You are NOT a princess.

[PeanutButterandHoney]

I also think that the article wasn't choosing SAH vs WOH, it is advocating the necessity of realizing that bearing children alone shouldn't excuse you from burdening your husband into treating you like a child, especially if it goes against his expectations.

 

[Mortons]

So you both think it's better for the children to be in the care of strangers rather then the parents for the tiny bit of change you'd get from working part time? With the cost of daycare and gas etc. how would that even be cost effective?

This is not a diss on anyone who HAS to work but for me my children's welfare is way more important to me than a little $100-200 extra week by the time you take out childcare, taxes, and gas. But I understand that unfortunately many in the black community do not see the value in an at home parent.

1. This is not about the Black community. I hope you think the ladies responding to you are educated enough to come to a conclusion after researching the facts, even if they come to a different conclusion than yours. We are not just pulling ideas from our behinds.

2. It isn't about has to work. If I want to be taken care of I have a father at home who will allow me to stay as long as I want. I want my own Roth IRA, my own retirement fund, my own social security check, my own high interest savings account, my own investment properties. I want my own accomplishments aside from raising kids or being a wife. Those are my life goals.

3. I'm not saying everyone has to work as a mother, I do think that staying home with a child for the first couple of years is beneficial, but after that I feel I am adequately prepared to contribute to my household both financially, physically, and emotionally. I believe in a shared partnership on all fronts.

 

[Bachelorette]

So you both think it's better for the children to be in the care of strangers rather then the parents for the tiny bit of change you'd get from working part time? With the cost of daycare and gas etc. how would that even be cost effective?

This is not a diss on anyone who HAS to work but for me my children's welfare is way more important to me than a little $100-200 extra week by the time you take out childcare, taxes, and gas. But I understand that unfortunately many in the black community do not see the value in an at home parent.

Uh..Im not bashing your belief so why get all agressive cos Im fine with part-time. How many people can afford just one person working? with this recession, people losing jobs all over the place, if one person loses the job and the other isnt working, what happens then? Oh yea like most black people, just hope the Mighty Lord provides manna

By the way, some of us have FAMILY UNITS that can help with raising kids. Maybe you consider your family "strangers", I sure as hell dont.

 

[kbragg]

^^^But that attitude is what I'm talking about...the idea that being a SAHM/WAHM is not contributing to the household. Paycheck does not equal only form of meaningful contribution IMO. To me a SAHM is just as valuable as a man working for that pay check. I posted this elsewhere:

I tell my kids it's all about a team effort. The QB, RB, Defensive Linemen, kicker, Wide receiver, the Coach, they're all part of the team. The roles are different, but you won't have a championship team if any of them is not fulfilling their role. Same thing in a family dynamic.

While the man may be the provider, how the woman manages the home will directly effect how he performs at work. If a man comes home after a long day of work after dealing with office politics, cranky customers, and incompetent management to a dirty house, rowdy loud disrespectful kids, a combative argumentative wife, then has to wash his own clothes because the laundry wasn't done, microwave a meal because she doesn't cook, and attempts to be intimate with his wife only to be rejected, it will directly effect his work performance and if this goes on for a long time he may just snap out on the boss and get fired.

At the same token, if the wife does her part, but is undermined in her authority with the children by her hubby (mommy says no daddy says go ahead), ignored by him, he's a slob and just leaves his dirty clothes wherever and never cleans up after himself, ignores the kids, and then at night is a 2 minute man that never attempts to satisfy her sexually, this will directly effect her as a mother and demotivate her as far as having a desire to be a good wife to him.

Now if you flip it on both ends, she's a good wife, he's attentive and actively involved in the family life, and they are a united front against (yes i said against...it's a war zone) the children, and the coloring is museun worthy then she will be motivated to be an even better wife and he will feel 10 feet tall when he goes to work knowing he has a soft place to land at the end of the day. That's what I strive for in my household and what I am teaching my kids

Neither role is superior, just different. And yes the man may be the head and the final decision will be his, but any decent man will always consider his wife's wants and really how often does a man NOT do what his wife wants anyway? He just thinks it's his idea

What I do with the girls is I use the illustration in the Bible that describes the Church. Our family is like the church. Daddy may be the head but the head can not survive with out the heart, it cannot move without the limbs, it cannot live without the lungs. We're in this together.

