Cut Buddy

[SurferBabe]

Samantha: the real feminist.

I couldn't stand Samantha. She seemed like the thirstiest one of them all. I wish her character would have been more of a temptress/maneater type. She was chasing men down for sex vs. making them chase and pursue her.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Plenty of folks are fine with sex as exchange.

My thing is...it's inconsistent to say "casual sex ruins marriage" in one breath and then champion sex for cash in the next. Either casual sex ruins marriage or it doesn't. What the woman does or doesn't get out of it is irrelevant to men.

ok, let's keep it frank.

@Southernbella.

You have a fairly happy and stable marriage it seems. Your hubby is super handsome, you're a gorgeous lady and now you two have been married for a minute with beautiful children. So tell me, how does/did casual sex serve to your benefit as a single woman, as a woman in search of husband and/or as a married woman? Were you a casual sexer? did causal sex help you marry? does casual sex play an important role now that you are married?

where are the success stories?

 

[ChasingBliss]

Welp, this thread took a turn....

But I like it.

 

[FelaShrine]

I couldn't stand Samantha. She seemed like the thirstiest one of them all. I wish her character would have been more of a temptress/maneater type. She was chasing men down for sex vs. making them chase and pursue her.

can you name a maneater type in any of those type shows

The ones casted to be the 'slut" of the group usually went after the men. Blacnhe ran after men. so did Samantha and well in the Girlfriends version..that would be Lynn? but Lynn was embarrassing cos all her dudes were broke.

 

[Southernbella.]

ok, let's keep it frank.

@Southernbella.

You have a fairly happy and stable marriage it seems. Your hubby is super handsome, you're a gorgeous lady and now you two have been married for a minute with beautiful children. So tell me, how does/did casual sex serve to your benefit as a single woman, as a woman in search of husband and/or as a married woman? Were you a casual sexer? did causal sex help you marry? does casual sex play an important role now that you are married?

Thanks.

Casual sex didn't factor into my story with dh but the meaning I attached to sex took me down a bad path before dh. If I had been MORE casual and felt less shame about premarital sex, I would have been able to disentangle myself from a destructive relationship I spent way too much time in. I don't want to get into it but I really should have hit it and quit it.

 

[Southernbella.]

Exactly.

Geisha life >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> random cutbuddy situation IMO. lol

I agree.

 

[aribell]

Sorry but it's nonsense to say a woman can't consign another woman who doesn't live the life she does. If Sally did get married at 19 and had 3 kids and the picket fence, why can't she support Janice who wants to be an international play girl? Living the life that YOU are satisfied with and allowing others to live theres makes total sense. That's like saying you can't have a true friendship with someone who leads a different life with different choices

People can affirm things and say it's not for them

People can affirm whatever they want. But there is the phrase telling you to look at what someone does more than what they say to figure out what people really think is true. It's easy to say "You go girl!" and watch someone make an absolute fool of themselves or walk a path that will clearly end in disappointment for them.
_________________________________
Like I said, a lot of younger women are just doing whatever they've been told shows they are empowered without a clue about how that's likely to ultimately turn out.

You have maybe 1 out of 10 who genuinely have unconventional desires. And for some reason those exceptions are held up as an example, which is problematic because people with unconventional desires live unconventional lives and are genuinely happy with that. But if you want a conventional happily ever after (and most women do sooner or later), you'd be better off following a conventional path to get there, otherwise you're compromising your ability to get what you ultimately want most.

And yes, we've had threads about whether sluts marry, and from what I recall, even where that was the case most of the times the hubbys were in the dark about the details of his wife`s sexual past. In addition to the free sex, men still can be judgmental about women and sex. And of course most affirm sexual freedom for women (makes things much easier for them), but at the same time they are enjoying the easy sex, a lot of times they don't respect the women they've been with enough to actually devote themselves to them as a husband.

 

[SurferBabe]

Plenty of folks are fine with sex as exchange.

My thing is...it's inconsistent to say "casual sex ruins marriage" in one breath and then champion sex for cash in the next. Either casual sex ruins marriage or it doesn't. What the woman does or doesn't get out of it is irrelevant to men.

