Do you not date black men?

[Gigi-07]

...and I give any black dudes that try to speak to me....the poo poo face.

Why?

Anyway, I can't think of one black woman I know who has ever said they didn't date black men because they were not attracted to them. I think most bw's preference for white men is due to 1. the environment they grew up in 2. experiences w/ bm that scarred them/turned them off 3. cultural similarities 4. lack of availability of good bm around them

It's usually 1, several, or ALL of these possible cases that lead to bw prefering wm.

If the reason why they don't date bm is not preference, but circumstance,
then it is usually a Whoopi Goldberg type situation ("I don't get asked out by black men, so i don't date them")

I don't blame black women for ANY of the above cases. It's usually not their faults. So, I don't automatically think "self-hate" when I hear one say they don't date bm. I wish we would stop readily throwing that label around when we discuss the choices our people make concerning their lives (that goes for everything from hair, to rhinoplasty, to our social circles and our individual choices of music, sports, entertainment). It is really not fair.

 

[NAPPYCHICK86]

Oh my god nappychick that lil man in your siggie is too cute. i don't know how i missed that precious lil face before. he's ADORABLE!!!!

Thats my son carter. He is a mess!

 

[GaiasDaughter24]

Why?

Anyway, I can't think of one black woman I know who has ever said they didn't date black men because they were not attracted to them. I think most bw's preference for white men is due to 1. the environment they grew up in 2. experiences w/ bm that scarred them/turned them off 3. cultural similarities 4. lack of availability of good bm around them

.

I 100% agree with that statement. I'm positive mine is because of the bolded. But I wonder if it's made me not attracted to all bm. I see attrictive bm but I'm not attracted to them, ykwim?

 

[8HoursFromHome]

Just happened that way. I was a tomboy, so I keep seeing black males as more "brotherly" rather than as just men. I've been attracted to some black men, but it just seems to really click with white men. Whereas the black men I find attractive seem to ignore my existence. I'm not going to cry over not having a good black man, or go for someone that I don't find attractive just to "stay black." I'm going to go where there's a connection only.

It just seems ironic that it happens more with white men than with black.

at the bolded. This is my situation. We were the only black family in the neighborhood and my family were Catholic (hardly any blacks in church). Ideally, I'd love to be with a black man but they are not attracted to me. I was married to a black man but he did me so wrong but that has not deterred me. I currently have a yt man barking up my tree. I'm not uncomfortable dating outside of my race, I've done it before. I'm afraid that if I stick to my ideal, I'll die alone...

 

[8HoursFromHome]

I 100% agree with that statement. I'm positive mine is because of the bolded. But I wonder if it's made me not attracted to all bm. I see attrictive bm but I'm not attracted to them, ykwim?

This is the situation with my sister. We were verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused as children by black males. She has NEVER messed with black men. I used to really hate her for this. Now I understand why - she has such a delicate soul. She doesn't have the strength I do.

 

[Gigi-07]

I 100% agree with that statement. I'm positive mine is because of the bolded. But I wonder if it's made me not attracted to all bm. I see attrictive bm but I'm not attracted to them, ykwim?

Yeah, I definitely know what you mean! My dating life has been the way it is due to all the cases I mentioned, to various degrees for each. I see cute some bm...but then I figure that he'd probably laugh when he learned that my favorite artists were Simon & Garfunkel. lol. Thus, I'm not attracted to those with whom I'm almost 100% sure I cannot connect most of the time. Cultural differences have been the barrier for me, so much so that I don't even bother checking out bm anymore, I don't even care what they look like anymore, I stopped caring to date them (preferentially) so I stopped looking their way ... cultural similarities are a big part of attraction.

 

[Optimus_Prime]

This is the situation with my sister. We were verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused as children by black males. She has NEVER messed with black men. I used to really hate her for this. Now I understand why - she has such a delicate soul. She doesn't have the strength I do.

There's a lot of double talk in this post, no shade. How does the red lead to the green? And if she needs all her strength to be with a certain kind of man, she would be with the WRONG kind of man.

 

[8HoursFromHome]

No double talk here. We were abused by black men and boys (relatives). I grew to learn that not ALL black men are bad, she didn't. She just said phyuck it and only dealt with yt people... She has NO black friends at all...

 

[8HoursFromHome]

and I hated her because she ran frm ALL black people, even her family, even the ones that didn't do anything to her...

Like I said, she is very sensitive. I was able to understand that all black people are not bad, she chose to abandon them all...