 

[Bachelorette]

1. This is not about the Black community. I hope you think the ladies responding to you are educated enough to come to a conclusion after researching the facts, even if they come to a different conclusion than yours. We are not just pulling ideas from our behinds.

2. It isn't about has to work. If I want to be taken care of I have a father at home who will allow me to stay as long as I want. I want my own Roth IRA, my own retirement fund, my own social security check, my own high interest savings account, my own investment properties. I want my own accomplishments aside from raising kids or being a wife. Those are my life goals.

3. I'm not saying everyone has to work as a mother, I do think that staying home with a child for the first couple of years is beneficial, but after that I feel I am adequately prepared to contribute to my household both financially, physically, and emotionally. I believe in a shared partnership on all fronts.

Thank You x 10.

 

[princessnad]

But he tells me I am... and he isn't a liar

 

[kbragg]

Uh..Im not bashing your belief so why get all agressive cos Im fine with part-time. How many people can afford just one person working? with this recession, people losing jobs all over the place, if one person loses the job and the other isnt working, what happens then? Oh yea like most black people, just hope the Mighty Lord provides manna

By the way, some of us have FAMILY UNITS that can help with raising kids. Maybe you consider your family "strangers", I sure as hell dont.

I'm not getting agressive at all I'm just kind of disturbed by the general disgust black people in particular have toward SAHMs/WAHMs as if the ONLY way you are really contributing to your household if you bring home a paycheck.

To the first paragraph, that's why it's important to be smart financially (I'm not saying anyone else isn't) but it's actually not as expensive as many think it is. If you plan your meals out each week, cook at home instead of eating out. Shop the sales and buy in bulk, stock up, build up an emergency fund of 6-12 months expenses. We are able to do it because I budget very carefully, we don't have cable, we don't have to pay hundreds of dollars a week in day care, we don't have to pay for insurance on a second vehicle, we saved up and bought used so we don't have a car note. We don't have debt, we don't have to spend a bunch of money on gas, oil changes, etc for a second vehicle for me to commute. We sat down, put pen to paper, and made it work and hubby does not make a lot of money.

This was before I found my WAH job. Now that money is all extra. We use it for savings and we plan out savings out. Down payment for a house, new vehicle, etc. More families could do this if they really sat down and put pen to paper.

We have family units as well, but they are 45 - 60 minutes away and hubby is really not for "dumping the kids on someone else" (I know lol) so by strangers I mean daycare.

My kids have benefited greatly from me being home. I was able to teach them basic skills and as a result they are more advanced academically than their 2 income counter parts. I'm NOT bashing parents who choose to be 2 income outside the house households at all. As a mom I can only imagine how hard it is to go back to work when you've barely even had an opportunity to establish that bond with your baby, or a parent of older kids where you're not available to be home to help with the homework, to make a little snack, to monitor their after school activities etc.

 

[NOEChic]

Yall must not be around the forum much cause those posts are everywhere. And like I said if your man is cool with it hey be my guest. I just dont think those reasons are as noble as we make it out to be.

And kbragg I think that Black women nowadays forget that we worked outside of the home and were wives and mothers since we came here. There is no history of Black women only staying home. Not saying its a good thing, but there is no sense in making like we need to go back to our "roots" of staying at home when our roots always have been working hard in and out of the home.

in my fam both my grandmothers stayed home, even my stepmother's mother stayed home

 

[kbragg]

Ok I was just talking to DH about this topic and he made a couple points on this topic as well:

I forgot to mention that we don't have cell phones so we save a ton of money on that. Also we have saved THOUSANDS of dollars on medical bills. My kids Ped. Since my kids have been home with me since birth versus being exposed to 30+ kids and adults for 8-10 hours a day in a daycare center, they didn't get colds, the flu, chicken pox, etc. In fact Kayla got sick for the first time last year when she entered Kindergarten.

