You are NOT a princess.

[kbragg]

I so want to copy this article and email it to a particular relative. She swore that she had to be a SAHW so that she could attend school and get her PhD for the last 10 years and she has yet to get an Associates degree.

When another relative mentioned that she wanted to get pregnant, she made sure that she beat her to the punch. Now she says that she can't go to school and she can't work 'cause she has to raise the children. She says that she is sacrificing for her kids .

Now, get this. She tried to keep up the childless couple materialistically. She and her DH refinanced the house 6 times in the last 8 years in order for her to stay home. Now, that they cannot refinance anymore what did they do?

HE JOINED THE MILITARY reserves for extra cash, was immediately called up and is currently in a war zone for 18 months. She REFUSES to work. How is that good for the kids? Did I mention that with his day job he was making close to 6 figures?

I will NEVER understand this.

My DH and I stayed home for the first year and then he was a SAHD for 18 months. He then got a job but was laid off and you best believe that I was able to maintain without skipping a beat. We did not have to discontinue nothing.

I am now basically a SAHM but you best believe that I keep my skills sharp with side contracts and certifications; especially in this economy. Both my DH and I could handle the bills alone if needed.

I am waiting to see what will happen when to my relative when the $$$ runs out and she has to get a job. I think that she will divorce him

ETA: ITA with the previous poster. My mom was a SAHM just about her entire life and I too wished that she had gotten a job sooner and/or volunteered. Although I did appreciate her being at home when I was very young.

Stories like this really make me sad It really gives people a negative perception of what a good SAHM looks like. Hold the phone 6 figures? Living within your means is a lost art I tell you When people hear we don't have cell phones, multiple vehicles with car notes, or dish or cable they act like I said we live in a log cabin and use a horse and buggy for transportation My brother asked me if we were Amish WTH? Of course my family is also of the mindset that it's not a "real job" if you don't have to drive to it everyday. If I hafta tell these negroes one mo time that I DO have a job....

 

[barbiesocialite]

I was raised by a family of SAHMs and went to conservative middle-class parochial schools where a number of my classmates (mainly white) wives & mothers were also SAHMs. I am also college educated with some graduate level education--that I will eventually get around to completing one of these days. That said, in regards to reasons why some women chose to stay home, I'm going to be honest, I don't like working. So I don't. FH knew this the day he met me.

I could care less receiving anyone's, let alone some female, approval or respect for my choices in how I chose to live my life in my future marriage. At the same time, it's unfortunate that some people see so little value in a woman being a SAHW/M. Evidently FH feels I bring plenty to the table or he wouldnt be with me, let alone want to marry me.

 

[aribell]

I was raised by a family of SAHMs and went to conservative middle-class parochial schools where a number of my classmates (mainly white) wives & mothers were also SAHMs. I am also college educated with some graduate level education--that I will eventually get around to completing one of these days. That said, in regards to reasons why some women chose to stay home, I'm going to be honest, I don't like working. So I don't. FH knew this the day he met me.

I could care less receiving anyone's, let alone some female, approval or respect for my choices in how I chose to live my life in my future marriage. At the same time, it's unfortunate that some people see so little value in a woman being a SAHW/M. Evidently FH feels I bring plenty to the table or he wouldnt be with me, let alone want to marry me.

This is interesting because, honestly, I feel the same but feel like women are not "supposed" to feel that way and have never given myself permission to think that way. I don't think it's necessarily laziness or a "princess" mentality, though. Not necessarily at least. There are tons of ways every day that I could see myself productively using my time that do not equal "job." Many of them could potentially make money, but that would be secondary.

I know young men who are perfectly fine with their wives not working--children or no children. I guess it's just about finding someone who views things the same as you.

 

[Bachelorette]

To be honest, I wouldn't care if she got paid for her work, for example if she had volunteer experience that she could list, that would be great. Shoot, even taking classes to keep up to date would be great. My mother was very involved in volunteering at our schools and in Girl Scouts. She got her Bachelors when I was in jr high. So when she was ready to go back to work she could.

