Do you not date black men?

[Princess4real]

How did I miss this thread? LoL That daggone Fantasia and those threads

 

[*CherryPie*]

Not true........because i'm not a black man.

just kidding.

I’m just curious as I’ve been surprised by some members saying they don’t find black men attractive. To me, it’s like saying you don’t find yourself attractive.

 

[Raspberry]

There are many different factors at play and it isn't about being "lazy" or "working hard" to find a black mate who has similar interests to yourself. I come across a handful of black men and women like myself, but where I live--it is not very often I'll run into that many black people OR white people with whom I share a connection. If I were to move elsewhere I might come across more men like myself--black and white--but it just is not happening here. So while some quirky black women can find enough quirky black men in their town or city, that isn't always the case everywhere. Sometimes color has to take a backseat to compatibility.

I'm not saying that finding an ideal black mate is just a matter of not being lazy about searching, that's an oversimplification. When I say "working hard" I mean doing things that may be unreasonable or drastic to the average person - like moving to another state or dedicating yourself to long distance online dating, both of which may be very uncomfortable things to do for an individual. In that context it is understandable and easier for some people to date a compatible and accessible person of a different race/culture rather than go through all of that.

I definitely agree that compatibility is the most important thing in the big picture and that color may be one of the lesser things that can be taken off the list.

I can't absolutely say that there's enough black men where I live for every type of black woman or vice versa. I tend to believe there are, just that they have a hard time finding each other.

 

[Okay]

.............

 

[LivingDol1]

interesting thread.

i've never dated a black guy. can't say i never will but chances are pretty slim.

i grew up going to majority white schools. my friends were majority white, hispanic, asian, other.... college and my work environment are also the same. not very many black people (or straight men for that matter). the only men who approach me in a genuine respectable way are white men. i haven't met a black guy who comes from the same background, education level, etc as myself. the only black guys who pay me any attention are the ones that yell "hey shorty" or "light skin" on the street and then proceed to curse me out when i don't respond to them. why should i wait around to date that?!

i should also add that my family has a lot of racial mixing. light to dark. kinky hair to straight hair. blue, green and brown eyes. nobody frowns upon interracial dating or marriage in my family. we'd all be hypocrites.

 

[*CherryPie*]

I don't find most black men attractive. Not even the ones on TV that gets so much attention from this board.

I just don't.....and why do we have to?

 

[comatose]

Your earlier post:



I responded as I did earlier for two main reasons: in the post above it seems like you are trying to apply an impossible line of reasoning to child abuse, and because I didn't agree with the turn of the thread.



A child victim protects herself against further abuse in the best way she knows how (albeit irrationally to adults) - by avoiding reminders of abuse. Although the child's post-abuse environmental influences (included among these is a racist society) may perpetuate her "anti-black" stereotype later on in life, the child's initial anti-black reaction is not more frequent merely because she had a black abuser. If a black man's black victim appears more determinedly racist or self-hating than a white man's white victim, it is due to a sea of interwoven experiences and thought patterns that likely began as a coping mechanism in early childhood.

Those questions I asked were very broad. I didn't even mention child abuse, someone did use that as an example and I allowed myself to get sucked into that discussion. I cannot claim to know much about the thinking behind child abuse victims and I don't even know why we are debating this. I was musing in a very general way and bringing another perspective to the discussion. Please respect that.

 

[HennaRo]

I don't find most black men attractive. Not even the ones on TV that gets so much attention from this board.

I just don't.....and why do we have to?

I can understand where your coming from.

It can be very annoying and perplexing as to why people feel the need to tell me there is something wrong with my decision. It is my life and I should be able to choose for whatever reason who I am going to spend my time and life with.

 

[*CherryPie*]

Exactly!!

I can understand where your coming from.

It can be very annoying and perplexing as to why people feel the need to tell me there is something wrong with my decision. It is my life and I should be able to choose for whatever reason who I am going to spend my time and life with.

 

[Enyo]

As I get older, less and less Black men catch my eye.

 

[Dare~to~Dream]

As I get older, less and less Black men catch my eye.

I'd have to agree with this...don't get me wrong....I love a good looking darker-skinned Black man...just don't see many that I'm attractive to these days. However, no White men (interracial dating is a no-no for the most part here anyway) or any other race/ethnicity of men catch my eye either. I really need to move.

 

[hasabe]

This is a REALLY interesting discussion. Partly because I have come across some postings that imply exactly what the OP said. But unlike the OP, I don't assume it boils down to race or even that this person hates herself but at times I wonder, I just wonder, what could make this person make such a bold statement like "I"m not attracted to ...." Because really how can you base your assessment on about x amount of men in the same region?