He also mentioned that in reference to the idea that with a 2 income family there would be less risk compared to a 1 income family if one person lost their job that either way there's no real difference in how the situation would turn out. In both situations the one out of work can apply for unemployment benefits. Also, in the 2 income situation, if they can't afford to be a one income family necessitating both parties to work then how would that change if one wage earner lost their job? There still would not be enough money for them to live on.

He also mentioned that as a man he doesn't understand how a man could have a negative attitude toward his wife being home. He said that for him it gives him great satisfaction and he takes great pride in the fact that he can take care of his wife and kids and is able to provide for his family. He doesn't get the resentment many men have. He says as a man, when you have a wife and kids their well being is your number one priority. He doesn't see it as a "burden" or me as a "child" but as his job as a man. He is satisfied in the fact that his kids are in the care of the most qualified person to care for them. (He is so getting some later) He doesn't see my contribution as any less than his and that includes when I did not have my current job.

 

[Dare~to~Dream]

in my fam both my grandmothers stayed home, even my stepmother's mother stayed home

Yes...mine too (I'm told that my great-grandmother didn't "work outside of the home" either).

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

in my fam both my grandmothers stayed home, even my stepmother's mother stayed home

Mine too.
For some reason my grandmother strongly persuaded us to not be a SAHM.
I wonder why.

KBragg, aren't you a WAHM.
For sake of the piece, you ARE contributing financially

 

[NOEChic]

So you both think it's better for the children to be in the care of strangers rather then the parents for the tiny bit of change you'd get from working part time? With the cost of daycare and gas etc. how would that even be cost effective?

This is not a diss on anyone who HAS to work but for me my children's welfare is way more important to me than a little $100-200 extra week by the time you take out childcare, taxes, and gas. But I understand that unfortunately many in the black community do not see the value in an at home parent.

1) you can set your schedule so that someone is home with the kids all the time...i have a coupla of friends that do that.

2) you keep harping on strangers, when your kid goes to big kid school, they are in essence being takin care of by a stranger. Unless you homeschool its gonna happen

3) I believe that kids should be around other kids (not just their siblings) in their formative yrs. it helps with social interaction.

 

[kbragg]

Mine too.
For some reason my grandmother strongly persuaded us to not be a SAHM.
I wonder why.

KBragg, aren't you a WAHM.
For sake of the piece, you ARE contributing financially

I am a WAHM now but I was a SAHM previously. As my hubby puts it, it's helpful and a blessing, but not something he "requires" of me if that makes sense. He doesn't see providing for me as burdening him down. He believes it is his job to provide for his family...oh and as far as being like a child he said he has NO interest in children in the bedroom and is very happy to have a wife

So basically it's not like oh I'm good now but before I was a low down no good free loading woman before.

I wonder (and NO OFFENSE to your grandfather at all) if your grandad was one of those old school types like my grandpa. You know they "Woman you must submit to me!" Type that is ALWAYS reminding her that HE makes the money so HE makes the rules and put her in a situation where she couldn't just bounce because she had no money of her own. I think that's why it's important to know what kind of man you're marrying. I know a lot of the old school religious type men were like that I wonder if that's where hot grits came from

 

[ladysaraii]

So you both think it's better for the children to be in the care of strangers rather then the parents for the tiny bit of change you'd get from working part time? With the cost of daycare and gas etc. how would that even be cost effective?

This is not a diss on anyone who HAS to work but for me my children's welfare is way more important to me than a little $100-200 extra week by the time you take out childcare, taxes, and gas. But I understand that unfortunately many in the black community do not see the value in an at home parent.

I'll explain why I think a woman should work at least part time. And for the record, my mom was a SAHM for most of my young years, I think at least to kindergarten and she didn't go back until I was in high school and she worked part-time. I loved it, at least when I wasn't trying to get in trouble. So I totally get the value of have someone at home for the kids.

I think it's important for her to maintain her skills, licensing, certs, etc. At the end of the day, the household needs to be able to function. So if something should happen to me (say I'm the wage earner) job loss, injured and can't work, death, I need to know that my family can be taken care of. Maybe it's not the amount I'm bringing home, but to some extent.