That's awesome

 

[barbiesocialite]

This is interesting because, honestly, I feel the same but feel like women are not "supposed" to feel that way and have never given myself permission to think that way. I don't think it's necessarily laziness or a "princess" mentality, though. Not necessarily at least. There are tons of ways every day that I could see myself productively using my time that do not equal "job." Many of them could potentially make money, but that would be secondary.

I know young men who are perfectly fine with their wives not working--children or no children. I guess it's just about finding someone who views things the same as you.

ITA

I am a constant busybody; between all my million-&-one hobbies, reading, gardening, cooking, taking care of the house, taking care of myself and FH I am ALWAYS doing something FH feels that the time I have to explore and learn new things makes me more diversified & well-rounded than most women because I am always meeting new types of people and doing new activities, according to him that is.

I have 2 younger brothers.The oldest is currently in college and is very vocal about wanting his wife to stay home. Funny thing is that my parents divorced when I was almost done highschool, which means he was raised by a single-mother for a decent portion of his life and he is absolutely against women HAVING to work. He says he is a man and its his responsibility as a man to provide for his wife so that she never wants for anything. And those are his words almost verbatim

 

[Bachelorette]

and if a divorce sets in, she'll have nothing

 

[barbiesocialite]

and if a divorce sets in, she'll have nothing

speak for the women you know.

if a woman knows how to invest and maintain her own assets while she is married she will be perfectly fine.

Beyond that when my parents divorced, my daddy still wrote checks and sent us to private schools. People should be selective in their quality of men.

Married couples should also prepare for disaster regardless of who works or how much money is coming in. IME, women with 2-incomes that lived on both those incomes to survive tend to make out the worst when suddenly they found themselves without a spouse or their DH became unemployed. If you dont prepare you will find yourself a**-out in the end.

 

[kbragg]

^^^And make sure you live in a community state Seriously though any man that's worth anything is not gonna leave his children and their mother with nothing, and if he tries well if you live in a community state you are protected. I think men in community states coined the phrase "It's cheaper to keep her"

 

[jada1111]

All I have to say is a disagree with the financial parts of her article.

That is all.

 

[barbiesocialite]

^^^And make sure you live in a community state Seriously though any man that's worth anything is not gonna leave his children and their mother with nothing, and if he tries well if you live in a community state you are protected. I think men in community states coined the phrase "It's cheaper to keep her"

you ain't lyin!


I also agree with your earlier comment on people living like money aint a thang, particularly when they have 2 incomes.Living within your means is a lot art for too many people these days. I'm a firm believer in living on one income even if you have multiple avenues of money coming in. Almost all of the marriages I can think of that have 2-incomes those folks stay broke because they live on both incomes and never intentionally appointed one person's income as the "in case sh*t happens" fund. At the end of the day, since apparently some women in general fail to look ahead to the future in terms of financial family planning, I rarely see the working mom come out any better than the SAHM in most divorce cases.

That said, just because a woman chooses not to be someone's workhorse or superwoman does not mean she will always end up destitute, poor and alone. I'm simply tired of people scapegoating the SAHW/M as some selfish, fiscally irresponsible woman that never has her DH's and family's best interest at heart.

 

[Mortons]

and if a divorce sets in, she'll have nothing

Most women refuse to believe that they will get railroaded til it happens. Women 9/10 come up the loser in the divorce. Not gonna be me under any circumstances

 

[ambergirl]

Most women refuse to believe that they will get railroaded til it happens. Women 9/10 come up the loser in the divorce. Not gonna be me under any circumstances

SPEAK!

I know so many women who have gotten screwed by their so called "good" husbands it's ridiculous. Several of my parents friends were married for 20 years or more when one day hubby came home and decided he was through (usually because of another woman). One man left his wife a bye bye note on the fridge on her birthday!

