Do you not date black men?

[qchelle]

Aye! To er'rybody that come into the thread....either make a comment of substance and contribute to the conversation or don't post at all! 'Nevermind' Bit....I oughta

But fareal. That's annoying.

 

[sunnydaze]

Gosh,

There's so much I'd love to say (and delete later) on this topic..but I know I'd post and forget to come back and erase later.

But I can say, that the older I have gotten, attraction for me has moved away from the physical (takes alot more than being, big, black and bald to catch my eye) and more towards a true connection based on common interests, engaging personality, emotional maturity, etc..unfortunately fewer and fewer black men I come across are fitting the bill.

 

[Mena]

This thread is making me want to choose VERY carefully where I raise my children I would hate for my children to not want to marry other blacks

When I was single, I dated all types of men (biracial, Indian, white, Jewish) but I knew if I married for love it would be a black man. I find all men attractive and am capable of being attracted to any man but choosing to be with a black man was more important to me.

If I were ever to be single again, I would marry another black man (I would make an exception for Enrique Iglesias though )

Honestly, I don't think the sentiments that are expressed in this thread can be avoided unless you live in some place like ATL or a very strong black community. Only go to majority black schools, then be in an organization like Jack and jill or strong black church your whole life. I think black americans are slowly getting more and more integrated into the larger society. This means that some my start finding others attractive that are not in their racial group.

I always thought I was going to marry a black man personally. Yes, I was raised in a racially diverse area but I always liked black guys and others as well. I went to college and I was all about the black guys. I think I was a part of finding my identity as a black person. Now, I am kind of over it.

I still find black guys attractive but the older I get the more I am approached by men of other races and less by black men. These other men have their stuff on the ball and treat me well so how could I not take interest.

My mom is holding out hope I will marry a black guy but chances keep getting slimmer and slimmer. Just based on who approaches me. Also, the emotional maturity thing is another big issue as well.

 

[qchelle]

Exactly. In other cultures it's expected. I only find that black folks find it distasteful for a black person to only want to date black. I have my theories though

I would love to hear your theory.

I don't know of many black people IRL who are strong advocates of IR dating...actually the complete opposite. IME, most black parents don't hope their children will date out...they hope they will date in. So ime, black people in general find it distasteful to date 'others'.

(This isn't directly to you) I don't understand dating people that you have absolutely no intention of marrying. To say you date all the colors of the rainbow but I will only marry my own. That doesn't make a lick of sense to me Why are you dating these other people and wasting their time if there is a 0% chance of a future with them.... ???

 

[carcajada]

(This isn't directly to you) I don't understand dating people that you have absolutely no intention of marrying. To say you date all the colors of the rainbow but I will only marry my own. That doesn't make a lick of sense to me Why are you dating these other people and wasting their time if there is a 0% chance of a future with them.... ???

Wouldn't that depend on age and motive? Dating at 16-21 is different than 35 and 40 years old. I guess it doesn't always depend on age, but there is definitely a time where people date for fun and dabble into different things.

 

[LunadeMiel]

I would love to hear your theory.

I don't know of many black people IRL who are strong advocates of IR dating...actually the complete opposite. IME, most black parents don't hope their children will date out...they hope they will date in. So ime, black people in general find it distasteful to date 'others'.

(This isn't directly to you) I don't understand dating people that you have absolutely no intention of marrying. To say you date all the colors of the rainbow but I will only marry my own. That doesn't make a lick of sense to me Why are you dating these other people and wasting their time if there is a 0% chance of a future with them.... ???

When I was dating, I was just dating for fun. When I got serious about marriage, I only accepted dates from black men. There was this very nice Indian man at my job (and very educated too) who was enamored with me. I kindly told him that I would be marrying a black. That didn't curb his desire but I'm a woman of my word

 

[Mena]

I find it interesting that we find it ludicrous to limit ourselves, when in a lot of other cultures its expected. My best friend is Persian and dates all over the place, but in her house and amongst her parents and family friend, it is assumed that she will marry Persian. Jews do it. Asians do it (especially those that are first generation). My Indian friends - even those first and second generation - are serious about it. They'll date whatever and whomever they want. But they know when it comes time to "putting a ring on it" he/she had better be Indian!

