Do you not date black men?

[HennaRo]

While I cringe at the idea of a black person not being attracted to other black people (we're so hot ), I wonder if this mindset will become more common with black women as black men become more invisible in our communities? I don't think the ladies who have been honest in this thread regarding their lack of attraction to black men grew up fatherless, but I question the impact that this trend could have in the future. Then we have some famous, prominent black men openly showing appreciation towards non-black women in every form of media and young black girls see this and start to feel abandonment in many different forms. I don't consider "white men" to be the answer, but I can understand how some young black girls coming up today might eventually start to feel that way. The black community is becoming more divided and while some will shout "conspiracy" we have done a lot of this to ourselves.

Speaking on the whole father issue. I am a die hard daddy's girl still to this day! I am the spitting image and almost personality of him. My parents are still together almost ready to celebrate their 28th anniversary(I'm 27). I was maybe 12 or 13 when I told my dad that I didn't find black men attractive. He gave me a dirty look and said you need to fix that. erplexed It hurt but I felt like my position on that would not change. I couldn't explain why I felt that way I just did. Now as I get older I do find more and more black men attractive but I still don't see myself with a black man.

My sister is married now to a Moroccan man, but her ex husband is black and worthless....literally. They have 8 kids together and he has 12 kids total. Right now he's in Saudi Arabia teaching english, while his other wife and kids are here. But out of the 4 girls that they have together 3 of them are dating nice and respectable black boys/men. They know how they should be treated, and want nothing less. My point is the father thing isn't really an across the board problem.

 

[comatose]

Thank you for this post. The root issue is abuse. It's not about how society views blacks. She was directly abused by black men, and she established connections at a young age before she could rationalize about race as adults do. Children simply do not see the world in the same way as adults do, and childhood abuse affects the victim throughout life.



The type of situation displacedcreole described doesn't vibe to an explanation involving societal views of the black race. Black men (in their own family) abused them during their childhood in several different ways. It outwardly affected her sister, who chooses not to date black men. (I will also add that she and her sister have two distinct personalities so they reacted differently. Their differing reactions aren't necessarily because of internal strength or better reasoning abilities of one over the other either.)

The sister's reaction is NOT because of society's view of blacks. They both had a first-hand experience with blacks when they were children. Their experiences were largely negative. This could have happened to anyone, regardless of race.

Pour example: A black (or white) woman could have the same reaction as displacedcreole's sister to an older white man because an older white man abused her when she was a child - or she could respond as displacedcreole did. Media and society love old white men. Abuse that happens during childhood can't be rationalized in an adult way.

I don't disagree nor was I placing the reaction to black men above the abuse by black men in my mind, but we were on the topic of "why some find black men unattractive" and I was keeping to that theme. If you read my previous posts, I did state that this reaction to someone of similar race CAN happen across the board but I wondered about the frequency of this reaction within the race in question.

 

[frida1980]

To tell you the truth I've never seen ANY say or post or imply their not attracted to black men at all. After all, you'd have to be dead not to be attracted to Shemare Moore. I think people get a little frustrated and confused when they see, especially on this board, women that seem to like IR relationships. Many women decide that it's another vague reason that leads these women astray. 1. Not having access to black men, 2. Having bad experiences with BM, 3. Having a traumatic childhood with BM, 4. Abandonment from Black father, or 5. Having problems with being black and taking it out on black men.

But the truth is different for each individual. I don't believe that you can blame all IR relationships on self loathing or not having a Daddy. Those are not the cause of all "undesirable" behavior in BW. The truth is, in contrast to 40 years ago, a lot of BW have grown up around whites. They've met them, befriended them, and at some point become attracted to them. The only reason it hasn't been as wide spread like Asians and Latinos is because blacks have been a very tight "community" for so long. A lot of people still look down on others for just "acting white" or having white friends. So having a white SO is the ultimate betrayal. The truth is much of this thinking is fading away as time goes on.

Black women are finding themselves attracted to men of different races because of access and acceptance. This isn't necessarily a deep psychological scar that can be "fixed." It's just a preference that outsiders need to accept and get over. IR relationships can be healthy and successful. Just be happy that they're happy. It's their life after all.