First off, I am supportive of IR relationships because I know none of us would look the way we did if there wasn't some intermixing involved. No one is pure this, pure that. Shoot, white people aren't even pure white--they were black at some point to but I'm not going to go into that right now.

I personally don't limit myself to racial preference...my attraction is based on what catches my eye. It's a shame when people limit themselves they really don't know what they're missing. Plus, I don't think it's productive to label a person just because of their race--especially when you haven't dated/known/spoken to/seen EVERY SINGLE PERSON that belongs to that race. You are allowed to have a preference but not when you are clearly blinded by a bias (i.e. socially constructed bias) .

Africa, the home of black men, is a diverse continent where you will see a variety of looks, cultures etc. This also applies to the states. You really can't say you've sworn off black men when really there are so many different types black men. I'm going to need you (in general) to be a little more specific and a little less biased. That be it.

And I loves me all kinds of men .

I really need to move.

Yes, this exactly. You basically said what I was trying to get at in a sentence.

 

[pisceschica]

While I cringe at the idea of a black person not being attracted to other black people (we're so hot ), I wonder if this mindset will become more common with black women as black men become more invisible in our communities? I don't think the ladies who have been honest in this thread regarding their lack of attraction to black men grew up fatherless, but I question the impact that this trend could have in the future. Then we have some famous, prominent black men openly showing appreciation towards non-black women in every form of media and young black girls see this and start to feel abandonment in many different forms. I don't consider "white men" to be the answer, but I can understand how some young black girls coming up today might eventually start to feel that way. The black community is becoming more divided and while some will shout "conspiracy" we have done a lot of this to ourselves.

That is how I feel. I feel like for many black women under the age of say 30 have a lesser chance of dating and eventually marrying a black man the same age.

In colleges and with some high schoolers I see in the mall there are a disprportionate amount of black males dating outside of their race. If the girl is black she's usually mixed race. Some of these young black women may feel they have a better chance of an eventual marriage if they open their options to non-black men.

Considering the professional enviornment that I work in I would probably have a higher chance of hooking up with a non-black man I don't hate black men or anything but a growing number of them have no qualms about verbally expressing their preference for non-black women. So I don't even give a second thought when I hear a black women verbally express preference for non-black men.

To answer the OP I don't see anything wrong with someone who has a physical preference for someone that is not of the same race. It's just a personal preference. I can personally say I don't care for men that are too dark or fairskinned. I prefer olive/mixed with black to medium brown complected men. I don't really want my SO's complexion to have a sharp contrast to mine.

 

[StopMakingSense]

I grew up exclusively dating white men because they were around. My current SO is as black as I have gotten. He is biracial. I am attracted to all men that have qualities that I like. It really isn't about race for me, but more about general compatibility.

And yes, I can't help but give the side eye to people that don't give others the chance because of their race. That seems... off

 

[Nina_deF]

This is a REALLY interesting discussion. Partly because I have come across some postings that imply exactly what the OP said. But unlike the OP, I don't assume it boils down to race or even that this person hates herself but at times I wonder, I just wonder, what could make this person make such a bold statement like "I"m not attracted to ...." Because really how can you base your assessment on about x amount of men in the same region?

I have to say that I am not attracted to biracial men.
As biracial myself I guess that doesn't look to good but they simple do nothing (sexually atraction wise) to me.

Do I hate myself?
No.
But I have never really cared for my skintone (unless I'm tanned), I've always wanted to be darker so I assume that has something to do with it.

I also have an aversion towards pale men that are hairless though.
It reminds me of my brothers or sons. Now if he is dark chocolate no hair is needed.

I have been asked if I am racist by friends trying to set me up with mixed race (blk/yt) men but it is simply my preference.

I was once shown a picture of a beautiful dark man and decided to meet him. Turned out the picture was from summer and it being winter he was a less than lovely shade of greyish green, adorned only by ingrown hairs from using the wrong razor. He was nice and all but nada chemistry for my part.

Do I want to spend time "trying" or giving it one more chance again?
Nope.

And I am old enough to know what I want and to choose whom gets the little free time I have.

 

[qchelle]

^^^ what if you met a dark-skinned bi-racial man? (I know a few of these) Would you automatically say no beacuse he's bi-racial?

 

[azuquita_morena]

This is me! I'm still not totally sure why either . . .

To answer the OP I don't see anything wrong with someone who has a physical preference for someone that is not of the same race. It's just a personal preference. I can personally say I don't care for men that are too dark or fairskinned. I prefer olive/mixed with black to medium brown complected men. I don't really want my SO's complexion to have a sharp contrast to mine.

 

[jennboo]

Hmmmm. Trying to figure out how to take the responses in this thread.