And let's be honest. SAHM is not a real job. Before you yell at me, I dont mean it's not real work. I mean that, on a resume, in the workforce, it doesn't count as a real job. There's no current work experience, outdated degrees and certs, etc. Unless you're applying for a job as a nanny or something, being a SAHM doesn't count.

To be honest, I wouldn't care if she got paid for her work, for example if she had volunteer experience that she could list, that would be great. Shoot, even taking classes to keep up to date would be great. My mother was very involved in volunteering at our schools and in Girl Scouts. She got her Bachelors when I was in jr high. So when she was ready to go back to work she could.

I'm looking at the total picture for my family. And my total picture means that both adults have and maintain the ability to earn a living. And on the flip side, that also means that both people are able to handle the domestic responsibilities.

Okay, that was a really long post, please forgive me any and all errors. It's past my bedtime. I'll clarify anything in the morning

 

[kbragg]

1) you can set your schedule so that someone is home with the kids all the time...i have a coupla of friends that do that.

Well that situation in and of itself can be problematic, the whole two ships passing in the night thing. That can put a big strain on the marriage not to mention the family dynamic. If push came to shove and you gotta do what you gotta do then hey not hate from me, but I don't see that as a desirable lifestyle. JMHO.

2) you keep harping on strangers, when your kid goes to big kid school, they are in essence being takin care of by a stranger. Unless you homeschool its gonna happen

Yes but a 5 year old has for 1 a well developed immune system, and a decent enough command of the english language that they can communicate to you if God forbid someone caused them physical harm. A 6 month old can't tell you if someone pinched, yelled at, inappropriately touched, left them in a nasty diaper or ignored them all day. I know of course that this is the exception and not the rule, but it's just not a route we wanted to go.

3) I believe that kids should be around other kids (not just their siblings) in their formative yrs. it helps with social interaction.[/QUOTE]

I agree with this and all of my children get exposure and interaction with other children their age (heck between me and my SIL's there's TEN KIDS) not to mention church and kids around the neighborhood and play dates. But I don't think they need 8-10 hours a day of it. My kids are super social and have lots of friends and had no problems adjusting to school. I think those 8-10 hours a day could be better spent with a parent, building bonds and teaching the child basic skills (Baby Hulk is learning to count). Plus on a bit of selfish level, I like being there for those firsts. I have thoroughly enjoyed and continued to enjoy watching them grow up.

 

[ambergirl]

Yall must not be around the forum much cause those posts are everywhere. And like I said if your man is cool with it hey be my guest. I just dont think those reasons are as noble as we make it out to be.

And kbragg I think that Black women nowadays forget that we worked outside of the home and were wives and mothers since we came here. There is no history of Black women only staying home. Not saying its a good thing, but there is no sense in making like we need to go back to our "roots" of staying at home when our roots always have been working hard in and out of the home.

I think it's less about what we have customarily had to do in our communities to survive and more about the status attributed to not having to work.

This relates to another thread on how the feminist movement was not relevant to us in many ways. For us being married, not having to work and being able to raise our own kids is a HUGE status symbol...unlike white women who traditionally felt constrained in the suburban household role...but now that many of them have to work AND raise the kids AND keep the house they are looking at that stay at home lifestyle a whole lot differently.


On another note I still hold to my original criticism of this ever so silly article. I only pulled that example out because it was easy, there's plenty wrong with this piece.

 

[kbragg]

I'll explain why I think a woman should work at least part time. And for the record, my mom was a SAHM for most of my young years, I think at least to kindergarten and she didn't go back until I was in high school and she worked part-time. I loved it, at least when I wasn't trying to get in trouble. So I totally get the value of have someone at home for the kids.

I think it's important for her to maintain her skills, licensing, certs, etc. At the end of the day, the household needs to be able to function. So if something should happen to me (say I'm the wage earner) job loss, injured and can't work, death, I need to know that my family can be taken care of. Maybe it's not the amount I'm bringing home, but to some extent.

And let's be honest. SAHM is not a real job. Before you yell at me, I dont mean it's not real work. I mean that, on a resume, in the workforce, it doesn't count as a real job. There's no current work experience, outdated degrees and certs, etc. Unless you're applying for a job as a nanny or something, being a SAHM doesn't count.