 

[Bunny77]

^^^The interesting thing is, many of the BW I know in healthy IR relationships typically had great fathers and came from relatively stable families.

I know for me, I grew up in Detroit... I could count the white people in my graduating high school class on my hands. I dated black men then and did so in college as well... I was involved with many black activities in college and thus, spent a lot of time with black men.

My dad is awesome and was always actively involved with my life.

Did I run into some loser BM? Yeah, definitely. Ran into some loser white ones too.

But the last black man I dated somewhat seriously was in 2007. Not by choice, but it just worked out that way. The funny thing is, now that I'm engaged, I'm hearing through the grapevine about all the black men who were interested in me and wanted to ask me out, but never quite got around to doing so.

Oh well...

Anyway, yeah, I've always found black men attractive. Still do. If for some reason, I'm ever back on the dating market, black men would still be in my dating pool.

For me, it's not that serious. I don't have a preference for black men, but I don't have a preference for non-black men either. I just like men.

 

[DirtyJerzeyGirly]

To tell you the truth I've never seen ANY say or post or imply their not attracted to black men at all. After all, you'd have to be dead not to be attracted to Shemare Moore. I think people get a little frustrated and confused when they see, especially on this board, women that seem to like IR relationships. Many women decide that it's another vague reason that leads these women astray. 1. Not having access to black men, 2. Having bad experiences with BM, 3. Having a traumatic childhood with BM, 4. Abandonment from Black father, or 5. Having problems with being black and taking it out on black men.

But the truth is different for each individual. I don't believe that you can blame all IR relationships on self loathing or not having a Daddy. Those are not the cause of all "undesirable" behavior in BW. The truth is, in contrast to 40 years ago, a lot of BW have grown up around whites. They've met them, befriended them, and at some point become attracted to them. The only reason it hasn't been as wide spread like Asians and Latinos is because blacks have been a very tight "community" for so long. A lot of people still look down on others for just "acting white" or having white friends. So having a white SO is the ultimate betrayal. The truth is much of this thinking is fading away as time goes on.

Black women are finding themselves attracted to men of different races because of access and acceptance. This isn't necessarily a deep psychological scar that can be "fixed." It's just a preference that outsiders need to accept and get over. IR relationships can be healthy and successful. Just be happy that they're happy. It's their life after all.

I agree with this as well.

 

[AHeadOfCoils]

I've dated all different races of men but BY FAR black men are the ones that ALWAYs have some issues. Issues that completely turn me off and are just extra baggage. I am to the point in my life where I am beginning to not like black men for me. I am attracted to them but as far as building a life together, I don't see myself married to a bm. I wish I could say otherwise but it's the honest truth..

 

[BroadstreetBully]

Speaking on the whole father issue. I am a die hard daddy's girl still to this day! I am the spitting image and almost personality of him. My parents are still together almost ready to celebrate their 28th anniversary(I'm 27). I was maybe 12 or 13 when I told my dad that I didn't find black men attractive. He gave me a dirty look and said you need to fix that. erplexed It hurt but I felt like my position on that would not change. I couldn't explain why I felt that way I just did. Now as I get older I do find more and more black men attractive but I still don't see myself with a black man.

My sister is married now to a Moroccan man, but her ex husband is black and worthless....literally. They have 8 kids together and he has 12 kids total. Right now he's in Saudi Arabia teaching english, while his other wife and kids are here. But out of the 4 girls that they have together 3 of them are dating nice and respectable black boys/men. They know how they should be treated, and want nothing less. My point is the father thing isn't really an across the board problem.

I could only imagine the hurt he felt but I guess we can't control our preferences.

I'm actually referring more to the younger generation of black women. It isn't just about the presence or lack of a father, though that plays a part. The invisibility issue is larger than that. I've seen on this very board some black women talk about young black girls who are being ignored by young black boys in favor of "other" girls. Now combine this with some of these girl lacking any father figure and watching prominent black men choose "other". I can't speak for this generation, but I wonder how the younger generation of black girls will cope. Of course you'll have some say that "it's not like this where I live, the media is lying" yet even if this is only going on in much smaller numbers than we think, no other group of women deal with this.