I don't believe casual sex ruins marriage at all. You could have 30+ sex partners and still get married. I just question who is really behind promoting this modern-day hook up culture where men can have free access to a woman's body without being held responsible for her livelihood and well-being. Who really stands to benefit the most from this? If I want to sleep with 10 men in a month, I should be free to do so, but when I need a business loan I better be able to call someone up and get that credit card information over the phone. If men were held to this standard we'd see fewer cases of a bunch of wet behinds and empty pocket books in the hood.

 

[barbiesocialite]

Thanks.

Casual sex didn't factor into my story with dh but the meaning I attached to sex took me down a bad path before dh. If I had been MORE casual and felt less shame about premarital sex, I would have been able to disentangle myself from a destructive relationship I spent way too much time in. I don't want to get into it but I really should have hit it and quit it.

So seeing as though most women end up similar to or a version of their mothers, is it safe to say based on your posts in this thread that you will be advising your daughter to have a cut buddy or fwb despite knowing that the woman who raised her personally had a negative attachment to sex?

 

[Southernbella.]

So seeing as though most women end up similar to or a version of their mothers, is it safe to say based on your posts in this thread that you will be advising your daughter to have a cut buddy or fwb despite knowing that the woman who raised her personally had a negative attachment to sex?

I will raise my daughter to have a positive view of sex and not to attach her self worth to it. I won't encourage anything one way or the other (virginity or casual sex) but I will teach her how to navigate relationships and part of that is getting what she wants out of every interaction. If that happens to be sex, so be it.

She's going to get married regardless so I'm not worried about that.

 

[DayStar]

Fwb, cut buddy? Interesting.

 

[barbiesocialite]

I will raise my daughter to have a positive view of sex and not to attach her self worth to it. I won't encourage anything one way or the other (virginity or casual sex) but I will teach her how to navigate relationships and part of that is getting what she wants out of every interaction. If that happens to be sex, so be it.

She's going to get married regardless so I'm not worried about that.

Interesting.

Well we can only do what we know. We can only teach what we know.

 

[Southernbella.]

I don't believe casual sex ruins marriage at all. You could have 30+ sex partners and still get married. I just question who is really behind promoting this modern-day hook up culture where men can have free access to a woman's body without being held responsible for her livelihood and well-being. Who really stands to benefit the most from this? If I want to sleep with 10 men in a month, I should be free to do so, but when I need a business loan I better be able to call someone up and get that credit card information over the phone. If men were held to this standard we'd see fewer cases of a bunch of wet behinds and empty pocket books in the hood.

I don't disagree with this. I'm just questioning the tone in thread, that casual sex ruins the game for other women and keeps marriage rates low. If that's true, then it includes sex for benefits.

 

[Southernbella.]

Interesting.

Well we can only do what we know. We can only teach what we know.

What will you be teaching your daughter?

 

[aribell]

Plenty of folks are fine with sex as exchange.

My thing is...it's inconsistent to say "casual sex ruins marriage" in one breath and then champion sex for cash in the next. Either casual sex ruins marriage or it doesn't. What the woman does or doesn't get out of it is irrelevant to men.

From what I can see, have read, and heard from dropping in on various convos, it`s less sex itself and more the investment required to access it regularly.

Women used to at least send the message consistently, whether wife or prostitute, that access to their bodies would, one, cost him something, and two, cost him whatever investment *she* deemed appropriate. Men did not feel entitled to women's bodies as they do now. If a woman wanted $5 for it or a lifelong commitment, she set the terms without being made to feel like she had to adjust because men didn't think it was worth it. And amazingly, men accepted this. Now women are told that they are unrealistic for expecting what women have expected for generations. Give him what he wants or you'll get nothing.

I had a couple of experiences being approached after moving to DC that convinced me that legal prostitution makes more sense than whatever we have going on right now.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

I don't disagree with this. I'm just questioning the tone in thread, that casual sex ruins the game for other women and keeps marriage rates low. If that's true, then it includes sex for benefits.

Any man willing to provide financial backing isnt the same guy using casual sex as an out for marriage. He's already paying for the cow.

 

[barbiesocialite]

What will you be teaching your daughter?

Exacrly what my grandmother and mother taught me. And also what I know to be true.