I think the distinction is whether someone believes there is something worth preserving or perpetuating. Frankly, I don't see it as any different than dating within certain education or SES brackets.

I go to school with beautiful chocolate sister who only dates white men. Not intentionally, but she says they seem to be more persistent. With her, black men will look, will approach, will have a conversation but it never goes beyond one date.

I'm the exact opposite LOL. Non-blacks will come and strike up a conversation and it might go a date or two, but never beyond that. The brothers have always been more persistent...

You do have a point here. Is black-black relationships or community worth preserving? Personally, we as a society are much more individualistic these days. We are trying to do whats whats best for ourselves to get ahead in most cases. Most people(including myself), would rather but their best interest in mind rather than the community. Personally, I much more concerned about maintaining and improving my SES status more than anything. I will not seriously date anyone who I believe will compromise
this.

I think other cultures/groups like Jewish, Indians and even Nigerians have the luxury of having access to potential partners who won't compromise their SES status.

 

[qchelle]

Ok, I get that dating is more fun/casual when you're younger. I guess I just assume that any relationship you're in can amount to more. Like if you're 18 and you met a white guy and really clicked and you ended up loving him...then you'd have to break up with him eventually because you know you won't marry him?

Idk, I still don't really understand...I'm biased I guess. I've always gone into relationships with the underlying notion that it could possibly be something of substance that could lead to more...no matter how young I was. Not 'I'll be in a relationship with this guy and I no strong feelings aren't going to come to surface so it won't be a problem to break up with him' Idk...that's kinda weird to me...but I get what yall are saying




Now if you're (not you, just generally) just sleeping with him...without actual dates/getting to know you stage...I understand and agree

 

[Westend_Girl]

I dont date black AMERICAN men

 

[LunadeMiel]

Ok, I get that dating is more fun/casual when you're younger. I guess I just assume that any relationship you're in can amount to more. Like if you're 18 and you met a white guy and really clicked and you ended up loving him...then you'd have to break up with him eventually because you know you won't marry him?

Idk, I still don't really understand...I'm biased I guess. I've always gone into relationships with the underlying notion that it could possibly be something of substance that could lead to more...no matter how young I was. Not 'I'll be in a relationship with this guy and I no strong feelings aren't going to come to surface so it won't be a problem to break up with him' Idk...that's kinda weird to me...but I get what yall are saying




Now if you're (not you, just generally) just sleeping with him...without actual dates/getting to know you stage...I understand and agree

I actually won't sleep with a guy if I have no intention of marrying you. I'm on of those people who have to make a conscious effort to fall in love Love doesn't just happen for me so I know I didn't run the risk of falling for someone I did not want to marry.

I think dating interracially solidified my preference for certain black men. While I only date black (I use this as an umbrella term), I only considered certain black men with a certain cultural background suitable for marriage.

 

[jennboo]

I find it interesting that we find it ludicrous to limit ourselves, when in a lot of other cultures its expected. My best friend is Persian and dates all over the place, but in her house and amongst her parents and family friend, it is assumed that she will marry Persian. Jews do it. Asians do it (especially those that are first generation). My Indian friends - even those first and second generation - are serious about it. They'll date whatever and whomever they want. But they know when it comes time to "putting a ring on it" he/she had better be Indian!

I think the distinction is whether someone believes there is something worth preserving or perpetuating. Frankly, I don't see it as any different than dating within certain education or SES brackets.

I go to school with beautiful chocolate sister who only dates white men. Not intentionally, but she says they seem to be more persistent. With her, black men will look, will approach, will have a conversation but it never goes beyond one date.

I'm the exact opposite LOL. Non-blacks will come and strike up a conversation and it might go a date or two, but never beyond that. The brothers have always been more persistent...

Honestly, and at the risk of sounding effed-up, other cultures don't necessarily have to deal with the very real and ****ty statistics that black women have to deal with regarding their men.