To be honest, I wouldn't care if she got paid for her work, for example if she had volunteer experience that she could list, that would be great. Shoot, even taking classes to keep up to date would be great. My mother was very involved in volunteering at our schools and in Girl Scouts. She got her Bachelors when I was in jr high. So when she was ready to go back to work she could.

I'm looking at the total picture for my family. And my total picture means that both adults have and maintain the ability to earn a living. And on the flip side, that also means that both people are able to handle the domestic responsibilities.

Okay, that was a really long post, please forgive me any and all errors. It's past my bedtime. I'll clarify anything in the morning

At the bolded! My momma NEEDED to be home when I hit the teens

Oh I do agree with a lot of what you've said. I think I've mentioned this before but that's part of the whole not losing yourself in your role thing. When I eventually get done having babies and all my kids are in school I will definitely do something during the day as I don't plan to work for B2B forever. By that time hubby will have met many of his career and financial goals as well and possibly be home full time as well. Once we get out of the initial "We're home alone with no kids, where shall we color next?" Phase I'll explore more of my interests. I have a strong interest in Health and Fitness so I'd probably get my certification as a Personal Trainer. I also have some ideas for business ventures that I'd like to explore as well.

Ultimately DH and I are moving toward becoming independent (I said the "I" word) financially so our goals are focused in that direction.

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

I think it's less about what we have customarily had to do in our communities to survive and more about the status attributed to not having to work.

This relates to another thread on how the feminist movement was not relevant to us in many ways. For us being married, not having to work and being able to raise our own kids is a HUGE status symbol...unlike white women who traditionally felt constrained in the suburban household role...but now that many of them have to work AND raise the kids AND keep the house they are looking at that stay at home lifestyle a whole lot differently.


On another note I still hold to my original criticism of this ever so silly article. I only pulled that example out because it was easy, there's plenty wrong with this piece.

This is what I think


It's kind of like saying when you are having a convo and someone keeps mentioning they are a SAHM.
It's like they are really sayin: "My husband makes enough to keep me comfortable, allow me to take naps, and I get the privilege to be with my kids and you can't. I'm a princess and you are a servant"

 

[ambergirl]

This is what I think


It's kind of like saying when you are having a convo and someone keeps mentioning they are a SAHM.
It's like they are really sayin: "My husband makes enough to keep me comfortable, allow me to take naps, and I get the privilege to be with my kids and you can't. I'm a princess and you are a servant"

Well I definitely think a lot of black women aspire to be stay at home moms but anyone who's done it (especially if you have more then one) knows you can forget day time naps, bon bons, zoning out on soap operas, and other such nonsense My SAHM friends are running behind those kids on the regular trying to keep them and their houses in some kind of order until they all get into school. And if you're a SAHM you can best believe your man is going to have higher expectations about who's the primary child rearer and keeping that house clean....

 

[kbragg]

I think it's less about what we have customarily had to do in our communities to survive and more about the status attributed to not having to work.

This relates to another thread on how the feminist movement was not relevant to us in many ways. For us being married, not having to work and being able to raise our own kids is a HUGE status symbol...unlike white women who traditionally felt constrained in the suburban household role...but now that many of them have to work AND raise the kids AND keep the house they are looking at that stay at home lifestyle a whole lot differently.


On another note I still hold to my original criticism of this ever so silly article. I only pulled that example out because it was easy, there's plenty wrong with this piece.

And you know even that status symbol of being a SAHM is a myth for many of us. In fact me and most of the SAHMs I know have a lot LESS than 2 income households do. Both my SIL's are 2 income households and materially they are doing better than us. They have the fancy cell phones, the wireless internet, the premium Dish and ATT U verse package, 2 brand new vehicles (complete with car notes), they take vacations a couple times a year, they both are home owners, their kids have a Wii, thier own TV's, Ipods and soon cell phones, they and their kids wear name brand clothes (my kids have never had Nikes lol), new furniture every couple of years, and on the surface are doing better than us. So it's a trade off. They work a lot of over time and their hubby's bounce between working 1 and 2 jobs (that's a whole other issue as my SIL's are the Primary wage earners which my FIL is not pleased about but it is what it is).