Don't marry the first guy you sex.
Don't be a slut.
But p*ssy ain't free.
Hit this. You go together. For real. In public. Claimed.
If you get knocked up , make him put a ring on it.
After you marry, continue to make him chase for it until the day you die.

that's what Ill teach my daughter.

 

[FemmeFatale]

Yeah Lynn was the absolute worst, broke with a PHD, squatting in alleys but bragging about being a big ole freak

 

[Southernbella.]

Exacrly what my gramdmpther and mother taught me.

Don't marry the first guy you sex.
Don't be a slut.
But p*ssy ain't free.
Hit this. You go together. For real. In public. Claimed.
If you get knocked up , make him put a ring on it.
After you marry, contimue to make him chase for it until the day you die.

that what Ill teach my daughter.

Hmmm...so where do one night stands fit in here?

 

[Southernbella.]

Any man willing to provide financial backing isnt the same guy using casual sex as an out for marriage. He's already paying for the cow.

Why would he ever get married if he has the money to buy it indefinitely?

 

[Femmefatal1981]

Why would he ever get married if he has the money to buy it indefinitely?

Status, love, companionship. Guys like that don't always get married, he may be using other outs. Average guys who would be married 30-40 yrs ago aren't married today. There are several reasons why and easy to get, free, casual sex is one of them.

 

[FelaShrine]

Yeah Lynn was the absolute worst, broke with a PHD, squatting in alleys but bragging about being a big ole freak

ugh

least Carrie's crazy behind ended up getting her walk-in closet *ignores the movies*

 

[barbiesocialite]

Hmmm...so where do one night stands fit in here?

out of sight, outmof mind.

We can only prove what can he observed or documented to exist. If its not documented or observed, it doesn't exist. If it doesn't exist you are not beholden to it and others cannot use it as standard of measure because alas it doesn't exist. What does exist is that than can be documented through your behavior and/or phone bill. Cut buddy or fwb: A lot of time you spent getting to know someone and sharing yourself with a single man who has no investment in you. Seeing as though men take what is available fwb or cut buddy sets the wrong impression if you want to stay around or want him to stay around. Now, for those men you want to stay around you clearly would have to do something different: demand his investment. that would not be a cutbuddy or fwb.

 

[Southernbella.]

From what I can see, have read, and heard from dropping in on various convos, it`s less sex itself and more the investment required to access it regularly.

Women used to at least send the message consistently, whether wife or prostitute, that access to their bodies would, one, cost him something, and two, cost him whatever investment *she* deemed appropriate. Men did not feel entitled to women's bodies as they do now. If a woman wanted $5 for it or a lifelong commitment, she set the terms without being made to feel like she had to adjust because men didn't think it was worth it. And amazingly, men accepted this. Now women are told that they are unrealistic for expecting what women have expected for generations. Give him what he wants or you'll get nothing.

I had a couple of experiences being approached after moving to DC that convinced me that legal prostitution makes more sense than whatever we have going on right now.

Interesting. I guess women will just have to stick to their principles and keep their expectations high. I hear plenty of men complaining about heauxs and wishing they could meet women with high standards so they're out there (unless that's bs, which may be the case).

 

[Femmefatal1981]

What will I teach my daughter:
You are in control of your body.
You set the terms that men must meet in order to gain access to your body.
Set them too low and there will be consequences. ( if she wants specific examples I'll gladly share my experiences).
You can't unring a bell, once your reputation is damaged you can't go back and make people forget.
Don't screw anyone you don't want to father your child because there is no such thing as 100% effective birth control.
Don't be pressured into anything you don't want to do.


I'm sure I'll come back and add more.

 

[Naveah2050]

LHCF is so contradictory... so y'all don't believe in fwb because it cheapens sex yet you believe in one night stands and legalizing the selling of poussay?

Let me be real here - some women are playing the game wrong - a woman never needs to even kiss or hold a mans hand to be compensated for her time with gifts and financial support if thats what she desires... It's nothing to do with sex and u will probably get more from a man without sexing him if that's the game you are in - it's all about the type of man you choose.

Some men are so cheap and/or broke that you can buss it open all night every night and sing on that mic all night and get zilch. Others you will have what you want just cause he wants to make you smile, to impress you etc and that's who he is.