 

[Crackers Phinn]

When I was in jr high a boy snatched me into a boys bathroom where there were 8-12 other other boys and young men (from the high school up the street) who attempted to rape me. A teacher walking by was able to break it up before I was penetrated, but there was a lot of damage done before that happened.

Every black male phenotype was represented in that group.

So while I can appreciate the super fine-ness of a Reggie Bush or a Darren Sharper, I don't have a strong sexual response to them.

I wonder, do other races think this way for the most part? Do white people, for example chalk up their bad experiences with people of similar race to their reason for dating out? :scratchch

I've been through a lot of rape/sa support groups and while white women may not swear off all white men, they usually avoid men with the same physical characteristics of the person who assaulted them.

Hypothetical question, why don't I swear off men and become a lesbian because men did me wrong..

I think that this happens quite more than the LGBT community would like to admit. As a survivor of sexual abuse I am still very much heterosexual.

Is this thinking a really effective way to rationalize dating out? Don't get me wrong, you can date out but why are the explanations needed?

I don't usually explain myself to anyone. But since the discussion is brought up I thought I'd add my two cents. It is not my fault that I was put in a situation that has caused me to view the world in a certain way. But I deal with it in a way that keeps myself sane. I went a stint where I forced myself to date black men and the whole situation was pitiful and for the most part sexless.

It's not fair for me to have to fake sexual compatability in the name of political correctness and it's not fair for me to take a black dude off the market from another woman who can genuinely love him in all the ways that he deserves. So I don't feel guilt over this issue. It just is what it is.

 

[Bunny77]

..............

 

[BroadstreetBully]

To tell you the truth I've never seen ANY say or post or imply their not attracted to black men at all. After all, you'd have to be dead not to be attracted to Shemare Moore. I think people get a little frustrated and confused when they see, especially on this board, women that seem to like IR relationships. Many women decide that it's another vague reason that leads these women astray. 1. Not having access to black men, 2. Having bad experiences with BM, 3. Having a traumatic childhood with BM, 4. Abandonment from Black father, or 5. Having problems with being black and taking it out on black men.

But the truth is different for each individual. I don't believe that you can blame all IR relationships on self loathing or not having a Daddy. Those are not the cause of all "undesirable" behavior in BW. The truth is, in contrast to 40 years ago, a lot of BW have grown up around whites. They've met them, befriended them, and at some point become attracted to them. The only reason it hasn't been as wide spread like Asians and Latinos is because blacks have been a very tight "community" for so long. A lot of people still look down on others for just "acting white" or having white friends. So having a white SO is the ultimate betrayal. The truth is much of this thinking is fading away as time goes on.

Black women are finding themselves attracted to men of different races because of access and acceptance. This isn't necessarily a deep psychological scar that can be "fixed." It's just a preference that outsiders need to accept and get over. IR relationships can be healthy and successful. Just be happy that they're happy. It's their life after all.

This thread is not about your typical IR relationships. It is about women who are not attracted to black men at all. I haven't seen a lot of talk about not being attracted to black men, but I have seen a few posts here and there where women talk about not having any desire to be with a black man, and preferring to be with a non-black man.

I am not trying to explore the reasons why these women are not attracted to black men, just questioning if current trends will influence the preferences of some black women in the future.

 

[BGT]

Why?

Anyway, I can't think of one black woman I know who has ever said they didn't date black men because they were not attracted to them. I think most bw's preference for white men is due to 1. the environment they grew up in 2. experiences w/ bm that scarred them/turned them off 3. cultural similarities 4. lack of availability of good bm around them

It's usually 1, several, or ALL of these possible cases that lead to bw prefering wm.

Here's one.

I 100% agree with that statement. I'm positive mine is because of the bolded. But I wonder if it's made me not attracted to all bm. I see attrictive bm but I'm not attracted to them, ykwim?

This is the situation with my sister. We were verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused as children by black males. She has NEVER messed with black men. I used to really hate her for this. Now I understand why - she has such a delicate soul. She doesn't have the strength I do.