And for some of these men the kids are a reminder of the lifestyle they are trying to leave behind so they basically divorce the kids too.

And even if you don't divorce what if your man becomes unable to work? I have a SAH friend who's husband job is basically becoming obsolete nearly 20 years into the marriage. After several years out of the workforce she had to go back to work to keep the family afloat even though she has three children one of which is disabled.

Not to mention how prolonged SAH status changes the nature of the relationship between hubby and wife over time....

This is why for me, it would be a HUGE act of faith to stop working entirely to raise a family.

Anyway, I'm gonna stop because I feel like the thread is being hijacked

Still don't like this article though

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

SPEAK!

I know so many women who have gotten screwed by their so called "good" husbands it's ridiculous. Several of my parents friends were married for 20 years or more when one day hubby came home and decided he was through (usually because of another woman). One man left his wife a bye bye note on the fridge on her birthday!

And for some of these men the kids are a reminder of the lifestyle they are trying to leave behind so they basically divorce the kids too.

And even if you don't divorce what if your man becomes unable to work? I have a SAH friend who's husband job is basically becoming obsolete nearly 20 years into the marriage. After several years out of the workforce she had to go back to work to keep the family afloat even though she has three children one of which is disabled.

Not to mention how prolonged SAH status changes the nature of the relationship between hubby and wife over time....

This is why for me, it would be a HUGE act of faith to stop working entirely to raise a family.

Anyway, I'm gonna stop because I feel like the thread is being hijacked

Still don't like this article though

I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on how SAH status changes the nature of the relationship between hubby and wife over time?

I've been a SAHM for almost 20 years and it's been nothing but healthy for my marriage and my children. I enjoy taking care of my home and family, and DH enjoys providing for us (I mean he REALLY enjoys it!!) It's never been a burden on him--and I figure I know my DH pretty well, we've know each other for over 20 years so if I felt he had any problems with this arrangement, I would have know it.

I'm not speaking for every SAHM, just myself.

 

[diadall]

I agree with the list, however I think some men will read it and take it to the extreme.

Case and point: I emailed it to some guys I went to college with and one of them called me last night. I told him that he should treat the woman in his life like a queen but she is not entitled to be a queen just because she is a woman. He feels now that this list gives him legitimate cause not to treat his girlfriend like a queen--even though he loves her and wants to marry her.

Men should treat their wives like queens and shower them with love, affection, support and security.

Men should not do that for every woman but the ONE.

I do think we have gone too far in telling young girls they are princesses. It is a pass for bratty behavior. What we should tell them is that they are worthy of respect and the love of honest and good people in their lives because they are honestly good people.

I have seen too many grown women literally wearing tiaras on their birthdays and ordering people around and I just shake my head.

Again, I agree with the list but you have to understand it beyond the words and apply it where appropriate.

 

[ladysaraii]

I agree with the list, however I think some men will read it and take it to the extreme.

Case and point: I emailed it to some guys I went to college with and one of them called me last night. I told him that he should treat the woman in his life like a queen but she is not entitled to be a queen just because she is a woman. He feels now that this list gives him legitimate cause not to treat his girlfriend like a queen--even though he loves her and wants to marry her.

Men should treat their wives like queens and shower them with love, affection, support and security.

Men should not do that for every woman but the ONE.

I do think we have gone too far in telling young girls they are princesses. It is a pass for bratty behavior. What we should tell them is that they are worthy of respect and the love of honest and good people in their lives because they are honestly good people.

I have seen too many grown women literally wearing tiaras on their birthdays and ordering people around and I just shake my head.

Again, I agree with the list but you have to understand it beyond the words and apply it where appropriate.

I agree with everything, especially the bolded

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

This is interesting because, honestly, I feel the same but feel like women are not "supposed" to feel that way and have never given myself permission to think that way. I don't think it's necessarily laziness or a "princess" mentality, though. Not necessarily at least. There are tons of ways every day that I could see myself productively using my time that do not equal "job." Many of them could potentially make money, but that would be secondary.