I don't look down on them and they don't look down on me. Although I'd love to have all the stuff that they have, DH and I decided that for us having a parent at home is more important. In the end I think most parents would choose to stay home if they could maintain their current lifestyle. Change is uncomfortable so I can completely understand that. Ultimately each couple has to choose what is best for them and their family

 

[kbragg]

This is what I think


It's kind of like saying when you are having a convo and someone keeps mentioning they are a SAHM.
It's like they are really sayin: "My husband makes enough to keep me comfortable, allow me to take naps, and I get the privilege to be with my kids and you can't. I'm a princess and you are a servant"

I wish! And can you tell me what a nap is again? I haven't had one since I was in the hospital delivering Caleb Actually the hospital is the only place I can nap (and go to the bathroom by myself)

 

[kbragg]

Well I definitely think a lot of black women aspire to be stay at home moms but anyone who's done it (especially if you have more then one) knows you can forget day time naps, bon bons, zoning out on soap operas, and other such nonsense My SAHM friends are running behind those kids on the regular trying to keep them and their houses in some kind of order until they all get into school. And if you're a SAHM you can best believe your man is going to have higher expectations about who's the primary child rearer and keeping that house clean....

Yes and there's a lot of vomit and poo involved And forget about carpets and furniture staying their original color Oh and you will have to get Tetanus shots on a regular because of stepping on strategically placed matchbox cars and them little stankin toy dinosaurs And you WILL find food in diverse places as well (found a banana peel in the toy box) It is a blessing to be a SAHM don't get me wrong, but FAR from being a "kept woman."

 

[kcolbert]

I am that mom who put her 6 week old in the care of a stranger to "raise" for me. That "stranger" took care of my child like she was one of her own, and at the end of the day, my daughter knew who my husband and I were. Neither of my children have called the babysitter "mommy." I do not desire to be a SAHM, and do not think my children has suffered because of it. My girls never get sick. I have never felt guilty or sad for possibly missing a first word or step, in fact, to our knowledge all of those "firsts" happened under the watch of DH and I. I love my girls and know that they are only young once. We pour our all into our children and they know it. My oldest has never asked me why I don't stay at home and not work, she always wants to know when can she go to work with me. My baby loves my office and everyone that works there. We bake cookies, my girls love that. We go on amazing field trips. I taught my baby how to read, write, and count. I was a young mom with the first and thought you learned all of that stuff in school, lol. My girls don't feel unloved or unwanted. They come before anything workwise. I go to all of my oldest school parties, games, practices, etc. I carry a camera in my purse for every moment of their lives. My oldest is an avid Girl Scout, a Honor Roll student basketball player, in the 4H club, band, and volleyball player. She has been in a youth choir and is trying out for softball soon. My baby will begin basketball soon. DH and I will be there every step of the way cheering them on. I get the feeling sometimes, that us who choose to send our children to daycare, are doing them a disservice and thus harming them in some way. I just wanted to share my story and say that it is not so for everyone, just like all SAHM's aren't sitting around eating bon bons and watching their stories.

 

[kbragg]

I am that mom who put her 6 week old in the care of a stranger to "raise" for me. That "stranger" took care of my child like she was one of her own, and at the end of the day, my daughter knew who my husband and I were. Neither of my children have called the babysitter "mommy." I do not desire to be a SAHM, and do not think my children has suffered because of it. My girls never get sick. I have never felt guilty or sad for possibly missing a first word or step, in fact, to our knowledge all of those "firsts" happened under the watch of DH and I. I love my girls and know that they are only young once. We pour our all into our children and they know it. My oldest has never asked me why I don't stay at home and not work, she always wants to know when can she go to work with me. My baby loves my office and everyone that works there. We bake cookies, my girls love that. We go on amazing field trips. I taught my baby how to read, write, and count. I was a young mom with the first and thought you learned all of that stuff in school, lol. My girls don't feel unloved or unwanted. They come before anything workwise. I go to all of my oldest school parties, games, practices, etc. I carry a camera in my purse for every moment of their lives. My oldest is an avid Girl Scout, a Honor Roll student basketball player, in the 4H club, band, and volleyball player. She has been in a youth choir and is trying out for softball soon. My baby will begin basketball soon. DH and I will be there every step of the way cheering them on. I get the feeling sometimes, that us who choose to send our children to daycare, are doing them a disservice and thus harming them in some way. I just wanted to share my story and say that it is not so for everyone, just like all SAHM's aren't sitting around eating bon bons and watching their stories.