This is me. I had two forced sexual experiences with black male family members before I was 10, and that scared and scarred me. I find some BM attractive, but I am not attracted to them, if that makes sense. I don't find dark skin attractive at all, but I attribute that to one of my abusers having very dark skin. Whenever I see a dark-skinned man, I see him in them. I don't think my body could physically or sexually react to a dark-skinned man. It's actually a big turn-off. If I find a BM attractive, usually, he has my skin tone or lighter.

I also don't like how BM are so aggressive and how they approach you. I was a hostess at a wedding yesterday and every time I walked past this group of black males, they whistled or made some kind of comment. It really disgusted me.

Like some, I grew up in a very diverse atmosphere. I was raised in the south, where there is a heavy concentration of blacks, but I was placed in advanced/honors/AP/gifted classes starting in 1st grade all the way through high school so my academic surroundings were mostly white, Asian and Indians. Very few blacks, mostly black females, maybe one black male in my English Honors class who did not date black girls. The guys I had crushes on were white, Asian, Indian or light-skinned black.

I like this black guy, and it's strange. I haven't liked a BM in years. I feel weird. But he's very much like me: very nerdy, loves traveling, loves classical music. It's not common to find a man like that who dates BW too. I would compare how I feel about dating BM to how some would feel about dating outside their race: it feels strange and not "right" even though it is. erplexed

ETA: I am going to start seeing a therapist to deal with my issues stemming from my abuse. It's time.

 

[HennaRo]

I could only imagine the hurt he felt but I guess we can't control our preferences.

I'm actually referring more to the younger generation of black women. It isn't just about the presence or lack of a father, though that plays a part. The invisibility issue is larger than that. I've seen on this very board some black women talk about young black girls who are being ignored by young black boys in favor of "other" girls. Now combine this with some of these girl lacking any father figure and watching prominent black men choose "other". I can't speak for this generation, but I wonder how the younger generation of black girls will cope. Of course you'll have some say that "it's not like this where I live, the media is lying" yet even if this is only going on in much smaller numbers than we think, no other group of women deal with this.

Oh ok I see where your going with that. It will be interesting to see how this all works out. The way the media portrays us and how we act sometimes is nothing to be desired, even though things have become better it's still not really moving forward. It would be nice if we could just start over!

 

[kmn1980]

A general to some of the stuff in this thread.....

Carry on...

 

[Katherina]

Your earlier post:

I wonder, do other races think this way for the most part? Do white people, for example chalk up their bad experiences with people of similar race to their reason for dating out? :scratchch Hypothetical question, why don't I swear off men and become a lesbian because men did me wrong..or swear off people in general because a person did me wrong. Is this thinking a really effective way to rationalize dating out? Don't get me wrong, you can date out but why are the explanations needed?

I responded as I did earlier for two main reasons: in the post above it seems like you are trying to apply an impossible line of reasoning to child abuse, and because I didn't agree with the turn of the thread.

I don't disagree nor was I placing the reaction to black men above the abuse by black men in my mind, but we were on the topic of "why some find black men unattractive" and I was keeping to that theme. If you read my previous posts, I did state that this reaction to someone of similar race CAN happen across the board but I wondered about the frequency of this reaction within the race in question.

A child victim protects herself against further abuse in the best way she knows how (albeit irrationally to adults) - by avoiding reminders of abuse. Although the child's post-abuse environmental influences (included among these is a racist society) may perpetuate her "anti-black" stereotype later on in life, the child's initial anti-black reaction is not more frequent merely because she had a black abuser. If a black man's black victim appears more determinedly racist or self-hating than a white man's white victim, it is due to a sea of interwoven experiences and thought patterns that likely began as a coping mechanism in early childhood.

 

[Katherina]

When I was in jr high a boy snatched me into a boys bathroom where there were 8-12 other other boys and young men (from the high school up the street) who attempted to rape me. A teacher walking by was able to break it up before I was penetrated, but there was a lot of damage done before that happened.

SMH at them and hugs to you.

I've been through a lot of rape/sa support groups and while white women may not swear off all white men, they usually avoid men with the same physical characteristics of the person who assaulted them.