I know young men who are perfectly fine with their wives not working--children or no children. I guess it's just about finding someone who views things the same as you.

The bolded is it Discuss this before marriage and there should be little problems with the arrangement.

speak for the women you know.

if a woman knows how to invest and maintain her own assets while she is married she will be perfectly fine.

Beyond that when my parents divorced, my daddy still wrote checks and sent us to private schools. People should be selective in their quality of men.

Married couples should also prepare for disaster regardless of who works or how much money is coming in. IME, women with 2-incomes that lived on both those incomes to survive tend to make out the worst when suddenly they found themselves without a spouse or their DH became unemployed. If you dont prepare you will find yourself a**-out in the end.

I agree with the bolded--I have always been an advocate of women having their own bank account whether you are a SAHM/SAHW or a working woman We never can tell what the future hold in even the most stable relationships.

 

[ambergirl]

I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on how SAH status changes the nature of the relationship between hubby and wife over time?

I've been a SAHM for almost 20 years and it's been nothing but healthy for my marriage and my children. I enjoy taking care of my home and family, and DH enjoys providing for us (I mean he REALLY enjoys it!!) It's never been a burden on him--and I figure I know my DH pretty well, we've know each other for over 20 years so if I felt he had any problems with this arrangement, I would have know it.

I'm not speaking for every SAHM, just myself.

Of course I'm not speaking about everybody. If things are going well for you, bravo! But I've seen some interesting shifts in the dynamics of a relationship for some of my friends who have chosen to be permanet SAHM.

First, the man's life tends to be more linear and progressive (e.g. he's out in the world, meeting new people, growing in his job perhaps) while the woman's life is more cyclical and circular (get up, make breakfast, feed and dress the kids, clean the house, do the laundrey, make meals, go to bed, etc...repeat...every day...for years). Sometimes folks can grow apart because the pattern of their lives are so different.

If you're not careful, you can get "stuck" or "stunted". Work isn't just about making money, volunteers work after all as well. Work can also be about growth, giving back, sharing your gifts, accomplishments, learning new skills, interacting with new people, exposure to new ideas, etc.

Also, in some instances when the man is the sole breadwinner it sets up a dynamic where his voice, his concerns, his issues are dominant because he's the breadwinner. I've seen many instances where the man bascially makes all the household decisions without consulting their wife and many wives give in because you know, he's the breadwinner after all. That's just not a postion I care to be in although I understand some women want that kind of relationship.

That said, nothing's set in stone, I'm sure there are traditional relationships that don't fall into that pattern.

 

[kcolbert]

Are you an officer or enlisted? Hubby and I are also former military. You two have been seriously blessed to be in family friendly units because some of them are We were stationed at Fort Drum and it was a hawt mess They really hated mothers up there it was really sad. Me being in a male dominated field did not help either.

I got out when I became pregnant with Kayla look: yeah we did thing a lil bit backwards) and DH ETSed shortly after that. I was a 63B (mechanic) like my hubby when I was in and went to school to get my ACE Certification only to learn that I had wasted my money because although there is definitely racism and sexism in the military, it's nowhere near what it's like in the Civilian world I applied for jobs and even with my military experience was turned down, even for an apprenticeship.

On one interview when I arrived the guy asked if I was applying for the receptionist position. When I told him I was here for the mechanic position he laughed in my face. He gave me a short tour of the shop and said I wouldn't be right for the job. I was too "pretty" and would distract the other mechanics A little while after that hubby suggested that I stay home. We did the math and it worked for us

We are enlisted. My husband is infantry, so you can imagine how crazy some of the people are that he works with and for. I am a 92Y, Supply Sergeant, I am now a SFC, so I have a lot more pull then I did when I was a SPC when my first was born. I have worked for people who where dual military like me, men who were single parents, and some butt heads who were still living the college life. I made sure everyone knew I wasn't playing around when it came to my baby, or my two girls now. I will get ghost in a heartbeat and not think twice about it. I have never faced anyone who had issues with me being a mom or sexism. There are alot of women in the Quartermaster field. My friends and I uphold each other, as we are all carving out a military career and raising a family. I would be lying if I said it hasn't been hard and I haven't cried, but God knows. I believe he put me here for a reason, and has been faithful and just in our situation.