I love your post and you sound like a great mommy I do believe at the end of the day like I mentioned, it's all priorities. It also sounds like you and your hubby are not "fingers to the bone" type workers but have a decent amount of freedom in your professions and that's awesome too.

There are SAHMS who blow their kids off just like there are working mothers who are not involved and it's good to see parents on both sides that are actively involved. One of my best friends is a teacher in a majority black school and unfortunately you are a rarity but that's a whole other topic

 

[PeanutButterandHoney]

I wish! And can you tell me what a nap is again? I haven't had one since I was in the hospital delivering Caleb Actually the hospital is the only place I can nap (and go to the bathroom by myself)

I definitely wasn't saying that about you!
I'm just saying, more often than not, a black woman saying she is a SAHM is most often the equivalent of flashing a big diamond studded ring or the new Bentley their hubby bought them.
It's the new thing of the "Jones".

 

[kbragg]

I definitely wasn't saying that about you!
I'm just saying, more often than not, a black woman saying she is a SAHM is most often the equivalent of flashing a big diamond studded ring or the new Bentley their hubby bought them.
It's the new thing of the "Jones".

Shoooooot if I knew one of dem I'd be like "What he do? Put in a good word for DH" Then of course I'd ask my wise married LHCF sistahs how I can make DH think it was his idea cuz ain't no man down with his wife's friend, family, etc. getting him a job"

 

[ambergirl]

And you know even that status symbol of being a SAHM is a myth for many of us. In fact me and most of the SAHMs I know have a lot LESS than 2 income households do. Both my SIL's are 2 income households and materially they are doing better than us. They have the fancy cell phones, the wireless internet, the premium Dish and ATT U verse package, 2 brand new vehicles (complete with car notes), they take vacations a couple times a year, they both are home owners, their kids have a Wii, thier own TV's, Ipods and soon cell phones, they and their kids wear name brand clothes (my kids have never had Nikes lol), new furniture every couple of years, and on the surface are doing better than us. So it's a trade off. They work a lot of over time and their hubby's bounce between working 1 and 2 jobs (that's a whole other issue as my SIL's are the Primary wage earners which my FIL is not pleased about but it is what it is).

I don't look down on them and they don't look down on me. Although I'd love to have all the stuff that they have, DH and I decided that for us having a parent at home is more important. In the end I think most parents would choose to stay home if they could maintain their current lifestyle. Change is uncomfortable so I can completely understand that. Ultimately each couple has to choose what is best for them and their family

If I were married with kids I would try to stay home with them at least for the first few years for exactly the reason you state even though I'm one of those women who would be biting my nails at the thought of leaving the workforce for an extended period of time. If it's at all possible, raising your own kids is preferable.

My mom has been a homemaker ever since she married. When I was small it was great, mom was always there when I came home from school or during the summers. As we got older, I wish she had gone back to work or volunteered because I think it would have been better for her. Of course I didn't realize it then, but now I see what a privilege it was for me to have her available like that.

 

[taz007]

I so want to copy this article and email it to a particular relative. She swore that she had to be a SAHW so that she could attend school and get her PhD for the last 10 years and she has yet to get an Associates degree.

When another relative mentioned that she wanted to get pregnant, she made sure that she beat her to the punch. Now she says that she can't go to school and she can't work 'cause she has to raise the children. She says that she is sacrificing for her kids .

Now, get this. She tried to keep up the childless couple materialistically. She and her DH refinanced the house 6 times in the last 8 years in order for her to stay home. Now, that they cannot refinance anymore what did they do?

HE JOINED THE MILITARY reserves for extra cash, was immediately called up and is currently in a war zone for 18 months. She REFUSES to work. How is that good for the kids? Did I mention that with his day job he was making close to 6 figures?