ITA. This is what makes sense!

I don't usually explain myself to anyone. But since the discussion is brought up I thought I'd add my two cents. It is not my fault that I was put in a situation that has caused me to view the world in a certain way. But I deal with it in a way that keeps myself sane. I went a stint where I forced myself to date black men and the whole situation was pitiful and for the most part sexless.

It's not fair for me to have to fake sexual compatability in the name of political correctness and it's not fair for me to take a black dude off the market from another woman who can genuinely love him in all the ways that he deserves. So I don't feel guilt over this issue. It just is what it is.

I agree with this. A victim reacts to sexual abuse - period. There is no "rationalization" or "coming up with an explanation" for your particular behaviors. How can you rationalize a reaction to abuse? IDK. You shouldn't have to explain yourself, because it is not your fault that you were abused, and it's not your fault that you've reacted this way.

 

[Katherina]

This is me. I had two forced sexual experiences with black male family members before I was 10, and that scared and scarred me. I find some BM attractive, but I am not attracted to them, if that makes sense. I don't find dark skin attractive at all, but I attribute that to one of my abusers having very dark skin. Whenever I see a dark-skinned man, I see him in them. I don't think my body could physically or sexually react to a dark-skinned man. It's actually a big turn-off. If I find a BM attractive, usually, he has my skin tone or lighter.

I also don't like how BM are so aggressive and how they approach you. I was a hostess at a wedding yesterday and every time I walked past this group of black males, they whistled or made some kind of comment. It really disgusted me.

Like some, I grew up in a very diverse atmosphere. I was raised in the south, where there is a heavy concentration of blacks, but I was placed in advanced/honors/AP/gifted classes starting in 1st grade all the way through high school so my academic surroundings were mostly white, Asian and Indians. Very few blacks, mostly black females, maybe one black male in my English Honors class who did not date black girls. The guys I had crushes on were white, Asian, Indian or light-skinned black.

Hugs to you. Thanks for sharing.

I like this black guy, and it's strange. I haven't liked a BM in years. I feel weird. But he's very much like me: very nerdy, loves traveling, loves classical music. It's not common to find a man like that who dates BW too. I would compare how I feel about dating BM to how some would feel about dating outside their race: it feels strange and not "right" even though it is. erplexed

ETA: I am going to start seeing a therapist to deal with my issues stemming from my abuse. It's time.

This is sweet . Therapy (with a good therapist) can really help, and it looks like you have great opportunities for healing ahead!

 

[azuquita_morena]

@ The bolded is where I am now. It's also why, IRL, I don't like to discuss this issue with people whom are not on the same page as I am. I have to know my audience and adjust my speech accordingly, because I really don't want to hear ignorant statements or argue with someone about my personal choices.

It's funny because I have heard all my life women saying how much they love dark skinned men and light skinned men and WM are "out of style", "whack", not "masculine" enough for them, and etc, and no one would bat an eye. Yet, when a woman states her preference to be a light skinned or and non-BM, then everyone is quick to label the woman self-hating? I am fully aware of colorism within our community, but I do think not all women who have such a preference are self-hating as some have illustrated in this thread.

I personally love men of all races/cultures, but it tends to be that I am more attracted light-skinned or tanned non-BM (especially Latin men). I am also least attracted to American, non-Latino white & black men. I think some of that had to do with past negative experiences, but most of it has to do with being interesting in other cultures and wanting to have a bi or multi-cultural/lingual family in the future. In any event, I have learned to not make assumptions about people based on their personal beliefs and decisions, but rather try to understand their point of view.

I don't usually explain myself to anyone. But since the discussion is brought up I thought I'd add my two cents. It is not my fault that I was put in a situation that has caused me to view the world in a certain way. But I deal with it in a way that keeps myself sane. I went a stint where I forced myself to date black men and the whole situation was pitiful and for the most part sexless.

It's not fair for me to have to fake sexual compatability in the name of political correctness and it's not fair for me to take a black dude off the market from another woman who can genuinely love him in all the ways that he deserves. So I don't feel guilt over this issue. It just is what it is.