Jews date jews, asians date asians but im sure if there men were a hot *** mess collectively they'd be seeking the 'other' (yea i said it). I have also thought it was limiting, in a bad way, for asians and jews to be so clan-ish, although i do understand where the practice to only marry within a person's faith and ethnicity would arise from.

Black women aren't in the same boat as jewish women, anglo white women, or asian women . I have an advanced degree and i find it difficult to find a black man on my level and yes i refuse to settle...i'm not dating anyone who has kids and who does not have a bachelors, who is considerably older than myself, who wants to move in with me and play house without a commitment, who i cant speak to about things other than music and fashion, who wants me to anglicize myself by straightening my hair, etc.

It just so happens that men who embody the standards that i set for a mate happen to be in a certain class/ses/background/etc. and folks in that class happen to not be majority black men .

 

[Syrah]

Exactly. In other cultures it's expected. I only find that black folks find it distasteful for a black person to only want to date black. I have my theories though

Sometimes I wonder if these threads are about choice or necessity. In other words:

Are black women finding themselves less attracted to black men because they're having trouble finding black men who __________ that are equally attracted to them?!

AND Some of the comments in this thread make me concerned about how women are raising their sons AND daughters...

 

[Syrah]

Honestly, and at the risk of sounding effed-up, other cultures don't necessarily have to deal with the very real and ****ty statistics that black women have to deal with regarding their men.

Jews date jews, asians date asians but im sure if there men were a hot *** mess collectively they'd be seeking the 'other' (yea i said it). I have also thought it was limiting, in a bad way, for asians and jews to be so clan-ish, although i do understand where the practice to only marry within a person's faith and ethnicity would arise from.

Black women aren't in the same boat as jewish women, anglo white women, or asian women . I have an advanced degree and i find it difficult to find a black man on my level and yes i refuse to settle...i'm not dating anyone who has kids and who does not have a bachelors, who is considerably older than myself, who wants to move in with me and play house without a commitment, who i cant speak to about things other than music and fashion, who wants me to anglicize myself by straightening my hair, etc.

It just so happens that men who embody the standards that i set for a mate happen to be in a certain class/ses/background/etc. and folks in that class happen to not be majority black men .

At the first half of your post - I get it. I just think there's an important aspect of perspective that's missing - that being that people the bs in other communities does exist - just not here in the US.

What I am wondering is how much of OUR (as black women) inability to meet the black men that we seek can we attribute to ourselves?! The facts are the facts - there are more of US (educated women) than their are of them (educated men). But that doesn't explain the overwhelming number of US who aren't meeting and marrying THEM.

 

[southerncitygirl]

I dont date black AMERICAN men

i don't date carribean or african men

 

[qchelle]

At the first half of your post - I get it. I just think there's an important aspect of perspective that's missing - that being that people the bs in other communities does exist - just not here in the US.

What I am wondering is how much of OUR (as black women) inability to meet the black men that we seek can we attribute to ourselves?! The facts are the facts - there are more of US (educated women) than their are of them (educated men). But that doesn't explain the overwhelming number of US who aren't meeting and marrying THEM.

We're losing. Why?!

I read the bold quite a few times....I'm slow...help me out here
Do you mean how much of it is our fault that we're not meeting the black men that we want?
And how do your stated 'facts' not explain why 'we' aren't meeting and marrying 'them'? The 'facts' that you stated is the reason why...??? #brainfart

 

[Sianna]

IDK, maybe I'm a little... different, but aside from not being attracted to other races of men, I feel a certain, (deeply ingrained) sense of loyalty to black people in general. This doesn't mean I necessarily dislike other races of people, I really do attempt to treat individuals kindly no matter what, but right or wrong, I'll more readily side with black people when push comes to shove.

Das just how I roll!

So really, if it came down to being with an A+++ non-black man and a B- black man, you can bet your bottom dollar I'll be with the black man and we'll just have to work it on out baby!

 

[jennboo]

At the first half of your post - I get it. I just think there's an important aspect of perspective that's missing - that being that people the bs in other communities does exist - just not here in the US.