 

[comatose]

This is the situation with my sister. We were verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused as children by black males. She has NEVER messed with black men. I used to really hate her for this. Now I understand why - she has such a delicate soul. She doesn't have the strength I do.

I wonder, do other races think this way for the most part? Do white people, for example chalk up their bad experiences with people of similar race to their reason for dating out? :scratchch Hypothetical question, why don't I swear off men and become a lesbian because men did me wrong..or swear off people in general because a person did me wrong. Is this thinking a really effective way to rationalize dating out? Don't get me wrong, you can date out but why are the explanations needed?

 

[Raspberry]

Physically I'm attracted to all races of men pretty equally but I feel more of an emotional/personality connection with non-black men. Of course I could meet a black guy tomorrow who could totally change that. Everyone has their preferences but I just try to be open.

Now this is the impression I usually get from black women I know who don't date black men. Saying they're not attracted to them usually boils down to the bolded IMO.

 

[SND411]

I wonder, do other races think this way for the most part? Do white people, for example chalk up their bad experiences with people of similar race to their reason for dating out? :scratchch Hypothetical question, why don't I swear off men and become a lesbian because men did me wrong..or swear off people in general because a person did me wrong. Is this thinking a really effective way to rationalize dating out? Don't get me wrong, you can date out but why are the explanatoions needed?

VERY good question. I think society's general view of a people comes into play here. The media/society, at least in the United States, at large often paints a negative brush over black people and all things black. Because of this, it is easier to believe in the worst of a certain race/ethnicity when a member of this group does you foul.

With other groups, people are constantly reinforced that "not all of them are like that..." by being provided with numerous examples that go against their personal experiences.

 

[yokoyokogirl]

I don't see many Black men, where I'm living now. The ones I do meet are married, hoes, or gay. Very rarely do I meet a Black man who is in my age group and not fitting into one of the above, sadly.

My current SO like the last two is Japanese. I guess, it's due to my location...

But I LOVE me some Black men...don't get it twisted!!!!

 

[8HoursFromHome]

There's a lot of double talk in this post, no shade. How does the red lead to the green? And if she needs all her strength to be with a certain kind of man, she would be with the WRONG kind of man.

Yes, that is true. I finally understand this. She has been irreparably damaged by what has happened to her (we have spoken about this). I, on the other hand, am much more resilient.

 

[comatose]

Yeah, I definitely know what you mean! My dating life has been the way it is due to all the cases I mentioned, to various degrees for each. I see cute some bm...but then I figure that he'd probably laugh when he learned that my favorite artists were Simon & Garfunkel. lol. Thus, I'm not attracted to those with whom I'm almost 100% sure I cannot connect most of the time. Cultural differences have been the barrier for me, so much so that I don't even bother checking out bm anymore, I don't even care what they look like anymore, I stopped caring to date them (preferentially) so I stopped looking their way ... cultural similarities are a big part of attraction.

You never know though. My cousin is one of the most "hood" looking people but he appreciates some of my "quirky" music and even bought a CD for himself, once. I think open-mindedness is a huge factor, not necessarily having someone that likes the same things you do.

 

[GaiasDaughter24]

Yeah, I definitely know what you mean! My dating life has been the way it is due to all the cases I mentioned, to various degrees for each. I see cute some bm...but then I figure that he'd probably laugh when he learned that my favorite artists were Simon & Garfunkel. lol. Thus, I'm not attracted to those with whom I'm almost 100% sure I cannot connect most of the time. Cultural differences have been the barrier for me, so much so that I don't even bother checking out bm anymore, I don't even care what they look like anymore, I stopped caring to date them (preferentially) so I stopped looking their way ... cultural similarities are a big part of attraction.

I never gave my DH a second glance until I sat down one night and talked to him one-on-one. I found out we had the same goals, the same taste in music, the same love of anime. I'd never met a black guy like that. Then again, my DH is biracial and was raised as a white child. His father made sure of that. So that may have something to do with it as well. I'm just glad I was receptive to him beacause if he had approached me 2 yrs prior, I wouldn't have given him the time of day. I don't appreciate being laughed at because I LOVED Nsync and blast Seether on the regular. Not to mention the way I speak

 

[Raspberry]

Yeah, I definitely know what you mean! My dating life has been the way it is due to all the cases I mentioned, to various degrees for each. I see cute some bm...but then I figure that he'd probably laugh when he learned that my favorite artists were Simon & Garfunkel. lol. Thus, I'm not attracted to those with whom I'm almost 100% sure I cannot connect most of the time. Cultural differences have been the barrier for me, so much so that I don't even bother checking out bm anymore, I don't even care what they look like anymore, I stopped caring to date them (preferentially) so I stopped looking their way ... cultural similarities are a big part of attraction.