 

[frida1980]

This thread is not about your typical IR relationships. It is about women who are not attracted to black men at all. I haven't seen a lot of talk about not being attracted to black men, but I have seen a few posts here and there where women talk about not having any desire to be with a black man, and preferring to be with a non-black man.

I am not trying to explore the reasons why these women are not attracted to black men, just questioning if current trends will influence the preferences of some black women in the future.

One has nothing to do with the other. The women that find themselves not attracted to black men at all have extreme reasons that don't apply to most women. Most women here say that they ARE still attracted to black men, but various reasons have lead them to other races. So there's no trend, because these instances are rare and unrelated.

I'm actually referring more to the younger generation of black women. It isn't just about the presence or lack of a father, though that plays a part. The invisibility issue is larger than that. I've seen on this very board some black women talk about young black girls who are being ignored by young black boys in favor of "other" girls. Now combine this with some of these girl lacking any father figure and watching prominent black men choose "other". I can't speak for this generation, but I wonder how the younger generation of black girls will cope.

I can already tell you how their coping. It's called, putting up with what they can get. It's not the IR of BM/OW or lack of black fathers that leads to IR. These problems normally lead to black women settling and becoming "common law" wives, baby mommas and what not. The try to have the black family that they never had by clinging to the wrong men. All around me I see BW degrading themselves that their mothers never would.

IR relationships are simply because black girls are exposed at an early age to other types of children. When race becomes less of a factor, they're less sensitive to staying with only black men. The plaintiffs in the land mark case that legalized IR marriage were a IR couple that grew up together and fell in love. (Fitting that their last names were Loving.) In their town, race was less of a problem and they interacted frequently. This is becoming a reality for millions of black children everyday. Their going to grow up in a multiracial environment, learn about other races as humans beings.

I know a lot of articles urge BW to find white men as a solution to their singleness, but the truth is why should any of these women settle for a man they don't want? The same goes for BW who are attracted to white men, why compromise your desires to please other people?

In short, there is no alarming trend of BW that are not attracted to BM. There are, as always, BW that have had personal experiences that have affected them to a degree. There's no reason to believe there is an epidemic of BW who are abandoning their race. It's just integration taking its course.

 

[carolinetwin]

I don’t know how to multi quote so in response:

If you haven’t dated a black man because of lack of opportunity or circumstance, then that’s just the way it is. My point is related to not finding them attractive. Black men are a physical reflection of us. Just as my father, uncle, brothers are black, and a reflection of who I am. I cannot say I’m going to reject that by refusing to date a black man.

I’m not advocating dating black men just because they’re black. If you find a mate who has the same interests as you, and they happen to be white or whatever colour, then fine and I wish you all the best. My point/question was around not finding black men attractive. There are black men of all different shades so to say you don’t find ANY of them attractive, is very odd to me.

I have no specific preference myself although I do find that my profession, environment when growing up means that I relate with white men in a professional setting. My interests do not afford me the opportunity to meet like minded black men and the one eligible black man where I work is married to a white woman.

It took me a long time to consider dating outside my race and when I did, it showed me that the myth that white men treat you better is definitely not true. It really boils down to the individual man.


For those who have been abused by black men and choose not to date black men for those reasons…well I can sort of relate although I don’t know how I would react myself. I was hit in the face by a black man just last month and for the longest time I had the deepest hatred for black men within the 20-25 age range. I knew it was stupid for me to react that way, but when emotions are involved…(and I did feel physically and mentally violated)…you really don’t know what your response will be. I would like to think that I wouldn’t paint all black men as bad because of my experience because I have a lot of examples of good black men.

 

[Renewed1]

Do you not prefer black men because you don't find them physically attractive or because you think that socially you connect more with white men?
(i.e. would you still make the poo face at Boris, Morris or Idris or only at Jayqwan, Tyrone or Booshaka from around the way?)

I do find black men physically attractive......I'm not dead. I do appreciate a good looking man.

I was refering to black men who approach me. I do give them the screw face, when they approach me. I would do it for Boris, Morris, etc. I'm not attracted to them.....in the sense of wanting a relationship.

