Crystalicequeen123
Well-Known Member
Hi ladies, I’m a long time LHCF lurker, and I just got a paid membership here so I’m excited to chat with you all! I need some support though....I struggle in the dating department.
I’m an early 30 something, no kids, never married, college grad, financially stable, and I’m pretty darn attractive in my opinion. .. I have lots of hobbies and interests, a good social life, drug and alcohol free etc…..But none of that seems to matter in the world of dating. I’ve been single for years now. I was with a good man for about 7 years, but we grew apart in 2007, but we remain friends! I’ve been in a good relationship so I have expectations of how I want to be treated. I like chivalry and being courted. I dont deal with drama.
Since 2007 I’ve dated numerous men, and things just don’t work out. I do a lot of self reflection. I think about what I could have done differently, etc and I’m just stuck. I’m starting to think that God doesn’t have a mate for me. I’ve never used men, I’ve never cheated, I treat people well. I’ve been celibate for a long time. Where is my future husband? I’ve asked God every day of my life for him…I pray about him… I try to speak it into existence. I’m losing hope.
I believe my standards are realistic. I like college educated men, God fearing, professionals, 0 to 1 kids, with a penis, and that are still breathing, with good communication skills, and that knows how to be a friend and love… That’s about it. I meet many Black men that almost fit this description…except for the friendship/ love part. It seems like these so called classy Black men don’t know how to be chivalrous; they don’t want to court a good lady… They want to text or facebook instead of calling… They don’t want to put any effort in, but expect so so so much from a woman at the beginning.
I’m a happy go lucky person, so to the outside world I try to hide the pain….And I try to strong. I am normally the support system for my friends, especially when they have low points, issues, and men problems. They call me because I always know what to say and comfort them. But now I need some support that they can’t provide. What do you do when you lose all hope in finding a mate????? Do I need to lower my standards at this point? Im so prayed out.
Many people say: continue to pray on it, live life and it will happen, Be the best person you can be, etc…… But do I have to wait until I’m 70 years old to find a man?
greenmetro99
Omg OP, I could have writte this very post verbatim (especially the bolded parts).....I almost had to do a double take and re-read it to make sure it wasn't me who posted it lol!!!!!
And judging from all of the "Thanks", many of us on here have felt the same way you do before, so you are definitely NOT alone.
Omg I COMPLETELY agree with this!
It's so true! Even my roommate told me this. I told her the other day that I just "give up". 
I give up looking, I give up hoping, and I give up trying to control things. I'm just sick and tired. I just prayed to God and have put it firmly in HIS hands. You know what my roomie said? She said: "that is PRECISELY when you will find someone.....when you AREN'T looking..." She said that's when she found her now current bf. She was so tired of the dating scene. Then the guy she's dating now is someone we met through friends while going to karaoke events every month. So I definitely think you end up with someone at places that you frequent lol. 
I'm going to STILL go out, be sociable, meet new people, be friendly, warm, outgoing,optimistic, and open, but these days I've given up all of the "looking".
I think that when you're "looking", it can give off a desperate vibe.....even if you don't feel desperate. 
Especially for women. Because if you think about it, the woman is essentially the "prize". I read a great quote the other day online, it said: "The treasure doesn't do the hunting...." I thought that was an excellent quote because it's so true! 
About a month ago I imagined myself at 80 years old, laying on my death bed, never married, no kids, no husband, not even a bf or a boy-toy lol
, and I asked myself....."if I were to die alone at an old age never having married or had kids, would it be such a BAD thing???" When I REALLY thought deeply about it,I realized that no it wouldn't! There are SO many other things in this life that are so much more important (and maybe even more fulfilling) than being married. Knowing myself, I would have lived my 30s, 40s, 50s and maybe even 60s going out, doing things, traveling, seeing the world, taking cruises, being around good friends and family, volunteering and doing community service,strengthening my relationship with God, and just ENJOYING LIFE!!!!! So when I thought about THAT way, it as almost like the fear and anxiety immediately went away, because for the FIRST time in my life, I wasn't fighting my single status.....I was embracing it. From that day onward it was like my whole outlook changed. Yes I want be married for sure, but even if I imagined my fears right down to the end, it wouldn't be so bad. I think you only feel bad if you make up negative reasons for WHY you're still single. Being single in itself isn't a disease that needs an immediate cure. These days I'm just focusing more on ME, doing things for myself, improving myself, and just trying to be the best me that I can be. Really working on pampering myself too lol.
So, Idk if it's the "Secret" or the LOA out what, but usually you DO tend to attract to you what you want when you aren't looking and when you aren't even giving a care in the world. What you focus on becomes your reality. What you resist persists. Remember that. When I look back, most of the guys that liked me out that I crushed on or dated came into my life when I was just busy, out minding my own business, and HAPPY with my life!
So sometimes it really is the vibe that you're putting out. It's even unattractive when a guy is desperate and you can tell that he just wants ANY woman and he's all quick to try to make you his gf or wife. So please stay optimistic OP! Lately I've been just imagining that I already have a nice loving bf, and I've been feeling MUCH more carefree and HAPPY.
You always feel SO much more light and airy, free and comfortable when you're already in a relationship.....I can't explain it. But you can recreate those feelings right now! Because I'll let you in on a little secret......your brain doesn't know the difference between what's real, and what's imagined. 
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