This is interesting to me - as a nerdy black chick with a variety of interests I've still found black men to click with. I did have periods where I felt insecure about being too quirky, too analytical, INTP, whatever, for a lot of black men. I ultimately concluded that everyone isn't for everybody and finding the right type of man is not easy for most women regardless of personality. I just happen to meet black men once in a while (definitely not everyday but that's life) who are my feelin my brand and I like theirs too.

I've heard a lot of "nerdy" black men complain about not being able to find black women who appreciate them and while they often sound whiny, I can understand that it may just be easier for them to date non-black instead of working harder to find a black woman who fits their lifestyle or worldview. Many people will take the easiest route to contentment...I can't hate on that. Same thing for bw who find it easier to connect with wm.

 

[8HoursFromHome]

I wonder, do other races think this way for the most part? Do white people, for example chalk up their bad experiences with people of similar race to their reason for dating out? :scratchch Hypothetical question, why don't I swear off men and become a lesbian because men did me wrong..or swear off people in general because a person did me wrong. Is this thinking a really effective way to rationalize dating out? Don't get me wrong, you can date out but why are the explanations needed?

I tried to rationalize my sister's actions all of my life. That's where I went wrong. She was/is acting purely from an emotional standpoint...and you cannot rationalize emotions...

 

[comatose]

I tried to rationalize my sister's actions all of my life. That's where I went wrong. She was/is acting purely from an emotional standpoint...and you cannot rationalize emotions...

You're right. You can't rationalize emotions. But it bothers me that the emotions are being felt from a racial standpoint. I hardly hear of this in other communities, I'm sure it does happen but this seems to be on a larger scale in the black community. People get abused by men/women of their race but the outcome is more likely them becoming mistrustful of that sex. I am not originally from the US but have lived here for a while, maybe I can never understand.

 

[8HoursFromHome]

^^ That's because no other race has been demonized like ours...

 

[8HoursFromHome]

other races will place the blame where it needs to go, mental illness, environmental damage, etc. Black people (especially men) are supposed to be bad...

 

[Raspberry]

You're right. You can't rationalize emotions. But it bothers me that the emotions are being felt from a racial standpoint. I hardly hear of this in other communities, I'm sure it does happen but this seems to be on a larger scale in the black community. People get abused by men/women of their race but the outcome is more likely them becoming mistrustful of that sex. I am not originally from the US but have lived here for a while, maybe I can never understand.

I don't really know if we can say how someone should react to the opposite sex when sexually abused. I'm more disturbed that the abuse happened at a all and is still affecting the woman way more than her avoiding black men or black people. That stuff is a bi-product, displacedcreole's sister needs help getting healing from the root issue: abuse.

 

[8HoursFromHome]

I don't really know if we can say how someone should react to the opposite sex when sexually abused. I'm more disturbed that the abuse happened at a all and is still affecting the woman way more than her avoiding black men or black people. That stuff is a bi-product, displacedcreole's sister needs help getting healing from the root issue: abuse.

You are absolutely right, she does need to heal. I have been able to identify and address my issues with my abusers, She chose to close the door on them. This is why I was so critical of her. She has always been super-sensitive. She's a year older than me...when she first went to school (kindergarten), she was constantly picked on. My mother decided to send me to school to 'protect' her. I'm sad that she's in the state she's in. I think that black men are wonderful and that they (mostly) are labeled unfairly. I really wanted her to see this but I cannot push her in that direction. She must go of her own volition. This runs very deep with her, she's never even wanted to have kids...

 

[Sianna]

I'm no longer dating (in a long-term relationship) but when I was, I dated black men exclusively. I simply am not attracted to the lighter complexions and features of other races of men. *shrugs*

I can appreciate that some men of other races are nice looking, but honestly, the idea of being with a non-black man, on an intimate level it... kinda grosses me out! I'm just saying!

Do not judge me!

 

[DirtyJerzeyGirly]

I don't date bm. Never have. While I find bm very attractive (esp. if he's dark skin with dreads down his back!) I'm not attractive to them sexually or in that way.