 

[Nina_deF]

^^^ what if you met a dark-skinned bi-racial man? (I know a few of these) Would you automatically say no beacuse he's bi-racial?

No, I would not say no..... I don't think.....

I'm just saying that appearance-wise I don't like pale black men either.
So it's not the mixed race thing, it's the hairless, greyish/green thing.... I guess......... But most of the male biracial (blk/white) actors are nonos for me!

 

[qchelle]

No, I would not say no..... I don't think.....

I'm just saying that appearance-wise I don't like pale black men either.
So it's not the mixed race thing, it's the hairless, greyish/green thing.... I guess......... But most of the male biracial (blk/white) actors are nonos for me!

You don't think? What would it depend on? I'm saying if he was milk-dark chocolate....
___________

I've never had any in-depth conversations about phenotype preferences with anyone IRL. I didn't know that alot of people had all of these strong/immovable preferences. My preference is hot and sexy
But I'm thoroughly enjoying the conversation. I love getting new perspectives on things!

 

[DirtyJerzeyGirly]

@ The bolded is where I am now. It's also why, IRL, I don't like to discuss this issue with people whom are not on the same page as I am. I have to know my audience and adjust my speech accordingly, because I really don't want to hear ignorant statements or argue with someone about my personal choices.

It's funny because I have heard all my life women saying how much they love dark skinned men and light skinned men and WM are "out of style", "whack", not "masculine" enough for them, and etc, and no one would bat an eye. Yet, when a woman states her preference to be a light skinned or and non-BM, then everyone is quick to label the woman self-hating? I am fully aware of colorism within our community, but I do think not all women who have such a preference are self-hating as some have illustrated in this thread.

I personally love men of all races/cultures, but it tends to be that I am more attracted light-skinned or tanned non-BM (especially Latin men). I am also least attracted to American, non-Latino white & black men. I think some of that had to do with past negative experiences, but most of it has to do with being interesting in other cultures and wanting to have a bi or multi-cultural/lingual family in the future. In any event, I have learned to not make assumptions about people based on their personal beliefs and decisions, but rather try to understand their point of view.

I feel you in the bolded. The majority of my friends don't feel the same way I feel; however, I am thankful that I have two friends that feels the same way I feel.

 

[Ashleescheveux]

I appreciate and date attractive men, point blank. Most people are surprised that I dabble into non-black men too but I dont judge who I'll date based on race.

 

[FebeeSigns]

lol Nevermind for me too

 

[NYLegalNewbie]

Caution - I haven't read through this whole thread, so don't thrash me if I'm just repeating what other people said.

I think it's one thing to say that you don't meet a lot of black men who you want to date. That's the case for me - I simply don't meet black men who I really want to date. This mostly has to do with circumstances (where I work, where I live, my friends, where I hang out, etc). Also, personality wise, I just seem to get along a bit more easily with White men than I do any other group. It's probably because growing up, most of my guy friends were White.

But it's a completely different thing to say "I don't date Black men." That statement just conveys a whole different level of meaning. To me, it conveys exclusion and disdain, and those are the types of things that would lead me to believe that there's something else going on beneath the surface.

Will write more later...have to get back to work

 

[jennboo]

I think it is ludicrous to only (exclusively, without exception) date one race of people...that goes for black women who only date white men AND black women who only date black men...but honestly, sad as it may be, i can see why black women nowadays may be more inclined to do the former :/

As for the whole physical attraction thing, every person with a pulse can acknolwedge attractiveness in someone regardless of race/SES...though they might not consider these people for a relationship...heck there are a couple of handsome-faced hood guys around my way that i would not touch with a ten foot pole.

I have a lot more to say about this.

 

[Syrah]

I think it is ludicrous to only (exclusively, without exception) date one race of people...that goes for black women who only date white men AND black women who only date black men...but honestly, sad as it may be, i can see why black women nowadays may be more inclined to do the former :/

As for the whole physical attraction thing, every person with a pulse can acknolwedge attractiveness in someone regardless of race/SES...though they might not consider these people for a relationship...heck there are a couple of handsome-faced hood guys around my way that i would not touch with a ten foot pole.

I have a lot more to say about this.

I find it interesting that we find it ludicrous to limit ourselves, when in a lot of other cultures its expected. My best friend is Persian and dates all over the place, but in her house and amongst her parents and family friend, it is assumed that she will marry Persian. Jews do it. Asians do it (especially those that are first generation). My Indian friends - even those first and second generation - are serious about it. They'll date whatever and whomever they want. But they know when it comes time to "putting a ring on it" he/she had better be Indian!

I think the distinction is whether someone believes there is something worth preserving or perpetuating. Frankly, I don't see it as any different than dating within certain education or SES brackets.