 

[~~HoneyComb~~]

Of course I'm not speaking about everybody. If things are going well for you, bravo! But I've seen some interesting shifts in the dynamics of a relationship for some of my friends who have chosen to be permanet SAHM.

First, the man's life tends to be more linear and progressive (e.g. he's out in the world, meeting new people, growing in his job perhaps) while the woman's life is more cyclical and circular (get up, make breakfast, feed and dress the kids, clean the house, do the laundrey, make meals, go to bed, etc...repeat...every day...for years). Sometimes folks can grow apart because the pattern of their lives are so different.

I agree and this is quite sad--this can also happen if both couples are in the work force too--drifting apart

If you're not careful, you can get "stuck" or "stunted". Work isn't just about making money, volunteers work after all as well. Work can also be about growth, giving back, sharing your gifts, accomplishments, learning new skills, interacting with new people, exposure to new ideas, etc.

A woman definitely has to find a way not to "lose herself" when becoming a SAHM, this too can cause strain in the marriage.

Also, in some instances when the man is the sole breadwinner it sets up a dynamic where his voice, his concerns, his issues are dominant because he's the breadwinner. I've seen many instances where the man bascially makes all the household decisions without consulting their wife and many wives give in because you know, he's the breadwinner after all. That's just not a postion I care to be in although I understand some women want that kind of relationship.

One thing I appreciate about my DH is that he's never thrown in my face that he's a breadwinner. We've always handled our finances and bills together, and he asks and respects my opinion in everything when it comes to that. We are a team and we work together well. He is the man of the household, and his word is final--but it's never dominating.

That said, nothing's set in stone, I'm sure there are traditional relationships that don't fall into that pattern.

...........

 

[MoniintheMiddle]

That said, just because a woman chooses not to be someone's workhorse or superwoman does not mean she will always end up destitute, poor and alone. I'm simply tired of people scapegoating the SAHW/M as some selfish, fiscally irresponsible woman that never has her DH's and family's best interest at heart.

Barbiesocialite, why do you feel that women who choose not to be SAHW/M are workhorses? Some women actually enjoy their jobs...just curious as to your thoughts.

 

[ladysaraii]

Yes and there's a lot of vomit and poo involved And forget about carpets and furniture staying their original color Oh and you will have to get Tetanus shots on a regular because of stepping on strategically placed matchbox cars and them little stankin toy dinosaurs And you WILL find food in diverse places as well (found a banana peel in the toy box) It is a blessing to be a SAHM don't get me wrong, but FAR from being a "kept woman."

I'm not gonna lie, that right there is part of what makes me not want to ever have kids and definetlely not stay home with them

 

[kcolbert]

For the life of me, I cannot understand why we as women try to one-up each other when it comes to our personal choices. I honestly do not care how someone chooses to live their life, I am in no position to judge anyone. My concern is for my family and my family only. I don't care if someone thinks daycare is raising my girls, or I work because I want to keep up with the Joneses. That is their opinion and it means nothing to me. If a women chooses to work or stay at home and care for her family, that is her decision, and no one has the right to make her feel like its anything other than a blessing for her family and situation. What works for my family may not work for yours, and its perfectly fine. At the end of the day, we have to be happy with who we are and how we choose to live and not worry about someone's unjust expectations. IMO.