What I am wondering is how much of OUR (as black women) inability to meet the black men that we seek can we attribute to ourselves?! The facts are the facts - there are more of US (educated women) than their are of them (educated men). But that doesn't explain the overwhelming number of US who aren't meeting and marrying THEM.

We're losing. Why?!

First bolded:I dont know about anyone else, but everything i require of a mate i already possess . I'm certain that i could meet black dudes that meet my standards...(no kids, at least a bachelors, interesting, accepts me (hair/skin) for me, diverse interests, open-minded, does not possess a hood mentality)...but honestly those dudes may not even be checking for ME....or if they are, they may have ****ty attitudes due to entitlement issues that i will not put up with.

Second Bolded: I think the overwhelming majority of black women are indeed marrying black ...ranging from ****ty black men to awesome black men.

I'm not going to break my neck searching for black men who embody my desired qualities when there are MANY other-race men who embody them and are ready to bat, lol. Doesnt make sense to me.

I think black women "lose" when they limit themselves. But oh well, do as ya please, more desirable men for me , lol.

 

[jennboo]

IDK, maybe I'm a little... different, but aside from not being attracted to other races of men, I feel a certain, (deeply ingrained) sense of loyalty to black people in general. This doesn't mean I necessarily dislike other races of people, I really do attempt to treat individuals kindly no matter what, but right or wrong, I'll more readily side with black people when push comes to shove.

Das just how I roll!

So really, if it came down to being with an A+++ non-black man and a B- black man, you can bet your bottom dollar I'll be with the black man and we'll just have to work it on out baby!

Honestly, not me. Not the ones who make it blatantly obvious that they have no allegiance to black women.

 

[qchelle]

First bolded:I dont know about anyone else, but everything i require of a mate i already possess . I'm certain that i could meet black dudes that meet my standards...(no kids, at least a bachelors, interesting, accepts me (hair/skin) for me, diverse interests, open-minded, does not possess a hood mentality)...but honestly those dudes may not even be checking for ME....or if they are, they may have ****ty attitudes due to entitlement issues that i will not put up with.

Second Bolded: I think the overwhelming majority of black women are indeed marrying black ...ranging from ****ty black men to awesome black men.

I'm not going to break my neck searching for black men who embody my desired qualities when there are MANY other-race men who embody them and are ready to bat, lol. Doesnt make sense to me.

I think black women "lose" when they limit themselves. But oh well, do as ya please, more desirable men for me , lol.

Yea, that's what it seemed like she was saying. That black women should be looking harder for the black men that possess desirable characteristics. And I agree with your answer to that

 

[Sianna]

Honestly, not me. Not the ones who make it blatantly obvious that they have no allegiance to black women.

I can appreciate that, but my loyalty is pretty much unconditional.

 

[jennboo]

I can appreciate that, but my loyalty is pretty much unconditional.

Good luck with that, LOL.

 

[Sianna]

Good luck with that, LOL.

Don't get me wrong, I DO deal with people on an individual basis, but as far as my general sense of loyalty to black folk, I've yet to regret that.

 

[jennboo]

Don't get me wrong, I DO deal with people on an individual basis, but as far as my general sense of loyalty to black folk, I've yet to regret that.

We ain't (yes ain't) talkin 'bout black people as a collective, we talking 'bout black men. Why do you declare undying loyalty to them? 'Cause they black? This black male protectionism and do-no-wrong-ism is why we are so effed up now. I'm loyal to my darn self because nobody black/white/green/purple has my best interest at heart but ME, lol.

 

[qchelle]

IDK, maybe I'm a little... different, but aside from not being attracted to other races of men, I feel a certain, (deeply ingrained) sense of loyalty to black people in general. This doesn't mean I necessarily dislike other races of people, I really do attempt to treat individuals kindly no matter what, but right or wrong, I'll more readily side with black people when push comes to shove.

Das just how I roll!

So really, if it came down to being with an A+++ non-black man and a B- black man, you can bet your bottom dollar I'll be with the black man and we'll just have to work it on out baby!

