) who was so serious had her kids eating ketchup on saltines cuz he ain't made enough. her kids Genx have still never forgiven her for letting them near starve when she could have been a secretary at the time.
i know other poor young white sahm who are the same with only 1 or 2 older kids.
as bp watching this seemingly utopic picture of white suburban sahm-ness where he obviously earns more, it's not always as it seems from the outside. they struggle to keep the wife at home even to the detriment of the family.
sha make sure aso-ebi has some kind of blue in it. I'll attend
I gotta find a man first. Lagos boys are not honest and their lifestyles are really fake. We will see what the next trip brings.
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
I agree with this. Back to states and social environments being relevant, I don't know everyone and everything but if I don't know a bunch of well to do black SAHM/Ws that's saying something. Like I said I only know one. I technically know one other but they are broke as hell and she's not well cared for.
I think it is also relevant that to look at men'should dating histories. Men with a lot of professional actively working white collar exes is not the type to have a real housewife. When I ask men about their exes, the nonblack ones are more likely to have an unemployed ex or two who stayed at home not doing a damn thing. They never care whether Im currently working or not. They just want me to be stfu, be cute and at their beck n call.
BillsBackerz67
Well-Known Member
I don't
...7 kids...X amount of men jizzing it all up Willy Nilly just to say I'm set for life with 7 kids...4 of which are under the age 4?
Bruh hell TF naw! Pass go. Do not Collect. Time Out. That's over. It's cancelled
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
But for the population we are talking about the price of daycare doesn't matter. Well to do SAHMs send their children to daycare. Every single woman I know with a regular housekeeper, who's husband makes a lot of money sends that little gremlin(s) to daycare by the time they can walk. She has exercising, socializing and traveling to do.
Brwnbeauti
Well-Known Member
It sounds like a good story.I don't
Like how? Well I know how but still
janiebaby
Well-Known Member
Was listening to a black couple talk about finances and how the wife had stellar credit and the husband had bad credit when they married.....They were talking about some of the issues they faced and it got me thinking...I wonder if he would've married a woman with poor credit like he had....I'm thinking he married up and if he didn't it's as least evident to say he didn't marry down.
thatscuteright
Well-Known Member
I am slow hon. Can you please explain this to me.
LovingLady
Well-Known Member
Your post helped me to realize that I experienced the same thing. All of the men (black) I entered into a relationship with had their own business or was in the process of starting one. I even mentioned that in another thread. The single men (black) I know who are entrepreneurial want a women that can add on to what they're doing. I don't see it as doing anything extra, I
looking for the next big move to make. It is understandable how some women can be put off by this.
LiftedUp
Well-Known Member
This could be a generational thing as well. Both my paternal and maternal grandmothers were housewives as well as my father's sisters and one sis-in-law. My father has asked my mother on numerous occasions to be a sahm. My maternal grandmother has however balked at either my mother or myself being sahms.
GreenEyedJen
Well-Known Member
Your post helped me to realize that I experienced the same thing. All of the men (black) I entered into a relationship with had their own business or was in the process of starting one. I even mentioned that in another thread. The single men (black) I know who are entrepreneurial want a women that can add on to what they're doing. I don't see it as doing anything extra, I
Exactly. I really think a SAHM is/has a certain personality "type' that not all of us understand, and they would be the type that wouldn't understand the things I enjoy in a relationship.
Even though my father paid all the bills and didn't leave any debt for my mom when he died (quite the opposite, actually) and we had live-ins when my brother and I were growing up, Mom always worked. She always told me don't depend on anyone to be able to get you out of something. Dad told me the same thing too. Mind you, these are parents that hadn't even taught their son the meaning of the word "dutch" on dates. As an aside, I told my brother this guy had the nerve to tell me to order anything, then asked to split the bill when it came. When I said "Then he asked me to go DUTCH!" little bro didn't even know what I was talking about. He'd literally never asked or even heard of asking a woman to go halfsies. Bro was 26
But back to the point...my mom did try the SAHM thing for like two years. She was the most miserable, mean person. Looking back, I think she was depressed. She was used to building and having her own independent of her husband and children. I remember basically begging her to go back to work. She just is not the SAH type.
I am similar...and as stated in this thread, I'm also wild AF so I really appreciate a partner pushing me to stay on my A-game. The white guys I've dated, even if marrying them would have been "marrying up", have almost encouraged me to stay mediocre...that's not my thing.
barbiesocialite
Well-Known Member
Your post helped me to realize that I experienced the same thing. All of the men (black) I entered into a relationship with had their own business or was in the process of starting one. I even mentioned that in another thread. The single men (black) I know who are entrepreneurial want a women that can add on to what they're doing. I don't see it as doing anything extra, I
Yes.
This is what I'm referring to when I say some black women don't understand what it means to be spoiled and well taken care of.
In comparison to their peers usually these black men are barely starting their business, hardly worth anything and want a woman to bring something to their rinky dink establishment. Da hell?!
I don't think so.
Last edited:
naturalgyrl5199
Well-Known Member
Cause she knew the deal. My granny didn't want her daughters nor us to be SAHMs. Being a SAHM to more than 2-3 kids is NO walk in the park. I'm a working mom of one and feel overwhelmed many times. Its enough to find time for myself...when you are a SAHM you are in "mommy mode" 24-7 with no reprieve.
Similar threads