I connect more socially/mentally with white men; I have them as friends and one is currently pursuing me. I can't explain why I always connected more with white men over black men. I just do!

I do have black men as friends, but even THEY said I should only date white guys.....something about me being the "type." <shrug>

 

[RegaLady]

Interesting, I have an in law that was sexaully abused by family memebers and she said she would NEVER date a black man and a dark skinned man ever. I remember trying to convince her otherwise, but that was when I was younger and dumber. Truth of the matter, like it has been said a dozen times here, people will cope the best way they know how.

I have a sister who also is discusted by black men. Although my father was a very good one, she and I have different experiences with him which plays into her dislike with black men. I think she just finds white men more attractive. Self-hating, wanting mixed children due to teasing she expereinced being darker-skinned, or just not liking the way black men acted, were all the reasons I have come up with in regards to her not liking black men. To be honest, I have told her and myself that as long as she is happy, then I am okay with it. It really doesn't bother me.

I think that we keep thinking that black goes with black and white goes with white, but that notion is the reason why so many people are not able to find love, or the divorce rate is so high, or people are unhappy in their marriages. Chemistry can be found in many different groups and if people are not sexaully drawn to their own groups than I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

Also, I have never given white men consideration because I do not get approached by them. It is natural to like people who like us. So, I totally understand how some women feel about growing up in environments where there were more white men, or because black men where not approaching them, they dated "others",

 

[DirtyJerzeyGirly]

I do find black men physically attractive......I'm not dead. I do appreciate a good looking man.

I was refering to black men who approach me. I do give them the screw face, when they approach me. I would do it for Boris, Morris, etc. I'm not attracted to them.....in the sense of wanting a relationship.

I connect more socially/mentally with white men; I have them as friends and one is currently pursuing me. I can't explain why I always connected more with white men over black men. I just do!

I do have black men as friends, but even THEY said I should only date white guys.....something about me being the "type." <shrug>

@ the bold/italic....I'm the same way
@ the underlined. That's interesting. I wonder what "type" you are.

 

[BGT]

My sister told me when I was 8 that I was going to marry a white guy. 8!

 

[MrsHdrLe]

I really tried to read through this whole thread before putting in my contribution and praying for someone to say what I wanted to say so I could thank them and move on, but after reading Cracker Phinn's post and the multiple posts from others pcing them selves through what feels like yet another attack on bw by bw for their life choices, I just got frustrated.
I date wm b/c I like it! I like soft hair and blue eyes (though dh has neither). My dating white doesn't mean I reject myself or bm in general and so what if it did. My life, my rules. I think some people do choose people in the "other" category b/c of self loathing, or bad experiences, or even media hype, but again so what. I don't have to see any one's bm so/dh nekid and vice versa. People do what makes them feel happy, or whatever and I really wish that it could stop feeing like being attacked when someone asks questions like this.

 

[qchelle]

I’m just curious as I’ve been surprised by some members saying they don’t find black men attractive. To me, it’s like saying you don’t find yourself attractive.

I don’t know how to multi quote so in response:

If you haven’t dated a black man because of lack of opportunity or circumstance, then that’s just the way it is. My point is related to not finding them attractive. Black men are a physical reflection of us. Just as my father, uncle, brothers are black, and a reflection of who I am. I cannot say I’m going to reject that by refusing to date a black man.

I’m not advocating dating black men just because they’re black. If you find a mate who has the same interests as you, and they happen to be white or whatever colour, then fine and I wish you all the best. My point/question was around not finding black men attractive. There are black men of all different shades so to say you don’t find ANY of them attractive, is very odd to me.

I have no specific preference myself although I do find that my profession, environment when growing up means that I relate with white men in a professional setting. My interests do not afford me the opportunity to meet like minded black men and the one eligible black man where I work is married to a white woman.

It took me a long time to consider dating outside my race and when I did, it showed me that the myth that white men treat you better is definitely not true. It really boils down to the individual man.