 

[CurlyMoo]

I think it all boils down to, "I want what I want and I'm free to choose who I want."

I find black men attractive but I don't see a reason why I have to date them if I want other. Whatever the reasoning behind it, it's about what we want. Furthermore, I don't understand why in a culturally and racially diverse socieity we still have people surprised that there are those who have physical/racial and intellectial preferences.

 

[Katherina]

I don't really know if we can say how someone should react to the opposite sex when sexually abused. I'm more disturbed that the abuse happened at a all and is still affecting the woman way more than her avoiding black men or black people. That stuff is a bi-product, displacedcreole's sister needs help getting healing from the root issue: abuse.

Thank you for this post. The root issue is abuse. It's not about how society views blacks. She was directly abused by black men, and she established connections at a young age before she could rationalize about race as adults do. Children simply do not see the world in the same way as adults do, and childhood abuse affects the victim throughout life.

I wonder, do other races think this way for the most part? Do white people, for example chalk up their bad experiences with people of similar race to their reason for dating out? :scratchch Hypothetical question, why don't I swear off men and become a lesbian because men did me wrong..or swear off people in general because a person did me wrong. Is this thinking a really effective way to rationalize dating out? Don't get me wrong, you can date out but why are the explanations needed?

The type of situation displacedcreole described doesn't vibe to an explanation involving societal views of the black race. Black men (in their own family) abused them during their childhood in several different ways. It outwardly affected her sister, who chooses not to date black men. (I will also add that she and her sister have two distinct personalities so they reacted differently. Their differing reactions aren't necessarily because of internal strength or better reasoning abilities of one over the other either.)

The sister's reaction is NOT because of society's view of blacks. They both had a first-hand experience with blacks when they were children. Their experiences were largely negative. This could have happened to anyone, regardless of race.

Pour example: A black (or white) woman could have the same reaction as displacedcreole's sister to an older white man because an older white man abused her when she was a child - or she could respond as displacedcreole did. Media and society love old white men. Abuse that happens during childhood can't be rationalized in an adult way.

 

[preciouslove0x]

I'm no longer dating (in a long-term relationship) but when I was, I dated black men exclusively. I simply am not attracted to the lighter complexions and features of other races of men. *shrugs*

I can appreciate that some men of other races are nice looking, but honestly, the idea of being with a non-black man, on an intimate level it... kinda grosses me out! I'm just saying!

Do not judge me!

I'm the exact same way. I don't know what my problem is. If I should call it that.... I would like to try to open up to other races but I can't even imagine kissing a wm. Strange. My only preference is a dark chocolate man with pearly white teeth.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

This is interesting to me - as a nerdy black chick with a variety of interests I've still found black men to click with. I did have periods where I felt insecure about being too quirky, too analytical, INTP, whatever, for a lot of black men. I ultimately concluded that everyone isn't for everybody and finding the right type of man is not easy for most women regardless of personality. I just happen to meet black men once in a while (definitely not everyday but that's life) who are my feelin my brand and I like theirs too.

I've heard a lot of "nerdy" black men complain about not being able to find black women who appreciate them and while they often sound whiny, I can understand that it may just be easier for them to date non-black instead of working harder to find a black woman who fits their lifestyle or worldview. Many people will take the easiest route to contentment...I can't hate on that. Same thing for bw who find it easier to connect with wm.

There are many different factors at play and it isn't about being "lazy" or "working hard" to find a black mate who has similar interests to yourself. I come across a handful of black men and women like myself, but where I live--it is not very often I'll run into that many black people OR white people with whom I share a connection. If I were to move elsewhere I might come across more men like myself--black and white--but it just is not happening here. So while some quirky black women can find enough quirky black men in their town or city, that isn't always the case everywhere. Sometimes color has to take a backseat to compatibility.

 

[BroadstreetBully]

While I cringe at the idea of a black person not being attracted to other black people (we're so hot ), I wonder if this mindset will become more common with black women as black men become more invisible in our communities? I don't think the ladies who have been honest in this thread regarding their lack of attraction to black men grew up fatherless, but I question the impact that this trend could have in the future. Then we have some famous, prominent black men openly showing appreciation towards non-black women in every form of media and young black girls see this and start to feel abandonment in many different forms. I don't consider "white men" to be the answer, but I can understand how some young black girls coming up today might eventually start to feel that way. The black community is becoming more divided and while some will shout "conspiracy" we have done a lot of this to ourselves.