I go to school with beautiful chocolate sister who only dates white men. Not intentionally, but she says they seem to be more persistent. With her, black men will look, will approach, will have a conversation but it never goes beyond one date.

I'm the exact opposite LOL. Non-blacks will come and strike up a conversation and it might go a date or two, but never beyond that. The brothers have always been more persistent...

 

[ebonylocs]

The type of situation displacedcreole described doesn't vibe to an explanation involving societal views of the black race. Black men (in their own family) abused them during their childhood in several different ways. It outwardly affected her sister, who chooses not to date black men. (I will also add that she and her sister have two distinct personalities so they reacted differently. Their differing reactions aren't necessarily because of internal strength or better reasoning abilities of one over the other either.)

The sister's reaction is NOT because of society's view of blacks. They both had a first-hand experience with blacks when they were children. Their experiences were largely negative. This could have happened to anyone, regardless of race..

I don't think omak's explanation is so off-base. I think that being part of a society that ascribes certain characteristics to *race* will definitely be a contributing factor to a decision to shun all men of a particular race because of what was done to you by an individual man / men of that race. You would not have the same reaction in a monoracial society or a society in which race is not viewed in such an essentialist way. I know that as someone who grew up in a black society with black people of all social strata, professions, intelligence levels, behaviours and tastes around me, it often surprises me to see on this board the characteristics that people ascribe to race. When you're not measuring yourself against other races, differences in behaviour get ascribed to differences in class, education, home training, personality, and, importantly, individual character, not to race. When you take the race route, often something that someone does wrong because they are a flawed *human being* gets interpreted as something they do because they are *black*. For e.g. when e-fights break out on the board you might get comments about how catty and competitive black women are, whereas if, like me, you have participated in boards where the majority of users are white males, you will see the same cattiness, pettiness, bickering and cantankerous behaviour, to the nth degree.

To tell you the truth I've never seen ANY say or post or imply their not attracted to black men at all. After all, you'd have to be dead not to be attracted to Shemare Moore.

Sorry, but I don't think Shemar Moore is a good example at all, at all. Many BM-appreciating women, like me, do not find him in any way attractive.


To answer the question: All my SOs have been black, but I have dated a couple of white guys casually. I have my preferences: I *tend* not to find East Asian, very pale black guys or blonds attractive. But there are exceptions to every rule - I have def. met individual guys in those groups that I've been attracted to. So "tend" is as strong as I can state. I could never say in blanket terms that I don't date X race of men, because if I meet a man from X race and we are compatible and for whatever reason the pheromones are popping, then I'm going with it. I can't write off any group because:
1) my physical prefs are not absolute and set in stone, and
2) IME there is no perfect correlation between particular races and the particular behaviours & character traits that I find attractive (or in fact, any behaviour / character trait)

____________________________
On another note: Querying something does not necessarily = attacking it. Some queries are made purely in the spirit of curiosity, learning, discovery, discussion. If someone asks why the sky is blue although the air is colourless, it doesn't necessarily mean that she hates that it's blue and would prefer that it be colourless. Maybe she just wants to understand.

 

[LunadeMiel]

This thread is making me want to choose VERY carefully where I raise my children I would hate for my children to not want to marry other blacks

When I was single, I dated all types of men (biracial, Indian, white, Jewish) but I knew if I married for love it would be a black man. I find all men attractive and am capable of being attracted to any man but choosing to be with a black man was more important to me.

If I were ever to be single again, I would marry another black man (I would make an exception for Enrique Iglesias though )

 

[LunadeMiel]

I find it interesting that we find it ludicrous to limit ourselves, when in a lot of other cultures its expected. My best friend is Persian and dates all over the place, but in her house and amongst her parents and family friend, it is assumed that she will marry Persian. Jews do it. Asians do it (especially those that are first generation). My Indian friends - even those first and second generation - are serious about it. They'll date whatever and whomever they want. But they know when it comes time to "putting a ring on it" he/she had better be Indian!

I think the distinction is whether someone believes there is something worth preserving or perpetuating. Frankly, I don't see it as any different than dating within certain education or SES brackets.

I go to school with beautiful chocolate sister who only dates white men. Not intentionally, but she says they seem to be more persistent. With her, black men will look, will approach, will have a conversation but it never goes beyond one date.

I'm the exact opposite LOL. Non-blacks will come and strike up a conversation and it might go a date or two, but never beyond that. The brothers have always been more persistent...

Exactly. In other cultures it's expected. I only find that black folks find it distasteful for a black person to only want to date black. I have my theories though

 

[SND411]

Exactly. In other cultures it's expected. I only find that black folks find it distasteful for a black person to only want to date black. I have my theories though

Please tell.