 

[LunadeMiel]

Now I'm gonna ask us to keep it real. How many times, purely on this forum, have seen women say, and I quote "I'm gonna have kids immediately so I don't have to work", "once I get married I'm gonna quit my job", "I aint marrying him if I cant stay home". These quotes usually dont strike me as, I am going to make the supreme sacrifice to my family, and take care of the home and this is gonna be extra hard for me.

It just usually sounds to me like the woman does not wanna work If he is ok with it cool, but the bolded is not what the reality of a lot of situations are.

Lol mwedi, thanks for mentioning that sticky



Exactly! it's like people forget there are some whose prime reason for wanting to get married is so as NOT to work

I'm one of these women I can't wait to get married, pop out some babies so that I can STOP working for others. I haven't been umemployed since I was 13 years old so I'm definietly over it. I won't work for someone else unless I have to. I'm not against running my own business though (it will have to be something that I do for fun). Because I know what I want, I'm going to marry accordingly.

 

[Bachelorette]

speak for the women you know.

i.

I cant. They all work,

 

[Bachelorette]

Most women refuse to believe that they will get railroaded til it happens. Women 9/10 come up the loser in the divorce. Not gonna be me under any circumstances

People think everyone is from America where women are usually taken care of by the justice system even when they DONT deserve it.

Dvaid Goldman anyone?

 

[Bachelorette]

I agree with the list, however I think some men will read it and take it to the extreme.

Case and point: I emailed it to some guys I went to college with and one of them called me last night. I told him that he should treat the woman in his life like a queen but she is not entitled to be a queen just because she is a woman. He feels now that this list gives him legitimate cause not to treat his girlfriend like a queen--even though he loves her and wants to marry her.

Men should treat their wives like queens and shower them with love, affection, support and security.

Men should not do that for every woman but the ONE.

I do think we have gone too far in telling young girls they are princesses. It is a pass for bratty behavior. What we should tell them is that they are worthy of respect and the love of honest and good people in their lives because they are honestly good people.

contradiction? How are you telling women to go around claiming "Queen" status, then saying raising girls as princesses promotes bratty behavior?

LoL doesnt the "princess" eventually become queen?

 

[Amcd]

Case and point: I emailed it to some guys I went to college with and one of them called me last night. I told him that he should treat the woman in his life like a queen but she is not entitled to be a queen just because she is a woman. He feels now that this list gives him legitimate cause not to treat his girlfriend like a queen--even though he loves her and wants to marry her.

I feel sorry for that woman who has a man that is so easily influenced by a list that was emailed to him that he changes in an instant the way he treats his girlfriend.

 

[Bachelorette]

I feel sorry for that woman who has a man that is so easily influenced by a list that was emailed to him that he changes in an instant the way he treats his girlfriend.

sounds like a nitwit to me. Hopefully he was being sarcastic

 

[lux10023]

author of this sounds delusional and bitter...chile please..homegirl sound like she need a hug

i am entitled to a certain kind of treatment--point blank...no im not a princess ima queen...she got that part right---lolol

 

[anon123]

I do think we have gone too far in telling young girls they are princesses. It is a pass for bratty behavior. What we should tell them is that they are worthy of respect and the love of honest and good people in their lives because they are honestly good people.

I have seen too many grown women literally wearing tiaras on their birthdays and ordering people around and I just shake my head.

Again, I agree with the list but you have to understand it beyond the words and apply it where appropriate.

And bringing it back to the OP, this is the part I really agree with. I'm tired of the narcissism and self-aggrandizing being an excuse for self-righteous, entitled behavior and masking as "self-esteem". Why has so many people's new understanding of self-esteem got them thinking it means you are better than everyone else around you? And unless we have changed the fundamental elitist definition of "princess" and "king", that is in essence what people are saying.

No, you're not a princess, you are Sarah who lives down the block in apt. 4a. You aren't a king, you're Sam who works in the office downtown. Does that mean you aren't a wonderful person to be valued, assuming you actually are a wonderful person? Since when do you have to be a princess to be worthy of respect, fair treatment, and to be treasured by someone else?