I will NEVER understand this.

My DH and I stayed home for the first year and then he was a SAHD for 18 months. He then got a job but was laid off and you best believe that I was able to maintain without skipping a beat. We did not have to discontinue nothing.

I am now basically a SAHM but you best believe that I keep my skills sharp with side contracts and certifications; especially in this economy. Both my DH and I could handle the bills alone if needed.

I am waiting to see what will happen when to my relative when the $$$ runs out and she has to get a job. I think that she will divorce him

ETA: ITA with the previous poster. My mom was a SAHM just about her entire life and I too wished that she had gotten a job sooner and/or volunteered. Although I did appreciate her being at home when I was very young.

 

[kcolbert]

I love your post and you sound like a great mommy I do believe at the end of the day like I mentioned, it's all priorities. It also sounds like you and your hubby are not "fingers to the bone" type workers but have a decent amount of freedom in your professions and that's awesome too.

There are SAHMS who blow their kids off just like there are working mothers who are not involved and it's good to see parents on both sides that are actively involved. One of my best friends is a teacher in a majority black school and unfortunately you are a rarity but that's a whole other topic

Thanks kbragg, DH and I are active duty Army. The first few years were trial and error, but we got our game down-pat now, lol. The times we have been called away for duty, my mother has been our rock. The girls would rather live with Nana, because she spoils them rotten. We do our best to make the girls our priority. I will tell them jokers I work with in a heartbeat, I am leaving to go to my DD's school for whatever it is. When we were in Germany, I went to lunch with her almost everyday, the food was really good, and I loved her teachers. Not to mention, she was a superstar because everyone seen her mom come to eat lunch with her on the regular. I love walking in her class for an event and her classmates are always astonished that her mom is in the Army, she is so proud of that. My little one just realized her parents are Soldiers, she just knew we went to work. We have been blessed to work for some family friendly military units. But I am crazy and always try to make sure people know, especially the men we work with, that we are moms and want to spend just as much time with our children as their wives do with theirs at home. My sister is a SAHM mom and her girls just watch TV all day while she yells at them. I think ALL moms should be celebrate, just for the simple fact that we are moms period.

 

[kbragg]

Thanks kbragg, DH and I are active duty Army. The first few years were trial and error, but we got our game down-pat now, lol. The times we have been called away for duty, my mother has been our rock. The girls would rather live with Nana, because she spoils them rotten. We do our best to make the girls our priority. I will tell them jokers I work with in a heartbeat, I am leaving to go to my DD's school for whatever it is. When we were in Germany, I went to lunch with her almost everyday, the food was really good, and I loved her teachers. Not to mention, she was a superstar because everyone seen her mom come to eat lunch with her on the regular. I love walking in her class for an event and her classmates are always astonished that her mom is in the Army, she is so proud of that. My little one just realized her parents are Soldiers, she just knew we went to work. We have been blessed to work for some family friendly military units. But I am crazy and always try to make sure people know, especially the men we work with, that we are moms and want to spend just as much time with our children as their wives do with theirs at home. My sister is a SAHM mom and her girls just watch TV all day while she yells at them. I think ALL moms should be celebrate, just for the simple fact that we are moms period.

Are you an officer or enlisted? Hubby and I are also former military. You two have been seriously blessed to be in family friendly units because some of them are We were stationed at Fort Drum and it was a hawt mess They really hated mothers up there it was really sad. Me being in a male dominated field did not help either.

I got out when I became pregnant with Kayla look: yeah we did thing a lil bit backwards) and DH ETSed shortly after that. I was a 63B (mechanic) like my hubby when I was in and went to school to get my ACE Certification only to learn that I had wasted my money because although there is definitely racism and sexism in the military, it's nowhere near what it's like in the Civilian world I applied for jobs and even with my military experience was turned down, even for an apprenticeship.

On one interview when I arrived the guy asked if I was applying for the receptionist position. When I told him I was here for the mechanic position he laughed in my face. He gave me a short tour of the shop and said I wouldn't be right for the job. I was too "pretty" and would distract the other mechanics A little while after that hubby suggested that I stay home. We did the math and it worked for us