Nah, you're not too different. I know tonsss (if not, the majority) of black women who feel as you do...of all ages. It's easy for people to yell 'just date outside of your race and you'll increase your dating pool!' What if you're not attracted to other races? I don't think people should just settle for something they don't want. So I say if that's what you like then go for it

 

[qchelle]

Don't get me wrong, I DO deal with people on an individual basis, but as far as my general sense of loyalty to black folk, I've yet to regret that.

That's so nice. I wish I had a general sense of loyalty to black folks

 

[Sianna]

We ain't (yes ain't) talkin 'bout black people as a collective, we talking 'bout black men. Why do you declare undying loyalty to them? 'Cause they black?

Um... yeah, pretty much.

This black male protectionism and do-no-wrong-ism is why we are so effed up now. I'm loyal to my darn self because nobody black/white/green/purple has my best interest at heart but ME, lol.

I respectfully disagree with the bolded. I won't bother saying why as I am fairly sure my explanation will not be well received.

And it's not that I think black men can do no wrong. That is by no means the case as clearly black men are capable of wrong just as anyone else is. I am merely saying that I will ALWAYS pick a black man over any other race of man. Period.

But that's just me...

 

[qchelle]

Um... yeah, pretty much.




I respectfully disagree with the bolded. I won't bother saying why as I am fairly sure my explanation will not be well received.

And it's not that I think black men can do no wrong. That is by no means the case as clearly black men are capable of wrong just as anyone else is. I am merely saying that I will ALWAYS pick a black man over any other race of man. Period.

But that's just me...

Oh poo I was enjoying the discussion

Anywhooo I'm off to bed now

 

[Magus484]

I’m just curious as I’ve been surprised by some members saying they don’t find black men attractive. To me, it’s like saying you don’t find yourself attractive.

Because all black people look the same? So anyone who has a preference to date outside their race doesn't find his/herself attractive?. This statement is ridiculous.




But to address the issue, I don't find black men attractive, and I've never dated one. I like the way I look, and don't have a problem attracting men- so my dating preferences have nothing to do with how I see myself. Sure, there are some black men that I think are nice looking, but I don't think of them in a sexual/attracted way. They just don't do it for me. I used to be attracted to them, virtually exclusively, when I was ALOT younger, but situations and experiences that I have been in with them- which seem to all be of the same kinds, have conditioned me to not be attracted to them in a romantic type of manner. There aren't any positive male members of my family either, so I don't think of them in a positive light when it comes to family-building/relationships. Just being honest. I don't feel bad about it. Could care less if others do, either.


ETA: I find a lot of black women beautiful- darkskinned, lightskinned, mixed, etc. I think we're hot. So no self hate here. I seriously don't see why we should have to find black men attractive, and have an undying devotion to them- which is rarely appreciated or returned.

ETAA: I don't think ALL black men are bad. I have a sister who dates them exclusively and I have been on the look out and tried to set her up with some that I think would be good for her. I don't have a problem with BW dating solely black men- this line of thinking is just not for me.

 

[Syrah]

I read the bold quite a few times....I'm slow...help me out here
Do you mean how much of it is our fault that we're not meeting the black men that we want?
And how do your stated 'facts' not explain why 'we' aren't meeting and marrying 'them'? The 'facts' that you stated is the reason why...??? #brainfart

@ the bolded, yes.

@ the second question, not necessarily.

I guess what I'm asking is whether the numbers of educated US and educated THEM is the only reason why we're not meeting them to the degree that we would like? Folks act like there aren't enough of them to go around - true we outnumber them. But there are lot of single educated black men out there and a lot of single educated black women out there. Are THEY (their mentality, their actions) the only reason why the available ones on both sides are meeting in the middle?!

 

[jennboo]

Um... yeah, pretty much.




I respectfully disagree with the bolded. I won't bother saying why as I am fairly sure my explanation will not be well received.

And it's not that I think black men can do no wrong. That is by no means the case as clearly black men are capable of wrong just as anyone else is. I am merely saying that I will ALWAYS pick a black man over any other race of man. Period.

But that's just me...

First bolded: Cool, that is your prerogative.

Second bolded: Too bad they won't do the same for you.