For those who have been abused by black men and choose not to date black men for those reasons…well I can sort of relate although I don’t know how I would react myself. I was hit in the face by a black man just last month and for the longest time I had the deepest hatred for black men within the 20-25 age range. I knew it was stupid for me to react that way, but when emotions are involved…(and I did feel physically and mentally violated)…you really don’t know what your response will be. I would like to think that I wouldn’t paint all black men as bad because of my experience because I have a lot of examples of good black men.

Oh, I get it now. You were asking how can you not find any good looking black men. Not how are you not attracted to any black men. Finding someone attractive and being attracted to someone are two different things, imo. I understand how people can not be attracted to black men....definitely But saying you don't think any black man looks good is like......are you blind? dead maybe?

So, I get what you are saying now

ETA: I see someone has already stated this. Carry on. I'm enjoying the convo

 

[AstroQueen77]

I don't go out of my way NOT to date/be with black men...but I don't see myself permanently being with a black male. I think the main reason is social upbringing.

 

[Renewed1]

@ the underlined. That's interesting. I wonder what "type" you are.

I have no idea. One guy stated that he looked at me and instantly knew that I would marry a white guy. He said it's was my persona...(still don't get it). He stated that I'm cultured in the things "THEY" would like. Then again he said I would marry someone with money too.

I don't know. I'm just attracted to them.

 

[Mena]

To tell you the truth I've never seen ANY say or post or imply their not attracted to black men at all. After all, you'd have to be dead not to be attracted to Shemare Moore. I think people get a little frustrated and confused when they see, especially on this board, women that seem to like IR relationships. Many women decide that it's another vague reason that leads these women astray. 1. Not having access to black men, 2. Having bad experiences with BM, 3. Having a traumatic childhood with BM, 4. Abandonment from Black father, or 5. Having problems with being black and taking it out on black men.

But the truth is different for each individual. I don't believe that you can blame all IR relationships on self loathing or not having a Daddy. Those are not the cause of all "undesirable" behavior in BW. The truth is, in contrast to 40 years ago, a lot of BW have grown up around whites. They've met them, befriended them, and at some point become attracted to them. The only reason it hasn't been as wide spread like Asians and Latinos is because blacks have been a very tight "community" for so long. A lot of people still look down on others for just "acting white" or having white friends. So having a white SO is the ultimate betrayal. The truth is much of this thinking is fading away as time goes on.

Black women are finding themselves attracted to men of different races because of access and acceptance. This isn't necessarily a deep psychological scar that can be "fixed." It's just a preference that outsiders need to accept and get over. IR relationships can be healthy and successful. Just be happy that they're happy. It's their life after all.

This is it pretty much.

 

[SleekyHair]

I have a (3rd) cousin that says she's not attracted to black men unless they are biracial or light skin with "good" hair. She is real vocal about it too (especially if she is in the proximity of white men). The funny thing is that the guy she is dating now is black. She only started dating him because she thought he was half asian (he has "chinky" eyes). She hasn't left him yet, so I guess shes had a change of heart. erplexed

My sister told me when I was 8 that I was going to marry a white guy. 8!

I've had family members say this to me. It won't happen though, because I'm not into pale skin

 

[FlowerHair]

Seriously, what's wrong with not being attracted to black men?

I have dated around 50/50 black and white men, let me say that first before the stones come flying!

You can't help what you're attracted to...some people are attracted to tall men, some short, some in between... I don't see any thread out there asking Why aren't you attracted to short/tall/fat/skinny men? Why is it always about skin color?

I definately don't think that all black men are a reflection of me. Why?
Because we both happen to have a fair amount of melanin in our skin? Black men that I meet come from all over the world, I don't necessarily have anything in common with them at all. All black men are not my father. There are as many differences within the black race as it is between blacks and whites etc.

Once you've had a few boyfriends it usually becomes clear that you have a "type". That type may be black, white, Asian or whatever. Attraction is a very intricate phenomenon. It builds on stuff like hormones, scents, body type, facial features, voice texture and many more things. We can't even paint a full picture of what we are attracted to because Mother Nature dictates all of that and it's on so many levels that we are completely unaware of most of them.

By the way...Nature strives for diversity.

I'm open to meeting a good man, regardless of color.