Same thing with marriage and relationships - if you meet a marriage minded man who is at the right time in his life and you meet his requirements he will marry you whether you slept with him on the first night or after a year, whether he was your first or your hundredth - cause your the one and he knew it from the first moment he met you - most women do not need to do magic tricks or acrobatics to get a man to marry them - the hard part, is staying married given that most pre engagement relationships are only 1-3 years and marriage is for life.

 

[barbiesocialite]

What will I teach my daughter:
You are in control of your body.
You set the terms that men must meet in order to gain access to your body.
Set them too low and there will be consequences. ( if she wants specific examples I'll gladly share my experiences).
You can't unring a bell, once your reputation is damaged you can't go back and make people forget.
Don't screw anyone you don't want to father your child because there is no such thing as 100% effective birth control.
Don't be pressured into anything you don't want to do.


I'm sure I'll come back and add more.

Great list!

I agree with all of these things!

this is what I teach baby cousins now, older young relatives and my sill arse aunt that doesnt know better.

Good stuff! you can enjoy sex. But a heaux just sexin all will nilly because she enjoys it? no bueno. silly rabbit.

 

[Southernbella.]

LHCF is so contradictory... so y'all don't believe in fwb because it cheapens sex yet you believe in one night stands and legalizing the selling of poussay?

Let me be real here - some women are playing the game wrong - a woman never needs to even kiss or hold a mans hand to be compensated for her time with gifts and financial support if thats what she desires... It's nothing to do with sex and u will probably get more from a man without sexing him if that's the game you are in - it's all about the type of man you choose.

Some men are so cheap and/or broke that you can buss it open all night every night and sing on that mic all night and get zilch. Others you will have what you want just cause he wants to make you smile, to impress you etc and that's who he is.

Same thing with marriage and relationships - if you meet a marriage minded man who is at the right time in his life and you meet his requirements he will marry you whether you slept with him on the first night or after a year, whether he was your first or your hundredth - cause your the one and he knew it from the first moment he met you - most women do not need to do magic tricks or acrobatics to get a man to marry them - the hard part, is staying married given that most pre engagement relationships are only 1-3 years and marriage is for life.

You peeped that too, huh?

Anyway, your post is on point.

 

[Femmefatal1981]

LHCF is so contradictory... so y'all don't believe in fwb because it cheapens sex yet you believe in one night stands and legalizing the selling of poussay? Let me be real here - some women are playing the game wrong - a woman never needs to even kiss or hold a mans hand to be compensated for her time with gifts and financial support if thats what she desires... It's nothing to do with sex and u will probably get more from a man without sexing him if that's the game you are in - it's all about the type of man you choose. Some men are so cheap and/or broke that you can buss it open all night every night and sing on that mic all night and get zilch. Others you will have what you want just cause he wants to make you smile, to impress you etc and that's who he is. Same thing with marriage and relationships - if you meet a marriage minded man who is at the right time in his life and you meet his requirements he will marry you whether you slept with him on the first night or after a year, whether he was your first or your hundredth - cause your the one and he knew it from the first moment he met you - most women do not need to do magic tricks or acrobatics to get a man to marry them - the hard part, is staying married given that most pre engagement relationships are only 1-3 years and marriage is for life.

I can add some of this to me list: your time is not free and there is nothing you can do to convince a man to marry you if that's not what he wants to do.

 

[Layluh]

If we're going to talk about sluts, let's be honest about sluts.

There's a certain type that's likely to get married more than others.

White sluts marry-easiliy.

Black sluts that marry the easiest usually come from married households.(that I know, including the ones on this board).

The average black American woman comes from a single mother household. is the black single slut raised by a single mother likely to get married as the others?

Virginity doesnt work. Neither doesn heauxdom.

Middle line would likely be the most effective for most black women. Get your couple unspoken one night stands, demand every other man be a committed SO and the final your husband....

You're amazing.

I will say this though. I don't condone fwb or cut buddies but IF you're gonna have a cut buddy, *** buddy, one night stand or whatever we're calling it, make sure it's someone NOBODY knows or ever has the possibility of knowing. They at least have $ and you have a base line level of respect for them- should you end up pregnant. When I did my dirt, it was in another city and with a very UE WM.

I coudn't do the one night stand thing because I just don't like sleeping around. I didn't want to be sexually free or liberated...I just wanted to have normal sex after I got out of that relationship.